{"id":300644,"date":"2004-06-23T11:00:00","date_gmt":"2004-06-23T15:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/the-abuse-begins\/"},"modified":"2024-10-07T22:47:12","modified_gmt":"2024-10-08T02:47:12","slug":"the-abuse-begins","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/the-abuse-begins\/","title":{"rendered":"The Abuse Begins"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Nancy Murphy talks about the domestic abuse she endured at the hands of her former husband.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2004-06-23.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:","filesize":"11.41M","filesize_raw":"11967114","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2860],"tags":[2949,4393,4728],"podcast_series":[7313],"cwp_profile":[3437,8896],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-300644","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-hardship-and-suffering","tag-abuse","tag-domestic-abuse","tag-wife-abuse","podcast_series-finding-freedom-from-domestic-abuse","cwp_profile-dan-allender","cwp_profile-nancy-murphy","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/300644\/the-abuse-begins","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/300644\/the-abuse-begins","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"TqAUfoBYKv\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/the-abuse-begins\/\">The Abuse Begins<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/the-abuse-begins\/embed\/#?secret=TqAUfoBYKv\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;The Abuse Begins&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"TqAUfoBYKv\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var 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husband.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2004-06-23.pdf","transcript_content":"<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\u00ad\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0A honeymoon is supposed to be a time of celebration for a new husband and his wife.\u00a0 For Nancy Murphy, her honeymoon was the beginning of a 10-year nightmare.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNancy:\u00a0We were on a deserted island, and we had been dropped off on this place that I had loved all of my life, and so here is Mike and I alone on our honeymoon in somebody else's home.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0The third morning I woke up, and I'd had a bad dream, so I said, \"Hey, I'll be right back.\u00a0 I'm just going to go on the beach, and I'll be right back.\"\u00a0 And I heard him say in a menacing tone I'd never heard before, \"You're not going anywhere.\"\u00a0 And I looked at him, and he was still half asleep, and I said, \"No, I just had a bad dream.\u00a0 I need to go have a walk with the Lord, and I'll be right back.\"\u00a0 He came after me, and he said, \"How come you left the room?\"\u00a0 And I said, \"I had this really bad dream, and I just wanted to\" \u2013 and then all of a sudden I got smacked, and that was my first time.\u00a0 It was with a clenched fist in the face as hard as he could, and it was just one blow after another after another.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0This is FamilyLife Today for Wednesday, June 23rd.\u00a0 Our host is the president of FamilyLife, Dennis Rainey, and I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 What happened on Nancy Murphy's honeymoon left her confused and wondering \u2013 how do I respond?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And welcome to FamilyLife Today, thanks for joining us.\u00a0 We're going to be tackling a troubling and challenging subject over the next couple of days, Dennis.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0We are.\u00a0 We are going to talk about the subject of domestic violence and abuse, and to help us deal with this subject, Dr. Dan Allender and Nancy Murphy join us in the studio \u2013 Nancy, Dan, welcome to FamilyLife Today.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDan:\u00a0Good to be with you both.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNancy:\u00a0Mm-hm, I thank you for addressing this topic.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Dr. Dan Allender is the president of Mars Hill Graduate School in Seattle, Washington.\u00a0 Nancy Murphy gives leadership to the Northwest FamilyLife Learning and Counseling Center, which is a Seattle-based nonprofit agency that is \u2013 well, you really exist \u2013 not only help those affected by domestic violence but also related issues, right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNancy:\u00a0Such as trauma and chemical addiction.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0That's right.\u00a0 You know, it's interesting, as we come to this subject, one of the first couples I counseled back when FamilyLife started in 1976, was that of a man who was abusing his wife, and I'll never forget this, because I didn't know how to deal with it.\u00a0 I was starting the ministry, I was very young, they were older than me, but here was their story.\u00a0 He was a Sunday school teacher, and he was at church on Sunday morning, Sunday night, Monday night visitation, Wednesday night prayer meeting, and the other three or four nights a week he was abusing her.\u00a0 And he was hitting her in certain places in the summer where it wouldn't show, and then different places in the winter.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0It was calculated.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Absolutely.\u00a0 And I remember looking at this guy, I remember thinking, \"This is something I don't have any context to be able to understand.\u00a0 This is foreign to me.\"\u00a0 And, Dan, you'll appreciate this, as a counselor, because you and I go way back.\u00a0 This was one of these God moments, where I looked him in the eye \u2013 this guy was a body builder.\u00a0 He was probably 210, 220, a weight lifter.\u00a0 He could have broken me in half.\u00a0 But I looked at him, and I said, \"You know what?\u00a0 If you continue to deal wrongly with your wife by physically abusing her, God is going to deal with you.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Within two days he was physically hit by a train, by a locomotive.\u00a0 Not in a car \u2013 while he was walking across some railroad tracks, a locomotive hit him, knocked him 20, 30 feet in the air, and he landed on his backside, ripping out his britches.\u00a0 But evidently tenderizing his heart, because, to the best of my knowledge, he never laid another hand on his wife for the rest of his days.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And what I didn't realize was that I was getting a glimpse, Nancy, of what was back then and has now become a major issue, even in the Christian community \u2013 spousal abuse exists in the church big time, right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNancy:\u00a0That's right.\u00a0 It seems to be as prevalent in the church as it does in the secular community.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0There's not a difference?\u00a0 There's not a lower percentage in the body of Christ?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNancy:\u00a0No, there is not, and I see that as good news and bad news.\u00a0 Sadly, you know, that's a misunderstanding of God's love and perhaps it could be a good thing that our churches' doors are open now to people who have a lot of pain in their life, and we have a great opportunity.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0You come at this subject as a counselor, and as one who has studied and who leads a program to help people through this, but you also come through the door of having been a victim.\u00a0 Take us back and tell us your story.\u00a0 Did you have any idea when you married your husband what you were stepping into?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNancy:\u00a0No, I didn't.\u00a0 I went out with him for a couple of years.\u00a0 I met him when I was out at a Christian college.\u00a0 He wasn't a student, but he lived in a nearby town.\u00a0 He was a bad boy.\u00a0 He had 32 convictions before he was 16 years old.\u00a0 That's convictions \u2013 so he had quite a criminal history, but he met the Lord.\u00a0 Remember the days of the Jesus People movement?\u00a0 And really tremendous testimonies of people coming to Christ in the Dave Wilkerson and Nicky Cruz days, and those were one of the testimonies of his conversion of coming to Christ.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0So it really looked like a miracle?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNancy:\u00a0It did.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0And you thought he was a transformed man.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNancy:\u00a0Mm-hm, and in many ways he was.\u00a0 He memorized Scripture easily, he attended church, he knew all the things to say and do, and he did \u2013 he turned his back on his ways.\u00a0 So we dated for a couple of years, and when we got married, we were walking up the aisle, and my father was a missionary, and he was walking me up the aisle, and he said, \"Nancy, you will be a social worker for the rest of your life.\"\u00a0 And I looked at him, I said, \"Dad,\" you know, underneath my breath, and I said, \"Dad, why didn't you say something before?\"\u00a0 And he said, \"Well, I just don't have a good feeling about this,\" and up we went.\u00a0 I looked around, and here's all the people there, you know, we'd paid for the wedding.\u00a0 People had come by boat \u2013 this small community that we lived in, you can only get there by boat or by plane, and the place was packed, and I loved Mike, I wanted to be with him, but what a confusing moment that was.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0So, driving away after we were married, waving goodbye to everybody on the dock, I got to town \u2013 we called it \"town\" where we lived, and he had fixed up our truck so nicely and put a new, kind of a gate, on the back, and finished it up, and he was so happy to show it to me, and I thought, \"Well, I guess that's just \u2013 it's over, we're married.\"\u00a0 Twenty years old, you know, God can do everything.\u00a0 This is His institution, and away we go.\u00a0 We had two really great days.\u00a0 They were really great, but the violence started on our honeymoon.\u00a0 You can hear my voice crack \u2013 25 years ago, and it's still really fresh in me.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0On the third day of your honeymoon?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNancy:\u00a0On the third day of our honeymoon.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0What happened?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNancy:\u00a0Oh, you want the scoop on what happened.\u00a0 Okay, the third morning I woke up, and I'd had a bad dream.\u00a0 So I said, \"Hey, I'll be right back, I'm just going to go on the beach, and I'll be right back.\"\u00a0 And I heard him say in a menacing tone I'd never heard before, \"You're not going anywhere.\"\u00a0 And I looked at him, and he was still half asleep, and I said, \"No, I just had a bad dream, I need to go have a walk with the Lord, and I'll be right back.\"\u00a0 He came after me, and he said, \"How come you left the room?\"\u00a0 And I said, \"I had this really bad dream, and I just wanted to\" \u2013 and all of a sudden I got smacked, and that was my first time.\u00a0 It was with a clenched fist in the face as hard as he could, and it was just one blow after another after another.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0So it wasn't one blow?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNancy:\u00a0No, it was many.\u00a0 And when I was on the ground, I looked at him, and I pulled myself up, and I said, \"Mike,\" and I was crying by then, and he was saying words that other people say, you know, that abusive swearing.\u00a0 It had never been directed towards me.\u00a0 And our context was we were on a deserted island.\u00a0 We can only get there by boat, and we had been dropped off on this place that I had loved all of my life, and so here is Mike and I, alone on our honeymoon, in somebody else's home, and I just \u2013 I thought of all my memories.\u00a0 You know, everything just went through my head.\u00a0 This is a great place, a safe place, and I'm along with somebody who just followed me and swinging at me, and I stood up, and I took my rings off, and I looked at them, and I had the symbol of marriage, you know, that it was eternal and what was I to do and there was no boat coming for a week to get us, and I dropped into my seat thinking maybe we need to start again.\u00a0 Maybe he'll pick them up, and he'll recommit to me.\u00a0 We'll say our vows, something, but we can't be married and have this happen. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And he looked at me, and he just took off his ring, and he took the pocket testament out of his pocket that he had carried since he had made his confession of faith, and he threw both of them \u2013 the Bible and his ring \u2013 as far as he could into the ocean, and he looked at me, and he said, \"Your life will never be the same.\"\u00a0 And he walked away.\u00a0 He walked into that house, and as I lay there, and I just thought, \"What is happening?\"\u00a0 Just \u2013 not having any context, thinking like I was a fool for throwing the rings on the ground.\u00a0 What on earth?\u00a0 And I started to see windows being smashed out of this house, you know, to the very top room and he started smashing out by hand all the windows, going from room to room, and I ran into the house and screamed, \"Stop, stop, what are you doing?\u00a0 This isn't our \u2013 what are you doing?\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And he \u2013 it's a longer story than that, but to shave it down, I learned how to say the magic words that every battered woman learns to say \u2013 \"I'm sorry.\u00a0 I am so sorry.\"\u00a0 And as soon as I said those words, he calmed down, he looked at me, the tears started to flow, and he goes, \"Nancy, why did you leave the room?\u00a0 When I say something you need to obey me,\" and that was the beginning of our marriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0You know, I'm picturing my daughter, 20 years old, on her third day of her honeymoon.\u00a0 Three days ago she just walked down the aisle, and she has been told by her father that he didn't have a good feeling about this.\u00a0 And so you're left in the midst of the wedding with incredible lack of peace.\u00a0 And now, three days into it, you're beginning to live a nightmare.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNancy:\u00a0Yes.\u00a0 I didn't know what it was.\u00a0 You know, domestic violence, in my mind, happened where there was alcohol.\u00a0 There was no alcohol.\u00a0 It didn't happen in Christian homes.\u00a0 We were Christians.\u00a0 Everything just came crashing to my mind, and I just thought, \"What is this?\"\u00a0 But I had to survive.\u00a0 Now looking back I can see it.\u00a0 A boat's not coming to pick me up for four more days.\u00a0 So we're there for a while, and I have to learn to get along with him.\u00a0 It's an interesting thing.\u00a0 I didn't have time to heal, you don't have time to think, you don't have anything, but he was in the bushes, and he started to cry, and they were amazing tears.\u00a0 They were from a deep, deep place, because I'm sure he didn't like what he had just done.\u00a0 He didn't know what had happened to him.\u00a0 He didn't know.\u00a0 He had never displayed that before, and we kind of muddled through the rest of the process, like, what was that?\u00a0 And the \"Oh, baby, I promise I'll never do it again.\"\u00a0 And what am I to believe?\u00a0 I don't want to go home and tell everybody, \"Guess what,\" you know?\u00a0 And by the end of the four days, I was better. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0But the thing about violence is that it's not always bad, it's not bad, 24\/7.\u00a0 It's just enough to keep you in that place.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0So there was no more violence on the honeymoon, and maybe, you're thinking to yourself, \"Okay, something snapped, but he's past that.\u00a0 We're going to be okay.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNancy:\u00a0I went through my vows.\u00a0 I kept thinking about \"For better or for worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and\" \u2013 you know, just \u2013 I went through the whole thing, thinking, \"What context?\u00a0 Where do I put this?\u00a0 Where do I put this experience?\u00a0 Who do I tell?\u00a0 Who is going to believe me?\u00a0 What do I do now?\u00a0 What does he do now?\"\u00a0 I mean, we had no roadmap for what happens next.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0You didn't tell anybody?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNancy:\u00a0No.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDan:\u00a0And that's one of the things that is so important to hear \u2013 that a victim feels silenced.\u00a0 They're really not free to tell anyone who could provide some help, even with the fear that if they don't, now what will happen?\u00a0 I'll be even in greater trouble than I was before.\u00a0 And you see how silence moves over into the category of self-blame.\u00a0 Nancy is finding fault with herself.\u00a0 She should have done something different.\u00a0 Maybe I will be successful the next time by obeying what he wanted me to do.\u00a0 So that play between silence and self-blame creates, then, a hope of success \u2013 that maybe my life will be better with this man the next time.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0And along with his tears \u2013 I mean, here is a young lady who has no other experience with a young man.\u00a0 Okay, so he blew it.\u00a0 Well, now, I've seen my husband weep.\u00a0 He's sorry, too.\u00a0 He's repenting.\u00a0 We think these are the tears of a man who has decided what he's done is wrong, and he is going to turn from that sin, ask for forgiveness, and all will be better.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNancy:\u00a0I had seen that demonstrated in my life.\u00a0 I have a little brother and sister, and they were twins, and all my life it was, \"Nancy, say you're sorry.\"\u00a0 I'd apologize to them and turn from it.\u00a0 You know, we were very big on apologies and changing our behavior.\u00a0 And that's what I expected.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0How long was it before the next episode?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNancy:\u00a0Probably two weeks.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0So you went back to the mainland and began your married life.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNancy:\u00a0Began my married life, and that's another story \u2013 two weeks later when we got there, we went into a mall and just to look around.\u00a0 We were down in Victoria, and there was a derelict, homeless man, and we were going to live in the inner city in Vancouver and work with street people.\u00a0 That was what we felt called to do.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0I want to make sure I understood that.\u00a0 Your husband was in full-time ministry.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNancy:\u00a0Mm-hm.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0He had a call from God to reach the downcast.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNancy:\u00a0That's right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0A very noble calling.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNancy:\u00a0And I loved that about him.\u00a0 He had many other amazing characteristics, and even though he didn't grow up with homeless people or didn't grow up with the street fighters and addicts, he knew how to be around them, and he knew the hope of the Gospel.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0So, okay, you're at the mall now.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNancy:\u00a0So we're at the mall, and we're on \u2013 Victoria is en route to Vancouver, where we were going to live.\u00a0 We get to the mall in Victoria, and there was a derelict man, who probably, he was schizophrenic, and he was kind of shouting out things, you know, just \u2013 that were nonsensical, and Mike went over and started to hit him and punch him and swear at him, and nobody did anything.\u00a0 And I just walked out of the mall and thought, \"What have I done?\u00a0 Where do we go from here?\u00a0 What do we do?\"\u00a0 And he pushed me in the car, and we went to Vancouver, and he said, \"You know, I don't want to live here.\u00a0 I'm not going to do this.\u00a0 I'm not going to \u2013 I just think \u2013 I guess the reason that it comes up for me, and this is the first two weeks of my married life.\u00a0 Our profession has just changed, my hopes have changed, my message of hope for the family and of love \u2013 everything has changed for me, and I've learned how to lie and take responsibility, and I don't know who I am anymore or what to do.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0You'd just walked into a nightmare.\u00a0 How long did that go on?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNancy:\u00a0For 10 years.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0And nobody knew?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNancy:\u00a0Not really.\u00a0 If anybody knew, they never said anything.\u00a0 People have come up later, you know, and kind of said, \"We had a suspicion,\" or \"We had a hunch.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0You didn't just go on to stay married, you went on to have a family with him, and I want to hear more about that story tomorrow and how it continued to work its way out.\u00a0 But today we're speaking to women and perhaps a few men, because this is not solely a problem of men who abuse women, but it is primarily that, right, Dan?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDan:\u00a0Absolutely.\u00a0 We're talking about such high percentage that it's important not to forget the other side, but when we talk about the issue of domestic violence, I think it's appropriate to focus primarily on the violence that men do to women.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0And the prevalence of this \u2013 the number of women who have been abused is a dramatic number.\u00a0 It's not a small number.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNancy:\u00a0It's one in four.\u00a0 And I only tell my story because it's not unique.\u00a0 I tell it because you ask, but if \u2013 I know that your listeners who hear my story will say, \"That's my story, too, Nancy.\"\u00a0 Whether they were physically assaulted or sexually assaulted or verbally assaulted, the stories \u2013 really, if you've married an abuser you'll know as soon as there has been sexual activity you're in a marriage commitment.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0In other words, in a church of 100 people and half of them are women \u2013 50 women \u2013 of those women, 12 of them, approximately, have been abused.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNancy:\u00a0Twelve will know my story.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Dan, at Mars Hill Graduate School you are working with what Nancy is doing now in her professional program \u2013 hoping to train and equip Christians to be able to intervene in these situations and to help those who are caught in a cycle of violence.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDan:\u00a0God has been very gracious to me to give me the opportunity to enter the issues of abuse.\u00a0 Originally, through sexual abuse, but it's so important to hear what Nancy just put words to, and that is that seldom is physical violence apart from emotional violence and also from sexual violence.\u00a0 And so you're looking at a pattern that shows itself usually on all three dimensions.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Now, when we begin to mess with these issues, what we're really beginning to mess with is usually a long history of some harm.\u00a0 That person wasn't just harmed in the marriage.\u00a0 They usually have other factors that go back to their own childhood.\u00a0 So as we begin to enter these issues, what we're really trying to do is to say the Gospel has power to change the human heart.\u00a0 Not with a pretense that one confrontation and one exposure and tears of repentance and now everything is fine.\u00a0 There is probably nothing more I say that's more important than hearing that there is this period in almost every abuser's life where they will be very sorrowful with a great commitment to change, but it has not changed their heart.\u00a0 They have not opened the door to beginning to name what has brought them to that point; to be a person so committed to power, so committed to violating another person's dignity, and perhaps it's harshest to put at some level, enjoying the harm that they are doing to another human being.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNancy:\u00a0Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0There are really two reasons why we are doing this program today and over the next couple of days.\u00a0 One is we want to bring help and hope to that person who is being abused, and if there is a message today that is clear, if you are being abused, you must let someone into your life \u2013 someone outside the marriage, someone outside of that abusive relationship.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0The second reason, and don't miss this \u2013 the second reason we are hearing these broadcasts is we believe that Matthew 5:16 is at stake here within the Christian community.\u00a0 He commands us to let our lights shine in such a way that men may see our good works, and they glorify God.\u00a0 And if there is an area where the Christian community needs to step in boldly but with redemption and hope and safety to protect the abused, it's this area.\u00a0 And so we're not only raising the issue of abuse, but we're talking about some solutions that Mars Hill Graduate School is offering by virtue of a certificate in domestic violence and learning how to protect that person who is being abused.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0I want to encourage our listeners to go to our website at FamilyLife.com.\u00a0 There is information there about this certificate program that Mars Hill is offering, but there is also information there for the abuse victim on steps you can take \u2013 positive steps you can take to begin to do exactly what you're talking about, Dennis, and that is to open the door and let some light shine in on this issue and to get some real help.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0We've got a mini-book that we have created called \"A Way of Hope,\" that is designed to provide that kind of counsel for women who are experiencing domestic violence.\u00a0 The text of that is online at FamilyLife.com and also order the booklet from us by calling 1-800-FLTODAY or going to our website, and you can have a copy of the booklet sent to you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0It's now also available in Spanish.\u00a0 So if you would like to receive the Spanish version of it, you can request that when you call 1-800-FLTODAY or go online at FamilyLife.com.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And Nancy has provided a handbook that offers guidance to pastors and others who want to be able to provide help for those experiencing domestic violence.\u00a0 The handbook is called \"God's Reconciling Love,\" and we have that available in our FamilyLife Resource Center as well.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Call us at 1-800-FLTODAY for information about either of these resources or go online at FamilyLife.com.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0You know, we've addressed this subject on a few occasions on FamilyLife Today.\u00a0 Anytime we do, we hear from a number of hurting people \u2013 folks who are right in the midst of this situation, trying to know how to deal with it, where do I go for help, how can I get biblical counsel on this subject, and that's what we want to try to provide to the many women and to some men who are experiencing ongoing domestic violence, and I just want to say a word of thanks to those of you who help support our ministry.\u00a0 You make this kind of ministry outreach available.\u00a0 You make it possible for us to provide hope and equipping for those who are experiencing these kinds of difficult circumstances.\u00a0 We are a nonprofit organization.\u00a0 Your donations are what keep us reaching out to provide practical biblical tools for marriages and families \u2013 all kinds of marriages and all kinds of families.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0So thanks for your support in the past, and if you can help us with a donation this month, we would appreciate it.\u00a0 You can donate online at FamilyLife.com, you can call 1-800-FLTODAY to make a donation, or you can write a check and mail it to us, and if you need our mailing address, just go to our website or give us a call, and we'll be happy to pass the mailing address along to you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0Well, tomorrow we're going to come back and revisit more of your story, Nancy, and hear about the steps you began to take to find safety and to get some help as you were dealing with an abusive husband.\u00a0 I hope our listeners can be back for that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0I want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team.\u00a0 On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 We'll see you next time.for another edition of FamilyLife Today. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0FamilyLife Today is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas, a ministry of Campus Crusade for Christ. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>NOTE:<\/strong>\u00a0 Some names have been changed in this transcript.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t________________________________________________________________\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you.\u00a0 However, there is a cost to transcribe, create, and produce them for our website.\u00a0 If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would\u00a0\u00a0 you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/site\/c.dnJHKLNnFoG\/b.3782043\/k.384D\/Support_Us.htm\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright \u00a9 FamilyLife.\u00a0 All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/www.FamilyLife.com\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 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