{"id":301524,"date":"2008-02-05T12:00:00","date_gmt":"2008-02-05T17:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/seeing-romance-through-eyes-your-spouse\/"},"modified":"2008-02-05T12:00:00","modified_gmt":"2008-02-05T17:00:00","slug":"seeing-romance-through-eyes-your-spouse","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/seeing-romance-through-eyes-your-spouse\/","title":{"rendered":"Seeing Romance Through Eyes Your Spouse"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Do men value romance as much as a women?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2008-02-05.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:","filesize":"12.58M","filesize_raw":"13190656","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2088,2862],"tags":[4927,4527,2877],"podcast_series":[7333],"cwp_profile":[3052,3048],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-301524","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-romance-and-sex","category-understanding-differences","tag-challenges","tag-communication","tag-marriage","podcast_series-rekindling-the-romance","cwp_profile-barbara-rainey","cwp_profile-dennis-rainey","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/301524\/seeing-romance-through-eyes-your-spouse","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/301524\/seeing-romance-through-eyes-your-spouse","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"LSScRrMO29\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/seeing-romance-through-eyes-your-spouse\/\">Seeing Romance Through Eyes Your Spouse<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/seeing-romance-through-eyes-your-spouse\/embed\/#?secret=LSScRrMO29\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Seeing Romance Through Eyes Your Spouse&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"LSScRrMO29\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var 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about five years or so in our marriage, we began to experience what we look back and call our \"first season of suffering.\"\u00a0 We had just a lot of really difficult things happen in our marriage.\u00a0 We went from feeling like \"We've got this marriage thing down.\u00a0 We're doing okay.\u00a0 We're different, and that's okay, but we're all right, too.\"\u00a0 At the end of that 12 months feeling like we were strangers.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0This is FamilyLife Today for Tuesday, February 5th.\u00a0 Our host is the president of FamilyLife, Dennis Rainey, and I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 Is it possible to rekindle the romance in your marriage when you're going through a season of suffering?\u00a0 Stay tuned.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And welcome to FamilyLife Today, thanks for joining us on the Tuesday edition.\u00a0 I'm just happy to know that neither of you were involved in taking any experimental drugs in order to gain your insight into romance.\u00a0 That's correct, isn't it?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0That is correct.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBarbara:\u00a0That is correct, yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0But our listeners have no idea why you're talking about experimental drugs.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Well, because earlier this week, already this week, we heard a mythical story about a husband and wife who were having some marriage problems, went to see a marriage counselor; he gave them some experimental drugs, and they \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Again, this is a mythical story \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0It's all fiction, right.\u00a0 They had an opportunity to experience how the other person views romance and to find out that we're pretty different when it comes to this subject.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0I think all you have to do is just take a casual reading of the Song of Solomon to see how a man and a woman, a husband and a wife, view romance differently.\u00a0 She views romance relationally.\u00a0 He views romance around the physical dimension, the sexual dimension of the relationship.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And because we view it differently, we can miss one another in the relationship.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0You've written about this in a book called \"Rekindling the Romance,\" you wrote it together with your wife, Barbara, who joins us in the studio today.\u00a0 Barbara, thanks for being here.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBarbara:\u00a0You're welcome.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Before I ever read the Song of Solomon I began to realize that Mary Ann and I were different in this area of romance.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBarbara:\u00a0So you didn't need the Bible to tell you that?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Well, the Bible confirmed what I was experiencing.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBarbara:\u00a0Okay.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0And all you have to do is be married for a little while, and you start to realize we are different.\u00a0 When do you think that idea really hit you upside the head?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBarbara:\u00a0Hit us upside the head?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Yeah.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0No, you, honey.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBarbara:\u00a0Oh, so you didn't know?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0I probably didn't.\u00a0 You probably got it much earlier than I did.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBarbara:\u00a0Well, I think that we began to see that difference, at least in the first year or two, but I don't think it was black and white.\u00a0 I don't think I saw it as starkly contrasting as it is until a few years down the road, because I was highly motivated as a new wife, and I was going to do everything right, and so I was really working hard at our relationship. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0So it was a couple of years into the marriage, several years into the marriage, before I really got whacked \"upside the head,\" as you put it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Was there an event that whacked you?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBarbara:\u00a0Yes, there were a series of things that happened in our relationship after we had been married about five years.\u00a0 We began to experience what we look back on and call our \"first season of suffering.\"\u00a0 We had medical issues with one of our kids and with myself; we had financial issues with not getting enough in our paycheck a couple of months; Dennis's father died \u2013 just a lot of really difficult, traumatic, life-altering kinds of things happened in our marriage, all within a 12-month period.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And we went from feeling like \"We've got this marriage thing down.\u00a0 We're doing okay, you know, we're different, that's okay, but we're all right, too.\"\u00a0 At the end of that 12 months feeling like we were strangers.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0I remember feeling really alone and sort of lost because we'd had so many things happen in our relationship that year, in our marriage, and we had so little time to process it and to communicate about it.\u00a0 And add to the fact that we were both really young and didn't know what we were doing, that I think it would have been difficult even if we'd had lots of time to process for us to really understand what we were feeling, because we were young and inexperienced.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0It's a lot easier to have a romantic marriage when you've got a lot of time to walk hand-in-hand around the block.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBarbara:\u00a0Exactly. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0When you're fighting fires, one in one direction, another in another direction, you get pulled apart, don't you?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBarbara:\u00a0Exactly.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0You do, and when you're marriage is taking place as ours was, in the midst of a storm, I mean, it was one line of thunderstorms right after another, and I recall, at a point when Barbara nearly died because of a heart problem that she had, actually, beginning to realize, as a man, we were processing life differently; processing suffering differently.\u00a0 I mean, I had not been the one who had nearly died.\u00a0 She'd been the one who had been raced to the hospital with her heart beating 300 beats a minute, and lay there alone in a coronary care unit for nearly eight hours.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0In the 30 days that came after that, I just recall I did feel like we were two separate people processing life very, very differently \u2013 male and female.\u00a0 And it's a part of what attracted us to one another, but if you're not careful, it can be the very thing that repels you from one another.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And so there was no romance to rekindle.\u00a0 It was about hanging on to one another and to our God together and, frankly, I don't know how a person who is not a follower of Jesus Christ, who doesn't believe the Bible and has some interpretation of that, which comes at him or her.\u00a0 How else can you interpret it if you don't have a God who you look to to give you peace, guidance, comfort, and direction as you go through life together.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Barbara, I can see how stress and pressure and life circumstances can derail a relationship romantically for a period of time.\u00a0 How did it point out to you that you and Dennis were on different pages when it comes to romance?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBarbara:\u00a0Well, for us, we really discovered how different we were romantically when we were invited to go on a trip to Mazatlan, Mexico, with some friends about three months after I had had my heart episode.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And we thought, \"This is going to be a great getaway, we really need the time away.\"\u00a0 We found someone to keep our two kids \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0You could rekindle the romance, right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBarbara:\u00a0Yes, and we took off on a plane, and it just felt like, \"This will do it.\u00a0 This will be okay and\" \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Leave our problems behind, get some \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBarbara:\u00a0And we both felt a sense of hope, I think, as we flew off into the sunset; that the difference in circumstances, the difference in location, was going to be enough to spark what we had had before.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0So we got there, and I think the very first day we \u2013 I think we got there late at night, put our stuff in the hotel room, went to bed, slept in the next day, got up and did sightseeing with this other couple, just hung out on the beach.\u00a0 But we were with somebody else, so we didn't have a lot of time, as I remember, to actually talk and connect, just the two of us, that day, which, for me, is really, really important.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Let me ask Dennis \u2013 do you have memories of that first night and that first day?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Well, I don't have a lot of specific memories, but I do know kind of how it started.\u00a0 I mean, we started out exhausted, and so there was an opportunity to sleep in and kind of recharge our batteries, but like Barbara was talking about, she didn't need us to be with another couple.\u00a0 She needed time with me, and she just needed to talk.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Well, as a man, there's where I first missed her, because, hey, you know, we're together with another couple, we're in a romantic place, I mean \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBarbara:\u00a0What more do you need?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0That's right.\u00a0 We'll have dinner together tonight.\u00a0 We'll talk, and it will be okay.\u00a0 But for a woman, the experience of romance is not about just a one-hour block or two-hour event at the end of the day.\u00a0 It's about the whole day.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0And I'm guessing that you were thinking romantic location at the beach \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Oh, my goodness, I mean, it was spectacular.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBarbara:\u00a0He thought it was a piece of cake because of the location of where we were, and we were removed from the stress of life.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Removed from the kids, I mean, that's how you spell romance.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0And you were probably thinking, \"We'll have a romantic dinner together\" \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Which we did.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0\u2026 but that wasn't really what you were focused on, was it \u2013 the romantic dinner together?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Well, of course, Bob.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBarbara:\u00a0Are you telling the truth?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0I've got him hooked up to a lie detector \u2013 look at what the needle is doing right there.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0So do you remember \u2013 did you have a nice dinner.\u00a0 Did you talk?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBarbara:\u00a0We had a nice dinner with our friends, and we really did have a good time, and we even did some dancing, and it was \u2013 you know, the weather was perfect, and the breeze was blowing off the beach, and there was this little band playing music.\u00a0 I mean, it really was movie-like in supplying the ingredients that we all think need to be there to have romance.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Mm-hm.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBarbara:\u00a0The difference is that I was still needing to connect emotionally.\u00a0 I wanted to talk, I wanted to feel like we could connect, and that he could hear what I was feeling, because for the last two or three months, since I'd been in the hospital, I had been battling fears every day for those last three months, of whether or not I was going to wake up and my heart was going to race again or I was going to die.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0I mean, I just didn't know, and there was so much unknown, there was so much emotional turmoil that I had been living with for three months, that we'd talked about a little bit but because we had kids around us, and he had his job, we just kind of touched the top of the wave, so to speak, in talking about all that we had been through in the last 12 months.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0So I was looking for time to get down in the valleys of those waves and talk about all the things and for him to hear me say some of the things that I needed to say.\u00a0 I wasn't even sure what they all were, either, to tell you the truth.\u00a0 But I knew that couldn't happen in an hour.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0You just wanted some time with your best friend \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBarbara:\u00a0Exactly.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0To kind of go through everything you were feeling.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBarbara:\u00a0Exactly.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0And, meanwhile, here I am, taking a look at the waves, I'm going \"Let's surf.\"\u00a0 Let's get out the surfboard.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Snorkle, scuba \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Wax it up, and let's have some fun, you know?\u00a0 So we're down on the beach, and the moon is going down, it was magnificent.\u00a0 I do remember this.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBarbara:\u00a0I do, too.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0The evening \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBarbara:\u00a0It was beautiful.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0It was just \u2013 it was the stuff, like Barbara said, that movies are made of.\u00a0 I mean, there were palm trees, there was a gentle, warm, delightful breeze, there were no insects.\u00a0 I mean, just candlelight, and a dinner right there on the ocean.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0A perfect night.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0You could hear the waves crashing, I mean, listen, you can hear them even right now.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[waves crashing, seagulls screeching]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Yes.\u00a0 Cut the sound effects, all right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0And so, you know, you end the evening and, as a man views it \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0It's the perfect night to get back to the room and \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0He has supplied the ingredients for his bride.\u00a0 I mean, this is like, in volleyball terms, the set to a spike.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0So what happened?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBarbara:\u00a0Well, we got back to the room, and I knew enough, having been married five years, I knew enough to know that my husband wanted to make love, and I knew that we needed to.\u00a0 Deep down inside, I knew this was \u2013 that we did, and we needed to connect again.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0But what I didn't realize is how difficult that was going to be, because I still, even though we'd had all those \u2013 all the wonderful ingredients that Hollywood says you need to have to have romance, even though all of that had been present, I still didn't feel connected to him on an emotional level.\u00a0 And what I learned is that \u2013 in hindsight, what I learned, is that I need to feel connected with him and to feel a sense of intimacy before I engage in physical intercourse, whereas he engages in physical intercourse to get that intimacy.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And so we're both just coming at the same need, which is intimacy in a marriage, we're just coming at it from opposite directions.\u00a0 So that night in the hotel room, even though I knew that that was what he needed and what we needed, I didn't need it yet.\u00a0 I still wanted to have the time to talk and connect and relate and interact, and then I was assuming that we would.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And he didn't understand that about me, and so he began to initiate making love, and I just \u2013 I just couldn't do it.\u00a0 I couldn't respond.\u00a0 I tried, I wanted to, I was motivated in my heart because I knew it was the right thing to do, and I wanted to encourage him, but I just couldn't get there.\u00a0 It was like I was two-dimensional.\u00a0 Part of me wanted to be there, but part of me couldn't get there, and I didn't know how to reconcile the two.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Barbara was still in the storm.\u00a0 And so \u2013 if she doesn't have that shelter and doesn't feel like her husband is in that shelter with her, she's still in the storm.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0After a day of sightseeing and a nice dinner with friends and a romantic walk on the beach, were you thinking about the financial pressures of the last 12 months?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0You know the answer to that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Were you thinking about Barbara's health?\u00a0 Were you thinking about the kids?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0You know the answer to that, too.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0That was all the farthest thing from your mind.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Absolutely.\u00a0 I mean, as a man, you're looking back on the ingredients, and you're thinking, \"Hey, good job.\"\u00a0 You still have it in you, you know?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0You had tucked all of that away \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0But all of those real issues from the last 12 months \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0They're still there.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0You just kind of sealed them off for a while.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0They're still there, that's right, you know, it's kind of like moving from the storm and the Weather Channel, and you flip it onto the Romance Channel.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBarbara:\u00a0Oooh, that's a good analogy \u2013 and it's so true.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0But it's not that you can't get back to the Weather Channel in the storm, you can.\u00a0 But, you know, as a man, you've used the channel surfer, and you've moved on.\u00a0 Now, for a woman \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Barbara's watching the Romance Channel with you, but she's thinking \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0It's hardwired \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0What's going on on the Weather Channel?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBarbara:\u00a0That's right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0I didn't see the end of it, and there may still be a storm going on.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBarbara:\u00a0The storm's not over.\u00a0 It's not over, yeah.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0When Jesus wanted to get the attention of a group of people, He used the word \"woe.\"\u00a0 Woe to the scribes and Pharisees, and He called them to account.\u00a0 Well, in this case, woe to the man who has channel surfed away from the storm to the romance channel and ignored the needs of his wife.\u00a0 And woe to that man who does it repeatedly, because that man is going to miss his wife, and it's going to damage her soul.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBarbara:\u00a0And I think, for the wives, it's woe to the wife who does not pay attention to her husband's need for sexual affirmation, because she will leave him vulnerable to having someone else meet that need.\u00a0 So I think there is a corresponding woe for wives, because it's very important to a husband, and she needs to pay attention to that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0But let me take you back to the hotel room.\u00a0 Is there anything you could have done differently that night?\u00a0 I mean, you're still on the Weather Channel, and, yeah, you've been watching the Romance Channel for a while, but you're still thinking about the storms.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0I can answer that for her \u2013 no.\u00a0 There really wasn't anything she could have done.\u00a0 I mean, you don't \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBarbara:\u00a0Except that looking back on it now, I might say, knowing what I know now, I might have said, \"Dennis, I need to talk first.\"\u00a0 But, see, I don't think I understand that about myself then.\u00a0 I think I thought I should have been able to switch channels like he switched channels.\u00a0 I didn't understand how different we really were.\u00a0 I knew we were different but, really, I didn't realize it was that radically different, and so I didn't know enough to be able to say that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0But that assumes that after you had said that, that your husband was selfless enough and had enough understanding to have been able to have said, \"Okay, let's go out on the balcony, and let's talk.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0If she'd said, \"Dennis\" \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0That wasn't who she was married to at that time.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0If she'd said, \"Dennis, I need to talk,\" that evening \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0I'm not sure I would have heard her.\u00a0 I was \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBarbara:\u00a0Oh, I don't know, I think you might have.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Perhaps, but I know how the evening ended at that point.\u00a0 It ended with me getting angry and picking up a bottle of hand lotion and throwing it through a window.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBarbara:\u00a0Well, you threw it across the room, and it just happened to hit a window.\u00a0 You weren't aiming for the window.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0And it wasn't a big window.\u00a0 Some of our listeners are picturing huge windows.\u00a0 It was just a little \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBarbara:\u00a0It was a little pane of glass.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0A little narrow windowpane.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBarbara:\u00a0One of those windows that roll open with a little pane.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0But it shattered it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBarbara:\u00a0Mm-hm, it did.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0And I do remember now, thinking back to that moment, it shattered a lot of things.\u00a0 At that point, I was faced with the cold, harsh reality of my selfishness, and for any marriage to go deep and for any marriage to grow in intimacy, both husband and wife have to come to grips with their own selfishness and begin to deal with it, face it, confess it to one another and, yes, the biblical word, \"repent,\" of it and ask your spouse to forgive you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0I know how that evening ended.\u00a0 It ended with the shattering of glass and the shattering of wills, and it ended with me confessing to Barbara my selfishness and asking her to forgive me.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBarbara:\u00a0And, if I remember right, and I think I did, I'm sure that I asked you to forgive me, too, because I knew that even though I knew I wanted to talk, and even though I knew I need to connect, I also knew that I was selfish, and I knew that part of my inability to respond to you in that time together was because I wanted what I wanted first, and I wanted to be understood first.\u00a0 And so it was a real moment of humility for both of us in our relationship.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Because you had that time of asking for one another's forgiveness, was that enough to turn around this romantic vacation getaway and make the rest of the time together what you wanted it to be?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBarbara:\u00a0It did turn it around, and the reason it turned it around is because we both came face-to-face with our own selfishness and how difficult it is to make a marriage work on our own.\u00a0 And even though we were acknowledging Christ as Savior and Lord of our lives, even in that moment, we still were reminded again how dependent we need to be on Him to work this out in our relationship.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And because of that, it was a moment of transparency for both of us, and it was a moment of forgiveness, and it was a moment of being reminded that we're both needy people, and we need Jesus to work in our lives and to make our marriage what He wants it to be; that we can't do it on our own.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0The understanding of this issue of selfishness is really foundational to beginning to recapture and rekindle romance, isn't it?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Bob, this book is actually two books in one.\u00a0 It's a book to the men, as we talked about last week, giving them their assignment and their responsibility to speak romance to their wives, and it's also another book that Barbara has written to the wives to know how to best speak romance to their husbands.\u00a0 Why?\u00a0 Because we're different, we're opposite, and because we're opposite, we need coaching to get us beyond our selfishness to self-denial to begin to speak romance and the language of the other person.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Now, if you're married for 10 years, and you've been speaking romance in the language that makes sense to you, you may have been missing your spouse all those years.\u00a0 And so what is marriage but two people who are opposite, who are in a covenant relationship, committed for a lifetime to love one another, to become students of one another so at the end of their lives they can say, \"You know what?\u00a0 We found the ways to rekindle the romance in our marriage.\u00a0 We kept romance alive.\u00a0 We didn't let the fires go out, no matter how fierce the storm, no matter how many times we've hurt one another, we found a way to keep the embers glowing and burning.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Mm-hm.\u00a0 And, you know, there's nothing wrong with a couple saying, \"We're at a point in our relationship where we could use a little help in this area.\u00a0 Things have gotten a little chilly, and that's not what we want.\u00a0 We want to be together on this.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And if they get a copy of your book, \"Rekindling the Romance,\" that's one of the things that they can get that can help them in this area.\u00a0 Our team has put together volume 2 of something we call the \"Simply Romantic Nights\" collection.\u00a0 It's a year's worth of romance in a box with a dozen date night ideas for a husband to pull off to surprise his wife and have a romantic evening together with her, and a dozen date night ideas for a wife to do the same for her husband.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0So once a month the two of you can connect in some special romantic activity and see if you can toss another log on the fire and rekindle the romance in your marriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0You can go to our website, FamilyLife.com, and if you look on the right side of the home page, you'll see a box that says \"Today's Broadcast.\"\u00a0 If you click on that box, it will take you to an area of the site where there is more information about these resources that are available from us here today at FamilyLife.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0The book, \"Rekindling the Romance,\" by Dennis and Barbara Rainey, the \"Simply Romantic Nights\" collection, volume 2, brand-new from us here at FamilyLife and, again, all the details are on our website at FamilyLife.com. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0You can also call 1-800-FLTODAY, that's 1-800-358-6329, and someone on our team will make arrangements to have these resources sent out to you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And then if you can help support the ministry of FamilyLife Today this month with a donation of any amount, there are two CDs we'd like to send you as a thank you gift.\u00a0 These feature a conversation we had a while back, Dennis, with the authors of a book called \"Intimate Issues \u2013 21 Questions Women Ask About Romance and Intimacy in Marriage.\"\u00a0 The authors are Linda Dillow and Lorraine Pintus, and these two CDs are a great tool for women to help them think differently, think biblically about this subject of romance in marriage, and it answers a lot of the questions that our listeners have posed to us over the years about this issue.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0So we'd love to send these two CDs out to you as our way of saying thank you for your financial support of FamilyLife Today.\u00a0 We are listener-supported, and we depend on that financial support to be able to continue this ministry.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0If you're making your donation online, and you'd like to get the CDs, when you come to the keycode box, just type in the word \"intimate,\" and we'll know to send you the CDs.\u00a0 Or call 1-800-FLTODAY.\u00a0 You can make a donation over the phone and just mention that you'd like the CDs that you heard us talking about on the radio and, again, we're happy to send them out to you as our way of saying thank you for your financial support of the ministry of FamilyLife Today.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Well, tomorrow we want to talk about the challenges that can exist in a marriage relationship when there are different interests, different desires in the area of romance and intimacy.\u00a0 We're going to talk about that tomorrow.\u00a0 I hope you can be back with us for that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0I want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team.\u00a0 On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 We'll see you tomorrow for another edition of FamilyLife Today. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0FamilyLife Today is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas, a ministry of Campus Crusade for Christ.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t________________________________________________________________\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts for you. However, there is a cost to transcribe, create, and produce them for our website. If you've benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright \u00a9 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>www.FamilyLife.com<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>","theme_header_position":"","post_header_is_sticky":"","is_header_overlay":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast\/301524","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/podcast"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/91"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=301524"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/294104"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=301524"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=301524"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=301524"},{"taxonomy":"podcast_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast_series?post=301524"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=301524"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=301524"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}