{"id":301304,"date":"2007-02-13T12:00:00","date_gmt":"2007-02-13T17:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/keeping-the-romance-fires-burning\/"},"modified":"2007-02-13T12:00:00","modified_gmt":"2007-02-13T17:00:00","slug":"keeping-the-romance-fires-burning","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/keeping-the-romance-fires-burning\/","title":{"rendered":"Keeping the Romance Fires Burning"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>Need a little more flicker from your flame?  On the broadcast today, Barbara Rainey, wife of FamilyLife President Dennis Rainey, tells husbands and wives how to make new sparks in your marriage using a little romance as kindling.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Need a little more flicker from your flame?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2007-02-13.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:","filesize":"13.22M","filesize_raw":"13857948","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2088],"tags":[4086,4926,2877,4714],"podcast_series":[7505],"cwp_profile":[],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-301304","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-romance-and-sex","tag-commitment","tag-faithfulness","tag-marriage","tag-romance","podcast_series-barbara-on-romance","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/301304\/keeping-the-romance-fires-burning","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/301304\/keeping-the-romance-fires-burning","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"X50jt92Tyl\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/keeping-the-romance-fires-burning\/\">Keeping the Romance Fires Burning<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/keeping-the-romance-fires-burning\/embed\/#?secret=X50jt92Tyl\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Keeping the Romance Fires Burning&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"X50jt92Tyl\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":["https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg",508,508,false]},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"kfairris@familylife.com","author_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/author\/kfairrisfamilylife-com\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"Need a little more flicker from your flame?","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2007-02-13.pdf","transcript_content":"<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Welcome to FamilyLife Today, and we need to start right off, first thing, by asking our friends here at this radio station to forgive us, because we're going to open today's program with wise advice for me, modeling for men, on how to express your love and your devotion for your spouse.\u00a0 Here is a classic pop song from the '60s by Percy Sledge.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Percy Sledge singing \"When a Man Loves a Woman\"]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0All right, that's all we're going to play of the song, and let me again apologize to our friends here at the station, but we're trying to evidence the fact this week that this subject of romance is one that has been written about, thought about, meditated on, philosophized about for a lot of years from a lot of different people, and we're trying to point out that men and women think differently about the subject of romance, don't they?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0They do, and, well, we've got someone in the studio who is definitely a woman, she is a great woman, she is my wife, and it's really fun to have Barbara back with us on the broadcast again today.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Yeah, Barbara, welcome back to the broadcast.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBarbara:\u00a0Thanks, glad to be here.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0You know, yesterday, and I've been thinking about this all night.\u00a0 I went home and just kind of mulled on this.\u00a0 It's a little frustrating to know that once I have an idea of how my wife views romance, she's going to change the rules on me.\u00a0 That was one of the lessons out of yesterday's broadcast.\u00a0 And to be aware that romance is going to get progressively harder as we continue in marriage.\u00a0 It was easy in courtship, but it gets progressively harder as we're married.\u00a0 Is that right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Absolutely.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Well, that's lousy.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Well, you think about what's God up to here?\u00a0 He is trying to rid us of selfishness, and if we could, we would kick it in neutral and just coast all the way in to year 50 of the marriage.\u00a0 We wouldn't have to work at it.\u00a0 It would just be like jumping off the edge of a cliff.\u00a0 We would romantically fall into each other's arms and hopelessly under the control of romance like gravity and not have to really work at knowing and loving and caring for and meeting the needs of the other person. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And I think that's why God created marriage.\u00a0 He created it to be redemptive.\u00a0 He wants me to give up my life for my wife.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBarbara:\u00a0Exactly.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0And that's why romance becomes really elusive in a marriage where a man is threatening to leave, or a man is sending all kinds of signals that he's not committed, and he's putting fear in the marriage not casting it out.\u00a0 1 John, chapter 4 talks about perfect love casting out all fear, and that's a man's assignment.\u00a0 And a lot of men want their wives to fall in a puddle at their feet in romantic love, in a swoon, but they're not willing to give up their hobbies, their interests, their selfish desires for their wives.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Now, how do I know that?\u00a0 Because I am a man, and because I've done that, and back to the subject we were talking about a little earlier \u2013 are women justified in not trusting men?\u00a0 I think absolutely.\u00a0 Any woman who knows the heart of a man would have good reason not to trust them, because we are selfish.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBarbara:\u00a0And, see, I was thinking when you talked about it being redemptive, I was thinking that as you were saying that, and that ultimately is what is going to draw a wife to her husband, because when she sees him loving her unconditionally, seeking to understand her and know her and be involved in her life and help her and all of those things, then she is going to respond to him, and as she sees him giving up himself and denying himself and getting rid of his bad habits or putting away his hobbies or whatever for her, those kinds of things are redemptive.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And, see, that's what I was saying a minute ago, that just recently I have felt a different attraction to Dennis, or a new attraction to him, I guess, or an increased one, because I'm realizing what he has done for me personally and how I have changed, as a woman, because of being married to you, to my husband.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And so I think that in the long haul of things, as we see marriage as being a redemptive relationship, that is the hope of responding to one another.\u00a0 That is the hope of having romance \u2013 is growing together in Christ, denying yourselves for each other, and especially for a husband as the head of the home and the head of his wife, as he will deny himself for her, as he will love her, as he will sacrifice for her, as he will seek to understand her, why she is the way she is and accept her for that \u2013 not condemn her for it and not to seek to understand her so he can get her to change so he can be happy with her.\u00a0 But all in pursuit of loving her, then she will respond to that ultimately.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Again, it has to be for the purpose, though, that God intended, and that is to love her as Christ loved the church.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0With no response in return.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBarbara:\u00a0That's right, with no strings attached.\u00a0 In other words, he can't say I'm going to do this, and then she is going to respond, and then I'll get what I want, because that defeats the purpose of sacrificial love, because then it's not self-sacrificing.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0And that's the difficulty for a man, because a man usually sets goals, and he is after something, and with romance it may be the sexual dimension of the marriage relationship that he is in pursuit of his wife on, and that's why, as you approach this subject of romance and learning how to speak it as a man to your wife, you've got to understand, I've got to understand, that you deny your agenda, you give up your goal and let the goal me solely just that she would feel love; that she would know she is valued, cared for, and cherished, and that she is seeing you nourish her, just as Ephesians 5 talks about.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0But here is the rub in that \u2013 because a man is thinking to him, the way I'll know that, the way I'll know that she's been loved is she'll respond.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0So if she's not responding, then the message is \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0\u2026 I haven't done a good job loving her.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0I haven't done a good job.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0And we've had that conversation.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBarbara:\u00a0And you've said that to me \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0\u2026 I have \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBarbara:\u00a0\u2026 many times \u2013 \"I must not be loving you right.\"\u00a0 And it's not just because I'm not responding sexually or in a particular way, but you're sensing from me a lack of response toward you, and it's because of areas in my life that you didn't understand or that you didn't know about me or that I was unable to trust at a particular phase, and so we've talked those things through, and I think good, solid marriage relationships need to take the risk of talking those things through, and I needed to hear you say that, and you needed to hear back from me why I was not feeling loved, why I was not feeling like I could respond.\u00a0 And those kinds of conversations are not easy to have.\u00a0 I mean, they have been difficult conversations that we've had through the years.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0But because of our commitment to making this thing work and to making it be all that God intended it to be, we have had some of those really tough conversations, and they've not been fun but, in the long run, as we've had them and had them again and had them again, they have ultimately been productive in bringing understanding to each of us but particularly to Dennis in understanding me and then better how to love me.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0You know, as you were talking, there were really two things that I was thinking about \u2013 number one, the process that we have been through to be able to come to this point of pygmy understanding \u2013 I'm talking about infantile understanding, because that's what it feels like to me, as a man.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBarbara:\u00a0Yeah, we've come a long way, haven't we?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Yeah, it's not where you are today, it's how much distance you've covered.\u00a0 I keep telling myself that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBarbara:\u00a0That's right, that's right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0But it's, first of all, that \u2013 that what you're hearing today is the process of 22 years of dialog, and I mean, at points, fierce dialog; I mean heated dialog.\u00a0 No, not hitting, not swinging but verbally spilling one's guts before one another and being real and being honest and anguish over selfishness \u2013 my own, Barbara's, over sin, and going through the process of a lot of that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And then the second thing is what we're talking about here has come out of something that is most fundamental, and that is a commitment, a bedrock, granite-solid, that is immovable.\u00a0 No escape clauses, no escape hatches, no way out.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBarbara:\u00a0And no threats.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0And no threats \u2013 never a threat.\u00a0 Was there the thought of a threat?\u00a0 Absolutely.\u00a0 I mean, do human beings have thoughts of threatening the other person?\u00a0 I think it's the Christian who is denying their own feelings at that point.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0But this freedom of discussion has come about as a result of two people who are committed \u2013 committed, first of all, to Jesus Christ because without the fear of the Lord and a commitment to Him and setting ourselves apart unto Him first, deciding He will be our Lord and Savior of our lives, our Master, our Redeemer.\u00a0 He sets the agenda, it is Him that must be obeyed above all else.\u00a0 That settles it, that settles the fight, that settles the argument, that settles the differences and disagreements.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0But there have been some evenings that lasted long into the night and some mornings that came early as a result of the dialog.\u00a0 But when we got up in the morning, and we looked at each other, there was no thought of going anywhere.\u00a0 It was two people deeply committed to Christ, and that commitment was mirrored in our commitment to one another.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Yeah, those are the late nights or the early mornings I'll look at Mary Ann, and I'll say, \"You are not my enemy,\" and she'll say, \"You are not my enemy,\" and we'll press through, we'll keep going, we'll keep after.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBarbara:\u00a0That's right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0And I think a lot of young couples who are listening to our broadcast today and who go through life, they think they're entering into real war at these points, and, yeah, it's rugged, it's \u2013 you're climbing some craggy cliffs at this point but you know what?\u00a0 That's part of our relationship.\u00a0 I mean, if it was easy, and there were no rocky points, I guess I would have to say, \"Hm, I think I may fear for you a little bit.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Have you not had anything hard to work through?\u00a0 I mean, I really fear for the couple who say that haven't ever argued, who haven't really differed, who haven't really had to hammer some of these misunderstandings out, because it's in those discussions that you realize how different you are from one another and what a gift God has given you in your spouse.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0I can imagine that there are women who listen to this discussion, and they're going \"Yes!\"\u00a0 You know, somebody understands what it's like to be a woman; somebody understands what women want romantically in marriage.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And men listen to it, and they go, \"This is much harder work than I ever thought it would be.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0That's right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0And I've got a secretary at work or a gal around the office who doesn't make it as hard as my wife makes it.\u00a0 She \u2013 I'm not even trying, and she's responding to me.\u00a0 My wife \u2013 I'm putting in 10 hours a week doing everything I can think, turning cartwheels, to get her to respond.\u00a0 The gal at the office, all I do is walk by, and she's flirting with me.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And you can see where a man in that situation says, \"Man, I want to go where it's easier.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Well, the light's on in that house \u2013\u00a0 \"Welcome home, buddy.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBarbara:\u00a0But she's a woman, and 10 years later he'll be in the same boat all over again.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Or sooner.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBarbara:\u00a0Or sooner.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0We're talking about emotional affairs, and that's where it starts, and it's a lie, it's an absolute lie from the pit of hell. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0But it does give you some understanding as to why a guy \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0\u2026 oh, absolutely \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBarbara:\u00a0\u2026 that's right \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0\u2026 would switch wives every 10 years, because, all of a sudden, five years in, three years in, whatever it is, he goes, \"I thought this was heaven because you used to respond.\u00a0 Now it's hard.\u00a0 I'll go find somebody who it's not hard for,\" and he just keeps rotating.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Yeah, but you think about that person at the end of his life or, for that matter, that woman who attracts him, at the end of her life, and they've been through two or three mates.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBarbara:\u00a0And they are going to be very lonely people, because there won't be anybody at the end who is committed, who really knows them, who have been there through the hard things, difficult things, and still is committed, and they will not have experienced what God intended in marriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0They're going to be bitter and angry, too.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBarbara:\u00a0That's right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0You go back, and you look at the first year of marriage, and the first year of marriage is like falling off that cliff.\u00a0 You just kind of fall into each other's arms, and you can't stay away from each other.\u00a0 And you get married then, all of a sudden, you realize it's not as easy to create that over and over and over again.\u00a0 And then you have children, and you find out it's very difficult, and then you have health problems, and there's job issues, and then there are emotional issues, and there are extended family issues, and life becomes clutter and crowded \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBarbara:\u00a0\u2026 and complicated.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0That's right, where the Lord Himself is at work in your life, whittling away, taking you to deeper levels of denial, self-denial, and trying to get you out of denial, and, at that point, it's where the commitment has to kick in and two people must say to one another \u2013 \"I love you, I'm committed, we're going for it,\" because in the end they are going to have a real relationship with a real person who knows them.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And I've said this to Barbara even in the middle of some of our heated discussions \u2013 I would rather have the discussion than to go through life denying that I'm disappointed or denying that we have a disagreement or denying that I've got feelings and have her think she's winning.\u00a0 And you've got to get some of those things out, but that is risky feeling because that means the other person has to hear this, and must hear it without feeling threatened or like they are being attacked or like the commitment is falling into question.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And that's a real challenge \u2013 to let somebody know that you're upset in the middle of the moment but still let me know, you know what?\u00a0 I'm not going anywhere, I love you, I'm committed to you, but we've got to talk this thing out, we've got to work it through.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBarbara:\u00a0I need you to know how I feel.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0That's right.\u00a0 \"This is important enough to me that we've got to connect here.\u00a0 I need you to know how we feel.\"\u00a0 And this is where I'd give the man's side of things a bit \u2013 toward a woman, as a man has tried to love his wife, and he's missed it.\u00a0 And a woman needs to understand at those points he may be feeling like a failure as a man.\u00a0 He may have done the best he knows how to do, and he's got to be coached.\u00a0 And the time to coach him is not right after he fails, because at that point he's probably feeling like a failure already, anyway, but write him a letter, somehow communicate to him, but let him know how can he win you?\u00a0 And then realize you're going to probably have to rewrite that letter again in two or three years after he moves it to an A+B=C.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBarbara:\u00a0Well, and let him know that you appreciate him trying.\u00a0 I mean, even that is worth a lot, because I think a woman who understands that her husband is trying to love her and is trying to understand her, she needs to let him know that she appreciates that and that she values that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Do you love Dennis more today than you did 22 years ago?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBarbara:\u00a0Oh, gosh, yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Okay, I wouldn't go back to that first year of marriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBarbara:\u00a0Oh, man.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Well, now, wait, with that said, how come it doesn't feel like it?\u00a0 I mean, back 22 years ago when all of the feelings were there, it was gravity falling off a cliff \u2013 how come, if you loved him so much more 22 years later, it doesn't feel like it did then?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBarbara:\u00a0Well, I think because I know him more, and I know what his love means.\u00a0 I mean, I know what it's cost him.\u00a0 I mean, it's cost him a lot to love me, and he has denied himself a lot.\u00a0 He has given a lot, he's done a lot, he's prayed a lot, he's tried a lot, he's failed a lot.\u00a0 And I know that it's not cheap.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Do you think as the years go on, some of that early romantic feeling with re-emerge?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0I think that we have probably gone through one of the toughest periods or seasons.\u00a0 We had six kids in 10 years.\u00a0 Those years are among the most challenging. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Now, we've just gone through another season where we had four teenagers at one time \u2013 incredibly challenging.\u00a0 But I think, little by little, as the kids leave and as Barbara's attention can come back again \u2013 not solely to me, because her life has never revolved totally around me \u2013 my thought would be I think there will be more room for those feelings, more room for that to happen, because there will be more time for just the two of us and our relationship.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0And it's the couples who, during the time when the kids are growing, who kind of move everything to the back shelf or let the flame die out, who reach that later time, and there's nothing there.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBarbara:\u00a0Yeah.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0And that's why this series on romance is so important, because I don't think the Christian community is talking enough about romance.\u00a0 I mean, it is important to a marriage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Now, we've talked about how difficult it is to achieve, and it's elusive, and it's hard, and it's difficult, and you can't be guaranteed of it.\u00a0 Now, make it important.\u00a0 Now it almost sounds like a crazy maker, but I think God wants us to have fire in our friendship with our spouse, and I think romance is that fire that flows out of that commitment and that friendship.\u00a0 And you can't always be guaranteed of it.\u00a0 As a man, you want to push the buttons, 1, 2, 3= the result of romance.\u00a0 It won't always happen, we've made that clear.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBarbara:\u00a0Well, and there are times when that's there.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0That's right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBarbara:\u00a0But that isn't the defining characteristic.\u00a0 The relationship and the commitment and the knowing one another and growing closer and closer together \u2013 that's what defines the romance, and that's what it blossoms out of is that relationship.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0And we've got to acknowledge that this is something that takes effort.\u00a0 It takes a little work for this to happen.\u00a0 In fact, one of the chapters in the book, \"Rekindling the Romance,\" in the men's half of the book, Dennis, one of the chapters that you wrote is called \"Sailing out of the Doldrums,\" and you talk about those times in a marriage relationship when the romance gets stale, and if a husband wants to help navigate their way out of the doldrums, there are some things he can do.\u00a0 You outline them in that chapter of the book.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0In fact, I don't know how many of our listeners have read your book, \"Rekindling the Romance,\" but it's a wonderful book \u2013 half of it written for men, half for women.\u00a0 Barbara, you wrote the half where you talk to women about how a wife can make romance a more vital part of the marriage relationship and, Dennis, you wrote the half for men.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0We've got copies of it in our FamilyLife Resource Center, and any of our listeners who would like to get a copy of the book, you can go to our website, FamilyLife.com, click the red button in the middle of the screen.\u00a0 It's a heart-shaped button that says \"Go.\"\u00a0 You can click on that button, it will take you right to a page where there's more information about how to get a copy of the book, \"Rekindling the Romance.\"\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Also information about a 31-day devotional that the two of you have written called \"Moments Together for Intimacy,\" that gives couples an opportunity to connect each day around God's Word.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And any of our listeners who are interested in getting both of these books, we'll be happy to send along at no additional cost the CD audio of your thoughts this week, Barbara, on how a wife views romance, and I think it's great for both husbands and wives to listen to.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0We have all of these resources in our FamilyLife Resource Center.\u00a0 Go to our website, FamilyLife.com, for more information on how you can receive these resources or call us at 1-800-FLTODAY.\u00a0 That's 1-800-358-6329, and someone on our team can let you know what's available and how you can get it sent to you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Because this month is so focused on romance and love because of Valentine's Day, this month we wanted to also make available to any of our listeners who could help us with a donation of any amount for the ministry of FamilyLife Today, we wanted to send you a CD that has two messages on it \u2013 one message for husbands and one message for wives.\u00a0 These are messages given by our friends, C.J. and Carolyn Mahaney.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0C.J. talks to husbands about the romance basics, and Carolyn talks to wives about the same thing but from a woman's perspective.\u00a0 And we would love to send this CD to you as a thank you gift when you make a donation of any amount to the ministry of FamilyLife Today during the month of February.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0We are listener-supported, so those donations go a long way to keeping us on the air on this station and on other stations all across the country.\u00a0 When you make a donation this month online, as you're filling out your donation form, if you'd like to receive the CD, just type the word \"love\" in the keycode box that you will see there on the online form or call us at 1-800-FLTODAY.\u00a0 You can make a donation over the phone and just mention that you'd like the \"love\" CD from C.J. and Carolyn Mahaney.\u00a0 I don't know that that's what we call it but they'll know what you're talking about if you ask for the CD on romance that's being offered this month.\u00a0 We'll be happy to send it to you, again, with a donation of any amount to the ministry of FamilyLife Today, and we appreciate your financial support.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Well, tomorrow it's Valentine's Day, and we've got a special Valentine's Day top 10 list \u2013 the Top 10 ways a husband can show his affection and his care for his wife with commentary from Barbara Rainey.\u00a0 I hope you can be with us for that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0I want to thank our engineer today, Mark Whitlock, and our entire broadcast production team.\u00a0 On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 We'll see you tomorrow, on Valentine's Day, for another edition of FamilyLife Today. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0FamilyLife Today is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas, a ministry of Campus Crusade for Christ.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t______________________________________________________________\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts for you. However, there is a cost to transcribe, create, and produce them for our website. If you've benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright \u00a9 FamilyLife. 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