{"id":300499,"date":"2019-03-26T11:00:00","date_gmt":"2019-03-26T15:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/relational-engagement\/"},"modified":"2024-10-07T22:41:41","modified_gmt":"2024-10-08T02:41:41","slug":"relational-engagement","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/relational-engagement\/","title":{"rendered":"Relational Engagement"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>guest: Drew Hill | Series: Alongside | Pastor Drew Hill talks straight with parents about engaging kids emotionally. Hill tells parents how to persist in connecting with their teens, even while those same teens are pushing away. Quantity time leads to quality time. Hill recommends parents repeatedly initiate with their kids by going on family walks and enjoying family meals.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Pastor Drew Hill talks straight with parents about engaging kids emotionally. Hill recommends parents repeatedly initiate with their kids by going on family walks and enjoying family meals.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"Pastor Drew Hill talks straight with parents about engaging kids emotionally by initiating with their kids, going on family walks and enjoying family meals.","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2019-03-26.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:27:07","filesize":"24.83M","filesize_raw":"26039757","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2867,2806,2855],"tags":[4161,4159,4160,4158],"podcast_series":[7180],"cwp_profile":[8809],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-300499","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-church-involvement","category-spiritual-development","category-teens","tag-community","tag-gospel","tag-youth-group","tag-youth-ministry","podcast_series-alongside","cwp_profile-drew-hill","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/300499\/relational-engagement","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/300499\/relational-engagement","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"UragDqbPq6\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/relational-engagement\/\">Relational Engagement<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/relational-engagement\/embed\/#?secret=UragDqbPq6\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Relational Engagement&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"UragDqbPq6\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":["https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg",508,508,false]},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"kfairris@familylife.com","author_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/author\/kfairrisfamilylife-com\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"Pastor Drew Hill talks straight with parents about engaging kids emotionally. Hill recommends parents repeatedly initiate with their kids by going on family walks and enjoying family meals.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2019-03-26.pdf","transcript_content":"<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Your children only have one childhood; and as parents, we want their childhood to be as rich and full as it can be. But Drew Hill says a lot of us, as parents, are crowding activities into our children\u2019s lives that, in the end, aren\u2019t going to matter for much.\n\n<strong>Drew: <\/strong>Every \u201cYes,\u201d that we say\u2014if we say: \u201cHoney, you can play basketball,\u201d and \u201cYou can play soccer,\u201d and \u201cYou can do piano lessons,\u201d and \u201cYou can do swim team,\u201d and\u2014fill in the blank\u2014every time we say, \u201cYes,\u201d we\u2019re saying \u201cNo,\u201d to something else. Often, what we\u2019re saying \u201cNo,\u201d to is getting to eat dinner together as a family, getting to have more time to read God\u2019s Word together, getting to have time to lay on our beds and read stories.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Tuesday, March 26<sup>th<\/sup>. Our hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson; I'm Bob Lepine. Stop for a minute and think about the activities your kids are involved with. Are those really the most important activities for them? Have you left some breathing room for you, as a family? We\u2019re going to talk more about that today. Stay with us.\n\nAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. We\u2019re diving into something that I think is at the heart of the video series that we produced, here, at FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, called <em>The Art of Parenting<\/em>, that you guys [Dave and Ann] are a part of. One of the things we talk about here is how important modeling is for our kids and how important it is for us to cultivate a healthy relationship with our kids. To try to parent\u2014absent a good relationship\u2014is just a fool\u2019s exercise; isn\u2019t it?\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Oh, it is; and I\u2019m so glad, Bob, that you have the two perfect modeling parents on your show. [Laughter] That would be\u2014\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>It\u2019s your show!\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>\u2014that would be Ann and I. [Laughter] Actually, Ann was\u2014she <em>was<\/em>. I would give her a tribute right now: \u201cShe was an <em>amazing<\/em> parent.\u201d I was the model of what not to do. [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>That\u2019s not true. [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>They saw what I did and said, \u201cI\u2019m not going to do that.\u201d\n\nBut no; I mean, you\u2019re so right; and Drew\u2019s so right\u2014they will do what we <em>do<\/em>, not what we say.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes.\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>They\u2019re going to <em>follow<\/em> the way we walk, not the way we point; right? That is <em>so<\/em> key.\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>It\u2019s so scary, too; because there were <em>many<\/em> nights that I would lie in bed and think: \u201cJesus, I\u2019m messing them up so badly. Please help me!\u201d\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>The Drew that you\u2019re talking about is Drew Hill, who joins us again on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Drew, welcome back.\n\n<strong>Drew: <\/strong>Thank you for having me. It\u2019s great to be with you.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Drew is a pastor from Greensborough, North Carolina. He has and still does work with Young Life<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>; right?\n\n<strong>Drew: <\/strong>Correct.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>He is married to Natalie; they\u2019ve been married for 14 years\u2014have 3 children.\n\n<strong>Drew: <\/strong>Honey, Hutch, and Macy Heart.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>So, talk to me about Honey, Hutch\u2014\n\n<strong>Drew: <\/strong>\u2014our names? [Laughter] Yes.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014and Macy Heart.\n\n<strong>Drew: <\/strong>Well, we were living in Colorado. I was at Denver Seminary at the time when Honey was born. We wanted some kind of southern\u2014you know, a good southern name. That just kind of came across my head one day\u2014I was like, \u201cNatalie, could we really get away with naming our daughter this kind of name?\u201d Natalie was such a great wife that she agreed. Her first name is Catherine; her middle name\u2019s Honey, but everyone calls her Honey.\n\nHutch was actually the name of my first Young Life guy that I met when I was a college student at the University of North Carolina. His last name was Hutchins, and I named Hutch after him; so Hutch\u2019s name is Hutchins.\n\nThen, when I worked for Young Life in Colorado, our area director had a daughter named Macy that I really loved; but we wanted to kind of more southernize it\u2014you know, with a double name and keep the H\u2019s: Honey, Hutch, and Heart\u2014so we went with Macy Heart.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>There we go!\n\n<strong>Drew: <\/strong>Yes.\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Wow.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Bless your little Macy Heart; right? [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Drew: <\/strong>That\u2019s right. I call her \u201cSweetheart.\u201d I gave her a 30-minute shoulder-ride last night, before I left to come here, around the woods; and it was so special and so sweet. And then I rented a Lime bike\u2014they have baskets on the front\u2014and I didn\u2019t really know what to do; but I put Macy Heart in there, like Elliot did with E.T. I showed her a picture of E.T.\u2014like, \u201cThis is what we\u2019re going to do,\u201d\u2014so we E.T.\u2019d all around the park together\u2014it was really fun.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>So, this is not insignificant\u2014what you\u2019re talking about\u2014because it\u2019s at the heart of what you\u2019ve written about in the book, <em>Alongside<\/em>. If I had to come up with a thesis for this book, it would be that: \u201cThe way God parents us is by incarnational engagement\u2014by having a relationship with us and coming alongside us in the journey that we\u2019re on. When we mess up, He picks us up and dusts us off; and when we do well, He smiles. We need to, as parents, recognize that that relational engagement with our kids is as significant as anything else we\u2019re doing spiritually.\u201d\n\n<strong>Drew: <\/strong>The incarnation is so crucial to our faith\u2014understanding the <em>embodied<\/em> presence of God Himself\u2014Jesus, you know, God with skin on. When I\u2019m speaking with teenagers, I\u2019ll often say: \u201c[Jesus is] God with a bod,\u2014John 1:14\u2014God put on skin and moved into the neighborhood.\u201d\n\nThat\u2019s what we have to do, and that\u2019s our invitation that God has given us to do with our children\u2014is to actually <em>move<\/em> into their world\u2014treat them as experts in their thing and become learners; and come to their world, as a baby, just as God did with us. Hey, we don\u2019t know what we\u2019re doing, as parents\u2014you know, come to them with this humility of a baby and say, \u201cWe want to be <em>with<\/em> you, even if it means us looking like a fool.\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Drew, how do we do that when it feels like they\u2019re pushing us away and they don\u2019t want to have anything to do with us?\n\n<strong>Drew: <\/strong>You know, I think it\u2019s going to take a lot of <em>quantity<\/em> of time in order to get the quality of time that we want. I think it\u2019s going to be so important\u2014if we look at what Jesus did as He took 12 people and He spent <em>every day<\/em>, walking alongside them\u2014being with them and, yet, modeling for them what it looks like to go and be alone with His Father to begin the day\u2014and walking through life, daily, with them.\n\nIf we really want to have an impact and influence our kids, and lead them to Jesus, then it\u2019s going to take a lot of time of us just actually doing what Deuteronomy says\u2014Deuteronomy 6, verse 7 says: \u201cImpress these things on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home, when you walk on the road, when you lie down, and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates.\u201d\n\nWhat are these things? He\u2019s talking about the <em>Shema<\/em>\u2014the great commandment to \u201cLove the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your strength.\u201d Well, when are we going to do that unless we\u2019re spending time with our kids?\u2014impressing these things upon them\u2014talking about them when we\u2019re at home with them, or we\u2019re walking along the road, when we lie down, when we get up. It\u2019s going to be us creating these spaces throughout our days\u2014in the morning\/in the evening.\n\nWhen is the last time that you\u2019ve taken a walk with your kids? You know, so often, before bed we\u2019re stuck watching Netflix or whatever it is that is captivating our attention. What would it look like to just simply say: \u201cHey, I want to do what Deuteronomy 6 says. I want to walk along the way with you. Would you just take a walk with me?\u201d Your kids will push back on that\u2014you know, they\u2019re like: \u201cI don\u2019t want to do this. I want to finish watching this Netflix show.\u201d\n\nWell, instead of taking them by surprise, give them a little bit of a heads-up and say: \u201cHey, we\u2019re going to start something new. As a family, every Sunday night, to begin our week, we\u2019re just going to do a family walk together,\u201d\u2014some nights, we\u2019re going to walk all together; some nights, just mom and son will walk together\u2014\u201cWe\u2019re just going to do a 15-minute walk.\u201d Give them [warning] ahead of time so they know to expect it. Create it as a rhythm of actually getting to walk alongside them. You\u2019ll be surprised\u2014I mean, there will be a lot of awkward, uncomfortable, boring\u2014\u201cNot sure what I\u2019m doing,\u201d \/ \u201cWhy am I doing this?\u201d moments\u2014but over time, it will add up; and it will give your kid a space to open up to you.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Drew, here\u2019s what moms and dads have to recognize\u2014the culture in which we live today is exerting powerful influence on our kids, and saying, \u201cYou will be affirmed, and accepted, and liked if you\u2019ll conform to what we say matters,\u201d\u2014that\u2019s for every middle-school kid\u2014that\u2019s what they\u2019re trying to determine in life\u2014is: \u201cWhat will get me affirmed, and accepted, and liked by other people?\u201d So if the culture says, \u201cThis is what I need to do\u2026\u201d they\u2019re ready to try that; because the hunger to be accepted is <em>huge<\/em>.\n\nMoms and dads, inherently, have more power than the culture has in their kids\u2019 lives; but if they back off, the culture will fill that gap pretty quickly.\n\n<strong>Drew: <\/strong>That\u2019s right. I mean, the Apostle Paul writes in Romans 12\u2014he says, \u201cTherefore, in view of God\u2019s mercy, I urge you, brothers and sisters, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, as holy and pleasing to God; this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the patterns of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.\u201d So he gives this plea: \u201cHey, don\u2019t conform; but be transformed.\u201d\n\nBut how does he begin that?\u2014do you remember what I said there at the beginning? He says, \u201cTherefore, in view of\u201d\u2014what?\u2014\u201cGod\u2019s mercy...\u201d What we have to do is\u2014we have to <em>show<\/em> kids that we\u2019re not just giving them a to-do list to transform them\/to make them a better person, but it is all in response to being loved. We can only love because He has first loved us. If we want to walk alongside kids, then the best thing we can do is realize that we have a God that wants to walk alongside us.\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>So, talk to the parent\u2014because I\u2019ve been that parent\u2014I\u2019ve been the pastor, on stage, preaching the <em>Shema:<\/em> \u201cLove the Lord God with all your heart.\u201d I\u2019ve been the parent, on stage, preaching Deuteronomy 6, \u201cAs you walk along the way, teach them to love God.\u201d But I\u2019ve also realized it\u2019s an overflow\u2014if <em>I<\/em> don\u2019t have it, I can\u2019t give it away.\n\nSo, the parents listening are just like us\u2014they\u2019re running, crazy, from this event to that event\u2014even all our kids\u2019 activities. I\u2019m sitting here, thinking, \u201cHow in the world do I find time to cultivate this walk with God that I can overflow into my children?\u201d What would you say to them?\n\n<strong>Drew: <\/strong>It\u2019s really hard, and we have to make really hard decisions. Natalie and I, thankfully, are walking through this now with <em>younger<\/em> kids. A lot of our friends have older children; and as a pastor, working with parents who have teenagers, I\u2019m getting to walk alongside them and learn from them.\n\nBut I\u2019ve realized that every \u201cYes,\u201d that we say\u2014if we say: \u201cHoney, you can play basketball,\u201d and \u201cYou can play soccer,\u201d and \u201cYou can do piano lessons,\u201d and \u201cYou can do swim team,\u201d and\u2014fill in the blank\u2014every time we say, \u201cYes,\u201d we\u2019re saying \u201cNo,\u201d to something else. Often, what we\u2019re saying \u201cNo,\u201d to is getting to eat dinner together as a family, getting to have more time to read God\u2019s Word together, getting to have time to lay on our beds and read stories. If you can do it when the kid\u2019s younger, then it gets way easier.\n\nNow, some of the listeners today are listening to this and feel like: \u201cMan, I\u2019ve already messed up,\u201d\u2014you know, like\u2014\u201cI\u2019ve said \u2018Yes,\u2019 to too many things; our kids are just too busy,\u201d and \u201cIf I yank that away from them, they\u2019re going to hate me,\u201d\u2014you know\u2014\u201cThey\u2019re not going to want to talk to me if I say, \u2018You can\u2019t do this anymore.\u2019\u201d\n\nSo, instead of <em>mandating<\/em> it, when kids get older, we have to have these conversations <em>with<\/em> them and allow them to have input in that. Often, the best way to do that is to invite other people into that conversation; because so often, they don\u2019t want to listen to you, as their parent; but they\u2019re willing to listen to someone, who\u2019s maybe in between your age and theirs. So, what would it look like to invite somebody over for dinner\u2014who is a college student, or a young adult, or kind of someone like a spiritual aunt or uncle to them?\u2014and say: \u201cHey, we\u2019d love for you to tell us your story. What do you think about when you look back over your high school experience? What would you have done differently?\u201d Allow our kids to hear and learn from <em>them<\/em>; it\u2019s often a good and sneaky way to allow them to hear the truth.\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>So Drew, how would you encourage parents to <em>start<\/em> that process?\n\n<strong>Drew: <\/strong>Often, we can use rites of passages with kids as turning points or mile-markers in their lives. We had a kid at our church, who was turning 16. His mom called me and said\u2014she\u2019s a single mom\u2014she\u2019s like: \u201cI don\u2019t know what to do for my son\u2019s birthday, but I know you\u2019ve talked about how important it is to really celebrate this milestone. Can you help me?\u201d We brainstormed together and came up with a list of about 20 guys who had some kind of influence in his life\u2014invited them all over to her housel. We had a cookout, a bonfire, and a time where we all looked at him and spoke truth over him and said, \u201cThis is what we see in you,\u201d and we prayed for him. It was <em>such<\/em> a powerful night to do together.\n\nI talked to the mom about how important it was to create, almost, a personal board of directors for kids; so when they graduate from high school, you have folks who can write you recommendation letters; you have folks who can come around you and give you really nice graduation gifts\u2014but don\u2019t just do it for that!\u2014do it because <em>we<\/em> need one another. I mean, so much of Scripture is written to the <em>plural<\/em>\u2014it\u2019s written to the church\u2014not to individuals. We have to function, as a church, together. This is not for the faint of heart\u2014it\u2019s not an easy job\u2014it\u2019s not one that a parent can do on their own. That\u2019s why the parent needs the church to come alongside them and say: \u201cHelp me raise my kids. I need you to be a spiritual aunt and a spiritual uncle.\u201d\n\nAsk your child, when they turn 12\u2014say: \u201cHey, on your 13<sup>th<\/sup> birthday, I want to have a celebration,\u201d and \u201cI want you to begin building a personal board of directors that you\u2019re going to meet with, quarterly or once a semester. These are going to be men and women in your life, who have wisdom that they can give you; because there are going to be a lot of times you don\u2019t want to hear from me.\u201d Give them a chance to begin building that on their own: \u201cHey, come to me with a list of who five people would be that you maybe would put on that team.\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Yes; we\u2019ve also discovered\u2014and it was amazing to see God answer this prayer\u2014we got on our knees, as parents, when our kids were\u2014what?\u2014seven\/eight years old, knowing they\u2019re headed into teenage years\u2014and started begging God for a mentor for each of our three sons. We didn\u2019t know if it would be the same person\/different person\u2014didn\u2019t know how God would answer it\u2014but once you started praying that, then, we\u2019re walking around, looking with our eyes\u2014like, \u201cCould there be one?\u201d Frank shows up\u2014he\u2019s an attorney in our church. Just like you said\u2014it\u2019s like a board of directors pouring into them; literally, changing them as much as we ever did.\n\n<strong>Drew: <\/strong>But here\u2019s why we don\u2019t do that\u2014is because we are captivated by shame. It is like we\u2019re in this prison of shame; and we feel like, \u201cI don\u2019t have it all together, and I can\u2019t trust anybody else, because they don\u2019t have it all together either.\u201d It\u2019s like we\u2019re in this prison, and we can\u2019t get out of it.\n\nWell, how do we get out of it? Well, it starts the same way that everything involved in our faith does\u2014we have to confess that we don\u2019t have it all together; we have to admit that we need help. We have to cry out to the Lord: \u201cRescue me. Save me. I need help; I\u2019m desperate upon You.\u201d We are wanting our kids to be dependent upon us, as their parents; we have to model that by being dependent upon the Lord as our <em>only<\/em> hope.\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>I had a very pivotal parenting moment when three of our sons\u2014they were all teenagers\u2014and I was <em>so frustrated<\/em> with all of them. I had to get out of the house and go on a walk and talk to God\u2014and honestly\u2014vent to God. So I\u2019m on this four-mile walk\u2014\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>It took a long time! [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>It did; I\u2019m not kidding\u2014the whole time, I was praying and venting to God. I was saying: \u201cGod, are You seeing this?! Are You seeing what CJ\u2019s like?! Are You seeing what Austin\u2019s\u2014are You seeing what Cody\u2019s doing?!\u201d\n\nI\u2019m afraid\u2014I think, so often, we\u2019re afraid, as parents, of failure; so I\u2019m saying, \u201cOkay, Lord; tell me what You think about CJ.\u201d I\u2019m telling you\u2014God spoke to me through His Spirit in my mind\u2014I heard Him say, \u201cIsn\u2019t he the most <em>delightful<\/em> human you\u2019ve ever encountered?\u201d I was like, \u201cNo! [Laughter] I am not seeing it!\u201d\n\nThe more I asked Him about it, He painted a picture to me of how He created CJ and how He took total delight and fascination with who he is. Then I did Austin, and then I did Cody. I went home from that <em>long<\/em> walk, and I saw them with new eyes\u2014I saw them the way the <em>Father<\/em> saw them, who created them. Instead of speaking <em>death<\/em>, and hopelessness, and <em>fear<\/em> into them, I started to <em>see<\/em> them in a new way.\n\nNow, mind you, I was still frustrated, at points; but I have never lost that picture of who God said they were. It made me realize, \u201cI need to ask the Father, more often, what He thinks of my kids.\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>It is amazing; I didn\u2019t go on that walk, but I did watch\u2014you know, Proverbs 18 says, \u201cLife and death is in the power of the tongue.\u201d I <em>watched<\/em> her speak life, as a parent, into these boys, now, with a different mindset.\n\nHow important is it, as a parent or anybody coming alongside somebody to mentor them, to speak life?\n\n<strong>Drew: <\/strong>Yes; there\u2019s a whole chapter in <em>Alongside<\/em> that is called \u201cCrowns.\u201d It talks about just holding crowns above kids\u2019 heads and letting them grow into them. You know, we call them a prince or a princess when they\u2019re a child; but so often, by the time they get to be a teenager, we don\u2019t treat them like that\u2014we see the cracks. But what would it look like to see the light of Christ shining through those cracks and being beautiful?\u2014and holding that crown above their head and speaking truth over them?\n\nWe\u2019ve started really asking a lot of the students in our church to start serving as leaders. We\u2019ve, essentially, given them keys to the church\u2014actually, some physical keys, where: \u201cHey, you have a key to this sound closet. You\u2019re in charge of the sound team,\u201d \u201cHey, you\u2019re on the worship team, even though you\u2019re 14 years old. God\u2019s given you a beautiful voice. We want you to, not just be on the team, but we want you to learn and grow to be a worship leader.\u201d How can we point out these gifts that God\u2019s given them and call them to step up and grow into those gifts?\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I remember hearing a dad talk about just what you\u2019re talking about\u2014he said, \u201cI would look for\u201d\u2014what he called\u2014\u201cdirected delights.\u201d \u201cI would see, \u2018What did my child delight in, as a child?\u2019 and then I would come alongside and help direct that delight in a Godward direction.\u201d He said, \u201cI\u2019d put fertilizer around that; I\u2019d help fund that.\u201d\n\nHe said: \u201cOne of my kids liked to draw. I would talk to this son about, \u2018How could your drawing be something that would point people to Jesus or would cause them to think about God?\u2019\u201d He said, \u201cI bought him an art desk; I bought him paper; I bought him a pencil set with all different kinds of pencils.\u201d He said, \u201cI was happy to invest in those kinds of things, because I wanted to see what was delighting him be moved in a Godward direction.\u201d\n\nI think for moms and dads to stop and say: \u201cWhat is it that our kids find delight in?\u201d and \u201cHow can we help them thrive in that area in a way that\u2019s going to be pleasing to the Lord?\u201d That just helps gives them a sense of: \u201cThis is the person God made me to be, and I want to grow into that\u201d; right?\n\n<strong>Drew: <\/strong>That\u2019s beautiful.\n\nI remember\u2014after I was out of the house, my parents took another loan out on the house. I think they\u2019re still paying for it\u201445 years later here\u2014[Laughter]\u2014but they renovated our basement. It was just a rough basement, but they put\u2014we call it the \u201cBoom-boom Room\u201d\u2014they put carpet that you\u2019d find in a skating rink in there and all these really colorful couches and chairs. It wasn\u2019t a huge basement, but they created it to be this space where kids could come and hang out and be together. There\u2019s a keyboard down there, and a TV, and video games, and a soda-top table.\n\nIt was a really fun place; but they did it because my sister <em>loved<\/em> people. She would always be going to other people\u2019s houses to hang out; but they wanted her [to invite others] over and use that gift of hospitality that God had given her, so they invested in this room. Over and over again, I would hear my mom talking about kids coming up the steps, from the basement, and just sitting at the kitchen table and talking with my mom\u2014and her getting to kind of be a second spiritual mom to these girls, who were my sister\u2019s age, when they were seniors in high school.\n\nWhen we invest in the things that they\u2019re passionate about\u2014and when we give them those art lessons or create a space for them to be hospitable, we are really calling out the <em>imago Dei<\/em> in them; we\u2019re calling forth the image of God in them\u2014we\u2019re calling forth that image that God had created them to be\u2014a creator. We are all creative people, and so many high schoolers have this gift of creativity that we have to call forth in them. It\u2019s a great point that you\u2019ve made.\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>You know, we started this conversation with sort of the word, \u201cpursue.\u201d God pursues us\u2014even when we\u2019re running away, God pursues us.\n\nWe, as parents, now, pursue. Everything you just said, you can\u2019t do unless you\u2019re looking, and analyzing, and saying, \u201cGod, give me a heart to pursue, to pursue, pursue,\u201d and you come alongside. I mean, the title of your book is awesome. It\u2019s just like God comes alongside us; and we come alongside, and we draw out greatness. It\u2019s a great word.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Well, and it\u2019s a great book too. It\u2019s a book that gives us strategies, as parents, on how to walk alongside our kids and to draw out their own understanding of the <em>imago Dei<\/em> that God has printed on their soul. We have copies of the book, <em>Alongside: Loving Teenagers with the Gospel<\/em>, by Drew Hill. You can go to our website to order your copy. The website is FamilyLifeToday.com. Again, the title of the book is <em>Alongside<\/em>. You can also call to request your copy of the book. The number to call is 1-800-FL-TODAY. Again, the website: FamilyLifeToday.com; or call 1-800-358-6329\u20141-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d Ask for your copy of Drew Hill\u2019s book, <em>Alongside<\/em>.\n\nYou know, we have had the opportunity this week to get together with some of our friends and radio station partners from all across the country. For some of them, it\u2019s the first time that they\u2019ve had a chance to meet you guys, Dave and Ann, face to face, and to get to know your story. To help them get to know you better, we provided a lot of them with copies of your new book, <em>Vertical Marriage<\/em>. We\u2019d like to do that same thing for regular <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> listeners, who would like to get to know you guys better.\n\nThe book, <em>Vertical Marriage<\/em>, does a great job of helping us understand what\u2019s at the center of <em>your<\/em> marriage; and at the same time, you\u2019re giving great instruction and help for all of us as we navigate our own marriage relationship. We\u2019d love to send you a copy of Dave and Ann Wilson\u2019s book, <em>Vertical Marriage<\/em>, as a way of saying, \u201cThank you for your ongoing support of the ministry of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u201d <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is listener-dependent. The reason we\u2019re on the air today is because there have been friends, in the past, who have said, \u201cWe believe in what you\u2019re doing, and we want to see it continue.\u201d\n\nIt\u2019s easy to donate; you can do that online at FamilyLifeToday.com, or you can call 1-800-FL-TODAY. Again, we\u2019d love to send you a copy of Dave and Ann Wilson\u2019s book, <em>Vertical Marriage<\/em>, as our thank-you gift when you make a donation today. Again, the website: FamilyLifeToday.com; or call to donate at 1-800-FL-TODAY.\n\nNow, as we\u2019ve been talking about the importance of presence with our kids today, we\u2019ve had the President of FamilyLife, David Robbins, present with us and listening in on this conversation. Welcome back, David.\n\n<strong>David: <\/strong>Thanks, Bob. It was such a good conversation. It reminds me of what Paul wrote in 1 Corinthians 3\u2014he said, \u201cI planted the seeds; Apollos watered it, but God has been making it grow.\u201d I think it causes me to ask, in my own kids\u2019 lives, \u201cWhat are the gifts and passions that have been planted into my kids?\u201d And for all of us to ask: \u201cWhat has been uniquely implanted in the kids that we have and the grandkids that we have? How can we figure out ways to fertilize and to water the things that have been put inside of them? What are skills, and experiences, and people we can expose them to?\u201d\n\nI encourage us to ask God for vision\u2014for eyes to see what He has already planted in the children that we have that He wants to grow, even if it\u2019s something we\u2019re not that interested in. I think I\u2019m challenged. I invite all of us, not just to have a theoretical conversation about it, but to think, \u201cWhat\u2019s one way, in the next 48 hours, we can take a step to cultivate what God has put in our kids?\u201d\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I always come back to Ephesians 2:10\u2014our kids \u201care His workmanship, created in Christ for good works,\u201d that He\u2019s already laid out for them. Our job, as parents, is to help figure out: \u201cWhat are those good works?\u201d and \u201cHow can we point them in the right direction and let them go?\u201d\u2014 right?\n\n<strong>David: <\/strong>Let\u2019s call them out; yes.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>That\u2019s good. Thank you, David.\n\nTomorrow, we want to talk about what we do, as parents, when our past includes things we\u2019re not proud of. Do we expose our kids to that? When do we bring them in on our story enough to let them know about the parts that we\u2019d rather keep hidden? Drew Hill\u2019s going to join us to talk about that tomorrow. I hope you can be with us as well.\n\nI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back tomorrow for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\n\n<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\nWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\n\nCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2019 FamilyLife. 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