{"id":300827,"date":"2005-02-15T12:00:00","date_gmt":"2005-02-15T17:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/building-safety-in-your-relationships\/"},"modified":"2024-10-07T22:41:59","modified_gmt":"2024-10-08T02:41:59","slug":"building-safety-in-your-relationships","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/building-safety-in-your-relationships\/","title":{"rendered":"Building Safety in Your Relationships"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Dr. Gary Smalley explains that &#8220;life is about relationships, the rest is just details.&#8221;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2005-02-15.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:","filesize":"11.41M","filesize_raw":"11964816","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2822],"tags":[4388],"podcast_series":[7356],"cwp_profile":[8938],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-300827","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-growing-in-your-faith","tag-relationships","podcast_series-the-dna-of-relationships","cwp_profile-gary-smalley","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/300827\/building-safety-in-your-relationships","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/300827\/building-safety-in-your-relationships","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"ik1j6KtRav\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/building-safety-in-your-relationships\/\">Building Safety in Your Relationships<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/building-safety-in-your-relationships\/embed\/#?secret=ik1j6KtRav\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Building Safety in Your Relationships&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"ik1j6KtRav\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":["https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg",508,508,false]},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"kfairris@familylife.com","author_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/author\/kfairrisfamilylife-com\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"Dr. Gary Smalley explains that \"life is about relationships, the rest is just details.\"","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2005-02-15.pdf","transcript_content":"<p>\n\t\t\t\tGary:\u00a0If I put my hands in front of me in a circle form and lock my fingers together, that forms a circle \u2013 so people can visualize this \u2013 your hands out in front of you, and you have a circle \u2013 I can only change the person inside that circle.\u00a0 I'm only responsible for that person.\u00a0 I can't change anybody else.\u00a0 I can influence them, but I can't change them.\u00a0 I can only change me.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0This is FamilyLife Today for Tuesday, February 15th.\u00a0 Our host is the president of FamilyLife, Dennis Rainey, and I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 Dr. Gary Smalley joins us today to put relationships under the microscope so we can look at the DNA.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And welcome to FamilyLife Today, thanks for joining us.\u00a0 Most of our regular listeners know that you grew up in \u2013 how do you say it \u2013 southwestern Missouri?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Southwest.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Southwest Missouri, all right, in the little town of Ozark, Missouri.\u00a0 Is there something about the water in that part of the state or something that it just \u2013 it helps cultivate relationship expertise, you know?\u00a0 Because I'm thinking \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0I think there is.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Our guest on the program today is headquartered in that same area, in Branson, Missouri; both of you are marriage and relationship experts.\u00a0 Do you think it's the water?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Well, I'm going to find out if Gary Smalley has ever \u2013 if he has ever been to the water of life.\u00a0 Have you ever been to Ponce de Leon, Missouri?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGary:\u00a0Pontidelli?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0No, no, listen carefully \u2013 Ponce de Leon, Missouri \u2013 like the Spanish explorer.\u00a0 Have you ever been to Ponce de Leon, Missouri?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGary:\u00a0That must be Ozark.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0No, no, no.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Is there actually a town called Ponce de Leon, Missouri?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0It is, and it goes by the name Poncey for short, and my mom grew up about two miles from Poncey.\u00a0 Now, Ponce de Leon, Missouri, is a town \u2013 at least when my mom was there, of about 50 people.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Are you sure it's still in existence today?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0You know, I took my mom, before her death, down there, and I'm not sure how many people really live there.\u00a0 It looks like a ghost town, frankly, but south of town, there is, coming out of a hillside, a rusty old pipe that shoots out of some layered rock that has the coldest, freshest, most delicious water you have ever put to some parched lips.\u00a0 And I don't know who discovered Ponce de Leon, but they attributed the spring water coming out of that cliff to water that would extend your life, which is what Ponce de Leon was looking for when he came to America.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0He was looking for the eternal springs.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGary:\u00a0And it gives you a passion to minister to families and marriages.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0I guess that's what it is.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0And I was just trying to find out if Gary Smalley had ever had a drink from that spring, and if he had, then I would have said, \"Bob, you're right.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0It is the water.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0It completely blows the illustration \u2013 he's never heard of it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGary:\u00a0If it trickles down into Branson, though.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0That must be what it is.\u00a0 It gets into the Taneycomo River, or whatever, and finds its way to him.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Well, you undoubtedly know of our guest today on FamilyLife Today \u2013 Gary Smalley.\u00a0 He has written 16 bestselling books \u2013 well \u2013 over 5 million of them have been in print.\u00a0 I think I have a couple of million in my library of Gary's books.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGary:\u00a0No wonder I sold that many.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0He and his wife Norma have been married for more than 40 years.\u00a0 They have three children and eight grandchildren.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGary:\u00a0Exactly.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0No more news on the grandchildren front?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGary:\u00a0No, a couple of them are threatening to adopt but no more natural birth children anymore.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Well, good for them on adopting.\u00a0 Gary has written a book called \"The DNA of Relationships,\" and introducing Gary I thought of a verse that I think is descriptive of what you've tried to do with your life, Gary, and you just see if you think I'm right here \u2013 Jesus was asked what was the greatest commandment in the law?\u00a0 And He said, \"You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.\u00a0 This is the great and foremost commandment.\"\u00a0 And a second is like it \u2013 \"You shall love your neighbor as yourself.\u00a0 On these two commandments depend the whole law and the prophets.\" \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Now, what Jesus was saying is that life is all about relationship, and that really is the theme of your ministry for more than 30 years?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGary:\u00a0Forty.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Forty years?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGary:\u00a0Sure.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0This book, \"The DNA of Relationships,\" is all about calling us back to that \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGary:\u00a0To the foundation of healthy, satisfying, safe relationships and the thrilling thing is my son, Greg, and his partner, Dr. Bob Paul, actually mentored me over the last three years and taught me\u00a0 how to live this stuff, because I couldn't put it in a book until I was living it, and I told them that.\u00a0 But I said, \"I want to write a book if it really does change my life.\"\u00a0 And it so changed my life that I said, \"Yes, let's do it.\"\u00a0 And together we put it together and it's out today.\u00a0 It took us three years.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0You've written on relationships, spoken on relationships throughout your ministry.\u00a0 You'd almost think there is nothing new that Gary Smalley could learn about relationships.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGary:\u00a0That's what I thought.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0What was new here?\u00a0 What was revolutionary?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGary:\u00a0It was totally new to me, because I did honor and forgiveness and very vital things that you have to do, and personality stuff, and all that interrelates \u2013 but this is how to take a couple that's in major crisis and turn them around in four days \u2013 this is what they do in their ministry \u2013 and then I realized, as I started learning it, it applies to kids, junior high or high schoolers, college, all ages of adults, single or married, and so I realized, \"Wait a minute.\"\u00a0 My real calling is to relationships, generally, because when I was commissioned as a young pastor by a church in Waco, Texas, they laid hands on me and said, \"Go into the world and teach people to love God, to love others like they love themselves.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut I got sort of into the groove of marriage and family, but I was always called to the broader \u2013 whereas my son, Greg, is called very specifically just to marriages.\u00a0 He doesn't want to deal with family things or friendship or anything else \u2013 he feels so called by God to be just marriage.\u00a0 Well, his research for seven years has been all about marriage, but the stuff applies to all of us, and it's literally changed my life in so many significant ways that that's why I'm \u2013 I have a whole new message because, basically, I had given up and was handing over stuff to my kids, you know, and I was settling down to look for ways of how I could go be an interim pastor or a missionary over here, you know, just to help and \u2013 no.\u00a0 It exploded inside of me.\u00a0 Of course, God got my attention with a heart attack and other things.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0I want to talk about that for a second, because you've had a heart attack in the past couple of years.\u00a0 You've had a kidney transplant.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGary:\u00a0Exactly \u2013 by Michael, my son.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Yes, you've had a couple of close encounters with death.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGary:\u00a0Absolutely.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0As you have been in a hospital room and had plenty of time to think about all this, what went through your mind during those times, looking at the ceiling and thinking about your mortality?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGary:\u00a0I really think that when I had the \u2013 I was turkey hunting when I had my heart attack, and I literally was lying on my back, my head against the backpack of my friend guide, and I just had an overwhelming sense of peace, and I relaxed and said, \"God, I'll see you in a couple of minutes.\u00a0 Thanks for my life, thanks for my family,\" I thought of my family, and I just relaxed, and I was dying.\u00a0 I knew I was dead, because I couldn't get out of the woods.\u00a0 I was too far away, out of cell phone range.\u00a0 There was no way I was going to be saved, I knew that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Did you send any messages to Norma or your kids through the guide who was there with you?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGary:\u00a0No, because he took off instantly to get the truck.\u00a0 So by the time I was \u2013 I couldn't walk, so by the time I was down on my back, and he took off \u2013 he gave me a duck call and said use it if you're worse.\u00a0 You can't get much worse.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0How much worse can dying get, huh?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGary:\u00a0Exactly, and there was 100-percent blockage, and there had to be for an hour, hour-and-a-half, and I don't know how you can live through that.\u00a0 It doesn't make sense.\u00a0 And he said \u2013 the cardiologist said I don't have any heart damage, but they think that's probably what killed my kidneys, because when you go without blood there for a while, I guess that really has a detrimental effect on it, I guess, whatever.\u00a0 But my stress level was massive at that time, and I didn't really recognize it.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Anyway, so I just relaxed, and I wasn't thinking about ministry, I was thinking about being in His arms in moments.\u00a0 So I now know how I'm going to feel when it actually does happen.\u00a0 So I thought, you know, I'd panic, you know, or something, you know, and so on.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0You look back on that later, and that's where this idea that life really is about relationships crystallized, because in what you thought were the final minutes of your life, everything else fades away, and all you're thinking about are the people in your life.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGary:\u00a0Well, I was thinking about God, I was thinking about the people, and so that's the greatest commandment.\u00a0 So I ended my life with that same calling that I was given years ago.\u00a0 I remember in college when I read that verse that you just read \u2013 \"Loving God, loving others as you love yourself\" \u2013 I said, \"Well, that seems pretty simple.\u00a0 Why get all complicated?\u00a0 Let's just do that.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0You know, if you just think about the simplicity of Christ's command \u2013 He commanded us to love God.\u00a0 If you miss God, you've missed life.\u00a0 You've missed how to live it.\u00a0 You've missed your purpose.\u00a0 If you've missed Him, you can't begin to become who He created you to be.\u00a0 But, secondly, what you're all about, too, Gary, is if you miss people in your pursuit of accomplishments, a career \u2013 if you miss people in the process of achieving the goals of life, you've missed that meaningful interaction of being connected to other people.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGary:\u00a0Right, and I think the modern-day neuroscience research shows \u2013 in fact, I was just reading it again this morning \u2013 shows that we're designed in our brain to connect with people in love, in an emotional connection with love, but they're also saying now that if kids don't connect with God and spiritually, it affects their very cellular makeup of their brain and causes thoughts of suicide and depression and a bunch of other things.\u00a0 No wonder God designed \u2013 I think He's designed us in our brain to know Him, to love Him, to love others as we love ourselves.\u00a0 I think the more we learn about this in science, we're going to see this is true.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0And yet we don't know how to love.\u00a0 We need training in how to love.\u00a0 That's what the Bible is about, that's why God gave us the Holy Spirit, and a lot of couples are in crisis today because they don't know how to love.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGary:\u00a0Yes.\u00a0 Thousands of kids, every day, hear Mommy and Daddy in America say, \"We're going to split.\"\u00a0 I think probably one of the most gripping stories I've heard is that my son, Greg \u2013 one of the things that motivated him to get into this kind of ministry, anyway \u2013 he was sitting watching a television football game one Saturday morning, and his daughter, Taylor, had the next-door neighbor girl \u2013 same age \u2013 over playing.\u00a0 And they were upstairs, and he heard them arguing, fighting.\u00a0 He was watching the game, so he didn't really want to get distracted, and so when he heard them arguing, he thought, \"Well, they'll work it, I'm sure.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0So they came roaring downstairs and stood in front of him, and his daughter said, \"Daddy, Cheryl says that you and Mommy are going to get a divorce, and I said that you're not,\" because Cheryl's Mommy and Daddy just got a divorce recently, and she was one of four kids in the home, and Daddy said, \"Well, Cheryl, I hate to tell you this, but Taylor's Mommy and Daddy are not going to get a divorce.\u00a0 We made a commitment for life, and we know that we can work this out with the power that God put inside of us, and so that's not going to happen, and I'm really sorry about that.\"\u00a0 And so he talked to them for a few more minutes, and Taylor actually looked at him and went uuunnnhhh, and stuck her tongue out, and then she ran upstairs.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And so but the girl stayed there, this little girl, and she just stood and watched him for a while, and he was watching this football game, and so he felt like muting it.\u00a0 He muted it, you know, and said, \"Cheryl, is there anything I can do for you?\"\u00a0 And she said, \"Would you mind if I just sit with you for a little while and watch the game?\"\u00a0 He said, \"Sure.\"\u00a0 So she actually jumped up on his lap and just snuggled into him, you know, and sat there for about 30 minutes.\u00a0 And, of course, he said, \"I felt really uncomfortable, because here's this next-door neighbor kid, you know, on my lap, and I'm thinking, you know, I'm a psychologist, should I be doing this?\"\u00a0 And so eventually he said, \"Why don't you go up and play with Taylor?\"\u00a0 And so she says, \"Okay.\"\u00a0 So she gets off and starts running upstairs, and then she turns around, and she looks at him.\u00a0 She said, \"Do you think it would be okay if every once in a while I just came over and sat next to you and played like you were my daddy?\"\u00a0 And he said, \"My heart just crumbled,\" and he said, \"Ever since then I have such a passion for couples to stay together and stay in love.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And so, of course, I share that same passion, and that's what this book, \"The DNA Relationships\" is about \u2013 helping couples in crisis be able to work some things out right now, and those who go through his program have like a 72-percent average increase in marital satisfaction \u2013 not only do they stay together, the majority, over 90 percent stay together, but they have a great increase.\u00a0 And I understand now why, because it's changed my life so much \u2013 and my wife's.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Gary, if the Bible calls us to relationships, and if Jesus says that loving your neighbor is like the greatest commandment, and if it's the desire of our heart to be united to one another in relationships, why is it so hard, and what is it that you've learned here that is revolutionary?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGary:\u00a0One of the first things that revolutionized me immediately was that just as these neuroscientists are discovering today, like Alan Schore of UCLA, is that we are designed for connecting with people emotionally and physically in relationships, but we only connect to people in a meaningful satisfying way if we feel safe.\u00a0 And I'd never heard of that before.\u00a0 All my years of teaching this stuff, but this came out of their own research and their own observation of these couples that they were helping.\u00a0 So that what they do with these couples is they help them, each one of them, create safety for their mate so that their mate can naturally connect with them.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0What they have found is that if the person feels like they're not going to be judged, they're not going to be criticized, they're not going to be blamed, that they are not going to be shamed, that they're not going to have a sudden reaction and withdraw from them, but they're going to listen, and they're going to be loving and honoring and accept them for who they are and care for them just as a great friend.\u00a0 You know, when you have a great friend, they can goof up and everything else in their life, and you don't just reject them, you know, you understand them and so on. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0So now I realized that there's five things in Chapter 5, actually, that you can do that create safety for someone else.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0For example, what are some of the things?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGary:\u00a0Like, for example, if I really value someone, I honor them, and I say, \"I accept you for who you are, where you are in your growth.\u00a0 I don't judge you.\u00a0 You are who you are.\"\u00a0 If I put my hands in front of me in a circle form and lock my fingers together, that forms a circle \u2013 so people can visualize this \u2013 your hands out in front of you, and you have a circle \u2013 I can only change the person inside that circle.\u00a0 I'm only responsible for that person.\u00a0 I can't change anybody else.\u00a0 I can influence them, but I can't change them.\u00a0 I can only change me.\u00a0 So that I want to accept another person for who they are, where they are, their own goof-ups, whatever they've done \u2013 sins \u2013 I don't get to judge them.\u00a0 I get to judge me with my relationship with Christ, but I don't them. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0So I spent a great deal of my life, unfortunately, pointing my finger even, at times, at my wife saying, \"If you would just shape up this area of your life, you know, I could be a lot happier around this home.\"\u00a0 And it's just such a natural thing \u2013 if you think they're the cause then we think, obviously, they're the solution.\u00a0 And I did that.\u00a0 But, boy, as I pulled back from that, and I don't do that anymore, you can just see my wife feeling freer and freer and freer to open up with me, share things with me.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0You know, I'm sometimes the relationship type of person, and I'm thought of that, but, boy, behind closed doors, there are times where I would get on her case, and we could get into an escalated argument pretty easily.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0It sounds like you're talking about what the Bible calls a \"critical spirit.\"\u00a0 Have you had a critical spirit?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGary:\u00a0I have at times, because I used to think, like, the average person that shows up at the marriage intensives, that the problem is really more my wife than me.\u00a0 I'm the mature one.\u00a0 If you just get your life together \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Yes, just instruct them and help them get their act together \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGary:\u00a0Absolutely, because they have problems, and I don't see the log in my eye.\u00a0 Now I'm really aware of my own log, and I can see her toothpick, but I'm not going to worry about her toothpick until I get the log out.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Gary, you said earlier that you'd never heard of the importance of safety in a relationship. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGary:\u00a0Right \u2013 the way they explained it, yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Yes, I was going to take issue with you, because I'll bet you have heard in 1 John, Chapter 4, where it says, \"Beloved, perfect love casts out all fear.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGary:\u00a0Yes, okay.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0That's the picture, the ultimate picture, of safety that we want to create in a marriage relationship, and I'll add my own.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGary:\u00a0I love the way you're saying that, because that's the verse I've been using lately, but not that angle.\u00a0 Hey, excellent, I'm shaking my head.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0See it in the water in southwest Missouri.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0He's had a drink from Ponce de Leon, Missouri, I'm telling you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGary:\u00a0What you just said, that's perfect, because I've been using it the other way.\u00a0 I've been saying that as the more mature I get, the less fear I'm going to have, because mature love casts out all fear.\u00a0 So I've been looking at it from me, but if I create safety, and I really have love for that person, they're going to feel less fear being in my presence.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0I'm telling you, that's how it happens.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGary:\u00a0That's the circle.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0That's how it happened in my marriage, because just, as you said, you didn't do things right with Norma \u2013 I didn't understand the importance of safety for my wife.\u00a0 I was not creating a safe relationship where she could be who she needed to be, who she wanted to be, and \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0That verse is engraved on the inside of both of your wedding bands?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Just Barbara's.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0And was it engraved at the time you got married?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Yes, but it took 20 years \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0For it to sink in?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0For it to get engraved on my heart \u2013 seriously.\u00a0 But, you know, the reality is, it's okay to have a few things to learn about loving another person.\u00a0 I think what Gary has kind of given us here today, Bob, is freedom to go to school with God and how to love Him, and then how to be a vessel of His love so that you can cast out fear and create a sense of safety with your spouse in a relationship.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0And when that happens, when there is safety in a relationship, it flourishes like never before.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGary:\u00a0Well, the fascinating thing is that intimacy happens naturally, because we have it in us to want this relationship, and so people start to open up, and as they open up, then the intimacy just occurs, and that's what this Chapter 5 is all about, and so when these couples hear, during that four-day intensive, that the reason you guys are so stuck is you both feel so unsafe with each other, and that's not going to ever happen until that happens.\u00a0 So that's a great \u2013 there's another value of those that are related to Christ as we meet together, you showed me the entire other side of that verse, which I'll start using.\u00a0 Can I quote you on that?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Quote John \u2013 I didn't say anything original in that.\u00a0 You know, I think what I want to encourage listeners to do, though, is get a copy of Gary's book, because what he's talking about here is unlearning some bad habits, all right?\u00a0 Because what happens when we do not create safety is we kind of spiral downward with our spouse.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGary:\u00a0They put armor on and build walls.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Dennis:\u00a0And we're experts at armor-bearing, sword-drawing, and wall-building.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGary:\u00a0And finger-pointing, it's your fault, yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0I've noticed the way you do that.\u00a0 You really are \u2013 you're an expert on that.\u00a0 But what we need is we need ways of knowing how to take the armor off, how to put our sword back in the sheath, and how to tear down the walls so that we can create a safe relationship and, Bob, a book like Gary's, \"The DNA of Relationships,\" can coach us on how to do that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0As we're talking about it, I'm thinking about a couple I know who would benefit from reading this book \u2013 a couple where this whole issue of safety in the relationship has been threatened and has been lost, and then I'm thinking, \"Well, maybe I ought to read through it before I send it on to my friends.\u00a0 We've got copies of the book available in our FamilyLife Resource Center, and if any of our listeners would like to get a copy, they can contact us.\u00a0 In fact, what we're encouraging them to do, Dennis, is actually get a copy of Gary's book and your book, \"Rekindling the Romance.\"\u00a0 I think it's a great one-two punch, and we will include, if they order both books, we'll include at no additional cost, either the cassette or the CD of our conversation on this subject with Dr. Gary Smalley.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0So go to our website at FamilyLife.com and click the \"Go\" button that's at the bottom of the screen.\u00a0 That will take you right to the page where you can order today's resources, and you can review them, see if there's any additional information you need and take advantage of the opportunity to get the cassette or the CD at no additional cost when you order both of these books.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And, speaking of helpful things, we want to say a special word of thanks to the folks who help partner with us in ministry.\u00a0 This daily radio program \u2013 you're listening to it because of a partnership that exists with this radio station, with some of our listeners who help support this ministry, and with the team here at FamilyLife that works to create the program.\u00a0 That three-way partnership wouldn't work if you take one of the partners away.\u00a0 This local radio station has got to be in place; our team here has got to be hard at work creating these programs; and then the listeners who help with the financial support for this ministry \u2013 you're just as valuable as the other two partners in this process.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0I want to talk for just a minute to those of you who have listened for a while.\u00a0 Maybe you've benefited from the ministry of FamilyLife Today, but we've never heard from you.\u00a0 We want to invite you to write to us, send an e-mail, let us know the call letters of the station where you hear FamilyLife Today, and when you do get in touch with us, if you can help with a contribution, a donation for the work of the ministry, we would appreciate it.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0You can donate online at FamilyLife.com or you can call 1-800-FLTODAY to make a donation.\u00a0 Again, our website is FamilyLife.com, and you can send us an e-mail from there, or call us at 1-800-F-as-in-family, L-as-in-life, and then the word TODAY.\u00a0 Let us know that you're listening, and, again, if you can make a donation, someone on our team can help you with the details of that over the phone.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Well, we're going to continue tomorrow to examine relationships \u2013 what causes them to flourish and what causes them to wither with Dr. Gary Smalley as our guest.\u00a0 I hope you can be back with us for that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0I want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team.\u00a0 On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 We'll see you back tomorrow for another edition of FamilyLife Today. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0FamilyLife Today is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas, a ministry of Campus Crusade for Christ. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t_______________________________________________________________\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you.\u00a0 However, there is a cost to transcribe, create, and produce them for our website.\u00a0 If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would\u00a0\u00a0 you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/site\/c.dnJHKLNnFoG\/b.3782043\/k.384D\/Support_Us.htm\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright \u00a9 FamilyLife.\u00a0 All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/www.FamilyLife.com\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>","theme_header_position":"","post_header_is_sticky":"","is_header_overlay":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast\/300827","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/podcast"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/91"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=300827"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/294104"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=300827"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=300827"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=300827"},{"taxonomy":"podcast_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast_series?post=300827"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=300827"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=300827"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}