{"id":301830,"date":"2009-05-29T11:00:00","date_gmt":"2009-05-29T15:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/expectations-and-adjustments-part-4\/"},"modified":"2009-05-29T11:00:00","modified_gmt":"2009-05-29T15:00:00","slug":"expectations-and-adjustments-part-4","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/expectations-and-adjustments-part-4\/","title":{"rendered":"Expectations and Adjustments, Part 4"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>Have you really studied your wife?  Today, Dennis Rainey uncovers some of the best-kept secrets for loving and romancing your wife.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Have you really studied your wife?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2009-05-29.mp3","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:","filesize":"12.32M","filesize_raw":"12916074","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2808],"tags":[4035,4034],"podcast_series":[7649],"cwp_profile":[],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-301830","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-newlyweds","tag-first-year-of-marriage","tag-newlyweds","podcast_series-starting-your-marriage-right-2009","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/301830\/expectations-and-adjustments-part-4","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/301830\/expectations-and-adjustments-part-4","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"MsLEQtTG3M\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/expectations-and-adjustments-part-4\/\">Expectations and Adjustments, Part 4<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/expectations-and-adjustments-part-4\/embed\/#?secret=MsLEQtTG3M\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Expectations and Adjustments, Part 4&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"MsLEQtTG3M\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2009-05-29.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2009-05-29.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 This is Dennis Rainey.\u00a0 Before we start today\u2019s program I\u2019ve got some good news and some great news.\u00a0 As many of you know we\u2019ve had a matching gift challenge during the month of May of $356,000.\u00a0 That challenge has been met.\u00a0 To those of you who gave I want to say thank you.\u00a0 Thank you for your generous financial support.\u00a0 As you\u2019ve heard me say more than once this has been a tough year for us here at FamilyLife.\u00a0\u00a0 And your donations this month have given us a huge boost.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow for the great news.\u00a0 In our excitement last week we shared with a number of our friends how well the match had been going and how it was about to be met.\u00a0 You know what they encouraged us to do?\u00a0 Keep it going.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn fact they committed another $170,000 in matching funds.\u00a0 They wanted to extend this matching challenge through Sunday night.\u00a0 That\u2019s an additional $170,000 good for all gifts we receive by this Sunday night.\u00a0 That means we only have three days left now.\u00a0 Here\u2019s what I\u2019m asking.\u00a0 Would you do whatever you can do this week?\u00a0 Keeping in mind that your gift will be doubled up to $170,000.\u00a0 Help us take full advantage of these new matching funds that will enable us to stay on this radio station and our full network of stations all across the country.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow I want you to hear me on this.\u00a0 To try to raise this amount of money in this period of time is a huge challenge.\u00a0 So would you pray.\u00a0 And would you consider giving so that we can take full advantage of this $170,000 of matching money.\u00a0 You can donate online at FamilyLifeToday.com or you can donate by phone 1-800-FLTODAY.\u00a0 Again I want to say thank you for your ongoing support of FamilyLife especially during these financially challenging times.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Remember when you were single and you used to feel this way?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Music excerpt: \u201cMr. Lonely.\u201d]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And welcome to \u201cFamilyLife Today.\u201d\u00a0 Thanks for joining us on the Friday \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tedition.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> It\u2019s too bad that some of our younger listeners don\u2019t really appreciate \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> [Chuckles] \u2026 our host is the President of FamilyLife, Dennis Rainey \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2026 vintage music.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2026 who was in high school when that song was popular.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yeah, I used to go to sleep with it, you know.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Listened to it on the radio.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yep, I was lonely, too; single guy.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Well, and a lot of folks who are single and they think, if I could just find the right person and settle in, get married.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> That\u2019s why this subject is kind of a surprise, that you\u2019d drop it in the middle of a \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tnewly married series that we\u2019re doing here all this week, and expectations that we have of our spouse.\u00a0 But loneliness is one that kind of creeps in and seeps in at the edges and the corners of a relationship, and we don\u2019t think we\u2019re going to have to deal with loneliness in marriage, let alone early in our marriage.\u00a0 But this is an adjustment that is unexpected, Bob, in many, many marriages.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You and your wife, Barbara, have written a book called <em>Starting Your <\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong><em>\u00a0<\/em><\/strong><em>Marriage Right<\/em> where you deal with a number of these difficult adjustments and \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\texpectations that are brought into a marriage relationship.\u00a0 And I think it does surprise a lot of couples to find that there\u2019s a chapter in the book on the subject of loneliness in the same way that it surprises them to begin to experience loneliness early in their marriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI was talking to a friend of mine just recently.\u00a0 His daughter had gotten married a number of years ago and she and her husband had gone on their honeymoon and then headed off to pilot training school in Del Rio, Texas.\u00a0 Have you ever been to Del Rio?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> No, I\u2019ve heard of it.\u00a0 You can see the end of the \u2026 the earth from there, can\u2019t you?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> [Chuckles.]\u00a0 It\u2019s right on the border with Mexico and it\u2019s right in the middleof \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tnowhere, basically.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Right.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And in the first few months of their marriage he would leave every morning to go \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tto training at 7:00 in the morning, get back about 7:00 at night and they\u2019d have dinner together, and then he had to study for the next day.\u00a0 She had been moved out of her hometown to her new life with her new husband in Del Rio, Texas and he was gone or he was studying, and she was lonely.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And I\u2019ll tell you, you just ticked off several important things: new town; new \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tfriends; new church; all the support system of mom and dad, it\u2019s gone; brothers and sisters most likely don\u2019t live around you.\u00a0 And I\u2019m going to tell you something.\u00a0 Loneliness early in marriage is a reality to be reckoned with.\u00a0 And at some point in every marriage, Bob \u2026 it may not always occur early in the marriage, but loneliness is a visitor to all marriages.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd the reason is is we get married for intimacy, yet in the process of pursuing our spouse there will be moments when you miss each other, and when you miss each other that\u2019s going to be called loneliness.\u00a0 Your spouse simply is not going to understand how you feel, where you are.\u00a0 In the midst of that you feel lonely.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And because the expectation is that marriage is going to lead you to a new level of intimacy, when you start to feel lonely it\u2019s a new level of loneliness; a more profound \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tloneliness than maybe you\u2019ve ever experienced in your life.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> That\u2019s right.\u00a0 And the solution to this area is, number one, realize it\u2019s visitor to all marriages; secondly, realize that you have the rest of your lives together to get to know one another.\u00a0 Don\u2019t feel like this state of loneliness that you may have fallen into temporarily is going to be a regular, familiar guest or visitor in your marriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You and I know that we\u2019ve heard from some listeners who write and say, I\u2019ve been married for 15 or 20 years and I\u2019ve been profoundly lonely during that whole time because I\u2019ve never experienced the intimacy that I had hoped to experience.\u00a0 But you\u2019re right, in the early days it takes us by surprise.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And that\u2019s when we as a couple need to sit down and begin the process of learning how to meet on another\u2019s needs.\u00a0 And one of the realizations you may come to early in your marriage is that your spouse is not capable of meeting all of the relational needs you hoped he would meet, or she would meet, in your marriage.\u00a0 And at that point I believe you\u2019ve got to take the yardstick that we talked about earlier in the week, and I believe you have to lower your expectations and realize that there are expectations that we have that God never intended for us to have met in our spouse.\u00a0 I believe He leaves some of those unmet so that we will seek and pursue Him.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Your spouse ought to be your best friend, but not your only friend.\u00a0 And you\u2019re right, our relationship with the Lord is one place where some of these needs are going to be met, but there are also relationships with other people, in our community, in our churches, in this case on the Air Force base, other wives who are sitting home while their husbands are off at flight training school.\u00a0 We can connect relationally with others and help have some of those needs met.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> One of the mistakes I made early in our marriage is I did not realize how much Barbara needed outside relationships with other newly married women and with older married women to identify with as a woman.\u00a0 Maybe it was a Bible study, maybe it was Titus 2 woman in her life to mentor her, encourage her.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut, Bob, this area of loneliness is one that most likely either 50 percent of the marriage or 100 percent, both parties are going to need to have addressed early on in a marriage relationship.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> This issue of loneliness could have blown up into a whole new issue for this couple because a week and a half into the marriage the daughter called her daddy, and she began to talk about her loneliness and how things felt.\u00a0 And he said, \u201cThe impulse was so strong to do what daddy\u2019s do,\u201d and that was to try to rescue his daughter from this loneliness.\u00a0 But he said, \u201cI had to point her back to her husband and to her marriage and give her some coaching and pray with her.\u201d\u00a0 And he said, \u201cIt was hard to hang up the phone and not want to go fix it,\u201d but that\u2019s what a dad\u2019s got to do because parents need to help their children early in their marriage leave and cleave, and they don\u2019t want to become meddling in-laws in this situation either.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> In-laws.\u00a0 Now, the very mention of that to some of our audience, they go into withdrawal even as I speak, Bob, because this does represent a huge area of adjustment for couples as they begin their marriage together.\u00a0 And the reason is is we all come from families that are different.\u00a0 These families value different things, they relate to one another differently, they have these styles of how they get together and \u2026 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI mean, for instance \u2026 and I\u2019ll never forget this, but Barbara had an aunt in her family who, at one of our first family reunions or get-togethers with her extended family, this one aunt came towards me wanting to kiss me.\u00a0 She had bright red lipstick.\u00a0 You know, we don\u2019t do that in my family.\u00a0 And I\u2019ll never forget, she \u2026 it was a glancing blow off of the cheek.\u00a0 I think I \u2026 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0 You turned it just in time.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2026 I turned it just in time.\u00a0 But I remember \u2026 I remember going, this is really \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tdifferent, different expectations.\u00a0 And, Bob, these issues of differing expectations couples must begin to talk about.\u00a0 And you need to work it through and begin to hammer out your game plan of how you\u2019re going to manage these differing expectations.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I was speaking at a FamilyLife Marriage Conference in Colorado and a \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tcouple came up to me, not yet married but planning to get married against the wishes of this young woman\u2019s parents.\u00a0 And we talked through what the issues were and why they were opposed and how these folks had tried to resolve it, and I had to end, Dennis, by saying to them, when a couple marries with one or both sets of parents not approving of the marriage, it doesn\u2019t matter how much you love each other, it doesn\u2019t matter how committed you are to one another, you are walking into a set of difficulties, a set of challenges that are going to \u2026 well, they\u2019re going to be an assault on your oneness in your marriage relationship.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> That\u2019s right.\u00a0 And in those situations, if I\u2019m speaking right now to an engaged couple, better that you delay your marriage and resolve the issues with your parents or with your future spouse\u2019s parents than begin your relationship in the midst of a deficit that Bob\u2019s talking about.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhy?\u00a0 Because when you get married it\u2019s not just two people who marry.\u00a0 It\u2019s two families that come together.\u00a0 And I think if there\u2019s anything that demands a lot of conversation with your spouse, it is talking about how you\u2019re going to go about spending your holidays, how you\u2019re going to go about calling home, how often you\u2019re going to call home, whether or not you\u2019re going to receive money from your parents, how much money would you receive from them, would you receive it if they attempt to control you or manipulate you by giving you money?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAll of these issues of how you\u2019re going to relate to parents and deal with their expectations are very, very important.\u00a0 You have to make the adjustments.\u00a0 If you don\u2019t I think the potential for a division in your marriage is great.\u00a0 Let me just give you an illustration of what I\u2019m talking about here, for instance holidays.\u00a0 Did you have a struggle with that early in your marriage, Bob, about where you went at Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Here\u2019s what happened.\u00a0 We lived in the same town with Mary Ann\u2019s parents, and so Christmas morning was spent at Mary Ann\u2019s house with all her brothers and sisters and \u2026 it\u2019s kind of where we had Christmas.\u00a0 And then usually we\u2019d get in the car and we\u2019d drive up and see my parents in another city.\u00a0 And I remember after about the fourth or maybe the fifth year of that I remember my mom just expressing that it was disappointing to them that we were never there on Christmas morning.\u00a0 Now, we were usually there on Christmas afternoon and I never stopped to think about, Christmas morning.\u00a0 Christmas afternoon we were usually always there.\u00a0 But as a parent and having navigated my way through Christmases with kids in the house I can understand where parents fall into patterns and habits and expectations and life experiences, and all of a sudden all the kids are gone and it\u2019s Christmas morning and it\u2019s just the two of you and there are no kids around.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I don\u2019t have a lot of absolutes, Bob, around issues that are really ancillary to scripture, all right, but this is an absolute that I would encourage every newly married couple to do in their marriage.\u00a0 You can go to your parent\u2019s house or to your spouse\u2019s parents\u2019 house for the first two or three Christmases on Christmas morning, and you can still be a part of what\u2019s been your tradition and your experience as a young person growing up.\u00a0 But after year three, stay in your own home on Christmas morning and begin to establish your own traditions, your own experience and your own memories.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd this becomes especially true, Bob, if, during the first three years of your relationship there\u2019s been something toddled into your relationship called children.\u00a0 And, yes, they need to go to grandparents \u2026 and you need to know, at this point I am a grandparent and I know what I\u2019m saying here.\u00a0 But there comes a time when grandparents need to realize that if they\u2019re going to see the grandchildren on Christmas Day, it may mean that they are the ones who have to get in a car, like Barbara\u2019s parents do.\u00a0 And Barbara\u2019s parents literally travel to our house for Christmas afternoon, and we have another little Christmas time on Christmas afternoon.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob, it\u2019s just a matter of time until those things begin to happen.\u00a0 And so, I want to encourage young married couples to begin to break with some of the age-old traditions.\u00a0 And it\u2019s going to feel funny, it\u2019s going to feel weird \u2026 but this Christmas Ashley and Michael were not there first thing on Christmas morning, but it was right that they were establishing their own traditions.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Typically the issues that young couples experience with in-laws are the control or the interfering issue where her parents or his parents are trying to get involved in the decisions that young couples are making.\u00a0 They\u2019re looking over their shoulders; they\u2019re second-guessing them.\u00a0 How do you deal with that?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Well, there are four areas where expectations with in-laws can bite you.\u00a0 You just mentioned one, control and manipulation\u2014That can occur around money, that can occur around the schedule, around your values \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Holidays, like we\u2019ve just talked about.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> That\u2019s right.\u00a0 That\u2019s another area that it can get you, around holidays. Number three is relationships, and I want to talk about that in a second, and fourth \u2026 the fourth area that can bite you is how you raise your children.\u00a0 And sometimes it\u2019s as harmless as your parents giving your child sugar when you don\u2019t want them to have it.\u00a0 Other times it\u2019s them interfering with scheduling issues of an infant, the disciplining, the character development, the correction.\u00a0 I'm telling you, these get bigger and bigger as we move on.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut let me go back to this subject of relationships and expectations we have with our parents and with our in-laws.\u00a0 When you get married I think a lot of folks think they\u2019re going to move into this family and they\u2019re going to begin to become a heart-and-soul child of your spouse\u2019s family.\u00a0 And I know a young lady who got married, moved into that relationship and wanted to have a deep, profound, abiding friendship with her mother-in-law, and she\u2019s finding her to be like she\u2019s stonewalling her, or keeping her at a distance.\u00a0 And the reality is that mother-in-law may not be able to reach out and may not be able to develop a relationship.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Meanwhile the bride is wondering, is there something wrong with me; who doesn\u2019t my mother-in-law like me?\u00a0 And now all of a sudden she feels like a failure.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And this comes back, ultimately, to how you handle unmet expectations.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHusbands need to step in and talk about these unmet expectations with your bride.\u00a0 And in this situation, that\u2019s what happened.\u00a0 The son stepped in and began to talk honestly and frankly about his mother and who she is as a person.\u00a0 And, you know, you can try to change your parents, you can try to change your mother-in-law, your father-in-law.\u00a0 Basically some of the greatest peace and harmony you\u2019re going to have in that family is when you let go and stop trying to change them, but instead enjoy them for who they are and for who they aren\u2019t, and accept the relationship.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd, yes, you can pray about it and, yes, you can go the second mile with them in an attempt to have a great relationship, but one of the best things that you can do is to reduce your expectations and not expect them to be all that your parents were in your life, not expect them to be perfect, because they haven\u2019t been \u2026 there is only one perfect person \u2026 and not expect them to receive you into their family and graft you in as though you\u2019re the long-lost son or daughter that\u2019s finally come back home.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> A lot of young husbands or young wives will find themselves in the middle\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tof a tug-of-war with mom and dad pulling in one direction and a new spouse pulling in another direction, and they\u2019re trying to please both ends and winding up pleasing neither very well.\u00a0 How do you coach a young bride or a young husband who feels like they\u2019re right in the middle of that tug-of-war?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I would coach the young man to step forward and provide the leadership for their wives and for their marriage and their family as this issue rears its ugly head.\u00a0 And, Bob, it\u2019s not a matter of if; it really is a matter of when.\u00a0 Families are going to have differing values.\u00a0 And a newly married couple has got to have their own set of values and commitments of what they are going to do.\u00a0 At points, that is going to rub your parents or your spouse\u2019s parents the wrong way.\u00a0 It\u2019s not going to be how they\u2019ve done it.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd I\u2019ll tell you, Bob, it takes a wise parent, a wise set of in-laws to keep their mouth shut and stay out of your children\u2019s affairs after they get married.\u00a0 My advice is silence is your friend.\u00a0 Keep your opinions to yourself because they are now on their \u2026 their own, and if they ask for your opinion, then you can give it.\u00a0 But unless they ask for it, my advice is keep it to yourself.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I mentioned earlier the young couple that I had spoken to at a FamilyLife Marriage \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tConference, considering marriage with the potential in-law problems looming on the horizon.\u00a0 The parents did not approve of the young husband and told the daughter she would not have their blessing if she went ahead and married him.\u00a0 As I spoke with them I said, are you ready to face the possibility that you won\u2019t be going home again?\u00a0 Are you ready to walk away from your mom, your dad, to maybe have a baby and no one calls, to have a complete break with your parents, because that could be what you\u2019re walking into.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s hard to raise that issue with couples who are dating because they never really understand what that\u2019s going to feel like.\u00a0 But for a lot of couples there comes a point where the in-law issues can\u2019t be resolved, and at that point you have to say, my marriage relationship is the relationship that God\u2019s calling me to honor. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> The command \u2026 the scripture is to leave, cleave and become one flesh, and your process of leaving your parents means that you are shifting loyalty from your family of origin to your new family and to your spouse, and that\u2019s the cleaving, that\u2019s the commitment.\u00a0 And if there\u2019s ever a question of whose values you\u2019re going to honor, it\u2019s your spouse\u2019s values, it\u2019s who you married; that\u2019s who you\u2019re committed to.\u00a0 And for those who are people pleasers, who find this so tough to choke down \u2026 it\u2019s so difficult to disappoint your parents \u2026 you have to realize that Jesus Christ has called you to be a pleaser first and foremost of your husband, of your wife.\u00a0 And that means that you need to risk displeasing your parents in order to properly meet the needs of your spouse.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, Bob, everything we\u2019ve talked about here as we relate to our parents or our in-laws needs to be done out of Exodus 20:12 \u2026 \u201cHonor your father and mother that your days may be long in the land which the Lord your God gives you.\u201d\u00a0 We need to always, in our relationships with our parents, even as we declare our loyalty to our spouse, we need to make sure we are relating to our parents in honor.\u00a0 But that\u2019s easy to say here in the studio when you\u2019re not talking about volatile issues and the enormous power of parents that \u2026 a daughter has felt for years she\u2019s been controlled by that mother; that son who\u2019s been controlled by his mother or his father.\u00a0 I\u2019m telling you, these things can be brought into a marriage, and these are not small matters.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd we\u2019ve talked quite frequently here all this week as we\u2019ve talked about starting your marriage right.\u00a0 There will be times in your new relationship where you need a mentor, you need a third person, a third party, a mentor to build into your lives and to provide a little wheel alignment, to give you some godly advice and maybe keep you out of the ditch.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> The book, <em>Starting your Marriage Right<\/em> can be a mentor guide for that older couple to help you unpack some of the issues that may pop up in the early years of a marriage relationship.\u00a0 Again, because of the way it\u2019s laid out there are 52 chapters so once a week there is a topic for you to address either when you get together with your mentor couple\u00a0 or when you have your weekly date night as a couple we got couples of the book, <em>Starting your Marriage Right<\/em> in our FamilyLife Resource Center.\u00a0 If you are a newly married couple or you know a newlywed couple or you want to be mentor to a newlywed couple go to a web site FamilyLifeToday.com and you can order copies of this book.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you\u2019re looking for something to add to the toaster that you\u2019re planning to give as a wedding gift you can the book <em>Starting your Marriage Right<\/em> and just put it down in one of the toaster slots.\u00a0 It\u2019ll pop right up.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAgain, our web site is FamilyLifeToday.com.\u00a0 You can also order from us by calling \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t1-800-FL-TODAY.\u00a0 1-800-358-6329. That\u2019s 800-F, as in Family, L as in Life, and then the word Today.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLet me just say if the wedding is still a few months away consider getting a copy of the <em>Preparing for Marriage<\/em> study guide that we\u2019ve put together to supplement the premarital counseling that we hope couples are getting in their local church before they get married.\u00a0 Find out more on our web site FamilyLifeToday.com or call us at 1-800-\u201cF as in Family\u201d \u201cL as in Life,\u201d and then the word Today.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe hope you have a great weekend.\u00a0 We hope you and your family can worship together this weekend.\u00a0 And I hope you can join us back on Monday when we\u2019re going to introduce you to a man who was the second youngest in his family of 17 children.\u00a0 He\u2019s a great guy. R.V. Brown joins us Monday and I hope you can be here to meet him.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer on today\u2019s program, Phil Krause, and our entire broadcast team.\u00a0 On behalf our host, Dennis Rainey, I\u2019m Bob Lepine.\u00a0 We\u2019ll see you Monday for another edition of \u201cFamilyLife Today.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFamilyLife is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas.\u00a0 Help for today.\u00a0 Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts for you. However, there is a cost to transcribe, create, and produce them for our website. If you've benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright \u00a9 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>www.FamilyLife.com<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>"],"_seopress_titles_title":[""],"_seopress_titles_desc":[""],"_seopress_robots_index":[""],"duration":["00:"],"show_notes":[""],"_thumbnail_id":["294104"],"filesize":["12.32M"],"filesize_raw":["12916074"],"_uag_css_file_name":["uag-css-301830.css"],"_uag_js_file_name":["uag-js-301830.js"],"_uag_page_assets":["a:9:{s:3:\"css\";s:82560:\".wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-top svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-top .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: rgba(51,51,51,1);}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-bottom svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-bottom .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: rgba(51,51,51,1);}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f 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you really studied your wife?","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2009-05-29.pdf","transcript_content":"<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 This is Dennis Rainey.\u00a0 Before we start today\u2019s program I\u2019ve got some good news and some great news.\u00a0 As many of you know we\u2019ve had a matching gift challenge during the month of May of $356,000.\u00a0 That challenge has been met.\u00a0 To those of you who gave I want to say thank you.\u00a0 Thank you for your generous financial support.\u00a0 As you\u2019ve heard me say more than once this has been a tough year for us here at FamilyLife.\u00a0\u00a0 And your donations this month have given us a huge boost.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow for the great news.\u00a0 In our excitement last week we shared with a number of our friends how well the match had been going and how it was about to be met.\u00a0 You know what they encouraged us to do?\u00a0 Keep it going.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn fact they committed another $170,000 in matching funds.\u00a0 They wanted to extend this matching challenge through Sunday night.\u00a0 That\u2019s an additional $170,000 good for all gifts we receive by this Sunday night.\u00a0 That means we only have three days left now.\u00a0 Here\u2019s what I\u2019m asking.\u00a0 Would you do whatever you can do this week?\u00a0 Keeping in mind that your gift will be doubled up to $170,000.\u00a0 Help us take full advantage of these new matching funds that will enable us to stay on this radio station and our full network of stations all across the country.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow I want you to hear me on this.\u00a0 To try to raise this amount of money in this period of time is a huge challenge.\u00a0 So would you pray.\u00a0 And would you consider giving so that we can take full advantage of this $170,000 of matching money.\u00a0 You can donate online at FamilyLifeToday.com or you can donate by phone 1-800-FLTODAY.\u00a0 Again I want to say thank you for your ongoing support of FamilyLife especially during these financially challenging times.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Remember when you were single and you used to feel this way?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Music excerpt: \u201cMr. Lonely.\u201d]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And welcome to \u201cFamilyLife Today.\u201d\u00a0 Thanks for joining us on the Friday \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tedition.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> It\u2019s too bad that some of our younger listeners don\u2019t really appreciate \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> [Chuckles] \u2026 our host is the President of FamilyLife, Dennis Rainey \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2026 vintage music.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2026 who was in high school when that song was popular.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yeah, I used to go to sleep with it, you know.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Listened to it on the radio.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yep, I was lonely, too; single guy.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Well, and a lot of folks who are single and they think, if I could just find the right person and settle in, get married.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> That\u2019s why this subject is kind of a surprise, that you\u2019d drop it in the middle of a \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tnewly married series that we\u2019re doing here all this week, and expectations that we have of our spouse.\u00a0 But loneliness is one that kind of creeps in and seeps in at the edges and the corners of a relationship, and we don\u2019t think we\u2019re going to have to deal with loneliness in marriage, let alone early in our marriage.\u00a0 But this is an adjustment that is unexpected, Bob, in many, many marriages.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You and your wife, Barbara, have written a book called <em>Starting Your <\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong><em>\u00a0<\/em><\/strong><em>Marriage Right<\/em> where you deal with a number of these difficult adjustments and \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\texpectations that are brought into a marriage relationship.\u00a0 And I think it does surprise a lot of couples to find that there\u2019s a chapter in the book on the subject of loneliness in the same way that it surprises them to begin to experience loneliness early in their marriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI was talking to a friend of mine just recently.\u00a0 His daughter had gotten married a number of years ago and she and her husband had gone on their honeymoon and then headed off to pilot training school in Del Rio, Texas.\u00a0 Have you ever been to Del Rio?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> No, I\u2019ve heard of it.\u00a0 You can see the end of the \u2026 the earth from there, can\u2019t you?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> [Chuckles.]\u00a0 It\u2019s right on the border with Mexico and it\u2019s right in the middleof \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tnowhere, basically.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Right.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And in the first few months of their marriage he would leave every morning to go \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tto training at 7:00 in the morning, get back about 7:00 at night and they\u2019d have dinner together, and then he had to study for the next day.\u00a0 She had been moved out of her hometown to her new life with her new husband in Del Rio, Texas and he was gone or he was studying, and she was lonely.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And I\u2019ll tell you, you just ticked off several important things: new town; new \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tfriends; new church; all the support system of mom and dad, it\u2019s gone; brothers and sisters most likely don\u2019t live around you.\u00a0 And I\u2019m going to tell you something.\u00a0 Loneliness early in marriage is a reality to be reckoned with.\u00a0 And at some point in every marriage, Bob \u2026 it may not always occur early in the marriage, but loneliness is a visitor to all marriages.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd the reason is is we get married for intimacy, yet in the process of pursuing our spouse there will be moments when you miss each other, and when you miss each other that\u2019s going to be called loneliness.\u00a0 Your spouse simply is not going to understand how you feel, where you are.\u00a0 In the midst of that you feel lonely.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And because the expectation is that marriage is going to lead you to a new level of intimacy, when you start to feel lonely it\u2019s a new level of loneliness; a more profound \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tloneliness than maybe you\u2019ve ever experienced in your life.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> That\u2019s right.\u00a0 And the solution to this area is, number one, realize it\u2019s visitor to all marriages; secondly, realize that you have the rest of your lives together to get to know one another.\u00a0 Don\u2019t feel like this state of loneliness that you may have fallen into temporarily is going to be a regular, familiar guest or visitor in your marriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You and I know that we\u2019ve heard from some listeners who write and say, I\u2019ve been married for 15 or 20 years and I\u2019ve been profoundly lonely during that whole time because I\u2019ve never experienced the intimacy that I had hoped to experience.\u00a0 But you\u2019re right, in the early days it takes us by surprise.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And that\u2019s when we as a couple need to sit down and begin the process of learning how to meet on another\u2019s needs.\u00a0 And one of the realizations you may come to early in your marriage is that your spouse is not capable of meeting all of the relational needs you hoped he would meet, or she would meet, in your marriage.\u00a0 And at that point I believe you\u2019ve got to take the yardstick that we talked about earlier in the week, and I believe you have to lower your expectations and realize that there are expectations that we have that God never intended for us to have met in our spouse.\u00a0 I believe He leaves some of those unmet so that we will seek and pursue Him.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Your spouse ought to be your best friend, but not your only friend.\u00a0 And you\u2019re right, our relationship with the Lord is one place where some of these needs are going to be met, but there are also relationships with other people, in our community, in our churches, in this case on the Air Force base, other wives who are sitting home while their husbands are off at flight training school.\u00a0 We can connect relationally with others and help have some of those needs met.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> One of the mistakes I made early in our marriage is I did not realize how much Barbara needed outside relationships with other newly married women and with older married women to identify with as a woman.\u00a0 Maybe it was a Bible study, maybe it was Titus 2 woman in her life to mentor her, encourage her.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut, Bob, this area of loneliness is one that most likely either 50 percent of the marriage or 100 percent, both parties are going to need to have addressed early on in a marriage relationship.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> This issue of loneliness could have blown up into a whole new issue for this couple because a week and a half into the marriage the daughter called her daddy, and she began to talk about her loneliness and how things felt.\u00a0 And he said, \u201cThe impulse was so strong to do what daddy\u2019s do,\u201d and that was to try to rescue his daughter from this loneliness.\u00a0 But he said, \u201cI had to point her back to her husband and to her marriage and give her some coaching and pray with her.\u201d\u00a0 And he said, \u201cIt was hard to hang up the phone and not want to go fix it,\u201d but that\u2019s what a dad\u2019s got to do because parents need to help their children early in their marriage leave and cleave, and they don\u2019t want to become meddling in-laws in this situation either.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> In-laws.\u00a0 Now, the very mention of that to some of our audience, they go into withdrawal even as I speak, Bob, because this does represent a huge area of adjustment for couples as they begin their marriage together.\u00a0 And the reason is is we all come from families that are different.\u00a0 These families value different things, they relate to one another differently, they have these styles of how they get together and \u2026 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI mean, for instance \u2026 and I\u2019ll never forget this, but Barbara had an aunt in her family who, at one of our first family reunions or get-togethers with her extended family, this one aunt came towards me wanting to kiss me.\u00a0 She had bright red lipstick.\u00a0 You know, we don\u2019t do that in my family.\u00a0 And I\u2019ll never forget, she \u2026 it was a glancing blow off of the cheek.\u00a0 I think I \u2026 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0 You turned it just in time.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2026 I turned it just in time.\u00a0 But I remember \u2026 I remember going, this is really \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tdifferent, different expectations.\u00a0 And, Bob, these issues of differing expectations couples must begin to talk about.\u00a0 And you need to work it through and begin to hammer out your game plan of how you\u2019re going to manage these differing expectations.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I was speaking at a FamilyLife Marriage Conference in Colorado and a \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tcouple came up to me, not yet married but planning to get married against the wishes of this young woman\u2019s parents.\u00a0 And we talked through what the issues were and why they were opposed and how these folks had tried to resolve it, and I had to end, Dennis, by saying to them, when a couple marries with one or both sets of parents not approving of the marriage, it doesn\u2019t matter how much you love each other, it doesn\u2019t matter how committed you are to one another, you are walking into a set of difficulties, a set of challenges that are going to \u2026 well, they\u2019re going to be an assault on your oneness in your marriage relationship.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> That\u2019s right.\u00a0 And in those situations, if I\u2019m speaking right now to an engaged couple, better that you delay your marriage and resolve the issues with your parents or with your future spouse\u2019s parents than begin your relationship in the midst of a deficit that Bob\u2019s talking about.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhy?\u00a0 Because when you get married it\u2019s not just two people who marry.\u00a0 It\u2019s two families that come together.\u00a0 And I think if there\u2019s anything that demands a lot of conversation with your spouse, it is talking about how you\u2019re going to go about spending your holidays, how you\u2019re going to go about calling home, how often you\u2019re going to call home, whether or not you\u2019re going to receive money from your parents, how much money would you receive from them, would you receive it if they attempt to control you or manipulate you by giving you money?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAll of these issues of how you\u2019re going to relate to parents and deal with their expectations are very, very important.\u00a0 You have to make the adjustments.\u00a0 If you don\u2019t I think the potential for a division in your marriage is great.\u00a0 Let me just give you an illustration of what I\u2019m talking about here, for instance holidays.\u00a0 Did you have a struggle with that early in your marriage, Bob, about where you went at Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Here\u2019s what happened.\u00a0 We lived in the same town with Mary Ann\u2019s parents, and so Christmas morning was spent at Mary Ann\u2019s house with all her brothers and sisters and \u2026 it\u2019s kind of where we had Christmas.\u00a0 And then usually we\u2019d get in the car and we\u2019d drive up and see my parents in another city.\u00a0 And I remember after about the fourth or maybe the fifth year of that I remember my mom just expressing that it was disappointing to them that we were never there on Christmas morning.\u00a0 Now, we were usually there on Christmas afternoon and I never stopped to think about, Christmas morning.\u00a0 Christmas afternoon we were usually always there.\u00a0 But as a parent and having navigated my way through Christmases with kids in the house I can understand where parents fall into patterns and habits and expectations and life experiences, and all of a sudden all the kids are gone and it\u2019s Christmas morning and it\u2019s just the two of you and there are no kids around.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I don\u2019t have a lot of absolutes, Bob, around issues that are really ancillary to scripture, all right, but this is an absolute that I would encourage every newly married couple to do in their marriage.\u00a0 You can go to your parent\u2019s house or to your spouse\u2019s parents\u2019 house for the first two or three Christmases on Christmas morning, and you can still be a part of what\u2019s been your tradition and your experience as a young person growing up.\u00a0 But after year three, stay in your own home on Christmas morning and begin to establish your own traditions, your own experience and your own memories.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd this becomes especially true, Bob, if, during the first three years of your relationship there\u2019s been something toddled into your relationship called children.\u00a0 And, yes, they need to go to grandparents \u2026 and you need to know, at this point I am a grandparent and I know what I\u2019m saying here.\u00a0 But there comes a time when grandparents need to realize that if they\u2019re going to see the grandchildren on Christmas Day, it may mean that they are the ones who have to get in a car, like Barbara\u2019s parents do.\u00a0 And Barbara\u2019s parents literally travel to our house for Christmas afternoon, and we have another little Christmas time on Christmas afternoon.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob, it\u2019s just a matter of time until those things begin to happen.\u00a0 And so, I want to encourage young married couples to begin to break with some of the age-old traditions.\u00a0 And it\u2019s going to feel funny, it\u2019s going to feel weird \u2026 but this Christmas Ashley and Michael were not there first thing on Christmas morning, but it was right that they were establishing their own traditions.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Typically the issues that young couples experience with in-laws are the control or the interfering issue where her parents or his parents are trying to get involved in the decisions that young couples are making.\u00a0 They\u2019re looking over their shoulders; they\u2019re second-guessing them.\u00a0 How do you deal with that?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Well, there are four areas where expectations with in-laws can bite you.\u00a0 You just mentioned one, control and manipulation\u2014That can occur around money, that can occur around the schedule, around your values \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Holidays, like we\u2019ve just talked about.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> That\u2019s right.\u00a0 That\u2019s another area that it can get you, around holidays. Number three is relationships, and I want to talk about that in a second, and fourth \u2026 the fourth area that can bite you is how you raise your children.\u00a0 And sometimes it\u2019s as harmless as your parents giving your child sugar when you don\u2019t want them to have it.\u00a0 Other times it\u2019s them interfering with scheduling issues of an infant, the disciplining, the character development, the correction.\u00a0 I'm telling you, these get bigger and bigger as we move on.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut let me go back to this subject of relationships and expectations we have with our parents and with our in-laws.\u00a0 When you get married I think a lot of folks think they\u2019re going to move into this family and they\u2019re going to begin to become a heart-and-soul child of your spouse\u2019s family.\u00a0 And I know a young lady who got married, moved into that relationship and wanted to have a deep, profound, abiding friendship with her mother-in-law, and she\u2019s finding her to be like she\u2019s stonewalling her, or keeping her at a distance.\u00a0 And the reality is that mother-in-law may not be able to reach out and may not be able to develop a relationship.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Meanwhile the bride is wondering, is there something wrong with me; who doesn\u2019t my mother-in-law like me?\u00a0 And now all of a sudden she feels like a failure.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And this comes back, ultimately, to how you handle unmet expectations.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHusbands need to step in and talk about these unmet expectations with your bride.\u00a0 And in this situation, that\u2019s what happened.\u00a0 The son stepped in and began to talk honestly and frankly about his mother and who she is as a person.\u00a0 And, you know, you can try to change your parents, you can try to change your mother-in-law, your father-in-law.\u00a0 Basically some of the greatest peace and harmony you\u2019re going to have in that family is when you let go and stop trying to change them, but instead enjoy them for who they are and for who they aren\u2019t, and accept the relationship.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd, yes, you can pray about it and, yes, you can go the second mile with them in an attempt to have a great relationship, but one of the best things that you can do is to reduce your expectations and not expect them to be all that your parents were in your life, not expect them to be perfect, because they haven\u2019t been \u2026 there is only one perfect person \u2026 and not expect them to receive you into their family and graft you in as though you\u2019re the long-lost son or daughter that\u2019s finally come back home.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> A lot of young husbands or young wives will find themselves in the middle\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tof a tug-of-war with mom and dad pulling in one direction and a new spouse pulling in another direction, and they\u2019re trying to please both ends and winding up pleasing neither very well.\u00a0 How do you coach a young bride or a young husband who feels like they\u2019re right in the middle of that tug-of-war?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I would coach the young man to step forward and provide the leadership for their wives and for their marriage and their family as this issue rears its ugly head.\u00a0 And, Bob, it\u2019s not a matter of if; it really is a matter of when.\u00a0 Families are going to have differing values.\u00a0 And a newly married couple has got to have their own set of values and commitments of what they are going to do.\u00a0 At points, that is going to rub your parents or your spouse\u2019s parents the wrong way.\u00a0 It\u2019s not going to be how they\u2019ve done it.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd I\u2019ll tell you, Bob, it takes a wise parent, a wise set of in-laws to keep their mouth shut and stay out of your children\u2019s affairs after they get married.\u00a0 My advice is silence is your friend.\u00a0 Keep your opinions to yourself because they are now on their \u2026 their own, and if they ask for your opinion, then you can give it.\u00a0 But unless they ask for it, my advice is keep it to yourself.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I mentioned earlier the young couple that I had spoken to at a FamilyLife Marriage \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tConference, considering marriage with the potential in-law problems looming on the horizon.\u00a0 The parents did not approve of the young husband and told the daughter she would not have their blessing if she went ahead and married him.\u00a0 As I spoke with them I said, are you ready to face the possibility that you won\u2019t be going home again?\u00a0 Are you ready to walk away from your mom, your dad, to maybe have a baby and no one calls, to have a complete break with your parents, because that could be what you\u2019re walking into.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s hard to raise that issue with couples who are dating because they never really understand what that\u2019s going to feel like.\u00a0 But for a lot of couples there comes a point where the in-law issues can\u2019t be resolved, and at that point you have to say, my marriage relationship is the relationship that God\u2019s calling me to honor. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> The command \u2026 the scripture is to leave, cleave and become one flesh, and your process of leaving your parents means that you are shifting loyalty from your family of origin to your new family and to your spouse, and that\u2019s the cleaving, that\u2019s the commitment.\u00a0 And if there\u2019s ever a question of whose values you\u2019re going to honor, it\u2019s your spouse\u2019s values, it\u2019s who you married; that\u2019s who you\u2019re committed to.\u00a0 And for those who are people pleasers, who find this so tough to choke down \u2026 it\u2019s so difficult to disappoint your parents \u2026 you have to realize that Jesus Christ has called you to be a pleaser first and foremost of your husband, of your wife.\u00a0 And that means that you need to risk displeasing your parents in order to properly meet the needs of your spouse.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, Bob, everything we\u2019ve talked about here as we relate to our parents or our in-laws needs to be done out of Exodus 20:12 \u2026 \u201cHonor your father and mother that your days may be long in the land which the Lord your God gives you.\u201d\u00a0 We need to always, in our relationships with our parents, even as we declare our loyalty to our spouse, we need to make sure we are relating to our parents in honor.\u00a0 But that\u2019s easy to say here in the studio when you\u2019re not talking about volatile issues and the enormous power of parents that \u2026 a daughter has felt for years she\u2019s been controlled by that mother; that son who\u2019s been controlled by his mother or his father.\u00a0 I\u2019m telling you, these things can be brought into a marriage, and these are not small matters.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd we\u2019ve talked quite frequently here all this week as we\u2019ve talked about starting your marriage right.\u00a0 There will be times in your new relationship where you need a mentor, you need a third person, a third party, a mentor to build into your lives and to provide a little wheel alignment, to give you some godly advice and maybe keep you out of the ditch.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> The book, <em>Starting your Marriage Right<\/em> can be a mentor guide for that older couple to help you unpack some of the issues that may pop up in the early years of a marriage relationship.\u00a0 Again, because of the way it\u2019s laid out there are 52 chapters so once a week there is a topic for you to address either when you get together with your mentor couple\u00a0 or when you have your weekly date night as a couple we got couples of the book, <em>Starting your Marriage Right<\/em> in our FamilyLife Resource Center.\u00a0 If you are a newly married couple or you know a newlywed couple or you want to be mentor to a newlywed couple go to a web site FamilyLifeToday.com and you can order copies of this book.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you\u2019re looking for something to add to the toaster that you\u2019re planning to give as a wedding gift you can the book <em>Starting your Marriage Right<\/em> and just put it down in one of the toaster slots.\u00a0 It\u2019ll pop right up.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAgain, our web site is FamilyLifeToday.com.\u00a0 You can also order from us by calling \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t1-800-FL-TODAY.\u00a0 1-800-358-6329. That\u2019s 800-F, as in Family, L as in Life, and then the word Today.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLet me just say if the wedding is still a few months away consider getting a copy of the <em>Preparing for Marriage<\/em> study guide that we\u2019ve put together to supplement the premarital counseling that we hope couples are getting in their local church before they get married.\u00a0 Find out more on our web site FamilyLifeToday.com or call us at 1-800-\u201cF as in Family\u201d \u201cL as in Life,\u201d and then the word Today.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe hope you have a great weekend.\u00a0 We hope you and your family can worship together this weekend.\u00a0 And I hope you can join us back on Monday when we\u2019re going to introduce you to a man who was the second youngest in his family of 17 children.\u00a0 He\u2019s a great guy. R.V. Brown joins us Monday and I hope you can be here to meet him.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer on today\u2019s program, Phil Krause, and our entire broadcast team.\u00a0 On behalf our host, Dennis Rainey, I\u2019m Bob Lepine.\u00a0 We\u2019ll see you Monday for another edition of \u201cFamilyLife Today.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFamilyLife is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas.\u00a0 Help for today.\u00a0 Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts for you. However, there is a cost to transcribe, create, and produce them for our website. If you've benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright \u00a9 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>www.FamilyLife.com<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>","theme_header_position":"","post_header_is_sticky":"","is_header_overlay":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast\/301830","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/podcast"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/91"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=301830"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/294104"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=301830"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=301830"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=301830"},{"taxonomy":"podcast_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast_series?post=301830"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=301830"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=301830"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}