{"id":301452,"date":"2007-10-24T11:00:00","date_gmt":"2007-10-24T15:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/the-jesus-way-of-talking\/"},"modified":"2007-10-24T11:00:00","modified_gmt":"2007-10-24T15:00:00","slug":"the-jesus-way-of-talking","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/the-jesus-way-of-talking\/","title":{"rendered":"The Jesus Way of Talking"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Did you ever wish you had a decoder ring to understand what your spouse was saying?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2007-10-24.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:","filesize":"12.42M","filesize_raw":"13019470","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2082],"tags":[4527,2918,4974],"podcast_series":[7547],"cwp_profile":[3367],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-301452","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-communication","tag-communication","tag-conflict","tag-fighting","podcast_series-cracking-the-communication-code","cwp_profile-emerson-eggerichs","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/301452\/the-jesus-way-of-talking","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/301452\/the-jesus-way-of-talking","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"IMrxInwOli\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/the-jesus-way-of-talking\/\">The Jesus Way of Talking<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/the-jesus-way-of-talking\/embed\/#?secret=IMrxInwOli\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;The Jesus Way of Talking&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"IMrxInwOli\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var 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saying?","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2007-10-24.pdf","transcript_content":"<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Emerson:<\/strong>\u00a0God has designed young men to be providers.\u00a0 They have within their little nature a desire to protect.\u00a0 When they create the fort, they are protecting.\u00a0 So instead of passing judgment on that little boy, anymore than we pass judgment on a little girl running through the airport with a doll under her arm, she has a nurturing capacity, and that little boy has a protective instinct that we've labeled potentially violent.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0This is FamilyLife Today for Wednesday, October 24th.\u00a0 Our host is the president of FamilyLife, Dennis Rainey, and I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 So when little boys who turn sticks into guns start talking to little girls who are nurturing their dollies, is it any wonder that we sometimes miss each other in communication?\u00a0 Stay with us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And welcome to FamilyLife Today, thanks for joining us.\u00a0 I didn't know you when you were a little boy, but I have a picture in my mind of you as a little boy.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0It's probably not a fair picture.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0I'll just test it out \u2013 did you have a Davy Crockett coonskin cap?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0Oh, absolutely.\u00a0 In fact, I think my BB gun \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0Was it a Red Ryder BB gun?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0A Daisy.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0Daisy, okay, all right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0A Daisy BB gun, you know, oh, yeah, man, I took care of the blackbirds.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0I'm guessing, as well, that you saved boxtops from cereal boxes and sent them in to get the decoder rings and stuff like that?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0Oh, yeah.\u00a0 Oh, yeah.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0The x-ray glasses, did you ever order those?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0It wasn't Spiderman, it was some kind of decoder, some alien or something in the comics.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0Yeah?\u00a0 So did any of that stuff help you with anything?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0You know, I should have had a decoder ring when I got married.\u00a0 That would have really helped me.\u00a0 In fact, Bob \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0Maybe there's a new resource for the FamilyLife Resource Center.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0Bob, if we would ask anybody to help us with decoding \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0Coming up \u2013 the decoder ring for marriage?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0Who would you ask?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0Probably Gary Smalley.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0Steve Farrar?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0Yeah, they'd be the \u2013 [laughs].\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0We might also ask Emerson Eggerichs.\u00a0 Emerson, welcome back to the broadcast.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Emerson:<\/strong>\u00a0Oh, thank you for having me back.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0I should have been watching him out of the corner of my eye.\u00a0 He kind of slumped there.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Emerson:<\/strong>\u00a0Yeah, I was agreeing with you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0Those are great guys.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Emerson:<\/strong>\u00a0Exactly.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0Well, Emerson is the founder and president of Love and Respect Ministries.\u00a0 He and his wife, Sarah, have three adult children.\u00a0 He has written a bestselling book called \"Love and Respect,\" and is following it up with \"Cracking the Communication Code.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0Do you have a decoder ring available through your ministry?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Emerson:<\/strong>\u00a0I think that's a great idea.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0If we had a decoder ring, you know, we could put them in all kinds of wedding gifts for couples.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Emerson:<\/strong>\u00a0I think you guys are onto something huge here.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0No doubt about it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Emerson:<\/strong>\u00a0Yeah, there is no question.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0Where do we start when it comes to decoding communication between a male and a female?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Emerson:<\/strong>\u00a0Well, I think just that point \u2013 that we are male and female, and I liken it that God designed women to look at the world through pink sunglasses, and she speaks through a pink megaphone, and she has pink hearing aids, and men have blue sunglasses, blue hearing aids, and blue megaphones, and there is this communication that's different, and I don't know if you've had that experience talking with someone who doesn't speak the same language, and you're trying to give directions, and sudden you find yourself getting louder as though somehow if we get louder, and they're going to understand us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0In marriage, I believe she speaks the love language, and he speaks respect talk.\u00a0 This is based on Ephesians 5:33, and what happens, though, if we don't learn the other's language, we start getting louder with one another.\u00a0 Many people say communication is the key to marriage, but I don't believe that.\u00a0 I believe that mutual understanding is the key.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0A wife says \"Sex and food, that's all you ever think about, that's all you want from me.\"\u00a0 He feels disrespected, but she's not trying to speak disrespectfully.\u00a0 The deeper thing that needs to be decoded with the decoder ring is that she is feeling insecure probably about his love.\u00a0 And that isn't easy to do, but that's the truth.\u00a0 She's not trying to be disrespectful.\u00a0 She is seeking reassurance that you love me for me.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Or a husband who says, \"You know, I can never be good enough.\u00a0 You're just never satisfied.\"\u00a0 And, of course, her spirit is quenched. She deflates, because she can't believe that he was just so unloving.\u00a0 But the truth is, he wasn't trying to be unloving.\u00a0 He was trying to send another message that he expected her to decode.\u00a0 \"Do you still respect who I am?\"\u00a0 I mean, do you accept me, do you approve of me because of me?\u00a0 Do you like me?\u00a0 I'm beginning to feel like you don't like me.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And it's a matter of decoding that, though it's never easy.\u00a0 But the truth is the truth.\u00a0 The truth is the truth.\u00a0 He's not trying to be unloving, he's seeking reassurance that she respects him.\u00a0 She's not trying to be disrespectful, she's seeking reassurance that he loves her.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0Dennis, we've talked a number of times about how someone can be angry, and if we can ask this fundamental question \u2013 what's behind that anger?\u00a0 We can often get to the real issue rather than having conflict escalate around something that's not the real issue at all.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0You know, over three and a half decades ago Barbara and I were married, and I wish there had been a decoder ring where I could have learned that at that point.\u00a0 That would have saved us many evenings, especially during the first 10 years of our marriage when we stayed up, Emerson, very late talking, very late talking.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0You know what?\u00a0 It was just two people, really desperately missing one another.\u00a0 Now, we've ultimately got there, and we ultimately do better understand each other.\u00a0 Notice the lack of absolutes there.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0That's right, it's still a process, isn't it?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0That's exactly right.\u00a0 You learned something about how Jesus communicates love that you feel is very important for couples to understand if they're going to have good communication in their marriage relationship.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Emerson:<\/strong>\u00a0Well, again, when I wrote the book, \"Cracking the Communication Code,\" I realized communication is the number-one problem people talk about.\u00a0 So then the question was how do you apply that to marriage?\u00a0 And as I was looking at Ephesians 5, verse 22 through 33, which you know well as that greatest treatise in the New Testament on marriage, I realized Paul didn't talk about the mouth.\u00a0 And I'm thinking, \"Well, how can I write a book on communication if, in that section, there really isn't any teaching on the mouth?\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Well, every text has its context, and I suddenly realized in chapter 4 and 5, he hits the mouth, so to speak, five times with how to communicate the way Jesus communicated.\u00a0 Because he makes reference how they had learned Jesus.\u00a0 And what's even more interesting, I said to couples is you can talk the Jesus way and your spouse not respond to you.\u00a0 Jesus talked the Jesus way and not everybody responded positively to Him.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0But talking the Jesus way is going to honor God, and it's going to give you an opportunity to be clear in what you're trying to say, right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Emerson:<\/strong>\u00a0Bingo.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0And it's practical.\u00a0 Let's face it, everybody is looking for ways to practically better love their spouse, and that's what you're doing here, beginning in Ephesians 4:15 \u2013 speaking the truth in love.\u00a0 Is that your first one?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Emerson:<\/strong>\u00a0That's the first one.\u00a0 That the idea of speaking the truth in love, and he says \"Put aside falsehood,\" and he talks about the old self and the new self, and he said you've got to put off that old self.\u00a0 Part of that old self is lying.\u00a0 You know, there was this negative that in each of these Scriptures the outline is very clear.\u00a0 He said, \"Stop talking this way and start talking this way, because that's how you learn Jesus did it.\"\u00a0 Jesus, in this case, spoke truthfully, and I, in the book, talk about how Jesus always spoke what was true.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0The question now for many couples is this \u2013 can I be a love-and-respect couple and lie?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0How do couples lie, though?\u00a0 I'm just kind of rehearsing it in my own mind.\u00a0 Apart from the obvious, which is outright deceit, you know, sneaking around behind your spouse doing something.\u00a0 Are there other ways couples lie to each other?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Emerson:<\/strong>\u00a0Well, let's land on that one, because this is huge.\u00a0 There is a lot of adultery going on, a lot of divorce that we know about, and sometimes people have the attitude \u2013 a man might say, \"Look, all right, I committed adultery, you know, get over it, woman.\"\u00a0 But he's not dealing with those three years of deception, the three years of falsehood and how that's undermined trust.\u00a0 It's kind of like forgive me and let's move on, but he needs to back up and realize that the Jesus way of talking does not include deception and lying like that, and that can destroy trust in a relationship.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0So he's got to realize, as a Christ-follower, you know what?\u00a0 I was not truthful, and my wife is now struggling with trustworthiness.\u00a0 Well, when you violate the Jesus way of talking, you're going to undermine your relationship, and so you first of all have to land on the fact that this was pretty serious stuff.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0In fact, here is what's interesting, Dennis and Bob.\u00a0 Many women will say, \"I can forgive the adultery, but this untruthfulness, this is the thing that's getting to me.\u00a0 He lied to me, he betrayed me, he deceived me,\" and that is so huge.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0And many times men are very, very reticent to admit all those lies and embrace those lies and then ask for forgiveness for them.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Emerson:<\/strong>\u00a0Well, and there is a place for being prudent about what we do share but, yes, if a man is holding back, and that truth will come out later on, it devastates, because at that point you're not making confessions, you've been caught.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0You know, I think there are the obvious outright lies, the deceit, the hiding, but I think there's a hidden side to this untruthfulness that can come when a husband says, \"Is something bothering you?\" and the wife says, \"No, I'm okay.\"\u00a0 But there really is something bothering her.\u00a0 She jus doesn't want to rock the boat.\u00a0 She is afraid if she says it, it will make things uncomfortable, so she just pretends like it's not there.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0We can be not telling the truth to one another, think we're being peacemakers in the process and we're really just being peacefakers, right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Emerson:<\/strong>\u00a0That's right.\u00a0 Well, the number-one problem in marriage is not volatility, it's avoidance.\u00a0 You know, we sometimes think that the people who have the major problems are volatile.\u00a0 They're screaming.\u00a0 But research points out that sometimes those volatile couples are making a lot of healthy deposits, too.\u00a0 They're fighting on Friday night but on Monday night they're dancing with one another, so to speak.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0So they aren't as awful as they sometimes appear, whereas the avoiding couples, you know, they seem to be peaceful, but they're really not dealing truthfully, which is your point, with the issues, and that's why when we say you get on the crazy cycle, without love she reacts without respect without respect he reacts without love.\u00a0 Who is going to move first on this?\u00a0 You know, who is going to be the first to say, you know what?\u00a0 I apologize.\u00a0 I came across as unloving.\u00a0 Or will I justify towards Sarah, my wife, that I was unloving because she's so disrespectful?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And will I lie about that in a subtle way \u2013 \"Well, if you weren't so disrespectful I'd be more loving.\"\u00a0 Or should I really be truthful because the Lord wants me to be truthful, \"All right, I was unloving,\" as an end in itself and just be truthful with Sarah.\u00a0 But that takes courage.\u00a0 Being truthful like that takes courage \u2013 to confess truthfully that I was wrong takes courage, and many of us don't have that courage.\u00a0 We haven't framed it that way.\u00a0 But for the males, I say, it takes guts.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0If you're a man of honor, you will say, \"I was unloving,\" rather than saying, \"You were disrespectful and you caused me to be unloving.\"\u00a0 That's not truthful.\u00a0 Sarah doesn't cause me to be unloving.\u00a0 She reveals that I'm unloving.\u00a0 We have this principle \u2013 my response is my responsibility.\u00a0 Sarah does not cause me to be the way I am, she reveals the way I am.\u00a0 Therefore, if I am unloving in my response, it's my sinful issue that must not be blamed on Sarah.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Well, it takes guts for me to be truthful with myself and truthful before the Lord and truthful with Sarah, but that's the Jesus way of talking.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0You know, truth creates trust.\u00a0 Lies create mistrust.\u00a0 And if you've got a problem with mistrust, you've got to begin building by building upon the truth.\u00a0 There's a second set of words here you use that we need to apply in our marriage \u2013 uplifting words.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Emerson:<\/strong>\u00a0Mm-hm.\u00a0 Well, and you're noticing a t-u, and then we're going to add f-t-s, and I call it TUFTS, t-u-f-t-s because the text seem kind of move through this.\u00a0 The next thing he talks about is edifying or this idea of uplifting.\u00a0 So truthful words, uplifting words, you're going to get into forgiving words, thankful words, and scriptural words.\u00a0 Those five concepts are there.\u00a0 That's what I call the Jesus way of talking.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And I can talk that way even if Sarah doesn't respond to me.\u00a0 Sarah can talk to me that way even if I don't respond, and ultimately the Christ-follower must say, \"You know what?\u00a0 I'm going to speak the truth regardless.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0You know, there was a widow who had been married to a man who had been a deceiver.\u00a0 He died, now she was courting this other man, and she says to this man, \"If I marry you, will you be truthful?\"\u00a0 The man said whether you marry me or not I'll be truthful.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0There is this point where each of us has to come to where we say, \"You know what?\u00a0 This is what the Lord wants of me.\u00a0 The Lord wants me to speak truthfully.\"\u00a0 There are consequences of that, and sometimes, you know, you can be cruel in speaking the truth.\u00a0 Some men say, \"Well, I just tell my wife the way it is, and she can't handle it.\"\u00a0 That's truth without love.\u00a0 We must speak the truth in love.\u00a0 So the way in which you deliver it is crucial if you want to really be heard.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0This next area of uplifting or edifying \u2013 the challenge there, again, is to be uplifting toward a person even if they don't deserve it, and this is not something that we naturally do, but Christ-follower says \"You know what?\u00a0 The Lord wants me to build up my spouse, and He wants me to do this because He wants me to do this, and so I do it whether they deserve it or not.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0Now, wait, what you're talking about sounds like empty flattery.\u00a0 You know, to uplift somebody even if they don't deserve it \u2013 what am I supposed to do?\u00a0 Say you look nice when you don't or that was smart when it wasn't?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Emerson:<\/strong>\u00a0Good question, a good clarifying question.\u00a0 Let's take women out there who are listening.\u00a0 I have noticed, and perhaps you have noticed, and women will acknowledge this \u2013 over the years they begin to see the negatives.\u00a0 I think it's rooted in their mothering, their nurturing.\u00a0 They believe that God is kind of wanting them to help their husbands, and they begin to see these things about their husbands that they don't like, and they will rehearse these.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Women write me e-mails and will give me the list of issues and so on and so forth.\u00a0 Women are very list-oriented, and they'll talk among their girlfriends, they'll give the report, and they'll talk about these things, and over a period of time, they begin to fixate on that negative. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And the Lord is saying, you know, \"Is that how I view your husband?\u00a0 I want you to begin to edify him.\u00a0 I want you to begin to look at the image of God that's in him.\u00a0 I want you to begin to acknowledge some of those things there that I see in him,\" and you edify those things that are inherently worthy of that.\u00a0 It isn't falsehood, the manipulation.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0There are people out there who will apply love and respect.\u00a0 Women say, \"Oh, this respect thing.\u00a0 I guess this is another technique, this is another way to kind of get my husband to change,\" and so she'll start giving him the gift of respect.\u00a0 Why?\u00a0 Because she wants to be loved.\u00a0 No, no, no, no, that can be manipulation.\u00a0 You build him up as an end in itself.\u00a0 He needs respect just as you need love.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0What would you think of your husband who started speaking lovingly to you and at the end of the day said, \"Now can we have sex?\"\u00a0 You'd be appalled, because that's manipulation.\u00a0 That's having a hidden agenda.\u00a0 So, too, when we talk about respecting a man \u2013 you don't do that in order to get him to love you.\u00a0 The energizing cycle says his love motivates her respect and her respect motivates his love.\u00a0 That's that energizing cycle, and it does work, but you don't do it just for that sake.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Ultimately, you speak words of honor, you edify, you come across respectfully, because the Lord wants you to do that.\u00a0 But the key is to look for those areas in his life that reflect his image.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0And so what do you do with those areas like Bob is talking about where, you know, let's say he's an alcoholic.\u00a0 Let's say he's doing drugs.\u00a0 Let's say he's slapped one of the kids around, and he's been abusive.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Emerson:<\/strong>\u00a0Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0I mean, we're talking about issues that are critical issues to our children and to the future of our family here \u2013 how does that woman demonstrate respect in that situation?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Emerson:<\/strong>\u00a0Right.\u00a0 You come across respectfully and truthfully.\u00a0 This is where people have a real tough time as though somehow contempt is going to motivate a person to deal with himself.\u00a0 Jesus Christ never showed contempt toward any person.\u00a0 When you confront a person truthfully, you confront them respectfully.\u00a0 You do it lovingly, respectfully, and this is where people really get clouded in their thinking.\u00a0 We're talking about how you approach the person, we're not talking about respecting the evil behavior.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0But even in a situation where you now have gone onto the evil abuse situation, we need to come back to couples who basically have goodwill in just a moment, but in an evil situation, you can still say to that man who is an alcoholic, \"I believe in your more than you believe in yourself.\u00a0 I married you because I know deep in your soul you're a man of honor, and I see the man that God made you to be deep in your soul, and this alcoholism has your flesh.\u00a0 This is not who you are, but I am going to confront this because we cannot continue to do this.\u00a0 I am going to turn to the pastor and to authorities because I believe in you more than you believe in yourself, and if you reject me as disrespectful that's not the case.\u00a0 I believe in your more than anybody, but enough is enough.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Now, you see, you can speak respectfully, you can even edify.\u00a0 There is a message of tremendous belief and encouragement in that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0Right, that was coming through as you said that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Emerson:<\/strong>\u00a0It is huge, but, see, we aren't coaching people in how to do that.\u00a0 We somehow think that because someone has a huge major problem, that that justifies hostility and contempt as you confront them.\u00a0 That's ridiculous, and that's un-Christlike.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0You talk about how Jesus' words were forgiving, and I think we all have an understanding of the need to forgive and to verbalize forgiveness, to seek and to grant forgiveness.\u00a0 You talk about how Jesus' words were words of thanksgiving and words of gratitude and how we can express our gratefulness toward one another.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0The one on this list that I think is a little hard for us to get our arms around immediately is the idea of speaking scripturally to one another.\u00a0 What do you mean by that?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Emerson:<\/strong>\u00a0Right, right.\u00a0 Well, Paul says we speak psalms and hymns and spiritual songs and so on and so forth.\u00a0 So he's talking there about the fact that you speak what are biblical truths, truths from Abba Father.\u00a0 I mean, when Jesus was tempted, He said, \"It is written,\" it is written, it is written.\u00a0 Jesus was forever asking, \"Have you not read,\" have you not read.\u00a0 So I think in relationship to one another, you don't preach at one another, but you come to one another.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Like Don Moen wrote the song, \"God Will Make a Way,\" and there are times where Sarah had a double mastectomy, and she had cancer, and so we would get together, \"God will make a way.\"\u00a0 You quoted a song in this case, a contemporary song, but it's rooted in the truth of scripture.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0So speaking biblically means, \"I am going to try to think is there a promise of Scripture that we should be holding onto?\u00a0 Should we be saying God will cause all things to work together for good?\"\u00a0 That we use the Scripture in relationship to one another rather than, you know, we adopt the world's way.\u00a0 \"I'm going to be vindictive, I'm going to retaliate, I'm going to divorce that bum.\"\u00a0 There are issues that we begin to speak and think so unbiblically, and we end up taking our life and our family down a course that will be very destructive.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0That's exactly right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0You know, sometimes this can seem almost trite to somebody.\u00a0 I'm thinking of a husband whose wife may be having a no-good, very bad day, and that person says, \"Well, honey, the joy of the Lord needs to be your strength,\" and the wife is going, \"That is not the Scripture I needed at this point in time.\"\u00a0 We have to be wise in terms of how we speak scripturally to one another, don't we?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Emerson:<\/strong>\u00a0Oh, profoundly so.\u00a0 I mean, that's exactly right.\u00a0 Satan himself misused the Scripture in the temptation of Jesus.\u00a0 So you can use the Scripture in a way that clubs people and it's very superficial, and I think as adults we understand that.\u00a0 We're talking about a genuineness here that I really want to talk the Jesus way.\u00a0 Whether my spouse receives it or not, I want to be humble about this, I want to be uplifting, I want to be encouraging, but I want to be biblical about this.\u00a0 And you can do with humility, you can do it with self-deprecation.\u00a0 I'm struggling with this as well.\u00a0 So that's the tenor that we're seeking to convey here.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0You know, it occurred to me as we're wrapping things up here that we kind of began our program today in jest talking about a decoder ring.\u00a0 That's just like us as human beings \u2013 to want something we can rub or look into or that's magical or mystical and pop! Bingo! The answer is there.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0The Bible, on the other hand, over in Proverbs, chapter 2, talks about seeking and searching and trying to find wisdom.\u00a0 What you've really imparted to our audience, Emerson, over the past few days is really skill in everyday living in the most intimate of relationships \u2013 marriage.\u00a0 And you've given people much better understanding of one another, but also of really how God expects us to be able to love and to be able to respect, and, personally, I just appreciate you, your ministry, and I'm glad you're out there and trust God's favor will be upon you, and we encourage our listeners to pray for Emerson and Sarah.\u00a0 They have to be in the enemy's sights and have to be a target in the spiritual battle.\u00a0 Stand firm, we need you, and the body of Christ needs this message.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0Yeah, I think many in the body of Christ have indicated how much we need this message because they bought a lot of copies of your first book, \"Love and Respect,\" which, by the way, we have in our FamilyLife Resource Center, and if our listeners haven't read a copy of \"Love and Respect,\" it's a great book, a very helpful book on marriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And we also have the new book, \"Cracking the Communication Code.\"\u00a0 It's in our FamilyLife Resource Center as well.\u00a0 If you're interested in either or both of these books, you can go to our website, which is FamilyLife.com, and if you click the red button that says \"Go\" that you see in the middle of the home page, that will take you to an area of the site where there is more information about these books.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0You can order them online, if you'd like.\u00a0 There is also information about your brand-new book that you've written with your wife, Barbara, which is called \"Moments With You,\" that provides a practical way to practice healthy communication, and that is by reading a daily devotional together as a couple, and then there are some discussion questions at the end of the devotional, and an opportunity for you to pray together as a couple.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0It's the follow-up to the bestselling book, \"Moments Together for Couples.\"\u00a0 This one is called \"Moments With You,\" and it's available in our FamilyLife Resource Center as well.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0So if you're interested in any of these books, go to FamilyLife.com, click the red button, it says \"Go.\"\u00a0 You'll find it in the middle of the home page, and it will take you to the area of the site where you can order these resources online from us, or you can call 1-800-FLTODAY.\u00a0 1-800-358-6329, that's 1-800-F-as-in-family, L-as-in-life, and then the word TODAY, and we'll make arrangements to have any of these resources that you're interested in sent out to you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0You know, we are, what, four weeks away from Thanksgiving, is tomorrow four weeks before the Thanksgiving holiday, and I wanted to let our listeners know that this month if you are able to help FamilyLife Today with a donation of any amount, we have a Thanksgiving gift we'd like to send you.\u00a0 It's an audiobook.\u00a0 It's the audiobook version of the book, \"Thanksgiving, a Time to Remember\" by Barbara Rainey.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0In fact, this is a dramatic retelling of the Thanksgiving story that is something that many families have enjoyed over the past few years, something you can listen to as you drive to school each morning or as you're out driving around during the Thanksgiving season or listen to it on Thanksgiving Day as a family.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0We would love to send you this CD as a way of saying thank you for your financial support of the ministry of FamilyLife Today.\u00a0 We're listener-supported, and so those donations are critical for the ongoing work of this ministry to keep it on this station and on other stations all across the country.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0If you're making a donation online at FamilyLife.com, and you'd like to receive the audiobook, just type the word \"remember\" in the keycode box, and we'll know to send you a copy of that audiobook, or call 1-800-FLTODAY, you can make a donation over the phone and, again, just mention that you'd like the Thanksgiving audiobook.\u00a0 We're happy to send it out to you, and we appreciate your financial support of the ministry of FamilyLife Today.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Well, tomorrow we're going to have a movie star join us.\u00a0 He is the star of a brand-new movie called \"Bella\" that opens this weekend in theaters, in selected theaters around the country.\u00a0 It's a past winner of the People's Choice Award at the Toronto Film Festival, and it's a great story that affirms the value of all life.\u00a0 We'll talk more about that tomorrow with our guest, Eduardo Verastegui.\u00a0 I hope you can be with us for that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0I want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team.\u00a0 On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 We'll see you back tomorrow for another edition of FamilyLife Today. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0FamilyLife Today is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas, a ministry of Campus Crusade for Christ.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t____________________________________________________________\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts for you. However, there is a cost to transcribe, create, and produce them for our website. If you've benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright \u00a9 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>www.FamilyLife.com<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>","theme_header_position":"","post_header_is_sticky":"","is_header_overlay":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast\/301452","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/podcast"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/91"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=301452"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/294104"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=301452"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=301452"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=301452"},{"taxonomy":"podcast_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast_series?post=301452"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=301452"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=301452"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}