{"id":301510,"date":"2008-01-21T12:00:00","date_gmt":"2008-01-21T17:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/understanding-anger\/"},"modified":"2008-01-21T12:00:00","modified_gmt":"2008-01-21T17:00:00","slug":"understanding-anger","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/understanding-anger\/","title":{"rendered":"Understanding Anger"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>What should you do about your teen&#8217;s anger?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2008-01-21.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:","filesize":"13.43M","filesize_raw":"14082936","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2841,2855],"tags":[2990,2588],"podcast_series":[7563],"cwp_profile":[3226],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-301510","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-anger-and-rebellion","category-teens","tag-anger","tag-teens","podcast_series-the-heart-of-anger-for-teens","cwp_profile-lou-priolo","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/301510\/understanding-anger","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/301510\/understanding-anger","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"1JzDcAMpz9\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/understanding-anger\/\">Understanding Anger<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/understanding-anger\/embed\/#?secret=1JzDcAMpz9\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Understanding Anger&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"1JzDcAMpz9\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var 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with an angry teenager recently?\u00a0 Now, ask yourself, is it possible, just maybe, that you did something to provoke your child to anger?\u00a0 Here is Lou Priolo.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLou:\u00a0It could very well be that Mom and Dad are provoking them to anger by their sinful behavior, or it could very well be that the parents are not sinning, they are not doing anything wrong, and the reason they're angry is because there is something they want, and they want it so much that they're willing to sin because Mom and Dad kept them from having what they wanted.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0This is FamilyLife Today for Monday, January 21st.\u00a0 Our host is the president of FamilyLife, Dennis Rainey, and I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 If you want to get to the heart of the issue with your teenager's anger, you may have to look at your own heart first.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And welcome to FamilyLife Today, thanks for joining us.\u00a0 You know, we've talked on our program before about the subject of anger in the family, whether it's children who are angry or husbands who are angry or wives who are angry \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0\u2026 or parents that are angry \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0\u2026 at their kids or at each other, yeah, this seems to be an issue that a lot of families are dealing with, and when we've had Lou Priolo on to talk about it, we've had a lot of listeners who have responded to what he's had to say.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0We have, and I think it's because he's touching a nerve that is located in the heart of the church.\u00a0 I think the Christian community and the listeners to this broadcast experience anger on a regular basis.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0In fact, I think it may be one of the \u2013 well, it may be the least talked about but most experienced emotion of any that we experience \u2013 anger.\u00a0 And I don't think we know how to handle it biblically, and I think we need some help to be able to do that, and so we invited Lou to come back and join us.\u00a0 Lou, welcome back to the broadcast.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLou:\u00a0Thank you.\u00a0 It's a pleasure to be here.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0He has written a book that is targeting teens.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Now, and I want to as at the beginning \u2013 do you think that's because teens are more angry than other people?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLou:\u00a0Not necessarily, except that if they haven't gotten control over their anger problem by the time they're teenagers, then they probably need some direct help, and this book was written specifically for the teenager to read along with his parents; plus the fact that there's only a few more years left before they leave the home, so this is really the time to get serious about helping them overcome their problem with anger.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Well, the book is \"Getting a Grip \u2013 The Heart of Anger, a Handbook for Teens,\" and, Lou, of course, has written this out of his vast experience as a counselor.\u00a0 He words at Eastwood Presbyterian Church in Montgomery, Alabama, as the director of the Center for Biblical Counseling.\u00a0 He is the author of a number of other books; one, in fact, about anger.\u00a0 He is a speaker and sought after just a wise man in a number of areas within the Christian community.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And I just have to ask you, Lou, why did you write this book in the first place?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLou:\u00a0Well, it's an interesting story.\u00a0 I was sitting at the book table of a home educators' convention somewhere in Utah, it was somewhere in one of the Mountain Standard time zones, and these two sisters come up to me, and they said to me, \"Lou, we read your book, 'The Heart of Anger,' and we really enjoyed it.\u00a0\u00a0 And I looked at them, and I said, 'You enjoyed it?'\"\u00a0 People don't usually use the word \"enjoy\" to describe their experience in reading that book.\u00a0 They said, \"We really did, but we were wondering, have you ever thought about writing a book for teenagers?\"\u00a0 And it was like lightning out of the blue.\u00a0 I had never thought of that before but as soon as they said that I realized that was a real need.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0So I said, \"No, that's a marvelous idea.\u00a0 I will pray about.\"\u00a0 It didn't take very long before I realized, you know, that this was something that needed to be done.\u00a0 So I pitched it to the publisher, and they gave me the green light, and we went ahead and wrote it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0And, again, I think even with their suggestion about writing a book for teens, this does seem like something that, for whatever reason, teens aren't sure how yet to deal with the emotion that gets stirred up inside of them.\u00a0 Grownups may have found a way to either cover it up or mask it or at least control it if not deal with it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0But teenagers don't have the impulse control yet.\u00a0 They're just kind of letting it out and parents aren't sure what to do.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLou:\u00a0And especially if they are from homes where the parents don't know what to do.\u00a0 I mean, it's hard enough sometimes being a teen in today's culture, being frustrated when you have Mom and Dad modeling the right way to handle anger.\u00a0 But when your Mom and Dad struggle with it, and they model sinful anger, then it's doubly difficult to know how to respond the right way.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Now, you just modified anger with the modifier \"sinful.\"\u00a0 Is there a difference between anger and sinful anger?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLou:\u00a0Yes, there is such a thing.\u00a0 It's rare, but there is such a thing as righteous anger or holy passion.\u00a0 God is angry at the wicked.\u00a0 Every day Jesus looked at \u2013 it describes in the Pharisees \u2013 \"in anger\" the Bible says.\u00a0 Actually, in Ephesians 4 there is a command to be angry.\u00a0 You're familiar with the verse \u2013 it says, \"Be angry and do not sin.\"\u00a0 Well, it's an imperative in the Greek so, arguably, there are times in our lives when we are sinning when we don't get angry.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0But the problem is the overwhelming majority of the 500-plus times the word \"anger\" or the concept of anger is described in the Bible, it is sinful anger.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Give us a working definition of what anger is.\u00a0 I think most of us, as human beings, know anger when we see it.\u00a0 We know it sometimes when we feel it and experience it, but a lot of times I think we're experiencing it, and we're totally out of touch.\u00a0 What is anger?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLou:\u00a0The definition I like the most goes something like this \u2013 anger is an emotion given to us by God for the purpose of attacking or destroying something.\u00a0 You know, when we get angry, our adrenal glands pump adrenalin into our system, and so at that point it's partly biological, and we are poised, you've heard it said, the \"fight or the flight syndrome.\"\u00a0 We are poised either to fight, to attack the problem \u2013 sometimes we attack the other person, or sometimes we run.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0But the fact of the matter is, God wants us to learn how to control that energy under the power of the spirit and to point it in the right direction.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0And you mentioned that anger was given to us for the purpose of \u2013 what was that again?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLou:\u00a0Attacking or destroying something.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Attacking or destroying something \u2013 there's a lot of moms of teenagers who know exactly what you're saying at this point.\u00a0 They are the object of the attack.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0But God didn't give their teenager anger so that the teenager would attack or destroy furniture or a room or a relationship, right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLou:\u00a0Right.\u00a0 Whenever there is a problem in our lives, there is always a tendency for us to become angry.\u00a0 And there are two sinful manifestations of anger \u2013 two extremes, I guess, we could say, that people tend to go to when they're angry.\u00a0 Some people, when they become angry, they keep it all inside.\u00a0 They internalize their anger.\u00a0 We use the more theologically accurate term \u2013 we say that they \"clam up.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Well, when you keep anger inside who are you destroying with that anger?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0You.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLou:\u00a0Yeah, you may hurt the other person, too, but, to a large extent, that anger is inside, and you are being destroyed with it.\u00a0 When you go to the other extreme, and ventilate that anger, you're blowing up, and then you're actually attacking someone else.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0So it's sort of like you have this dart.\u00a0 You're angry, and you've got this dart in your hand, and you can either swallow the dart and hurt yourself, or you can throw the dart at the other person and hurt the other person, but that's not why God gave you the dart.\u00a0 He gave you the dart so that you can throw the dart at the problem.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0You know, we consider and have a conversation like this as three mature adult men who understand the Scriptures and who \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0\u2013 who, at the moment, are under control.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0That's right.\u00a0 But when you sit down with an angry 13-year-old, and you start talking about the darts and about righteous anger and about \u2013 all that 13-year-old knows, typically, is \"I'm just mad.\u00a0 I'm angry, and I don't like the way I'm being treated, and I'm hurt, and I don't want people to treat me this way.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0So how do you handle a 13-year-old or, let's say a mom and a 13-year-old come in and say, \"Lou\" \u2013 here's the mom \u2013 \"Lou, I don't know what to do.\u00a0 She loses her temper, she mouths off, she's started using profanity.\u00a0 She's started cursing at her father and at me.\u00a0 She's out of control, and I don't know what to do.\u00a0 What do we do?\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLou:\u00a0Well, I think the first thing you have to do is realize that most teenagers understand that they're angry \u2013 maybe not to the degree to which they're angry, but they understand that they've got an issue with anger even though, as I said, it might be somewhat minimized in their lives but, more importantly, most of them know that they are already suffering the consequences of their anger.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And so what I'm trying to say is that in many of them, I daresay, in most of them, there is a part of them that really wants to learn how to get it under control, because they know that they're suffering consequences.\u00a0 Maybe it's just in the home right now, or maybe it's started to bleed over into their other relationships.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0So I think the first thing to do is to try to help them understand that there is a problem with anger and that there are consequences for that anger.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0But don't you think that a teenager is thinking, \"Well, I know what the problem is.\u00a0 I know why I'm angry.\u00a0 It's my mom, it's my dad, it's the unreasonable stuff.\u00a0 If I was living outside the house, if I was living at Sally's house\"\u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0\"If I had freedom\"\u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Yeah, \"I wouldn't be angry.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLou:\u00a0And that's why it's so important for parents to teach their teens and their younger children the difference between righteous anger and sinful anger.\u00a0 It could very well be that Mom and Dad are provoking them to anger by their sinful behavior, or it could very well be that the parents are not sinning, they are not doing anything wrong, and the reason they're angry is because there is something they want, and they want it so much that they are willing to sin because Mom and Dad kept them from having what they wanted.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0So you're saying the teenager may be inappropriately expressing what is legitimate, or righteous, anger because Mom and Dad are messing up as parents?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLou:\u00a0I'm saying before the teenager decides what he's going to do, how he's going to express his anger, he's got to make sure that it's the right kind of anger not the wrong kind of anger.\u00a0 In other words, he's got to be sure that he's angry because someone has sinned against him not because someone has not given him what he wants. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0I mean, that's really the difference between righteous anger and sinful anger.\u00a0 Sinful anger is the result of our not getting what we want.\u00a0 Righteous anger is the result of God not getting what He wants.\u00a0 In other words, when somebody sins, and we become angry, then, chances are, that's the right kind of anger. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0But when we get angry simply because no one has sinned but we're not getting what we want then, chances are, that is a sinful kind of anger.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0And I'm guessing that 99.79 percent of teenage anger is unrighteous, it's sinful anger, it's \"I'm not getting what I want, and Mom and Dad are the problem, as I see it, because they're not giving me what I want.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLou:\u00a0Certainly a high percentage is, but then there's the other side of the coin that does say that moms and dads often do provoke their children to anger by the things that they do and that they don't do.\u00a0 In the original book, I identify 25 ways parents typically provoke their children to anger.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Yeah, I hated that part of the book, by the way.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0I did, too.\u00a0 I do want to go to the 99 percent, which I think is an inappropriate use of anger back at the parents either to lash out or to go their room and completely withdraw.\u00a0 Where does a parent begin when he sees his son, his little boy, who he used to have these golden moments with, or his daughter who was his princess, who was always looking forward to him coming home; now, all of a sudden, there is this distance, and it's a growing distance because there is this emotion that is fueling the chasm between them.\u00a0 Where does a parent start?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLou:\u00a0I still maintain, Dennis, that the best place to start is for the parents to sit the child down and to ask the child to explain to him how he, the parent, has sinned against the child.\u00a0 In other words, I still think the best way for a parent to approach this is to be willing, first, to get the beam out of his own eye.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0\"You seem to be very angry at me, in fact, it seems to go beyond anger, it seems like you're bitter at me, that you're holding a grudge against me, and I want to know how have I sinned against you?\"\u00a0 You might even want to as him, \"Of all the ways that I've hurt you over the years that you've not been able to get over, what are the top three?\u00a0 Tell me how I've hurt you?\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And, at that point, the teen can't say, \"Well, you hurt me because you didn't buy me the Jaguar that I wanted for my birthday.\"\u00a0 I mean, it's got to be a viable sin.\u00a0 It's got to be something that the teen can even say, \"Mom, Dad, look, even in the Bible you shouldn't be doing this.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And, arguably, the Bible says that the wisdom from above is reasonable.\u00a0 So, you know, a teenager really ought to have some sense that he's got a fighting chance, once in a while at least, to change his parents' minds.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0And what I might add to that, Lou, is I would give your teenager a little time to sort through the list.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLou:\u00a0Exactly.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0As human beings, we all process at different speeds.\u00a0 I can see how a real quick-thinking child might be able to nail that, but a child who has difficulty sorting through his or her own emotions and may have a slower processor in terms of how they handle things, may need a day.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLou:\u00a0Sure.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Say, \"Tomorrow night after dinner we're going to sit down and talk, and we're going to ask the question 'How has Mom offended you, disappointed you, and how has Dad disappointed you?'\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0But, you know, here is what I'm expecting you would be likely to hear from most teenagers \u2013 \"You have sinned against me,\" or \"You have disappointed me,\" or \"You've offended me because I can't go out until midnight on Friday nights like my friends can.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Well, I can give you an illustration of that, Bob.\u00a0 It's the \"caged bird\" story.\u00a0 I mean, I had a daughter who kept wanting to be free, and she just completely pounded on us, as parents, saying, \"You're too tight.\u00a0 You have too many restrictions.\u00a0 I can't do anything right.\"\u00a0 And ultimately her canary got away from the cage and flew away and ultimately died, and I made the point with her, ultimately, that God has us within a protective environment because we don't know what's best for us.\u00a0 We don't know what's out there.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And almost all of our children did exactly what you're talking about, Bob \u2013 they pressed the limits.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0And most teenagers are frustrated because they do want more autonomy than most of us, as parents, think they're ready for.\u00a0 So they express that in anger.\u00a0 When we say \"No, here's a restriction, here's a boundary,\" and they go, \"Well, that's not biblical.\u00a0 There's nothing in the Bible that says that's right, and why can't you parents be more reasonable and let me have more of my way?\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLou:\u00a0Well, typically, I'll respond to that something like this \u2013 \"Sweetheart, freedom comes by trust.\u00a0 The more you demonstrate to Mom and Dad that you can be trusted, the more freedom you'll have.\u00a0 So it really is a matter of your teaching us that you'll make wise decision after wise decision after wise decision with relatively few foolish decisions, and as we see you learn how to make those decisions, then we will give you more freedom.\u00a0 But to the extent that we see you make more foolish decisions than wise decisions, then we're not going to be able, in good conscience, to give you that freedom.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Look, we've got two choices.\u00a0 Either we're going to say, \"Go for it.\u00a0 We want you to succeed, we know that you're able to do this, we trust you,\" or we're going to say, \"Whoa, whoa, whoa, not so fast.\u00a0 Either we're going to push you to do good, or you're going to force us, by your immaturity, to have to control you and keep you back from the freedom that you want until you first demonstrate to us that you are able to handle that freedom.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0But the teenager says back to you, Dad, \"I don't like your boundaries.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLou:\u00a0\"Well, sweetie, they're not my boundaries, they're God's boundaries.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0\"But this curfew, midnight, where is that God's boundaries?\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0\"All my friends, even my Christian friends, can stay out until much later than you say I can stay out.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLou:\u00a0\"Well, sweetheart, why God gave you the frumpy old curmudgeony parents that He did, who have got these legalistic rules, I don't know, but the bottom line is God has given them to us, and if you have any hope of getting us to rethink our position on any of these things, doing it in this disrespectful manner is not going to get you there.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Okay, and at that point, the teen stands up, gets into a shouting match, and storms out of the room, slams the door, rattles all the walls in the house, what are you going to do, Dad?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLou:\u00a0In some form or fashion, you're going to, without gloating, let the child that he's made your case for him; that he's acting more like a child than like an adult.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Okay, but when would you do that?\u00a0 Would you go into the room and do that?\u00a0 Would you wait until he or she simmers down a bit?\u00a0 How would you handle it?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLou:\u00a0Yeah, that's a judgment call.\u00a0 Probably I would give them some time to simmer down, and then I would go back and try to talk to him first about the way he responded, the sinfully angry and disrespectful way that he or she responded, and then I would go back and help him see from the Scriptures that the reason he was so angry is because he was displeased with the authority that God has placed over him.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Can you think of the angriest, most disruptive teenager you've seen come into your office with Mom and Dad, and were you able, through a process, to get that teenager to confront their anger, or does some of this just play out, over time?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLou:\u00a0I think the thing we have to keep in mind is that God is sovereign.\u00a0 So, yes, we have seen teenagers relatively quickly learn how to control their anger, and we've seen teenagers not learn initially, and then, years later, come back and get things straightened out.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Years later?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLou:\u00a0Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0So it could be that parents are in for a long ride with an angry teen?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLou:\u00a0Yes, but that is more the exception than the rule.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Okay.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLou:\u00a0Again, as long as the child is under your authority, then you've got to have hope that you can do something to bring about a change.\u00a0 And even in the cases where it may take years for the child to turn around and come back, the time that you spend initially trying to help him change, the Lord is going to use, ultimately, to bring about repentance.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0I want to make two points here.\u00a0 First of all, Lou, you're little role play, which you took us through, and then how you were coaching a teenager to learn how to speak respectfully \u2013 I think that is so important.\u00a0 And I think it is the parents' responsibility to come alongside them and say, \"No, that's not acceptable.\u00a0 Here is the pattern of how I can best hear information, hurt, disappointment from you,\" as my son or daughter.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0But the second thing that I just want to affirm here is that parents have to take responsibility for the issue, and it begins with them as the parent.\u00a0 If we are angry, out-of-control parents, we're going to have angry, out-of-control children because our model will be a bad influence on our children, and what we say will never have a chance to penetrate their hearts.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And that's why I'd say, for a parent who is struggling with anger \u2013 you mentioned it earlier on the broadcast.\u00a0 Get this book and go through it with your teen.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Are you talking about the parent being angry or both parent and teen being angry?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Well, I'm talking about the parent and the teen experiencing anger.\u00a0 I think there's a lot for me to learn from my children.\u00a0 In fact, there was a lot that I learned from my children about how I handled my anger and, personally, I wish we'd had a book like this, because I do believe in family after family, even in the Christian community, anger is like an iceberg.\u00a0 We see just a little tip, but 90 percent is underneath the surface.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0I think if most of us could have our last week replayed on a screen in front of our spiritual peers, I think perhaps there might be some interesting, maybe shameful, looks on faces just to see how much we, as parents, failed, and how much we do need to lead and love our children.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0You know, if a parent were to order a copy of this book and just toss it to their teenager and say, \"Here read this\" \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0\u2026 that's right \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0\u2026 \"and this will fix you.\"\u00a0 It probably is not going to do you any good.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0That's probably not going to be it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0But if you got a copy of the book and said, \"Listen, here is what I want to do, because I have to deal with my anger the same way you have to deal with your anger.\u00a0 So, together, let's go through this, and I'm not going through it just so I can keep pointing the finger at you.\u00a0 I'm trying to see what God is going to teach me as we go through this, and I want you to see what God is going to teach you, and let's see if we both can't learn some things.\"\u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 I'm guessing you could make some progress with a teen.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0We've got copies of Lou's book in our FamilyLife Resource Center.\u00a0 The title of the book, again, is \"Getting a Grip,\" and, as I said, it's not a book you read, it's a book you do.\u00a0 It's a workbook.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0You can go to our website, FamilyLife.com.\u00a0 In the middle of the home page you'll see a red button that says \"Go.\"\u00a0 Click on that button, and it will take you to an area of the site where there is more information about Lou's book.\u00a0 You can order it from us online, or you can call 1-800-FLTODAY, that's 1-800-358-6329, 1-800-F-as-in-family, L-as-in-life, and then the word TODAY, and someone on our team will work with you to make sure a copy of the book gets sent out to you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0So, either way, go online at FamilyLife.com or call our toll-free number and make arrangements to get a copy of Lou's book.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Also, if you can help the ministry of FamilyLife Today this month with a donation of any amount, we have a very special thank you gift we'd like to send you.\u00a0 Dennis and Barbara Rainey have just written a new devotional for couples.\u00a0 It's called \"Moments With You\" \u2013 365 daily devotions for couples to do and even though 2008 is a leap year, and they don't have a devotion for February 29th, you'll have to come up with something else to do spiritual on that day.\u00a0 But the other 365 days, we've got you covered.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0These daily devotions provide you with something that you can talk about together, something you can pray through together, and it helps get you centered spiritually as a couple.\u00a0 We want to send you a copy of this book as our way of saying thank you for your financial support of the ministry of FamilyLife Today.\u00a0 Because we are listener-supported, we depend on donations from folks like you to continue this ministry, and this book is our way of saying thank you this month when you make a donation of any amount to the ministry of FamilyLife Today.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0You can donate online at FamilyLife.com, and if you're doing that, as you fill out the donation form online, you'll come to a keycode box.\u00a0 Just type the word \"Moments\" in the box so that we know to send you a copy of this book, or call 1-800-FLTODAY, 1-800-F-as-in-family, L-as-in-life, and then the word TODAY.\u00a0 You could make a donation over the phone and just mention that you'd like the devotional \"Moments With You,\" from Dennis and Barbara Rainey, and we're happy to send it out to you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Let me just say thanks for your partnership with us.\u00a0 We appreciate your financial support of this ministry.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Now, tomorrow we want to talk about how you cure anger.\u00a0 I don't know that there is a sure-fire cure or pill that you take that fixes everything for all time, but we do want to talk about the biblical principles that are the antidote to anger, and I hope you can join us for that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0I want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team.\u00a0 On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 We'll see you back tomorrow for another edition of FamilyLife Today. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0FamilyLife Today is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas, a ministry of Campus Crusade for Christ.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts for you. However, there is a cost to transcribe, create, and produce them for our website. If you've benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright \u00a9 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>www.FamilyLife.com<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>","theme_header_position":"","post_header_is_sticky":"","is_header_overlay":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast\/301510","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/podcast"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/91"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=301510"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/294104"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=301510"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=301510"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=301510"},{"taxonomy":"podcast_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast_series?post=301510"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=301510"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=301510"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}