{"id":301526,"date":"2008-02-06T12:00:00","date_gmt":"2008-02-06T17:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/different-by-design\/"},"modified":"2008-02-06T12:00:00","modified_gmt":"2008-02-06T17:00:00","slug":"different-by-design","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/different-by-design\/","title":{"rendered":"Different by Design"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>When it comes to romance, men and women can be as different as night and day.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2008-02-06.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:","filesize":"12.38M","filesize_raw":"12978664","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2088,2862],"tags":[4927,4527,2877],"podcast_series":[7333],"cwp_profile":[3052,3048],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-301526","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-romance-and-sex","category-understanding-differences","tag-challenges","tag-communication","tag-marriage","podcast_series-rekindling-the-romance","cwp_profile-barbara-rainey","cwp_profile-dennis-rainey","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/301526\/different-by-design","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/301526\/different-by-design","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"HGud8wJ0rU\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/different-by-design\/\">Different by Design<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/different-by-design\/embed\/#?secret=HGud8wJ0rU\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Different by Design&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"HGud8wJ0rU\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":["https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg",508,508,false]},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"kfairris@familylife.com","author_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/author\/kfairrisfamilylife-com\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"When it comes to romance, men and women can be as different as night and day.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2008-02-06.pdf","transcript_content":"<p>\n\t\t\t\t[musical transition] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBarbara:\u00a0If we were both like me, we would never probably get together, because I need Dennis, I need his greater drive for intimacy and relationship on the intimate level, because I don't have that same level.\u00a0 And he needs my greater drive for relationship on an emotional level, on a sharing, heart-to-heart level.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[musical transition] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0And welcome to FamilyLife Today, thanks for joining us on the Wednesday edition.\u00a0 Our host is the president of FamilyLife, Dennis Rainey, who joins us along with his wife, Barbara, today.\u00a0 That was the Rev. Al Green singing \"Let's Stay Together.\"\u00a0 I thought that would be an appropriate way to start today's program, and I think I have got it now.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0You know, this week we've heard the story of Angela and Brian and their fictitious encounter with a marriage counselor and about how different they are romantically and how the counselor helped them see that through use of an experimental drug \u2013 it was all made up.\u00a0 There's no drug.\u00a0 We've had some people call the FamilyLife Resource Center wondering if they could order a couple of vials of that drug.\u00a0 We don't have that drug available, do we?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0And all it did was give a man an understanding of how a woman feels, and it gave a wife an understanding of how her husband views romance.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0It did it in 60 seconds.\u00a0 You just drank the elixir and, all of a sudden, poof!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Bingo.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0You were transformed into being able to view it and, again, we don't have that available in our FamilyLife Resource Center.\u00a0 We have also already heard this week in addition to the fictitious story of Brian and Angela, we've heard the real story of Dennis and Barbara and how you began to realize some of the differences in your remarriage, right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0That's exactly right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0And all of this is found in a book that you've written called \"Rekindling the Romance.\"\u00a0 You wrote it together with your wife, Barbara, who is back with us.\u00a0 Barbara, welcome back to FamilyLife Today.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBarbara:\u00a0Thank you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0And I have to tell you, I was talking to Mary Ann \u2013 back in the spring we celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Congratulations.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Thank you.\u00a0 We were out to dinner that night, and I said what anniversaries do you remember?\u00a0 You know, you think back, you try and do something special on your anniversary.\u00a0 We've had 25 of these, what do you remember?\u00a0 And we could both remember our 10th anniversary where we \u2013 I surprised her, and we got out of town, and we went back to Tulsa where she grew up, and we had a nice dinner at our favorite restaurant, and, you know, it was kind of a fun surprise.\u00a0 We could remember that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0We could remember another one that wasn't so much fun, you know, one that kind of ended like your story about Mexico where we just didn't connect well that night.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0You missed one another.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0We missed one another.\u00a0 And it was interesting to us that out of 25 anniversaries we could remember a good one and a bad one, and the other 23 kind of faded off into the distance without a whole lot of memory about them.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0It just reinforced the reality, again, that we are very different, which is something that your book, \"Rekindling the Romance,\" acknowledges even in the very way it's written.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0You know, Barbara and I tried to write this book to both husbands and wives so that both would understand the other.\u00a0 And instead of writing a single book, we actually wrote two books.\u00a0 There's a section of the book that Barbara writes too women to help them understand their husband's need for romance, and how a husband spells romance, and there's a section for the husbands where I speak directly to them, coaching them about how they can spell \"romance\" to their wives.\u00a0 I really coach them, as I mentioned last week on FamilyLife Today how they can spell \"relationship,\" and how they can build their wives up and encourage them, minister to them, speak to the needs of their wife's soul, and her needs for intimacy and relationship.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And Barbara, in a very different way, speaks to the needs of men.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Barbara, this had to be \u2013 well, it had to be challenging and unique.\u00a0 I mean, you guys have been pretty transparent and pretty honest about what you've learned; about what the Scriptures teach, but about your own experiences, and when it comes to the area of romance and passion and intimacy, I'm sure there were some times you thought, \"Do I really want to tell everybody all of this,\" right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBarbara:\u00a0Exactly.\u00a0 There were plenty of times when I said, \"Do I really want to say this?\"\u00a0 And yet I've realized that not only do we need to share, but we still have a long way to go, too.\u00a0 It's not something that you ever achieve, but the more you can understand one another, the easier it is to meet each other and to have the kind of intimacy we all got married for.\u00a0 Because we got married for intimacy and relationship and to be in love for the rest of our lives, and it takes work to do that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0There's a lot about marriage that turns what is a white-hot burning romance when it starts into just two roommates living with one another.\u00a0 And I don't believe, as I read the Scripture, and especially as I read the Song of Solomon, that God intended a husband and a wife just to be a man and a woman in a marriage relationship just roommates, passionless roommates.\u00a0 I believe that gets boring, and what we've tried to do in the book is to bring some very practical tools alongside busy people, husbands, wives, moms, and dads, to help them sustain romance through every phase of the marriage relationship because your marriage has to be built to outlast the children.\u00a0 There has to be romance to go into those empty nest years where we are right now.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0But you don't develop romance when the children are gone.\u00a0 You have to develop romance at every phase and every stage along the way in the marriage relationship.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0I was doing some premarital preparation with a couple.\u00a0 I'll never forget this \u2013 talking to them about physical intimacy in a marriage relationship.\u00a0 And I spoke to the bride-to-be, and I said to her, \"Your husband is going to have a desire to see you naked.\"\u00a0 And she looked at me, and she said, \"Why?\"\u00a0 That just was the most absurd, foreign idea she'd ever even conceived \u2013 she could not think \u2013 she was hearing me, she was hearing.\u00a0 There's a difference between the two of you in this area, but it didn't make any sense to her.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And I wished, years later, when I heard Dan Allender speaking about this area of physical intimacy in a marriage, he talked about the fact that we're different, and we all were kind of going, \"Okay, we've got the idea that we're different.\"\u00a0 But then he helped us understand that there's a reason for us being different.\u00a0 You've heard this message, right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBarbara:\u00a0Mm-hm.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0But let me just, for our listeners, play a portion of what Dan talked about at one of our Rekindling the Romance conferences.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDan Allender:\u00a0[from audiotape.]\u00a0 There's one way to put it very quickly and clearly \u2013 we are different as men and women, and those differences create tensions \u2013 \"I want sex more often, my wife wants it less, but when she wants it less, she wants higher quality.\u00a0 I simply want quantity.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0What you have to say is \"Who crafted this?\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Who designed it?\u00a0 Who created it?\u00a0 And the answer is, \"A brilliant, wise, gorgeous God who says if you were the same, you would violate one another without ever stepping back and saying, 'You are different.'\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0That is Dr. Dan Allender, and I think the insight there, Barbara, is, yeah, we know we're different, but we're different by design, and it's actually a good thing.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBarbara:\u00a0Which is sometimes hard to swallow, I think, for women.\u00a0 It may be for men, too.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0It is.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBarbara:\u00a0I know, from the woman's perspective, that has been hard to figure.\u00a0 I know a lot of women who have said, \"It just feels like a cruel joke.\u00a0 We're so different\" \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Specifically, what do you mean, what are you saying, \"It's a cruel joke?\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBarbara:\u00a0I think a lot of women feel like it's a trick, you know, that God's just enjoying, which He's not, and it feels almost blasphemous to say that He's enjoying designing us in a way that causes us difficulty, but I think women who don't understand the character of God and don't see God as being good, I think they feel like they have been tricked somehow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Because when we're dating, and when we're engaged and oftentimes even in newlywed days, it's all so easy, and \"my husband, or my fianc\u00e9, is paying attention to me.\u00a0 We spend a lot of time together,\" and the woman wants to respond to that, and she wants to respond sexually, and it's easy in those days.\u00a0 But that's usually before children and pressures and suffering and the difficulties of life.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And so I think when all of that begins to happen, and the easiness of those early days begins to fade, she wonders what happened.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0How has it been a benefit to you to have to stretch in who you are and in understanding who Dennis is, how are you better as a result of that?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBarbara:\u00a0Well, one of the ways that it's good for me is that if we were both like me we would never probably get together because I want to talk things through probably more than I really should, more than I really need to.\u00a0 I have a desire sometimes to resolve things and to talk about everything, when it really can wait.\u00a0 And I need Dennis.\u00a0 I need his greater drive for intimacy and relationship on the intimate level because I don't have that same level, and he needs my greater drive for relationship on an emotional level, on a sharing, heart-to-heart level, because that's not his first instinct.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0So it's been very good for me to have someone who forces me \u2013 not in a bad sense of the word \"force\" \u2013 but his personality and the way he's wired forces me into a kind of relationship with him that I wouldn't have had otherwise.\u00a0 I would have been too content to be who I was and to have it my way if I were married to somebody who was just like me.\u00a0 Does that make sense?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Yeah.\u00a0 Do you think it makes you more whole, more complete?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBarbara:\u00a0Oh, yes, definitely, I do.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0And, Dennis, that's what the Scriptures said marriage was supposed to be about \u2013 completing one another.\u00a0 This is a part of that, isn't it?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0It is, and I was thinking about your question, Bob.\u00a0 What did God have in mind when He made us so different?\u00a0 I think, first of all, He wanted to teach us self-denial.\u00a0 If we're going to be the man that God's called us to be, the husband that truly loves his wife as Paul spoke of in the New Testament, as Christ loved the church, then the only way we're going to be able to do that is by denying ourselves, slowing down, and stopping to consider what her needs are rather than my needs.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0So you're saying a guy should not be in a position where he's saying to his wife, \"These are my needs, you need to meet them, let's go,\" right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Right, and just demanding.\u00a0 That denies the very nature of the relationship \u2013 mutual respect.\u00a0 What are her needs?\u00a0 I think God called me to deny myself.\u00a0 Now, I think He also called my wife to deny herself.\u00a0 And so what you have at that point is you have a husband and a wife who are both learning self-denial.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Now, what makes it tough on a marriage is when you have only one party who is practicing self-denial, and the other person is just purely selfish.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0And what do you do in that situation?\u00a0 I mean, if you feel like, \"Okay, I'm trying to die to self, and my mate, my husband, doesn't have the same unselfishness. He is just demanding.\"\u00a0 How do you respond?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0I think I'd ask my spouse to read this book with me and to dialog about it together, and if they refuse to do that, then I might say, \"let's go talk to someone,\" and if they refused that, I think I would get some personal counsel and some personal coaching about what my game plan is in this marriage for how I am to still be hopeful and how I am to continue on with the long haul in mind.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0It might be that some of those issues could be brought to the surface at one of our Weekend to Remember conferences \u2013 a couple getting away for a couple of days in the context of hearing about how to get your marriage aligned with God's design for marriage and in that environment you may be able to have some of the conversations and bring some of these issues to the surface.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBarbara:\u00a0Well, a weekend away is always a good idea for couples, and going to the Weekend to Remember would be so healthy because you're sitting under some really great teaching so that you're hearing truth about marriage; you're hearing biblical perspectives about relationship, and so you can begin to talk about those, because somebody is bringing up the discussion for you, in a sense, and then during the projects you can go back as a couple and talk through where you are in relation to what you've heard and what you need to work on.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Mm-hm.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0I don't want to characterize this as just a male problem, but there are a lot of men who I believe are still selfish because they have never really heard what Jesus Christ has called them to as a man.\u00a0 They have rejected Christianity based upon something they saw when they were growing up, a caricature of Christianity that wasn't accurate.\u00a0 It was a bunch of do's and don't's.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Well, get him to the Weekend to Remember.\u00a0 Get him there.\u00a0 Promise him a romantic weekend, but get him there under that teaching.\u00a0 There have been literally tens of thousands of men's lives changed by hearing what his job description is, what his assignment is, in a separate meeting from the wife.\u00a0 So he gets the chance to hear what he's supposed to do without his wife looking over his shoulder, and a lot of men, finally, the light goes on, they embrace it, and they wake up.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0And, Barbara, as Dennis said, it's not exclusively a man's problem with a woman oftentimes this whole area of unselfishness in intimacy \u2013 this manifests itself in a different way where a wife is maybe punishing, she's withholding sexual interest from her husband, and she's expressing her own level of selfishness.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBarbara:\u00a0That's correct.\u00a0 And selfishness is universal.\u00a0 We all have it, and we can all exercise selfishness.\u00a0 So it's not strictly the men who have that issue because women really can be selfish, and they can withhold and have certain demands that they place on their men.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0We talked about it last week when Barbara and I spoke to husbands from their half of this book, \"Rekindling the Romance,\" where we talked about their assignment and their responsibility.\u00a0 Well, in doing the research for that half of the book, let me tell you, we asked some men about their wives' responsiveness to them, and did we get an earful.\u00a0 I mean, there are some men who are really angry because they feel like their wives are ignoring them, putting them off, putting them out, and not caring for them.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0But what God's calling a man to do is not be selfish and just get his own needs met, He's calling a man to deny himself and to reach out to his wife, and the Apostle Paul said it best in the Book of Philippians, chapter 2.\u00a0 He said, \"Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit but with humility of mind let each of you regard one another as more important than himself.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0What would happen in a marriage if the wife looked at the husband's need and blessed his need and said, \"That need is more important than mine.\"\u00a0 And what would happen in a marriage if the husband looked at the wife's need and said, \"Your need for a relationship is more important than my need for physical intimacy.\"\u00a0 I think you'd see the benefit of what happens when a person doesn't merely look out for their own personal interest.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0You know, Barbara, that presumes that both of them would be looking with that same perspective, but a wife who is listening today and says, \"Yeah, I've been trying to do that.\u00a0 I've been trying to look at my husband's needs as more important than my own, and he's perfectly content with me continuing to operate in that direction, and I'm not getting any of my own needs met.\u00a0 I'm starting to feel like all I'm good for is to be\" \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBarbara:\u00a0Mm-hm, to take care of him.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Yeah, to take care of his physical needs.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBarbara:\u00a0Mm-hm.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0How would you coach a wife in that setting?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBarbara:\u00a0You know, that's really a tough, tough place to be, because she's not the leader in the relationship, and yet there's some leadership that needs to take place in that marriage, and it needs to come from her husband.\u00a0 So the best thing for her to do, as we said before, is to get him away for a weekend, because so often many of our husbands don't really know what they're supposed to do.\u00a0 They're really operating out of ignorance, and when a husband is operating out of ignorance, he may be doing the best he can, or maybe he thinks that's the way it's supposed to be, and he needs to be re-educated, but he doesn't need you to be the one teaching him.\u00a0 He doesn't need you to leave books on his pillow and tell him what he needs to do and what he's doing wrong.\u00a0 He needs to hear it from another man.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And so \u2013 I know we said this once, but I will say it again \u2013 I think the best thing she can do is get him away to a Weekend to Remember where they can enjoy time together, and he can hear from another man.\u00a0 Because it may just be a lack of understanding of what he's supposed to do.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0And it may be, Dennis, that a guy comes away to a Weekend to Remember and comes back, and he's still kind of in a perpetual state of selfishness, and he doesn't get dislodged from that, he doesn't get shaken out of his complacency.\u00a0 There's nothing wrong with a wife continuing to raise the flag and say, \"Honey, this is who I am, this is what I need.\u00a0 I need you to understand this,\" and she may feel like \"I've had that speech with him 50 times in the last year.\"\u00a0 But some of us are pretty dense, and we may need to hear it the 51st or the 52nd time.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Right.\u00a0 And I would ask that wife \u2013 is she really speaking romance in the language of her husband?\u00a0 Has she really put forth the effort?\u00a0 And she may have, and I'm not trying to play a trick on her at this point, but there are some men that feel like their need for sex and physical intimacy with their wives is wrong.\u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Their wives have made them feel that way.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0It is no more wrong than a woman's need for relationship is.\u00a0 A woman needs a relationship to experience romance.\u00a0 A man needs physical intimacy, generally, to experience romance.\u00a0 And so what you have here, as two people deny themselves, if I've only got the wife who is denying herself and willing to selflessly love her husband, it may be that her love will be ultimately what God uses to turn his heart to God.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Now, are you willing to be that woman?\u00a0 Are you willing to persevere and not grow weary in well doing, and I know, because Barbara and I have talked to these dear wives over the years \u2013 there are a number of them who are in marriages where the husband is not interested in spiritual matters.\u00a0 He doesn't show any inclination, hasn't for years, and may not for another decade.\u00a0 The question is \u2013 can you fulfill God's design? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And if you look at the promise of Philippians, chapter 2, it goes on to say, \"Have this attitude in yourselves, which was also in Christ Jesus,\" and it goes on to talk about how He emptied Himself, and how He suffered.\u00a0 But what was the ultimate outcome?\u00a0 At the name of Jesus, every knee should bow and every tongue should confess that Jesus Christ is Lord to the glory of God the Father.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Your obedience, as a wife, may involved a lot of suffering, but can you look to the end result when perhaps Jesus Christ may say to you, \"Well done, good and faithful servant?\"\u00a0 Enter into the joy of your Master?\u00a0 I'm not trying to offer a cheap spiritual solution to a very hard, harsh reality, but what other solution is there?\u00a0 I don't think divorce is the solution.\u00a0 It's certainly the easiest worldly answer to the problem, but God calls us to march to a different drumbeat.\u00a0 The question is \u2013 will you have this attitude in yourselves, which Jesus Christ also had?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0And one of the things that makes that difficult is that there is a cultural drumbeat that presses us in a different direction.\u00a0 And so if couples are going to march to a different drumbeat, they've got to be listening for the sound of that drumbeat, and I think in your book, \"Rekindling the Romance,\" you have captured the cadence of the Master's drumbeat on this subject, and I want to encourage our listeners to get a copy of the book.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And along with it, let me encourage you to consider getting a copy of the new \"Simply Romantic Nights\" collection.\u00a0 This is volume 2, something our team has put together that has a dozen romantic date ideas for husbands, and a dozen romantic date ideas for wives, and it gives you \u2013 well, some fresh ways to bring romance into your marriage relationship and to do what your book says to do \u2013 rekindle the romance.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0So if our listeners are interested, they can go to our website, FamilyLife.com, and get more information about your book and about the Simply Romantic Nights collection.\u00a0 Again, our website is FamilyLife.com.\u00a0 You can also call us for more information or to order these resources \u2013 1-800-FLTODAY is the number; 1-800-358-6329, that's 1-800-F-as-in-family, L-as-in-life, and then the word TODAY, and when you contact us, someone on our team can get the information necessary so that we can send these resources out to you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Let me also ask you if you would consider making a donation to FamilyLife Today this month.\u00a0 We are listener-supported, which means that the reason we're on in this city today is because folks in this area have helped support the ministry of FamilyLife Today by making a donation in the past, and we want to be able to continue to bring you practical, biblical help for your marriage and your family each day.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0In order to do that, we want to ask listeners if they will help make that possible through a donation to the ministry, and this month when you make a donation of any amount, we would love to send you a couple of CDs that feature a conversation that we had with the authors of a book called \"Intimate Issues.\"\u00a0 A book that features 21 questions women ask about intimacy and romance in their marriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0In fact, we got a note back from a listener who said, \"My husband is really glad I listened to these CDs.\"\u00a0 We would love to send them to you as a way of saying thank you for your financial support of this ministry.\u00a0 If you are making a donation online, and you would like to receive the CDs, just type the word \"intimate\" in the keycode box that you find on the donation form. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0If you call to make your donation, simply mention you'd like the CDs on intimacy, and, again, we're happy to pass them along to you.\u00a0 It's our way of saying thank you for you financial support of the ministry of FamilyLife Today.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Now, tomorrow we want to talk about why this issue is so important and why it really is such a big deal for husbands and wives in a marriage relationship.\u00a0 Dennis and Barbara are going to be back with us tomorrow to talk about that.\u00a0 I hope you'll be back as well.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0I want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team.\u00a0 On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 We'll see you back tomorrow for another edition of FamilyLife Today. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0FamilyLife Today is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas, a ministry of Campus Crusade for Christ.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t______________________________________________________________\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts for you. However, there is a cost to transcribe, create, and produce them for our website. If you've benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright \u00a9 FamilyLife. 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