{"id":301828,"date":"2009-05-27T11:00:00","date_gmt":"2009-05-27T15:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/expectations-and-adjustments-part-2\/"},"modified":"2009-05-27T11:00:00","modified_gmt":"2009-05-27T15:00:00","slug":"expectations-and-adjustments-part-2","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/expectations-and-adjustments-part-2\/","title":{"rendered":"Expectations and Adjustments, Part 2"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>You might have left the wedding in a cloud of dust, but are your parents still trailing behind?  Tune in today when Dennis Rainey talks about the importance of leaving your parents to cleave to your mate.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>You might have left the wedding in a cloud of dust, but are your parents still trailing behind?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2009-05-27.mp3","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:","filesize":"11.49M","filesize_raw":"12045930","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2808],"tags":[4035,4034],"podcast_series":[7649],"cwp_profile":[3048],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-301828","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-newlyweds","tag-first-year-of-marriage","tag-newlyweds","podcast_series-starting-your-marriage-right-2009","cwp_profile-dennis-rainey","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/301828\/expectations-and-adjustments-part-2","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/301828\/expectations-and-adjustments-part-2","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"NMvEYviCMH\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/expectations-and-adjustments-part-2\/\">Expectations and Adjustments, Part 2<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/expectations-and-adjustments-part-2\/embed\/#?secret=NMvEYviCMH\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Expectations and Adjustments, Part 2&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"NMvEYviCMH\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2009-05-27.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2009-05-27.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 This is Dennis Rainey.\u00a0 Before we start today\u2019s program I\u2019ve got some good news and some great news.\u00a0 As many of you we\u2019ve had a matching gift challenge during the month of May of $356,000.\u00a0\u00a0 That challenge has been met and to those of you who gave I want to say thank you.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThank you for your generous financial support.\u00a0 As you\u2019ve heard me say more than once this has been a tough year here for us here at FamilyLife and your donations this month have given us a huge boost.\u00a0 Now for the great news.\u00a0 In our excitement last week we shared with a number of our friends how well the match had been going and how it was about to be met and you know what they encouraged us to do?\u00a0 Keep it going.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn fact they committed another $170,000 in matching funds.\u00a0 They wanted to extend this \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tmatching challenge through Sunday night.\u00a0 That\u2019s an additional $170,000 good for all gifts we receive by this Sunday night.\u00a0 But that means we only have five days left now.\u00a0 Here\u2019s what I\u2019m asking, would you do whatever you can do this week.\u00a0 Keeping in mind that your gift will be doubled up to $170,000.\u00a0 Help us take full advantage of these new matching funds that will enable us to stay on this radio station and our full network of stations all across the country.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow I want you to hear me on this.\u00a0\u00a0 To try to raise this amount of money in this period of time is a huge challenge.\u00a0 Would you pray and would you consider giving so that we can take full advantage of this $170,000 of matching money.\u00a0 You can donate on line at FamilyLife Today.com or you can donate by phone at 1-800-FLTODAY.\u00a0 Again, I want to say thank you for your ongoing support of FamilyLife especially during these financially challenging times.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And now as a public service, FamilyLife presents four ways to load a dishwasher.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHere\u2019s the President of FamilyLife, Dennis Rainey.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> There are four ways for a man to load a dishwasher.\u00a0 The first one is how \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\the has been trained by his mother:\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Begin taped segment.]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Mom:<\/strong> Now, dear, when you load the dishes, always put the cleanest plates near \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tthe center.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Boy:<\/strong> Okay, mom.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Mom:<\/strong> And, honey, rinse the glasses before you load them.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Boy:<\/strong> Oh, okay.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0[End taped segment.]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> The second way for a man to load a dishwasher is the way he would load \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tit if his wife is in the house:\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Begin taped segment.]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Woman:<\/strong> Honey, didn\u2019t your mother teach you anything?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Man:<\/strong> She taught me to rinse the glasses before I put them in.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Woman:<\/strong> Honey, always put the cleanest dishes\u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Man:<\/strong> I know, I know, on the inside so that the clean water \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Woman:<\/strong> No, silly, on the outside.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Man:<\/strong> But, I \u2026 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0[End taped segment.]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> The third way for a man to load a dishwasher is when he\u2019s just there and \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\this wife isn\u2019t there:\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0[Begin taped segment.]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Man:<\/strong> [Loud music and glass breaking.]\u00a0 Plates; teacups; there, skillet.\u00a0 Sure, this can fit, \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tget in there.\u00a0 Yeah, soap.\u00a0 Okay, what\u2019s next?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0[End taped segment.]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 And finally, the fourth approved way for a man to load a dishwasher when he is \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tat his mother-in-law\u2019s house:\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0[Begin taped segment.]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Woman:<\/strong> Hi, mom.\u00a0 That was a great dinner.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Mom:<\/strong> Thanks, dear.\u00a0 Judy, could you give me a hand with the dishwasher?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Woman:<\/strong> Sure, mom, but hasn\u2019t Roger already loaded the dishes?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Mom:<\/strong> Yes, dear, but Roger is so incompetent about these things.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Woman:<\/strong> I bet I have showed him how to load that thing at least a dozen times.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Mom:<\/strong> I\u2019ll bet he didn\u2019t rinse the glasses either.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0[End taped segment.]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Thanks for joining us.\u00a0 We\u2019re not going to be talking about dishwashers all day on \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tthe program.\u00a0 [Laughs.]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> We\u2019re not, but we are talking about expectations early in marriage \u2026 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Uh-huh.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2026 especially as you start your marriage out right.\u00a0 And I\u2019ll tell you, Bob, men, \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tthey really deserve some kind of heroic medal for learning how to make the necessary \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tadjustments on how to load a dishwasher.\u00a0 I mean, think of how this scars them \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tpsychologically.\u00a0 [Laughs.]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I have to tell a story here that gives equal time, because I have a friend of mine \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\twho, when he got married, his wife had grown up and she had never \u2026 are you ready? \u2026 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tshe had never had to do dishes in her house the whole time she\u2019d grown up.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> So she didn\u2019t know how to load a dishwasher?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> She didn\u2019t know anything about a dishwasher.\u00a0 And after she got it all loaded the \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tfirst time she took the dishwashing detergent that you use there in the sink and she loaded \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tup the dishwasher with that dishwashing detergent that she used in the sink.\u00a0 Now, the \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tdishwashing detergent for the sink \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Like Joy liquid you mean?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> That\u2019s what I mean.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Whoa.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> It\u2019s a little more concentrated that what normally goes in the dishwasher.\u00a0 And the \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\thusband told me as he recounted this story that, well, he realized it when he started seeing \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tsoap coming out of the cracks in the dishwasher as the machine was going for the first \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\ttime.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> [Laughs.]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> He said, bless her heart, she just didn\u2019t know any better.\u00a0 So it\u2019s not just men who \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tneed help in knowing how to load the dishwasher; sometimes it can be a woman.\u00a0 But it\u2019s \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tusually men.\u00a0 [Chuckles.]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yeah, it usually is men.\u00a0 And, you know, early in our marriage we didn\u2019t have a \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tdishwasher.\u00a0 You\u2019re looking at him.\u00a0 I mean, I did it.\u00a0 And I can\u2019t say that I appreciated, at that point in our marriage, our differences.\u00a0 All this week we\u2019re talking about expectations and the adjustments we must make in meeting our mate\u2019s expectations or knowing how to handle it when our mate, or our spouse, doesn\u2019t meet our expectations.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd Proverbs, chapter 13, verse 12 has been our \u2026 our verse all this week: \u201cHope deferred makes the heart sick, but desire fulfilled is a tree of life.\u201d\u00a0 And I can tell you that this area of loading the dishwasher is just symptomatic, Bob, of a huge area where \u2026 we have a list of 25 adjustments that every couple, I believe, must make if they\u2019re going to achieve oneness in their marriage and see a marriage that goes the distance.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Well, we talked yesterday about big things like your spiritual relationship with one \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tanother, and finances.\u00a0 Loading the dishwasher seems like a gnat in a marriage \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\trelationship.\u00a0 Is it really all that big a deal?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Well, that\u2019s not the problem, it\u2019s a symptom.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 The problem is that we\u2019re different \u2026 and we marry one another because we\u2019re \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tdifferent; male and female it says in Genesis, chapter 2.\u00a0 He created them, okay?\u00a0 Why \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\twas I attracted to Barbara?\u00a0 She was different than I was.\u00a0 It\u2019s interesting that the \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tdifferences that attracted us to one another before we get married, how much those \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tdifferences end up repelling us later on after we get married.\u00a0 And I load the dishwasher \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tone way and Barbara goes, you do not know how to load it in the approved way.\u00a0 Now, \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\twe\u2019ve been married 28 years \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> [Chuckles.]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I\u2019m telling you \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You got it down yet?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I don\u2019t.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> [Laughs.]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I\u2019m just thinking of all these poor guys starting out their marriage together.\u00a0 You \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tneed to learn early that your differences \u2026 well, that there are places where you need to \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tdefer to her differences.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Mm-hmm.\u00a0 But you\u2019re not just talking about gender differences, you\u2019re talking \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tabout differences in backgrounds, differences in the way we do things, differences in how \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\twe were brought up, differences in the way we approach life, right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yeah, preferences for one thing.\u00a0 It\u2019s not a issue of one person being right and \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tthe other person being wrong.\u00a0 In fact, 28 years into our marriage we\u2019re still laughing \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tabout this.\u00a0 She\u2019ll say, this is how you should do this, and I\u2019ll say, well, there\u2019s more than \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tone way to do that, isn\u2019t there, sweetheart?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut these unmet expectations, we\u2019re laughing about them now but someone once said \u2026 made the statement, \u201cThe person who says that small things don\u2019t bother them has never slept in a room with a mosquito.\u201d\u00a0 Little things can bother you, and they can become more than irritants; they can kind of stick in your \u2026 in your heart and they can result in not only unmet expectations and disappointment and hurt, but they can fester and you can become angry about it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Dennis, these are the things that cause couples to go seek counseling or to go see a \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tlawyer.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yeah, and you\u2019ve got to learn how to deal with one another\u2019s differences.\u00a0 So \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tdon\u2019t resent the way your spouse does something, even though they may do it differently \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tthan how you would want it done.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Okay, but who gives in, who flexes, who adjusts to whom?\u00a0 Who decides which \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tway the socks ought to be put in the laundry hamper?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I think Jesus spoke to that very clearly.\u00a0 He said, \u201cUnless a grain of wheat fall on \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tthe ground and die, it bears forth no fruit.\u201d\u00a0 And I think the issue for both husband and \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\twife is that we need to die; we need to die to some of our own expectations and defer to \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tthe other person.\u00a0 That means you don\u2019t nit-pick them to death.\u00a0 Don\u2019t use your tongue \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tlike an ice pick to chip away at them and constantly harp at them or nag at them that \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tthey\u2019re not doing it the way you would want them to do it.\u00a0 Instead, let things go.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> But in some areas, Dennis, our differences end up being significant differences.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou put on the list of adjustments the whole area of communication \u2026 and this is an area \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\twhere our different styles of communicating can create some serious conflict in a \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tmarriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> We get married to be intimate with one another, to know and be known and to \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\texperience transparency.\u00a0 I remember when Barbara and I were dating and she lived in \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDallas, and I did, too, and we would go out at her apartment complex and we would sit \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\ton the steps until 2:00 a.m. in the morning, just talking.\u00a0 After we got married I can still \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tremember the drive from Houston, Texas all the way to Boulder, Colorado.\u00a0 And I \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tremember on the way up there, there were moments of silence where she didn\u2019t have \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tanything to say.\u00a0 And later on in our marriage I would ask her what she was thinking and \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tshe would say, \u201cNothing.\u201d\u00a0 And it was one of those words that you knew needed to be \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tunpacked a bit.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Mm-hmm.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And yet, she needed to communicate and share with me what she was feeling, \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tbut she didn\u2019t know what she was feeling.\u00a0 She was all wrapped up in her emotions and \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tshe was discouraged or disappointed or angry with me about something I did do or didn\u2019t \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tdo.\u00a0 And I was just a young man starting out our marriage.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t know how to handle \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tthose moments when what she was thinking about was \u201cnothing.\u201d\u00a0 And I didn\u2019t know \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\twhat to do and how to communicate through that.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd here\u2019s where expectations going unmet is so important.\u00a0 It takes years for a man to \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tlearn how to become a husband and speak \u201cwoman.\u201d\u00a0 Now, he\u2019s never going to become a \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\twoman.\u00a0 You didn\u2019t marry him, ladies, to become a woman, you ..\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And you don\u2019t want him to.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> No, but you do want him to speak \u201cwoman.\u201d\u00a0 You do want him to know how to \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\trelate to you in a tender way, like Stu Weber talks about, being a \u201ctender warrior\u201d on \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tyour behalf.\u00a0 And it takes years for a woman to learn how to speak with a man and how \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tto understand what her man is thinking and when he wants to talk and when he needs to \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tbe left alone.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And to understand that when he\u2019s thinking out loud about, \u201cI wonder what it would \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tbe like to live in Arizona,\u201d that doesn\u2019t mean that he\u2019s planning to sell the house and \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tmove the family, right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I mean, there are times, again, in our communication where we miss each other \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tsimply because we don\u2019t understand what we\u2019re doing in our communication.\u00a0 We talk at \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tthe FamilyLife Marriage Conference, Dennis, about the need to be more clear in \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\texpressing ourselves to each other and to become better listeners.\u00a0 And this is an area \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\twhere husbands and wives can take some \u00a0quantum leaps in their communication \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tability if they\u2019ll just listen to what the other person is saying and to what the emotion \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tbehind what\u2019s being said is.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And again, the reason it\u2019s so natural before we get married is because we\u2019re all \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tgeared up to understand one another and sit and gaze into one another\u2019s eyes and think \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tdeeply about what they\u2019re saying, but after we get married the prize is won, the contest is \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tover, and you no longer have to compete \u2026 we think in our own minds \u2026 we no longer \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\thave to compete in this area of listening to your spouse, and so now you begin to see your \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tdifferences really come out in this area of communication. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut we have to learn early in our marriage, Bob, to listen to our spouse and their style of communicating, and realize it\u2019s not a matter of meeting them halfway; it\u2019s a matter of understanding who they are.\u00a0 There are times when they need to be left alone.\u00a0 There are times when they need to be drawn out.\u00a0 There are times when you need to drop what you\u2019re doing and go for a walk; go for a drive.\u00a0 There are times when you need to leave them alone, let them sort it out, and then discuss it a little later in the evening.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThose are all expectations in the marriage relationship that as a young couple starts out \u2026 I think sometimes these young couples, in their early years of marriage, are so trying to do things so perfectly and so right, and they get so focused on applying all these principles and at the same time they don\u2019t give one another space just to work through it and grow.\u00a0 The marriage relationship starts with two nearly total strangers with one another, and you begin living with one another and this art of communication is developed over a lifetime together.\u00a0 And I can promise you, if you focus on it it really will be that familiar friend who really does communicate well with you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> There\u2019s probably one person in each relationship who is listening to you right now \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tgoing, I would love to have more communication with my spouse but my spouse is just \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tnot a communicator.\u00a0 Is there anything I can do to make communication a higher priority \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tfor my spouse than it currently is?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> The first thing I would do is reflect back on your dating days, and what were the \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tcircumstances, the environments and the surroundings that allowed you to communicate \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tback then?\u00a0 Was it going and doing things around a sporting event?\u00a0 Was it talks?\u00a0 Was it \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\ta chunk of time?\u00a0 Some of those have to be replicated in the marriage relationship in \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\torder to recreate the opportunity to communicate.\u00a0 And early in marriage I think many \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\ttimes we make the mistake of stopping our courtship.\u00a0 We no longer date one another and \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tno longer pursue one another.\u00a0 If you\u2019re going to meet one another\u2019s expectations and \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tkeep disappointment minimal you need to pursue your spouse, especially in the area of \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tcommunication.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd it\u2019s at this point I want to address the men.\u00a0 Your assignment, men, not should you \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tdecide to accept it \u2026 no, if you are a husband, you\u2019ve already [chuckles] \u2026 you\u2019ve \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\talready accepted the challenge.\u00a0 Your assignment is over your lifetime to learn how to \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tcommunicate as a man with your wife in a way that pleases and nourishes and cherishes \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tyour wife\u2019s soul.\u00a0 You need to become a student of how to communicate with her, and to \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\ther, and for her in such a way that she feels like she\u2019s been understood, she\u2019s been heard, \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tthat things that are discussed, even points of disappointment where you haven\u2019t met \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\texpectations \u2026 you can use this one right here to reduce the disappointment and hurt if \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tyou do a good job communicating.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob, I know what I\u2019m talking about because just the other night I didn\u2019t meet an expectation of Barbara, and she was hurt.\u00a0 And so I paused and I listened.\u00a0 And I listened to what she said.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t allow my mind to wander, I didn\u2019t walk off while she was talking, I didn\u2019t get angry, I didn\u2019t get defensive; many of the things that I might have done in our early years of marriage.\u00a0 Instead, I gave her full attention.\u00a0 After she was finished I looked her in the eyes and I said, \u201cYou know, you\u2019re right.\u00a0 I think I understand exactly how you feel.\u201d\u00a0 And I began to tell her what she had told me.\u00a0 Then I said, \u201cDid I get it?\u201d\u00a0 And she said, \u201cYou got it.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd you know what?\u00a0 It took \u2026 it was almost like some concrete that had been poured where somebody had come in with a stick and etched it \u2026 and broke it up.\u00a0 And it was like my listening and conversation back with her took a trowel and just smoothed over while the concrete was still wet, and allowed us to have a point of understanding and to really continue to build a foundation in our marriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Part of what you\u2019re talking about here really ties in with one of the other \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tadjustments that\u2019s on your list, and that is how we resolve conflict.\u00a0 Communication is a \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tbig part of that.\u00a0 In fact, oftentimes we\u2019ve found that the conflict has more to do with how \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\twe\u2019ve been expressing ourselves to one another in the communication process than it \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tdoes what we were talking about in the first place.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yeah.\u00a0 I wish at this point I had some of the testimonials from couples who had \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tattended one of our FamilyLife marriage conferences, and just let them, at this point, step in and tell you how important being equipped in this area has become in their marriage.\u00a0 But couple after couple go through these Weekends to Remember that are held on a Friday night, all day Saturday and all day Sunday, and they come out of it saying, for the first time in our lives together we now have a common way to resolve conflict.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, what they had in common before was conflict.\u00a0 They both were experiencing conflict with one another but they didn\u2019t have common tools to be able to resolve the issues together as a couple.\u00a0 And so, as a result, if you have an unmet expectation, you get hurt, you\u2019re disappointed, you get angry, but if there isn\u2019t a way to resolve that anger it does become resentment.\u00a0 You do hold that in, you do begin to punish, and you begin to punish your spouse way on down the road for things that are really minor issues when the real thing that has hurt you occurred in year one of your marriage and you didn\u2019t have the ability to know how to move beyond that and forgive one another.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo the first thing you need to know in making the adjustment to resolve conflict is realize that all conflict in marriage is normal and will occur in a marriage relationship.\u00a0 You\u2019re not weird to experience conflict.\u00a0 It\u2019s not wrong for two people, a husband and a wife, to experience disagreement and therefore conflict in a marriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> In fact, Dennis, this is an area \u2026 as you said, it\u2019s common to all marriages, but this \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tis the area that\u2019s been identified as the critical skill for couples if they\u2019re going to make a \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tmarriage work.\u00a0 If you don\u2019t know how to resolve conflict when it occurs in your \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tmarriage then you\u2019re going to have just that buildup of ongoing frustration and anger and \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tpain that\u2019s going to lead couples to \u2026 to want to abandon their relationship.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> As you were talking I was thinking back over 28 years of marriage and how \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tmany conflicts we had in our first months, first years, over those childbearing years when we had six children in 10 years, the pressure of the ministry when it was growing 40 percent a year throughout the \u201880s and early \u201890s, and how that all came \u2026 really came down on our marriage and we had all kinds of conflict.\u00a0 Had we not been equipped to know how to deal with hundreds \u2026 and I daresay there have been hundreds if not thousands of situations where there has been conflict that we\u2019ve had to deal with, Bob, we would be angry at each other today.\u00a0 We wouldn\u2019t have a relationship; we wouldn\u2019t be enjoying one another.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut I can sit here before you right now and tell you I have nothing against Barbara.\u00a0 I feel confident she doesn\u2019t have anything against me \u2026 at least I don\u2019t think \u2026 right now.\u00a0 She might have before the \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Before the day\u2019s over.\u00a0 [Chuckles.]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2026 before the evening\u2019s over \u2026 I may make a mistake \u2026 but we both have a \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tcommon way to resolve conflict.\u00a0 And that is, speak the truth in love.\u00a0 So you confront the issue.\u00a0 Secondly, you ask for forgiveness.\u00a0 And third, you grant forgiveness when you\u2019ve been wronged.\u00a0 And then you make restitution, really, as a fourth way that we resolve conflict.\u00a0 If you will apply those four principles over and over and over again in your marriage \u2026 and sometimes they\u2019re applied over a matter of hours.\u00a0 It\u2019s not a matter of just clicking them off like you flip a switch.\u00a0 It\u2019s a process whereby you work through it as a couple.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut every newly married couple needs to listen to me carefully.\u00a0 If you don\u2019t establish the right habits, the right disciplines in resolving conflict, you\u2019re headed for an atomic explosion, three, five, ten years down the road because someday all those unresolved issues are all going to finally become so heavy, so weighty, one of you \u2026 on of you is either going to walk out or explode in front of the other one.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> What are those four things again \u2026 the four patterns you talked about?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Number one, speak the truth in love.\u00a0 Number two, ask forgiveness when you\u2019ve \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\twronged the other person.\u00a0 Number three, grant forgiveness when you\u2019ve been hurt.\u00a0 And number four, seek restitution; make it right.\u00a0 Make sure your spouse knows that you understand and you\u2019re willing to not just keep on repeating this process over and over and over again.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Forgiveness is at the heart of all of this, isn\u2019t it?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Forgiveness means that we give up the right of punishment.\u00a0 Jesus talked about \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tthe seven times 70 club, that we should forgive our neighbor seven times 70, an infinite number of times.\u00a0 And that means that it\u2019s never our right to hold onto a grudge.\u00a0 It is our biblical responsibility before God to give up our right of punishment and to put it away.\u00a0 Why?\u00a0 Because Ephesians, chapter four, at the end of that chapter it says, \u201cforgiving one another as God, in Christ, forgave you.\u201d\u00a0 We are to forgive one another.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd, Bob, there\u2019s probably no more practical application in dealing with unmet expectations than becoming a skilled person who knows how to resolve conflict in the marriage relationship.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You know, you talk about this in your book, <em>Starting Your Marriage Right<\/em>, and \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tit\u2019s something we spend two sessions on at the FamilyLife Marriage Conference.\u00a0 If couples don\u2019t learn how to resolve conflict, there will be this excess build-up in a marriage relationship, and that\u2019s why early on you\u2019ve got to get the right patterns established.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you would like more information about the book, <em>Starting Your Marriage Right<\/em>, it\u2019s available from us here at FamilyLife you can go online at FamilyLifeToday .com or you can call us at 1-800-FL-TODAY.\u00a0 If you know a couple that is not yet married but they are making plans to be married in the couple of months consider getting them a copy of the <em>Preparing for Marriage <\/em>workbooks that we\u2019ve put together.\u00a0 These are designed to supplement the premarital counseling that they are hopefully getting in their local church.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAgain, the toll-free number is 1-800-FL-TODAY, or you can go online for information about these resources at FamilyLifeToday.com.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTomorrow we\u2019re going to talk about the importance of putting some healthy hedges and boundaries around a new marriage in order to protect it.\u00a0 I hope you can be back for that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThanks to our engineer today, Keith Lynch and our entire broadcast production team.\u00a0 On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I\u2019m Bob Lepine.\u00a0 We will see you back tomorrow for another edition of FamilyLife Today.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFamilyLife Today is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas.\u00a0 Help for today.\u00a0 Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts for you. However, there is a cost to transcribe, create, and produce them for our website. If you've benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright \u00a9 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>www.FamilyLife.com<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>"],"_seopress_titles_title":[""],"_seopress_titles_desc":[""],"_seopress_robots_index":[""],"duration":["00:"],"show_notes":[""],"_thumbnail_id":["294104"],"filesize":["11.49M"],"filesize_raw":["12045930"],"_uag_css_file_name":["uag-css-301828.css"],"_uag_js_file_name":["uag-js-301828.js"],"_uag_page_assets":["a:9:{s:3:\"css\";s:82560:\".wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-top svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-top .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: rgba(51,51,51,1);}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-bottom svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-bottom .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: rgba(51,51,51,1);}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f 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might have left the wedding in a cloud of dust, but are your parents still trailing behind?","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2009-05-27.pdf","transcript_content":"<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 This is Dennis Rainey.\u00a0 Before we start today\u2019s program I\u2019ve got some good news and some great news.\u00a0 As many of you we\u2019ve had a matching gift challenge during the month of May of $356,000.\u00a0\u00a0 That challenge has been met and to those of you who gave I want to say thank you.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThank you for your generous financial support.\u00a0 As you\u2019ve heard me say more than once this has been a tough year here for us here at FamilyLife and your donations this month have given us a huge boost.\u00a0 Now for the great news.\u00a0 In our excitement last week we shared with a number of our friends how well the match had been going and how it was about to be met and you know what they encouraged us to do?\u00a0 Keep it going.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn fact they committed another $170,000 in matching funds.\u00a0 They wanted to extend this \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tmatching challenge through Sunday night.\u00a0 That\u2019s an additional $170,000 good for all gifts we receive by this Sunday night.\u00a0 But that means we only have five days left now.\u00a0 Here\u2019s what I\u2019m asking, would you do whatever you can do this week.\u00a0 Keeping in mind that your gift will be doubled up to $170,000.\u00a0 Help us take full advantage of these new matching funds that will enable us to stay on this radio station and our full network of stations all across the country.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow I want you to hear me on this.\u00a0\u00a0 To try to raise this amount of money in this period of time is a huge challenge.\u00a0 Would you pray and would you consider giving so that we can take full advantage of this $170,000 of matching money.\u00a0 You can donate on line at FamilyLife Today.com or you can donate by phone at 1-800-FLTODAY.\u00a0 Again, I want to say thank you for your ongoing support of FamilyLife especially during these financially challenging times.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And now as a public service, FamilyLife presents four ways to load a dishwasher.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHere\u2019s the President of FamilyLife, Dennis Rainey.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> There are four ways for a man to load a dishwasher.\u00a0 The first one is how \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\the has been trained by his mother:\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Begin taped segment.]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Mom:<\/strong> Now, dear, when you load the dishes, always put the cleanest plates near \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tthe center.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Boy:<\/strong> Okay, mom.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Mom:<\/strong> And, honey, rinse the glasses before you load them.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Boy:<\/strong> Oh, okay.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0[End taped segment.]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> The second way for a man to load a dishwasher is the way he would load \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tit if his wife is in the house:\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Begin taped segment.]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Woman:<\/strong> Honey, didn\u2019t your mother teach you anything?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Man:<\/strong> She taught me to rinse the glasses before I put them in.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Woman:<\/strong> Honey, always put the cleanest dishes\u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Man:<\/strong> I know, I know, on the inside so that the clean water \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Woman:<\/strong> No, silly, on the outside.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Man:<\/strong> But, I \u2026 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0[End taped segment.]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> The third way for a man to load a dishwasher is when he\u2019s just there and \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\this wife isn\u2019t there:\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0[Begin taped segment.]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Man:<\/strong> [Loud music and glass breaking.]\u00a0 Plates; teacups; there, skillet.\u00a0 Sure, this can fit, \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tget in there.\u00a0 Yeah, soap.\u00a0 Okay, what\u2019s next?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0[End taped segment.]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 And finally, the fourth approved way for a man to load a dishwasher when he is \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tat his mother-in-law\u2019s house:\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0[Begin taped segment.]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Woman:<\/strong> Hi, mom.\u00a0 That was a great dinner.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Mom:<\/strong> Thanks, dear.\u00a0 Judy, could you give me a hand with the dishwasher?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Woman:<\/strong> Sure, mom, but hasn\u2019t Roger already loaded the dishes?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Mom:<\/strong> Yes, dear, but Roger is so incompetent about these things.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Woman:<\/strong> I bet I have showed him how to load that thing at least a dozen times.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Mom:<\/strong> I\u2019ll bet he didn\u2019t rinse the glasses either.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0[End taped segment.]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Thanks for joining us.\u00a0 We\u2019re not going to be talking about dishwashers all day on \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tthe program.\u00a0 [Laughs.]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> We\u2019re not, but we are talking about expectations early in marriage \u2026 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Uh-huh.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2026 especially as you start your marriage out right.\u00a0 And I\u2019ll tell you, Bob, men, \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tthey really deserve some kind of heroic medal for learning how to make the necessary \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tadjustments on how to load a dishwasher.\u00a0 I mean, think of how this scars them \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tpsychologically.\u00a0 [Laughs.]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I have to tell a story here that gives equal time, because I have a friend of mine \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\twho, when he got married, his wife had grown up and she had never \u2026 are you ready? \u2026 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tshe had never had to do dishes in her house the whole time she\u2019d grown up.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> So she didn\u2019t know how to load a dishwasher?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> She didn\u2019t know anything about a dishwasher.\u00a0 And after she got it all loaded the \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tfirst time she took the dishwashing detergent that you use there in the sink and she loaded \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tup the dishwasher with that dishwashing detergent that she used in the sink.\u00a0 Now, the \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tdishwashing detergent for the sink \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Like Joy liquid you mean?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> That\u2019s what I mean.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Whoa.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> It\u2019s a little more concentrated that what normally goes in the dishwasher.\u00a0 And the \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\thusband told me as he recounted this story that, well, he realized it when he started seeing \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tsoap coming out of the cracks in the dishwasher as the machine was going for the first \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\ttime.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> [Laughs.]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> He said, bless her heart, she just didn\u2019t know any better.\u00a0 So it\u2019s not just men who \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tneed help in knowing how to load the dishwasher; sometimes it can be a woman.\u00a0 But it\u2019s \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tusually men.\u00a0 [Chuckles.]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yeah, it usually is men.\u00a0 And, you know, early in our marriage we didn\u2019t have a \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tdishwasher.\u00a0 You\u2019re looking at him.\u00a0 I mean, I did it.\u00a0 And I can\u2019t say that I appreciated, at that point in our marriage, our differences.\u00a0 All this week we\u2019re talking about expectations and the adjustments we must make in meeting our mate\u2019s expectations or knowing how to handle it when our mate, or our spouse, doesn\u2019t meet our expectations.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd Proverbs, chapter 13, verse 12 has been our \u2026 our verse all this week: \u201cHope deferred makes the heart sick, but desire fulfilled is a tree of life.\u201d\u00a0 And I can tell you that this area of loading the dishwasher is just symptomatic, Bob, of a huge area where \u2026 we have a list of 25 adjustments that every couple, I believe, must make if they\u2019re going to achieve oneness in their marriage and see a marriage that goes the distance.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Well, we talked yesterday about big things like your spiritual relationship with one \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tanother, and finances.\u00a0 Loading the dishwasher seems like a gnat in a marriage \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\trelationship.\u00a0 Is it really all that big a deal?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Well, that\u2019s not the problem, it\u2019s a symptom.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 The problem is that we\u2019re different \u2026 and we marry one another because we\u2019re \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tdifferent; male and female it says in Genesis, chapter 2.\u00a0 He created them, okay?\u00a0 Why \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\twas I attracted to Barbara?\u00a0 She was different than I was.\u00a0 It\u2019s interesting that the \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tdifferences that attracted us to one another before we get married, how much those \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tdifferences end up repelling us later on after we get married.\u00a0 And I load the dishwasher \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tone way and Barbara goes, you do not know how to load it in the approved way.\u00a0 Now, \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\twe\u2019ve been married 28 years \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> [Chuckles.]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I\u2019m telling you \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You got it down yet?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I don\u2019t.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> [Laughs.]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I\u2019m just thinking of all these poor guys starting out their marriage together.\u00a0 You \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tneed to learn early that your differences \u2026 well, that there are places where you need to \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tdefer to her differences.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Mm-hmm.\u00a0 But you\u2019re not just talking about gender differences, you\u2019re talking \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tabout differences in backgrounds, differences in the way we do things, differences in how \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\twe were brought up, differences in the way we approach life, right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yeah, preferences for one thing.\u00a0 It\u2019s not a issue of one person being right and \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tthe other person being wrong.\u00a0 In fact, 28 years into our marriage we\u2019re still laughing \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tabout this.\u00a0 She\u2019ll say, this is how you should do this, and I\u2019ll say, well, there\u2019s more than \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tone way to do that, isn\u2019t there, sweetheart?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut these unmet expectations, we\u2019re laughing about them now but someone once said \u2026 made the statement, \u201cThe person who says that small things don\u2019t bother them has never slept in a room with a mosquito.\u201d\u00a0 Little things can bother you, and they can become more than irritants; they can kind of stick in your \u2026 in your heart and they can result in not only unmet expectations and disappointment and hurt, but they can fester and you can become angry about it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Dennis, these are the things that cause couples to go seek counseling or to go see a \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tlawyer.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yeah, and you\u2019ve got to learn how to deal with one another\u2019s differences.\u00a0 So \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tdon\u2019t resent the way your spouse does something, even though they may do it differently \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tthan how you would want it done.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Okay, but who gives in, who flexes, who adjusts to whom?\u00a0 Who decides which \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tway the socks ought to be put in the laundry hamper?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I think Jesus spoke to that very clearly.\u00a0 He said, \u201cUnless a grain of wheat fall on \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tthe ground and die, it bears forth no fruit.\u201d\u00a0 And I think the issue for both husband and \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\twife is that we need to die; we need to die to some of our own expectations and defer to \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tthe other person.\u00a0 That means you don\u2019t nit-pick them to death.\u00a0 Don\u2019t use your tongue \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tlike an ice pick to chip away at them and constantly harp at them or nag at them that \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tthey\u2019re not doing it the way you would want them to do it.\u00a0 Instead, let things go.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> But in some areas, Dennis, our differences end up being significant differences.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou put on the list of adjustments the whole area of communication \u2026 and this is an area \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\twhere our different styles of communicating can create some serious conflict in a \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tmarriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> We get married to be intimate with one another, to know and be known and to \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\texperience transparency.\u00a0 I remember when Barbara and I were dating and she lived in \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDallas, and I did, too, and we would go out at her apartment complex and we would sit \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\ton the steps until 2:00 a.m. in the morning, just talking.\u00a0 After we got married I can still \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tremember the drive from Houston, Texas all the way to Boulder, Colorado.\u00a0 And I \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tremember on the way up there, there were moments of silence where she didn\u2019t have \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tanything to say.\u00a0 And later on in our marriage I would ask her what she was thinking and \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tshe would say, \u201cNothing.\u201d\u00a0 And it was one of those words that you knew needed to be \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tunpacked a bit.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Mm-hmm.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And yet, she needed to communicate and share with me what she was feeling, \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tbut she didn\u2019t know what she was feeling.\u00a0 She was all wrapped up in her emotions and \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tshe was discouraged or disappointed or angry with me about something I did do or didn\u2019t \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tdo.\u00a0 And I was just a young man starting out our marriage.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t know how to handle \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tthose moments when what she was thinking about was \u201cnothing.\u201d\u00a0 And I didn\u2019t know \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\twhat to do and how to communicate through that.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd here\u2019s where expectations going unmet is so important.\u00a0 It takes years for a man to \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tlearn how to become a husband and speak \u201cwoman.\u201d\u00a0 Now, he\u2019s never going to become a \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\twoman.\u00a0 You didn\u2019t marry him, ladies, to become a woman, you ..\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And you don\u2019t want him to.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> No, but you do want him to speak \u201cwoman.\u201d\u00a0 You do want him to know how to \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\trelate to you in a tender way, like Stu Weber talks about, being a \u201ctender warrior\u201d on \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tyour behalf.\u00a0 And it takes years for a woman to learn how to speak with a man and how \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tto understand what her man is thinking and when he wants to talk and when he needs to \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tbe left alone.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And to understand that when he\u2019s thinking out loud about, \u201cI wonder what it would \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tbe like to live in Arizona,\u201d that doesn\u2019t mean that he\u2019s planning to sell the house and \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tmove the family, right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I mean, there are times, again, in our communication where we miss each other \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tsimply because we don\u2019t understand what we\u2019re doing in our communication.\u00a0 We talk at \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tthe FamilyLife Marriage Conference, Dennis, about the need to be more clear in \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\texpressing ourselves to each other and to become better listeners.\u00a0 And this is an area \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\twhere husbands and wives can take some \u00a0quantum leaps in their communication \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tability if they\u2019ll just listen to what the other person is saying and to what the emotion \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tbehind what\u2019s being said is.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And again, the reason it\u2019s so natural before we get married is because we\u2019re all \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tgeared up to understand one another and sit and gaze into one another\u2019s eyes and think \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tdeeply about what they\u2019re saying, but after we get married the prize is won, the contest is \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tover, and you no longer have to compete \u2026 we think in our own minds \u2026 we no longer \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\thave to compete in this area of listening to your spouse, and so now you begin to see your \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tdifferences really come out in this area of communication. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut we have to learn early in our marriage, Bob, to listen to our spouse and their style of communicating, and realize it\u2019s not a matter of meeting them halfway; it\u2019s a matter of understanding who they are.\u00a0 There are times when they need to be left alone.\u00a0 There are times when they need to be drawn out.\u00a0 There are times when you need to drop what you\u2019re doing and go for a walk; go for a drive.\u00a0 There are times when you need to leave them alone, let them sort it out, and then discuss it a little later in the evening.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThose are all expectations in the marriage relationship that as a young couple starts out \u2026 I think sometimes these young couples, in their early years of marriage, are so trying to do things so perfectly and so right, and they get so focused on applying all these principles and at the same time they don\u2019t give one another space just to work through it and grow.\u00a0 The marriage relationship starts with two nearly total strangers with one another, and you begin living with one another and this art of communication is developed over a lifetime together.\u00a0 And I can promise you, if you focus on it it really will be that familiar friend who really does communicate well with you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> There\u2019s probably one person in each relationship who is listening to you right now \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tgoing, I would love to have more communication with my spouse but my spouse is just \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tnot a communicator.\u00a0 Is there anything I can do to make communication a higher priority \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tfor my spouse than it currently is?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> The first thing I would do is reflect back on your dating days, and what were the \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tcircumstances, the environments and the surroundings that allowed you to communicate \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tback then?\u00a0 Was it going and doing things around a sporting event?\u00a0 Was it talks?\u00a0 Was it \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\ta chunk of time?\u00a0 Some of those have to be replicated in the marriage relationship in \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\torder to recreate the opportunity to communicate.\u00a0 And early in marriage I think many \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\ttimes we make the mistake of stopping our courtship.\u00a0 We no longer date one another and \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tno longer pursue one another.\u00a0 If you\u2019re going to meet one another\u2019s expectations and \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tkeep disappointment minimal you need to pursue your spouse, especially in the area of \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tcommunication.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd it\u2019s at this point I want to address the men.\u00a0 Your assignment, men, not should you \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tdecide to accept it \u2026 no, if you are a husband, you\u2019ve already [chuckles] \u2026 you\u2019ve \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\talready accepted the challenge.\u00a0 Your assignment is over your lifetime to learn how to \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tcommunicate as a man with your wife in a way that pleases and nourishes and cherishes \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tyour wife\u2019s soul.\u00a0 You need to become a student of how to communicate with her, and to \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\ther, and for her in such a way that she feels like she\u2019s been understood, she\u2019s been heard, \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tthat things that are discussed, even points of disappointment where you haven\u2019t met \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\texpectations \u2026 you can use this one right here to reduce the disappointment and hurt if \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tyou do a good job communicating.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob, I know what I\u2019m talking about because just the other night I didn\u2019t meet an expectation of Barbara, and she was hurt.\u00a0 And so I paused and I listened.\u00a0 And I listened to what she said.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t allow my mind to wander, I didn\u2019t walk off while she was talking, I didn\u2019t get angry, I didn\u2019t get defensive; many of the things that I might have done in our early years of marriage.\u00a0 Instead, I gave her full attention.\u00a0 After she was finished I looked her in the eyes and I said, \u201cYou know, you\u2019re right.\u00a0 I think I understand exactly how you feel.\u201d\u00a0 And I began to tell her what she had told me.\u00a0 Then I said, \u201cDid I get it?\u201d\u00a0 And she said, \u201cYou got it.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd you know what?\u00a0 It took \u2026 it was almost like some concrete that had been poured where somebody had come in with a stick and etched it \u2026 and broke it up.\u00a0 And it was like my listening and conversation back with her took a trowel and just smoothed over while the concrete was still wet, and allowed us to have a point of understanding and to really continue to build a foundation in our marriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Part of what you\u2019re talking about here really ties in with one of the other \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tadjustments that\u2019s on your list, and that is how we resolve conflict.\u00a0 Communication is a \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tbig part of that.\u00a0 In fact, oftentimes we\u2019ve found that the conflict has more to do with how \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\twe\u2019ve been expressing ourselves to one another in the communication process than it \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tdoes what we were talking about in the first place.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yeah.\u00a0 I wish at this point I had some of the testimonials from couples who had \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tattended one of our FamilyLife marriage conferences, and just let them, at this point, step in and tell you how important being equipped in this area has become in their marriage.\u00a0 But couple after couple go through these Weekends to Remember that are held on a Friday night, all day Saturday and all day Sunday, and they come out of it saying, for the first time in our lives together we now have a common way to resolve conflict.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, what they had in common before was conflict.\u00a0 They both were experiencing conflict with one another but they didn\u2019t have common tools to be able to resolve the issues together as a couple.\u00a0 And so, as a result, if you have an unmet expectation, you get hurt, you\u2019re disappointed, you get angry, but if there isn\u2019t a way to resolve that anger it does become resentment.\u00a0 You do hold that in, you do begin to punish, and you begin to punish your spouse way on down the road for things that are really minor issues when the real thing that has hurt you occurred in year one of your marriage and you didn\u2019t have the ability to know how to move beyond that and forgive one another.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo the first thing you need to know in making the adjustment to resolve conflict is realize that all conflict in marriage is normal and will occur in a marriage relationship.\u00a0 You\u2019re not weird to experience conflict.\u00a0 It\u2019s not wrong for two people, a husband and a wife, to experience disagreement and therefore conflict in a marriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> In fact, Dennis, this is an area \u2026 as you said, it\u2019s common to all marriages, but this \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tis the area that\u2019s been identified as the critical skill for couples if they\u2019re going to make a \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tmarriage work.\u00a0 If you don\u2019t know how to resolve conflict when it occurs in your \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tmarriage then you\u2019re going to have just that buildup of ongoing frustration and anger and \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tpain that\u2019s going to lead couples to \u2026 to want to abandon their relationship.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> As you were talking I was thinking back over 28 years of marriage and how \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tmany conflicts we had in our first months, first years, over those childbearing years when we had six children in 10 years, the pressure of the ministry when it was growing 40 percent a year throughout the \u201880s and early \u201890s, and how that all came \u2026 really came down on our marriage and we had all kinds of conflict.\u00a0 Had we not been equipped to know how to deal with hundreds \u2026 and I daresay there have been hundreds if not thousands of situations where there has been conflict that we\u2019ve had to deal with, Bob, we would be angry at each other today.\u00a0 We wouldn\u2019t have a relationship; we wouldn\u2019t be enjoying one another.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut I can sit here before you right now and tell you I have nothing against Barbara.\u00a0 I feel confident she doesn\u2019t have anything against me \u2026 at least I don\u2019t think \u2026 right now.\u00a0 She might have before the \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Before the day\u2019s over.\u00a0 [Chuckles.]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2026 before the evening\u2019s over \u2026 I may make a mistake \u2026 but we both have a \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tcommon way to resolve conflict.\u00a0 And that is, speak the truth in love.\u00a0 So you confront the issue.\u00a0 Secondly, you ask for forgiveness.\u00a0 And third, you grant forgiveness when you\u2019ve been wronged.\u00a0 And then you make restitution, really, as a fourth way that we resolve conflict.\u00a0 If you will apply those four principles over and over and over again in your marriage \u2026 and sometimes they\u2019re applied over a matter of hours.\u00a0 It\u2019s not a matter of just clicking them off like you flip a switch.\u00a0 It\u2019s a process whereby you work through it as a couple.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut every newly married couple needs to listen to me carefully.\u00a0 If you don\u2019t establish the right habits, the right disciplines in resolving conflict, you\u2019re headed for an atomic explosion, three, five, ten years down the road because someday all those unresolved issues are all going to finally become so heavy, so weighty, one of you \u2026 on of you is either going to walk out or explode in front of the other one.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> What are those four things again \u2026 the four patterns you talked about?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Number one, speak the truth in love.\u00a0 Number two, ask forgiveness when you\u2019ve \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\twronged the other person.\u00a0 Number three, grant forgiveness when you\u2019ve been hurt.\u00a0 And number four, seek restitution; make it right.\u00a0 Make sure your spouse knows that you understand and you\u2019re willing to not just keep on repeating this process over and over and over again.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Forgiveness is at the heart of all of this, isn\u2019t it?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Forgiveness means that we give up the right of punishment.\u00a0 Jesus talked about \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tthe seven times 70 club, that we should forgive our neighbor seven times 70, an infinite number of times.\u00a0 And that means that it\u2019s never our right to hold onto a grudge.\u00a0 It is our biblical responsibility before God to give up our right of punishment and to put it away.\u00a0 Why?\u00a0 Because Ephesians, chapter four, at the end of that chapter it says, \u201cforgiving one another as God, in Christ, forgave you.\u201d\u00a0 We are to forgive one another.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd, Bob, there\u2019s probably no more practical application in dealing with unmet expectations than becoming a skilled person who knows how to resolve conflict in the marriage relationship.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You know, you talk about this in your book, <em>Starting Your Marriage Right<\/em>, and \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tit\u2019s something we spend two sessions on at the FamilyLife Marriage Conference.\u00a0 If couples don\u2019t learn how to resolve conflict, there will be this excess build-up in a marriage relationship, and that\u2019s why early on you\u2019ve got to get the right patterns established.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you would like more information about the book, <em>Starting Your Marriage Right<\/em>, it\u2019s available from us here at FamilyLife you can go online at FamilyLifeToday .com or you can call us at 1-800-FL-TODAY.\u00a0 If you know a couple that is not yet married but they are making plans to be married in the couple of months consider getting them a copy of the <em>Preparing for Marriage <\/em>workbooks that we\u2019ve put together.\u00a0 These are designed to supplement the premarital counseling that they are hopefully getting in their local church.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAgain, the toll-free number is 1-800-FL-TODAY, or you can go online for information about these resources at FamilyLifeToday.com.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTomorrow we\u2019re going to talk about the importance of putting some healthy hedges and boundaries around a new marriage in order to protect it.\u00a0 I hope you can be back for that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThanks to our engineer today, Keith Lynch and our entire broadcast production team.\u00a0 On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I\u2019m Bob Lepine.\u00a0 We will see you back tomorrow for another edition of FamilyLife Today.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFamilyLife Today is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas.\u00a0 Help for today.\u00a0 Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts for you. However, there is a cost to transcribe, create, and produce them for our website. If you've benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright \u00a9 FamilyLife. 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