{"id":301971,"date":"2010-01-28T12:00:00","date_gmt":"2010-01-28T17:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/becoming-a-safe-parent\/"},"modified":"2010-01-28T12:00:00","modified_gmt":"2010-01-28T17:00:00","slug":"becoming-a-safe-parent","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/becoming-a-safe-parent\/","title":{"rendered":"Becoming a Safe Parent"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Do your kids feel safe telling you their innermost thoughts and feelings?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2010-01-28.mp3","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:","filesize":"10.41M","filesize_raw":"10915367","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2839],"tags":[5102,5101,4330,4390],"podcast_series":[7568],"cwp_profile":[3143],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-301971","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-attitude-problems","tag-honesty","tag-parenting-mistakes","tag-respect","tag-trust","podcast_series-parenting-heart-to-heart","cwp_profile-reb-bradley","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/301971\/becoming-a-safe-parent","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/301971\/becoming-a-safe-parent","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"8gFuVn6SR3\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/becoming-a-safe-parent\/\">Becoming a Safe Parent<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/becoming-a-safe-parent\/embed\/#?secret=8gFuVn6SR3\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Becoming a Safe Parent&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"8gFuVn6SR3\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2010-01-28.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2010-01-28.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u00a0\u2026 individuals, autonomous, and every person, as he grows to adulthood, has to establish his own identity, his own independence, his own sense of self, and you were telling your kids, \"You won't have a sense of identity or self, you'll have the one we prescribe for you, and if you don't, you're in trouble.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Reb:<\/strong>\u00a0 You'll have it within our little circle of reference.\u00a0 In fact, there is more to the story.\u00a0 So here is my son, 20 years old now, we're talking about the tattoo; 20 years old, he was living in Lake Tahoe, he calls me says, \"Dad, I can't make it up here.\u00a0 I really need to come home.\u00a0 I want to live with you guys.\u00a0 I know you're not in town anymore, you moved out to a farm,\" he says, \"I want to come live with you and go to school.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI said, \"That's no problem, son, but, look, you're going to be a pastor's son again at home.\u00a0 You've got to wear sleeves that cover your tattoos\" <strong>\u2013<\/strong> plural \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 So he's got more now.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Reb:<\/strong>\u00a0 You've got to yank the earrings, the things that he had cultivated while he was on his own.\u00a0 I said if you want to come home, I can't have people point at the pastor's son saying, \"Don't be like him.\"\u00a0 He said to me over the phone, \"Okay, never mind, then.\"\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tA few months later, he calls up again, six months later, he says, \"Dad, I really need to come home.\"\u00a0 I said, \"Well, you know the rule.\"\u00a0 He says, \"That's no sweat.\u00a0 The Lord has already dealt with me about the earrings.\u00a0 They're gone, that's not a problem.\"\u00a0 I said, \"Well, come on home.\"\u00a0 I regret that.\u00a0 Because ultimately I was saying, \"I choose my church and what they think of me over my children.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Reb:<\/strong>\u00a0 I looked back for years, that's what was guiding me, is I was trying to please everyone else around me and sacrificing my children, ultimately, who they were.\u00a0 And so if that were to occur now, I would say, \"Come on home, tattoos and all.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I just want to say in response to that, reflecting back on my little encounter by the window with the multiple colors of hair <strong>\u2013<\/strong> that occurred at the end of parenting six teenagers.\u00a0 Had that same incident occurred a decade earlier, I think I might have been <strong>\u2013<\/strong> well, I'd done some of those things like you're talking about, and you can see the hurt in the child's eyes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, one of the questions I wanted to ask you was about your church.\u00a0 Was your church that judgmental?\u00a0 I mean, what's going on there?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, you'd trained them to be that judgmental, didn't you?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Reb:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, I didn't say anything about the church being judgmental, but I mean I don't want to speak against it.\u00a0 There were about 500 of us.\u00a0 We were there because of a common desire for wonderful children.\u00a0 Many of the people were there because of my seminars and my books, and so they would come for this Utopia place where we can have families strengthened and children with strong values and courtship is upheld. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo I felt a great <strong>\u2013<\/strong> probably a lot more pressure than your average pastor because I had been the one who had been leading the charge saying, \"You can have your children be perfect if you just keep doing it right,\" and so here I was, leading the charge, I'm having to look at my adult children not fulfilling the standard that we'd all held.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd that was part of my waking up was realizing that our adult children <strong>\u2013<\/strong> some successfully shaping their children in their adult years, a minority.\u00a0 But, for the most part, children I watched <strong>\u2013<\/strong> even in my own fellowship, grow up and make their own decisions and decide how they are going to respond.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tA dog will salivate at a bell for the rest of its existence because it's not a human, you can train it.\u00a0 But a child, they grow up, and they ultimately decide, \"What am I going to do with all this training I've received?\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I have a friend who was sharing about his daughter coming to him and said, \"Dad, I'm really doubting whether God exists.\"\u00a0 And this dad <strong>\u2013<\/strong> I'm not made of this kind of stuff, because do you know what this dad said?\u00a0 He said, \"Great, sweetie, you've got some doubts.\u00a0 You know what?\u00a0 That's a sign that you're coming to your own convictions and conclusions.\u00a0 Can we talk?\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat did he just do?\u00a0 He created safety for his daughter in the future at other points of doubt to come to him and be able to express those doubts without fear of being reprimanded or saying, \"Oh, you shouldn't think that way.\u00a0 You were raised differently.\"\u00a0 But instead he affirmed her coming to him and expressing her doubts and then, secondly, he reached out to her in a relationship to go get a Coke and say, \"Let's start the dialog.\u00a0 Let's interact with this.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Reb:<\/strong>\u00a0 That's fascinating.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Isn't that cool?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Reb:<\/strong>\u00a0 You've said the key word, though, the word, the optimum word is \"safe.\"\u00a0 And that's what I was not.\u00a0 My wife was not <strong>\u2013<\/strong> for our children.\u00a0 We were not safe.\u00a0 They could not be real, they could not bear their hearts from the time they were young.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThey could not say how they really felt because they'd only be corrected.\u00a0 \"You can't feel that way, you can't think those thoughts, those are bad thoughts, those are spiritually immature thoughts,\" and so we would immediately begin admonishing them <strong>\u2013<\/strong> actually, I did it more than my wife.\u00a0 She is more relational.\u00a0 She's a little more like Mary Poppins, but me?\u00a0 Oh, I was only corrective.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd now, with my children, they open their heart to me, and I listen.\u00a0 And here is what I do.\u00a0 If they have a value I don't like, the value will not change by me correcting the value.\u00a0 Instead, I now create a plan of relationship of time spent, whether ministry or counseling with them in the Word devotions where I try to seek to change their heart, where the value comes from.\u00a0 There's a big difference between, \"You shouldn't like that, what do you mean, you like a girl?\u00a0 That's not safe.\u00a0 You're only 13.\"\u00a0 To, \"Wow, I could see why you like her.\u00a0 She is a neat girl.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, now, that's <strong>\u2013<\/strong> and that's huge for a guy who wrote this book on courtship when a 13-year-old son comes up and goes, \"Dad, I think I like this girl.\"\u00a0 You really have to train your impulses.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 You're going against gravity at points, aren't you?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Reb:<\/strong>\u00a0 Sure, but bottom line is, that's what he likes, or that's what my daughter will like, if she likes a boy.\u00a0 I have to be a safe person because that's where relationship comes from.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 We recently had a guest here on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, Reb, and, unfortunately, we didn't get to mention this verse on the air, but I forget exactly, Bob, how did she quote Exodus 14:14 this is a great verse for parents.\u00a0 Exodus 14:14 <strong>\u2013<\/strong> memorize this verse as a parent.\u00a0 It's not different, all right?\u00a0 I'm going to quote it, first of all, in the New American Standard, and then I'm going to tell you what Eugene Peterson's paraphrase in the message version of that verse is.\u00a0 Exodus 14:14 <strong>\u2013<\/strong> \"The Lord will fight for you while you keep silent.\"\u00a0 And her paraphrase was, \"God will fight for you <strong>\u2013<\/strong> shut up.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd as a parent when your kid shocks you with the tattoo, the nose pierced, the ears and whatever else, you know, let the big deals be big deals and all the rest just keep your mouth shut.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Let me just ask you, because in your book, <em>Parenting Today's Adolescent<\/em>, you encourage parents to say what are our values, what are your values, and then point your kids in the direction of those values.\u00a0 Now you're saying that's still true, but don't necessarily die on every hill.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, in that book, Bob, part of what we talked about is <strong>\u2013<\/strong> the process of parenting is passing your convictions on to your children, but then, as they grow through the 13, 14, 15, on through adolescence, you have to watch them test those convictions of yours and let them fail and succeed and let those convictions become their convictions.\u00a0 That will mean, from time to time, that they are going to develop beliefs and values that will be different than yours.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut the goal of parenting, I think, is to ultimately step back, take your hands off, and watch your children begin to exercise their own faith, their own free will, and their own convictions about what they're going to base their lives on.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 And your adult children have come to some conclusions different than your values, right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 No doubt about it, and \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 And how do you handle that, Dad?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, Exodus 14:14.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Let the Lord fight the battle and shut up, right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, seriously, the parenting job is done.\u00a0 Barbara and I have had to take our hands off the parenting plow.\u00a0 We are no longer plowing in the human heart in the same way we were during the adolescent years.\u00a0 You know what?\u00a0 Sometimes our hands have to be pried off that plow, but it doesn't mean we still can't speak truth, it doesn't mean we still can't, on occasion, if they give us permission, correct.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Now, you haven't lost your influence completely, right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I don't think so.\u00a0 I hope it's growing.\u00a0 But that's really more up to our children than it is to us, I think.\u00a0 The bottom line is our children, I think, have to give you the power to speak truth in love.\u00a0 In fact, as our children have emerged into marriage, we've actually gone to them and said, \"Let's just get this straight, I'm not going to offer advice unless you ask for it; unless you really want to know what the truth is.\"\u00a0 I want to tell you something <strong>\u2013<\/strong> that is really, really hard.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 I wonder how many of the folks who have listened to us today look back at their parenting and think, \"We really have been focusing on the externals and have not been trying to get to the heart issues with our children.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think of the book that our friend Tedd Tripp wrote a number of years ago called <em>Shepherding a Child's Heart<\/em>.\u00a0 It's really a classic book that provides a consistent philosophy of parenting that presses us in the direction of the heart and away from behavior modification, which, as you've said today, really, is what the Pharisees were all about, trying to get people to conform outwardly, and we ought to be concentrating not simply on modifying a child's behavior but on a child's heart attitude and helping shape that heart attitude.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe've got copies of Tedd's book in our FamilyLife Resource Center.\u00a0 Again, it's called <em>Shepherding Your Child's Heart<\/em>.\u00a0 There is also a companion workbook that goes along with it, and there is information about both of those resources on our website at FamilyLifeToday.com.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou can also call us toll free at 1-800-FLTODAY.\u00a0 That's 1-800-358-6329, 1-800 \u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word TODAY, and someone on our team will make arrangements to have the resources you need sent out to you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn each of the cities where <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is heard there are a handful of families who in listening to the program through the years have looked at each other and said we believe enough in what God is doing through the ministry of FamilyLife that we want to support that ministry not with just a onetime donation but on an ongoing basis.\u00a0 We call these folks legacy partners and they make a monthly contribution to the ministry of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOur legacy partners go a long way to help underwrite the production and syndication costs of our daily radio program but in the past year as you might imagine we\u2019ve had a number of those families who have said we can\u2019t keep doing that because of the current economy.\u00a0 They have had to step away from what they had hoped to be able to do.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo as we start 2010 we hope there might be some families who would step forward and become new legacy partners who would join us and agree to make a monthly contribution to support the ministry of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you do that the first thing we do is send you a thank you kit that includes resources designed to help strengthen your marriage and then each month as you fulfill your legacy partner commitment we make available to you additional resources designed to help you or to help you help others.\u00a0 In addition those of you who sign up as legacy partners and make arrangements to have your donation done by bank draft or credit card draft we send you a certificate so that you and your spouse or another couple you know can attend one of our Weekend to Remember\u00ae marriage conferences.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYour support is vital and I want to ask you whether you and your family could become one of those legacy partner families in your community.\u00a0 If you could go online at FamilyLifeToday.com and there is information there about how to become a legacy partner.\u00a0 Or call 1-800-FLTODAY, 1-800-358-6329.\u00a0 We do appreciate your support of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, tomorrow, we are going to be back to talk about the importance of the priority of our relationship with our children as parents.\u00a0 Reb Bradley will be back with us as well.\u00a0 I hope you can join us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team.\u00a0 On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 We'll see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHelp for today.\u00a0 Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts for you. However, there is a cost to transcribe, create, and produce them for our website. If you've benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright \u00a9 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>www.FamilyLife.com<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>"],"_seopress_titles_title":[""],"_seopress_titles_desc":[""],"_seopress_robots_index":[""],"duration":["00:"],"show_notes":[""],"_thumbnail_id":["294104"],"filesize":["10.41M"],"filesize_raw":["10915367"],"_uag_css_file_name":["uag-css-301971.css"],"_uag_js_file_name":["uag-js-301971.js"],"_uag_page_assets":["a:9:{s:3:\"css\";s:82560:\".wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-top svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-top .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: rgba(51,51,51,1);}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-bottom svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f 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your kids feel safe telling you their innermost thoughts and feelings?","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2010-01-28.pdf","transcript_content":"<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u00a0\u2026 individuals, autonomous, and every person, as he grows to adulthood, has to establish his own identity, his own independence, his own sense of self, and you were telling your kids, \"You won't have a sense of identity or self, you'll have the one we prescribe for you, and if you don't, you're in trouble.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Reb:<\/strong>\u00a0 You'll have it within our little circle of reference.\u00a0 In fact, there is more to the story.\u00a0 So here is my son, 20 years old now, we're talking about the tattoo; 20 years old, he was living in Lake Tahoe, he calls me says, \"Dad, I can't make it up here.\u00a0 I really need to come home.\u00a0 I want to live with you guys.\u00a0 I know you're not in town anymore, you moved out to a farm,\" he says, \"I want to come live with you and go to school.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI said, \"That's no problem, son, but, look, you're going to be a pastor's son again at home.\u00a0 You've got to wear sleeves that cover your tattoos\" <strong>\u2013<\/strong> plural \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 So he's got more now.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Reb:<\/strong>\u00a0 You've got to yank the earrings, the things that he had cultivated while he was on his own.\u00a0 I said if you want to come home, I can't have people point at the pastor's son saying, \"Don't be like him.\"\u00a0 He said to me over the phone, \"Okay, never mind, then.\"\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tA few months later, he calls up again, six months later, he says, \"Dad, I really need to come home.\"\u00a0 I said, \"Well, you know the rule.\"\u00a0 He says, \"That's no sweat.\u00a0 The Lord has already dealt with me about the earrings.\u00a0 They're gone, that's not a problem.\"\u00a0 I said, \"Well, come on home.\"\u00a0 I regret that.\u00a0 Because ultimately I was saying, \"I choose my church and what they think of me over my children.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Reb:<\/strong>\u00a0 I looked back for years, that's what was guiding me, is I was trying to please everyone else around me and sacrificing my children, ultimately, who they were.\u00a0 And so if that were to occur now, I would say, \"Come on home, tattoos and all.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I just want to say in response to that, reflecting back on my little encounter by the window with the multiple colors of hair <strong>\u2013<\/strong> that occurred at the end of parenting six teenagers.\u00a0 Had that same incident occurred a decade earlier, I think I might have been <strong>\u2013<\/strong> well, I'd done some of those things like you're talking about, and you can see the hurt in the child's eyes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, one of the questions I wanted to ask you was about your church.\u00a0 Was your church that judgmental?\u00a0 I mean, what's going on there?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, you'd trained them to be that judgmental, didn't you?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Reb:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, I didn't say anything about the church being judgmental, but I mean I don't want to speak against it.\u00a0 There were about 500 of us.\u00a0 We were there because of a common desire for wonderful children.\u00a0 Many of the people were there because of my seminars and my books, and so they would come for this Utopia place where we can have families strengthened and children with strong values and courtship is upheld. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo I felt a great <strong>\u2013<\/strong> probably a lot more pressure than your average pastor because I had been the one who had been leading the charge saying, \"You can have your children be perfect if you just keep doing it right,\" and so here I was, leading the charge, I'm having to look at my adult children not fulfilling the standard that we'd all held.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd that was part of my waking up was realizing that our adult children <strong>\u2013<\/strong> some successfully shaping their children in their adult years, a minority.\u00a0 But, for the most part, children I watched <strong>\u2013<\/strong> even in my own fellowship, grow up and make their own decisions and decide how they are going to respond.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tA dog will salivate at a bell for the rest of its existence because it's not a human, you can train it.\u00a0 But a child, they grow up, and they ultimately decide, \"What am I going to do with all this training I've received?\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I have a friend who was sharing about his daughter coming to him and said, \"Dad, I'm really doubting whether God exists.\"\u00a0 And this dad <strong>\u2013<\/strong> I'm not made of this kind of stuff, because do you know what this dad said?\u00a0 He said, \"Great, sweetie, you've got some doubts.\u00a0 You know what?\u00a0 That's a sign that you're coming to your own convictions and conclusions.\u00a0 Can we talk?\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat did he just do?\u00a0 He created safety for his daughter in the future at other points of doubt to come to him and be able to express those doubts without fear of being reprimanded or saying, \"Oh, you shouldn't think that way.\u00a0 You were raised differently.\"\u00a0 But instead he affirmed her coming to him and expressing her doubts and then, secondly, he reached out to her in a relationship to go get a Coke and say, \"Let's start the dialog.\u00a0 Let's interact with this.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Reb:<\/strong>\u00a0 That's fascinating.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Isn't that cool?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Reb:<\/strong>\u00a0 You've said the key word, though, the word, the optimum word is \"safe.\"\u00a0 And that's what I was not.\u00a0 My wife was not <strong>\u2013<\/strong> for our children.\u00a0 We were not safe.\u00a0 They could not be real, they could not bear their hearts from the time they were young.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThey could not say how they really felt because they'd only be corrected.\u00a0 \"You can't feel that way, you can't think those thoughts, those are bad thoughts, those are spiritually immature thoughts,\" and so we would immediately begin admonishing them <strong>\u2013<\/strong> actually, I did it more than my wife.\u00a0 She is more relational.\u00a0 She's a little more like Mary Poppins, but me?\u00a0 Oh, I was only corrective.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd now, with my children, they open their heart to me, and I listen.\u00a0 And here is what I do.\u00a0 If they have a value I don't like, the value will not change by me correcting the value.\u00a0 Instead, I now create a plan of relationship of time spent, whether ministry or counseling with them in the Word devotions where I try to seek to change their heart, where the value comes from.\u00a0 There's a big difference between, \"You shouldn't like that, what do you mean, you like a girl?\u00a0 That's not safe.\u00a0 You're only 13.\"\u00a0 To, \"Wow, I could see why you like her.\u00a0 She is a neat girl.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, now, that's <strong>\u2013<\/strong> and that's huge for a guy who wrote this book on courtship when a 13-year-old son comes up and goes, \"Dad, I think I like this girl.\"\u00a0 You really have to train your impulses.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 You're going against gravity at points, aren't you?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Reb:<\/strong>\u00a0 Sure, but bottom line is, that's what he likes, or that's what my daughter will like, if she likes a boy.\u00a0 I have to be a safe person because that's where relationship comes from.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 We recently had a guest here on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, Reb, and, unfortunately, we didn't get to mention this verse on the air, but I forget exactly, Bob, how did she quote Exodus 14:14 this is a great verse for parents.\u00a0 Exodus 14:14 <strong>\u2013<\/strong> memorize this verse as a parent.\u00a0 It's not different, all right?\u00a0 I'm going to quote it, first of all, in the New American Standard, and then I'm going to tell you what Eugene Peterson's paraphrase in the message version of that verse is.\u00a0 Exodus 14:14 <strong>\u2013<\/strong> \"The Lord will fight for you while you keep silent.\"\u00a0 And her paraphrase was, \"God will fight for you <strong>\u2013<\/strong> shut up.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd as a parent when your kid shocks you with the tattoo, the nose pierced, the ears and whatever else, you know, let the big deals be big deals and all the rest just keep your mouth shut.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Let me just ask you, because in your book, <em>Parenting Today's Adolescent<\/em>, you encourage parents to say what are our values, what are your values, and then point your kids in the direction of those values.\u00a0 Now you're saying that's still true, but don't necessarily die on every hill.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, in that book, Bob, part of what we talked about is <strong>\u2013<\/strong> the process of parenting is passing your convictions on to your children, but then, as they grow through the 13, 14, 15, on through adolescence, you have to watch them test those convictions of yours and let them fail and succeed and let those convictions become their convictions.\u00a0 That will mean, from time to time, that they are going to develop beliefs and values that will be different than yours.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut the goal of parenting, I think, is to ultimately step back, take your hands off, and watch your children begin to exercise their own faith, their own free will, and their own convictions about what they're going to base their lives on.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 And your adult children have come to some conclusions different than your values, right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 No doubt about it, and \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 And how do you handle that, Dad?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, Exodus 14:14.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Let the Lord fight the battle and shut up, right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, seriously, the parenting job is done.\u00a0 Barbara and I have had to take our hands off the parenting plow.\u00a0 We are no longer plowing in the human heart in the same way we were during the adolescent years.\u00a0 You know what?\u00a0 Sometimes our hands have to be pried off that plow, but it doesn't mean we still can't speak truth, it doesn't mean we still can't, on occasion, if they give us permission, correct.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Now, you haven't lost your influence completely, right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I don't think so.\u00a0 I hope it's growing.\u00a0 But that's really more up to our children than it is to us, I think.\u00a0 The bottom line is our children, I think, have to give you the power to speak truth in love.\u00a0 In fact, as our children have emerged into marriage, we've actually gone to them and said, \"Let's just get this straight, I'm not going to offer advice unless you ask for it; unless you really want to know what the truth is.\"\u00a0 I want to tell you something <strong>\u2013<\/strong> that is really, really hard.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 I wonder how many of the folks who have listened to us today look back at their parenting and think, \"We really have been focusing on the externals and have not been trying to get to the heart issues with our children.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think of the book that our friend Tedd Tripp wrote a number of years ago called <em>Shepherding a Child's Heart<\/em>.\u00a0 It's really a classic book that provides a consistent philosophy of parenting that presses us in the direction of the heart and away from behavior modification, which, as you've said today, really, is what the Pharisees were all about, trying to get people to conform outwardly, and we ought to be concentrating not simply on modifying a child's behavior but on a child's heart attitude and helping shape that heart attitude.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe've got copies of Tedd's book in our FamilyLife Resource Center.\u00a0 Again, it's called <em>Shepherding Your Child's Heart<\/em>.\u00a0 There is also a companion workbook that goes along with it, and there is information about both of those resources on our website at FamilyLifeToday.com.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou can also call us toll free at 1-800-FLTODAY.\u00a0 That's 1-800-358-6329, 1-800 \u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word TODAY, and someone on our team will make arrangements to have the resources you need sent out to you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn each of the cities where <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is heard there are a handful of families who in listening to the program through the years have looked at each other and said we believe enough in what God is doing through the ministry of FamilyLife that we want to support that ministry not with just a onetime donation but on an ongoing basis.\u00a0 We call these folks legacy partners and they make a monthly contribution to the ministry of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOur legacy partners go a long way to help underwrite the production and syndication costs of our daily radio program but in the past year as you might imagine we\u2019ve had a number of those families who have said we can\u2019t keep doing that because of the current economy.\u00a0 They have had to step away from what they had hoped to be able to do.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo as we start 2010 we hope there might be some families who would step forward and become new legacy partners who would join us and agree to make a monthly contribution to support the ministry of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you do that the first thing we do is send you a thank you kit that includes resources designed to help strengthen your marriage and then each month as you fulfill your legacy partner commitment we make available to you additional resources designed to help you or to help you help others.\u00a0 In addition those of you who sign up as legacy partners and make arrangements to have your donation done by bank draft or credit card draft we send you a certificate so that you and your spouse or another couple you know can attend one of our Weekend to Remember\u00ae marriage conferences.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYour support is vital and I want to ask you whether you and your family could become one of those legacy partner families in your community.\u00a0 If you could go online at FamilyLifeToday.com and there is information there about how to become a legacy partner.\u00a0 Or call 1-800-FLTODAY, 1-800-358-6329.\u00a0 We do appreciate your support of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, tomorrow, we are going to be back to talk about the importance of the priority of our relationship with our children as parents.\u00a0 Reb Bradley will be back with us as well.\u00a0 I hope you can join us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team.\u00a0 On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 We'll see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHelp for today.\u00a0 Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts for you. However, there is a cost to transcribe, create, and produce them for our website. If you've benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright \u00a9 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>www.FamilyLife.com<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>","theme_header_position":"","post_header_is_sticky":"","is_header_overlay":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast\/301971","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/podcast"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/91"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=301971"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/294104"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=301971"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=301971"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=301971"},{"taxonomy":"podcast_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast_series?post=301971"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=301971"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=301971"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}