{"id":301771,"date":"2009-02-18T12:00:00","date_gmt":"2009-02-18T17:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/seasons-of-loneliness\/"},"modified":"2009-02-18T12:00:00","modified_gmt":"2009-02-18T17:00:00","slug":"seasons-of-loneliness","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/seasons-of-loneliness\/","title":{"rendered":"Seasons of Loneliness"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>Ever felt like you are carrying the heavier load in your marriage?  Susie Larson recounts the one-sided season of loneliness in her marriage when her husband\u2019s work left her feeling isolated and unloved.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Ever felt like you are carrying the heavier load in your marriage?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2009-02-18.mp3","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:","filesize":"12.79M","filesize_raw":"13408908","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2849],"tags":[4751,5036],"podcast_series":[7631],"cwp_profile":[3118],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-301771","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-drifting-apart","tag-isolation","tag-loneliness","podcast_series-alone-in-marriage","cwp_profile-susie-larson","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/301771\/seasons-of-loneliness","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/301771\/seasons-of-loneliness","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"3MlwRRxUHw\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/seasons-of-loneliness\/\">Seasons of Loneliness<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/seasons-of-loneliness\/embed\/#?secret=3MlwRRxUHw\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Seasons of Loneliness&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"3MlwRRxUHw\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2009-02-18.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2009-02-18.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susie:<\/strong> I had mentors in my life that really helped me, would point me out forward, would never let me get away with a bad attitude, and that is just so important.\u00a0 You know, they rehash all defenses, they re-injure you, and they make you made.\u00a0 There is a very big difference of sitting around with a bunch of women bashing your husband \u2013 that's sin \u2013 versus getting with someone who walks in the fear of the Lord, who you have given permission to call you up, call you on the carpet, and then you say, \"I am so bad.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> This is FamilyLife Today for Wednesday, February 18th.\u00a0 Our host is the president of FamilyLife, Dennis Rainey, and I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 When you get to a point in your marriage where you don't know what to do, do you have people you can turn to?\u00a0 We'll talk about that on today's program.\u00a0 Stay tuned.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to FamilyLife Today, thanks for joining us.\u00a0 Have you ever had a season in your 35 years of marriage to Barbara where you felt like it was a one-sided season?\u00a0 Where you felt alone?\u00a0 I mean, I know Barbara had health issues.\u00a0 Did you feel that was a one-sided season when she was dealing with her heart issues?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> You know, I never would have described it using those words as our guest on today's broadcast has done but, yes, uh-huh.\u00a0 And we've gone through crises in our marriage before, as our family has faced certain challenges where it's easy to begin to feel like this is a very one-sided marriage, and our relationship is only going one way, and I'm not getting as much out of this as I'd hoped for or bargained for or my expectations are.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Then you start to feel alone like that, and you get frustrated and angry at the other person, and it can press you into deeper and deeper isolation, can't it?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> It can.\u00a0 And, in fact, Bob, a number of years ago, Barbara and I actually wrote a book that, in its title, talks about this \u2013 \"Lonely Husbands, Lonely Wives.\"\u00a0 We've retitled that book, \"Staying Close,\" just to offer more hope to couples.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Because nobody wanted to buy a book called \"Lonely Husbands, Lonely Wives?\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Well, I wasn't going to say that, Bob, because our guest on today's program wrote a book, \"Alone in Marriage,\" and yet I think \"Alone in Marriage,\" really speaks of where a lot of couples really live.\u00a0 Susie Larson joins us again on FamilyLife Today.\u00a0 Susie, welcome back.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susie:<\/strong> Thank you so much.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You've had folks tell you they weren't sure they wanted to buy a book called \"Alone in Marriage,\" and take it home, right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susie:<\/strong> Right, there's a whole book club, actually, that puts stickers on their books so \u2013 because they just didn't want their husbands to feel bad.\u00a0 They are feeling alone for whatever reason, but they wanted to nurse their own soul without exposing that they're reading this.\u00a0 But other women who have said, \"I am so alone that he won't even notice if I'm reading a book on \"Alone in Marriage.\"\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, you know, a lot of people have said the content is much bigger than the title, but \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> You and your husband have been married since 1985.\u00a0 You have three sons, you're a freelance writer, live in Minneapolis, Minnesota, and this is really a story of your own marriage, which started out with your husband in that season of being alone in marriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes, you described two significant one-sided seasons.\u00a0 The first was when you were battling Lyme's disease and going through health crises, and your husband had to shoulder the weight of marriage and family and being alone.\u00a0 But then a couple of years later, his job was heating up, and the building program at the church came in, and now you were in isolation because he was just so consumed with everything else going on, and those seasons of aloneness \u2013 those can cause a marriage to collapse.\u00a0 There are couples who don't survive the season because they think this is what life's going to be for the rest, and I can't do this.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susie:<\/strong> I found two responses to loneliness and feeling alone in marriage \u2013 women are either getting out or their checking out.\u00a0 They are walking out at unprecedented rates, or they're saying, \"I'll stay, but I'm checking out.\u00a0 I'm doing my own thing, I'm shutting down.\"\u00a0 My purpose in writing the book was to hold the hand of the woman walking through this season and say, \"Regardless of why this is happening to you, let's talk about what it's doing in you.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd I interviewed lots of women from various reasons for these one-sided seasons, and in each chapter have a story where a military woman whose husband was deployed or depressed or building a business.\u00a0 What was interesting, my interviewing women, is the same things came up regardless of these reasons.\u00a0 And so I wanted to just speak to the issues, the anger, the loneliness, the fear, and one by one by one try to reconcile those things with the promises of God.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFor instance, you may have a legitimate right to your anger, but if you cherish your anger more than you cherish the promises of God, it will blow up in your face.\u00a0 And so we have to look at what it's doing in us if we want to learn to thrive.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And you've identified some common temptations that face men or women who find themselves feeling isolated in marriage \u2013 things like a temptation to relax spiritually or to stay shallow spiritually.\u00a0 Now, that seems almost counterintuitive that somebody who is going through a trial and feeling isolated would say \u2013 and maybe you don't say it consciously, but the temptation is just to let your spiritual life slide?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susie:<\/strong> Right, it was very interesting, and I called that temptation \"live in the shallows,\" and it's kind of like, well, if you're going to be gone doing your thing, I just kind of go to the shallows because it doesn't feel so bad here.\u00a0 You can't really hold onto bad attitudes and dabble in things that you shouldn't be when you're really walking closely with God, because the conviction of the Holy Spirit is going to get you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut when you start to kind of wander away and live in the shallow place and kind of lose your step-by-step walk with God, it's easier to dabble in some of those things.\u00a0 But if all times that you are at risk for a major fallout, you know, morally, spiritually, is a time when you are a lonely marriage.\u00a0 If any time you should have those arms and legs wrapped around the vine, it would be in that season.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> So the idea that's, again, maybe not consciously but subconsciously playing out in somebody's mind is if I can stay shallow, if I don't pursue with passion my relationship with Christ, then I can indulge my flesh a little more?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susie:<\/strong> Well, I don't think it's that intentional, but what I understand and what I see is that, you know, to me, it's an intentional thing to hang onto the vine.\u00a0 I mean, it's an intentional thing to stay in oneness with God.\u00a0 What happens is the current \u2013 they kind of loosen their grasp because of disappointment, helplessness, which you understand completely, but then the current just takes them downstream, and before they know it, they've found themselves kind of more in a shallow place, we're like, \"How did I get here where things don't bug me \u2013 you know, or convict me like they normally would.\"\u00a0 I find myself spending hours in chatrooms or reading racy novels or things I never would normally do, but I'm kind of medicating my pain, which you understand, but, again, it can be very devastating to your health.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLet me tell you a story that is just profound to me.\u00a0 I often \u2013 I wrote this in the book \u2013 that we are called to love people and hope in God, and it's very easy to subtly shift your hopes to your spouse without even realizing you've done, and you can even do that with very little consequence in times of favor where you start to just hope in your husband.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI have a friend whose spouse, early on in marriage, was hiding some severe addictions, was unfaithful, and dabbling in things that devastated her.\u00a0 And it rocked her world.\u00a0 And it took them a few years to re-establish their marriage and trust again.\u00a0 Well, more recently, years later, she finds out here he is again back in these things.\u00a0 And this is a woman of God, and she said the marriage was over, I was freefalling, I was devastated.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd she said, \"And one time during her prayer time, she said God so clearly spoke to her and said you're freefalling because, yes, you walk, but you've been holding my hand and expecting your husband to carry you, and most women do this, where it should be the other way around.\u00a0 You hold your husband's hand, and I'm carrying you because your husband is going to let go sometimes, and when he does, I've still got you.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd she said it was a major shift in perspective.\u00a0 This woman to me is heroic in the way that she navigates through one disappointment after another, and she is one of many that I have seen, and married to incredibly selfish, self-centered people.\u00a0 But taking God's Word as it stands and nourishing her own soul, finding it to be true and actually growing in a very desolate place.\u00a0 I mean, growth can happen in those places.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo I think it's a really important distinction.\u00a0 You're hoping in your husband \u2013 or you're loving him and hoping in God, and that's really important to take a look at that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I want to talk more about some of the temptations you've found as you've interacted with women, but I've got a very practical question to ask you.\u00a0 I wonder if this ever happened in your marriage.\u00a0 Did your sons ever ask a question about what's going on with you and Dad?\u00a0 Did they notice that you were missing each other?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susie:<\/strong> They barely noticed it at all.\u00a0 One thing I felt strongly convicted about was always speaking well of him to them, and so now, you know, they're 18, 20, and 22, and I've asked them, \"Did that feel like a scary time?\"\u00a0 They said, \"We didn't even really realize what was going on.\u00a0 We didn't think there was anything wrong going on.\u00a0 We knew Dad was gone,\" but I would say, you know, \"Dad's doing such an important thing,\" and I just felt like that was my role, and I really had to do it.\u00a0 People may argue both sides of that.\u00a0 That's what I did.\u00a0 I honored him to them, and we got through it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo they never really seemed like they were unsettled about it.\u00a0 They missed him, and he wasn't at some things of theirs, but they didn't even get upset or bitter about it.\u00a0 I really felt like God shielded them in our situation.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Weren't you afraid, though, in that situation of speaking well of his workaholism, that you were reinforcing that into their lives at that point?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susie:<\/strong> That never entered my mind, to tell you the truth, because I was hanging on with everything in me to take the honorable path at times, you know, and so I wanted to bless him.\u00a0 I was mad at him, but there was no way I was going to speak ill of him to the kids.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, since then, we've sat down and had some very long talks about workaholism and what that does to a marriage, because they're at that age, and they're ready to hear that.\u00a0 But we're not in a hot spot that \u2013 for me, that wasn't the time because there was some fire in my belly.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yeah, it probably wasn't the time because the words you would have chosen at that point wouldn't have necessarily been honoring or affirming words, and I think it's wise to guard our tongues in the midst of these kinds of valleys.\u00a0 Be very careful about what you say, and you were committed to that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I've heard the principle \u2013 \"It is better to be kind than right.\"\u00a0 And I think with our children, it's much better for them to hear you speaking kindly and honorably, as you said, about your spouse than to be precise and slicing and dicing the sin that they may see their father employed in.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susie:<\/strong> You know, I read in one of my devotionals \u2013 I can't remember the author, but they were from the 1800s, and they said something about, \"Don't have pride in your acute observation ability.\"\u00a0 You know, and sometimes you see people have this acute observation of everybody's frailties and their ability to articulate what's wrong with the situation and the person, and, like you said, there is nothing to be frightful in that about.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut, anyway, what I will just say about my boys is having honest, gut-level conversations as a family now and the humility of my husband to be able to say that to them that there is no life in that and that to model now what's important is really leaving them with a real security.\u00a0 And it's interesting when I ask them \u2013 \"Did you feel insecure during those time?\"\u00a0 And they just didn't even know what I was talking about.\u00a0 So, to me, that was a success.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Let me ask you about a different temptation that you've talked with other women about, and I don't know if you sensed this yourself as you were going through this season of loneliness, but there can be a temptation to want to look good for other men, right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susie:<\/strong> Right, mm-hm.\u00a0 Again, I will say, personally, I didn't struggle with that because of sexual abuse things.\u00a0 I tend to not trust men and be afraid at times, and so I'm more protective that way.\u00a0 But I've talked to a lot of women who have said when their husband stopped noticing them, if they're absent, if they come down in a nice outfit, and he misses it, that there is that temptation when other men start to notice them, to kind of feed into that.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tInterestingly, the other extreme to that is women who completely let themselves go, where they just are wearing sweats, they're eating a lot, and they just don't even comb their hair because why bother?\u00a0 And so those are two temptations, more often than not, it was women trying to get needs met from other men and dabbling in that.\u00a0 Even, you know, flirtations in the church parking lot.\u00a0 It's amazing how often that kind of thing happens.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> That is incredibly dangerous.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susie:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Did these women know that they were kindling fire when they were doing that?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susie:<\/strong> Well, again, I would link this with the temptation of living in the shallows, you know, when you kind of start to let go of really a close-knit walk with God where His convicting spirit is right there.\u00a0 You know, you can do those things and think about it later \u2013 \"Oooof, I probably shouldn't have done that,\" but, you know, it's really shocking how often \u2013 when you start to feel so lonely, and someone else is noticing something that your husband isn't, that it's maybe feeding something.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd so my \u2013 the call, the temptation, is to look good for other men or to let yourself go.\u00a0 To me the call was \"take care of yourself because you're made in the image of God\" \u2013 but for no other reason \u2013 that you're made in the image of God, and you're married to someone.\u00a0 Your heart is spoken for.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yes, and I also hear a call to the Proverb, \"Guard your heart, for from it flow the wellsprings of life.\"\u00a0 You are talking about a woman who is aware that maybe she is in an unhealthy situation, and she can tend to overcompensate by looking for approval, appreciation.\u00a0 She's vulnerable.\u00a0 She needs to realize where she is as a woman and guard her heart and protect it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susie:<\/strong> Amen.\u00a0 You know, I did a word study on that verse, and the word \"guard\" is a masculine noun, and they gave two word pictures.\u00a0 One of a prison guard guarding his prisoner, and a man guarding his land against intruders, and the stance and the posture was so strong, and I've told women that's a masculine noun, but it's a call for all of us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd so when you think of \u2013 when you're in those vulnerable places, know that the enemy of your soul is going to put potential flames, old flames, new flames, in your path that will massage your ego but completely threaten your footage.\u00a0 Don't think for a minute it's because you're so great.\u00a0 It's because the devil wants to take you out.\u00a0 And to have that stance, of a strong stance, \"I'm not letting this thing in.\u00a0 I'm guarding \u2013 the devil will not steal this from me,\" and it's a strong woman who, in the face of being neglected, will guard her heart and not let herself be seduced.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And sometimes the attack can occur within the Christian community.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susie:<\/strong> Oh, yes, which is so \u2013 your guard is down there, I would guess, you know?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> A small group at church, maybe it's a fine Christian man who is spiritually connecting with her, a pastor, she's got to be real careful.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susie:<\/strong> Very much so.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You know, as we've tried to unpack this subject of being alone in marriage this week, I know there are listeners who are thinking you've talked about these seasons of a one-sided marriage, and your season was a couple of years with your husband while he was helping to build the church building.\u00a0 And they're thinking, \"You're just in the minor leagues of alone in marriage.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susie:<\/strong> I know, absolutely.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yes, in fact, let me take you to the major leagues, okay?\u00a0 Let's say a woman is married to a man who refuses to take care of his father duties \u2013 doesn't pay the bills for the family.\u00a0 That means he's not paying the car insurance, doesn't pay for the homeowner insurance, doesn't pay the bills for the rent or for the house payment, maybe they have a large family, and they have no will.\u00a0 Okay, so here we're talking about issues.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susie:<\/strong> You are not kidding, and I'll tell you, this is why I didn't want to write this book because it felt like a subject far over my head, and I put it down and put it down, and as I started to ask questions of these women who are in the major league of suffering, they asked for it, and so I got information from them and did my best to convey truths that, to me, God's Word is still true.\u00a0 But I've talked to women whose husbands never get off the couch; whose husbands could care less if they're suffering.\u00a0 It's truly amazing the suffering, and it's over my head, but it's not over God's head, and His Word is true.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> So to the woman who is in a situation where this kind of loneliness hasn't just gone on a couple of years, but a couple of decades, and it looks like this is what marriage will be \u2013 this is my lot in life.\u00a0 I will be alone in marriage \u2013 it's as far back as I can remember, and it's as far forward as I can see, and it aches.\u00a0 And it aches every day, and you would say, \"press into Jesus and hang on.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susie:<\/strong> And find a new normal, so to speak.\u00a0 I have a friend who is in and has been for over a decade in a one-sided season or one-sided marriage.\u00a0 And she, for a while, stopped going to church because she thought, \"I'm going to wait on him.\"\u00a0 She stopped all kinds of things thinking, \"I'm going to wait on him,\" and what she realized was her strength, her perspective, everything went out the door, and it actually weakened her.\u00a0 And so she had to find a new normal in that season, because it was one season after another.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd so she re-established and said, \"Even if you don't go with me, I'm going to nourish my soul,\" and, to me, it reminds me of when you're flying, and they tell you \"Put your own mask on first \u2013 in the event of an emergency, put an oxygen mask on yourself and then assist those who are with you.\"\u00a0 There is a point where if he's dropping the ball over and over again and leaving you, there are some things about your soul and your health and your life that you have to care for, and you have to do them, and it's hard, and it's difficult, and it's a bummer that your husband isn't leading the way spiritually, but that's what you have to do.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And the temptation that that woman feels \u2013 \"If I'd only change my circumstances, get a different person in here or just leave this man, then maybe I could have a day of happiness.\"\u00a0 You're saying that's the enemy that's putting those thoughts in your head?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susie:<\/strong> Well, or your own flesh, and I can't even begin to even speak from there.\u00a0 I can't imagine what that is like but, again, talking to women, women who have been there, ask those questions, tempted in their own mind to walk away with another man, have come back and said, \"This is where God has called me.\u00a0 I have made a promise to God and to this husband of mine.\u00a0 I am going to find a way to thrive in this place even if I'm not getting from my husband what I should get, I'm going to get from God.\u00a0 He is my husband in this situation, I'm going to draw from him.\"\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd you can't even believe some of the stories that I've heard from women.\u00a0 One woman e-mailed me and just said, \"I had a bouquet of flowers on my desk that one of the salesmen brought them in and left them there.\u00a0 It was a for a conference that got canceled, and so she, all week long, had this beautiful bouquet of flowers, and she said the more that she started to look to the Lord for the things that her husband was not doing for her, she said, \"I feel like like I'm enjoying a sacred romance.\u00a0 God understands my needs, and I'm looking to Him to meet those needs.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd so she could stare at her husband all day long and say, \"Why won't you be the man I want you to be,\" but she sort of shifted her focus and said, \"This is really sad.\u00a0 I've got to find a way to care for myself, but in the midst of that, I'm looking to you,\" and it's really quite remarkable, the things that God put in her path along the way.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> As you were talking, I was thinking just about the world, the flesh, and the devil.\u00a0 The Bible speaks of all three.\u00a0 The world makes a bunch of false promises and creates a fantasy of marriage and of needs being met because of Hollywood and how we glamorize relationships that aren't going to happen this side of heaven.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe flesh really has high expectations and really wants to be satisfied, and I think it would be true for most marriages, if not all \u2013 I think all of us live in marriages where some of our expectations won't ever be met.\u00a0 I mean, it's just a part of life.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susie:<\/strong> That's right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And, third, the enemy wants to lie to you.\u00a0 He wants to whisper to your soul \u2013 \"You can get a better deal somewhere else.\"\u00a0 And in the process you can \u2013 well, go against what you promised and break a covenant, and when you do that, you're headed for some bad territory at that point.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSusie, I just appreciate you, your book, \"Alone in Marriage,\" your honesty, and your willingness to allow Bob and me to really discuss a tough issue, because I think all marriages, at times, experience this aloneness that you talk about in your book.\u00a0 Thanks for being on FamilyLife Today.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susie:<\/strong> Thank you so much.\u00a0 It's been a great privilege to be here.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And for those who are interested, we have copies of the book, \"Alone in Marriage,\" in our FamilyLife Resource Center.\u00a0 You can go to our website, FamilyLifeToday.com, and there is information available there about the book.\u00a0 You can order a copy online from us, if you'd like, and there is also information available there about the FamilyLife Weekend to Remember getaway weekend retreats that we have for couples.\u00a0 The Weekend Marriage Conference that we do in cities all across the country, and one of the things that we talk about at the conference is how in every marriage there is a natural drift toward isolation, and unless couples are growing in Christ and applying the Scriptures, that's the direction your marriage is going to head.\u00a0 But if you want to have intimacy and closeness in marriage, then you've got to be working toward it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd the Weekend to Remember getaway for couples is a great opportunity for you to have a fun, romantic, relaxing retreat and, at the same time, hear from real-life couples who have gone through a lot of what you're going through and have learned how to apply the Scriptures in their marriage and to pursue oneness with each other.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou'll find more information about the Weekend to Remember on our website, FamilyLifeToday.com, and you can register for an upcoming conference online or you can call us toll-free at 1-800-358-6329.\u00a0 That's 1-800-F-as-in-family, L-as-in-life, and then the word TODAY.\u00a0 Just give us a call and someone on our team can either answer any questions you have about Susie's book or about our weekend getaway for couples or they can make arrangements to have the resources you need sent to you or get you registered for a conference.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe want to say a quick word of thanks today to those of you who help support the ministry of FamilyLife Today.\u00a0 As I think most of our listeners know, we are a non-profit organization, and the primary funding for this ministry comes from folks like you who send in a donation from time to time to say \"We want to make sure FamilyLife Today continues on our local station, we want to make sure that the website, FamilyLifeToday.com, continues to be available, and we want to support the work that you are doing not only across the country but around the world.\"\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe appreciate those of you who do support the ministry, and this month, if you are able to help with a donation of any amount, we have a two-CD set we'd love to send you.\u00a0 A message from Dennis Rainey talking about how men can step up to authentic biblical masculinity, to real manhood, and then a message from Barbara Rainey about what a wife can do to help her husband grow and mature as a man.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis two-CD series is our way of saying thank you when you do support the ministry of FamilyLife Today.\u00a0 If you are donating online at FamilyLifeToday.com, type the word \"Manhood\" in the keycode box that you find on your donation form so we know to send you these CDs.\u00a0 Or call us, toll-free, 1-800-FLTODAY, 1-800-358-6329.\u00a0 Make your donation over the phone and just ask for the manhood CDs when you do, and we'll get those out to you.\u00a0 We do appreciate your partnership with us and your generous support of this ministry.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, tomorrow we're going to spend some time talking to Jim and Ginger Plowman about a conflict early in their marriage that left both of them wondering, \"How do we fix this and is there hope for us as a couple?\"\u00a0 We'll unpack some of that tomorrow, and I hope you can be with us for that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team.\u00a0 On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 We'll see you back next time for another edition of FamilyLife Today. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFamilyLife Today is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas \u2013 help for today; hope for tomorrow. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you.\u00a0 However, there is a cost to transcribe, create, and produce them for our website.\u00a0 If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/site\/c.dnJHKLNnFoG\/b.3782043\/k.384D\/Support_Us.htm\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright \u00a9 FamilyLife.\u00a0 All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\n\t\t\t<\/p>"],"_seopress_titles_title":[""],"_seopress_titles_desc":[""],"_seopress_robots_index":[""],"duration":["00:"],"show_notes":[""],"_thumbnail_id":["294104"],"filesize":["12.79M"],"filesize_raw":["13408908"],"_uag_css_file_name":["uag-css-301771.css"],"_uag_js_file_name":["uag-js-301771.js"],"_uag_page_assets":["a:9:{s:3:\"css\";s:82560:\".wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-top svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-top .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: rgba(51,51,51,1);}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-bottom svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-bottom .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: rgba(51,51,51,1);}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f 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felt like you are carrying the heavier load in your marriage?","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2009-02-18.pdf","transcript_content":"<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susie:<\/strong> I had mentors in my life that really helped me, would point me out forward, would never let me get away with a bad attitude, and that is just so important.\u00a0 You know, they rehash all defenses, they re-injure you, and they make you made.\u00a0 There is a very big difference of sitting around with a bunch of women bashing your husband \u2013 that's sin \u2013 versus getting with someone who walks in the fear of the Lord, who you have given permission to call you up, call you on the carpet, and then you say, \"I am so bad.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> This is FamilyLife Today for Wednesday, February 18th.\u00a0 Our host is the president of FamilyLife, Dennis Rainey, and I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 When you get to a point in your marriage where you don't know what to do, do you have people you can turn to?\u00a0 We'll talk about that on today's program.\u00a0 Stay tuned.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to FamilyLife Today, thanks for joining us.\u00a0 Have you ever had a season in your 35 years of marriage to Barbara where you felt like it was a one-sided season?\u00a0 Where you felt alone?\u00a0 I mean, I know Barbara had health issues.\u00a0 Did you feel that was a one-sided season when she was dealing with her heart issues?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> You know, I never would have described it using those words as our guest on today's broadcast has done but, yes, uh-huh.\u00a0 And we've gone through crises in our marriage before, as our family has faced certain challenges where it's easy to begin to feel like this is a very one-sided marriage, and our relationship is only going one way, and I'm not getting as much out of this as I'd hoped for or bargained for or my expectations are.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Then you start to feel alone like that, and you get frustrated and angry at the other person, and it can press you into deeper and deeper isolation, can't it?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> It can.\u00a0 And, in fact, Bob, a number of years ago, Barbara and I actually wrote a book that, in its title, talks about this \u2013 \"Lonely Husbands, Lonely Wives.\"\u00a0 We've retitled that book, \"Staying Close,\" just to offer more hope to couples.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Because nobody wanted to buy a book called \"Lonely Husbands, Lonely Wives?\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Well, I wasn't going to say that, Bob, because our guest on today's program wrote a book, \"Alone in Marriage,\" and yet I think \"Alone in Marriage,\" really speaks of where a lot of couples really live.\u00a0 Susie Larson joins us again on FamilyLife Today.\u00a0 Susie, welcome back.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susie:<\/strong> Thank you so much.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You've had folks tell you they weren't sure they wanted to buy a book called \"Alone in Marriage,\" and take it home, right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susie:<\/strong> Right, there's a whole book club, actually, that puts stickers on their books so \u2013 because they just didn't want their husbands to feel bad.\u00a0 They are feeling alone for whatever reason, but they wanted to nurse their own soul without exposing that they're reading this.\u00a0 But other women who have said, \"I am so alone that he won't even notice if I'm reading a book on \"Alone in Marriage.\"\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, you know, a lot of people have said the content is much bigger than the title, but \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> You and your husband have been married since 1985.\u00a0 You have three sons, you're a freelance writer, live in Minneapolis, Minnesota, and this is really a story of your own marriage, which started out with your husband in that season of being alone in marriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes, you described two significant one-sided seasons.\u00a0 The first was when you were battling Lyme's disease and going through health crises, and your husband had to shoulder the weight of marriage and family and being alone.\u00a0 But then a couple of years later, his job was heating up, and the building program at the church came in, and now you were in isolation because he was just so consumed with everything else going on, and those seasons of aloneness \u2013 those can cause a marriage to collapse.\u00a0 There are couples who don't survive the season because they think this is what life's going to be for the rest, and I can't do this.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susie:<\/strong> I found two responses to loneliness and feeling alone in marriage \u2013 women are either getting out or their checking out.\u00a0 They are walking out at unprecedented rates, or they're saying, \"I'll stay, but I'm checking out.\u00a0 I'm doing my own thing, I'm shutting down.\"\u00a0 My purpose in writing the book was to hold the hand of the woman walking through this season and say, \"Regardless of why this is happening to you, let's talk about what it's doing in you.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd I interviewed lots of women from various reasons for these one-sided seasons, and in each chapter have a story where a military woman whose husband was deployed or depressed or building a business.\u00a0 What was interesting, my interviewing women, is the same things came up regardless of these reasons.\u00a0 And so I wanted to just speak to the issues, the anger, the loneliness, the fear, and one by one by one try to reconcile those things with the promises of God.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFor instance, you may have a legitimate right to your anger, but if you cherish your anger more than you cherish the promises of God, it will blow up in your face.\u00a0 And so we have to look at what it's doing in us if we want to learn to thrive.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And you've identified some common temptations that face men or women who find themselves feeling isolated in marriage \u2013 things like a temptation to relax spiritually or to stay shallow spiritually.\u00a0 Now, that seems almost counterintuitive that somebody who is going through a trial and feeling isolated would say \u2013 and maybe you don't say it consciously, but the temptation is just to let your spiritual life slide?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susie:<\/strong> Right, it was very interesting, and I called that temptation \"live in the shallows,\" and it's kind of like, well, if you're going to be gone doing your thing, I just kind of go to the shallows because it doesn't feel so bad here.\u00a0 You can't really hold onto bad attitudes and dabble in things that you shouldn't be when you're really walking closely with God, because the conviction of the Holy Spirit is going to get you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut when you start to kind of wander away and live in the shallow place and kind of lose your step-by-step walk with God, it's easier to dabble in some of those things.\u00a0 But if all times that you are at risk for a major fallout, you know, morally, spiritually, is a time when you are a lonely marriage.\u00a0 If any time you should have those arms and legs wrapped around the vine, it would be in that season.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> So the idea that's, again, maybe not consciously but subconsciously playing out in somebody's mind is if I can stay shallow, if I don't pursue with passion my relationship with Christ, then I can indulge my flesh a little more?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susie:<\/strong> Well, I don't think it's that intentional, but what I understand and what I see is that, you know, to me, it's an intentional thing to hang onto the vine.\u00a0 I mean, it's an intentional thing to stay in oneness with God.\u00a0 What happens is the current \u2013 they kind of loosen their grasp because of disappointment, helplessness, which you understand completely, but then the current just takes them downstream, and before they know it, they've found themselves kind of more in a shallow place, we're like, \"How did I get here where things don't bug me \u2013 you know, or convict me like they normally would.\"\u00a0 I find myself spending hours in chatrooms or reading racy novels or things I never would normally do, but I'm kind of medicating my pain, which you understand, but, again, it can be very devastating to your health.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLet me tell you a story that is just profound to me.\u00a0 I often \u2013 I wrote this in the book \u2013 that we are called to love people and hope in God, and it's very easy to subtly shift your hopes to your spouse without even realizing you've done, and you can even do that with very little consequence in times of favor where you start to just hope in your husband.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI have a friend whose spouse, early on in marriage, was hiding some severe addictions, was unfaithful, and dabbling in things that devastated her.\u00a0 And it rocked her world.\u00a0 And it took them a few years to re-establish their marriage and trust again.\u00a0 Well, more recently, years later, she finds out here he is again back in these things.\u00a0 And this is a woman of God, and she said the marriage was over, I was freefalling, I was devastated.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd she said, \"And one time during her prayer time, she said God so clearly spoke to her and said you're freefalling because, yes, you walk, but you've been holding my hand and expecting your husband to carry you, and most women do this, where it should be the other way around.\u00a0 You hold your husband's hand, and I'm carrying you because your husband is going to let go sometimes, and when he does, I've still got you.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd she said it was a major shift in perspective.\u00a0 This woman to me is heroic in the way that she navigates through one disappointment after another, and she is one of many that I have seen, and married to incredibly selfish, self-centered people.\u00a0 But taking God's Word as it stands and nourishing her own soul, finding it to be true and actually growing in a very desolate place.\u00a0 I mean, growth can happen in those places.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo I think it's a really important distinction.\u00a0 You're hoping in your husband \u2013 or you're loving him and hoping in God, and that's really important to take a look at that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I want to talk more about some of the temptations you've found as you've interacted with women, but I've got a very practical question to ask you.\u00a0 I wonder if this ever happened in your marriage.\u00a0 Did your sons ever ask a question about what's going on with you and Dad?\u00a0 Did they notice that you were missing each other?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susie:<\/strong> They barely noticed it at all.\u00a0 One thing I felt strongly convicted about was always speaking well of him to them, and so now, you know, they're 18, 20, and 22, and I've asked them, \"Did that feel like a scary time?\"\u00a0 They said, \"We didn't even really realize what was going on.\u00a0 We didn't think there was anything wrong going on.\u00a0 We knew Dad was gone,\" but I would say, you know, \"Dad's doing such an important thing,\" and I just felt like that was my role, and I really had to do it.\u00a0 People may argue both sides of that.\u00a0 That's what I did.\u00a0 I honored him to them, and we got through it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo they never really seemed like they were unsettled about it.\u00a0 They missed him, and he wasn't at some things of theirs, but they didn't even get upset or bitter about it.\u00a0 I really felt like God shielded them in our situation.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Weren't you afraid, though, in that situation of speaking well of his workaholism, that you were reinforcing that into their lives at that point?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susie:<\/strong> That never entered my mind, to tell you the truth, because I was hanging on with everything in me to take the honorable path at times, you know, and so I wanted to bless him.\u00a0 I was mad at him, but there was no way I was going to speak ill of him to the kids.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, since then, we've sat down and had some very long talks about workaholism and what that does to a marriage, because they're at that age, and they're ready to hear that.\u00a0 But we're not in a hot spot that \u2013 for me, that wasn't the time because there was some fire in my belly.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yeah, it probably wasn't the time because the words you would have chosen at that point wouldn't have necessarily been honoring or affirming words, and I think it's wise to guard our tongues in the midst of these kinds of valleys.\u00a0 Be very careful about what you say, and you were committed to that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I've heard the principle \u2013 \"It is better to be kind than right.\"\u00a0 And I think with our children, it's much better for them to hear you speaking kindly and honorably, as you said, about your spouse than to be precise and slicing and dicing the sin that they may see their father employed in.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susie:<\/strong> You know, I read in one of my devotionals \u2013 I can't remember the author, but they were from the 1800s, and they said something about, \"Don't have pride in your acute observation ability.\"\u00a0 You know, and sometimes you see people have this acute observation of everybody's frailties and their ability to articulate what's wrong with the situation and the person, and, like you said, there is nothing to be frightful in that about.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut, anyway, what I will just say about my boys is having honest, gut-level conversations as a family now and the humility of my husband to be able to say that to them that there is no life in that and that to model now what's important is really leaving them with a real security.\u00a0 And it's interesting when I ask them \u2013 \"Did you feel insecure during those time?\"\u00a0 And they just didn't even know what I was talking about.\u00a0 So, to me, that was a success.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Let me ask you about a different temptation that you've talked with other women about, and I don't know if you sensed this yourself as you were going through this season of loneliness, but there can be a temptation to want to look good for other men, right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susie:<\/strong> Right, mm-hm.\u00a0 Again, I will say, personally, I didn't struggle with that because of sexual abuse things.\u00a0 I tend to not trust men and be afraid at times, and so I'm more protective that way.\u00a0 But I've talked to a lot of women who have said when their husband stopped noticing them, if they're absent, if they come down in a nice outfit, and he misses it, that there is that temptation when other men start to notice them, to kind of feed into that.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tInterestingly, the other extreme to that is women who completely let themselves go, where they just are wearing sweats, they're eating a lot, and they just don't even comb their hair because why bother?\u00a0 And so those are two temptations, more often than not, it was women trying to get needs met from other men and dabbling in that.\u00a0 Even, you know, flirtations in the church parking lot.\u00a0 It's amazing how often that kind of thing happens.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> That is incredibly dangerous.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susie:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Did these women know that they were kindling fire when they were doing that?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susie:<\/strong> Well, again, I would link this with the temptation of living in the shallows, you know, when you kind of start to let go of really a close-knit walk with God where His convicting spirit is right there.\u00a0 You know, you can do those things and think about it later \u2013 \"Oooof, I probably shouldn't have done that,\" but, you know, it's really shocking how often \u2013 when you start to feel so lonely, and someone else is noticing something that your husband isn't, that it's maybe feeding something.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd so my \u2013 the call, the temptation, is to look good for other men or to let yourself go.\u00a0 To me the call was \"take care of yourself because you're made in the image of God\" \u2013 but for no other reason \u2013 that you're made in the image of God, and you're married to someone.\u00a0 Your heart is spoken for.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yes, and I also hear a call to the Proverb, \"Guard your heart, for from it flow the wellsprings of life.\"\u00a0 You are talking about a woman who is aware that maybe she is in an unhealthy situation, and she can tend to overcompensate by looking for approval, appreciation.\u00a0 She's vulnerable.\u00a0 She needs to realize where she is as a woman and guard her heart and protect it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susie:<\/strong> Amen.\u00a0 You know, I did a word study on that verse, and the word \"guard\" is a masculine noun, and they gave two word pictures.\u00a0 One of a prison guard guarding his prisoner, and a man guarding his land against intruders, and the stance and the posture was so strong, and I've told women that's a masculine noun, but it's a call for all of us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd so when you think of \u2013 when you're in those vulnerable places, know that the enemy of your soul is going to put potential flames, old flames, new flames, in your path that will massage your ego but completely threaten your footage.\u00a0 Don't think for a minute it's because you're so great.\u00a0 It's because the devil wants to take you out.\u00a0 And to have that stance, of a strong stance, \"I'm not letting this thing in.\u00a0 I'm guarding \u2013 the devil will not steal this from me,\" and it's a strong woman who, in the face of being neglected, will guard her heart and not let herself be seduced.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And sometimes the attack can occur within the Christian community.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susie:<\/strong> Oh, yes, which is so \u2013 your guard is down there, I would guess, you know?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> A small group at church, maybe it's a fine Christian man who is spiritually connecting with her, a pastor, she's got to be real careful.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susie:<\/strong> Very much so.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You know, as we've tried to unpack this subject of being alone in marriage this week, I know there are listeners who are thinking you've talked about these seasons of a one-sided marriage, and your season was a couple of years with your husband while he was helping to build the church building.\u00a0 And they're thinking, \"You're just in the minor leagues of alone in marriage.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susie:<\/strong> I know, absolutely.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yes, in fact, let me take you to the major leagues, okay?\u00a0 Let's say a woman is married to a man who refuses to take care of his father duties \u2013 doesn't pay the bills for the family.\u00a0 That means he's not paying the car insurance, doesn't pay for the homeowner insurance, doesn't pay the bills for the rent or for the house payment, maybe they have a large family, and they have no will.\u00a0 Okay, so here we're talking about issues.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susie:<\/strong> You are not kidding, and I'll tell you, this is why I didn't want to write this book because it felt like a subject far over my head, and I put it down and put it down, and as I started to ask questions of these women who are in the major league of suffering, they asked for it, and so I got information from them and did my best to convey truths that, to me, God's Word is still true.\u00a0 But I've talked to women whose husbands never get off the couch; whose husbands could care less if they're suffering.\u00a0 It's truly amazing the suffering, and it's over my head, but it's not over God's head, and His Word is true.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> So to the woman who is in a situation where this kind of loneliness hasn't just gone on a couple of years, but a couple of decades, and it looks like this is what marriage will be \u2013 this is my lot in life.\u00a0 I will be alone in marriage \u2013 it's as far back as I can remember, and it's as far forward as I can see, and it aches.\u00a0 And it aches every day, and you would say, \"press into Jesus and hang on.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susie:<\/strong> And find a new normal, so to speak.\u00a0 I have a friend who is in and has been for over a decade in a one-sided season or one-sided marriage.\u00a0 And she, for a while, stopped going to church because she thought, \"I'm going to wait on him.\"\u00a0 She stopped all kinds of things thinking, \"I'm going to wait on him,\" and what she realized was her strength, her perspective, everything went out the door, and it actually weakened her.\u00a0 And so she had to find a new normal in that season, because it was one season after another.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd so she re-established and said, \"Even if you don't go with me, I'm going to nourish my soul,\" and, to me, it reminds me of when you're flying, and they tell you \"Put your own mask on first \u2013 in the event of an emergency, put an oxygen mask on yourself and then assist those who are with you.\"\u00a0 There is a point where if he's dropping the ball over and over again and leaving you, there are some things about your soul and your health and your life that you have to care for, and you have to do them, and it's hard, and it's difficult, and it's a bummer that your husband isn't leading the way spiritually, but that's what you have to do.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And the temptation that that woman feels \u2013 \"If I'd only change my circumstances, get a different person in here or just leave this man, then maybe I could have a day of happiness.\"\u00a0 You're saying that's the enemy that's putting those thoughts in your head?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susie:<\/strong> Well, or your own flesh, and I can't even begin to even speak from there.\u00a0 I can't imagine what that is like but, again, talking to women, women who have been there, ask those questions, tempted in their own mind to walk away with another man, have come back and said, \"This is where God has called me.\u00a0 I have made a promise to God and to this husband of mine.\u00a0 I am going to find a way to thrive in this place even if I'm not getting from my husband what I should get, I'm going to get from God.\u00a0 He is my husband in this situation, I'm going to draw from him.\"\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd you can't even believe some of the stories that I've heard from women.\u00a0 One woman e-mailed me and just said, \"I had a bouquet of flowers on my desk that one of the salesmen brought them in and left them there.\u00a0 It was a for a conference that got canceled, and so she, all week long, had this beautiful bouquet of flowers, and she said the more that she started to look to the Lord for the things that her husband was not doing for her, she said, \"I feel like like I'm enjoying a sacred romance.\u00a0 God understands my needs, and I'm looking to Him to meet those needs.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd so she could stare at her husband all day long and say, \"Why won't you be the man I want you to be,\" but she sort of shifted her focus and said, \"This is really sad.\u00a0 I've got to find a way to care for myself, but in the midst of that, I'm looking to you,\" and it's really quite remarkable, the things that God put in her path along the way.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> As you were talking, I was thinking just about the world, the flesh, and the devil.\u00a0 The Bible speaks of all three.\u00a0 The world makes a bunch of false promises and creates a fantasy of marriage and of needs being met because of Hollywood and how we glamorize relationships that aren't going to happen this side of heaven.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe flesh really has high expectations and really wants to be satisfied, and I think it would be true for most marriages, if not all \u2013 I think all of us live in marriages where some of our expectations won't ever be met.\u00a0 I mean, it's just a part of life.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susie:<\/strong> That's right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And, third, the enemy wants to lie to you.\u00a0 He wants to whisper to your soul \u2013 \"You can get a better deal somewhere else.\"\u00a0 And in the process you can \u2013 well, go against what you promised and break a covenant, and when you do that, you're headed for some bad territory at that point.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSusie, I just appreciate you, your book, \"Alone in Marriage,\" your honesty, and your willingness to allow Bob and me to really discuss a tough issue, because I think all marriages, at times, experience this aloneness that you talk about in your book.\u00a0 Thanks for being on FamilyLife Today.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susie:<\/strong> Thank you so much.\u00a0 It's been a great privilege to be here.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And for those who are interested, we have copies of the book, \"Alone in Marriage,\" in our FamilyLife Resource Center.\u00a0 You can go to our website, FamilyLifeToday.com, and there is information available there about the book.\u00a0 You can order a copy online from us, if you'd like, and there is also information available there about the FamilyLife Weekend to Remember getaway weekend retreats that we have for couples.\u00a0 The Weekend Marriage Conference that we do in cities all across the country, and one of the things that we talk about at the conference is how in every marriage there is a natural drift toward isolation, and unless couples are growing in Christ and applying the Scriptures, that's the direction your marriage is going to head.\u00a0 But if you want to have intimacy and closeness in marriage, then you've got to be working toward it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd the Weekend to Remember getaway for couples is a great opportunity for you to have a fun, romantic, relaxing retreat and, at the same time, hear from real-life couples who have gone through a lot of what you're going through and have learned how to apply the Scriptures in their marriage and to pursue oneness with each other.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou'll find more information about the Weekend to Remember on our website, FamilyLifeToday.com, and you can register for an upcoming conference online or you can call us toll-free at 1-800-358-6329.\u00a0 That's 1-800-F-as-in-family, L-as-in-life, and then the word TODAY.\u00a0 Just give us a call and someone on our team can either answer any questions you have about Susie's book or about our weekend getaway for couples or they can make arrangements to have the resources you need sent to you or get you registered for a conference.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe want to say a quick word of thanks today to those of you who help support the ministry of FamilyLife Today.\u00a0 As I think most of our listeners know, we are a non-profit organization, and the primary funding for this ministry comes from folks like you who send in a donation from time to time to say \"We want to make sure FamilyLife Today continues on our local station, we want to make sure that the website, FamilyLifeToday.com, continues to be available, and we want to support the work that you are doing not only across the country but around the world.\"\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe appreciate those of you who do support the ministry, and this month, if you are able to help with a donation of any amount, we have a two-CD set we'd love to send you.\u00a0 A message from Dennis Rainey talking about how men can step up to authentic biblical masculinity, to real manhood, and then a message from Barbara Rainey about what a wife can do to help her husband grow and mature as a man.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis two-CD series is our way of saying thank you when you do support the ministry of FamilyLife Today.\u00a0 If you are donating online at FamilyLifeToday.com, type the word \"Manhood\" in the keycode box that you find on your donation form so we know to send you these CDs.\u00a0 Or call us, toll-free, 1-800-FLTODAY, 1-800-358-6329.\u00a0 Make your donation over the phone and just ask for the manhood CDs when you do, and we'll get those out to you.\u00a0 We do appreciate your partnership with us and your generous support of this ministry.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, tomorrow we're going to spend some time talking to Jim and Ginger Plowman about a conflict early in their marriage that left both of them wondering, \"How do we fix this and is there hope for us as a couple?\"\u00a0 We'll unpack some of that tomorrow, and I hope you can be with us for that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team.\u00a0 On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 We'll see you back next time for another edition of FamilyLife Today. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFamilyLife Today is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas \u2013 help for today; hope for tomorrow. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you.\u00a0 However, there is a cost to transcribe, create, and produce them for our website.\u00a0 If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/site\/c.dnJHKLNnFoG\/b.3782043\/k.384D\/Support_Us.htm\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright \u00a9 FamilyLife.\u00a0 All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a 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