{"id":301096,"date":"2006-04-18T11:00:00","date_gmt":"2006-04-18T15:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/her-multiple-windows-are-open\/"},"modified":"2024-10-07T22:42:19","modified_gmt":"2024-10-08T02:42:19","slug":"her-multiple-windows-are-open","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/her-multiple-windows-are-open\/","title":{"rendered":"Her Multiple Windows are &#8230; Open!"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Jeff and Shaunti Feldhahn discuss a woman&#8217;s uncanny ability to multi-task.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2006-04-18.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:","filesize":"11.4M","filesize_raw":"11958128","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2901],"tags":[2877,4022,4001],"podcast_series":[7447],"cwp_profile":[9006,3204],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-301096","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-husbands","tag-marriage","tag-wives","tag-women","podcast_series-for-men-only","cwp_profile-jeff-feldhahn","cwp_profile-shaunti-feldhahn","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/301096\/her-multiple-windows-are-open","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/301096\/her-multiple-windows-are-open","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"U2iK1zPN6V\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/her-multiple-windows-are-open\/\">Her Multiple Windows are &#8230; Open!<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/her-multiple-windows-are-open\/embed\/#?secret=U2iK1zPN6V\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Her Multiple Windows are &#8230; Open!&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"U2iK1zPN6V\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var 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multi-task.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2006-04-18.pdf","transcript_content":"<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<h2>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Guys, have you ever had this experience with your wife where something is going on, and you're thinking, \"Why is she reacting like that?\u00a0 What's happening here?\"\u00a0 Here is Jeff Feldhahn.\n\t\t\t<\/h2>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJeff:\u00a0I just thought she's emotional as a result of her emotions kind of running haywire at times; they create all of these other issues.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tShaunti:\u00a0If, in the middle of a conflict, a husband will just say a few words, it will make everything better, and those words are something like, \"Honey, I'm angry, but I want you to know we're okay.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[musical transition] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0This is FamilyLife Today for Tuesday, April 18th.\u00a0 Our host is the president of FamilyLife, Dennis Rainey, and I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 And, guys, we're going to help you get inside the heart and the head of your wife today, and it's not that scary.\u00a0 Come on, you can do it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[musical transition] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And welcome to FamilyLife Today, thanks for joining us on the Tuesday edition.\u00a0 I did not mean \"defective.\"\u00a0 That was not the word I meant to pick when I was talking about how women think.\u00a0 I think the word I was \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0What was the word you were thinking of, Bob?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0I think the word was \"unique.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0How about the word \"different.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Different, yeah, that will work, too.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Different.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Women think differently than men, and \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0\u2026 and different is not wrong \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0\u2026 it's just different.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0It's just different.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0But, see, there's still something that keeps coming back.\u00a0 Do you remember Henry Higgins in \"My Fair Lady?\" \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Yes, yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0He had this song, \"Why Can't a Woman be More Like a Man?\"\u00a0 Men are so logical, they're so this, they're so that \u2013 why can't a woman be more like a man?\u00a0 And haven't you ever found yourself just wondering why can't you just think more like me?<br>\u00a0\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0You know, we marry our wives because they are different, and after we marry them, we then go about the process of changing them, all right, to try to make them into more like us.\u00a0 And if they did, they would lose their mystery.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Well, you know, the wedding ceremony is actually set up to predispose us to want to change our wives, you know that, right?\u00a0 It's set up this way.\u00a0 It starts off with the bride standing at the end of the aisle, and then she walks up to the altar, and while she's doing that, someone is singing a hymn and, in the groom's mind, there is this whole idea, \"I'll alter him, I'll alter him.\"\u00a0 I guess that's in the bride's mind.\u00a0 Never mind.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Let's get on with our guests \u2013 it is a bad joke.\u00a0 We have a couple of guests who join us again on FamilyLife Today \u2013 Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn.\u00a0 Welcome back, Jeff and Shaunti.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tShaunti:\u00a0Thanks.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJeff:\u00a0Thanks.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Glad to have you back.\u00a0 They have written a book called \"For Men Only, A Straightforward Guide to the Inner Lives of Women.\"\u00a0 And Jeff is an attorney so this book is well crafted.\u00a0 The words are well shaped to communicate to men so they can better understand their wives.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0This is your closing argument, right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJeff:\u00a0And there is a legal disclaimer at the end of the book.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0What I liked about the book \u2013 did you notice it, right there at the front \u2013 the Quick Start Guide?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Oh, yeah, absolutely.\u00a0 That is where mine is open right now.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0You can read the first, what, seven or eight pages of this book, you've got the whole thing, right?\u00a0 I mean, in man terms, you've got the whole thing.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJeff:\u00a0Absolutely right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0In woman terms, you don't have the feeling, you don't have the experience, you don't have all the nuances, but, for a guy, you've got it, right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJeff:\u00a0Well, we had to realize that most guys don't read books like this.\u00a0 So how can we get it to them in bite-sized pieces so that they can digest it and learn something?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0It's a great part of the book.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0It is.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Great feature.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0And what they've done in the book, is they've really revealed the result of focus groups, research of more than 3,000 respondents around the country where they've talked to women about helping men better understand them.\u00a0 And yesterday we talked about the first result of six findings that you came up with, and that's that the deal is not closed, the deal isn't done.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0And the idea there is that in the heart of a woman there is a longing to be reassured that the love that a husband has expressed to his wife is for real, and it's going to continue, and it's permanent.\u00a0 And, Shaunti, you've said that when there's conflict or when there is withdrawal or stress or preoccupation, it raises doubts in the hearts of a wife.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tShaunti:\u00a0It really does, and it's \u2013 we know that it's probably not particularly logical, but we also just feel it.\u00a0 Honestly, even the most secure woman can have this feeling rise up \u2013 does he still love me?\u00a0 Are we still okay?\u00a0 And so the thing that Jeff and I, one of the magic bullets that we like telling guys, because they're all about \u2013 just tell me what to do, what do I do about it?\u00a0 And, honestly, the thing that really helped Jeff the most was learning \u2013 and the survey, by the way, backed us up \u2013 that if, in the middle of a conflict, a husband will just say a few words, it will make everything better, and those words are something like, \"Honey, I\u2019m angry, and I need my space, but I want you to know we're okay.\"\u00a0 And then it makes it so much easier for us, as a wife, to give him the space that he needs because that one statement has reassured us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0You know what that makes me think of, hearing them say that, at the Weekend to Remember conference where we're talking with couples about conflict and how things get locked up, to recognize that in the midst of conflict, it's not just the two of you who are involved, but there is an enemy who wants your marriage to dissolve.\u00a0 And so we've counseled a lot of couples to look at each other in the midst of conflict and say, \"You are not my enemy.\"\u00a0 And the other one will say, \"You are not my enemy.\"\u00a0 And there is something about that that lets some of the pressure out of the balloon, and you can move to resolution a whole lot quicker.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0And the phrase, \"We're okay,\" really takes care of what is in the soul of a woman.\u00a0 She wants to know that she is secure.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tShaunti:\u00a0Yes, and, apparently, according to Jeff and the other guys, they don't realize that that's even in doubt.\u00a0 They don't realize that that's what's rising up in her.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Jeff, did you realize, as you were doing the research and starting to go through this \u2013 did you realize that your wife and most women are multitaskers?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJeff:\u00a0I realized that I was confused oftentimes by conversations that we'd have; by things that we would do together; and I didn't know what to attribute it to.\u00a0 I just thought, \"She's emotional,\" and as a result of her emotions kind of running haywire at times, they create all of these other issues.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0We guys tend to be pretty focused on whatever the task at hand is, but for our wives, whatever the task at hand is, there are three or four other things that are kind of swirling around all at the same time.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Well, it's what's happened all day.\u00a0 I mean, it's the context of her life \u2013 her children, her place of work, her home, her relationships with her parents, with her friends, her family members.\u00a0 You're smiling, Shaunti.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tShaunti:\u00a0I'm sorry \u2013 we tell guys in the book that women have all these Windows open, you know, we're like a computer desktop with 20 windows open at once, and as you were talking, Dennis, I'm like, \"Oh, man, I hope so-and-so remember to pick the kids up from school today.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[crosstalk] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Jeff's been here thinking about the radio program, and that's all you \u2013 you hadn't even thought about the kids in the last hour, have you?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJeff:\u00a0Not a bit, unfortunately, I hate to say it.\u00a0 And the fact is, I would have thought about the kids at some point, but I would have done it sequentially.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0What is it with this 20 Windows open at the same time thing?\u00a0 What's going on?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tShaunti:\u00a0Well, the analogy we use in the book is like guys being like a computer with one Window open at a time.\u00a0 You work on whatever you're working on, you click the little \"x\" and you close it, and you move on to the next spot or the next emotion or the next task, whatever it is.\u00a0 And we women, we have seven, eight, 20, whatever it is, Windows open, and we're bouncing back and forth between them.\u00a0 And the difference, really, for most of us, is that we can't just \u2013 when something is really bothering us, we can't just click the \"x\" and make it go away.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJeff:\u00a0Just not think about it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tShaunti:\u00a0And just not think about it, yeah.\u00a0 Jeff would always \u2013 you know, it was one of these things that guys often say, \"Just don't let it bother you, Sweetheart,\" and we're clicking the \"x\" and all it's doing is maybe minimizing it, but it's, like, spyware or something on your computer.\u00a0 It will just pop back up again.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0I've got a great illustration of it.\u00a0 Barbara and I watched a popular show the other night \u2013 \"24.\"\u00a0 So here is Jack Bauer, who is conquering the world every two-and-a-half minutes, and one of the characters in there besides Jack was \u2013 in this particular episode we were watching, was his wife, and she was in trouble.\u00a0 And, of course, the episode is over, and we move on with life, and we're doing something, and about two and a half hours later, we're getting ready to go to bed, and Barbara is preoccupied.\u00a0 I'm saying, \"What wrong, sweetheart?\"\u00a0 She goes, \"Well, I'm just concerned about Jack's wife.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0I'm going, \"Jack's wife?\"\u00a0 But here's the thing I've learned about my wife.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Now, \"24\" fans will know he was watching Season 1, because Jack's wife \u2013 I'm not going any farther than that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Don't give it away, Bob, don't give it away.\u00a0 But the point is that my wife is visual, and through here eye gate, she is collecting data, and it's why we can be having a conversation around something, and I'm totally focused on her, and she's looking up at the corner at the wallpaper where we're having our meal, and she's going, \"You know, the house needs to be fixed.\"\u00a0 And so that Window pops open.\u00a0 You're nodding, Jeff, you've been in that conversation \u2013 not with my wife.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJeff:\u00a0Numerous times.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Yeah, but we don't realize that they can have all these Windows, and you call them \"pop-ups\" that cloud the screen, and you wonder how any communication occurs, but a wife, a woman, has that capability.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tShaunti:\u00a0But, see, here's the thing is guys, you guys, no offense, you think of it as clouding the screen, and for us it's just us.\u00a0 I mean, this is just everyday life.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0For a man, though, it does cloud the screen.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tShaunti:\u00a0Oh, yeah, absolutely.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0We don't minimize the one Window, we make it big, and it's the total focus of the deal at that point.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tShaunti:\u00a0Absolutely.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0So we're talking to our wives, and here's all these things, and so we filter that through ours, and we have to remember how we began this broadcast \u2013 different is not wrong, it's just different.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJeff:\u00a0And I think the shock, to me, during all of the research, was the frequency that they would have this experience; that it was ongoing.\u00a0 It wasn't just a one-time thing in the magnitude of the feeling of it.\u00a0 For a guy, he can experience this to a degree.\u00a0 He's had a bad day at work, something is wrong with his industry, he's worried whether he's going to be able to provide for his family in the future.\u00a0 That's a thought that comes back, and he may be doing other things with his family during that night, but away from work he has that recurring thought coming back time and time again.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0So we understand it, but it's usually reserved for those big events.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Right, you were having dinner with a couple, and a wife had a pop-up in the middle of dinner, and nobody knew it until her husband kind of intuitively picked up on it, right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJeff:\u00a0That's right.\u00a0 I was visiting with a colleague, having dinner, and the husband, when I arrived, was doing some work in the living room with one of those little firestarter gadgets.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Uh-huh.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJeff:\u00a0Got done with that, walked into the dining room where dinner was laid out, we sat down, and the wife said, \"Bob, what did you do with the firestarter?\"\u00a0 He said, \"Well, I left it in the living room.\"\u00a0 She said, \"But the kids are in there.\"\u00a0 And he said, \"Don't worry, they can't do anything with it.\u00a0 It's got that safety mechanism on it.\u00a0 They're not strong enough.\u00a0 Nothing will happen.\"\u00a0 And she said, \"But\" \u2013 okay, so we started dinner.\u00a0 I, having just done the research for this particular chapter said, \"You know this reminds me of\" \u2013 and I explained the whole issue of an open Window.\u00a0 She said, \"That's it,\" and immediately got up, got the firestarter, set it in the kitchen out of the kids' reach and said, \"Okay, now I can enjoy dinner.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tShaunti:\u00a0And the thing to me that's so interesting that if a guy is \u2013 both Jeff and his friend realized is if she hadn't been encouraged to take what was really a 10-second action, she wouldn't have been able to enjoy the next two hours of dinner, and the thing, honestly, that I tell guys now when we're talking to groups of maybe men and women, is \"Think about it, guys.\u00a0 You have a couple of options here.\u00a0 You can either say, 'Just don't let it bother you,' and you know what?\u00a0 If the Window is open, remember, she can't necessarily close it.\u00a0 It's not the way we're wired.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0It's not a matter of just saying to her, \"Just minimize it or click it and take it away.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tShaunti:\u00a0Yeah, because we just don't often have the capacity to be able to do that.\u00a0 It just keeps popping up.\u00a0 So you can either do that or you can say, \"Okay, go ahead and get it.\u00a0 I know it's going to be bother you.\"\u00a0 Or, even better, is actually say, \"You know what?\u00a0 I can tell this is going to be bothering you.\u00a0 Let me go get it for you.\"\u00a0 And it's funny, I was just a few weekends ago talking to a mixed group of men and women, and when I said that, all the women stood up and started clapping, and you could see all the guys looking at them in utter shock, like, \"What?\"\u00a0 And think how simple that is, but, oh, it makes the woman feel absolutely adored and understood, and it's such a simple thing.\u00a0 So, guys, anytime you find yourself saying, \"Don't think about it,\" change that to thinking, \"Hm, I could earn some brownie points here.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Okay, here's the question, Shaunti, and I'm very sensitive to the fact that there are three men in this studio with one woman.\u00a0 We asked Barbara to come in, but she had some other matters she had to attend to, and she couldn't come in.\u00a0 But she would laugh at this question \u2013 there seems to be an event in the lives of every married couple where it's not just that there are a few Windows open for a woman, it's, like, all of a sudden, the Windows are open all over the place, and the man literally does not know what to do.\u00a0 It seems like when a woman lays down in bed and has a few moments to finally unwind at the end of the day, pewww, pewww, pewww.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tShaunti:\u00a0Well, it's because you're finally able to sort of put everything else you were doing that was taking your brain aside and, all of a sudden, now, your Windows have a chance to filter through all these other things.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0So what would you advise a man to do with those Windows at that point?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tShaunti:\u00a0Well, let me tell you, here's the thing \u2013 honestly, that is so hard, Jeff tells me, for guys \u2013 but, honestly, to be able to say, to resolve them, the easiest way to resolve them is just to let her talk through them, even if it's just for a couple of minutes.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0I'm seeing all these, like, deer-in-the-headlights faces.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0It's never a couple of minutes, Shaunti, come on, let's be real.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tShaunti:\u00a0Okay, could I tell you that \u2013 okay, could I tell you, then, the secret bullet to this one.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Yeah, please.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tShaunti:\u00a0All right, guys, here is what you need, okay?\u00a0 You ask her how her day was way before bedtime.\u00a0 You ask her over dinner, you ask her at 7:00 at night when you get home, and you let her work through those things.\u00a0 Guess what?\u00a0 They won't need to be worked through later.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0So you're saying if you can somehow get those windows dealt with earlier, they won't be there?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tShaunti:\u00a0That's right, because all it is is a matter of what we need to resolve them, which, in most cases \u2013 not all \u2013 but in most cases is just to talk about them.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Okay, but you know what I'm talking about here where you're cuddling a little bit, and you're nuzzling a little bit, and all of a sudden your wife will say, \"I've been thinking about this summer\" \u2013 and you go, \"Thinking about this summer?\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tShaunti:\u00a0That's not what I what I think you would be thinking about right now.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0And it's just kind of, like, what do you do?\u00a0 As a guy, there, you go, \"Well, let's talk about that, sweetheart, for a few minutes, huh?\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tShaunti:\u00a0Okay, I will admit, that is correct.\u00a0 That is not the right time, but you can say, \"Let's talk about that a little bit later.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Okay, now that we're \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tShaunti:\u00a0She knows that you're not trying to avoid it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tShaunti:\u00a0There you go.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0That's good.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0So the way you help your wife close a Window is, as a man, you click on it, and you maximize it, and you focus on that Window with her and allow her to kind of unpack what's in the window, and then you kind of help her shut it down, and then you move to the next one, right, and you maximize it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Are we getting this?\u00a0 Is this the way you do this?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJeff:\u00a0You have to, also, as a guy, come to it with a point of \"I'm not going to be defensive about this, too,\" because, quite frankly, some of the Windows, the most important Windows that are popping up in her head perhaps involve you or your relationship, and, as a man, perhaps when the wife wants to talk about the relationship, that's when we become, perhaps, even the most defensive.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Give us an illustration from your marriage, Jeff.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJeff:\u00a0Shaunti, can you do it?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0You got an open Window on this one, Shaunti?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Anything popping up for you right here?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tShaunti:\u00a0You know, honestly, for me, it comes out as one of the subjects we were already talking about this week, which is that there could be something in my head that got triggered.\u00a0 Sort of that, \"Oh, man, is our relationship okay?\"\u00a0 You know, and that may not have been resolved just because maybe he's angry or he's still a little quiet \u2013 that's a big one \u2013 and so, honestly, being able to just say, you know, \"I'm sorry.\"\u00a0 This is something that Jeff does all the time, because now he knows.\u00a0 He's, like, \"Oh, man, you've got another Window open, don't you?\"\u00a0 \"Yup.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And he'll do this great thing now that he knows he needs to where he'll actually say, \"You know what?\u00a0 I know that I've been a little withdrawn,\" or \"I know I've been a little grouch, and I'm sorry.\"\u00a0 And that's really all it takes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Window closed?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tShaunti:\u00a0Window closed, yeah.\u00a0 This is, again, part of the theme that we've been saying all the way through this book is guys think understanding women is impossible, and it's really not rocket science.\u00a0 This stuff is really simple.\u00a0 It's just maybe you haven't been used to it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0It does work, but the thing I want to caution men with right now, because this would be the mistake, I would think \u2013 \"Okay, this is real simple.\u00a0 I'm going to go home, and I'm going to click on a couple of Windows and check that off.\"\u00a0 Well, if you haven't been doing this, there may be a number of Windows open.\u00a0 In fact, as you click off one, there maybe a pop-up that occurs behind it that is the result of neglect \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tShaunti:\u00a0Yeah, it's a really good point.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0In terms of not depositing love in the life of your wife over a period of weeks, months, or even years.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0It may take more than just a \"Gee, I'm sorry, I've been a little grouchy lately,\" and the Window closed, right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0It may take a \"You know, sweetheart, as I listen to this, I'm sorry.\u00a0 It is clear that I have not been the husband I need to be, and I want to be there for you, and if we have to take the next few days or few weeks and begin to open some Windows and talk about them and interact around them, I'm committed to you.\u00a0 I want to express my love to you, because I want us to go the distance.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJeff:\u00a0Every guy is motivated by wanting peace in his household, and these are ways that he can achieve that.\u00a0 So it may take some work.\u00a0 You didn't start running a marathon the very first time you decided to do it.\u00a0 It took a little effort, it took a little work, but Scripture commands us that we are to love our wives as Christ loved the church.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Is there not something Microsoft or Google could do to help you guys view women.\u00a0 You know, what I'm thinking?\u00a0 Something we could upload that just would fix this whole problem?\u00a0 That's what I'm looking for, and we have it in our FamilyLife Resource Center.\u00a0 The new device that will help your wife close all her Windows instantly.\u00a0 We'd sell a lot of those.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0We would, I'm telling you, and guys would glaze over.\u00a0 But, number one, it's focus.\u00a0 It's looking her in the eyes and listening.\u00a0 Number two, it's handling as many of those Windows as she wants to let you into and talk about and being patient with her and, as we'll talk about later on this week, as Shaunti and Jeff write about their book, it means you don't always try to fix what's in the Window.\u00a0 Because, as a man, we move toward being Mr. Fix-It when the Window pops open when our wives, first and foremost, just need us to focus and listen.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Yes, you really have to have a fundamental commitment to doing what the Bible talks about in 1 Peter, chapter 3, verse 7 that you've made reference to this week, and that is to live with our wives in an understanding way.\u00a0 If we're going to do that as husbands we have to first get some understanding, and that's where the book the two of you have written is very helpful.\u00a0 It's called \"For Men Only,\" and it gives us a look inside what's going on in the heart and the mind of most women based on the survey data you've gotten back from hundreds of women that you've talked to.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0We've got copies of the book in our FamilyLife Resource Center, and I know many of our listeners appreciated the book, \"For Women Only,\" where you took the same approach to understand what's going on in a man's heart and mind.\u00a0 We have that book in our FamilyLife Resource Center as well.\u00a0 Now they're going to want to get the book \"For Men Only,\" and guys are going to want to read this so they can do a better job of loving their wives well.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Go to our website, FamilyLife.com.\u00a0 In the middle of the screen you'll see a button that says \"Go.\"\u00a0 You click on that button, it will take you right to a page where you can get more information about how you can order a copy of this book and have it sent to you.\u00a0 There are other resources on that page that you may want to consider like the book \"For Women Only.\"\u00a0 That's available from our FamilyLife Resource Center as well.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And we've got some books that many husbands and wives have told us that they have found very helpful.\u00a0 They are books that have romantic tips \u2013 just ideas, things you can do to express your love and your affection for your husband or for your wife.\u00a0 For example, on the \"Tips for Romancing Your Wife,\" one of them is to take $10 over to the Dollar Store and buy her 10 fun gifts that remind her of you, and over dinner give them one at a time and tell her why you bought each one and why it reminds you of her.\u00a0 We've got ideas like that in these books, and if you're interested in getting those along with Jeff and Shaunti's book, \"For Men Only,\" we can send you along at no additional cost the two CDs that feature this week's conversation with Jeff and Shaunti on the book \"For Men Only,\" and you can either review the material yourself or pass it on to someone else who might benefit from listening to it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Again, our website is FamilyLife.com.\u00a0 Just go there and click the \"Go\" button in the middle of the screen.\u00a0 That will take you right to the page where you can get more information about these resources or order online, if you'd like, or call us at 1-800-358-6329; 1-800-F-as-in-family, L-as-in-life, and then the word TODAY, and we'll make sure that we can get these things out to you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Tomorrow Jeff and Shaunti Feldhahn are going to be back, and we want to talk about safety and security and why that's so important to a wife, and why men don't really understand exactly what that means and what's going on in a wife's heart when she is feeling insecure.\u00a0 We're going to talk about that tomorrow.\u00a0 I hope you can be with us for that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0I want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team.\u00a0 On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 We'll see you back next time for another edition of FamilyLife Today. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0FamilyLife Today is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas, a ministry of Campus Crusade for Christ.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t__________________________________________________________________\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you.\u00a0 However, there is a cost to transcribe, create, and produce them for our website.\u00a0 If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would\u00a0 you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/site\/c.dnJHKLNnFoG\/b.3782043\/k.384D\/Support_Us.htm\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright \u00a9 FamilyLife.\u00a0 All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/www.FamilyLife.com\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 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