{"id":301099,"date":"2006-04-20T11:00:00","date_gmt":"2006-04-20T15:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/listening-is-the-solution\/"},"modified":"2024-11-20T13:04:52","modified_gmt":"2024-11-20T18:04:52","slug":"listening-is-the-solution","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/listening-is-the-solution\/","title":{"rendered":"Listening is the Solution"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Feeling tempted to &#8220;fix&#8221; problems your wife happens to mention? Instead of &#8220;fixing&#8221; it, why don&#8217;t you try becoming an avid listener? So advises opinion columnist Shaunti Feldhahn and her husband, Jeff, co-authors of the book For Men Only, today on the broadcast.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Jeff and Shaunti Feldhahn encourage husbands to becoming an avid listener.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"audio","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2006-04-20.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:","filesize":"11.4M","filesize_raw":"11957919","date_recorded":"2006-04-20 11:00:00","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2901],"tags":[2877,4022,4001],"podcast_series":[7447],"cwp_profile":[9006,3204],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-301099","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-husbands","tag-marriage","tag-wives","tag-women","podcast_series-for-men-only","cwp_profile-jeff-feldhahn","cwp_profile-shaunti-feldhahn","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/301099\/listening-is-the-solution","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/301099\/listening-is-the-solution","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"xLKMeg9fsl\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/listening-is-the-solution\/\">Listening is the Solution<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/listening-is-the-solution\/embed\/#?secret=xLKMeg9fsl\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Listening is the Solution&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"xLKMeg9fsl\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":["https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg",508,508,false]},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"kfairris@familylife.com","author_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/author\/kfairrisfamilylife-com\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"Jeff and Shaunti Feldhahn encourage husbands to becoming an avid listener.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2006-04-20.pdf","transcript_content":"<p>Bob:\u00a0As a husband, have you ever been in a conversation with your wife and been thinking, \"If you could somehow get past the emotion and get to the root of the issue, maybe we could solve this thing?\"\u00a0 Author Shaunti Feldhahn says you're missing it.<\/p>\n<p>Shaunti:\u00a0You men have trained yourself from childhood that when you're listening to somebody sharing an emotional problem, you know what?\u00a0 All those emotions, all that feeling, is clutter, it's counter-productive, it gets in the way, so you've trained yourself to filter it out.\u00a0 And, actually, the thing is, is that for the woman, what she's feeling, is actually what she most wants you to focus on.<\/p>\n<p>[musical transition]<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0This is FamilyLife Today for Thursday, April 20th, and today we'll hear the input of hundreds of women who really do want to try to help men understand what's going on in a woman's heart and in her mind.<\/p>\n<p>[musical transition]<\/p>\n<p>And welcome to FamilyLife Today, thanks for joining us on the Thursday edition.\u00a0 This week the thing we've been trying to unpack is how a husband can \u2013 Dennis?\u00a0 He's not even looking at me \u2013 the thing we've been trying to unpack is how a husband can live with his wife in a understanding \u2013 what are you looking at over there?\u00a0 Dennis?<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0Oh, excuse me, Bob.<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0We're on the air.<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0I wasn't listening.\u00a0 What were we talking about?<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0It was obvious that you weren't listening.\u00a0 We were talking about how a husband can live with his wife in an understanding way.<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0It does help when your eyes are focused at the person who is speaking, doesn't it?<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0It helps when you're paying attention, yes, it does.<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0Just the mere fact that my head was turned away from you as you were talking.<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0What was distracting you?<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0Nothing.\u00a0 I was trying to demonstrate how some of us men listen to our wives.<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0I see.<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0We look at the paper, we go through the bills \u2013 \"Yes, now, what was that you said?\"<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0You were saying that to live with our wives in a \u2013 1 Peter, chapter 3, verse 7 \u2013 we've quoted it this week.\u00a0 It says that a husband is to live with his wife in an understanding way, and you're saying one of the things that he needs to do is to be a good listener, right?<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0He does.<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0And you're saying that on the authority \u2026<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0He is not naturally good at listening.\u00a0 A lot of classes on speaking, public speaking, we have an attorney with us who has been trained in how to make a presentation all the way at Harvard as an attorney, right?<\/p>\n<p>Jeff:\u00a0That was one of the classes.<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0Did you take a class in listening?<\/p>\n<p>Jeff:\u00a0Never.<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0Did you take any classes in listening to your wife?<\/p>\n<p>Jeff:\u00a0Ah \u2026<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0He's been to the School of Hard Knocks on that one.<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0The answer is yes, Jeff.<\/p>\n<p>[laughter]<\/p>\n<p>That's what's been happening for the past \u2013 how many years have you guys been married?<\/p>\n<p>Jeff:\u00a0Eleven years.<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0Eleven years.\u00a0 Jeff and Shaunti Feldhahn join us again on FamilyLife Today, and I actually have a little something I wanted to bring out at the appropriate time, Bob.<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0I saw this under the table, and I said, \"What is that?\"\u00a0 And you wouldn't let me get it.<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0Well, Jeff grew up in Michigan, and he is a Detroit Tiger fan.\u00a0 He married a young lady who is from the East Coast who kind of fancies the Red Sox, right?<\/p>\n<p>Shaunti:\u00a0Absolutely.<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0And a number of years ago, Bob brought this back to me.\u00a0 It's a St. Louis Cardinal \u2026<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0Yeah, I remember, I bought that in the airport for you.<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0The St. Louis Cardinals.<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0It looks like it has never been worn, either.<\/p>\n<p>[laughter]<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0That is not true.<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0Gol-lee.<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0No, no, it's faded, it's faded, you can tell that.\u00a0 Anyway \u2026<\/p>\n<p>Shaunti:\u00a0You're allowed to be a Cardinals fan.<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0We are allowed to be a Cardinals \u2026<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0Because the Red Sox cleaned our clocks in the World Series a couple of years ago.<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0Yeah, yeah, and they had too much fun when we got together and talked about that.\u00a0 But Jeff and Shaunti have written a book about helping men understand their wives \u2013 the results of talking to more than 3,000 women all across the country in focus groups and research, and all this week we've been talking about the various aspects of their findings.<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0Yes, we've been talking about the things you've uncovered, like women have an ongoing need to know that they are loved.\u00a0 They need to have that affirmed for them over and over again, and that's a primary responsibility for a husband, right?<\/p>\n<p>Shaunti:\u00a0Absolutely.<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0We also have talked about the fact that women are multi-tasking \u2013 they're thinking about many things all at the same time, and it's not because they're distracted but because their emotional windows stay open, and we've talked about the fact that security for a woman has more to do with a relationship than it does with a big house and a new car.\u00a0 Once the basic financial needs have been met, she really cares more about having her man with her than she does about more stuff, right?<\/p>\n<p>Shaunti:\u00a0Absolutely.<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0And today we're going to talk about listening \u2013 what I was trying to demonstrate over the radio but it doesn't work real well, because it's not \u2026<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0\u2026 because it's not TV.<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0Not TV, but every man knows exactly what I'm talking about.\u00a0 Jeff, as you did the research on this, and you determined that our wives really want us to listen, that listening is the solution, was that a big \"Aha!\" for you?<\/p>\n<p>Jeff:\u00a0I didn't think it was going to be, because I had a definition of what I thought listening was.<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0Which was?<\/p>\n<p>Jeff:\u00a0I thought that she talked, and I sat there and didn't interrupt, and when she got done, however long that was, I would then offer my solution and try to fix whatever was wrong.\u00a0 And I'd always heard from women that \u2013 in fact, the survey itself came back that this was pretty much the number-one thing that they wished their husband understood.<\/p>\n<p>Shaunti:\u00a0But the thing is, Jeff tells me that you guys hear all the time \u2013 \"She doesn't want you to fix it, she just wants you to listen.\"<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0We've heard this for years and, first of all, it doesn't make any sense that you would just want to lay out the problem and then what \u2013 nothing?\u00a0 Right?\u00a0 And then, not only that, but the things you're talking about, we can fix some of these for you, and you don't want that?\u00a0 I mean, we've heard it, it's still hard to believe.<\/p>\n<p>Shaunti:\u00a0Well, and the thing that was, I think, the most helpful for guys, since this is all about stuff that guys tend not to get, is \u2013 what we did was, we actually, in this chapter, we actually defined what does it mean when you hear that \u2013 that she doesn't want you to fix it, she just wants you to listen?\u00a0 And here is, honestly, the thing that has helped guys get this.\u00a0 You men have trained yourself from childhood that when you're listening to somebody sharing an emotional problem, you know what?\u00a0 All those emotions, all that feeling, it's clutter, it's counter-productive, it gets in the way, so you've trained yourself to filter it out.\u00a0 Let's set aside all that emotionalism and focus in on the problem.\u00a0 You know, what's the issue at hand?<\/p>\n<p>And, actually, the thing is, is that for the woman, what she is feeling is actually what she most wants you to focus on.\u00a0 And so all that emotion, all that feeling, that you've trained yourself to filter out is actually the thing she most wants you to listen to.\u00a0 So instead you guys have to practice going to the problem and filtering it out and listening solely to how she's feeling about whatever it is, because that will make her feel heard, feel listened to, and that actually solves her problem.<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0That's just insane.<\/p>\n<p>[Laughter]<\/p>\n<p>That is just absurd, I'm sorry.\u00a0 Do you know what I mean?<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0I do.<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0You know exactly what I mean.<\/p>\n<p>Jeff:\u00a0And it takes a significant amount of retraining for the guy.<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0Retraining?<\/p>\n<p>Jeff:\u00a0To understand this.<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0It takes discipline, and how do you do that at the end of the day when you're exhausted?\u00a0 You come home, and you've been solving problems all day and so, all of a sudden, you come home, and you have to put on a different hat, and you have to instead focus on the emotions \u2013 if I heard Shaunti correctly \u2026<\/p>\n<p>Shaunti:\u00a0Absolutely.<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0Focus on the emotions and filter out the problem?<\/p>\n<p>Jeff:\u00a0That's right and, actually, we can put our solution hat on, actually, for this, in that we can try to figure out what is the particular emotion, feeling, that she's experiencing and that she's describing.\u00a0 So that's our solution.<\/p>\n<p>Shaunti:\u00a0It's so funny, because we actually had this exact scenario happen while we were writing this chapter, where I was bummed one day because I had an invitation to be on CNN to talk about \"For Women Only,\" and the invitation fell through, and, you know, I know not to get my hopes up about the big TV networks.\u00a0 Things always come up, and we were sitting there, and Jeff's, like, you know, \"You look a little\" \u2013 you know, I said, \"I'm a little disappointed,\" and he starts sort of a pep talk.\u00a0 Like, well, \"Yeah, I know it's disappointing, but think about what a neat opportunity it is to even be considered, and you're on other TV and radio all the time,\" and I\u2019m, like, \"Yeah, but\" \u2013 he keeps going with the pep talk and, you know, things about, \"Well, maybe if you do this, that, or the other thing, maybe you can get back on.\"\u00a0 And I said, \"I feel like I'm trying to explain something, and you don't care about me.\"<\/p>\n<p>Jeff:\u00a0To which I said \u2013 \"Okay, fine,\" and turned on the TV.<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0That's what any good author of a book on listening \u2026<\/p>\n<p>Shaunti:\u00a0But the thing is, is that even as we were working on this, he was still having to retrain that I didn't want him to be focused on CNN falling through, I wanted him to be hearing, \"Wow, that must be really disappointing for you.\"\u00a0 And that, itself, would have solved it.\u00a0 I would have felt heard and listened to, and it would have actually solved my problem.<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0I'm sitting here thinking about a class I took in high school.\u00a0 I don't even remember what the class was, but I remember a project one day where the teacher had said, \"We're going to talk today about empathy.\u00a0 That's the word \u2013 empathy.\u00a0 It's different than sympathy, it's empathy.\"\u00a0 And the way we learned this skill of empathy is someone would describe what was going on, and the only thing you could say back to them is \"Oh, my, how did that make you feel,\" right?<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0I can tell this really \u2013 this really motivated your learning.<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0I'll never forget sitting in that class, and somebody is going through this thing, and I'm going, \"Well, how did that make you feel?\"\u00a0 And they're talking more \u2013 and I\u2019m going, \"This is the stupidest exercise I've ever been through in my life \u2013 how did that make you feel, how did that make you feel?\"\u00a0 I thought, you know, any idiot can say \"How did that make you feel.\"\u00a0 You need a real man to step up and say, \"Well, I'll tell you what you ought to do,\" right?\u00a0 You want \"How does that make you feel?\"\u00a0 You could get a button \u2013 you could get a recording device, you push the button \"How did that make you feel?\u00a0 How did that make you feel?\"\u00a0 And they're teaching us \u2013 I sometimes think that's what you women would like.\u00a0 You'd like us to be just a machine where you tell us what you're feeling, and we go, \"How did that make you feel?\"<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0No, no, the machine does not work.<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0You've tried that?\u00a0 Tried, been there, it doesn't go, huh?<\/p>\n<p>Jeff:\u00a0Well, the interesting thing on that is that you can't just use that solution for every single problem or \u2026<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0You can't just memorize that line?<\/p>\n<p>Jeff:\u00a0You can't.\u00a0 For example, when we were hearing this, I remember asking the focus group, \"So you're telling me that if your husband is sitting there, and you're telling him that the transmission is making some funny sound in the car, if he says, 'Well, I'm sorry that that makes you feel funny that that's making that sound.'\"\u00a0 Is that what you want to hear?\u00a0 Don't you want a solution?<\/p>\n<p>Shaunti:\u00a0And we all said, \"Okay, let's have a time out.\u00a0 There are some things that are emotional problems that we need you to listen to the emotion, and there are some things that are technical problems, in which case put on your Mr. Fix-It hat and say, 'I will take the car to the garage tomorrow.'\"\u00a0 You're allowed at that point.<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0But see what we're tapping into here?\u00a0 This is how we men are wired \u2013 we want a very simple box, put it all in a very simple equation, and we want \u2013 okay, you just listen and just affirm the feeling, and you filter out the problem, and you don't attempt to fix it, and yet life isn't wired that way.\u00a0 It's got all these conflicting messages.<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0Well, and here is where it gets messy for me.\u00a0 Let's say you've come home, and you're having one of the debriefs with your wife, and she says, \"You know, I'm a little worried about John,\" and John's your son, you know?\u00a0 She says, \"It seems like he's depressed, and I'm wondering if there is something going on with him,\" okay?\u00a0 Now, I'm thinking she is telling me this because we are parents and together we've got an issue here, some symptoms.\u00a0 I may need to step up and say, \"Well, maybe I should have a talk with him tonight.\"<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0Yeah, she wants you to go up in the room and talk to him.<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0That's what I'm figuring.\u00a0 If I say to her, \"Well, how does that make you feel, honey?\"\u00a0 Am I getting \u2013 I mean \u2013 what's really going on when she's telling me \u2026<\/p>\n<p>Shaunti:\u00a0Okay, I get you, all right.\u00a0 Here is what the solution is for me, and I think a lot of other women, I think the survey bears this out, is that if you will first focus on how she is feeling about it, what the emotions are, what's really bothering her, and you'll deal with that first.\u00a0 Then you guys can work together on a solution, if there is a solution required to whatever it is.\u00a0 Like, \"Well, how about if I go upstairs and talk to him?\"\u00a0 But, in many cases, a woman can't really focus on the solution until she feels like she's really been heard, because otherwise she is not sure you really understand what's going on.\u00a0 And learning to listen in a way that she really feels understood will actually make it so much easier for you to develop that real solution, which is actually needed in a lot of cases.\u00a0 But you've got to have given her the idea first that you are totally on her side, you're on her team, you understand exactly what she's feeling what's going on.<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0Barbara is not here, but if she was, she would say at this point, \"I want to feel like I'm his partner first before I'm a co-problem solver with him.\"\u00a0 And me listening to her and affirming her for what she is experiencing and feeling around the problem validates what she's feeling, because she's many times feeling insecure about her feelings.\u00a0 So she's not even sure she's okay.\u00a0 So she's wanting to know I'm okay with what I'm feeling.\u00a0 Now that she know that she's okay, she and I, together, can roll up our sleeves and address a problem, like a child, Bob, that you were talking about, and we can address it together.\u00a0 But she doesn't want me to rush by her to the problem and miss her in the process.<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0And if it's something that's not a parenting issue or a relationship issue between the two of you \u2013 let me give you another scenario \u2013 you come home, you go, \"How was your day,\" and she said, \"Well, you know, I was going to have lunch with Leslie, and she called up and canceled, and I don't know what's going on with Leslie.\u00a0 I don't know what to do in that situation.\"\u00a0 Okay.\u00a0 What do I say then?\u00a0 Do I say, \"Well, here is something you could do,\" or do \u2013 what do I do first before I get there?<\/p>\n<p>Shaunti:\u00a0Believe it or not, still the first thing is for her to know that you really understand the entire problem, which means you actually have to step up and get a little bit deeper into what are you \u2013 you can say thinking.<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0\"How does that make you feel?\"<\/p>\n<p>Shaunti:\u00a0Seriously, are you thinking that maybe she is backing away from your friendship?\u00a0 Are you concerned about that?\u00a0 And she'll feel you know what?\u00a0 He's on my side.\u00a0 Once she feels that way, she's a lot more able to listen to whatever solution you might bring out because she feels like you know exactly the issue, whereas \u2013 and here's the thing that drives guys crazy \u2013 is when a woman keeps returning to something over and over and over again, and a guy thinks, \"Well, I thought I solved that for you weeks ago.\"\u00a0 Well, you know what?\u00a0 That's a sure sign that she doesn't think you really understand, and what that really means is really understand her feelings.<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0One of the things, as I've done this with Barbara, is sometimes I'm listening to her, and I can't understand.\u00a0 But I've found, in those situations, when I'm clueless, and I can't quite get to the bottom of what's going on, if I just say to her, \"You know, sweetheart, I can't quite figure this out, either, but I want you to know I care about you, and I care about what's going on, and maybe we need to pray about it, maybe we need to talk some more later, but I want you to know that I'm committed to getting to the bottom of it and to helping you.\"<\/p>\n<p>Sometimes our wives and, for that matter, we, as husbands, can be emotionally confused, just flat-out fogged about something and not be able to articulate what it is we're feeling.<\/p>\n<p>Shaunti:\u00a0The thing is, is that I think what you just said, Dennis, will show Barbara and any husband could show his wife, that's one of the best ways you can show you care is instead of trying to circle around and, \"Okay, well, I've got to figure out,\" you know, come in on my white horse, which is what a guy's natural inclination is, and say, \"Okay, here's a solution,\" even if maybe I don't really understand this whole thing.\u00a0 Instead of saying, \"You know what?\u00a0 I'm kind of confused, too, but I care about you.\"\u00a0 That's so much more valuable for a woman feeling like this guy really does love me, and he really does care.<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0But I have to tell you, as a husband, you really feel like a failure admitting that, because, as men, we like closure.<\/p>\n<p>Jeff:\u00a0Absolutely, because we have to close that window and move on to the next thing.<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0And if we don't close it, it's left open, and it feels like it's an unresolved problem, it's back to fixing the problem again.<\/p>\n<p>Shaunti:\u00a0But, for the woman, the window \u2013 you've just enabled her to close the window, and this actually reminds me of something that we asked a friend of ours in New York.\u00a0 We were living in New York; one of our friends was an acoustic engineer, and he designed opera houses, you know, and so Jeff's, like, \"Hey, this is a perfect example to ask that old question, you know, if a tree falls in a forest and no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound?\"\u00a0 And he actually answered it really seriously.\u00a0 He said, \"No, it doesn't make a sound.\u00a0 A sound has to be perceived.\u00a0 Just hitting a rock, the sound waves hitting a rock doesn't count.\u00a0 It makes a noise; it doesn't make a sound.\u00a0 And that's really the difference here, is a lot of women feel like they're just making noise because there's nobody there to perceive it, nobody is really listening.<\/p>\n<p>Jeff:\u00a0And we're a bunch of rocks.<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0A lot of men are thinking those women are just making noise.<\/p>\n<p>Shaunti:\u00a0And I'll bet you if they'll practice, though, if they'll actually say, you know what?\u00a0 If I will put on Mr. Fix-It hat but put on my Fix-It hat in order to figure out what she's feeling and say, \"I'm so sorry you felt disappointed, honey.\"\u00a0 Whoa!\u00a0 That actually, for her, that solves it.<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0Let me ask the Detroit Tiger fan here \u2013 what does baseball have to do with this whole issue of listening?<\/p>\n<p>Jeff:\u00a0When life gets confusing, I turn to baseball.\u00a0 So what we came up with was a simple way for a guy to run through whether or not he's actually following listening principles.\u00a0 So we used baseball as the analogy, and we had it where you would round the bases \u2013 first, second, third, and finally, and hopefully, make it safely home.<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0Right.<\/p>\n<p>Shaunti:\u00a0Yes, the thing, honestly, that we said \u2013 and, hopefully, this is helpful for a guy, is to say, you know, first \u2013 if you think of first base, running first base is giving her your full physical attention, not like what Dennis is doing when he's starting up at the ceiling and off at the walls, and your \u2013 wondering, \"Are you listening?\"<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0I tell guys muting the TV is not sufficient.\u00a0 You have to actually turn it all the way off, right?<\/p>\n<p>Shaunti:\u00a0Or at least, if you mute it, to turn away from it and actually look at your wife so she knows you're at least giving her your full physical attention.\u00a0 And then the second thing is to actually give her the mental attention.\u00a0 Don't just be the rock, you know, that the sound waves are hitting.<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0And don't allow the distractions.\u00a0 I know what you're talking about.<\/p>\n<p>Shaunti:\u00a0To get in the way, you know, he was really attempting to \u2013 really to what she's saying.<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0And this can be hard.\u00a0 Can we just say \u2026<\/p>\n<p>Shaunti:\u00a0We can absolutely acknowledge for a guy this can be so hard.\u00a0 But here is the thing, honestly, is I actually think, for a guy, he thinks that listening and giving her my full mental attention is going to be exhausting, because he has a limit on his ability to listen, really, for most guys they do.\u00a0 And to be able to actually talk to his wife at some other point and say you know what?\u00a0 Just so you know, it's almost like my inability to run more than a certain number of miles in a row without totally wearing myself out, like, my brain just starts to shut down after a certain number of minutes of talking about emotional things.\u00a0 As long as the woman knows that, we're fine.<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0I know that the challenge for me here is that, if it is going on too long, and I'm thinking would you just land the plane on this thing, you know, would you just bring it in for a landing.\u00a0 If I can stop and say, \"Back up and say that part again, because I want to make sure I'm getting the details.\"<\/p>\n<p>Shaunti:\u00a0That proves that you are giving me your mental attention, absolutely.\u00a0 And that actually leads into the third base, which is the whole idea of instead of filtering out the emotions to focus on the problem, do it the other way around \u2013 focus on the feelings.\u00a0 And then, finally, when you get home, the way to get to home base is actually just to acknowledge.\u00a0 So you say, \"I'm so sorry that you were disappointed.\u00a0 I'm so sorry that there's this feeling,\" or whatever it is that's come up, and that's a relatively simple process.\u00a0 You run all the bases, you're safely home, and your wife feels absolutely listened to.<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0And those words, with my wife, Barbara, that is \u2013 she really wants that homebase experience. She wants me to say to her, \"You know what, honey?\u00a0 I'm really sorry that you had a tough day,\" or \"I'm sorry the kids\" \u2026<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0\u2026 \"that must have been tough, man, I can imagine\" \u2026<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0\u2026 \"treated you that way.\"\u00a0 What we've been talking about today is that listening to your wife's feelings solves her problems.\u00a0 Now, as a man, we think that listening to her problem is the key to solving the problem, but what Jeff and Shaunti have helped us do is they've helped us put up a screen, and this would be another good product we could sell here on FamilyLife Today, Bob \u2013 some kind of screening device that completely screens out for men all the problems and only lets the emotions from his wife come through and labels them, labels the emotions as they come through.<\/p>\n<p>Bob, we could be wealthy.<\/p>\n<p>[laughter]<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0Well, we don't have that in our FamilyLife Resource Center, although I'm going to get the team to start working on it and just see what they can come up with. We have the next-best thing, and that is the book that Jeff and Shaunti have written that's called \"For Men Only,\" and it helps us, as guys, get a better understanding of all that's going on inside our wife, inside her heart and inside her mind, and it helps us live with her in an understanding way, which is what the Scriptures call us to in 1 Peter 3:7.<\/p>\n<p>You can get a copy of the book by going to our website, FamilyLife.com, click on the \"Go\" button in the middle of the screen.\u00a0 It's a red button that says \"Go,\" and it will take you right to the page where there is more information about Jeff and Shaunti's book.\u00a0 There is information about the book \"For Women Only,\" that offers the same kind of insight into the heart of a husband to help women understand what is going on in a man's world.\u00a0 There are other resources available from us that we can recommend to you.<\/p>\n<p>Again, the website is FamilyLife.com.\u00a0 Click the \"Go\" button in the middle of the screen and get a copy of the book, \"For Men Only,\" or give us a call at 1-800-FLTODAY; that's 1-800-358-6329, and someone on our team can let you know how you can get this resource or any of the resources that we have available sent out to you.<\/p>\n<p>Well, tomorrow we want to talk about a subject that men want to understand their wives better in, and it's the one that a lot of husbands have been saying, \"When are you going to talk about that subject?\"\u00a0 And we're going to talk about it tomorrow, and if you aren't sure exactly what I'm talking about, then you can tune in, and most of you probably are sure what I'm talking about, right?\u00a0 We'll talk about it tomorrow.\u00a0 I hope you can be with us for that.<\/p>\n<p>I want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team.\u00a0 On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 We'll see you back tomorrow for another edition of FamilyLife Today.<\/p>\n<p>FamilyLife Today is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas, a ministry of Campus Crusade for Christ.<\/p>\n<p>We are so happy to provide these transcripts to you.\u00a0 However, there is a cost to transcribe, create, and produce them for our website.\u00a0 If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would\u00a0 you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/site\/c.dnJHKLNnFoG\/b.3782043\/k.384D\/Support_Us.htm\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?<\/p>\n<p>Copyright \u00a9 FamilyLife.\u00a0 All rights reserved.<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"http:\/\/www.FamilyLife.com\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a><\/p>\n","theme_header_position":"Sticky","post_header_is_sticky":"default","is_header_overlay":"0"},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast\/301099","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/podcast"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/91"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=301099"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/294104"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=301099"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=301099"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=301099"},{"taxonomy":"podcast_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast_series?post=301099"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=301099"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=301099"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}