{"id":301433,"date":"2007-09-13T11:00:00","date_gmt":"2007-09-13T15:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/caring-a-source-of-conflict\/"},"modified":"2007-09-13T11:00:00","modified_gmt":"2007-09-13T15:00:00","slug":"caring-a-source-of-conflict","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/caring-a-source-of-conflict\/","title":{"rendered":"Caring, a Source of Conflict"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Disagreements.  We all have them, but it&#8217;s how we handle them that counts.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2007-09-13.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:","filesize":"10.76M","filesize_raw":"11283274","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2902],"tags":[2918,4969],"podcast_series":[7539],"cwp_profile":[3233],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-301433","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-resolving-conflict","tag-conflict","tag-responsibility","podcast_series-seven-conflicts-of-marriage","cwp_profile-tim-and-joy-downs","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/301433\/caring-a-source-of-conflict","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/301433\/caring-a-source-of-conflict","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"utSgapBNY6\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/caring-a-source-of-conflict\/\">Caring, a Source of Conflict<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/caring-a-source-of-conflict\/embed\/#?secret=utSgapBNY6\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Caring, a Source of Conflict&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"utSgapBNY6\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":["https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg",508,508,false]},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"kfairris@familylife.com","author_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/author\/kfairrisfamilylife-com\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"Disagreements. We all have them, but it's how we handle them that counts.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2007-09-13.pdf","transcript_content":"<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0You can save $60 per couple off the regular registration fee for one of our upcoming FamilyLife Weekend to Remember Marriage Conferences.\u00a0 We're going to be hosting these in more than 60 cities this fall all across the country, and a lot of our listeners have been calling to say, \"We want to attend the conference, and we want to take advantage of the special offer.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0In addition to the savings on registration, we're going to make available to each of the folks who call and register a copy of Dennis and Barbara Rainey's new book, \"Moments With You.\"\u00a0 It's the sequel to the bestselling book, \"Moments Together for Couples,\" and it's not in stores yet.\u00a0 It should be available in the next couple of weeks and as soon as it is available, we'll make arrangements to get a copy to folks who register for one of these upcoming conferences.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0So if you'd like to call us, find out more about when a conference is coming to a city near where you live or register today and save $60 per couple off the regular registration fee, you'll get a copy of this new book as well, you can call 1-800-FLTODAY, identify yourself as a FamilyLife Today listener.\u00a0 It's 1-800-358-6329.\u00a0 You can also get more information or register online at FamilyLife.com.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0If you're registering online, we need you to identify yourself as a FamilyLife Today listener, and you can do that by typing my name, that's \"Bob.\"\u00a0 Just type that word into the keycode box on your registration form, and as soon as you do that, we'll make sure that you get the special offer, the savings, along with the brand-new book, \"Moments With You.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Don't forget, this offer is good through this week so we need to hear from you today or tomorrow or, by the latest, on the weekend.\u00a0 The number is 1-800-FLTODAY or register online at FamilyLife.com.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And we're talking about marriage this week, we're talking about conflict in marriage, and one of the things that can create conflict in a marriage is when we don't live up to one another's expectations, and that can cause us to wonder if our spouse really does care about us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tRachel:\u00a0[from audiotape.]\u00a0 When Jake and I were first married, I thought it would be nice if he would call me from the office from time to time.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJake:\u00a0One day Rachel asked me, \"If you think of me during the day, why don't you call me?\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tRachel:\u00a0And he said, \"Because I don't think of you.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJake:\u00a0That was a big win.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tRachel:\u00a0I thought, as a newlywed, I might have made a little more of an impression.\u00a0 I knew that Jake had a tendency to get lost in his work, but I guess I thought I might accidentally pop into his thoughts once in a while.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJake:\u00a0I did start calling her after that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tRachel:\u00a0That was very nice.\u00a0 Then one day I realized that he had put a post-it note on his phone that said, \"Call Rachel,\" that's when I realized that he hadn't spontaneously started to think about me.\u00a0 He was just obeying a sign like, \"Pay electric bill.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJake:\u00a0Isn't the important thing that I called?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tRachel:\u00a0I don't need more phone calls, I just want to know that you care.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJake:\u00a0Hm, caring.\u00a0 Rachel and I have had a lot of discussions about caring.\u00a0 To put it bluntly, I will never care as much as Rachel does about anything.\u00a0 Rachel is a very caring person.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tRachel:\u00a0Sometimes I wish I could care less, because it takes a lot of energy to care about everything.\u00a0 But I'm not sure how to turn it off.\u00a0 I do wish that I could \"mind-meld\" some of my caring into Jake so I don't have to do it all myself all the time.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJake:\u00a0Hey, I do care.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tRachel:\u00a0Yes, you do, but sometimes I have to ask you to.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJake:\u00a0By the way, how did you know about the post-it note on my phone?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tRachel:\u00a0I listen to your voice.\u00a0 I care.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[musical transition] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0What do you think?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0I am remembering some phone calls that I've made when I've been away from town \u2013 I've been out of town, and I'll call home because that's what you're supposed to do when you're out of town, you're supposed to call home, right?\u00a0 Check in and see how things are.\u00a0 Halfway through the phone call, Mary Ann will say, \"So what are you watching?\"\u00a0 And I'm thinking, \"How does she know I'm\" \u2013 I've got the TV on mute.\u00a0 She can't hear anything.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And she knows that I'm watching something because \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0You're not fully connected.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Yeah, I'm not really engaged in that conversation.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0You know, that's the problem with marriage sometimes.\u00a0 You get to know each other so well.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0I hate that, don't you?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0You can read the mail without being there.\u00a0 Have you ever wondered why God commanded a husband to love his wife in such a way that she is nourished and cherished?\u00a0 Have you every wondered that?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Yeah, I've wondered that.\u00a0 You got an answer for me?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Because they're different from a man, and you don't think of a man needing to be nourished or cherished.\u00a0 Now, we have a need \u2013 a need for a man biblically to be respected by his wife, but a wife really needs to feel cherished.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0You're talking about her feeling cared for.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Nourished, right, right.\u00a0 And, Bob, if you could speak with any couple in the universe about how to care for a woman in marriage and how to express this so that they wouldn't experience conflict, what couple would you want to interview?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0I'd probably talk to Percy Sledge, you know, because he said when a man loves a woman, he'll sleep out all night in the rain for her.\u00a0 We're talking real caring there, you know what I'm saying?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Percy Sledge sings in background]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0No, I don't, Bob.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0You never heard of Percy Sledge, have you?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0I have heard it somewhere, but I don't think that he'd fit in our radio program.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Have you got a better suggestion for me?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0How about Tim and Joy Downs?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Well, they've done a great job this week as we've been talking about the seven conflicts that exist in marriage relationships, and that's really the premise of one of the two books you've written on conflict.\u00a0 You've said that these issues just pop back up again and again in our face.\u00a0 Welcome back to the program and tell us how you got to these seven as THE seven, Tim.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTim:\u00a0Well, it's history.\u00a0 We just found in disagreeing over hundreds of things over the course of 22 years of marriage, finally we began to sort them all out and say, you know what?\u00a0 We don't disagree about everything.\u00a0 We disagree about seven things, that's all, and we can really get somewhere if we start talking about the seven instead of the hundreds of different things.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0And, Joy, then, when you went to a couple of thousand couples who were attending Weekend to Remember conferences and asked them about conflict, you found they were disagreeing over the same seven?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJoy:\u00a0Right.\u00a0 It just seemed to boil down \u2013 we could fit them into one of those seven categories, the root causes for the conflicts that they're having.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0And, Joy, those seven categories are?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJoy:\u00a0Security, loyalty, responsibility, caring, order, openness, and connection.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Tim, before we came on the air, you were saying that you felt like these seven categories, for the most part \u2013 well, men felt some, and women felt some, but this subject of caring is uniquely \u2013 well, it is deposited in the heart of one sex more \u2013 much more than the other.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTim:\u00a0Very true, very true.\u00a0 We found that these are not really gender specific \u2013 security is not, loyalty is not, responsibility is not, but, you know, when it comes to caring, it's very much a woman's issue, and a woman's complaint about her husband; that we don't care the way we should.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0You'd think I would know about this after 30 years of marriage, but last night, after a very, very long day, we fell in bed about 11:00 at night, and Barbara began to recount her day.\u00a0 It had been a terrible, horrible, very bad day, and she wanted to move to Australia, and she was sharing this with me and, you know, after about, you know, six, seven, eight things that had gone on, I attempted to comfort her with some humor. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Well, that didn't endear me to her in any regards, and so she begins to say, \"You know, what I need you to do when I've had a tough day, is I just need you to hear me, to comfort me, and to tell me that you're sorry that you had a tough day.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And, you know, Bob, it's amazing how many times you can relive your first year of marriage.\u00a0 I mean, you can learn some of these lessons over and over again, but our wives have their own need \u2013 special need in a special language that we, as men, have to figure out what this language is to be able to communicate that we truly do care.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Tim, we do care about our wives, don't we?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTim:\u00a0We do, but we don't always express it in a way that they can appreciate, so what we've tried to do is break caring down into two components that will help the men out here.\u00a0 One is awareness, and the second is initiative.\u00a0 Awareness is just knowing what is going on without having to be told.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Like the phone call with you?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTim:\u00a0Absolutely, that's exactly right.\u00a0 You know, a woman doesn't want to have to say, \"How do I look?\"\u00a0 Because if she has to ask the question, it doesn't matter what your answer is, you're disqualified.\u00a0 From that point on, if you just begin, \"You are fabulous, you are beautiful,\" you were asked for the answer, and so you lose all points for that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Awareness is when you happen to notice when your wife walks in the room, you notice she's dressed differently than she was yesterday or that her hair has been cut in the last month and to say, \"Hey, look, I notice this,\" and then to comment on how nice she looks.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0You know, this could be another clue, last night, as to why I had negative points, because Barbara had gotten her hair cut yesterday, and the way it was fixed when I first saw it from the beauty shop \u2013 well, it was just different, and I didn't say what I was supposed to say dutifully at that point.\u00a0 I said what I thought, and I shouldn't have done that, I shouldn't have done that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Now, I have to ask you, Joy, because you're a woman, what do you want a husband to do at that moment?\u00a0 I mean, if he truly doesn't like it like that, what's he to say?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTim:\u00a0Let's all tune into this.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Yes, everybody's moving close to the radio right now.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTim:\u00a0Yeah, yeah, yeah.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJoy:\u00a0Well, you know, I don't think there's any blanket rules.\u00a0 I mean, you could do this for a haircut, but it might not work for the outfit or the speech you give or \u2013 so my answer \u2013 this isn't what you want to hear is be a student of your wife, and ask her what she would like you to say, because my answer could be different than what your wife says. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0But I'll tell you what I would appreciate.\u00a0 I would appreciate Tim to saying, \"Honey, I noticed you got your haircut.\"\u00a0 And, \"Is this the style that you wanted?\"\u00a0 You know, to ask some questions and things, then, at that point, here, \"That's not really the best way that I like your hair.\u00a0 I liked it better the other way,\" or whatever.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0But, you know, sometimes after years of marriage, you know, by the questions they're asking, that they're avoiding saying, \"I don't really like your hair like that,\" so that might not be the answer.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0There may be a no-win [inaudible].\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0[crosstalk] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0But we can say things like, as you suggested, \"Were you happy with the way it turned out,\" you know, and find out \u2013 \"Were you pleased with \u2013 did you like the hairstylist?\u00a0 Did you guys have a nice conversation?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTim:\u00a0Has that worked for you, Bob? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0No, but I'm trying here.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJoy:\u00a0Well, I can tell you one thing, I can tell you one thing that Tim has done that has \u2013 I think he's kind of learned over the years, and he has said, \"You know, honey, you have very pretty hair just about any way you get your haircut is fine, but that's not my favorite way to have your hair cut.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0You know, I appreciate his honesty, and then the blow isn't so hard, because, wives, we want our husbands to think that we're pretty, and we want them to even see past the bad haircut and say, \"You are such a pretty woman.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0So the bottom line is she comes home with haircut, you look at her carefully, and you say, \"You look great,\" because the reality is, Barbara is beautiful regardless of her haircut, and you affirm her for that, and you hope and pray that she doesn't ask you, \"What do you think about my haircut?\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTim:\u00a0And at that point, we do not recommend Bob's answer of, \"Is that they way you wanted it to come out?\"\u00a0 Bob, you're going nowhere with that one.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0You don't think that's going to work for me, huh?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0You talk about the first issue, it's awareness, and, I've got to tell you, sometimes this flies right past me, because I'll look at Mary Ann one night and go, \"You got your hair cut, didn't you?\"\u00a0 And she'll say, \"Yeah, about two weeks ago,\" and I realize that, at that point, you know, I would have been better \u2013 I've already lost.\u00a0 What is it about us, as guys, that we just don't notice \u2013 we're not aware, and how do we get more aware?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTim:\u00a0You know, part of this even has biological roots.\u00a0 You know, women have wider peripheral vision than men do, but men have greater depth of field than women do.\u00a0 We are set up in different ways.\u00a0 Women, I believe, engage the world more deeply than men do.\u00a0 They feel more, sense more, they know more of what is going on, and that's why, when you were a child, getting trouble upstairs, your mother would call upstairs and say, \"What's going on up there?\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0She knew.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTim:\u00a0She knew.\u00a0 She has senses working that a guy doesn't have, and when we're communicating, men tend to communicate through their words.\u00a0 Women are listening to the tone of your voice, the look on your face, the angle of your body.\u00a0 They just tend to be sensitive to more things and aware of more things, and they expect us to do the same.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Okay, we've established the fact, then, that men are blind, and we don't see the world as clearly as our wives do, and if men are honest, our wives do see a lot more than we do. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0But, Joy, I need you to give us, at this point, some very clear coaching tips on how a husband can truly express a caring heart to his wife.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0We've already talked about being aware of this need.\u00a0 Okay, he's aware of it, but he needs some practical hooks here to begin to know how to communicate this caring to his wife.\u00a0 Where does he start?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJoy:\u00a0Well, one of the points that we made later in our book is just to take small steps, and I think most wives appreciate the fact that they're trying, that they verbalize, \"Honey, I care about you,\" and they are trying.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0I think withdraw is one of the biggest enemies that couple face and, particularly, I think it's a wounding thing for a wife to feel like her husband is withdrawing.\u00a0 So the fact that he's trying to engage and that he is trying to take the initiative with her is just a big win to start.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0So I would encourage all the husbands, start somewhere.\u00a0 And the conversations that Tim and I have had over the years are that I ask him, \"Honey, if you don't know what to say, ask me questions, and that is very helpful to me.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And the instance when you were talking about you and Barbara \u2013 for me, in that case, I would like to have had Tim ask me more questions about my day \u2013 how did that make me feel, what was hard about it?\u00a0 And I feel like I can process things that way.\u00a0 So by him asking questions is a big step forward to me.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTim:\u00a0Here is a classic caring argument.\u00a0 A guy walks in, his wife, she is not in a good mood.\u00a0 He says to her, \"How are you?\"\u00a0 She says, \"I'm fine.\"\u00a0 Well, she's expecting him to pick up on this \u2013 tone of voice look on her face, but he doesn't really want to engage, so he goes, \"Okay, fine,\" and he walks off.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Well, later in the evening \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Or maybe he missed it altogether.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTim:\u00a0He could have just missed it altogether.\u00a0 But later in the evening, there is coldness, there is anger, he begins to ask, \"What are you mad about, what's the problem?\"\u00a0 And she says, \"Are you just picking up on this now?\" And then he begins to say, \"Well, now, wait a minute, earlier in the day I asked you, 'how are you' and you said, 'I'm fine.'\u00a0 If you weren't fine, why didn't you say, 'I'm not fine.'\"\u00a0 You see this, because we're preferring words, and we're not looking for all the other things that are going on.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0But what the woman is saying is, \"Look, this is an issue of caring.\u00a0 When you say 'how are you,' that's a clich\u00e9.\u00a0 This is elevator conversation.\u00a0 That doesn't tell me you want to engage me, so I'm not going to empty my soul to you when you say, 'how are you?'\u00a0 If you cared, you'd follow up and say, 'Really?\u00a0 Are you sure you're okay?\u00a0 You don't look okay, you look' \u2013 and then I could talk with you.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0This is a problem we often have, and it's just because we haven't cared.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0And it may be a problem that we've not stopped to define some words and really evaluate how we can fulfill those words that we promised when we got married.\u00a0 We promised to love, honor, and cherish, and one of the more interesting things is we've had some speakers who have come along and who have spoken about cherishing your wife, and it's interesting to read the evaluations that come out of the audience from men.\u00a0 It's like the lightbulb has come on \u2013 \"I really did promise something very specific to my wife when I promised to cherish her.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0But that word, \"cherish\" is a very specific word that has a definite meaning in the soul of a woman.\u00a0 Now, I want to ask Joy, help us, as men, to define and better understand how a man cherishes his wife.\u00a0 What makes you feel cherished?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJoy:\u00a0Well, that's a big question.\u00a0 I think what makes me feel cherished is that Tim has been a student of who I am, and I think, for you young married women out there, you need to give your husband a little grace, and you're going to need to coach them and talk to them more along the way.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0But it is so nice, after 22 years of marriage, that I feel like Tim has learned about me.\u00a0 He knows the nuances in my voice when I may say, \"I'm okay,\" but it cracks a little bit, and he knows I'm not okay.\u00a0 And then he takes the initiative, even if he doesn't feel like it, to say \"Why aren't you okay?\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And for him to make positive account deposits, so to speak, telling me what he thinks along the way, that I am pretty, that I am valuable, that I am a good mom, so that those times that come up where I don't get a good haircut, or I don't feel especially good about myself, he can tell me the truth, and it's buffered by all of the positive things that he has said.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0What we have talked about is I've had to tell Tim, \"Honey, could you just tell me what you're thinking,\" because he says, \"I do think that you're attractive, I do think that you're smart,\" but I have to tell him, \"I need to hear them.\"\u00a0 And so rolling around in your head doesn't help me anymore.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTim:\u00a0And I do a lot of rolling.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0I had a conversation with a young man last night over the phone.\u00a0 I was giving him a little counsel, and he was in the first months of his marriage, and I said, \"How are you doing at communicating love to this new bride of yours?\"\u00a0 He said, \"Well, we're getting there, we're getting there.\"\u00a0 And I said, \"Well, you just have to keep on loving and cherishing and keep on pursuing her and communicating that to her,\" because it takes a lifetime to communicate that love, and just because you cared for her last night doesn't mean that she feels cared for today.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And, for a lot of men, we kind of flip a switch and, we go, \"Well, you know, I took care of that, checked that off the list, that's good for a month.\"\u00a0 That's not the way real life or real love works.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0You know, we started with this phone call home, and the issue of \"if you cared, you'd call home.\"\u00a0 It's wound up for me after all these years of marriage that I'll call home someday and say, \"I was just thinking about you and wanted to see how your day was going and how is everything?\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0\"What do you want?\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Mary Ann will say, \"What's the real reason?\"\u00a0 \"No, really, you were just on my mind, I was thinking about you.\"\u00a0 \"Okay, so what else?\"\u00a0 You know, and that does expose that maybe there's not been the care there all along, at least not communicated as effectively, and I want to know what do you think about her hair today, do you think she looks nice, are you okay with that?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTim:\u00a0She's gorgeous today, she's fabulous today.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0And if, ladies, you would like your husband to learn from a master like Tim Downs, you can either contact us and get copies of the books that the Downs have written \u2013 \"The Seven Conflicts\" and \"Fight Fair,\" or you can make plans to attend one of our upcoming Weekend to Remember Marriage Conferences when it comes to a city near where you live this fall.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0There are couples like the Downs who speak at these conferences who provide practical, biblical authentic help for the real issues that couples are facing in a marriage relationship.\u00a0 We're going to be hosting these conferences in more than 60 cities all across the country this fall, and we've been reminding our listeners this week, we're down to the last few days where you can sign up for one of these Weekend to Remember conferences and save $60 per couple off the regular registration fee as a FamilyLife Today listener.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0You can either register online or by phone at 1-800-FLTODAY, and, again, when you identify yourself as a FamilyLife Today listener, you'll be able to attend one of these weekend getaways for couples and save $60 per couple off the regular registration fee.\u00a0 In order to that, you either call 1-800-FLTODAY, mention that you listen to FamilyLife Today, and tell us that you'd like to register for an upcoming conference, or register online at FamilyLife.com, and as you fill out the registration form just type my name, type \"Bob\" in the keycode box, and we'll know you're a FamilyLife Today listener, and you'll save $60 off the regular registration fee per couple.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0We'll also make available a copy of the new book by Dennis and Barbara Rainey called \"Moments With You,\" when you register this week.\u00a0 The book is not yet in Christian bookstores.\u00a0 I think it's going to be there in the next couple of weeks, but as soon as it's available, we'll make sure you can get a copy.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0So, again, register this week.\u00a0 You'll save $60 per couple off the regular registration fee for a Weekend to Remember conference, and you'll get a copy of the sequel to \"Moments Together for Couples,\" the bestselling book by Dennis and Barbara Rainey.\u00a0 This one is call \"Moments With You,\" and you can register online at FamilyLife.com or call 1-800-F-as-in-family, L-as-in-life, and then the word TODAY, and we'll get you all fixed up for one of these conferences.\u00a0 Dennis?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0As we've talked about this subject that we've discussed today, caring for our spouses, especially for our wives, Joy, there are some women right now who are listening whose husbands do not express care.\u00a0 They don't seem to cherish and nourish them as wives, and they may be tempted to really be preoccupied with how their husband is not caring for them.\u00a0 What would you say to that wife who doesn\u2019t feel cared for?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJoy:\u00a0Well, that's a hard situation, because I believe that the Lord has designed us to want that from our husbands.\u00a0 It's a good thing to want our husbands to care for us and I think it's a dangerous thing when we stop wanting that and stop caring about it.\u00a0 Then that's dangerous.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0So I would say, first of all, just don't give up.\u00a0 Whether you've been married six months or 22, 30 years, God can still work in your husband's life and work in your own.\u00a0 And I would say pray and ask God to change your heart so that you could see the positive qualities about your husband.\u00a0 He may not care for you in the way that you want him to care, but there are other positive qualities about him that are good qualities, and he might be a good man in other areas.\u00a0 So try to focus on those.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0But then I would also say ask God just to change him in the way that God would have him change to be a more caring husband and, in humility, explain to him, talk to him, coach him, if you will, about how he can make you feel loved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0FamilyLife Today is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas, a ministry of Campus Crusade for Christ.\u00a0 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