{"id":301432,"date":"2007-09-12T11:00:00","date_gmt":"2007-09-12T15:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/responsibility-a-source-of-conflict\/"},"modified":"2007-09-12T11:00:00","modified_gmt":"2007-09-12T15:00:00","slug":"responsibility-a-source-of-conflict","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/responsibility-a-source-of-conflict\/","title":{"rendered":"Responsibility, a Source of Conflict"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>How does responsibility contribute to marital conflict?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2007-09-12.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:","filesize":"10.64M","filesize_raw":"11158906","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2902],"tags":[2918,4969],"podcast_series":[7539],"cwp_profile":[3233],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-301432","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-resolving-conflict","tag-conflict","tag-responsibility","podcast_series-seven-conflicts-of-marriage","cwp_profile-tim-and-joy-downs","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/301432\/responsibility-a-source-of-conflict","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/301432\/responsibility-a-source-of-conflict","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"WLjBq7lmXC\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/responsibility-a-source-of-conflict\/\">Responsibility, a Source of Conflict<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/responsibility-a-source-of-conflict\/embed\/#?secret=WLjBq7lmXC\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Responsibility, a Source of Conflict&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"WLjBq7lmXC\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var 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ticking]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0There it is \u2013 the sound effect of the clock ticking in the background is because this Sunday at midnight the special opportunity to FamilyLife Today listeners have to register for one of our upcoming Weekend to Remember Marriage Conferences is going to expire.\u00a0 For the last week and a half, we've been offering FamilyLife Today listeners an opportunity to attend one of our upcoming Weekend to Remember Marriage Conferences, and we're going to be hosting these in more than 60 cities all across the country this fall.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0You can attend at a special rate.\u00a0 You and your spouse will save $60 per couple off the regular registration fee and we're going to make available to you a copy of Dennis and Barbara Rainey's brand-new book, which is called \"Moments With You.\"\u00a0 This is the follow-up to the book, \"Moments Together for Couples,\" that was a bestselling book, and it's not available yet but as soon as it's available, we're going to get you a copy.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0In order to qualify for the special rate and to get a copy of the brand-new book, you need to register for an upcoming Weekend to Remember Marriage Conference before Sunday night at midnight.\u00a0 In fact, our phones have been very busy the last few days, as folks have been calling to take advantage of this special offer for FamilyLife Today listeners, and all you need to do is call 1-800-FLTODAY to register.\u00a0 That's 1-800-F-as-in-family, L-as-in-life, and then the word TODAY.\u00a0 Make sure to mention that you're a FamilyLife Today listener, and you want to take advantage of the special offer.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0You can also register online, if you'd like.\u00a0 In fact, you can get more information about when the conference is coming to a city near where you live on our website at FamilyLife.com.\u00a0 If you are registering online, as you fill out the form, you'll come to a keycode box.\u00a0 You'll need to type the word \"Bob\" into that keycode box, again, to take advantage of the special offer for FamilyLife Today listeners.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0You'll save $60 per couple off the regular registration fee, and we'll get you a copy of Dennis and Barbara Rainey's new book, \"Moments with You.\"\u00a0 The offer expires \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[clock ticking]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0\u2026 there's the ticking again \u2013 it expires this Sunday night at midnight, so let us hear from you, and we hope you have a great weekend as you attend one of these conferences in a city near where you live this fall.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And we are talking about marriage this week.\u00a0 We're talking about what causes conflict in marriage.\u00a0 One of the things that can cause conflict is when one person is more of a stickler for the rules than another person.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tRachel:\u00a0[from audiotape.] Jake and I once took a temperament test to help us understand our different personalities.\u00a0 Each of us had to fill out a 70-question survey \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tRachel's Husband:\u00a0Which is more than my personality wanted to do in the first place.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tRachel:\u00a0Our answers were evaluated, and we were told that we each had a basic temperament type, and that this temperament type predicted what we would do and say in different situations.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0My type was called the most sociable of all types.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tRachel's Husband:\u00a0Mine was called \"incurable,\" but at least not contagious, at least that's what Rachel called it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tRachel:\u00a0Mine said \"this temperament type has a well-developed sense of tradition and takes the rights and wrongs of the culture seriously.\u00a0 People with this temperament type often feel a strong sense of obligation and responsibility.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tRachel's Husband:\u00a0On the other hand, I was described this way \u2013 \"Only statements that are logical and coherent carry weight.\u00a0 People with this temperament can seem a little arrogant.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tRachel:\u00a0You can imagine some of the conversations we've had.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tRachel's Husband:\u00a0Like?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tRachel:\u00a0Like \u2013 are you going to wear those pants?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tRachel's Husband:\u00a0What's wrong with them?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tRachel:\u00a0They're white.\u00a0 You're not supposed to wear white pants in the winter.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tRachel's Husband:\u00a0Who made up that rule?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tRachel:\u00a0Everybody knows that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tRachel's Husband:\u00a0I don't know it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tRachel:\u00a0This from a man who wears tennis shoes to church.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tRachel's Husband:\u00a0And your point would be \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tRachel:\u00a0Look, I don't make up these rules.\u00a0 You're just not supposed to wear white in the winter, that's all.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tRachel's Husband:\u00a0So someone I never met makes up a rule that makes no sense to me, and I\u2019m supposed to follow it?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tRachel:\u00a0Why don't you wear your underwear outside your pants while you're at it?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Who did make up that rule about white?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0You know, Barbara's been telling me those rules for years. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Now, wait, I saw a picture of you \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0\u2026 now, don't start \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0With a white belt and white shoes \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0I know where you're going, but that was before I was married.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Somebody should have made up that rule before you bought those clothes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0You know, it does take marriage to sometimes tame the barbarian.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Yeah, and to work our fashion sense into us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0No doubt about it, no doubt about it.\u00a0 Well, we want to work some resolving conflict sense into some singles who may be dating or would like to be married, and who grossly underestimate the potential for conflict between two married partners.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0\"We'll never have conflict.\u00a0 We think so much alike.\u00a0 We just love each other.\u00a0 Yes, it will be wonderful.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0And then we want to talk to the married folks who are on the other side of the fence who know.\u00a0 Or those who know and who have moved to denial who say, \"You know, we don't have any conflict, you know?\u00a0 There's nothing he wouldn't do for me, and there's nothing I wouldn't do for him, and that's exactly what we do.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0We do nothing for each other all the time, that's right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Well, we have the authors of two books on conflict \u2013 \"Fight Fair,\" and a second book, \"The Seven Conflicts, Resolving the Most Common Disagreements in Marriage.\"\u00a0 Tim and Joy Downs join us for a third day.\u00a0 Tim, Joy, welcome back to FamilyLife Today.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTim:\u00a0Good to be back.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJoy:\u00a0Thank you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0It's been good just to hear some of your dirt of how you guys have had arguments.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTim:\u00a0This is getting embarrassing.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Well, you know, some of these little dialogs that we have begun the program with this week come out of the real life of your marriage and family.\u00a0 You guys have served on Crusade staff a number of years.\u00a0 Everybody knows that a Campus Crusade for Christ staff member who is paid to be good would never have a conflict in their marriage.\u00a0 But you all have these conflicts.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTim:\u00a0You know, we began our book by saying, \"If you're looking for a book by someone who has overcome it all and never has a conflict, stop reading here.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJoy:\u00a0\"We are not that couple.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTim:\u00a0We are not that couple.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0It's interesting, because the premise that you've start with this week, and it's really what we've been talking about is that there are some core issues that we wind up gravitating around where conflict occurs.\u00a0 We've talked about things like how we view security, what makes us feel safe and provided for and protected.\u00a0 We talked yesterday about loyalty, which involves faithfulness and priority and how we need to learn how to express those ideas to one another.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0There is once concept in here that was \u2013 well \u2013 it kind of takes you for a minute and say, \"What are you talking about here?\"\u00a0 When you talk about responsibility, how does responsibility lead to conflict?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTim:\u00a0Well, we mean responsibility in a different way.\u00a0 It's not just being a mature and responsible person.\u00a0 It's a sense of what you are supposed to do.\u00a0 We break responsible down into two words \u2013 obligation and expectation.\u00a0 Obligation is your internal sense of what ought to happen.\u00a0 This is the way things should be done.\u00a0 This is the right thing to do.\u00a0 We're just supposed to, don't ask me why, we're just supposed to.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Conforming to social norms?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTim:\u00a0Exactly.\u00a0 There are thousands of unwritten rules out there, and for some they have a great force, they have a great power.\u00a0 For others, they have no regard for the rules.\u00a0 Who wrote those rules?\u00a0 Where did those rules come from, anyway?\u00a0 But some of us are driven by that internal sense of \"oughtness.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0And, Joy, you took a test back before you and Tim got married that kind of measured where you were on this responsibility scale.\u00a0 And those rules, those have a deep root in your heart, don't they?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJoy:\u00a0They do, they do.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0She's a high justice person.\u00a0 I like Joy.\u00a0 Huh?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0But a high sense of where right and wrong is and what's appropriate and what's inappropriate, and if you're going to care about other people, you're just going to obey those rules, aren't they?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJoy:\u00a0Right, and I've had to grow in this area where I've had to see the gray areas in things.\u00a0 There are gray areas but, you know, for example, I can watch something on television, and I will see, \"This isn't right.\u00a0 I should write a letter.\u00a0 I should do this,\" you know, \"There's something that needs to be done.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0But Tim, very often, does not see it the same way, and so I can feel weary in being the one that always seems to seek justice, like you said, Dennis, or want to see something righted, and when I see that Tim doesn't really care about that, think about that, you know, that can bother me.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Tim, what's it like to live in a gray oblivion?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTim:\u00a0I say that's what remote controls were made for.\u00a0 You see something on TV that bothers you, you switch channels.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0You just change it.\u00a0 You took the same test Joy took at the same time \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTim:\u00a0I did, I did.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0\u2026 and the results showed that you guys were on opposite ends.\u00a0 While she is seeing these social norms, you're an iconoclast \u2013 you want to go destroy the social norms.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTim:\u00a0For me, if I don't see the logic or reason of the rule, it has no power over me.\u00a0 I don't care about outside authorities.\u00a0 Where did they come up with these rules?\u00a0 Who put them in charge?\u00a0 I want to know, does it make sense to me?\u00a0 And the fact is, a lot of our norms don't necessarily make sense, it's just the way things ought to be done.\u00a0 We've agreed that they ought to be, and that's a source of conflict, then, inside marriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0And it can be more than just whether you're wearing white pants in the winter.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTim:\u00a0Oh, absolutely.\u00a0 Let's give another example here.\u00a0 We think this is the difference between principles and pragmatism.\u00a0 Some people are principle-oriented.\u00a0 Dennis, that's what you meant by being justice-oriented.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTim:\u00a0For that person, when an issue comes up, their first question is what is the right thing to do?\u00a0 In fact, it's probably the only question that comes up, because once they know the right thing to do, you just do it.\u00a0 Either you do it, or you don't.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0A pragmatic person asks, \"What's the easiest thing to do?\u00a0 What's the straightest line between two points?\"\u00a0 Okay, so we're driving through a neighborhood, the sign says 35 miles an hour, I\u2019m driving 50.\u00a0 Joy says, \"The sign says 35 miles an hour.\"\u00a0 I say, \"Well, nobody's around.\u00a0 What the sign is saying is 'don't kill anybody and drive at a reasonable speed.'\"\u00a0 And Joy would say, \"No, the sign says 35, it's not asking for your interpretation.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0And so the ensuing conflict occurs, Joy?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJoy:\u00a0Well, yes, now I try to keep my mouth shut.\u00a0 You know there are some things that you argue about and some things I just think, \"If we get a ticket, we get a ticket,\" you know, but there are times where I've said those kinds of things, and then I realize, you know, he's a grown man, he knows what I think about that, he knows \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Yeah, but I bet your pray imprecatorily, \"God, send a ticket to judge him and teach him the wickedness of his ways.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJoy:\u00a0Well, I can let go of this one, but there are ones that I don't let go of, and I do remind him, you know, I do.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Like what?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJoy:\u00a0Oh, what are some things?\u00a0 For example \u2013 this is a small one, I mean, this isn't a big issue and some people will say, \"How petty.\"\u00a0 But sometimes the things that he does in restaurants, the manners that he has, you know, picking things up with his fingers that I think you should not pick things up with your fingers.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTim:\u00a0How else do you eat soup?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJoy:\u00a0You know, there are things that I just say, you know, \"Honey, when you're with me, would you mind not doing that?\"\u00a0 And I have to give him the freedom \"that is with me.\"\u00a0 You know, I'll say, \"When you're with me, that's a little embarrassing.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Joy, what you're talking about here is a minor deal like eating soup with your fingers, but for some women right now who are married to husbands who \u2013 well, maybe they are breaking the law, a more serious matter \u2013 what would you say to them because this can produce a conflict of enormous proportions.\u00a0 I mean, if a wife confronts a husband around something that's very serious like not paying bills on time, and they're going to turn off the lights at your house \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Or he's keeping marijuana in the bedroom, and it wouldn't just be him who might go to jail if the police come.\u00a0 How do you handle that?\u00a0 What do you tell a wife who says, \"This is wrong, and he shouldn't do that.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJoy:\u00a0Well, I would say that you need to pray and ask God for wisdom first, and then you should seek help from a pastor, from a mature Christian friend that would help you discern what the next steps are.\u00a0 But certainly in the cases of breaking the law, that is not acceptable to the Lord and especially if you're in an abusive situation yourself, or you're being harmed yourself, that's not acceptable to the Lord, and you need to get help.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTim:\u00a0It's important to say, too, that sometimes issues cross the boundaries of the seven conflicts.\u00a0 So in a situation like that, that's a security issue.\u00a0 \"I feel at risk, I could go to jail.\"\u00a0 It's a loyalty issue, \"I want to think of you as a faithful man, but you flaunt the law, the written law, and yet say that you're faithful to me.\u00a0 I don't know how I can trust you anymore.\"\u00a0 I mean a number of different issues come to bear there, and you need to confront them.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0By responsibility here, we're dealing mostly with those unspoken norms that \u2013 they're not clearly written down in a lawbook somewhere.\u00a0 It's just a sense of \"oughtness.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Tim, there is a book written about manners and etiquette.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTim:\u00a0Yeah, but who is she?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Who wrote that book?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Who is that lady and where did she get those ideas?\u00a0 See, Tim and I \u2013 I have to step in here, because we have a little kindred spirit on this one.\u00a0 Here, high five, man.\u00a0 Tim and I \u2013 Dennis and Joy kind of gravitate toward these social norms and these rules.\u00a0 And Tim and I are a little more on the other side, and so I just want to step in here and ask a question, Tim.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0There are some people whose lives are just so uptight and controlled by these rules that they just don't experience the real joy of the Lord, you know what I mean?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTim:\u00a0The freedom, yes, the freedom.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0The freedom in Christ, and how can we help those people get past their sense of \"oughtness\" to a place where they have the liberation that we have found?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTim:\u00a0Well, there are medications available now.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Joy made a great point here, and it has to do with where we go wrong in responsibility arguments.\u00a0 Because one person has a great sense of \"oughtness.\"\u00a0 What we tend to do is argue the logic of the rule \u2013 no, you don't eat barbecued chicken with your fingers in a restaurant, and here is why \u2013 this is why it's logical, this is why it's important.\u00a0 You know, you will never resolve that, because you're arguing about the rule.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0You need to do what Joy suggested, and you need to say, \"Look, it embarrasses me when you do that.\u00a0 Will you do something for me?\u00a0 When we are together in a restaurant, would you use your knife and fork to eat your barbecued chicken?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0You know, we are motivated to please one another in marriage, even the person that isn't rule-oriented is still motivated to please their mate, and on that basis I'm happy to do what Joy wants, I'm just not going to agree that this rule makes sense.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0But, Tim, have you ever felt picked on about this?\u00a0 I mean, tell the truth.\u00a0 I mean, in the process of how many years of marriage?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTim:\u00a0Twenty-two.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Twenty-two, got it right.\u00a0 Twenty-two years of marriage, have you ever felt like maybe Joy was, well, just kind of \"Leave me alone.\"\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTim:\u00a0It isn't from Joy, but, you know, if you're not rule-oriented, you always feel picked on because you feel like people are always telling you how you need to do things and to get in line, and there's something that just rubs you the wrong way.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0I know Mary Ann and I have experienced this around \u2013 we started the program with fashion sense today and wearing white in the winter.\u00a0 There are sometimes when I'll step out of the closet wearing something, and she'll just have this look.\u00a0 She doesn't even need to say anything.\u00a0 And there's part of me that bows up a little bit and goes, \"This is what I want to wear.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTim:\u00a0Bob, that look is a preview of coming attractions.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0I understand completely.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTim:\u00a0It's the look you're going to get when you walk outside.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0But here is what I've found, and it goes back to the principle you're talking about here.\u00a0 Do I want to wear what I want to wear because I want to wear it, or would I somehow minister to my wife in a way that shows respect and value to her if I said, \"You know, I would like to appear in a way in public that you feel proud of how I appear?\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And this has been kind of an interesting deal, because if it's me, and we're going to church, I'm okay with shorts and tennis shows, you know, for the Sunday night service.\u00a0 I'm okay with that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0You are?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Yeah.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Okay.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Maybe not Sunday morning, but I can do it for Sunday night, I'm okay with that.\u00a0 Mary Ann is probably not okay with shorts and tennis shows.\u00a0 Now, the question is \u2013 which do I value more \u2013 my comfort and my prerogative or my wife and her sense of feeling comfortable with me?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0I don't want to give you a rule, but I do want to read you \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTim:\u00a0The Holy Scriptures.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0I do want to read you what Paul said, because I believe there is a law of the universe, all right, that talks about some higher calling than our freedom.\u00a0 Romans, chapter 12, verse 10 \u2013 \"Be devoted to one another in brotherly love, give preference to one another in honor.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And, you know, if you have two people in a marriage who are truly devoted to one another, and it's not a matter of keeping one another's rules, it really is a matter of honoring the value in esteeming Joy when she's right, because you just know, Tim, in your heart that even though you live in the gray that she's right.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTim:\u00a0We talked about obligation, which is your internal sense of what ought to be done, but expectation is your sense of what other people expect of you.\u00a0 So should you cut your grass when it's a little too long?\u00a0 One of you thinks, it's not that big a deal, wait until the next week.\u00a0 And the other one is thinking the neighbors expect the grass to be cut.\u00a0 It doesn't matter to you, it matters a lot to them.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0This is your sense of what you think other people are looking for.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0What God is trying to do in all of our lives around these differences is He's knocking the edges off of all of us so that we really recognize how much we need each other.\u00a0 Tim and Joy were put together by God not because of some cosmic humorist who is trying to make a funny point, but who is trying to merge two people together as one to His glory.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0And you talk, Joy, about recognizing some of the pride and self-centeredness in caring too much about what other people think and yet, Tim, as we've already said, maybe you don't care enough about what other people think.\u00a0 You're not doing what Romans 12 calls you to do all the time in being deferential with others so that you say, \"You know, the higher priority for me really is to care about another person and how I minister and serve them than whether I am comfortable with the rule or not.\u00a0 If Joy wants me to put dark pants on because it's winter, I can do that.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTim:\u00a0That's right, and then once again we have to resist that instinct to polarize and pull away from one another.\u00a0 It's easy for me to say \"Don't give me any rules,\" and for Joy to say, \"Well, then, I'm keeping them all.\"\u00a0 Instead, we need to realize we both have to move towards the fence, and there are areas where rules are not important, and she can let go of them, and there are areas where I need to think about other people and how I look and things like that.\u00a0 We both have to compromise.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Well, I just read about this hero in the Korean War who received a medal because he attacked a bunker singlehandedly and literally grabbed a grenade out of the air and threw it back at the enemy and got them.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And I think about how marriage can be something very similar, where you can grab words out of the air that your spouse is throwing at you and throw them back at them and hurt them because of who they are.\u00a0 Maybe they are too high justice, and they live too much by the rules, or maybe they live in that gray twilight zone like Bob and Tim and wear shorts to church.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0I'm still trying to get over that, Bob.\u00a0 But, you know, the outcome is not a pretty outcome.\u00a0 The bottom line is it can be the explosion of a relationship that ultimately ends in either emotional divorce or legal divorce of two people who didn't get married to hurt each other, but who got married to experience peace and hope and happiness.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0I'm only talking about Sunday nights in the summer.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Okay?\u00a0 That's all I'm talking about.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0We're going to get some mail about this.\u00a0 In fact, I think what we need to do is put a shot of you on our Internet site.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0No, we're not doing the shorts shot on the Internet site.\u00a0 I'm sorry, that's been vetoed by the webmaster.\u00a0 They're trying to attract people to the website.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0I'll tell you what we are doing on our website, though, is we're making available Tim and Joy's books on the subject of conflict.\u00a0 The book, \"The Seven Conflicts\" is available in our FamilyLife Resource Center, and you can go online to request a copy of that, or the book, \"Fight Fair,\" which is kind of a workbook for couples to work through principles for resolving conflict.\u00a0 And, again, they're both available at FamilyLife.com.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0When you get to our home page, click the red button that says \"Go,\" and that will take you to the area of the site where you can get more information about both books.\u00a0 You can order online, if you'd like, or you can call us at 1-800-FLTODAY, and we'll make arrangements to have these books sent out to you.\u00a0 Again, the website if FamilyLife.com, or you can call 1-800-FLTODAY.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And, don't forget, when you get in touch with us, this is the last week that FamilyLife Today listeners have to take advantage of the special offer that is available for attending one of our upcoming Weekend to Remember Marriage Conferences where Tim and Joy Downs may be speaking this fall.\u00a0 You're going to be speaking at a couple of these conferences, I think.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0I'm going to be speaking at one up in Bellingham, Washington, in November.\u00a0 We have more than 60 of these conferences being hosted in cities all across the country this fall, and FamilyLife Today listeners who sign up for a conference this week will save $60 per couple off the regular registration fee and we'll make available a copy of Dennis and Barbara Rainey's new book, which is called \"Moments With You.\"\u00a0 It's a daily devotional that is a sequel to the book, \"Moments Together for Couples,\" that was a bestseller from a number of years ago.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0So you'll get a copy of Dennis and Barbara's new book, and you'll save $60 per couple off the regular registration fee if you sign up this week for a Weekend to Remember Marriage Conference and if you identify yourself as a FamilyLife Today listener, which means when you call 1-800-FLTODAY to register, just mention that you listener to FamilyLife Today or if you register online at FamilyLife.com, when you come to the keycode box type my name in there.\u00a0 Type the name \"Bob.\"\u00a0 We'll know you're a FamilyLife Today listener.\u00a0 We'll subtract $60 per couple from your registration fee, and we'll make arrangements to get you a copy of Dennis and Barbara's new book.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Now, as I said, the offer expires Sunday night at midnight, so we need to hear from you very soon to take advantage of this special offer and, by the way, some of the cities where we're hosting these conferences are nearing sellout.\u00a0 So if you want to attend, you need to register today.\u00a0 Online at FamilyLife.com or call 1-800-FLTODAY and make plans to attend one of these upcoming Weekend to Remember Marriage Conferences when it comes to a city near where you live.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Well, tomorrow we want to talk about another source of conflict in marriage.\u00a0 We want to talk about the whole issue of expectations and what happens when we don't meet one another's expectations and we begin to think, \"I wonder if she really cares about me?\"\u00a0 We'll talk about that tomorrow, I hope you can be with us for that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0I want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team.\u00a0 On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 We'll see you back tomorrow for another edition of FamilyLife Today. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0FamilyLife Today is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas, a ministry of Campus Crusade for Christ. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t___________________________________________________________\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts for you. However, there is a cost to transcribe, create, and produce them for our website. If you've benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright \u00a9 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>www.FamilyLife.com<\/strong>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>","theme_header_position":"","post_header_is_sticky":"","is_header_overlay":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast\/301432","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/podcast"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/91"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=301432"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/294104"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=301432"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=301432"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=301432"},{"taxonomy":"podcast_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast_series?post=301432"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=301432"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=301432"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}