{"id":301018,"date":"2005-12-07T12:00:00","date_gmt":"2005-12-07T17:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/sticky-situations\/"},"modified":"2024-10-07T22:42:12","modified_gmt":"2024-10-08T02:42:12","slug":"sticky-situations","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/sticky-situations\/","title":{"rendered":"Sticky Situations"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Tim and Darcy Kimmel talk about sticky situations that make grandparenting sometimes difficult.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2005-12-07.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:","filesize":"11.4M","filesize_raw":"11957083","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[10379],"tags":[2560,4103,4863,4864],"podcast_series":[7417],"cwp_profile":[3211,3058],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-301018","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-grandparents","tag-blended-families","tag-empty-nest","tag-grandparents","tag-step-grandparents","podcast_series-grandparenthood-more-than-rocking-chairs","cwp_profile-darcy-kimmel","cwp_profile-tim-kimmel","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/301018\/sticky-situations","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/301018\/sticky-situations","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"KRhksUUVAQ\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/sticky-situations\/\">Sticky Situations<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/sticky-situations\/embed\/#?secret=KRhksUUVAQ\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Sticky Situations&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"KRhksUUVAQ\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var 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difficult.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2005-12-07.pdf","transcript_content":"<p>\n\t\t\t\tTim:\u00a0Here's a good principle to go by, and that is never sacrifice the permanent on the altar of the immediate.\u00a0 You may have to watch your kids make mistakes with your grandkids.\u00a0 When I look at my kids, and I see them making those mistakes they will make, immediately I could react to that, but I might be sacrificing the long term, and God is in the long term with us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0This is FamilyLife Today for Wednesday, December 7th.\u00a0 Our host is the president of FamilyLife, Dennis Rainey, and I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 We're going to help grandparents today learn when and how to bite their tongues.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And welcome to FamilyLife Today, thanks for joining us.\u00a0 We've been talking this week about being a grandparent, which, I'd just like to add one more time, I am the one in the room who is not a grandparent.\u00a0 I guess it's because I'm the youngest one here, aren't I?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0But you're old enough to be a grandparent.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0I am old enough.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Forty-seven is the average age to be a grandparent.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0And I'm over that but just barely, and a little defensive about it, too, so back off, will you?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0You know, we're going to celebrate the big five-oh with our listeners this year with you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Is that what we're going to do?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[applause, cheers, whistles]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0You have to hear our listeners cheering right now \u2013 hear them, hear them?\u00a0 It's an ovation.\u00a0 They want to join with you in the wake.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Thank you.\u00a0 Grandparenting is still out there on the horizon for me, but as we've been talking about it this week, I'm thinking there are a lot of issues that can come up for grandparents.\u00a0 I mean, issues like what do you do if your kids are messing up bad with the grandchildren?\u00a0 You know, there are a lot of grandparents raising their grandchildren today, stepping in as surrogates.\u00a0 How do you know when to do that?\u00a0 What about when the kids come over to your house to spend a few days there, and the rules at your house are different than the rules at their house, and what about spoiling the grandchildren?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0You mean like blue pop?\u00a0 I gave my grandkids, very health-food conscious, blue \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0\u2026 soda pop.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Blue soda pop.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0That's right \u2013 full of sugar and lots of blue dye.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0But you heard Ashley, she thought it was cool.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Yeah, she thought it was fine.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0She was angry about the fish, however \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0\u2026 that is still in the freezer \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0\u2026 that is still in the freezer, that I promised her parents would clean and cook for \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTim:\u00a0Man, am I glad you didn't go duck hunting.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0There are those kinds of issues, but then you get into some real serious issues \u2013 what about step-grandchildren?\u00a0 What do you do as grandparents if your son and his wife or your daughter and her husband are going through a divorce?\u00a0 How do you intervene?\u00a0 How do you deal with those kinds of things?\u00a0 It can be complicated to be a grandparent and to do it right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0And, you know, if you're going to be equipped, you've got to have experts \u2013 someone to mentor you, and we have \u2013 well, Bob, if you could call anybody in the world to be a mentor of grandparents today \u2013 anyone.\u00a0 I mean, out of 6 billion people on the planet, who would you call?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Well, it wouldn't be these guys.\u00a0 I mean, they've just got two grandchildren.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0They're just getting started.\u00a0 Actually, they've given it biblical thought, they've wrestled with these issues.\u00a0 You guys have been thinking about this for years.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTim:\u00a0A long time, yeah.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0They've really done a nice job.\u00a0 They've got a video curriculum they've put together called \"Grandparenthood \u2013 More Than Rocking Chairs\" \u2013 study guides to go along with it.\u00a0 So it's not a bad choice to call Tim and Darcy Kimmel.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0I think you're right, and it's good to have you back on FamilyLife Today.\u00a0 Darcy, Tim, welcome back.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDarcy:\u00a0Thank you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTim:\u00a0Thank you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Let's talk about one of these issues that Bob hit here earlier.\u00a0 Let's talk about rules, house rules for grandparents.\u00a0 Where should we start?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDarcy:\u00a0Well, first of all, probably the best advice I can give is have as few rules as possible.\u00a0 That way you're not spending most of your time enforcing those rules.\u00a0 What it might require of you is to re-childproof your house a little bit.\u00a0 So you remove the dangers.\u00a0 In Arizona, we have a lot of swimming pools, and so we had taken the fence down on our swimming pool because our children had gotten older.\u00a0 When we knew that we would have a grandchild, we put it back up, because we didn't want to have to worry about that.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0But have as few rules as possible.\u00a0 Make sure that if you are going to have a rule that is different than your \u2013 the rule that is in your child's house, your adult child's house, make sure you run it by them if you think that's going to create some problems.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0For example, can you think of one?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDarcy:\u00a0Perhaps your adult children don't allow their children to eat in front of the TV, but at your house you allow your grandchild to have a snack while they're watching a little video or something.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0And you're saying run that by Mom and Dad before you do it?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDarcy:\u00a0If you think it's going to be problem \u2013 if that's one of their hard, fast rules, then you need to ask permission.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTim:\u00a0And you might have kids that are unbelievers.\u00a0 Maybe one of your children married somebody that doesn't know Christ or maybe neither one of them know Christ, and so in your house, though, the Bible is a part of daily life.\u00a0 Or maybe you like to read a passage of Scripture with the kids when you're putting them to bed.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDarcy:\u00a0Or take them to church on Sunday.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTim:\u00a0Take them to church on Sunday.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0And so if your adult children ask you not to take them to church?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTim:\u00a0You know what I would do on that one?\u00a0 There's more than one way to influence my kids spiritually without having to stick my finger in the eye of my own kids.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0So you wouldn't do it at that point?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTim:\u00a0Yeah, I'd just stay home and spend Sunday with them and just show them what a Christian looks like, up close and personal \u2013 loving on them, teaching them, and spending good time with them.\u00a0 It's not the end of the world, but, you see, that's not usually the problem you have.\u00a0 It's usually a parent that's just not prioritizing spiritual things, but in your house you do. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0I find a lot of the parents want the grandparents to carry out that spiritual standard, because they know that it's missing.\u00a0 They wish that there was more there, but maybe it's because one of the spouses just isn't interested, isn't antagonistic.\u00a0 So usually you can work through those things just fine.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0But the key is that we communicate with the kids so we're letting them say, as for me and my house, there are certain things that we just have to have here.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0And you're talking about times when the grandchildren are coming to spend a few days.\u00a0 If they're coming for the afternoon, you don't childproof the house for the afternoon.\u00a0 You can tell them, \"Don't touch Grandma's stuff this afternoon,\" maybe.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0I can tell you have not got grandchildren, Bob.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDarcy:\u00a0It takes about three seconds for them to find the Comet cleanser.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0That's exactly what happened this past weekend.\u00a0 I turned around, and the rubber band was left off of the cabinet doors that kept underneath the sink kind of locked from our 18-month-old \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTim:\u00a0The childproofing, yeah.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Yeah, yeah, and Tyler got the Comet, and he had dumped half of a large, tall container of Comet cleanser, the powdery stuff, you know, on the floor and was sufficiently grinding it into the surface of \u2013 you know, it's a good thing our wood floors have been well-worn for a number of years, because we raised our six on them, but it was a mess.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0You know, the tendency is, is to go, \"Man, look at what you've done, blah-blah-blah,\" you know, and kind of blow a gasket, but it didn't happen.\u00a0 It was, like, it's just an 18-month-old.\u00a0 Just clean it up.\u00a0 And I agree with Darcy, keep the house rules to as few as possible and operate with a lot of grace.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTim:\u00a0Yes, I think of two things \u2013 make your home safe for the kids, and then make it fun.\u00a0 Because sometimes we have things that \u2013 well, a three-year-old is going to get ahold of it, and it's an heirloom to us, and for them it's just a projectile, and they're going to break it.\u00a0 Well, for the sake of my grandkids, I'm just going to maybe box those things away for the duration of time that they are going to be young and in my home.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0You see, sometimes they come to live with you, and they're not going home in two or three days.\u00a0 They come to stay.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Yeah, let's talk about that for a second.\u00a0 What advice would you have for parents who now find themselves, for all practical purposes, raising a grandson or a granddaughter as if the child were their own?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTim:\u00a0Well, the fact is, there are right now millions \u2013 we're talking with an \"M\" \u2013 millions \u2013 plural \u2013 of grandparents raising their grandkids.\u00a0 Here's what's interesting, though.\u00a0 They've done studies, and they found the most effective parenting being done today is by grandparents.\u00a0 They're doing the best job ever and, of course, part of it's, like, well, it's logical.\u00a0 It's like a mulligan in golf, you know, a do-over.\u00a0 You knock the first one in the lake and the other one in the woods, and finally you get to be a grandparent \u2013 \"I think I know how to knock this one down the middle.\"\u00a0 Keeping between the lines, and so a lot of it is just logical.\u00a0 But there is very effective parenting going.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut here is the thing that you want to do \u2013 you want to allow them to make it their home.\u00a0 It's not that they're just visiting your home temporarily, but don't mess any of my stuff up.\u00a0 You might let them redecorate their own bedroom, like a teenager's home, or a little kid with Barbies or something like that, so that they can feel like \"I belong here.\"\u00a0 The worst thing you can do for them is make them feel like they're just a visitor here indefinitely, because that affects their level of security and their sense of significance.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo grandparents can play a big role, if we say \"Look, I hold everything I have in an open palm.\u00a0 It all belongs to you, Lord, and if you want me to rearrange this on behalf of these children who are eternal, and they have a life ahead of them, so be it.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0You know, you speak of grandchildren coming to live with us \u2013 one of the reasons why they come to live with us is perhaps there has been a separation or even a divorce that may be occurring in our adult children's lives.\u00a0 You all believe it's important not just to make your home a safe place, but you believe, Darcy, that how grandparents relate to the grandchildren, if a divorce has occurred or is in the process of occurring, is very important.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDarcy:\u00a0It is true, and we talk about how it's so important to preserve and protect that supportive relationship with your grandchild, because that is one of the opportunities that grandparents have to make such a difference in that grandchild's life.\u00a0 You have to assure them that it might look as if their immediate world is falling apart, but in the big picture of things, they're going to be all right, and you are part of that stability that you can offer to them that \u2013 \"We're going to get through this, we're going to get through this together.\"\u00a0 That's where a savvy grandparent can come alongside a child and let them express their emotions and listen and be there with self assurance and let them say things to the grandparent that they can't say to their parents right now \u2013 things about how it's hurting them; how it's making them feel afraid.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTim:\u00a0A lot of times grandkids act out their frustration with their own parents when their parents are going through a divorce, and this is where we can show much more patience and understanding, because we can see, from our position, why they are like that.\u00a0 And so we don't want to put them down and beat them up because of the problems that are going on inside.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0But the whole issue of interfering and intervening come into play, and there is a balance there.\u00a0 For instance, you don't like the way your kids are disciplining the grandchildren, maybe they're not disciplining them at all, and you come in there with all the guns blazing and tell them what misfits they are and how they're raising these juvenile delinquents, and these kids are going to be nightmares when they're teenagers.\u00a0 Well, I don't care how well-intended you are, no parent wants to hear that from their parents.\u00a0 And so you basically shut down your opportunity to make a difference.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0You may have to watch your kids make mistakes with your grandkids.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Oh, you will watch them make mistakes, and I think a real law here for grandparents that they need to embrace is that you know what?\u00a0 You need to keep your mouth shut.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTim:\u00a0Exactly.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0We just need to button it, not provide any advice or counsel unless \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTim:\u00a0Unless they ask.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0They ask, and at that point, I think it's fair game to provide some encouragement.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Wait, wait, wait, because I hear you saying that, but what if the discipline is the other way around.\u00a0 What if you're concerned that your children are being too severe?\u00a0 What if you're concerned there may be an abusive situation.\u00a0 You don't just button it then, do you?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTim:\u00a0Well, abuse is a different category, but keep in mind that we don't make abuse \u2013 this word that we drop in anytime we see something we don't like.\u00a0 A lot of people overuse that thing, but we've got to see something that really puts the kids in peril.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Here is a good rule of thumb or a good principle to go by, and that is never sacrifice the permanent on the altar of the immediate.\u00a0 When I look at my kids, and I see them making those mistakes they will make, immediately I could react to that, but I might be sacrificing the long term.\u00a0 And God is in the long term with us, and so I want to make sure that \"Is this battle worth it?\"\u00a0 To get that across, and there are some grandparents that just don't get this.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTim:\u00a0And they shut down their chances of being the kind of people that God wanted them to be, and you know what?\u00a0 Even if they were well-intended, even if they're right, if I were the parents I wouldn't want them around my kids, either.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Grandparents have to be very careful about stepping into situations where they've not been asked.\u00a0 And in a situation, Bob, like you asked about abuse \u2013 I think if I was facing that, I might go to one or both of the parents and ask for permission to make an observation or to see if they would be interested in some counsel or advice around an issue in regard to their children, and the counsel and advice may be to go see a counselor.\u00a0 It may be to go see somebody else that can provide that objective counsel that they need.\u00a0 They may not be able to hear it from you as a grandparent.\u00a0 It's that simple.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Let's talk about another area, though.\u00a0 Let's talk about children who get divorced and then get remarried but now import stepchildren into the extended family.\u00a0 What advice would you have for a grandparent about that?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDarcy:\u00a0Well, I think it's a time for a grandparent to look on this as another opportunity for ministry.\u00a0 So many grandparents think in terms of, \"Okay, now, these are my grandchildren right here, and then these are those other kids.\"\u00a0 What an immature way to approach a great opportunity.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTim:\u00a0It's painful for those stepchildren to feel like, you know, here's birthdays coming, and the blood grandchild gets this nice gift, and then their birthday comes, and they get nothing, or Christmastime, and they watch their siblings get it, and it causes a lot of friction between them, and competition.\u00a0 We have a chance to expand our influence to more kids for the Lord Jesus Christ's glory.\u00a0 And we should see those stepchildren as a stewardship that God has now handed us, and they get the same privileges and recognition as if they had been there from the beginning, and they have part of our gene code.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDarcy:\u00a0One thing we have to realize is that those step-grandchildren might want to keep a distance from us for a while.\u00a0 We can come on too strong as their step-grandparents, and so what we need to do is approach them with love, establish a relationship up to a point, and then we might need to ask permission \u2013 \"Would you like me to do this?\"\u00a0 Because they may have another set of grandparents that they're clinging to as part of that original family that they feel has been pulled away from them.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTim:\u00a0And, Darcy, dovetailing off that \u2013 this is another thing \u2013 we need to make sure that we don't undermine the other set of grandparents, whether it's in a step situation or just a normal nuclear family.\u00a0 It's real easy, let's say, if one grandparent has a little more savvy, a little more time, a little more money, to just overshadow that other set of grandparents.\u00a0 We should try and arrange activities where all the grandparents are together, and encourage them to be with them and applaud the other grandparents and mention them and just say \"What a blessing, you have Grandpa Mike or Grandma Terry in your life\" \u2013 that kind of a thing.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0And if you are being grandparents to a stepson or a stepdaughter, reduce your expectations of the relationship and of how you bond with them.\u00a0 You may never, ever experience the same bonding.\u00a0 In fact, you're likely to never experience that that you would have with your biological children.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Tim, you mentioned a subject, though, that I want you guys to comment on, and that's money and spoiling grandkids with gifts.\u00a0 You always hear the stories of grandparents who take the grandson or granddaughter to Kids R Us or Toys R Us or Pets R Us and come out with a pickup \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDarcy:\u00a0Stuff Is Us \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Yeah, and \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTim:\u00a0Yeah, Junk Is Us \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0\u2026 and come back with a pickup truck loadful of toys or pets or stuff.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Or blue pop, you know, sugary blue pop, a whole case of it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0I think that was a very spiritual decision on my part, Bob, to spoil my grandkids with blue pop.\u00a0 Anyway, back to the question, Tim.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTim:\u00a0Okay.\u00a0 The basic thing you're trying to figure out is the balance between a handout and a hand up.\u00a0 There is a need for a hand up to our kids.\u00a0 In fact, let's do this thing two ways.\u00a0 One is dealing with the grandkids, but what about our kids?\u00a0 You know, Ron Blue, I think you've had him on your show a couple of times, and Ron Blue is a very wise man, and he gave us some great advice about money.\u00a0 He says, \"Listen, your kids do not need your money when they're 65, and you're finally dead.\u00a0 They need it when they're young, and they don't have any.\u00a0 And so if you're going to come alongside and help them, that's the time you can help them.\"\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Now, obviously, you don't want to be paying their bills and making them co-dependent upon you, that would be a mistake.\u00a0 But there are things that you can do that can help them.\u00a0 For instance, maybe the grandkids need braces, braces, but they just can't afford them, and you might be able to come along and help that.\u00a0 We're sending the kids to camp.\u00a0 Those are great things that you can do but, once again, you don't just assume the right to do that.\u00a0 You talk with your kids, and you make that available, understanding if they reject, that's okay.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0What about being grandparents to special needs children?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDarcy:\u00a0That's where one of those assets that we talk about relief can come alongside.\u00a0 So many times, a special needs child puts just incredible emotional and physical drain on a set of parents.\u00a0 It can actually undermine a marriage many times, a special needs child.\u00a0 And so a grandparent would be very wise to give some relief to the parents of a special needs child.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTim:\u00a0You know, as I get older, and I think more what my purpose in life is and what I do, I like to think that I am in the hope business.\u00a0 I just want to give people hope.\u00a0 And when you have a special needs child, that can be a very hopeless environment for a lot of parents.\u00a0 And so a grandparent can come along and, once again, we talked about money.\u00a0 There might be some extra financial needs that grandparents can come along there and help with, and then, obviously, not just that shoulder to cry on, but that shoulder to kind of put behind the load and help push and give them breaks.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0You letting your kids \u2013 the grandkids come over for a weekend so your kids could get away \u2013 there are so many parents of special needs children, they'd never had a weekend away at a nice place just to kind of relax and be together.\u00a0 There's a lot we can do there.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0What you're saying is our assignment as grandparents is really, really important.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0And along the way, it's going to help if we've got some mentoring and some coaching and some who have gone before us and thought through this subject who can nudge is down the path, and that's what the two of you have done in the video curriculum we've put together, which is called \"Grandparenthood \u2013 More Than Rocking Chairs.\"\u00a0 We're hoping that churches, individuals, small groups, will begin to go through this material and that we could see cultivated an army of grandparents.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Yeah.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0That sounds \u2013 I'm getting a mental picture of that, and \u2013 coming in their RVs.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0The sun is bouncing off of their gray hair, and it's blinding.\u00a0 But Tim, Darcy, I really want to thank you guys for creating material that I think God is going to use in a mighty way to challenge a generation of grandparents who will, in turn, pass on life's lessons and their love for Christ to future generations.\u00a0 Thanks for doing that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDarcy:\u00a0You're welcome.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTim:\u00a0Our pleasure, thank you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0We've got copies of the resource we've been talking about in our FamilyLife Resource Center.\u00a0 You can to go our website, FamilyLife.com, at the bottom of the screen there will be a button that says \"Go.\"\u00a0 Click on that button, it will take you right to the page where you can get more information about what Tim and Darcy have put together.\u00a0 Again, it's great for church groups or small groups to go through together, or you can use it on your own to develop a strategy for grandparenting.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0We've got other resources available on our website that are designed to help with the same thing.\u00a0 In fact, there's a book called \"Long Distance Grandma\" that has some great suggestions for things you can do each month with your grandchildren.\u00a0 For example, in a month like December, you would mix up some hot chocolate mix, and there's a recipe for it here in the book.\u00a0 You would buy a mug for each of your grandchildren and a couple of packages of microwave popcorn, call your daughter or your son and ask about a movie that the grandkids would like but don't already have, and you buy a copy of the DVD, and you mail it off for your grandchildren and say, \"I thought we'd have a movie night together.\u00a0 Grandpa and I are going to watch the movie here and have our hot chocolate and popcorn.\u00a0 You guys watch it, and we'll talk tomorrow and see what we thought about the movie.\"\u00a0 Or you call them right after they're done.\u00a0 There are lots of great ideas like that in the book, \"Long Distance Grandma,\" and we've got it in our FamilyLife Resource Center.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Go online, FamilyLife.com, click the \"Go\" button at the bottom of the screen, and that will take you right to the page where you can get information on all of these resources.\u00a0 Or call 1-800-358-6329, and we'll see if we can get the equipment necessary so that you can be enlisted in this battalion of marching grandparents we've been talking about here.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0By the way, let me say thanks to those of you who have already called us here at FamilyLife and who have mentioned the matching gift opportunity.\u00a0 For those of you who have not heard, because of this matching gift opportunity, any donation we receive is being matched, dollar for dollar, during the month of December up to a total of $350,000.\u00a0 We are hoping to hear from as many FamilyLife Today listeners as possible so that we can start 2006 launching some new ministry initiatives in the months ahead.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0If you can help us with a donation to FamilyLife Today and want to see that donation doubled dollar for dollar, you can go online at FamilyLife.com or call 1-800-FLTODAY.\u00a0 Your donations are tax deductible, and we appreciate your ongoing financial support of this ministry.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Well, tomorrow we want to talk about the big movie event of the year.\u00a0 We're going to talk about \"The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe\" on tomorrow's program.\u00a0 I hope you can be back with us for that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0I want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team.\u00a0 On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 We'll see you next time for another edition of FamilyLife Today. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0FamilyLife Today is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas, a ministry of Campus Crusade for Christ. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t________________________________________________________________\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you.\u00a0 However, there is a cost to transcribe, create, and produce them for our website.\u00a0 If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would\u00a0\u00a0 you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/site\/c.dnJHKLNnFoG\/b.3782043\/k.384D\/Support_Us.htm\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright \u00a9 FamilyLife.\u00a0 All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/www.FamilyLife.com\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 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