{"id":300648,"date":"2004-06-25T11:00:00","date_gmt":"2004-06-25T15:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/finding-freedom-from-domestic-abuse\/"},"modified":"2024-12-06T17:26:51","modified_gmt":"2024-12-06T22:26:51","slug":"finding-freedom-from-domestic-abuse","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/finding-freedom-from-domestic-abuse\/","title":{"rendered":"Finding Freedom From Domestic Abuse"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Ten years into the marriage, Nancy decided it was time for her and her children to leave the abuse routinely initiated by her husband. Now the executive director of Northwest Family Life Learning and Counseling Center, Nancy helps others find freedom from domestic violence. Joining her today is author, counselor, and founder of Wounded Heart Ministries, Dr. Dan Allender.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Ten years into the marriage, Nancy decided it was time to leave the abuse routinely initiated by her husband.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"audio","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2004-06-25.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:","filesize":"11.41M","filesize_raw":"11967323","date_recorded":"2004-06-25 11:00:00","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2860],"tags":[2949,4393],"podcast_series":[7313],"cwp_profile":[3437,8896],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-300648","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-hardship-and-suffering","tag-abuse","tag-domestic-abuse","podcast_series-finding-freedom-from-domestic-abuse","cwp_profile-dan-allender","cwp_profile-nancy-murphy","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/300648\/finding-freedom-from-domestic-abuse","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/300648\/finding-freedom-from-domestic-abuse","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"yQxewBdBLY\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/finding-freedom-from-domestic-abuse\/\">Finding Freedom From Domestic Abuse<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/finding-freedom-from-domestic-abuse\/embed\/#?secret=yQxewBdBLY\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Finding Freedom From Domestic Abuse&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"yQxewBdBLY\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":["https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg",508,508,false]},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"kfairris@familylife.com","author_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/author\/kfairrisfamilylife-com\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"Ten years into the marriage, Nancy decided it was time to leave the abuse routinely initiated by her husband.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2004-06-25.pdf","transcript_content":"<p>\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0After years of experiencing domestic violence, Nancy Murphy's marriage came to a crisis point.<\/p>\n<p>Nancy:\u00a0It was when I got pregnant with her that everything started to change, and, you know, I would be punched and kicked and stuff when I was pregnant, and that's most women's stories as well.\u00a0 It's a tragic story.\u00a0 Do you know that violence escalates during pregnancy?\u00a0 It's a time that he's got her all to himself.\u00a0 She's not going to leave.\u00a0 She's dependent on him, where is she going to get the money from?\u00a0 Many babies are lost during pregnancy.<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0This is FamilyLife Today for Friday, June 25th.\u00a0 Our host is the president of FamilyLife, Dennis Rainey, and I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 We\u2019ll find out today where Nancy Murphy found hope in the midst of a dark marriage.\u00a0 Stay with us.<\/p>\n<p>And welcome to FamilyLife Today, thanks for joining us.\u00a0 In too many families, in too many homes, in this country and around the world, there is domestic violence taking place.\u00a0 Maybe not daily or weekly, but if it takes place once, it's too often, and we're going to be talking about that subject again today, and I just want to alert our listeners to that.\u00a0 You may decide that this is something that younger children don't need to hear or be exposed to.\u00a0 I just want to make you aware of that.\u00a0 It's a shocking subject and one that I think we need a wake-up call on, Dennis.<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0I think we do, and I think the Christian community is poised because we have solutions to offer that work.\u00a0 The Bible is not a storybook.\u00a0 It's about the reality of how God has pierced time and has stepped onto the planet and offers hope for broken people and people who experience domestic violence are broken, and they need help and hope.<\/p>\n<p>I'm reminded of Micah, one of my favorite passages in all the Old Testament \u2013 Micah, chapter 6, verse 8 \u2013 \"He has told you, O Man, what is good.\u00a0 What does the Lord require of you but to do justice, to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God.\"\u00a0 And as we talk about the subject of domestic violence, think about those three \u2013 to do justice.\u00a0 Yeah.\u00a0 There does need to be justice in that situation; to love kindness \u2013 there has to be an appropriate caring and compassionate approach to both the abused and even the abuser; and, third, to walk humbly with your God, and how can anybody correct or bring help or hope to another person if they don't walk humbly with him.<\/p>\n<p>And over the past couple of days, we have heard a riveting story from Nancy Murphy and, along with her friend, Dr. Dan Allender, both from Seattle, Washington, just around the whole subject of domestic violence and how it impacted Nancy's life and Nancy, Dan, welcome back to FamilyLife Today.<\/p>\n<p>Dan:\u00a0Good to be with you.<\/p>\n<p>Nancy:\u00a0Thank you.<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0Nancy is the executive director of Northwest FamilyLife Learning and Counseling Center, which is a nonprofit agency right there in Seattle, dedicated to assisting individuals and families who are facing domestic violence, and Dr. Allender is the president of Mars Hill Graduate School, and they're offering a brand-new program that we're really pleased to help announce for the Christian community.\u00a0 It's a certificate in domestic violence advocacy, and it's a 12-credit-hour course, is that correct?<\/p>\n<p>Dan:\u00a0Yes, it is, Dennis.\u00a0 It's six courses of two hours each that address the issues of both advocacy dealing with the abuser, dealing with the victim, understanding something of the issues of what causes abuse to begin with, and then, as well, giving you a chance to get supervised care as you prepare to work with those who have been abused.<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0Nancy, over the past couple of days, we've heard more of your story of how you married a man who abused you.\u00a0 It started on your honeymoon, on the third day.\u00a0 It continued on for 10 years, is that right?\u00a0 You had how many children?<\/p>\n<p>Nancy:\u00a0Three children.<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0Tell us, what was it that finally was the proverbial straw that broke you to the point of saying, \"You know what?\u00a0 I have to get out of here.\u00a0 I have to receive help and hope.\"<\/p>\n<p>Nancy:\u00a0Well, I think for 10 years I had that sense of urgency \u2013 \"I have to get out of here.\"\u00a0 But I had such torn feelings because of my theology.\u00a0 So I also felt that I had to stay.<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0Now, wait a sec \u2013 you're saying your theology was actually keeping you in a place where you were being abused?<\/p>\n<p>Nancy:\u00a0It was.\u00a0 I looked to the Scriptures \u2013 what do I do as a Christian woman, as a wife?\u00a0 How do I address this issue?\u00a0 And it says so clearly in 1 Peter, chapter 3 \u2013 \"Wives, in the same way, be submissive to your husbands.\u00a0 So if any of them do not believe the Word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives,\" and it goes on, and it says, in the same way.\u00a0 So if you read up above it, in the same way, it says, \"To this you were called.\u00a0 Because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example that you should follow in His steps.\u00a0 He committed no sin and no deceit was found in his mouth.\"<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0Actually, when you read that passage, I believe it says, \"While being reviled, he did not revile in return.\"<\/p>\n<p>Nancy:\u00a0That's exactly.\u00a0 It says, \"When they hurled their insults at them, He did not retaliate.\u00a0 And when He suffered, He made no threats.\u00a0 Instead, He entrusted Himself to the One who judges justly,\" and it goes on there. That was our example.<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0That's the context.\u00a0 And so you read that and go if I\u2019m going to be Christ-like, I'm going to stay here and allow my husband to revile and to make threats and ultimately to bring harm to me, because Christ was put to death on the cross, and maybe God will win him by my being submissive and by my having a gentle and quiet spirit.<\/p>\n<p>Nancy:\u00a0That's what it says, and that's how I read it.<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0All right, so that's what it says.\u00a0 What's wrong with that approach?<\/p>\n<p>Nancy:\u00a0Well, it took me years to understand, and my father actually said to me at one point, he said, \"Are you suffering for Christ's sake?\u00a0 Is this your idea of suffering?\u00a0 Because you can take that too far.\u00a0 Do you understand that Christ did it willingly?\u00a0 He was obedient to the cross.\u00a0 That was His calling.\u00a0 That's not a wife's calling.\"\u00a0 And at the time I kind of felt sorry for him because my poor dad was losing his faith.\u00a0 He wasn't \"properly\" dividing the Word of God.\u00a0 You know, I didn't know \u2013 I couldn't make sense of the Scriptures, but I hung onto this, thinking that maybe there was something about me \u2013 if I lived my life in a certain way, that Mike would change.<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0Dan, let me go back to 1 Peter, chapter 2 and chapter 3 and the verses that we've read here and what Nancy says this was the Word of God calling me to stay in my marriage.\u00a0 What was wrong with her interpretation of that passage?<\/p>\n<p>Dan:\u00a0Well, I see it as reflecting back up in 1 Peter 2, where it's speaking about the fact that here is Jesus who had every right to bring justice and didn't; who had every right to, in one sense, get off the cross and chose not to.\u00a0 He didn't assault, but does that mean \u2013 an assault \u2013 mean that there is no place for naming, opening the door to the reality of what is there.\u00a0 Of course, not.\u00a0 I think if Nancy had had someone walk her through the passage and say, \"There is something different between exposing and reviling.\"\u00a0 Exposure is where the light of God enters darkness, and human hearts don't change unless the darkness is dispelled by naming what is true.<\/p>\n<p>So what do I do when I'm bound into that moment?\u00a0 I do what the Scriptures tell me to do \u2013 encourage one another day after day lest you be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin \u2013 Hebrews 3, verse 13 is telling me the word \"encouragement\" is exposure of what is there in order to invite the person to having a different kind of heart.<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0Nancy, I have to ask you, is it possible \u2013 in your experience, do you think this is possible \u2013 that a wife would go to her pastor and would fabricate \u2013 she wouldn't say \u2013 she's mad at her husband, she wants to do something to bring harm to him.\u00a0 She would go and say, \"Pastor, you need to know my husband is beating me,\" and it's not true.\u00a0 She is trying to malign him.\u00a0 The reason I ask this is because oftentimes a pastor will have a woman come in his office and say here's what's happening at home.\u00a0 He'll go to the husband, and the husband will say, \"Pastor, she's delusional.\u00a0 I don't know what to do,\" and here is the guy going, \"Who do I believe?\"\u00a0 I'm imagining that nine times out of 10 the woman is telling the truth, isn't she?<\/p>\n<p>Nancy:\u00a0Yes, it's more predictable the other way around, but when she is coming, she is really minimizing her experience.\u00a0 She is only telling such a small portion of what she has really experienced.\u00a0 Every man who has ever come through a treatment center says, \"But I'm not violent.\"\u00a0 It is a predictable statement \u2013 \"But I'm not violent.\"\u00a0 And when I hear that statement, it always breaks my heart to think, \"I wonder what kind of violence he witnessed or he is exposed to that he would not call what he just told me of violence.\"<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0As you've told your story, repeatedly I hear a process of denial that's very similar to those who are addicts of drugs and of alcohol.\u00a0 There are the abusers who deny they have a problem \u2013 \"I'm not violent.\u00a0 I don't have a problem.\u00a0 She's got the problem.\"\u00a0 And there is the wife who is, in her fear, protecting him from reality.\u00a0 Now, in your situation, your father actually was one of the people that your husband abused.\u00a0 You said your husband actually hit how many people?<\/p>\n<p>Nancy:\u00a0Over 80.<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0Eighty?<\/p>\n<p>Nancy:\u00a0Yes, and I never knew that.\u00a0 See, this is the thing \u2013 I think women who are battered have what has been called \"post-traumatic stress disorder,\" and so they kind of compartmentalize all the experiences.<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0Did he ever hit your children.<\/p>\n<p>Nancy:\u00a0That's the impetus to leave.\u00a0 He would ask that question, and I tried to avoid it because it's such a heartbreak.\u00a0 I can remember, even when I pregnant with my first, I just wished I could \u2013 I tried to abort them, you know, by myself, and my husband was yelling, \"What kind of a Christian are you doing \u2013 you know, you're supposed to be standing for life,\" and it's like what kind of a life am I going to bring my child into?\u00a0 And \u2026<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0\u2026 when you say you tried to abort your children, that was because of the fear of bringing your children into an abusive home?<\/p>\n<p>Nancy:\u00a0It's so crazy, and on the outside we were so well respected, and we were well-liked, and so it's what happened inside our home was so far different from the life that we lived in Christian community.\u00a0 So it was my youngest one.\u00a0 You know, my oldest one \u2013 Mike really loved Andrew, and he loved him passionately, and so we didn't have any abuse during those first years that Andrew was born.<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0Did that boy see him abuse you, however?<\/p>\n<p>Nancy:\u00a0Yeah, yeah, he's gone on to see lots of that, and then my daughter, when she was born, it was when I got pregnant with her that everything started to change and, you know, I would be punched and kicked and stuff when I was pregnant, and that's most women's stories, as well.\u00a0 It's a tragic story.\u00a0 Do you know that violence escalates during pregnancy?\u00a0 It's a time that he's got her all to himself.\u00a0 She's not going to leave.\u00a0 She's dependent on him.\u00a0 Where is she going to get the money from?\u00a0 Many babies are lost during pregnancy.\u00a0 March of Dimes tells us that the leading cause for birth defects is domestic violence.\u00a0 It's an outrageous thing.\u00a0 You think, too, that there is so much that goes into that, but my daughter, when she was born, she naturally was distant from him.\u00a0 She didn't want to be around him, and we were driving away from the hospital, and she was three days old and five pounds \u2013 five pounds, two ounces, and sitting in the back in a little box because he didn't want to have her in the car seat, and she was sucking these two fingers, and she looked so cute, she was just tiny, and he turned around, and he smacked her so hard and said, \"And when I yelled, I was leaning, Mike, he said, you know, \"No kid of mine is going to have buck teeth,\" and started to drive crazy, and I couldn't go back and comfort her, and she just had to cry herself out and, you know \u2026<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0\u2026 you're talking about a newborn?<\/p>\n<p>Nancy:\u00a0A newborn baby \u2013 just five pounds.\u00a0 And then \u2013 the stories are on and on, they're immense.\u00a0 There's multiple layers of dependency and fear and shame that play into that.\u00a0 And then there's the hope, you know, the hope springs eternal, they say, and it's \"God, where are you?\"\u00a0 And that's when the promises come.\u00a0 I didn't know the promises weren't real.\u00a0 I still hadn't realized that.\u00a0 But one day Daniel, my youngest son, he was really darling, and he was just about a year old, minding his own business, playing with his own toys, and Mike was, all of a sudden, \"got into one of his moods,\" and he looked out the window, and he says, \"I don't have any friends.\"\u00a0 And here is somebody very likable, very charming, and I said, \"Mike, we're your friends.\"\u00a0 Like, little Andrew wanted to go fishing with his dad, Heidi's there, and Danny, and we're all there.\u00a0 We still loved him.\u00a0 And he goes, \"Well, you guys are nothing.\"\u00a0 And put his foot in Danny's stomach, and he just kicked him all the way down this hallway, you know, so that little boy's head banged against the door, and he walked off, and got in the car and drove away for a couple of weeks, went to town.\u00a0 The next thing I know, my pastor and his wife were there, and they just said, \"Nancy, come here.\u00a0 Where's Tom?\"\u00a0 I said, \"He's gone to town,\" and they said, \"Write a note and tell him that you'll be back.\"\u00a0 And they wrapped us up and put us on a plane to a little community and said, \"You know, you're not leaving him, you're just going away for a couple of weeks.\u00a0 Whatever is happening here, we can't stand.\u00a0 We don't like, you know, and that's it.\"<\/p>\n<p>I went there for a couple of weeks.\u00a0 Then we went to see a counselor.\u00a0 My first time to see a counselor, and I told the guy what had happened, and I said, \"Is it okay to be away from my husband for a couple of weeks?\"\u00a0 And he said, \"Nancy, given what you've told me, you should go away for nine months.\u00a0 That's how long it takes to conceive a child, and you need to think about having a new life.\u00a0 We'll find a safe place for nine months that's good and come back in a week.\"\u00a0 So that was a tremendous week for the kids and I.\u00a0 We went to the park, we did all the stuff, and we were free, and a week later I went back to see this guy, and I walked into the office, and there was Mike.\u00a0 And I said, \"What are you doing here?\"\u00a0 And he had called all around to find out, you know, where I was.\u00a0 And so they told him the time that I'd be there, and he said to the counselor, \"Isn't she beautiful?\u00a0 Isn't she great?\"\u00a0 You know, and he put his arm around me and said, \"I've missed you so much,\" and I looked at him, and I said to the counselor, \"Well, what do you think?\"\u00a0 And he says, \"Nancy, I know what you told me must have been true, but I don't see any violence in this man.\u00a0 He really loves you.\"\u00a0 And Mike just went \"Yay,\" and he put his hands up in victory, and he says, \"I'll be right back.\"\u00a0 And he went out to the parking lot where the kids were sleeping in the car, and when I said goodbye to the counselor, I can't tell you the feeling of trapped and betrayal that I felt.\u00a0 Got out to the car, and Mike had woken up the children and said, \"Daddy's back, we're back,\" and I got in the car, and that was it.\u00a0 It was another year before I could find a way to get away.<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0A year?\u00a0 Did he abuse you again?<\/p>\n<p>Nancy:\u00a0Yes, of course, because things never get better without help.\u00a0 They only get worse.<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0And the kids?<\/p>\n<p>Nancy:\u00a0He didn't hurt the kids physically, but emotionally and the things \u2013 the ways that they watched the things that they saw, they hurt.<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0And I think, as we hear the story today, if there is a message for a woman who is in the position you were in, it is \u2013 get to a safe place for a long time.\u00a0 Not that God can't do a healing, redeeming work in your marriage or in the heart of your abusive husband \u2013 that's possible, certainly, and we believe the Gospel is gloriously able to transform, but it's going to be a process, and you need to be a safe place for a long time to start that process.\u00a0 And if you want the transformation in the heart of the abusive husband, you start it by getting to a safe place and forcing him to a place where he's got to come to grips with his issues.<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0And you need a safe place that is equipped.\u00a0 I think of that counselor \u2013 if that counselor had understood what was at stake there \u2013 that counselor sent you back into harm's way.\u00a0 That counselor, if he had received some equipping and some ability to understand the nature of the abuser and of the abused, could have taken a resource like yours, Nancy, \"God's Reconciling Love,\" and used that to have been a part of providing the safety and security that you needed at that time.<\/p>\n<p>I want Bob to share with our listeners how folks can get a copy of this and also further information on our website, but before we're done here, I want you to finish telling the rest of your story \u2013 how you did decide to step out of that dangerous situation and receive hope and healing.<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0The resource you're talking about is a handbook that Nancy has put together for pastors and for other care professionals, counselors and others who might deal with those involved in abuse, and, again, it's called \"God's Reconciling Love.\"\u00a0 We've got it available in our FamilyLife Resource Center along with a booklet that we've put together called \"A Way of Hope,\" for a person who is in the midst of abuse.\u00a0 It offers some very concrete, specific direction on what to do to break free from this.\u00a0 Both of these are available in our FamilyLife Resource Center, and you can contact us at 1-800-FLTODAY for more information on how you can obtain copies.\u00a0 \"The Way of Hope\" mini-book is also available in Spanish, and the text of the mini-book is available on our website at FamilyLife.com.\u00a0 You can also order these resources online.<\/p>\n<p>Just go to our website at FamilyLife.com, and you will find there a link to the graduate program that Mars Hill Graduate School has put together that is designed to help caregivers and pastors, others who are involved in counseling, to certify them to deal not only with abuse victims but with abusers.\u00a0 Again, there is a link on our website at FamilyLife.com that can get you the information from Mars Hill Graduate School.\u00a0 So simply stop by our website, and the information is available there.<\/p>\n<p>You know, I'm a little exhausted by what we've talked about this week, but I think we've offered, perhaps, a fresh sense of hope.<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0I feel like what Dr. Allender and Nancy Murphy have done is uncover, really, the wound \u2013 a wound that's in the church.\u00a0 A tremendous place that needs healing, it needs help, it needs attention, and it's providing safety for women \u2013 primarily for women.<\/p>\n<p>Nancy:\u00a0And their children.<\/p>\n<p>Dennis:\u00a0And the children, that's exactly right, and the church needs to aggressively address this.\u00a0 It's an opportunity for us to have solutions, and, I think, present the Gospel \u2013 present the redeeming power of the Gospel to people who are broken and who ought to look to the church for help, who are presently maybe looking to secular agencies.\u00a0 And it's not that they don't provide help and hope \u2013 they do.\u00a0 But the caring of the soul is ultimately of a need that needs to be addressed.<\/p>\n<p>Nancy, you've told a story, as Bob said, that has been riveting, over the past couple of days.\u00a0 How did you finally get out of that situation?<\/p>\n<p>Nancy:\u00a0Well, I got a divorce, but the divorce didn't end the violence.\u00a0 He would still break into the house and make statements like, \"You're my wife,\" and he'd go on from there.<\/p>\n<p>So finally I left for the United States.\u00a0 I'm Canadian, and when I went across the line, it was a place that I knew he didn't \u2013 excuse me \u2013 like Americans or like the city.\u00a0 He was afraid of both.\u00a0 And so I thought that I would be safe there and that the Lord was directing me there.\u00a0 I can only live in the United States and go to school, so I attended Seattle Pacific University and finished a degree, but I had no money and no place to live.\u00a0 And, you know, the Scriptures where the Lord will provide and never see His children begging for bread, so it was a walk of faith.\u00a0 It's, like, okay here we go.<\/p>\n<p>And four men that I'd met on a trip years ago had said to me, \"If you're ever in Seattle, why don't you stop by?\"\u00a0 So we stopped by, and I never told them my story, I never told them my circumstances, but at the end of the weekend they asked if the kids and I would like to live with them while I went to school.\u00a0 And I was so afraid.\u00a0 I said, \"I don't like men well enough to live with one of them, let alone four of you.\"\u00a0 And they got down on their knees, and this one guy, in particular, a Marine, he said, \"Nancy, the Scriptures say that our religion is worthless if we don't look after the widows and the orphans.\"\u00a0 And I said, \"I'm not a widow.\u00a0 I'm a divorced woman.\u00a0 My children aren't orphans, they have parents.\"\u00a0 He said, \"That's a technicality.\"\u00a0 And I looked at him, and he was so concerned.\u00a0 He said, \"Seriously, Nancy, we really want you to live with us.\"\u00a0 It took a couple of days for me to make that decision, but it felt like the Lord's only provision.<\/p>\n<p>Well, the kids and I lived with them for five years and during that time I never had to sleep with them or cook for them or be friends with them or anything.\u00a0 They simply gave us a safe place to live.\u00a0 The room had no windows, but they built us a three-story bunkbed for the kids to sleep in, and I had a little bed and had no closets or mirrors.\u00a0 But we were safe, and we were together.\u00a0 It was tremendous.<\/p>\n<p>And I finished my bachelor's degree and my master's degree, and I went through a counseling program for domestic violence and found an awful lot of healing.\u00a0 My kids went into Little League, and there was a coach, who was a great coach, and he spoke so much peace and happiness into my son's life \u2013 Andrew \u2013 and I thought he was married.\u00a0 He thought I certainly had to be married to one of those four guys, you know, and so we had this friendship for about a year.\u00a0 And ended up finding out that we went to the same church.\u00a0 We went out together for three years, and he went through a program, too, just to make sure that he knew how to do friendship.\u00a0 He had been broken and wounded, and so we went to a \"Learning to Live, Learning to Love,\" program and during that time we learned about friendship and about trust and this year we're going to be married 10 years.<\/p>\n<p>There has been no abuse in our marriage \u2013 none whatsoever.\u00a0 There has been no violence, there has been no pain.\u00a0 It's really tremendous.\u00a0 It's been healing for both of us and for all of our children, and it's been a truly great experience.\u00a0 And as the director of Northwest FamilyLife, I've been there for nine years as the director, to work with men who are willing to change their life is wonderful.\u00a0 People say, \"How can you do it?\"\u00a0 I have children that I raised with so much violence and so much abuse, and I know the odds for them, and we can't stop working for the kids' sake, for kids who have been wounded.\u00a0 We have women and children that we help with resources and counseling, because we know that without long-term help, the women who have been abused will go on into more abusive relationships or become abusive as well.\u00a0 That's not okay.\u00a0 That's not a good representation of God's love, and we need to understand that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us, God loves us.<\/p>\n<p>Bob:\u00a0FamilyLife Today is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas, a ministry of Campus Crusade for Christ.<\/p>\n<p><strong>NOTE:<\/strong>\u00a0 Some names have been changed in this transcript.<\/p>\n<p>________________________________________________________________<\/p>\n<p>We are so happy to provide these transcripts to you.\u00a0 However, there is a cost to transcribe, create, and produce them for our website.\u00a0 If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would\u00a0\u00a0 you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/site\/c.dnJHKLNnFoG\/b.3782043\/k.384D\/Support_Us.htm\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?<\/p>\n<p>Copyright \u00a9 FamilyLife.\u00a0 All rights reserved.<\/p>\n<p><a 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