{"id":301970,"date":"2010-01-27T12:00:00","date_gmt":"2010-01-27T17:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/winning-the-hearts-of-your-kids\/"},"modified":"2010-01-27T12:00:00","modified_gmt":"2010-01-27T17:00:00","slug":"winning-the-hearts-of-your-kids","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/winning-the-hearts-of-your-kids\/","title":{"rendered":"Winning the Hearts of Your Kids"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>You&#8217;ve heard it said that children aren&#8217;t robots, yet we&#8217;re always amazed when our kids break away from our family&#8217;s norm.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2010-01-27.mp3","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:","filesize":"11.19M","filesize_raw":"11731490","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2841],"tags":[5100,2209],"podcast_series":[7568],"cwp_profile":[3143],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-301970","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-anger-and-rebellion","tag-child-rearing-methods","tag-parenting","podcast_series-parenting-heart-to-heart","cwp_profile-reb-bradley","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/301970\/winning-the-hearts-of-your-kids","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/301970\/winning-the-hearts-of-your-kids","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"7B4QkmcSv5\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/winning-the-hearts-of-your-kids\/\">Winning the Hearts of Your Kids<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/winning-the-hearts-of-your-kids\/embed\/#?secret=7B4QkmcSv5\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Winning the Hearts of Your Kids&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"7B4QkmcSv5\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2010-01-27.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2010-01-27.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Reb:<\/strong>\u00a0 I had this picture of children who would grow up at home and go through this carefully orchestrated courtship process and one day be married, and he messed it all up, and I was greatly disappointed with him for ruining my dream.\u00a0 Now I see the problem was my dreams for him were really about me.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Wednesday, January 27<sup>th<\/sup>.\u00a0\u00a0 Our host is the President of FamilyLife, Dennis Rainey, and I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0\u00a0 Today Pastor and author Reb Bradley shares what he would do differently if he could do his parenting all over again.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, thanks for joining us on the Wednesday edition.\u00a0 I think today\u2019s program is going to be a challenging one for parents as we pull back and look at how we are doing and what we are doing.\u00a0 We may need to make some adjustments in our parenting but before we dive into that we have been encouraging family\u2019s to make some adjustments in their scheduling in 2010 by spending some time in God\u2019s word as a couple or as a family.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 We\u2019ve tried to show how simple it is here by reading a single verse and talking about it a bit.\u00a0 How you might interact around the passage as a couple.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 We\u2019ve been taking a verse out of your book <em>Moments With You<\/em> because you begin each of your daily devotionals with a scripture before you and Barbara write the devotional.\u00a0\u00a0 So on the 27<sup>th<\/sup> of January what is the verse you have?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Jeremiah 7:3 says; thus says the Lord of hosts, the God of Israel.\u00a0 Amend your ways and your deeds and I will let you dwell in this place.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis is a statement by God to a group of people whose hearts had been hardened toward the Lord by their disobedience.\u00a0 I think it\u2019s a great passage to talk about as a couple or as a family.\u00a0 Ask have we allowed anything to seep into our relationship with Christ or in our marriage where we are being disobedient to God?\u00a0 Where we need to amend our ways or as the Bible would also exhort us to repent.\u00a0 Turn from what you are doing and deal with it.\u00a0 As a result I will let you dwell in peace.\u00a0 I\u2019ll let you enjoy the fruit of the Holy Spirit in your lives, marriage and in your family.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 So you are encouraging couples to do a little inventory and say where do we need to do some amending today?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\u00a0 Maybe it\u2019s in the way you argue or speak to each other.\u00a0 Perhaps for the men it is how you lead your wife or how you don\u2019t lead your wife and your family spiritually.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 If you have kids it may be how you are parenting them which ties in to what we are going to hear about today on the program.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Or it may be how your kids are responding to you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 That\u2019s right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 They may be\u2026well, they may have a problem with their tudes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t(laughter)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThey may have a little disrespect going on here.\u00a0 This is what the scripture is talking about.\u00a0 Amend your ways and your deeds and I will let you dwell in this place.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Again if our listeners are interested in reading the daily devotional that you and Barbara wrote related to that passage of scripture they can sign up to receive the <em>Moments With You<\/em> devotional via e-mail by going to FamilyLife Today.com or they can order a copy of the book and have it available in their homes.\u00a0 Again you can get information at our website as well. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow we want to move on the subject of parenting and I\u2019m going to start off by referring to something that I\u2019ve heard you say over and over and over and over again.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I've repeated myself.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 You have said children are not robots; that you can't type in the program and get the response out that you're looking for as parents.\u00a0 And yet our parenting does influence the lives of our children.\u00a0 So how do we separate the tension between the fact that we do have influence, and we're designed to influence, but we can't influence in a determinative way?\u00a0 What do we do with that, as parents?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, I think we assume our responsibility that God has given us, and then we leave the results to God.\u00a0 We perform our duty in the power of the Holy Spirit according to the Scriptures, and we allow God to ultimately move all the things we attempt to teach from the head to the heart.\u00a0 For Him to make the 18-inch pathway down to the heart, and He has ways to do it that we don't, and we need to let Him do it and not take His place in our children's lives.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 It is easy for parents to fall into the way of thinking, though, that if I do these things \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 A + B will certainly equal C, and it doesn't happen that way.\u00a0 We have a guest today on our broadcast who agrees with us.\u00a0 Reb Bradley joins us on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 Reb welcome all the way across the country to our broadcast <strong>\u2013<\/strong> all the way from Sacramento.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Reb:<\/strong>\u00a0 It's wonderful to be here.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Reb is a former pastor.\u00a0 In fact, he was in the pastorate for more than 25 years; had his own radio talk show.\u00a0 He and his wife, Beverly, have six children and, Reb, I wrote down, as a way to introduce you, I think you'll like this, I said, \"He is a reformed home-school advocate,\" right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Reb:<\/strong>\u00a0 Now, that could confuse some people.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 That could.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Reb:<\/strong>\u00a0 Theologically?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yeah, sure.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Reb:<\/strong> Or just reformed in homeschooling.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Actually, you really are for homeschooling, but there have been some lights go on in your life where you've uncovered some things where you feel like homeschoolers and home school parents need to be challenged, right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Reb:<\/strong>\u00a0 Absolutely.\u00a0 Well, you know, my first book was called <em>Child Training Tips<\/em>:\u00a0 <em>What I Wish I Knew When My Children Were Young<\/em>, but the subtitle is the key. <strong>\u00a0<\/strong><em>What I Wish I Knew When My Children Were Young<\/em> that was my first book.\u00a0 You see, I'm not one of those guys who does everything right.\u00a0 I make mistakes.\u00a0 I document them.\u00a0 It's like I fall in a hole, the Lord shows me the way out and I document the nature of the hole and how to avoid it and documenting and helping.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 But what you're really putting your finger on is much broader than some mistake homeschoolers make parents who teach their children at home.\u00a0 This is a trap that any parent can call into, and that's putting their hope and their methods and in all the prescribed equation of A + B =C, as we were talking about earlier.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Reb:<\/strong>\u00a0 Absolutely.\u00a0 Parents in this age <strong>\u2013<\/strong> I mean, Christian parents want their children to turn out great who doesn't?\u00a0 The problem is that when you've dedicated your life <strong>\u2013<\/strong> maybe you're a mom, you've given up your career; you've set aside your life and time.\u00a0 That means you've made incredible sacrifice.\u00a0 You expect that there is going to be fruit of it, and then you think of the text in Proverbs that says, \"Train up a child the way he should go and when he's old, he won't depart from it,\" so you're thinking, \"Okay, I'm giving myself to the training.\u00a0 I can be guaranteed this outcome.\"\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd then you fall into studying the books, listening to the tapes, going to conferences saying, \"What are all the things I must do to ensure that my kids are going to turn out right?\"\u00a0 So you become, how could I say, \"process-oriented, ingredient-oriented,\" and you lose the relationship with the kids along the way, but the problem is a preoccupation with the ultimate goal, which is perfect kids.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Were you a process-oriented parent?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Reb:<\/strong>\u00a0 Oh, I was incredibly a process-oriented parent.\u00a0 I was always listening to tapes.\u00a0 I wrote my own book years ago, and yet people would see me at other people's conferences and say, \"Why are you here?\"\u00a0 And I'd say \"I never can learn enough,\" because I wanted more ingredients if I had blind spots, but I was preoccupied with ingredients.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMy wife and I would learn something new, we'd come home and say, \"All right, kids, things are different now,\" and then we would change the thing.\u00a0 It didn't matter what their response was.\u00a0 They became, if you will, non-human.\u00a0 Their response was insignificant to us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Back to the robot deal?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Reb:<\/strong>\u00a0 It was.\u00a0 We were treating our children almost as if they were robots.\u00a0 \"We're going to foist a process upon you,\" and, in fact, they were like inanimate objects, like chemicals a scientist might mix in a lab.\u00a0 \"We'll mix these ingredients together, and then when it all comes out\" <strong>\u2013<\/strong> in fact, I thought of it this way. <strong>\u00a0<\/strong>We'll mix these ingredients together, we'll do homeschooling, intense sheltering, great control, and we'll mix it all into this bowl and set the timer.\u00a0 When you're 18, ding, the timer is going to go off.\u00a0 We'll have perfect angel food kids.\u00a0 And I've seen thousands now, of parents, just like me.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 You know, that's a recipe, but that's a recipe for something different.\u00a0 There is what's called \"devil's food\" cake.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Reb:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 When children are over-controlled by parents who want to make them look good, well, I'm reminded, and this is mixing our metaphors here from our cake recipes, but I'm reminded of the great theologian, Erma Bombeck, who said, \"If you want a guarantee in life, buy a Sears die-hard battery.\"\u00a0 If you want to have kids, though, there are no guarantees, and it defies all the formulas, doesn't it?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, what do we do with passages in Proverbs, though, that say \"if you train up a child in the way he should go, when he is old, he will not depart from it?\"\u00a0 Do we scratch that from our Bible and say that's not true?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Reb:<\/strong>\u00a0 Oh, no.\u00a0 I had to come to an awakening of what God meant by that, but I actually heard a preacher on the radio say something to the effect that Proverbs is full not so much of promises but of statements of wisdom of general outcomes.\u00a0 He went through multiple texts and showed how each one was really a general statement.\u00a0 We interpret them as an exact promise, and his point was, as Solomon put that text in there, that, generally speaking, you can expect that when you devote yourself to your children, they will stay with the faith, and even if they have a time of rebellion, they'll come back, they will return, generally speaking, it's a wise statement <strong>\u2013<\/strong> that should be the general outcome.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut for an individual to think that the child will never have a time of rebellion, that's what God meant by that statement, I think, is a great mistake.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 If somebody picked up a copy of your book, <em>What I Wish I Knew When My Children Were Young<\/em> today, would you tell them, \"Read this book.\u00a0 It's a good book.\u00a0 It will help you as a parent,\" or would you say, \"No, wait until I get the revised edition out before you read this.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Reb:<\/strong>\u00a0 What I tell people is this <strong>\u2013<\/strong> that book is about shaping and influencing behavior.\u00a0 Some of my newer teachings are about influencing hearts.\u00a0 Because, you see, many people read that book, and they are helped immeasurably.\u00a0 But if you have an imbalance in your heart, that's where the problem comes in.\u00a0 If you tend to be drill sergeant and formulaic-driven <strong>\u2013<\/strong> I'm going to do these things and if I just follow these biblical prescriptions Reb has recorded here, then I'll be assured of an outcome.\u00a0 That's where you get in trouble.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Reb, I want to ask you a very personal question at this point, and you may not be able to answer it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Reb:<\/strong>\u00a0 All right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Because of the public nature of radio.\u00a0 Was there something that occurred among your six children where ultimately you realized where your hope was being placed?\u00a0 In other words, was there a wake-up call through the behavior and lives of one of your children or more than one of them that ultimately got your attention?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Reb:<\/strong>\u00a0 Absolutely.\u00a0 My oldest son, who is 27 now, he's a cop, upstanding guy, been married for about five years, but when he was around 17 I was stunned to see he wasn't cooperating with the mold.\u00a0 I was stunned to see that I didn't have the control I had.\u00a0 He was an individual.\u00a0 By the time he was 18, I actually had to have him leave my home.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 So you kicked him out?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Reb:<\/strong>\u00a0 I kicked him out.\u00a0 He was out of our home for four months.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 For what?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Reb:<\/strong>\u00a0 For speaking disrespectfully.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 What did he say to you?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Reb:<\/strong>\u00a0 He would say, \"But, Dad,\" and he would start talking back.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 And so you jerked his chain and put him on the street?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Reb:<\/strong>\u00a0 I gave him three weeks.\u00a0 I said, \"Son, you must correct this.\u201d\u00a0 You must say, \"Dad, can we speak,\" instead of just start talking back.\u00a0 You're modeling bad things for the little ones.\u00a0 So that was what was going on in our home.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 On the day you kicked him out \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Reb:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 What did he say to you that time and what exactly did you say to him and what happened?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Reb:<\/strong>\u00a0 You know, I don't remember the exact words that came down.\u00a0 I just saw that after a few weeks, he was not motivated to change.\u00a0 And so I said, \"All right, son, we're getting your stuff, we're going to put it on the front porch,\" and he started weeping.\u00a0 He started pleading with me, \"No, please,\" but I'd given him three weeks.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo I said, \"You can call a buddy and come pick you up, whatever you want, but you cannot live here.\u00a0 I gave you three weeks to change this.\"\u00a0 It was dramatic.\u00a0 My wife and I wept for an hour probably every day for the next month.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt was just heartbreaking for us mostly because we were so intensely committed to shaping him, protecting him from movies, now we're realizing that here he was, exposed to all the junk we tried to shelter him from, and he finally rented a room.\u00a0 He slept on people's floors, he rented a room \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Did he have any wheels?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Reb:<\/strong>\u00a0 He did have a little car my parents had actually given him just weeks before this whole thing occurred.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 So here he is, alone on his own, has wheels, no parental control \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Reb:<\/strong>\u00a0 The first thing he did was go buy himself a video player from the pawn shop, a video player\/TV combination to watch the movies we forbade him from watching all those years, and he started doing all the things we'd prohibited him from.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut after four months, we saw him again.\u00a0 I actually took a sabbatical after that.\u00a0 I went away for several months to a cabin at Lake Tahoe.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 You were a pastor at the time?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Reb: <\/strong>\u00a0I was a pastor, and I went away on a sabbatical and just take some time off with the family, and we invited him up.\u00a0 He visited us, and that weekend his heart was renewed with the Lord with us.\u00a0 We were restored, and so rather than move with us, he said, \"You know what?\u00a0 I developed bad friends while I was away.\u00a0 I don't want to go back home, if it's okay.\"\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo we arranged another place for him to live up at Lake Tahoe for the church we'd connected with up there.\u00a0 So he was away for a year, and then he came back and eventually got married, and that was my introduction to this whole experience that children are beyond the control of parents.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 You made a statement to him in the midst of that when he was speaking disrespectfully that later you reflected on that unearthed wrong thinking in your own heart, right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Reb:<\/strong>\u00a0 I looked at him at one point and said, \"Son, you've ruined my dreams.\"\u00a0 As I look back on it, I realize what I was saying was I had dreams that you, someone outside myself, were going to fulfill.\u00a0 Now I see the problem was my dreams for him were really about me.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI had this picture of children who would grow up at home and go through this carefully orchestrated courtship process and one day be married, and he messed it all up, and I was greatly disappointed with him for ruining my dream.\u00a0 I didn't even know we had a broken relationship.\u00a0 I since realize that even when children go their own way, it's not nature.\u00a0 There is a broken relationship at the time; I just thought I had a rebellious son.\u00a0 It never occurred to me that rebellion is partly because of a broken relationship.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 But what if you can't repair the relationship?\u00a0 There are parents who have pursued their children repeatedly throughout the teenage years, and the child refuses to love back.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Reb:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, you have to keep a standard for your home.\u00a0 You have to say, \"Here are the rules for our home, and if you cannot keep them, you cannot live here.\" \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 So if you had it to do all over again, back to that day when you asked him to leave your home.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Reb:<\/strong>\u00a0 Now that I understand relationship, I would have sat down for some really heart-to-heart talk to him.\u00a0 The kinds I've had since he's gone.\u00a0 I've gone out with each of my adult children now that my eyes have been opened, and had luncheon appointments with them, and coffees with them.\u00a0 Each time I'd discover something new, I'd go meet with one of my adult children and say, \"Here is what God has shown me, and here is what I wish I'd done in my parenting, and I realize I didn't do with you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 As you look back, you'd say the fundamental thing that you let slide was the cultivation of a relationship with your children.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Reb:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, we had so much affection in our home <strong>\u2013<\/strong> even my adult son, to this day, he's six-five, about 350 pounds, a huge guy; makes a very dangerous cop, but I could sit across the table from him \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tReally, everybody <strong>\u2013<\/strong> he never cuffs anybody, he says, \"Put these cuffs on.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I'm going to watch my speed when I go through town, I promise you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Reb:<\/strong>\u00a0 He's a very sweet guy.\u00a0 But I can reach over and put my hand on his hand while we talk, and he doesn't even think about it.\u00a0 There is so much touching, warmth, and affection, still to this day.\u00a0 So we had all this affection and I thought that meant having their hearts.\u00a0 I didn't know there a difference between just having affection and actually having your children's hearts.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo I looked back <strong>\u2013<\/strong> if I were to do it again <strong>\u2013<\/strong> back to your original question, I would make<strong>\u2013<\/strong> spend some time with him to repair the broken relationship, because he had given up trying to please us years earlier, and I see that now.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Now, you're going to explain this to me, because you're saying there was a lot of affection in the home, but there weren't good relationships.\u00a0 You typically think if there's a lot of affection, there has to be good relationship, doesn't there?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Reb:<\/strong>\u00a0 You would think that.\u00a0 At our home, though, there was warmth, there was touching, there was hugging, but bottom line is that was not the dominant force in the home.\u00a0 It was my wife's and my authority and intimidation.\u00a0 My children had learned to obey chiefly out of fear of consequence.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Give me an illustration of your authority and intimidation, because I\u2019m looking across the table, I can kind of picture it <strong>\u2013<\/strong> I'm sorry, Reb, I know you're a reformed home school advocate.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 We think you could be a cop, too.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 You wouldn't want to be pulled over by Reb, either, folks.\u00a0 But, seriously, what's an illustration of how you would be intimidating or controlling as a dad?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Reb:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0 Here it is.\u00a0 This actually happened. <strong>\u00a0<\/strong><strong>Y<\/strong>ears ago, my wife and I looked at our older children when they were young, and we said this <strong>\u2013<\/strong> I said, \"Kids, your mom and I have to work on a project all through the night, and we're going to be up late.\u00a0 So in the morning, you don't dare wake us up.\"\u00a0 In other words, we relied on threat of consequence <strong>\u2013<\/strong> \"Don't you dare wake us up.\u00a0 You get a video, you watch a family parent-approved video, and you go out there, and you watch it until you see us, but don't make any noise.\u00a0 Do I make myself clear?\"\u00a0 So this was <strong>\u2013<\/strong> my manner was to threat of consequence.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Clint Eastwood parenting, huh?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Reb:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0 Make my day.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Was that what it was like, seriously?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Reb:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, it was just simply always \"here is the consequence.\"\u00a0 And consequences were the chief motivator.\u00a0 Whereas now, my younger three, who I have cultivated relationship with, who presently are 16, 13, and 12, but when they were younger even, we understood relationship.\u00a0 So it would be like this <strong>\u2013<\/strong> \"Kids, your mom and I have to work through the night.\u00a0 We need our rest.\u00a0 Be ask quiet as possible in the morning,\" and we'd tell them what to do. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut we wouldn't have the threat of consequence.\u00a0 We'd look at them in their eyes based on relationship.\u00a0 And so with our older kids, our threats wouldn't work, and the next morning they'd forgotten the threat, and they would wake us up with fussing and making noise.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, our younger ones, we've made this appeal out of love, well, they still wake us up.\u00a0 They wake us up doing this <strong>\u2013<\/strong> \"Quiet! Don't wake up Mom and Dad!\" so they're all motivated.\u00a0 I said don't wake up Mom and Dad!\u00a0 So they're motivated to, they want to keep us asleep.\u00a0 So that's the difference.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tA threat and intimidation style of parenting only knows, \"here is the consequence.\"\u00a0 When you have relationship, you can look at them in love and say, \"But you love me.\u00a0 I love you.\u00a0 I expect this of you,\" and they, in their hearts say, \"Yes, that's right.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 As I hear you tell that story, I think there are parents who would say, \"We have got to help our children understand respect for authority and obedience, and this is key to our child training.\"\u00a0 And if they do that without the context of love and relationship, they are fostering rebellion in the heart of a child, aren't they?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Reb:<\/strong>\u00a0 Often.\u00a0 In our home, we only knew consequence, and I say it this way <strong>\u2013<\/strong> my wife and I had intimated our children into subjection but failed to within their hearts into submission.\u00a0 We had intimidated them into subjection.\u00a0 They would not cross us.\u00a0 It was, \"Yes, Mom,\" \"Yes, Dad,\" they did everything we said.\u00a0 By the time they were teenagers, we had no idea their hearts were far from us, because outwardly it was always compliance and obedience.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I'm reminded of the story of the little boy whose parents told him to sit down three times.\u00a0 Have you heard this story?\u00a0 And, finally, the father pushed him down in the chair, and he looked back up at him and said, \"I may be sitting down on the outside, but I'm standing up on the inside.\"\u00a0 And that's what you're saying was occurring with your kids.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Reb:<\/strong>\u00a0 Except for my children would sit down, and they wouldn't say that.\u00a0 They would sit down because they were intimidated to do anything else, but in their hearts they were standing up, they just wouldn't hint it verbally outwardly.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 And they were planning for the day when <strong>\u2013<\/strong> again, not consciously, but in the back of their mind they were thinking, \"Someday, I'll be able to stand up if I want to, and on that day, I will do what I want to do.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Reb:<\/strong>\u00a0 Exactly.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 \"I'm going to go buy a video <strong>\u2013<\/strong> a recorder and TV and go watch all the movies that Dad and Mom won't let me watch.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 The very fact that that's kind of the first thing, once your son is kicked out of the home is an indicator that he's saying, \"I'm going to call the shots one day.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Reb:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, that was my son.\u00a0 My next child, my daughter, didn't feel quite so strongly.\u00a0 We had her heart by the time she was probably 17.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Although when it came to the area of courtship, which is something that you have taught on, written books on, you had your vision of what her courtship experience would be like, and it wasn't exactly your experience.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Reb:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, it was pretty close.\u00a0 It was my two sons who had their own versions.\u00a0 That's a whole other show.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, that's what I was wondering.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Maybe we'll open that can of worms \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I'll think we'll pull the can opener out maybe on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> another day.\u00a0 But you know what you're talking about, Reb, is not just in the home school movement.\u00a0 This can be among parents who are churchgoing people who think that outward conformity is the goal of Christian parenting.\u00a0 I like the way you've put it.\u00a0 In fact, I like the wording, you said, \"I have to win my child's heart,\" and it's the picture of God's pursuit of His children.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat is this Book?\u00a0 From Genesis to Revelation the story of the hound of heaven chasing down his pups.\u00a0 And I\u2019m one of them.\u00a0 That's how He got me.\u00a0 His love turned my life around and, for a number of years I rejected Christianity or a form of Christianity because it looked like rules, regulations, and consequences <strong>\u2013<\/strong> the very thing you're talking about, Reb.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut it was the relationship that I finally understood from the Book of Romans that God in heaven loved me, and He died for me.\u00a0 And He pursues me in His Resurrection love.\u00a0 He pursues a relationship with me desperately, and it was that love that turned my life around, and that's what you're saying we need to do as parents with our kids <strong>\u2013<\/strong> our hearts need to be connected to our kids.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And I think we've got to recognize that their hearts are our target as parents.\u00a0 We don't simply want to try to get the outward conformity, the obedience on the outside without touching their heart.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI'm thinking of the book that our friend, Tedd Tripp, has written, the excellent book, <em>Shepherding a Child's Heart<\/em>, which, by the way, has been revised and updated, and there is now a parenting handbook that goes along with it.\u00a0 We've got both of these resources in our FamilyLife Resource Center, and I think if there was one book that I would point parents to that kind of provides this over-arching parenting philosophy that we've been talking about today, it's Tedd's book.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAgain, it's called <em>Shepherding a Child's Heart<\/em>.\u00a0 There is information about both the book and the parenting handbook in our FamilyLife Resource Center.\u00a0 You can go to our website at FamilyLifeToday.com and get more information about these resources.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou can also call 1-800-FLTODAY, that\u2019s 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life and then the word TODAY and someone on our team can get you information on how you can have the resources you need sent out to you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to take a minute today before we are done and say a special word of thanks to those of you who help support the ministry of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> especially those of you who are legacy partners.\u00a0 In each of the cities where <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is heard there are handful and we would hope that handful might grow into a couple of fists full of families who help support the ministry by making a monthly contribution to the ministry of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThey become legacy partners and when you sign on to do that we send you a welcome kit that has resources to help strengthen your marriage and family.\u00a0 Throughout the year as you make donations to help support the ministry we continue to provide you with updated resources that we think are going to strengthen you in your relationships.\u00a0 Or resources you can pass on to others you know who might be struggling with a particular issue.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you sign up to become a legacy partner and you allow us to receive your donation through a monthly credit card or check draft we are going to send you as a thank you gift we are going to send you a certificate for you and your spouse or friends of yours to attend an upcoming Weekend to Remember\u00ae Marriage Conference.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFind out more about want it means to be a legacy partner by going online at FamilyLifeToday.com or simply call 1-800-FL-TODAY.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow tomorrow we are going to continue talking about the issue of parenting and getting to the heart of your child.\u00a0 We\u2019re going to find out how Reb Bradley responded the day his son came home with a tattoo.\u00a0 I hope you can join us for that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team.\u00a0 On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 We'll see you back tomorrow for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHelp for today.\u00a0 Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts for you. However, there is a cost to transcribe, create, and produce them for our website. If you've benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright \u00a9 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>www.FamilyLife.com<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>"],"_seopress_titles_title":[""],"_seopress_titles_desc":[""],"_seopress_robots_index":[""],"duration":["00:"],"show_notes":[""],"_thumbnail_id":["294104"],"filesize":["11.19M"],"filesize_raw":["11731490"],"_uag_css_file_name":["uag-css-301970.css"],"_uag_js_file_name":["uag-js-301970.js"],"_uag_page_assets":["a:9:{s:3:\"css\";s:82560:\".wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-top svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-top .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: rgba(51,51,51,1);}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-bottom svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f 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heard it said that children aren't robots, yet we're always amazed when our kids break away from our family's norm.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2010-01-27.pdf","transcript_content":"<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Reb:<\/strong>\u00a0 I had this picture of children who would grow up at home and go through this carefully orchestrated courtship process and one day be married, and he messed it all up, and I was greatly disappointed with him for ruining my dream.\u00a0 Now I see the problem was my dreams for him were really about me.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Wednesday, January 27<sup>th<\/sup>.\u00a0\u00a0 Our host is the President of FamilyLife, Dennis Rainey, and I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0\u00a0 Today Pastor and author Reb Bradley shares what he would do differently if he could do his parenting all over again.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, thanks for joining us on the Wednesday edition.\u00a0 I think today\u2019s program is going to be a challenging one for parents as we pull back and look at how we are doing and what we are doing.\u00a0 We may need to make some adjustments in our parenting but before we dive into that we have been encouraging family\u2019s to make some adjustments in their scheduling in 2010 by spending some time in God\u2019s word as a couple or as a family.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 We\u2019ve tried to show how simple it is here by reading a single verse and talking about it a bit.\u00a0 How you might interact around the passage as a couple.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 We\u2019ve been taking a verse out of your book <em>Moments With You<\/em> because you begin each of your daily devotionals with a scripture before you and Barbara write the devotional.\u00a0\u00a0 So on the 27<sup>th<\/sup> of January what is the verse you have?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Jeremiah 7:3 says; thus says the Lord of hosts, the God of Israel.\u00a0 Amend your ways and your deeds and I will let you dwell in this place.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis is a statement by God to a group of people whose hearts had been hardened toward the Lord by their disobedience.\u00a0 I think it\u2019s a great passage to talk about as a couple or as a family.\u00a0 Ask have we allowed anything to seep into our relationship with Christ or in our marriage where we are being disobedient to God?\u00a0 Where we need to amend our ways or as the Bible would also exhort us to repent.\u00a0 Turn from what you are doing and deal with it.\u00a0 As a result I will let you dwell in peace.\u00a0 I\u2019ll let you enjoy the fruit of the Holy Spirit in your lives, marriage and in your family.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 So you are encouraging couples to do a little inventory and say where do we need to do some amending today?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\u00a0 Maybe it\u2019s in the way you argue or speak to each other.\u00a0 Perhaps for the men it is how you lead your wife or how you don\u2019t lead your wife and your family spiritually.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 If you have kids it may be how you are parenting them which ties in to what we are going to hear about today on the program.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Or it may be how your kids are responding to you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 That\u2019s right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 They may be\u2026well, they may have a problem with their tudes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t(laughter)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThey may have a little disrespect going on here.\u00a0 This is what the scripture is talking about.\u00a0 Amend your ways and your deeds and I will let you dwell in this place.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Again if our listeners are interested in reading the daily devotional that you and Barbara wrote related to that passage of scripture they can sign up to receive the <em>Moments With You<\/em> devotional via e-mail by going to FamilyLife Today.com or they can order a copy of the book and have it available in their homes.\u00a0 Again you can get information at our website as well. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow we want to move on the subject of parenting and I\u2019m going to start off by referring to something that I\u2019ve heard you say over and over and over and over again.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I've repeated myself.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 You have said children are not robots; that you can't type in the program and get the response out that you're looking for as parents.\u00a0 And yet our parenting does influence the lives of our children.\u00a0 So how do we separate the tension between the fact that we do have influence, and we're designed to influence, but we can't influence in a determinative way?\u00a0 What do we do with that, as parents?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, I think we assume our responsibility that God has given us, and then we leave the results to God.\u00a0 We perform our duty in the power of the Holy Spirit according to the Scriptures, and we allow God to ultimately move all the things we attempt to teach from the head to the heart.\u00a0 For Him to make the 18-inch pathway down to the heart, and He has ways to do it that we don't, and we need to let Him do it and not take His place in our children's lives.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 It is easy for parents to fall into the way of thinking, though, that if I do these things \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 A + B will certainly equal C, and it doesn't happen that way.\u00a0 We have a guest today on our broadcast who agrees with us.\u00a0 Reb Bradley joins us on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 Reb welcome all the way across the country to our broadcast <strong>\u2013<\/strong> all the way from Sacramento.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Reb:<\/strong>\u00a0 It's wonderful to be here.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Reb is a former pastor.\u00a0 In fact, he was in the pastorate for more than 25 years; had his own radio talk show.\u00a0 He and his wife, Beverly, have six children and, Reb, I wrote down, as a way to introduce you, I think you'll like this, I said, \"He is a reformed home-school advocate,\" right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Reb:<\/strong>\u00a0 Now, that could confuse some people.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 That could.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Reb:<\/strong>\u00a0 Theologically?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yeah, sure.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Reb:<\/strong> Or just reformed in homeschooling.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Actually, you really are for homeschooling, but there have been some lights go on in your life where you've uncovered some things where you feel like homeschoolers and home school parents need to be challenged, right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Reb:<\/strong>\u00a0 Absolutely.\u00a0 Well, you know, my first book was called <em>Child Training Tips<\/em>:\u00a0 <em>What I Wish I Knew When My Children Were Young<\/em>, but the subtitle is the key. <strong>\u00a0<\/strong><em>What I Wish I Knew When My Children Were Young<\/em> that was my first book.\u00a0 You see, I'm not one of those guys who does everything right.\u00a0 I make mistakes.\u00a0 I document them.\u00a0 It's like I fall in a hole, the Lord shows me the way out and I document the nature of the hole and how to avoid it and documenting and helping.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 But what you're really putting your finger on is much broader than some mistake homeschoolers make parents who teach their children at home.\u00a0 This is a trap that any parent can call into, and that's putting their hope and their methods and in all the prescribed equation of A + B =C, as we were talking about earlier.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Reb:<\/strong>\u00a0 Absolutely.\u00a0 Parents in this age <strong>\u2013<\/strong> I mean, Christian parents want their children to turn out great who doesn't?\u00a0 The problem is that when you've dedicated your life <strong>\u2013<\/strong> maybe you're a mom, you've given up your career; you've set aside your life and time.\u00a0 That means you've made incredible sacrifice.\u00a0 You expect that there is going to be fruit of it, and then you think of the text in Proverbs that says, \"Train up a child the way he should go and when he's old, he won't depart from it,\" so you're thinking, \"Okay, I'm giving myself to the training.\u00a0 I can be guaranteed this outcome.\"\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd then you fall into studying the books, listening to the tapes, going to conferences saying, \"What are all the things I must do to ensure that my kids are going to turn out right?\"\u00a0 So you become, how could I say, \"process-oriented, ingredient-oriented,\" and you lose the relationship with the kids along the way, but the problem is a preoccupation with the ultimate goal, which is perfect kids.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Were you a process-oriented parent?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Reb:<\/strong>\u00a0 Oh, I was incredibly a process-oriented parent.\u00a0 I was always listening to tapes.\u00a0 I wrote my own book years ago, and yet people would see me at other people's conferences and say, \"Why are you here?\"\u00a0 And I'd say \"I never can learn enough,\" because I wanted more ingredients if I had blind spots, but I was preoccupied with ingredients.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMy wife and I would learn something new, we'd come home and say, \"All right, kids, things are different now,\" and then we would change the thing.\u00a0 It didn't matter what their response was.\u00a0 They became, if you will, non-human.\u00a0 Their response was insignificant to us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Back to the robot deal?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Reb:<\/strong>\u00a0 It was.\u00a0 We were treating our children almost as if they were robots.\u00a0 \"We're going to foist a process upon you,\" and, in fact, they were like inanimate objects, like chemicals a scientist might mix in a lab.\u00a0 \"We'll mix these ingredients together, and then when it all comes out\" <strong>\u2013<\/strong> in fact, I thought of it this way. <strong>\u00a0<\/strong>We'll mix these ingredients together, we'll do homeschooling, intense sheltering, great control, and we'll mix it all into this bowl and set the timer.\u00a0 When you're 18, ding, the timer is going to go off.\u00a0 We'll have perfect angel food kids.\u00a0 And I've seen thousands now, of parents, just like me.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 You know, that's a recipe, but that's a recipe for something different.\u00a0 There is what's called \"devil's food\" cake.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Reb:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 When children are over-controlled by parents who want to make them look good, well, I'm reminded, and this is mixing our metaphors here from our cake recipes, but I'm reminded of the great theologian, Erma Bombeck, who said, \"If you want a guarantee in life, buy a Sears die-hard battery.\"\u00a0 If you want to have kids, though, there are no guarantees, and it defies all the formulas, doesn't it?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, what do we do with passages in Proverbs, though, that say \"if you train up a child in the way he should go, when he is old, he will not depart from it?\"\u00a0 Do we scratch that from our Bible and say that's not true?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Reb:<\/strong>\u00a0 Oh, no.\u00a0 I had to come to an awakening of what God meant by that, but I actually heard a preacher on the radio say something to the effect that Proverbs is full not so much of promises but of statements of wisdom of general outcomes.\u00a0 He went through multiple texts and showed how each one was really a general statement.\u00a0 We interpret them as an exact promise, and his point was, as Solomon put that text in there, that, generally speaking, you can expect that when you devote yourself to your children, they will stay with the faith, and even if they have a time of rebellion, they'll come back, they will return, generally speaking, it's a wise statement <strong>\u2013<\/strong> that should be the general outcome.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut for an individual to think that the child will never have a time of rebellion, that's what God meant by that statement, I think, is a great mistake.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 If somebody picked up a copy of your book, <em>What I Wish I Knew When My Children Were Young<\/em> today, would you tell them, \"Read this book.\u00a0 It's a good book.\u00a0 It will help you as a parent,\" or would you say, \"No, wait until I get the revised edition out before you read this.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Reb:<\/strong>\u00a0 What I tell people is this <strong>\u2013<\/strong> that book is about shaping and influencing behavior.\u00a0 Some of my newer teachings are about influencing hearts.\u00a0 Because, you see, many people read that book, and they are helped immeasurably.\u00a0 But if you have an imbalance in your heart, that's where the problem comes in.\u00a0 If you tend to be drill sergeant and formulaic-driven <strong>\u2013<\/strong> I'm going to do these things and if I just follow these biblical prescriptions Reb has recorded here, then I'll be assured of an outcome.\u00a0 That's where you get in trouble.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Reb, I want to ask you a very personal question at this point, and you may not be able to answer it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Reb:<\/strong>\u00a0 All right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Because of the public nature of radio.\u00a0 Was there something that occurred among your six children where ultimately you realized where your hope was being placed?\u00a0 In other words, was there a wake-up call through the behavior and lives of one of your children or more than one of them that ultimately got your attention?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Reb:<\/strong>\u00a0 Absolutely.\u00a0 My oldest son, who is 27 now, he's a cop, upstanding guy, been married for about five years, but when he was around 17 I was stunned to see he wasn't cooperating with the mold.\u00a0 I was stunned to see that I didn't have the control I had.\u00a0 He was an individual.\u00a0 By the time he was 18, I actually had to have him leave my home.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 So you kicked him out?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Reb:<\/strong>\u00a0 I kicked him out.\u00a0 He was out of our home for four months.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 For what?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Reb:<\/strong>\u00a0 For speaking disrespectfully.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 What did he say to you?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Reb:<\/strong>\u00a0 He would say, \"But, Dad,\" and he would start talking back.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 And so you jerked his chain and put him on the street?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Reb:<\/strong>\u00a0 I gave him three weeks.\u00a0 I said, \"Son, you must correct this.\u201d\u00a0 You must say, \"Dad, can we speak,\" instead of just start talking back.\u00a0 You're modeling bad things for the little ones.\u00a0 So that was what was going on in our home.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 On the day you kicked him out \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Reb:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 What did he say to you that time and what exactly did you say to him and what happened?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Reb:<\/strong>\u00a0 You know, I don't remember the exact words that came down.\u00a0 I just saw that after a few weeks, he was not motivated to change.\u00a0 And so I said, \"All right, son, we're getting your stuff, we're going to put it on the front porch,\" and he started weeping.\u00a0 He started pleading with me, \"No, please,\" but I'd given him three weeks.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo I said, \"You can call a buddy and come pick you up, whatever you want, but you cannot live here.\u00a0 I gave you three weeks to change this.\"\u00a0 It was dramatic.\u00a0 My wife and I wept for an hour probably every day for the next month.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt was just heartbreaking for us mostly because we were so intensely committed to shaping him, protecting him from movies, now we're realizing that here he was, exposed to all the junk we tried to shelter him from, and he finally rented a room.\u00a0 He slept on people's floors, he rented a room \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Did he have any wheels?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Reb:<\/strong>\u00a0 He did have a little car my parents had actually given him just weeks before this whole thing occurred.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 So here he is, alone on his own, has wheels, no parental control \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Reb:<\/strong>\u00a0 The first thing he did was go buy himself a video player from the pawn shop, a video player\/TV combination to watch the movies we forbade him from watching all those years, and he started doing all the things we'd prohibited him from.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut after four months, we saw him again.\u00a0 I actually took a sabbatical after that.\u00a0 I went away for several months to a cabin at Lake Tahoe.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 You were a pastor at the time?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Reb: <\/strong>\u00a0I was a pastor, and I went away on a sabbatical and just take some time off with the family, and we invited him up.\u00a0 He visited us, and that weekend his heart was renewed with the Lord with us.\u00a0 We were restored, and so rather than move with us, he said, \"You know what?\u00a0 I developed bad friends while I was away.\u00a0 I don't want to go back home, if it's okay.\"\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo we arranged another place for him to live up at Lake Tahoe for the church we'd connected with up there.\u00a0 So he was away for a year, and then he came back and eventually got married, and that was my introduction to this whole experience that children are beyond the control of parents.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 You made a statement to him in the midst of that when he was speaking disrespectfully that later you reflected on that unearthed wrong thinking in your own heart, right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Reb:<\/strong>\u00a0 I looked at him at one point and said, \"Son, you've ruined my dreams.\"\u00a0 As I look back on it, I realize what I was saying was I had dreams that you, someone outside myself, were going to fulfill.\u00a0 Now I see the problem was my dreams for him were really about me.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI had this picture of children who would grow up at home and go through this carefully orchestrated courtship process and one day be married, and he messed it all up, and I was greatly disappointed with him for ruining my dream.\u00a0 I didn't even know we had a broken relationship.\u00a0 I since realize that even when children go their own way, it's not nature.\u00a0 There is a broken relationship at the time; I just thought I had a rebellious son.\u00a0 It never occurred to me that rebellion is partly because of a broken relationship.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 But what if you can't repair the relationship?\u00a0 There are parents who have pursued their children repeatedly throughout the teenage years, and the child refuses to love back.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Reb:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, you have to keep a standard for your home.\u00a0 You have to say, \"Here are the rules for our home, and if you cannot keep them, you cannot live here.\" \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 So if you had it to do all over again, back to that day when you asked him to leave your home.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Reb:<\/strong>\u00a0 Now that I understand relationship, I would have sat down for some really heart-to-heart talk to him.\u00a0 The kinds I've had since he's gone.\u00a0 I've gone out with each of my adult children now that my eyes have been opened, and had luncheon appointments with them, and coffees with them.\u00a0 Each time I'd discover something new, I'd go meet with one of my adult children and say, \"Here is what God has shown me, and here is what I wish I'd done in my parenting, and I realize I didn't do with you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 As you look back, you'd say the fundamental thing that you let slide was the cultivation of a relationship with your children.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Reb:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, we had so much affection in our home <strong>\u2013<\/strong> even my adult son, to this day, he's six-five, about 350 pounds, a huge guy; makes a very dangerous cop, but I could sit across the table from him \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tReally, everybody <strong>\u2013<\/strong> he never cuffs anybody, he says, \"Put these cuffs on.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I'm going to watch my speed when I go through town, I promise you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Reb:<\/strong>\u00a0 He's a very sweet guy.\u00a0 But I can reach over and put my hand on his hand while we talk, and he doesn't even think about it.\u00a0 There is so much touching, warmth, and affection, still to this day.\u00a0 So we had all this affection and I thought that meant having their hearts.\u00a0 I didn't know there a difference between just having affection and actually having your children's hearts.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo I looked back <strong>\u2013<\/strong> if I were to do it again <strong>\u2013<\/strong> back to your original question, I would make<strong>\u2013<\/strong> spend some time with him to repair the broken relationship, because he had given up trying to please us years earlier, and I see that now.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Now, you're going to explain this to me, because you're saying there was a lot of affection in the home, but there weren't good relationships.\u00a0 You typically think if there's a lot of affection, there has to be good relationship, doesn't there?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Reb:<\/strong>\u00a0 You would think that.\u00a0 At our home, though, there was warmth, there was touching, there was hugging, but bottom line is that was not the dominant force in the home.\u00a0 It was my wife's and my authority and intimidation.\u00a0 My children had learned to obey chiefly out of fear of consequence.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Give me an illustration of your authority and intimidation, because I\u2019m looking across the table, I can kind of picture it <strong>\u2013<\/strong> I'm sorry, Reb, I know you're a reformed home school advocate.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 We think you could be a cop, too.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 You wouldn't want to be pulled over by Reb, either, folks.\u00a0 But, seriously, what's an illustration of how you would be intimidating or controlling as a dad?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Reb:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0 Here it is.\u00a0 This actually happened. <strong>\u00a0<\/strong><strong>Y<\/strong>ears ago, my wife and I looked at our older children when they were young, and we said this <strong>\u2013<\/strong> I said, \"Kids, your mom and I have to work on a project all through the night, and we're going to be up late.\u00a0 So in the morning, you don't dare wake us up.\"\u00a0 In other words, we relied on threat of consequence <strong>\u2013<\/strong> \"Don't you dare wake us up.\u00a0 You get a video, you watch a family parent-approved video, and you go out there, and you watch it until you see us, but don't make any noise.\u00a0 Do I make myself clear?\"\u00a0 So this was <strong>\u2013<\/strong> my manner was to threat of consequence.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Clint Eastwood parenting, huh?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Reb:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0 Make my day.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Was that what it was like, seriously?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Reb:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, it was just simply always \"here is the consequence.\"\u00a0 And consequences were the chief motivator.\u00a0 Whereas now, my younger three, who I have cultivated relationship with, who presently are 16, 13, and 12, but when they were younger even, we understood relationship.\u00a0 So it would be like this <strong>\u2013<\/strong> \"Kids, your mom and I have to work through the night.\u00a0 We need our rest.\u00a0 Be ask quiet as possible in the morning,\" and we'd tell them what to do. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut we wouldn't have the threat of consequence.\u00a0 We'd look at them in their eyes based on relationship.\u00a0 And so with our older kids, our threats wouldn't work, and the next morning they'd forgotten the threat, and they would wake us up with fussing and making noise.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, our younger ones, we've made this appeal out of love, well, they still wake us up.\u00a0 They wake us up doing this <strong>\u2013<\/strong> \"Quiet! Don't wake up Mom and Dad!\" so they're all motivated.\u00a0 I said don't wake up Mom and Dad!\u00a0 So they're motivated to, they want to keep us asleep.\u00a0 So that's the difference.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tA threat and intimidation style of parenting only knows, \"here is the consequence.\"\u00a0 When you have relationship, you can look at them in love and say, \"But you love me.\u00a0 I love you.\u00a0 I expect this of you,\" and they, in their hearts say, \"Yes, that's right.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 As I hear you tell that story, I think there are parents who would say, \"We have got to help our children understand respect for authority and obedience, and this is key to our child training.\"\u00a0 And if they do that without the context of love and relationship, they are fostering rebellion in the heart of a child, aren't they?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Reb:<\/strong>\u00a0 Often.\u00a0 In our home, we only knew consequence, and I say it this way <strong>\u2013<\/strong> my wife and I had intimated our children into subjection but failed to within their hearts into submission.\u00a0 We had intimidated them into subjection.\u00a0 They would not cross us.\u00a0 It was, \"Yes, Mom,\" \"Yes, Dad,\" they did everything we said.\u00a0 By the time they were teenagers, we had no idea their hearts were far from us, because outwardly it was always compliance and obedience.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I'm reminded of the story of the little boy whose parents told him to sit down three times.\u00a0 Have you heard this story?\u00a0 And, finally, the father pushed him down in the chair, and he looked back up at him and said, \"I may be sitting down on the outside, but I'm standing up on the inside.\"\u00a0 And that's what you're saying was occurring with your kids.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Reb:<\/strong>\u00a0 Except for my children would sit down, and they wouldn't say that.\u00a0 They would sit down because they were intimidated to do anything else, but in their hearts they were standing up, they just wouldn't hint it verbally outwardly.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 And they were planning for the day when <strong>\u2013<\/strong> again, not consciously, but in the back of their mind they were thinking, \"Someday, I'll be able to stand up if I want to, and on that day, I will do what I want to do.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Reb:<\/strong>\u00a0 Exactly.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 \"I'm going to go buy a video <strong>\u2013<\/strong> a recorder and TV and go watch all the movies that Dad and Mom won't let me watch.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 The very fact that that's kind of the first thing, once your son is kicked out of the home is an indicator that he's saying, \"I'm going to call the shots one day.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Reb:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, that was my son.\u00a0 My next child, my daughter, didn't feel quite so strongly.\u00a0 We had her heart by the time she was probably 17.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Although when it came to the area of courtship, which is something that you have taught on, written books on, you had your vision of what her courtship experience would be like, and it wasn't exactly your experience.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Reb:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, it was pretty close.\u00a0 It was my two sons who had their own versions.\u00a0 That's a whole other show.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, that's what I was wondering.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Maybe we'll open that can of worms \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I'll think we'll pull the can opener out maybe on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> another day.\u00a0 But you know what you're talking about, Reb, is not just in the home school movement.\u00a0 This can be among parents who are churchgoing people who think that outward conformity is the goal of Christian parenting.\u00a0 I like the way you've put it.\u00a0 In fact, I like the wording, you said, \"I have to win my child's heart,\" and it's the picture of God's pursuit of His children.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat is this Book?\u00a0 From Genesis to Revelation the story of the hound of heaven chasing down his pups.\u00a0 And I\u2019m one of them.\u00a0 That's how He got me.\u00a0 His love turned my life around and, for a number of years I rejected Christianity or a form of Christianity because it looked like rules, regulations, and consequences <strong>\u2013<\/strong> the very thing you're talking about, Reb.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut it was the relationship that I finally understood from the Book of Romans that God in heaven loved me, and He died for me.\u00a0 And He pursues me in His Resurrection love.\u00a0 He pursues a relationship with me desperately, and it was that love that turned my life around, and that's what you're saying we need to do as parents with our kids <strong>\u2013<\/strong> our hearts need to be connected to our kids.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And I think we've got to recognize that their hearts are our target as parents.\u00a0 We don't simply want to try to get the outward conformity, the obedience on the outside without touching their heart.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI'm thinking of the book that our friend, Tedd Tripp, has written, the excellent book, <em>Shepherding a Child's Heart<\/em>, which, by the way, has been revised and updated, and there is now a parenting handbook that goes along with it.\u00a0 We've got both of these resources in our FamilyLife Resource Center, and I think if there was one book that I would point parents to that kind of provides this over-arching parenting philosophy that we've been talking about today, it's Tedd's book.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAgain, it's called <em>Shepherding a Child's Heart<\/em>.\u00a0 There is information about both the book and the parenting handbook in our FamilyLife Resource Center.\u00a0 You can go to our website at FamilyLifeToday.com and get more information about these resources.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou can also call 1-800-FLTODAY, that\u2019s 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life and then the word TODAY and someone on our team can get you information on how you can have the resources you need sent out to you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to take a minute today before we are done and say a special word of thanks to those of you who help support the ministry of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> especially those of you who are legacy partners.\u00a0 In each of the cities where <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is heard there are handful and we would hope that handful might grow into a couple of fists full of families who help support the ministry by making a monthly contribution to the ministry of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThey become legacy partners and when you sign on to do that we send you a welcome kit that has resources to help strengthen your marriage and family.\u00a0 Throughout the year as you make donations to help support the ministry we continue to provide you with updated resources that we think are going to strengthen you in your relationships.\u00a0 Or resources you can pass on to others you know who might be struggling with a particular issue.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you sign up to become a legacy partner and you allow us to receive your donation through a monthly credit card or check draft we are going to send you as a thank you gift we are going to send you a certificate for you and your spouse or friends of yours to attend an upcoming Weekend to Remember\u00ae Marriage Conference.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFind out more about want it means to be a legacy partner by going online at FamilyLifeToday.com or simply call 1-800-FL-TODAY.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow tomorrow we are going to continue talking about the issue of parenting and getting to the heart of your child.\u00a0 We\u2019re going to find out how Reb Bradley responded the day his son came home with a tattoo.\u00a0 I hope you can join us for that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team.\u00a0 On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 We'll see you back tomorrow for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHelp for today.\u00a0 Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts for you. However, there is a cost to transcribe, create, and produce them for our website. If you've benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright \u00a9 FamilyLife. 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