{"id":300405,"date":"2018-10-08T11:00:00","date_gmt":"2018-10-08T15:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/the-golden-rule-of-communication\/"},"modified":"2024-10-07T22:41:35","modified_gmt":"2024-10-08T02:41:35","slug":"the-golden-rule-of-communication","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/the-golden-rule-of-communication\/","title":{"rendered":"The Golden Rule of Communication"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Dr. Emerson Eggerichs encourages listeners to ask themselves four questions before saying and sending anything to another person: Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary? Is it clear?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2018-10-08.mp3","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:25:30","filesize":"23.34M","filesize_raw":"24477911","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[10350,2089],"tags":[4527,4570,4571,4572,4551,4569],"podcast_series":[7254],"cwp_profile":[3367],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-300405","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-digital-and-media-choices","category-media-and-entertainment","tag-communication","tag-email","tag-instant-message","tag-mobile-devices","tag-smartphone","tag-speak-the-truth-in-love","podcast_series-before-you-hit-send","cwp_profile-emerson-eggerichs","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/300405\/the-golden-rule-of-communication","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/300405\/the-golden-rule-of-communication","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"KhciLed2Dc\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/the-golden-rule-of-communication\/\">The Golden Rule of Communication<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/the-golden-rule-of-communication\/embed\/#?secret=KhciLed2Dc\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;The Golden Rule of Communication&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"KhciLed2Dc\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2018-10-08.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2018-10-08.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Think for a minute about the last thing you said\u2014either to someone, face to face, or in an email, or on social media. Was it truthful and was it loving? Here\u2019s Emerson Eggerichs.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Emerson:<\/strong> Truth without love is really clubbing someone. <a id=\"_Hlk525399248\">In general, interpersonal dynamics\u2014\u201cYou know what? I\u2019m just going to give people a piece of my mind,\u201d\u2014well, first of all, you can ill afford to lose what little you have left up there. But secondly\u2014you know, again, they\u2019re not going to hear you. <\/a><a id=\"_Hlk525399652\">So when I draft an email: \u201cIs the tone here? You know, the truth is there, but what is the tone?\u201d<\/a>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Monday, October 8<sup>th<\/sup>. Our host is Dennis Rainey; I'm Bob Lepine. The Bible tells us we are to speak the truth in love. That applies, not only to the things we say, but to the things we type as well. We\u2019ll talk more about that today. Stay with us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>1:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. So has this ever happened to you?\u2014have you ever hit send and then thought \u201cOh man, I\u2026\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Oh yes. I was in a meeting one time\u2014you know this because you heard me apologize for this\u2014[Laughter]\u2014but I was in a meeting on a very delicate subject. I was taking notes, and they were shorthand; okay?\u2014so I was not writing this for <em>anybody<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014just for yourself.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014for myself, <em>but<\/em> I went ahead and typed in \u201cDistribution: All Staff,\u201d which was\u2014I was going to clean it up later, and hit the send button and send it out. I was in that meeting, and I hustled to get out of there. I had to leave early; because we had another meeting at lunch, and then I got a text. [Laughter] I looked, and I went, \u201cOh my goodness!\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Your shorthand notes\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>2:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> What did it say? And here\u2019s the thing, there was really nothing terribly wrong\u2014it is just nothing had a context. It wasn\u2019t properly positioned to communicate, so I\u2019ve learned the lesson. You don\u2019t put the distribution or the person in the\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014in the send box.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014in the send box until you are ready to send it. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I know there have been many times when you have written\u2014thought\/typed up\u2014things that have sat dormant for a while.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Oh I\u2019ve hit the delete button more than once. By the way, just so our listeners know, I did double back on this one and apologize to all the staff and apologize to the group of people who were offended by my note.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014your shorthand notes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014by my notes. And honestly, they should have been; because it was not properly presented. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOur guest on the show today is nodding his head. I guess I\u2019ve just got to ask you, Dr. Emerson Eggerichs: \u201cHave you ever sent an email before you intended to send it?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>3:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Emerson:<\/strong> Well, as you were saying, \u201cYes,\u201d\u2014I mean, I wrote the book out of all the failures. I think one of the things that is most common with us is\u2014there, you see, inadvertently, we hit send when we didn\u2019t intend to\u2014we were going to go back and clean it up. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhere my mistake has always been is the use of humor.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Emerson:<\/strong> It comes across as sarcasm\/as a put down; and people completely misunderstood. Then I get myself in trouble, and I\u2019m having to go back and seek forgiveness because, what I thought was just a silly comment, they took it very personal. But that\u2019s just\u2014all of these things that we\u2019re talking about can put us in a position where we hit send inappropriately because we haven\u2019t abided by certain principles that will guard us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And it\u2019s not just in social media, by the way.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Emerson:<\/strong> Correct.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> It can happen with our tongues and lips as well.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Emerson:<\/strong> Absolutely.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Emerson has written a new book. Many of our listeners know of him by his <em>New York Time<\/em>\u2019s bestseller, <em>Love and Respect<\/em>. This new one is called <em>Before You Hit Send: Preventing Headache and Heartache. <\/em>[Laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>4:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tEmerson has been married to Sarah since 1973. They have three adult children. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis is really about how we relate to each other, not just in\u2014as I said, around social media\u2014but in marriage, with our kids, with friends, with extended family members. Why don\u2019t you let our listeners know what those four questions you ask at the beginning of your book\u2014kind of how you built this book around those four.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Emerson:<\/strong> Well, I was\u2014it actually began when I was a student at Wheaton\u2014had just come to Christ at age 16\u2014found out that Billy Graham went to Wheaton\u2014because I came to Christ through the Billy Graham film, <em>For Pete\u2019s Sake<\/em>. I wanted to be an effective communicator because I always felt like I was putting my foot in my mouth or people would look at me. I always used to say, \u201cI know what I mean; I just can\u2019t say it.\u201d But they\u2019d say, \u201cWell if you can\u2019t say it, you don\u2019t know what you mean.\u201d [Laughter] You know\u2014that idea. I had this desire to be a more effective communicator\u2014I felt like God was calling me to ministry\u2014I felt like I really needed to know how to do this. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>5:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn chapel, somebody was giving credit to Socrates as they were presenting in this chapel: \u201cBefore you speak,\u201d\u2014Socrates, who was credited with it, said\u2014\u201cYou need to ask yourself: \u2018Is it true? Is it kind?\u2019 and \u2018Is it necessary?\u2019\u201d Dennis and Bob, as I sat there, something just clicked in me\u2014it\u2019s like: \u201cYou know what? That\u2019s a <em>great<\/em> guide for me \/ that\u2019s a great checklist for me. It wasn\u2019t that I was <em>trying<\/em> to be untruthful, but there were times I might not tell the <em>whole<\/em> truth. I conveniently kept things back\u2014because I was insecure and wanted myself to look good\u2014and didn\u2019t kind of communicate everything. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI certainly knew I had the proclivity to be unkind. I knew that bully\/angry\u2014you know, saying what\u2019s unnecessary. I kind of feel like Peter, who on the mount of transfiguration said\u2014Peter, not knowing what to say, said\u2014[Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yes; I can identify with that! [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Emerson:<\/strong> So saying things that you just don\u2019t need to say. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut then, I added a fourth: \u201cIs it clear?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>6:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBecause over the years, I thought that I was communicating truthfully, kindly, necessarily; and still, people were saying, \u201cI\u2019m not tracking with you.\u201d So it was important for me, as a person, to make sure, \u201cIs this really clear to <em>me<\/em>?\u201d Pastors say, \u201cIf there is a miss in the pulpit, there\u2019s a fog in the pew.\u201d If I\u2019m not clear within myself, it\u2019s certainly going to, probably, be confusing to others. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBack, when I was like 20 years of age, I began to try to figure out: \u201cIf I\u2019m going to say something, what would be a quick checklist for me to go through?\u201d\u2014for me personally. I didn\u2019t think about ever writing a book on this. It was just: \u201cI want to keep myself out of trouble\u201d; you know? I wanted people to get the right idea rather than the wrong idea.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And those four questions have kind of a cadence\/a rhythm to them that remind us of Philippians 4:8, where we\u2019re told to think on things that are pure, and honorable, and true. Really, the beginning of all communication begins with: \u201cAre we thinking the right things before we ever engage our speaking?\u201d\u2014right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>7:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Emerson:<\/strong> Yes, yes; and then to that point on Scripture\u2014I had the privilege of studying the Bible for 30 hours a week for nearly 20 years, as a senior pastor. We all quote: \u201cSpeak the truth in love.\u201d There are two of them right there\u2014the first two: truth and kindness\u2014so \u201cSpeak the truth in love.\u201d Everybody\u2014they don\u2019t know the reference on that\u2014but they all: \u201cWe\u2019re to speak the truth in love.\u201d We kind of know it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAlso, there\u2019s a time to speak and a time to refrain. We kind of know that out of Ecclesiastes. And Paul even prayed, himself\u2014that he would speak as clearly as he ought to speak. We see the idea that, if a person doesn\u2019t understand, you\u2019re like a cymbal\/a clanging bell or whatever. We, instinctively, kind of know. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, we spent money on research. A professor\/an academic, who did a national study for us, came back and said, \u201cThis is mind boggling.\u201d All four of these are distinct. It\u2019s not like they blend together or they whet over\u2014you can kind of remove one of them from the equation and you\u2019re still going to be okay. He said: \u201cThis is mind boggling. They all must be in place.\u201d The point is that: \u201cIf they are, then hit send.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe other side\u2014someone read the book and said: \u201cI thought you were telling us to shut up. You\u2019re actually telling us to speak up.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>8:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYes; we need the courage then\u2014and this is where most of us are\u2014we lack the courage when we should say what\u2019s true. Say it in a kind way; say what\u2019s necessary; say it clearly; and if all those align, we need to communicate it. But the problem, of course, is that, if we don\u2019t think through ahead of time, we end up putting our foot in our mouth. I used to put both feet in my mouth and wonder why I couldn\u2019t walk. [Laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Well, are you\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Emerson:<\/strong> Do you like that image?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Look at my face, right here. [Laughter] These look like dimples; they\u2019re heel marks. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Emerson:<\/strong> \u2014from yourself. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I mean, I\u2019ve got that same foot-in-mouth disease as you have. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe do lack courage when it comes to speaking the truth, but we also lack love.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Emerson:<\/strong> Correct.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And that is one of the things you talk about in your book that I really like\u2014is that these things need to be held in proper tension with each other, because kindness and love make hearing possible of the truth.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Emerson:<\/strong> Someone comes to us and speaks what\u2019s truth\u2014but we don\u2019t think they really care about us; they\u2019re not saying it in a way that will give us the impression that they really love us or they respect us; or they\u2019re saying it kindly\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>9:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014long-term, it\u2019s just not going to be received\u2014it\u2019s just simply not. Truth without love is really clubbing someone. Now, if I\u2019m in a medical room and I\u2019m\u2014you know, the doctor says, \u201cUnless we do this, you\u2019re going to die.\u201d Obviously, he doesn\u2019t have to say it in a way that makes me feel good. I want him to get on with it, you know. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn general, interpersonal dynamics: \u201cYou know what? I\u2019m just going to give people a piece of my mind,\u201d\u2014well, first of all, you can ill afford to lose what little you have left up there. [Laughter] Secondly\u2014you know, again, they\u2019re not going to hear you if it doesn\u2019t feel loving to the person. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, that doesn\u2019t mean that we are unloving because they say it feels unloving. Sometimes, you can be truthful and people say you\u2019re being cruel, when the truth is you care for them\u2014more like a mother toward her son \/ father toward a daughter\u2014whatever. But, by and large, the principle holds. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, when I draft an email: \u201cIs the tone here? The truth is there, but what is the tone?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat does that feel like?\u201d That\u2019s why one of the principles is: \u201cLet it set for a while,\u201d or I have Sarah read this.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>10:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBecause, again, we can have good intentions; but if the other person feels that somehow, we\u2019re saying something that\u2019s bullying them \/ is rude, they\u2019re probably not going to receive it; because I take the position that most of us feel badly about ourselves to begin with. We certainly don\u2019t want to feel worse on the heels of reading your email.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Most teenagers feel badly about themselves, too, by the way. We found, as parents, that if you want to be able to guide them through the perilous teenage years\u2014if you are about to bring a boundary around them\u2014like they want to stay out later than they are supposed to be staying out\u2014Barbara and I would practice\u2014and this was so difficult. It was so hard not to react and go: \u201cWhat are you thinking about?! There\u2019s nothing good that can happen after midnight! I mean, let\u2019s talk about this.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tInstead, we say, \u201cYou know,\u201d\u2014and I\u2019d like to say we did this a few times right; okay? Emerson, but not every time.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Emerson:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> We had four teenagers at one time. Sometimes, they just wear you out, you know? [Laughter] We would try to say to them: \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI\u2019m hearing you say you\u2019d like to extend the boundary of when you come home. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>11:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI just want you to know your mom and I are really committed to helping you grow up, and know how to handle freedom, and how to be able to handle everything when you\u2019re out on your own later on. I want you to know, if there is any way we can let you do this, we will do it! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut you need to know, if we don\u2019t think it\u2019s a good idea, right now, for a 15-year-old or a 14-year-old to stay out past midnight, then I just want you to know we\u2019re going to come back and we\u2019re going to be united, as a couple, and we\u2019re going to talk about that and why it\u2019s not wise.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, I wish I could say we did that every time\u2014Barbara and I\u2014but we didn\u2019t. But the times we did, it did take the <em>sting<\/em> out of the truth, which was: \u201cYou know, you\u2019re just not quite ready to have that amount of freedom right now.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> As you\u2019re describing that, I\u2019m thinking about a coworker we had, here, at FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> for a number of years. He had a nickname\u2014I remember friends referring to this guy as \u201cThe velvet brick.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>12:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHe was the guy who, when he sat down with you, he would tell you the truth in clear terms. You walked away feeling challenged and affirmed, simultaneously. I think part of it was\u2014you knew this guy was on your side and was for you and not against you. So, even when he said the hard things, he said them wisely. You walked away, going, \u201cOkay; that was hard to hear, but I know it\u2019s coming from somebody who cares about me and who is on my side.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat\u2019s an important foundation. If we\u2019re communicating with people, we have to know: \u201cWhat\u2019s our relationship with these people?\u201d to understand how our communication\u2019s going to be received.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Emerson:<\/strong> Well, and that first point of: \u201cIt is true?\u201d\u2014and this is beautifully said by both of you. You know, we have to convey to other people that we have the best version of them in our minds\u2014you know, that we have their best interest \/ that we have good will toward them. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>13:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe idea you guys are both saying here is potent because, again, if I\u2019m speaking the truth simply because you\u2019re bothering me\u2014you know, I\u2019m telling you the truth because I need you to <em>knock<\/em> it off\u2014yes, that may be true; but the other side of it is\u2014if I say it in such way: \u201cThe reason I\u2019m bringing this up\u2014and it\u2019s hard for me to say this because I don\u2019t want you to reject me\u2014I think I believe in you maybe at times more than you believe in yourself. How do I say this in such a way that you don\u2019t think I\u2019m trying to put you down as much as helping you understand that I\u2019m for you?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe had an idea with my son one time\u2014David, our middle\u2014I said: \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThere are three concepts. There is authority; there\u2019s responsibility and freedom. You\u2019re wanting more freedom, and you don\u2019t want my authority; but you want me to be responsible for you. [There are] three pieces of a pie. As you become freer, that pie piece is going to enlarge; so my authority is going to decrease, and my responsibility is going to decrease for you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut you\u2019re a man\u2019s man\u2014and if you want me not to have authority over you and you to increase that freedom\u2014you know, the truth is you can be totally free by becoming completely responsible for yourself. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>14:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you want 100 percent responsibility for yourself\u2014and I want that for you\u2014you know, the truth is\u2014when you leave the home \/ mom and I want that\u2014and when you do, we\u2019re going to party; \u2014 okay? We\u2019re going to party.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> We did; we did!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Emerson:<\/strong> Exactly; he used to grin at that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut the point is: \u201cI want your freedom. But in the meantime, there\u2019s going to be this normal tension. So how do I communicate to you that I\u2019m going to have authority over you?\u2014you\u2019re not going to have as much freedom. I\u2019m going to take a lot of responsibility for you, but there\u2019s always going to be a tension here. How do I communicate this to you where you don\u2019t feel I\u2019m trying to say you\u2019re not a man or that I\u2019m controlling?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat\u2019s that idea of trying to say to a person, \u201cI\u2019m for you.\u201d Your ultimate goal, which we\u2014your point: \u201cI want you to be free. Our success, as a parent, is contingent upon your freedom and being successful at that. We\u2019re on the same page there, but it\u2019s now an issue of timing.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Of the four areas: \u201cIs it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary? Is it clear?\u201d\u2014those four questions\u2014is there one that is more routinely violated than another? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>15:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI know we\u2019re different personalities\/different people, and we may have our own blind spot in any of those areas; but in general, in our communication, do we tend to be less true, less kind, less necessary, or less clear in how we communicate\u2014do you think?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Emerson:<\/strong> Well that\u2019s an excellent question\u2014no one\u2019s really asked that of me. As I pointed out, they\u2019re distinct and they\u2019re all vital. I think the key is truthfulness\u2014I mean, to what extent are people lying and being untruthful? That sets off the domino effect and \u201cWhat difference does it make if I\u2019m kind, and I\u2019m lying to you?\u201d\u2014you know, I tell you I\u2019m lying. So I think\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And I\u2019m clear\u2014I\u2019m being real clear. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Emerson:<\/strong> \u201cI\u2019m clear about this lie.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I was guilty about that, as a kid. I don\u2019t remember all my lies, but I remember some of them. I was real clear about my lie. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Emerson:<\/strong> It was necessary!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yes; it was necessary. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut here\u2019s what I want you to tell\u2014tell the story of Teddy Roosevelt, because there is a consequence when somebody is caught in a lie.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Emerson:<\/strong> Right; right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>16:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWell, the story is that he was a cattle rancher; and he had hired this individual. They were out roaming the territory. There would be these, basically, cattle that got away but [were] unbranded\u2014so kind of open game, at that point. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis new hire said to Teddy: \u201cHey, I will go and put the stamp of our symbol on them; and we\u2019re good to go. We\u2019ll round them up.\u201d Teddy Roosevelt, as the story goes, said \u201cYou\u2019re fired.\u201d The guy says, \u201cWhat do you mean I\u2019m fired?!\u201d \u201cYou\u2019re fired.\u201d \u201cI was just going to go do this for you.\u201d He said, \u201cIf you will steal for me, you will steal <em>from me<\/em>.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI then use that as an analogy if we\u2019re with people who will lie <em>for us<\/em> in a business\u2014if you\u2019re hiring people, and you are a businessman, and you\u2019re getting them to lie for you\u2014you know, that\u2019s not the better part of wisdom; because I\u2019m going to tell you\u2014they\u2019re going to lie <em>to you<\/em>, because you\u2019ve sent them that message that: \u201cThat\u2019s really the way we operate here.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I think you\u2019ve made a significant point here. The baseline in all of this is: \u201cWe\u2019ve got to be truthful. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>17:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cWe\u2019ve got to be honest with one another.\u201d Now, the question is: \u201cIn our honesty, are we kind? Are we clear? Is it necessary?\u201d But you have to start with that [truth] because you can get the other three down exactly right\u2014and if the honesty is not there\u2014we\u2019ve got <em>real<\/em> problems.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Emerson:<\/strong> Right; that\u2019s right. Well, and then I go even deeper; because most of us don\u2019t get up in the morning, thinking of ways we\u2019re going to lie. I unpack 20 reasons why we, as believers, might hedge a little bit on the truth. It\u2019s not always a wicked reason; for instance, there are peacemakers out there, and peacemakers do not like conflict. They don\u2019t intend to lie; they just don\u2019t want the conflict. Their hearts are in the right place. You want to click your heels and salute them: \u201cI am so appreciative of your peacemaking tendencies. I just applaud that. But at risk here, though, is you\u2019re compromising the truth on this.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI unpack 20 reasons why we might hedge on that truthfulness. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>18:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn fact, there are 81 different reasons why we would compromise on those four areas, not 20 reasons.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> What did you say?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Eighty-one. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Emerson:<\/strong> Eighty-one\u2014there\u2019s twenty under each. In other words, I unpack: \u201cWhy would I not be kind?\u201d \u201cWhy would I not be necessary in what I\u2019m saying?\u201d \u201cWhy would I not say what\u2019s clear?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAs I thought about\u2014I just kept adding in my own life: \u201cHere might be the peacemaker idea. He\u2019s not a bad person, but this would be a thing that could set it all off. And then, short-term, you\u2019ve got peace; but long-term, they\u2019re going to come back and say: \u2018Wait a minute. You weren\u2019t truthful with me.\u2019 There\u2019s a price to pay, then, when we compromise these.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut most of us compromise them because, short-term, it works. I mean, why would a person be a bully? Why would they be unkind?\u2014because it works!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Emerson:<\/strong> So there is a pragmatic perspective that we bring. I was talking to my son; and he was saying: \u201cDad, everybody lies. Everybody\u2019s lying today. People lie when they don\u2019t even need to lie.\u201d There is a challenge for all of us in \u201cWhy do we do that?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>19:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBecause, somehow, we fear the truth\u2014we fear that: \u201cIf I\u2019m just truthful, it\u2019s going to lead to some kind of consequence to me.\u201d Why don\u2019t I say it kindly?\u2014because I think: \u201cIf I\u2019m kind, they\u2019re going to take advantage of me\u2014that, if I\u2019m nice to the clerk behind the counter, they\u2019re not going to listen to me; because Joe over here is screaming at them, and he\u2019s getting his product replaced.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe begin to convince ourselves that compromising these four things are to our benefit. My point in the book is\u2014not long-term\u2014short-term, yes; but not long-term.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Two stories: One\u2014a father was trying to take a nap on a Saturday afternoon. The phone rang, and it was his boss. The father said to the son, who answered the phone, \u201cTell him I\u2019m asleep.\u201d The son started to answer. He put his hand over the phone and said \u201cDad, you\u2019re not asleep!\u201d \u201cSo here, give me the phone.\u201d That\u2019s one father. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe other father I\u2019ll tell you about is mine\u2014my dad\u2014his name was Hook Rainey. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>20:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHook\u2014[his name] was not something crooked about him, like he had a hook on his hand\u2014it was he had a wicked curveball. But that was the only thing wicked about my father. I do not remember my father <em>ever<\/em> telling a lie; period. He had business dealings in a community, where he lived all of his days for 66 years\u2014not far from the log cabin he and his eight brothers and sisters were born in. His reputation was well-known in the community. He was known that all you need to do was reach across the table and shake his hand\u2014his word was better than any contract that was secured by attorneys and by courts of law. He was a straight shooter. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tEmerson, I don\u2019t think we, as parents, have any idea how important the model is that we set for our children\u2014how we relate to each other: \u201cDo we stretch the truth? Do we lie?\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>21:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWill our kids remember us as someone who was: \u201cYou know what? When he did lie, he fessed up. He dealt with it and he asked for forgiveness.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think that\u2019s what your book is about, and I just want to commend you for writing it. I think this first area you\u2019ve talked about here\u2014speaking the truth in love\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tEphesians, Chapter 4, verse 25: \u201cLaying aside all falsehood, speak the truth in love.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And you know, whether it is husbands and wives communicating with one another, or parents communicating with their children, or even children communicating with their parents, those four questions are a great filter to run your communication through: \u201cIs it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary? Is it clear?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd I\u2019d encourage people to go to FamilyLifeToday.com. Click the link we have there for the assessment that Emerson has created so that you can do a little communication checkup\u2014see how you\u2019re doing. Have everybody in the family take this assessment. Again, our website is FamilyLifeToday.com. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>22:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou can also order copies of the book, <em>Before You Hit Send<\/em>, when you go to our website. Again, the website: FamilyLifeToday.com. I know there are church youth groups, high schools\/Christian high schools who are taking students through this book. I think that is a <em>great<\/em> idea. This is a very <em>real<\/em> issue for, not just high school students, but for all of us. Again, the title of the book: <em>Before You Hit Send<\/em>. Order it, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com; or call to order: 1-800-FL-TODAY is the number\u20141-800-358-6329\u2014that\u2019s 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, in addition to our communication being healthy in our family, we want there to be a real sense of togetherness. If we\u2019re going to do that, we need to be intentional about designing things that build togetherness. Here, at FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, we\u2019ve just put together our 2019 FamilyLife calendar\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>23:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014it\u2019s all about togetherness. Throughout the year, we\u2019ve included a number of togetherness tips, ideas, strategies, activities you can do that will build togetherness in your family. And of course, as you turn the page each month, there is a new Scripture that your family can memorize together. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe 2019 FamilyLife calendar is our thank-you gift to you when you help support this ministry with a donation of any amount. <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> would not exist if it weren\u2019t for your support. And our ability to provide this daily program on radio; on the web; through our app; and now, through the Amazon Alexa devices, where you can just train your device to respond when you say, \u201cAlexa, play <em>FamilyLife<\/em> <em>Today<\/em>,\u201d\u2014you are making that possible for your fellow listeners every time you make a donation to support this ministry. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAgain, when you make a donation this month, we\u2019d love to send you our 2019 calendar. You can make the donation, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com; or you can call to donate: 1-800-FL-TODAY is our number. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>24:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you\u2019d like to mail your donation, along with your request for the calendar, write to us at <em>FamilyLife<\/em> <em>Today<\/em>, PO Box 7111, Little Rock, AR; our zip code is 72223.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTomorrow, we want to talk more about who we are in real life and who we are, online, and whether there\u2019s a disconnect there. Emerson Eggerichs will be with us again. I hope you can be back as well.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\tHelp for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2018 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>"],"_seopress_titles_title":[""],"_seopress_titles_desc":[""],"_seopress_robots_index":[""],"duration":["00:25:30"],"show_notes":[""],"_thumbnail_id":["294104"],"filesize":["23.34M"],"filesize_raw":["24477911"],"_uag_css_file_name":["uag-css-300405.css"],"_uag_js_file_name":["uag-js-300405.js"],"_uag_page_assets":["a:9:{s:3:\"css\";s:82560:\".wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-top svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-top .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: rgba(51,51,51,1);}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-bottom svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-bottom 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Emerson Eggerichs encourages listeners to ask themselves four questions before saying and sending anything to another person: Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary? Is it clear?","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2018-10-08.pdf","transcript_content":"<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Think for a minute about the last thing you said\u2014either to someone, face to face, or in an email, or on social media. Was it truthful and was it loving? Here\u2019s Emerson Eggerichs.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Emerson:<\/strong> Truth without love is really clubbing someone. <a id=\"_Hlk525399248\">In general, interpersonal dynamics\u2014\u201cYou know what? I\u2019m just going to give people a piece of my mind,\u201d\u2014well, first of all, you can ill afford to lose what little you have left up there. But secondly\u2014you know, again, they\u2019re not going to hear you. <\/a><a id=\"_Hlk525399652\">So when I draft an email: \u201cIs the tone here? You know, the truth is there, but what is the tone?\u201d<\/a>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Monday, October 8<sup>th<\/sup>. Our host is Dennis Rainey; I'm Bob Lepine. The Bible tells us we are to speak the truth in love. That applies, not only to the things we say, but to the things we type as well. We\u2019ll talk more about that today. Stay with us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>1:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. So has this ever happened to you?\u2014have you ever hit send and then thought \u201cOh man, I\u2026\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Oh yes. I was in a meeting one time\u2014you know this because you heard me apologize for this\u2014[Laughter]\u2014but I was in a meeting on a very delicate subject. I was taking notes, and they were shorthand; okay?\u2014so I was not writing this for <em>anybody<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014just for yourself.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014for myself, <em>but<\/em> I went ahead and typed in \u201cDistribution: All Staff,\u201d which was\u2014I was going to clean it up later, and hit the send button and send it out. I was in that meeting, and I hustled to get out of there. I had to leave early; because we had another meeting at lunch, and then I got a text. [Laughter] I looked, and I went, \u201cOh my goodness!\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Your shorthand notes\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>2:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> What did it say? And here\u2019s the thing, there was really nothing terribly wrong\u2014it is just nothing had a context. It wasn\u2019t properly positioned to communicate, so I\u2019ve learned the lesson. You don\u2019t put the distribution or the person in the\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014in the send box.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014in the send box until you are ready to send it. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I know there have been many times when you have written\u2014thought\/typed up\u2014things that have sat dormant for a while.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Oh I\u2019ve hit the delete button more than once. By the way, just so our listeners know, I did double back on this one and apologize to all the staff and apologize to the group of people who were offended by my note.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014your shorthand notes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014by my notes. And honestly, they should have been; because it was not properly presented. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOur guest on the show today is nodding his head. I guess I\u2019ve just got to ask you, Dr. Emerson Eggerichs: \u201cHave you ever sent an email before you intended to send it?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>3:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Emerson:<\/strong> Well, as you were saying, \u201cYes,\u201d\u2014I mean, I wrote the book out of all the failures. I think one of the things that is most common with us is\u2014there, you see, inadvertently, we hit send when we didn\u2019t intend to\u2014we were going to go back and clean it up. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhere my mistake has always been is the use of humor.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Emerson:<\/strong> It comes across as sarcasm\/as a put down; and people completely misunderstood. Then I get myself in trouble, and I\u2019m having to go back and seek forgiveness because, what I thought was just a silly comment, they took it very personal. But that\u2019s just\u2014all of these things that we\u2019re talking about can put us in a position where we hit send inappropriately because we haven\u2019t abided by certain principles that will guard us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And it\u2019s not just in social media, by the way.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Emerson:<\/strong> Correct.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> It can happen with our tongues and lips as well.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Emerson:<\/strong> Absolutely.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Emerson has written a new book. Many of our listeners know of him by his <em>New York Time<\/em>\u2019s bestseller, <em>Love and Respect<\/em>. This new one is called <em>Before You Hit Send: Preventing Headache and Heartache. <\/em>[Laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>4:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tEmerson has been married to Sarah since 1973. They have three adult children. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis is really about how we relate to each other, not just in\u2014as I said, around social media\u2014but in marriage, with our kids, with friends, with extended family members. Why don\u2019t you let our listeners know what those four questions you ask at the beginning of your book\u2014kind of how you built this book around those four.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Emerson:<\/strong> Well, I was\u2014it actually began when I was a student at Wheaton\u2014had just come to Christ at age 16\u2014found out that Billy Graham went to Wheaton\u2014because I came to Christ through the Billy Graham film, <em>For Pete\u2019s Sake<\/em>. I wanted to be an effective communicator because I always felt like I was putting my foot in my mouth or people would look at me. I always used to say, \u201cI know what I mean; I just can\u2019t say it.\u201d But they\u2019d say, \u201cWell if you can\u2019t say it, you don\u2019t know what you mean.\u201d [Laughter] You know\u2014that idea. I had this desire to be a more effective communicator\u2014I felt like God was calling me to ministry\u2014I felt like I really needed to know how to do this. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>5:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn chapel, somebody was giving credit to Socrates as they were presenting in this chapel: \u201cBefore you speak,\u201d\u2014Socrates, who was credited with it, said\u2014\u201cYou need to ask yourself: \u2018Is it true? Is it kind?\u2019 and \u2018Is it necessary?\u2019\u201d Dennis and Bob, as I sat there, something just clicked in me\u2014it\u2019s like: \u201cYou know what? That\u2019s a <em>great<\/em> guide for me \/ that\u2019s a great checklist for me. It wasn\u2019t that I was <em>trying<\/em> to be untruthful, but there were times I might not tell the <em>whole<\/em> truth. I conveniently kept things back\u2014because I was insecure and wanted myself to look good\u2014and didn\u2019t kind of communicate everything. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI certainly knew I had the proclivity to be unkind. I knew that bully\/angry\u2014you know, saying what\u2019s unnecessary. I kind of feel like Peter, who on the mount of transfiguration said\u2014Peter, not knowing what to say, said\u2014[Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yes; I can identify with that! [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Emerson:<\/strong> So saying things that you just don\u2019t need to say. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut then, I added a fourth: \u201cIs it clear?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>6:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBecause over the years, I thought that I was communicating truthfully, kindly, necessarily; and still, people were saying, \u201cI\u2019m not tracking with you.\u201d So it was important for me, as a person, to make sure, \u201cIs this really clear to <em>me<\/em>?\u201d Pastors say, \u201cIf there is a miss in the pulpit, there\u2019s a fog in the pew.\u201d If I\u2019m not clear within myself, it\u2019s certainly going to, probably, be confusing to others. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBack, when I was like 20 years of age, I began to try to figure out: \u201cIf I\u2019m going to say something, what would be a quick checklist for me to go through?\u201d\u2014for me personally. I didn\u2019t think about ever writing a book on this. It was just: \u201cI want to keep myself out of trouble\u201d; you know? I wanted people to get the right idea rather than the wrong idea.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And those four questions have kind of a cadence\/a rhythm to them that remind us of Philippians 4:8, where we\u2019re told to think on things that are pure, and honorable, and true. Really, the beginning of all communication begins with: \u201cAre we thinking the right things before we ever engage our speaking?\u201d\u2014right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>7:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Emerson:<\/strong> Yes, yes; and then to that point on Scripture\u2014I had the privilege of studying the Bible for 30 hours a week for nearly 20 years, as a senior pastor. We all quote: \u201cSpeak the truth in love.\u201d There are two of them right there\u2014the first two: truth and kindness\u2014so \u201cSpeak the truth in love.\u201d Everybody\u2014they don\u2019t know the reference on that\u2014but they all: \u201cWe\u2019re to speak the truth in love.\u201d We kind of know it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAlso, there\u2019s a time to speak and a time to refrain. We kind of know that out of Ecclesiastes. And Paul even prayed, himself\u2014that he would speak as clearly as he ought to speak. We see the idea that, if a person doesn\u2019t understand, you\u2019re like a cymbal\/a clanging bell or whatever. We, instinctively, kind of know. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, we spent money on research. A professor\/an academic, who did a national study for us, came back and said, \u201cThis is mind boggling.\u201d All four of these are distinct. It\u2019s not like they blend together or they whet over\u2014you can kind of remove one of them from the equation and you\u2019re still going to be okay. He said: \u201cThis is mind boggling. They all must be in place.\u201d The point is that: \u201cIf they are, then hit send.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe other side\u2014someone read the book and said: \u201cI thought you were telling us to shut up. You\u2019re actually telling us to speak up.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>8:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYes; we need the courage then\u2014and this is where most of us are\u2014we lack the courage when we should say what\u2019s true. Say it in a kind way; say what\u2019s necessary; say it clearly; and if all those align, we need to communicate it. But the problem, of course, is that, if we don\u2019t think through ahead of time, we end up putting our foot in our mouth. I used to put both feet in my mouth and wonder why I couldn\u2019t walk. [Laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Well, are you\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Emerson:<\/strong> Do you like that image?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Look at my face, right here. [Laughter] These look like dimples; they\u2019re heel marks. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Emerson:<\/strong> \u2014from yourself. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I mean, I\u2019ve got that same foot-in-mouth disease as you have. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe do lack courage when it comes to speaking the truth, but we also lack love.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Emerson:<\/strong> Correct.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And that is one of the things you talk about in your book that I really like\u2014is that these things need to be held in proper tension with each other, because kindness and love make hearing possible of the truth.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Emerson:<\/strong> Someone comes to us and speaks what\u2019s truth\u2014but we don\u2019t think they really care about us; they\u2019re not saying it in a way that will give us the impression that they really love us or they respect us; or they\u2019re saying it kindly\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>9:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014long-term, it\u2019s just not going to be received\u2014it\u2019s just simply not. Truth without love is really clubbing someone. Now, if I\u2019m in a medical room and I\u2019m\u2014you know, the doctor says, \u201cUnless we do this, you\u2019re going to die.\u201d Obviously, he doesn\u2019t have to say it in a way that makes me feel good. I want him to get on with it, you know. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn general, interpersonal dynamics: \u201cYou know what? I\u2019m just going to give people a piece of my mind,\u201d\u2014well, first of all, you can ill afford to lose what little you have left up there. [Laughter] Secondly\u2014you know, again, they\u2019re not going to hear you if it doesn\u2019t feel loving to the person. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, that doesn\u2019t mean that we are unloving because they say it feels unloving. Sometimes, you can be truthful and people say you\u2019re being cruel, when the truth is you care for them\u2014more like a mother toward her son \/ father toward a daughter\u2014whatever. But, by and large, the principle holds. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, when I draft an email: \u201cIs the tone here? The truth is there, but what is the tone?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat does that feel like?\u201d That\u2019s why one of the principles is: \u201cLet it set for a while,\u201d or I have Sarah read this.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>10:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBecause, again, we can have good intentions; but if the other person feels that somehow, we\u2019re saying something that\u2019s bullying them \/ is rude, they\u2019re probably not going to receive it; because I take the position that most of us feel badly about ourselves to begin with. We certainly don\u2019t want to feel worse on the heels of reading your email.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Most teenagers feel badly about themselves, too, by the way. We found, as parents, that if you want to be able to guide them through the perilous teenage years\u2014if you are about to bring a boundary around them\u2014like they want to stay out later than they are supposed to be staying out\u2014Barbara and I would practice\u2014and this was so difficult. It was so hard not to react and go: \u201cWhat are you thinking about?! There\u2019s nothing good that can happen after midnight! I mean, let\u2019s talk about this.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tInstead, we say, \u201cYou know,\u201d\u2014and I\u2019d like to say we did this a few times right; okay? Emerson, but not every time.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Emerson:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> We had four teenagers at one time. Sometimes, they just wear you out, you know? [Laughter] We would try to say to them: \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI\u2019m hearing you say you\u2019d like to extend the boundary of when you come home. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>11:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI just want you to know your mom and I are really committed to helping you grow up, and know how to handle freedom, and how to be able to handle everything when you\u2019re out on your own later on. I want you to know, if there is any way we can let you do this, we will do it! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut you need to know, if we don\u2019t think it\u2019s a good idea, right now, for a 15-year-old or a 14-year-old to stay out past midnight, then I just want you to know we\u2019re going to come back and we\u2019re going to be united, as a couple, and we\u2019re going to talk about that and why it\u2019s not wise.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, I wish I could say we did that every time\u2014Barbara and I\u2014but we didn\u2019t. But the times we did, it did take the <em>sting<\/em> out of the truth, which was: \u201cYou know, you\u2019re just not quite ready to have that amount of freedom right now.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> As you\u2019re describing that, I\u2019m thinking about a coworker we had, here, at FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> for a number of years. He had a nickname\u2014I remember friends referring to this guy as \u201cThe velvet brick.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>12:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHe was the guy who, when he sat down with you, he would tell you the truth in clear terms. You walked away feeling challenged and affirmed, simultaneously. I think part of it was\u2014you knew this guy was on your side and was for you and not against you. So, even when he said the hard things, he said them wisely. You walked away, going, \u201cOkay; that was hard to hear, but I know it\u2019s coming from somebody who cares about me and who is on my side.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat\u2019s an important foundation. If we\u2019re communicating with people, we have to know: \u201cWhat\u2019s our relationship with these people?\u201d to understand how our communication\u2019s going to be received.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Emerson:<\/strong> Well, and that first point of: \u201cIt is true?\u201d\u2014and this is beautifully said by both of you. You know, we have to convey to other people that we have the best version of them in our minds\u2014you know, that we have their best interest \/ that we have good will toward them. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>13:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe idea you guys are both saying here is potent because, again, if I\u2019m speaking the truth simply because you\u2019re bothering me\u2014you know, I\u2019m telling you the truth because I need you to <em>knock<\/em> it off\u2014yes, that may be true; but the other side of it is\u2014if I say it in such way: \u201cThe reason I\u2019m bringing this up\u2014and it\u2019s hard for me to say this because I don\u2019t want you to reject me\u2014I think I believe in you maybe at times more than you believe in yourself. How do I say this in such a way that you don\u2019t think I\u2019m trying to put you down as much as helping you understand that I\u2019m for you?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe had an idea with my son one time\u2014David, our middle\u2014I said: \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThere are three concepts. There is authority; there\u2019s responsibility and freedom. You\u2019re wanting more freedom, and you don\u2019t want my authority; but you want me to be responsible for you. [There are] three pieces of a pie. As you become freer, that pie piece is going to enlarge; so my authority is going to decrease, and my responsibility is going to decrease for you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut you\u2019re a man\u2019s man\u2014and if you want me not to have authority over you and you to increase that freedom\u2014you know, the truth is you can be totally free by becoming completely responsible for yourself. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>14:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you want 100 percent responsibility for yourself\u2014and I want that for you\u2014you know, the truth is\u2014when you leave the home \/ mom and I want that\u2014and when you do, we\u2019re going to party; \u2014 okay? We\u2019re going to party.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> We did; we did!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Emerson:<\/strong> Exactly; he used to grin at that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut the point is: \u201cI want your freedom. But in the meantime, there\u2019s going to be this normal tension. So how do I communicate to you that I\u2019m going to have authority over you?\u2014you\u2019re not going to have as much freedom. I\u2019m going to take a lot of responsibility for you, but there\u2019s always going to be a tension here. How do I communicate this to you where you don\u2019t feel I\u2019m trying to say you\u2019re not a man or that I\u2019m controlling?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat\u2019s that idea of trying to say to a person, \u201cI\u2019m for you.\u201d Your ultimate goal, which we\u2014your point: \u201cI want you to be free. Our success, as a parent, is contingent upon your freedom and being successful at that. We\u2019re on the same page there, but it\u2019s now an issue of timing.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Of the four areas: \u201cIs it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary? Is it clear?\u201d\u2014those four questions\u2014is there one that is more routinely violated than another? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>15:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI know we\u2019re different personalities\/different people, and we may have our own blind spot in any of those areas; but in general, in our communication, do we tend to be less true, less kind, less necessary, or less clear in how we communicate\u2014do you think?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Emerson:<\/strong> Well that\u2019s an excellent question\u2014no one\u2019s really asked that of me. As I pointed out, they\u2019re distinct and they\u2019re all vital. I think the key is truthfulness\u2014I mean, to what extent are people lying and being untruthful? That sets off the domino effect and \u201cWhat difference does it make if I\u2019m kind, and I\u2019m lying to you?\u201d\u2014you know, I tell you I\u2019m lying. So I think\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And I\u2019m clear\u2014I\u2019m being real clear. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Emerson:<\/strong> \u201cI\u2019m clear about this lie.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I was guilty about that, as a kid. I don\u2019t remember all my lies, but I remember some of them. I was real clear about my lie. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Emerson:<\/strong> It was necessary!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yes; it was necessary. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut here\u2019s what I want you to tell\u2014tell the story of Teddy Roosevelt, because there is a consequence when somebody is caught in a lie.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Emerson:<\/strong> Right; right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>16:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWell, the story is that he was a cattle rancher; and he had hired this individual. They were out roaming the territory. There would be these, basically, cattle that got away but [were] unbranded\u2014so kind of open game, at that point. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis new hire said to Teddy: \u201cHey, I will go and put the stamp of our symbol on them; and we\u2019re good to go. We\u2019ll round them up.\u201d Teddy Roosevelt, as the story goes, said \u201cYou\u2019re fired.\u201d The guy says, \u201cWhat do you mean I\u2019m fired?!\u201d \u201cYou\u2019re fired.\u201d \u201cI was just going to go do this for you.\u201d He said, \u201cIf you will steal for me, you will steal <em>from me<\/em>.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI then use that as an analogy if we\u2019re with people who will lie <em>for us<\/em> in a business\u2014if you\u2019re hiring people, and you are a businessman, and you\u2019re getting them to lie for you\u2014you know, that\u2019s not the better part of wisdom; because I\u2019m going to tell you\u2014they\u2019re going to lie <em>to you<\/em>, because you\u2019ve sent them that message that: \u201cThat\u2019s really the way we operate here.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I think you\u2019ve made a significant point here. The baseline in all of this is: \u201cWe\u2019ve got to be truthful. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>17:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cWe\u2019ve got to be honest with one another.\u201d Now, the question is: \u201cIn our honesty, are we kind? Are we clear? Is it necessary?\u201d But you have to start with that [truth] because you can get the other three down exactly right\u2014and if the honesty is not there\u2014we\u2019ve got <em>real<\/em> problems.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Emerson:<\/strong> Right; that\u2019s right. Well, and then I go even deeper; because most of us don\u2019t get up in the morning, thinking of ways we\u2019re going to lie. I unpack 20 reasons why we, as believers, might hedge a little bit on the truth. It\u2019s not always a wicked reason; for instance, there are peacemakers out there, and peacemakers do not like conflict. They don\u2019t intend to lie; they just don\u2019t want the conflict. Their hearts are in the right place. You want to click your heels and salute them: \u201cI am so appreciative of your peacemaking tendencies. I just applaud that. But at risk here, though, is you\u2019re compromising the truth on this.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI unpack 20 reasons why we might hedge on that truthfulness. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>18:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn fact, there are 81 different reasons why we would compromise on those four areas, not 20 reasons.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> What did you say?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Eighty-one. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Emerson:<\/strong> Eighty-one\u2014there\u2019s twenty under each. In other words, I unpack: \u201cWhy would I not be kind?\u201d \u201cWhy would I not be necessary in what I\u2019m saying?\u201d \u201cWhy would I not say what\u2019s clear?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAs I thought about\u2014I just kept adding in my own life: \u201cHere might be the peacemaker idea. He\u2019s not a bad person, but this would be a thing that could set it all off. And then, short-term, you\u2019ve got peace; but long-term, they\u2019re going to come back and say: \u2018Wait a minute. You weren\u2019t truthful with me.\u2019 There\u2019s a price to pay, then, when we compromise these.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut most of us compromise them because, short-term, it works. I mean, why would a person be a bully? Why would they be unkind?\u2014because it works!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Emerson:<\/strong> So there is a pragmatic perspective that we bring. I was talking to my son; and he was saying: \u201cDad, everybody lies. Everybody\u2019s lying today. People lie when they don\u2019t even need to lie.\u201d There is a challenge for all of us in \u201cWhy do we do that?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>19:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBecause, somehow, we fear the truth\u2014we fear that: \u201cIf I\u2019m just truthful, it\u2019s going to lead to some kind of consequence to me.\u201d Why don\u2019t I say it kindly?\u2014because I think: \u201cIf I\u2019m kind, they\u2019re going to take advantage of me\u2014that, if I\u2019m nice to the clerk behind the counter, they\u2019re not going to listen to me; because Joe over here is screaming at them, and he\u2019s getting his product replaced.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe begin to convince ourselves that compromising these four things are to our benefit. My point in the book is\u2014not long-term\u2014short-term, yes; but not long-term.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Two stories: One\u2014a father was trying to take a nap on a Saturday afternoon. The phone rang, and it was his boss. The father said to the son, who answered the phone, \u201cTell him I\u2019m asleep.\u201d The son started to answer. He put his hand over the phone and said \u201cDad, you\u2019re not asleep!\u201d \u201cSo here, give me the phone.\u201d That\u2019s one father. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe other father I\u2019ll tell you about is mine\u2014my dad\u2014his name was Hook Rainey. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>20:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHook\u2014[his name] was not something crooked about him, like he had a hook on his hand\u2014it was he had a wicked curveball. But that was the only thing wicked about my father. I do not remember my father <em>ever<\/em> telling a lie; period. He had business dealings in a community, where he lived all of his days for 66 years\u2014not far from the log cabin he and his eight brothers and sisters were born in. His reputation was well-known in the community. He was known that all you need to do was reach across the table and shake his hand\u2014his word was better than any contract that was secured by attorneys and by courts of law. He was a straight shooter. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tEmerson, I don\u2019t think we, as parents, have any idea how important the model is that we set for our children\u2014how we relate to each other: \u201cDo we stretch the truth? Do we lie?\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>21:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWill our kids remember us as someone who was: \u201cYou know what? When he did lie, he fessed up. He dealt with it and he asked for forgiveness.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think that\u2019s what your book is about, and I just want to commend you for writing it. I think this first area you\u2019ve talked about here\u2014speaking the truth in love\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tEphesians, Chapter 4, verse 25: \u201cLaying aside all falsehood, speak the truth in love.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And you know, whether it is husbands and wives communicating with one another, or parents communicating with their children, or even children communicating with their parents, those four questions are a great filter to run your communication through: \u201cIs it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary? Is it clear?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd I\u2019d encourage people to go to FamilyLifeToday.com. Click the link we have there for the assessment that Emerson has created so that you can do a little communication checkup\u2014see how you\u2019re doing. Have everybody in the family take this assessment. Again, our website is FamilyLifeToday.com. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>22:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou can also order copies of the book, <em>Before You Hit Send<\/em>, when you go to our website. Again, the website: FamilyLifeToday.com. I know there are church youth groups, high schools\/Christian high schools who are taking students through this book. I think that is a <em>great<\/em> idea. This is a very <em>real<\/em> issue for, not just high school students, but for all of us. Again, the title of the book: <em>Before You Hit Send<\/em>. Order it, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com; or call to order: 1-800-FL-TODAY is the number\u20141-800-358-6329\u2014that\u2019s 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, in addition to our communication being healthy in our family, we want there to be a real sense of togetherness. If we\u2019re going to do that, we need to be intentional about designing things that build togetherness. Here, at FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, we\u2019ve just put together our 2019 FamilyLife calendar\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>23:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014it\u2019s all about togetherness. Throughout the year, we\u2019ve included a number of togetherness tips, ideas, strategies, activities you can do that will build togetherness in your family. And of course, as you turn the page each month, there is a new Scripture that your family can memorize together. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe 2019 FamilyLife calendar is our thank-you gift to you when you help support this ministry with a donation of any amount. <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> would not exist if it weren\u2019t for your support. And our ability to provide this daily program on radio; on the web; through our app; and now, through the Amazon Alexa devices, where you can just train your device to respond when you say, \u201cAlexa, play <em>FamilyLife<\/em> <em>Today<\/em>,\u201d\u2014you are making that possible for your fellow listeners every time you make a donation to support this ministry. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAgain, when you make a donation this month, we\u2019d love to send you our 2019 calendar. You can make the donation, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com; or you can call to donate: 1-800-FL-TODAY is our number. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>24:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you\u2019d like to mail your donation, along with your request for the calendar, write to us at <em>FamilyLife<\/em> <em>Today<\/em>, PO Box 7111, Little Rock, AR; our zip code is 72223.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTomorrow, we want to talk more about who we are in real life and who we are, online, and whether there\u2019s a disconnect there. Emerson Eggerichs will be with us again. I hope you can be back as well.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\tHelp for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2018 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>","theme_header_position":"","post_header_is_sticky":"","is_header_overlay":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast\/300405","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/podcast"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/91"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=300405"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/294104"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=300405"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=300405"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=300405"},{"taxonomy":"podcast_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast_series?post=300405"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=300405"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=300405"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}