{"id":300391,"date":"2018-09-28T11:00:00","date_gmt":"2018-09-28T15:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/four-conversations-for-kids\/"},"modified":"2024-10-07T22:41:34","modified_gmt":"2024-10-08T02:41:34","slug":"four-conversations-for-kids","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/four-conversations-for-kids\/","title":{"rendered":"Four Conversations for Kids"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>David Eaton knows that smart phones are hugely popular among adolescents, but they&#8217;re often misused. Eaton challenges parents to have four conversations with their kids before giving them a cell phone.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2018-09-28.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:27:34","filesize":"25.24M","filesize_raw":"26470423","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[10350,2855,2870],"tags":[4554,4552,4557,2988,2989,4556,4487,4551,4555,4553,4390],"podcast_series":[7251],"cwp_profile":[3539],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-300391","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-digital-and-media-choices","category-teens","category-tweens","tag-appropriate-cell-phone-usage","tag-children-and-smartphones","tag-help-parents","tag-parenting-advice","tag-pornography","tag-safe-online","tag-sexting","tag-smartphone","tag-teaching-responsibility","tag-teens-and-smartphones","tag-trust","podcast_series-smart-phones-for-smart-families","cwp_profile-david-eaton","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/300391\/four-conversations-for-kids","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/300391\/four-conversations-for-kids","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"S90uVrO3BL\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/four-conversations-for-kids\/\">Four Conversations for Kids<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/four-conversations-for-kids\/embed\/#?secret=S90uVrO3BL\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Four Conversations for Kids&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"S90uVrO3BL\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2018-09-28.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2018-09-28.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yourson or daughter\u2019s smartphone is a big part of their world. As a parent, do you have a right to know what\u2019s going on in their life, online? David Eaton says, \u201cAbsolutely!\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong> We don\u2019t have a right to phone privacy; and honestly, you need to model that. I think husbands and wives should know each other\u2019s passwords and usernames\u2014just like parents should know their kids\u2019 passcodes and usernames. Honestly, something that\u2019s scary about the phone\u2014and it\u2019s a lot of work\u2014you should know every single app on your kid\u2019s phone; and you should have in your mind, \u201cWhat is it for?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Friday, September 28<sup>th<\/sup>. Our host is Dennis Rainey, and I'm Bob Lepine. We\u2019re going to talk about what pro-active parenting looks like when it comes to technology\u2014smartphones\/devices. Our guest today is David Eaton. Stay with us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>1:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. Aren\u2019t you glad there were no smartphones when your kids were teenagers?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Oh, my goodness! [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I mean, I remember trying to deal with Instant Messaging\u2014that was a big deal\u2014AIM.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong> Oh, AIM\u2014that was <em>huge<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Oh, yes!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I was looking over my daughter\u2019s shoulder when some young man in Atlanta messaged her and called her a <em>sexy thang<\/em>\u2014T-H-A-N-G. I tapped my daughter on the shoulder: \u201cGet up out of the chair.\u201d [Laughter] I said, \u201cI want to sit down.\u201d I wrote him back and I said, \u201cDear\u201d\u2014whatever his name was\u2014\u201cKen, this is Mr. Rainey, my daughter\u2019s daddy\u201d; okay? \u201cIt is not appropriate for you to refer to my daughter as a <em>sexy thang<\/em>.\u201d [Laughter] And it did help him! I mean, he began to relate a little more\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>2:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014little course direction; little course direction.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yes; exactly!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong> I mean, relational foul and grammar foul. [Laughter] I mean, come on!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Exactly! Well, that voice is David Eaton, who is one of the cofounders of Axis. He and his wife Lindsey have been married since 2009. They have three kids. He is all about helping <em>you<\/em>, as a parent, navigate smartphones and how you, as a parent, can know, <em>at least<\/em>, enough to provide boundaries for your kids as they get them.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes; not just smartphones\u2014Axis is all over helping parents and kids connect around what\u2019s going on in youth culture. I get the \u201cCulture Translator\u201d newsletter that you guys send out every Friday that helps me know what\u2019s going on in youth culture\u2014brings to light things that I wouldn\u2019t know otherwise. This is the sweet spot for what Axis is doing. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSmartphones and devices have become so prevalent that you guys have jumped into this in a big way. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>3:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn fact, you wrote a chapter on this subject for Dennis and Barbara\u2019s book, <em>The Art of Parenting<\/em>, which has just been released. The thing I like about the chapter is it\u2019s not going to be obsolete in three months, because you\u2019re writing about bigger issues than Instant Messaging or Snapchat\u2014which may be gone in a year.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong> It was so tempting to not write about Snapchat\u2014just this little clause in there\u2014because I know that it\u2019s still going to be huge for the next couple of years. But like you said, there\u2019s always going to be something\u2014this technology is not going away. It\u2019s something to be celebrated, but we didn\u2019t want to just write something and people laugh about it six months [from now]. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Back to the big idea\u2014David is challenging parents to have four conversations with their kids. In other words, your kids are looking for dialog. They may not act like it; they mayturn their nose up at the dialog when you attempt to make it happen. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014roll their eyes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> But they need to connect with an adult around issues that could affect them for the rest of their lives. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong> Yes; they\u2019re going to watch you and see how you\u2019re using your phone. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>4:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThey\u2019re going to want to know\u2014like they are going to become like you, so it\u2019s important to have these conversations over phones. Especially, if you get your kid a phone, plan on talking to them about it <em>every<\/em> single week. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Talk to them about it <em>before<\/em> you get them a phone. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong> If you can, that\u2019s <em>great<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>So, when you\u2019re having these conversations\u2014you say there are four. What\u2019s the first one you want to have?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong> The first conversation is all about if you\u2019re tired of being the bad guy\u2014if you always feel that, as a parent, you are always nagging you kids, always saying, \u201cGet off your phone,\u201d\u2014all of that. You are, instead\u2014it\u2019s inviting the phone into a different story for the world. It\u2019s the gospel\u2014it\u2019s the Christian story for the world. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tConversation Number One I call \u201cVery Good, Cursed, and Redeemed.\u201d A lot of people look at a phone and say: \u201cHey, that\u2019s just a neutral thing. It\u2019s just a piece of technology. Technology is neutral.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s real easy to say, \u201cYes, it is neutral\u201d; but I would say: \u201cStop for a second\u2014say: \u2018Wait; is anything really neutral in a world that God made?\u2019 If you look at Genesis, God makes the world <em>very<\/em> good\u2014it says: \u2018\u2026good,\u2019 \u2018\u2026good,\u2019 \u2018\u2026good,\u2019 \u2018\u2026good\u2019; \u2018\u2026very good.\u2019 It\u2019s the first conversation\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>5:00<\/strong>\u00a0<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014\u201cit talks about: \u2018Hey, you\u2019re in charge. Humanity, take control of this\u2014steward this, cultivate it, care for it.\u2019\u201d Second thing is\u2014humanity messes up; it becomes cursed\u2014and then, finally, you have the story of Israelites and then Jesus coming to redeem us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWith the smartphone, I think, as a parent, instead of saying it is neutral, you should say, \u201cOne\u2014it is very good.\u201d If you actually think about it, there have been some studies showing recently that there\u2019s more technology on a smartphone than it took to put a man on the moon.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong> Now, the technology in that space ship\u2014it could withstand a lot of heat and cold and that sort of stuff\u2014but still\u2014that is in your pocket right now. So that\u2019s something to be celebrated: \u201cWow! That\u2019s amazing!\u201d But then, it\u2019s cursed\u2014there\u2019s so many bad things we can do with it\u2014and finally, \u201cHow can we redeem it, as a family?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat this does\u2014is it allows you to position it instead of being the whiny, naggy, always-saying-\u201cGet-off-that-device\u201d parent. Instead, saying: \u201cLet\u2019s talk about why this is awesome,\u201d\u00a0 \u201cLet\u2019s talk about how to celebrate this,\u201d \u201cMan, there are some ditches we can fall into,\u201d and finally, \u201cWhere there are sad things\/bad things that are happening, how can we redeem it?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>6:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> The reason I called David and asked David to write this chapter in our book, <em>The Art of Parenting<\/em>, is because the section it is in is about character. It\u2019s calling parents to raise children who are wise and not fools. What David is wanting to do in this situation is to help parents train their kids to be wise in the use of the phone and not a fool\u2014not fall off into a trap. That\u2019s what you\u2019re pointing out. This device has the ability to be used for good things <em>or<\/em> to truly take a child into a dark place. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Think about just what you said at the beginning: \u201cIs this neutral technology?\u201d It was designed by sinful people.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong> Got it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And it has been handed to sinful people. [Laughter] We can say it\u2019s neutral, but the people who made it and the people who are using it <em>aren\u2019t<\/em> neutral; therein is the problem. Now, we can, as redeemed people, take this technology and say: \u201cWhatever it was meant for when it was designed, there is a redemptive use of this device. Let\u2019s go, aggressively in that direction, and celebrate and rejoice over the redemptive opportunities.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI have opportunities to connect with people around the world, because of my device. We can talk to missionaries and pray for them, not just through letters. I can see their face and pray with them\u2014that\u2019s a <em>wonderful<\/em> use of this technology. We have to be thinking, \u201cWhat are the redemptive purposes?\u201d because there are a lot of people who want to take us over to a dark side, and play to our prurient interests, and get us doing un-redemptive things with our devices. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong> Just think of grandma; right? The grandparents for my children live a thousand miles away. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong> They can actually have that connection via the screen that they couldn\u2019t have had before. That\u2019s really cool.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOne of the statements we like to say at Axis is: \u201cWe\u2019re all about connecting the wisdom of parents with the wonder of their children.\u201d If you\u2019re having a conversation\u2014remember a conversation is not just a preaching at someone\u2014if you say: \u201cHow\u2019s it very good?\u201d \u201cHow\u2019s it cursed?\u201d and \u201cHow can we redeem it, as a family?\u201d don\u2019t be surprised if your precious, wonderful, amazing teen has an observation about how <em>you\u2019re<\/em> using it. [Laughter] I think that\u2019s something that\u2019s very true. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe asked a fourteen-year-old girl, \u201cWhat are you going to do this weekend?\u201d She said, \u201cI\u2019m going to go home and watch my parents stare at their phones,\u201d\u2014like that is pretty sad. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> So answer the question that every parent, who\u2019s listening right now, wants to know. I know it\u2019s an absolute question, but back to Bob\u2019s point\u2014these are sinful little creatures that you\u2019re giving this phone to. [Laughter] The question is this: \u201cWhen?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong> When do you give them their phone? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yes; what\u2019s your coaching for parents to determine when?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong> Yes; I like that question. I think what I would say to this is\u2014it\u2019s a conversation\u2014and the conversation is the third conversation in the book\u2014it\u2019s: \u201cWe are on a journey of trust, with a destination of independence<em>.<\/em>\u201d I think you have to look at your family and say: \u201cHey, we\u2019re on this journey together with this phone. I want to get you at a place of independence, but we\u2019re going to start off with some pretty strict rules.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen you have to say, \u201cIs your ten-year-old standing in a soccer field by themselves, feeling exposed, because you weren\u2019t told soccer practice is going to be over?\u201d You have to think, \u201cOkay; I want to stay in communication with my kid, but that doesn\u2019t mean that they have to get the entire internet.\u201d They can just start off with GPS and the ability to call someone. They don\u2019t even need to start off with texting. I think that\u2019s what I would say. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s a decision you have to make; but when you\u2019re making that decision, you\u2019re entering into a conversation that you\u2019re going to have multiple times a week for the next however-long they\u2019re inside your house.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> One of the things that is talked about in <em>The<\/em> <em>Art of Parenting<\/em> book and video series is that there\u2019s a gradual release that comes with parenting. When your kids are little, you\u2019re staying right on top of them; because they\u2019re not smart enough to know whether the street is safe. But when they get to be 16, you\u2019ve got to gradually start letting go\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>10:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014letting them make some decisions. You try to make sure that they\u2019re safe, but they\u2019re going to make some bad decisions. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat you\u2019re recommending, when it comes to technology and smartphones, is a gradual introduction of the technology. Let them warm up to the fact that, \u201cOh, I can call somebody from anywhere.\u201d Then, maybe six months later, I learn, \u201cNow, I can text people,\u201d or just let it come out, a little at a time, and manage it along the way. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong> To answer your question about what age\u2014again, I think it depends on what level of work you want to do. Bill Gates has a number\u2014his number was 14\u2014he says: \u201cWe don\u2019t have cell phones at the table when we\u2019re having a meal. We don\u2019t give our kids cell phones until they were 14, and they complained that other kids got them earlier. We set a time after which there is no screen time.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHe had three concepts there; but he said, \u201c...14.\u201d Whatever you do, do not make the decision about what age your kid gets a smartphone based on what other parents are doing.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> So go back to the big idea of this conversation\u2014you said, \u201cWe\u2019re on a journey of trust\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>11:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cwith a destination of independence.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I think that applies to <em>so much<\/em> in parenting, not just technology; but this is what we\u2019re talking about. When it comes to technology\u2014the journey of trust. Your child is earning independence\u2014newer levels of independence as they demonstrate that they\u2019re trustworthy with the independence that you\u2019ve given them. Your point is: \u201cDon\u2019t just give them the whole enchilada at age 14, with unlimited access to everything that\u2019s online and think, \u2018Oh, they\u2019re going to do fine.\u2019\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong> Yes; that\u2019s the same reason I don\u2019t set a bowl of M&amp;Ms<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> in front of my two-year-old and say, \u201cYou can only have one\u201d; right? [Laughter] You know, there\u2019s just so much out there. He\u2019s going to stick his whole fist in there and eat it all and ruin his dinner, so you want to gradually do that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat\u2019s important, though, is you want to make sure that their heart is loving righteousness. That\u2019s the hard transition that you have here\u2014is like you want them to earn your trust; but again, you\u2019re having this idea of: \u201cDo you love righteousness and putting yourself in community?\u201d This is a phrase you should say over and over again: \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>12:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cWe are better in community than we are in isolation.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> We skipped over Conversation Two. We kind of got right to Conversation Three with Dennis\u2019s question about\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong> This is why we have books; so you can read it linearly; right? Let\u2019s go back. You want to go back to Conversation Two? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I want to get to Conversation Two. I just want to say one thing about the age. When Barbara and I told the kids what age they could date, it was never an absolute age. Why?\u2014because of the issue you\u2019re talking about\u2014<em>trust<\/em>. If they\u2019ve broken trust, then \u201cWhy are you going to give them more freedom?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut here\u2019s what needs to be in place: \u201cYou need to be obeying us and really following the guidelines we give you in a consistent, habitual way so we trust you.\u201d It\u2019s back to trust again. \u201cAt the point you\u2019ve earned our trust, maybe then we\u2019ll let a little more string out in the kite so that you can fly higher.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Okay; now go back to Conversation Two. What was that?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong> Conversation Number Two is pretty straightforward\u2014it is: \u201cWhat is it for?\u201d \/ \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>13:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cWhat is it for?\u201d You should say this frequently about <em>a lot<\/em> of different things; but a great thing to say about the smartphone is: \u201cWhat is it for? Is it to help us to stay more connected, as a family, to know where everyone is?\u2014to stay connected to Grandma and to Grandpa?\u201d \u201cIs it to get news or do homework better?\u201d Well, then, great; that\u2019s a great purpose for it\u2014it\u2019s asking the question of <em>purpose<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHowever, if you\u2019re saying that\u2014then you go out to dinner. You look around, and the entire family has their phone out. Mom\u2019s on Pinterest, and Dad\u2019s checking his email, and your kids\u2019 keeping their Snap streak going. You\u2019re like, \u201cHere we are, at dinner, and we can\u2019t even have an eye-to-eye conversation \/ a face-to-face conversation; because this is taking so much control over our life.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong> It\u2019s a really simple conversation; and it\u2019s something you can have about a lot of different things: \u201cWhat is the purpose behind it? What is if for?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Here\u2019s the good about that conversation\u2014you are defining: \u201cWhat\u2019s acceptable use of the device?\u201d and \u201cWhat\u2019s unacceptable use?\u201d No kid is going to say, \u201cWell, one of the things it\u2019s for is so that I can look at porn.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>14:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI mean, if they say that, you\u2019re going to go, \u201cNo; that\u2019s not what this device is for. \u201c\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> But you can start off saying, \u201cThat\u2019s <em>not<\/em> what this device is for; therefore, we\u2019re not going to do that with this device.\u201d You\u2019re bifurcating: \u201cIt can do a lot of things. We\u2019re only going to do some of what it can do, because some of what it can do can take you in a really bad direction.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> David, given that statement of purpose\u2014of: \u201cWhat\u2019s it for?\u201d\u2014what if you\u2019re finding out, right now, as you\u2019re listening to us, that your teenager is already misusing the phone? He\u2019s already off\u2014or she\u2019s already off\u2014in some really dangerous places? What would you coach them to do?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong> Well, first thing I\u2019d do is\u2014take a huge, deep breath; and I would not act rashly. Don\u2019t be the parent, who is just always snatching the phone away; always giving it back. You have to say, \u201cWhat is my strategy behind this to get back into the situation?\u201d\u2014that\u2019s why we wrote the chapter. That\u2019s why we have \u201cReclaiming the Smartphone: Four Important Conversations\u201d in the FamilyLifeToday.com website, where you can sign up and watch those videos. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe even have a plan after that for this detox\/this reboot, because you\u2019re having to take away\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>15:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014you\u2019re having to take away freedom, and you\u2019re going to have to fight. It\u2019s not that you shouldn\u2019t, as a parent\u2014it\u2019s just you shouldn\u2019t enter into it lightly. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think one of those things\u2014if you gave your kid a phone and never told them [rules]\u2014they\u2019re going to say: \u201cThis is my phone,\u201d \u201cThis is my phone,\u201d \u201cThis is my phone.\u201d No; you should say: \u201cNo; this is God\u2019s phone. I am the steward of it, as your parent, and you get to use it. Therefore, I get to look at it whenever I want. I get to take it away whenever I want.\u201d It\u2019s this idea of, \u201cHey, you\u2019re better in community.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cBut it\u2019s my phone! It\u2019s privacy. I\u2019ve got to have privacy.\u201d Well, you\u2019re going to have to introduce this idea: \u201cWell, we don\u2019t have a right to phone privacy.\u201d Honestly, you need to model that. I think husbands and wives should know each other\u2019s passwords and usernames\u2014just like parents should know their kids\u2019 passcodes and usernames. Honestly, something that\u2019s scary about the phone\u2014it\u2019s a lot of work\u2014you should know every single app on your kid\u2019s phone; and you should have in your mind, \u201cWhat is it for?\u201d Again, there\u2019s so much to this\u2014it\u2019s worth it\u2014but it is hard work. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>16:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You mentioned that the folks at Apple have just put some new parental controls, so that kids can\u2019t download apps unless mom and dad give the okay. Mom and dad can set a bedtime for the phone. Mom and dad can shut off the phone, with an app on their phone, where they just say, \u201cYour phone\u2019s now off.\u201d That\u2019s a <em>really<\/em> great parenting tool to have. But if all we\u2019re doing is becoming punishers with our phones, there\u2019s a problem there; right? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong> Yes; you\u2019re going to lose the heart of your child on that level. You want to be able to walk with them through this. This brings us to the fourth conversation, which is definitely, I think, the most important conversation\u2014and it\u2019s this: \u201cYou can tell me <em>anything<\/em>.\u201dYour child needs to know, over and over again, that they can tell you anything\u2014and in parenthesis or caveat\u2014\u201c(By the way, I\u2019m safe; I have your best interest in mind, and I will be <em>fair<\/em>.)\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf they don\u2019t trust you to be fair, then they\u2019re going to be scared to bring it to you; and how are they going to get wisdom from you? They\u2019re just going to Google<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> it; they\u2019re going to ask their friends; they\u2019re going to watch the YouTube influencers or the You Tube stars and what they think. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>17:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe\u2019ve got to get connected. Your children have to be connected to the wisdom of their parents and their grandparents with that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s one of those things: \u201cYou can tell me anything.\u201d You have to say that; because you\u2019re going to have to have tough conversations about pornography, sexting, sneaky apps. There are fake social media accounts that you can create so your kid will have multiple\u2014more than likely\u2014your kid will have multiple\/different social media accounts. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI tell you what\u2014the second question we get so many times, Dennis, is\u2014people will say, \u201cWhen should I get my kid a phone?\u201d and \u201cWhen should I let them have social media?\u201d because social media is this whole other level of freedom \/ a whole other level of risk\u2014a whole other way to disciple you child. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And let me add one point of protection to this conversation\u2014be in agreement with your spouse about how you\u2019re going to draw the lines and the boundaries. If there\u2019s anything that can undermine this whole process, it\u2019s for two parents to be out of sync with one another\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>18:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014one is strict; the other is permissive. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> That\u2019s not going to work.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> This is where you\u2019ve said divorced parents often wind up polarized; because the strict mom, who has custody two weeks of the month\u2014then the lenient dad, who\u2019s got custody the other two weeks or the two weekends \/ whatever it is\u2014all of a sudden, that\u2019s a problem for the child. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong> Parents, who are controlling each other through this. I\u2019ve been in situations where divorced parents are co-parenting; and they\u2019re having this conversation, preemptively, because your kid will play you on this. Your kids are smart; they\u2019re clever. You know what it felt like\u2014you were there. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAs you are entering into this, you have to be synced up. That\u2019s why we have the videos on FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>. That\u2019s why we\u2019re doing this chapter\u2014read the book\u2014give it to your spouse; have them read that chapter. Watch the videos\u2014send it to your spouse. Send it to your ex, as well, and say: \u201cHey, I\u2019m thinking about this. We have to be smart when we get little Johnnie a phone, because there\u2019s going to be a lot at stake.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And \u201cCan we find common ground, even though we may not agree 100 percent?\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>19:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014\u201ccan we find a place where we can both go, \u2018Okay; we\u2019ll support one another in this area\u2019?\u201d It\u2019s important for your kids that you do that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> It is, and I think it\u2019s good to disagree. I think it\u2019s okay to have dissent between the husband and the wife \/ a mom and a dad around the use of this phone. You\u2019re going to get a better decision if you both kind of hammer this one out over a longer period of time. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong> I recommend that you become a missionary to your child. I recommend that you take a perspective of curiosity\u2014and when you find out what their favorite app is\u2014join it. Don\u2019t follow them, necessarily, immediately; but enter into <em>their<\/em> world. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Explain to a parent how you join your child in an app; because there\u2019s a way a parent can do it that looks like they\u2019re snooping and another way\u2014you are recommending\u2014is out of curiosity and maybe sharing the app with them. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong> Right; I think this is for grandmas\u2014for grandmas listening to this, right now\u2014you\u2019re notorious for like any post that your grandkid does\u2014is like writing about it. Take a step back. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>20:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think it\u2019s really important to ask their permission if you can follow them, and just listen to what they say about that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[For parents]: Don\u2019t dive in, necessarily; because you could still hopefully have access to their phone\u2014you take their phone and just look at it. They could have multiple different accounts; then talk with them about it. I think you follow them. Then, there\u2019s a lot of etiquette with different social media\u2014like: \u201cDon\u2019t like your own post on Instagram, Dad. Duh!\u201d There are things that you can learn from your children. You want to be connected to their wonder, just like you want them to be connected to your wisdom. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Your videos, that again we\u2019ve got links to online, will really help parents know how to navigate this situation. There are a lot of parents, Dennis\u2014for them, this chapter in your book is worth the whole price of the book. I mean, everything else in the book is icing on top of the cake; but what they need, right now, is this particular chapter because of what they\u2019re going through. We\u2019ve got both the book and links to the videos on our website at FamilyLifeToday.com.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>21:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>I say that Dennis\u2019s book is <em>fabulous<\/em>\u2014Dennis and Barbara\u2019s book is fabulous, because it\u2019s tying into these timeless ideas. You\u2019ve got to have these timeless ideas of identity, and mission, and character, and relationships. But when we decided to collaborate on it, we realized the biggest pain point\/the biggest battlefield is the smartphone. That\u2019s why we added this, because it will be a great entry point. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> We\u2019re in sync about what we\u2019re talking about here, because we talk about Bridge Building 101\u2014that you\u2019re building a bridge to your child\u2019s heart\u2014so you can protect them, you can take truth to them, and you can grow in that relationship\u2014hopefully, to have some lanes coming back toward you, where you can have a real relationship with them. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Again, we\u2019ve got copies of your book in our <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> Resource Center, along with the video series\u2014the <em>Art of Parenting<\/em>\u2122 that a lot of small groups are using this fall. There\u2019s the online <em>Art of Parenting <\/em>video resource that\u2019s available for free, and there are the videos that David has put together on smartphone usage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>22:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAgain, those are available for you to view when you go to FamilyLifeToday.com. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf this is an issue for you right now\u2014the whole smartphone thing\u2014go watch those videos right now. Go to FamilyLifeToday.com for more information, or call 1-800-FL-TODAY. If you\u2019d like to order any of the <em>Art of Parenting<\/em> resources\u2014the website, again: FamilyLifeToday.com; or call 1-800-358-6329\u2014that\u2019s 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, this weekend, we\u2019ve got hundreds of couples who are joining us in Delray Beach, Florida, for one of our <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em><sup>\u00ae <\/sup>marriage getaways. The fall season is just now under way. We want to ask you to pray for these couples, who are going to be getting away for a weekend to invest in their marriage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHere, at FamilyLife, we are committed to doing all we can do to help couples and families grow in godliness. In fact, our mission is to effectively develop godly marriages and families. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>23:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe do that by providing practical biblical help and hope for your marriage and your family. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe want to thank those of you who make all that we do, here, at <em>FamilyLife<\/em> <em>Today<\/em> possible. Your investment in this ministry is being used by God to bring real change and real hope in the lives of tens of thousands of couples and families all around the world. We\u2019re grateful for you partnership with us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAt the core of our mission is the gospel. That\u2019s why, this month, we\u2019d love to send you, as a thank-you gift for your support, a copy of Bryan Loritts\u2019 book called <em>The<\/em> <em>Cross-Shaped Gospel<\/em>. It\u2019s our thank-you gift when you make a donation today, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com; or when you call 1-800-FL-TODAY to make a donation. You can also request the book, <em>The<\/em> <em>Cross-Shaped Gospel<\/em>, when you mail your donation to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> at PO Box 7111, Little Rock, AR; and our zip code is 72223. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>24:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWith that, we\u2019ve got to wrap things up for this week. Thanks for being with us. I hope you have a great weekend. Hope you and your family are able to worship together in your local church this weekend. Then join us back on Monday when we\u2019re going to talk with a dad who experienced what no parents ever wish to experience with their children\u2014a dad whose son became addicted to opioids. We\u2019ll hear Rick Van Warner\u2019s story beginning Monday. I hope you can be with us for that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\tHelp for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2018 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>"],"_seopress_titles_title":[""],"_seopress_titles_desc":[""],"_seopress_robots_index":[""],"duration":["00:27:34"],"show_notes":[""],"_thumbnail_id":["294104"],"filesize":["25.24M"],"filesize_raw":["26470423"],"_uag_css_file_name":["uag-css-300391.css"],"_uag_js_file_name":["uag-js-300391.js"],"_uag_page_assets":["a:9:{s:3:\"css\";s:82560:\".wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-top svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-top .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: rgba(51,51,51,1);}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-bottom svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-bottom 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Eaton knows that smart phones are hugely popular among adolescents, but they're often misused. Eaton challenges parents to have four conversations with their kids before giving them a cell phone.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2018-09-28.pdf","transcript_content":"<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yourson or daughter\u2019s smartphone is a big part of their world. As a parent, do you have a right to know what\u2019s going on in their life, online? David Eaton says, \u201cAbsolutely!\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong> We don\u2019t have a right to phone privacy; and honestly, you need to model that. I think husbands and wives should know each other\u2019s passwords and usernames\u2014just like parents should know their kids\u2019 passcodes and usernames. Honestly, something that\u2019s scary about the phone\u2014and it\u2019s a lot of work\u2014you should know every single app on your kid\u2019s phone; and you should have in your mind, \u201cWhat is it for?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Friday, September 28<sup>th<\/sup>. Our host is Dennis Rainey, and I'm Bob Lepine. We\u2019re going to talk about what pro-active parenting looks like when it comes to technology\u2014smartphones\/devices. Our guest today is David Eaton. Stay with us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>1:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. Aren\u2019t you glad there were no smartphones when your kids were teenagers?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Oh, my goodness! [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I mean, I remember trying to deal with Instant Messaging\u2014that was a big deal\u2014AIM.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong> Oh, AIM\u2014that was <em>huge<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Oh, yes!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I was looking over my daughter\u2019s shoulder when some young man in Atlanta messaged her and called her a <em>sexy thang<\/em>\u2014T-H-A-N-G. I tapped my daughter on the shoulder: \u201cGet up out of the chair.\u201d [Laughter] I said, \u201cI want to sit down.\u201d I wrote him back and I said, \u201cDear\u201d\u2014whatever his name was\u2014\u201cKen, this is Mr. Rainey, my daughter\u2019s daddy\u201d; okay? \u201cIt is not appropriate for you to refer to my daughter as a <em>sexy thang<\/em>.\u201d [Laughter] And it did help him! I mean, he began to relate a little more\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>2:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014little course direction; little course direction.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yes; exactly!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong> I mean, relational foul and grammar foul. [Laughter] I mean, come on!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Exactly! Well, that voice is David Eaton, who is one of the cofounders of Axis. He and his wife Lindsey have been married since 2009. They have three kids. He is all about helping <em>you<\/em>, as a parent, navigate smartphones and how you, as a parent, can know, <em>at least<\/em>, enough to provide boundaries for your kids as they get them.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes; not just smartphones\u2014Axis is all over helping parents and kids connect around what\u2019s going on in youth culture. I get the \u201cCulture Translator\u201d newsletter that you guys send out every Friday that helps me know what\u2019s going on in youth culture\u2014brings to light things that I wouldn\u2019t know otherwise. This is the sweet spot for what Axis is doing. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSmartphones and devices have become so prevalent that you guys have jumped into this in a big way. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>3:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn fact, you wrote a chapter on this subject for Dennis and Barbara\u2019s book, <em>The Art of Parenting<\/em>, which has just been released. The thing I like about the chapter is it\u2019s not going to be obsolete in three months, because you\u2019re writing about bigger issues than Instant Messaging or Snapchat\u2014which may be gone in a year.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong> It was so tempting to not write about Snapchat\u2014just this little clause in there\u2014because I know that it\u2019s still going to be huge for the next couple of years. But like you said, there\u2019s always going to be something\u2014this technology is not going away. It\u2019s something to be celebrated, but we didn\u2019t want to just write something and people laugh about it six months [from now]. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Back to the big idea\u2014David is challenging parents to have four conversations with their kids. In other words, your kids are looking for dialog. They may not act like it; they mayturn their nose up at the dialog when you attempt to make it happen. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014roll their eyes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> But they need to connect with an adult around issues that could affect them for the rest of their lives. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong> Yes; they\u2019re going to watch you and see how you\u2019re using your phone. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>4:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThey\u2019re going to want to know\u2014like they are going to become like you, so it\u2019s important to have these conversations over phones. Especially, if you get your kid a phone, plan on talking to them about it <em>every<\/em> single week. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Talk to them about it <em>before<\/em> you get them a phone. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong> If you can, that\u2019s <em>great<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>So, when you\u2019re having these conversations\u2014you say there are four. What\u2019s the first one you want to have?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong> The first conversation is all about if you\u2019re tired of being the bad guy\u2014if you always feel that, as a parent, you are always nagging you kids, always saying, \u201cGet off your phone,\u201d\u2014all of that. You are, instead\u2014it\u2019s inviting the phone into a different story for the world. It\u2019s the gospel\u2014it\u2019s the Christian story for the world. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tConversation Number One I call \u201cVery Good, Cursed, and Redeemed.\u201d A lot of people look at a phone and say: \u201cHey, that\u2019s just a neutral thing. It\u2019s just a piece of technology. Technology is neutral.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s real easy to say, \u201cYes, it is neutral\u201d; but I would say: \u201cStop for a second\u2014say: \u2018Wait; is anything really neutral in a world that God made?\u2019 If you look at Genesis, God makes the world <em>very<\/em> good\u2014it says: \u2018\u2026good,\u2019 \u2018\u2026good,\u2019 \u2018\u2026good,\u2019 \u2018\u2026good\u2019; \u2018\u2026very good.\u2019 It\u2019s the first conversation\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>5:00<\/strong>\u00a0<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014\u201cit talks about: \u2018Hey, you\u2019re in charge. Humanity, take control of this\u2014steward this, cultivate it, care for it.\u2019\u201d Second thing is\u2014humanity messes up; it becomes cursed\u2014and then, finally, you have the story of Israelites and then Jesus coming to redeem us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWith the smartphone, I think, as a parent, instead of saying it is neutral, you should say, \u201cOne\u2014it is very good.\u201d If you actually think about it, there have been some studies showing recently that there\u2019s more technology on a smartphone than it took to put a man on the moon.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong> Now, the technology in that space ship\u2014it could withstand a lot of heat and cold and that sort of stuff\u2014but still\u2014that is in your pocket right now. So that\u2019s something to be celebrated: \u201cWow! That\u2019s amazing!\u201d But then, it\u2019s cursed\u2014there\u2019s so many bad things we can do with it\u2014and finally, \u201cHow can we redeem it, as a family?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat this does\u2014is it allows you to position it instead of being the whiny, naggy, always-saying-\u201cGet-off-that-device\u201d parent. Instead, saying: \u201cLet\u2019s talk about why this is awesome,\u201d\u00a0 \u201cLet\u2019s talk about how to celebrate this,\u201d \u201cMan, there are some ditches we can fall into,\u201d and finally, \u201cWhere there are sad things\/bad things that are happening, how can we redeem it?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>6:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> The reason I called David and asked David to write this chapter in our book, <em>The Art of Parenting<\/em>, is because the section it is in is about character. It\u2019s calling parents to raise children who are wise and not fools. What David is wanting to do in this situation is to help parents train their kids to be wise in the use of the phone and not a fool\u2014not fall off into a trap. That\u2019s what you\u2019re pointing out. This device has the ability to be used for good things <em>or<\/em> to truly take a child into a dark place. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Think about just what you said at the beginning: \u201cIs this neutral technology?\u201d It was designed by sinful people.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong> Got it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And it has been handed to sinful people. [Laughter] We can say it\u2019s neutral, but the people who made it and the people who are using it <em>aren\u2019t<\/em> neutral; therein is the problem. Now, we can, as redeemed people, take this technology and say: \u201cWhatever it was meant for when it was designed, there is a redemptive use of this device. Let\u2019s go, aggressively in that direction, and celebrate and rejoice over the redemptive opportunities.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI have opportunities to connect with people around the world, because of my device. We can talk to missionaries and pray for them, not just through letters. I can see their face and pray with them\u2014that\u2019s a <em>wonderful<\/em> use of this technology. We have to be thinking, \u201cWhat are the redemptive purposes?\u201d because there are a lot of people who want to take us over to a dark side, and play to our prurient interests, and get us doing un-redemptive things with our devices. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong> Just think of grandma; right? The grandparents for my children live a thousand miles away. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong> They can actually have that connection via the screen that they couldn\u2019t have had before. That\u2019s really cool.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOne of the statements we like to say at Axis is: \u201cWe\u2019re all about connecting the wisdom of parents with the wonder of their children.\u201d If you\u2019re having a conversation\u2014remember a conversation is not just a preaching at someone\u2014if you say: \u201cHow\u2019s it very good?\u201d \u201cHow\u2019s it cursed?\u201d and \u201cHow can we redeem it, as a family?\u201d don\u2019t be surprised if your precious, wonderful, amazing teen has an observation about how <em>you\u2019re<\/em> using it. [Laughter] I think that\u2019s something that\u2019s very true. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe asked a fourteen-year-old girl, \u201cWhat are you going to do this weekend?\u201d She said, \u201cI\u2019m going to go home and watch my parents stare at their phones,\u201d\u2014like that is pretty sad. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> So answer the question that every parent, who\u2019s listening right now, wants to know. I know it\u2019s an absolute question, but back to Bob\u2019s point\u2014these are sinful little creatures that you\u2019re giving this phone to. [Laughter] The question is this: \u201cWhen?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong> When do you give them their phone? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yes; what\u2019s your coaching for parents to determine when?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong> Yes; I like that question. I think what I would say to this is\u2014it\u2019s a conversation\u2014and the conversation is the third conversation in the book\u2014it\u2019s: \u201cWe are on a journey of trust, with a destination of independence<em>.<\/em>\u201d I think you have to look at your family and say: \u201cHey, we\u2019re on this journey together with this phone. I want to get you at a place of independence, but we\u2019re going to start off with some pretty strict rules.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen you have to say, \u201cIs your ten-year-old standing in a soccer field by themselves, feeling exposed, because you weren\u2019t told soccer practice is going to be over?\u201d You have to think, \u201cOkay; I want to stay in communication with my kid, but that doesn\u2019t mean that they have to get the entire internet.\u201d They can just start off with GPS and the ability to call someone. They don\u2019t even need to start off with texting. I think that\u2019s what I would say. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s a decision you have to make; but when you\u2019re making that decision, you\u2019re entering into a conversation that you\u2019re going to have multiple times a week for the next however-long they\u2019re inside your house.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> One of the things that is talked about in <em>The<\/em> <em>Art of Parenting<\/em> book and video series is that there\u2019s a gradual release that comes with parenting. When your kids are little, you\u2019re staying right on top of them; because they\u2019re not smart enough to know whether the street is safe. But when they get to be 16, you\u2019ve got to gradually start letting go\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>10:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014letting them make some decisions. You try to make sure that they\u2019re safe, but they\u2019re going to make some bad decisions. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat you\u2019re recommending, when it comes to technology and smartphones, is a gradual introduction of the technology. Let them warm up to the fact that, \u201cOh, I can call somebody from anywhere.\u201d Then, maybe six months later, I learn, \u201cNow, I can text people,\u201d or just let it come out, a little at a time, and manage it along the way. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong> To answer your question about what age\u2014again, I think it depends on what level of work you want to do. Bill Gates has a number\u2014his number was 14\u2014he says: \u201cWe don\u2019t have cell phones at the table when we\u2019re having a meal. We don\u2019t give our kids cell phones until they were 14, and they complained that other kids got them earlier. We set a time after which there is no screen time.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHe had three concepts there; but he said, \u201c...14.\u201d Whatever you do, do not make the decision about what age your kid gets a smartphone based on what other parents are doing.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> So go back to the big idea of this conversation\u2014you said, \u201cWe\u2019re on a journey of trust\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>11:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cwith a destination of independence.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I think that applies to <em>so much<\/em> in parenting, not just technology; but this is what we\u2019re talking about. When it comes to technology\u2014the journey of trust. Your child is earning independence\u2014newer levels of independence as they demonstrate that they\u2019re trustworthy with the independence that you\u2019ve given them. Your point is: \u201cDon\u2019t just give them the whole enchilada at age 14, with unlimited access to everything that\u2019s online and think, \u2018Oh, they\u2019re going to do fine.\u2019\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong> Yes; that\u2019s the same reason I don\u2019t set a bowl of M&amp;Ms<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> in front of my two-year-old and say, \u201cYou can only have one\u201d; right? [Laughter] You know, there\u2019s just so much out there. He\u2019s going to stick his whole fist in there and eat it all and ruin his dinner, so you want to gradually do that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat\u2019s important, though, is you want to make sure that their heart is loving righteousness. That\u2019s the hard transition that you have here\u2014is like you want them to earn your trust; but again, you\u2019re having this idea of: \u201cDo you love righteousness and putting yourself in community?\u201d This is a phrase you should say over and over again: \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>12:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cWe are better in community than we are in isolation.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> We skipped over Conversation Two. We kind of got right to Conversation Three with Dennis\u2019s question about\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong> This is why we have books; so you can read it linearly; right? Let\u2019s go back. You want to go back to Conversation Two? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I want to get to Conversation Two. I just want to say one thing about the age. When Barbara and I told the kids what age they could date, it was never an absolute age. Why?\u2014because of the issue you\u2019re talking about\u2014<em>trust<\/em>. If they\u2019ve broken trust, then \u201cWhy are you going to give them more freedom?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut here\u2019s what needs to be in place: \u201cYou need to be obeying us and really following the guidelines we give you in a consistent, habitual way so we trust you.\u201d It\u2019s back to trust again. \u201cAt the point you\u2019ve earned our trust, maybe then we\u2019ll let a little more string out in the kite so that you can fly higher.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Okay; now go back to Conversation Two. What was that?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong> Conversation Number Two is pretty straightforward\u2014it is: \u201cWhat is it for?\u201d \/ \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>13:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cWhat is it for?\u201d You should say this frequently about <em>a lot<\/em> of different things; but a great thing to say about the smartphone is: \u201cWhat is it for? Is it to help us to stay more connected, as a family, to know where everyone is?\u2014to stay connected to Grandma and to Grandpa?\u201d \u201cIs it to get news or do homework better?\u201d Well, then, great; that\u2019s a great purpose for it\u2014it\u2019s asking the question of <em>purpose<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHowever, if you\u2019re saying that\u2014then you go out to dinner. You look around, and the entire family has their phone out. Mom\u2019s on Pinterest, and Dad\u2019s checking his email, and your kids\u2019 keeping their Snap streak going. You\u2019re like, \u201cHere we are, at dinner, and we can\u2019t even have an eye-to-eye conversation \/ a face-to-face conversation; because this is taking so much control over our life.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong> It\u2019s a really simple conversation; and it\u2019s something you can have about a lot of different things: \u201cWhat is the purpose behind it? What is if for?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Here\u2019s the good about that conversation\u2014you are defining: \u201cWhat\u2019s acceptable use of the device?\u201d and \u201cWhat\u2019s unacceptable use?\u201d No kid is going to say, \u201cWell, one of the things it\u2019s for is so that I can look at porn.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>14:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI mean, if they say that, you\u2019re going to go, \u201cNo; that\u2019s not what this device is for. \u201c\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> But you can start off saying, \u201cThat\u2019s <em>not<\/em> what this device is for; therefore, we\u2019re not going to do that with this device.\u201d You\u2019re bifurcating: \u201cIt can do a lot of things. We\u2019re only going to do some of what it can do, because some of what it can do can take you in a really bad direction.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> David, given that statement of purpose\u2014of: \u201cWhat\u2019s it for?\u201d\u2014what if you\u2019re finding out, right now, as you\u2019re listening to us, that your teenager is already misusing the phone? He\u2019s already off\u2014or she\u2019s already off\u2014in some really dangerous places? What would you coach them to do?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong> Well, first thing I\u2019d do is\u2014take a huge, deep breath; and I would not act rashly. Don\u2019t be the parent, who is just always snatching the phone away; always giving it back. You have to say, \u201cWhat is my strategy behind this to get back into the situation?\u201d\u2014that\u2019s why we wrote the chapter. That\u2019s why we have \u201cReclaiming the Smartphone: Four Important Conversations\u201d in the FamilyLifeToday.com website, where you can sign up and watch those videos. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe even have a plan after that for this detox\/this reboot, because you\u2019re having to take away\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>15:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014you\u2019re having to take away freedom, and you\u2019re going to have to fight. It\u2019s not that you shouldn\u2019t, as a parent\u2014it\u2019s just you shouldn\u2019t enter into it lightly. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think one of those things\u2014if you gave your kid a phone and never told them [rules]\u2014they\u2019re going to say: \u201cThis is my phone,\u201d \u201cThis is my phone,\u201d \u201cThis is my phone.\u201d No; you should say: \u201cNo; this is God\u2019s phone. I am the steward of it, as your parent, and you get to use it. Therefore, I get to look at it whenever I want. I get to take it away whenever I want.\u201d It\u2019s this idea of, \u201cHey, you\u2019re better in community.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cBut it\u2019s my phone! It\u2019s privacy. I\u2019ve got to have privacy.\u201d Well, you\u2019re going to have to introduce this idea: \u201cWell, we don\u2019t have a right to phone privacy.\u201d Honestly, you need to model that. I think husbands and wives should know each other\u2019s passwords and usernames\u2014just like parents should know their kids\u2019 passcodes and usernames. Honestly, something that\u2019s scary about the phone\u2014it\u2019s a lot of work\u2014you should know every single app on your kid\u2019s phone; and you should have in your mind, \u201cWhat is it for?\u201d Again, there\u2019s so much to this\u2014it\u2019s worth it\u2014but it is hard work. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>16:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You mentioned that the folks at Apple have just put some new parental controls, so that kids can\u2019t download apps unless mom and dad give the okay. Mom and dad can set a bedtime for the phone. Mom and dad can shut off the phone, with an app on their phone, where they just say, \u201cYour phone\u2019s now off.\u201d That\u2019s a <em>really<\/em> great parenting tool to have. But if all we\u2019re doing is becoming punishers with our phones, there\u2019s a problem there; right? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong> Yes; you\u2019re going to lose the heart of your child on that level. You want to be able to walk with them through this. This brings us to the fourth conversation, which is definitely, I think, the most important conversation\u2014and it\u2019s this: \u201cYou can tell me <em>anything<\/em>.\u201dYour child needs to know, over and over again, that they can tell you anything\u2014and in parenthesis or caveat\u2014\u201c(By the way, I\u2019m safe; I have your best interest in mind, and I will be <em>fair<\/em>.)\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf they don\u2019t trust you to be fair, then they\u2019re going to be scared to bring it to you; and how are they going to get wisdom from you? They\u2019re just going to Google<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> it; they\u2019re going to ask their friends; they\u2019re going to watch the YouTube influencers or the You Tube stars and what they think. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>17:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe\u2019ve got to get connected. Your children have to be connected to the wisdom of their parents and their grandparents with that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s one of those things: \u201cYou can tell me anything.\u201d You have to say that; because you\u2019re going to have to have tough conversations about pornography, sexting, sneaky apps. There are fake social media accounts that you can create so your kid will have multiple\u2014more than likely\u2014your kid will have multiple\/different social media accounts. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI tell you what\u2014the second question we get so many times, Dennis, is\u2014people will say, \u201cWhen should I get my kid a phone?\u201d and \u201cWhen should I let them have social media?\u201d because social media is this whole other level of freedom \/ a whole other level of risk\u2014a whole other way to disciple you child. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And let me add one point of protection to this conversation\u2014be in agreement with your spouse about how you\u2019re going to draw the lines and the boundaries. If there\u2019s anything that can undermine this whole process, it\u2019s for two parents to be out of sync with one another\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>18:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014one is strict; the other is permissive. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> That\u2019s not going to work.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> This is where you\u2019ve said divorced parents often wind up polarized; because the strict mom, who has custody two weeks of the month\u2014then the lenient dad, who\u2019s got custody the other two weeks or the two weekends \/ whatever it is\u2014all of a sudden, that\u2019s a problem for the child. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong> Parents, who are controlling each other through this. I\u2019ve been in situations where divorced parents are co-parenting; and they\u2019re having this conversation, preemptively, because your kid will play you on this. Your kids are smart; they\u2019re clever. You know what it felt like\u2014you were there. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAs you are entering into this, you have to be synced up. That\u2019s why we have the videos on FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>. That\u2019s why we\u2019re doing this chapter\u2014read the book\u2014give it to your spouse; have them read that chapter. Watch the videos\u2014send it to your spouse. Send it to your ex, as well, and say: \u201cHey, I\u2019m thinking about this. We have to be smart when we get little Johnnie a phone, because there\u2019s going to be a lot at stake.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And \u201cCan we find common ground, even though we may not agree 100 percent?\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>19:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014\u201ccan we find a place where we can both go, \u2018Okay; we\u2019ll support one another in this area\u2019?\u201d It\u2019s important for your kids that you do that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> It is, and I think it\u2019s good to disagree. I think it\u2019s okay to have dissent between the husband and the wife \/ a mom and a dad around the use of this phone. You\u2019re going to get a better decision if you both kind of hammer this one out over a longer period of time. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong> I recommend that you become a missionary to your child. I recommend that you take a perspective of curiosity\u2014and when you find out what their favorite app is\u2014join it. Don\u2019t follow them, necessarily, immediately; but enter into <em>their<\/em> world. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Explain to a parent how you join your child in an app; because there\u2019s a way a parent can do it that looks like they\u2019re snooping and another way\u2014you are recommending\u2014is out of curiosity and maybe sharing the app with them. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong> Right; I think this is for grandmas\u2014for grandmas listening to this, right now\u2014you\u2019re notorious for like any post that your grandkid does\u2014is like writing about it. Take a step back. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>20:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think it\u2019s really important to ask their permission if you can follow them, and just listen to what they say about that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[For parents]: Don\u2019t dive in, necessarily; because you could still hopefully have access to their phone\u2014you take their phone and just look at it. They could have multiple different accounts; then talk with them about it. I think you follow them. Then, there\u2019s a lot of etiquette with different social media\u2014like: \u201cDon\u2019t like your own post on Instagram, Dad. Duh!\u201d There are things that you can learn from your children. You want to be connected to their wonder, just like you want them to be connected to your wisdom. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Your videos, that again we\u2019ve got links to online, will really help parents know how to navigate this situation. There are a lot of parents, Dennis\u2014for them, this chapter in your book is worth the whole price of the book. I mean, everything else in the book is icing on top of the cake; but what they need, right now, is this particular chapter because of what they\u2019re going through. We\u2019ve got both the book and links to the videos on our website at FamilyLifeToday.com.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>21:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>I say that Dennis\u2019s book is <em>fabulous<\/em>\u2014Dennis and Barbara\u2019s book is fabulous, because it\u2019s tying into these timeless ideas. You\u2019ve got to have these timeless ideas of identity, and mission, and character, and relationships. But when we decided to collaborate on it, we realized the biggest pain point\/the biggest battlefield is the smartphone. That\u2019s why we added this, because it will be a great entry point. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> We\u2019re in sync about what we\u2019re talking about here, because we talk about Bridge Building 101\u2014that you\u2019re building a bridge to your child\u2019s heart\u2014so you can protect them, you can take truth to them, and you can grow in that relationship\u2014hopefully, to have some lanes coming back toward you, where you can have a real relationship with them. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Again, we\u2019ve got copies of your book in our <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> Resource Center, along with the video series\u2014the <em>Art of Parenting<\/em>\u2122 that a lot of small groups are using this fall. There\u2019s the online <em>Art of Parenting <\/em>video resource that\u2019s available for free, and there are the videos that David has put together on smartphone usage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>22:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAgain, those are available for you to view when you go to FamilyLifeToday.com. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf this is an issue for you right now\u2014the whole smartphone thing\u2014go watch those videos right now. Go to FamilyLifeToday.com for more information, or call 1-800-FL-TODAY. If you\u2019d like to order any of the <em>Art of Parenting<\/em> resources\u2014the website, again: FamilyLifeToday.com; or call 1-800-358-6329\u2014that\u2019s 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, this weekend, we\u2019ve got hundreds of couples who are joining us in Delray Beach, Florida, for one of our <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em><sup>\u00ae <\/sup>marriage getaways. The fall season is just now under way. We want to ask you to pray for these couples, who are going to be getting away for a weekend to invest in their marriage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHere, at FamilyLife, we are committed to doing all we can do to help couples and families grow in godliness. In fact, our mission is to effectively develop godly marriages and families. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>23:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe do that by providing practical biblical help and hope for your marriage and your family. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe want to thank those of you who make all that we do, here, at <em>FamilyLife<\/em> <em>Today<\/em> possible. Your investment in this ministry is being used by God to bring real change and real hope in the lives of tens of thousands of couples and families all around the world. We\u2019re grateful for you partnership with us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAt the core of our mission is the gospel. That\u2019s why, this month, we\u2019d love to send you, as a thank-you gift for your support, a copy of Bryan Loritts\u2019 book called <em>The<\/em> <em>Cross-Shaped Gospel<\/em>. It\u2019s our thank-you gift when you make a donation today, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com; or when you call 1-800-FL-TODAY to make a donation. You can also request the book, <em>The<\/em> <em>Cross-Shaped Gospel<\/em>, when you mail your donation to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> at PO Box 7111, Little Rock, AR; and our zip code is 72223. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>24:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWith that, we\u2019ve got to wrap things up for this week. Thanks for being with us. I hope you have a great weekend. Hope you and your family are able to worship together in your local church this weekend. Then join us back on Monday when we\u2019re going to talk with a dad who experienced what no parents ever wish to experience with their children\u2014a dad whose son became addicted to opioids. We\u2019ll hear Rick Van Warner\u2019s story beginning Monday. I hope you can be with us for that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\tHelp for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2018 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>","theme_header_position":"","post_header_is_sticky":"","is_header_overlay":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast\/300391","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/podcast"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/91"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=300391"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/294104"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=300391"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=300391"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=300391"},{"taxonomy":"podcast_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast_series?post=300391"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=300391"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=300391"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}