{"id":302005,"date":"2010-04-02T11:00:00","date_gmt":"2010-04-02T15:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/the-loss-of-a-beloved-son\/"},"modified":"2010-04-02T11:00:00","modified_gmt":"2010-04-02T15:00:00","slug":"the-loss-of-a-beloved-son","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/the-loss-of-a-beloved-son\/","title":{"rendered":"The Loss of a Beloved Son"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Gary Oliver and his wife, Carrie, were praying their way through a diagnosis of cancer when their 23-year-old son, Matt, took his own life.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2010-04-02.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:","filesize":"23.55M","filesize_raw":"24690072","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2860],"tags":[4820,4562,4123],"podcast_series":[7717],"cwp_profile":[9195],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-302005","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-hardship-and-suffering","tag-cancer","tag-suicide","tag-trials","podcast_series-the-refuge-of-faith","cwp_profile-gary-oliver","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/302005\/the-loss-of-a-beloved-son","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/302005\/the-loss-of-a-beloved-son","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"VSxGUOr6CA\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/the-loss-of-a-beloved-son\/\">The Loss of a Beloved Son<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/the-loss-of-a-beloved-son\/embed\/#?secret=VSxGUOr6CA\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;The Loss of a Beloved Son&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"VSxGUOr6CA\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":["https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg",508,508,false]},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"kfairris@familylife.com","author_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/author\/kfairrisfamilylife-com\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"Gary Oliver and his wife, Carrie, were praying their way through a diagnosis of cancer when their 23-year-old son, Matt, took his own life.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2010-04-02.pdf","transcript_content":"<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, what I told the evil one was that every time you try to condemn me for what I could have done differently and boy no one beat me up more than I did \u2013 but I say every time that you try to get me to doubt God and who He is I\u2019m going to give God thanks.\u00a0 So, the more Satan tried to accuse me the more I find myself going to the throne and saying God thank you \u2013 thank you for your goodness, thank you for your grace, and thank you God for memories.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Friday, April 2.\u00a0 Our host is the President of FamilyLife Dennis Rainey and I\u2019m Bob Lepine.\u00a0 Gary Oliver shares with us today how he experienced the reality of Psalm 30 verse 5\u2014weeping may tarry for the night but joy comes with the morning.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWelcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> thanks for joining us.\u00a0 You know for years I\u2019ve heard people talk, and I don\u2019t want to trivialize this in any way or make it lighter than it ought to be but you hear people talk about the one-two punch.\u00a0 The thought is in a boxing match if you get hit once you can recover, but when somebody gives you the one-two when you get that second punch it\u2019s pretty tough to recover from.\u00a0 This week we\u2019ve been hearing from our friend Gary Oliver about a pretty significant punch that he took in his relationship.\u00a0 Let me just say Gary, \u201cWelcome back to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> \u2013 nice to have you here!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gary:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Thank you Bob \u2013 thank you!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>You and your wife Carrie received a diagnosis two years before she passed that she had metastatic pancreatic cancer right, and you had two years to live with her.\u00a0 That\u2019s a pretty hard punch to take as a husband but there was another punch Dennis that Gary and Carrie had no idea was coming.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, and let me just take a moment and introduce Dr. Gary Oliver to our audience.\u00a0 Gary is an author.\u00a0 He is a counselor and a university and seminary professor.\u00a0 He is the Executive Director of the Center for Relationship Enrichment at John Brown University in Siloam Springs.\u00a0 Gary\u2019s also a good friend \u2013 goes back to The Promise Keeper Days where we\u2019ve shared in some great moments there.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to read something to you Gary that I think you\u2019ll identify with as Bob was talking about the one-two punch here because as many of our listeners know I had a granddaughter whose name was Molly\u2014the daughter of our son-in-law Jake, and daughter Rebecca who lived only seven days.\u00a0 Rebecca made this statement in her book that she wrote with Barbara: <em>A Symphony in the Dark.<\/em><em>\u00a0 <\/em>She said, \u201cGod was sufficient for us in Molly\u2019s life and continues to be in the ongoing pain of her death, and God will be enough for us and whatever the future brings.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, when she made that statement she was pregnant with a second baby.\u00a0 What she didn\u2019t know at the time she wrote this was that little baby would die in the womb.\u00a0 His name was Micah.\u00a0 He lived 14 weeks in the womb and then she gave birth to him, and he\u2019s buried in the same grave as his sister Molly.\u00a0 For you it wasn\u2019t the loss of a baby, as tragic as that can be, you had a tragedy in the midst of saying goodbye to your wife that as I heard about this Gary it just felt unspeakable to me \u2013 the grief that you must have experienced as a father.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gary:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>I have three boys \u2013 two of them are here, and one of them is with the Lord in Heaven \u2013 my middle son Matt.\u00a0 Matt was 23 years old, very bright, very creative, very funny.\u00a0 He was six foot three, weighed about 225 pounds.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Now wait; he\u2019s your son?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gary:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>I was going to say, \u201cYes, I was his biological father.\u201d\u00a0 Many wondered about that Bob but I didn\u2019t get those genes obviously.\u00a0 But, Matt struggled with prescription drugs, with alcohol; he got in with a rough group, made some unhealthy choices.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Was he what you\u2019d call a prodigal?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gary:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>He was clearly a prodigal Dennis.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Going back to when junior high years?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gary:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Probably junior high and then it got worse in high school.\u00a0 He went to a Christian school up in Indiana but he was involved there.\u00a0 No matter where you go you can find a certain element.\u00a0 But, the funny thing was that parallel with the darkness in Matt\u2019s life I took Matt to Promise Keepers events with me and we would weep together when we\u2019d stand behind the stage and see thousands of guys coming down.\u00a0 Matt loved to study the word and discuss and debate theology with me.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 So, he had a relationship with Christ?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gary:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Oh clearly \u2013 oh no doubt about it and there were times Dennis when we thought we might get a phone call that Matt had been crashed on the road or something or that Matt had taken his life.\u00a0 There were times when he talked about suicide.\u00a0 We had hour-long talks together.\u00a0 But, Matt had started to turn a corner in his life.\u00a0 He was about six months away \u2013 one semester from graduating from college, he was planning on going into ministry, we would spend hours discussing books like by John Piper: <em>Don\u2019t Waste Your Life.<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>\u00a0<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>You know to that point I just have to say this because there are some who are listening to this broadcast who are experiencing the grief of living with a child because that child is denying the faith that was passed onto him.\u00a0 That\u2019s a unique grief in and of itself that you and Carrie had shouldered the burden of for almost a decade?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gary:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>That\u2019s right!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 I have to ask you about it.\u00a0 Here it seems like a contradiction to have a son who you\u2019re saying is debating theology, and weeping at Promise Keepers, and then going out and having too much to drink and taking prescription pain meds?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gary:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Absolutely.\u00a0 It didn\u2019t make sense apart from darkness, which by God\u2019s grace I did understand, darkness.\u00a0 Long term planning for my son was maybe a minute in advance, and he didn\u2019t do well learning the consequences of his choices but he\u2019d started to.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Let me ask you a question about that.\u00a0 Could it have been that his Mom\u2019s diagnosis with pancreatic cancer contributed to him taking an evaluation of his life and helping him turn that corner?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gary:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Well, we think so Dennis.\u00a0 I mean Carrie and I talked.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>I mean she was given a diagnosis of only three months to live \u2013 survived that by virtually two years.\u00a0 He had to be watching this happen \u2013 had to be watching you all live your lives in light of eternity.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gary:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>What was amazing throughout this time he loved his Mom, and he loved his Dad.\u00a0 Sometimes he\u2019d come home and I could see his pupils were dilated, and he would say, \u201cDad \u2013 the stupid choices I make aren\u2019t about you, and are not about Mom.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Did she ever make a statement to him as she knew she was dying \u2013 did she ever turn to him and say, \u201cMatt, I\u2019m heading onto heaven.\u00a0 I not only want to see you there but I want you to live your life in light of eternity for the glory of God.\u201d\u00a0 Did she ever have that?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gary:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Absolutely \u2013 with tears in her eyes and with tears in his eyes.\u00a0 That was the astonishing thing and he would say to her \u2013 he\u2019d say, \u201cMom I don\u2019t want to do anything to bring grief to you.\u201d\u00a0 I know that was his heart, and he\u2019d made some tremendous strides \u2013 he had stopped drinking as far as we knew.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe week before he died on a Tuesday I\u2019d taken Carrie to get some ice cream at Braums\u2019, and Matt worked across the street at Walgreen\u2019s.\u00a0 So, I said hey let\u2019s call over and see if Matty you know wants some ice cream.\u00a0 So, I called over and he said, \u201cYes I can take a break.\u201d\u00a0 We got some ice cream, we took it over, and I walked into Walgreen\u2019s \u2013 my 6\u20193 son comes up to his 5\u20198 Dad and gives me this big hug, and smiled.\u00a0 We chatted, I give him the ice cream, had about ten minutes together and then he said, Well, Dad I have to go back to work,\u201d and I said, \u201cOkay honey\u201d \u2013 I call my boys honey and sweetie \u2013 they\u2019ve asked me to stop it in public!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, I said okay honey, and I went to give him a hug.\u00a0 Probably for the last year whenever we would part he\u2019d give me a hug, and also give me a kiss.\u00a0 So, he gave me a hug and a kiss, said I love you Dad.\u00a0 I said I love you too.\u00a0 Friday night that Friday, I called him \u2013 we talked on the phone about oh 35 minutes and had a great conversation and at the end I said, \u201cI love you son,\u201d and he said, \u201cDad, I love you too.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTwo o\u2019clock that morning I got a knock on my door and Matt had taken his own life.\u00a0 Gone out hunting with a friend and have no idea why.\u00a0 There was no note.\u00a0 I\u2019ve written on suicide, I\u2019ve spoken on it, I\u2019ve taught, I walked with tons of families who\u2019ve had a child or a loved one take their own life.\u00a0 I thank God you guys that the last time I saw my son the last words he heard from me face to face were I love you son, and the last words I heard was I love you Dad, and the last words on the phone were I love you son, and I love you Dad.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCarrie got up and Andrew our youngest son it was unbelievable.\u00a0 I just said, \u201cGod I don\u2019t know how I\u2019m going to do this.\u201d\u00a0 I was already on the ropes.\u00a0 I was already drained.\u00a0 I had no energy.\u00a0 I had no answers.\u00a0 Financially with all the stuff going on and Carrie was deteriorating and we had another visit down to Houston to M. D. Anderson and I said, \u201cGod I can\u2019t do this \u2013 I just can\u2019t do this \u2013 I just can\u2019t do this.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou said that you\u2019ll never give us more than we can handle \u2013 well, you\u2019re really pushing your luck right now because you never experienced what I\u2019ve experienced.\u00a0 You never had a wife who had cancer for two years.\u00a0 You never had to see your wife be eaten away by cancer.\u00a0 Course He saw His bride the church\u2014a lot of things happened there, but that\u2019s different.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYet, we made it through, and that next morning I had two friends show up:\u00a0 Dale Schlafer and Rick came to the front door, couple of my pastors from church came over \u2013 that week is a blur.\u00a0 My kids flew in, friends flew in.\u00a0 We had an amazing service at Fellowship Bible Church.\u00a0 The church staff was astonishing and we had a praise service that went on and on.\u00a0 Matt had touched a lot of lives.\u00a0 I got e-mails from friends in college who said they started Bible memory because of Matt.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI had some guys who said to me you know this may sound funny but I stopped drinking.\u00a0 I stopped taking drugs because of your son.\u00a0 One guy decided to go into the ministry after a conversation with Matt.\u00a0 So, here my son who ends up taking his own life was still used of God in mighty, mighty ways. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut, when Matt died something left Carrie:\u00a0 A will to live, a fight, which I don\u2019t know how, it lasted as long as it did.\u00a0 But, something happened, and it was like she was just on cruise control.\u00a0 I just saw a rapid deterioration after that, and I was not able to grieve Matt really because I was still trying to keep Carrie alive.\u00a0 I had my youngest son Andrew there, and you have all kinds of details whenever there\u2019s a funeral, tons of thousands of e-mails, and notes \u2013 Dennis you can relate to this.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tPraise the Lord \u2013 Praise the Lord for good friends.\u00a0 Yet, you want to answer each one.\u00a0 You want to talk to each person.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>And you\u2019re grateful for the prayers that are being offered for you and your family in those moments.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gary:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>In fact it\u2019s impossible to communicate how grateful right?\u00a0 It\u2019s just overwhelmingly supportive.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>It is the most important thing a person can do for another human being in that moment!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gary:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>I had many people who said, \u201cI don\u2019t know what to say, but I love you and I\u2019m praying for you.\u201d\u00a0 I just want to say to our listeners you know if you know someone where there\u2019s a loss and you don\u2019t know what to say \u2013 many folks don\u2019t say anything \u2013 if you don\u2019t know what to say \u2013 say to them you know what I don\u2019t know what to say right now, but I love you or I care for you and I\u2019m praying for you.\u00a0 Those words are priceless!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>The interesting thing is in these moments and Gary you know this better than I do \u2013 parents can condemn themselves, and think about what they should of, ought to, could have done.\u00a0 Yet there really is not much purpose served by wasting a lot of emotional energy introspecting around these matters.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gary:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Satan was very faithful more so with me than for Carrie.\u00a0 Because when again our job as Dad\u2019s guys is to take care of our kids isn\u2019t it?\u00a0 It\u2019s to keep them alive, it\u2019s to help them, it\u2019s to keep them safe, and it\u2019s to protect them.\u00a0 Well I had failed with my wife \u2013 my wife was dying of cancer.\u00a0 I had failed with my middle son Matt who I loved dearly so I was not very much of a Dad and not very much of a husband.\u00a0 I was kind of a loser in the two most important areas of my life, and the evil one made that very clear to me.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>How did you get from that pit back to a sense of equilibrium?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gary:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>The habits of prayer!\u00a0 I know this sounds like I\u2019m spiritualizing and being clich\u00e9 but the habits of prayer that Carrie and I had developed for years before hand is all I knew is to cry out. I just told God how bankrupt I was.\u00a0 How empty I was, how inadequate I was.\u00a0 I knew that I had nothing in my self whereby I could make the arrangements for the funeral, deal with family members, and every day at the mortuary I went and viewed Matt\u2019s body \u2013 everyday.\u00a0 I sat there and I wept, and I prayed, and I laughed.\u00a0 Nathan went with me every day also.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Why did you do that?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gary:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>I think it was therapeutic, Dennis!\u00a0 I went there because I knew he was dead.\u00a0 I knew he was gone, but I needed to be present with what I knew was just a shell, and let God talk to me.\u00a0 Something happened during those times, and again this may sound bizarre to some listeners. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut as I sat there not even standing over the casket, but just sat there on the first pew of the little chapel there I found myself thanking God for all the things in Matt\u2019s life \u2013 for his sense of humor, for his joy, for how he made people laugh, for the lives he touched, for the kids he impacted, for the cartoons that he used to draw, for the jokes he used to play on me, for his equally warped sense of humor.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSomehow God helped me to see that a big part of grief is what you\u2019ve lost, but a part of healthy grieving is also celebrating what was.\u00a0 Most people that I\u2019ve worked with have spent their whole time mourning what will never be again, and that\u2019s legitimate and spend so little time celebrating the reason why we\u2019re mourning.\u00a0 The reason why I still ache when I talk about Matt, or about Carrie is that there was so much to be thankful for.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, what I told the evil one was that I said, \u201cYou know every time you try to condemn me for what I could have done differently\u201d, and boy no one beat me up Dennis more than I did \u2013 but Carrie said honey it\u2019s not about you \u2013 these are some choices that Matt made, and a lot of my friends said the same thing, and those who knew Matt.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut, I said,\u201d Every time that you try to get me to doubt God, and who He is I\u2019m going to give God thanks.\u201d\u00a0 So, the more Satan tried to accuse me the more I\u2019d find myself going to the throne and saying God \u2013 thank you.\u00a0 Thank you for your goodness, thank you for your grace, and thanking God for memories.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>You know I\u2019ve heard you say you only had 23 years with Matt but God used Matt in your life to point out your own rigidity, impatience, lack of grace.\u00a0 God used your son in your life in a powerful way, and that was a part of what you were giving thanks for.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gary:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Absolutely!\u00a0 Dennis whatever I do today that\u2019s of any value to others or the kingdom a big part of that has come from my time with Matt.\u00a0 The hours I spent at two, three o\u2019clock in the morning waiting up for him, shedding tears over him, pacing the floor, searching God.\u00a0 What can I do more of, what can I do differently, what should I do less of.\u00a0 God taught me a lot through my son, and I\u2019m a better man \u2013 I was a better husband at least for two more months, and a better leader because of Matt\u2019s life.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Let me ask you about that two-month period from Matt\u2019s death to your wife\u2019s death.\u00a0 You talked about really not having the capacity to grieve Matt\u2019s death.\u00a0 Here you have to continue to be caretaker to a wife whose health is failing, who is weak, and who needs physical support from you.\u00a0 When and how were you able to grieve Matt\u2019s death \u2013 how did that happen?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gary:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Probably about a year after Matt\u2019s death I became much more aware of a pain of missing him.\u00a0 It takes a long time to grieve.\u00a0 It doesn\u2019t just happen overnight.\u00a0 I still have times when I have a song come on the radio or I see some birds that Carrie loved where I\u2019ll be driving and I\u2019ll just find myself tearing up or with Matty.\u00a0 But, that\u2019s a good thing \u2013 that\u2019s not a bad thing!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Carrie was in the process of dying herself \u2013 how did she process this?\u00a0 I mean you mentioned earlier that the decline steepened in terms of her moving quicker towards death but in the midst of that did she question God \u2013 did she doubt God?\u00a0 I mean suicide is a really hard thing for someone to absorb.\u00a0 It\u2019s a rejection of sorts!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gary:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>It\u2019s still hard Dennis \u2013 it\u2019s still hard - two, two and a half years later \u2013 absolutely.\u00a0 Carrie never doubted God but I remember a verse that became one of the last verses she asked me to read to her.\u00a0 We were at a point in both of our lives where we were just on life support.\u00a0 Now, all we knew how to do was to reach out and touch each other, and have friends who would pray for us on the phone.\u00a0 But, there\u2019s a verse in Habakkuk, which if you\u2019ve had your quiet time in Habakkuk today get a life okay. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t(laughter)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Yes \u2013 really!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gary:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Because you have too much free time.\u00a0 But, listen to this verse in Habakkuk \u2013 Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crops fail and the fields produce no food, and there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls yet I will rejoice in the Lord.\u00a0 I will be joyful in God my Savior.\u00a0 The sovereign Lord is my strength; He makes my feet like the feet of a deer, and enables me to go onto the heights.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe just said, God you\u2019ve been faithful for us for 27 years of marriage, and we have nowhere else to go \u2013 we have nowhere else to go.\u00a0 For those two months success was clearly getting out of bed, helping Carrie stay alive and for me putting one foot in front of the next, and not letting her see how afraid I was.\u00a0 I mean she knew that I was afraid and trying to be strong, not fault strong but strong for my son, and just saying God, somehow, somewhere I know you\u2019re going to show up course what I didn\u2019t realize then that He had showed up.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe strength that I had to even cry out, to get up was Him, was His energy, His strength, His presence.\u00a0 I learned a big lesson is that oftentimes when God\u2019s doing the greatest work in our life we are not consciously aware of it but He\u2019s faithful.\u00a0 He promised \u2013 God has no choice but to keep His word.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>You know Gary as I\u2019ve listened to you share your story Ecclesiastes 7 has just been pinging around in my brain because it says, \u201cIt\u2019s good to go to the house of mourning\u201d because in the end that\u2019s really the end of every living thing.\u00a0 Everybody\u2019s going to die and it says in that same passage the living takes it to heart.\u00a0 Your message that you\u2019ve shared here on <em>FamilyLife Today <\/em>this week is a message for the living.\u00a0 Who\u2019s your master, who are you serving, who\u2019s building your home and how will you face the future?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>You know I think it\u2019s significant for us to think about these things on this day when we turn our attention and focus our hearts on the reality of the sufferings of Christ on our behalf. The sin bearing that took place at Calvary, and yet we call this Good Friday because of that, and we look forward to the celebration on Sunday of His resurrection.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGary, as you talked about the strength that comes from Him \u2013 it is that power of the resurrected Christ in you that gives you the hope that this life is not all there is, that you\u2019ll see your wife and your son again, and you\u2019ll be together in the presence of the one who brought you through the valley together.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI would just encourage our listeners to first of all to take some time today to reflect on what it is that we\u2019re focused on at this time of year \u2013 the death, and the burial of the resurrection of Christ \u2013 the essence of the Gospel.\u00a0 What sets Christianity apart from every other major religion or truth claim in the world that we serve a risen Savior who is in the world today.\u00a0 Because He lives we can face tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen for those listeners who do find themselves in the midst of despair and a sense of hopelessness and grief that is oppressive I would point them to resources like the book that your daughter Rebecca wrote with your wife Barbara called:\u00a0 <em>A Symphony in the Dark<\/em> that talks about how your family walked through the valley of the shadow of death when your granddaughter Molly was born almost two years ago now.\u00a0 Or, Jerry Sittser\u2019s book:\u00a0 <em>A Grace Disguised<\/em> which is a book that I know you\u2019ve recommended to thousands of folks who find themselves in the midst of grief.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThere\u2019s information about both of those resources on our website FamilyLifeToday.com or you can call 1-800-FLTODAY to find out how to order those books.\u00a0 Again the website is FamilyLifeToday.com.\u00a0 The phone number is 1-800 F as in \u201cfamily\u201d L as in \u201clife\u201d and then the word TODAY.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWith that we have to wrap things up for today, hope you have a great weekend, hope you and your family are able to worship together and celebrate the resurrection of Christ this Sunday. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI hope you can be back with us on Monday.\u00a0 We\u2019re going to talk to a Dad who did a research project a while back\u00a0 - he wanted to find out what it is that causes kids to get along, and to keep getting along throughout their lives:\u00a0 What causes kids to be close to their siblings.\u00a0 We\u2019ll hear his findings coming up on Monday.\u00a0 Hope you can be with us for that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today Keith Lynch and our entire broadcast production team on behalf of our host Dennis Rainey I\u2019m Bob Lepine.\u00a0 We will see you back Monday for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHelp for today.\u00a0 Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts for you. However, there is a cost to transcribe, create, and produce them for our website. If you've benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright \u00a9 FamilyLife. 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