{"id":301416,"date":"2007-08-13T11:00:00","date_gmt":"2007-08-13T15:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/whatever-happened-to-courtship\/"},"modified":"2007-08-13T11:00:00","modified_gmt":"2007-08-13T15:00:00","slug":"whatever-happened-to-courtship","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/whatever-happened-to-courtship\/","title":{"rendered":"Whatever Happened to Courtship?"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Elizabeth Marquardt talks about the research she&#8217;s done with college students about their dating habits.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2007-08-13.mp3","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:","filesize":"11.33M","filesize_raw":"11876912","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2817,2821],"tags":[4705,4018],"podcast_series":[7533],"cwp_profile":[9033],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-301416","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-choosing-a-spouse","category-reaching-out","tag-college","tag-dating","podcast_series-hooking-up-and-hanging-out","cwp_profile-elizabeth-marquardt","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/301416\/whatever-happened-to-courtship","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/301416\/whatever-happened-to-courtship","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"uQqsgv7E2h\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/whatever-happened-to-courtship\/\">Whatever Happened to Courtship?<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/whatever-happened-to-courtship\/embed\/#?secret=uQqsgv7E2h\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Whatever Happened to Courtship?&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"uQqsgv7E2h\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2007-08-13.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2007-08-13.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<p>\n\t\t\t\tElizabeth:\u00a0One of the things we asked these young women is \"How do you get a boyfriend?\"\u00a0 And, generally, the answer was something like, \"Well, I don't know, because you could kind of, like, hook up, or you could, but that doesn't really\" \u2013 and, basically, they had no answer.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0So when I talk about men being passive in this scenario, it's a passive kind of power, and what you see is that in the hook-up culture, the men still have a lot of power, whereas in the dating culture of an earlier time, they did have power, but they were also a lot more vulnerable.\u00a0 They had to take the risk of rejection, they had to ask, and then she decided.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0This is FamilyLife Today for Monday, August 13.\u00a0 Our host is the president of FamilyLife, Dennis Rainey, and I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 We're going to talk today about dating, about hooking up, and about what life is really like on today's college campuses.\u00a0 Stay with us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And welcome to FamilyLife Today, thanks for joining us on the Monday edition.\u00a0 You are at a point in your parenting where you are past the college years as a parent.\u00a0 All of your children have graduated from college, right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0That's right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0And so you don't really have \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Pardon me, while I just jump up in the air.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0While you celebrate this moment.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Click my heels.\u00a0 We had six go to college, five graduated, and there still may be a possibility of having six out of six someday, but the point is, is we ended up being able to graduate five of them with no debt.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0That's amazing.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tElizabeth:\u00a0Wow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0And I think, for the most part, without any major moral uprising, I don't know exactly how to say that, because I don't know everything our kids did at college, but I think, for the most part, they navigated the treachery of college, the college days, quite well.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0I have two that are out of college, my two oldest, my girls.\u00a0 I have a son who is in college, and I have two more who are headed in that direction, and you read about what's on the college campus today, you read reports like what we've been reading, and it's troubling, it's alarming, as a parent.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0It really is.\u00a0 When our kids were in high school, I had to learn a new vocabulary.\u00a0 I had to learn that \"going steady\" was nowhere on the horizon.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Yeah, they don't use that phrase anymore.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0They don't use that phrase anymore.\u00a0 You don't take rings and wrap yarn around it when the guy gives the girl the ring.\u00a0 It's now called \"going out.\"\u00a0 And if you're going out, you're an item in high school.\u00a0 And I know some of the single people are listening to me right now who listen to FamilyLife Today and go, \"What century were you born in?\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Well, it was the previous century, but when our children started going to college, a phrase began to be used that, frankly, I started kind of throwing around and quickly misused it, all right?\u00a0 It was called \"hooking up.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0And I thought I knew what it meant.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0It sounds innocent enough, right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0It does.\u00a0 You know, you think you know, and so we decided we'd get a researcher that has done almost 18 months of research on the subject of hooking up on the college campus \u2013 bring her in here, she's no stranger to FamilyLife Today, she's been here before \u2013 and invite her back to help us all be educated about what \"hooking up\" means.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Elizabeth Marquardt joins us on FamilyLife Today.\u00a0 Elizabeth, welcome back to the broadcast, good to see you again.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tElizabeth:\u00a0Thank you, it's great to be back.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Elizabeth is the director of the Center for Marriage and Families at the Institute for American Values, which is a nonpartisan think tank focused on children, families, and civil society, and you did a research project a number of years ago.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0You had a batch of students, I guess, researchers, help you with this, but you went on the college campus, and you came up with a report that was called \"Hooking Up, Hanging Out, and Hoping for Mr. Right.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tElizabeth:\u00a0That's right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0What motivated you to want to do a research project on college women, on dating and mating today?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tElizabeth:\u00a0Many of us had heard some of the kinds of stories you'd heard \u2013 some of us \u2013 at the time, I was not a parent yet, but some of us were, and had heard this thing called \"hooking up.\"\u00a0 Didn't really know where this idea was coming from, what it meant, how it might relate to larger concerns.\u00a0 One of the things we do where I work is study the culture of marriage and where it's going.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0It used to be that studying what is called \"courtship\" in the academic literature was a primary focus in sociology in the '40s and '50s.\u00a0 Plenty of researchers were studying courtship. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0That really fell by the wayside since the 1960s, and we really don't know much about what \u2013 you know, before young people are thinking seriously about marriage, before they're getting married, before they're having marriage problems, we don't know much about how they get to that point; how they think about marriage long before they do it; how they think about how do you meet someone and what's the right way to meet someone and what's all this for before marriage?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0And I want to stop you there, because one of the points in your executive summary was why courtship disappeared, and you tied it to a lack of parental involvement.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tElizabeth:\u00a0Very much so.\u00a0 I think that the generation \u2013 I'm 36, my parents are in their 50s \u2013 and I think the baby boomer generation that raised me and those younger than me, no longer knew what to say.\u00a0 Many of them were divorced, and I don't think that makes you unable to say something to your child at all about dating and relationships, but it seems to make a lot of parents reluctant to share their own experience, because they're not sure \u2013 they feel like they've made mistakes or it didn't work out right for them so what can they say?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And also just the norms have just continued to change just so fast.\u00a0 Parents don't even know we're \u2013 you know, it was crazy enough for them in the '60s, and now you've got whole 'nother thing going on.\u00a0 They don't know what to say to their kids, so they say and do nothing often when it comes to marriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And, even moreso, especially for our most high-achieving students with the highest aspirations, the advice that they tend to get from their parents and the culture and their guidance counselors is when it comes to marriage the advice is, \"Don't get married too soon.\u00a0 Keep your options open.\u00a0 Don't think about that right now.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0So if they say, \"I want to be a lawyer,\" well, everybody will say to them, \"Okay, you want to be a lawyer, this is how you do it, you need to do this and take this test and go to this school and focus on these priorities, and that's how you get to be a lawyer someday.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0But if you say, \"I want to be married,\" everybody falls silent.\u00a0 They don't know what to say.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0I really appreciate research like you've done.\u00a0 We must have scholarly, airtight research that's done by quality principles and great people and commissioned by think tanks like you work for.\u00a0 But I want to be quick to add we do not need research to prove the truth of the Bible.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0The Bible stands on its own as being the truth.\u00a0 Now, I'm not putting your research down.\u00a0 Hear me on this \u2013 I think we need that research, it's going to take us into realms where we may not be able to lead with the Bible.\u00a0 But what I want parents to feel is you know what?\u00a0 The truth is the truth, and you just need to teach that truth from the Scripture in every way possible with your children because in their soul and in their hearts, they need that guidance.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0This culture is a culture that takes no hostage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0I thought it was real interesting, as I looked through your report, in addition to Mom and Dad not being proactive and engaged on this issue, there was another major factor that took place that changed the courtship culture on the college campus, and I thought about this in relationship to my son who is in the honors dorm at his college campus, and the room next door is \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tElizabeth:\u00a0Has a really cute girl living there.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0It's a suite of four girls.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tElizabeth:\u00a0No temptation there.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0I remember moving him in and thinking, \"Boy, this is different than when I went to college.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0You're not in Kansas \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tElizabeth:\u00a0You're not the only dad who thought that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Not in Kansas, Toto.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0And, of course, where I went to college, there was a bathroom down the hall, and we all shared that bathroom.\u00a0 Now everybody's got their own bathroom, and so you think, \"Okay, this is really no different than a hotel, this is no different than apartments.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0But what it's led to is a very different courting culture, hasn't it?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tElizabeth:\u00a0It has.\u00a0 One of the things we identified in this report \u2013 we only talked to the women, so that's the caveat.\u00a0 We did not talk to college men for this report, and I'd love to do a follow-up with the men.\u00a0 But what the women tell us is that college men today seem passive; that they don't ask you out on a date; that they are reluctant, after you've been hooking up or hanging out for some period of time, they're reluctant to define the relationship.\u00a0 When a woman wants to know what kind of relationship they're in, she has to initiate the talk, and it's a funny kind of passivity because when she initiates the talk he gets to make the decision.\u00a0 So it's kind of a passive power.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0But one of the reasons it seems that they might be passive is that they don't have to do much to get a girl.\u00a0 You know, you don't have to tuck in your shirt and shave and walk out and identify one and say, \"She's the one I want, I'm going to pursue her,\" because you're living in a dorm with all these women all around, and you're all hanging out often as friends in very nice ways, but when you want to pursue a relationship with someone, you can kind of just hook up with the girl who lives next door.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And, it's funny, because students will say \u2013 they have all these words like \"dormcest,\" you know, and supposed rules about you're not supposed to \"hook up\" with someone who lives in your dorm, because then it gets really messy after because then you see each other all the time, even when you're not hooking up anymore. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0But, still, they do it because, you know, the dorms are filled with alcohol, often, and men and women, you know, things happen.\u00a0 And so \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0And there is a direct correlation between alcohol and the culture of hooking up, right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tElizabeth:\u00a0Absolutely.\u00a0 Everybody says the agreed-upon definition of a hook-up is when a girl and a guy get together for a physical encounter and don't expect anything further.\u00a0 And people broadly agree that alcohol is almost always involved in this \u2013 other drugs, maybe, but alcohol primarily.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0I could be as little as kissing.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tElizabeth:\u00a0Yes, it can be kissing, it can be sex, it can be sex in various ways that our presidents and others have described it.\u00a0 So it can be ambiguous, but it's something physical.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Okay.\u00a0 The other thing I wanted to ask you about, and this was a hot-button for me \u2013 it seems as though what your research was saying was that wherever co-ed dorms went, men stopped being men, and they became passive, and you heard one school who gave you the lame excuse for why they had moved to co-ed dorms. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tElizabeth:\u00a0Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Share that with our audience, because I found that to be unbelievable \u2013 that this was their solution to a problem on their campus.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tElizabeth:\u00a0Yes.\u00a0 One school with which I was quite familiar was having this dorm \u2013 they had this dorm on campus, a male dorm, just young men living in it, and it was getting trashed all the time \u2013 pulling sinks out of the walls and throwing sofas out the second-story windows \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Because young men lived in it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tElizabeth:\u00a0Because young men lived in it, doing what they do, especially if you throw in some beer.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Back to what Bob was saying, \"Young barbarians.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tElizabeth:\u00a0\"Young barbarians,\" God bless 'em, I'm raising one now, and I love \u2013 men are great, but they need help.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0And so this dorm was getting \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tElizabeth:\u00a0So this dorm was getting trashed much to the consternation of everybody involved.\u00a0 Nobody liked \u2013 you know, this makes the neighbors of the college angry, the custodial staff don't like it, the parents, when their kids get in trouble about it, they don't like hearing about it.\u00a0 So it's a problem for everybody.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0So the solution was to make the dorm co-ed because they know, administrators know, that the women, at least to some extent, civilize the men simply by their presence and also by them just being \u2013 I mean \u2013 you should hear women talk about what it's like to share a bathroom with a man, a college guy, and just how gross these guys are.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0So women, to some extent, civilize the men.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0I've got to stop you, I've got to stop you.\u00a0 There are a lot of wives right now \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tElizabeth:\u00a0Who are saying, \"Yeah, it doesn't change,\" yeah, \"You wouldn't believe how my husband leaves that bathroom in the morning.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0So the women civilize the men, even if they don't clean up after them, just by wrinkling their noses and saying, \"That's gross,\" it helps to some extent, and the administrators know this, and it's cheaper, I think, it's pretty clear, to bring in college women to help civilize the men rather than deal with the problem in other ways.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And for someone like me it's funny.\u00a0 I was actually raised as a feminist.\u00a0 I was a feminist at age 6, and I look at this, and I think, \"Okay, here are these young women\" \u2013 first of all, their test scores are higher to get into school, because we can talk about the sex ratio in a minute, but the sex ratio is uneven.\u00a0 There are more college women now than college men, and the people who are getting affirmative action now are young white men who can get into this college with lower scores because administrators are doing what they can to help prevent the sex ratio from being even more skewed.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0So you have college women who have worked harder, on average, to get into school, and they're paying the same tuition, under the same expectations, and with no recognition and no payment, or, you know, reduction in the cost of their own housing or anything else.\u00a0 They are there to civilize the men, and I think it's a funny situation that we've entered into.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0A sad, funny situation.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tElizabeth:\u00a0A sad, funny \u2013 not funny ha-ha but funny strange.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Well, and what is really tragic is where all this is going to take us, because on the college campus, young men are not asking young ladies out in a traditional way that brings nobility to a woman, you know, that sets her apart and treats her with respect, as I've tried to train my daughters to expect from a young man.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0But, instead, they kind of expect to just kind of slide into relationships and not define those relationships and participate in those relationships and maybe even some things that were meant for marriage without any commitment.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And as a result what we're seeing emerge on the college campus, and your research documents this, is a whole generation of young men who are even more passive than their predecessors.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tElizabeth:\u00a0Yes, I mean, the thing about the older dating culture, a lot of times people look at that, people out in the culture, and say, \"Well, that was oppressive because men had all the power, they did the asking, and they were in charge, and women, you know, had no power.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Well, it is true that there were abuses in that environment, but the older dating culture required a lot of men.\u00a0 First of all, the risk of rejection was high, and that's hard for anybody to take.\u00a0 One thing that the men now avoid in the hook-up culture is the risk of rejection, because if you're not clear about what you want and who you want, and you don't do things to make your intentions clear, you also don't get rejected.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0For some reason, young people today, I think, are extraordinarily afraid of being rejected, and this hook-up thing, which is fueled by alcohol, is a way to get around that.\u00a0 It's a way \u2013 you know, you don't have to make your intentions clear and put yourself out on the line and be vulnerable and say, \"I, me, I like you.\u00a0 You are the one I want, and I'm going to do what I can to just let you know that in every way possible, and then the ball is in your court.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0They don't do that anymore.\u00a0 Instead, it's kind of, \"Let's get drunk, and we'll do this thing, and then we'll pretend that it didn't happen the next day we see each other on campus.\u00a0 We'll ignore each other, and maybe if we do this thing enough times then we'll say maybe we're going to kind of enter into a relationship or something,\" and I'll stop there.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Well, the thing I wanted you to share with our audience, though, is how prevalent is this hooking up?\u00a0 I mean, now, as an older generation listens to you describing this, they're thinking, \"Oh, yeah, that's 3 percent, 4 percent, 5 percent of the college campus.\u00a0 It's rampant on the college campus, right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tElizabeth:\u00a0It's rampant, although it's not \u2013 it's an interesting question.\u00a0 It's not the majority of students who engage in hooking up, yet it has \u2013 it's the only thing on campus about which everyone can agree what it is and how it's done.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0So let me be more clear.\u00a0 In our national survey of college women, 40 percent had hooked up at least once.\u00a0 Only 1 in 10 had hooked up more than six times.\u00a0 Interestingly, those from divorced families were much more likely to hook up more frequently and say this as someone, myself, is from a divorced family \u2013 young women from divorced families, 37 percent had hooked up more than six times compared to 23 percent of those from intact families.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0So it's a lot of numbers, and just to kind of clarify it, what I mean is that most don't hook up.\u00a0 The ones who do only do it once or a couple of times, and then decide \"Hey, this isn't for me.\"\u00a0 But there is a core subset of those who hook up a lot, and that's how they primarily engage with their peers.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0But the point is that hooking up is the only thing on campus that everybody can kind of agree on.\u00a0 This is the only socially normed kind of relationship way of engaging with the opposite sex on campus.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0It kind of shapes the whole campus culture, even though most people don't do it, and others are making their choices in relation to hooking up.\u00a0 So, for instance, on the one end you have this kind of \u2013 this very low commitment thing called \"hooking up.\"\u00a0 But what you also hear students engaging in is something that we kind of call \"joined-at-the-hip\" relationships.\u00a0 And this is when a girl and guy get together and very quickly become and item, sleep together every night in each other's dorms, study together, do laundry together, you never seen them without \u2013 you know, you never see one of them without the other one.\u00a0 It almost becomes a joke.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And they're kind of referred to almost like a married couple, you know, their friends might say.\u00a0 So you have these folks on the other end.\u00a0 These folks want to be together.\u00a0 They generally love each other and all that, but, a lot of times, young women will say, \"You know, you get into one of these intense relationships, and you have no time for yourself anymore, no times for your friends, and you're together all the time, and then when you break up it's so hard because you were so close.\" \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And they say, \"I don't want to hook up because hooking up makes me feel bad, and I don't want to do this joined-at-the-hip thing again, because I got hurt by that, and I had no time for anything else, so what do I do?\u00a0 What other choices are there for me?\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And the question that we had, as researchers, especially researchers thinking about marriage, was most of these young women say they want to be married someday.\u00a0 They say it's a very important goal for them. Many of them say they'd like to meet their future husband at college.\u00a0 Not necessarily get married in college or even right after college, but this is a good time to meet a nice young guy, you'd think.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0What is this environment doing to prepare them for marriage?\u00a0 It seems to be doing almost nothing.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0And, in fact, seems to be working against that as a goal or an objective, right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tElizabeth:\u00a0Yes, this environment seems to be hampering their ability to form a lasting, trusting, healthy marriage in the future.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0And back to how we started this broadcast \u2013 if there has ever been a time when parents don't need to back out, if there has ever been a time when parents need to be there, be all there, be engaged, and discussing these matters, and talking about them and giving their children, giving their adult children the freedom to have different ideas than we had, you know, and that's so difficult.\u00a0 I mean, that's not easy, for a parent to watch a child reject the faith they grew up in and begin to explore and venture out.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0But to be able to offer them grace and forgiveness and a listening ear but, at the same time, hold the standard high.\u00a0 Because what I hear you saying, Elizabeth, is these young women needed somebody with a compass \u2013 \"Point me in the direction of how do I begin to establish a relationship, because ultimately I do want to be married; I do want to have a family.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0And you are probably going to have to prepare your daughter, if she's headed to college of if she's in college, that these are going to be lonely, uncomfortable years when you're going to be out of the social norm, if that's what you want and if you want it to be a healthy situation on the other end.\u00a0 You're going to be out of the mainstream, and you're not going to like it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0You could give Laura, our most recent graduate from college, a call at this point.\u00a0 Now, I can assure you, she would tell you it was very \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0She would affirm that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0\u2026 very lonely.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Yes, because if this is the dominant culture, and you don't fit in, it's going to be hard for you, and I think having a copy of your research findings, which are available on our website at FamilyLife.com.\u00a0 You can download them as a PDF file and print them out on your computer.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0I've taken this home and talked about it with my wife and with our older children, because I think this is some stunning research that should open dialog between parents and older teens.\u00a0 And, as I said, this report is on our website at FamilyLife.com.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0If you go to our home page and click the red button that says \"Go,\" that you see on the home page right in the center of the screen, that will take you to an area of the site where you can download the PDF file that we've talked about, and where you will find a variety of resources for older teens and for young singles on the subject of sexual purity.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Things like Joshua Harris's book, \"Sex is Not the Problem, Lust Is.\"\u00a0 Or Elizabeth Elliott's classic book, \"Passion and Purity.\"\u00a0 We also have copies of the books, \"Every Man's Battle,\" and \"Every Woman's Battle,\" that deal with sexual temptation in the area of pornography or in the area of unhealthy relationships for young women.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Again, go to our website, FamilyLife.com, and click the red \"Go\" button that you see in the middle of the screen, and you might review some of the resources that I've mentioned here just to see if any of these would be appropriate for you to send to a college student or a young single to go through, or if you have a high school junior or senior, you might want to get copies of these and start going through them now in preparation for the time when you will launch your son or your daughter to the college campus.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0 Again, the website is FamilyLife.com.\u00a0 Click that red \"Go\" button that you see in the middle of the screen, or, if you'd prefer, you can call 1-800-358-6329.\u00a0 That's 1-800-F-as-in-family, L-as-in-life, and then the word TODAY.\u00a0 Someone on our team can let you know about what resources are available from us here at FamilyLife, and we can make arrangements to have things sent to you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Well, I think some of our listeners, Dennis, know, by now, about the Challenge Fund that has been established during the month of August.\u00a0 Many of our listeners are calling or going online to make a donation to the ministry of FamilyLife Today, and they're taking part in this Challenge Fund to try to encourage other listeners to join with them in helping to support the ministry of FamilyLife Today, and it's kind of fun to see some of these challenges.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0For example, we heard from a man who wanted to encourage all dads who want to become the kind of men and husbands and fathers that God intends for them to be.\u00a0 This man made a donation of $33 and said, \"I want to challenge other dads to make a $33 donation as well.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0We heard from one listener who said, \"I want to challenge those people who live next door to a family with teenagers, and I want to challenge you not just to donate, but I want to challenge you to introduce your next-door neighbor to some of FamilyLife's resources that are aimed at helping teenagers.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And I'm thinking about the report that we talked about today.\u00a0 That would be something that you could print out and share with a neighbor if they have teenagers.\u00a0 They made a $20 donation and challenged other listeners to make a $20 donation.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And then heard from a listener in California with a $200 donation challenging the rest of the listeners in the state of California to do the same, and a listener from the Kansas City area, who made a $70 donation and wanted to challenge Kansas City area listeners to the same thing.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0If you can make a donation to help the ministry of FamilyLife Today during the month of August, we would love to hear from you, and we want to encourage you either to respond to a challenge or to issue a challenge of your own, and you can do that online at FamilyLife.com.\u00a0 As you're filling out the donation form, there is a space there for you to issue a challenge.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Or if you call 1-800-FLTODAY and make a donation over the phone, you can offer a challenge as well, and let me say we appreciate your financial participation, your support of this ministry, and we really appreciate hearing from you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Tomorrow Elizabeth Marquardt is going to be back with us as we continue to look at what's really happening on college campuses and this whole culture of hooking up.\u00a0 We'll hear more about the research that she has done on tomorrow's program.\u00a0 I hope you can be with us for that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0I want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team.\u00a0 On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 We'll see you back next time for another edition of FamilyLife Today. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0FamilyLife Today is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas, a ministry of Campus Crusade for Christ. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t________________________________________________________________\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts for you. However, there is a cost to transcribe, create, and produce them for our website. If you've benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright \u00a9 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>www.FamilyLife.com<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\n\t\t\t<\/p>"],"_seopress_titles_title":[""],"_seopress_titles_desc":[""],"_seopress_robots_index":[""],"duration":["00:"],"show_notes":[""],"_thumbnail_id":["294104"],"filesize":["11.33M"],"filesize_raw":["11876912"],"_uag_css_file_name":["uag-css-301416.css"],"_uag_js_file_name":["uag-js-301416.js"],"_uag_page_assets":["a:9:{s:3:\"css\";s:82560:\".wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-top svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-top .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: rgba(51,51,51,1);}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-bottom svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-bottom .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: 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Marquardt talks about the research she's done with college students about their dating habits.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2007-08-13.pdf","transcript_content":"<p>\n\t\t\t\tElizabeth:\u00a0One of the things we asked these young women is \"How do you get a boyfriend?\"\u00a0 And, generally, the answer was something like, \"Well, I don't know, because you could kind of, like, hook up, or you could, but that doesn't really\" \u2013 and, basically, they had no answer.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0So when I talk about men being passive in this scenario, it's a passive kind of power, and what you see is that in the hook-up culture, the men still have a lot of power, whereas in the dating culture of an earlier time, they did have power, but they were also a lot more vulnerable.\u00a0 They had to take the risk of rejection, they had to ask, and then she decided.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0This is FamilyLife Today for Monday, August 13.\u00a0 Our host is the president of FamilyLife, Dennis Rainey, and I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 We're going to talk today about dating, about hooking up, and about what life is really like on today's college campuses.\u00a0 Stay with us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And welcome to FamilyLife Today, thanks for joining us on the Monday edition.\u00a0 You are at a point in your parenting where you are past the college years as a parent.\u00a0 All of your children have graduated from college, right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0That's right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0And so you don't really have \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Pardon me, while I just jump up in the air.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0While you celebrate this moment.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Click my heels.\u00a0 We had six go to college, five graduated, and there still may be a possibility of having six out of six someday, but the point is, is we ended up being able to graduate five of them with no debt.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0That's amazing.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tElizabeth:\u00a0Wow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0And I think, for the most part, without any major moral uprising, I don't know exactly how to say that, because I don't know everything our kids did at college, but I think, for the most part, they navigated the treachery of college, the college days, quite well.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0I have two that are out of college, my two oldest, my girls.\u00a0 I have a son who is in college, and I have two more who are headed in that direction, and you read about what's on the college campus today, you read reports like what we've been reading, and it's troubling, it's alarming, as a parent.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0It really is.\u00a0 When our kids were in high school, I had to learn a new vocabulary.\u00a0 I had to learn that \"going steady\" was nowhere on the horizon.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Yeah, they don't use that phrase anymore.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0They don't use that phrase anymore.\u00a0 You don't take rings and wrap yarn around it when the guy gives the girl the ring.\u00a0 It's now called \"going out.\"\u00a0 And if you're going out, you're an item in high school.\u00a0 And I know some of the single people are listening to me right now who listen to FamilyLife Today and go, \"What century were you born in?\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Well, it was the previous century, but when our children started going to college, a phrase began to be used that, frankly, I started kind of throwing around and quickly misused it, all right?\u00a0 It was called \"hooking up.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0And I thought I knew what it meant.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0It sounds innocent enough, right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0It does.\u00a0 You know, you think you know, and so we decided we'd get a researcher that has done almost 18 months of research on the subject of hooking up on the college campus \u2013 bring her in here, she's no stranger to FamilyLife Today, she's been here before \u2013 and invite her back to help us all be educated about what \"hooking up\" means.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Elizabeth Marquardt joins us on FamilyLife Today.\u00a0 Elizabeth, welcome back to the broadcast, good to see you again.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tElizabeth:\u00a0Thank you, it's great to be back.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Elizabeth is the director of the Center for Marriage and Families at the Institute for American Values, which is a nonpartisan think tank focused on children, families, and civil society, and you did a research project a number of years ago.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0You had a batch of students, I guess, researchers, help you with this, but you went on the college campus, and you came up with a report that was called \"Hooking Up, Hanging Out, and Hoping for Mr. Right.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tElizabeth:\u00a0That's right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0What motivated you to want to do a research project on college women, on dating and mating today?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tElizabeth:\u00a0Many of us had heard some of the kinds of stories you'd heard \u2013 some of us \u2013 at the time, I was not a parent yet, but some of us were, and had heard this thing called \"hooking up.\"\u00a0 Didn't really know where this idea was coming from, what it meant, how it might relate to larger concerns.\u00a0 One of the things we do where I work is study the culture of marriage and where it's going.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0It used to be that studying what is called \"courtship\" in the academic literature was a primary focus in sociology in the '40s and '50s.\u00a0 Plenty of researchers were studying courtship. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0That really fell by the wayside since the 1960s, and we really don't know much about what \u2013 you know, before young people are thinking seriously about marriage, before they're getting married, before they're having marriage problems, we don't know much about how they get to that point; how they think about marriage long before they do it; how they think about how do you meet someone and what's the right way to meet someone and what's all this for before marriage?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0And I want to stop you there, because one of the points in your executive summary was why courtship disappeared, and you tied it to a lack of parental involvement.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tElizabeth:\u00a0Very much so.\u00a0 I think that the generation \u2013 I'm 36, my parents are in their 50s \u2013 and I think the baby boomer generation that raised me and those younger than me, no longer knew what to say.\u00a0 Many of them were divorced, and I don't think that makes you unable to say something to your child at all about dating and relationships, but it seems to make a lot of parents reluctant to share their own experience, because they're not sure \u2013 they feel like they've made mistakes or it didn't work out right for them so what can they say?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And also just the norms have just continued to change just so fast.\u00a0 Parents don't even know we're \u2013 you know, it was crazy enough for them in the '60s, and now you've got whole 'nother thing going on.\u00a0 They don't know what to say to their kids, so they say and do nothing often when it comes to marriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And, even moreso, especially for our most high-achieving students with the highest aspirations, the advice that they tend to get from their parents and the culture and their guidance counselors is when it comes to marriage the advice is, \"Don't get married too soon.\u00a0 Keep your options open.\u00a0 Don't think about that right now.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0So if they say, \"I want to be a lawyer,\" well, everybody will say to them, \"Okay, you want to be a lawyer, this is how you do it, you need to do this and take this test and go to this school and focus on these priorities, and that's how you get to be a lawyer someday.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0But if you say, \"I want to be married,\" everybody falls silent.\u00a0 They don't know what to say.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0I really appreciate research like you've done.\u00a0 We must have scholarly, airtight research that's done by quality principles and great people and commissioned by think tanks like you work for.\u00a0 But I want to be quick to add we do not need research to prove the truth of the Bible.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0The Bible stands on its own as being the truth.\u00a0 Now, I'm not putting your research down.\u00a0 Hear me on this \u2013 I think we need that research, it's going to take us into realms where we may not be able to lead with the Bible.\u00a0 But what I want parents to feel is you know what?\u00a0 The truth is the truth, and you just need to teach that truth from the Scripture in every way possible with your children because in their soul and in their hearts, they need that guidance.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0This culture is a culture that takes no hostage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0I thought it was real interesting, as I looked through your report, in addition to Mom and Dad not being proactive and engaged on this issue, there was another major factor that took place that changed the courtship culture on the college campus, and I thought about this in relationship to my son who is in the honors dorm at his college campus, and the room next door is \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tElizabeth:\u00a0Has a really cute girl living there.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0It's a suite of four girls.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tElizabeth:\u00a0No temptation there.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0I remember moving him in and thinking, \"Boy, this is different than when I went to college.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0You're not in Kansas \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tElizabeth:\u00a0You're not the only dad who thought that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Not in Kansas, Toto.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0And, of course, where I went to college, there was a bathroom down the hall, and we all shared that bathroom.\u00a0 Now everybody's got their own bathroom, and so you think, \"Okay, this is really no different than a hotel, this is no different than apartments.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0But what it's led to is a very different courting culture, hasn't it?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tElizabeth:\u00a0It has.\u00a0 One of the things we identified in this report \u2013 we only talked to the women, so that's the caveat.\u00a0 We did not talk to college men for this report, and I'd love to do a follow-up with the men.\u00a0 But what the women tell us is that college men today seem passive; that they don't ask you out on a date; that they are reluctant, after you've been hooking up or hanging out for some period of time, they're reluctant to define the relationship.\u00a0 When a woman wants to know what kind of relationship they're in, she has to initiate the talk, and it's a funny kind of passivity because when she initiates the talk he gets to make the decision.\u00a0 So it's kind of a passive power.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0But one of the reasons it seems that they might be passive is that they don't have to do much to get a girl.\u00a0 You know, you don't have to tuck in your shirt and shave and walk out and identify one and say, \"She's the one I want, I'm going to pursue her,\" because you're living in a dorm with all these women all around, and you're all hanging out often as friends in very nice ways, but when you want to pursue a relationship with someone, you can kind of just hook up with the girl who lives next door.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And, it's funny, because students will say \u2013 they have all these words like \"dormcest,\" you know, and supposed rules about you're not supposed to \"hook up\" with someone who lives in your dorm, because then it gets really messy after because then you see each other all the time, even when you're not hooking up anymore. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0But, still, they do it because, you know, the dorms are filled with alcohol, often, and men and women, you know, things happen.\u00a0 And so \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0And there is a direct correlation between alcohol and the culture of hooking up, right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tElizabeth:\u00a0Absolutely.\u00a0 Everybody says the agreed-upon definition of a hook-up is when a girl and a guy get together for a physical encounter and don't expect anything further.\u00a0 And people broadly agree that alcohol is almost always involved in this \u2013 other drugs, maybe, but alcohol primarily.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0I could be as little as kissing.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tElizabeth:\u00a0Yes, it can be kissing, it can be sex, it can be sex in various ways that our presidents and others have described it.\u00a0 So it can be ambiguous, but it's something physical.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Okay.\u00a0 The other thing I wanted to ask you about, and this was a hot-button for me \u2013 it seems as though what your research was saying was that wherever co-ed dorms went, men stopped being men, and they became passive, and you heard one school who gave you the lame excuse for why they had moved to co-ed dorms. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tElizabeth:\u00a0Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Share that with our audience, because I found that to be unbelievable \u2013 that this was their solution to a problem on their campus.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tElizabeth:\u00a0Yes.\u00a0 One school with which I was quite familiar was having this dorm \u2013 they had this dorm on campus, a male dorm, just young men living in it, and it was getting trashed all the time \u2013 pulling sinks out of the walls and throwing sofas out the second-story windows \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Because young men lived in it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tElizabeth:\u00a0Because young men lived in it, doing what they do, especially if you throw in some beer.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Back to what Bob was saying, \"Young barbarians.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tElizabeth:\u00a0\"Young barbarians,\" God bless 'em, I'm raising one now, and I love \u2013 men are great, but they need help.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0And so this dorm was getting \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tElizabeth:\u00a0So this dorm was getting trashed much to the consternation of everybody involved.\u00a0 Nobody liked \u2013 you know, this makes the neighbors of the college angry, the custodial staff don't like it, the parents, when their kids get in trouble about it, they don't like hearing about it.\u00a0 So it's a problem for everybody.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0So the solution was to make the dorm co-ed because they know, administrators know, that the women, at least to some extent, civilize the men simply by their presence and also by them just being \u2013 I mean \u2013 you should hear women talk about what it's like to share a bathroom with a man, a college guy, and just how gross these guys are.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0So women, to some extent, civilize the men.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0I've got to stop you, I've got to stop you.\u00a0 There are a lot of wives right now \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tElizabeth:\u00a0Who are saying, \"Yeah, it doesn't change,\" yeah, \"You wouldn't believe how my husband leaves that bathroom in the morning.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0So the women civilize the men, even if they don't clean up after them, just by wrinkling their noses and saying, \"That's gross,\" it helps to some extent, and the administrators know this, and it's cheaper, I think, it's pretty clear, to bring in college women to help civilize the men rather than deal with the problem in other ways.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And for someone like me it's funny.\u00a0 I was actually raised as a feminist.\u00a0 I was a feminist at age 6, and I look at this, and I think, \"Okay, here are these young women\" \u2013 first of all, their test scores are higher to get into school, because we can talk about the sex ratio in a minute, but the sex ratio is uneven.\u00a0 There are more college women now than college men, and the people who are getting affirmative action now are young white men who can get into this college with lower scores because administrators are doing what they can to help prevent the sex ratio from being even more skewed.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0So you have college women who have worked harder, on average, to get into school, and they're paying the same tuition, under the same expectations, and with no recognition and no payment, or, you know, reduction in the cost of their own housing or anything else.\u00a0 They are there to civilize the men, and I think it's a funny situation that we've entered into.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0A sad, funny situation.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tElizabeth:\u00a0A sad, funny \u2013 not funny ha-ha but funny strange.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Well, and what is really tragic is where all this is going to take us, because on the college campus, young men are not asking young ladies out in a traditional way that brings nobility to a woman, you know, that sets her apart and treats her with respect, as I've tried to train my daughters to expect from a young man.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0But, instead, they kind of expect to just kind of slide into relationships and not define those relationships and participate in those relationships and maybe even some things that were meant for marriage without any commitment.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And as a result what we're seeing emerge on the college campus, and your research documents this, is a whole generation of young men who are even more passive than their predecessors.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tElizabeth:\u00a0Yes, I mean, the thing about the older dating culture, a lot of times people look at that, people out in the culture, and say, \"Well, that was oppressive because men had all the power, they did the asking, and they were in charge, and women, you know, had no power.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Well, it is true that there were abuses in that environment, but the older dating culture required a lot of men.\u00a0 First of all, the risk of rejection was high, and that's hard for anybody to take.\u00a0 One thing that the men now avoid in the hook-up culture is the risk of rejection, because if you're not clear about what you want and who you want, and you don't do things to make your intentions clear, you also don't get rejected.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0For some reason, young people today, I think, are extraordinarily afraid of being rejected, and this hook-up thing, which is fueled by alcohol, is a way to get around that.\u00a0 It's a way \u2013 you know, you don't have to make your intentions clear and put yourself out on the line and be vulnerable and say, \"I, me, I like you.\u00a0 You are the one I want, and I'm going to do what I can to just let you know that in every way possible, and then the ball is in your court.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0They don't do that anymore.\u00a0 Instead, it's kind of, \"Let's get drunk, and we'll do this thing, and then we'll pretend that it didn't happen the next day we see each other on campus.\u00a0 We'll ignore each other, and maybe if we do this thing enough times then we'll say maybe we're going to kind of enter into a relationship or something,\" and I'll stop there.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Well, the thing I wanted you to share with our audience, though, is how prevalent is this hooking up?\u00a0 I mean, now, as an older generation listens to you describing this, they're thinking, \"Oh, yeah, that's 3 percent, 4 percent, 5 percent of the college campus.\u00a0 It's rampant on the college campus, right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tElizabeth:\u00a0It's rampant, although it's not \u2013 it's an interesting question.\u00a0 It's not the majority of students who engage in hooking up, yet it has \u2013 it's the only thing on campus about which everyone can agree what it is and how it's done.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0So let me be more clear.\u00a0 In our national survey of college women, 40 percent had hooked up at least once.\u00a0 Only 1 in 10 had hooked up more than six times.\u00a0 Interestingly, those from divorced families were much more likely to hook up more frequently and say this as someone, myself, is from a divorced family \u2013 young women from divorced families, 37 percent had hooked up more than six times compared to 23 percent of those from intact families.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0So it's a lot of numbers, and just to kind of clarify it, what I mean is that most don't hook up.\u00a0 The ones who do only do it once or a couple of times, and then decide \"Hey, this isn't for me.\"\u00a0 But there is a core subset of those who hook up a lot, and that's how they primarily engage with their peers.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0But the point is that hooking up is the only thing on campus that everybody can kind of agree on.\u00a0 This is the only socially normed kind of relationship way of engaging with the opposite sex on campus.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0It kind of shapes the whole campus culture, even though most people don't do it, and others are making their choices in relation to hooking up.\u00a0 So, for instance, on the one end you have this kind of \u2013 this very low commitment thing called \"hooking up.\"\u00a0 But what you also hear students engaging in is something that we kind of call \"joined-at-the-hip\" relationships.\u00a0 And this is when a girl and guy get together and very quickly become and item, sleep together every night in each other's dorms, study together, do laundry together, you never seen them without \u2013 you know, you never see one of them without the other one.\u00a0 It almost becomes a joke.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And they're kind of referred to almost like a married couple, you know, their friends might say.\u00a0 So you have these folks on the other end.\u00a0 These folks want to be together.\u00a0 They generally love each other and all that, but, a lot of times, young women will say, \"You know, you get into one of these intense relationships, and you have no time for yourself anymore, no times for your friends, and you're together all the time, and then when you break up it's so hard because you were so close.\" \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And they say, \"I don't want to hook up because hooking up makes me feel bad, and I don't want to do this joined-at-the-hip thing again, because I got hurt by that, and I had no time for anything else, so what do I do?\u00a0 What other choices are there for me?\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And the question that we had, as researchers, especially researchers thinking about marriage, was most of these young women say they want to be married someday.\u00a0 They say it's a very important goal for them. Many of them say they'd like to meet their future husband at college.\u00a0 Not necessarily get married in college or even right after college, but this is a good time to meet a nice young guy, you'd think.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0What is this environment doing to prepare them for marriage?\u00a0 It seems to be doing almost nothing.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0And, in fact, seems to be working against that as a goal or an objective, right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tElizabeth:\u00a0Yes, this environment seems to be hampering their ability to form a lasting, trusting, healthy marriage in the future.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0And back to how we started this broadcast \u2013 if there has ever been a time when parents don't need to back out, if there has ever been a time when parents need to be there, be all there, be engaged, and discussing these matters, and talking about them and giving their children, giving their adult children the freedom to have different ideas than we had, you know, and that's so difficult.\u00a0 I mean, that's not easy, for a parent to watch a child reject the faith they grew up in and begin to explore and venture out.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0But to be able to offer them grace and forgiveness and a listening ear but, at the same time, hold the standard high.\u00a0 Because what I hear you saying, Elizabeth, is these young women needed somebody with a compass \u2013 \"Point me in the direction of how do I begin to establish a relationship, because ultimately I do want to be married; I do want to have a family.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0And you are probably going to have to prepare your daughter, if she's headed to college of if she's in college, that these are going to be lonely, uncomfortable years when you're going to be out of the social norm, if that's what you want and if you want it to be a healthy situation on the other end.\u00a0 You're going to be out of the mainstream, and you're not going to like it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0You could give Laura, our most recent graduate from college, a call at this point.\u00a0 Now, I can assure you, she would tell you it was very \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0She would affirm that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0\u2026 very lonely.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Yes, because if this is the dominant culture, and you don't fit in, it's going to be hard for you, and I think having a copy of your research findings, which are available on our website at FamilyLife.com.\u00a0 You can download them as a PDF file and print them out on your computer.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0I've taken this home and talked about it with my wife and with our older children, because I think this is some stunning research that should open dialog between parents and older teens.\u00a0 And, as I said, this report is on our website at FamilyLife.com.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0If you go to our home page and click the red button that says \"Go,\" that you see on the home page right in the center of the screen, that will take you to an area of the site where you can download the PDF file that we've talked about, and where you will find a variety of resources for older teens and for young singles on the subject of sexual purity.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Things like Joshua Harris's book, \"Sex is Not the Problem, Lust Is.\"\u00a0 Or Elizabeth Elliott's classic book, \"Passion and Purity.\"\u00a0 We also have copies of the books, \"Every Man's Battle,\" and \"Every Woman's Battle,\" that deal with sexual temptation in the area of pornography or in the area of unhealthy relationships for young women.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Again, go to our website, FamilyLife.com, and click the red \"Go\" button that you see in the middle of the screen, and you might review some of the resources that I've mentioned here just to see if any of these would be appropriate for you to send to a college student or a young single to go through, or if you have a high school junior or senior, you might want to get copies of these and start going through them now in preparation for the time when you will launch your son or your daughter to the college campus.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0 Again, the website is FamilyLife.com.\u00a0 Click that red \"Go\" button that you see in the middle of the screen, or, if you'd prefer, you can call 1-800-358-6329.\u00a0 That's 1-800-F-as-in-family, L-as-in-life, and then the word TODAY.\u00a0 Someone on our team can let you know about what resources are available from us here at FamilyLife, and we can make arrangements to have things sent to you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Well, I think some of our listeners, Dennis, know, by now, about the Challenge Fund that has been established during the month of August.\u00a0 Many of our listeners are calling or going online to make a donation to the ministry of FamilyLife Today, and they're taking part in this Challenge Fund to try to encourage other listeners to join with them in helping to support the ministry of FamilyLife Today, and it's kind of fun to see some of these challenges.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0For example, we heard from a man who wanted to encourage all dads who want to become the kind of men and husbands and fathers that God intends for them to be.\u00a0 This man made a donation of $33 and said, \"I want to challenge other dads to make a $33 donation as well.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0We heard from one listener who said, \"I want to challenge those people who live next door to a family with teenagers, and I want to challenge you not just to donate, but I want to challenge you to introduce your next-door neighbor to some of FamilyLife's resources that are aimed at helping teenagers.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And I'm thinking about the report that we talked about today.\u00a0 That would be something that you could print out and share with a neighbor if they have teenagers.\u00a0 They made a $20 donation and challenged other listeners to make a $20 donation.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And then heard from a listener in California with a $200 donation challenging the rest of the listeners in the state of California to do the same, and a listener from the Kansas City area, who made a $70 donation and wanted to challenge Kansas City area listeners to the same thing.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0If you can make a donation to help the ministry of FamilyLife Today during the month of August, we would love to hear from you, and we want to encourage you either to respond to a challenge or to issue a challenge of your own, and you can do that online at FamilyLife.com.\u00a0 As you're filling out the donation form, there is a space there for you to issue a challenge.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Or if you call 1-800-FLTODAY and make a donation over the phone, you can offer a challenge as well, and let me say we appreciate your financial participation, your support of this ministry, and we really appreciate hearing from you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Tomorrow Elizabeth Marquardt is going to be back with us as we continue to look at what's really happening on college campuses and this whole culture of hooking up.\u00a0 We'll hear more about the research that she has done on tomorrow's program.\u00a0 I hope you can be with us for that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0I want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team.\u00a0 On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 We'll see you back next time for another edition of FamilyLife Today. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0FamilyLife Today is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas, a ministry of Campus Crusade for Christ. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t________________________________________________________________\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts for you. However, there is a cost to transcribe, create, and produce them for our website. If you've benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright \u00a9 FamilyLife. 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