{"id":302001,"date":"2010-03-29T11:00:00","date_gmt":"2010-03-29T15:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/what-a-man-needs-from-his-wife\/"},"modified":"2010-03-29T11:00:00","modified_gmt":"2010-03-29T15:00:00","slug":"what-a-man-needs-from-his-wife","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/what-a-man-needs-from-his-wife\/","title":{"rendered":"What a Man Needs from His Wife"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Gary Thomas tells women what they must know to be their husband&#8217;s most powerful influencer.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2010-03-29.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:","filesize":"24.95M","filesize_raw":"26161665","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2831],"tags":[5139,4923],"podcast_series":[7561],"cwp_profile":[3158],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-302001","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-wives","tag-influence","tag-wife","podcast_series-sacred-influence","cwp_profile-gary-thomas","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/302001\/what-a-man-needs-from-his-wife","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/302001\/what-a-man-needs-from-his-wife","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"eLAXR4uaPW\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/what-a-man-needs-from-his-wife\/\">What a Man Needs from His Wife<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/what-a-man-needs-from-his-wife\/embed\/#?secret=eLAXR4uaPW\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;What a Man Needs from His Wife&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"eLAXR4uaPW\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":["https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg",508,508,false]},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"kfairris@familylife.com","author_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/author\/kfairrisfamilylife-com\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"Gary Thomas tells women what they must know to be their husband's most powerful influencer.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2010-03-29.pdf","transcript_content":"<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 As a wife, are there things you see your husband doing that you think, \"Boy, I wonder if I should say something to him about that?\u00a0 It just isn't right.\"\u00a0 Author and speaker Gary Thomas says if you're going to confront, and perhaps you should, you need to make sure you're ready; make sure you're strong.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gary:<\/strong>\u00a0 Spiritual strength leads to strength in other areas \u2013 the courage to speak up, for instance.\u00a0 If a woman isn't spiritually strong, she's going to be afraid to rock the boat in her marriage.\u00a0 And, look, most of us guys \u2013 it shouldn't be this way.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMost guys say, you know, \"If I can have my wife and this little hobby or this little addiction or this little sin on the side, we'll take both, and it takes a strong woman to say, \"You can't have both.\u00a0 It's me or that.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Monday, March 29<sup>th<\/sup>.\u00a0 Our host is the President of FamilyLife, Dennis Rainey, and I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 There is a right way and a wrong way for a woman to talk to her husband about sinful patterns she sees present in his life.\u00a0 We'll talk about that today.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, thanks for joining us on Monday edition.\u00a0 I'm going to ask you a hard question.\u00a0 I don't know if you can answer this right off the top \u2013 well, you can, because you're pretty good at answering things right off the top of your head.\u00a0 If you had not married Barbara \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I would have been in trouble \u2013 I can already answer the question.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Describe for me what you would be like today.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Oh, Bob, seriously.\u00a0 It would be ugly.\u00a0 It would be really ugly.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 What would be ugly?\u00a0 How would you be different today?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Barbara has had such a great influence in my life \u2013 my dress would be obnoxious, my behavior would be worse \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2026 I'm sure I wouldn't be leading a ministry or be the father of six.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 So you're saying that your spiritual life would be different?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Oh, absolutely.\u00a0 I mean, my wife has been used by God in my life so many times to point me back to him and to the truth just by who she is and how she lives her life.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 That's 1 Peter 3, isn't it?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 It is.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 \"She has won her husband without a word?\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yeah, and on more than one occasion, and over a lifetime of 35 years now, she has done that and, I'll tell you, she has had a \u2013 well, shall I say it, Bob?\u00a0 A sacred influence?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, I was hoping you'd get around to that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 We have the author of that book, Gary Thomas, with us on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 Gary, welcome back to our broadcast.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gary:<\/strong>\u00a0 It's always a joy to spend time with you guys.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 You've been on our broadcast now \u2013 I think this is the third or fourth time?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 The fourth time that Gary has been here, that's right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 And, of course, many of our listeners know of Gary from his bestselling book, <em>Sacred Marriage<\/em>.\u00a0 Well, he's written a follow-up to that called <em>Sacred Influence<\/em>\u2014<em>What a Man Needs From His Wife to be the Husband She Wants<\/em>.\u00a0 Now, that's a good subtitle.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 A wife will pick that up and buy that just on the subtitle right there.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Gary is an adjunct professor at Western Theological Seminary.\u00a0 He lives in Bellingham, Washington, and I'm just curious \u2013 when I saw this book, why did you write this, Gary?\u00a0 I mean, not that it isn't in the line with the other things you've written, but what prompted you?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gary:<\/strong>\u00a0 It was really e-mails and comments that I got after seminars.\u00a0 Women would come up after going through <em>Sacred Marriage<\/em> or listening to me talk about it, saying, \"Gary, I get that God is using my marriage to help me become a better person and to shape me, but do I really have to just sit back while my husband's anger destroys our children or where my husband's addictions make it so impossible to be intimate with him,\" or \"He's so involved with golf or work that he's never at home.\u00a0 How do I help him become the person that I think God wants him to be?\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI really began to get a feel for how women want to influence men in a godly way and so the book is really about how does a woman become a positive influence or a sacred influence in her husband's life.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, I want to give you an illustration of a wife who was not a positive, and I'm sure you're familiar with this \u2013 1 Kings, chapter 21, \"Surely there was no one like Ahab who sold himself to do evil in the sight of the Lord because Jezebel, his wife, incited him.\" \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI mean, she encouraged him to do evil, and he was the worst, it says.\u00a0 So a wife does have a sacred influence.\u00a0 She can influence her husband to do evil or, as you're promoting in your book, help him to do good.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gary:<\/strong>\u00a0 I don't think wives fully understand how much influence they can have in their husbands' lives.\u00a0 Part of this comes from a dirty little secret that men fall in love with being loved.\u00a0 We really do.\u00a0 We fall in love with being loved.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI know this because I live in a college town.\u00a0 So I'll go to the Starbuck's, it's right by the college campus, and you look at a young college couple that are on a date, and that young woman is looking in that boy's eyes like \u2013 a look of just adoration, just lost in him, just fully intensely focused on him.\u00a0 And, you know, I think he's falling in love with her, but part of it is he is intoxicated by feeling so important in her eyes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 There is something about the male ego \u2013 the desire that we have as men to be respected and affirmed that that is almost narcotic.\u00a0 A man will go to great lengths for that respect and that affirmation, won't he?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gary:<\/strong>\u00a0 That's exactly the point; that he wants to keep that happening, and so when a wife can learn to leverage that in a positive, God-honoring way, she can have a tremendous influence because ultimately her husband wants her to keep looking at him and respecting him that way.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 You know, I was talking to a friend just recently, and he was describing his college-age son in a very similar fashion.\u00a0 He said, \"This young lady absolutely adores him, I mean, absolutely looks up at him and admires him, and it's just like there is an energy flowing from her to him that what guy wouldn't absolutely beam as a result of that kind of adoration?\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, you know, the old joke was that a great marriage is when both the husband and wife are in love with the same person.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut there's a sense in which, you're absolutely right \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 We're not promoting that, though, by the way.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 But a guy does long to have that sense of worth and respect from a woman, from his wife.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Gary, what does a woman need to know?\u00a0 What's the essence of what she needs to know if she's going to be the most powerful influence in her husband's life?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gary:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, part of it comes from that \"men fall in love with being loved,\" because another thing about guys that sometimes women don't understand is that we don't play games we think we can't win.\u00a0 If a guy just stinks at golf or stinks at hunting or stinks at fishing, eventually he gives it up.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo if a guy dates a young woman, and she looks at him that way, then they get married, and she begins to see those spiritual failings.\u00a0 James 3:2 says, \"We all stumble in many ways,\" which would include every husband that every woman listening to us would be married to because the word \"all\" is pretty non-exclusive there.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo it's natural that every wife is going to have legitimate complaints against her husband and start to lose that look and that respect.\u00a0 And so what husbands often do is they see that change of light in their wife's eyes, and they say, \"Look, I'm sacrificing to support the family.\u00a0 I'm doing all of this for her, I'm doing all of that for her, and if that's not good enough, I'm checking out.\u00a0 I'm not playing this game anymore.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 And what happens, the wife looks at her husband and loses her respect for him, and, in a way, his life begins to define her life, and you say that shouldn't be the definition point of her life.\u00a0 It's God who needs to define her life.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gary:<\/strong>\u00a0 Absolutely.\u00a0 Really, the first step, I think, toward building an influence with your husband is to become a person of great spiritual strength and respect.\u00a0 Guys are only influenced by people we respect.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, now, wait \u2013 is it possible for a woman to be strong in the Lord and, by virtue of that, not be respected by her husband?\u00a0 You know what I'm saying?\u00a0 A woman who, her Christian life is not something her husband respects but something that annoys him.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gary:<\/strong>\u00a0 It might annoy him, but I still think there would be an element of respect there.\u00a0 You know, I just think of myself as a guy.\u00a0 I'm not particularly a fan of NASCAR, but I can respect a guy who has enormous success in NASCAR.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think we can appreciate people who are strong in an area even where we're weak or even where we're not particularly interesting in, but even more to the point is I think spiritual strength leads to strength in other areas \u2013 the courage to speak up, for instance.\u00a0 If a woman isn't spiritually strong, she's going to be afraid to rock the boat in her marriage because if her identify is wrapped up solely in her marriage, the one thing she can't afford to do emotionally or psychologically is create distance in her marriage, which means she's not going to have the strength to confront her husband. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd then when she doesn't confront her husband, her husband is thinking, \"Look, I can do all this, this, this and this,\" and she's not going to leave me, she's not even going to make an issue out of it and, look, most of us guys \u2013 it shouldn't be this way.\u00a0 We're not talking about guys as they should be.\u00a0 We're really talking about as they are.\u00a0 Most guys say, \"You know, if I can have my wife and this little hobby or this little addiction or this little sin on the side, we'll take both.\"\u00a0 It takes a strong woman to say, \"You can't have both.\u00a0 It's me or that.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 I think as you\u2019re talking about the influence of godly behavior and godly character and how powerful that is I'm thinking about a woman who would define her spiritual life around her activities rather than around her character.\u00a0 A woman who would say, \"Well, my husband is annoyed by my Christian life.\u00a0 He doesn't like it that I go to the Bible study, or he doesn't like it that I'm always talking about church, or he doesn't like this,\" but if you stop and think, \"What husband is not going to like it or be influenced by a wife who exhibits love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, faithfulness, goodness, self-control?\"\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn other words, if a wife's character, if a wife's behavior \u2013 this is what 1 Peter is talking about, isn't it?\u00a0 When it talks about your godly behavior?\u00a0 That's going to be winsome and attractive.\u00a0 Maybe if you're talking about the women's group and always talking about your Bible study, that annoys him, but he can't get annoyed at your love and your joy and your peace and your patience, can he?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gary:<\/strong>\u00a0 No, and I think that it's important not just to speak of love, joy, peace, patience, as abstract concepts but what they motivate a wife to do.\u00a0 I have a lot of stories in <em>Sacred Influence<\/em> of wives who have seen their marriages restored, and one of the key things in all of them is that they became their husbands' buddies.\u00a0 They really entered into their husbands' world.\u00a0 Instead of fighting their husbands' love for fishing or for biking or whatnot, they decided, \"How can I join it as much as possible?\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo they demonstrated their devotion saying, \"I don't feel like you've entered my world, and I'm going to take the first step and enter your world and become a friend in this area.\"\u00a0 It really began to open up their husbands' hearts and affections just because of their kindness of saying, \"I want to spend time with you in the way that you want to spend time.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Can you think of a particular example of a situation like that?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gary:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, well, there's a woman that I call \"Kathy\" in the book, who was married to a non-Christian for over 20 years.\u00a0 He eventually became a believer, and as part of that she felt like God challenged her to share her husband's love for riding a bike.\u00a0 <br><\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, her husband liked to do those 400-mile treks over several days, and she'd never ridden a bike before, and she said, \"I can't possibly do this.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Man, she's courageous.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gary:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, she started off small, and when she felt God telling her \u2013 I think this is very important, particularly for wives who are married to non-Christians.\u00a0 The tendency of a wife is, \"Look, if he's not going to share my faith, how do I share anything with him?\"\u00a0 And they want to just draw back.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tKathy felt God asking her to take the step forward saying, \"Appreciate what you can have.\"\u00a0 And so she said, \"You know what?\u00a0 He's not a Christian, he doesn't support me in my prayers, he breaks my heart because he's not there at church on Mother's Day when the mothers get their roses from their husbands, and she broke down crying one time over that.\u00a0 But she said, \"But, you know, we do have good times doing this or that,\" so they started biking together, and she actually enjoyed it, and it got her into great shape and eventually entering her husband's world, her husband was finally willing to come to church with her and enter her world and eventually became a believer.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 You know, we're using positive illustrations here of how a wife has entered her husband's world to ultimately win him and see him change.\u00a0 That's not the usual or the natural way that women usually go about this in their marriage.\u00a0 A lot of women try to change their husband's behavior with their words, with a critical spirit, thinking that that pain from their mouth is going to ultimately change his behavior.\u00a0 It doesn't work, does it?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gary:<\/strong>\u00a0 That is probably the most ineffective thing a woman can do, and it's the best way to reinforce the negative behavior. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf we go back to James 3:2, this is the real spiritual challenge for women in marriage \u2013 James, again, says \"We all stumble in many ways.\"\u00a0 So the Bible promises women your husband is going to mess up, not occasionally, but in a lot of ways.\u00a0 So you will have legitimate disagreements with your husband.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you expect perfection out of your husband, if you hold him to this standard, \"Why can you do this like this husband does?\"\u00a0 \"Why can't you do this like this husband?\"\u00a0 Which every woman is going to be tempted to do to focus on those negatives because every woman is going to have a husband with those negatives.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe're going back to what we said earlier, that guys won't play a game that they feel like they can't win.\u00a0 They will check out of that marriage.\u00a0 \"If I can't please you, I'm gone.\u00a0 I'm outta here.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, I\u2019m not saying they're necessarily going to seek a divorce, but they're not going to move forward toward their wives emotionally or spiritually.\u00a0 They're going to check out.\u00a0 Suddenly, golf is going to become their obsession, or work is going to become their obsession, or fishing, or hunting, anything they can do to escape what has become for them a very painful environment.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 And you say that men have what you call a \"functional fixedness,\" too, right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gary:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 What is that?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gary:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, that goes back to \u2013 women, so often, are frustrated with their husbands, and they think it's a matter of communication, so they keep trying to find new ways to tell them how frustrated they are with them.\u00a0 They think it's just \u2013 \"I've got to give him a word picture, I've got to explain this hurts me.\"\u00a0 What they don't realize is that a lot of guys \u2013 again, we shouldn't be this way.\u00a0 This is what guys often are, though, however.\u00a0 They're not motivated by their wife's pain they're motivated by their own pain.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd so they like to do what they do.\u00a0 If it's blowing off with their temper or not being involved at home or spending money irresponsibly or whatever.\u00a0 They'll put up with their wife's occasional nagging because that's less painful to them than changing their habits.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd so for a lot of women, it's not about learning to communicate better with your husband, it's understanding that some husbands are more motivated by their pain than yours, and it's not that they don't understand you.\u00a0 It's, I'm sorry to say, this sounds so harsh, is that some of them really just don't care.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 They're happy with how life is going for them.\u00a0 Now, a wife is going to hear that, and she's going to go \"Well, so what I need to do is make it unpleasant for him to be that way.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gary:<\/strong>\u00a0 That's the challenge.\u00a0 What I think is a more appropriate response is to stand up in strength and to call him to what he really wants to be.\u00a0 I think, at root, most men want to be more intimately involved with their wives.\u00a0 They may not realize it, and they may not know how to get there, but I think God created us in such a way that we are far more satisfied in an intimate relationship with our wives.\u00a0 We're far more satisfied when we have a healthy relationship with our kids and when our vocation and our recreational lives are in balance.\u00a0 So instead of saying she's going to make life more miserable \u2013 here is what one wife did.\u00a0 She calls it \"the magic question.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tShe was very frustrated with her husband.\u00a0 He wouldn't come home.\u00a0 After work he would go hunting, and she'd complain about that, and he'd say, \"Well, hunting season is almost over not telling her that it was now fishing season was following right behind.\u00a0 So her mind was filled with all the things her husband wasn't doing, and she felt God asking her to ask what she calls \"the magic question,\" which drove her crazy, but she finally gave in.\u00a0 Her husband came home, she goes, \"What am I not doing that you want me to do?\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tShe said it was so difficult for me to look at a man I was so disappointed in and say, \"What could I do better?\"\u00a0 And his response got her angry.\u00a0 He said, \"I want you to be in a good mood when I come home.\"\u00a0 She said that's the worst thing he could have asked me.\u00a0 I wish he would have said, \"Cook three meals a day, clean the house, walk to Africa.\u201d\u00a0 Any of those things would have been better because she was so frustrated with him.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut then she began to think in prayer, \"Well, what is it like for him when I greet him at home usually with a scowl, usually with indifference, usually with frustration.\u00a0 I'm wearing that all on the sleeve, why would he want to come home when that's what greets him?\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd so she began to see, and I think this is the second part of <em>Sacred Influences<\/em>, is just influencing your husband but realizing that being married to a man who stumbles in many ways is one of the ways that God shapes a woman's soul and helps her to grow in selflessness and in character and in patience and perseverance and in love.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 This is one of the things that we\u2019ve been clued into in our marriage because for a wife who has had a full day of all kinds of activities with the kids and stuff going on when her husband gets home the first thing she wants to do is talk about those things.\u00a0 She hasn\u2019t had anybody who is an adult who she can pour all that out to.\u00a0 Well, a husband who is walking in after a day of work\u00a0 the last thing he wants is to get home and get all that dumped on him.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMaryann and I have talked about the fact that she may need to express that but if she can just hold off for a little bit and have the reentry time be a little more graceful then I might be a little more ready to hear all of that stuff.\u00a0 Do you know what I\u2019m talking about?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I do know what you are talking about.\u00a0 In fact I experienced one of those days last Saturday.\u00a0 I\u2019d been away on a trip and came home and Barbara started talking about some of the things she wanted me to fix and repair around the house.\u00a0 If she would have just waited thirty minutes I might have been interested.\u00a0 I might have been able to become motivated but as it was I had to sit there and listen.\u00a0 I asked myself what am I thinking and feeling as a man?\u00a0 I\u2019m feeling like I just left one \u201cto do\u201d list at work and I\u2019m coming home to another \u201cto do\u201d list here.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 You\u2019re thinking I\u2019m calling the airlines to see if there is another flight out of town.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 No.\u00a0 I was tired enough of travel.\u00a0 I had some hassles in travel.\u00a0 Gary one of the things I wanted to ask you is you think that some women don\u2019t\u2019 want to naturally rock the boat.\u00a0 They are kind of people pleasers and they don\u2019t speak the truth to their husband like we are talking about here.\u00a0 They don\u2019t ever tell them what they expect or what they want to experience from their husbands.\u00a0 You believe those women need to speak up.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s interesting.\u00a0 There is a balance here isn\u2019t there between a woman who speaks up and a woman who doesn\u2019t say anything.\u00a0 There are those who do need to say something to their husbands around their expectations.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gary:<\/strong>\u00a0 I think that has to be preceded by an attitude of encouragement and appreciation.\u00a0 That\u2019s why I have a chapter on how you do appreciate an imperfect man.\u00a0 That is a spiritual art and a skill that comes down to love.\u00a0 To love anybody is to learn to appreciate an imperfect person. That has to come first but if a husband is aware that his wife really does notice and appreciate his strengths then she can begin to challenge him in an effective way.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMen have the ability to really detect disappointment.\u00a0 We zero in and we can see that look in our wife\u2019s eyes and we feel the attitude.\u00a0 And again we go back to if I can\u2019t please her I\u2019m just going to quit trying.\u00a0 Dennis this is the difficulty that you talked about.\u00a0 Let me try to use a math equation here.\u00a0 If that is the denominator\u2014encouragement and appreciation then the numerator occasionally will be \u201cand I would really love it if you would do this.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf we know we have their appreciation and their respect now we want to maintain it.\u00a0 That is the foundation then that a woman can use to challenge her husband.\u00a0 So some wives need to take a step back and build that foundation of appreciation and respect so that they can challenge him to do better and he\u2019s going to want to maintain that respect.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Did he lose you with denominator and numerator?\u00a0 I\u2019m just checking.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 No.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 You got all that?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Absolutely.\u00a0 I made good grades in math.\u00a0 What do you mean?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 I\u2019m just checking.\u00a0 I wanted to make sure.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Why would you think I wouldn\u2019t get that?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0 Because it\u2019s been a while since you were in algebra and I wanted to see if you could still lock in on that?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Hey, I\u2019m all over the algebra.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t(laughter)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe thing I think Gary is all over is how to help wives, really, in their role of influence with their husbands, and I just want to make a couple of very important points.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFirst of all, realize, as a wife, you are powerful.\u00a0 You are powerful for good or for evil, and your respect you give you your husband, and the words you use are very, very important.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSecondly, as Gary has quoted a number of times here in this broadcast, James, chapter 3, verse 2 \u2013 we all stumble in what?\u00a0 Many ways.\u00a0 In other words, your man isn't going to be everything you wanted, wished and hoped he would be.\u00a0 In case you wondered who that was?\u00a0 That's God.\u00a0 That's who you're hoping for.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 You didn't marry Jesus, is that what you're saying?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t(laughter)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I know our wives out there did not need to be reminded they didn't marry Jesus, but they didn't.\u00a0 He is an imperfect man, he's going to stumble.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThird, if you haven't done it, take a step back and, by faith, trusting God that He knew what He was doing when He either led you to your spouse or allowed you to marry your spouse, received your spouse as God's gift to you.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHave you ever thanked God for your spouse and said, \"Lord God, thank you for my man or maybe for my wife, in all of his imperfections and all of the ways that he stumbles.\u00a0 Thank you, God, you knew what you were doing and thank you for calling us to be one.\u00a0 Now, Father, would you enable me to treat this gift with respect and know how to be able to empower him and to influence him like Gary has talked about here on the broadcast.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 And I think the point we are making here is that a wife has to come at this with the right heart and the right perspective.\u00a0 When you are frustrated with your husband you don\u2019t always have the right heart and the right perspective and that can sabotage what you are trying to do in the first place.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTo get a copy of the book that Gary has written and to read and to pray through it and to maybe make some adjustments in what your attitude and perspective is.\u00a0 To do what you\u2019ve talked about here Dennis in thanking God for the gift he has given you in your spouse even if you are looking and going this does not feel like a good gift to me.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat perspective adjustment is a key part of being the sacred, holy influence on a husband that God wants you to be as a wife.\u00a0 We do have copies of Gary\u2019s book available in our FamilyLife Resource Center.\u00a0 You can go online at FamilyLifeToday.com.\u00a0 The book is called <em>Sacred Influence\u2014How God Uses Wives to Shape the Souls of Their Husbands<\/em>.\u00a0 Order from us online if you\u2019d like or call 1-800-FLTODAY.\u00a0 That\u2019s 1-800-358-6329.\u00a0 Ask for a copy of the book <em>Sacred Influence<\/em> and we will make arrangements to have it sent to you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are very grateful not only to the folks who not only listen to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> but those of you who from time to time will go online or give us a call and make a donation to help support the ministry of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 Like most of the programs you hear on your local Christian radio station <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is listener supported.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat means that the reason we are able to be here on this station at this time is because in the past people just like you have called or gone online and said we want to help.\u00a0 We want to support the ministry.\u00a0 We believe in what you are doing.\u00a0 God is using it in our lives and we think it is important for others in our community and we\u2019ll make a donation and then you do whatever you can do.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis month we have been saying thank you to those of you who are able to make a donation of any amount by sending upon your request a copy of a new DVD called <em>Magdalena<\/em>.\u00a0 It tells the story of the life of Jesus through the eyes of Mary Magdalene.\u00a0 One of the great things about the DVD is that you can select a different audio track and listen to the film in Spanish, or in French, or in Mandarin, or in Korean, or Arabic, or Russian, or Portuguese.\u00a0 So, if you know someone who is from Korea or someone who speaks Arabic as their first language, you can give them a copy of this movie on DVD and they can be introduced to Jesus in their native tongue.\u00a0 You can receive the DVD as a thank-you gift when you make a donation of any amount this month to support the ministry of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you make that donation online at FamilyLifeToday.com, type \u201cMAGDVD\u201d in the key code box on the online donation form; or simply call 1-800-FLTODAY.\u00a0 Make a donation over the phone and just ask for the <em>Magdalena<\/em> DVD.\u00a0 And again we trust that the resource will be an encouragement to your family and maybe something you can pass along to someone else who will benefit from watching it.\u00a0 Of course we want to say thanks for your support of this ministry.\u00a0 It means a lot that you would make a donation like that.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, tomorrow we are going to be back to talk more with Gary Thomas about how a wife can have a sacred influence in her husband\u2019s life.\u00a0 How she can help to shape his soul.\u00a0 I hope you can be back with us for that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team.\u00a0 On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 We'll see you back tomorrow for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHelp for today.\u00a0 Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts for you. However, there is a cost to transcribe, create, and produce them for our website. If you've benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright \u00a9 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>www.FamilyLife.com<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>","theme_header_position":"","post_header_is_sticky":"","is_header_overlay":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast\/302001","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/podcast"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/91"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=302001"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/294104"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=302001"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=302001"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=302001"},{"taxonomy":"podcast_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast_series?post=302001"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=302001"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=302001"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}