{"id":301978,"date":"2010-02-05T12:00:00","date_gmt":"2010-02-05T17:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/love-renewed-after-shattered-dreams\/"},"modified":"2010-02-05T12:00:00","modified_gmt":"2010-02-05T17:00:00","slug":"love-renewed-after-shattered-dreams","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/love-renewed-after-shattered-dreams\/","title":{"rendered":"Love Renewed After Shattered Dreams"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>David Bentall focused all his energy on his career during the first 2 years of marriage.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2010-02-05.mp3","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:","filesize":"11.57M","filesize_raw":"12131977","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[10361],"tags":[4848,4866],"podcast_series":[],"cwp_profile":[8968],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-301978","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-busyness-and-stress","tag-career","tag-workaholic","cwp_profile-david-bentall","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/301978\/love-renewed-after-shattered-dreams","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/301978\/love-renewed-after-shattered-dreams","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"Qn3feDcS8g\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/love-renewed-after-shattered-dreams\/\">Love Renewed After Shattered Dreams<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/love-renewed-after-shattered-dreams\/embed\/#?secret=Qn3feDcS8g\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Love Renewed After Shattered Dreams&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"Qn3feDcS8g\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2010-02-05.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2010-02-05.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u00a0Did you consider that seriously?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong>\u00a0 Not seriously, but logically I went through \u2013 okay, that's the only way out of this, because I'd made a commitment for life.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 So it was 'til death do us part?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, so I figured that was the only way out of that deal.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 During this same period of time you had four children?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, three at that time.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Was there ever a moment when either one of you left the marriage, either physically or emotionally?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong>\u00a0 Allison left the marriage emotionally for about 10 years.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Wow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 What did that look like?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong>\u00a0 She didn't kiss me tenderly for 10 years.\u00a0 I went to counseling with her.\u00a0 She and I were in counseling with a very competent counselor, and after the first three sessions my wife said, \"You know what?\u00a0 I don't think this is going to work.\u00a0 I've seen in black and white we're different in every way.\u00a0 I give up.\"\u00a0 She gave up.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 So, as he sat down and showed how different you were, she said, \"I just picked the wrong person.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong>\u00a0 Cannot get there from here.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 But she was stuck by the same commitment that you were stuck by?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong>\u00a0 Not really.\u00a0 She talked about leaving, and two or three of her closest friends, including her sister, talked to her during that time, and they all said, \"You know, your children, your three children, should be raised by a mommy and a daddy, and they don't need to experience a single-parent family.\"\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd so Allison said to me, \"I was thinking of leaving.\"\u00a0 I said, \"Oh, you were?\"\u00a0 She said, \"Yes.\"\u00a0 I said, \"Have you decided to stay?\"\u00a0 She said, \"Yes.\"\u00a0 I said, \"Well, that's good news.\"\u00a0 She said, \"Well, no, not really.\"\u00a0 She said, \"You're hopeless, but I've decided to stay for the children.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd so Allison stayed, in spite of the fact that I was completely inept at loving her, she stayed for the benefit of the children.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 What goes through a man's mind when he is being told by his wife that emotionally and even volitionally as a lover, you're not getting the job done?\u00a0 Was that devastating?\u00a0 Or did you still not get it at that point to know what you were missing?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong>\u00a0 I didn't know what I was doing wrong, Dennis, and one thing you get to know about me, I'm not a quitter.\u00a0 So I just figured, \"Okay, I guess I've got to figure this out.\"\u00a0 So I continued to go to counseling, and a breakthrough moment \u2013 there were many breakthroughs in the last 18 years or so since we'd been trying to rebuild things unhappily.\u00a0 Allison said that other day \u2013 I asked her, by the way, \"On a scale of 1 to 10 how would you rate our marriage today,\" and she allowed that \"I could say better than an eight but not yet 10.\"\u00a0 So we've got something that's flourishing, and we're so thankful we stayed together.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut I remember Dr. H. Norman Wright was the counselor that we were at for a while together, and then I was on my own with him.\u00a0 He said \u2013 I told him about one of the struggles I was having, and I said, \"I'll phone Allison when I'm on a business trip or at the office, and I'll phone her, and I'll say 'I love you,' and she goes, 'Uh-huh.'\"\u00a0 He said, \"What do you expect?\"\u00a0 And I said, \"Well, I expect her to say 'I love you, too.'\"\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd he said, \"David, I'd like to give you a challenge.\u00a0 I'd like you to choose to either not say that anymore or only say that without expecting a response, because your job is to love your wife regardless, not to go fishing for her to say 'I love you.'\"\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd that was the beginning of me deciding to love her regardless, and you know what?\u00a0 I had to do that for a long time.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Twenty-two years into your marriage, you'd been going to church during this period of time, right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 You came to church and stumbled upon a brochure for a weekend getaway.\u00a0 Had your marriage hit another wall at that point, where it was either\u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong>\u00a0 It's interesting, that week I had threatened Allison.\u00a0 I said, \"Look, I am unhappy.\u00a0 I'm working real hard at this.\u00a0 We've been trying for a long time, but I'd like to either go to a marriage weekend or go back to counseling again, because I'm still struggling so much with how things are going.\"\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd she said, \"Well, let's go to a marriage retreat.\u00a0 Let's pray that we can find one.\"\u00a0 So at our church we bumped into some information about the FamilyLife seminar that was going to be held on Vancouver Island.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 So you decided to go just based upon a brochure without anybody giving you any kind of endorsement?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong>\u00a0 I knew nothing about it.\u00a0 I had no idea what I was getting into.\u00a0 As a matter of fact, both of us went and sat in the back row.\u00a0 There were 200 couples, and we sat in the very, very back row on purpose.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Near the exit?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong>\u00a0 Near the exit, and both of us with our arms crossed, like, \"You just try and impress us or change us, because there's no way you can fix us.\u00a0 We've been married 22 years and we've got big problems.\u00a0 We are almost beyond help.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Not only had you been married 22 years, big problems, but you'd been in counseling separately and together for more than a decade?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong>\u00a0 Intermittently, actually, we went to four different counselors over a period of time.\u00a0 We tried a man, we tried a woman, we tried someone out of town, and we tried someone in town.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 So I can understand where, with that kind of a track record, you'd think what's a weekend going to do?\u00a0 In fact, you may have sat there Friday night thinking, \"What are we doing here?\u00a0 Why are we wasting the weekend?\"\u00a0 Did you think that?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong>\u00a0 I know Allison thought that.\u00a0 She went only because I sort of gave her an ultimatum.\u00a0 It was this or go back to counseling.\u00a0 She figured going away for a weekend was less painful, probably.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 And what happened that first night?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong>\u00a0 I'll never forget it, Bob, because at the beginning of the weekend, there were a few jokes told and the speakers were getting to know us a little bit.\u00a0 I was kind of going, \"Oh, yeah, make me laugh.\u00a0 This is serious business.\"\u00a0 I was kind of going, \"What are they trying to be so funny for?\"\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut then they went over the five barriers to oneness in marriage, and they went over the first one of our little notebooks, and I looked over at Allison's, and I noticed that she'd put a little tick beside us having the first barrier to oneness.\u00a0 And I thought, \"Yeah, we got that one.\"\u00a0 It came to number two, and we had that; I thought, \"I wonder if we can be three for three?\"\u00a0 And, sure enough, we were three for three.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 She's checking these off. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong>\u00a0 We're both checking them off.\u00a0 We're going, \"Man, we've got all three, four,\" we had all five of the common barriers to oneness in marriage.\u00a0 Dennis, that was such a breakthrough for me intellectually, because I now saw that all five of the common barriers to oneness were evident in our marriage.\u00a0 No wonder we were having trouble.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd, secondly, I no longer felt that I was alone, because all these 200 couples, they probably had some of the barriers. I also realized that whoever put this Weekend to Remember together probably knew something about our lives, and I was willing to trust that process because the people who had put together those questions obviously knew something about what was going on.\u00a0 It was like they'd been reading our mail.\u00a0 So I had confidence that what was coming next was likely to be helpful.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 And what came next was the next morning when we began to unpack God's purpose and God's plan for marriage, and, again, even with years of counseling in your background and being at church, there were some \"Aha\" moments for you that morning, weren't there?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong>\u00a0 There were many over the weekend, but I think the most significant was when I was asked to make a decision to accept Allison as a gift from God, and I remember thinking, \"No, she's not.\u00a0 She's a penalty from God not a gift.\u00a0 This has been 22 years of hard work.\u00a0 Dennis Rainey, or whoever this guy is or whoever putting this thing together is totally wrong.\"\u00a0 And that was how I heard those words. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut as I wrestled with that truth, that Allison was a gift from God and made the choice to accept her, and she did the same for me, that was a remarkable breakthrough \u2013 probably the most significant thing that happened in helping us rebuild our marriage.<br><\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Why do you think that choice was so significant?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong>\u00a0 Bob, I think it has to do with whether you are having a contest with each other or whether you're on the same team.\u00a0 I realized that she and I were on the same team; that she was a gift.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Whether you're going to compete or complete one another.\u00a0 You actually made the decision to receive her as God's gift to complete you instead of you competing against her.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Did you express to her in that weekend that you'd made that decision?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, it was five years ago now, and I don't remember \u2013 some of it blurs together.\u00a0 I think I may have written that out to her.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, there's a love letter that you wrote.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong>\u00a0 I think I wrote it in the love letter.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 And did you read that love letter to her.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Do you remember what happened?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong>\u00a0 Just that she read hers to me, and we both felt pretty good afterwards.\u00a0 The stars didn't all align or anything, but for both of us, it was \u2013 you know, we had been working hard at this already, so this was \u2013 it began intellectually for me.\u00a0 I need to emphasize that.\u00a0 It was in my head first, and then as we journeyed in that, emotions began to change over time and healing began to happen.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 A lot of times, as people leave the conference, what they tell us is that they leave with two things.\u00a0 They leave with some practical tools, some things that opened up for them that weekend that they hadn't considered before, and they leave with a fresh sense of hope.\u00a0 Many of them came on Friday night without a whole lot of hope.\u00a0 I would guess Allison didn't have a whole lot of hope for the marriage or for the weekend.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, I think neither of us came with much.\u00a0 I came cynically but hopefully; she came probably not with much hope.\u00a0 And, you know, I'm happy to share that we actually, just, about a year-and-a-half ago invited two other couples to come with us to another FamilyLife weekend.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOne couple had been separated for two years, been living in separate homes.\u00a0 There had been infidelity on the path of one other couple, and we invited them to come and shortly after the weekend, they invited us to go to our church where they renewed their vows in a formal ceremony.\u00a0 The other couple who we invited, invited us to a restaurant where they signed a re-commitment of their vows, and I am so thankful for the opportunity not only that we've had to learn ourselves but to be able to reach out to our friends and say, \"Here is something that you can come to that can make a profound impact on helping you to love your spouse and learn what God's design is for marriage.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 You took it back to your neighborhood and started a HomeBuilders Bible study.\u00a0 It\u2019s a small group Bible study for four to seven couple who can join together in a home.\u00a0 Tell us about that because you\u2019ve had some profound experiences there with some people who have said they would have never found themselves in a Bible study.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong>\u00a0 There were four couples in our study.\u00a0 One of the fellows a big strong athletic guy sits quietly and doesn\u2019t say much.\u00a0 His wife always does her homework ahead of time and is willing to share.\u00a0 We were talking about our schedule for when we were going to get together next and I said do you want to try and meet two or three times more between now and the summer or should we just take a break?\u00a0 He startled me when he said, \u201cI\u2019ve never looked forward to being in a Bible study ever in my life.\u00a0 This is the first study that I\u2019ve ever looked forward to.\u00a0\u00a0 I love it and I\u2019ve found it practical and helpful.\u201d\u00a0 I\u2019m thrilled that the HomeBuilders material is so easy for me as the leader.\u00a0 The questions are there and the resources are so solid it is easy for the leader.\u00a0 Those who come have been helped by it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMy wife and I as we do the homework between each session we\u2019ve had some good times together doing that.\u00a0 One of our highlights was listing all the letters of the alphabet something positive that we saw in each other.\u00a0 That was a great one for us to do as an exercise.\u00a0 Because I\u2019ve spent so much time dwelling on the negative that was a really good one to be able to share with Allison\u2014Twenty six ways to share how I appreciate her.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I think many times we underestimate how powerful it can be when both a husband and a wife get the right set of blueprints to build their marriage from and then have that same set of blueprints before them.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong>\u00a0 They're trying to build the same house.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 That's right.\u00a0 You have a common set of blueprints.\u00a0 Two builders that have the same language, they're using the same vocabulary, and they are committed to one another to do this building.\u00a0 Are the results worth it, David?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTell us what you have today, five years later, after having attended that first conference.\u00a0 You said your marriage is now an eight.\u00a0 That's a dramatic turnaround from a one, a two, or a three.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, and, Dennis, I didn't know what marriage should be like, and so I was trying to build it on my own without any blueprints.\u00a0 I'm so thankful that Allison and I now are journeying towards becoming best friends.\u00a0 Our relationship is one where we're encouraging each other and you had challenged us to pray together.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI remember coming across the statistic, what does it say, that in Canada and in the United States today one in every two marriages is likely to end in divorce.\u00a0 But I've heard that if a husband and wife will pray together four or five times a week for five minutes, someone has done a study and said only one in 1,052 of those marriages will not survive.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo Allison and I have begun, largely as a result of your encouragement, to pray together routinely in the evening.\u00a0 We're just thankful that God is giving us not something radically different but something profoundly different.\u00a0 And what do I mean by that?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGod has given us the ability to learn what it means to give of ourselves to another person and to be safe in their company.\u00a0 It didn't used to be safe for us.\u00a0 Now we're learning what it means to serve each other, and we're not perfect, Dennis, but I'm thankful that God has preserved our marriage, and you've helped us to learn how to rebuild it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 You know, listening to that story, Bob, it is why we do what we do here on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, so that they can experience the benefit of knowing Christ and embracing the truth of Scripture.\u00a0 If you do that you\u2019ll be as Jesus said like a wise man who built his house on a rock.\u00a0 When the winds came and the floods burst against that house and the rain descended the house stood because it had been built on the rock.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou're a wise builder, David.\u00a0 You and Allison are wise builders, and it's cool to hear of a home that hasn't crumbled under the cultural onslaught and under your own differences as male and female and your backgrounds and how you hurt one another, but you kept your covenant.\u00a0 I appreciate you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong>\u00a0 Thanks.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 I\u2019m sitting here thinking about next weekend Dennis, when you and Barbara are going to be up at the Gaylord National in the Washington, D.C. area speaking to hundreds of couples from around the area who are coming out for the Weekend to Remember\u00ae conference.\u00a0 I\u2019m going to be at the Hershey Lodge in Hershey, Pennsylvania that same weekend.\u00a0 It\u2019s Valentine\u2019s Weekend.\u00a0 We\u2019ve got other conferences taking place in other parts of the country.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThroughout the spring we will be hosting the Weekend to Remember\u00ae in dozens of cities and I hope our listeners who wait for their marriage to get near the place where David\u2019s and Allison\u2019s marriage was before they come out and spend a weekend with us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen you go to our website at FamilyLifeToday.com and get information there.\u00a0 Or call 1-800-FL-TODAY and we can answer any questions you might have and get you registered over the phone.\u00a0 We do hope you\u2019ll plan to come out for one of these weekend conferences.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI also want to piggyback on something else that David mentioned.\u00a0 We really believe there is great power when couples get together with other couples and you spend time talking about your marriage and about what the Bible has to say about building a stronger marriage.\u00a0 That\u2019s what our HomeBuilders Couples Series was designed to facilitate.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe\u2019ve just gone through a refresh on a number of these titles.\u00a0\u00a0 You can go to FamilyLifeToday.com for more information on the materials that are available and also information on how to start a HomeBuilders group.\u00a0 It\u2019s easy to do.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to wrap up the week by saying thanks to the folks who help support the ministry of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 In a very real sense this program would not be on the air on this local station if it were not for folks like you who not only listen but from time to time go online to make a donation.\u00a0 We very much appreciate the folks who go that extra step and call in with a donation.\u00a0 You\u2019re support means a lot to us.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis month if you can help with a donation of any amount we\u2019d like to say thank you by sending you a copy of a CD that features a message from Jody and Linda Dillow.\u00a0 They gave this message at a conference we sponsored a few years ago.\u00a0 A message on marital intimacy.\u00a0 They call it <em>The Four Flames of Marriage Intimacy<\/em>.\u00a0 That CD is our thank you gift to you when you support the ministry of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> this month with a donation of any amount.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you are making the donation online type the word \u201cFOUR\u201d in the key code box on the online donation form.\u00a0 If you\u2019re calling to make your donation just mention that you\u2019d like the CD that we were talking about on the radio.\u00a0 We are happy to get it out to you.\u00a0 We do very much appreciate your financial support of the ministry of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe hope you have a great weekend.\u00a0 We hope you and your family are able to worship and we hope you can join us back on Monday when we are going to hear from Dennis about what a couple can do to keep the romantic fireplace roaring even when the wood has gotten a little wet.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI hope you can be with us for that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today Keith Lynch and our entire broadcast production team on behalf of our host Dennis Rainey I\u2019m Bob Lepine.\u00a0 We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHelp for today.\u00a0 Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts for you. However, there is a cost to transcribe, create, and produce them for our website. If you've benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright \u00a9 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>www.FamilyLife.com<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>"],"_seopress_titles_title":[""],"_seopress_titles_desc":[""],"_seopress_robots_index":[""],"duration":["00:"],"show_notes":[""],"_thumbnail_id":["294104"],"filesize":["11.57M"],"filesize_raw":["12131977"],"_uag_css_file_name":["uag-css-301978.css"],"_uag_js_file_name":["uag-js-301978.js"],"_uag_page_assets":["a:9:{s:3:\"css\";s:82560:\".wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-top svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-top .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: rgba(51,51,51,1);}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-bottom svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-bottom .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: rgba(51,51,51,1);}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f 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Bentall focused all his energy on his career during the first 2 years of marriage.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2010-02-05.pdf","transcript_content":"<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u00a0Did you consider that seriously?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong>\u00a0 Not seriously, but logically I went through \u2013 okay, that's the only way out of this, because I'd made a commitment for life.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 So it was 'til death do us part?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, so I figured that was the only way out of that deal.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 During this same period of time you had four children?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, three at that time.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Was there ever a moment when either one of you left the marriage, either physically or emotionally?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong>\u00a0 Allison left the marriage emotionally for about 10 years.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Wow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 What did that look like?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong>\u00a0 She didn't kiss me tenderly for 10 years.\u00a0 I went to counseling with her.\u00a0 She and I were in counseling with a very competent counselor, and after the first three sessions my wife said, \"You know what?\u00a0 I don't think this is going to work.\u00a0 I've seen in black and white we're different in every way.\u00a0 I give up.\"\u00a0 She gave up.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 So, as he sat down and showed how different you were, she said, \"I just picked the wrong person.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong>\u00a0 Cannot get there from here.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 But she was stuck by the same commitment that you were stuck by?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong>\u00a0 Not really.\u00a0 She talked about leaving, and two or three of her closest friends, including her sister, talked to her during that time, and they all said, \"You know, your children, your three children, should be raised by a mommy and a daddy, and they don't need to experience a single-parent family.\"\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd so Allison said to me, \"I was thinking of leaving.\"\u00a0 I said, \"Oh, you were?\"\u00a0 She said, \"Yes.\"\u00a0 I said, \"Have you decided to stay?\"\u00a0 She said, \"Yes.\"\u00a0 I said, \"Well, that's good news.\"\u00a0 She said, \"Well, no, not really.\"\u00a0 She said, \"You're hopeless, but I've decided to stay for the children.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd so Allison stayed, in spite of the fact that I was completely inept at loving her, she stayed for the benefit of the children.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 What goes through a man's mind when he is being told by his wife that emotionally and even volitionally as a lover, you're not getting the job done?\u00a0 Was that devastating?\u00a0 Or did you still not get it at that point to know what you were missing?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong>\u00a0 I didn't know what I was doing wrong, Dennis, and one thing you get to know about me, I'm not a quitter.\u00a0 So I just figured, \"Okay, I guess I've got to figure this out.\"\u00a0 So I continued to go to counseling, and a breakthrough moment \u2013 there were many breakthroughs in the last 18 years or so since we'd been trying to rebuild things unhappily.\u00a0 Allison said that other day \u2013 I asked her, by the way, \"On a scale of 1 to 10 how would you rate our marriage today,\" and she allowed that \"I could say better than an eight but not yet 10.\"\u00a0 So we've got something that's flourishing, and we're so thankful we stayed together.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut I remember Dr. H. Norman Wright was the counselor that we were at for a while together, and then I was on my own with him.\u00a0 He said \u2013 I told him about one of the struggles I was having, and I said, \"I'll phone Allison when I'm on a business trip or at the office, and I'll phone her, and I'll say 'I love you,' and she goes, 'Uh-huh.'\"\u00a0 He said, \"What do you expect?\"\u00a0 And I said, \"Well, I expect her to say 'I love you, too.'\"\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd he said, \"David, I'd like to give you a challenge.\u00a0 I'd like you to choose to either not say that anymore or only say that without expecting a response, because your job is to love your wife regardless, not to go fishing for her to say 'I love you.'\"\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd that was the beginning of me deciding to love her regardless, and you know what?\u00a0 I had to do that for a long time.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Twenty-two years into your marriage, you'd been going to church during this period of time, right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 You came to church and stumbled upon a brochure for a weekend getaway.\u00a0 Had your marriage hit another wall at that point, where it was either\u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong>\u00a0 It's interesting, that week I had threatened Allison.\u00a0 I said, \"Look, I am unhappy.\u00a0 I'm working real hard at this.\u00a0 We've been trying for a long time, but I'd like to either go to a marriage weekend or go back to counseling again, because I'm still struggling so much with how things are going.\"\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd she said, \"Well, let's go to a marriage retreat.\u00a0 Let's pray that we can find one.\"\u00a0 So at our church we bumped into some information about the FamilyLife seminar that was going to be held on Vancouver Island.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 So you decided to go just based upon a brochure without anybody giving you any kind of endorsement?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong>\u00a0 I knew nothing about it.\u00a0 I had no idea what I was getting into.\u00a0 As a matter of fact, both of us went and sat in the back row.\u00a0 There were 200 couples, and we sat in the very, very back row on purpose.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Near the exit?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong>\u00a0 Near the exit, and both of us with our arms crossed, like, \"You just try and impress us or change us, because there's no way you can fix us.\u00a0 We've been married 22 years and we've got big problems.\u00a0 We are almost beyond help.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Not only had you been married 22 years, big problems, but you'd been in counseling separately and together for more than a decade?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong>\u00a0 Intermittently, actually, we went to four different counselors over a period of time.\u00a0 We tried a man, we tried a woman, we tried someone out of town, and we tried someone in town.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 So I can understand where, with that kind of a track record, you'd think what's a weekend going to do?\u00a0 In fact, you may have sat there Friday night thinking, \"What are we doing here?\u00a0 Why are we wasting the weekend?\"\u00a0 Did you think that?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong>\u00a0 I know Allison thought that.\u00a0 She went only because I sort of gave her an ultimatum.\u00a0 It was this or go back to counseling.\u00a0 She figured going away for a weekend was less painful, probably.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 And what happened that first night?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong>\u00a0 I'll never forget it, Bob, because at the beginning of the weekend, there were a few jokes told and the speakers were getting to know us a little bit.\u00a0 I was kind of going, \"Oh, yeah, make me laugh.\u00a0 This is serious business.\"\u00a0 I was kind of going, \"What are they trying to be so funny for?\"\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut then they went over the five barriers to oneness in marriage, and they went over the first one of our little notebooks, and I looked over at Allison's, and I noticed that she'd put a little tick beside us having the first barrier to oneness.\u00a0 And I thought, \"Yeah, we got that one.\"\u00a0 It came to number two, and we had that; I thought, \"I wonder if we can be three for three?\"\u00a0 And, sure enough, we were three for three.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 She's checking these off. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong>\u00a0 We're both checking them off.\u00a0 We're going, \"Man, we've got all three, four,\" we had all five of the common barriers to oneness in marriage.\u00a0 Dennis, that was such a breakthrough for me intellectually, because I now saw that all five of the common barriers to oneness were evident in our marriage.\u00a0 No wonder we were having trouble.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd, secondly, I no longer felt that I was alone, because all these 200 couples, they probably had some of the barriers. I also realized that whoever put this Weekend to Remember together probably knew something about our lives, and I was willing to trust that process because the people who had put together those questions obviously knew something about what was going on.\u00a0 It was like they'd been reading our mail.\u00a0 So I had confidence that what was coming next was likely to be helpful.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 And what came next was the next morning when we began to unpack God's purpose and God's plan for marriage, and, again, even with years of counseling in your background and being at church, there were some \"Aha\" moments for you that morning, weren't there?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong>\u00a0 There were many over the weekend, but I think the most significant was when I was asked to make a decision to accept Allison as a gift from God, and I remember thinking, \"No, she's not.\u00a0 She's a penalty from God not a gift.\u00a0 This has been 22 years of hard work.\u00a0 Dennis Rainey, or whoever this guy is or whoever putting this thing together is totally wrong.\"\u00a0 And that was how I heard those words. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut as I wrestled with that truth, that Allison was a gift from God and made the choice to accept her, and she did the same for me, that was a remarkable breakthrough \u2013 probably the most significant thing that happened in helping us rebuild our marriage.<br><\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Why do you think that choice was so significant?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong>\u00a0 Bob, I think it has to do with whether you are having a contest with each other or whether you're on the same team.\u00a0 I realized that she and I were on the same team; that she was a gift.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Whether you're going to compete or complete one another.\u00a0 You actually made the decision to receive her as God's gift to complete you instead of you competing against her.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Did you express to her in that weekend that you'd made that decision?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, it was five years ago now, and I don't remember \u2013 some of it blurs together.\u00a0 I think I may have written that out to her.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, there's a love letter that you wrote.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong>\u00a0 I think I wrote it in the love letter.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 And did you read that love letter to her.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Do you remember what happened?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong>\u00a0 Just that she read hers to me, and we both felt pretty good afterwards.\u00a0 The stars didn't all align or anything, but for both of us, it was \u2013 you know, we had been working hard at this already, so this was \u2013 it began intellectually for me.\u00a0 I need to emphasize that.\u00a0 It was in my head first, and then as we journeyed in that, emotions began to change over time and healing began to happen.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 A lot of times, as people leave the conference, what they tell us is that they leave with two things.\u00a0 They leave with some practical tools, some things that opened up for them that weekend that they hadn't considered before, and they leave with a fresh sense of hope.\u00a0 Many of them came on Friday night without a whole lot of hope.\u00a0 I would guess Allison didn't have a whole lot of hope for the marriage or for the weekend.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, I think neither of us came with much.\u00a0 I came cynically but hopefully; she came probably not with much hope.\u00a0 And, you know, I'm happy to share that we actually, just, about a year-and-a-half ago invited two other couples to come with us to another FamilyLife weekend.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOne couple had been separated for two years, been living in separate homes.\u00a0 There had been infidelity on the path of one other couple, and we invited them to come and shortly after the weekend, they invited us to go to our church where they renewed their vows in a formal ceremony.\u00a0 The other couple who we invited, invited us to a restaurant where they signed a re-commitment of their vows, and I am so thankful for the opportunity not only that we've had to learn ourselves but to be able to reach out to our friends and say, \"Here is something that you can come to that can make a profound impact on helping you to love your spouse and learn what God's design is for marriage.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 You took it back to your neighborhood and started a HomeBuilders Bible study.\u00a0 It\u2019s a small group Bible study for four to seven couple who can join together in a home.\u00a0 Tell us about that because you\u2019ve had some profound experiences there with some people who have said they would have never found themselves in a Bible study.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong>\u00a0 There were four couples in our study.\u00a0 One of the fellows a big strong athletic guy sits quietly and doesn\u2019t say much.\u00a0 His wife always does her homework ahead of time and is willing to share.\u00a0 We were talking about our schedule for when we were going to get together next and I said do you want to try and meet two or three times more between now and the summer or should we just take a break?\u00a0 He startled me when he said, \u201cI\u2019ve never looked forward to being in a Bible study ever in my life.\u00a0 This is the first study that I\u2019ve ever looked forward to.\u00a0\u00a0 I love it and I\u2019ve found it practical and helpful.\u201d\u00a0 I\u2019m thrilled that the HomeBuilders material is so easy for me as the leader.\u00a0 The questions are there and the resources are so solid it is easy for the leader.\u00a0 Those who come have been helped by it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMy wife and I as we do the homework between each session we\u2019ve had some good times together doing that.\u00a0 One of our highlights was listing all the letters of the alphabet something positive that we saw in each other.\u00a0 That was a great one for us to do as an exercise.\u00a0 Because I\u2019ve spent so much time dwelling on the negative that was a really good one to be able to share with Allison\u2014Twenty six ways to share how I appreciate her.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I think many times we underestimate how powerful it can be when both a husband and a wife get the right set of blueprints to build their marriage from and then have that same set of blueprints before them.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong>\u00a0 They're trying to build the same house.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 That's right.\u00a0 You have a common set of blueprints.\u00a0 Two builders that have the same language, they're using the same vocabulary, and they are committed to one another to do this building.\u00a0 Are the results worth it, David?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTell us what you have today, five years later, after having attended that first conference.\u00a0 You said your marriage is now an eight.\u00a0 That's a dramatic turnaround from a one, a two, or a three.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, and, Dennis, I didn't know what marriage should be like, and so I was trying to build it on my own without any blueprints.\u00a0 I'm so thankful that Allison and I now are journeying towards becoming best friends.\u00a0 Our relationship is one where we're encouraging each other and you had challenged us to pray together.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI remember coming across the statistic, what does it say, that in Canada and in the United States today one in every two marriages is likely to end in divorce.\u00a0 But I've heard that if a husband and wife will pray together four or five times a week for five minutes, someone has done a study and said only one in 1,052 of those marriages will not survive.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo Allison and I have begun, largely as a result of your encouragement, to pray together routinely in the evening.\u00a0 We're just thankful that God is giving us not something radically different but something profoundly different.\u00a0 And what do I mean by that?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGod has given us the ability to learn what it means to give of ourselves to another person and to be safe in their company.\u00a0 It didn't used to be safe for us.\u00a0 Now we're learning what it means to serve each other, and we're not perfect, Dennis, but I'm thankful that God has preserved our marriage, and you've helped us to learn how to rebuild it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 You know, listening to that story, Bob, it is why we do what we do here on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, so that they can experience the benefit of knowing Christ and embracing the truth of Scripture.\u00a0 If you do that you\u2019ll be as Jesus said like a wise man who built his house on a rock.\u00a0 When the winds came and the floods burst against that house and the rain descended the house stood because it had been built on the rock.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou're a wise builder, David.\u00a0 You and Allison are wise builders, and it's cool to hear of a home that hasn't crumbled under the cultural onslaught and under your own differences as male and female and your backgrounds and how you hurt one another, but you kept your covenant.\u00a0 I appreciate you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong>\u00a0 Thanks.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 I\u2019m sitting here thinking about next weekend Dennis, when you and Barbara are going to be up at the Gaylord National in the Washington, D.C. area speaking to hundreds of couples from around the area who are coming out for the Weekend to Remember\u00ae conference.\u00a0 I\u2019m going to be at the Hershey Lodge in Hershey, Pennsylvania that same weekend.\u00a0 It\u2019s Valentine\u2019s Weekend.\u00a0 We\u2019ve got other conferences taking place in other parts of the country.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThroughout the spring we will be hosting the Weekend to Remember\u00ae in dozens of cities and I hope our listeners who wait for their marriage to get near the place where David\u2019s and Allison\u2019s marriage was before they come out and spend a weekend with us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen you go to our website at FamilyLifeToday.com and get information there.\u00a0 Or call 1-800-FL-TODAY and we can answer any questions you might have and get you registered over the phone.\u00a0 We do hope you\u2019ll plan to come out for one of these weekend conferences.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI also want to piggyback on something else that David mentioned.\u00a0 We really believe there is great power when couples get together with other couples and you spend time talking about your marriage and about what the Bible has to say about building a stronger marriage.\u00a0 That\u2019s what our HomeBuilders Couples Series was designed to facilitate.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe\u2019ve just gone through a refresh on a number of these titles.\u00a0\u00a0 You can go to FamilyLifeToday.com for more information on the materials that are available and also information on how to start a HomeBuilders group.\u00a0 It\u2019s easy to do.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to wrap up the week by saying thanks to the folks who help support the ministry of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 In a very real sense this program would not be on the air on this local station if it were not for folks like you who not only listen but from time to time go online to make a donation.\u00a0 We very much appreciate the folks who go that extra step and call in with a donation.\u00a0 You\u2019re support means a lot to us.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis month if you can help with a donation of any amount we\u2019d like to say thank you by sending you a copy of a CD that features a message from Jody and Linda Dillow.\u00a0 They gave this message at a conference we sponsored a few years ago.\u00a0 A message on marital intimacy.\u00a0 They call it <em>The Four Flames of Marriage Intimacy<\/em>.\u00a0 That CD is our thank you gift to you when you support the ministry of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> this month with a donation of any amount.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you are making the donation online type the word \u201cFOUR\u201d in the key code box on the online donation form.\u00a0 If you\u2019re calling to make your donation just mention that you\u2019d like the CD that we were talking about on the radio.\u00a0 We are happy to get it out to you.\u00a0 We do very much appreciate your financial support of the ministry of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe hope you have a great weekend.\u00a0 We hope you and your family are able to worship and we hope you can join us back on Monday when we are going to hear from Dennis about what a couple can do to keep the romantic fireplace roaring even when the wood has gotten a little wet.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI hope you can be with us for that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today Keith Lynch and our entire broadcast production team on behalf of our host Dennis Rainey I\u2019m Bob Lepine.\u00a0 We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHelp for today.\u00a0 Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts for you. However, there is a cost to transcribe, create, and produce them for our website. If you've benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright \u00a9 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>www.FamilyLife.com<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>","theme_header_position":"","post_header_is_sticky":"","is_header_overlay":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast\/301978","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/podcast"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/91"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=301978"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/294104"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=301978"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=301978"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=301978"},{"taxonomy":"podcast_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast_series?post=301978"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=301978"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=301978"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}