{"id":300704,"date":"2004-08-13T11:00:00","date_gmt":"2004-08-13T15:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/effective-discipline-for-your-child\/"},"modified":"2024-12-09T16:19:30","modified_gmt":"2024-12-09T21:19:30","slug":"effective-discipline-for-your-child","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/effective-discipline-for-your-child\/","title":{"rendered":"Effective Discipline for Your Child"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Do your children argue, complain, or disobey? If so, join us for today&#8217;s broadcast when Dennis and Barbara Rainey talk about effectively disciplining children. Discipline is just one of the topics covered in the HomeBuilders parenting studies offered by FamilyLife.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Dennis and Barbara Rainey talk about effectively disciplining children.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"audio","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2004-08-13.mp3","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:","filesize":"11.42M","filesize_raw":"11974258","date_recorded":"2004-08-13 11:00:00","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2852],"tags":[4759,2209],"podcast_series":[7324],"cwp_profile":[3051],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-300704","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-discipline","tag-discipline","tag-parenting","podcast_series-the-homebuilders-parenting-revolution","cwp_profile-dennis-and-barbara-rainey","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/300704\/effective-discipline-for-your-child","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/300704\/effective-discipline-for-your-child","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"29LXoRusMk\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/effective-discipline-for-your-child\/\">Effective Discipline for Your Child<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/effective-discipline-for-your-child\/embed\/#?secret=29LXoRusMk\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Effective Discipline for Your Child&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"29LXoRusMk\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2004-08-13.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2004-08-13.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<p>\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0And welcome to FamilyLife Today, thanks for joining us on the Friday edition.\u00a0 Listen as this group of parents talks about all the different ways that children can come up with to disobey.<\/p>\n<p>Man:\u00a0Okay, so what are common ways our children tend not to obey us fully?<\/p>\n<p>Woman:\u00a0You name it.<\/p>\n<p>Man:\u00a0I think there's too many ways to mention.<\/p>\n<p>Woman:\u00a0They have mostly attitudes, and you can tell me yes with your mouth, but if your attitude, your heart, your demeanor, says \"Pfffft.\"\u00a0 Obedience is what God is after, and that is what, as a mom, that is what pleases me, is your obedience.\u00a0 Not your partial obedience, but your obedience.<\/p>\n<p>Man:\u00a0We have one daughter that obeyed all the time.\u00a0 She just knew, from an early age, that that was the way to get what she wanted.\u00a0 And we have two daughters that just sort of never obeyed \u2013\u00a0 \"never\" might be too big of a word, but \u2026<\/p>\n<p>Woman:\u00a0Yes, that was too big a word.<\/p>\n<p>Man:\u00a0But the frequency of their disobedience reminds me of the song, \"40 Ways to Leave Your Lover.\"<\/p>\n<p>Woman:\u00a0Forty ways to irritate your father?<\/p>\n<p>Man:\u00a0Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Man:\u00a0Just slip out the back, jack.<\/p>\n<p>Man:\u00a0That was one of them.<\/p>\n<p>[laughter]<\/p>\n<p>Man:\u00a0I've heard of praying in front of your children, asking the Lord to help them get caught \u2026<\/p>\n<p>Woman:\u00a0\u2026 absolutely \u2026<\/p>\n<p>Man:\u00a0We've done that.<\/p>\n<p>Woman:\u00a0And our 19-year-old still thinks I have eyes in the back of my head.<\/p>\n<p>Woman:\u00a0We do.\u00a0 We'll never tell her different.<\/p>\n<p>Woman:\u00a0No, no, he tells his cousins, \"No, she can tell.\u00a0 She knows.\u00a0 Don't try anything.\"<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0We've been listening to a group of parents meeting together in a HomeBuilders parenting group, going through a study called \"Establishing Effective Discipline for Your Children,\" and talking about children who disobey.<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0I have a better list.<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0You've got a more complete list, is that what it is?<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0Well, it's just \u2013 yeah.\u00a0 I just started reflecting on all the ways our kids disobeyed.\u00a0 In fact, one of the questions we ask in this small group Bible study is to ask parents to just circle three or four of the following negative responses that your children have expressed to you or to your authority.<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0You had to limit yourself to three or four, huh?<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0There's probably 20 here, okay?<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0I may be able to circle all of them, if possible.<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0Well, why don't you do that?\u00a0 Barbara is also joining us on this broadcast.\u00a0 You listen, sweetheart, and see if you can't pick out just three or four from this list \u2013 defiance, sassiness, ignoring instructions, giving excuses, arguing, willful disobedience, procrastination, complaining, criticizing, twisting your words, anger, temper tantrums, rejecting responsibility, blaming others, interrupting, lying, belligerent questioning.<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0Now, are you asking \u2026<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0\u2026 I'm not through \u2013 cheating, sneaking, acting disrespectfully, whining, rudeness, sarcasm, and then, just in case I missed one on this Bible study I wrote \u2013 \"other.\"<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0Are you asking which my kids have ever done or which they do most regularly?<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0Which do you typically experience most frequently in your home.\u00a0 Just give us a couple.<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0Let me look at that list again.\u00a0 You know, my kids might be listening \u2013 well, they know, don't they?<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0They know.<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0We would get arguing \u2013 arguing would be one.<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0High scores on sibling \u2026<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0High scores on arguing; excuses, we'd get excuses; sarcasm, they come by that honestly, I'm afraid.<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0Your kids?<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0Yeah, I'm afraid they do.\u00a0 And the one you don't have on here is \u2026<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0\u2026 that you're going to put in \"other?\"<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0\"Other\" is acting like they didn't understand the instructions.<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0Oh, no, that's on there.<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0Is that ignoring instructions?<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0That's it, that's ignoring instructions.<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0All right.<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0All right, Barbara, which ones would you pick for our kids.<\/p>\n<p>Barbara:\u00a0Well, we've seen all of these.<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Barbara:\u00a0So I have to pick four that we saw most often?<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0Just three or four.<\/p>\n<p>Barbara:\u00a0The problem is that different ones were experts at different things, so it depends on which child.\u00a0 One child was really good at ignoring, like you were saying \u2013 you still want me to pick four?<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0I think, generally, one of the habitual sins was complaining.<\/p>\n<p>Barbara:\u00a0Oh, clearly, yes, we had complaining a lot.<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0So did your kids \u2026<\/p>\n<p>Barbara:\u00a0We had twisting your words, too, where we would give them an instruction to, say, clean their room, and they would say, \"Oh, I thought you just meant clean my closet,\" or \"I just thought you meant make my bed.\"\u00a0 They would come back with some modified version of the instruction and assume that they had complied because they'd done what it was that they wanted to do but not all of it.<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0Actually, they knew it was \u2026<\/p>\n<p>Barbara:\u00a0Oh, of course, they did.<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0A lame excuse.<\/p>\n<p>Barbara:\u00a0Oh, of course, they did, but they always tried to do it, anyway.<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0The reality is every parent has seen these behaviors from their children at some point in time, and a part of getting together with other parents and going through a HomeBuilders study, like \"Establishing Effective Discipline for Your Children,\" you're going to benefit not only from the interaction with other parents, but there is a sense of relief coming to know our children are not the only juvenile delinquents in town.<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0I'll tell you what I would promise folks on this \u2013 Barbara and I really enjoyed writing this, and I think it's because we've been given every excuse, and it was our chance to get the upper hand one last time and equip parents to know how to do it.\u00a0 But I would predict that if you will get together with four or five other couples who may be at the same life stage you are with children, and you take on these six topics, and here is what we talk about \u2013 purposeful discipline; we talk about responsibility, and that list we just laughed about \u2013 that came from Session Two on responsibility.\u00a0 That's what you're training in your children.<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0Their ability to respond.<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0Their ability to respond.\u00a0 Session Three is on boundaries; Session Four and Five, we took two sessions on this one, because there was so much to say about this, we couldn't get this in in one session \u2013 consequences.\u00a0 What are the consequences for willful disobedience?\u00a0 One just on general consequences and the second one, Part Two on spanking.\u00a0 And I know that's not a politically correct topic these days but, I'll tell you what, the Bible speaks about it.\u00a0 It does need to be used sparingly but appropriately with children up to a certain age, and we talk about that in there.\u00a0 And then Session Six is about perseverance.\u00a0 Just hanging in there and keeping your boundaries in place and just keep on leading your children in what's right, because \u2013 bottom line \u2013 they need parents who hold the line and who don't cave in to the culture.<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0You know, many years ago Dr. Dobson wrote the classic book, \"Dare to Discipline,\" and it really was, at the time, a book that gave parents a whole lot of courage to step up and to apply discipline and consequences, the things you're talking about here.\u00a0 But even with a book like that, we can shrink in the moment, and the great thing about having a group of parents that you're going through this kind of material with is it gives you courage in those times when you want to shrink.\u00a0 It refreshes you for what you're going to face week in and week out with your children.\u00a0 I know there have been times when Mary Ann and I have looked at one another, and we've seen some behavior pattern, and we've smiled because when we were together with our friends the week before, they talked about their kids doing the same thing.\u00a0 And, all of a sudden, something that could make you tense, you can just relax a little bit and keep going as a parent.<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0I can tell you, this past Christmas we had all five of our grandchildren at our house.<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0All at the same time?<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0All at the same time.\u00a0 In fact, we got them together for a picture, and that, in and of itself, was very entertaining.<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0What are the ages?<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0Four months to four years.<\/p>\n<p>Barbara:\u00a0Yes, that's correct.<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0Four boys, four thugs, and one princess, one Polynesian princess.\u00a0 And it was really funny \u2013 I'm going to protect the anonymity and, you know, the self-esteem of this poor little toddler, because, you know, I'm sure if he was to hear it over the radio, it could just damage him for the rest of his life.\u00a0 Actually, it wouldn't, it's just a cute story, but this particular grandchild was just whining.\u00a0 And finally I looked over at him, and I said his name.\u00a0 And I said, \"Huh-uh, this is Papa's house, and this is a no-whine zone.\"<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0Now, is he old enough to understand what you're saying?<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0He did understand, because instantly \u2013 whoooppp \u2013 he stopped whining.<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0He'd look up at you?<\/p>\n<p>Barbara:\u00a0Mm-hm.<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0His eyes never left my eyes when I was saying, \"Papa said this is a no-whine zone.\"<\/p>\n<p>Barbara:\u00a0And you did it just to be cute more than to discipline him, because you weren't trying to take the upper hand.<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0Well, I don't think grandparents \u2013 I think grandparents need to spoil them.\u00a0 I mean, we've been through this once \u2026<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0\u2026 let somebody else discipline them.<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0That's right, let the parents do that.\u00a0 So I really wasn't trying to overstep my bounds, but what happened in the process was that I did it repeatedly over the three or four days the little tyke was at our place, and every time \u2013 zip \u2013 he quit.<\/p>\n<p>Barbara:\u00a0He knew Mom and Dad were looking at you, going \u2013 how do you have this magic power?\u00a0 We can't do that.\u00a0 They were so funny.\u00a0 They just were in awe that he would quit.\u00a0 So we ended up having a really good conversation about discipline.<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0Tell me about the conversation \u2013 what kinds of things came up?<\/p>\n<p>Barbara:\u00a0Basically, they just wanted to know what do you do with whining and how do you handle it?\u00a0 And my first answer was, \"I don't really know,\" because it's not a real cut-and-dry, simple answer.<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0You can't say, \"Follow these four steps and eliminate whining.\"<\/p>\n<p>Barbara:\u00a0Exactly.\u00a0 Oh, I wish we could have, because I would have done it in a heartbeat, but it's not a real simple thing to cure.\u00a0 But we did talk about setting boundaries, we talked about it's okay to let them cry, we talked about the time-out chair, we talked about putting him in his crib or in a safe place until he got happy, and we talked about all of those things and how you use that to your advantage so that the goal is that the parent is in charge and not the child, and the child has learned, by whining, that he can get Mom to come back in the room or pick me up or whatever it is that he wants.\u00a0 And so that was the gist of our conversation \u2013 was trying to help them understand again that they are the parent, and they have to be in charge, and they have to win \u2013 not the little one.<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0And tell our listeners about the e-mail you just go today.<\/p>\n<p>Barbara:\u00a0Well, it was interesting \u2013 they got home after Christmas, and then he got a cold, and so when they're sick, you pick them up more, you hold them more, because you know that they don't feel well.\u00a0 And so this had gone on for a few days, but he was starting to get better, but his \u2026<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0\u2026 waaaa, waaaa, waaaa, pick me up.<\/p>\n<p>Barbara:\u00a0Yeah, but his whining was getting worse, because he'd figure this out \u2013 \"Okay, if I whine and cry, I'm going to get held,\" and his mom was about to go nuts.\u00a0 And she called on the phone and said, \"What do I do?\"\u00a0 She said, \"We try to act like Papa and say, 'This is a no-whine zone,' and she said, \"It doesn't do any good.\"\u00a0 It was so cute.\u00a0 So we had this conversation, and I just encouraged her to let him cry, even if he's still not totally over his cold, it is not going to hurt him to sit in his crib or on the floor in his room and cry.\u00a0 Because he would cry when she'd walk out of the room.<\/p>\n<p>So I just encouraged her, and she said, \"Okay, I can do this, I can do this.\"\u00a0 It was so cute.\u00a0 And she just sent me an e-mail today, because I e-mailed her this morning, and I said, \"I haven't heard anything in a week.\u00a0 Are you guys okay?\"\u00a0 And she said, \"He is 10 times better.\u00a0 It's like a different child.\u00a0 We stuck with it for three days and by the end of three days he was fine.\"<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0And that process of coaching, encouragement, and accountability is what the HomeBuilders parent series is built around.\u00a0 You're going to have a session where you talk about a hot topic like consequences \u2013 all types of consequences.\u00a0 Then you're going to have a make-a-date, where the husband and wife, mom and dad, go out on a date before the next HomeBuilders session, all right?\u00a0 And the make-a-date sometimes will be more profitable even than the interaction with the other parents.\u00a0 Because you take a subject like consequences, and I'm opening my HomeBuilders at this point to the make-a-date, and it's got a list of rewards and praises for your child, a list of punishments, and a list here for couples to look at and begin to hammer out, \"What are we going to reward our children with,\" and \"What are we going to punish our children with.\"\u00a0 And find other solutions other than just spanking, other than just getting angry, other than just threatening them, and instead step back into your children's lives with a purposeful plan.<\/p>\n<p>Now, you're not going to do it perfectly, but take, for instance, the issue of rewards, which is a part of this Bible study on consequences.\u00a0 We have a list here of all types of ways you can reward your child when he does something right -- a spoken word of praise or affirmation, physical affection, notes and cards, fun activities, dinner at your child's favorite restaurant, special date with mom or dad, throw a special celebration, earn points or tickets for good choices and a good attitude, and on it goes -- a chart, increased privileges, and there's other ideas here that I'm not going to get into, but the point is that a couple can agree on their approach, Bob, and that's what happens to a lot of couples.\u00a0 They get worn out in the process of raising kids, and they can't be creative, and they don't have other ideas or solutions, and a small group like HomeBuilders can meet and, all of a sudden, they can be refreshed, and they can have a little island of clarity in the midst of this sea of confusion and say, \"You know what?\u00a0 We can win at this game called parenting.\"<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0We used to have some round black magnets on the refrigerator, and the black dots became \u2013 you had to put them under your name if you'd done something wrong, and if you got so many black dots during the week there were consequences \u2013 or if you didn't have any, there was benefit.\u00a0 You do those kinds of things, and that's all a part of shaping character.\u00a0 It's really modifying behavior.\u00a0 What you're really going for with discipline is not just a change in behavior, but a change in the heart attitude, and that's why I appreciate, in these studies, you keep driving parents back to the Scriptures and back to getting to the heart of the child, not simply to the behavior of the child.\u00a0 Because we can raise little hypocrites, can't we?\u00a0 But we've got to make sure that more than just the behavior is cured, but the heart is cured.<\/p>\n<p>Let me ask you this \u2013 the two of you could have sat down and written a book on the subject of disciplining your children, and you may do that someday, but if you had the choice between sending your children a book on how to discipline their children or getting them involved in a HomeBuilders group to go through this study with other parents their age, which would you pick?<\/p>\n<p>Barbara:\u00a0I think I'd pick the study, because I think what a group does for you, a group of people who are at the same life stage, and you're going through the same things together, it's like a support group.\u00a0 You encourage one another, you can hold each other accountable, you give each other ideas, and it gives you hope and courage to hang in there, whereas a book is just a one-person or maybe two people reading the book, and there is not as much interaction.\u00a0 I think a group is absolutely the way to go.<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0No question about it \u2013 10 times out of 10 times, I'd want my son or daughter and their spouse to sit in a group of three or four, five couples, and interact around the Scriptures around a well-designed Bible study that will walk them through the process of not only where they came from and the kind of discipline they had in their homes that they grew up in, but now, as they come together as a couple, with one, two, three children or more, how are they going to hammer out their game plan now, as parents, and what are going to be their consequences for disrespectful behavior?\u00a0 And how are you going to reward your children?<\/p>\n<p>And, as a couple \u2013 well, I'll tell you this story \u2013 recently I was on the phone with three young men that I'm mentoring, and I gave them \u2013 well, I gave them a question.\u00a0 I said, \"I will answer any question you guys want to ask about sex in marriage.\"\u00a0 Well, I knew they'd be on time for this meeting, and when they showed up for the phone call when I talk to them, did you know that there was not a single question about that subject.\u00a0 The questions were all about this right here \u2026<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0\u2026 disciplining your children.<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0About disciplining your children and how do I, as a young man, lead my wife and love her and help her and get on the same page as her, and we spent an hour talking about these issues, encouraging these young men to lead their wives spiritually.\u00a0 And there are some moms, right now, listening to this broadcast saying, \"Man, I would love for my husband to lead me.\"\u00a0 Well, you know what?\u00a0 Find a group of people that you think he'd fit with and get him in a HomeBuilders group.\u00a0 It might even be the opportunity to see him come to faith in Christ where he has rejected Christianity, he's refused to go to church.\u00a0 This need may be so great in your family that maybe the pain of a whining child will drive you all to a small group of people who can encourage one another as parents.<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0Mm-hm, and the thing about this subject is, this goes on and on and on.<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0Yeah, it's not just for parents of toddlers.\u00a0 This was written for parents all the way through the teenage years, because boundaries don't go away.<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0And you also don't fix this in a week.\u00a0 I mean, you talked about your son and your daughter and their grandchild, and now things are 10 times better \u2013 that's just temporary right?<\/p>\n<p>Barbara:\u00a0That's right.<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0The next issue is just around the corner, or this one is going to re-emerge \u2026<\/p>\n<p>Barbara:\u00a0\u2026 it will re-emerge \u2026<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0\u2026 and, as parents, we get exhausted \u2026<\/p>\n<p>Barbara:\u00a0\u2026 exhausted \u2026<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0In fact, I think discipline and consequences and holding the line is maybe the most exhausting part of parenting.<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0I think you're on target, Bob.<\/p>\n<p>Barbara:\u00a0I couldn't agree more.<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0I've talked to parents, you know, to moms who have said, \"I'm home with the child.\u00a0 This is the sixth time today the child has been in time out.\u00a0 It's, like, as soon as we get the thing done, and the discipline is over, a half an hour later the same behavior re-emerges.\"\u00a0 And, as a parent, you just want to go, \"This is not working.\"<\/p>\n<p>Barbara:\u00a0When are you going to get it?<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0Uh-huh, but we've got to stay faithful to it, and that's why not only can biblical material help, but a group \u2013 somebody you can call and say, \"Okay, I just put my child in time out for the sixth time today, I'm about to go crazy \u2013 help.\"\u00a0 And to have another parent who can say, \"I've been there,\" or \"I am there, too,\" that can be all the refreshment, the load-lightening you need.<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0And a group of people who can say, \"Could I pray for you?\"\u00a0 Pray for you all as a couple and, you know, prayer works.\u00a0 I've said it many times \u2013 God loves the prayer of the helpless parent, and if it takes that to get you dependent upon Him and looking to Him and the Scriptures for solution, then maybe that's a good thing.<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0You know, we've got a lot of folks who are listening this week, heard us talk about getting in one of these groups, getting some other parents together, and they think, \"I would love to be in a group like this, but we could never start one, we could never lead one.\u00a0 We're too dysfunctional to lead a group like this or to start one.\"<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0Nah \u2013 now, if you can carry on a conversation, you can lead one of these.\u00a0 The reason is \u2013 people want to talk about these issues.\u00a0 You don't have to be an expert.\u00a0 This material is designed in such a way that, I'm not kidding, if you can carry on a conversation with another person, you can guide people through the HomeBuilders parents series.\u00a0 It is virtually self-led material.\u00a0 The group will take off.\u00a0 In fact, if anything happens, you're going to find it will be difficult to finish all 12 questions that are in each session, and that's 90 minutes.\u00a0 People today, Bob, are wanting what you talked about and have been talking about all week.\u00a0 They want community, they want another parent to relate to who will listen to them and affirm them and encourage them.\u00a0 And you simply don't have to be seminary trained, you don't have to be a small group leader, you just need to have enough courage to step out and to call \u2013 get the material, and get a group together and start one of these groups.<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0You not only don't have to be seminary trained, you don't have to be doing it right yourself, because most of us aren't.<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0The authors didn't.<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0And you don't have to have been a Christian for years and years.\u00a0 If you're new to the faith, again, the material will point you in the right direction.\u00a0 It's not up to you to do that.\u00a0 There are six studies in the HomeBuilders parenting series, and we're calling on our listeners to join the FamilyLife parenting revolution by putting a group together and seeing if we can't change the paradigm for a lot of Christian parents all around the country.<\/p>\n<p>Call 1-800-FLTODAY.\u00a0 That's 1-800-F-as-in-family, L-as-in-life, and then the word TODAY or go online at FamilyLife.com.\u00a0 The information you need about the studies is available there.\u00a0 You can see all six titles, decide which one would be the right one to start a group with, and then let's kick it off.\u00a0 Let's see if we can't get a bunch of folks involved and getting together and going through these studies, because we think it can make a difference not only in your family but in the lives of the next generation.<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0Here is a quote from James \u2013 how do you pronounce the name of that California town, Bob?<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0Paso Robles.<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0Thank you.\u00a0 I knew your San Antonio connection would pay off.\u00a0 He said this \u2013 \"Our marriage is based on a firm foundation in Christ.\u00a0 Homebuilders puts the finishing touches on the home.\u00a0 Sometimes the old wallpaper needs to come down.\u00a0 HomeBuilders gives us the tools to help strip it off.\"<\/p>\n<p>I like that, because you know what?\u00a0 You do sometimes need a tool to do some remodeling, and HomeBuilders is a great tool for every family.<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0And this month we're trying to add a special incentive to make that happen.\u00a0 All of our HomeBuilders titles, both in the parenting series and in the HomeBuilders couples series for married couples \u2013 all of these resources are 25 percent off the regular price from now until the end of the month of August.\u00a0 So a little extra incentive for you to get things started with your friends or your neighbors.\u00a0 Call us at 1-800-FLTODAY.\u00a0 That's 1-800-F-as-in-family, L-as-in-life, and then the word TODAY.<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0And I already know what our listeners are thinking.<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0Yeah?<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0Do not send your toddler to our house.<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0To the whine-free zone?<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0To the no-whine zone.\u00a0 We are now empty-nesters.<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0Papa, can't you fix this for us?<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0We are now empty-nesters, and we have five grandchildren of our own, thank you.<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0You could fund your retirement with \"A Day in the Whine-Free Zone.\"\u00a0 A couple of hundred bucks for that \u2013 there would be a lot of takers.<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0I'll tell you what, now, if they'll become a Legacy Partner \u2026<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0\u2026 we can talk \u2026<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0I think we might take a kid or two.<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a01-800-FLTODAY, the number to call, or go online at FamilyLife.com.<\/p>\n<p>Hope you have a great weekend, hope you and your family are able to worship together in church this weekend, and I hope you can join us back on Monday when Tim Stafford is going to be here.\u00a0 We're going to talk about what you can do to avoid comparison with other families and how you can zero in on your own family values, the goals you want to set for your family.\u00a0 I hope you can join us for that.<\/p>\n<p>I want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team.\u00a0 On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 We'll see you Monday for another edition of FamilyLife Today.<\/p>\n<p>FamilyLife Today is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas, a ministry of Campus Crusade for Christ.<\/p>\n<p>________________________________________________________________<\/p>\n<p>We are so happy to provide these transcripts to you.\u00a0 However, there is a cost to transcribe, create, and produce them for our website.\u00a0 If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would\u00a0\u00a0 you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/site\/c.dnJHKLNnFoG\/b.3782043\/k.384D\/Support_Us.htm\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?<\/p>\n<p>Copyright \u00a9 FamilyLife.\u00a0 All rights reserved.<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"http:\/\/www.FamilyLife.com\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a><\/p>\n"],"duration":["00:"],"_thumbnail_id":["294104"],"filesize":["11.42M"],"filesize_raw":["11974258"],"_edit_lock":["1733779583:47000"],"_edit_last":["47000"],"theme_header_position":["Sticky"],"post_header_is_sticky":["default"],"is_header_overlay":["0"],"episode_type":["audio"],"date_recorded":["2004-08-13 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and Barbara Rainey talk about effectively disciplining children.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2004-08-13.pdf","transcript_content":"<p>\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0And welcome to FamilyLife Today, thanks for joining us on the Friday edition.\u00a0 Listen as this group of parents talks about all the different ways that children can come up with to disobey.<\/p>\n<p>Man:\u00a0Okay, so what are common ways our children tend not to obey us fully?<\/p>\n<p>Woman:\u00a0You name it.<\/p>\n<p>Man:\u00a0I think there's too many ways to mention.<\/p>\n<p>Woman:\u00a0They have mostly attitudes, and you can tell me yes with your mouth, but if your attitude, your heart, your demeanor, says \"Pfffft.\"\u00a0 Obedience is what God is after, and that is what, as a mom, that is what pleases me, is your obedience.\u00a0 Not your partial obedience, but your obedience.<\/p>\n<p>Man:\u00a0We have one daughter that obeyed all the time.\u00a0 She just knew, from an early age, that that was the way to get what she wanted.\u00a0 And we have two daughters that just sort of never obeyed \u2013\u00a0 \"never\" might be too big of a word, but \u2026<\/p>\n<p>Woman:\u00a0Yes, that was too big a word.<\/p>\n<p>Man:\u00a0But the frequency of their disobedience reminds me of the song, \"40 Ways to Leave Your Lover.\"<\/p>\n<p>Woman:\u00a0Forty ways to irritate your father?<\/p>\n<p>Man:\u00a0Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Man:\u00a0Just slip out the back, jack.<\/p>\n<p>Man:\u00a0That was one of them.<\/p>\n<p>[laughter]<\/p>\n<p>Man:\u00a0I've heard of praying in front of your children, asking the Lord to help them get caught \u2026<\/p>\n<p>Woman:\u00a0\u2026 absolutely \u2026<\/p>\n<p>Man:\u00a0We've done that.<\/p>\n<p>Woman:\u00a0And our 19-year-old still thinks I have eyes in the back of my head.<\/p>\n<p>Woman:\u00a0We do.\u00a0 We'll never tell her different.<\/p>\n<p>Woman:\u00a0No, no, he tells his cousins, \"No, she can tell.\u00a0 She knows.\u00a0 Don't try anything.\"<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0We've been listening to a group of parents meeting together in a HomeBuilders parenting group, going through a study called \"Establishing Effective Discipline for Your Children,\" and talking about children who disobey.<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0I have a better list.<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0You've got a more complete list, is that what it is?<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0Well, it's just \u2013 yeah.\u00a0 I just started reflecting on all the ways our kids disobeyed.\u00a0 In fact, one of the questions we ask in this small group Bible study is to ask parents to just circle three or four of the following negative responses that your children have expressed to you or to your authority.<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0You had to limit yourself to three or four, huh?<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0There's probably 20 here, okay?<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0I may be able to circle all of them, if possible.<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0Well, why don't you do that?\u00a0 Barbara is also joining us on this broadcast.\u00a0 You listen, sweetheart, and see if you can't pick out just three or four from this list \u2013 defiance, sassiness, ignoring instructions, giving excuses, arguing, willful disobedience, procrastination, complaining, criticizing, twisting your words, anger, temper tantrums, rejecting responsibility, blaming others, interrupting, lying, belligerent questioning.<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0Now, are you asking \u2026<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0\u2026 I'm not through \u2013 cheating, sneaking, acting disrespectfully, whining, rudeness, sarcasm, and then, just in case I missed one on this Bible study I wrote \u2013 \"other.\"<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0Are you asking which my kids have ever done or which they do most regularly?<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0Which do you typically experience most frequently in your home.\u00a0 Just give us a couple.<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0Let me look at that list again.\u00a0 You know, my kids might be listening \u2013 well, they know, don't they?<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0They know.<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0We would get arguing \u2013 arguing would be one.<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0High scores on sibling \u2026<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0High scores on arguing; excuses, we'd get excuses; sarcasm, they come by that honestly, I'm afraid.<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0Your kids?<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0Yeah, I'm afraid they do.\u00a0 And the one you don't have on here is \u2026<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0\u2026 that you're going to put in \"other?\"<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0\"Other\" is acting like they didn't understand the instructions.<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0Oh, no, that's on there.<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0Is that ignoring instructions?<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0That's it, that's ignoring instructions.<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0All right.<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0All right, Barbara, which ones would you pick for our kids.<\/p>\n<p>Barbara:\u00a0Well, we've seen all of these.<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Barbara:\u00a0So I have to pick four that we saw most often?<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0Just three or four.<\/p>\n<p>Barbara:\u00a0The problem is that different ones were experts at different things, so it depends on which child.\u00a0 One child was really good at ignoring, like you were saying \u2013 you still want me to pick four?<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0I think, generally, one of the habitual sins was complaining.<\/p>\n<p>Barbara:\u00a0Oh, clearly, yes, we had complaining a lot.<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0So did your kids \u2026<\/p>\n<p>Barbara:\u00a0We had twisting your words, too, where we would give them an instruction to, say, clean their room, and they would say, \"Oh, I thought you just meant clean my closet,\" or \"I just thought you meant make my bed.\"\u00a0 They would come back with some modified version of the instruction and assume that they had complied because they'd done what it was that they wanted to do but not all of it.<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0Actually, they knew it was \u2026<\/p>\n<p>Barbara:\u00a0Oh, of course, they did.<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0A lame excuse.<\/p>\n<p>Barbara:\u00a0Oh, of course, they did, but they always tried to do it, anyway.<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0The reality is every parent has seen these behaviors from their children at some point in time, and a part of getting together with other parents and going through a HomeBuilders study, like \"Establishing Effective Discipline for Your Children,\" you're going to benefit not only from the interaction with other parents, but there is a sense of relief coming to know our children are not the only juvenile delinquents in town.<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0I'll tell you what I would promise folks on this \u2013 Barbara and I really enjoyed writing this, and I think it's because we've been given every excuse, and it was our chance to get the upper hand one last time and equip parents to know how to do it.\u00a0 But I would predict that if you will get together with four or five other couples who may be at the same life stage you are with children, and you take on these six topics, and here is what we talk about \u2013 purposeful discipline; we talk about responsibility, and that list we just laughed about \u2013 that came from Session Two on responsibility.\u00a0 That's what you're training in your children.<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0Their ability to respond.<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0Their ability to respond.\u00a0 Session Three is on boundaries; Session Four and Five, we took two sessions on this one, because there was so much to say about this, we couldn't get this in in one session \u2013 consequences.\u00a0 What are the consequences for willful disobedience?\u00a0 One just on general consequences and the second one, Part Two on spanking.\u00a0 And I know that's not a politically correct topic these days but, I'll tell you what, the Bible speaks about it.\u00a0 It does need to be used sparingly but appropriately with children up to a certain age, and we talk about that in there.\u00a0 And then Session Six is about perseverance.\u00a0 Just hanging in there and keeping your boundaries in place and just keep on leading your children in what's right, because \u2013 bottom line \u2013 they need parents who hold the line and who don't cave in to the culture.<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0You know, many years ago Dr. Dobson wrote the classic book, \"Dare to Discipline,\" and it really was, at the time, a book that gave parents a whole lot of courage to step up and to apply discipline and consequences, the things you're talking about here.\u00a0 But even with a book like that, we can shrink in the moment, and the great thing about having a group of parents that you're going through this kind of material with is it gives you courage in those times when you want to shrink.\u00a0 It refreshes you for what you're going to face week in and week out with your children.\u00a0 I know there have been times when Mary Ann and I have looked at one another, and we've seen some behavior pattern, and we've smiled because when we were together with our friends the week before, they talked about their kids doing the same thing.\u00a0 And, all of a sudden, something that could make you tense, you can just relax a little bit and keep going as a parent.<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0I can tell you, this past Christmas we had all five of our grandchildren at our house.<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0All at the same time?<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0All at the same time.\u00a0 In fact, we got them together for a picture, and that, in and of itself, was very entertaining.<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0What are the ages?<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0Four months to four years.<\/p>\n<p>Barbara:\u00a0Yes, that's correct.<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0Four boys, four thugs, and one princess, one Polynesian princess.\u00a0 And it was really funny \u2013 I'm going to protect the anonymity and, you know, the self-esteem of this poor little toddler, because, you know, I'm sure if he was to hear it over the radio, it could just damage him for the rest of his life.\u00a0 Actually, it wouldn't, it's just a cute story, but this particular grandchild was just whining.\u00a0 And finally I looked over at him, and I said his name.\u00a0 And I said, \"Huh-uh, this is Papa's house, and this is a no-whine zone.\"<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0Now, is he old enough to understand what you're saying?<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0He did understand, because instantly \u2013 whoooppp \u2013 he stopped whining.<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0He'd look up at you?<\/p>\n<p>Barbara:\u00a0Mm-hm.<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0His eyes never left my eyes when I was saying, \"Papa said this is a no-whine zone.\"<\/p>\n<p>Barbara:\u00a0And you did it just to be cute more than to discipline him, because you weren't trying to take the upper hand.<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0Well, I don't think grandparents \u2013 I think grandparents need to spoil them.\u00a0 I mean, we've been through this once \u2026<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0\u2026 let somebody else discipline them.<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0That's right, let the parents do that.\u00a0 So I really wasn't trying to overstep my bounds, but what happened in the process was that I did it repeatedly over the three or four days the little tyke was at our place, and every time \u2013 zip \u2013 he quit.<\/p>\n<p>Barbara:\u00a0He knew Mom and Dad were looking at you, going \u2013 how do you have this magic power?\u00a0 We can't do that.\u00a0 They were so funny.\u00a0 They just were in awe that he would quit.\u00a0 So we ended up having a really good conversation about discipline.<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0Tell me about the conversation \u2013 what kinds of things came up?<\/p>\n<p>Barbara:\u00a0Basically, they just wanted to know what do you do with whining and how do you handle it?\u00a0 And my first answer was, \"I don't really know,\" because it's not a real cut-and-dry, simple answer.<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0You can't say, \"Follow these four steps and eliminate whining.\"<\/p>\n<p>Barbara:\u00a0Exactly.\u00a0 Oh, I wish we could have, because I would have done it in a heartbeat, but it's not a real simple thing to cure.\u00a0 But we did talk about setting boundaries, we talked about it's okay to let them cry, we talked about the time-out chair, we talked about putting him in his crib or in a safe place until he got happy, and we talked about all of those things and how you use that to your advantage so that the goal is that the parent is in charge and not the child, and the child has learned, by whining, that he can get Mom to come back in the room or pick me up or whatever it is that he wants.\u00a0 And so that was the gist of our conversation \u2013 was trying to help them understand again that they are the parent, and they have to be in charge, and they have to win \u2013 not the little one.<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0And tell our listeners about the e-mail you just go today.<\/p>\n<p>Barbara:\u00a0Well, it was interesting \u2013 they got home after Christmas, and then he got a cold, and so when they're sick, you pick them up more, you hold them more, because you know that they don't feel well.\u00a0 And so this had gone on for a few days, but he was starting to get better, but his \u2026<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0\u2026 waaaa, waaaa, waaaa, pick me up.<\/p>\n<p>Barbara:\u00a0Yeah, but his whining was getting worse, because he'd figure this out \u2013 \"Okay, if I whine and cry, I'm going to get held,\" and his mom was about to go nuts.\u00a0 And she called on the phone and said, \"What do I do?\"\u00a0 She said, \"We try to act like Papa and say, 'This is a no-whine zone,' and she said, \"It doesn't do any good.\"\u00a0 It was so cute.\u00a0 So we had this conversation, and I just encouraged her to let him cry, even if he's still not totally over his cold, it is not going to hurt him to sit in his crib or on the floor in his room and cry.\u00a0 Because he would cry when she'd walk out of the room.<\/p>\n<p>So I just encouraged her, and she said, \"Okay, I can do this, I can do this.\"\u00a0 It was so cute.\u00a0 And she just sent me an e-mail today, because I e-mailed her this morning, and I said, \"I haven't heard anything in a week.\u00a0 Are you guys okay?\"\u00a0 And she said, \"He is 10 times better.\u00a0 It's like a different child.\u00a0 We stuck with it for three days and by the end of three days he was fine.\"<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0And that process of coaching, encouragement, and accountability is what the HomeBuilders parent series is built around.\u00a0 You're going to have a session where you talk about a hot topic like consequences \u2013 all types of consequences.\u00a0 Then you're going to have a make-a-date, where the husband and wife, mom and dad, go out on a date before the next HomeBuilders session, all right?\u00a0 And the make-a-date sometimes will be more profitable even than the interaction with the other parents.\u00a0 Because you take a subject like consequences, and I'm opening my HomeBuilders at this point to the make-a-date, and it's got a list of rewards and praises for your child, a list of punishments, and a list here for couples to look at and begin to hammer out, \"What are we going to reward our children with,\" and \"What are we going to punish our children with.\"\u00a0 And find other solutions other than just spanking, other than just getting angry, other than just threatening them, and instead step back into your children's lives with a purposeful plan.<\/p>\n<p>Now, you're not going to do it perfectly, but take, for instance, the issue of rewards, which is a part of this Bible study on consequences.\u00a0 We have a list here of all types of ways you can reward your child when he does something right -- a spoken word of praise or affirmation, physical affection, notes and cards, fun activities, dinner at your child's favorite restaurant, special date with mom or dad, throw a special celebration, earn points or tickets for good choices and a good attitude, and on it goes -- a chart, increased privileges, and there's other ideas here that I'm not going to get into, but the point is that a couple can agree on their approach, Bob, and that's what happens to a lot of couples.\u00a0 They get worn out in the process of raising kids, and they can't be creative, and they don't have other ideas or solutions, and a small group like HomeBuilders can meet and, all of a sudden, they can be refreshed, and they can have a little island of clarity in the midst of this sea of confusion and say, \"You know what?\u00a0 We can win at this game called parenting.\"<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0We used to have some round black magnets on the refrigerator, and the black dots became \u2013 you had to put them under your name if you'd done something wrong, and if you got so many black dots during the week there were consequences \u2013 or if you didn't have any, there was benefit.\u00a0 You do those kinds of things, and that's all a part of shaping character.\u00a0 It's really modifying behavior.\u00a0 What you're really going for with discipline is not just a change in behavior, but a change in the heart attitude, and that's why I appreciate, in these studies, you keep driving parents back to the Scriptures and back to getting to the heart of the child, not simply to the behavior of the child.\u00a0 Because we can raise little hypocrites, can't we?\u00a0 But we've got to make sure that more than just the behavior is cured, but the heart is cured.<\/p>\n<p>Let me ask you this \u2013 the two of you could have sat down and written a book on the subject of disciplining your children, and you may do that someday, but if you had the choice between sending your children a book on how to discipline their children or getting them involved in a HomeBuilders group to go through this study with other parents their age, which would you pick?<\/p>\n<p>Barbara:\u00a0I think I'd pick the study, because I think what a group does for you, a group of people who are at the same life stage, and you're going through the same things together, it's like a support group.\u00a0 You encourage one another, you can hold each other accountable, you give each other ideas, and it gives you hope and courage to hang in there, whereas a book is just a one-person or maybe two people reading the book, and there is not as much interaction.\u00a0 I think a group is absolutely the way to go.<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0No question about it \u2013 10 times out of 10 times, I'd want my son or daughter and their spouse to sit in a group of three or four, five couples, and interact around the Scriptures around a well-designed Bible study that will walk them through the process of not only where they came from and the kind of discipline they had in their homes that they grew up in, but now, as they come together as a couple, with one, two, three children or more, how are they going to hammer out their game plan now, as parents, and what are going to be their consequences for disrespectful behavior?\u00a0 And how are you going to reward your children?<\/p>\n<p>And, as a couple \u2013 well, I'll tell you this story \u2013 recently I was on the phone with three young men that I'm mentoring, and I gave them \u2013 well, I gave them a question.\u00a0 I said, \"I will answer any question you guys want to ask about sex in marriage.\"\u00a0 Well, I knew they'd be on time for this meeting, and when they showed up for the phone call when I talk to them, did you know that there was not a single question about that subject.\u00a0 The questions were all about this right here \u2026<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0\u2026 disciplining your children.<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0About disciplining your children and how do I, as a young man, lead my wife and love her and help her and get on the same page as her, and we spent an hour talking about these issues, encouraging these young men to lead their wives spiritually.\u00a0 And there are some moms, right now, listening to this broadcast saying, \"Man, I would love for my husband to lead me.\"\u00a0 Well, you know what?\u00a0 Find a group of people that you think he'd fit with and get him in a HomeBuilders group.\u00a0 It might even be the opportunity to see him come to faith in Christ where he has rejected Christianity, he's refused to go to church.\u00a0 This need may be so great in your family that maybe the pain of a whining child will drive you all to a small group of people who can encourage one another as parents.<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0Mm-hm, and the thing about this subject is, this goes on and on and on.<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0Yeah, it's not just for parents of toddlers.\u00a0 This was written for parents all the way through the teenage years, because boundaries don't go away.<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0And you also don't fix this in a week.\u00a0 I mean, you talked about your son and your daughter and their grandchild, and now things are 10 times better \u2013 that's just temporary right?<\/p>\n<p>Barbara:\u00a0That's right.<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0The next issue is just around the corner, or this one is going to re-emerge \u2026<\/p>\n<p>Barbara:\u00a0\u2026 it will re-emerge \u2026<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0\u2026 and, as parents, we get exhausted \u2026<\/p>\n<p>Barbara:\u00a0\u2026 exhausted \u2026<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0In fact, I think discipline and consequences and holding the line is maybe the most exhausting part of parenting.<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0I think you're on target, Bob.<\/p>\n<p>Barbara:\u00a0I couldn't agree more.<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0I've talked to parents, you know, to moms who have said, \"I'm home with the child.\u00a0 This is the sixth time today the child has been in time out.\u00a0 It's, like, as soon as we get the thing done, and the discipline is over, a half an hour later the same behavior re-emerges.\"\u00a0 And, as a parent, you just want to go, \"This is not working.\"<\/p>\n<p>Barbara:\u00a0When are you going to get it?<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0Uh-huh, but we've got to stay faithful to it, and that's why not only can biblical material help, but a group \u2013 somebody you can call and say, \"Okay, I just put my child in time out for the sixth time today, I'm about to go crazy \u2013 help.\"\u00a0 And to have another parent who can say, \"I've been there,\" or \"I am there, too,\" that can be all the refreshment, the load-lightening you need.<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0And a group of people who can say, \"Could I pray for you?\"\u00a0 Pray for you all as a couple and, you know, prayer works.\u00a0 I've said it many times \u2013 God loves the prayer of the helpless parent, and if it takes that to get you dependent upon Him and looking to Him and the Scriptures for solution, then maybe that's a good thing.<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0You know, we've got a lot of folks who are listening this week, heard us talk about getting in one of these groups, getting some other parents together, and they think, \"I would love to be in a group like this, but we could never start one, we could never lead one.\u00a0 We're too dysfunctional to lead a group like this or to start one.\"<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0Nah \u2013 now, if you can carry on a conversation, you can lead one of these.\u00a0 The reason is \u2013 people want to talk about these issues.\u00a0 You don't have to be an expert.\u00a0 This material is designed in such a way that, I'm not kidding, if you can carry on a conversation with another person, you can guide people through the HomeBuilders parents series.\u00a0 It is virtually self-led material.\u00a0 The group will take off.\u00a0 In fact, if anything happens, you're going to find it will be difficult to finish all 12 questions that are in each session, and that's 90 minutes.\u00a0 People today, Bob, are wanting what you talked about and have been talking about all week.\u00a0 They want community, they want another parent to relate to who will listen to them and affirm them and encourage them.\u00a0 And you simply don't have to be seminary trained, you don't have to be a small group leader, you just need to have enough courage to step out and to call \u2013 get the material, and get a group together and start one of these groups.<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0You not only don't have to be seminary trained, you don't have to be doing it right yourself, because most of us aren't.<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0The authors didn't.<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0And you don't have to have been a Christian for years and years.\u00a0 If you're new to the faith, again, the material will point you in the right direction.\u00a0 It's not up to you to do that.\u00a0 There are six studies in the HomeBuilders parenting series, and we're calling on our listeners to join the FamilyLife parenting revolution by putting a group together and seeing if we can't change the paradigm for a lot of Christian parents all around the country.<\/p>\n<p>Call 1-800-FLTODAY.\u00a0 That's 1-800-F-as-in-family, L-as-in-life, and then the word TODAY or go online at FamilyLife.com.\u00a0 The information you need about the studies is available there.\u00a0 You can see all six titles, decide which one would be the right one to start a group with, and then let's kick it off.\u00a0 Let's see if we can't get a bunch of folks involved and getting together and going through these studies, because we think it can make a difference not only in your family but in the lives of the next generation.<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0Here is a quote from James \u2013 how do you pronounce the name of that California town, Bob?<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0Paso Robles.<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0Thank you.\u00a0 I knew your San Antonio connection would pay off.\u00a0 He said this \u2013 \"Our marriage is based on a firm foundation in Christ.\u00a0 Homebuilders puts the finishing touches on the home.\u00a0 Sometimes the old wallpaper needs to come down.\u00a0 HomeBuilders gives us the tools to help strip it off.\"<\/p>\n<p>I like that, because you know what?\u00a0 You do sometimes need a tool to do some remodeling, and HomeBuilders is a great tool for every family.<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0And this month we're trying to add a special incentive to make that happen.\u00a0 All of our HomeBuilders titles, both in the parenting series and in the HomeBuilders couples series for married couples \u2013 all of these resources are 25 percent off the regular price from now until the end of the month of August.\u00a0 So a little extra incentive for you to get things started with your friends or your neighbors.\u00a0 Call us at 1-800-FLTODAY.\u00a0 That's 1-800-F-as-in-family, L-as-in-life, and then the word TODAY.<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0And I already know what our listeners are thinking.<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0Yeah?<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0Do not send your toddler to our house.<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0To the whine-free zone?<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0To the no-whine zone.\u00a0 We are now empty-nesters.<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0Papa, can't you fix this for us?<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0We are now empty-nesters, and we have five grandchildren of our own, thank you.<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0You could fund your retirement with \"A Day in the Whine-Free Zone.\"\u00a0 A couple of hundred bucks for that \u2013 there would be a lot of takers.<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0I'll tell you what, now, if they'll become a Legacy Partner \u2026<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0\u2026 we can talk \u2026<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0I think we might take a kid or two.<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a01-800-FLTODAY, the number to call, or go online at FamilyLife.com.<\/p>\n<p>Hope you have a great weekend, hope you and your family are able to worship together in church this weekend, and I hope you can join us back on Monday when Tim Stafford is going to be here.\u00a0 We're going to talk about what you can do to avoid comparison with other families and how you can zero in on your own family values, the goals you want to set for your family.\u00a0 I hope you can join us for that.<\/p>\n<p>I want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team.\u00a0 On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 We'll see you Monday for another edition of FamilyLife Today.<\/p>\n<p>FamilyLife Today is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas, a ministry of Campus Crusade for Christ.<\/p>\n<p>________________________________________________________________<\/p>\n<p>We are so happy to provide these transcripts to you.\u00a0 However, there is a cost to transcribe, create, and produce them for our website.\u00a0 If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would\u00a0\u00a0 you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/site\/c.dnJHKLNnFoG\/b.3782043\/k.384D\/Support_Us.htm\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?<\/p>\n<p>Copyright \u00a9 FamilyLife.\u00a0 All rights reserved.<\/p>\n<p><a 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