{"id":301997,"date":"2010-03-23T11:00:00","date_gmt":"2010-03-23T15:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/parents-expectations\/"},"modified":"2010-03-23T11:00:00","modified_gmt":"2010-03-23T15:00:00","slug":"parents-expectations","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/parents-expectations\/","title":{"rendered":"Parents\u2019 Expectations"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Karyn Purvis, a former foster mother, cautions parents to be aware of possible risk factors in their adoptive and foster children.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2010-03-23.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:","filesize":"22.78M","filesize_raw":"23887371","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[5134,2712,5135,5133,5132],"podcast_series":[7715],"cwp_profile":[9194],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-301997","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-adopted","tag-adoption","tag-at-risk-children","tag-foster-children","tag-risks","podcast_series-the-connected-child","cwp_profile-karyn-purvis","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/301997\/parents-expectations","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/301997\/parents-expectations","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"XHcItzI8cI\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/parents-expectations\/\">Parents\u2019 Expectations<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/parents-expectations\/embed\/#?secret=XHcItzI8cI\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Parents\u2019 Expectations&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"XHcItzI8cI\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":["https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg",508,508,false]},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"kfairris@familylife.com","author_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/author\/kfairrisfamilylife-com\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"Karyn Purvis, a former foster mother, cautions parents to be aware of possible risk factors in their adoptive and foster children.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2010-03-23.pdf","transcript_content":"<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob<\/strong>:\u00a0 Dr. Karyn Purvis often counsels with perspective adoptive parents making sure that they have adjusted their expectations. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dr. Purvis<\/strong>:\u00a0 We have this dream that we will bring a child home and they will be so thankful; they will be so excited that we love them and those expectations that have to come to the cross before we bring our child home.\u00a0 As I go to bring a child home, because I believe God\u2019s called me to do this, because I have a peace in my spirit to do this, but that child may have left a culture and friends and the only life they knew.\u00a0 It may be their darkest hour in their own little minds. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob<\/strong>:\u00a0 This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Tuesday, March 23<sup>rd<\/sup>, our host is the President of <em>FamilyLife<\/em>, Dennis Rainey and I am Bob Lepine.\u00a0 We will talk today about what adopted parents and foster parents can do to help children with what can be a difficult adjustment to a new life. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>!\u00a0 Thanks for joining us!\u00a0 Remember a number of years ago when the Disney film, <em>Hundred and One Dalmatians<\/em> came out, don\u2019t you?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis<\/strong>:\u00a0 Bob, that was back before \u2018the flood!\u2019\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob<\/strong>:\u00a0 Well, the cartoon came out back before the flood, and then they did a live action version when my kids were growing up and when your kids were in the midst of it.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Okay!\u00a0 Sure! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 The reason I bring it up is because when that happened, all of a sudden there was a rush to the puppy farms.\u00a0 People thought, I want to bring one of those cute Dalmatians home.\u00a0 I remember seeing on TV the animal experts; the dog owners who said, \u201cYou need to know a Dalmatian is not an easy dog to raise.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis<\/strong>:\u00a0 Yes!\u00a0 They are temperamental! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 It is not like it looks in the movie and if you are going to bring home a Dalmatian they said, \u201cWhenever this happens, whenever these movies come out, all of a sudden, the families go off with a romantic vision that we are going to get one of these puppies and it is just going to be cute and six months to a year later there are a lot of orphaned Dalmatians that parents don\u2019t know how to handle.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are not talking about Dalmatians today, but the reality is for parents who are bringing home orphans or children from the foster care system.\u00a0 There can be some lack of understanding of what they are signing up for. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis<\/strong>:\u00a0 I think we tend to romanticize adoption and we make it into this ....\u00a0 as I have said many, many, times here on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, we make it in to a like a story book ending of a family adopting a child or two or three, and it is \u2018happily ever after.\u2019\u00a0 Everything clicks perfectly.\u00a0 Everything is positive, there is nothing but warm fuzzies; those little toddlers turn to mommy and daddy and say, \u201cI want to really thank you for adopting me.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut that may not be the case and more than likely it won\u2019t be the case.\u00a0 And we have someone here to help us who has been working in the area of Developmental Psychology at Texas Christian University; well really for more than two decades.\u00a0 Dr. Karyn Purvis joins us again on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 Karyn, welcome back!\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dr. Purvis<\/strong>:\u00a0 Thank you!\u00a0 It is good to be back! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis<\/strong>:\u00a0 Karyn is the Director of TCU\u2019s Institute of Child Development.\u00a0 She has written a book called, <em>The Connected Child<\/em>, and it is subtitled, <em>For Parents Who Have Welcomed Children From Other Countries and Cultures, from Troubled Backgrounds and also Welcomed Children with Special Behavioral or Emotional Needs<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob<\/strong>:\u00a0 Before you were ever Dr. Purvis, you were mama Karyn, right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dr. Purvis<\/strong>:\u00a0 I was \u2018Mama Karyn.\u2019\u00a0 Right!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob<\/strong>:\u00a0 You raised 3 boys.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dr Purvis<\/strong>:\u00a0 I raised 3 boys! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 And you were also a foster parent, right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dr. Purvis<\/strong>:\u00a0 I was a foster parent! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob<\/strong>:\u00a0 How many foster kids in the Purvis\u2019 home?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dr Purvis<\/strong>: Do you know I can\u2019t tell you.\u00a0 We had many.\u00a0 We began fostering; oh my goodness\u00a0 40 years ago on the streets of Daytona Beach.\u00a0 We were doing a ministry for runaways and drug addicts.\u00a0\u00a0 We began to bring home runaways who left families and were living in the streets.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Is that where your heart for the hurt child began to develop?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dr Purvis<\/strong>:\u00a0 No!\u00a0 That is where God continued my journey, but this is my passion!\u00a0 This is my calling!\u00a0 I am called to the child from the hard place, from the beginning from when I was a child myself.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis<\/strong>:\u00a0 Give us an illustration how God enlarged your heart through that experience.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dr. Purvis<\/strong>:\u00a0 Okay!\u00a0 I can definitely tell you that!\u00a0 When I was 4 I was harmed by some of the older male relatives and knowing deeply the terror; when we began to work as a research institute and we began working with little children, I knew the first thing they needed.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThey needed to be welcomed and they needed to know they were safe. We began to cultivate something we call \u201cFelt Safety.\u201d\u00a0 It has been called something similar to that out of the attachment research.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI will give you an example of this.\u00a0 I am in the home of a mother whose got a little girl adopted at a year of age, from Russia; the little girl is diagnosed with mental illness at 5 \u00bd going on 6.\u00a0 I am talking to mother in the kitchen when she cooks and this darling beautiful little girl comes bouncing in the kitchen and smells this delicious supper.\u00a0 She says, \u201cMama, can I have a power bar?\u201d\u00a0 You know those delicious chocolate bars that are loaded with chocolate and they have a little bit of protein in them and they say it is a candy bar.\u00a0 It is really a candy bar.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis<\/strong>:\u00a0 They call it a \u2018Power Bar!\u2019 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dr Purvis<\/strong>:\u00a0 They call it a \u2018Power Bar,\u2019 that\u2019s right!\u00a0 And she said, \u201cNo baby, you can\u2019t have that, but in 10 minutes we are going to have your favorite supper.\u00a0 I have cooked your favorite supper while Ms Karyn is here.\u201d\u00a0 BAMM!\u00a0\u00a0 This little girl goes, \u201cI hate you!\u00a0 You are mean to me!\u00a0 You never give me anything!\u00a0 I hate you!\u00a0 I hate you!\u201d\u00a0 And she races to her room and she slams the bedroom door and I hear her throwing things.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHer mom says looks at me and she says, \u201cI hope she doesn\u2019t break the vanity mirror again.\u201d And she puts her hands on her hips and said, \u201cDo you think that she overreacted just a little?\u201d\u00a0\u00a0 And I said, \u201cNo!\u00a0\u00a0 I really don\u2019t!\u00a0 You told this little girl she couldn\u2019t eat and she smelled the delicious aromas in this kitchen.\u00a0 And you know she will eat in 10 minutes, but she doesn\u2019t know it.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI said the way that we would call, \u2018Felt Safety\u2019 is I would take that little \u2018Power Bar\u2019 and take that darling child\u2019s hands and I would say, \u201cYes baby, you can have that \u2018Power Bar\u2019 and you can eat it right after dinner.\u00a0 Do you want to put it in your pocket to save or do you want to put it by your plate and save?\u201d\u00a0 Now see, that little girl\u2019s holding that thing\u2019 she knows she is not going to die.\u00a0 You knew it before.\u00a0 She knows it now.\u00a0\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, one month into this family of doing the things that we had taught them about helping her to feel safe and giving her a voice.\u00a0 This little girl sat with her mother and curled her little fingers up, like curling towards....\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Or saying, \u201cCome to me?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dr Purvis<\/strong>:\u00a0 Something like saying, \u201cCome to me.\u201d\u00a0 And she said, \u2018Mommy do you know what this means?\u201d\u00a0 The Mama said, \u201cNo baby, what does that mean?\u201d\u00a0 This precious little girls said, \u201cMommy, it means......\u2019 and she began to look up like she was in the crib in the Russian orphanage and she began to look up and look back and forth and she began to tell the story....she said, \u201cOrphanage lady, will you please stop and give me food?\u00a0 But mommy, nobody will stop and nobody will give me food.\u201d\u00a0 This little girl has been home for 4 years and she has never told anybody that she remembers begging for food.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, when I give that child a \u2018Power Bar,\u2019 and I say, \u201cYes!\u00a0 You can have this candy bar right after dinner, you can keep it in your pocket or you can keep it by your plate.\u201d\u00a0\u00a0 I have spoken to her the language that I know she needs to feel safe; not that I know she is safe, but that she needs to know she is safe.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 As I listen to that story and I have been in some of those orphanages in Russia and in China; and man....I mean, the emotion of a child who is not held ....\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dr. Purvis<\/strong>:\u00a0 Exactly! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 ..... not stroked, loved, cared for, having their needs met; that is a huge deal.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dr Purvis<\/strong>:\u00a0 It is a huge deal! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 And yet, as parents move toward adopting a child and as they count the cost as we talked about earlier of adopting a child, they can\u2019t help but have some expectations of what\u2019s going to happen as they bring this child home, as they welcome the child into their home.\u00a0 You have done a lot of research in this.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou believe that realistic expectations on behalf of the parents are very, very important.\u00a0 In fact, so much so, you shared with me earlier that a couple who are adopting a baby; if they know they are adopting a child that has risk factors, if they count the cost of adopting a child that has serious risk factors ... are they much happier?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dr Purvis<\/strong>:\u00a0 Yes!\u00a0 Absolutely!\u00a0 Research documents the fact that if parents are aware of the risk factors up front as they go into the process, they are aware of possible risk factors.....so, for example; the couple that is told we believe your child may have exposure to Fetal Alcohol.\u00a0 There is some significant evidence that the parent had trouble with alcohol during the pregnancy.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe have some signs that look like he may have been abused or she might have been abused physically or in whatever way.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe parents who go into adoption understanding the risk factors and knowing the risk factors and the possible risk factors ....we can\u2019t always say, because the children can\u2019t always tell.\u00a0 Knowing those risk factors, what we know is ....the outcomes for those families are far better and the parents continue to be most satisfied with their adoption.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 So, adjusting your expectations at that point...\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dr Purvis<\/strong>:\u00a0 Exactly!\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 ...can have a big impact on your experience of adopting a child.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dr Purvis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Exactly!\u00a0 A lot of our families come in with an expectation that this child looks perfect, everything looks perfect, so this is going to be a piece of cake and everything is going to be easy. They don\u2019t understand the risk signs or the risk warnings.\u00a0 They don\u2019t understand the potentials and so their expectation is \u2018I am going to bring this child home and I am going to love them and they are going to love me,\u2019 but that child may have left a culture and friends and the only life they knew.\u00a0 It may be their darkest hour in their own little minds.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 It may not have been safe.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dr Purvis<\/strong>:\u00a0 It may not have been safe at all.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 You may realize that is going to be the case in the first 6 months, but I think again every parent figures there will come a time\u00a0 that child will hit 12\u00a0 or 15 or enter 18 or 21.....\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dr Purvis<\/strong>:\u00a0 ....or 57!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob<\/strong>:\u00a0 .... and they will get to a point where they will say, \u201cYou know I realize now what I never realized but, my life was not going in a good direction and you stepped in and rescued me and thank you so much and I owe you everything.\u00a0 And when that doesn\u2019t happen, because it often doesn\u2019t happen.....\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dr Purvis<\/strong>:\u00a0 No!\u00a0 It doesn\u2019t happen! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0 ..... parents go, \u201cShouldn\u2019t that be the case where a child would wake up and realize what has happened and\u00a0 say \u2013 Thank you!\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dr Purvis<\/strong>:\u00a0 And those are the expectations that have to come to the cross before we bring our child home.\u00a0 As I go to bring a child home because I believe God is called me to do this.\u00a0 I have a peace in my spirit to do this and I am going to love that child unconditionally and that is going to be my expectation.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I am so glad you mentioned the concept of counting the cost because Luke 14; Jesus said, \u201cWhoever wants to be my disciple can be one unless you pick up your cross and follow Christ.\u201d\u00a0 I think one of the things that we don\u2019t talk enough about within the Christian community is \u2018cross carrying.\u2019\u00a0 It is a non-negotiable!\u00a0\u00a0 As a follower of Jesus Christ all of us have a cross to carry.\u00a0 It may be that the child we were hoping to bring into our family and onto our home may look like \u2013 it is just a very simple gift, but there may be some crosses to be carried for a long time because of that child.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dr Purvis:<\/strong>\u00a0 And if we come with expectations and that child is not meeting those expectation, but rather is challenging all or our hopes and dreams it is going to be really hard for us to keep going.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 What does a family do where the child completely disrupts the family?\u00a0 I mean ... it is like the \u2018solar system\u2019 instead of it revolving around the sun, it completely shifts and the child has everybody in the family in orbit around them.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dr Purvis<\/strong>:\u00a0 Yes!\u00a0 I have seen quite a few families where the whole family is on antidepressants, or maybe there is one child who brings their history with them and maybe there are 4 other children and a mom and a dad and everybody is on an antidepressant.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSeveral things are going to come out of that for us; one, is I am going to want to talk to them about the different types of interventions, another is I am going to want to talk to\u00a0 the parent about what they bring to the dance because the attachment dance is a two party dance.\u00a0 And many of the kids that we brought home were doing the \u2018Okie-phen-okie-two-step\u2019 and we are doing the waltz.\u00a0 We have to learn a similar dance.\u00a0 There are so many things.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 You know having just taken some dance lessons, ...\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dr Purvis<\/strong>:\u00a0 Yes?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 You didn\u2019t learn the \u2018Okie-phen-okie-two-step\u2019 did you?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I didn\u2019t learn that, but I want to tell you something that is a great illustration because we are making assumptions about these little people that we can\u2019t make.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dr Purvis<\/strong>:\u00a0 No! These children have not danced a safe dance if they come to us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 As I have heard you describe our expectations and the realities of the hurt child and the need that this child has to feel safe, part of what flashes into my mind is I know that as a parent one of my responsibilities is to help my children get their own impulse control working, so that they are not just responding to their appetite and getting whatever they want.\u00a0 I don\u2019t indulge them every time they have a desire.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHow does a parent have realistic discipline in the home with a child who is looking for voice and safety and you don\u2019t want to just indulge that child every time they say, \u2018give me voice or safety\u2019 and the child thinks that, \u201cWell, I can get whatever I want as long as I ask for it or cry,\u201d \u2013 how do you deal with that?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dr Purvis:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0 You know that is a really good question.\u00a0 We have it in our work what we call \u2018Levels of Response.\u2019 So, there are levels if a child is low-level sassy or low-level disobedient or low-level challenging or if the child has a butcher knife.\u00a0 It goes from a 1 response which is a low level to a high response.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen I can, I am going to say \u2018Yes.\u2019\u00a0 When I can appropriately share power with my child, and I mean appropriately, I am going to.\u00a0 Okay?\u00a0 When I am a mother with my little child I want to sit down and have a cup of tea or I want to sleep at night, if my baby wakes up and they are crying, I share power because I put up my cup of tea or I give up my sleep.\u00a0 I meet that child\u2019s need.\u00a0 I respond to their voice.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFor most of the kids who come home to us the region of the brain that has to do with making good decisions takes 3 years of mentoring to mature.\u00a0 So, if that child came home to us not having optimal care for early months, days or years that region of the brain is not mature.\u00a0 Now, as a child who is 6 or 8, they still need the same things they did as a little one. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Let me try to say with an illustration:\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI am on the playground 10 years ago with a little girl in our first children\u2019s summer camp.\u00a0 We have a summer camp every summer for at risk kiddos.\u00a0 Most of them are adopted, some of them foster care, and some in protective custody come to us.\u00a0 And that little girl, beautiful little cherub-faced angel of about 5 years old, on the playground says to me in a very gruff voice, \u201cYou pick me up and carry me in from the playground.\u201d\u00a0 And that was a low-level challenge right?\u00a0 It is mouthy!\u00a0 So, I gave her a low-level response; that is a level 1 challenge and I gave her a level 1 response.\u00a0 I said, \u201cAre you asking or telling?\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMost kids would say, \u201cWell, I was asking.\u201d\u00a0 To which I would say, \u201cThen try it again with respect.\u201d\u00a0 Now, if she would say to me at that point, \u201cWould you please pick me up and carry me in?\u201d\u00a0 I would want her to know that not manipulation, control or violence was going to meet her needs, but her voice used with respect.\u00a0 Now, this little girl did not say that.\u00a0 This little girl said,...\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis<\/strong>:\u00a0 She challenged you! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dr Purvis<\/strong>:\u00a0 Yes!\u00a0 She did!\u00a0 This little girl said, \u201cChoices are stupid and you are stupid and I am not going in.\u201d\u00a0\u00a0 And so, I leaned down... that is a higher challenge, right?\u00a0 And we would use what we call choices \u2013 right?\u00a0 So, I leaned down to her; got right about 36 inches where you can reach out and touch her shoulder \u2013 not in a threatening way, but in a firm way and I held up 2 fingers and I said, \u201cSweetheart, you can walk beside me and hold my hand, or you can walk beside me, which do you\u00a0 choose?\u201d\u00a0 She said, \u201cChoices are stupid and you are stupid and camp is stupid and I am not coming back tomorrow.\u201d\u00a0 That is keeping it ongoing, right?\u00a0 See, the hope is she would say I will walk beside you and I will hold your hand.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis<\/strong>:\u00a0 Yes!\u00a0 Sure!\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dr Purvis<\/strong>:\u00a0 So, I said, \u201cDarling, do you know what?\u00a0 I want you to think it over.\u00a0 We do not send children away when they are in trouble we bring them closer.\u00a0 I don\u2019t send a child to their room when they are in trouble, but I bring a child closer to me.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, I said, \u201cSweetie, you are having trouble making choices and so I want you sit on the bench right here this park bench under this beautiful shade tree and I am going to wait over here, about 4 -5 feet away, you just take a few deep breaths and think about what you did wrong and how you can do it right and when you are ready to tell me, say \u2018ready\u2019.\u201d\u00a0 And she sat there and kind of heaved and rolled her little eyes and after a few minutes she said, \u201cI am ready, Ms Karyn.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI went over and I knelt down and I took her little hands and I said, \u201cBaby, tell me what you did wrong?\u201d\u00a0 She said, \u201cI was sassy.\u201d\u00a0 I said, \u201cOh, yeah!\u00a0 You were really sassy.\u00a0 You did that good!\u00a0 How can you do it right?\u201d\u00a0 And she said, \u201cI could use my good words.\u201d\u00a0 I said, \u201cYou bet you could, do you want to try it now?\u201d\u00a0 We call this a re-do.\u00a0 We went right back to the scene of the crime and I\u2019ll talk about that from scripture, we went back to the scene of the crime where she had been standing and she came up to me and she said, \u201cMs Karyn, would you please pick me up and carry me in?\u201d\u00a0 I said, \u201cWhoooo Hooo!\u00a0 Darling, that is really good, using your words.\u201d\u00a0 And I gave her a high 5 and I carried her in.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, the next time we are on the playground, what do you think she says to me?\u00a0 \u201cMs Karyn would you pick me up and carry me in?\u201d\u00a0\u00a0 And the next time, \u201cMs Karyn, will you pick me up and carry me in?\u00a0 I said, \u201cYes, darling, I will that is good using your words.\u00a0 The next time on the playground; this went on 5 or 6 times, the next time she said, \u201cMs Karyn, will you pick me up and carry me in?\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI said, \u201cThis time I would like you to practice accepting, No!\u00a0 Whoooo Hooo!\u00a0 Good job accepting, no!\u201d\u00a0\u00a0 And she had taken a deep breath to scream and I said, \u201cYou did a good job of accepting \u2018no.\u2019\u201d\u00a0 And that little girl realized she accepted \u2018no\u2019 and she lost control of the world for just a minute and she didn\u2019t get hurt.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 You know these stories around these children and you didn\u2019t tell us where that little girl had come from.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dr Purvis<\/strong>:\u00a0 She was domestically adopted.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis<\/strong>:\u00a0 She undoubtedly had been hurt ....\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dr Purvis<\/strong>:\u00a0 Yes! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 ... maybe by some evil people.\u00a0 Evil does damage to people! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dr Purvis<\/strong>:\u00a0 Yes it does! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I think it is a part of the story that God is working out in all of our lives that we would be a vessel of the Holy Spirit of God and to be used by Him to produce fruit.\u00a0 One of the fruits of the Holy Spirit is love.\u00a0 Loving a child who has not been loved in his or her life or experienced emotional or physical closeness and what a privilege we have as parents to be able to draw a child close and to hug them even when they don\u2019t want to be hugged and when they get stiff as a\u00a0\u00a0 board and they are saying to you, \u201cI don\u2019t want to be hugged, but don\u2019t stop.\u00a0 Whatever you do, don\u2019t stop!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 And it may take a level of perseverance that you don\u2019t think you have today.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I am telling you... nothing challenged my perseverance as much as raising children. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob<\/strong>:\u00a0 But, that is where you have to stay strong and get help or get a copy of a book like Dr. Karyn Purvis has written called, <em>The Connected Child<\/em>.\u00a0\u00a0 And get together with other parents!\u00a0\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think there is great strength in getting together with other adopted parents or parents of foster children and just being able to say here\u2019s what we have done and finding encouragement in first of all, knowing that you are not alone, and secondly, hearing what other parents have found that has been effective as they have raised their children.\u00a0 You can find out more about Dr. Purvis\u2019 book when you go to our website at FamilyLifeToday.com and the information about the book is available there. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br>Let me also mention that we have got an event coming up at the end of April that if you are involved with Orphan Care or with an Adoption Ministry in a local church or you just have a heart for the orphan and want to get involved and want to know what to do to help others get connected and get involved as well.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFamilyLife is helping to host the Christian Alliance for Orphans Summit VI.\u00a0 Summit VI, is taking place April 29<sup>th<\/sup> and 30<sup>th<\/sup> in Minneapolis where Dr. John Piper is our featured speaker, Dr Al Mohler, Mary Beth Chapman will be speaking, and her husband, Steven Curtis Chapman will be providing music for the event.\u00a0 There will be a variety of workshops and it is a great place to connect with others from around the country.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThere will be folks coming not just from around the country, but from all around the world.\u00a0 Folks who have a heart for the orphan and want to see the church equipped and mobilized to help out with orphan care.\u00a0 And with all that has been going on with Haiti over the last several months, this is a fresh issue on the minds of many people.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you need more information about Summit VI taking place in Minneapolis at the end of April, go to FamilyLifeToday.com and there is a link you can click on there that will get you all the information you need.\u00a0 Again, our website, FamilyLifeToday.com or you can call, toll-free, 1-800-FLTODAY, 1-800-358-6329.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 That\u2019s 1-800 F as in \u201cfamily\u201d L as in \u201clife\u201d and then the word TODAY, and someone on our team can answer any questions you have about the Orphan Summit or we can make arrangements to have a copy of Dr. Purvis\u2019 books sent to you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNext week, our focus is on the death and burial and ultimately the resurrection of Christ.\u00a0 As we begin to draw our attention toward what took place during the last week of Christ\u2019s life on earth, we have a tool that we would like to send\u00a0 to you that we think will be not only good for your whole family to watch, but something that you can pass along to others as well.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThere is a new movie that is out called, <em>Magdalena<\/em>.\u00a0 It tells the story of Jesus through the eyes of Mary Magdalene and it is very powerful.\u00a0 And we are sending it this month to those who help support the ministry of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> with a donation of any amount.\u00a0 We are listener supported and your contributions help keep <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> on the air on this station and on other stations all across the country.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf today you make a donation of any amount and you would like to receive the <em>Magdalena<\/em> DVD we can still get it to you in time for Easter.\u00a0 All you have to do is go on line today and make a donation of any amount and just type \u2013 \u201cMAGDVD\u201d into the key code box on the online donation form; \u201cMAGDVD\u201d all one word or simply call 1-800-FLTODAY and make a donation of any amount over the phone and ask for a copy of the <em>Magdalena<\/em> DVD. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe will get it sent out to you and we trust that God will use it in a powerful way in your family\u2019s life and in the life of friends that you may want to pass it along to this Easter season.\u00a0 Again, our website, FamilyLifeToday.com or you can call toll-free,-1-800-FLTODAY.\u00a0 Let me just say thanks so much for your financial partnership here in the ministry of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 We really appreciate you!\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow tomorrow Dr. Karyn Purvis is going to be back with us and we are going to continue our conversation about how we can help as parents when children have come from hard places.\u00a0 I hope you can be with us for that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team on behalf of our host Dennis Rainey, I am Bob Lepine.\u00a0 We will see you back tomorrow for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today.<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHelp for Today!\u00a0 Hope for Tomorrow!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts for you. However, there is a cost to transcribe, create, and produce them for our website. If you've benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright \u00a9 FamilyLife. 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