{"id":301636,"date":"2008-07-29T11:00:00","date_gmt":"2008-07-29T15:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/respect-a-mans-greatest-need-part-1\/"},"modified":"2008-07-29T11:00:00","modified_gmt":"2008-07-29T15:00:00","slug":"respect-a-mans-greatest-need-part-1","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/respect-a-mans-greatest-need-part-1\/","title":{"rendered":"Respect&#8211;A Man&#8217;s Greatest Need, Part 1"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Does your husband feel respected?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2008-07-29.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:","filesize":"10.65M","filesize_raw":"11163486","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2902],"tags":[4914,2918,4974],"podcast_series":[7372],"cwp_profile":[3367],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-301636","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-resolving-conflict","tag-arguing","tag-conflict","tag-fighting","podcast_series-love-and-respect","cwp_profile-emerson-eggerichs","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/301636\/respect-a-mans-greatest-need-part-1","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/301636\/respect-a-mans-greatest-need-part-1","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"SKH69QPoWV\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/respect-a-mans-greatest-need-part-1\/\">Respect&#8211;A Man&#8217;s Greatest Need, Part 1<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/respect-a-mans-greatest-need-part-1\/embed\/#?secret=SKH69QPoWV\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Respect&#8211;A Man&#8217;s Greatest Need, Part 1&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"SKH69QPoWV\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var 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wife married to a man who is not being the husband or the man that God wants him to be.\u00a0 How can you motivate him to change?\u00a0 Dr. Emerson Eggerichs says there is one sure-fire way that won't work.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Emerson:<\/strong> Showing disrespect for the purpose of changing him into a loving individual.\u00a0\u00a0 You cannot show disrespect to someone and motivate them to be loving any more than a man can say, \"I'm not going to love that woman until she starts showing me more respect.\"\u00a0 Duh.\u00a0 That is ineffective.\u00a0 You cannot use unrighteous, unholy means to achieve worthy, holy ends.\u00a0 It doesn't work.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> This is FamilyLife Today for Tuesday, July 29th.\u00a0 Our host is the president of FamilyLife, Dennis Rainey, and I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 If you've been showing your husband disrespect and hoping that somehow he'll change, in the words of Dr. Phil, [Dr. Phil's voice] \"Are you nuts?\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to FamilyLife Today, thanks for joining us on the Tuesday edition.\u00a0 We're going to spend some time today addressing what does work and what doesn't work in a relationship between a husband and a wife, which is what we spend time addressing throughout our Weekend to Remember Marriage Conferences that we host in cities all around the country, and our regular listeners know that this week they have an opportunity to make reservations for an upcoming conference in the fall, and if they'll register this week, they can save up to $100 per couple off the complete weekend experience.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAll the information is on our website at FamilyLife.com.\u00a0 When you get to the home page, look on the right side of the screen where it says \"Today's Broadcast,\" and if you click there, you'll see a link that will take you to a page that gives you all the details about the Weekend to Remember conference and how you can register and, again, save up to $100 per couple off the complete experience.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOf, if it's easier, you can call 1-800-FLTODAY.\u00a0 We've got folks who can answer any questions you have about the conference, let you know about dates and locations, and you can register by telephone.\u00a0 All you have to do is identify yourself as a radio listener or mention my name, just mention Bob, and you'll qualify for the special offer for FamilyLife Today listeners.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, this offer is only good through Friday at midnight Pacific time.\u00a0 So if you want to take advantage of this opportunity to get registered for an upcoming conference and to save up to $100 per couple off the complete package, go to our website or call 1-800-FLTODAY and make plans to attend an upcoming Weekend to Remember Marriage Conference.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd, of course, this week we're talking about marriages and about what's at the core of what a husband longs for in his relationship with his wife, and you may think you know what that is, but you don't, necessarily, right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> That's right, and we are different, and we've got someone with us all this week who is helping equip husbands and wives know how to meet one another's needs.\u00a0 And today we're going to focus on helping wives meet their husbands' needs.\u00a0 Dr. Emerson Eggerichs joins us on FamilyLife Today.\u00a0 Emerson, welcome back.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Emerson:<\/strong> Thank you, Dennis, Bob.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Emerson heads up the Love and Respect Ministries, lives in Grand Rapids, is that right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Emerson:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Got a couple of kids at Wheaties College?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Emerson:<\/strong> Well, our oldest had gone there, but all of them now are graduates.\u00a0 He went on to \u2013 he played soccer at Wheaton and then transferred, played basketball at Hillsdale, graduated there.\u00a0 David and Joy, our next, both graduated from Westmont College in beautiful Santa Barbara.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> You and your wife Sarah have been married since 1973, and you've written a book called \"Love and Respect.\"\u00a0 Let's talk about this subject of helping wives know how to respect their husbands.\u00a0 Before we start on how she can do that, pull back and explain to a wife why a husband needs to feel respected.\u00a0 Are we just a group of insecure whiners?\u00a0 I hear the feminists today kind of pounding the table \u2013 \"Men are insecure, let women be who they are and just ignore them.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Emerson:<\/strong> Yes.\u00a0 Well, and it's an excellent question because it's such a foreign idea.\u00a0 Even a woman listening right now who heard you say a man needs respect, she says, \"Oh, I can't believe you said that.\u00a0 I don't feel any respect for him.\u00a0 He doesn't deserve respect, he hasn't earned it.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, the dictionary definition of showing respect, as you show respect to a superior \u2013 \"He's not superior to me.\u00a0 I'm not inferior to him.\u00a0 And if I did show him respect, he might treat me in a subservient way.\u00a0 He might treat me as a doormat.\u00a0 He could even emotionally abuse me.\u00a0 But, other than that, Dr. Emerson, I'm open to hearing what you have to say about this.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> No defenses at all going up at all, huh?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Emerson:<\/strong> No.\u00a0 But this is where the culture is at, and she's not an evil-willed women.\u00a0 These women are not mean.\u00a0 I've gotten unbelievable letters, but one of the common questions is \u2013 \"What are you talking about?\u00a0 I want to show him respect but I don't feel it when he doesn't love me in meaningful ways.\"\u00a0 So that's what we're up against, and the number-one thing women say when we address this subject \u2013 \"This is so foreign.\"\u00a0 This is so foreign.\u00a0 So it is a huge cultural issue because deep feminism motivated by good-willed women, intellectuals, but they're not Christ-followers.\u00a0 They're evolutionists in their worldview, basically said \"We've been given license to show disrespect toward men because they are men, and they need to change.\u00a0 They need to progress down the evolutionary line quicker.\u00a0 They're still Neanderthal.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I want to stop you for a moment there, because I don't think most women or, for that matter, men, understand how poisonous this has been in the past two or three decades.\u00a0 Feminism really has poisoned women's attitudes toward men.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Emerson:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And that's hurt men more than they realize, hasn't it?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Emerson:<\/strong> It's hurt both of them, and what's even more difficult in the crazy cycle that we talk about based on Ephesians 5:33, that a husband must love his wife because she needs to feel love for who she is apart from her performance.\u00a0 She has that air hose connected to the love tank, and when he stands on that air hose, she's an unhappy camper.\u00a0 He has a need to feel respected for who he is apart from his performance.\u00a0 He has that respect tank connected by an air hose, and he needs to breathe in that respect for who he is, apart from his performance.\u00a0 Remember, Jesus said the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak.\u00a0 Jesus never showed contempt toward the spirit of the individual.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat I've discovered is that no husband feels fond feelings of love and affection in his heart toward a wife he thinks despises who he is as a human being.\u00a0 What happens on the crazy cycle when she feels unloved, she reacts in ways that feel disrespectful to him, and here is what feminism has basically done \u2013 show him disrespect for the purpose of changing him into a loving individual.\u00a0 And the point we make is you cannot show disrespect to someone and motivate them to be loving any more than a man can say, \"I'm not going to love that woman until she starts showing me more respect.\"\u00a0 You know \u2013 duh.\u00a0 That is ineffective.\u00a0 You cannot use unrighteous, unholy means to achieve worthy holy ends.\u00a0 It doesn't work.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo even there, coming back to the feminist movement, I know they're motivated rightly.\u00a0 They want men to awaken to their need to be more sensitive to the women, but in the process, when you are belligerent and contemptuous, and Dr. Gottman at the University of Washington studied many thousands of couples over many years, they now know the two key ingredients for successful marriages \u2013 love and respect.\u00a0 That's what they said.\u00a0 Love and respect, and I thought, \"That's what Paul said in Ephesians 5:33 2,000 years ago, which had been hidden in plain sight.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut the point here is that women don't understand that this is a need that the man has.\u00a0 It's not about him deserving it, it's not about him earning it, it's not about him being superior, it's not about her feeling it.\u00a0 It is a need that he has apart from his performance, just as she needs to feel love for who she is apart from her performance.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I know you've heard this, though \u2013 \"You don't know my husband.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yes, and we get letters from wives who are describing the giant amoeba that is sitting in the easy chair.\u00a0 You know, he is down to a few beers, maybe, maybe he goes off to the Internet to watch some pornography like his wife is clueless about that, and she is saying, \"Emerson, get real.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Emerson:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \"You want me to respect this guy?\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Emerson:<\/strong> Well, first of all, I didn't come up with the idea.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Okay, it's not your idea, but you are, as we are, too \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You are an advocate of the idea.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Emerson:<\/strong> We're a little suspicious, aren't we?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> As males, we are advocates of this, but the ultimate reason we're an advocate for this is the Bible.\u00a0 I mean, it is what the Bible teaches, so we're wanting to equip women to do this in a real world.\u00a0 How does she do that in that real-world setting?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Emerson:<\/strong> Yes, well, and when Peter wrote and Paul wrote, it was a real-world setting.\u00a0 So I have this favor, as you do, that this makes sense, and I believe that God reveals things for a purpose and, again, I was not a church person, I wasn't a believer.\u00a0 So I had to come to this point.\u00a0 When Jesus said, \"Man shall not live by bread alone but by every word that proceeds out of the mouth of God,\" did I submit to that worldview?\u00a0 Is that something I'm really going to believe \u2013 that Abba is there, Abba Father, who loves me and is purposing.\u00a0 And the commandments \u2013 John the Apostle of Love said, \"The commandments are not burdensome.\"\u00a0 So when God commands us to do something, like the good old Southern preacher \u2013 when God commands us to do something, he is saying, in effect, \"Don't hurt yourself.\"\u00a0 So trust the Father, first and foremost, that this is God's command to us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut there is the giant amoeba sitting there, okay?\u00a0 What does she do?\u00a0 Well, first of all, maybe he is an evil-willed man, but I encourage her to consider 1 Corinthians 7 \u2013 in 1 Corinthians 7, Paul, who pens that, says that the husband \u2013 verse 33 and 34, the husband is concerned about how to please his wife, and the wife is concerned about how to please her husband.\u00a0 So the question before her is this \u2013 does that man get up in the morning with a desire to displease her?\u00a0 My conjecture is probably not.\u00a0 He is a good-willed man.\u00a0 He is not intending evil.\u00a0 So he's got good intentions.\u00a0 He may be offending her and may be coming across in ways that are very upsetting to her, but in the deepest core of his being, if anybody should know, she married him, is he a basic good-willed man?\u00a0 Would you entrust the children to him on a Saturday?\u00a0 If the answer to that is \"Yes, he's a basic good-willed man,\" then she's got tremendous hope.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, if she thinks he is Hitler's distant cousin, then that paradigm, that image, is going to be difficult, because she's already concluded he's an evil man.\u00a0 And why is he evil?\u00a0 \"Well, because he doesn't talk to me.\"\u00a0 Well, that doesn\u2019t constitute evil.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> See, I think you're hitting on something here.\u00a0 A lot of wives feel like they can't respect their husbands because their husbands just neglect them.\u00a0 They fail to pay attention to them.\u00a0 And that's not evil, it's just the absence of good.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Emerson:<\/strong> Well, and what she would consider the absence of good, even, and indifference could be the epitome of evil, but I think \u2013 the way I word this, again, on the crazy cycle that without love she reacts without respect and without respect, he reacts without love.\u00a0 The message he's trying to get through to her is \"I don't feel respected by you.\"\u00a0 So what does he do?\u00a0 Most men stonewall.\u00a0\u00a0 Gottman's research \u2013 85 percent of those who stonewall are men.\u00a0 So he shuts down.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen you show contempt and belligerence and disrespect toward a man, he will not break down and cry.\u00a0 He doesn't go, \"I can't believe how you're treating me.\"\u00a0 He won't do that.\u00a0 He just clams up.\u00a0 He stonewalls.\u00a0 He's dying inside, but he just says, \"I don't deserve this.\u00a0 Forget it,\" and he just turns on the TV set and sits there.\u00a0 He shuts her out as a self-protective mechanism.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI encourage women to realize that this is probably what's going on.\u00a0 And if they will then practice what God is saying in His Word, they'll find that that giant amoeba \u2013 and I love that word picture \u2013 is not who she thinks.\u00a0 She has been misinterpreting.\u00a0 We can all take snapshots, and in her world, you take a snapshot of somebody who is sitting there and won't talk \u2013 in her world that makes no sense.\u00a0 But you and I know that if he was our best buddy, and he was sitting there ignoring us, it's because we stepped on his air hose earlier.\u00a0 We said something to him that shut him down, and we know that.\u00a0 She doesn't know that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Take us to the ABCs, then, of how a woman can respect her husband.\u00a0 Give us some how-tos, some practical handles.\u00a0 You've helped her step off of the air hose now.\u00a0 Let's put some air in the tank.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Does she need to verbalize it?\u00a0 You've been talking about that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Emerson:<\/strong> A couple of things \u2013 first of all, it's respectful behavior that Peter says \u2013 you went into respectful behavior without a word.\u00a0 And, see, if you ask a million women what the key to marriage is, they'll all tell you communication.\u00a0 That's not what the apostles taught as an absolute.\u00a0 Communication is fundamental, we've got to communicate at some level, but the way in which you win a man, for a woman, is through quietness, and that's not a sexist, chauvinistic statement.\u00a0 I have discovered now, by coaching women through this, it is incredibly powerful; it is incredibly powerful.\u00a0 But it's respectful behavior and not necessarily verbalization, although it's a great way to break the ice if she were to seek forgiveness for having been disrespectful.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut, first and foremost, I say to a woman, \"I know you're not going to believe me about what I'm going to say to you, but it's not what you're saying to him that's probably shutting him down.\u00a0 It's how you're saying it.\"\u00a0 It's the delivery system.\u00a0 Men can handle content.\u00a0 We debate with one another all day long.\u00a0 We will argue with women all day long in our male arena, we banter, but we do so with a twinkle.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGottman's research, again, and many of the quantitative researchers out there have discovered that when a woman is upset, a sour look comes over her face, dark eyes, the scolding finger.\u00a0 It's been said that women will scold six times more than men in a conflict, and that finger, that motherly finger comes up.\u00a0 She's trying to get a message through to him, \"I'm hurting, and you need to stop this, and you need to change.\"\u00a0 Her whole motivation is because she feels unloved, and she's trying to do the loving thing to increase love between them.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut when she comes at him with that dark look, that facial expression, I say to a gal, \"After you've had a fight with your husband like that, go into the bathroom, shut the door, turn on the light and reenact that as best you can in front of the mirror and look at yourself while you're coming across.\u00a0 Is there any man in his world who talks to him that way?\u00a0 Is there anybody in his world that talks to him that way?\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, imagine your daughter-in-law doing this toward your son?\u00a0 What is your son going to do when he sees somebody talking to him in a way that you never talked to him, your husband never \u2013 nobody ever talked \u2013 the only thing he can conclude is \"This woman despises who I am, and I know I would die for her, I would die for her, and yet\" \u2013\u00a0 and your son is going to be confused.\u00a0 Your husband is confused as well.\u00a0 So we come back to the first and foremost thing \u2013 ask yourself this simple question \u2013 is that which I am about to say going to feel to him like disrespect or is it going to come across respectfully?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAll you have to do is soften the tone, that tone, that facial expression, the gesture \u2013 soften it.\u00a0 Deliver the message that he is unloving.\u00a0 You can say things to him all day long if you deliver it respectfully.\u00a0 Say, \"I don't know how to do this respectfully, I may say this disrespectfully.\u00a0 I don't want to come across disrespectfully.\u00a0 I'm hurting because you matter to me more than anybody.\u00a0 But what happened here just is so distressing to me.\u00a0 But how do I say this in a way that you don't feel I'm trying to emasculate you or be disrespectful.\u00a0 I want to do the respectful thing, but I'm hurting.\u00a0 How can I get through to you?\u00a0 Because it's not fair for me to show you contempt.\u00a0 That's not what I'm trying to do.\"\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf she would approach it that way, every man I know would look at her and engage her.\u00a0 So even there, with emotion, if she'll use the right words, the respect language, but if she will even soften it, you know, saying, you know, \"What happened here?\"\u00a0 And this is very hard for her.\u00a0 This is not natural.\u00a0 See, the reason God commands the husband to love, because in the home, when he feels disrespected, it's not natural for him to love.\u00a0 So he's under divine imperative.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn the home, when a woman feels unloved, it is not natural for her to be respectful.\u00a0 It is natural for her to be disrespectful.\u00a0 So God has commanded her to show respect at the point of vulnerability.\u00a0 So it takes a little practice.\u00a0 But I do not believe women are powerless.\u00a0 I don't believe they're hopeless, helpless victims.\u00a0 I believe they have incredible power, Peter did, and when they do this, when they put it on with their facial expression, their tone, their word choice, and ask themselves, \"Is this going to come across to him respectfully,\" go ahead and say to him whatever and watch what happens.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I'm glad you mention the word \"power,\" because the Apostle Paul spoke of the Holy Spirit and the fruit of the Spirit \u2013 love, joy, peace, patience, self-control.\u00a0 And that's really what you're talking about here, is a woman who is being filled, empowered, yielded to the Holy Spirit.\u00a0 She is a follower of Jesus Christ, she has the Holy Spirit, and she has the same power that raised Christ from the dead.\u00a0 She is not powerless.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI'll never forget, Emerson, a woman who used to work in my office.\u00a0 She had been married for, I think, close to 50 years, and she told me one day what she said was some of the finest advice she received as a young lady who was engaged before she was about to be married.\u00a0 Now, this was who knows how many years ago \u2013 back in the '20s or '30s when she got this advice.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHer mom said to her, \"Sweetie, if you crown him king, he will crown you queen.\"\u00a0 Now, I think every woman wants the love from her husband that makes her a queen.\u00a0 The problem is, I think, many times, like the husband can do, they are waiting on their spouses to provide what they need before they act.\u00a0 You've made the point that women are to respect their husbands whether or not they are getting love from him or not, right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Emerson:<\/strong> Yes, exactly.\u00a0 And that is suffering, and it's unfair, and even the word \"reverence\" \u2013 and, see, the whole language that is used sends chills up women's spines.\u00a0 So we come back to this idea.\u00a0 It's unconditional.\u00a0 We're not talking about him deserving it.\u00a0 We are also talking about a good-willed man.\u00a0 Now, he has a bad hair day on any given week.\u00a0 We're talking about an imperfect individual.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut one of the things I discovered \u2013 take this illustration.\u00a0 Let's suppose I'm a four-star general, and I was the chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, and I decided that I wanted to lead a special force group, and I asked for a special assignment to select 300 men, and it was going to go in the heart of combat, so it was going to be all male in this case, and so I'm standing before these 300 men, and they've been working, doing different things, and I said, \"Men, I was watching you today, and you stink.\u00a0 You absolutely stink.\u00a0 This is horrible.\u00a0 I asked for special assignment on this, and I was watching you guys, and it's absolutely miserable.\u00a0 But where you're going to be in the next six months, the world is going to hear of this unit, and I'm going to lead the charge, and I'm going to be in front, and I'm going to be the first one to die.\u00a0 Get your head up, young man, and look at me.\u00a0 I believe in you more than you believe in yourself.\u00a0 You've got more athleticism than anybody I've seen in a long time.\u00a0 You, too, get your head \u2013 look at every one of you.\u00a0 Get your heads up and look at me.\u00a0 I believe in you men, I respect you men more than you respect yourselves.\u00a0 You stink, that's for sure, but where you're going in the next six months, the world is going to hear of this unit, and I'm leading in front, and I hope you'll follow me.\u00a0 You will follow me, because I'm going to lead.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI say to ladies, \"Ladies, you may not understand this, but when men hear that kind of language and that kind of leadership, men do two things in the face of that.\u00a0 They serve.\u00a0 And the second thing men do, and I say, \"Listen to me.\u00a0 The second thing men do in the face of unconditional respect is they die.\u00a0 They die.\u00a0 They literally give their lives.\"\u00a0 Feminism has said if you show respect toward a man like that, he will treat you in a subservient way.\u00a0 I said, \"I'm going on record to say that's a lie \u2013 not a good-willed man.\u00a0 He will not treat you in a subservient way, he will serve you.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe second thing they say, \"Well, if you treat a man with unconditional respect like that when he doesn't deserve it, and you don't feel it, he'll kill you emotionally.\"\u00a0 No, no, no, no, he will die for you, he will die for you, and that's the image we've got to have.\u00a0 In fact, one man said to his wife, \"I love you so much, I'd die for you.\"\u00a0 She said, \"Oh, Harry, you keep saying that, but you never do.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> One thing you've made real clear, though, for a woman to be able to do this, she will have to suffer. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Emerson:<\/strong> That's what Peter is saying.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yes, some of the fine print after 1 Peter 3:1-6, the passage that follows that is that if you suffer for the sake of righteousness, you are blessed.\u00a0 But the apostle goes on to say, \"But set Christ apart in your hearts as Lord, always being ready to make a defense to everyone who asks you to give an account for the hope that is in you, yet with gentleness and reverence.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Emerson:<\/strong> There it is, the same word, same word.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> There is that facial expression that you're talking.\u00a0 So as you suffer, you don't screw your face up, as a woman, and let your husband know you're suffering.\u00a0 That defeats the purpose of delivering respect to him, and as you suffer, suffer well.\u00a0 I don't think this message within the Christian community is being talked about enough today.\u00a0 I think we're talking far too much about happiness and success when, indeed, when you look at the Bible, the Bible is talking about suffering well.\u00a0 Because a lot of life means we're going to have to suffer.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You know, you stop and think about it, what you're talking about here, it's pretty interesting that folks are responding to it the way they are \u2013 to your book and, really, to the message that we're giving at our FamilyLife Weekend to Remember Marriage Conferences, because at some level you're calling people to sacrifice, and maybe even to suffer.\u00a0 And most people aren't going to go buy a book and say, I want a book that helps me know how to make sacrifices or how to suffer, if that's, in fact, the case.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut, I have to tell you, I've been talking to people who have read your book \u2013 in fact, I was talking to somebody not long ago, and I said, \"What do you think about it?\"\u00a0 And this was a relative, she said, \"I really like it.\"\u00a0 And then she said, \"In fact, I'm really convicted.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe've got copies of your book in our FamilyLife Resource Center, and if our listeners have not read it, let me encourage them to go online and request a copy or call 1-800-FLTODAY and make arrangements to have a copy sent to them.\u00a0 I think they will find it very helpful, and then let me remind our listeners, as well, that this week is your final opportunity to register for one of our upcoming Weekend to Remember Marriage Conferences, and to save up to $100 per couple off the complete weekend package.\u00a0 We've been making this offer available for our listeners last week and again this week, but we need to hear from you before midnight this Friday night, Pacific time, if you want to take advantage of this special opportunity to save up to $100 per couple on the complete package.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAll the details are on our website at FamilyLife.com.\u00a0 When you go to the home page, on the right side of the screen, you'll see a box that says \"Today's Broadcast,\" and if you click where it says \"Learn More,\" you'll see a link to a page that has all the information about the special offer for FamilyLife Today listeners, and all you need to know about registration is when you call 1-800-FLTODAY, or if you're registering online, you need to identify yourself as a radio listener.\u00a0 When you call, jus say \"I listen to your program on the radio,\" or you can say \"Bob sent me,\" and they'll know that you qualify for the special offer.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you're registering online, there is a keycode box on the registration form.\u00a0 Just put my name in the box.\u00a0 Just type in \"Bob\" and, again, you'll qualify for the special offer.\u00a0 But we've got to hear from you this week.\u00a0 So either call or register online and make plans now to attend an upcoming FamilyLife Today Weekend to Remember Marriage Conference.\u00a0 It's a fun, romantic, relaxing, rejuvenating getaway, and you'll also get practical biblical help for building a stronger marriage relationship, and we hope you'll make plans to attend.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWell, tomorrow we're going to continue to talk about how important respect is in a marriage, especially for a husband, and about what a wife can do to demonstrate respect for her husband.\u00a0 I hope you can be with us for that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team.\u00a0 On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 We'll see you back next time for another edition of FamilyLife Today. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFamilyLife Today is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas \u2013 help for today; hope for tomorrow.\u00a0\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t______________________________________________________________\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts for you. However, there is a cost to transcribe, create, and produce them for our website. If you've benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright \u00a9 FamilyLife. 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