{"id":301497,"date":"2008-01-02T12:00:00","date_gmt":"2008-01-02T17:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/control-freak\/"},"modified":"2008-01-02T12:00:00","modified_gmt":"2008-01-02T17:00:00","slug":"control-freak","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/control-freak\/","title":{"rendered":"Control Freak"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>What do you do when a parent tries to control you even after you&#8217;re married?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2008-01-02.mp3","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:","filesize":"12.68M","filesize_raw":"13295228","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2808,2902],"tags":[4861,4987],"podcast_series":[],"cwp_profile":[9055],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-301497","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-newlyweds","category-resolving-conflict","tag-in-laws","tag-inlaws","cwp_profile-les-and-leslie-parrott","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/301497\/control-freak","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/301497\/control-freak","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"o3SpAN6Jg6\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/control-freak\/\">Control Freak<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/control-freak\/embed\/#?secret=o3SpAN6Jg6\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Control Freak&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"o3SpAN6Jg6\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2008-01-02.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2008-01-02.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<p>\n\t\t\t\tLes:\u00a0One of the things that I always encourage couples to look for in this kind of a situation is what kind of permission are you giving mom and dad to do this to you?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0There must be some entry, some kind of message that you're sending to them that gives them the right to meddle in your life.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Maybe it is that you're getting free babysitting from them, maybe they're paying the school bills, maybe they're paying your rent.\u00a0 Whatever it is, they are somehow feeling like they have a right to do this.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0This is FamilyLife Today for Wednesday, January 2nd.\u00a0 Our host is the president of FamilyLife, Dennis Rainey, and I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 If you're thinking, \"I don't think I'm giving anybody permission to meddle in my marriage, but we've still got a meddler.\" Stay tuned, we've got some help for you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And welcome to FamilyLife Today, thanks for joining us.\u00a0 I've got a letter that I brought in.\u00a0 This is a letter that we got from one of our listeners.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0It's a pretty long letter, too, isn't it?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0It's a fairly long letter. The listener wrote and said, \"I need some practical, godly advice,\" and I was thinking, \"What should we do with this letter,\" and, in fact, we've already responded to this particular listener, but I went through and changed some of the details, because I would guess, Dennis, that what this listener described for us is a somewhat typical situation. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And then I thought, \"Well, we ought to see if we could get Les and Leslie Parrott to come and help us with an answer to this letter, because the letter really deals with parents who continue to \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Control?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Yeah, I think you're getting the right words in there.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Not let them leave?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0That's right.\u00a0 I thought, if we could get Les and Leslie Parrott \u2013 I remember talking to them one time \u2013 Les wrote a book called \"Control Freak,\" and Leslie said it was his autobiography, and I thought it would be perfect to just ask \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0And they're in the studio.\u00a0 Let's welcome them to FamilyLife Today.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLes:\u00a0I'll believe you now but, yeah.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0In case our listeners don't know Les and Leslie, Les is a professor of Clinical Psychology and Leslie, his wife, is a marriage and family therapist, and what that means is Les lectures Leslie, and Leslie counsels Les.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLes:\u00a0You got it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLeslie:\u00a0You got it \u2013 two points.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Their marriage has also survived enough counseling and lectures to write a few books together, and we're going to get their advice today as to how they would coach someone whose daughter and son-in-law are being, well, how should we say it \u2013 have a little heavy-handed mother-in-law and father-in-law.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0The long arm of the parents stepping in.\u00a0 Are you guys ready for the letter here?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLes:\u00a0All right, let's hear it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLeslie:\u00a0Let's hear it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0\"I have a question in which I need practical godly advice.\u00a0 I am a 30-year-old female.\u00a0 I am married to a wonderful man, and we have a two-year-old son named Sam.\"\u00a0 Now, again, we changed a lot of the details here, so as to protect this particular person.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0\"We are originally from Texas, where both of our families are from, but we've recently moved to St. Louis for my husband to attend Covenant Theological Seminary.\u00a0 My parents are the center of the question.\u00a0 I'll begin by telling you that my mother and I have always been very close.\u00a0 When Bill and I were married, I knew that I could no longer tell my mother everything.\u00a0 Now I was one with my husband.\u00a0 We were our own family. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0We live two hours away from my parents.\u00a0 This was smart, but we also knew that they were still trying to wedge in between us by trying to make decisions for us financially and asking questions about our lives, financially and otherwise, and insisting on answers.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Well, once we had our son, my mother wanted to come to visit several times a month, and she stayed many days.\u00a0 When we found out that Bill had been accepted into seminary, we were so blessed, it was an answer to prayer in many ways.\u00a0 One of those ways was because we knew it would be good for us to have greater distance from my parents.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0We thought the phone calls would slow down, but they seemed to call close to every day.\u00a0 They came to visit two weeks ago for a week.\u00a0 They are both very young.\u00a0 My mom looks like she could be my sister \u2013 and they are very bold.\u00a0 Bill and I gave up our room, and we slept on the floor in the baby's room.\u00a0 I think my parents took that as an invitation to take over the whole household.\u00a0 Everything was turned upside down.\u00a0 My dad began taking our only vehicle, without asking, if he wanted to go somewhere.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0My mom, basically, took my job as a mother away, and I felt as though I didn't know Sam by the time they left.\u00a0 She made me feel so inadequate as a mom.\u00a0 If Sam needed to be changed in a restaurant, she would get up and follow me into the restroom until the last night, when I told her I had done this thousands of times, and I would be fine.\u00a0 She pouted and would hardly talk the rest of the evening.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Okay, time out here.\u00a0 I think we've heard enough.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0You've got a picture of what's going on here?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0We've got a picture.\u00a0 Les, what's going on here?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLes:\u00a0We need to find this woman and help her.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0This is not a pretty picture.\u00a0 I've got to tell you, I've done a lot of research on controlling issues and controlling parents.\u00a0 I wrote this book called \"The Control Freak,\" as we heard was my autobiography, thank you very much, but I don't think that I've encountered a situation that is so blatantly controlling of parents and in-laws.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And, you know, I have a chapter in the book on invasive in-laws, and so I've certainly done some research on this, but this is a case of, certainly, extremes.\u00a0 And I would have a whole boatload of advice for this woman, and let me just toss out a few things.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0First of all, one of the things that I always encourage couples to look for in this kind of a situation is what kind of permission are you giving mom and dad to do this to you?\u00a0 There must be some entry, some kind of message that you're sending to them that gives them the right to meddle in your life.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Maybe it is that you're getting free babysitting from them, maybe they're paying the school bills, maybe they're paying your rent.\u00a0 Whatever it is, they are somehow feeling like they have a right to do this.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0On a continuing basis, too.\u00a0 This is not like it's happened once.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLes:\u00a0Exactly, and now that they're breaking away and starting their own life, that can be hard for mom or dad to let them do that, and so they continue to kind of do the things that they were used to doing as a parent when they were a young child.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0So they need to look at the admission ticket they've given to mom and dad to come into their lives and do that to find out whatever it is and to take that away.\u00a0 You know, make a decision, at least.\u00a0 Is it worth the price we're paying to have free babysitting or to get our rent paid or whatever that thing might be.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0You know, she talked about when mom and dad came to visit, mom and dad stayed in their room while they, the husband and wife, went and slept on the floor in the baby's room.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLes:\u00a0Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Now, I thought about that, and I thought, \"Well, that's humble, that's self-sacrificing.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLes:\u00a0Sounds nice, yeah.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0But it can also be symptomatic of somebody who is allowing control to take place.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLes:\u00a0Yeah, and that leads me to a second word of advice I would have for this person, and that is to examine the boundaries.\u00a0 You know, we hear a lot about boundaries these days, and there is definitely a situation here where some boundary lines need to be drawn, and their bed is a good place to start, especially if mom and dad are coming for a whole week.\u00a0 This is a disruptive thing to the whole family with a little two-year-old at home and everything else.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And so, yeah, you're thinking along the same lines I am, that maybe they have opened up their hearts a little too much to mom and dad and not drawn those boundary lines and, because of that, they're paying the price.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0As I listened to that letter, there is somebody who is absent in the entire story, and that's Bill.\u00a0 The only time Bill is mentioned is when Bill got accepted to seminary, which ultimately resulted in a move away from the parents.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0There should have been a few stories scattered in here where Bill went to his mother-in-law and father-in-law and had a very, very gracious yet solid discussion of what's taking place in the relationship.\u00a0 Early on, she said that there was wedge being driven between us.\u00a0 Now, they actually talked about is as a husband and wife, that they were sensing that mom and pops here were trying to manipulate them with money, demanding answers to their questions, their calls, their visits, their boldness, even to the point of taking a vehicle.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0It's kind of like would the leader in the house please step forward to protect his wife?\u00a0 And I've read a number of these types of letters and heard a number of stories over the years in talking to couples at our FamilyLife Marriage Conferences, and I really, at a point, after I've listened in most cases to the wife talk about the circumstances.\u00a0 I've turned to the husband and say, \"What would you recommend you do in this situation?\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And it's really up to him at that point, I believe, to get a game plan for how he is going to speak the truth in love to his mother-in-law and father-in-law, and that is tremendously threatening, but it's time to step up and be the husband and be the man at that point.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLes:\u00a0Right, and you've put your finger on it exactly.\u00a0 It is so threatening because they are not your blood relationship, and so he's kind of relegated this to her, and that's always a mistake.\u00a0 One of the things I mention in the book is that when it comes to in-law problems or parent problems as adults in a marriage, we need to face this as a team.\u00a0 We need to come together as a couple and sit down with them and to talk about how this is impacting our marriage, give them a picture for what this is doing to us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0So she's doing this on her own, no wonder they continue to have problems, because the balance in the relationship is not what it should be.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Yeah, but here is what's going to happen.\u00a0 If they try to put some boundaries, even if the two of them come together and approach this graciously and in love, I mean, when mom tried to follow the daughter to the bathroom to change the baby's diaper, and the daughter said, \"Mom, I've done this a thousand times, I can take care of it, \" mom pouted the rest of the evening.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0All of a sudden, you're going to pay an emotional penalty if you confront this issue, and you tell these parents to back off.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0You are going to pay a short-term emotional penalty that I believe will result ultimately in a wheel alignment and a proper alignment of the relationship so that the mother gives the daughter the freedom to be the mother of her child.\u00a0 I believe in most of these situations, feelings will get hurt, okay?\u00a0 Count on it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0But if there is proper biblical love being expressed by the adult children back to their parents, I believe that relationship will sustain that momentary pain of someone establishing the boundaries and then holding the parents to those boundaries once they're established.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Let's listen to what she says as she goes on in the letter.\u00a0 She says, \"I'm not good with confrontation, and my mom is easily hurt.\u00a0 I am afraid she is going to think I don't appreciate her help.\u00a0 I just want to mother my son without someone peeping over my shoulder constantly to see if I changed a diaper, fed him, if I have the Cheerios and the blanket or whatever else.\u00a0 I think she forgot that I have successfully done these things for two years now by myself.\u00a0 I am a mother and a wife.\u00a0 I appreciate advice when I ask for it, otherwise I don't need it.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Now, she's not good at confrontation.\u00a0 Mom is easily hurt.\u00a0 This kind of pattern can go on unless somebody does step forward and brings some confrontation into the relationship.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLes:\u00a0Right, it's self-perpetuating, and that's why somebody has to take a bold step here and step out of the pattern and change \u2013 short-circuit it, otherwise it will continue.\u00a0 And this is only going to get worse for this couple.\u00a0 This is not something that's going to take care of itself, and so many times in our relationship problems, we just think, \"Oh, we'll give it some time.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Well, when these are \u2013 this is a groove.\u00a0 Sometimes I tell newlyweds, you know, choose your ruts carefully because you're going to be in them for a long time, and this couple that's been married for \u2013 they have a two-year-old, they've been married for, what, four years or something like that.\u00a0 Well, here they are in this rut, and they've got to do something drastic to get out of it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And, as you said, they've got to do that as a team.\u00a0 She can't do that, she's already feeling inadequate, she's going to hurt her mom's feelings, her mom is going to pout, and she's going to punish her with these emotions, and so forth.\u00a0 Something drastic needs to be done.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLeslie:\u00a0You know, it really is scary to confront someone who you love deeply, realizing that they will hurt.\u00a0 You know, one of the things that I've learned, as Les has worked on this project, again, is that when we are overly controlling, so often what's at the root of that is a high level of anxiety, and anxiety is underneath there and, of course, this mom is anxious.\u00a0 She's afraid of losing her daughter.\u00a0 She cares so deeply, maybe she's afraid of having no meaning in her life.\u00a0 Maybe the only thing that meant anything to her was being a mom, and now she sees a chance through this grandson to extend that meaning again and recapture some of that joy she felt.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And so if this daughter can find a way to reassure her mom's root anxiety \u2013 of course, she doesn't have to be the one who magically intuits what the need is, but if she can find a way to say, \"You won't lose me.\u00a0 You will not lose this grandchild if you can find a way to respect this relationship and allow our marriage to thrive, you'll have us in your life, only we'll be choosing it.\u00a0 You won't have to push yourself into our life.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Dennis, I remember you talking about one way that you counseled a couple to do just what Leslie is talking about \u2013 a couple where there were controlling in-laws, and you suggested that they, in establishing those boundaries, do it in the context of expressing honor to the parents.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Yeah, I wrote a book called \"The Tribute and the Promise,\" and in that book I told the story of this couple and the practical way of reassuring \u2013 and you did a good job, Leslie, of saying that \u2013 that mom needs the reassurance that she is going to be loved; that her adult daughter is not withdrawing from the relationship.\u00a0 And so what this young lady did was she actually wrote a tribute to her mom and dad and both she and her husband, I believe it was at Christmas or maybe for their anniversary, went home.\u00a0 They read this tribute to them, gave it to them in a frame and, as a reminder of all they'd done right, and then the husband turned to the parents and said, \"There really are some boundaries that need to establish around our marriage and around our family for the good health of our relationship.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And he began to lay those out in a very clear \u2013 and not in a hurtful way \u2013 came out of the flow of the honor that had been given to those adult parents.\u00a0 And, as a result, what happened was the daughter was released by her mother and her father to become her own mother and her own wife and woman.\u00a0 And that couple were released from the control because they had delivered honor back to their parents, and the parents began to back off, realizing that what they were doing was unhealthy.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0But it took the courage of both the husband and the wife of going back to the parents and of establishing the boundaries, and I can't say it strong enough that I believe in these situations, it is the husband who must step forward.\u00a0 They can do it as a team, as you said, Les, I think that's a beautiful picture at that point.\u00a0 But many times it takes that husband stepping in because the daughter has been manipulated for so many years, and she's been emotionally blackmailed in that relationship.\u00a0 She can't do it.\u00a0 She needs someone who is objective.\u00a0 She needs someone who will do it lovingly without getting angry, who has prayed over it, and who will go back with the spirit of Jesus Christ \u2013 going back to bring hope and healing and some wholesome relationships to adult children with their parents.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLes:\u00a0Absolutely, and when they do that, they will find themselves at a new level in their own love life, in their own marriage, that they never even thought was possible because they've worked through this.\u00a0 It's kind of life going through something, kind of a war together, almost.\u00a0 Maybe that's too strong of an analogy, but you go through something difficult, and then you look back on it and go, \"Man, we made it through that.\u00a0 We succeeded at it.\"\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And for a husband and wife to join together and come through a process like that is a beautiful experience, and it's going to create a healthy relationship with mom and dad and, you know, that's what this is about.\u00a0 How do we create a healthy relationship, because what will end up happening, if they just perpetuate this, is it creates unhealthy dynamics for all of them when they're together and even when they're apart?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Including the grandkids later on, too.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLes:\u00a0Absolutely, because they'll never be apart.\u00a0 It's always \u2013 even if they move across the country, they're still \u2013 and they did.\u00a0 They moved across, and they still get phone calls every day, and visits, and so forth.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0So if something is not done, it perpetuates it, or then they get resentful, and then it shuts down the relationship and nothing happens.\u00a0 So that's why this is a make-or-break issue.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Okay, let's review.\u00a0 Give me an action plan for the person who wrote this letter.\u00a0 Step 1.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLes:\u00a0Well, first, understand why do our in-laws or your parents become so invasive?\u00a0 Why?\u00a0 Well, it's primarily out of anxiety.\u00a0 They want something from you that they're afraid they might not get, or they're afraid they're losing something or whatever it is, so you want to identify that anxiety and help them alleviate that as much as possible, as Leslie said earlier.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Another thing is \u2013 I call it \"taking back your in-law's right to meddle,\" and it comes back to that step we mentioned earlier of finding out where is it that you're giving them permission to do this?\u00a0 What's the string that is attached to this relationship?\u00a0 So examine that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Thirdly, you want to work as a team.\u00a0 This is not a one-person job.\u00a0 This is a team effort, as we've talked about.\u00a0 I think also another thing that I would suggest in the action plan is to learn \u2013 put the word \"no\" in your vocabulary.\u00a0 Mom and dad take your car without asking, learn to say \"No, that's not how it works in our home, sorry, but that's not how it works.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0So there's a few action steps that I would toss out there.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0And if they pout when you do that \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLes:\u00a0That's their problem not yours, and that's tough to hear, but that's the truth.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLeslie:\u00a0One of the things we don't realize is when we don't set accurate boundaries, we are allowing our parents to really fail, because for our parents to have succeeded, they need to have raised us in such a way that we can become independent, healthy, autonomous adults.\u00a0 That's really their success.\u00a0 That is what honors them.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And so we are taking that chance that they have to have been successful parents away if we allow them to continue in that dependent cycle.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Oh, that's a great point.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0It is, and I'd like to conclude by just addressing the parents at this point, because I\u2019m a parent, and I'm also an in-law, and I believe one of the things you can head off at the pass is this whole issue of control by taking a good close look at Genesis, chapter 2, and before you give your daughter's hand away, before you pay for your son's rehearsal dinner, and you bless that union, count the cost of allowing your son, of allowing your daughter the privilege, the freedom, and the responsibility to leave you, sever the loyalty that has been a lifelong loyalty, and I\u2019m going to tell you something.\u00a0 What I'm saying here is not easy, as a parent.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0But you allow them to do that because you know there must be a new loyalty established.\u00a0 And, as a parent, you let them leave, you bless that leaving, and then you keep your hands off that relationship, and even as Barbara and I did, we told Ashley and Michael, \"We will not offer advice unless you ask.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Now, would you like to know how long my tongue used to be?\u00a0 It's been chewed nearly off.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0I'm kidding.\u00a0 We really haven't had that many times when we've wanted to offer advice.\u00a0 Ashley and Michael have done a wonderful job.\u00a0 But there will be those moments with your adult children as they get married and, for that matter, when they become single adults, when you will need to say, \"I need to allow my son, I need to give the freedom to my daughter to make their own mistakes just like I did.\"'\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0All right, I've got to know \u2013 what are you doing tonight for dinner?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Well, I'm spending the evening with my grafted-in son, Michael, and Ashley.\u00a0 And I'm going to kiss my two grandsons goodbye, and they're heading back off to Memphis.\u00a0 They've been in town for the last couple of days.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0You called them and said, \"It's time for you guys to come over here.\u00a0 You need to make a trip over here?\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0No, they actually came over on their own, and they've been here for the past three or four days.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0And tonight at dinner, are you going to bring up any issues that you need to talk about?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLes:\u00a0You know, Bob is really trying to stir up something here.\u00a0 I don't know what he's looking for.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0You know, it's funny, because there really aren't any issues, and it's really quite a fun relationship, because we don't have any strings.\u00a0 We don't have any financial strings; we don't have any emotional strings.\u00a0 Now, I'm not telling you there aren't those strings that don't begin to grow from our hearts toward theirs, but if you understand on the front end that God commands a man and a woman to leave, cleave, and become one flesh, that responsibility is just not the adult children, it is also the parents' responsibility to bless that union.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0You know, I have to think that the woman who wrote us this letter would benefit from reading a copy of Les's book, \"The Control Freak.\"\u00a0 It would help her understand, maybe, something what's going on in the heart and the mind and the soul of her parents, and then I think she might also benefit from reading a copy of the book that you wrote, \"The Best Gift You Can Ever Give Your Parents,\" where you give counsel to couples on how to honor their parents even when mom or dad or both mom and dad have been a challenge.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0We've got both of these books in our FamilyLife Resource Center, and if you're interested in a copy of either or both of the books, you can go to our website, FamilyLife.com.\u00a0 You click the button that you see on the home page that says \"Go,\" and that will take you to a portion of the site where there is more information about the resources that we've talked about here today.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Again, the website is FamilyLife.com.\u00a0 Click the red \"Go\" button that you see on the home page, and you can order from our website, if you'd like, or you can call us at 1-800-FLTODAY, that's 1-800-358-6329, that's 1-800-F-as-in-family, L-as-in-life, and then the word TODAY.\u00a0 Give us a call, and someone will make arrangements to have whatever books you need sent out to you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0By the way, something special that we want to make available for those of you who might be able to help support the ministry of FamilyLife Today with a donation of any amount this month, we'd like to send you a copy of the brand-new book by Dennis and Barbara Rainey called \"Moments With You.\"\u00a0 It's a daily devotional for couples \u2013 365 daily devotions that you can go through together.\u00a0 These devotions give you something to talk about, something to think about, something to pray together about.\u00a0 It's a great way to build a stronger relationship with your spouse and with God.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Again, the book is our gift to you this week when you make a donation of any amount for the ministry of FamilyLife Today.\u00a0 You could make a donation online at FamilyLife.com.\u00a0 If you do that, when you come to the keycode box on the donation form just type the word \"moments\" in there, and we'll know to send you a copy of Dennis and Barbara's new devotional book for couples.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Or you can call 1-800-FLTODAY, make your donation over the phone and, again, we're happy to send a copy of this book out to you.\u00a0 Just mention that you'd like to receive it.\u00a0 It's our way of saying thanks for your partnership with us here in the ministry of FamilyLife Today.\u00a0 We appreciate hearing from you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Well, tomorrow Dr. David Clarke is going to join us, and we're going to talk about what to do when your marriage needs more than just a little fixing up \u2013 you need a total marriage makeover.\u00a0 We'll talk to him about that tomorrow.\u00a0 I hope you can be back with us for that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0I want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team.\u00a0 On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 We'll see you back next time for another edition of FamilyLife Today. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFamilyLife Today is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas, a ministry of Campus Crusade for Christ.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t_______________________________________________________________\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts for you. However, there is a cost to transcribe, create, and produce them for our website. If you've benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright \u00a9 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>www.FamilyLife.com<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>"],"_seopress_titles_title":[""],"_seopress_titles_desc":[""],"_seopress_robots_index":[""],"duration":["00:"],"show_notes":[""],"_thumbnail_id":["294104"],"filesize":["12.68M"],"filesize_raw":["13295228"],"_uag_css_file_name":["uag-css-301497.css"],"_uag_js_file_name":["uag-js-301497.js"],"_uag_page_assets":["a:9:{s:3:\"css\";s:82560:\".wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-top svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-top .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: rgba(51,51,51,1);}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-bottom svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-bottom .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: rgba(51,51,51,1);}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f 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do you do when a parent tries to control you even after you're married?","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2008-01-02.pdf","transcript_content":"<p>\n\t\t\t\tLes:\u00a0One of the things that I always encourage couples to look for in this kind of a situation is what kind of permission are you giving mom and dad to do this to you?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0There must be some entry, some kind of message that you're sending to them that gives them the right to meddle in your life.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Maybe it is that you're getting free babysitting from them, maybe they're paying the school bills, maybe they're paying your rent.\u00a0 Whatever it is, they are somehow feeling like they have a right to do this.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0This is FamilyLife Today for Wednesday, January 2nd.\u00a0 Our host is the president of FamilyLife, Dennis Rainey, and I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 If you're thinking, \"I don't think I'm giving anybody permission to meddle in my marriage, but we've still got a meddler.\" Stay tuned, we've got some help for you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And welcome to FamilyLife Today, thanks for joining us.\u00a0 I've got a letter that I brought in.\u00a0 This is a letter that we got from one of our listeners.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0It's a pretty long letter, too, isn't it?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0It's a fairly long letter. The listener wrote and said, \"I need some practical, godly advice,\" and I was thinking, \"What should we do with this letter,\" and, in fact, we've already responded to this particular listener, but I went through and changed some of the details, because I would guess, Dennis, that what this listener described for us is a somewhat typical situation. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And then I thought, \"Well, we ought to see if we could get Les and Leslie Parrott to come and help us with an answer to this letter, because the letter really deals with parents who continue to \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Control?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Yeah, I think you're getting the right words in there.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Not let them leave?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0That's right.\u00a0 I thought, if we could get Les and Leslie Parrott \u2013 I remember talking to them one time \u2013 Les wrote a book called \"Control Freak,\" and Leslie said it was his autobiography, and I thought it would be perfect to just ask \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0And they're in the studio.\u00a0 Let's welcome them to FamilyLife Today.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLes:\u00a0I'll believe you now but, yeah.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0In case our listeners don't know Les and Leslie, Les is a professor of Clinical Psychology and Leslie, his wife, is a marriage and family therapist, and what that means is Les lectures Leslie, and Leslie counsels Les.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLes:\u00a0You got it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLeslie:\u00a0You got it \u2013 two points.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Their marriage has also survived enough counseling and lectures to write a few books together, and we're going to get their advice today as to how they would coach someone whose daughter and son-in-law are being, well, how should we say it \u2013 have a little heavy-handed mother-in-law and father-in-law.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0The long arm of the parents stepping in.\u00a0 Are you guys ready for the letter here?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLes:\u00a0All right, let's hear it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLeslie:\u00a0Let's hear it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0\"I have a question in which I need practical godly advice.\u00a0 I am a 30-year-old female.\u00a0 I am married to a wonderful man, and we have a two-year-old son named Sam.\"\u00a0 Now, again, we changed a lot of the details here, so as to protect this particular person.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0\"We are originally from Texas, where both of our families are from, but we've recently moved to St. Louis for my husband to attend Covenant Theological Seminary.\u00a0 My parents are the center of the question.\u00a0 I'll begin by telling you that my mother and I have always been very close.\u00a0 When Bill and I were married, I knew that I could no longer tell my mother everything.\u00a0 Now I was one with my husband.\u00a0 We were our own family. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0We live two hours away from my parents.\u00a0 This was smart, but we also knew that they were still trying to wedge in between us by trying to make decisions for us financially and asking questions about our lives, financially and otherwise, and insisting on answers.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Well, once we had our son, my mother wanted to come to visit several times a month, and she stayed many days.\u00a0 When we found out that Bill had been accepted into seminary, we were so blessed, it was an answer to prayer in many ways.\u00a0 One of those ways was because we knew it would be good for us to have greater distance from my parents.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0We thought the phone calls would slow down, but they seemed to call close to every day.\u00a0 They came to visit two weeks ago for a week.\u00a0 They are both very young.\u00a0 My mom looks like she could be my sister \u2013 and they are very bold.\u00a0 Bill and I gave up our room, and we slept on the floor in the baby's room.\u00a0 I think my parents took that as an invitation to take over the whole household.\u00a0 Everything was turned upside down.\u00a0 My dad began taking our only vehicle, without asking, if he wanted to go somewhere.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0My mom, basically, took my job as a mother away, and I felt as though I didn't know Sam by the time they left.\u00a0 She made me feel so inadequate as a mom.\u00a0 If Sam needed to be changed in a restaurant, she would get up and follow me into the restroom until the last night, when I told her I had done this thousands of times, and I would be fine.\u00a0 She pouted and would hardly talk the rest of the evening.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Okay, time out here.\u00a0 I think we've heard enough.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0You've got a picture of what's going on here?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0We've got a picture.\u00a0 Les, what's going on here?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLes:\u00a0We need to find this woman and help her.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0This is not a pretty picture.\u00a0 I've got to tell you, I've done a lot of research on controlling issues and controlling parents.\u00a0 I wrote this book called \"The Control Freak,\" as we heard was my autobiography, thank you very much, but I don't think that I've encountered a situation that is so blatantly controlling of parents and in-laws.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And, you know, I have a chapter in the book on invasive in-laws, and so I've certainly done some research on this, but this is a case of, certainly, extremes.\u00a0 And I would have a whole boatload of advice for this woman, and let me just toss out a few things.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0First of all, one of the things that I always encourage couples to look for in this kind of a situation is what kind of permission are you giving mom and dad to do this to you?\u00a0 There must be some entry, some kind of message that you're sending to them that gives them the right to meddle in your life.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Maybe it is that you're getting free babysitting from them, maybe they're paying the school bills, maybe they're paying your rent.\u00a0 Whatever it is, they are somehow feeling like they have a right to do this.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0On a continuing basis, too.\u00a0 This is not like it's happened once.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLes:\u00a0Exactly, and now that they're breaking away and starting their own life, that can be hard for mom or dad to let them do that, and so they continue to kind of do the things that they were used to doing as a parent when they were a young child.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0So they need to look at the admission ticket they've given to mom and dad to come into their lives and do that to find out whatever it is and to take that away.\u00a0 You know, make a decision, at least.\u00a0 Is it worth the price we're paying to have free babysitting or to get our rent paid or whatever that thing might be.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0You know, she talked about when mom and dad came to visit, mom and dad stayed in their room while they, the husband and wife, went and slept on the floor in the baby's room.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLes:\u00a0Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Now, I thought about that, and I thought, \"Well, that's humble, that's self-sacrificing.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLes:\u00a0Sounds nice, yeah.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0But it can also be symptomatic of somebody who is allowing control to take place.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLes:\u00a0Yeah, and that leads me to a second word of advice I would have for this person, and that is to examine the boundaries.\u00a0 You know, we hear a lot about boundaries these days, and there is definitely a situation here where some boundary lines need to be drawn, and their bed is a good place to start, especially if mom and dad are coming for a whole week.\u00a0 This is a disruptive thing to the whole family with a little two-year-old at home and everything else.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And so, yeah, you're thinking along the same lines I am, that maybe they have opened up their hearts a little too much to mom and dad and not drawn those boundary lines and, because of that, they're paying the price.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0As I listened to that letter, there is somebody who is absent in the entire story, and that's Bill.\u00a0 The only time Bill is mentioned is when Bill got accepted to seminary, which ultimately resulted in a move away from the parents.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0There should have been a few stories scattered in here where Bill went to his mother-in-law and father-in-law and had a very, very gracious yet solid discussion of what's taking place in the relationship.\u00a0 Early on, she said that there was wedge being driven between us.\u00a0 Now, they actually talked about is as a husband and wife, that they were sensing that mom and pops here were trying to manipulate them with money, demanding answers to their questions, their calls, their visits, their boldness, even to the point of taking a vehicle.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0It's kind of like would the leader in the house please step forward to protect his wife?\u00a0 And I've read a number of these types of letters and heard a number of stories over the years in talking to couples at our FamilyLife Marriage Conferences, and I really, at a point, after I've listened in most cases to the wife talk about the circumstances.\u00a0 I've turned to the husband and say, \"What would you recommend you do in this situation?\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And it's really up to him at that point, I believe, to get a game plan for how he is going to speak the truth in love to his mother-in-law and father-in-law, and that is tremendously threatening, but it's time to step up and be the husband and be the man at that point.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLes:\u00a0Right, and you've put your finger on it exactly.\u00a0 It is so threatening because they are not your blood relationship, and so he's kind of relegated this to her, and that's always a mistake.\u00a0 One of the things I mention in the book is that when it comes to in-law problems or parent problems as adults in a marriage, we need to face this as a team.\u00a0 We need to come together as a couple and sit down with them and to talk about how this is impacting our marriage, give them a picture for what this is doing to us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0So she's doing this on her own, no wonder they continue to have problems, because the balance in the relationship is not what it should be.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Yeah, but here is what's going to happen.\u00a0 If they try to put some boundaries, even if the two of them come together and approach this graciously and in love, I mean, when mom tried to follow the daughter to the bathroom to change the baby's diaper, and the daughter said, \"Mom, I've done this a thousand times, I can take care of it, \" mom pouted the rest of the evening.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0All of a sudden, you're going to pay an emotional penalty if you confront this issue, and you tell these parents to back off.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0You are going to pay a short-term emotional penalty that I believe will result ultimately in a wheel alignment and a proper alignment of the relationship so that the mother gives the daughter the freedom to be the mother of her child.\u00a0 I believe in most of these situations, feelings will get hurt, okay?\u00a0 Count on it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0But if there is proper biblical love being expressed by the adult children back to their parents, I believe that relationship will sustain that momentary pain of someone establishing the boundaries and then holding the parents to those boundaries once they're established.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Let's listen to what she says as she goes on in the letter.\u00a0 She says, \"I'm not good with confrontation, and my mom is easily hurt.\u00a0 I am afraid she is going to think I don't appreciate her help.\u00a0 I just want to mother my son without someone peeping over my shoulder constantly to see if I changed a diaper, fed him, if I have the Cheerios and the blanket or whatever else.\u00a0 I think she forgot that I have successfully done these things for two years now by myself.\u00a0 I am a mother and a wife.\u00a0 I appreciate advice when I ask for it, otherwise I don't need it.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Now, she's not good at confrontation.\u00a0 Mom is easily hurt.\u00a0 This kind of pattern can go on unless somebody does step forward and brings some confrontation into the relationship.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLes:\u00a0Right, it's self-perpetuating, and that's why somebody has to take a bold step here and step out of the pattern and change \u2013 short-circuit it, otherwise it will continue.\u00a0 And this is only going to get worse for this couple.\u00a0 This is not something that's going to take care of itself, and so many times in our relationship problems, we just think, \"Oh, we'll give it some time.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Well, when these are \u2013 this is a groove.\u00a0 Sometimes I tell newlyweds, you know, choose your ruts carefully because you're going to be in them for a long time, and this couple that's been married for \u2013 they have a two-year-old, they've been married for, what, four years or something like that.\u00a0 Well, here they are in this rut, and they've got to do something drastic to get out of it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And, as you said, they've got to do that as a team.\u00a0 She can't do that, she's already feeling inadequate, she's going to hurt her mom's feelings, her mom is going to pout, and she's going to punish her with these emotions, and so forth.\u00a0 Something drastic needs to be done.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLeslie:\u00a0You know, it really is scary to confront someone who you love deeply, realizing that they will hurt.\u00a0 You know, one of the things that I've learned, as Les has worked on this project, again, is that when we are overly controlling, so often what's at the root of that is a high level of anxiety, and anxiety is underneath there and, of course, this mom is anxious.\u00a0 She's afraid of losing her daughter.\u00a0 She cares so deeply, maybe she's afraid of having no meaning in her life.\u00a0 Maybe the only thing that meant anything to her was being a mom, and now she sees a chance through this grandson to extend that meaning again and recapture some of that joy she felt.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And so if this daughter can find a way to reassure her mom's root anxiety \u2013 of course, she doesn't have to be the one who magically intuits what the need is, but if she can find a way to say, \"You won't lose me.\u00a0 You will not lose this grandchild if you can find a way to respect this relationship and allow our marriage to thrive, you'll have us in your life, only we'll be choosing it.\u00a0 You won't have to push yourself into our life.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Dennis, I remember you talking about one way that you counseled a couple to do just what Leslie is talking about \u2013 a couple where there were controlling in-laws, and you suggested that they, in establishing those boundaries, do it in the context of expressing honor to the parents.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Yeah, I wrote a book called \"The Tribute and the Promise,\" and in that book I told the story of this couple and the practical way of reassuring \u2013 and you did a good job, Leslie, of saying that \u2013 that mom needs the reassurance that she is going to be loved; that her adult daughter is not withdrawing from the relationship.\u00a0 And so what this young lady did was she actually wrote a tribute to her mom and dad and both she and her husband, I believe it was at Christmas or maybe for their anniversary, went home.\u00a0 They read this tribute to them, gave it to them in a frame and, as a reminder of all they'd done right, and then the husband turned to the parents and said, \"There really are some boundaries that need to establish around our marriage and around our family for the good health of our relationship.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And he began to lay those out in a very clear \u2013 and not in a hurtful way \u2013 came out of the flow of the honor that had been given to those adult parents.\u00a0 And, as a result, what happened was the daughter was released by her mother and her father to become her own mother and her own wife and woman.\u00a0 And that couple were released from the control because they had delivered honor back to their parents, and the parents began to back off, realizing that what they were doing was unhealthy.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0But it took the courage of both the husband and the wife of going back to the parents and of establishing the boundaries, and I can't say it strong enough that I believe in these situations, it is the husband who must step forward.\u00a0 They can do it as a team, as you said, Les, I think that's a beautiful picture at that point.\u00a0 But many times it takes that husband stepping in because the daughter has been manipulated for so many years, and she's been emotionally blackmailed in that relationship.\u00a0 She can't do it.\u00a0 She needs someone who is objective.\u00a0 She needs someone who will do it lovingly without getting angry, who has prayed over it, and who will go back with the spirit of Jesus Christ \u2013 going back to bring hope and healing and some wholesome relationships to adult children with their parents.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLes:\u00a0Absolutely, and when they do that, they will find themselves at a new level in their own love life, in their own marriage, that they never even thought was possible because they've worked through this.\u00a0 It's kind of life going through something, kind of a war together, almost.\u00a0 Maybe that's too strong of an analogy, but you go through something difficult, and then you look back on it and go, \"Man, we made it through that.\u00a0 We succeeded at it.\"\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And for a husband and wife to join together and come through a process like that is a beautiful experience, and it's going to create a healthy relationship with mom and dad and, you know, that's what this is about.\u00a0 How do we create a healthy relationship, because what will end up happening, if they just perpetuate this, is it creates unhealthy dynamics for all of them when they're together and even when they're apart?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Including the grandkids later on, too.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLes:\u00a0Absolutely, because they'll never be apart.\u00a0 It's always \u2013 even if they move across the country, they're still \u2013 and they did.\u00a0 They moved across, and they still get phone calls every day, and visits, and so forth.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0So if something is not done, it perpetuates it, or then they get resentful, and then it shuts down the relationship and nothing happens.\u00a0 So that's why this is a make-or-break issue.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Okay, let's review.\u00a0 Give me an action plan for the person who wrote this letter.\u00a0 Step 1.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLes:\u00a0Well, first, understand why do our in-laws or your parents become so invasive?\u00a0 Why?\u00a0 Well, it's primarily out of anxiety.\u00a0 They want something from you that they're afraid they might not get, or they're afraid they're losing something or whatever it is, so you want to identify that anxiety and help them alleviate that as much as possible, as Leslie said earlier.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Another thing is \u2013 I call it \"taking back your in-law's right to meddle,\" and it comes back to that step we mentioned earlier of finding out where is it that you're giving them permission to do this?\u00a0 What's the string that is attached to this relationship?\u00a0 So examine that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Thirdly, you want to work as a team.\u00a0 This is not a one-person job.\u00a0 This is a team effort, as we've talked about.\u00a0 I think also another thing that I would suggest in the action plan is to learn \u2013 put the word \"no\" in your vocabulary.\u00a0 Mom and dad take your car without asking, learn to say \"No, that's not how it works in our home, sorry, but that's not how it works.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0So there's a few action steps that I would toss out there.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0And if they pout when you do that \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLes:\u00a0That's their problem not yours, and that's tough to hear, but that's the truth.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLeslie:\u00a0One of the things we don't realize is when we don't set accurate boundaries, we are allowing our parents to really fail, because for our parents to have succeeded, they need to have raised us in such a way that we can become independent, healthy, autonomous adults.\u00a0 That's really their success.\u00a0 That is what honors them.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And so we are taking that chance that they have to have been successful parents away if we allow them to continue in that dependent cycle.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Oh, that's a great point.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0It is, and I'd like to conclude by just addressing the parents at this point, because I\u2019m a parent, and I'm also an in-law, and I believe one of the things you can head off at the pass is this whole issue of control by taking a good close look at Genesis, chapter 2, and before you give your daughter's hand away, before you pay for your son's rehearsal dinner, and you bless that union, count the cost of allowing your son, of allowing your daughter the privilege, the freedom, and the responsibility to leave you, sever the loyalty that has been a lifelong loyalty, and I\u2019m going to tell you something.\u00a0 What I'm saying here is not easy, as a parent.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0But you allow them to do that because you know there must be a new loyalty established.\u00a0 And, as a parent, you let them leave, you bless that leaving, and then you keep your hands off that relationship, and even as Barbara and I did, we told Ashley and Michael, \"We will not offer advice unless you ask.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Now, would you like to know how long my tongue used to be?\u00a0 It's been chewed nearly off.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0I'm kidding.\u00a0 We really haven't had that many times when we've wanted to offer advice.\u00a0 Ashley and Michael have done a wonderful job.\u00a0 But there will be those moments with your adult children as they get married and, for that matter, when they become single adults, when you will need to say, \"I need to allow my son, I need to give the freedom to my daughter to make their own mistakes just like I did.\"'\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0All right, I've got to know \u2013 what are you doing tonight for dinner?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Well, I'm spending the evening with my grafted-in son, Michael, and Ashley.\u00a0 And I'm going to kiss my two grandsons goodbye, and they're heading back off to Memphis.\u00a0 They've been in town for the last couple of days.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0You called them and said, \"It's time for you guys to come over here.\u00a0 You need to make a trip over here?\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0No, they actually came over on their own, and they've been here for the past three or four days.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0And tonight at dinner, are you going to bring up any issues that you need to talk about?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLes:\u00a0You know, Bob is really trying to stir up something here.\u00a0 I don't know what he's looking for.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0You know, it's funny, because there really aren't any issues, and it's really quite a fun relationship, because we don't have any strings.\u00a0 We don't have any financial strings; we don't have any emotional strings.\u00a0 Now, I'm not telling you there aren't those strings that don't begin to grow from our hearts toward theirs, but if you understand on the front end that God commands a man and a woman to leave, cleave, and become one flesh, that responsibility is just not the adult children, it is also the parents' responsibility to bless that union.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0You know, I have to think that the woman who wrote us this letter would benefit from reading a copy of Les's book, \"The Control Freak.\"\u00a0 It would help her understand, maybe, something what's going on in the heart and the mind and the soul of her parents, and then I think she might also benefit from reading a copy of the book that you wrote, \"The Best Gift You Can Ever Give Your Parents,\" where you give counsel to couples on how to honor their parents even when mom or dad or both mom and dad have been a challenge.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0We've got both of these books in our FamilyLife Resource Center, and if you're interested in a copy of either or both of the books, you can go to our website, FamilyLife.com.\u00a0 You click the button that you see on the home page that says \"Go,\" and that will take you to a portion of the site where there is more information about the resources that we've talked about here today.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Again, the website is FamilyLife.com.\u00a0 Click the red \"Go\" button that you see on the home page, and you can order from our website, if you'd like, or you can call us at 1-800-FLTODAY, that's 1-800-358-6329, that's 1-800-F-as-in-family, L-as-in-life, and then the word TODAY.\u00a0 Give us a call, and someone will make arrangements to have whatever books you need sent out to you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0By the way, something special that we want to make available for those of you who might be able to help support the ministry of FamilyLife Today with a donation of any amount this month, we'd like to send you a copy of the brand-new book by Dennis and Barbara Rainey called \"Moments With You.\"\u00a0 It's a daily devotional for couples \u2013 365 daily devotions that you can go through together.\u00a0 These devotions give you something to talk about, something to think about, something to pray together about.\u00a0 It's a great way to build a stronger relationship with your spouse and with God.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Again, the book is our gift to you this week when you make a donation of any amount for the ministry of FamilyLife Today.\u00a0 You could make a donation online at FamilyLife.com.\u00a0 If you do that, when you come to the keycode box on the donation form just type the word \"moments\" in there, and we'll know to send you a copy of Dennis and Barbara's new devotional book for couples.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Or you can call 1-800-FLTODAY, make your donation over the phone and, again, we're happy to send a copy of this book out to you.\u00a0 Just mention that you'd like to receive it.\u00a0 It's our way of saying thanks for your partnership with us here in the ministry of FamilyLife Today.\u00a0 We appreciate hearing from you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Well, tomorrow Dr. David Clarke is going to join us, and we're going to talk about what to do when your marriage needs more than just a little fixing up \u2013 you need a total marriage makeover.\u00a0 We'll talk to him about that tomorrow.\u00a0 I hope you can be back with us for that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0I want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team.\u00a0 On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 We'll see you back next time for another edition of FamilyLife Today. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFamilyLife Today is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas, a ministry of Campus Crusade for Christ.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t_______________________________________________________________\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts for you. However, there is a cost to transcribe, create, and produce them for our website. If you've benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright \u00a9 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>www.FamilyLife.com<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>","theme_header_position":"","post_header_is_sticky":"","is_header_overlay":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast\/301497","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/podcast"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/91"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=301497"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/294104"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=301497"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=301497"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=301497"},{"taxonomy":"podcast_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast_series?post=301497"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=301497"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=301497"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}