{"id":300503,"date":"2018-12-27T12:00:00","date_gmt":"2018-12-27T17:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/tough-parenting-questions\/"},"modified":"2024-10-07T22:41:41","modified_gmt":"2024-10-08T02:41:41","slug":"tough-parenting-questions","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/tough-parenting-questions\/","title":{"rendered":"Tough Parenting Questions"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>guest: David and Meg Robbins, Dennis and Barbara Rainey | Series: Answering Your Questions about Parenting | Our culture is increasingly complex and some issues are hard to manage. Dennis and Barbara Rainey team up with David Robbins, president of FamilyLife, and his wife, Meg, to answer questions from listeners such as: How do I encourage my teens to make good decisions? How do I handle sibling rivalry? How do we relate to a cousin with same-sex parents?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Dennis and Barbara Rainey team up with David Robbins and his wife, Meg, to answer questions from listeners such as: How do I encourage my teens to make good decisions? How do I handle sibling rivalry?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"Answers to questions from listeners such as: How do I encourage my teens to make good decisions? How do I handle sibling rivalry?","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2018-12-27.mp3","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:25:24","filesize":"23.25M","filesize_raw":"24383889","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2850,2896,2855,2870],"tags":[4674,4673,2520,4672,4671],"podcast_series":[7277],"cwp_profile":[3576,3051],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-300503","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-character-development","category-lgbt","category-teens","category-tweens","tag-advice","tag-ministering-to-your-family","tag-parenting-teens","tag-same-sex-parents","tag-sibling-rivalry","podcast_series-answering-your-questions-about-parenting","cwp_profile-david-and-meg-robbins","cwp_profile-dennis-and-barbara-rainey","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/300503\/tough-parenting-questions","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/300503\/tough-parenting-questions","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"OyOuZoRC1F\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/tough-parenting-questions\/\">Tough Parenting Questions<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/tough-parenting-questions\/embed\/#?secret=OyOuZoRC1F\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Tough Parenting Questions&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"OyOuZoRC1F\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2018-12-27.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2018-12-27.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is a complex culture we\u2019re living in; and for parents, that means hard questions and no easy answers.\n\n<strong>Sammie: <\/strong>I\u2019m wondering, now that Ihave teenagers, how can I force [Laughter] them to do things\u2014especially the perfectionist\u2014to do things like trying out the things that are new?\n\n<strong>Steve:<\/strong> We are struggling with how to physically love my wife\u2019s sister. She lives in Washington, DC, with her wife, who she is married to.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Thursday, December 27<sup>th<\/sup>. Our host is Dennis Rainey, and I'm Bob Lepine. Today, we\u2019ll interact with <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> listeners and Legacy Partners and talk about some of the challenges they\u2019re facing, as moms and dads, in the midst of raising the next generation. We\u2019re talking about parenting. Stay with us.\n\n<strong>1:00<\/strong>\n\nAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us on the Thursday edition. You know, back, as the year was beginning, we kind of <em>knew<\/em> what our focus was going to be this year\u2014we were going to spend a lot of time talking about parenting. We had a movie that came out in May called <em>Like Arrows<\/em>; we launched <em>The Art of Parenting\u2122 <\/em>video series over the summer. You and Barbara released your <em>Art of Parenting<\/em> book back in September.\n\n<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Right.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>We\u2019ve talked a lot about parenting, because this is on the hearts of a lot of our listeners. This is a critical moment in history for moms and dads to be actively engaged in raising the next generation.\n\n<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> It is, Bob. I think the real battleground today for future generations is currently in the homes of today\u2019s moms and dads. It\u2019s a question of: \u201cAre you going to raise your children according to the biblical blueprints?\u201d and \u201cAre you going to pull your arrows out of the quiver and introduce them to Jesus Christ?\u2014and how He brings life to them?\u2014and how He is the one that can be trusted for their entire lives?\u201d\n\n<strong>2:00<\/strong>\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes; then point them in the right direction, and pull back the bow, and let them go; right?\n\n<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> You let them go on a mission. We need children today who know why they\u2019re here and what God\u2019s purpose is for them.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> We had the opportunity to interact with some of our Legacy Partners. Legacy Partners are those folks who, each month, help support the ministry of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>\u2014help cover the cost of producing and syndicating this daily radio program.\n\nWe had an evening, where we got together in a <em>huge<\/em> kind of a phone conference room with a couple hundred Legacy Partners, and invited interaction and dialogue and questions and answers around parenting. We had the President of FamilyLife, David Robbins, and his wife Meg joining you and Barbara and me for that conversation. It was just a great opportunity, not only to interact about parenting, but to say, \u201cThank you,\u201d to some folks who are critical to the work of this ministry.\n\n<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Legacy Partners don\u2019t cover the entire cost.\n\n<strong>3:00<\/strong>\n\nWe are tremendously grateful for them; but we still need, here at yearend, Bob\u2014we need more donors\/stakeholders, who want to stand with <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> and keep this broadcast on air and keep it coming <em>strong<\/em> across the nation.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> As we head toward yearend, we still have money available in our matching-gift fund. We are hoping to be able to take full advantage of that matching gift. That\u2019s all going to depend on how listeners respond over the next few days. If you are a regular listener\u2014if it\u2019s been a while since you\u2019ve made a donation\/if you\u2019ve <em>never<\/em> made a donation\u2014\n\n<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014in fact, if you haven\u2019t given a donation in 2018, make a generous commitment right now. It\u2019s going to be a part of the match so your dollars are going to be doubled.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>And we\u2019re going to send you, as a thank-you gift for your donation, a copy of the <em>Like Arrows<\/em> DVD. You\u2019ll get a chance to see the movie with your family. It\u2019s not available yet for sale, but we have a limited supply this month that we\u2019re making available to friends of the ministry who can help with a donation.\n\n<strong>4:00<\/strong>\n\nIn addition to your dollars being doubled, you\u2019ll get a copy of the <em>Like Arrows<\/em> DVD when you go online and make a donation at FamilyLifeToday.com or when you call to donate at 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life and then the word, \u201cTODAY,\u201d\u20141-800-358-6329.\n\nWhat we want to do <em>today<\/em> is take you into the conversation that we had with some of our Legacy Partners and let you hear the questions and answers as we interacted with these folks around parenting.\n\nYou\u2019ve [Dennis] had a chance to interact with moms and dads since the book has come out. Has there been a particular question or theme that has emerged as the number-one thing parents are itching on these days?\n\n<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Well, we just got a text message and a video of a mom, who pointed over to her four kids, ages\u2014looked like six and seven and under. She started weeping\u2014she said: \u201cThank you for creating something to help me raise my crew. I need hope; I need help!\u201d\n\n<strong>5:00<\/strong>\n\nMost moms need all the help and hope they can get.\n\n<strong>Barbara:<\/strong> Yes; I think that\u2019s the common theme, and it has been for generations. We all, as parents, are rookies. We all start out not knowing, at all, what we\u2019re doing\u2014every parent has always been that way. We face all kinds of different things at different ages and different stages of life. We just need someone to look to, who\u2019s been there, who can say: \u201cTry this. Here\u2019s a way that you might want to try with your child.\u201d\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I <em>know<\/em> that one of the issues we\u2019ve been hearing about from folks is the issue of technology\u2014more and more. This was something you guys [David and Meg] need to know\u2014we were just on the cutting edges of technology when our kids were growing up. The question for us was, \u201cHow much IM time?\u201d\u2014do you remember Instant Messenger?\n\n<strong>Barbara:<\/strong> Yes. [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u201cHow much time do they get on IM?\u201d or \u201cHow much time do they get going into chat rooms?\u201d This was all brand-new territory for us, as parents.\n\n<strong>6:00<\/strong>\n\nToday, technology is almost a part of the genetic makeup of kids as they\u2019re growing up. You\u2019re oldest is\u2014is it ten, Meg?\n\n<strong>Meg:<\/strong> Twelve.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Twelve.\n\n<strong>Meg: <\/strong>He just turned twelve.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And what does his online-life look like?\n\n<strong>Meg:<\/strong> Well, the interesting thing is that, this year in school, they\u2019re issued a Crown Book\u2014a computer. He\u2019s required to do homework on the computer, which\u2014\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Sixth grade?\n\n<strong>Meg:<\/strong> Seventh grade.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Seventh grade.\n\n<strong>Meg:<\/strong> Seventh grade\u2014this is the first year. That\u2019s even hard to wrestle with\u2014because they have great fire walls set up and things like that\u2014but you still have to be proactive; because at home, it\u2019s actually different. Those fire walls are active at school, but not at home.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> We were just speaking at a parenting conference, a few weekends ago, and using the grid that\u2019s in the<em> Art of Parenting<\/em>. By far, the session on technology was the one that you saw so many parents, just going: \u201cI just don\u2019t know where to start. I always feel behind.\u201d You know people [children] aren\u2019t digital pioneers anymore\u2014they\u2019re natives\u2014\n\n<strong>7:00<\/strong>\n\n\u2014and we\u2019re the ones trying to catch up, as parents.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes; you talk about technology in the book. In fact, this is an area you knew was going to be significant and you addressed it.\n\n<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I did. I called David Eaton, who is president of Axis in Colorado Springs. He has 20- and 30-somethings working on this, fulltime, to help parents. I said: \u201cGet me some uranium. [Laughter] I want this book to be radioactive around this issue.\u201d\n\nI want to share with you some of the things he said: \u201cThese are tough conversations you need to have with your child. You need to talk about pornography. You need to talk about sexting, because that\u2019s happening even before couples start dating,\u201d\u2014they\u2019re sharing pictures they ought not to be doing. He talks about sneaky apps and how parents are being fooled by their kids, because they have ways around spyware.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Right.\n\n<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Fake social media accounts and friend\u2019s phones\u2014\n\n<strong>8:00<\/strong>\n\n\u2014all of those are all traps that parents can easily walk by and not realize what\u2019s happening below the waterline in this whole digital world. David Eaton and his team have done a great job, and this chapter is radioactive.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Part of the challenge is\u2014our kids are smarter on this stuff than we are! They know more about how to manage technology than we do. One of the things we\u2019re trying to do, here, at FamilyLife is be able to help parents know\u2014at least, be in the game with them; right? We may not be able to know <em>better<\/em> than they do about technology, but maybe we can keep you in the game.\n\n<strong>David:<\/strong> One of the things that is in that chapter that frames up well is: \u201cHow do we do screen discipleship and smartphone discipleship?\u201d It is one of the most formative things in their lives; and if we aren\u2019t viewing that as a discipleship and disciple-making avenue, it\u2019s <em>going<\/em> to be in their lives. It is connected to part of their identity the older they get.\n\nSo how do we\u2014and that\u2019s one of the things that we are seeking to, really, engage in is \u201cHow do we help parents have those constant conversations?\u201d\u2014because it\u2019s not one conversation.\n\n<strong>9:00<\/strong>\n\nIt\u2019s going to be an ongoing ever-going conversation of, \u201cHow do you build those incremental trust elements in, where you give more and more freedom?\u201d\u2014because the goal is: \u201cThey are self-regulated adults.\u201d\n\n<em>I<\/em> have trouble self-regulating sometimes, and so why give the world to your ten-year-old or thirteen-year-old? How do you build trust over time and give them more trust over time?\n\n[Previously Recorded]\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> We\u2019re going to dive in and start interacting with some of the folks, who are calling in. I\u2019m going to go to our friend, Sammie, who is in Nashville, who I think should be live and with us. Sammie, are you there?\n\n<strong>Sammie:<\/strong> I am! Can you hear me?\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I can hear you.\n\n<strong>Barbara: <\/strong>Hey! [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>It\u2019s good to connect with you.\n\n<strong>Sammie:<\/strong> Hi, friends.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> What\u2019s your question, Sammie?\n\n<strong>Sammie:<\/strong> I\u2019m wondering, now that I have teenagers, how can I\u2014and I use this term loosely\u2014force [Laughter] them to do things\u2014especially the perfectionist firstborn\u2014to do things like trying out the things that are new\u2014going to practices, that they\u2019re fearful of. Now, that they\u2019re bigger than me, I can\u2019t just buckle them in a car seat and make them go. [Laughter] Then, a few days later when they don\u2019t go, they regret it.\n\n<strong>10:00<\/strong>\n\nI\u2019m having trouble finding that line between not wanting to guilt or shame or just punish if they don\u2019t do something but realizing that rationalizing, in an irrational moment, doesn\u2019t always work with this age group.\n\n<strong>Barbara:<\/strong> Part of what you\u2019re dealing with is wanting to help them succeed and help them make good choices. A part of growing up is making poor choices or thinking, \u201cI\u2019m not going to go to that,\u201d and then regretting it. I think it\u2019s that evaluating <em>how<\/em> to make a decision that is a whole part of this process. It\u2019s less about the particular situation, or circumstance, or the particular opportunity; and it\u2019s more about helping them understand how to make good decisions\u2014and what to do, on the backside of the decision, if they regret the decision they made\u2014and teaching them how to pray and how to hear from God\u2014all of that works together. It\u2019s not an easy one conversation. It\u2019s an ongoing situation that you\u2019re teaching.\n\n<strong>11:00<\/strong>\n\n<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I\u2019ll tell you a story, here, in a second; but I would just say take a look at Ephesians 2:10\u2014it says, \u201cFor we are His workmanship created in Christ Jesus for good works which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them.\u201d Sammie, I think God\u2019s got good works for your children to perform and participate in. Your assignment is to help them discover how they are God\u2019s work of art\u2014where their gifts are\/their strengths are. Make that a matter of prayer.\n\nI\u2019ll tell you a story: A good friend of mine had his 18-year-old grandson\u2014was talking about quitting basketball. My friend said: \u201cYou know what you need to do? Before you quit basketball, you need to go have an encounter\u2014a quiet, personal, private encounter with Christ and ask Him, \u2018What does He want you to do?\u2019 Get in God\u2019s face and say: \u2018God, You made me. What do You want me to do?\u2019 Two weeks later, the grandson came back, saying, \u2018Grandpa, I\u2019m going to play basketball.\u2019\u201d\n\n<strong>12:00<\/strong>\n\nI think there are opportunities here to help your children experience God. That\u2019s the overall assignment\u2014that your faith becomes <em>their<\/em> faith on their own. In many ways, the word, <em>force<\/em>, I would probably hit the <em>delete<\/em> button on that word for a teenager.\n\n<strong>Sammie:<\/strong> Right.\n\n<strong>Barbara:<\/strong> Even for the way you\u2019re thinking about it, too; because you really don\u2019t have that option much anymore.\n\n<strong>Sammie:<\/strong> Yes; exactly.\n\n<strong>Barbara:<\/strong> Yes, exactly; because they <em>are<\/em> bigger than you and you can\u2019t. It is more about training and coaching and\u2014\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You need to start reorienting yourself, as a parent.\n\n<strong>Barbara: <\/strong>Yes.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>You are not the cop anymore. Now, you are the coach. You\u2019re moving toward being a consultant.\n\n<strong>Barbara:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> So you have to pull back and go: \u201cOkay; they\u2019re going to start making choices that aren\u2019t the choices I would make,\u201d and \u201cI\u2019ve got to learn to be okay with that and let them make some mistakes and fail.\u201d\n\n<strong>Barbara:<\/strong> It\u2019s good for them to make some mistakes and fail when they\u2019re at home.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>That\u2019s right.\n\n<strong>Barbara: <\/strong>You don\u2019t want them to wait until they go off.\n\n<strong>13:00<\/strong>\n\n<strong>Sammie:<\/strong> Right.\n\n<strong>David:<\/strong> Sammie, I love your desire to help your kid take risks. I do think that\u2019s one of those developmental themes in teenage years\u2014to be willing to put yourself out there\u2014because, really, risks are steps of faith.\n\n<strong>Barbara:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>David:<\/strong> It is some of those micro-moments in building faith into their character.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Kathy is on the line with us form Akron, Ohio. Kathy, welcome. Thanks for being with us.\n\n<strong>Kathy:<\/strong> Hello there.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Glad to have you joining us tonight. What\u2019s your question?\n\n<strong>Kathy:<\/strong> I have six relatively-adult children, 21 to 37. They\u2019re all wanting our attention\u2014especially the younger ones of the group are always saying: \u201cYou don\u2019t treat us the same. You don\u2019t treat me like you treated the other ones. You treat them better,\u201d and \u201cYou like them better.\u201d What I tell them is, \u201cI don\u2019t have a favorite child; but at the moment that a child needs me the most, they\u2019re my favorite.\u201d\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> That\u2019s a good answer.\n\n<strong>Barbara:<\/strong> That is a good answer.\n\n<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> That\u2019s a <em>great<\/em> answer.\n\n<strong>Kathy:<\/strong> If I\u2019ve got a sick child, that\u2019s the one that\u2019s my favorite at the time.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Okay; let me go to the parent of six kids here, because they were laughing and nodding as you were asking the question.\n\n<strong>14:00<\/strong>\n\n<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Just tell them this: \u201cRead my lips. Fair is what comes to each town once a year in October.\u201d [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u201cThere\u2019s no such thing as fair.\u201d [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u201cThere is no such thing as fair.\u201d You know, it\u2019s not all going to be equal. We have been accused with unfairness by all of our kids, pointing their fingers at their other siblings.\n\n<strong>Barbara:<\/strong> One of the things that I would encourage you to do is to realize that you can\u2019t make them happy, and you can\u2019t help them understand what fair really is. I mean, they\u2019re never going to totally understand your heart\u2014that you do love them all and you do love them equally\u2014until they are parents. I want to encourage you to let go of feeling the need to explain it and help them all understand how you feel. It\u2019s really not as unfair as they may perceive it is. Obviously, it\u2019s not perfectly fair; because none of us are perfect. Sometimes, I think we parents own more than we should own, especially when they\u2019re 21 and up.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I want to tell you guys that, when our kids were little, I did this all the time\u2014whenever I got them alone, I would say, \u201cDon\u2019t tell your brothers and sisters, but you\u2019re my favorite.\u201d\n\n<strong>15:00<\/strong>\n\n[Laughter] I would do that with <em>each<\/em> of the kids; right?\n\n<strong>Meg:<\/strong> That\u2019s hilarious.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> So they grew up\u2014<em>all of them<\/em>\u2014kind of like it\u2019s between us, just this little secret between us that \u201cI\u2019m the favorite.\u201d And, of course, when they got in their teenage years, they <em>knew<\/em> I was telling everybody; but there is something, even today as adult kids, they will smile and say, \u201cI was always your favorite; wasn\u2019t I?\u201d [Bob speaking in a hushed voice] \u201cOf course, you were. Don\u2019t tell your siblings.\u201d\n\n<strong>Meg: <\/strong>Sweet! That\u2019s great! [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Have you dealt with any of this sibling\u2014\n\n<strong>Meg: <\/strong>Well, from the reverse side. I\u2019m actually the youngest of five\u2014different phases of life\u2014there were times where I felt like, you know, I got slighted or didn\u2019t have things; and then there were times where my siblings looked at me and were like: \u201cThat\u2019s so not fair! She gets to do that. You would never have let us do that!\u201d I think now\u2014I don\u2019t know if your children have children yet or not, Kathy, but for us\u2014\n\n<strong>Kathy: <\/strong>Three of them do.\n\n<strong>Meg: <\/strong>Okay; there you go. For me, I think, even now, having children and as they grow up, I see this reality. It\u2019s just something I couldn\u2019t see at other stages of my life that I see <em>now<\/em> that\u2014like you said\u2014\n\n<strong>16:00<\/strong>\n\n\u2014there are certain times in my kids\u2019 lives where they need me more or I havemore capabilities; or we have a child who\u2019s younger and will see movies that the older ones maybe didn\u2019t get to see at that age or whatever it may be\u2014it may be a small thing; it may be a big thing.\n\n<strong>David:<\/strong> We have one with special needs that obviously can get more attention than the others sometimes. That can be hurled at us. It is one of those things to be honest about. We have to have those honest conversations sometimes because, yes, he does get our attention sometimes more than the others.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Kathy, we appreciate you being with us; and thanks for being a Legacy Partner.\n\n<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Kathy, I would encourage you to get the kit and maybe <em>lead<\/em> a group of parents through the<em> Art of Parenting<\/em>. Session eight is on the power of family. Bob interviewed all of our kids; and they <em>ratted<\/em> on the youngest child, saying, \u201c<em>She<\/em> was the favorite.\u201d [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Well, I asked them all\u2014I had them, one on one\u2014I said, \u201cWas one of you guys the favorite?\u201d They all go, \u201cOh, yes; one of us was the favorite.\u201d They all picked out who was the favorite; and the favorite said, \u201cYes; I was the favorite.\u201d [Laughter]\n\n<strong>17:00<\/strong>\n\nIt was real clear, in the Rainey household, who the favorite child was.\n\n<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yes, yes; of course.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Thank you, again, for joining us tonight; and thanks for being a Legacy Partner.\n\n<strong>Kathy:<\/strong> You\u2019re welcome. It\u2019s my pleasure.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> We\u2019ve got Steve, who is on the line with us from Florida. I can\u2019t say this\u2014it looks like Velcro. Steve, you there?\n\n<strong>Steve:<\/strong> Del Rico.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Okay; well, thanks for being with us tonight. What\u2019s your question?\n\n<strong>Steve:<\/strong> Yes; we have, I guess, maybe becoming less of a unique situation these days. My wife\u2019s sister\/my sister-in-law\u2014she lives in Washington, DC, with her wife, who she\u2019s married to. They now had a baby together. They want their child to have a relationship with my and my wife\u2019s children. My kids are almost nine, six, and two.\n\nWe are struggling with how to biblically love [my] sister-in-law but, also, shield or keep it\u2014I guess for lack of a better word\u2014from our nine, six and two-year-old; because it\u2019s not biblical\u2014the way they are living.\n\n<strong>18:00<\/strong>\n\nBut how to not be fake, in front of our kids, that we\u2019re loving them but tell them then, when we hang up the phone\u2014go, \u201cBy the way, what they\u2019re doing is not right,\u201d but we act like it\u2019s okay when we talk to them.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You know what? This is becoming an issue for more and more families. Dave and Meg, you lived in Manhattan for how long?\u2014for seven years\/ten years? How long were you there?\n\n<strong>David:<\/strong> Only five.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Five years, but you were in the middle of a culture where biblical norms were not the norm; and you were raising kids in the middle of that.\n\n<strong>David:<\/strong> That was on display often; yes.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> How did you deal with that with your kids?\n\n<strong>Meg:<\/strong> I think for us\u2014we even had, you know, kids in our kids\u2019 class, whose parents were the same sex\u2014things like that. We just really encouraged them to love on those kids and be friends with them and didn\u2019t cut off any relationships in that sense.\n\nBut I do think it did require honest conversations, from a really young age, with our kids\u2014\n\n<strong>19:00<\/strong>\n\n\u2014and talking about: \u201cYou know, we love them. We\u2019re friends with them,\u201d\u2014treating them just like we would anyone else\u2014but also pointing our kids to the biblical design for marriage and talking about the way God intends for it.\n\nWe didn\u2019t want our children to treat those people differently because they are choosing something different; but yet, we did feel it is important to reinforce what we believe is God\u2019s design and how He\u2019s created men and women. You know, there\u2019s a lot more to that conversation, obviously.\n\n<strong>David:<\/strong> As we shared truth, there was always that question of: \u201cWhat will our kid say to that other kid?\u2014or to those parents at the park?\u201d or what not; because we did want to be <em>very<\/em> clear on what God\u2019s design is.\n\nI think one of the angles we went, though, was to say, \u201cThis child of theirs is God\u2019s image.\u201d As they have this newborn baby, it\u2019s an opportunity to, actually, move toward them in a unique way; because this baby is made in God\u2019s image and you\u2019re able to love them uniquely.\n\n<strong>20:00<\/strong>\n\nIt gives you an opportunity to love them uniquely.\n\nObviously, you\u2019re going to have different conversations with nine- and eight-year-olds than you would a two-year-old that you have; but yet, this is going to be something they face. To avoid it and to not use the opportunity to speak truth and discern, you know, with your own spouse, \u201cHow do you want to do it?\u201d is really\u2014you\u2019re shielding them in a way. Once they get to certain ages, it actually is an opportunity to communicate about God\u2019s design; but yet, how to still be in a relationship with people that are making decisions.\n\n<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Steve, I would say you\u2019ve got a great opportunity here to prepare your kids to know how to embrace their convictions and what they believe in a culture that doesn\u2019t believe that way.\n\nWe\u2019ve got a friend, who lives on the East Coast. A couple moved in next door to him\u2014two women, who were married and had a child. What my friend did and his family\u2014is they just <em>loved<\/em> on that little boy that was next door, so much so that the two mothers sent him to camp\u2014\n\n<strong>21:00<\/strong>\n\n\u2014a summer camp. He ended up coming to faith in Christ all because they loved on him.\n\nI think we\u2019re in a much larger picture today, teaching our kids knowing how to love people, who don\u2019t think or believe like they do. I\u2019ll tell you\u2014I think you\u2019ve got a great opportunity, here, to make a big point with your kids. I know it\u2019s difficult, because it\u2019s also a family member\u2014that\u2019s a tough one\u2014but I\u2019d make it a matter of prayer and move forward.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I will always come back here, Steve, to John 1:14, which is where Jesus is described as being \u201cthe only begotten Son of the Father, full of grace and truth.\u201d It\u2019s not 50\/50\u2014it\u2019s full of <em>both<\/em>. What we have to figure out is: \u201cHow we can be full of truth? How can we raise our kids to be full of truth?\u201d and \u201cHow can we be, as equally, full of grace in the way we relate to and interact with those around us?\u201d\n\n<strong>22:00<\/strong>\n\nThe pattern of Jesus was to embrace and to love the sinner\u2014the unlovable. At the same time, when confronted, He said to the woman in adultery: \u201cNeither do I condemn you. Go and sin no more.\u201d That\u2019s the grace and truth paradox. Admittedly, it\u2019s easier to talk about than it is to live out.\n\nI understand the challenges of how you go through this; but I think we have to ask the question: \u201cWhere do we lean? Do you lean in the truth direction or in the grace direction?\u201d Whichever way you naturally lean, you should probably just kind of nudge yourself back in the other direction a bit more. [Laughter]\n\nAnything else you want to do to follow up on that, Steve?\n\n<strong>Steve:<\/strong> No; I think you\u2019ve pretty much answered it\u2014to obviously pray for my kids that they can see the truth, because we\u2019re planting it in them; and praying for them, regardless of what they\u2019re seeing somewhere else within the family.\n\n[Studio]\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Well, again, we\u2019ve been listening to a conversation we had recently with a group of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> Legacy Partners\u2014folks who, every month, make a donation.\n\n<strong>23:00<\/strong>\n\nReally, these are the folks who make it possible for <em>you<\/em> to tune in and hear <em>FamilyLife Today. <\/em>When you tune in and you enjoy this program, it\u2019s our Legacy Partners you have to thank, at least, in part.\n\n<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I\u2019m glad you said that, Bob; because we\u2019re still looking, here at yearend, for some more stakeholders to step up and say, \u201cWe want you guys to finish this year strong and be able to keep coming to our home, our community, our state and across the nation with biblical blueprints,\u201d for how you raise a family and make your marriage go the distance.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Well, this is a great time for you to make a yearend donation. You can do it, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com; or you can call 1-800-FL-TODAY. We still have matching funds available in our matching fund that has been put together by some friends of this ministry. It started with a total of $3 million. We\u2019ve seen some of that released already, but we\u2019re hoping to take full advantage of it. Would you make a yearend donation, right now, and help us take full advantage of that matching-gift opportunity?\n\n<strong>24:00<\/strong>\n\nAs I mentioned, when you make a donation today, we\u2019re going to send you the DVD, <em>Like Arrows<\/em>, the movie that FamilyLife created earlier this year. It\u2019s our gift to you as you help support us, here at yearend. Thanks, in advance, for being as <em>generous<\/em> as you can be as you make a yearend donation.\n\nWe hope you can join us back, again, tomorrow when we\u2019re going to take more phone calls from listeners about parenting. Dennis and Barbara Rainey will be here. David and Meg Robbins will be here as well. We hope you can tune in.\n\nI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\n\n<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry.\n\nHelp for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\nWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\n\nCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2018 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\n<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>"],"_seopress_titles_title":[""],"_seopress_titles_desc":["Answers to questions from listeners such as: How do I encourage my teens to make good decisions? 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});\";s:18:\"current_block_list\";a:17:{i:0;s:14:\"uagb\/container\";i:1;s:12:\"core\/heading\";i:2;s:9:\"core\/html\";i:3;s:10:\"core\/group\";i:6;s:21:\"uagb\/advanced-heading\";i:7;s:14:\"uagb\/separator\";i:8;s:14:\"uagb\/icon-list\";i:9;s:20:\"uagb\/icon-list-child\";i:10;s:11:\"core\/search\";i:13;s:18:\"core\/legacy-widget\";i:16;s:10:\"uagb\/image\";i:17;s:17:\"core\/social-links\";i:18;s:16:\"core\/social-link\";i:19;s:14:\"core\/paragraph\";i:20;s:30:\"meta-box\/fl-conditional-blocks\";i:21;s:12:\"uagb\/buttons\";i:22;s:18:\"uagb\/buttons-child\";}s:8:\"uag_flag\";b:1;s:11:\"uag_version\";i:1776470598;s:6:\"gfonts\";a:1:{s:7:\"Default\";a:2:{s:10:\"fontfamily\";s:7:\"Default\";s:12:\"fontvariants\";a:0:{}}}s:10:\"gfonts_url\";s:71:\"\/\/fonts.googleapis.com\/css?family=Default&subset=latin&display=fallback\";s:12:\"gfonts_files\";a:0:{}s:14:\"uag_faq_layout\";b:0;}"]},"uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":["https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg",508,508,false]},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"kfairris@familylife.com","author_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/author\/kfairrisfamilylife-com\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"Dennis and Barbara Rainey team up with David Robbins and his wife, Meg, to answer questions from listeners such as: How do I encourage my teens to make good decisions? How do I handle sibling rivalry?","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2018-12-27.pdf","transcript_content":"<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is a complex culture we\u2019re living in; and for parents, that means hard questions and no easy answers.\n\n<strong>Sammie: <\/strong>I\u2019m wondering, now that Ihave teenagers, how can I force [Laughter] them to do things\u2014especially the perfectionist\u2014to do things like trying out the things that are new?\n\n<strong>Steve:<\/strong> We are struggling with how to physically love my wife\u2019s sister. She lives in Washington, DC, with her wife, who she is married to.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Thursday, December 27<sup>th<\/sup>. Our host is Dennis Rainey, and I'm Bob Lepine. Today, we\u2019ll interact with <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> listeners and Legacy Partners and talk about some of the challenges they\u2019re facing, as moms and dads, in the midst of raising the next generation. We\u2019re talking about parenting. Stay with us.\n\n<strong>1:00<\/strong>\n\nAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us on the Thursday edition. You know, back, as the year was beginning, we kind of <em>knew<\/em> what our focus was going to be this year\u2014we were going to spend a lot of time talking about parenting. We had a movie that came out in May called <em>Like Arrows<\/em>; we launched <em>The Art of Parenting\u2122 <\/em>video series over the summer. You and Barbara released your <em>Art of Parenting<\/em> book back in September.\n\n<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Right.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>We\u2019ve talked a lot about parenting, because this is on the hearts of a lot of our listeners. This is a critical moment in history for moms and dads to be actively engaged in raising the next generation.\n\n<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> It is, Bob. I think the real battleground today for future generations is currently in the homes of today\u2019s moms and dads. It\u2019s a question of: \u201cAre you going to raise your children according to the biblical blueprints?\u201d and \u201cAre you going to pull your arrows out of the quiver and introduce them to Jesus Christ?\u2014and how He brings life to them?\u2014and how He is the one that can be trusted for their entire lives?\u201d\n\n<strong>2:00<\/strong>\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes; then point them in the right direction, and pull back the bow, and let them go; right?\n\n<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> You let them go on a mission. We need children today who know why they\u2019re here and what God\u2019s purpose is for them.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> We had the opportunity to interact with some of our Legacy Partners. Legacy Partners are those folks who, each month, help support the ministry of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>\u2014help cover the cost of producing and syndicating this daily radio program.\n\nWe had an evening, where we got together in a <em>huge<\/em> kind of a phone conference room with a couple hundred Legacy Partners, and invited interaction and dialogue and questions and answers around parenting. We had the President of FamilyLife, David Robbins, and his wife Meg joining you and Barbara and me for that conversation. It was just a great opportunity, not only to interact about parenting, but to say, \u201cThank you,\u201d to some folks who are critical to the work of this ministry.\n\n<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Legacy Partners don\u2019t cover the entire cost.\n\n<strong>3:00<\/strong>\n\nWe are tremendously grateful for them; but we still need, here at yearend, Bob\u2014we need more donors\/stakeholders, who want to stand with <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> and keep this broadcast on air and keep it coming <em>strong<\/em> across the nation.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> As we head toward yearend, we still have money available in our matching-gift fund. We are hoping to be able to take full advantage of that matching gift. That\u2019s all going to depend on how listeners respond over the next few days. If you are a regular listener\u2014if it\u2019s been a while since you\u2019ve made a donation\/if you\u2019ve <em>never<\/em> made a donation\u2014\n\n<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014in fact, if you haven\u2019t given a donation in 2018, make a generous commitment right now. It\u2019s going to be a part of the match so your dollars are going to be doubled.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>And we\u2019re going to send you, as a thank-you gift for your donation, a copy of the <em>Like Arrows<\/em> DVD. You\u2019ll get a chance to see the movie with your family. It\u2019s not available yet for sale, but we have a limited supply this month that we\u2019re making available to friends of the ministry who can help with a donation.\n\n<strong>4:00<\/strong>\n\nIn addition to your dollars being doubled, you\u2019ll get a copy of the <em>Like Arrows<\/em> DVD when you go online and make a donation at FamilyLifeToday.com or when you call to donate at 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life and then the word, \u201cTODAY,\u201d\u20141-800-358-6329.\n\nWhat we want to do <em>today<\/em> is take you into the conversation that we had with some of our Legacy Partners and let you hear the questions and answers as we interacted with these folks around parenting.\n\nYou\u2019ve [Dennis] had a chance to interact with moms and dads since the book has come out. Has there been a particular question or theme that has emerged as the number-one thing parents are itching on these days?\n\n<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Well, we just got a text message and a video of a mom, who pointed over to her four kids, ages\u2014looked like six and seven and under. She started weeping\u2014she said: \u201cThank you for creating something to help me raise my crew. I need hope; I need help!\u201d\n\n<strong>5:00<\/strong>\n\nMost moms need all the help and hope they can get.\n\n<strong>Barbara:<\/strong> Yes; I think that\u2019s the common theme, and it has been for generations. We all, as parents, are rookies. We all start out not knowing, at all, what we\u2019re doing\u2014every parent has always been that way. We face all kinds of different things at different ages and different stages of life. We just need someone to look to, who\u2019s been there, who can say: \u201cTry this. Here\u2019s a way that you might want to try with your child.\u201d\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I <em>know<\/em> that one of the issues we\u2019ve been hearing about from folks is the issue of technology\u2014more and more. This was something you guys [David and Meg] need to know\u2014we were just on the cutting edges of technology when our kids were growing up. The question for us was, \u201cHow much IM time?\u201d\u2014do you remember Instant Messenger?\n\n<strong>Barbara:<\/strong> Yes. [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u201cHow much time do they get on IM?\u201d or \u201cHow much time do they get going into chat rooms?\u201d This was all brand-new territory for us, as parents.\n\n<strong>6:00<\/strong>\n\nToday, technology is almost a part of the genetic makeup of kids as they\u2019re growing up. You\u2019re oldest is\u2014is it ten, Meg?\n\n<strong>Meg:<\/strong> Twelve.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Twelve.\n\n<strong>Meg: <\/strong>He just turned twelve.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And what does his online-life look like?\n\n<strong>Meg:<\/strong> Well, the interesting thing is that, this year in school, they\u2019re issued a Crown Book\u2014a computer. He\u2019s required to do homework on the computer, which\u2014\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Sixth grade?\n\n<strong>Meg:<\/strong> Seventh grade.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Seventh grade.\n\n<strong>Meg:<\/strong> Seventh grade\u2014this is the first year. That\u2019s even hard to wrestle with\u2014because they have great fire walls set up and things like that\u2014but you still have to be proactive; because at home, it\u2019s actually different. Those fire walls are active at school, but not at home.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> We were just speaking at a parenting conference, a few weekends ago, and using the grid that\u2019s in the<em> Art of Parenting<\/em>. By far, the session on technology was the one that you saw so many parents, just going: \u201cI just don\u2019t know where to start. I always feel behind.\u201d You know people [children] aren\u2019t digital pioneers anymore\u2014they\u2019re natives\u2014\n\n<strong>7:00<\/strong>\n\n\u2014and we\u2019re the ones trying to catch up, as parents.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes; you talk about technology in the book. In fact, this is an area you knew was going to be significant and you addressed it.\n\n<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I did. I called David Eaton, who is president of Axis in Colorado Springs. He has 20- and 30-somethings working on this, fulltime, to help parents. I said: \u201cGet me some uranium. [Laughter] I want this book to be radioactive around this issue.\u201d\n\nI want to share with you some of the things he said: \u201cThese are tough conversations you need to have with your child. You need to talk about pornography. You need to talk about sexting, because that\u2019s happening even before couples start dating,\u201d\u2014they\u2019re sharing pictures they ought not to be doing. He talks about sneaky apps and how parents are being fooled by their kids, because they have ways around spyware.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Right.\n\n<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Fake social media accounts and friend\u2019s phones\u2014\n\n<strong>8:00<\/strong>\n\n\u2014all of those are all traps that parents can easily walk by and not realize what\u2019s happening below the waterline in this whole digital world. David Eaton and his team have done a great job, and this chapter is radioactive.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Part of the challenge is\u2014our kids are smarter on this stuff than we are! They know more about how to manage technology than we do. One of the things we\u2019re trying to do, here, at FamilyLife is be able to help parents know\u2014at least, be in the game with them; right? We may not be able to know <em>better<\/em> than they do about technology, but maybe we can keep you in the game.\n\n<strong>David:<\/strong> One of the things that is in that chapter that frames up well is: \u201cHow do we do screen discipleship and smartphone discipleship?\u201d It is one of the most formative things in their lives; and if we aren\u2019t viewing that as a discipleship and disciple-making avenue, it\u2019s <em>going<\/em> to be in their lives. It is connected to part of their identity the older they get.\n\nSo how do we\u2014and that\u2019s one of the things that we are seeking to, really, engage in is \u201cHow do we help parents have those constant conversations?\u201d\u2014because it\u2019s not one conversation.\n\n<strong>9:00<\/strong>\n\nIt\u2019s going to be an ongoing ever-going conversation of, \u201cHow do you build those incremental trust elements in, where you give more and more freedom?\u201d\u2014because the goal is: \u201cThey are self-regulated adults.\u201d\n\n<em>I<\/em> have trouble self-regulating sometimes, and so why give the world to your ten-year-old or thirteen-year-old? How do you build trust over time and give them more trust over time?\n\n[Previously Recorded]\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> We\u2019re going to dive in and start interacting with some of the folks, who are calling in. I\u2019m going to go to our friend, Sammie, who is in Nashville, who I think should be live and with us. Sammie, are you there?\n\n<strong>Sammie:<\/strong> I am! Can you hear me?\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I can hear you.\n\n<strong>Barbara: <\/strong>Hey! [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>It\u2019s good to connect with you.\n\n<strong>Sammie:<\/strong> Hi, friends.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> What\u2019s your question, Sammie?\n\n<strong>Sammie:<\/strong> I\u2019m wondering, now that I have teenagers, how can I\u2014and I use this term loosely\u2014force [Laughter] them to do things\u2014especially the perfectionist firstborn\u2014to do things like trying out the things that are new\u2014going to practices, that they\u2019re fearful of. Now, that they\u2019re bigger than me, I can\u2019t just buckle them in a car seat and make them go. [Laughter] Then, a few days later when they don\u2019t go, they regret it.\n\n<strong>10:00<\/strong>\n\nI\u2019m having trouble finding that line between not wanting to guilt or shame or just punish if they don\u2019t do something but realizing that rationalizing, in an irrational moment, doesn\u2019t always work with this age group.\n\n<strong>Barbara:<\/strong> Part of what you\u2019re dealing with is wanting to help them succeed and help them make good choices. A part of growing up is making poor choices or thinking, \u201cI\u2019m not going to go to that,\u201d and then regretting it. I think it\u2019s that evaluating <em>how<\/em> to make a decision that is a whole part of this process. It\u2019s less about the particular situation, or circumstance, or the particular opportunity; and it\u2019s more about helping them understand how to make good decisions\u2014and what to do, on the backside of the decision, if they regret the decision they made\u2014and teaching them how to pray and how to hear from God\u2014all of that works together. It\u2019s not an easy one conversation. It\u2019s an ongoing situation that you\u2019re teaching.\n\n<strong>11:00<\/strong>\n\n<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I\u2019ll tell you a story, here, in a second; but I would just say take a look at Ephesians 2:10\u2014it says, \u201cFor we are His workmanship created in Christ Jesus for good works which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them.\u201d Sammie, I think God\u2019s got good works for your children to perform and participate in. Your assignment is to help them discover how they are God\u2019s work of art\u2014where their gifts are\/their strengths are. Make that a matter of prayer.\n\nI\u2019ll tell you a story: A good friend of mine had his 18-year-old grandson\u2014was talking about quitting basketball. My friend said: \u201cYou know what you need to do? Before you quit basketball, you need to go have an encounter\u2014a quiet, personal, private encounter with Christ and ask Him, \u2018What does He want you to do?\u2019 Get in God\u2019s face and say: \u2018God, You made me. What do You want me to do?\u2019 Two weeks later, the grandson came back, saying, \u2018Grandpa, I\u2019m going to play basketball.\u2019\u201d\n\n<strong>12:00<\/strong>\n\nI think there are opportunities here to help your children experience God. That\u2019s the overall assignment\u2014that your faith becomes <em>their<\/em> faith on their own. In many ways, the word, <em>force<\/em>, I would probably hit the <em>delete<\/em> button on that word for a teenager.\n\n<strong>Sammie:<\/strong> Right.\n\n<strong>Barbara:<\/strong> Even for the way you\u2019re thinking about it, too; because you really don\u2019t have that option much anymore.\n\n<strong>Sammie:<\/strong> Yes; exactly.\n\n<strong>Barbara:<\/strong> Yes, exactly; because they <em>are<\/em> bigger than you and you can\u2019t. It is more about training and coaching and\u2014\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You need to start reorienting yourself, as a parent.\n\n<strong>Barbara: <\/strong>Yes.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>You are not the cop anymore. Now, you are the coach. You\u2019re moving toward being a consultant.\n\n<strong>Barbara:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> So you have to pull back and go: \u201cOkay; they\u2019re going to start making choices that aren\u2019t the choices I would make,\u201d and \u201cI\u2019ve got to learn to be okay with that and let them make some mistakes and fail.\u201d\n\n<strong>Barbara:<\/strong> It\u2019s good for them to make some mistakes and fail when they\u2019re at home.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>That\u2019s right.\n\n<strong>Barbara: <\/strong>You don\u2019t want them to wait until they go off.\n\n<strong>13:00<\/strong>\n\n<strong>Sammie:<\/strong> Right.\n\n<strong>David:<\/strong> Sammie, I love your desire to help your kid take risks. I do think that\u2019s one of those developmental themes in teenage years\u2014to be willing to put yourself out there\u2014because, really, risks are steps of faith.\n\n<strong>Barbara:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>David:<\/strong> It is some of those micro-moments in building faith into their character.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Kathy is on the line with us form Akron, Ohio. Kathy, welcome. Thanks for being with us.\n\n<strong>Kathy:<\/strong> Hello there.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Glad to have you joining us tonight. What\u2019s your question?\n\n<strong>Kathy:<\/strong> I have six relatively-adult children, 21 to 37. They\u2019re all wanting our attention\u2014especially the younger ones of the group are always saying: \u201cYou don\u2019t treat us the same. You don\u2019t treat me like you treated the other ones. You treat them better,\u201d and \u201cYou like them better.\u201d What I tell them is, \u201cI don\u2019t have a favorite child; but at the moment that a child needs me the most, they\u2019re my favorite.\u201d\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> That\u2019s a good answer.\n\n<strong>Barbara:<\/strong> That is a good answer.\n\n<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> That\u2019s a <em>great<\/em> answer.\n\n<strong>Kathy:<\/strong> If I\u2019ve got a sick child, that\u2019s the one that\u2019s my favorite at the time.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Okay; let me go to the parent of six kids here, because they were laughing and nodding as you were asking the question.\n\n<strong>14:00<\/strong>\n\n<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Just tell them this: \u201cRead my lips. Fair is what comes to each town once a year in October.\u201d [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u201cThere\u2019s no such thing as fair.\u201d [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u201cThere is no such thing as fair.\u201d You know, it\u2019s not all going to be equal. We have been accused with unfairness by all of our kids, pointing their fingers at their other siblings.\n\n<strong>Barbara:<\/strong> One of the things that I would encourage you to do is to realize that you can\u2019t make them happy, and you can\u2019t help them understand what fair really is. I mean, they\u2019re never going to totally understand your heart\u2014that you do love them all and you do love them equally\u2014until they are parents. I want to encourage you to let go of feeling the need to explain it and help them all understand how you feel. It\u2019s really not as unfair as they may perceive it is. Obviously, it\u2019s not perfectly fair; because none of us are perfect. Sometimes, I think we parents own more than we should own, especially when they\u2019re 21 and up.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I want to tell you guys that, when our kids were little, I did this all the time\u2014whenever I got them alone, I would say, \u201cDon\u2019t tell your brothers and sisters, but you\u2019re my favorite.\u201d\n\n<strong>15:00<\/strong>\n\n[Laughter] I would do that with <em>each<\/em> of the kids; right?\n\n<strong>Meg:<\/strong> That\u2019s hilarious.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> So they grew up\u2014<em>all of them<\/em>\u2014kind of like it\u2019s between us, just this little secret between us that \u201cI\u2019m the favorite.\u201d And, of course, when they got in their teenage years, they <em>knew<\/em> I was telling everybody; but there is something, even today as adult kids, they will smile and say, \u201cI was always your favorite; wasn\u2019t I?\u201d [Bob speaking in a hushed voice] \u201cOf course, you were. Don\u2019t tell your siblings.\u201d\n\n<strong>Meg: <\/strong>Sweet! That\u2019s great! [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Have you dealt with any of this sibling\u2014\n\n<strong>Meg: <\/strong>Well, from the reverse side. I\u2019m actually the youngest of five\u2014different phases of life\u2014there were times where I felt like, you know, I got slighted or didn\u2019t have things; and then there were times where my siblings looked at me and were like: \u201cThat\u2019s so not fair! She gets to do that. You would never have let us do that!\u201d I think now\u2014I don\u2019t know if your children have children yet or not, Kathy, but for us\u2014\n\n<strong>Kathy: <\/strong>Three of them do.\n\n<strong>Meg: <\/strong>Okay; there you go. For me, I think, even now, having children and as they grow up, I see this reality. It\u2019s just something I couldn\u2019t see at other stages of my life that I see <em>now<\/em> that\u2014like you said\u2014\n\n<strong>16:00<\/strong>\n\n\u2014there are certain times in my kids\u2019 lives where they need me more or I havemore capabilities; or we have a child who\u2019s younger and will see movies that the older ones maybe didn\u2019t get to see at that age or whatever it may be\u2014it may be a small thing; it may be a big thing.\n\n<strong>David:<\/strong> We have one with special needs that obviously can get more attention than the others sometimes. That can be hurled at us. It is one of those things to be honest about. We have to have those honest conversations sometimes because, yes, he does get our attention sometimes more than the others.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Kathy, we appreciate you being with us; and thanks for being a Legacy Partner.\n\n<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Kathy, I would encourage you to get the kit and maybe <em>lead<\/em> a group of parents through the<em> Art of Parenting<\/em>. Session eight is on the power of family. Bob interviewed all of our kids; and they <em>ratted<\/em> on the youngest child, saying, \u201c<em>She<\/em> was the favorite.\u201d [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Well, I asked them all\u2014I had them, one on one\u2014I said, \u201cWas one of you guys the favorite?\u201d They all go, \u201cOh, yes; one of us was the favorite.\u201d They all picked out who was the favorite; and the favorite said, \u201cYes; I was the favorite.\u201d [Laughter]\n\n<strong>17:00<\/strong>\n\nIt was real clear, in the Rainey household, who the favorite child was.\n\n<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yes, yes; of course.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Thank you, again, for joining us tonight; and thanks for being a Legacy Partner.\n\n<strong>Kathy:<\/strong> You\u2019re welcome. It\u2019s my pleasure.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> We\u2019ve got Steve, who is on the line with us from Florida. I can\u2019t say this\u2014it looks like Velcro. Steve, you there?\n\n<strong>Steve:<\/strong> Del Rico.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Okay; well, thanks for being with us tonight. What\u2019s your question?\n\n<strong>Steve:<\/strong> Yes; we have, I guess, maybe becoming less of a unique situation these days. My wife\u2019s sister\/my sister-in-law\u2014she lives in Washington, DC, with her wife, who she\u2019s married to. They now had a baby together. They want their child to have a relationship with my and my wife\u2019s children. My kids are almost nine, six, and two.\n\nWe are struggling with how to biblically love [my] sister-in-law but, also, shield or keep it\u2014I guess for lack of a better word\u2014from our nine, six and two-year-old; because it\u2019s not biblical\u2014the way they are living.\n\n<strong>18:00<\/strong>\n\nBut how to not be fake, in front of our kids, that we\u2019re loving them but tell them then, when we hang up the phone\u2014go, \u201cBy the way, what they\u2019re doing is not right,\u201d but we act like it\u2019s okay when we talk to them.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You know what? This is becoming an issue for more and more families. Dave and Meg, you lived in Manhattan for how long?\u2014for seven years\/ten years? How long were you there?\n\n<strong>David:<\/strong> Only five.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Five years, but you were in the middle of a culture where biblical norms were not the norm; and you were raising kids in the middle of that.\n\n<strong>David:<\/strong> That was on display often; yes.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> How did you deal with that with your kids?\n\n<strong>Meg:<\/strong> I think for us\u2014we even had, you know, kids in our kids\u2019 class, whose parents were the same sex\u2014things like that. We just really encouraged them to love on those kids and be friends with them and didn\u2019t cut off any relationships in that sense.\n\nBut I do think it did require honest conversations, from a really young age, with our kids\u2014\n\n<strong>19:00<\/strong>\n\n\u2014and talking about: \u201cYou know, we love them. We\u2019re friends with them,\u201d\u2014treating them just like we would anyone else\u2014but also pointing our kids to the biblical design for marriage and talking about the way God intends for it.\n\nWe didn\u2019t want our children to treat those people differently because they are choosing something different; but yet, we did feel it is important to reinforce what we believe is God\u2019s design and how He\u2019s created men and women. You know, there\u2019s a lot more to that conversation, obviously.\n\n<strong>David:<\/strong> As we shared truth, there was always that question of: \u201cWhat will our kid say to that other kid?\u2014or to those parents at the park?\u201d or what not; because we did want to be <em>very<\/em> clear on what God\u2019s design is.\n\nI think one of the angles we went, though, was to say, \u201cThis child of theirs is God\u2019s image.\u201d As they have this newborn baby, it\u2019s an opportunity to, actually, move toward them in a unique way; because this baby is made in God\u2019s image and you\u2019re able to love them uniquely.\n\n<strong>20:00<\/strong>\n\nIt gives you an opportunity to love them uniquely.\n\nObviously, you\u2019re going to have different conversations with nine- and eight-year-olds than you would a two-year-old that you have; but yet, this is going to be something they face. To avoid it and to not use the opportunity to speak truth and discern, you know, with your own spouse, \u201cHow do you want to do it?\u201d is really\u2014you\u2019re shielding them in a way. Once they get to certain ages, it actually is an opportunity to communicate about God\u2019s design; but yet, how to still be in a relationship with people that are making decisions.\n\n<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Steve, I would say you\u2019ve got a great opportunity here to prepare your kids to know how to embrace their convictions and what they believe in a culture that doesn\u2019t believe that way.\n\nWe\u2019ve got a friend, who lives on the East Coast. A couple moved in next door to him\u2014two women, who were married and had a child. What my friend did and his family\u2014is they just <em>loved<\/em> on that little boy that was next door, so much so that the two mothers sent him to camp\u2014\n\n<strong>21:00<\/strong>\n\n\u2014a summer camp. He ended up coming to faith in Christ all because they loved on him.\n\nI think we\u2019re in a much larger picture today, teaching our kids knowing how to love people, who don\u2019t think or believe like they do. I\u2019ll tell you\u2014I think you\u2019ve got a great opportunity, here, to make a big point with your kids. I know it\u2019s difficult, because it\u2019s also a family member\u2014that\u2019s a tough one\u2014but I\u2019d make it a matter of prayer and move forward.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I will always come back here, Steve, to John 1:14, which is where Jesus is described as being \u201cthe only begotten Son of the Father, full of grace and truth.\u201d It\u2019s not 50\/50\u2014it\u2019s full of <em>both<\/em>. What we have to figure out is: \u201cHow we can be full of truth? How can we raise our kids to be full of truth?\u201d and \u201cHow can we be, as equally, full of grace in the way we relate to and interact with those around us?\u201d\n\n<strong>22:00<\/strong>\n\nThe pattern of Jesus was to embrace and to love the sinner\u2014the unlovable. At the same time, when confronted, He said to the woman in adultery: \u201cNeither do I condemn you. Go and sin no more.\u201d That\u2019s the grace and truth paradox. Admittedly, it\u2019s easier to talk about than it is to live out.\n\nI understand the challenges of how you go through this; but I think we have to ask the question: \u201cWhere do we lean? Do you lean in the truth direction or in the grace direction?\u201d Whichever way you naturally lean, you should probably just kind of nudge yourself back in the other direction a bit more. [Laughter]\n\nAnything else you want to do to follow up on that, Steve?\n\n<strong>Steve:<\/strong> No; I think you\u2019ve pretty much answered it\u2014to obviously pray for my kids that they can see the truth, because we\u2019re planting it in them; and praying for them, regardless of what they\u2019re seeing somewhere else within the family.\n\n[Studio]\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Well, again, we\u2019ve been listening to a conversation we had recently with a group of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> Legacy Partners\u2014folks who, every month, make a donation.\n\n<strong>23:00<\/strong>\n\nReally, these are the folks who make it possible for <em>you<\/em> to tune in and hear <em>FamilyLife Today. <\/em>When you tune in and you enjoy this program, it\u2019s our Legacy Partners you have to thank, at least, in part.\n\n<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I\u2019m glad you said that, Bob; because we\u2019re still looking, here at yearend, for some more stakeholders to step up and say, \u201cWe want you guys to finish this year strong and be able to keep coming to our home, our community, our state and across the nation with biblical blueprints,\u201d for how you raise a family and make your marriage go the distance.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Well, this is a great time for you to make a yearend donation. You can do it, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com; or you can call 1-800-FL-TODAY. We still have matching funds available in our matching fund that has been put together by some friends of this ministry. It started with a total of $3 million. We\u2019ve seen some of that released already, but we\u2019re hoping to take full advantage of it. Would you make a yearend donation, right now, and help us take full advantage of that matching-gift opportunity?\n\n<strong>24:00<\/strong>\n\nAs I mentioned, when you make a donation today, we\u2019re going to send you the DVD, <em>Like Arrows<\/em>, the movie that FamilyLife created earlier this year. It\u2019s our gift to you as you help support us, here at yearend. Thanks, in advance, for being as <em>generous<\/em> as you can be as you make a yearend donation.\n\nWe hope you can join us back, again, tomorrow when we\u2019re going to take more phone calls from listeners about parenting. Dennis and Barbara Rainey will be here. David and Meg Robbins will be here as well. We hope you can tune in.\n\nI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\n\n<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry.\n\nHelp for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\nWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\n\nCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2018 FamilyLife. 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