{"id":301911,"date":"2009-10-27T11:00:00","date_gmt":"2009-10-27T15:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/enjoying-your-toddler\/"},"modified":"2009-10-27T11:00:00","modified_gmt":"2009-10-27T15:00:00","slug":"enjoying-your-toddler","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/enjoying-your-toddler\/","title":{"rendered":"Enjoying Your Toddler"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>What issues are you most likely to face with your toddler?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2009-10-27.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:","filesize":"12.14M","filesize_raw":"12730479","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2881],"tags":[4759,4994],"podcast_series":[7682],"cwp_profile":[9179],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-301911","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-young-children","tag-discipline","tag-first-baby","podcast_series-birth-to-five","cwp_profile-brenda-nixon","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/301911\/enjoying-your-toddler","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/301911\/enjoying-your-toddler","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"djBK6PirUj\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/enjoying-your-toddler\/\">Enjoying Your Toddler<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/enjoying-your-toddler\/embed\/#?secret=djBK6PirUj\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Enjoying Your Toddler&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"djBK6PirUj\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var 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toddler?","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2009-10-27.pdf","transcript_content":"<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brenda:<\/strong>\u00a0 In the toddler years when they are 18 months old they begin sometimes screaming and crying even on the way to church and that is called anticipatory separation anxiety.\u00a0 They are anticipating they are going to be separated from mom or dad or big sister of whoever drops them off in the church nursery.\u00a0 One of the best things parents can do is hug their baby and say I love you and I remember where you are and I will be back.\u00a0 Turn and leave.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Tuesday, October 27<sup>th<\/sup>.\u00a0 Our host is the President of FamilyLife, Dennis Rainey, and I am Bob Lepine.\u00a0 We are going to talk today about separation anxiety and the number of issues that parents face when they are raising toddlers.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>!\u00a0 Thanks for joining us.\u00a0 I was thinking about this before I came in here today.\u00a0 I was thinking which is harder taking a child through year 14 or year 2 of their life?\u00a0 I was thinking it probably depends on which parent you ask, you know what I mean?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 And what sex the child is.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, that could have something to do with it too.\u00a0 But I was thinking for a lot of dads we\u2019d look and we go two wasn\u2019t that hard.\u00a0 I don\u2019t remember anything being particularly challenging about that year.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 That is because he was mindless during that period of time.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 He was away somewhere.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 No doubt about it.\u00a0 Well I would give it a toss up.\u00a0 That would be how I would answer it because you have similar issues during both stages of development.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Really?\u00a0 You think year two and year 14 are kind of parallel tracks?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\u00a0 Rebellion and issues of identity.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brenda:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Independence.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 No doubt about it.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brenda:<\/strong>\u00a0 Power and control.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 At all stages.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brenda:<\/strong>\u00a0 Wanting to make all the decisions.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 No doubt about it.\u00a0 Well, that is our guest on today\u2019s broadcast.\u00a0 We should have just given her this choice Bob.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, that\u2019s right.\u00a0 Rolled it out for you.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Brenda Nixon joins us again.\u00a0 Thanks Brenda for coming back with us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brenda:<\/strong>\u00a0 Thank you.\u00a0 It\u2019s great to be on board.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Brenda is a speaker and writer.\u00a0 She\u2019s written a book called <em>The Birth to Five Book: Confident Child Rearing Right From the Start<\/em>.\u00a0 She has two children and has been married for more than 30 years to her husband.\u00a0 She knows what she is talking about.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOne of the things we haven\u2019t talked about this week is the issue of attachment and bonding with a child.\u00a0 We know that is important during the first months of life but attachment disorder can be\u00a0 a big deal as a child begins to come through this phase, right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brenda:<\/strong>\u00a0 Absolutely.\u00a0 Without getting to technical or into a lot of the neurological science the brain basically has the first 12 months to lay the neuro-pathways to emotions.\u00a0 When the emotional connections are made and strengthened through repeated hugging and touching and holding and soothing voices and having needs met the child develops a strong emotional attachment to the primary care giver which we hope is mom or dad.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe first 12 months are the most important.\u00a0 Often if a child is neglected because a parent has drug abuse or they are institutionalized and neglected from the third world and they don\u2019t have a lot of touching and opportunities to bond and develop those neuro-pathways in the brain for emotional connection they are going to have a tough time.\u00a0 They are going to have some attachment issues.\u00a0 There is attachment issues, attachment disorder and then worst is called reactive attachment disorder or RAD.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 What is that?\u00a0 If attachment disorder is that a child doesn\u2019t want to be separated from mom or dad, is that what attachment disorder is?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brenda:<\/strong>\u00a0 Reactive attachment disorder is almost the opposite.\u00a0 They become so self sufficient it\u2019s like they are saying to themselves on a less than conscious level nobody takes care of me, nobody loves me so I will take care of myself.\u00a0 I am in charge and they become highly controlling, manipulative people.\u00a0\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Even at 12 months old?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brenda:<\/strong>\u00a0 Oh, yes, toddlerhood, teenager, and on into life.\u00a0 Often children who are maybe in a situation where they have been chronically neglected and they have some reactive attachment disorder it takes professional counseling to help the parents and the whole family and the child through this.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 You casually mentioned a child coming from a third world country you\u2019re speaking at this point of adoption and some of these issues can be found in children who are adopted.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brenda:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes and some adoption situations in some countries they are institutionalized.\u00a0 They are put in a crib so that they are confined and safe but they are given minimal attention and loving and toys.\u00a0\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI had a friend in Kansas City who adopted this charming little Chinese baby and her hands were always fisted.\u00a0 She did not know how to open her hands and play with a toy because she was never given toys in her crib.\u00a0 So for the first 12 months of her life she was just in this crib by herself.\u00a0 She literally did not know how to play.\u00a0 They had to go through physical therapy and teach their daughter to open her hand and to feel toys and teddy bears and get that tactile sensation. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Here\u2019s the kind of scenario though that I\u2019m thinking of as I think this whole attachment issue.\u00a0 Mom and dad have worked really hard to make sure there is bonding and that the child feels love, secure, and comfortable.\u00a0 Now the child is 18 months old and we take the child to the nursery for Sunday school on Sunday morning and as soon as we start heading down the hallway the child starts screaming bloody murder.\u00a0 You have to pry him off your body to hand them to the poor volunteer who is there in the nursery who is receiving this child.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 And you think you are punishing the volunteer at that point with this screeching child.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 The child is throwing a fit and you pry the child away and you try to walk away and you hear the screaming goes on for 10 or 15 minutes.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brenda:<\/strong>\u00a0 Been there, done that.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 If you are a parent in that situation I have a couple of questions.\u00a0 First, how do you keep that from happening when you get there on Sunday morning and then secondly what do you do if it does happen on a Sunday morning?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brenda: <\/strong>\u00a0Those are very good questions.\u00a0 First of all what you are describing is called separation anxiety and the onset of that is 8-10 months of age.\u00a0 So actually they begin that even before their first birthday and then it can resurface again in the toddler years.\u00a0 It can resurface in preschool.\u00a0 It can resurface the first week they go off to kindergarten.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBasically what that is saying to you and when I give workshops on separation anxiety and how to handle it I explain that it is sort of a celebration in a backhanded way because it\u2019s showing you that your child has developed memory.\u00a0 When they are born they have no memory but by the time they are 8-10 months of age they have started to developing memory for that primary caretaker and developing a bond.\u00a0 They are literally going through an anxiety that this person is leaving their life and since they can\u2019t tell time they have no concept of time they just think out of sight means they are gone.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn the toddler years when they are 18 months old they begin sometimes screaming and crying even on the way to church and that is called anticipatory separation anxiety.\u00a0 They are anticipating they are going to be separated from mom or dad or big sister of whoever drops them off in the church nursery.\u00a0 They are literally going through an anxiety phase.\u00a0 One of the best things parents can do is hug their baby and say I love you and I remember where you are and I will be back.\u00a0 Turn and leave.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Don\u2019t look back over your shoulder.\u00a0\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brenda:<\/strong>\u00a0 Do not look back.\u00a0 Do not linger.\u00a0 Do not pass go and collect $200.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t(laughter)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJust get out of there.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Leave them with the poor helpless volunteer.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brenda:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes and more often than not within three to five minutes babies calm down.\u00a0 Here again you\u2019ve allowed the gift of time to teach self calming skills.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0 Now if your little beeper goes off in church or the number flashes on the screen or somebody comes and taps you on the shoulder 10 or 15 minutes later or 30 minutes later.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brenda:<\/strong>\u00a0 Go respond.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 You think if I respond am I setting myself up for the same thing to happen next week and the week after that.\u00a0 Is there any way to break this cycle?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brenda:<\/strong>\u00a0 The first and most important rule is \u201cI love you.\u00a0 I remember where you are.\u00a0 I\u2019ll be back.\u201d\u00a0 Turn and leave.\u00a0 If you still get that phone call in 10 minutes from the church nursery saying you need to come and get your child go ahead and go in.\u00a0 Give reassurance but leave your child in that situation because if you rescue your child and take them out to sit with you in church they are getting the message you can\u2019t handle this so you have to be with me in order to cope with life.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 It is back to the premise that your children are better students of you than you are of them.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brenda:<\/strong>\u00a0 That\u2019s absolutely right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0 We didn\u2019t experience anything like this but we did have situations where our kids were falling into patterns and we were actually enabling their patterns as they were growing up.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brenda:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, and you don\u2019t realize it.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 What we found ourselves doing was starting to rehearse ahead of the actual event with the child.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brenda:<\/strong>\u00a0 That\u2019s good.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Sure.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 We would say things the week before like \u201cSunday when we go to church we are going to take you to the nursery and you\u2019re going to play and it will be fun. You\u2019ll have a good time.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brenda:<\/strong>\u00a0 Good for you.\u00a0 That\u2019s good.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 We\u2019d talk that through and you\u2019d think with an 18 month old would they even understand nursery and church but just using those words and then there were other times when you might take a child up to the church mid week and walk in and say this is the nursery.\u00a0 On Sunday this is where we are going to leave you and you are going to be here.\u00a0 You start teaching the child to be ready for this event so that when Sunday morning comes their not as taken by surprise because you have been prepping them all week.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes and here is where dad\u2019s must step in because dads can be and should be more objective in my opinion in helping their wives turn and walk away from the child who is crying.\u00a0 Dads help your wife by asking her to take your arm, turn and don\u2019t let her look back over her shoulder because I promise you that child has some kind of extraterrestrial radar that is waiting for any bit of her countenance.\u00a0 That child will catch it and figure it out.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat really leads me to another area this is of utmost importance and that is throwing fits.\u00a0 We went through a deal where kids would throw fits in grocery stores.\u00a0 So we would do the thing you are talking about Bob.\u00a0 We would talk with the children before we went into the grocery store.\u00a0 Here\u2019s what you are going to do.\u00a0 You are going to stay in the grocery cart.\u00a0 Mom is going to push you down the aisle or dad will.\u00a0 We are going to get food.\u00a0 You are not going to reach out and grab things.\u00a0 If you do here is what will happen.\u00a0 If you disobey here is what will happen.\u00a0 So you help them understand some consequences.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat I want to know from you are what have been your best tips and techniques in terms of handling a toddler\u2019s temper tantrum?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brenda:<\/strong>\u00a0 I love what you share because what you did was proactive.\u00a0 When I talk to parents about discipline I encourage them to remember the best discipline or the most effective discipline is proactive.\u00a0 Have your plan in mind and tell your child your expectations.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMost children disobey because they are unclear of what the parent expects of them.\u00a0 When you do this kind of rehearsal you are telling your child what you expect and here is what will happen if you do or if you don\u2019t corporate.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMost parents need to remember that shopping is an adult activity.\u00a0 You take a child to the store with you and they are going to be bored.\u00a0 So you are asking for them to start acting up, whining, wanting to climb out of the cart or run up and down aisles.\u00a0 Or play hide and seek in the dressing room.\u00a0 Just remember that if it is possible try to get someone to watch your child when you go shopping because it is no fun for them.\u00a0 It\u2019s like if you had to spend all day at McDonalds in the big pool of balls that they have there.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I like this idea the best.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 I wish we could call my mom right now she loves to tell this story.\u00a0 I was 4 or 5 years old when my mom said we are going shopping.\u00a0 I said are we going to a toy store or a ladies store?\u00a0 She said, why?\u00a0 I said because if we are going to a ladies store I\u2019m not going to behave.\u00a0 If we are going to a toy store I\u2019ll behave.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brenda:<\/strong>\u00a0 See you already knew it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t(laughter)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 I just put her on notice right there.\u00a0 You\u2019re right a child who is bored is going to find ways to deal with the boredom and typically not very constructive ways to do it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brenda:<\/strong>\u00a0 Exactly because they don\u2019t know what is an appropriate way to self entertain.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Right.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brenda:<\/strong>\u00a0 That is something the parents have to teach them as well.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 It doesn\u2019t mean that you cater to the child necessarily.\u00a0 They do need to learn some of these things but you also have to be wise as a parent and say where is the child\u2019s tolerance?\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brenda:<\/strong>\u00a0 Exactly.\u00a0 Don\u2019t get in a situation where you are straining a child\u2019s ability to cooperate.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Let\u2019s talk about a child though that is pitching a fit and throwing himself or herself on the kitchen floor.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brenda:<\/strong>\u00a0 Okay I\u2019ve been there done that.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t(laughter)\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 We have, too.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brenda:<\/strong>\u00a0 I mean not us as adults, my children.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0 Frankly there have been a few times I would have like to reverse the psychology on them but how do you handle the situation?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brenda:<\/strong>\u00a0 I\u2019ve had some parents say they do that.\u00a0 They will do what their child is doing and mirror it.\u00a0 And it turns into a laughing thing.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 No.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brenda:<\/strong>\u00a0 The best thing for parents to do and I sometimes get parents saying no--no that doesn\u2019t make sense because it sounds like you are condoning it.\u00a0 The best thing to do is ignore the behavior if it is non destructive.\u00a0\u00a0 If they are injuring themselves or kicking your walls or doing something that is hostile you can\u2019t ignore it.\u00a0 If they are just pitching a fit on the floor screaming and hollering ignore it and walk out of the room.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe best way to extinguish negative behavior is to ignore it.\u00a0 Because we want to affirm their self calming skills the minute they calm down then you say wow, I like the way you are acting now.\u00a0 Then give them eye contact and attention.\u00a0 You are sending the message that the way to get my attention is to have a normal tone of voice and not be crying or screaming.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen parents are out in public like my daughter Lindsey she threw a big hissy fit in a McDonalds store one day and what we did was we scooped her up and took her out to the car and just sat quietly alone in the car.\u00a0 We were eliminating all the stimulation of the lights and sound and noise.\u00a0 We didn\u2019t even talk to her but we let the quietness of the car help her to calm down and once she gained control then we gave her attention and said now we are going to go back in and we expect you to sit and eat and talk in your big girl voice and not scream.\u00a0 So you can sometimes remove them from the public situation until the calm down and then go back to it.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 See this is back to what I\u2019ve already talked about this week kind of the animal training tips.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t(laughter)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I was actual thinking of scientific research that has proven that there is no brain damage in children who scream.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t(laughter)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNo, the brain damage occurs in the parent.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t(laughter)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd that\u2019s why we as parents need to remove ourselves or the child so that they no longer have an audience.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brenda:<\/strong>\u00a0 Exactly, because kids love to perform before their favorite audience mom or dad.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 One of the issues that often emerges in the toddler years is the issue of how we are going to transition from diapers to potty training.\u00a0 Are we going to use pull ups?\u00a0 How do we get from here to there?\u00a0 Is there a time you start that with a child?\u00a0 Does the child signal some way to let you know they are ready to start to be potty trained?\u00a0 How do you engage that whole process?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brenda:<\/strong>\u00a0 If we are a student of our child and we observe our child we will see a list of readiness signs that they are ready to learn.\u00a0 Toilet teaching is about learning this huge massive complicated mile stone.\u00a0 It\u2019s not an age issue.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn fact, there was research published several years ago in the journal Pediatrics and it said about 82 percent of children do learn between the second and third birthday.\u00a0 There is a percentage who can learn prior to turning two and there are about four percent who learn after their third birthday.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Four percent did you say?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brenda:<\/strong>\u00a0 Four percent are still learning toileting control after their third birthday.\u00a0 So there is a pretty wide window here on what is normal.\u00a0 Don\u2019t look at a calendar and let a calendar tell you how to parent.\u00a0 Watch your child and see if there are signs of readiness.\u00a0 Do they have the language skills in place?\u00a0 The whole teaching process is a communicative process.\u00a0 You have to be able to talk to them and they have to hear and understand words and use words.\u00a0 Do they have the motor skills to remove their clothes?\u00a0 Do they have the cognitive skills to remember where is the potty located and do they like to copy your behavior?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThere is a whole slew of readiness signs so it isn\u2019t an age issue as much as it is a readiness to learn issue.\u00a0 Just like you wouldn\u2019t give car keys to your Beamer to your four year old and say hey, I think you need to learn how to drive my Beamer.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brenda:<\/strong>\u00a0 You have to wait until they are truly ready and mature.\u00a0 I know parents want to get out of diapers because they are expensive but if you impose this on your child as your will they will dig in their heels.\u00a0 They will feel it as an imposition and it is going to set up a battle of wills.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Sometime in 24-36 months is probably the general window?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brenda:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 And you look for those signs that a child might be ready and then how do you get from I think he is ready to okay he is done.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brenda:<\/strong>\u00a0 Get everybody in the home on the same page.\u00a0 Everybody is going to use the same words and decide what equipment you are going to use.\u00a0 Some people want an insert and some people want a potty chair.\u00a0 They are coming out with fancy ones now.\u00a0 I think they have sun roofs on them and cups and the ipod and everything.\u00a0 Heated seats.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t(laughter)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDecide what you are going to use and take your child with you to pick out their big boy or big girl panties because if a child is invested in that decision they are more committed to the outcome.\u00a0 If you take your toddler with you and say we are going to start going to the potty now and you are going to put your poop and pee in the potty let\u2019s pick out the kind of pants you wear.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe child will be more committed to that because they have had some say so in that decision.\u00a0 Then the parents have to commit the time and energy.\u00a0 You can\u2019t put him in pull ups Monday through Friday and on the weekends because you are running around doing errands and stuff put him back in diapers.\u00a0 That is confusing.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 In all these issues that we are talking about with toddlers and there are many more we didn\u2019t discuss how they will step over the boundary after you\u2019ve made it clear where they are to go.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brenda:<\/strong>\u00a0 Always.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 What they are to do or not to do.\u00a0 Toddlers is a time of testing.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brenda:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 It\u2019s them testing you, your limits, boundaries, life, and their identity.\u00a0 Who they are and who they aren\u2019t.\u00a0 It\u2019s also a time of testing for parents.\u00a0 Are they going to be the ones who are in charge and calling the shots for the future in terms of leading a child where he or she should go and how they should behave.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brenda:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I want encourage parents be the parent.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brenda: <\/strong>\u00a0Thank you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 You can be a friend to your child.\u00a0 I believe in relationships and loving and holding them and setting them on your lap and reading to them and all the attachment and bonding issues.\u00a0 That need to be in place but the child is in need of a parent.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brenda:<\/strong>\u00a0 Amen.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 You need to be empowered as a parent.\u00a0 When you don\u2019t feel like you are in control step away from the battle.\u00a0 Get control.\u00a0 Pray.\u00a0 Ask God to give you perspective and wisdom.\u00a0 God can meet you in your circumstances through the scriptures, prayer, and you walking in the power of the Holy Spirit.\u00a0 He can give you direction, wisdom, understanding and a game plan.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI would encourage you.\u00a0 I\u2019ll go back to what I said earlier I\u2019d encourage you to talk with your husband or your spouse around the situation and talk about how you need a plan to be able to raise these children.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 For both of you to be on the same page I think you have to start at the starting point that you are talking about which is the scriptures.\u00a0 To have the counsel and wisdom of parents who have been there and who have tried to live out what the Bible teaches as they raise their children that is invaluable as well.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBrenda\u2019s book <em>The Birth to Five Book<\/em> is a great resource for moms and dads as you raise your kids through the toddler years and the DVD series that we have put together with you and your wife Barbara offers insight on early childhood discipline.\u00a0 That is available now for parents as well.\u00a0 Sunday school classes can use it and small groups too.\u00a0 You can show it for the entire church.\u00a0 You can sit down as parents and watch it together as you get ready to raise your toddler.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThere is information about Brenda\u2019s book and the <em>Right From the Start<\/em> DVD series on our web site FamilyLife Today.com.\u00a0 We also have posted from Brenda\u2019s book a list of many of the fears and unknowns that new moms face in those toddler years.\u00a0 Again you\u2019ll find that at FamilyLife Today.com\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou can also call toll free 1-800-FL-TODAY.\u00a0\u00a0 That\u2019s 1-800-358-6329.\u00a0 That\u2019s 1-800\u201cF\u201d as in Family \u201cL\u201d as in Life and then the word TODAY.\u00a0 Someone on our team can let you know how you can get a copy about any of the resources we\u2019ve talked about here today.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAs we were raising our children in the toddler years one of the things Mary Ann was very diligent to do was to teach the kids to say thank you.\u00a0 In fact I remember with a couple of the kids before they could even speak she had taught them how to sign thank you as a way when mom would bring the food over.\u00a0 She taught them how to say thank you in sign language.\u00a0 This was a core value for her and it has paid off as I\u2019ve seen our kids develop and cultivate a heart of gratitude.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to make sure that we always appropriately say thank you to those of you who help support the ministry of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 Those of you who donate to this ministry make this radio program possible.\u00a0 You make our web site possible.\u00a0 The outreaches of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> could not happen if it weren\u2019t for folks like you providing the financial support.\u00a0 We do appreciate it.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn fact this month if you are able to help with a donation of any amount we\u2019d like to say thank you in a very tangible way.\u00a0 We\u2019d like to send you Barbara Rainey\u2019s audio book <em>Thanksgiving:<\/em><em>\u00a0 <\/em><em>A Time to Remember<\/em>.\u00a0 This has been produced and read by a dramatic actor.\u00a0 It\u2019s got sound affects and music.\u00a0 It really brings to life the thanksgiving story and the CD is our thank you gift to you when you make a donation this month in support of the ministry of FamilyLife Today.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you are making that donation on line at FamilyLife Today.com you can type the word \u201cTHANKSGIVING\u201d in the key code box on the on line donation form.\u00a0 Or if you call 1-800-FL-TODAY to make a donation just ask for a copy of the Thanksgiving audio book and we are happy to send it to you.\u00a0 Again, I want to say thank you for your financial support.\u00a0 We do appreciate you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTomorrow we are going to be back with our guest Brenda Nixon to talk more about parenting during the toddler years and beyond.\u00a0 I hope you can tune in for that.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer Keith Lynch and our entire broadcast production team.\u00a0 On behalf of our host Dennis Rainey, I\u2019m Bob Lepine.\u00a0 We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas.\u00a0 Help for today, hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe 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