{"id":301805,"date":"2009-04-13T11:00:00","date_gmt":"2009-04-13T15:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/diagnosis-addiction\/"},"modified":"2009-04-13T11:00:00","modified_gmt":"2009-04-13T15:00:00","slug":"diagnosis-addiction","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/diagnosis-addiction\/","title":{"rendered":"Diagnosis:  Addiction"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Is someone you know battling an addiction?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2009-04-13.mp3","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:","filesize":"11.64M","filesize_raw":"12210058","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2840],"tags":[2872],"podcast_series":[7641],"cwp_profile":[9004],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-301805","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-addiction","tag-addiction","podcast_series-at-the-crossroads-on-addictions","cwp_profile-ed-welch","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/301805\/diagnosis-addiction","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/301805\/diagnosis-addiction","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"EWqffBbSGf\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/diagnosis-addiction\/\">Diagnosis:  Addiction<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/diagnosis-addiction\/embed\/#?secret=EWqffBbSGf\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Diagnosis:  Addiction&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"EWqffBbSGf\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2009-04-13.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2009-04-13.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> This is Bob Lepine from FamilyLife Today, and before we begin today's program, Dennis, you want to speak to our listeners, right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I do.\u00a0 You know, back before Easter, I gave up chocolate for Lent, and while I was on my chocolate fast, a friend of mine who ate a Dove chocolate in front of me gave me the wrapper.\u00a0 You know, they have little sayings on the inside.\u00a0 This one says, \"Life may change us, but we start and end with family.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd I thought, you know what?\u00a0 I want to share that with our listeners because what we're all about here on FamilyLife Today has to do with your family \u2013 equipping you with timeless biblical truth, and I want you to know something right now \u2013 I am coming to you asking for your help.\u00a0 These are incredibly challenging financial days for individuals and for ministries like ours.\u00a0 And you know, as a listener, I don't do this very often, but right now I'd like to ask you to do what you can do financially.\u00a0 Go to our website, FamilyLifeToday.com, or call our 800 number and say, \"I'd like to stand with you guys in building my family and helping me in life's most important commitments.\"\u00a0 I don't know how to say it any simpler than that, Bob.\u00a0 We are living in some challenging days that are impacting ministries and individuals, and this ministry is no exception, and we are doing a great job managing our money.\u00a0 But, right now, I need your help.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And you can help us by calling 1-800-FLTODAY to make a donation to FamilyLife Today.\u00a0 Again, your donations are tax deductible.\u00a0 1-800-FLTODAY or go online at FamilyLifeToday.com, you can make a donation online, and we want to say thanks in advance for whatever you are able to do.\u00a0 We appreciate your partnership with us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I agree.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[musical transition] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You may think of an alcoholic or a drug addict as someone who is obvious to spot; someone you'd find in a bar or out on the street.\u00a0 But author and counselor Ed Welch says it could be that the addict was sitting next to you in church last Sunday or works in the same office with you, and you don't even know it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ed:<\/strong> It's true that people who are married are in a close relationship with an addict.\u00a0 The culture of that addiction is a culture of darkness, and wherever you get that culture from, whether you want it to be in darkness because you don't want other people to know, or you are just assimilating it from the person in the addiction \u2013 that is the culture of it.\u00a0 Addiction is to thrive in the darkness.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> This is FamilyLife Today for Monday, April 13th.\u00a0 Our host is the president of FamilyLife, Dennis Rainey, and I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 We're going to see if today we can shed some light on the darkness that is addiction and the role that plays in a marriage relationship.\u00a0 Stay tuned.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to FamilyLife Today, thanks for joining us.\u00a0 Dennis, I was thinking about today's program and what we're going to be talking about this week, and I was thinking about the number of e-mails and letters that we've received from listeners over the years who have described for us marriage situations where addiction has been the defining motif of their marriage relationship.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Or of a young person in that family who is also struggling with addictions of different kinds.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And the folks who have written us have gone on to explain how those addictions have either caused the relationships to disintegrate or deteriorate or erode.\u00a0 Again, it's been the kind of thing that has kept families from being able to experience all that God wants them to experience.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> It has, Bob, and I think what happens is the entire family begins to encircle the person who is struggling with an addiction, and it redefines the marriage, the family, and can redefine our existence.\u00a0 And the reason for that is we become enslaved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd we're going to have an honest conversation today with a good friend of our broadcast, a gentleman who has been on FamilyLife Today a number of times, Ed Welch.\u00a0 Ed, welcome back to our broadcast.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ed:<\/strong> Dennis, thank you, it's great to be with you guys.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Ed is a professor of Practical Theology at Westminster Theological Seminary.\u00a0 He is a counselor and also a director of counseling at the Christian Counseling and Educational Foundation in Philadelphia and has written a number of books, and he's done a couple of workbooks.\u00a0 And help me here, Ed, if I'm accurate on this.\u00a0 This is both for perhaps an individual to go through or a facilitator to go through with someone who is struggling with an addiction, is that right?\u00a0 These workbooks called \"Crossroads.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ed:<\/strong> Yes, one is for the person who is actually struggling.\u00a0 The other is the exact same book but there are comments in the margins that would help somebody to walk along with the person who was struggling.\u00a0 So that would be called the \"facilitator's guide.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Okay, let's talk about an addict.\u00a0 What's the definition?\u00a0 And I'm not looking for a \u2013 I guess I'm not looking for a clinical definition.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Not looking for the DSM IV here.\u00a0 Is that still the one \u2013 DSM IV \u2013 we're not to 5 yet?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ed:<\/strong> That's not quite 5.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I'm looking for more of a practical working description of what an addict is and what they look like.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ed:<\/strong> There are a couple of things \u2013 as soon as you asked the question, a couple of things that came to mind.\u00a0 First of all, there are areas of addiction.\u00a0 There are drugs and alcohol \u2013 anything that engages bodily desires.\u00a0 I think that's what we're talking about.\u00a0 So drugs and alcohol, food, sex, illegal drugs, those would be the things that come to mind first.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGoing back to your original illustration, I think that we can say that this is a relationship.\u00a0 Somebody has a relationship with these things.\u00a0 They love them, they love these objects more than anything else.\u00a0 And going back to your original illustration about the home and how this wreaks havoc in a home, it's because there is an affair that's going on.\u00a0 It's very, very personal.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThey love this object, and what this object can do for them, and even when the objects begin to curse them they still have this tradition of walking with them.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> You rattled off a list of those things we normally consider to be objects of this affection that you're speaking of \u2013 alcohol, drugs, sex, et cetera, but there are a number of other things that we can be addicted to as human beings that are a little more respectable like success, perhaps performance at work, how we live, the style of our living, maybe even materialism and spending money.\u00a0 Those can be addictions as well, right, Ed?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ed:<\/strong> The opinions of other people \u2013 on and on and on, absolutely.\u00a0 And I think, Dennis, what you're doing is something very, very important.\u00a0 You are taking it so I am not immediately just thinking about an addict friend of mine, and sometimes when I think about that addict friend I'm thinking, \"I'm not quite like that person.\"\u00a0 And as soon as I say such a thing, they fall into this category of the abnormal, and Scripture doesn't quite speak to them.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut what you're doing is you're saying, \"Here is what Scripture does \u2013 it just enlarges its scope until it captures all of us,\" and that's the starting point \u2013 for walking with the person who is struggling with an addiction to recognize we can find very, very similar things in our own hearts.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> So if you're the guy writing the study guide on addictions, you had to obviously confront some of those areas where you might be predisposed to loving your own pleasure or your own success or something more than what you ought to be loving.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> You're not going to really ask him this question, are you, Bob?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ed:<\/strong> I was wondering where he was going with that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> What are your potential addictions?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ed:<\/strong> Money, the opinions of other people, personal reputation, a resume that looks successful.\u00a0 And, again, I want it to look successful among the right people.\u00a0 Not everybody has to think it's successful \u2013 discriminating on those things \u2013 money, the opinions of other people; food, certainly is something I can find.\u00a0 Anytime I say no to something, and I go ahead and do it the next day, that's what I'm looking at.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> So these are not necessarily bad or evil things.\u00a0 I mean, we need money, and we need food.\u00a0 It's really a question of whether we are a slave to that thing or whether we master it, right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ed:<\/strong> Has that thing become the center of our lives?\u00a0 Anything that usurps the position of Christ will be an addiction in our life.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> So you are ultimately talking about what is the affection of the heart?\u00a0 What the heart really loves.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ed:<\/strong> The universe is ultimately very, very personal, absolutely.\u00a0 What do we love?\u00a0 What are we smitten by?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Bob can probably remember who made this statement, but someone made the statement about the human heart \u2013 that it was made to worship something, and when it doesn't worship God, it doesn't go on to worship nothing.\u00a0 It goes on to worship everything.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Well, wasn't it Calvin who said that the heart is an idol factory and that's what it does, it creates its own idols.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ed:<\/strong> I was talking to a colleague this weekend who was saying the very same thing.\u00a0 He put it even more succinctly.\u00a0 He said, \"Here is how you get into addictions \u2013 you worship yourself into it.\"\u00a0 It's the object of your affections, which means that you have to worship your way out of it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You know, as we're sitting here talking about it, over lunch today I asked you, because I'm headed to Philadelphia, and I said, \"Okay, where do I go to get the best cheesesteak in Philadelphia, and I have to tell you, I've been thinking about this for a while, because I've been online checking out where the best cheesesteaks in Philadelphia are.\u00a0 Now, is that a problem?\u00a0 Is this something that I need to look at and go, \"There could be a real spiritual issue here.\u00a0 I may be an addict for regional foods.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ed:<\/strong> Let's impose a story of Scripture on it.\u00a0 Let's impose the story of the children of Israel in the wilderness.\u00a0 Now, what does that have to do with addictions?\u00a0 It has a whole lot to do with addictions.\u00a0 Addictions are an idol.\u00a0 They are things that we worship other than God.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOne of the early warning signs you have that the children of Israel were in trouble was when they began to grumble and complain.\u00a0 If you find yourself grumbling and complaining because you can't get to the cheesecake place, is you find yourself \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> This is cheesesteak, although I do like cheesecake.\u00a0 I'll go either way.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ed:<\/strong> The grumbling and complaining of the human heart \u2013 that can expose what we really love \u2013 \"This thing that I love, it's being kept from me, and I must have it, I must have it.\"\u00a0 If you are able to be a man who ends your day after not having the things you were really looking forward to \u2013 if you were able to end your day with \"Lord, thank you, I have everything that I need in You,\" then you're walking a good path.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> We're kind of making fun here of cheesesteak.\u00a0 There are listeners who are in marriages who are dealing with \u2013 I mean, bizarre behavior.\u00a0 I mean, we're talking about it's nowhere near this lighthearted discussion we're having here.\u00a0 It's back to my illustration like the solar system.\u00a0 The entire family is revolving around this person who is making choices that are harmful, that are destructive, that are foolish ultimately.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHow do we coach that person who is in that marriage at this point to know how to ultimately really help the person who is the addict?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ed:<\/strong> That's a great \u2013 it's an important question.\u00a0 The first thing, I think, just following what you were saying and this theme of \u2013 this is a very, very personal phenomenon.\u00a0 This is we're loving something.\u00a0 To be able to say to that spouse, \"You feel as though you're betrayed.\u00a0 You feel as though you've been victimized by adultery, even though there may not have been sexual sin in your marriage, and what you're feeling is exactly the case.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTo let them understand that they're not as crazy as they feel because they will feel insane if the home is dominated by an addiction.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> You actually described it as like having an affair.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ed:<\/strong> Absolutely.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> The person is giving their heart \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ed:<\/strong> It's a love, yes.\u00a0 They're giving their hearts to something other than their spouse.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> So, first of all, get in touch with what you're feeling and how you felt abandoned by this person's love for this other thing.\u00a0 Then what?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ed:<\/strong> And then the question becomes how \u2013 well, this is jumping over a number of things \u2013 but where we will eventually get is how do we love this person who may be acting like an actual enemy at those times.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Let me give you a scenario.\u00a0 Let's say there is a husband who has found out \u2013 we'll say he found out two years ago that his wife had a drinking problem \u2013 not just social drinking, but this is a woman who can't get through the day.\u00a0 She drinks first thing in the morning.\u00a0 By the end of the day, she is usually in some state of \u2013 maybe not inebriation, but she's mellow, she's under the influence of the alcohol that she has been ingesting throughout the day, the kids' stuff is not getting done, stuff is being forgotten, and he has been thinking, \"I've got to do something about this.\u00a0 I've got to fix this.\"\u00a0 You would say the first thing he needs to do is address his own feelings about having been abandoned by his wife or the fact that she loves her drinking more than she loves him and the family?\u00a0 That's where he starts?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ed:<\/strong> That's certainly where he starts.\u00a0 And then, from there, to move to love that says, \"This is ultimately something much more difficult and powerful than her relationship with me.\u00a0 This is saying something about my wife and her relationship with the Lord.\u00a0 She is saying there is something in her life that is difficult, and she seeks to master that difficulty her way rather than turning to Christ.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd so \u2013 you see how immediately it begins to cut into the anger that a spouse, very understandably experience when we recognize that there is something deeper than this being done against me, and it is clearly done against the spouse. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLet me put it this way \u2013 I'm looking at my spouse, and they're in danger, and when we see somebody in danger, we don't take it as personally.\u00a0 The question becomes, as you find in the end of James, \"How can I rescue this person?\"\u00a0 And somehow the rescue is going to take place by surprising them with love, and that's going to look like that in some way.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Love, in the Scripture, is not passive, it's active, and so in the situation you are describing here, that person who is married to the addict, what do they do in terms of loving the other person enough to begin to confront them?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ed:<\/strong> And here is where the church, I think, is so, so important.\u00a0 Because you're asking a huge question, and there can be so many different answers to it, and it's so essential for that woman or that man to have friends who love and have wisdom and to think with them \u2013 here are some of the ways that love looks and, of those ways, what would be the best way in your particular situation?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> So you would say you should not, as an individual husband or a wife, try to tackle an assignment like confronting an addict on your own?\u00a0 You need community to be a part of that process with you?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ed:<\/strong> We talk a lot about community these days, but it's true.\u00a0 The way God deals with things is when we have a problem, we go to the Lord with it.\u00a0 If the problem persists, we enlarge the circle, we ask for help, and here, obviously, is a very difficult problem that has been intractable in many people's lives.\u00a0 So the very thing the person does not want to do \u2013 open the door to allow other people in \u2013 by the way, I can \u2013 I spoke to a woman over the weekend, and she had a book on addiction that she put on the bedstand for her husband, but she had masking tape over every word \"addiction,\" because she was so embarrassed, even before her children, that her children would think that her father fathers an addict. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you are embarrassed before your children, how much more difficult will it be to speak to people in the church.\u00a0 That's a huge spiritual task in and of itself.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> We're assuming here that you may go to the church first.\u00a0 I would see there being some kind of conversation that a spouse might have with an addict \u2013 let's say it's her husband.\u00a0 Wouldn't she go to him and say, \"I think we have a problem,\" and begin to at least broach an honest discussion that there really is an affection for something that is controlling the person's life?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ed:<\/strong> Absolutely.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Wouldn't that be the place to being, ultimately?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ed:<\/strong> That would be the place to begin, but if I am in that situation, I am not going to have a very good conversation, because the husband has just broken some promises, and I'm angry, and I am going to confront, and it's going to be very, very personal, and it will not go well.\u00a0 And so I guess I'm especially thinking of husbands and wives who have said things over the weeks, over the months, and it's just gotten worse \u2013 at those points we're thinking, \"How can we enlarge the circle?\" and \"Lord have mercy, give us wisdom by way of your people.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Ed, it's often been said that when there is an addict in a family situation, there is an enabler.\u00a0 There is one who has either hidden it, as you describe this one wife who was putting masking tape over the term \"addict,\" or she has protected her spouse or made excuses.\u00a0 Is that true almost always, or are there addicts who are in marriages who are not married to enablers?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ed:<\/strong> It's true that people who are married or in a close relationship with an addict.\u00a0 The culture of that addiction is a culture of darkness.\u00a0 And wherever you get that culture from \u2013 whether you want it to be in darkness because you don't want other people to know, or you're just assimilating it from the person in the addiction, that is the culture of it \u2013 addictions thrive in the darkness.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd, Dennis, what you're saying is it's another way to combat our enabling tendencies.\u00a0 Our desire is to bring things into the light; that that's what she's seeing.\u00a0 You see a God who goes into the dark nooks and crannies of the world, and He brings light so people can see.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo rather than simply saying that this addiction is their friend, is their lover, is everything they need, what the light might begin to say is, \"By the way, do you see this?\u00a0 It's a lie.\"\u00a0 That's what Isaiah says \u2013 \"This thing in your hand, it's a lie, and it's betrayed you.\u00a0 Look, here are the consequences of it in your life.\u00a0 Here are the consequences of it in my life.\u00a0 Here are the consequences of it with your children.\"\u00a0 To be able to recognize that bringing things to the light is a wonderfully redemptive thing that God calls His people to do.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> But you brings things to the light, and there are people all around who will shame you for what's just been brought out into the light, and you stop and think, \"Why don't people bring stuff into the light?\"\u00a0 Because they don't want to bear the shame that's going to come with that exposure.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ed:<\/strong> And therein, Bob, you're speaking about something in the Scripture, which is, frankly, largely untapped.\u00a0 But we have a God who speaks often \u2013 He speaks always to the problem of shame, and we will find \u2013 one of the commonalities with addictions, those who are in it and those who are not in it in the same way, we will find shame everywhere.\u00a0 So that would be, I think, a very valuable thing for us to speak about.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Ultimately, I think what we are talking about here is courage, and it's back to Joshua, chapter 1, where, really, God commanded the leaders of the nation of Israel \u2013 \"Fear not, be courageous.\"\u00a0 And I think for that person who is in a marriage or who may have a child who they fear is dealing with an addiction, is they have to conquer their fears first \u2013 fear of losing their marriage, fear of losing the child, fear of losing their self respect, maybe reputation, because of what's confronted and what does come out in the light.\u00a0 But, ultimately, they have to take steps of faith that will demand bedrock courage and a trust and a hope in God that as you step out, He is going to be there.\u00a0 He is going to be at work, and it may be messy, and it may not work out the way we all wish it could in kind of a storybook ending, but you have to confront it at some point.\u00a0 You just can't continue on with life as usual, allowing the addiction to define the other person and ultimately to destroy their life and the lives of those around them.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Well, I think what Ed has done for us is given us a tool that families can use or that churches can use to help unpack this whole subject and to help someone who is caught in the snare of an addiction to get free from that trap.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tEd wrote a book a number of years ago called \"Addictions, a Banquet in the Grave,\" and since then has come up with a step-by-step guide away from addiction called \"Crossroads,\" and there is both a study guide and also a facilitator's guide for someone who may want to lead a group study through this material.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd we've got all of the resources in our FamilyLife Resource Center.\u00a0 You can go online at FamilyLifeToday.com for more information about Ed's book and about the workbook and about the facilitator's guide.\u00a0 Again, the website is FamilyLifeToday.com or call 1-800-FLTODAY.\u00a0 That's 1-800-358-6329, 1-800-F-as-in-family, L-as-in-life, and then the word TODAY, and let us see if we can equip you with some resources that can address this issue and help you find freedom or help someone you know find freedom from the snare of an addiction.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd, you know, the issue of addiction, like all of the issues we face in life, ultimately, the solution for those issues is found as we meditate in our hearts and in our minds on God's Word.\u00a0 A few years ago, we finished up a project here at FamilyLife to create a devotional Bible for couples \u2013 taking the new King James text of the Bible and adding to it articles, devotions, tips on marriage and parenting issues.\u00a0 This is a resource to provide a husband and a wife with a Bible you can read through in your private devotions or read through together that will help you address the kinds of issues that all of us face in marriage and in parenting.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis month if you are able to make a donation of any amount to help support the ministry of FamilyLife Today, we would like to make available to you a copy of the FamilyLife Marriage Bible with articles and devotions by Dennis and Barbara Rainey.\u00a0 You can get your copy, again, when you make a donation of any amount this month to support the ministry of FamilyLife Today.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you are donating online at FamilyLifeToday.com, just type \"Bible\" into the keycode box on the donation form or call 1-800-FLTODAY, make your donation and request a copy of the FamilyLife Marriage Bible.\u00a0 This may be something you'd like to give as a gift to someone you know who is getting married this spring and, of course, it's our gift to you when you make a donation this spring.\u00a0 It's our way of saying thank you for your support of the ministry of FamilyLife Today.\u00a0 We appreciate so much your partnership with us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, tomorrow we're going to talk more about the issue of addictions and talk about whether some people are prone to addictive behavior.\u00a0 Does a person have an addictive personality?\u00a0 We'll talk about that tomorrow.\u00a0 I hope you can be back with us for that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team.\u00a0 On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 We'll see you back tomorrow for another edition of FamilyLife Today. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFamilyLife Today is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas \u2013 help for today; hope for tomorrow.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you.\u00a0 However, there is a cost to transcribe, create, and produce them for our website.\u00a0 If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/site\/c.dnJHKLNnFoG\/b.3782043\/k.384D\/Support_Us.htm\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright \u00a9 FamilyLife.\u00a0 All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 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someone you know battling an addiction?","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2009-04-13.pdf","transcript_content":"<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> This is Bob Lepine from FamilyLife Today, and before we begin today's program, Dennis, you want to speak to our listeners, right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I do.\u00a0 You know, back before Easter, I gave up chocolate for Lent, and while I was on my chocolate fast, a friend of mine who ate a Dove chocolate in front of me gave me the wrapper.\u00a0 You know, they have little sayings on the inside.\u00a0 This one says, \"Life may change us, but we start and end with family.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd I thought, you know what?\u00a0 I want to share that with our listeners because what we're all about here on FamilyLife Today has to do with your family \u2013 equipping you with timeless biblical truth, and I want you to know something right now \u2013 I am coming to you asking for your help.\u00a0 These are incredibly challenging financial days for individuals and for ministries like ours.\u00a0 And you know, as a listener, I don't do this very often, but right now I'd like to ask you to do what you can do financially.\u00a0 Go to our website, FamilyLifeToday.com, or call our 800 number and say, \"I'd like to stand with you guys in building my family and helping me in life's most important commitments.\"\u00a0 I don't know how to say it any simpler than that, Bob.\u00a0 We are living in some challenging days that are impacting ministries and individuals, and this ministry is no exception, and we are doing a great job managing our money.\u00a0 But, right now, I need your help.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And you can help us by calling 1-800-FLTODAY to make a donation to FamilyLife Today.\u00a0 Again, your donations are tax deductible.\u00a0 1-800-FLTODAY or go online at FamilyLifeToday.com, you can make a donation online, and we want to say thanks in advance for whatever you are able to do.\u00a0 We appreciate your partnership with us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I agree.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[musical transition] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You may think of an alcoholic or a drug addict as someone who is obvious to spot; someone you'd find in a bar or out on the street.\u00a0 But author and counselor Ed Welch says it could be that the addict was sitting next to you in church last Sunday or works in the same office with you, and you don't even know it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ed:<\/strong> It's true that people who are married are in a close relationship with an addict.\u00a0 The culture of that addiction is a culture of darkness, and wherever you get that culture from, whether you want it to be in darkness because you don't want other people to know, or you are just assimilating it from the person in the addiction \u2013 that is the culture of it.\u00a0 Addiction is to thrive in the darkness.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> This is FamilyLife Today for Monday, April 13th.\u00a0 Our host is the president of FamilyLife, Dennis Rainey, and I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 We're going to see if today we can shed some light on the darkness that is addiction and the role that plays in a marriage relationship.\u00a0 Stay tuned.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to FamilyLife Today, thanks for joining us.\u00a0 Dennis, I was thinking about today's program and what we're going to be talking about this week, and I was thinking about the number of e-mails and letters that we've received from listeners over the years who have described for us marriage situations where addiction has been the defining motif of their marriage relationship.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Or of a young person in that family who is also struggling with addictions of different kinds.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And the folks who have written us have gone on to explain how those addictions have either caused the relationships to disintegrate or deteriorate or erode.\u00a0 Again, it's been the kind of thing that has kept families from being able to experience all that God wants them to experience.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> It has, Bob, and I think what happens is the entire family begins to encircle the person who is struggling with an addiction, and it redefines the marriage, the family, and can redefine our existence.\u00a0 And the reason for that is we become enslaved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd we're going to have an honest conversation today with a good friend of our broadcast, a gentleman who has been on FamilyLife Today a number of times, Ed Welch.\u00a0 Ed, welcome back to our broadcast.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ed:<\/strong> Dennis, thank you, it's great to be with you guys.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Ed is a professor of Practical Theology at Westminster Theological Seminary.\u00a0 He is a counselor and also a director of counseling at the Christian Counseling and Educational Foundation in Philadelphia and has written a number of books, and he's done a couple of workbooks.\u00a0 And help me here, Ed, if I'm accurate on this.\u00a0 This is both for perhaps an individual to go through or a facilitator to go through with someone who is struggling with an addiction, is that right?\u00a0 These workbooks called \"Crossroads.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ed:<\/strong> Yes, one is for the person who is actually struggling.\u00a0 The other is the exact same book but there are comments in the margins that would help somebody to walk along with the person who was struggling.\u00a0 So that would be called the \"facilitator's guide.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Okay, let's talk about an addict.\u00a0 What's the definition?\u00a0 And I'm not looking for a \u2013 I guess I'm not looking for a clinical definition.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Not looking for the DSM IV here.\u00a0 Is that still the one \u2013 DSM IV \u2013 we're not to 5 yet?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ed:<\/strong> That's not quite 5.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I'm looking for more of a practical working description of what an addict is and what they look like.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ed:<\/strong> There are a couple of things \u2013 as soon as you asked the question, a couple of things that came to mind.\u00a0 First of all, there are areas of addiction.\u00a0 There are drugs and alcohol \u2013 anything that engages bodily desires.\u00a0 I think that's what we're talking about.\u00a0 So drugs and alcohol, food, sex, illegal drugs, those would be the things that come to mind first.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGoing back to your original illustration, I think that we can say that this is a relationship.\u00a0 Somebody has a relationship with these things.\u00a0 They love them, they love these objects more than anything else.\u00a0 And going back to your original illustration about the home and how this wreaks havoc in a home, it's because there is an affair that's going on.\u00a0 It's very, very personal.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThey love this object, and what this object can do for them, and even when the objects begin to curse them they still have this tradition of walking with them.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> You rattled off a list of those things we normally consider to be objects of this affection that you're speaking of \u2013 alcohol, drugs, sex, et cetera, but there are a number of other things that we can be addicted to as human beings that are a little more respectable like success, perhaps performance at work, how we live, the style of our living, maybe even materialism and spending money.\u00a0 Those can be addictions as well, right, Ed?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ed:<\/strong> The opinions of other people \u2013 on and on and on, absolutely.\u00a0 And I think, Dennis, what you're doing is something very, very important.\u00a0 You are taking it so I am not immediately just thinking about an addict friend of mine, and sometimes when I think about that addict friend I'm thinking, \"I'm not quite like that person.\"\u00a0 And as soon as I say such a thing, they fall into this category of the abnormal, and Scripture doesn't quite speak to them.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut what you're doing is you're saying, \"Here is what Scripture does \u2013 it just enlarges its scope until it captures all of us,\" and that's the starting point \u2013 for walking with the person who is struggling with an addiction to recognize we can find very, very similar things in our own hearts.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> So if you're the guy writing the study guide on addictions, you had to obviously confront some of those areas where you might be predisposed to loving your own pleasure or your own success or something more than what you ought to be loving.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> You're not going to really ask him this question, are you, Bob?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ed:<\/strong> I was wondering where he was going with that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> What are your potential addictions?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ed:<\/strong> Money, the opinions of other people, personal reputation, a resume that looks successful.\u00a0 And, again, I want it to look successful among the right people.\u00a0 Not everybody has to think it's successful \u2013 discriminating on those things \u2013 money, the opinions of other people; food, certainly is something I can find.\u00a0 Anytime I say no to something, and I go ahead and do it the next day, that's what I'm looking at.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> So these are not necessarily bad or evil things.\u00a0 I mean, we need money, and we need food.\u00a0 It's really a question of whether we are a slave to that thing or whether we master it, right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ed:<\/strong> Has that thing become the center of our lives?\u00a0 Anything that usurps the position of Christ will be an addiction in our life.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> So you are ultimately talking about what is the affection of the heart?\u00a0 What the heart really loves.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ed:<\/strong> The universe is ultimately very, very personal, absolutely.\u00a0 What do we love?\u00a0 What are we smitten by?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Bob can probably remember who made this statement, but someone made the statement about the human heart \u2013 that it was made to worship something, and when it doesn't worship God, it doesn't go on to worship nothing.\u00a0 It goes on to worship everything.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Well, wasn't it Calvin who said that the heart is an idol factory and that's what it does, it creates its own idols.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ed:<\/strong> I was talking to a colleague this weekend who was saying the very same thing.\u00a0 He put it even more succinctly.\u00a0 He said, \"Here is how you get into addictions \u2013 you worship yourself into it.\"\u00a0 It's the object of your affections, which means that you have to worship your way out of it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You know, as we're sitting here talking about it, over lunch today I asked you, because I'm headed to Philadelphia, and I said, \"Okay, where do I go to get the best cheesesteak in Philadelphia, and I have to tell you, I've been thinking about this for a while, because I've been online checking out where the best cheesesteaks in Philadelphia are.\u00a0 Now, is that a problem?\u00a0 Is this something that I need to look at and go, \"There could be a real spiritual issue here.\u00a0 I may be an addict for regional foods.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ed:<\/strong> Let's impose a story of Scripture on it.\u00a0 Let's impose the story of the children of Israel in the wilderness.\u00a0 Now, what does that have to do with addictions?\u00a0 It has a whole lot to do with addictions.\u00a0 Addictions are an idol.\u00a0 They are things that we worship other than God.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOne of the early warning signs you have that the children of Israel were in trouble was when they began to grumble and complain.\u00a0 If you find yourself grumbling and complaining because you can't get to the cheesecake place, is you find yourself \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> This is cheesesteak, although I do like cheesecake.\u00a0 I'll go either way.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ed:<\/strong> The grumbling and complaining of the human heart \u2013 that can expose what we really love \u2013 \"This thing that I love, it's being kept from me, and I must have it, I must have it.\"\u00a0 If you are able to be a man who ends your day after not having the things you were really looking forward to \u2013 if you were able to end your day with \"Lord, thank you, I have everything that I need in You,\" then you're walking a good path.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> We're kind of making fun here of cheesesteak.\u00a0 There are listeners who are in marriages who are dealing with \u2013 I mean, bizarre behavior.\u00a0 I mean, we're talking about it's nowhere near this lighthearted discussion we're having here.\u00a0 It's back to my illustration like the solar system.\u00a0 The entire family is revolving around this person who is making choices that are harmful, that are destructive, that are foolish ultimately.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHow do we coach that person who is in that marriage at this point to know how to ultimately really help the person who is the addict?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ed:<\/strong> That's a great \u2013 it's an important question.\u00a0 The first thing, I think, just following what you were saying and this theme of \u2013 this is a very, very personal phenomenon.\u00a0 This is we're loving something.\u00a0 To be able to say to that spouse, \"You feel as though you're betrayed.\u00a0 You feel as though you've been victimized by adultery, even though there may not have been sexual sin in your marriage, and what you're feeling is exactly the case.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTo let them understand that they're not as crazy as they feel because they will feel insane if the home is dominated by an addiction.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> You actually described it as like having an affair.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ed:<\/strong> Absolutely.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> The person is giving their heart \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ed:<\/strong> It's a love, yes.\u00a0 They're giving their hearts to something other than their spouse.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> So, first of all, get in touch with what you're feeling and how you felt abandoned by this person's love for this other thing.\u00a0 Then what?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ed:<\/strong> And then the question becomes how \u2013 well, this is jumping over a number of things \u2013 but where we will eventually get is how do we love this person who may be acting like an actual enemy at those times.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Let me give you a scenario.\u00a0 Let's say there is a husband who has found out \u2013 we'll say he found out two years ago that his wife had a drinking problem \u2013 not just social drinking, but this is a woman who can't get through the day.\u00a0 She drinks first thing in the morning.\u00a0 By the end of the day, she is usually in some state of \u2013 maybe not inebriation, but she's mellow, she's under the influence of the alcohol that she has been ingesting throughout the day, the kids' stuff is not getting done, stuff is being forgotten, and he has been thinking, \"I've got to do something about this.\u00a0 I've got to fix this.\"\u00a0 You would say the first thing he needs to do is address his own feelings about having been abandoned by his wife or the fact that she loves her drinking more than she loves him and the family?\u00a0 That's where he starts?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ed:<\/strong> That's certainly where he starts.\u00a0 And then, from there, to move to love that says, \"This is ultimately something much more difficult and powerful than her relationship with me.\u00a0 This is saying something about my wife and her relationship with the Lord.\u00a0 She is saying there is something in her life that is difficult, and she seeks to master that difficulty her way rather than turning to Christ.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd so \u2013 you see how immediately it begins to cut into the anger that a spouse, very understandably experience when we recognize that there is something deeper than this being done against me, and it is clearly done against the spouse. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLet me put it this way \u2013 I'm looking at my spouse, and they're in danger, and when we see somebody in danger, we don't take it as personally.\u00a0 The question becomes, as you find in the end of James, \"How can I rescue this person?\"\u00a0 And somehow the rescue is going to take place by surprising them with love, and that's going to look like that in some way.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Love, in the Scripture, is not passive, it's active, and so in the situation you are describing here, that person who is married to the addict, what do they do in terms of loving the other person enough to begin to confront them?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ed:<\/strong> And here is where the church, I think, is so, so important.\u00a0 Because you're asking a huge question, and there can be so many different answers to it, and it's so essential for that woman or that man to have friends who love and have wisdom and to think with them \u2013 here are some of the ways that love looks and, of those ways, what would be the best way in your particular situation?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> So you would say you should not, as an individual husband or a wife, try to tackle an assignment like confronting an addict on your own?\u00a0 You need community to be a part of that process with you?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ed:<\/strong> We talk a lot about community these days, but it's true.\u00a0 The way God deals with things is when we have a problem, we go to the Lord with it.\u00a0 If the problem persists, we enlarge the circle, we ask for help, and here, obviously, is a very difficult problem that has been intractable in many people's lives.\u00a0 So the very thing the person does not want to do \u2013 open the door to allow other people in \u2013 by the way, I can \u2013 I spoke to a woman over the weekend, and she had a book on addiction that she put on the bedstand for her husband, but she had masking tape over every word \"addiction,\" because she was so embarrassed, even before her children, that her children would think that her father fathers an addict. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you are embarrassed before your children, how much more difficult will it be to speak to people in the church.\u00a0 That's a huge spiritual task in and of itself.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> We're assuming here that you may go to the church first.\u00a0 I would see there being some kind of conversation that a spouse might have with an addict \u2013 let's say it's her husband.\u00a0 Wouldn't she go to him and say, \"I think we have a problem,\" and begin to at least broach an honest discussion that there really is an affection for something that is controlling the person's life?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ed:<\/strong> Absolutely.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Wouldn't that be the place to being, ultimately?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ed:<\/strong> That would be the place to begin, but if I am in that situation, I am not going to have a very good conversation, because the husband has just broken some promises, and I'm angry, and I am going to confront, and it's going to be very, very personal, and it will not go well.\u00a0 And so I guess I'm especially thinking of husbands and wives who have said things over the weeks, over the months, and it's just gotten worse \u2013 at those points we're thinking, \"How can we enlarge the circle?\" and \"Lord have mercy, give us wisdom by way of your people.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Ed, it's often been said that when there is an addict in a family situation, there is an enabler.\u00a0 There is one who has either hidden it, as you describe this one wife who was putting masking tape over the term \"addict,\" or she has protected her spouse or made excuses.\u00a0 Is that true almost always, or are there addicts who are in marriages who are not married to enablers?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ed:<\/strong> It's true that people who are married or in a close relationship with an addict.\u00a0 The culture of that addiction is a culture of darkness.\u00a0 And wherever you get that culture from \u2013 whether you want it to be in darkness because you don't want other people to know, or you're just assimilating it from the person in the addiction, that is the culture of it \u2013 addictions thrive in the darkness.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd, Dennis, what you're saying is it's another way to combat our enabling tendencies.\u00a0 Our desire is to bring things into the light; that that's what she's seeing.\u00a0 You see a God who goes into the dark nooks and crannies of the world, and He brings light so people can see.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo rather than simply saying that this addiction is their friend, is their lover, is everything they need, what the light might begin to say is, \"By the way, do you see this?\u00a0 It's a lie.\"\u00a0 That's what Isaiah says \u2013 \"This thing in your hand, it's a lie, and it's betrayed you.\u00a0 Look, here are the consequences of it in your life.\u00a0 Here are the consequences of it in my life.\u00a0 Here are the consequences of it with your children.\"\u00a0 To be able to recognize that bringing things to the light is a wonderfully redemptive thing that God calls His people to do.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> But you brings things to the light, and there are people all around who will shame you for what's just been brought out into the light, and you stop and think, \"Why don't people bring stuff into the light?\"\u00a0 Because they don't want to bear the shame that's going to come with that exposure.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ed:<\/strong> And therein, Bob, you're speaking about something in the Scripture, which is, frankly, largely untapped.\u00a0 But we have a God who speaks often \u2013 He speaks always to the problem of shame, and we will find \u2013 one of the commonalities with addictions, those who are in it and those who are not in it in the same way, we will find shame everywhere.\u00a0 So that would be, I think, a very valuable thing for us to speak about.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Ultimately, I think what we are talking about here is courage, and it's back to Joshua, chapter 1, where, really, God commanded the leaders of the nation of Israel \u2013 \"Fear not, be courageous.\"\u00a0 And I think for that person who is in a marriage or who may have a child who they fear is dealing with an addiction, is they have to conquer their fears first \u2013 fear of losing their marriage, fear of losing the child, fear of losing their self respect, maybe reputation, because of what's confronted and what does come out in the light.\u00a0 But, ultimately, they have to take steps of faith that will demand bedrock courage and a trust and a hope in God that as you step out, He is going to be there.\u00a0 He is going to be at work, and it may be messy, and it may not work out the way we all wish it could in kind of a storybook ending, but you have to confront it at some point.\u00a0 You just can't continue on with life as usual, allowing the addiction to define the other person and ultimately to destroy their life and the lives of those around them.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Well, I think what Ed has done for us is given us a tool that families can use or that churches can use to help unpack this whole subject and to help someone who is caught in the snare of an addiction to get free from that trap.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tEd wrote a book a number of years ago called \"Addictions, a Banquet in the Grave,\" and since then has come up with a step-by-step guide away from addiction called \"Crossroads,\" and there is both a study guide and also a facilitator's guide for someone who may want to lead a group study through this material.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd we've got all of the resources in our FamilyLife Resource Center.\u00a0 You can go online at FamilyLifeToday.com for more information about Ed's book and about the workbook and about the facilitator's guide.\u00a0 Again, the website is FamilyLifeToday.com or call 1-800-FLTODAY.\u00a0 That's 1-800-358-6329, 1-800-F-as-in-family, L-as-in-life, and then the word TODAY, and let us see if we can equip you with some resources that can address this issue and help you find freedom or help someone you know find freedom from the snare of an addiction.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd, you know, the issue of addiction, like all of the issues we face in life, ultimately, the solution for those issues is found as we meditate in our hearts and in our minds on God's Word.\u00a0 A few years ago, we finished up a project here at FamilyLife to create a devotional Bible for couples \u2013 taking the new King James text of the Bible and adding to it articles, devotions, tips on marriage and parenting issues.\u00a0 This is a resource to provide a husband and a wife with a Bible you can read through in your private devotions or read through together that will help you address the kinds of issues that all of us face in marriage and in parenting.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis month if you are able to make a donation of any amount to help support the ministry of FamilyLife Today, we would like to make available to you a copy of the FamilyLife Marriage Bible with articles and devotions by Dennis and Barbara Rainey.\u00a0 You can get your copy, again, when you make a donation of any amount this month to support the ministry of FamilyLife Today.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you are donating online at FamilyLifeToday.com, just type \"Bible\" into the keycode box on the donation form or call 1-800-FLTODAY, make your donation and request a copy of the FamilyLife Marriage Bible.\u00a0 This may be something you'd like to give as a gift to someone you know who is getting married this spring and, of course, it's our gift to you when you make a donation this spring.\u00a0 It's our way of saying thank you for your support of the ministry of FamilyLife Today.\u00a0 We appreciate so much your partnership with us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, tomorrow we're going to talk more about the issue of addictions and talk about whether some people are prone to addictive behavior.\u00a0 Does a person have an addictive personality?\u00a0 We'll talk about that tomorrow.\u00a0 I hope you can be back with us for that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team.\u00a0 On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 We'll see you back tomorrow for another edition of FamilyLife Today. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFamilyLife Today is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas \u2013 help for today; hope for tomorrow.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you.\u00a0 However, there is a cost to transcribe, create, and produce them for our website.\u00a0 If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/site\/c.dnJHKLNnFoG\/b.3782043\/k.384D\/Support_Us.htm\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright \u00a9 FamilyLife.\u00a0 All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 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