{"id":301277,"date":"2007-01-11T12:00:00","date_gmt":"2007-01-11T17:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/qa-about-separation-and-divorce\/"},"modified":"2024-10-07T22:42:34","modified_gmt":"2024-10-08T02:42:34","slug":"qa-about-separation-and-divorce","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/qa-about-separation-and-divorce\/","title":{"rendered":"Q&#038;A About Separation and Divorce"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>On the broadcast today, Laura Petherbridge, author of the divorce recovery guide When Your Marriage Dies, answers some of your most common questions about separation and divorce.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2007-01-11.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:","filesize":"10.94M","filesize_raw":"11466794","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2903,2812,2813],"tags":[4033,4874],"podcast_series":[7498],"cwp_profile":[3308],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-301277","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-infidelity","category-realities-of-divorce","category-recovering-from-divorce","tag-divorce","tag-infidelity","podcast_series-when-a-marriage-dies","cwp_profile-laura-petherbridge","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/301277\/qa-about-separation-and-divorce","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/301277\/qa-about-separation-and-divorce","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"tUU6weL23m\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/qa-about-separation-and-divorce\/\">Q&#038;A About Separation and Divorce<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/qa-about-separation-and-divorce\/embed\/#?secret=tUU6weL23m\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Q&#038;A About Separation and Divorce&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"tUU6weL23m\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":["https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg",508,508,false]},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"kfairris@familylife.com","author_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/author\/kfairrisfamilylife-com\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"On the broadcast today, Laura Petherbridge, author of the divorce recovery guide When Your Marriage Dies, answers some of your most common questions about separation and divorce.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2007-01-11.pdf","transcript_content":"<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0A divorce can be like some kind of a natural disaster hitting your home, and when that happens, people have to pull back and say, \"What do I do first?\"\u00a0 Here's counsel from Laura Petherbridge.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLaura:\u00a0When people ask me what's the best thing a single parent can do?\u00a0 I say \"Stabilize, stabilize, stabilize.\"\u00a0 The more stable you are, the more stable your children will become.\u00a0 So even if that other parent is doing behaviors that are destructive to the child, they will always know, \"Gee, you know, when I went to Dad's house, it was stable there.\u00a0 That's where I went and found peace.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0This is FamilyLife Today for Thursday, January 11th.\u00a0 Our host is the president of FamilyLife, Dennis Rainey, and I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 We'll offer strategies for single parents today who didn't want the marriage to end in the first place.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And welcome to FamilyLife Today.\u00a0 Thanks for joining us.\u00a0 I know when a marriage ends, people are left with a lot of questions, trying to figure out, \"How does life work from here?\"\u00a0 You know, something that we thought was going to work didn't, and at that point you go, \"Okay, now what do I do and how does it work and what are the rules and who's got a \u2013 has anybody got an owner's manual for how life works after a divorce?\"\u00a0 That's a tough place for people to be.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0It really is.\u00a0 In fact, let me read the foreword to a book, \"When Your Marriage Dies, Answers to Questions about Separation and Divorce,\" by Laura Petherbridge and, Laura, by the way, welcome to FamilyLife Today.\u00a0 I'm about to read from your book.\u00a0 I thought I ought to go ahead and let folks know you're joining us here.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0But, as you know, Steve Grissom, who is one of the leading experts on divorce care and divorce recovery in the country, wrote the foreword to your book and, Bob, just the way you started today's broadcast, I think you'd find this interesting.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0He writes, \"One of my daughters is the consummate question-asker.\u00a0 From the day she began forming even the simplest words, she has posed a constant stream of the why, what, and how questions.\u00a0 Even though I love her deeply, when I get tired, distracted, or just overwhelmed with the nonstop pace of her questioning, you know what happens.\u00a0 I tune her out.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Mind you, this is not a good parenting technique, and I do my best to avoid it, but it helps me illustrate something you'll go through if you are facing a separation or divorce.\"\u00a0 He goes on to say, \"You, too, will become a fountain of questions, even if you are not wired like my daughter.\u00a0 Important questions, profound questions, urgent questions, imponderable questions.\"\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0What I want to do today, Bob, is I want to hit some of these questions that people have who go through separation or divorce.\u00a0 And, Laura, I'd like you, as one who speaks on this subject, who teaches and trains around the area of divorce recovery, to be able to help us by answering these questions.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0The first one I'm going to ask is the question you've said people ask you all the time, which is how long will the pain last?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLaura:\u00a0And the answer to that varies.\u00a0 There is no formula.\u00a0 It depends on your circumstance.\u00a0 My circumstance was catastrophic.\u00a0 It happened in one day.\u00a0 I got up that morning, thought I was married, and by noon of that day found out that my husband was in another relationship and, you know, even though the marriage wasn't legally over, all the dreams were dying quickly.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Other people, their marriages die over a long period of time with either abuse or neglect or all kinds of reasons, and so their pain is different, their pain is different.\u00a0 They still have to grieve the death of the marriage.\u00a0 The danger is, many times they don't think they need to grieve the death of the marriage or the death of the covenant or the death of the dream, because they've been grieving for a long period of time over the sadness of what's going on.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0But if they don't take the time to grieve, it will come out later on in their life, either in their health or in their children or in their finances, it will come out somewhere.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And so the answer to that is that it's different for each person.\u00a0 The typical thing is that people think they're healed much more quickly than they actually are.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0And I want to add that usually it takes about a year to recover for every four years of marriage.\u00a0 At least that's what Steve Grissom and Divorce Care teaches in their material.\u00a0 So don't look for a quick fix to a deep wound.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0But if you took that and went back to your situation, you were married for two years.\u00a0 So that would mean six months.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLaura:\u00a0The way they calculate that is one year for every four years of marriage, but they also say with a minimum of two years for any circumstance, and that's if you're putting yourself in a recovery program.\u00a0 Those are for people who are taking the steps to get to a support group that teaches them what they've lost.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Okay, let's continue on with some of these questions.\u00a0 Is it possible to remain friends with your ex-spouse after you've divorced?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLaura:\u00a0A lot of people think that is possible, but I beg to differ.\u00a0 The key word here is \"friend.\"\u00a0 A friend is somebody you can confide in, someone you call in the middle of the night when you're hurting, someone you trust, someone who is your confidante, someone who is your deepest person that you go to.\u00a0 And when a marriage dies, and when people divorce, they are no longer friends.\u00a0 They are no longer that to each other.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Very often what they mean when they say can we remain friends, they just mean can we remain pleasant to each other.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Can we be cordial?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLaura:\u00a0Exactly, and the answer to that is not only can you, you should, especially if you have children.\u00a0 But the \"friends\" is not an accurate word, because friendship means deep, abiding trust and very often a person cannot and should not be trusted.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0You've read all the Hollywood press releases where people say so-and-so and so-and-so are getting a divorce.\u00a0 They're still wonderful friends, but \u2013 and you stop and think, \"Well, if they're still wonderful friends \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLaura:\u00a0\u2026 that's right \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0\u2026 shouldn't they be married?\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLaura:\u00a0Yeah, it would appear that way.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0It would, indeed.\u00a0 Well, while we speaking about relationships, here's your next question \u2013 what kind of relationship should a person expect to have with their in-laws after a divorce?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLaura:\u00a0Yes, that's a very common question.\u00a0 It is a good idea, if you have a very tight relationship with them, to try to wean yourself away from that to some degree because the parent \u2013 even if they're angry with their son or daughter, you know, say, perhaps, their son or daughter is the one that had the affair or is the alcoholic or whatever?\u00a0 They're going to gravitate back to their child.\u00a0 You know, chances are real good they're going to gravitate back to their child, and that's normal, that's natural, it's going to happen.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And so severing some of that emotional tie is a very good idea.\u00a0 Now, you don't want to separate your children from their grandparent or from their aunt and uncle from the other side.\u00a0 You should try to keep that relationship close, if at all possible.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0But you're saying don't continue to draw your own emotional support.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLaura:\u00a0That's correct.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Don't invest heavily in that relationship?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLaura:\u00a0That's right.\u00a0 And if you had that previously, you're going to try to take some steps backwards.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Here is a question that I've heard all too many times.\u00a0 What do I do with a former husband that won't attend his children's ball games, recitals, go to school, see the child perform.\u00a0 How do I handle that?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLaura:\u00a0Yes, unfortunately, Tom Whiteman, in his Fresh Start workbook gives a statistic in there that is going to make some men in the audience not too happy, but I have to say after 17 years of divorce recovery ministry, I agree with it, that 70 percent of all non-custodial parents \u2013 and that is not always the man, but very often it's the man \u2013 non-custodial parents have little to nothing to do with their children within two years of a divorce.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Now, Laura, what happens there?\u00a0 Why would a dad, within two years, completely or almost completely pull out of the lives of their children?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLaura:\u00a0There's a couple of reasons for that.\u00a0 Sometimes they move away.\u00a0 We live in a very mobile society, so sometimes they take a job in another area, and they just physically move away.\u00a0 Another reason is very often they get into another marriage very quickly, and they start investing in that marriage, in those children, perhaps, from the new wife's family, and\/or the children they begin having together.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Another, third, reason is that the guilt over seeing the children from the first marriage is so painful that they just avoid it.\u00a0 They just run from it, rather than \u2013 and especially if they were the person that precipitated the marriage dissolving.\u00a0 Like, if their key issue is the one that the marriage really broke up over, then they are more likely to avoid their kids because it's a constant reminder of the guilt and the shame and of the poor choice that they made.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Well, and, I mean, I hate to sound crass here, but out of sight, out of mind.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLaura:\u00a0Yup.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Life moves on.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Even though they're your own flesh and blood.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0But you're not going home to see them every day, you're not engaged in their life.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0And we are selfish, aren't we?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0You're starting to feel detached, and you don't know what's going on and, besides, next Wednesday when you're supposed to do that, the guys are getting together for something else, and your kids don't seem like they're all that excited about getting together with you, anyway, and so you just kind of let it slide.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0We need to say quickly that 30 percent of non-custodial parents remain involved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLaura:\u00a0Yes, there are a lot of parents that stay in the child's life, both male and female.\u00a0 And I don't want to be male bashing.\u00a0 My brother raised his two children by himself, so there are a lot of dads that are very, very good dads to their children.\u00a0 I don't want to minimize that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Okay, back to the question then \u2013 what do you do if that non-custodial parent doesn't show up?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLaura:\u00a0You can't do anything.\u00a0 I mean, you can go to them and say, you know, \"Johnny is really struggling when you don't come to his soccer game.\u00a0 I'm not trying to lay guilt on you, I'm just trying to tell you that it's hurting him, and I really wish you would come.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Now, if that doesn't work, and most of the time it doesn't, all you can then do is deal with Johnny when he comes home, he's wounded, he's hurt, without bashing the parent say, \"You know what?\u00a0 I know that that hurt you.\u00a0 I'm sorry that your dad's not coming to the soccer game, but I can't fix that for you.\u00a0 But I want you to be able to come to me and tell me how that feels, you know, with your dad not being there.\"\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0So the bottom line is there are some things in life we can't fix.\u00a0 You cannot fix that for your child.\u00a0 You can't make that parent be a parent.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0And if the dad says, \"I'll be there Thursday for your birthday,\" and you, as the mom, know \u2013 I've seen this pattern over and over again.\u00a0 Do you try to prepare the child in advance that, \"Listen, honey, I know Dad said he'd be here, but don't get your hopes up.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLaura:\u00a0If Dad hasn't told the child he's going to be there, first of all, I would say I wouldn't tell him.\u00a0 Like, lots of times I tell parents, \"Don't tell the child that he says he's going to come to pick them up this Friday night for the weekend.\"\u00a0 If there is a past history of him not showing, don't tell the child, and let it be a surprise when he shows up.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Now, if it's something he's verbally said to them, I would \u2013 I would sort of say, \"Well, you know, sometimes Dad works on Friday nights,\" or whatever.\u00a0 You don't lie for them, but you do sometimes need \u2013 and, again, this is all age appropriate.\u00a0 It depends on the age of the child.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Okay, now, physical presence is one thing, but financial presence in terms of child support is another.\u00a0 What if Dad is not paying his child support?\u00a0 What should that person do?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLaura:\u00a0Well, there are legal recourses to that, if that's in your divorce agreement.\u00a0 Again, state-to-state, this is going to vary.\u00a0 How you go about that is different per state, but that person is in contempt of court if they are not paying the child support that is required in the divorce agreement, and my suggestion would be to get with some people in your community.\u00a0 Usually, there are help groups in that that know who to contact on how you can get some help to get that support.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Wouldn't you go to your church, perhaps, first, to consider alternatives of maybe using some friends or friendships that might be leveraged to talk to your spouse?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLaura:\u00a0Sure.\u00a0 If there's people in the church, the pastor, you know, the leadership, or some friends that are still friends with him, and he was maybe a part of that church, that certainly would be wonderful to have them go and talk to the individual before taking it to court.\u00a0 But I will tell you, after doing this so long that that's usually what has to happen.\u00a0 They typically have to be forced to pay.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0One of the questions I hear somebody asking over and over again, and relates to a more common scenario, and I'm going to do a role-reversal here.\u00a0 Let's say it's a disciplined custodial dad and a non-custodial Disneyland mom, and every other weekend time with mom is just Chuck E. Cheese and party, and then you come home, and it's chores and real life.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLaura:\u00a0Yes, the custodial parent is typically the one that takes the abuse, because they're the one that's doing the day in, day out.\u00a0 They're the ones that's making them eat their vegetables and doing their homework, and so that's very often the place where the child will take out their anger and really become very obnoxious, because what they're trying to do is they're saying the other parent has left me or abandoned me or is not active in my life very much.\u00a0 Let's see how bad I can be before you abandon me also.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0And when that child says, \"Mom is fun.\u00a0 I want to live with Mom.\"\u00a0 What do you say?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLaura:\u00a0I would probably say, \"You know, when you're 14, if you want to consider that, you know, we will\" \u2013 because in most states that the age \u2013 \"if you want to consider that but for right now you need to abide by the rules of this house.\"\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Now, remembering that children of divorce are in trauma, so very often what's coming out of their mouth is not really what they're feeling inside.\u00a0 And so that's why I highly recommended a Divorce Care for Kids program, because they will help the kids get down to why they're behaving that way, why are they acting out that way?\u00a0 It's typically just a symptom of a much deeper hurt.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0And I'll just mention that we've got a link on our website at FamilyLife.com to where you can get more information about Divorce Care and Divorce Care for Kids, and those programs, they take place in a lot of local churches all around the country.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0And that really is some of the finest material available today.\u00a0 Laura, speak to the mom and I can just picture it being a mom more than it would be a custodial dad, but it would be a custodial mom who is not being paid a lot.\u00a0 She's arriving home.\u00a0 She's juggled daycare, a job, and short paychecks, the end of the month, and she's exhausted and whipped, and she turns on the TV and everything is about me.\u00a0 And there's nothing about her life that's about her.\u00a0 What should she do at that point in the midst of her exhaustion?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLaura:\u00a0Well, I personally believe that single parenting is the most difficult job in the United States today \u2013 I'm sure in other countries, too, but because we have such a high ratio of it here.\u00a0 For the reasons you mentioned \u2013 you're exhausted, you're working all day, you're tired \u2013 part of the reason that kids of single-parent homes are so poorly behaved is because the mom or dad is so exhausted, they just don't have the strength to discipline them.\u00a0 It's not so much that they don't want to or that they don't know how, they're too exhausted to do it.\u00a0 So that very often \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0I think personally that if a person and especially a mom does not have a support system at her church to come alongside her in this stage of raising these children, I would look outside your own church for a support group or for a system that helps single parents and teaches them how to be godly single parents, because that's what your kid's looking for.\u00a0 They're not looking for a new mommy or a new daddy, they're looking for the parent they have to become a godly, stable, single parent.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Laura, before we came into the studio a few minutes ago, you were talking about how recovery from divorce today is much darker than it was when you went through your divorce back in 1984.\u00a0 What did you mean by that?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLaura:\u00a0The reason that I believe that that's true is that when I first started doing divorce recovery, the situations, even though they were very devastating and very difficult, were not nearly as complex and depraved as they are today.\u00a0 With pornography being at epidemic levels that also means that sexual abuse towards children is at a much higher rate.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0The level of people being infected with sexually transmitted diseases is so much higher.\u00a0 The level of people leaving their marriage for a homosexual relationship, which some people may say, \"Well, maybe that would be easier if it was the opposite sex.\"\u00a0 The people that I meet, that is not the case at all.\u00a0 They are just so devastated that they were ignorant that this person had a tendency to want to pursue that in their life, and then they're left with \"How do I tell my children that their mom or dad has left for someone of the same sex?\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And so what I meant by that is the level of things that I am dealing with now in divorce recovery are so much more twisted and difficult and complex than they were when I very first started that \u2013 probably if I had known how dark this was going to get in the early years, I don't know if I would have done it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0You know, Laura, as I've listened to you answer that question and, really, Bob, all the questions that we've fired at her \u2013 anyone who is thinking about getting a divorce, you just need to pull back and go, \"This is a mess.\u00a0 It is a first-class mess.\"\u00a0 And you really need to pull back and ask yourself the question \"Is this a decision that's going to bring what I hope it brings?\"\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0I like what one sociologist at Harvard said \u2013 \"Divorce is not a solution, it's an exchange of problems.\"\u00a0 And I think today the one hope for marriage and the one solution to avoid divorce is found in the Christian community.\u00a0 It's found in the person of Jesus Christ.\u00a0 He's the one who made marriage, and He's the one who can make it work.\u00a0 And I just want to encourage couples who may be contemplating divorce, right now, having listened to you rattle off answers to some tough, tough situations, maybe you need to reconsider.\u00a0 Maybe you need to find a way to go to a Weekend to Remember, get in a small group Bible study or a Homebuilders Bible studies.\u00a0 Get a resource from us here at FamilyLife and find a way to take a fresh look at marriage from a Christian perspective, a biblical perspective.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0I've said to a lot of couples over the years who have been in a difficult spot and are contemplating divorce, I said, \"You want to make sure that you have done everything you think you can possibly do.\"\u00a0 You would not want to get to the other side and say, \"You know, I wish we had gone ahead and done that.\u00a0 I wish we'd gone to one of those Weekend to Remember deals.\u00a0 I wish we'd gotten involved in a study.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0If you're headed in that direction, just make sure you've done everything possible to try to bring reconciliation and peace and hope back to your marriage, because you're going to wish you had done that no matter where things wind up in the future.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Yeah, don't be found guilty of doing too little.\u00a0 If you're going to be found guilt of anything, be found guilty of having done too much to try to make your marriage go the distance.\u00a0 Not just for the kids, but for your own well-being, long haul, as well.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0And you talk about the Weekend to Remember Marriage Conference.\u00a0 We're about to kick off our spring season of conferences.\u00a0 We're going to be hosting them in dozens of cities all across the country this spring.\u00a0 In fact, there is likely a conference coming to a city real near where you live.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0I want to encourage our listeners, go to our website, FamilyLife.com, click the red button that says \"Go,\" in the middle of the screen, and that will take you to a page where you can get more information about the dates and locations of the upcoming Weekend to Remember Marriage Conferences this spring, and you can register online and set the weekend aside and have the two of you get away to one of these weekend conferences.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Again, our website is FamilyLife.com.\u00a0 Click the red button that says \"Go,\" in the middle of the home page, and that will take you to a link for the Weekend to Remember.\u00a0 It will also take you to a page where there is information about the book that Laura has written called \"When Your Marriage Dies, Answers to Questions about Separation and Divorce,\" and it may be that you know someone in your family, somebody in your neighborhood or in the workplace who has recently gone through a divorce.\u00a0 This would be a book you could purchase for them and share with them maybe as a way to begin a spiritual conversation with someone who doesn't know Christ.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0In addition to Laura's book, we are also recommending a book called \"Stories for Kids in Divorce,\" a read-aloud storybook put together by our friends at Divorce Care.\u00a0 This is a book to help elementary-age and younger children work through some of what they're feeling and experiencing when Mom and Dad split up in a marriage relationship.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Again, there's information about all of these resources on our website, FamilyLife.com.\u00a0 If you order both Laura's book and the storybook for children, we'll send along at no additional cost two CDs that feature this week's conversation with Laura Petherbridge.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0All the information is on the website, FamilyLife.com, or you can call for more information \u2013 1-800-358-6329 \u2013 that's 1-800-F-as-in-family, L-as-in-life, and then the word TODAY.\u00a0 We'll have someone on our team help you with any questions you have about these resources and getting them out to you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0I know that there are a number of you who are regular listeners to FamilyLife Today.\u00a0 Some of you tune in from time to time when it's convenient.\u00a0 Others of you are here pretty much every day.\u00a0 It fits into your commute or into your schedule to be able to listen to FamilyLife Today each day, and I know that among that group of regular listeners, there are also a handful of you who are regular financial supporters of the ministry of FamilyLife Today.\u00a0 We appreciate those of you who help us pay the bills around here.\u00a0 More than 60 percent of our annual revenue comes from donations from folks just like you, and it's those donations that keep FamilyLife Today on the air in this city and in cities all across the country.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0So we appreciate your financial support of this ministry and during the month of January when you make a donation of any amount to the ministry of FamilyLife Today, we have a book we'd like to send you as a thank you.\u00a0 It's written by our friends, Bill and Carolyn Wellons, and it offers couples a guidebook for a weekend away together, or a couple of days where you just do some planning together as a couple.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0The book is called \"Getting Away to Get it Together,\" and we want to send it out as a thank you gift this month for those of you who are able to help with a donation of any amount for the ministry of FamilyLife Today.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0You can donate online at FamilyLife.com, and if you do that, you will see a keycode box there in the donation form.\u00a0 Would you type the word \"away\" in that keycode box so that we know to send you a copy of this book?\u00a0 Or call 1-800-FLTODAY, that's 1-800-F-as-in-family, L-as-in-life, and then the word TODAY and make a donation over the phone and mention that you'd like a copy of the book called \"Getting Away to Get it Together,\" and we'll send it off to you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Again, it's our way of saying thank you for your financial support of this ministry.\u00a0 We appreciate your partnership with us, and we're glad that you're here listening regularly to FamilyLife Today.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Well, tomorrow Laura Petherbridge is going to be back with us.\u00a0 We're going to continue our conversation about rebuilding a life and a family and a hope after a marriage has died.\u00a0 I hope you can join us for that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0I want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team.\u00a0 On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 We'll see you back tomorrow for another edition of FamilyLife Today. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0FamilyLife Today is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas, a ministry of Campus Crusade for Christ.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t______________________________________________________________\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts for you. However, there is a cost to transcribe, create, and produce them for our website. If you've benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright \u00a9 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>www.FamilyLife.com<\/strong>\u00a0\n\t\t\t<\/p>","theme_header_position":"","post_header_is_sticky":"","is_header_overlay":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast\/301277","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/podcast"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/91"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=301277"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/294104"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=301277"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=301277"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=301277"},{"taxonomy":"podcast_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast_series?post=301277"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=301277"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=301277"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}