{"id":300715,"date":"2004-08-25T11:00:00","date_gmt":"2004-08-25T15:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/leaving-part-1\/"},"modified":"2024-10-07T22:41:52","modified_gmt":"2024-10-08T02:41:52","slug":"leaving-part-1","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/leaving-part-1\/","title":{"rendered":"Leaving, Part 1"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>The first step in moving toward your mate emotionally and physically is walking away from your parents. Today, Dennis Rainey tells how leaving your family of origin may be the best thing you can do in order to bond to your mate.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Dennis Rainey tells how leaving your family of origin may be the best thing you can do in order to bond to your mate.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2004-08-25.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:","filesize":"17.87M","filesize_raw":"18733739","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2805],"tags":[4186,4770],"podcast_series":[7326],"cwp_profile":[3048],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-300715","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-gods-plan-for-marriage","tag-getting-married","tag-leave-and-cleave","podcast_series-becoming-one-gods-blueprints-for-marriage","cwp_profile-dennis-rainey","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/300715\/leaving-part-1","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/300715\/leaving-part-1","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"OtpRpY1qFT\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/leaving-part-1\/\">Leaving, Part 1<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/leaving-part-1\/embed\/#?secret=OtpRpY1qFT\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Leaving, Part 1&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"OtpRpY1qFT\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":["https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg",508,508,false]},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"kfairris@familylife.com","author_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/author\/kfairrisfamilylife-com\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"Dennis Rainey tells how leaving your family of origin may be the best thing you can do in order to bond to your mate.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2004-08-25.pdf","transcript_content":"<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0We're here at First Church for the play-by-play of the Walker-Edwards wedding.\u00a0 The crowd is prepared for the action about to take place.\u00a0 So far, no one has appeared in the church \u2013 no, wait, just a second \u2013 here comes the groom, along with his groomsmen, and the minister.\u00a0 They've taken their place to the right of the altar \u2013 that's going from our vantage point \u2013 left to right.\u00a0 And we're waiting now for the bride to appear.\u00a0 Here she comes.\u00a0 She takes her first step down the aisle.\u00a0 She is on the arm of her father.\u00a0 They're coming up the aisle, the approach is looking very good, they've reached the altar now, and the minister has asked the question \u2013 \"Who gives this woman to be married?\"\u00a0 The father has spoken up \u2013 he says, \"Her mother and I do,\" and he takes his daughter's hand and places it on the arm of her groom to be.\u00a0 It looks like we're going to have a successful wedding.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Welcome to FamilyLife Today.\u00a0 Thanks for joining us on the Wednesday edition.\u00a0 How did I do on that?\u00a0 Did you like that?\u00a0 Did I do okay?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Have you ever thought about being a golf announcer?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Our host is Dennis Rainey.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0I wonder why they don't televise that.\u00a0 Think about it \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0\u2026 play-by-play for a wedding.\u00a0 Well, the picture you have at that moment of the wedding is one that brings tears to a lot of mothers' eyes, whether it is the mother's daughter who is being given away or whether it's mothers in the audience watching someone else's daughter be given away.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0It is.\u00a0 It is a powerful moment when that dad comes down the aisle with the bride and then makes the handoff, as you just said there, as the ceremony starts.\u00a0 And it's not without purpose that we begin this broadcast on such a solemn note, because what we've been talking about in this series is really God's plan for the marriage relationship.\u00a0 Back in Genesis, chapter 2, verse 24 and 25, it says, \"For this cause, a man shall leave his father and his mother and shall cleave to his wife, and they shall become one flesh, and the man and his wife were both naked, and they were not ashamed.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Well, what we're talking about today is the leaving.\u00a0 We've talked about on previous broadcasts the cause of a man and a woman coming together and how that is worth leaving, worth cleaving, worth becoming one flesh for, and today we want to look at the whole aspect of how you leave father and mother to establish this new union.\u00a0 And, Bob, at the outset I want to say there is a lot of emotionally deep water around this subject of leaving your father and mother to establish a new marriage relationship.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0I was reading recently in Dr. Dan Allender's book, \"Intimate Allies,\" and he made the statement that, in his experience, he could trace 90 percent of marital discord back to a failure to leave.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0And most couples don't think they have failed to leave, and yet if they could see what is trailing behind them as they walk out the church and down the steps, they would see the apron strings still tied to a man and a woman by their parents; by people who love them, who care about them, but who simply don't know how to let them leave.\u00a0 And it's interesting.\u00a0 It's awkward, because there is a new union formed there, a new relationship that is an entity, and it's supposed to be.\u00a0 It's supposed to be a couple who are one, who are in the process of forging a marriage relationship.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI was reading in Tim Kimmel's book, \"Powerful Personalities,\" just about some different personality types and how different people try to control others through their \u2013 well, their aggressive behavior or passive behavior; how we manipulate each other.\u00a0 And a young couple that is really not prepared properly to establish this new marriage relationship \u2013 if they're not careful, they will be controlled by either his parents or her parents or find themselves in between two sets of parents and trying to establish this new relationship.\u00a0 The word \"leave\" from the biblical text means to \"forsake dependence upon.\"\u00a0 It means to turn your allegiance away from your parents and toward another person, that being your spouse.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe do that in such a way that honors our parents but that sends a clear signal to our parents that this is a new relationship that must be established.\u00a0 I think sometimes, Bob, parents don't realize that this command in Genesis, chapter 2, verse 24 is as much a command to the parents as it is to the couple who is getting married, and it's the wise parents that can understand the dynamics that a young couple is under as they try to forge the identity of a new marriage in the midst of two competing families.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Yeah, and it's one thing for parents to understand what they're supposed to do, it's another thing for parents to process that emotionally and make that switch.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Man, and I'll tell you, Bob, I've got a daughter who is 22 right now, and you're talking to the choir now.\u00a0 I mean, this says easy but it does hard.\u00a0 It's hard to turn your back on the emotional giving and sharing and development you've poured into this daughter or this son's life and to let them leave; to encourage them to leave.\u00a0 It doesn't mean you lose the relationship, though, it really doesn't.\u00a0 It means, in essence, you get one back that's different; it has some different parameters.\u00a0 And the point now being that you don't control them and, in essence, if you've released them properly, you shouldn't be controlling them as a young adult, anyway.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0There are a lot of single people who listen to our broadcast daily who know that there really is a lot of deep water around this issue of them being released by their parents, although they may not be getting married right now, they may feel like every time they go back home, they are treated like they're a teenager.\u00a0 Their parents are relating to them just like they did when they were in high school; that their parents have not allowed them to leave childhood and cleave to adulthood as a single person.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0A lot of parents need to realize you need to let your son or daughter grow up.\u00a0 Let them become a mature adult and relate to them more as a peer and less as a child who is always making childish choices and also not like a teenager, who is making foolish choices.\u00a0 But some of our parents simply can't get beyond that because, frankly, in some situations, Bob, we represent the only real living relationship that our parents have.\u00a0 They don't have a vital marriage, they don't have good friendships, and the only real relationships they have are with their children, and they simply can't let them leave, or they won't allow them to leave.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Okay, let me take you back here for just a second, because you said that most of us would think that we have left, and we may not have really left.\u00a0 You defined leaving as \"forsaking dependence upon.\"\u00a0 Now, how can I run a test to see whether I have done the leaving that I'm supposed to have done?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Well, I think there's three areas you can run a quick test on to just see how you've done as far as leaving your father and your mother.\u00a0 The first one is emotional \u2013 have you left your parents' emotional control of your life?\u00a0 Are you still looking to them for support, for encouragement, and for their approval?\u00a0 Let me tell you two quick stories here.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0I'll never forget a woman in Dallas, Texas, who was 65 years old who said, \"You know, Dennis, when my mom comes and visits me, I am so uptight.\u00a0 My mom is in her 80s, and she makes observations about the way I keep house, about the way I'm caring for my kids, about the way I cook meals, still seeking her approval.\"\u00a0 And this woman was angry at herself for still wanting the approval of an 83- or 84-year-old mom, and here she is, she's 65.\u00a0 She's simply saying the emotional power my mom has over me is still in control of me, and she's not been able to get beyond that.\u00a0 And, in my opinion, in that woman's marriage, she is missing a good deal of what God intended between her and her husband because she has not been able to get over her need for approval from her mom.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0A second story that I would share relates to my first trip back home after Barbara and I had gotten married.\u00a0 I remember, in my immaturity again as a young man, simply sharing with my mom a mistake that Barbara had made in our marriage.\u00a0 And I forget what it was \u2013 it was a minor mistake.\u00a0 Barbara had hurt me, but I shared it with my mom, and it was as though, Bob, I had shared this grievous error, because this mother hen came running over to her son, pulled out her wing, and kind of ushered me under the flap of her wing, and it was, like, \"Come here.\"\u00a0 And although she didn't say these words verbally, what I felt was, \"I knew that she couldn't be the woman that you really needed as my son.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0\"She wouldn't take care of you the way I've\" \u2026 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0\u2026 oh, yeah, that was what she was saying and, you know, to a certain degree, obviously, that can't occur; I mean, my mom had practice.\u00a0 I mean, I was almost 25 years old, so she had 24 years practice caring for me as her son.\u00a0 But what she was doing was rushing in to care for me, and, you know, in future conversations with my mom, that mistake that Barbara made, for two or three years, would be brought up by her.\u00a0 And I learned a very valuable lesson \u2013 be very careful, as a couple, of what you share with your parents of how your spouse has disappointed you or hurt you.\u00a0 Your parents do not have near the grace to give your spouse that you have.\u00a0 And, in essence, because you are their son or their daughter, they will naturally move to protect.\u00a0 They've been trained to do that for years.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And I don't condemn my mom for her protective instincts.\u00a0 Indeed, I just recognize that they're there.\u00a0 But I realized at that point I couldn't share those disappointments with my mom.\u00a0 It would simply play to a weakness in her life, and I think set Barbara up to be a failure in my own mom's eyes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0So you're saying that in this idea of leaving emotionally, we've got to be on guard against a natural tendency our parents will have to continue to try to be our parents.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Yes, and if your parents are trying to manipulate you emotionally, what you have to do is ask your spouse to help you get beyond this.\u00a0 Build some boundaries around your lives, around the holidays, determine how long you're going to go and when you're going to go and whose house you're going to go to for that first Christmas or that second Christmas or successive Christmases.\u00a0 Use the marriage relationship that God has given you to protect one another from being manipulated or being taken advantage of or from emotionally being clobbered by parents.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0I think your spouse ought to be that person you cleave to and depend upon to really help you get free of your parents and establish your own identity as a couple.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Okay, we have to see if we have left emotionally \u2013 are there other areas?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0I think the financial area is one where parents can try to exert power or control over us.\u00a0 I remember early in our marriage, I had invested some money in a small land deal near Dallas, Texas, and this was back in the real estate growth of the '70s near Dallas-Fort Worth airport.\u00a0 It was a small amount of money for me, as a single man in ministry, but it was an investment.\u00a0 I was kind of proud of myself that I'd made the investment and you know what, Bob, it turned over and sold real quickly, and I made a nice little profit.\u00a0 So I thought, \"Hey, I think I'll put the profits in another investment.\" \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0So after we had gotten married, Barbara and I together decided we would invest in this second investment.\u00a0 And just as the first investment, Bob, had been really good, this investment was \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0\u2026 equally bad.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Equally bad \u2013 and we lost it all.\u00a0 At the point when the bill came due, because of the nature of the investment, I had a choice of either making the investment and continuing on, putting good money after bad, or I could totally walk away from my equity and \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0\u2026 cut your losses \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0\u2026 cut my losses and be gone and, really, I fulfilled my obligations.\u00a0 At that point, the temptation was to call daddy.\u00a0 Now, I use the word \"daddy\" there specifically because it wasn't calling \"Dad.\"\u00a0 It would be calling \"Daddy.\"\u00a0 And, for me, as a young man, this situation became an opportunity for me to squarely face my obligations as a young man with a wife.\u00a0 And I had to realize that I had to let my yes be yes and my no, no.\u00a0 And if I'd made a dumb choice and a bad investment that, within reason, I needed to ride that on out and bear the loss that came with that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0In a very unusual way, Bob, I feel like that choice of me describing to stick with my bad investment and to take my losses and not run home to my dad to bail us out as a couple was a very important step in becoming financially independent and becoming responsible, as a man, to provide for my wife and be responsible for my own financial decisions.\u00a0 Now, I'm not saying it would be wrong to ask parents to help you out in a situation.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt turned out, later on, that my dad ended up giving us some money to help us with a down payment on our first home.\u00a0 But, you know, that felt different, getting that down payment, had I gone home to dad and asked him to bail us out of a difficult situation.\u00a0 And I think what happens today with many young couples is they're trying to live on a higher level than they ought to be living, and they're going home to mom or dad to bail them out of that situation, and it's creating a dependence upon parents, because where money goes, there can be \u2013 not every time \u2013 but there can be control; there can be manipulation; there can be a payback. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt's interesting that when my dad did help us with the house, later on, I felt absolutely no control by him or by my mom, even though they did help us establish that first home.\u00a0 And I think here is the wisdom for the parents who are listening \u2013 if you do help your kids financially, make sure you're doing it in such a way that it doesn't exert control or influence, and it really divides this couple who were meant to be cleaving toward one another.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Well, how can I tell whether an offer of financial help from my parents is coming with strings attached or not?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0That's a great question.\u00a0 I would look at the track record of the parents.\u00a0 Do they have a track record of using other things in your life, as a single person, to control you, manipulate you, or seek power over you?\u00a0 If they have, I'll tell you, I wouldn't accept money.\u00a0 I really wouldn't.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Now, wait \u2013 if we're looking at the down payment on a house, and you really want to be in the house \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0\u2026 I'm telling you, there is no house worth the emotional cost that you're going to have to pay.\u00a0 And there are a lot of married folks right now that just nodded their heads looking at their radios and, \"Boy, did you say that right, brother.\u00a0 I wish I'd heard that when we first got married.\"\u00a0 It really isn't worth it, Bob.\u00a0 The leaving and the cleaving needs to be away from your parents and a cleaving to your spouse.\u00a0 And if you allow money to control you, you're going to be pulled back when you need to be stepping forward towards your spouse.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Okay.\u00a0 We've talked about emotionally leaving, we've talked about financially leaving \u2013 is there another area?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Yes, decision-making, and this could include the spiritual dimension of life as well.\u00a0 Just getting advice from parents.\u00a0 Now, parents need to give advice, and I think we need to go back to them for counsel and for wisdom, but the decision needs to be yours as a couple.\u00a0 You need to share the weight of that decision together as a couple, praying together as a couple, and making your decision as a couple.\u00a0 Don't make the decision on the basis of what your parents advise you to do.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0That doesn't mean you wouldn't do what they say, necessarily.\u00a0 It just means that you can't give them power over your lives at that point.\u00a0 Illustration in point \u2013 I know a grown man today who is stuck in a dead church, and he takes his entire family there every Sunday \u2013 Sunday after Sunday, he has been going there for 15 years with his kids.\u00a0 His kids are now teenagers.\u00a0 He knows he's in a dead church.\u00a0 Just down the road there is a church that preaches the word, it's got a great youth group.\u00a0 Do you know who is really controlling this decision -- both sets of parents.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Both of those parents go to that church, and they are keeping them in this liberal, dead church, and this guy will not assume the responsibility that he has to lead his family spiritually by taking them to a place where they'll be nurtured; where they will receive spiritual encouragement to grow.\u00a0 And you know what?\u00a0 It's going to cost him, and it's going to cost him big time in his family as his children move on to maturity.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0You talk a lot about the concept of honoring our parents, and I'm sure for this man the idea of moving on to another church feels like it would be bringing great dishonor on both sets of parents.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Well, this is taking place in a small community, so the pressure is big time intense.\u00a0 I mean, the whole town would know if this man moved his family from that church.\u00a0 But, at that point, you've got to look at that man and say, \"Do what's spiritually best for your wife and your family.\"\u00a0 In this particular situation, the wife wants to move.\u00a0 The kids would like to move.\u00a0 Everyone in his family wants to make the move to the other church, but he is afraid of what it will cost him.\u00a0 And you know what?\u00a0 He needs to be a man of conviction.\u00a0 He needs to lead his family spiritually.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0It might help him if he got ready to talk with his parents about his plans.\u00a0 It might help if he would read Tim Kimmel's book on how to deal with powerful personalities, because it sounds like that's one of the things that's going on here.\u00a0 He's got his parents, who are working to subtly manipulate or control him in this situation, and Tim's book helps us know how to deal with that kind of a situation.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0We've got it in our FamilyLife Resource Center, and he ought to contact us and get a copy.\u00a0 In fact, Dr. Dan Allender's book, \"Intimate Allies,\" would be another great resource for him, because in that book Dan talks about the importance of leaving father and mother and about some of the subtle tendencies there can be on the part of our parents to continue to try to control us, even after we're married.\u00a0 We've got both books available, and I would encourage any of our listeners \u2013 this issue of leaving father and other is so critical to a healthy marriage.\u00a0 If you need help in this area, get a copy of both of these books.\u00a0 We'll send you, at no additional cost, either the CD audio or the cassette audio of this series on God's plan for marriage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0You can ask for the books when you call us at 1-800-FLTODAY.\u00a0 You can go online to order at FamilyLife.com and, again, you get both books, and we'll send the CD or cassette audio, your choice, at no additional cost.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And then it would probably be a good idea for a husband and wife in this situation to get away for a weekend together at one of our FamilyLife Weekend to Remember conferences.\u00a0 Over the course of two-and-a-half days, we try to help couples have a great time, it's a lot of fun, it's refreshing, it's relaxing, but it's also an opportunity to think deeply about what the Bible has to say about God's purpose for marriage, God's plan for marriage, some of the key issues that couples face in a marriage relationship like communication, sexual intimacy, resolving conflict, the core responsibilities we have with each other has husbands and as wives, as moms and dads.\u00a0 There have been hundreds of thousands of couples over the years who have attended one of our Weekend to Remember conferences.\u00a0 It has always had an unconditional money-back guarantee.\u00a0 So if, for any reason, you want your money back, we'll refund the registration price, no questions asked.\u00a0 All you have to do is write us and let us know that you'd like your money back.\u00a0 And we don't get a lot of requests for refunds, because couples really enjoy this conference.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0If you'd like more information or if you'd like to make reservations to attend one of our Weekend to Remember conferences, go to our website at FamilyLife.com.\u00a0 There's a complete list of the upcoming conferences, the cities we're going to be in and what weekends we'll be there on our website.\u00a0 Or call for more information at 1-800-358-6329.\u00a0 That's 1-800-F-as-in-family, L-as-in-life, and then the word TODAY.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And, finally, when you do get in touch with us, if you are able to help with a financial contribution to FamilyLife Today here during the month of August, that would be greatly appreciated.\u00a0 We've got an initiative \u2013 we're partnering with the Wilberforce Forum to try to make happen here in the next couple of weeks \u2013 we're trying to encourage churches all across the country to get involved in the National Preaching Initiative to preach on God's design for marriage sometime during September or October \u2013 preach for one Sunday or for a couple of Sundays, for four Sundays, and we're hoping thousands of churches will join together and will affirm together what the Scriptures have to say about God's design for marriage being between one man and one woman in a covenant relationship for a lifetime.\u00a0 It's especially critical that that issue be addressed in our culture in this day.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And I mention that, because that's just one of many initiatives that we are hoping to move forward with in the weeks and months ahead here at FamilyLife.\u00a0 All of those initiatives are dependent on your financial participation with us.\u00a0 We couldn't do what we're doing here at FamilyLife if folks like you weren't helping us financially make that happen.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0You can donate to FamilyLife Today online at FamilyLife.com or you can call 1-800-FLTODAY to make a donation.\u00a0 Those donations are tax deductible, and we hope to hear from you, especially here at the end of the summer, here in the last few days of August.\u00a0 It's a critical time for us, and if you can make a donation of any amount, give us a call at 1-800-FLTODAY or go online at FamilyLife.com and do that, all right?\u00a0 Dennis.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Well, we've been talking on the broadcast today about leaving our parents emotionally, leaving them financially, and then leaving them in the process of making a decision, and I've got three quick thoughts for you as you really evaluate as a couple \u2013 what have you done in leaving your father and mother?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0First of all, I would encourage you to discuss, as a couple, have you left?\u00a0 Each of you \u2013 have you left emotionally, financially, and for direction or decision-making.\u00a0 Secondly, if you have got some problems there, I would encourage you to pray together, as a couple, for a solution.\u00a0 And, third, honor your parents but take action.\u00a0 Set a course for your marriage and take control of the future by making some decisions that will create health and spiritual vitality in your marriage.\u00a0 You will never regret it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0We'll talk more tomorrow about what some of those steps might be specifically, and I hope our listeners can join us for that.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0I want to thank our engineer, Mark Whitlock.\u00a0 Our host is Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 We'll see you back tomorrow for another edition of FamilyLife Today. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0FamilyLife Today is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas, a ministry of Campus Crusade for Christ. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t________________________________________________________________\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you.\u00a0 However, there is a cost to transcribe, create, and produce them for our website.\u00a0 If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would\u00a0\u00a0 you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/site\/c.dnJHKLNnFoG\/b.3782043\/k.384D\/Support_Us.htm\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright \u00a9 FamilyLife.\u00a0 All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/www.FamilyLife.com\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 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