{"id":301105,"date":"2006-05-05T11:00:00","date_gmt":"2006-05-05T15:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/three-roadblocks-to-harmony\/"},"modified":"2024-10-07T22:42:19","modified_gmt":"2024-10-08T02:42:19","slug":"three-roadblocks-to-harmony","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/three-roadblocks-to-harmony\/","title":{"rendered":"Three Roadblocks to Harmony"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller  talk about three roadblocks to sibling harmony:  selfishness, foolishness and anger.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2006-05-05.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:","filesize":"11.35M","filesize_raw":"11902064","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2850],"tags":[2209,4651,4879],"podcast_series":[7449],"cwp_profile":[9008,9007],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-301105","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-character-development","tag-parenting","tag-siblings","tag-whining","podcast_series-say-goodbye-to-whining","cwp_profile-joanne-miller","cwp_profile-scott-turansky","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/301105\/three-roadblocks-to-harmony","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/301105\/three-roadblocks-to-harmony","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"cPwodgkqNb\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/three-roadblocks-to-harmony\/\">Three Roadblocks to Harmony<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/three-roadblocks-to-harmony\/embed\/#?secret=cPwodgkqNb\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Three Roadblocks to Harmony&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"cPwodgkqNb\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":["https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg",508,508,false]},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"kfairris@familylife.com","author_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/author\/kfairrisfamilylife-com\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller talk about three roadblocks to sibling harmony: selfishness, foolishness and anger.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2006-05-05.pdf","transcript_content":"<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Do your children ever tattle on each other?\u00a0 Here is JoAnn Miller.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJoAnn:\u00a0Tattling is a common problem.\u00a0 Parents often \u2013 they don't know what to do with it.\u00a0 Who do you put in trouble, then, you know, when one is tattling on another, and we want to take a different approach.\u00a0 We want to look at the problem, even as an adult, what's the biblical response?\u00a0 Well, we can look in Matthew, and we see that when there's conflict, the first thing you do is try to work it out together.\u00a0 That's what Jesus teachers, you work it out together, and if that doesn't work, then you get a third person involved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0This is FamilyLife Today for Friday, May 5th.\u00a0 Our host is the president of FamilyLife, Dennis Rainey, and I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 We're going to talk today about tattling and other common childhood maladies.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And welcome to FamilyLife Today, thanks for joining us on the Friday edition.\u00a0 Do you have anger at your house?\u00a0 Tattling at your house?\u00a0 Bragging and envy and boasting?\u00a0 Do you have kids who pick on brothers or sisters and then say, \"I was only joking.\"\u00a0 Do your children have a servant's attitude?\u00a0 Are they ever foolish?\u00a0 Today is for you, Mom and Dad.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0[laughing] You've already got your radio voice on there.\u00a0 I want to read you something I wrote 13 years ago, and this was back when we had six children, 14 and under, and we must have had an epidemic of complaining and whining and belly-aching around our house, because I wrote this.\u00a0 \"Dear Friend, I want to complain about complaining.\u00a0 I want to gripe about grumbling, grouchiness, fault-finding, and whining.\u00a0 My dad used to call it 'belly-achin'.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDo you get annoyed with complaining around your house?\u00a0 I do.\u00a0 I mean, the stuff we grumble about is really big-time, major-league circumstances.\u00a0 We gripe about who gets to sit where at the dinner table.\u00a0 We now assign seats.\u00a0 We grumble about chores, especially who cleans up after dinner.\" See, there, I told you about early in the week.\u00a0 \"We get grumpy over socks that never match, toilets that are never flushed, toys that populate the floor, and tubs that are littered with an assortment of dolls, boats, bottles, and melting bars of soap.\u00a0 Kids gripe if they see another child getting an advantage or an unfair gain.\u00a0 I murmur when my car gets trashed out by a herd of French-fry-eating youngsters and grumble when it seems we're seldom on time when our family goes anywhere.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt became so bad about a year ago that we finally memorized Scripture.\"\u00a0 Always turn to the Scripture as a last resort.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Desperation.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0\"Philippians 2:14 \u2013 'Do all things without grumbling or disputing.'\u00a0 That helped for a while.\"\u00a0 I'm not going to go ahead and read the entire piece.\u00a0 If you want to see the entire piece, you can go to our Internet site.\u00a0 There's more than you wanted to hear there about griping and complaining, but I do want to offer some solutions today from a pair who have been with us all week \u2013 Scott Turanksy and JoAnn Miller, welcome back to the broadcast.\u00a0 This has been a real treat to have you all here talking about whining, complaining, and bad attitudes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tScott:\u00a0Thank you very much, Dennis.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJoAnn:\u00a0This has been a lot of fun.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0They've written the book, \"Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining, and Bad Attitudes in You and Your Kids,\" and it's been so good that in four short days Bob Lepine and his wife Mary Ann have completely declared their home a no-whine zone.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0A whine-free zone, yes.\u00a0 It's been absolutely \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0It's perfect.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0It's wonderful, and I think it's going to stay that way now for \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0\u2026 24 hours?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0No, not that long.\u00a0 Maybe another 30 minutes, I think, I've got left.\u00a0 I came across this dictionary that \u2013 and I think children are issued this dictionary and told to memorize it when they're very young, because it has terms in it like, \"No.\"\u00a0 What does \"No\" mean?\u00a0 Well, it has three meanings.\u00a0 It either means \"Maybe,\" that's one; two, \"Check with Mom,\" or, three, \"Yes.\"\u00a0 And I think a lot of kids think that's what \"No\" means.\u00a0 Or, for example, \"Good night.\"\u00a0 Do you know what \"Good night\" means to a child?\u00a0 Well, it's a magical code word, which transforms tired children into thirsty, sick-to-their-stomach, talkative, frightened gremlins.\u00a0 These gremlins will turn into sleeping children after three threats upon their life, two drinks of water, one night light, a bedtime story, and 35 minutes of all of the above.\u00a0 And there's a final one here, which is \"Hurry.\"\u00a0 The word \"Hurry.\"\u00a0 That is something 12-year-old girls are in when their parents aren't, and something they aren't in when their parents are.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Yes, absolutely.\u00a0 And today on the broadcast what we want to do is take a grocery list from your house.\u00a0 We want to deal with sibling rivalry, tattling, boasting, and, if we have time, whining, all right?\u00a0 So, Scott, the first one is to you.\u00a0 How do we approach sibling rivalry in this whole area of helping children honor one another?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tScott:\u00a0We believe that a child's first class in relationships is sibling harmony.\u00a0 It's our job as parents to be the teachers, and our home is the classroom, and honor is the curriculum.\u00a0 And so what we're trying to do is teach our children how to get along with each other.\u00a0 That's so important, because if we can teach our children how to get along with each other, then when they get older, they'll be able to get along with other people in life.\u00a0 After all, how many times can you think of adults that you see around that remind you of your brother or your mother or your father?\u00a0 If we can teach our children how to relate in FamilyLife, then they'll be able to relate to the other people that they'll meet in life. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0So it's very important for us to address this, and we say that there are three roadblocks to sibling harmony.\u00a0 The first is anger; the second is wanting to be first or best, which is selfishness; and the third is foolishness.\u00a0 What we want to do is target our parenting in those directions.\u00a0 You see, if we can, as parents, know what the target is, we know what to do with our comments.\u00a0 That doesn't mean it's going to be easy, but at least we know where we're going with this discipline.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThose three roadblocks each have a solution.\u00a0 We say that the solution to anger is not just anger control, but it's learning to be a peacemaker, that's what honor does.\u00a0 It looks at other people's anger and knows how to bring peace into the situation.\u00a0 When it comes to foolishness, we know that the children need to learn how to become wise, and that's our responsibility \u2013 using Proverbs and life experiences to teach our children wisdom.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen children are competing to be first or best, we want to teach them how to be servants.\u00a0 These three solutions give us the target that we need, as parents, and we can start moving our discipline in those directions to help our children overcome the three roadblocks to sibling harmony.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Okay, let's say you have two teenage daughters, JoAnn, and they are battling over sharing clothing with one another, okay, just for the sake of illustration.\u00a0 This would never happen our house.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Taken from a real-life illustration recently in the Rainey home, right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0How do you handle sibling harmony around one child who wants to borrow, the other child who doesn't want to share?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJoAnn:\u00a0Well, that's a very common problem, I think.\u00a0 It's not just clothes, but there are a lot of things in life that children want to borrow, but they don't want to share.\u00a0 It's a good problem.\u00a0 And, certainly, the answer to that is teaching children to be servants, to go ahead and think of what the other person needs and be kind and generous in that way.\u00a0 You want to be proactive, I think, in a situation like that, because we want to be teaching servanthood all along.\u00a0 Then when you come up with a problem like that, we've got a specific problem when children are fighting over something, what we want to do is address it head-on.\u00a0 Take the two children and talk to each one of them.\u00a0 Have them sit down and talk it out.\u00a0 We want to teach our children how to negotiate, how to compromise, how to work through a problem, how to talk about it.\u00a0 So we're not solving the problem for them, but we're teaching them how to solve that kind of a problem.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0You see, we want to give our children the skills they need to resolve conflict.\u00a0 Even when they get older, they're going to need the same skills, they're going to run into similar problems.\u00a0 So now we have them as children, we're going to teach them those conflict-management skills, and so we might have them talk it out, but we're listening.\u00a0 We're listening to how they're doing it, the words they're using.\u00a0 If we see some manipulation, some inappropriate things, we're going to step in, call them out and say, \"Wait a minute.\u00a0 The way you're talking right now isn't really helpful.\"\u00a0 Or maybe we see one child overpowering another.\u00a0 We want to address both of the children in that sense.\u00a0 So we want to teach them how to negotiate through the problem.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Some kids are naturally better negotiators, they're better arbiters in this situation, and they can use that to take advantage of a brother or sister every time you sit down for that process, can't they?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJoAnn:\u00a0That's right, and that's why we want to be listening.\u00a0 We're not just saying, \"You guys go solve that problem.\"\u00a0 But we're having them sit down where we can hear, and we can listen.\u00a0 We're not going to jump in when we don't need to.\u00a0 We're not going to solve the problem, but we're going to coach each child through that situation so they can be better equipped.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0And I'm assuming that if, in that dialog between two children, anger begins to escalate, and we step in, right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJoAnn:\u00a0That's right.\u00a0 We don't want children to be abusive with their anger, to come on too strong with one another when \u2013 again, we're teaching them how to resolve conflict and sometimes in a conflict situation we get angry, we need to take a break.\u00a0 \"All right, let's just get out of this situation for a minute, calm down, then we'll come back and talk about it again.\"\u00a0 So we might call kind of a recess from the discussion, and then call them back again.\u00a0 \"Okay, let's work on this some more.\"\u00a0 So we're not going to just let it go unresolved, but we may take some time to do it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0You know, Scott, she's got two kids.\u00a0 I mean, how hard can that be if all you've got around the house is two kids.\u00a0 You've got five kids at home.\u00a0 You could spend your entire life as a parent in the People's Court, you know, arbitrating conflict between children.\u00a0 And some days you just go, \"I can't just keep doing this thing over and over again.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tScott:\u00a0You know, often, when we have two children that are fighting, what we have is two selfish children.\u00a0 Unfortunately, some parents step in and try to play Solomon \u2013 what happened here, who had it first, and try to figure out all the details.\u00a0 We find that to be not as productive as coming into the situation, separating the children and asking a question \u2013 \"What did you do wrong?\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0When two children are fighting, both of them have done something wrong.\u00a0 I don't care who started it.\u00a0 Even if a child is initiating dishonor in a relationship, the other child needs to know how to respond in that situation.\u00a0 So we're going to coach each child independently because each child has their own unique way of displaying selfishness.\u00a0 And, furthermore, they have to relate to other children who agreeably are irritating and annoying.\u00a0 So we can identify with the one child and say, \"Look, I know that your brother is annoying sometimes, and it's frustrating to deal with him, but we have to look for a way that you can relate to him that's honoring without hurting him, without creating more problems, and so I'm going to give you some ideas.\u00a0 Here is what I suggest you do,\" and so on.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0You know, I've found, with sibling rivalry, what children have to have at those points, whether they're three and four years old and battling a younger brother or sister, or whether they're teenagers and find themselves in a repeated situation where an older brother is constantly picking on a younger brother.\u00a0 The key is to do what you talked about here, Scott, is to use these opportunities as a classroom to train our children in how to resolve conflict and teach them the importance that you've taught all this week on the broadcast \u2013 the importance of honoring their brother, honoring their sister.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0What about tattling?\u00a0 What do you do when a child comes in and says, \"Mom, Dad, Keith won't let me play on the bag swing, and he's had four turns and won't let me have a turn.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJoAnn:\u00a0You know, that's a great question, because tattling is a common problem and parents often \u2013 they don't know what to do with it.\u00a0 Who do you put in trouble, then, you know, when one is tattling on another, and we want to take a different approach.\u00a0 We want to look at the problem, even as an adult problem, sometimes we see something going on, something wrong in a situation, and what is the adult response to that, what's the biblical response?\u00a0 Well, we can look in Matthew, and we see that when there's conflict, the first thing you do is try to work it out together.\u00a0 That's what Jesus teaches, you work it out together, and if that doesn't work, then you get a third person involved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0So we want to teach that to children.\u00a0 Now, some offenses you just can work out yourselves.\u00a0 You don't need to get a parent involved.\u00a0 Sometimes that's not working, your brother's not cooperating.\u00a0 You're trying to work it out with your brother, he's not cooperating, then it's the right thing to do to get Mom or Dad involved, getting that third person involved to help resolve the conflict.\u00a0 That's not tattling, it's a biblical solution.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Sometimes what they're trying to do, though, and I watch this occur repeatedly, is they're trying to pull Mom or Dad into the vortex of this battle, because they're wanting the adult there to get their younger sibling or their older sibling in trouble by tattling on them.\u00a0 And what Barbara and I had to realize is a lot of this just needs to be ignored and press them back to the relationship and say, \"No, you need to deal with this with your brother\" or with your sister.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0We had a rule we applied around our house, which was when a child would come to tell on something another child was doing, we would ask the question, \"Is the child in danger or is there anything life-threatening about the behavior?\"\u00a0 And if they said, \"No,\" then we said, \"Okay, then go back and work it out.\"\u00a0 In other words, you can come tell us about something the other child is doing.\u00a0 If you think, you know, if Jimmy is on the roof, and he may fall off and kill himself, then we need to know about that.\u00a0 But if Keith won't let you play on the bag swing, then you just need to go figure out how to work that one out on your own.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJoAnn:\u00a0That's right, and often when a child comes to us tattling on another child, the first thing we say is \"Did you try and work it out?\"\u00a0 Because we tell children if you're not part of the solution, then you're part of the problem, and we want children to get a vision for either solving it or ignoring it and only reporting it, as you said, when someone is really in danger.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Is bossiness akin to tattling?\u00a0 Is it similar?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJoAnn:\u00a0Well, bossiness is part of the same problem here, wanting to be first or best, we're trying to puff ourselves up and sometimes it means putting others down, sometimes it just means focusing on ourselves, but it's still a problem that needs to be addressed by teaching children to be servants.\u00a0 You're looking for ways to build other people up \u2013 not yourself, and that's what we really want to be teaching children.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0The way this came out in our family on more than one occasion is when the older children became the parents of the younger children, and I mean the number of times we'd have to say, \"You know what?\u00a0 We are the parent.\u00a0 You are the child.\u00a0 We appreciate your advice, your counsel, and your encouragement to want to help this child that you're pointing out has a problem to grow up, but you're not the parent.\u00a0 We are responsible.\u00a0 You can trust us that we will make an appropriate decision.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tScott:\u00a0I think, Dennis, that in those situations, those kids need to learn how to parent, and we have an opportunity to do that, but sometimes they do it in the wrong way.\u00a0 If we can listen to our children criticize our parenting, we've taken a huge leap in maturity.\u00a0 Our children often, as they become teenagers, have all kinds of opinions about how we don't treat little brother the way we treated big sister.\u00a0 If we can listen to them and then say, \"Look, you're going to have an opportunity when you get to be a mom or a dad to make decisions, and you're going to want to keep this in mind, but I've got to make the decision here before God, and I'm choosing to do it this way.\u00a0 I'll take into account what you've said, but I've got to make decisions, and this is what I believe God wants me to do in this situation.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0I believe that in doing that, we're honoring our young person.\u00a0 We're also giving them a window into our value system, why we're choosing to do what we're doing, and we're actually investing in their future parenthood.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0You know, whatever the issue is, the way in which it's presented is key and, children, I don't know where they learn to whine, but they all have that as an innate skill taking the tone of their voice and manipulating it so that it has this annoying whine in it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tScott:\u00a0One of the things we're trying to do here, Bob, is we're trying to separate the issue from the process.\u00a0 The child who has an issue of being hungry and wanting a snack needs to also consider the process by which they are communicating that.\u00a0 We believe that the process is very important because the process deals with honor.\u00a0 Our children have all kinds of issues, and often they're right, but we don't believe being right is enough.\u00a0 You also have to be wise.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Being right gets you to be a critical person.\u00a0 We believe that honor is so important because it allows people to communicate the fact that they're right in a way that other people are able to accept.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0This issue of whining is \u2013 well, for young families, is a huge issue.\u00a0 In fact, I mentioned that we were going to be doing these broadcasts to some young moms who were in a small group that I was speaking to, and, I mean, it was as though I had hooked them up to electricity.\u00a0 They all moved to the edges of their seat, their eyes became wide open, it was like \"Absolutely.\u00a0 We can use help here.\"\u00a0 Whining is a huge issue in raising children.\u00a0 They need help.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0You speak, JoAnn, in the book about how whining is tricking the adult to try to get their way.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJoAnn:\u00a0Yes, we say that whining is a manipulative technique used by children to trick their parents into doing something, and we've even had a mom tell us that she's used those words with her child.\u00a0 When the child was whining, the mom said, \"I can tell you're trying to trick me into doing what you want, but it's not going to work.\"\u00a0 You see, we want to point it out to children.\u00a0 They don't see it; they don't hear it.\u00a0 Now, sometimes parents will join in the dishonor, and they'll whine right back at their children.\u00a0 We don't think that's all that helpful, but we want to point it out with words that children can understand, \"That voice you're using is not the right voice, it's not honoring.\"\u00a0 Have them do it again.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Sometimes we see that it's a pattern for children.\u00a0 We want to stop them as soon as they start it.\u00a0 Send them away, maybe, to take a break or something else that's going on and then come back, want to try it again.\u00a0 We also want to address the heart level issue as well.\u00a0 It's not just the behavior we're dealing with.\u00a0 Maybe it's a demandingness in their heart.\u00a0 They're trying to get their way any way they can, and they may use their voice to do it.\u00a0 So we also want to point out the demandingness in their heart and ask them to make some changes in that area as well.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0You talk about getting them to stop it immediately.\u00a0 You have what you call \"the stop rule.\"\u00a0 Is that what you're talking about?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJoAnn:\u00a0Well, we have a stop rule, but I'm not sure that the parent is going to use that for whining.\u00a0 Let me just take a minute here to talk about the stop rule and deal with that.\u00a0 When children are involved in teasing, tickling, annoying behaviors.\u00a0 You know, sometimes they're having fun, everybody's playing tag, and they're kind of playing around with each other, and then somebody wants to stop but that doesn't mean the other person wants to stop.\u00a0 And so the first person is irritated because they're trying to stop the game, and the other one is still playing.\u00a0 You know, maybe they're playing with water guns or they're playing tickling games or whatever it is \u2013 they're wrestling \u2013 somebody wants to stop, and the other one doesn't. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0So we have a stop rule.\u00a0 Any child can say \"Stop,\" and that's the end of the game.\u00a0 It works for parents, too.\u00a0 If children \u2013 maybe dad is tickling his son, and they're having a grand time wrestling around tickling, and the child wants to be done.\u00a0 He can say \"Stop.\"\u00a0 We want Dad to be able to stop.\u00a0 Teach your children the value of their words; that people should be listening to them when they use their words, and they don't need other manipulative techniques to get their point across, their words are enough.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0And the stop rule, does that mean it stops for an indefinite period?\u00a0 I mean, here is what I've had happen.\u00a0 The kids are tickling, and it gets out of hand, and one of them says, \"Okay, stop,\" and I say, \"Okay, stop.\"\u00a0 And then a minute later they want to re-engage the same game.\u00a0 And I'm going, I don't want to go there because it's just going to be a constant challenge of start-stop, start-stop, and get carried away.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJoAnn:\u00a0Sometimes they use the stop rule just to get the upper hand.\u00a0 As soon as they're back on their feet, they're ready to join in again, and that's kind of an abuse of the stop rule.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0And so what do you do when a child either doesn't honor the other person's request to stop or starts in again.\u00a0 What do you do then?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJoAnn:\u00a0Well, I think, as a parent, we need to be ready to step in.\u00a0 So what this stop rule does is, it levels the playing field so one child can't be overpowering another child consistently.\u00a0 But the parent is ready to enforce that.\u00a0 One child says \"Stop,\" the other one needs to listening to that stop, or the parent is going to step in and discipline.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0It teaches children what's appropriate about personal boundaries.\u00a0 You know, I know when my boys were young, we had a stop rule, and sometimes they'd have a babysitter come over who would start tickling them, and they'd say \"Stop,\" and the babysitter didn't know the stop rule; the babysitter didn't stop.\u00a0 My boys knew something was wrong here.\u00a0 You know, \"Don't you know the stop rule,\" they'd say?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0You know, whether it's a bad attitude, bossiness, tattling, whining, sibling rivalry or sibling harmony, as we've talked about here on the broadcast, parents get worn down, and we need encouragement.\u00a0 And I just want to say thanks to you, Scott and JoAnn, for kind of coming alongside all the parents who listen to the broadcast and many who want to be parents, some single folks who listen to this broadcast who have taken note of how you handle some of life's more challenging circumstances in raising children.\u00a0 And, personally, I want to say thanks for your work in writing this book and in being on the broadcast.\u00a0 You all have been a great resource this week on FamilyLife Today.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tScott:\u00a0Thank you very much for having us here.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJoAnn:\u00a0We've really enjoyed being here, thank you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Well, and we've enjoyed having you guys, and I want to encourage our listeners to get a copy of your book.\u00a0 Again, it's called \"Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining, and Bad Attitudes in You and Your Kids,\" and I wish we'd had time to talk more about what's in your new book, which is called \"Parenting is Heart Work.\"\u00a0 We have both of these books in our FamilyLife Resource Center, and if you'd like to go online at FamilyLife.com, you can click the button that says \"Go,\" which is in the center of the screen, a little red button.\u00a0 That will take you right to the page where you can get more information about both of Scott and JoAnn's books.\u00a0 We also have some files you can download that we've talked about already this week.\u00a0 There's more information available there.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0If you are interested in both of these books, we can send along at no additional cost the two-CD audio of our conversation this week with Scott and JoAnn, and you can review the material together with your spouse, or you can pass it along to someone else who might benefit from listening to these programs.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Again, the website is FamilyLife.com.\u00a0 The button in the middle of the screen is the red button, and you click on that, and it will take you right to the page where you can order these resources.\u00a0 Or, if it's easier, just call us \u2013 1-800-358-6329.\u00a0 That's 1-800-F-as-in-family, L-as-in-life, and then the word TODAY, and we've got folks who are ready to take your call and let you know how you can have these resources sent out to you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Now, I need to let you know that we need your help during the month of May.\u00a0 We have had some friends who have come to us here at FamilyLife with a very generous offer this month.\u00a0 They have said that they would match any donation we receive from FamilyLife Today listeners during May on a dollar-for-dollar basis up to a total of $350,000.\u00a0 Now, we have a shot at being able to take full advantage of that matching gift, but for that to happen we need as many listeners as possible to make a donation either online at FamilyLife.com or by calling 1-800-FLTODAY.\u00a0 Make a donation of any amount, and when you do that donation will automatically be doubled.\u00a0 We're hoping that by the end of the month we'll have had enough of those donations to take full advantage of the $350,000 matching gift.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Again, you can donate online, if you'd like, at FamilyLife.com.\u00a0 You can call 1-800-FLTODAY to make a donation, and it will really help us out here at FamilyLife.\u00a0 We're listener-supported, and the donations you make are what keep us on the air even during the summer months when donations are off and a little behind what they normally are.\u00a0 So if you would call us today and make a donation or go to the website at FamilyLife.com and donate online, we would like to say thank you in advance for doing that and pray for us as well.\u00a0 Pray that we'll be able to take full advantage of this matching gift opportunity.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0We hope you have a great weekend; hope you and your family are able to worship together in church this weekend, and we hope you can be back with us on Monday.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0I want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team.\u00a0 On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 We'll see you next time for another edition of FamilyLife Today. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0FamilyLife Today is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas, a ministry of Campus Crusade for Christ. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t________________________________________________________________\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you.\u00a0 However, there is a cost to transcribe, create, and produce them for our website.\u00a0 If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would\u00a0 you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/site\/c.dnJHKLNnFoG\/b.3782043\/k.384D\/Support_Us.htm\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright \u00a9 FamilyLife.\u00a0 All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/www.FamilyLife.com\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 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