{"id":301449,"date":"2007-10-12T11:00:00","date_gmt":"2007-10-12T15:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/bullies-and-protectors\/"},"modified":"2007-10-12T11:00:00","modified_gmt":"2007-10-12T15:00:00","slug":"bullies-and-protectors","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/bullies-and-protectors\/","title":{"rendered":"Bullies and Protectors"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Did you ever get into a fight?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2007-10-12.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:","filesize":"12.65M","filesize_raw":"13263422","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2850],"tags":[4350],"podcast_series":[],"cwp_profile":[9087],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-301449","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-character-development","tag-character","cwp_profile-paul-coughlin","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/301449\/bullies-and-protectors","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/301449\/bullies-and-protectors","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"na3nO74pxN\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/bullies-and-protectors\/\">Bullies and Protectors<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/bullies-and-protectors\/embed\/#?secret=na3nO74pxN\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Bullies and Protectors&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"na3nO74pxN\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var 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Story\"]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tScut:\u00a0Farkas.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGover:\u00a0Farkas!\u00a0 What a rotten name!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[screams]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNarrator:\u00a0In our world, you were either a bully, a toadie, or one of a nameless rabble of victims.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0In real life, bullies can leave real scars or they can inspire nobility.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMan:\u00a0When I was in fourth grade, there was this kid, Ben Jordan, and he sucker-punched me and gave me a black eye.\u00a0 So after that I started lifting weights and working out and ended up becoming one of the stronger kids in school.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0So, years later, in high school, there was this bully picking on this younger kid, and he was in the middle of his backswing, and I came up behind him, and I grabbed his fist, and said, \"I don't think so.\"\u00a0 And, after that, no one ever tried to pick a fight with me again.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0This is FamilyLife Today for Friday, October 12th.\u00a0 Our host is the president of FamilyLife, Dennis Rainey, and I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 We're going to talk about bullies today and about what we can do, as parents, to help our children know how to respond.\u00a0 Stay with us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[clip from \"A Christmas Story\"]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And welcome to FamilyLife Today, thanks for joining us on the Friday edition.\u00a0 Did you ever get in a fight on the school playground?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0No, but walking home from school one day, I'll never forget Mark and Teddy, they caught me at the corner of Adams and \u2013 I forget the other street \u2026 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Two of them?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Yeah, and they tried to make me eat a dead sparrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Really?\u00a0 How old were you?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0My best guess is that I was eight, maybe nine years of age.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0And were they older than you?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0One of them was.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Bigger than you?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Both of them were.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0So \u2013 how was the sparrow?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0They didn't achieve their objective, but what did happen is I had an experience with bullies.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Really?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Yup, and as a result, I've had a heart for Christian families to train their sons, especially, but their daughters, also, in terms of being wise about knowing how to protect themselves.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0You're talking about not being a bully but also not backing down from one.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Absolutely, knowing what to do when a bully tries to intimidate you, take advantage of you, terrorize you, because there are bullies in this culture today.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0I got to the 7th grade, and Keith Humphries got me in the boys' bathroom one day.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0You're going to mention his last name here on the broadcast.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Yeah, I'll take him down today, if he wants to go.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0You'll notice, I did not mention Teddy or Mark's last name. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tPaul:\u00a0They know who they are.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Keith wanted my lunch money, and I didn't know what to do.\u00a0 I mean, I think he was telling me that he wanted, like, tomorrow's lunch money.\u00a0 When I showed up tomorrow, he was going to get my lunch money, and I went home, and I remember talking to my mom and dad about what do I do?\u00a0 And they said, \"You stand up to him, and you tell him no.\"\u00a0 And I said, \"Well, he may hit me,\" and they said, \"Well, you hit him back.\"\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And I stood up to Keith the next day, and he backed down, and we were friends the rest of junior high.\u00a0 And it was one of those deals, it was one of those defining moments where you learn to look fear in the face and say, \"This doesn't scare me all that much.\u00a0 Okay, what's the worst that can happen?\u00a0 You get a little knot on the head, or you get a little sore lip, and move on, right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Right, right, right, and you take a step toward manhood in the process of defending yourself, because for the rest of your life, whether you're a young man or a young lady, you need to know how to defend yourself, and we've got a kindred spirit guest with us \u2013 Paul Coughlin.\u00a0 Paul, welcome to the broadcast.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tPaul:\u00a0Thank you very much.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Paul is a speaker around the country to men's groups.\u00a0 He has written a book called \"Christian Nice Guy,\" or is \"No More Christian Nice Guy.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tPaul:\u00a0\"No More Christian Nice Guy.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0And this book, \"No More Jellyfish, Chickens, or Wimps.\"\u00a0 I kind of like the title \u2013 \"Raising Secure, Assertive Kids in a Tough World.\"\u00a0 It's got a chapter, this book does, Paul, that you wrote, called \"The Truth About Bullies and Victims,\" and I just like it.\u00a0 You know, it just kind of smells like masculinity in here as you open this part of the book.\u00a0 You really are challenging young men to step up and be protectors, aren't you?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tPaul:\u00a0I am.\u00a0 As a matter of fact, I started an organization called \"The Protectors\" and, with it, it is a faith-based response to school-based bullying.\u00a0 I believe that bullying, public school bullying \u2013 it also happens in private school, even Christian schools, I've got letters from teachers, administrators, and students.\u00a0 I believe it is the next move in America's noble civil rights movement because children are literally having their rights taken away to access \u2013 equal access to an education because of bullying and the fear that bullying puts into a child's mind.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Do you think Christian kids, those who grow up in the church and been raised in a Christian family, are more likely to be bullied than other kids?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tPaul:\u00a0If they adhere to certain beliefs, if they adhere to a whole \"gentle Jesus meek and mild\" philosophy, yes \u2013 particularly the whole notion of turning the cheek.\u00a0 You know, we've taken that text, that statement of Jesus', and I think we've really tortured it.\u00a0 We have made it sound that we cannot protect ourselves; that if someone were to physically hit us, that we have to turn our cheek and let them hit us again.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0By the way, that's not what Jesus did when He was standing before the high priest.\u00a0 He apparently said something that the guards did not like \u2013 so much so that the guard slapped Him on the face.\u00a0 What did Jesus do?\u00a0 He didn't, literally, turn his cheek.\u00a0 He verbally defended Himself.\u00a0 He said, \"Everything I've done, I've done in public.\u00a0 So if I've done nothing in secret, why do you strike me?\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0He rebuked the guard.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tPaul:\u00a0He did, He rebuked him.\u00a0 And so what that statement really means is that we're not supposed to return an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, we're not supposed to be vengeful people.\u00a0 Being vengeful is loserspeak \u2013 it's not good for us, and it's not good for other people.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Defending yourself from a bully is not being vengeful; it is simply self-protection.\u00a0 So it is definitely within a Christian's worldview to defend themselves.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Okay, so you've got a Christian little boy like Dennis, who is walking home from school, and they've got the sparrow, and they say, \"If you don't eat this sparrow, we're going to stuff it down your throat.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tPaul:\u00a0Yeah.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0What would you coach a dad to coach a son to do in that situation?\u00a0 And you ought to do it proactively because you can't \u2013 it's one of those things you can't really handle after the fact.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tPaul:\u00a0After the fact, right.\u00a0 Well, first of all, what I can tell from Dennis, as far as I can tell, he doesn't fit the usual being bullied profile.\u00a0 I doubt that you were bullied regularly.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0No.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tPaul:\u00a0We've all been bullied.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0No, but Mark was a bully.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tPaul:\u00a0Yeah, Mark was a bully.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0He bullied everybody in the school, and I think, frankly, I knew a little bit about his home he came from, and even as a young man, although I was not really mature enough to think all this through, I kind of understood why he was an angry boy.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tPaul:\u00a0Yeah, bullies give what they got, usually.\u00a0 Most kids who are bullies are bullied at home.\u00a0 So what we do here, we don't want to give a bully the emotional display that they're looking for.\u00a0 Eighty-five percent of bullying takes place in front of other people.\u00a0 Bullies get a rush of power when the other person shows pain in front of them and particularly in front of the theater of all the bystanders.\u00a0 Then we only have one other person in this situation.\u00a0 Don't give them what they're looking for.\u00a0 Do not give them that emotional display.\u00a0 Eat the emotions, if you have to.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Do not show fear.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tPaul:\u00a0Don't show fear, show confidence, if at all possible, and in this case, he's standing before two much larger boys \u2013 run as fast as you can.\u00a0 Just get out.\u00a0 It's a no-win situation.\u00a0 You can try to go toe-to-toe with them and, of course, I think it's okay, it's good for Christians to defend themselves physically against someone who is, again, trying to beat them up.\u00a0 But in this case, you probably aren't going to win, so you would have to be wise as a serpent in a situation like that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0So if you run, though, aren't you being a coward?\u00a0 Aren't you giving the bully the upper hand?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tPaul:\u00a0Well, I don't think so.\u00a0 I think that it's discretion in a situation like that.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0You're living to fight another day, huh?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tPaul:\u00a0I think you're living to fight another day there.\u00a0 It makes sense that \u2013 again, and if you're running because you're preserving your value as a person, I don't think that's necessarily \u2013 we're not talking we're in the military here, that if you run, other people are going to be hurt.\u00a0 We're talking \u2013 it's a unique childhood situation, actually, that's common to all children.\u00a0 So I think running in that situation is just fine.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Did you run when that happened?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0No.\u00a0 No, I stood my ground, and I attempted \u2013 I do remember being very afraid, and I showed my fear.\u00a0 Yeah, I think I went home that day in tears.\u00a0 But it made such an impact on me that I thought, you know, when my sons get old enough to experience this, I really want them to have some sense of knowing what they ought to do in that situation, and, I must say, Paul, that knowing the Bible and grappling over some of these passages, Scripture that says not insult for insult but giving a blessing instead and \"love is patient, love is kind.\" \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0It actually took me a number of years, I think, before I understood that love does have boundaries.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tPaul:\u00a0Absolutely.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0You can be a loving person, and you can say \"No further.\u00a0 No, you're not coming past there.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0In fact, that can be the most loving response.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0That's exactly right, and I think the Christian community many times gets this gravely wrong because they wrap love in a defenseless, borderless, no fences, no protection.\u00a0 And if someone broke in to my house, I'm going to defend my house.\u00a0 Why wouldn't you defend your life?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tPaul:\u00a0The Ten Commandments, most of them are built around the notion that I begin and end and another person begins and ends.\u00a0 Which is another way of saying boundaries, we have boundaries, and we must respect those boundaries.\u00a0 God Himself wants these boundaries to be respected.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0I want to read something from your book.\u00a0 It's about cowardice.\u00a0 You say \"Cowardice is the enemy of courage.\u00a0 Cowardice makes us feel\" \u2013 I like this, Bob \u2013 \"sludge-like.\u00a0 It erodes our integrity and our dignity.\u00a0 It mortifies our souls and diminishes our self-regard.\u00a0 Odd that we wouldn't be already focusing on this in an age where self-esteem is an already untouchable sacred cow, it seems we're all for bolstering self-esteem in our kids until it comes to the exercise of courage, the virtue upon which all other virtues depend.\" \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tPaul:\u00a0You cannot love \u2013 well, you can't get to agape love, deep and abiding love, without courage, because in order to get to deep and abiding love, you have to take risks.\u00a0 Courage gives you the action, the spirit, the animation to take that risk. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And so when we want us to be loving people, and we should be loving people, we must realize that courage is the virtue that underpins all the great virtues of our lives.\u00a0 But yet ask yourself this question \u2013 when was the last time you heard a sermon on courage?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Yeah.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Okay, let me take you inside the Coughlin Bully Training Institute.\u00a0 You have three children, right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tPaul:\u00a0I do.\u00a0 I have two boys and a girl.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0And have you had conversations with them about bullies?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tPaul:\u00a0Yes.\u00a0 They have our go-ahead, our green light, to defend their God-given value.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0And how did you, as a dad, communicate that to them?\u00a0 Was this around the dinner table?\u00a0 Was it \u2013 did you have an after-dinner, everybody gather around, I want to talk to you about bullies?\u00a0 What did you do?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tPaul:\u00a0It would be both, sure.\u00a0 That's part of our regular conversation.\u00a0 My wife is a fantastic host in our home not only of other people but of our own children.\u00a0 We have regular dinners.\u00a0 That's where life gets hashed out, and they have the freedom to defend themselves.\u00a0 They have the freedom and, in fact, argue the obligation to defend others when they are being attacked.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Okay, so if one of your children, you have three, raised their hand and said, \"Daddy, what's a bully?\u00a0 What does a bully do?\"\u00a0 How would you answer it?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tPaul:\u00a0A bully wants to strip you of your dignity, whether that is physical \u2013 actually, most bullying is not physical, it's verbal and emotional, and now with cyber-bullying which tends to be preferred, by far, by girls more than boys.\u00a0 It's prevalent; it's pervasive.\u00a0 Some kids \u2013 there's a new term in our lexicon, unfortunately, it's called bullycide, it is death by bullying.\u00a0 Kids are actually taking their lives because of this, so, again, it's no laughing matter.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0So my kids are free to defend themselves against such things, and I will step in if I need to as well.\u00a0 In fact, one kid was bullying two of my kids coming home from school, and I met them down there, and I put my arm around the young man, because, keep in mind, many bullies don't want to be bullies.\u00a0 As you spoke earlier, Dennis, they are giving what they got, right?\u00a0 And so we need to speak the truth in love to people, but we need to be truthful.\u00a0 My kids are valuable.\u00a0 That's the truth.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0So what did you say to the young man?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tPaul:\u00a0I put my arm around him, and I just said, \"Hey, listen, my kids are complaining about you, about doing this kind of stuff.\u00a0 Listen, I don't know what's going on at this point but, from now on, it's not going to happen anymore, right?\"\u00a0 I did not go after him, I was not \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0You didn't say \"If you touch my kids\" \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tPaul:\u00a0Why hit someone with a sword when pointing the sword will work.\u00a0 I pointed the sword of truth at him and said, \"You're not going to do this.\"\u00a0 I put the boundaries around my kids, and we never heard from him again.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0One illustration of bullying is teasing.\u00a0 Words can really be used in harmful ways in kids' lives, and one of my daughters was being teased by a guy who was making fun of her body because she, as a young lady, was not yet fully blossomed out, and I'd heard enough.\u00a0 And so I called the young man on the phone, and the father answered the phone.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0I said, \"This is Mr. Rainey, is your son there?\"\u00a0 He said, \"Yes.\"\u00a0 I said, \"Could you please put him on the line.\"\u00a0 He put him on the line, and I said, \"Young man, I want you to know my daughter is made in the image of God.\u00a0 She is a beautiful person, and I want you to know I love her.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tPaul:\u00a0Amen.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0\"And I want you to be careful about how you speak to her.\u00a0 Cut out the word.\u00a0 Got it?\"\u00a0 \"Got it.\"\u00a0 And before the conversation was over, the dad actually asked to speak to me.\u00a0 He said, \"What was that about?\"\u00a0 I said, \"Well, your son was using some unflattering words with my daughter and, personally, I don't appreciate it, and we were just having a little man-to-man talk here.\"\u00a0 He said, \"Good.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tPaul:\u00a0Amen.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Now, you've got to be careful with those things.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tPaul:\u00a0Understood.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0I think any adult man \u2013 I think it is okay to point the sword.\u00a0 I don't know about getting beyond the pointing of the sword.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tPaul:\u00a0Understood.\u00a0 I think you were being truthful and loving.\u00a0 Your daughter is valuable, you were being loving at the same time.\u00a0 You weren't insulting him, you were speaking the truth to him and, chances are, more people need to do that for that young man.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Okay, let's talk about training your sons \u2013 let's go back to the Coughlin Institute of Bullying Training to defend yourself.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0BTI, the Bully Training Institute.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0There you go.\u00a0 I think we just launched something significant.\u00a0 You know what?\u00a0 I honestly believe \u2013 and we were kind of laughing about this, Bob, but the dinner table ought to be a BTI.\u00a0 It really ought to tackle the real issues of life and talk about what the Bible says and talk about real love and real life and real defense.\u00a0 So how would you train your sons?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tPaul:\u00a0Well, of course, they've got the green light to physically defend themselves but, again, most bullying is not physical, it is verbal.\u00a0 So they need to have some verbal skills in front of bullies.\u00a0 Some of the best things to do, the main thing to do in this case is not to show fear and sometimes you have to disguise it.\u00a0 I've had my son say, \"Well, that's not being truthful.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0You do not owe everyone complete disclosure of how you feel.\u00a0 You can go ahead and keep some of that stuff to yourself and put on a show.\u00a0 In this case, what you would want to do is don't say a lot of words with bullies.\u00a0 If someone is verbally attacking you, a great word to use is \"whatever.\"\u00a0 It dismisses the attack but it does not return an insult.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Bob Dole, when he was running for president did a great job of bringing that word into our vocabulary.\u00a0 Do not have long conversations with bullies, walk away from their presence, do not give them the emotional display that they are really, really looking for.\u00a0 Don't hang around them, get out of their presence but do so with confidence.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0I like your answer, because the word \"whatever,\" most parents listening to this right now are going, \"there is a great use of the word.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Train your son to say, \"Oh, whatever.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tPaul:\u00a0That's right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0What else can a dad do with his son to train him?\u00a0 What if he gets slugged?\u00a0 All right?\u00a0 He gets hit.\u00a0 He's coming at him, and it's one-on-one?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tPaul:\u00a0Well, I would say that at the younger ages, returning that is all right, because the damage done is not too bad.\u00a0 As you get into the older ages, fist-to-fist with older boys, you can do some real damage in that case. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Obviously, defend themselves.\u00a0 If it's happening regularly, martial arts \u2013 I don't think there could be a better answer for such a thing.\u00a0 It teaches them this inner confidence, a better way to hold themselves.\u00a0 I've seen it in numerous boys where they really are transformed \u2013 not overnight, but within a few months, six months, nine months, a year, they feel so much better about themselves.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0I just was reflecting back \u2013 I had one other bullying experience growing up.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Yeah?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0And it was after I was in college, and I had a guy who, I believe, competed with me all the way through high school and who was very jealous of me.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tPaul:\u00a0Does this involve a girl?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0It does involve a girl.\u00a0 It does involve a girl, and I'll not tell you what he did, because \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0You're not going to call him out on the radio.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0I'm not going to call him out on the radio.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tPaul:\u00a0But he knows who he is.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Because I know who he is, and he does, too.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0But it's a good illustration of when you haven't had the training because I lost my cool.\u00a0 The guy bullied me and bullied me and bullied me, and finally I just kind of snapped and just got fiercely angry \u2013 got into a fight.\u00a0 I'm embarrassed today, honestly, of what happened, as a man.\u00a0 But as a man who had been pushed and pushed and pushed and pushed, it's all the more reason why we need to make sure from a biblical standpoint, we're training our sons about what real manhood really is.\u00a0 Yes, you can protect yourself without doing something harmful and dangerous to yourself or the other person.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tPaul:\u00a0And I think what's key to your story there is you were pushed and pushed and pushed.\u00a0 If there had been a confrontation early on, you probably wouldn't have lost your cool.\u00a0 If you had gone at it right away, and said, \"You know, I'm sensing something here.\u00a0 Tell me if I\u2019m wrong.\u00a0 I'm seeing you're doing these sort of things, and it ain't funny to me.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Yeah, well \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tPaul:\u00a0You're keeping the other person's dignity intact.\u00a0 When you talked about the dining room conversations, one of the things with my boys in defending themselves, and also with my daughter is to keep the other person's dignity intact, go ahead and disagree, but don't try to strip them of their worth.\u00a0 I think that's one of the worst things we can do to another person.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0One of the proudest moments of my life is when my daughter came home with a scratch on her face, and we said, \"How did you get that, baby?\"\u00a0 Well, some kids in her class were making fun of a girl who had half an arm.\u00a0 They were picking on her, and my daughter stood up \u2013 they were actually physically picking on her in the playground.\u00a0 My daughter stood between that kid with half an arm, and she sat there, and she took the blows, and she returned them, she pushed them back.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Wow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tPaul:\u00a0I was asked to speak in her class as an author \u2013 what do authors do.\u00a0 And I went into the classroom and told them my thing, and then the teacher said, \"This is Abby's father.\u00a0 What do you think of Abby?\"\u00a0 And the kid who got picked on raised her good hand and said, \"I think Abby is a good person.\"\u00a0 And, of course, she would.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Well, she was a graduate of the BTI.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0I think there are probably going to be some BTIs that take place around the dinner table tonight.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0I think there will be some discussions.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Some moms and dads say we need a little bully training \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Talk about it.\u00a0 You don't have to know all the answers to all the issues.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0You can get a copy of Paul's book, and it will walk you through \u2013 \"No More Jellyfish, Chickens, or Wimps.\"\u00a0 That's kind of the BTI training manual.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0And, Paul, you're no wimp, and I want to thank you for writing this book and being on the broadcast.\u00a0 Way to go.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tPaul:\u00a0Thanks for having me.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0All right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0We've got copies of the book in our FamilyLife Resource Center, and if our listeners are interested in getting a copy, go online to FamilyLife.com, click the red button you see on the home page that says \"Go,\" where you'll find information about the book.\u00a0 You can order online, if you'd like.\u00a0 Again, the title of the book is \"No More Jellyfish, Chickens, or Wimps,\" and you can find information online at FamilyLife.com.\u00a0 Click the red \"Go\" button in the middle of the screen or call us at 1-800-FLTODAY, 1-800-358-6329.\u00a0 That's 1-800-F-as-in-family, L-as-in-life, and then the word TODAY and we can make arrangements to get a copy of this book sent out to you.\u00a0 You may want to get a copy of today's program, too, and listen to it around the dinner table.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0You can either listen online, just stream the program, or if you want to download it, you can download it as well.\u00a0 Again, our website is FamilyLife.com or call us at 1-800-FLTODAY.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0You know, we hear from listeners every day here at FamilyLife Today, and many of you, when you contact us either to request a resource or to register for an upcoming conference or just contact us with a question or a comment about the ministry of FamilyLife Today.\u00a0 Many of you are also generous to support the ministry with a donation.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0We're listener-supported, and so when folks like you call in and can help with a donation, it helps keep this program on this station and on other stations all across the country.\u00a0 And this month we have been making available a thank you gift to those who are able to make a donation of any amount for the ministry of FamilyLife Today.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0It's a two-CD series from Dennis and Barbara Rainey.\u00a0 On one CD Dennis talks to husbands about what we can do, as men, to be the man God wants us to be in our marriage and in our family, and on the other CD Barbara talks to wives about what a wife can do to help her husband be that man.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0If you'd like to receive a copy of these two CDs, you can request it when you make a donation this month of any amount.\u00a0 You can either do that online at FamilyLife.com, and if you do that, as you fill out the online donation form, you'll come to a keycode box.\u00a0 Just type the word \"steps\" in there, and that way we'll know to send you these CDs.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Or call 1-800-FLTODAY, make your donation over the phone and mention that you'd like the CDs we were talking about, and we'll be sure to get them out to you.\u00a0 Again, we appreciate your partnership with us.\u00a0 Thanks for your financial support of this ministry.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And, with that, we've got to wrap things up for today.\u00a0 I hope you have a great weekend, I hope you and your family are able to worship together this weekend, and I hope you can be back with us on Monday when Shaunti Feldhahn and Lisa Rice are going to join us, and we're going to go on a dangerous journey into the mind [echo] of a teenager.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[screams]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0We'll find out what teenagers are thinking about their moms and dads and how we ought to respond to that as parents.\u00a0 I hope you can be with us for that conversation.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0I want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team.\u00a0 On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 Have a great weekend, and we'll see you Monday for another edition of FamilyLife Today. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0FamilyLife Today is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas, a ministry of Campus Crusade for Christ. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t_______________________________________________________________\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts for you. However, there is a cost to transcribe, create, and produce them for our website. If you've benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright \u00a9 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>www.FamilyLife.com<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>","theme_header_position":"","post_header_is_sticky":"","is_header_overlay":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast\/301449","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/podcast"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/91"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=301449"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/294104"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=301449"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=301449"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=301449"},{"taxonomy":"podcast_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast_series?post=301449"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=301449"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=301449"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}