{"id":301941,"date":"2009-12-18T12:00:00","date_gmt":"2009-12-18T17:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/principles-for-connecting-to-your-teen\/"},"modified":"2009-12-18T12:00:00","modified_gmt":"2009-12-18T17:00:00","slug":"principles-for-connecting-to-your-teen","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/principles-for-connecting-to-your-teen\/","title":{"rendered":"Principles for Connecting to Your Teen"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Do you treat your teen as a child or an adult?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2009-12-18.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:","filesize":"11.86M","filesize_raw":"12432385","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2855],"tags":[4928,2588],"podcast_series":[7697],"cwp_profile":[9181],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-301941","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-teens","tag-high-school","tag-teens","podcast_series-get-outta-my-face","cwp_profile-rick-horne","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/301941\/principles-for-connecting-to-your-teen","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/301941\/principles-for-connecting-to-your-teen","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"whin8nUz4O\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/principles-for-connecting-to-your-teen\/\">Principles for Connecting to Your Teen<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/principles-for-connecting-to-your-teen\/embed\/#?secret=whin8nUz4O\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Principles for Connecting to Your Teen&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"whin8nUz4O\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var 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adult?","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2009-12-18.pdf","transcript_content":"<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rick:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Teenagers like to think but they don\u2019t like to think \u2013 you know what I mean?\u00a0 They don\u2019t want to see it sometimes \u2013 they don\u2019t want to go there because they know where it\u2019s going to lead.\u00a0 They know that they have to make a choice:\u00a0 You mean these problems that I\u2019m experiencing, these things that I don\u2019t like I\u2019m bringing on myself?\u00a0 So, if I make changes to be different \u2013 things can be different? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Friday, December 18<sup>th<\/sup>.\u00a0 Our host is the President of FamilyLife Dennis Rainey, and I\u2019m Bob Lepine.\u00a0 When you\u2019re working with a teenager instead of trying to make that child change sometimes it\u2019s better to show the child why making a change makes sense.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWelcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> thanks for joining us.\u00a0 You going to make me act like a teenager again?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, you earlier asked me to act like one.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Well, I know.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>You and I both got into the role with our guest though quite quickly.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t(laughter)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 We were able to jump right in!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>I do have to give you the award.\u00a0 A little bit later we\u2019re going to talk about body language that a parent has \u2013 Bob was into the part\u2014wouldn\u2019t you say?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rick:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>He sure was!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Rick Horne joins us again on <em>FamilyLife Today\u2014<\/em>Rick welcome back.\u00a0 I\u2019m just glad you came back after Bob did that to you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t(laughter)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>It\u2019s that much pain from a teenager.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>I mean his mom almost quit. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rick:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>He knows how to role-play a teenager that\u2019s angry!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>He really does!\u00a0 Rick is the author of a book:\u00a0 <em>Get Outta My Face<\/em>.\u00a0 It\u2019s a book on how to deal with teenage anger, and it comes from a gentleman who has six children of his own \u2013 30 years of experience as a Christian school guidance counselor.\u00a0 I just want to take you to one of the core parts of the book here that I found really helpful.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt was a biblical lens, or a biblical look at a teenager.\u00a0 Really there\u2019s nothing profound about it.\u00a0 I don\u2019t want to diminish what you\u2019ve said here, but it\u2019s just a reminder of who it is we\u2019re dealing with when we\u2019re dealing with teenagers.\u00a0 Share those eight things with our listeners.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rick:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>That\u2019s right \u2013 yes.\u00a0 Well these are eight lenses:\u00a0 I call them biblical lenses \u2013 ways to look at teens because we do forget sometimes who we\u2019re looking at.\u00a0 The first one is that teens are sinners \u2013 that sounds like a pretty negative way to start but it\u2019s really very positive in the sense that if we don\u2019t remember that they\u2019re sinners then whatever solutions we\u2019re going to ever bring to help our kids are going to be off track as well.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Not just that they\u2019re not perfect but that the root of their problem is their rebellion against God.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rick:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>That\u2019s right \u2013 that\u2019s ultimately where it is.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>If we figure that it\u2019s something else, and try to treat the symptom we may wind up with nothing fixed at all.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Well, when a teenager is angry the easiest thing to feel is that they\u2019re angry at you.\u00a0 They\u2019re rebelling against you, but if you have this concept in place you realize that there\u2019s a bigger picture taking place here that their real rebellion is against God not you as the parent.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat\u2019s the second one?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rick:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>By having that \u2013 that leads to the second one because teenagers can be respected as young adults.\u00a0 It doesn\u2019t mean they have everything together but they are created in the image of God so, they are given an identity by God.\u00a0 One of the Hebrew words \u2013 na\u2019ar is the most common word used in the Old Testament.\u00a0 It\u2019s used more than 200 times primarily for young people from the time of puberty til about the age of 30.\u00a0 So, we\u2019re talking about Daniel, and David \u2013 they were both identified as na\u2019ar.\u00a0 The book of Proverbs \u2013 in Proverbs 1:4 is addressed to the youth\u2014 that\u2019s the same word.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, you think of all the things in the book of Proverbs\u2014they relate to these people\u2014all those kind of decisions they can be respected.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>I think you point out here that a lot of time as parent\u2019s we fail to make the shift between looking at our children as children, and looking at them as young adults.\u00a0 If we fail to make that shift, and continue to treat them like children as they are emerging adults then we do exasperate our kids don\u2019t we?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rick:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>We do that\u2019s right.\u00a0 There\u2019s more to them than the fact that they\u2019re sinners.\u00a0 They are sinners, and we can\u2019t forget that, but there\u2019s more to them, and that\u2019s the third lens.\u00a0 By common grace we can see our angry teens have the ability to make good choices.\u00a0 Every once in a while I\u2019ll have kids come in and say, \u201cWell, I can\u2019t do anything\u2014it doesn\u2019t matter what I do\u2014it\u2019s always going to be wrong.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen, you know whether they think that of us as a parent or whatever.\u00a0 I use a rather kind of a silly illustration\u2014I think it\u2019s in the book, but it really communicates to kids too.\u00a0 I\u2019ll say, \u201cWell, when you woke up this morning did you kind of have a pressure in your mid-section, and you went down to a room maybe at the end of the hall in your house and you went in there, and you came out a little bit later and there was no longer any pressure.\u201d\u00a0 You mean going to the bathroom \u2013 yes I went to the bathroom.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWell, then I\u2019ll say, \u201cWell, that was a good choice.\u00a0 You can still make good choices.\u00a0 Now you\u2019ve made some bad ones.\u00a0 Yes you might have gotten yourself into some hot water but you can make good choices.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI notice you\u2019re sitting here, and you have clothes on\u2014that\u2019s a good choice.\u00a0 There are simple ways but sometimes kids can become very narrow in their perspective\u2014very tunnel vision oriented, and they lose perspective.\u00a0 By us communicating this bigger picture right away they\u2019re hearing something different from us than just focusing on their problem.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Yes, and just thinking about the negatives.\u00a0 One of the things that I always thought about our teenager, and I would remind Barbara quite frequently as well as remind myself is that teenagers desperately need their parents to believe in them because they go through a period of time when they do not believe in themselves.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rick:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Because the problem is what\u2019s annoying us the temptation is for us to only see that and lose the broader scope of who God has made them by common grace, and what they really are composed of.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Your teen needs you to be on his team not always on his case.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rick:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>That doesn\u2019t mean you necessarily approve of everything he does.\u00a0\u00a0 It just means you\u2019re there to love him, and respect him, and support him as a person who\u2019s created in the image of God, and one who can make good choices.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>If all your teen is hearing from you is all of the ways he\u2019s messing up or all of the things that he\u2019s doing wrong.\u00a0 If he never hears or she never hears any affirmation who wants to live in that house right?\u00a0 I don\u2019t want to live in that house so there has to be some expression of affirmation and love, and cheering them on when they do make good choices.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rick:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>\u00a0That\u2019s the next lens that it leads to naturally and that is God\u2019s goodness builds right into us \u2013 hardwires into us the ability to make wise choices.\u00a0 We all have good desires within us by God\u2019s common grace.\u00a0 God\u2019s put a sense of His law within us Paul tells us in Romans chapter 2.\u00a0 So, there is a sense of fairness, a sense of justice, a sense of rightness.\u00a0 They want freedom, they want to be mature \u2013 now sin has distorted all of that for sure, and I don\u2019t want to minimize any of that but at the same time to say, \u201cThat there is more to our kids than just the sinful expression of those things.\u201d\u00a0 If we recognize that it enables us to really show a respect, and communicate respect to them.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Yes, just to affirm for those wise choices.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rick:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>That\u2019s right.\u00a0 They can make good choices.\u00a0 Another lens was: changes need to go deeper than just the surface.\u00a0 We need to see that the change that\u2019s necessary in our kids is really a heart change.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOne of the dangers of what I\u2019ve written here is that because when these principles are practiced kids will often make some very dramatic changes in their behavior.\u00a0 The reason is because for the first time I\u2019m helping them see that what they really want they\u2019re destroying by doing some of the things they\u2019re doing.\u00a0 If they change their behavior they can get what they really want.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe temptation is just to stay then on the surface, and to settle for the fact that now there\u2019s peace in the home.\u00a0 Now they\u2019re not using profanity, now they\u2019re coming in on time, now they\u2019re not slamming the door, and being angry all the time.\u00a0 Those changes can be very real, and they can come about but if we only settle for that we\u2019re missing the fact that they have a heart that needs to be changed, and transformed too.\u00a0 So, the heart needs to be in the cross hairs of every parent from the outset in terms of our working with kids.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Let me unpack this a little bit because I think this is very important.\u00a0 We can get our kids whether they\u2019re small or big to modify their behavior, and we do that with rewards and punishment.\u00a0 When you reward a child and they like the reward they\u2019ll act right \u2013 when you punish them they\u2019ll stop acting that way.\u00a0 The problem is if you don\u2019t deal with the heart issues then as soon as the reward and punishment structure is taken away they just go back to whatever feels good or is working at the time.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rick:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>It\u2019s not propped up any longer that\u2019s right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>That\u2019s right so you have to ask the question what\u2019s in your heart?\u00a0 Out of the abundance of the heart not only does the mouth speak, but all behavior flows out of the heart and that\u2019s where we have to be reaching inside and saying, \u201cI want to make sure I\u2019m getting into my child\u2019s heart.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>A great Bible study for your kids if they\u2019re teenagers is to pay them 25 cents, 50 cents, or if you have a lot of cash a buck for every reference, and every principle they can find in scripture about the word heart.\u00a0 I did this in a Bible study with our youngest two, and it cost me about 45 dollars.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t(laughter)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Could they just go to the concordance and look it up or go on the Bible software and type it in?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>I think they had the concordance so I taught them how to use that but I think one of them found like 40 to 50, and the other was 35 to 40 different lessons about the heart.\u00a0 It\u2019s all about how God wants our whole heart.\u00a0 He wants to change us from the heart all the way to the exterior, and it ultimately is where is your heart?\u00a0 What does have your attention, what is the object of your love, your affection, what are you living for?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think a Bible study like this can cause some great discussion with your teenagers in terms of where their hearts are focused.\u00a0 This next one is teens can, and must think about their choices in light of goals and consequences.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rick:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Yes, I often talk to kids about \u2013 they are free to choose or not choose to change.\u00a0 I can\u2019t make them change and I will very often several times throughout a discussion pepper the conversation with the fact\u2014listen you don\u2019t have to change anything \u2013 if you\u2019re okay being grounded, if it\u2019s okay for you to keep on having a bad relationship with your mom or your dad \u2013 if you like that I\u2019d say, \u201cKeep doing what you\u2019re doing because you\u2019ll keep getting what you\u2019re getting.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut, if you want that to change then you can make changes because you\u2019ve already shown some other experiences where you\u2019ve changed and because you made some changes some things in your relationships changed, and people trusted you and you had other privileges and so forth.\u00a0 But if you don\u2019t want to \u2013 you don\u2019t have to.\u00a0 There are no such things as accidental choices \u2013 they\u2019re all intentional and they are connected to what I want.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat\u2019s one of the reasons radical changes can take place with angry kids because when they begin to see that what they\u2019re doing is really shooting themselves in the foot then they\u2019ll change their behavior because they\u2019re going to get what they really want \u2013 what they wisely want and kids will move mountains in order for that to happen.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>This next biblical lens that you have \u2013 I really liked a section of your book that illustrated this:\u00a0 its scriptural principles cover both how to speak, and what to say to angry teens.\u00a0 In other words you didn\u2019t just coach parents in what they say but you also talk about their body language and how they say it.\u00a0 You actually have an acrostic for how their body language is important in communicating with a teen.\u00a0 You spell out the word resolve:\u00a0 Share that with our listeners.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rick:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>There are pretty common body language features.\u00a0 There are some folks like Howard Hendricks and others who have made just an awful lot of an emphasis on the fact that we only communicate with words about 7% of the time.\u00a0 You know body language comprises about 38% of that communication, or tone of voice I guess does, and body language about 55%.\u00a0 So, without ever saying a word we can communicate mountains worth of material.\u00a0 R E S O L V E just several principles \u2013 relax \u2013 the time for this kind of discussion is not when I\u2019m tense but when I am relaxed and I bring it before the Lord, and I have His calming spirit bringing me to have a bigger perspective about what\u2019s going on.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>In other words you have to be in control!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rick:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Have to be in control.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Don\u2019t do it as soon as you\u2019ve gotten home from the traffic jam, and you\u2019re off the highway, and you\u2019ve had a bad day.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rick:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>You\u2019re hungry.\u00a0 Yes that\u2019s right!\u00a0 Enjoy the time \u2013 as a parent talking even to our angry kids when you approach it with these concepts in mind can be enjoyable because you\u2019re not again confronting your son or daughter.\u00a0 You\u2019re going to allow the confrontation between your daughter, and her self, or your son, and himself not between you and them.\u00a0 That becomes kind of fun because one of the things that makes working with teenagers at least for me fun is teenagers like to think but they don\u2019t like to think \u2013 do you know what I mean?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>So, you\u2019re helping them with self-discovery?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rick:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>You really are, and they don\u2019t want to see it sometimes.\u00a0 They don\u2019t want to go there because they know where it\u2019s going to lead.\u00a0 They know that they have to make a choice.\u00a0 You mean these problems that I\u2019m experiencing, these things I don\u2019t like I\u2019m bringing on myself?\u00a0 So if I make changes to be different things can be different?\u00a0 Sometimes they don\u2019t like to see that but you can enjoy this \u2013 enjoy the time.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe way we sit is also important.\u00a0 In my office I have a much like this kind of like a dining room table, but it\u2019s kind of oval so there\u2019s no place to really be a barrier but there is still an edge that I\u2019m not forcing eye contact.\u00a0 I give them an opportunity to be safe and they can sit in an angle.\u00a0 You know if you sit face-to-face it\u2019s kind of like an interrogation but sitting at an angle you give your son or daughter an opportunity to not have to look at you.\u00a0 That gives them freedom \u2013 in fact that\u2019s one of the ways you can tell that you\u2019ve really tuned in and that you\u2019ve listened big. The way we\u2019ve talked in the beginning of this \u2013 when you have connected there will actually very often be a change in the physical appearance of your son or daughter.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>They\u2019re going move more in your direction.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rick:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>They\u2019ll move \u2013 they\u2019ll look your way, they\u2019ll maybe move your way, they\u2019ll sit back and relax more \u2013 there are a variety of ways when you see that happen you know I\u2019ve made some contact.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>To that point the open stance that a parent can have rather than having arms crossed, legs crossed, finger pointed, we just need to be open.\u00a0 It\u2019s interesting I\u2019ve been involved in a number of conflicts both at home with the kids but also here in the ministry working with people.\u00a0 When I sense my arms beginning to fold I check my attitude, and wonder if it\u2019s not a reflection of what\u2019s taking place \u2013 am I getting defensive?\u00a0 Or, am I starting to want to preach, or feeling self-righteous?\u00a0 I feel like we could learn a lot about just kind of checking out your own posture as a parent as you engage in the child.\u00a0 What\u2019s the next one?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rick:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Leaning \u2013 you can intensify or relax a conversation just by your posture as to whether you lean forward, whether you lean back \u2013if you want to make a point, you want to really get attention leaning forward can help do that.\u00a0 At the same time there\u2019s a place to lean back \u2013 now none of these are intended to be manipulative strategies, and they can all be construed as that.\u00a0 They can be artificial \u2013 it\u2019s like so many other things if there isn\u2019t genuineness.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe purpose of this is to recognize that communication is not just my words.\u00a0 So, I am communicating by my body language as well so if I lean forward I\u2019m saying something.\u00a0 If I lean back it might be that I\u2019m trying to say something else.\u00a0 It\u2019s the same way with your son or daughter when they lean forward or back.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Especially if you\u2019re trying to listen to your child to make sure they feel like you understand it may really help that you lean towards them.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rick:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Absolutely \u2013 yes because then they get the sense you are trying to tune in.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>The last two letters in the acrostic V and E \u2013 voice and eye contact \u2013 again the tone of voice we use, the volume of our voice, just the sound even as I\u2019ve just softened my voice in here makes a difference.\u00a0 Or, if I get forceful with my voice \u2013 I mean how we use our voice is significant in our communication, and then looking.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rick:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Yes \u2013 eye contact can mean I\u2019m grilling you, it can mean I\u2019m interrogating you, or it can mean I\u2019m sensitive toward you.\u00a0 I mean even when the news broadcasters put criminals on TV \u2013 if they are somebody that\u2019s going to testify what they\u2019ll do is they\u2019ll block out eyes because the eyes can communicate so much.\u00a0 So they can as well with us in talking to our teens.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>You know what we\u2019re doing here is attempting to come alongside parents and help them just be wise in how they\u2019re communicating, and what they\u2019re communicating because sometimes how we\u2019re standing, where our fingers are pointed, how we\u2019re looking at our child can completely distract, and create a defensiveness in the child so the child will never ever hear what we\u2019re saying.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you look at 1 Corinthians 13 it\u2019s talking about love enduring all things, bearing all things, believing all things.\u00a0 Love is looking for a way to break through.\u00a0 I think we as parents many times feel like the child needs to do more of this, and we shouldn\u2019t have to bear so much responsibility but that\u2019s why we\u2019re the parents.\u00a0 We\u2019re supposed to be more mature, we\u2019re supposed to engage our children in wisdom, and as I\u2019ve said many times not get in the emotional mud puddle with them, and become a mud wrestler.\u00a0 Because that\u2019s what a teenager will try to do.\u00a0 They\u2019ll try to completely manipulate you, get you so upset that you lose control and at that point you\u2019re no longer the parent \u2013 they\u2019re in control.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rick:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>I believe the real antidote to that is making sure my goals, my posture, my stance right from the outset is to want the glory of God in this whole thing.\u00a0 The ultimate goal is not peace in my home \u2013 I want that!\u00a0 The ultimate goal isn\u2019t my good reputation as a dad, or as a parent, or as a counselor \u2013 the ultimate goal is wanting the glory of God.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>It\u2019s not even that I get things done my way as a parent or that my child respect me except in this context as you\u2019re saying where the scriptures teach a child to respect his parents.\u00a0 Do we care about God\u2019s reputation and God\u2019s glory more than our own agenda?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rick:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Because that frees me up then to love my son and daughter without thinking I have to make them change.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Yes \u2013 it\u2019s not about me as the parent.\u00a0 What your dream is for the parent is you want their lives to ultimately honor God, and that\u2019s the glory of God.\u00a0 That\u2019s what you\u2019re talking about here.\u00a0 Rick I just appreciate what you\u2019ve done here in this book taking your years of experience \u2013 more than three decades as a guidance counselor \u2013 working with teens as well as a father of six children \u2013 we had six as well:\u00a0 Four teenagers at one time.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAs I read your book I thought I wish he\u2019d have been around about 20 years ago when we first started our teenage journey because we had teenagers for I think more than a dozen years.\u00a0 You know in those times parents need coaching, they need friends, they need counselors, and they need people who have experience outside of ours to come alongside us and to biblically counsel us.\u00a0 That\u2019s what we want to do here on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, and that\u2019s what you\u2019ve done in your book.\u00a0 Thanks for doing it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rick:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Thank you!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Well, and I think there are a lot of parents who have been listening today who are walking away with a fresh sense of what their assignment is, and how they\u2019re supposed to carry it out in a way that keeps the objective in mind, and that keeps God at the center of their task.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLet me encourage folks to go to our website FamilyLifeToday.com \u2013 there\u2019s more information available there about the book that Rick has written- it\u2019s called:\u00a0 <em>Get Outta My Face<\/em> and you can find out more on-line at FamilyLifeToday.com or call 1-800-FLTODAY.\u00a0 1-800-358-6329\u2014that\u2019s 1-800 F as in \u201cfamily L as in \u201clife and then the word TODAY.\u00a0 When you get in touch with us we\u2019ll let you know how you can have a copy of Rick\u2019s book sent to you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWell, you know next week it\u2019s going to be Christmas day, and then the week after that it\u2019s going to be 2010 so just a couple of weeks left in the year, and a couple of weeks left for us to take advantage of the matching gift opportunity that has been extended to us here during December.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe had some friends of the ministry who came to us back before the month began, and they said, We want to encourage <em>FamilyLife Today <\/em>listeners to consider making a year-end contribution to help support the ministry of <em>FamilyLife Today <\/em>and to do that they said we\u2019d like to make a matching gift available.\u00a0 After we had heard from a handful of families the total amount of that matching gift had grown to actually the largest matching gift opportunity we\u2019ve ever had here at year-end at FamilyLife, and that is $1,250,000. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe\u2019ve already heard from a number of listeners who have called in and said We want to be a part of helping to support the ministry, and see our donation be doubled.\u00a0 Thanks to those of you who have already called in or gone on-line to make a donation:\u00a0 We appreciate it.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe still have a ways to go so we\u2019re hoping you will consider today either calling 1-800-FLTODAY \u2013 make a donation over the phone or go on-line at FamilyLifeToday.com and make your donation online.\u00a0 When you do, whatever that donation is it\u2019s going to be matched dollar for dollar up to a total of $1.25 million dollars.\u00a0 So, again we hope to hear from you, and I want to say, Thanks in advance for whatever you\u2019re able to do in helping to support this radio ministry. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe hope you have a great weekend.\u00a0 I hope you and your family are able to worship together this weekend, and I hope you can be back with us on Monday when Dr. Al Mohler is going to join us.\u00a0 We\u2019re going to talk about how we walk as followers of Christ in a culture where the very existence of God is being called into question regularly.\u00a0 I hope you can join us for that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today Keith Lynch and our entire broadcast production team on behalf of our host Dennis Rainey, I\u2019m Bob Lepine.\u00a0 We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHelp for today.\u00a0 Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts for you. However, there is a cost to transcribe, create, and produce them for our website. If you've benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright \u00a9 FamilyLife. 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