{"id":301814,"date":"2009-04-24T11:00:00","date_gmt":"2009-04-24T15:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/how-do-i-rebuild-trust\/"},"modified":"2009-04-24T11:00:00","modified_gmt":"2009-04-24T15:00:00","slug":"how-do-i-rebuild-trust","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/how-do-i-rebuild-trust\/","title":{"rendered":"How do I Rebuild Trust?"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Trust, once broken, isn\u2019t easily mended.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2009-04-24.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:","filesize":"10.85M","filesize_raw":"11376208","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2903],"tags":[5062,4377,4874],"podcast_series":[7642],"cwp_profile":[3383],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-301814","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-infidelity","tag-adultery","tag-affair","tag-infidelity","podcast_series-torn-asunder","cwp_profile-dave-carder","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/301814\/how-do-i-rebuild-trust","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/301814\/how-do-i-rebuild-trust","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"N4tN0kkY7o\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/how-do-i-rebuild-trust\/\">How do I Rebuild Trust?<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/how-do-i-rebuild-trust\/embed\/#?secret=N4tN0kkY7o\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;How do I Rebuild Trust?&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"N4tN0kkY7o\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var 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involved with somebody at a school where he taught, and it was a secret experience and she never knew anything about it and, finally, it was discovered by the school administration and brought to light, and they were transferred and separated, and that's how this wife found out about the affair \u2013 her husband lost his job.\u00a0 And, suddenly, her whole world exploded and imploded.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> This is FamilyLife Today for Friday, April 24th.\u00a0 Our host is the president of FamilyLife, Dennis Rainey, and I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 There is tremendous fallout from infidelity, but there is hope for couples who have been through an affair.\u00a0 We'll talk about that today.\u00a0 Stay with us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to FamilyLife Today, thanks for joining us on the Friday edition.\u00a0 And, quickly, let me remind our regular listeners about the special offer that we're making this week to those of you who are listeners.\u00a0 We are trying to encourage folks to attend one of the upcoming Weekend to Remember Marriage Conferences we're hosting in cities all across the country this month, next month, and into June.\u00a0 We've already had thousands of you out attending one of our conferences already this spring, and we decided it's time to come to our listeners and challenge those of you who have never been to a conference, to get on board, spend a weekend together focusing on your marriage, laughing, having a good time, relaxing in a great setting and focusing on your relationship.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo if you register between now and the end of the month to attend a conference, and you identify yourself as a FamilyLife Today listener, here is what we're doing.\u00a0 You register for the conference at the regular rate, and we'll give you a second registration for free.\u00a0 Basically, you guy a registration for yourself, and your spouse comes along with you at no cost.\u00a0 And, by the way, it's best to have your spouse along with you when you attend one of these conferences.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAll the details are online at FamilyLifeToday.com.\u00a0 You can register online.\u00a0 If you do that, you have to identify yourself as a FamilyLife Today listener, so type the word \"Bob\" in the keycode box on the registration form, and we'll know that you're tuned into FamilyLife Today and you'll qualify for the special offer.\u00a0 Or call 1-800-FLTODAY, register over the phone.\u00a0 Just mention you listen to FamilyLife Today, and you want to take advantage of the special offer.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAgain, the number is 1-800-FLTODAY, the website if FamilyLifeToday.com.\u00a0 Register for an upcoming Weekend to Remember at the regular price, and your second registration, your spouse's registration, is absolutely free.\u00a0 And we hope to hear from you.\u00a0 If you have any questions, call us \u2013 1-800-FLTODAY or look online at FamilyLifeToday.com.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, we've been talking all this week about affairs and about infidelity and, you know, routinely, we will get e-mails like \u2013 well, I've got some of these in front of us.\u00a0 Here is one \u2013 \"My husband filed for divorce after nine months of separation.\u00a0 We've been married for 15 years, but he fell in love with and is living with a young woman from the office.\"\u00a0 Here is another one from somebody who wrote and said, \"How do you suggest I handle this situation?\u00a0 My husband and I have been for married 21 years.\u00a0 Two years ago he told me he was not in love with me any longer, he was moving out.\u00a0 I found out at that point that he'd had a couple of affairs.\u00a0 He moved back in, continued to have affairs.\" \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0You know, you read these things, and it just seems like what we've been addressing this week, the issue of adultery in marriage is something that is at almost rampant proportions in the church and, our guest this week, Dave Carder, has told us that, in fact, as many as 40 percent of people in the church today have gone through an affair in their marriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> That's right and, Dave, as I welcome you back to FamilyLife Today, again, I want to say thanks for your really groundbreaking work in helping us understand the betrayal of an affair and, as a counselor, as a pastor, as a husband, now a grandfather, you've had a lot of life experience that you've passed on in your book, \"Torn Asunder,\" that I believe every married couple really needs if they're going to move on in their relationship.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> And the book has proven helpful over the years.\u00a0 In fact, the workbook is really a compilation of all the stuff I used to photocopy and pass out to couples over 15, 20 years.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Luke 17:3 makes an interesting statement.\u00a0 I want to focus on this today \u2013 \"If your brother has a trespass against you, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him.\"\u00a0 Forgiveness is at the core if we're going to rebuild trust.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Is that where we start, Dave?\u00a0 I mean, we talked yesterday about the explosion of coming clean, whether it's being found out or 'fessing up.\u00a0 Once that's happened, what does the rebuilding process look like?\u00a0 Does it start with forgiveness?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Well, it starts first with taking a marital history, and as you do that, as you both develop this forgiveness letter, I call it, about your marriage, you suddenly \u2013 the playing field is more level, and you're both engaged and joining in and working together about making things right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI've got to tell you an illustration \u2013 this is a great story.\u00a0 I had a couple I worked with, and I told this guy, I said, \"In the marriage, you both have contributed to the marital deterioration, and you both need to identify things.\"\u00a0 So as he read his letter, he said, \"I want to apologize for putting your dog to sleep while you were away on a business trip.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd I sat and listened to that, and I thought, \"What is that all about?\"\u00a0 Well, what had happened was, this was a dog she brought into the marriage, and the dog had grown old over the course of time, and the vet said it needed to be put to sleep, but she was out of town on a major presentation.\u00a0 He didn't want to call her and upset her that their vet put the dog to sleep, so he went ahead and put the dog to sleep, and she never had a chance to say goodbye.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd that hurt had been in that marriage for years.\u00a0 She understood it, but he'd never really acknowledged what kind of pain and loss and everything else it had generated in her.\u00a0 It's those kinds of things that we often don't recognize where we've hurt our spouse that we need to mention. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> So this letter you're talking about is something where you'd have a husband a wife sit down, and they write a letter to one another, and they own up to their stuff?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Mm-hm.\u00a0 I asked him, I said, \"You make a list of all your contributions that you've put in the marriage that caused it to deteriorate.\u00a0 Somewhere \u2013 seven to 10, I tell them \u2013 items.\u00a0 And then they write this \u2013 \"I was wrong when I did\" \u2013 \"I know this must have made you feel\" blank blank blank, \"will you forgive me?\"\u00a0 \"I was wrong when I did\" contribution number 2.\u00a0 \"I know this must have caused you to feel\" blank blank blank, \"will you forgive me?\" and you just work your way through that list and read that to each other out loud.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Now, you said \"each other.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Each other.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Don't you get some people who \u2013 you know, he writes a letter and says, \"I want to apologize for the affair, I know it's made\" \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> No, no, no, this isn't about the affair.\u00a0 This is about the marriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Okay, \"I want to apologize for how I've insulted your appearance through the years.\u00a0 I realize how that makes you feel, and will you forgive me?\"\u00a0 Meanwhile, she's saying, \"I want to apologize for not folding your socks.\"\u00a0 I mean, some people who are really owning up to major stuff, and the other person is just kind of saying, \"I don't see that I've done all that much so, okay, well, maybe I don't put the toilet seat down when I'm done,\" you know?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Okay, now, remember \u2013 we're talking about marriages that have gone through infidelity.\u00a0 There are some bad things that have happened on both sides \u2013 almost invariably.\u00a0 Now, maybe a Class 1 has happened in a very good marriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Class 1 is the one-night stand.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> The one-night stand, right.\u00a0 But, for the most part, they have hurt each other back and forth through the years \u2013 she did this, he did that, he did that, and then she did this type of thing.\u00a0 So that's the kind of stuff they have to identify early on.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen there is a second letter written about the affair where he acknowledges the various involvements with this particular person.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Is there a response at that point for the wounded spouse to be able to share what that betrayal did to him or did to her and how she feels about it and how it's costing her today and what she's thinking about and the emotional weight of it all?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Oh, absolutely.\u00a0 She has three responses to every item \u2013 \"Yes, I'll forgive you,\" \"No, I won't forgive you,\" \"I can't forgive you right now, but I\u2019m working on it.\"\u00a0 And so some of those she'll forgive, some of them she won't, some of them it's going to take more time, and the wife should be the one that controls that process.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> We're talking about this ongoing process of forgiveness, and you've had us writing a couple of letters.\u00a0 One, where we talk about a lot of marriage issues before we ever get to the affair, now a letter that deals related to the affair.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI've talked to guys, Dave, who have come up to me at Weekend to Remember conferences, and they would say, \"I had an affair three years ago.\u00a0 I confessed it to my wife.\u00a0 We've been in counseling, and she not only won't forgive me, she still holds it, she still brings it up, but she doesn't trust me.\u00a0 I can't rebuild the trust with her.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I would say to him, \"You have not identified how you hurt your wife.\u00a0 You might have identified what you did, but you didn't identify how it made her feel.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Now, let me stop you there, because you targeted him.\u00a0 You didn't even have a suspicion about her that \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Because guys are great at compartmentalizing, like we've referred to earlier, and they don't identify how their behavior affects the wife's feelings.\u00a0 When he nails the feeling that his behavior, his specific behavior developed inside of her, she will melt.\u00a0 She'll break into tears, and she will grieve. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, there are some unique circumstances, and I've seen a few of those over the years but, for the most part, that's the way the system works.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> So you're saying one of the reasons that she's not able to release him from the consequences of his behavior, one of the reasons she won't forgive him is because in her own heart she doesn't think he knows \u2013 he could still do that again \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> He could, and he doesn't understand how he really hurt her.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And it's back to the principle we shared on an earlier broadcast \u2013 you make the point \u2013 the chance of healing for the marriage relationship and rebuilding trust occurs when the infidel finally understands what the betrayal cost his marriage.\u00a0 What kind of grief and anguish he has brought upon his or her spouse.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Actually, that woman who won't forgive is hurting herself.\u00a0 She's becoming a bitter, angry old lady, and most women don't like being like that.\u00a0 They maybe have had other experiences with other females in their lives \u2013 mothers, aunts, et cetera.\u00a0 They don't like that kind of picture.\u00a0 So they're very quick to forgive when you actually identify what the feeling is that you've done to them.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Dave, as we rebuild trust, trust has the opportunity to begin to flourish once forgiveness has occurred.\u00a0 But trust is earned.\u00a0 I mean, the man who has been an infidel can't go back to work with a secretary and hang out with her.\u00a0 Or the woman who has been unfaithful to the man can't go back to the church choir or the small group study where she met the man.\u00a0 There has to be a change of pattern, a change of behavior that gives the betrayed spouse hope \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2026 and confidence.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> That's right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> That it won't happen again.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Trust has to be rebuilt; it takes time, doesn't it?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> It does.\u00a0 And it takes a change in behavior, like you said, in order for that to happen.\u00a0 Actually, whenever you forgive, bit-by-bit, you are able to build trust bit by bit.\u00a0 You don't even rebuild trust to the point that you have forgiven, so that's the encouragement \u2013 to keep forgiving so that you continue to rebuild trust.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThere are some rules, though, about rebuilding trust.\u00a0 No surprises \u2013 this is not the time to surprise your spouse.\u00a0 This is the time to be very predictable, reliable.\u00a0 Secondly, prior to the fact \u2013 in other words, if you're going to have to change something \u2013 you're going to have to be a little late, you're not going to be able to show up, you're not going to be able to do this errand, you tell them prior to the fact and don't ask forgiveness afterwards.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> That's very good.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Because it will destroy this confidence.\u00a0 The anxiety begins to go up.\u00a0 And there's one more thing \u2013 it's keeping your word.\u00a0 Keeping your word is one of the most godlike things you can ever have or practice in your life.\u00a0 It's what distinguishes you from animals \u2013 to say you're going to do something and then to follow through with it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I've said to couples over and over again \u2013 trust is rebuilt.\u00a0 I give them a formula \u2013 CV\/T.\u00a0 That's consistent behavior over time.\u00a0 If you're going to rebuild trust, it's going to be by being consistently faithful and honest and predictable, like you said, over a long period of time, and people will say, \"Well, how long?\"\u00a0 And I'll say, \"As long as it takes.\"\u00a0 If you set off the explosion in your marriage, and you want to know how long do I have to stay consistent?\u00a0 I would say \"Maybe forever.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Well, it feels very tight and controlling at first, but if there's been a good history of trust in the marriage, then the trust will come back more quickly.\u00a0 If there's been a poor history of trust in the marriage, it's going to take longer.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Can you think of a couple who came into your office after the explosion, sat down, and said \"Here is our deal.\"\u00a0 You did a family history, you looked at their marital satisfaction, and you thought to yourself, \"The odds are against this couple ever rebuilding, and yet God did a work.\"\u00a0 Can you think of a couple like that?\u00a0 Can you tell us their story?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I can.\u00a0 I can think of a number of couples like that, but let's just choose this one particular couple.\u00a0 He got involved with somebody at a school where he taught, and it was a secret experience, and she never knew anything about it, and finally it was discovered by the school administration, and brought to light, and they were transferred and separated, and that's how this wife found out about the affair \u2013 her husband lost his job.\u00a0 So not only was there the infidelity that destroyed the marriage, suddenly the financial picture of the family was devastated, and suddenly her whole world exploded and imploded.\u00a0 And as they began to work through some of these issues one step at a time, it took them several years to finally get back on track with his career, et cetera.\u00a0 But, through it all, she \u2013 and she was on the verge of leaving him.\u00a0 She actually moved out.\u00a0 She moved in with her parents, took the two kids, they lost their home, and they were destitute.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd it was very difficult for her to admit she'd done much wrong because everybody said she was the perfect wife, it was the perfect marriage, but there was a very narrow component where this school administrator had an affinity with this teacher that was in a world apart from what his wife was involved in.\u00a0 And her \u2013 that woman \u2013 that teacher's affirmation and accommodation, all that kind of stuff we talked about, really built that relationship between the two of them.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd, finally, when he was able to identify that to her and to approach it as it was not about our marriage, it's not about you, it was about me and my need for affection, my need for affirmation, my need for adoration, I succumbed.\u00a0 And that woman that I got involved with, was better at seducing me than I was at saying no.\u00a0 And when he finally said that to her in a session, it was, like, finally, you know, I can begin to understand that you really do understand what you did and how you did and why you did it.\u00a0 And I do think people send out signals, and I think he was sending out signals, and I think this woman picked up on it, and took him to task.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> But over the long haul, working through a lot of what you've outlined in your book, with the determination that this couple wanted to do what was right before the Lord, they not only got to a point where they were able to reestablish their relationship, but have you kept in touch with them?\u00a0 Do you know what their marriage is like today?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> That marriage is doing great.\u00a0 They have a ministry to couples in their church who are going through this experience.\u00a0 I told them, I said, \"You work on this, and you say the 2 Corinthians 1, 3, and 4 says God will bring to you couples who need exactly what you have to offer and what you've experienced.\u00a0 He's not going to waste this recovery process just on you alone.\"\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd they didn't believe it.\u00a0 And then couples started showing up right and left, and they've got a great ministry and, of course, they don't take anything from anybody because they've been there.\u00a0 They're just like an AA guy.\u00a0 You know, he's been drunk, he knows what it's like.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> That passage you referenced is such a powerful passage \u2013 \"that the God of all comfort will comfort you and then you can take the comfort you've received from Him, and you can minister that same comfort to others.\"\u00a0 And what a powerful message of redemption that is.\u00a0 You know, most people want to run and hide from it.\u00a0 God wants to take it and unleash ministry through it.\u00a0 And we need to rejoice in that opportunity.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> We really do, and there's one aspect of this whole process of an affair and recovering from an affair that we haven't talked about, Dave.\u00a0 It's that of how an affair is really a fantasy relationship.\u00a0 It's not a reality-based relationship, and I want you to comment on that in just a moment. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut I just want to turn to our audience, Bob, and I want to challenge them to get this book and the workbook, and there may be some who are listening who have recovered from an affair and who have rebuilt trust, and their marriage is strong enough now to begin to take on the responsibility, like Dave was talking about, of passing on to other couples what they've learned in their church.\u00a0 And I'm going to tell you, the church is a great place for this healing and redemption to occur.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Those couples ought to look at getting a dozen copies of the book and a dozen coies of the workbook, and when they hear about a couple where adultery has surfacedin the relationship, they can go knock on their door and say, \"You know what?\u00a0 We've been through that.\u00a0 God has done a work in our marriage, and He can do a work in your marriage, too, and we want to give you this book and this workbook, and we'd be willing to go through it with you.\u00a0 I mean, you talk about a way to engage folks and have some significant ministry in their lives, that's a powerful statement to make.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOf course, we've got copies of both the book and the workbook in our FamilyLife Resource Center.\u00a0 Go to our website, FamilyLifeToday.com, and the information about the book and the workbook are both available there.\u00a0 Again, the website is FamilyLifeToday.com and then let me encourage you \u2013 and this is, really, for every couple who is listening \u2013 whether your marriage is in a good place or it's in a rocky spot.\u00a0 Let me encourage you to get out and spend a weekend together at one of our Weekend to Remember Marriage Conferences this spring.\u00a0 We still have two or three dozen conferences taking place in cities all across the country this spring, and if you call us today to register, and you identify yourself as a FamilyLife Today listener, and you secure one registration at the regular price, we're going to give you a second registration free.\u00a0 So you register for yourself, and your spouse comes along with you at no additional cost.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe really want to encourage couples to get a marriage tuneup, no matter what shape your marriage is in, you need to invest in your relationship with one another.\u00a0 Get away for a weekend, relax, have fun, laugh, enjoy being together.\u00a0 You'll learn, you'll grow, and you'll connect in a way that you haven't connected in a while.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you want to take advantage of the special offer we're talking about, again, you have to go online at FamilyLifeToday.com or call 1-800-FLTODAY and register before the end of the month.\u00a0 You have to identify yourself as a FamilyLife Today listener.\u00a0 So if you're registering online, when you come to the keycode box on the registration form, just type in my name, \"Bob,\" or call 1-800-FLTODAY, and mention that you're a FamilyLife Today listener, and if you've got any questions, or you need to know dates and locations, the information is on the website at FamilyLifeToday.com or just give us a call at 1-800-FLTODAY, and we hope you'll plan to take advantage of this special offer and get to one of our Weekend to Remember Marriage Conferences this spring.\u00a0 Dennis?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> You know, Bob, as you were sharing about the book and the workbook, I couldn't help but think this has been an interesting week.\u00a0 I wanted to say it was a great week, but to talk about the subject of affairs and rebuilding after an affair \u2013 well, it really can be a great experience for couples to move out of sin back to life.\u00a0 And, Dave, first of all, I want to thank you again for being on the broadcast and for your work on this book, and there's two things I want to do before the broadcast is over today.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe first is I want you to comment on how affairs are really a fantasy relationship that is not real.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Well, we say about infidelity that it's also a three-legged stool.\u00a0 It's composed of childhood magic, adolescent sexuality, and adult mobility.\u00a0 Meaning that it's a bubble experience, and the childhood magic stuff \u2013 you see a couple that are having an affair, you can see they're in a bubble.\u00a0 They're separated from the real world.\u00a0 There is that adolescent passion and feeling, and there's that adult mobility \u2013 they can go anywhere that they want.\u00a0 They have discretionary funds they spend on each other.\u00a0 So it's an artificial thing, but, but \u2013 I do say to couples, most marriages need what most affairs are all about.\u00a0 And by that I mean you need to build those three components into your marriage \u2013 the childhood magic stuff \u2013 just us in our little bubble away from all the responsibilities of life, away from all the responsibilities of the children and the career, the adolescent sexuality, the fun, the playfulness we had when we first got married, the passion we had before we were married.\u00a0 We couldn't keep our hands off each other.\u00a0 It was a constant struggle.\u00a0 And that adult mobility where you go your own separate ways, you take trips together, you do your own thing, and you really have a lot of fun doing it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You're saying have an affair in your marriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Have an affair in your marriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Well, he said it, Bob.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Amen.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Here is my challenge to the audience \u2013 at the end of the week, there still is a man or a woman who have listened to us, and the challenge to you is fear God and turn away from evil.\u00a0 Choose you this day whom you will serve.\u00a0 We have listeners that are all over the chart \u2013 healthy marriages, discontented marriages, tempted in their marriage to have an affair, but we have another group who are in affairs, who need to decide now.\u00a0 And I want to ask you, Dave, I want you to pray at the conclusion of this series.\u00a0 We've talked about this all week.\u00a0 We've pleaded with our listening audience to turn back to Jesus Christ.\u00a0 Would you pray for that person who still is ensnared but who needs to get out of a trap and move toward the restoration and healing we've talked about over the past couple of days?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Sure, I'll be glad to.\u00a0 Father, I do pray for that person listening to the broadcast; that you would, first of all, give them hope.\u00a0 Many times they can't see a way out.\u00a0 Every avenue that lies before them is disaster.\u00a0 So, Father, give them hope that You will walk with them through this journey.\u00a0 Give them courage to take the first step and, Father, bring them along to the light.\u00a0 And may they experience the wonderful freedom and restoration that's in Jesus Christ.\u00a0 May they be forthright and honest with themselves and before you and to their spouse, and, Father, may their marriage be a great testimony of God's great grace.\u00a0 We ask in Jesus' name, amen.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> FamilyLife Today is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas \u2013 help for today; hope for tomorrow.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you.\u00a0 However, there is a cost to transcribe, create, and produce them for our website.\u00a0 If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/site\/c.dnJHKLNnFoG\/b.3782043\/k.384D\/Support_Us.htm\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright \u00a9 FamilyLife.\u00a0 All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 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