{"id":301584,"date":"2008-05-09T11:00:00","date_gmt":"2008-05-09T15:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/roving-toward-romance\/"},"modified":"2008-05-09T11:00:00","modified_gmt":"2008-05-09T15:00:00","slug":"roving-toward-romance","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/roving-toward-romance\/","title":{"rendered":"Roving Toward Romance"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Are men really as romantic as women?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2008-05-09.mp3","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:","filesize":"10.87M","filesize_raw":"11399116","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2093],"tags":[4924,4922,4921,4923,4920],"podcast_series":[7366],"cwp_profile":[3204],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-301584","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-women","tag-daughter","tag-mom","tag-mother","tag-wife","tag-womanhood","podcast_series-for-women-only","cwp_profile-shaunti-feldhahn","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/301584\/roving-toward-romance","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/301584\/roving-toward-romance","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"5oO7oAILog\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/roving-toward-romance\/\">Roving Toward Romance<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/roving-toward-romance\/embed\/#?secret=5oO7oAILog\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Roving Toward Romance&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"5oO7oAILog\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2008-05-09.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2008-05-09.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> This is FamilyLife Today.\u00a0 I'm Bob Lepine along with the president of FamilyLife, Dennis Rainey.\u00a0 Pass me that box of tissues from over there, will you?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCowboy: [horse neighing] Oh, Paula, you know I've always loved you, and I always will love you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Wait a sec, wait a sec, stop the movie clip.\u00a0 I've heard you describe yourself as Mr. Romance, as the Michael Jordan of romance. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Did I say that?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And I thought to myself \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2026 you asked me earlier if I was a poser \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> No, I didn't ask you, I just \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> You said I was a poser.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I announced to the listening audience that you're a poser.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Today you're saying I declared myself \"The Michael Jordan of Romance?\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0\"Mr. Romance,\" that's right, and so I was \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Let's not ask Barbara if I'm the Michael Jordan of romance.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I thought, \"Could that be Dennis?\u00a0 It sounds so romantic, so passionate,\" but you didn't record that movie, did you?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I did not.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> No.\u00a0 Barbara is with us on FamilyLife Today.\u00a0 How about it?\u00a0 Is he a pretty romantic guy?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong> I knew you were going to say that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I'm just glad you didn't ask her if I was the Michael Jordan of romance.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong> Yea, no, I'm glad he didn't ask me, either.\u00a0 And so your question is \u2013 sir?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> The question is, is Dennis a pretty romantic fellow?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong> Yes, he is.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> That was a pretty clinical answer.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong> It was a confident answer, not clinical.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> It was confident.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Why did you say it was clinical?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong> Yeah.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Could you elaborate a little bit more?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong> I think Dennis is romantic because his personality is more spontaneous than mine, and his spontaneity allows him to stop at the store, and he'll buy flowers.\u00a0 So he'll do some of those kinds of things off the cuff that are very throughtuf.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And do you like that when he does it?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong> I do.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> What's your love language?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong> Words of affirmation, really, but gifts are pretty nice.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Especially if they sparkle.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> She likes those \u2013 well, we're going to try and help women understand their men when it comes to romance today, right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And how their husbands are romantically challenged.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Not like you, the Michael Jordan of romance.\u00a0 Mr. Romance.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong> No, he's not the Michael Jordan of romance.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> It's been our privilege all this week to have Shaunti Feldhahn with us.\u00a0 Shaunti, we're thrilled that you have spent these moments with us.\u00a0 She's written a book called \"For Women Only,\" and it's really the results of surveying more than 1,000 men on a number of core issues and core needs that men have and that are certainly important when it comes to marriage.\u00a0 We've talk about a man's need for respect, his need for knowing that his wife wants him from an intimacy standpoint.\u00a0 Third, he needs his wife to be visually attractive to him, because he has a mental rolodex that he keeps and that flashes across his brain.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> He is wired, visually, right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> That's right, and then we've also talked about how a man is secretly insecure and how he also has a drive, a hard-wiring as well, to provide for his wife and family.\u00a0 This all came out of your book, \"For Women Only,\" where you did all this research, and when I asked you what the hot topics were that women resonated with with their husbands, you mentioned that romance and how men are challenged romantically was one of them.\u00a0 Was that a surprise to you when you found that out?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Well, here is really what the surprise was, is that we kind of \u2013 I hate to say it, but assume that men are \"challenged romantically\" is probably not even they way we would put it.\u00a0 We just sort of say that they're not interested.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Let me tell you how you'd put it, okay?\u00a0 I'll tell you how you'd put it.\u00a0 Here is the title to your chapter.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Bob is feeling spunky this week.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \"Chocolate, Flowers, Bait Fishing \u2013 Why the Reluctant Clod You Know Really Does Want Romance.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Now, generally, Bob, this has been a very favorable book about men, but she completely fell of the wagon.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \"The Reluctant Clod?\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Well, here is why I put it that way \u2013 that is what we women think, but it's not true.\u00a0 We think that the guy in our life really doesn't want romance the same way that we do.\u00a0 And, instead, what I found in the survey, when I asked men all over the country these questions, I was just absolutely shocked.\u00a0 They want romance with us as much as we do with them.\u00a0 When I tell women this, the automatic response is, \"Well, why don't they do anything about it?\"\u00a0 And, really, there's a couple of answers to that, and that's really what I cover in here.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Well, what are the answers?\u00a0 Why don't they do it?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Well, there are two reasons, actually.\u00a0 One is simply that they feel \u2013 one guy put it \u2013 \"I just feel left-handed romantically.\u00a0 You know, I could write with my left hand if I had to, but I feel really clumsy.\u00a0 I can do things that my wife finds romantic, but I feel clumsy, and that makes me uncomfortable.\u00a0 So better to aim low sometimes.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe second reason is that men tend to find different things romantic than women do.\u00a0 They want to go out and play with their wives, and they find that incredibly romantic.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Like play what?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Well, just go out and play, whether that means play a sport, like, go out and play golf together, or like one guy said, \"You know, I say to my wife, 'Hey, honey, you want to go to Home Depot with me?'\u00a0 And I'm thinking that this would be kind of a fun, intimate outing,\" and when my wife says, \"Well, no, thanks, I kind of need to vacuum the carpet,\" to me, it's the same thing as if I would have said, \"Hey, you want to have a candlelight dinner, honey?\"\u00a0 And she says, \"No, thanks, I'd rather vacuum the carpet.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> So he's thinking Home Depot is \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong> \u2026 romantic, huh?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> It's going out and getting together and being together.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You don't think that, do you?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I don't.\u00a0 I've never thought about taking Barbara to Home Depot.\u00a0 I do know this \u2013 men are challenged when it comes to romance.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> In fact, we took one of your survey questions, it was the question \u2013 you mentioned it earlier this week \u2013 the question that if you had a special occasion coming, could you pull off a romantic event for your wife?\u00a0 And we decided to go around and ask some guys that question and see what kind of response we got, and here is what the guys said.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Man:<\/strong> Well, I'd like to say that I'm confident that I could, but, in reality, I'd probably be nervous all the way up to the point of when it takes place, just because it's not something that I'm very good at.\u00a0 It's actually something that I'd work at but, yeah, it takes a lot of energy for me.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Man:<\/strong> You're asking the wrong man \u2013 I am a helpless romantic.\u00a0 I'm not very romantic at all.\u00a0 Maybe it's just that I don't try hard enough, because I've got to admit, when I was dating Kathy I was much more creative than I am now, it seems like.\u00a0 My problem is, like most men, is we think we need to spend a lot of money or go on a fancy trip or do something really huge for my wife to consider that worthwhile or romantic, and it's not true.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Man:<\/strong> I could do it, but, for me, it gets me way out of the box.\u00a0 I have to think kind of long and hard before I put something like that together.\u00a0 It doesn't come natural.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Man:<\/strong> It's very challenging.\u00a0 It takes a lot of focus and mental energy to do something like that for me naturally.\u00a0 Usually, if I'm going to do something like that, I'll start looking at the tried-and-true, looking around to see what ideas to spur my thoughts, you know, to spur my heart and my emotions.\u00a0 But once you start doing it, it's really enjoyable, it's really fun, and it's really exciting once you put something together that you know that she is going to enjoy, there is that joy on the other side of that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Man:<\/strong> Yes, I think that I could do it.\u00a0 It would take some planning, because I've noticed that my wife responds to things in a more positive fashion when there's some planning involved.\u00a0 You know, going out the night before to get a gift for her birthday that's the next day doesn't work, but going out a couple of weeks before to find that perfect gift that's just for her \u2013 that works.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Now, I hear that guy, and I wonder \u2013 do all wives want deliberate activity that took planning or are there some wives who go, \"I really like it when he's spontaneous and just comes off-the-cuff with it?\u00a0 What do you think?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> You know what?\u00a0 I think that probably women are all over the map.\u00a0 The thing that I really hope that women get from this in hearing those clips, especially, is couldn't you tell, Barbara, especially \u2013 the guys wanted to do romantic things with their wives.\u00a0 They enjoy this.\u00a0 We've got to give them a lot more credit for that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong> Yes, but they did sound hesitant.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Yes, that sort of left-handed feeling.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong> That was very clear, that they were hesitant.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> They sounded very insecure.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Well, it's that thing that I've heard from some so many men that we've talked about many times this week \u2013 men are just very performance-oriented, and when they feel like they can't quite do a really good job, that feeling, some men have described as just humiliating.\u00a0 So one guy said, and this is, to me, very telling, he said, \"You know what?\u00a0 I am willing to try and to make a fool of myself for you, to do something that you would find that would be fun and romantic.\u00a0 But if you tease me about not quite getting that candlelight dinner right, it will be five years before I try that again.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> As I listened to those guys, I was thinking a lot of them could benefit from reading the book that the two of you wrote, \"Rekindling the Romance,\" because, Dennis, in your half of the book, you help men understand how a woman is wired, what is romantic to her, and how to connect relationally.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd, Shaunti, that is at the bottom line of this from a woman's perspective, isn't it?\u00a0 She wants a relational connection, and whether that happens in the context of a trip to Home Depot or the candlelight dinner, as long as they're having an opportunity to connect soul-to-soul, heart-to-heart, she's in love with that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> And that's the thing that I wish women would understand from this, too, is that a guy loves that, too.\u00a0 He wants that connection just as much as she does, and when we can kind of open our eyes to recognize that, what a neat opportunity to view a whole other piece of the world of going out and playing together and having fun together as romantic.\u00a0 I actually had one man tell me a great story about how he was golfing one day with some golfing buddies on a Saturday morning, and the four of them saw, in front of them, there was a twosome \u2013 a husband and a wife \u2013 playing golf together.\u00a0 And he said all of us were jealous, because we all wished that we were out playing golf with our wives and thought how fun and romantic that looked.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong> Interesting.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Have you ever done that?\u00a0 Have you played golf with Dennis?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong> You know, we've talked about that, and I have to confess that I've not played golf with him, and I think he would like for me to, but it's been very hard for me to think about taking a whole afternoon to play golf.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Well, use that as a long \u2013\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t(crosstalk) \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong> I know, I know.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> If he said, \"Let's go antiquing this afternoon,\" and it was going to take the whole afternoon, would you have a problem with that?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong> Not as much, of course.\u00a0 And part of it is I don't know how to play the game, either.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> The time is not the issue there.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong> You're right, you're right, I'm guilty.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Shaunti, one of the questions, now, this is a hard one that I want to give you here, but I am now tying into an earlier broadcast when we talked with you about one of the other core needs that you found in men, and that was their need for their wives to want to be with them sexually.\u00a0 I wonder if a big part of why men are reticent to be creative romantically is they've tried, in baby steps, or even maybe some big ideas, and they've been shut down by their wives?\u00a0 Could it be that that has quenched the romantic fires?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Oh, boy, I've heard that over and over.\u00a0 I have heard from men and, ladies, let's just be realistic about this \u2013 that many men have said, \"I really want to be romantic with my wife.\u00a0 I want to go out and do these things together or set up this big candlelight dinner, but I've got a very specific endpoint in mind for that evening.\u00a0 I know what I want at the end of that evening, and if I get the message at the end of that evening that, again, it's not about the sex, it's about being wanted, that after all of that you still don't measure up,\" oh, that does more than anything else to shut the man down.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> You're saying that at the end of the evening when the wife says, \"I don't want to be with you,\" that communicates to a man, \"You don't measure up.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Yes, including all that wonderful romantic stuff that he just did.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I just tried my hardest to woo you, to win you, to love you, to express that I care about you.\u00a0 We went dancing, because I know you like dancing, we went to your favorite froo-froo restaurant, but when all of that effort goes into that, and the woman says, you know, \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong> \u2026 I'm too tired.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> That's like saying to the man, \"You just tried your hardest, and\" \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> \u2026 \"you still don't measure up.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You put up a brick, and there are no points for that one.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Yes, and it really is because we women don't get it.\u00a0 We think it's about the sex and not about being wanted, and once we realize it's about the guy feeling wanted and like he measures up, then we realize that's exactly the message that we're sending.\u00a0 After all of that, you're still not there, buddy.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And you and your husband Jeff now have been married how many years?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Ten years.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Ten years, and you say when it comes to romance, though, setting the table and creating the mood and the atmosphere, you say Jeff refers to this as \"feast or famine.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> He does, and the poor guy, part of it is, again, me not realizing how performance-oriented he was.\u00a0 He set up this incredible romantic thing for me for Valentine's Day, where he ended up doing this big event and giving me ice-skating lessons with JoJo Starbuck at Rockefeller Center.\u00a0 It was this enormous, huge thing.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> You're kidding?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> No.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You got ice-skating lessons with JoJo Starbuck at Rockefeller Center?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> We were living in New York.\u00a0 He went to all this trouble, put together this huge romantic present for me for Valentine's Day, and then I didn't, like, get any real presents for, like, the next three years.\u00a0 I didn't get a birthday present or much of a Christmas present, and finally he explained that he had just \u2013 was sure that he would never be able to top the reaction that he got from me or be able to top that gift.\u00a0 And so he felt like he just had to shut down because, again, guys are so performance-oriented, and it wasn't until he sort of realized, you know what?\u00a0 It's okay if I don't have to top myself every time.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> So a pair of slippers on your birthday \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> \u2026 is fine.\u00a0 But that's the way a lot of guys feel \u2013 is they feel like, again, performance-oriented, they've got to top it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Well, we heard from some of the men that we interviewed, they equated romance after marriage with big bucks \u2013 but it's not necessarily that kind of romance that grabs your wife's heart, right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> No, and that's the thing.\u00a0 I think probably Barbara would agree, is that for we women, we really just want that emotional connection with our men and this is, again, it's all about that affirmation and our men feeling safe.\u00a0 We've talked about that before in other contexts \u2013 this is one of them.\u00a0 It's that, \"You know what, honey?\u00a0 Anything you do is going to make me feel special.\"\u00a0 But you know what, ladies, that comes along with the responsibility for making sure we do affirm those efforts rather than making him feel like he didn't quite measure up.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> What can a wife do, then, knowing that her husband may feel left-handed when it comes to romance, that he doesn't have a lot of confidence other than getting your book, reading this through and understanding his core need, and then maybe reading our book, \"Rekindling the Romance,\" and getting some practical tips, and there are five different date nights that husbands can do with their wives that practically lay out the whole plan, that gives them some confidence to play the game right-handed.\u00a0 But how else can a wife really help her husband in this area?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> It's all about appreciation and admiration, that's really what it is.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong>\u00a0 I agree.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Guys, over and over again, all throughout all these subjects, what I heard from men is that they just respond so well to being admired by their wife, and that's really what they strive for.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> We are not really that sophisticated.\u00a0 It's not that hard to figure out.\u00a0 If a wife says to her husband, \"That was really neat, that made me feel special,\" we are likely to try it again sometime.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Exactly, positive reinforcement.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I'm telling you, there is something about the male ego that all it takes is a little bit of affirmation for it, and we'll go, \"I'll do that again.\u00a0 I'll try it tomorrow.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yes, but here is where Barbara's equation \u2013 this is where Barbara's equation really bites a guy.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes, it does, because Barbara's equation, Shaunti, you're not familiar with this, but \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> \u2026 I don't think I am.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong> No, you're not.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Barbara's equation is that \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2026 when it comes to romance \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2026 if a guy thinks \"A+B+C will always equal D,\" then the next time he goes to try A+B+C, and the wife goes, \"That didn't get it for me.\u00a0 There's no 'D' in me today.\"\u00a0 The guy goes, \"What happened here?\u00a0 I thought that's how it worked,\" and Barbara says that women change the formula every time.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> You know what?\u00a0 I think we tend to.\u00a0 That's a really good point, and it confuses our men to no end.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yeah!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Do you think?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I think sometimes ladies actually chase the alphabet.\u00a0 It's not just A+B.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> No, they go to Greek alphabet \u2013 it's Alpha+Beta=Gamma this time.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And we're going to let you guess.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> But here is where, I think, again, part of it is recognizing and appreciating so much about how our men feel about us and wanting to be with us and recognizing that this is a huge, wonderful gift to us and how much better, honestly, everything in our marriage, everything in our life would be if we learned to understand what's really going on inside of you so that we don't constantly change that equation on you.\u00a0 I mean, honestly, I think a part of it is just simple cluelessness on our part.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You know, recently, we had a friend, a young couple, that we knew in our church who were getting married, and Mary Ann went to the wedding shower for this young woman, and she said before she went, she said, \"Do you think I ought to give the bride-to-be a copy of Shaunti's book?\u00a0 And I said, \"Absolutely.\"\u00a0 I said, \"Any woman who could start off marriage with this kind of insight into the man she is about to spend the rest of her life with, it would benefit her, it would benefit him, it's going to benefit their covenant.\"\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI don't know if you wrote this book or did this research thinking this is going to be marital help.\u00a0 Was that in the back of your mind?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> You know, honestly, I have to answer it didn't start out that way because really, honestly, it started out with me just realizing there was a bunch of stuff I was clueless about, and as I kept going and kept doing this and then we started seeing some of these examples in the couples in our home group, and I realized that, for us women, it really is about our eyes being opened to things we just didn't see before.\u00a0 And you know what?\u00a0 For marriages, when your eyes are opened, you can't go back to being blind again.\u00a0 And that one thing, of having your eyes opened, I have found, now, that it is an enormous help to marriages.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, of course, that presumes that once your eyes are opened you care that you're going to what God would have you do in your marriage relationship, and that's going to involve some sacrificial love not just for a wife to a husband but for a husband to a wife as well.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut you really do help women understand how they can do a better job of what we presume they want to do, which is to love their husbands well, and we've got copies of your book in our FamilyLife Resource Center, and I know you've got another question you want to ask Shaunti, but let me give our listeners the information on how they can get her book.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGo to our website, FamilyLife.com, and click on the right side of the screen where it says \"Today's Broadcast,\" and that will take you to an area of the site where there is more information about the book, \"For Women Only,\" by Shaunti Feldhahn.\u00a0 There is also information about Dr. Robert Lewis's new book for women called \"The New Eve,\" and Shaunti wrote the foreword for that book.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you're interested in getting both of those books together, we'll send them along with the CD audio of this week's FamilyLife Today programs.\u00a0 So, again, all the information is on our website at FamilyLife.com, or you can call us at 1-800-FLTODAY, that's 1-800-358-6329.\u00a0 When you call, someone on our team will make the arrangements necessary to have the resources you need sent to you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, I have mentioned, over the last several weeks, the matching gift opportunity that has been made available to us here at FamilyLife.\u00a0 We've had some friends of the ministry who have agreed to match every donation we receive during the month of May on a dollar-for-dollar basis up to a total of $635,000, and we've already started hearing from some of our listeners.\u00a0 We appreciate those of you who have gotten in touch with us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI just want to remind you that at FamilyLife, we believe that your first priority in giving should be to your local church, and even with this matching gift opportunity, we don't want to do anything that would take away from the giving you ought to be doing in your local church setting, but if you are able to help us with a donation above and beyond what you're giving at your local church, it would be a great encouragement to us.\u00a0 We're hoping to take full advantage of this matching gift opportunity, and if we're going to do that, we need to hear from as many listeners as possible.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou can donate online at FamilyLife.com or you can call us at 1-800-FLTODAY, and, again, let me say thanks in advance for your support of this ministry, and we really appreciate hearing from you.\u00a0 Dennis?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, it's been fun this week to have Barbara with us on FamilyLife Today.\u00a0 Thanks, sweetheart, back by popular demand of our listening audience.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong> You're welcome, I enjoyed it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And, Shaunti Feldhahn, thank you for being with us as well.\u00a0 When you completed your research on 1,000 men, you had one big surprise that you just frankly couldn't believe, but it really was true about a core need men had that women need to know.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Yes.\u00a0 I did, at the very end of the survey, I gave the men a blank space, and I asked them this question \u2013 I said, \"What is the one most important thing you wish your wife knew but feel you can't explain to her or tell her?\"\u00a0 And I really felt like it was going to be an opportunity for the men to vent, you know, talk about anything.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd I was absolutely shocked when I got the results back and found that when they could say anything that they wanted, overwhelmingly, the largest number of men, by far, answered that the one most important thing they wish their wife knew was \"How much I love her.\"\u00a0 And that was absolutely astonishing to me, to feel like there are so many men out there, that when they could talk about anything that they felt was wrong or a challenge, instead they really desperately wanted to get across to their wives how much they cared about them.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOne man, he said that the one most important thing he wished his wife knew was \"How important some things are to me that I am not going to mention, because she is more important to me than all those other things.\"\u00a0 And I realized how much our men really do wish that they could get this across to us and how much more credit so many of us need to give our husbands in how much they care about us rather than always assuming, which I think our minds tend to go to \u2013 \"Oh, maybe he really doesn't love me.\"\u00a0 No \u2013 overwhelmingly, these men said they love us, and they really want to live up to our expectations.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFamilyLife Today is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas \u2013 help for today; hope for tomorrow.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t_______________________________________________________-\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts for you. However, there is a cost to transcribe, create, and produce them for our website. If you've benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright \u00a9 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>www.FamilyLife.com<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>"],"_seopress_titles_title":[""],"_seopress_titles_desc":[""],"_seopress_robots_index":[""],"duration":["00:"],"show_notes":[""],"_thumbnail_id":["294104"],"filesize":["10.87M"],"filesize_raw":["11399116"],"_uag_css_file_name":["uag-css-301584.css"],"_uag_js_file_name":["uag-js-301584.js"],"_uag_page_assets":["a:9:{s:3:\"css\";s:82560:\".wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-top svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-top .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: rgba(51,51,51,1);}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-bottom svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-bottom .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: rgba(51,51,51,1);}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f 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men really as romantic as women?","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2008-05-09.pdf","transcript_content":"<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> This is FamilyLife Today.\u00a0 I'm Bob Lepine along with the president of FamilyLife, Dennis Rainey.\u00a0 Pass me that box of tissues from over there, will you?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCowboy: [horse neighing] Oh, Paula, you know I've always loved you, and I always will love you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Wait a sec, wait a sec, stop the movie clip.\u00a0 I've heard you describe yourself as Mr. Romance, as the Michael Jordan of romance. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Did I say that?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And I thought to myself \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2026 you asked me earlier if I was a poser \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> No, I didn't ask you, I just \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> You said I was a poser.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I announced to the listening audience that you're a poser.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Today you're saying I declared myself \"The Michael Jordan of Romance?\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0\"Mr. Romance,\" that's right, and so I was \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Let's not ask Barbara if I'm the Michael Jordan of romance.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I thought, \"Could that be Dennis?\u00a0 It sounds so romantic, so passionate,\" but you didn't record that movie, did you?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I did not.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> No.\u00a0 Barbara is with us on FamilyLife Today.\u00a0 How about it?\u00a0 Is he a pretty romantic guy?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong> I knew you were going to say that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I'm just glad you didn't ask her if I was the Michael Jordan of romance.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong> Yea, no, I'm glad he didn't ask me, either.\u00a0 And so your question is \u2013 sir?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> The question is, is Dennis a pretty romantic fellow?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong> Yes, he is.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> That was a pretty clinical answer.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong> It was a confident answer, not clinical.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> It was confident.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Why did you say it was clinical?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong> Yeah.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Could you elaborate a little bit more?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong> I think Dennis is romantic because his personality is more spontaneous than mine, and his spontaneity allows him to stop at the store, and he'll buy flowers.\u00a0 So he'll do some of those kinds of things off the cuff that are very throughtuf.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And do you like that when he does it?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong> I do.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> What's your love language?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong> Words of affirmation, really, but gifts are pretty nice.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Especially if they sparkle.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> She likes those \u2013 well, we're going to try and help women understand their men when it comes to romance today, right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And how their husbands are romantically challenged.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Not like you, the Michael Jordan of romance.\u00a0 Mr. Romance.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong> No, he's not the Michael Jordan of romance.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> It's been our privilege all this week to have Shaunti Feldhahn with us.\u00a0 Shaunti, we're thrilled that you have spent these moments with us.\u00a0 She's written a book called \"For Women Only,\" and it's really the results of surveying more than 1,000 men on a number of core issues and core needs that men have and that are certainly important when it comes to marriage.\u00a0 We've talk about a man's need for respect, his need for knowing that his wife wants him from an intimacy standpoint.\u00a0 Third, he needs his wife to be visually attractive to him, because he has a mental rolodex that he keeps and that flashes across his brain.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> He is wired, visually, right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> That's right, and then we've also talked about how a man is secretly insecure and how he also has a drive, a hard-wiring as well, to provide for his wife and family.\u00a0 This all came out of your book, \"For Women Only,\" where you did all this research, and when I asked you what the hot topics were that women resonated with with their husbands, you mentioned that romance and how men are challenged romantically was one of them.\u00a0 Was that a surprise to you when you found that out?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Well, here is really what the surprise was, is that we kind of \u2013 I hate to say it, but assume that men are \"challenged romantically\" is probably not even they way we would put it.\u00a0 We just sort of say that they're not interested.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Let me tell you how you'd put it, okay?\u00a0 I'll tell you how you'd put it.\u00a0 Here is the title to your chapter.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Bob is feeling spunky this week.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \"Chocolate, Flowers, Bait Fishing \u2013 Why the Reluctant Clod You Know Really Does Want Romance.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Now, generally, Bob, this has been a very favorable book about men, but she completely fell of the wagon.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \"The Reluctant Clod?\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Well, here is why I put it that way \u2013 that is what we women think, but it's not true.\u00a0 We think that the guy in our life really doesn't want romance the same way that we do.\u00a0 And, instead, what I found in the survey, when I asked men all over the country these questions, I was just absolutely shocked.\u00a0 They want romance with us as much as we do with them.\u00a0 When I tell women this, the automatic response is, \"Well, why don't they do anything about it?\"\u00a0 And, really, there's a couple of answers to that, and that's really what I cover in here.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Well, what are the answers?\u00a0 Why don't they do it?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Well, there are two reasons, actually.\u00a0 One is simply that they feel \u2013 one guy put it \u2013 \"I just feel left-handed romantically.\u00a0 You know, I could write with my left hand if I had to, but I feel really clumsy.\u00a0 I can do things that my wife finds romantic, but I feel clumsy, and that makes me uncomfortable.\u00a0 So better to aim low sometimes.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe second reason is that men tend to find different things romantic than women do.\u00a0 They want to go out and play with their wives, and they find that incredibly romantic.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Like play what?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Well, just go out and play, whether that means play a sport, like, go out and play golf together, or like one guy said, \"You know, I say to my wife, 'Hey, honey, you want to go to Home Depot with me?'\u00a0 And I'm thinking that this would be kind of a fun, intimate outing,\" and when my wife says, \"Well, no, thanks, I kind of need to vacuum the carpet,\" to me, it's the same thing as if I would have said, \"Hey, you want to have a candlelight dinner, honey?\"\u00a0 And she says, \"No, thanks, I'd rather vacuum the carpet.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> So he's thinking Home Depot is \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong> \u2026 romantic, huh?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> It's going out and getting together and being together.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You don't think that, do you?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I don't.\u00a0 I've never thought about taking Barbara to Home Depot.\u00a0 I do know this \u2013 men are challenged when it comes to romance.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> In fact, we took one of your survey questions, it was the question \u2013 you mentioned it earlier this week \u2013 the question that if you had a special occasion coming, could you pull off a romantic event for your wife?\u00a0 And we decided to go around and ask some guys that question and see what kind of response we got, and here is what the guys said.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Man:<\/strong> Well, I'd like to say that I'm confident that I could, but, in reality, I'd probably be nervous all the way up to the point of when it takes place, just because it's not something that I'm very good at.\u00a0 It's actually something that I'd work at but, yeah, it takes a lot of energy for me.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Man:<\/strong> You're asking the wrong man \u2013 I am a helpless romantic.\u00a0 I'm not very romantic at all.\u00a0 Maybe it's just that I don't try hard enough, because I've got to admit, when I was dating Kathy I was much more creative than I am now, it seems like.\u00a0 My problem is, like most men, is we think we need to spend a lot of money or go on a fancy trip or do something really huge for my wife to consider that worthwhile or romantic, and it's not true.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Man:<\/strong> I could do it, but, for me, it gets me way out of the box.\u00a0 I have to think kind of long and hard before I put something like that together.\u00a0 It doesn't come natural.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Man:<\/strong> It's very challenging.\u00a0 It takes a lot of focus and mental energy to do something like that for me naturally.\u00a0 Usually, if I'm going to do something like that, I'll start looking at the tried-and-true, looking around to see what ideas to spur my thoughts, you know, to spur my heart and my emotions.\u00a0 But once you start doing it, it's really enjoyable, it's really fun, and it's really exciting once you put something together that you know that she is going to enjoy, there is that joy on the other side of that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Man:<\/strong> Yes, I think that I could do it.\u00a0 It would take some planning, because I've noticed that my wife responds to things in a more positive fashion when there's some planning involved.\u00a0 You know, going out the night before to get a gift for her birthday that's the next day doesn't work, but going out a couple of weeks before to find that perfect gift that's just for her \u2013 that works.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Now, I hear that guy, and I wonder \u2013 do all wives want deliberate activity that took planning or are there some wives who go, \"I really like it when he's spontaneous and just comes off-the-cuff with it?\u00a0 What do you think?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> You know what?\u00a0 I think that probably women are all over the map.\u00a0 The thing that I really hope that women get from this in hearing those clips, especially, is couldn't you tell, Barbara, especially \u2013 the guys wanted to do romantic things with their wives.\u00a0 They enjoy this.\u00a0 We've got to give them a lot more credit for that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong> Yes, but they did sound hesitant.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Yes, that sort of left-handed feeling.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong> That was very clear, that they were hesitant.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> They sounded very insecure.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Well, it's that thing that I've heard from some so many men that we've talked about many times this week \u2013 men are just very performance-oriented, and when they feel like they can't quite do a really good job, that feeling, some men have described as just humiliating.\u00a0 So one guy said, and this is, to me, very telling, he said, \"You know what?\u00a0 I am willing to try and to make a fool of myself for you, to do something that you would find that would be fun and romantic.\u00a0 But if you tease me about not quite getting that candlelight dinner right, it will be five years before I try that again.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> As I listened to those guys, I was thinking a lot of them could benefit from reading the book that the two of you wrote, \"Rekindling the Romance,\" because, Dennis, in your half of the book, you help men understand how a woman is wired, what is romantic to her, and how to connect relationally.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd, Shaunti, that is at the bottom line of this from a woman's perspective, isn't it?\u00a0 She wants a relational connection, and whether that happens in the context of a trip to Home Depot or the candlelight dinner, as long as they're having an opportunity to connect soul-to-soul, heart-to-heart, she's in love with that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> And that's the thing that I wish women would understand from this, too, is that a guy loves that, too.\u00a0 He wants that connection just as much as she does, and when we can kind of open our eyes to recognize that, what a neat opportunity to view a whole other piece of the world of going out and playing together and having fun together as romantic.\u00a0 I actually had one man tell me a great story about how he was golfing one day with some golfing buddies on a Saturday morning, and the four of them saw, in front of them, there was a twosome \u2013 a husband and a wife \u2013 playing golf together.\u00a0 And he said all of us were jealous, because we all wished that we were out playing golf with our wives and thought how fun and romantic that looked.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong> Interesting.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Have you ever done that?\u00a0 Have you played golf with Dennis?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong> You know, we've talked about that, and I have to confess that I've not played golf with him, and I think he would like for me to, but it's been very hard for me to think about taking a whole afternoon to play golf.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Well, use that as a long \u2013\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t(crosstalk) \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong> I know, I know.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> If he said, \"Let's go antiquing this afternoon,\" and it was going to take the whole afternoon, would you have a problem with that?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong> Not as much, of course.\u00a0 And part of it is I don't know how to play the game, either.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> The time is not the issue there.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong> You're right, you're right, I'm guilty.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Shaunti, one of the questions, now, this is a hard one that I want to give you here, but I am now tying into an earlier broadcast when we talked with you about one of the other core needs that you found in men, and that was their need for their wives to want to be with them sexually.\u00a0 I wonder if a big part of why men are reticent to be creative romantically is they've tried, in baby steps, or even maybe some big ideas, and they've been shut down by their wives?\u00a0 Could it be that that has quenched the romantic fires?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Oh, boy, I've heard that over and over.\u00a0 I have heard from men and, ladies, let's just be realistic about this \u2013 that many men have said, \"I really want to be romantic with my wife.\u00a0 I want to go out and do these things together or set up this big candlelight dinner, but I've got a very specific endpoint in mind for that evening.\u00a0 I know what I want at the end of that evening, and if I get the message at the end of that evening that, again, it's not about the sex, it's about being wanted, that after all of that you still don't measure up,\" oh, that does more than anything else to shut the man down.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> You're saying that at the end of the evening when the wife says, \"I don't want to be with you,\" that communicates to a man, \"You don't measure up.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Yes, including all that wonderful romantic stuff that he just did.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I just tried my hardest to woo you, to win you, to love you, to express that I care about you.\u00a0 We went dancing, because I know you like dancing, we went to your favorite froo-froo restaurant, but when all of that effort goes into that, and the woman says, you know, \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong> \u2026 I'm too tired.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> That's like saying to the man, \"You just tried your hardest, and\" \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> \u2026 \"you still don't measure up.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You put up a brick, and there are no points for that one.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Yes, and it really is because we women don't get it.\u00a0 We think it's about the sex and not about being wanted, and once we realize it's about the guy feeling wanted and like he measures up, then we realize that's exactly the message that we're sending.\u00a0 After all of that, you're still not there, buddy.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And you and your husband Jeff now have been married how many years?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Ten years.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Ten years, and you say when it comes to romance, though, setting the table and creating the mood and the atmosphere, you say Jeff refers to this as \"feast or famine.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> He does, and the poor guy, part of it is, again, me not realizing how performance-oriented he was.\u00a0 He set up this incredible romantic thing for me for Valentine's Day, where he ended up doing this big event and giving me ice-skating lessons with JoJo Starbuck at Rockefeller Center.\u00a0 It was this enormous, huge thing.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> You're kidding?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> No.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You got ice-skating lessons with JoJo Starbuck at Rockefeller Center?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> We were living in New York.\u00a0 He went to all this trouble, put together this huge romantic present for me for Valentine's Day, and then I didn't, like, get any real presents for, like, the next three years.\u00a0 I didn't get a birthday present or much of a Christmas present, and finally he explained that he had just \u2013 was sure that he would never be able to top the reaction that he got from me or be able to top that gift.\u00a0 And so he felt like he just had to shut down because, again, guys are so performance-oriented, and it wasn't until he sort of realized, you know what?\u00a0 It's okay if I don't have to top myself every time.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> So a pair of slippers on your birthday \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> \u2026 is fine.\u00a0 But that's the way a lot of guys feel \u2013 is they feel like, again, performance-oriented, they've got to top it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Well, we heard from some of the men that we interviewed, they equated romance after marriage with big bucks \u2013 but it's not necessarily that kind of romance that grabs your wife's heart, right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> No, and that's the thing.\u00a0 I think probably Barbara would agree, is that for we women, we really just want that emotional connection with our men and this is, again, it's all about that affirmation and our men feeling safe.\u00a0 We've talked about that before in other contexts \u2013 this is one of them.\u00a0 It's that, \"You know what, honey?\u00a0 Anything you do is going to make me feel special.\"\u00a0 But you know what, ladies, that comes along with the responsibility for making sure we do affirm those efforts rather than making him feel like he didn't quite measure up.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> What can a wife do, then, knowing that her husband may feel left-handed when it comes to romance, that he doesn't have a lot of confidence other than getting your book, reading this through and understanding his core need, and then maybe reading our book, \"Rekindling the Romance,\" and getting some practical tips, and there are five different date nights that husbands can do with their wives that practically lay out the whole plan, that gives them some confidence to play the game right-handed.\u00a0 But how else can a wife really help her husband in this area?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> It's all about appreciation and admiration, that's really what it is.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong>\u00a0 I agree.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Guys, over and over again, all throughout all these subjects, what I heard from men is that they just respond so well to being admired by their wife, and that's really what they strive for.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> We are not really that sophisticated.\u00a0 It's not that hard to figure out.\u00a0 If a wife says to her husband, \"That was really neat, that made me feel special,\" we are likely to try it again sometime.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Exactly, positive reinforcement.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I'm telling you, there is something about the male ego that all it takes is a little bit of affirmation for it, and we'll go, \"I'll do that again.\u00a0 I'll try it tomorrow.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yes, but here is where Barbara's equation \u2013 this is where Barbara's equation really bites a guy.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes, it does, because Barbara's equation, Shaunti, you're not familiar with this, but \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> \u2026 I don't think I am.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong> No, you're not.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Barbara's equation is that \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2026 when it comes to romance \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2026 if a guy thinks \"A+B+C will always equal D,\" then the next time he goes to try A+B+C, and the wife goes, \"That didn't get it for me.\u00a0 There's no 'D' in me today.\"\u00a0 The guy goes, \"What happened here?\u00a0 I thought that's how it worked,\" and Barbara says that women change the formula every time.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> You know what?\u00a0 I think we tend to.\u00a0 That's a really good point, and it confuses our men to no end.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yeah!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Do you think?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I think sometimes ladies actually chase the alphabet.\u00a0 It's not just A+B.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> No, they go to Greek alphabet \u2013 it's Alpha+Beta=Gamma this time.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And we're going to let you guess.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> But here is where, I think, again, part of it is recognizing and appreciating so much about how our men feel about us and wanting to be with us and recognizing that this is a huge, wonderful gift to us and how much better, honestly, everything in our marriage, everything in our life would be if we learned to understand what's really going on inside of you so that we don't constantly change that equation on you.\u00a0 I mean, honestly, I think a part of it is just simple cluelessness on our part.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You know, recently, we had a friend, a young couple, that we knew in our church who were getting married, and Mary Ann went to the wedding shower for this young woman, and she said before she went, she said, \"Do you think I ought to give the bride-to-be a copy of Shaunti's book?\u00a0 And I said, \"Absolutely.\"\u00a0 I said, \"Any woman who could start off marriage with this kind of insight into the man she is about to spend the rest of her life with, it would benefit her, it would benefit him, it's going to benefit their covenant.\"\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI don't know if you wrote this book or did this research thinking this is going to be marital help.\u00a0 Was that in the back of your mind?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> You know, honestly, I have to answer it didn't start out that way because really, honestly, it started out with me just realizing there was a bunch of stuff I was clueless about, and as I kept going and kept doing this and then we started seeing some of these examples in the couples in our home group, and I realized that, for us women, it really is about our eyes being opened to things we just didn't see before.\u00a0 And you know what?\u00a0 For marriages, when your eyes are opened, you can't go back to being blind again.\u00a0 And that one thing, of having your eyes opened, I have found, now, that it is an enormous help to marriages.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, of course, that presumes that once your eyes are opened you care that you're going to what God would have you do in your marriage relationship, and that's going to involve some sacrificial love not just for a wife to a husband but for a husband to a wife as well.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut you really do help women understand how they can do a better job of what we presume they want to do, which is to love their husbands well, and we've got copies of your book in our FamilyLife Resource Center, and I know you've got another question you want to ask Shaunti, but let me give our listeners the information on how they can get her book.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGo to our website, FamilyLife.com, and click on the right side of the screen where it says \"Today's Broadcast,\" and that will take you to an area of the site where there is more information about the book, \"For Women Only,\" by Shaunti Feldhahn.\u00a0 There is also information about Dr. Robert Lewis's new book for women called \"The New Eve,\" and Shaunti wrote the foreword for that book.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you're interested in getting both of those books together, we'll send them along with the CD audio of this week's FamilyLife Today programs.\u00a0 So, again, all the information is on our website at FamilyLife.com, or you can call us at 1-800-FLTODAY, that's 1-800-358-6329.\u00a0 When you call, someone on our team will make the arrangements necessary to have the resources you need sent to you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, I have mentioned, over the last several weeks, the matching gift opportunity that has been made available to us here at FamilyLife.\u00a0 We've had some friends of the ministry who have agreed to match every donation we receive during the month of May on a dollar-for-dollar basis up to a total of $635,000, and we've already started hearing from some of our listeners.\u00a0 We appreciate those of you who have gotten in touch with us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI just want to remind you that at FamilyLife, we believe that your first priority in giving should be to your local church, and even with this matching gift opportunity, we don't want to do anything that would take away from the giving you ought to be doing in your local church setting, but if you are able to help us with a donation above and beyond what you're giving at your local church, it would be a great encouragement to us.\u00a0 We're hoping to take full advantage of this matching gift opportunity, and if we're going to do that, we need to hear from as many listeners as possible.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou can donate online at FamilyLife.com or you can call us at 1-800-FLTODAY, and, again, let me say thanks in advance for your support of this ministry, and we really appreciate hearing from you.\u00a0 Dennis?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, it's been fun this week to have Barbara with us on FamilyLife Today.\u00a0 Thanks, sweetheart, back by popular demand of our listening audience.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong> You're welcome, I enjoyed it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And, Shaunti Feldhahn, thank you for being with us as well.\u00a0 When you completed your research on 1,000 men, you had one big surprise that you just frankly couldn't believe, but it really was true about a core need men had that women need to know.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Yes.\u00a0 I did, at the very end of the survey, I gave the men a blank space, and I asked them this question \u2013 I said, \"What is the one most important thing you wish your wife knew but feel you can't explain to her or tell her?\"\u00a0 And I really felt like it was going to be an opportunity for the men to vent, you know, talk about anything.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd I was absolutely shocked when I got the results back and found that when they could say anything that they wanted, overwhelmingly, the largest number of men, by far, answered that the one most important thing they wish their wife knew was \"How much I love her.\"\u00a0 And that was absolutely astonishing to me, to feel like there are so many men out there, that when they could talk about anything that they felt was wrong or a challenge, instead they really desperately wanted to get across to their wives how much they cared about them.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOne man, he said that the one most important thing he wished his wife knew was \"How important some things are to me that I am not going to mention, because she is more important to me than all those other things.\"\u00a0 And I realized how much our men really do wish that they could get this across to us and how much more credit so many of us need to give our husbands in how much they care about us rather than always assuming, which I think our minds tend to go to \u2013 \"Oh, maybe he really doesn't love me.\"\u00a0 No \u2013 overwhelmingly, these men said they love us, and they really want to live up to our expectations.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFamilyLife Today is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas \u2013 help for today; hope for tomorrow.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t_______________________________________________________-\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts for you. However, there is a cost to transcribe, create, and produce them for our website. If you've benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright \u00a9 FamilyLife. 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