{"id":301094,"date":"2006-04-17T11:00:00","date_gmt":"2006-04-17T15:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/the-deal-is-never-closed\/"},"modified":"2024-10-07T22:42:19","modified_gmt":"2024-10-08T02:42:19","slug":"the-deal-is-never-closed","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/the-deal-is-never-closed\/","title":{"rendered":"The Deal is Never Closed"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Jeff and Shaunti Feldhahn explain why women need to be reassured that their marital relationship is doing okay.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2006-04-17.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:","filesize":"11.4M","filesize_raw":"11957919","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2901],"tags":[2877,4022,4001],"podcast_series":[7447],"cwp_profile":[9006,3204],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-301094","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-husbands","tag-marriage","tag-wives","tag-women","podcast_series-for-men-only","cwp_profile-jeff-feldhahn","cwp_profile-shaunti-feldhahn","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/301094\/the-deal-is-never-closed","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/301094\/the-deal-is-never-closed","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"TIvev0nbso\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/the-deal-is-never-closed\/\">The Deal is Never Closed<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/the-deal-is-never-closed\/embed\/#?secret=TIvev0nbso\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;The Deal is Never Closed&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"TIvev0nbso\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":["https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg",508,508,false]},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"kfairris@familylife.com","author_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/author\/kfairrisfamilylife-com\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"Jeff and Shaunti Feldhahn explain why women need to be reassured that their marital relationship is doing okay.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2006-04-17.pdf","transcript_content":"<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Women \u2013 they're not so mysterious, are they?\u00a0 Not so hard to understand?\u00a0 Every guy who is listening right now is thinking, \"What got slipped into his oatmeal?\"\u00a0 Here is author Shaunti Feldhahn.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tShaunti:\u00a0I hadn't realized that you guys think that we're so hard to understand, and it's really untrue.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJeff:\u00a0Most men, I hate to break it to you, will take the opinion that you guys are swamps and, unfortunately, at some point you know that there is quicksand out there.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tShaunti:\u00a0You're going to get sucked in.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJeff:\u00a0And every guy knows that once that happens, the best thing you can do is just to shut down and hope someone comes to rescue you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[musical transition]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0This is FamilyLife Today for Monday, April 17th.\u00a0 Our host is the president of FamilyLife, Dennis Rainey, and I'm Bob Lepine, and if you are a clueless man when it comes to loving your wife, we've got some clues for you today.\u00a0 Stay with us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to FamilyLife Today, thanks for joining us on the Monday edition.\u00a0 This is probably going to get me in trouble, but I'm just being honest here, okay?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Our listeners \u2013 our regular listeners, especially, Bob, are used to hearing you get in trouble.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Well, I was thinking about today's program, and I was thinking about the fact that at some point just about every guy looks at his wife or at a woman he knows, and he asks the question \u2013 what were you thinking, you know?\u00a0 And then it seems like it goes from there to \"Were you thinking, and how do you think\" \u2013 it seems \u2013 it's a mystery for men, and we wind up scratching our heads and think something is defective in there and needs to be fixed, you know what what I mean?\u00a0 Haven't you ever felt that way?\u00a0 Now, be honest \u2013 haven't you ever wondered if God didn't just somehow wire things wrong \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0In my wife?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0I'm not saying in your wife specifically, I'm saying in the way \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0You are in trouble.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0I am in trouble.\u00a0 Maybe we should start the whole program \u2013 can you bail me out of this?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Well, we are different, you know, and, Bob, what you're talking about there is when you get married you find out how really different you are, and I think we spent the first decade of our marriage finding out that different is not wrong, it's just different.\u00a0 And I wish we'd had some training along the lines of helping us, as a man and a woman, understand one another and how we think, because we do think not only differently as male and female, but \u2013 well, the Scriptures \u2013 let me just read something from the Scriptures that catches on here.\u00a0 1 Peter, chapter 3, verse 7, Peter exhorts husbands.\u00a0 He says, \"You husbands likewise live with your wives in an understanding way as with a weaker vessel.\u00a0 Since she is a woman and grant her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life so that your prayers may not be hindered.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And, Bob, there is one word in that passage, 1 Peter 3:7, I want to circle, and I want to spend the next few days just unpacking.\u00a0 It's the word \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0\"Understanding,\" right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Understanding.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Yes, because that's back to what I was talking about \u2013 it's hard sometimes to understand how the other half is thinking.\u00a0 I'm sure it's hard for the other half to understand how I'm thinking sometimes, right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0I think so.\u00a0 You can think that they're defective.\u00a0 I mean, that's \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0That's probably not the nicest way to say it.\u00a0 I want to retract defective \u2013 can we strike that from the record, please?\u00a0 Defective was not what I meant.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0But the reality is when we think about it from our own perspective, and we think we're right, and he's wrong or she's wrong, we need some help, and so we have some guests here on FamilyLife Today who are going to help us \u2013 Jeff and Shaunti Feldhahn.\u00a0 Jeff, I want to welcome you for the first time and, Shaunti, I want to welcome you back.\u00a0 Welcome to FamilyLife Today.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJeff:\u00a0Thanks, Dennis.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tShaunti:\u00a0Great to be with you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Jeff and Shaunti are from Atlanta, Georgia.\u00a0 They have a couple of children and a great writing ministry and a budding speaking ministry in addition to Jeff being an attorney and Shaunti being a writer for \u2013 what's the name of the little paper you write for there in \u2013 a little local paper.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tShaunti:\u00a0A little local, The Atlanta Journal-Constitution, yeah.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Yeah, a little local paper, but some of our listeners are going to remember Shaunti's name from an interview we did with her \u2013 a series of interviews \u2013 called \"For Women Only, What You Need to Know about the Inner Lives of Men.\"\u00a0 In fact, Shaunti, I received an e-mail from a listener, her name is Cynthia, and Cynthia wrote us a few days after your series of interviews with us, and basically she said, \"The reason I'm writing is I'm interested to know why, during this week when you interviewed Shaunti, recommending her book, 'For Women Only,' that you have not once mentioned or recommended any book for the men to read to get to know their wife's heart.\"\u00a0 And she goes on to say, \"What's up with that?\u00a0 I mean, it was a one-sided conversation.\"\u00a0 Well, there's a reason for that, wasn't there, Shaunti?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tShaunti:\u00a0There was, and it was supposed to be one-sided so we can spend a little bit of time being focused on our men.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0And so what you and Jeff did is you did another research project, and this time you did it for me to help them understand their wives, and you interviewed and researched with how many people \u2013 like, 3,000, Jeff?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJeff:\u00a0It was in that ballpark.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0And so you came up with a second book, \"For Men Only.\"\u00a0 The discoveries \u2013 the seven things women want their husbands to know about them, right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tShaunti:\u00a0We had to be fair, Dennis.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0We have to do both sides of the story, don't we?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0We do.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0And we need to mention here you not only had the research, but you've had years of making mistakes about one another that you've shared with us in this book, right?\u00a0 I mean, you've learned along the way that you guys are different, right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJeff:\u00a0Absolutely.\u00a0 I think the biggest thing that most men struggle with is the actual concept that women could be understood \u2013 just what we were talking about earlier.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0So you would validate what I was saying?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJeff:\u00a0It was my biggest hesitation was actually trying to write this book with Shaunti.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0So the Scriptures over in 1 Peter 3:7, when it commands husbands to live with their wives in an understanding way are really on target.\u00a0 The Scriptures, once again \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJeff:\u00a0\u2026 absolutely right ..\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0\u2026 know it \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJeff:\u00a0Absolutely.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Now, you compare a woman after all these interviews \u2013 I found this interesting, and this may even be as delicate a word as \"defective,\" all right?\u00a0 But you compare women to \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJeff:\u00a0A swamp.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0You said it, I didn't.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJeff:\u00a0Shaunti had made the comment early on that \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0\u2026 a woman is a swamp.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJeff:\u00a0Let me explain, please, please, and Bob might have to bail me out on this one.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Thanks for joining me here in the dog pound, I appreciate it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJeff:\u00a0Shaunti had said that, really, we're not random.\u00a0 We can be mapped.\u00a0 We are understandable terrain, and I said, \"Well, you know, most men, I hate to break it to you, will take the opinion that you guys are swamps and, quite frankly, you can't see the ground where you're walking, where you're going to step, and, unfortunately, at some point you know that there is quicksand out there, and you're going to step in it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tShaunti:\u00a0You're going to get sucked in.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJeff:\u00a0And every guy knows that once that happens, the best thing you can do is just to shut down and hope someone comes to rescue you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Shaunti, were you being serious when you said that women are \u2013 can be mapped, and it's understandable terrain?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tShaunti:\u00a0Absolutely.\u00a0 That is one of the things that has been the biggest surprise for Jeff, and I hope he'll back me up on this, is that when I started talking to him about, you know \u2013 we've really got to be fair about this.\u00a0 We've got to do both sides of the story.\u00a0 We've got to do a book for men about how we're wired and just like, \"Well, but, you're random.\u00a0 You can't be understood.\"\u00a0 And he says, you know, when I picked myself up off the ground, you know, it really did come down to, though, I hadn't realized that you guys think that we're so hard to understand and, absolutely, we women can be systemized and understood just like you all can.\u00a0 It's really untrue that we are random.\u00a0 You've just got to know what the truths are.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Okay, you're going to have to prove this out to me this week.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tShaunti:\u00a0We will.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0I think there is still \u2013 and would you say your opinion on this has changed since you started writing this book?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJeff:\u00a0It has changed considerably, yet I still struggle with certain findings that we've come up with.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0I just want to add my voice to yours, all right?\u00a0 Because, Shaunti, you may say you can be mapped, but we have Barbara here in this studio with a statement saying, \"You men want to reduce us to an equation \u2013 A+B+C=D.\u00a0 And we, as women, do not want to be reduced to an equation.\u00a0 We want to be a mystery; we want you to pursue us.\u00a0 We don't want you to figure us out and have us totally understood, because that would mean the chase is over and the mystery is solved.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tShaunti:\u00a0One of the things we're actually saying in the book is that one of the subjects that needs to be understood is how much women want to be pursued, but it doesn't mean that once you understand her that the pursuit has to be over.\u00a0 In fact, hopefully, you understand that actually she needs that pursuit, and that's one of the things that can be systemized enough.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0I'm just thinking every few days or maybe every few weeks something \u2013 a woman decides, \"I'm going to rewire today.\u00a0 I'm just going to rewire the whole circuit board, and we'll start something fresh and new.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Maybe this is why the \"defective\" word comes in.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Maybe that's where it came from.\u00a0 One of the chief findings that you found is that women \u2013 there's almost a universal, bottomless void in the heart of a woman, wondering, \"Do you still love me?\"\u00a0 And you can do everything you can do as a husband to try to send that message, and you may pour some water into the bottomless hole, but it never gets filled up, and it's a constant need, right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJeff:\u00a0It is, and it is surprising to me, and I think it's surprising to most men that most of us view our wives as being confident.\u00a0 Women who know what they're doing, are assured of themselves in the marketplace, raising the kids as a wife, but yet what we've found is that even within each of those confident, self-assured women is this latent insecurity that asks the question \u2013 \"Do you still love me?\"\u00a0 And usually that arises when something triggers it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Shaunti and I were talking about this \u2013 we came up with an analogy, and how we can explain it so that guys understand it.\u00a0 The analogy we came up with is a guy at work.\u00a0 For most guys, they'll probably be honest, and they'll say, you know, \"Do you ever feel permanently secure in your job?\"\u00a0 If you ask them that question, and they'll say, \"Oh, not permanently.\u00a0 In fact, probably could be three or four mistakes away from losing my job.\u00a0 The industry could take a hiccup, and I could be out of work.\u00a0 So I need to keep in the forefront of my mind, how am I going to provide for my family?\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0You've got to keep the resume up to date and keep [inaudible] open.\u00a0 You never know what's going to happen.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJeff:\u00a0Absolutely.\u00a0 We ran that analogy past several women in our focus group and later with other women, and they said similar.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0That's how they feel about marriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJeff:\u00a0\"We feel that we could be three or four disagreements, conflicts, away from things going really bad.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0As in divorce? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJeff:\u00a0Just really bad.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tShaunti:\u00a0Even if it's not divorce \u2013 even the thought of three or four bad blowups away from losing your love, even if I know you'd never divorce me, that doesn't mean that you might not be completely distant emotionally and sort of be stuck there.\u00a0 Honestly, we heard, verbatim, the same, exact sentence from multiple women, and I've felt this myself, which is, \"What happens if he doesn't snap out of it this time?\"\u00a0 I mean, that truly is \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Snap out of what?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tShaunti:\u00a0Whatever his funk is, his upsetness with her.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Whatever has taken his eye away from the captivation of marriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tShaunti:\u00a0Yes, sort of that idea of he's upset with me, and maybe he's disappointed with me, maybe he's withdrawn, whatever it is, and it's kind of this, \"What happens if he doesn't snap out of it this time?\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Obviously, I know when Jeff is upset, and he needs his space, I know that he is going to come back at some point.\u00a0 I mean, he's a great husband, he tries to do things that make me feel loved, but it doesn't change the fact that I am wired with this insecurity, even as a confident, secure woman, that when it rises up, I do kind of think, you know, it really doesn't feel \u2013 nothing is right with the world until this between us is resolved.\u00a0 He can go off to work and put it out of his mind \u2013 I can't.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0We were talking earlier about your love for the University of Michigan football, and on those Saturdays when The Blue would lose, you would drift off into an emotional funk, right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJeff:\u00a0Absolutely.\u00a0 It was the way I was raised.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0And when that happened, did that create insecurity in your end of marriage?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tShaunti:\u00a0Oh, yeah.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0I mean, you knew why he was upset \u2013 because his team lost, right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tShaunti:\u00a0Yeah, but, I think, you know, \"Golly, do I mean\" \u2013 and this sounds silly, but especially early on in our marriage, I'd kind of think, you know, \"Do I mean so little to him that he would allow this football game to get in the way of him being the loving husband that he knows that I need,\" and, you know, I just didn't understand at that point what was going on.\u00a0 But this points out that I think guys don't understand \u2013 that your wife never feels permanently loved.\u00a0 It is something that you do have to be pouring in \u2013 great analogy \u2013 pouring in the water and because it truly will \u2013 the things of life will drain it away and, really, the focus, the really narrow focus of the chapter is that nothing will drain it quicker than that sense that you guys are in conflict; that he is displeased with you.\u00a0 It sounds real old-fashioned, honestly, it doesn't sound like a strong, liberated woman should be thinking this way but, truly, that's where it comes up.\u00a0 One woman said, \"I know it sounds old-fashioned, but a lot of desperate feelings arise for me when I think that he is displeased with me.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJeff:\u00a0Could we talk about the pouring in?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJeff:\u00a0Because for most guys that is the overwhelming thought.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Well, and that's what I wanted to know \u2013 I mean, now that you know this about Shaunti \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJeff:\u00a0\u2026 right \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0\u2026 now that you know that there is some insecurity and that that's all \u2013 even with what you see, what are you doing differently, how are you making this work?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJeff:\u00a0What I've learned is if \u2013 most guys would probably say the pouring in involves some Herculean tasks, and that is I have to plan this romantic meal for every two weeks or plan some romantic getaway or whatever it is \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0\u2026 flowers, greeting cards, phone calls \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJeff:\u00a0It's a lot of work.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Oh, man \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJeff:\u00a0\u2026 a whole lot of work.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0I'm getting worn out here when you talk about that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0I just want to stop you there, Jeff, because the way we think as men \u2013 we want to make this Herculean task you're talking about an event.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0We've been making a deposit that gets us off the hook the next couple of weeks.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0It's a checklist, it's a checklist, so it's done, it's back to done, and the reality is it's not an event.\u00a0 You're not married to an event, we're married to a person who happens to be a wooomann.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJeff:\u00a0With different needs than what we have.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Exactly.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJeff:\u00a0And what I've found, and the \u2013 I'll tell you, the happy news in all of this is that it really is the small things, but it's consistency.\u00a0 It's the small things such as taking her hand in the parking lot when you're walking from one store to the next; giving her a little voice mail on her phone when you know she's not going to pick up \u2013 30 seconds that tells her how much you appreciate her; sending her an e-mail \u2013 little things that take so little time in our day but deposit in her the sense that \"He's there for me; he loves me.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0I called Mary Ann one day in the middle of work, and she answered and said hello, and \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Did you have my permission to make that phone call, by the way?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0I was on a break.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0I called, and I said, \"I was just calling to see how your day is going; just thinking about you.\"\u00a0 And she said, \"No, really, what?\"\u00a0 And I said, \"I was thinking about you.\"\u00a0 And she said, \"No, really, what were you calling about?\"\u00a0 And I realized when she said that I have not done this often enough.\u00a0 She knows the only time I call her is when I've got some agenda item, and I need to be calling a little more often to say, \"I was just thinking about you, what's going on with you?\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tShaunti:\u00a0You know something real interesting about that?\u00a0 That we \u2013 as we were doing the research is that we found that, in general, most guys \u2013 and the ladies out here listening to this will be surprised by this \u2013 most guys actually think about their wives throughout the day.\u00a0 Even if it's just a little flash, you know, a little two-second, \"Oh, how much I appreciate her,\" that they think about their wives 10, 15 times during the day or more sometimes, but they never actually do anything with it.\u00a0 And that's fine, but it's \u2013 the women don't realize, really, he is thinking about you.\u00a0 And so Jeff, what he's realized is \u2013 you know what?\u00a0 Even once training yourself that when it flashes across your mind, picking up the phone, leaving a 20-second voice mail \u2013 that makes me feel so loved.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd I actually asked a bunch of these women as I was doing some of these interviews \u2013 I said, \"Has your husband ever done this?\"\u00a0 And this one woman said, \"You know what?\u00a0 He did this two months ago.\u00a0 I came home, and there was a voice mail on my answering machine, and he said how much he loved me and appreciated me and, oh, my goodness, I can still remember every word he said,\" and she went on and on and on for, like three or four minutes about this, and I thought, \"That probably took the guy 20 seconds, and she can still remember it two months later and remember exactly what he said.\u00a0 Guys who are listening to this \u2013 see how simple that is?\u00a0 It's such a huge return.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Can we wrap this up, because I need to go make a phone call.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0You know what I mean?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0I just have a very simple assignment for every man listening who is married, all right?\u00a0 From this multiple-choice question, pick one of the following to execute with your wife in the next 24 hours.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0All right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Number one, a handwritten note that you leave for her either at the beginning of the day or you leave on her pillow before you leave for a trip \u2013 just find a way to write a handwritten note.\u00a0 Secondly, open the door for her the next time you go somewhere together \u2013 to church, to go out to eat \u2013 open the door, give her your arm, and take her by the hand, and walk her to the restaurant and have your cell phone handy to call \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0911.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0911.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0I did this.\u00a0 I opened the door for Mary Ann after you and I had been out to dinner \u2013 you and Barbara and Mary Ann and I had been out to dinner recently, and I went around and opened the door, and she said, \"Oh, sure, your boss is here, and so you open the door for me.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Yeah, you got no points for that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0No points.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Number three \u2013 now, this is going to sound to some of the guys a little Herculean, in Jeff's words, but this is very simple \u2013 but I'm going to tell you something \u2013 this is a huge payoff.\u00a0 Ask your wife at the beginning of the day that when you come home at the end of the evening, you would like to have a discussion with her either over dinner or after the kids are in bed of what her top three needs are.\u00a0 She can think about it all day long, write down her top three needs and, I promise you, you don't have to meet those needs to win.\u00a0 All you have to do is interact with her and talk with her about those needs.\u00a0 Just to affirm what we're saying, Shaunti is nodding her head.\u00a0 Right, Shaunti?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tShaunti:\u00a0Absolutely.\u00a0 Even though I can see how a guy would think it would be Herculean, but just listening, which we will talk about later in this week, will make a huge impact on her.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0And I just have to say, whatever you do, guys, if you do this \u2013 do not tell your wife that you were hanging around Bob or me or listening to Jeff or Shaunti here on FamilyLife.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[crosstalk] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0You get no points for that, either.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Let me suggest a fourth item, and that is that guys get a copy of the book that Jeff and Shaunti have written that is called \"For Men Only.\"\u00a0 We've got it in our FamilyLife Resource Center.\u00a0 Of course, we have Shaunti's book \"For Women Only\" as well, and there may be some wives who haven't gotten that yet, and they want to get a copy of that book.\u00a0 Go to our website, FamilyLife.com, and click the \"Go\" button that you see in the middle of the screen, and that will take you right to the page where you can get more information about the book, \"For Men Only.\"\u00a0 You can order it online, if you'd like.\u00a0 There is also information there about a couple of books that FamilyLife has published that a lot of husbands and wives have found very helpful \u2013 books called \"Simply Romantic Tips to Romance Your Husband,\" or the book, \"Simply Romantic Tips to Romance Your Wife.\"\u00a0 You may want to get ahold of those books as well so that you can do a better job, a more effective job, of communicating what's really in your heart to your spouse.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Again, our website is FamilyLife.com, click the \"Go\" button in the middle of the screen.\u00a0 You'll find more information on that page about Shaunti and Jeff's book, \"For Men Only.\"\u00a0 Other resources available from us here at FamilyLife, and if you want Jeff and Shaunti's book along with the Romantic Tips books, we'll send you at no additional cost the CD audio of our week-long visit with the Feldhahns.\u00a0 You can review these programs or pass them along to someone else who might benefit from hearing them. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Again, the website, FamilyLife.com, or call us at 1-800-FLTODAY; that's 1-800-F-as-in-family, L-as-in-life, and then the word TODAY, and someone on our team will let you know how you can get any of these resources sent to you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0I think one reason why husbands are sometimes confused about what's going on in a wife's heart is because we live in a confusing culture for both husbands and wives.\u00a0 I think there are wives who are confused about what God's priority for them, as a wife, is.\u00a0 A number of months ago we had Pat Ennis and Lisa Tatlock on our program, and we talked about a book they've written called \"Becoming a Woman Who Pleases God,\" and a number of our listeners contacted us asking for the CDs of those programs.\u00a0 This month we wanted to make those CDs available to any of our listeners who can help make a donation to support the ministry of FamilyLife Today.\u00a0 We're listener-supported, and so those donations are what keep us on the air in this city and in cities all across the country.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd if you are able to help with a donation this month, we'd like to invite to request this two-CD series called \"Becoming a Woman Who Pleases God.\"\u00a0 You can make your donation online, and if you do, as you fill out the donation form, just type the two letters \"CD\" in the box where it calls for the keycode.\u00a0 Or if you call 1-800-FLTODAY to make a donation just mention that you'd like the CDs you heard us talking about, and our team will be happy to send those out to you.\u00a0 And thanks, again, for your financial support of this ministry.\u00a0 We appreciate your partnership with us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWell, tomorrow Jeff and Shaunti Feldhahn are going to be back with us, and we're going to talk about what is often very confusing for husbands, and that is when our wives are feeling emotional and expressing those emotions, and we're wondering why they're feeling them as intensely as they are or why they are expressing them the way they are, and we're not sure what to do, as men.\u00a0 We're going to talk about that tomorrow, and I hope you can be back with us for that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0I want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team.\u00a0 On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 We'll see you back here next time for another edition of FamilyLife Today. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0FamilyLife Today is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas, a ministry of Campus Crusade for Christ. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you.\u00a0 However, there is a cost to transcribe, create, and produce them for our website.\u00a0 If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would\u00a0 you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/site\/c.dnJHKLNnFoG\/b.3782043\/k.384D\/Support_Us.htm\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright \u00a9 FamilyLife.\u00a0 All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/www.FamilyLife.com\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 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