{"id":300387,"date":"2018-09-26T11:00:00","date_gmt":"2018-09-26T15:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/finding-connection\/"},"modified":"2024-10-07T22:41:34","modified_gmt":"2024-10-08T02:41:34","slug":"finding-connection","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/finding-connection\/","title":{"rendered":"Finding Connection"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Milan and Kay Yerkovich tell couples how to connect to each other. Milan, an admitted task-oriented avoider, and Kay, an avowed vacillator, tell how they learned to understand and connect with one another.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2018-09-26.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:27:30","filesize":"25.19M","filesize_raw":"26409706","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2082,2862],"tags":[4550,4548,4545],"podcast_series":[7250],"cwp_profile":[8852],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-300387","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-communication","category-understanding-differences","tag-connecting-with-your-spouse","tag-emotional-attachment","tag-marriage-and-family-therapist","podcast_series-how-we-love","cwp_profile-milan-and-kay-yerkovich","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/300387\/finding-connection","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/300387\/finding-connection","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"6KPRuhv9tC\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/finding-connection\/\">Finding Connection<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/finding-connection\/embed\/#?secret=6KPRuhv9tC\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Finding Connection&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"6KPRuhv9tC\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":["https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg",508,508,false]},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"kfairris@familylife.com","author_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/author\/kfairrisfamilylife-com\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"Milan and Kay Yerkovich tell couples how to connect to each other. Milan, an admitted task-oriented avoider, and Kay, an avowed vacillator, tell how they learned to understand and connect with one another.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2018-09-26.pdf","transcript_content":"<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Do you understand your emotions enough that you\u2019re able to put words to what it is you\u2019re feeling? And beyond that, do you know yourself well enough that you know, when you\u2019re in pain, \u201cThis is what would help.\u201d Here\u2019s Kay Yerkovich.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Kay: <\/strong>When you share your feelings \/ if you can link it to a need so that your spouse has a specific way of meeting that need\u2014something doable and concrete\u2014\u201cI feel sad\u2026\u201d or \u201cI feel lonely, because we haven\u2019t had any time to connect. I would really love to go out to dinner tomorrow night. I\u2019ll even get the babysitter, so we can really have a talk and connect.\u201d That\u2019s making a request, not a complaint. Many times, we just make a complaint without really making a request.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Wednesday, September 26<sup>th<\/sup>. Our host is Dennis Rainey, and I'm Bob Lepine. Part of how we love one another in marriage is by understanding each other\u2019s feelings and knowing how we can help. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>1:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe\u2019ll explore that more today. Stay with us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. So, I think the question for us, at this point this week, is to figure out how we help couples who aren\u2019t connecting as they ought to connect\u2014how we help them get from where they are to where God wants them to be; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>We want to help you know how to bond to your spouse.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is what we talk about\u2014we call it \u201coneness\u201d\u2014at the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup> marriage getaway. That\u2019s what God designed marriage for\u2014is that kind of bonding together.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>That\u2019s right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWith us is Milan and Kay Yerkovich\u2014welcome back to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Kay: <\/strong>Thank you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Milan: <\/strong>Thank you!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Milan\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Milan: <\/strong>Thank you so much.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014glad you wrote this book. It\u2019s called <em>How We Love<\/em>. Basically, what they\u2019ve done is\u2014they have let us into a little heart surgery that God did in their marriage, some 15 years into their journey, and have shared with us, in this book, some profound understanding of how we do love each other and how we miss each other in conflict.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>2:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes; and this is tied to how we form attachments, what we experienced as kids, and what we then bring into marriage\u2014kind of these patterns we learned, growing up, and then how those patterns intersect or how they clash.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf a couple\u2019s coming into your office\u2014just give us an example of a couple, who might have different patterns, come into your office\u2014and can you role-play for us what it would look like if these different patterns? Can you do that?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Milan: <\/strong>Sure!\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cHey, I\u2019m home. Where\u2019s the mail? Where\u2026\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Kay: <\/strong>\u201cHi! Oh, I can\u2019t wait to show you\u2014I have something\u2014a surprise. Let me show you.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Milan: <\/strong>\u201cNo; I\u2019m looking for the mail, because we have something from the mortgage company\u2026\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Kay: <\/strong>\u201cHoney, I know; but it\u2019s not that important. I have a really good surprise for you.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Milan: <\/strong>\u201cYou put the mail in a different place every day, and I have no idea where\u2026\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Kay: <\/strong>\u201cNo; it\u2019s always right there.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Milan: <\/strong>\u201cSometimes, you throw it away. I\u2019m looking for the mail!\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Kay: <\/strong>\u201cOkay.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Milan: <\/strong>\u201cIs it here, or is it in the living room? Where\u2019d you put it?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Kay: <\/strong>\u201cIt\u2019s always right there on the desk.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Milan: <\/strong>\u201cIt says, \u2018Mortgage\u2019 on the top of the little envelope.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>3:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Kay: <\/strong>\u201cYou know what? This isn\u2019t just today\u2014today, I have a surprise\u2014but every day, you come through the front door; you go to the mail: \u2018Hello, mail. I can\u2019t wait to see you! I\u2019ve been missing you. I\u2019m so glad you\u2019re here.\u2019 How about I become a piece of mail? How\u2019s that? Then maybe you\u2019ll notice <em>me<\/em>.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Milan: <\/strong>\u201cWe have to fax it today\u2014\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Kay: <\/strong>\u201cYou know what? I don\u2019t even know why I got you a surprise.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Milan: <\/strong>\u201c\u2014and we have to sign it, and we have to fax it today.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Kay: <\/strong>\u201cI\u2019m done. I\u2019m done. I\u2019m not going to ever get you a surprise again!\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Milan: <\/strong>\u201cI know she threw it away.\u201d [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I was getting ready to pull out my whistle as a referee\u2014[Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u201cStop the fight.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014and call a technical foul!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Milan: <\/strong>That\u2019s right. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>So, what were you modeling for us? You\u2019re home-fixated on something functional.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Milan: <\/strong>\u2014a task. I\u2019m the Avoider, who is, functionally, about task mastery and accomplishments of <em>things<\/em>. It\u2019s about non-relational connection.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Okay; and you [Kay] were modelling\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Kay: <\/strong>I\u2019m the Vacillator\u2014I live for connection. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>4:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI\u2019ve been thinking, all day, about it\u2014I\u2019ve been anticipating how he\u2019s going to respond to this surprise. I have an ideal picture in my head of what it should look like; and even though I know he always goes to the mail, I think this day it\u2019s going to be different. When I realize it isn\u2019t, I protest\u2014I get mad, and I retreat.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>If a couple has\u2014maybe this is their dance \/ maybe their dance is something different than this\u2014but they find themselves stepping on one another\u2019s toes pretty regularly as they do their marriage dance\u2014and they say, \u201cOkay; we want to get out of this pattern,\u201d\u2014what\u2019s step number one for them?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Kay: <\/strong>There are two steps. Number one is: \u201cOwn your own attachment style. Own the brokenness in you; own the injury. There\u2019s a whole workbook that goes with <em>How We Love<\/em>, and there\u2019s a separate chapter for each of the broken styles: for the Avoider, the Pleaser, the Vacillator, the Controller, and the Victim.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>You have to know what your style is to own it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Kay: <\/strong>And the growth goals are different.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Okay.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Kay: <\/strong>My growth goal, as an Avoider, was to start to know what I felt, to tell him, and to come close. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>5:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHis was to learn to separate and be okay without constant proximity. Your growth goals may be very different.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd then the second big thing is the comfort circle.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Milan: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Kay: <\/strong>Maybe we could describe that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes; the comfort circle is how we bond with each other. You have a four-step process that really is very practical. This first one\u2014you\u2019ve already hinted at it\u2014is self-awareness. It\u2019s being aware of how you relate to another person.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Milan: <\/strong>We worked very hard for two years\/three years. After we did work hard, we said, \u201cWhat do we do?\u201d We sat down and drew a circle on a piece of paper, and we came up with these four biblical principles. The first one was to seek awareness, which\u2014Psalm 139 says: \u201cLord, search me. Search my soul \/ search my heart. See if there be any anxious ways in there or ways of pain in there, and then lead me in the everlasting way.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo then we developed a \u201cSoul Word List\u201d that describes how we can\u2014say self-awareness: \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>6:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cWhat am I feeling right now?\u201d I didn\u2019t know what I was feeling, except afraid. I had to look through that \u201cSoul Word List\u201d and come up with something that I would then share with Kay. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI had to be strong enough and brave enough to do the second step, which was to speak the truth in love.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Okay; before you jump to that\u2014because Dennis dog-eared this \u201cSoul Word List.\u201d You love this list; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I do, because I think most of us can\u2019t name what we\u2019re feeling.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Milan: <\/strong>Yes; right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>These words, I think, help put key words to what we\u2019re feeling. For instance, \u201canxious\u201d\u2014unpack the word, \u201canxious.\u201d What does that mean?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Milan: <\/strong>I was chronically agitated inside. I was fearful, and my stomach was upset all the time. I found myself panicky and wondering what was going to happen. So then, the anxious person is also hyper-vigilant\u2014looking at people around them, trying to find out and look for the cues as to whether things are going to be okay or not okay\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>7:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014so they can tell themselves, \u201cI\u2019m okay.\u201d They\u2019re very dependent upon other people to help them.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>What about \u201ctraumatized\u201d?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Milan: <\/strong>Well, \u201ctraumatized\u201d means I was scared; I was <em>hurt<\/em> by something. It could be a small \u201ct\u201d\u2014a series of small traumas that are chronic\u2014or it could be a big \u201cT\u201d, where I was in an automobile accident; or I was abused by someone, sexually, or emotionally, or physically. I have to be able to define those; but for most of us, our brain tends to shut these things off. We don\u2019t always want to\u2014nor do we know how to\u2014identify them.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTrauma\u2019s a <em>very<\/em> big thing\u2014that we have to be able to ask ourselves: \u201cWhat happened to us?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Kay: <\/strong>Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>There are probably 20 words on the list: despised, invisible, disappointed, ashamed, confused, betrayed, sad.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014angry. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes; so if you look at this list, and somebody says to you: \u201cOkay; I look at this. So, most of the time\u2014happy, loving, confident, peaceful\u2014those are my words. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>8:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cThat\u2019s how most of my life is.\u201d I\u2019m going, \u201cThat\u2019s how I feel most of the time,\u201d\u2014so what\u2019s going on?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Kay: <\/strong>Well, there are two possibilities for that. You\u2019ve really grown, and you\u2019re in a season where there\u2019s not a lot of stress.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I like that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Kay: <\/strong>More likely, I\u2019m going to say, you probably don\u2019t know how to name your feelings. You probably live with a level of denial and just lack of awareness; because we live in a broken world; and really, every day has stress\u2014it can be a little bit; it can be a lot. Being a mom is stressful; being a spouse is stressful. If we just say we\u2019re always happy and good, we\u2019re probably not being very <em>real<\/em> with the world we live in.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u201cI\u2019m a Christian though. I see some of these words\u2014and I look at these words\u2014I\u2019m not supposed to feel these things, because I\u2019m a Christian. I\u2019m supposed to counsel my own heart that, \u2018This is not true\u2026\u2019\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou\u2019re shaking your head at me, like, \u201cBoy, are you messed up!\u201d [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Kay: <\/strong>Well, we live by that exact thought\u2014that faith meant I didn\u2019t have bad feelings. And then, when I look at the Bible, I look at God describe His feelings\u2014He\u2019s jealous; He\u2019s angry; He\u2019s joyful. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>9:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd I look at David\u2019s feelings, and Job\u2019s feelings, and Paul\u2019s feelings, and I\u2019m like: \u201cWait! The Bible\u2019s <em>full<\/em> of feelings, and they\u2019re expressed!\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>The Psalms is God\u2019s hymn book, and we\u2019re singing all these emotion words back to Him; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Kay: <\/strong>Right!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Milan: <\/strong>That\u2019s exactly right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Kay: <\/strong>I think it\u2019s really a misnomer to think that, if we have faith, we don\u2019t have negative emotions. Faith means I will obey and keep moving forward in my growth; it doesn\u2019t mean I won\u2019t have emotions in that process.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>That\u2019s really good.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>So, I have to get into this self-awareness\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I can help you with that, Bob. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Milan: <\/strong>Well, see\u2014the other thing, Bob, is\u2014you just said, \u201cI\u2019m mostly these things\u2026\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Milan: <\/strong>That means that there\u2019s a percentage where you\u2019re not mostly something\u2014you\u2019re less-ly something.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Well, so I\u2019m sad\u2014I get sad sometimes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Milan: <\/strong>Okay; so when you\u2019re sad, all I\u2019m saying is: \u201cI\u2019d love for you to share with me that you\u2019re sad.\u201d Then I can ask you, \u201cWhat are you sad about today?\u201d And then I can empathize and care for you there, and love you there, and find out: \u201cWhat do you need right now?\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>10:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, that may be ice cream. You may say that would be the thing\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>That would be sweet; yes. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Milan: <\/strong>That would be sweet, because I know you\u2019re an ice cream guy. You may think ice cream\u2019s going to take that sadness away\u2014or a hug, or to sit down and pray with you, or to empathize with the grief that you\u2019re feeling.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>After self-awareness, now, we have to learn how to communicate\u2014is that step two?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Milan: <\/strong>Right. Ephesians 4 says, \u201cSpeak the truth each one of you with his neighbor, for are members of one another.\u201d As a fearful person, I was too afraid to speak the truth. I was a liar. She\u2019d say, \u201cHow are you?\u201d and I\u2019d go, \u201cI\u2019m great\u201d; you know? Well, that wasn\u2019t true. I had to learn to be honest with you and risk the rejection or the backlash that might come from you if I told you the truth.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Did backlash come some?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Kay: <\/strong>Oh, sure. We didn\u2019t have an honest conversation till the 15-year mark. That\u2019s true of Avoider\/Pleaser pairs, because neither one of them want to do messy emotions.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>So, when you started having honest conversations\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Kay: <\/strong>\u2014it was very hard; it was very scary; it was very\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Milan: <\/strong>\u2014stressful.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Kay: <\/strong>\u2014stressful; but\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Did you feel like your relationship was threatened?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>11:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Kay: <\/strong>We had really made a commitment to <em>never<\/em> divorce, so not in <em>that<\/em> way. But I felt that our relationship was very tumultuous\u2014and you know, \u201cAre we going to continue this growth journey, or are we going to bail out and just live like we\u2019ve been living?\u201d\u2014so there was that there.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Barbara and I were driving down the road, just two days ago\/three days ago. She said, \u201cYou\u2019re worrying.\u201d Now, I just have to tell you\u2014I didn\u2019t appreciate that. [Laughter] I did not appreciate her calling me out on it! But I think she was right; I was worrying. She said: \u201cWe\u2019re not going to worry. God\u2019s in charge; He\u2019s in control. Relax; chill!\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThere is a very important part of a marriage relationship to do what you guys are talking about\u2014speak the truth in love. She didn\u2019t hammer me with that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>She spoke it in love.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>The challenge comes when we\u2019re speaking the truth about our relationship with one another\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>12:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014so when we\u2019re saying, \u201cI feel sad, because I feel distant from you,\u201d now, all of a sudden we\u2019re saying, \u201cYou\u2019re messing up,\u201d\u2014we\u2019re calling you out in the relationship. That\u2019s when it can get threatening, especially for a Pleaser, who is just wanting you to be happy all the time; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Milan: <\/strong>Yes; that\u2019s what the Pleaser wants, but you said that very nicely: \u201cI\u2019m sad, because I feel distant.\u201d That\u2019s an honest, vulnerable, transparent request. You know, the Bible says, \u201cYou have not because you ask not.\u201d Isn\u2019t it interesting that God tells us we\u2019re supposed to ask Him?\u2014and yet, He knows us already\u2014that\u2019s sort of an oxymoron right there.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Milan: <\/strong>My spouse, who doesn\u2019t know me, how much more do I have to ask for that which I desire?\u2014so: \u201cI feel distant. I would love to spend more time together,\u201d or \u201cYou seem like you\u2019re worrying, Dennis. What are you worrying about? Do you want to talk about it?\u201d is a way we can draw people out. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe Proverbs also say that it is a wise person who can reach down in and draw out a person\u2019s soul \/ draw out what\u2019s going on inside with them. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>13:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s an attempt to engage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>So you know, though, Kay, that somebody will say, \u201cI\u2019m sad, because I feel distant from you,\u201d and the other person says: \u201cSo it\u2019s my fault again; right? I\u2019m <em>always<\/em> the one who is messing things up and making you feel sad.\u201d\u00a0 All of a sudden, the communication goes sideways; and this whole thing short-circuits.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Kay: <\/strong>Right. I think, when you share your feelings\u2014if you can link it to a need so that your spouse has a specific way of meeting that need\u2014something doable and concrete\u2014\u201cI feel sad\u2026\u201d or \u201cI feel lonely, because we haven\u2019t had any time to connect. I would really love to go out to dinner tomorrow night. I\u2019ll even get the babysitter, so we can really have a talk and connect.\u201d That\u2019s making a request, not a complaint. Many times, we just make a complaint without really making a request.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think awareness is really important, and then speaking the truth in love\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>And then where do we go from there?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Well, you\u2019re now getting into the third step, which is \u201cexplore.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Milan: <\/strong>\u2014which means I\u2019m going to learn to listen to you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>14:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJames 1:19 says, \u201cBe quick to hear\u201d\u2014that means get stuff in your ears as quickly as you can \/ quick to hear\u2014\u201cslow to speak, and slow to anger.\u201d Now, we do those backwards, so we need to learn to do that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI would ask you, then, if you told me, \u201cI\u2019m sad because there\u2019s distance,\u201d I would say, \u201cAnd what else do you feel?\u201d And then I\u2019d ask you if you ever felt that way before you met me and \u201cWhat does distance do to you?\u201d I would want to, then, get to know, through exploration, a deeper understanding of what is behind the protest or the request and the feelings associated with it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Kay: <\/strong>Yes; and I think you have to ask yourself, \u201cWhat did questions mean when you were growing up?\u201d\u2014because some parents ask very <em>thoughtful<\/em> questions\u2014they notice a mood; and they inquire about that mood, or they inquire about your wellbeing, or what\u2019s going on inside. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSome homes are: \u201cWhy did you put your backpack there? I told you, \u2018Take it upstairs.\u2019\u201d The questions are always: \u201cYou\u2019re in trouble!\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>15:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOr maybe your parent\u2019s like a lawyer and going in for the kill\u2014so the questions are backing you into a corner.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe find couples respond to questions, even, from their own training and background; but we had <em>no<\/em> ability to really explore through questions\u2014that was a <em>learned<\/em> skill for us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>One of the things that you do in your book is\u2014you talk about asking these questions and affirming the answer as your spouse gives an answer to it. You\u2019re not trying to create guilt, or shame, or find them creating a sin or a foul, or something like that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>You\u2019re not trying to fix them in the process; right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Exactly. You\u2019re just trying to say: \u201cI am hearing you. I do understand what you\u2019re saying, and I want to affirm that.\u201d As Barbara did\u2014she said: \u201cYes; you\u2019re worrying. You\u2019re really taking too much responsibility in this particular activity \/ a responsibility that you have.\u201d What I said in return was: \u201cYes; I am responsible. You have to realize\u2014somebody has to pay the bills.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>16:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, I\u2019m not talking about our personal finances, at that point; I was talking about a ministry situation. I was feeling very responsible, and she was calling me out. But she also affirmed my responsibility\u2014she said: \u201cThat\u2019s a strength, but don\u2019t just camp there. Don\u2019t worry. God\u2019s in control.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLet\u2019s go on to the fourth step in here. I\u2019m not trying to get away from my situation; Barbara\u2019s not done with me yet. [Laughter] And neither is God, by the way.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Self-awareness, then communication, and then there\u2019s understanding\/empathy\u2014that\u2019s going on\u2014that\u2019s the third thing; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Milan: <\/strong>Exploring\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Exploring; right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Milan: <\/strong>\u2014which will include that. At the very end of listening, I would ask, \u201cWell, then, what do you need from me right now?\u201d By asking, I\u2019m giving them the power to tell me what they <em>need<\/em> from me right now. I\u2019m not telling them: \u201cYou know what? I\u2019m going to go get you your favorite Thai dinner, and you\u2019re going to be just fine.\u201d I\u2019m not trying to fix her, or talk her out, or distract her, or get her off-track\u2014I\u2019m trying to say, \u201cHoney, what do you need right now?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>17:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tShe may say to me: \u201cI need comfort,\u201d \u201cI need to problem-solve,\u201d \u201cI need to analyze what\u2019s going on here,\u201d \u201cI just needed to vent. Thanks for listening to me.\u201d I let her tell me what the solution is she needs. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat brings us to the fourth point, which is resolution. We\u2019re supposed to comfort one another; we\u2019re supposed to, you know, encourage one another. We\u2019re supposed to bear one another\u2019s burdens. I don\u2019t know what your burden is until you tell me; and then, I say, \u201cHoney, how can I help you with that?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Kay: <\/strong>And I think when you answer that question, you have to be very honest about what you can and can\u2019t do. The one who\u2019s speaking\u2014you can\u2019t say, \u201cWell, I want you to be a better husband,\u201d\u2014that\u2019s very vague: \u201cWell, what does that mean exactly?\u201d But to say, \u201cIf you would just pray with me at night, when we go to bed, that would mean a lot to me,\u201d\u2014that\u2019s a very concrete, observable thing that someone can do.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>And I think to give your spouse the freedom to not know the answer to the question\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Kay: <\/strong>Absolutely.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Milan: <\/strong>Oh, absolutely!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014and be patient at that point\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Kay: <\/strong>Right; yes!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014because it may take years.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>18:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>As I\u2019m listening to all of this, I\u2019m thinking, \u201cYou have to have two people, with the right intention, to even begin this process.\u201d I\u2019m imagining somebody listening and going: \u201cOkay; I\u2019m going to do this tonight with my spouse. I\u2019m going to come home and say, \u2018I\u2019ve been searching myself, and I\u2019m having these feelings\u2014I\u2019m aware of them. I want to speak the truth in love to you,\u2019\u201d and then it all breaks down; because we don\u2019t get to understanding\u2014or because, \u201cHere\u2019s what I need from you\u2026\u201d and the person goes, \u201cI\u2019m not going to help with that.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAll of a sudden, now, we\u2019re disappointed. We\u2019re never going to have that conversation with anybody again.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Kay: <\/strong>Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This makes you pretty emotionally vulnerable to enter into this process\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Milan: <\/strong>Oh, it does.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014and the opportunity for somebody to wound you deeply is there every time you go into this.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Kay: <\/strong>Yes; I worked with a woman who had a very adversarial marriage. They were different in every way, and they argued about <em>everything<\/em>. I put her in the listener role; and I said: \u201cI want you to just find out about me. I want to see how well you listen.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>19:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI mean, she was one of the worst listeners I think I ever worked with. I, literally, just taught her how to listen without disagreeing \/ without telling the person they\u2019re wrong; how to be curious \/ how to just draw someone out. We worked very hard until she became quite good at it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tShe came back one day and she said: \u201cI did what you said! I listened to my husband! He was talking about this crazy political stuff that he knows I don\u2019t agree with; but I just kept asking more about it and told him, \u2018That\u2019s very interesting\u2014how you think about that.\u2019 He had this big grin on his face.\u201d And she said, \u201cThe next day, he asked me all those questions.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI just said: \u201cThat is wonderful! You modeled something that he probably never has done before.\u201d She showed genuine interest in him without disagreeing with everything. So, just learning to explore and be curious can be a <em>huge<\/em> plus in a marriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Milan: <\/strong>So, instead of starting with speaking the truth in love, which is where we\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>20:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014and we skip the love part\u2014we just speak the truth\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Right; right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Milan: <\/strong>\u2014instead of starting there. This client that Kay trained was to start with just listening! And <em>boy<\/em>, did that change their relationship.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>James says, \u201cLet everyone be\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Milan: <\/strong>\u2014\u201cquick to hear.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014\u201cquick to hear and slow to speak.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Milan: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>If there\u2019s a listener, who may just have a little bit of a deficiency in listening\u2014[whispering] which I believe is all of us, by the way\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Milan: <\/strong>I agree!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014then I would say, \u201cOpen the Book of James, first chapter, and go after some wisdom. Here\u2019s what James says: \u201cCount it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds,\u201d\u2014A.K.A.: You\u2019re married to a trial\u2014an imperfect image-bearer of God. It says, \u201cIf any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given to him.\u201d And it says, \u201cBut let him ask in faith.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>20:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCome to God and say, \u201cGod, I\u2019d really like some help in learning how to listen to my husband\/to my wife.\u201d Ask God to begin to teach you how to become a better listener. Maybe you know somebody who\u2019s really a good listener. Pick their brain and ask them for the best tips they can give you on listening. I\u2019ll guarantee you\u2014the person who\u2019s a good listener knows how, also, to ask a good question, too, that gets at the heart of the matter.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Milan: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>If you\u2019re looking for some practical help, too, the Yerkovich\u2019s book, <em>How We Love<\/em>, is a great addition to your library. There\u2019s lots in here that you\u2019ll be able to benefit from in your marriage relationship. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI just want to thank you, Milan and Kay, for all your work over the years; and thanks, too, for sticking around, here, at FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> and equipping our staff with a marriage retreat tonight.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Milan: <\/strong>You are so welcome.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Kay: <\/strong>We\u2019re looking forward to that. Thank you!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Milan: <\/strong>We\u2019re delighted.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>And again, I hope our listeners will go online and take the assessment that you\u2019ve created from the <em>How We Love<\/em> book. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>22:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis is a free assessment that will help you understand what your love style is\u2014how you relate to others and where there may be points of conflict. Again, the assessment\u2019s free. You can go, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com to take it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe also have information, as you mentioned, Dennis, about Milan and Kay\u2019s book, <em>How We Love<\/em>. We have that book in our <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> Resource Center. You can order it from us, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com; or call 1-800-FL-TODAY to get your copy. Again, the website is FamilyLifeToday.com. Go there to take the assessment or to order copies of the book; or call if you\u2019d like to order the book by phone: 1-800-FL-TODAY\u2014that\u2019s 1-800-358-6329\u20141-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, TODAY.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, this subject of how we love, not just in marriage, but how we love one another, is at the heart of the gospel. It\u2019s at the heart of all we do, here, at FamilyLife. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>23:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOur mission is to effectively develop godly marriages and families. We believe that it\u2019s through godly marriages and families that God will change the world; and we believe, at the heart of all of that, is the gospel. Everything we do, here, at FamilyLife is centered on our understanding of what God has done for us in Christ.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOur friend, Bryan Loritts, has recently written a book, called <em>The Cross-Shaped Gospel,<\/em> that we think is a great book for couples and families to read together to understand what\u2019s at the core of the gospel message to understand how this impacts every aspect of our lives. We\u2019d love to send you a copy of Bryan\u2019s book, <em>The Cross-Shaped Gospel<\/em>. We\u2019re making it available this month when you help support the ministry of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> with a donation. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou can donate, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com; or call to make your donation over the phone\u20141-800-FL-TODAY is our number. You can also request Bryan\u2019s book, <em>The Cross-Shaped Gospel<\/em>, when you mail your donation to us at <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, PO \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBox 7111, Little Rock, AR; and our zip code is 72223.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>24:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, tomorrow, we\u2019re going to talk about your teens and their devices. I\u2019m talking about the devices they carry with them in their pockets\u2014the devices they seem to be on all the time. We\u2019re going to talk about how we wisely manage their use of those devices, as parents. If you can tune in, be with us for that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\tHelp for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2018 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>","theme_header_position":"","post_header_is_sticky":"","is_header_overlay":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast\/300387","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/podcast"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/91"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=300387"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/294104"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=300387"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=300387"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=300387"},{"taxonomy":"podcast_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast_series?post=300387"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=300387"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=300387"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}