{"id":300371,"date":"2018-09-13T11:00:00","date_gmt":"2018-09-13T15:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/overcoming-despair\/"},"modified":"2024-10-07T22:41:33","modified_gmt":"2024-10-08T02:41:33","slug":"overcoming-despair","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/overcoming-despair\/","title":{"rendered":"Overcoming Despair"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Laura Taggart knows what it&#8217;s like to despair over your marriage. Taggart explains how the wheels fell off her marriage around year 13. Taggart talks about conflict she sees couples having.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2018-09-13.mp3","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:29:34","filesize":"27.08M","filesize_raw":"28392246","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2908,2808,2863],"tags":[4528,4527,2918,4529,4526],"podcast_series":[7247],"cwp_profile":[8850],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-300371","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-forgiveness","category-newlyweds","category-saving-a-marriage","tag-being-critical","tag-communication","tag-conflict","tag-expectations","tag-marriage-conflicts","podcast_series-making-love-last","cwp_profile-laura-taggart","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/300371\/overcoming-despair","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/300371\/overcoming-despair","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"aLbImfFDee\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/overcoming-despair\/\">Overcoming Despair<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/overcoming-despair\/embed\/#?secret=aLbImfFDee\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Overcoming Despair&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"aLbImfFDee\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2018-09-13.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2018-09-13.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014yes; that\u2019s good. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I\u2019m wondering if you\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014should last; it should. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Stop it! Wondering if you can identify: \u201cWhat was the most challenging year of your marriage?\u201d Was it year one?\u2014or was it\u2014I know a little about your marriage\u2014you got married in \u201972. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> You know too much about my marriage after 26 years in the studio. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I know \u201976, four years in, was a challenging year. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I would have to say that was the most challenging year. I wouldn\u2019t characterize that our marriage was ever in trouble; we just went through a <em>lot<\/em> of tough stuff. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>2:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMy dad died. The ministry of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> started, and nobody knew what that was; and we didn\u2019t know what it was, frankly. Barbara had a heart that took off beating 300 beats a minute\u2014had to be rushed to the hospital, near death. Our son had surgery. I mean, it was one thing right after another over an eight- to ten-month period. I have to tell you\u2014both Barbara and I were on our heels, but our marriage had been formed on the Rock. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> So, the floods came, the winds blew and beat against that house, and the rain did as well; but because it was built on the foundation of Jesus Christ, our marriage was still standing at the end of that year. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes; you think about it\u2014we have been, for the last 42 years, helping couples know how to build a marriage on a firm foundation\u2014couples who have attended one of our <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup> marriage getaways. The getaway is all about understanding God\u2019s design for a marriage relationship. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>3:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI mention that here because, this week and next week, we are encouraging <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> listeners to join us at an upcoming getaway this fall. We\u2019re going to be in more than three dozen cities all across the country. If you sign up this week or next week, you will pay half price for your getaway registration. We\u2019re making this offer available as a way to nudge those of you who have never been to a getaway: \u201cCome join us for a weekend to invest in your marriage.\u201d If you\u2019ve been to a getaway but it\u2019s been a while, why not come back for a refresher and join us? Again, you sign up this week or next week, you\u2019ll save 50 percent off the regular registration fee. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou can find out when we\u2019re going to be in a city near where you live or find a good weekend for you and travel to one of our getaways. All of the information is available, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com. You can register, online, and take advantage of the \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t50 percent savings; or you can call if you have any questions and register by phone: 1-800-FL-TODAY is our number. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>4:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe offer is good this week and next week only; so come on out and join us for a <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> getaway, whether your marriage is in a good place or you are struggling a little bit. I think every marriage goes through a season\u2014whether it\u2019s relational or related to circumstances we\u2019re going through, where we\u2019re just not getting along with one another. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Right. We have a guest today who is going to help you divorce-proof your marriage, specifically your young marriage. Laura Taggart joins us on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Laura, welcome to the broadcast. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> Thank you. Great to be here. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> When you say, \u201c\u2026<em>Young Marriage<\/em>\u201d\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> How young do you have to be to qualify? [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014I was going, \u201cNow, wait a second here!\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> So, young marriage\u2014I\u2019m thinking under 15 years or so married. Typically, I\u2019m looking at that demographic set that\u2019s into their mid-thirties or so. The book is really, I think, relatable to any marriages; but I really wanted to focus on those young couples because they\u2019re struggling so much today. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes; the challenges I\u2019m talking about\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>5:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014I\u2019m thinking of the research I\u2019ve seen that says, \u201cThe first seven years can be challenging.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Then, the empty-nest can be kind of another\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> Yes; yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014challenge setting. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou experienced [challenges] early in your marriage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> Oh, yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Wasn\u2019t it year seven for you? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> It was year seven; yes. We had a very, very difficult time. My husband had been building his career, and I was home with kids. He was sacrificing a lot of time away from family, and we were just\u2014I was at a place where I was not handling it very well, and I was angry. So, we had a really difficult, difficult season there. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Was there a crisis point in there where you confronted one another and you said, \u201cI don\u2019t know if this is going to work\u201d? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> Well, there was a crisis point. I was in this season of disillusionment, and being critical, and what-not. Actually, it took until about year 13 until finally my husband had pretty much had enough of my complaining and criticism. He decided he was not going to put up with that anymore, so we had a real crisis right there.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Did he draw a line in the sand? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>6:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> He drew a line in the sand in the sense that he left for a very brief time. It was like a couple of days; and that was really a wakeup call for, I think, both of us to say, \u201cHey, we need to do something really different than what\u2019s going on.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Had you had your two children at that point? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> Oh yes; yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> So, there were children involved; and he had left\/he bailed out. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> He left for a couple of days\u2014he needed to clear his head, and he was trying to maneuver. His dad had passed away as well. He was in a place of, really, kind of reevaluating his life\/his identity. It was a season of uncertainty for sure. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> So, as you work with couples in distress today, which is a part of what you do\u2014you\u2019re involved in marriage ministry in Northern California\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> Yes; yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014not only a writer, but you headed up the Marriage and Family Program at your local church for years. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>As you\u2019re talking to young couples today, you can empathize with what they are experiencing; because you experienced some of it yourself. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> Yes; I have been in those places of despair; and yet, gotten to the other side of that despair and can see how someone would bail in the midst of that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>7:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYet, the sweetness of working it through and working it out is something I can also attest to. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Laura, there used to be what was called the Seven Year Itch, which sounds like what kind of happened to you guys. Your husband starting scratching and didn\u2019t finish for another six years. There\u2014it seems to me that the Seven Year Itch has been cut in half. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> Yes; that\u2019s a really good way to put it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Are you seeing that? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> I am seeing that. I\u2019m seeing young couples are, <em>early<\/em>, getting very disillusioned. I think they come to marriage with more idealized expectations; and when it doesn\u2019t work out as they think it should, they begin to think: \u201cHave I married the right one? Maybe, I should cut my losses now and find that more ideal mate.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThey really struggle when they start to have conflict; they don\u2019t know what to do. They don\u2019t feel\u2014have skills to work through that. Also, they think it shouldn\u2019t be like that. They have a belief that: \u201cReally, we shouldn\u2019t experience this kind of conflict.\u201d I do believe it\u2019s getting younger and younger that people are getting disillusioned when that conflict hits.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>8:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And that conflict is being fed by a number of cultural things that you shared with us before we came into the studio. What are you seeing in your practice with young people today? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> Yes; what I\u2019m seeing is that they are coming in with a lot of anger \/ a lot of unresolved issues. They find that their belief that things should be easier has caused them to not have the tenacity to work it through. For instance, they may come in, and they\u2019ve developed this pattern of distance and cutoff\u2014they don\u2019t know how to bridge that. There is a growing resentment\u2014they\u2019ve developed resentment quite quickly, actually.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn the mist of that disillusionment, they\u2019ve also adopted some of the values of the culture, which says: \u201cHey, we shouldn\u2019t be having these problems. If you found your real, true soul mate, it should be easier. They shouldn\u2019t expect change from me. They should be able to accept me as I am.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>9:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf there is any complaining, they\u2014oftentimes, it moves from complaining, which is completely legitimate in any relationship, to criticism and contempt; because, when the differences surface in an early marriage, they are scary. They don\u2019t have the thought that: \u201cWell, we just\u2014we\u2019re going to be different. We\u2019re going to accept those differences.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen they don\u2019t agree with me, or they have a different vantage point, or they come from a different set of values, then, when the conflict surfaces, they feel like: \u201cOh, I need to make that go away. I need to make the differences go away.\u201d So, they begin to do the criticizing or the withdrawing\u2014the contemptuous behavior. They begin to just get into high degrees of conflict, fairly early, because those differences are not okay for them\u2014they are really quite scary. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> We jumped right into the heart of marital conflict here. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to pull back a little bit and go to how relationships are forming differently today than the way they were formed when we got married. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> Yes; yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> It\u2019s not that our day was idealized\u2014I mean, we had our own issues\u2014but young people are marrying later today. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>10:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> Yes; correct. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Bob:<\/strong> They are marrying with different expectations and different ideas about what marriage should be; aren\u2019t they? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> They are. They are marrying later. They are pushing it off\u2014they are marrying, typically, in the late-20s\/early-30s. When they put off marriage that long, you would <em>think<\/em> that they have spent time finding the one that they want to marry\u2014they have a little more realistic view of what marriage should be\u2014but actually, they tend to be <em>more<\/em> idealistic, because they\u2019ve put it off. They think they\u2019ve found that one they\u2019ve been searching for, so they have these high degrees of expectations as they enter in. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThey also have the whole issue of technology and the influence of a culture that says: \u201cYou should have answers fast. You should have quick solutions. You want to keep your options open too.\u201d There is always this pursuit of what is novel, and new, and keeping options open. Young people\u2014often, they don\u2019t like the idea of being bound to a decision; they want to have the ability to change their mind. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>11:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe idea that\u2014of the influence of technology is: \u201cWe really don\u2019t want to think about doing the hard work of it. We want a more quick solution.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Just Google<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> Just Google it; yes. If the answers aren\u2019t there, then, maybe, there isn\u2019t a problem worth working on; you know? It\u2019s kind of like they begin to invite the options into the relationship; so that\u2019s difficult. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> As you are sitting down with a young couple today who has the idealized picture\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014the fairytale isn\u2019t working out the way they imagined it would\u2014there\u2019s stress or conflict in their marriage. One of the things you tell them is: \u201cThey need to rethink marriage from the ground up.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> In fact, that\u2019s really the first third of your book\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> It is. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014<em>Making Love Last<\/em>\u2014is: \u201cWe need to think about marriage differently\u201d; right? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> Yes; right. One of the ways we need to think about marriage differently is the idea that my mate\/whoever I marry is going to make me happy. <em>That<\/em> thought has a problem for two reasons. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>12:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOne is: \u201cThe mate is going to be imperfect, whoever they are.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> They are going to be disappointing you no matter what. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> So, that\u2019s the first thing that point of view misses. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe second is: \u201c\u2019They are going to make me happy,\u2019 is about <em>me<\/em>\u2014they are going to make <em>me<\/em> happy. Whereas, marriage is <em>not<\/em> about you\u2014it really is about <em>us<\/em> now and making marriage work.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, I think that\u2014also, the issue of compatibility\u2014I think people think, \u201cA happy marriage is a marriage where we are compatible\u2014where we have similar interests, where we have similar likes and dislikes, where we think alike.\u201d The truth of the matter is: \u201cMarriage means you\u2019re going to have to deal with incompatibility.\u201d I love what Tolstoy says about that\u2014he says, \u201cThe key to marriage is not about compatibility. It\u2019s really about what you\u2019re going to do with the incompatibility,\u201d\u2014so learning that we are not going to be thinking alike.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat whole soul mate notion has this idea that: \u201cIf I find that perfect someone, they are going to think like I do. They are not going to expect me to change in anyway. They are going to be accommodating themselves to <em>my<\/em> needs\u2014they are going to fit <em>my<\/em> life.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>13:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen they don\u2019t do that, then there are issues; and they feel surprised by that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> There are a number of folks that think marriage may be outdated and \u201cWhy get married at all?\u201d Comment on that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> Right; and that\u2019s not uncommon, especially among our younger millennial demographic. My comment about that would be: \u201cI think you have a very low view of marriage.\u201d God\u2019s picture of marriage is really about the deepest levels of intimacy you can experience\u2014it is emotional intimacy, sexual intimacy, spiritual intimacy \/ all combined\u2014and <em>that<\/em> in the context of a committed relationship of marriage. <br>\u00a0\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cThe marriage commitment allows there to be enough safety in the relationship\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yes; right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cthat you can, then, start to be truly vulnerable with one another and truly yourselves with one another. As long as there is nothing to hold you together\u2014there is no marriage commitment \/ there\u2019s no marriage covenant\u2014there is always this insecurity in the relationship that robs it of the level of safety necessary to build that kind of committed, covenant, deep level of intimacy in marriage.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>14:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Comment on this, if you would\u2014because you\u2019ve had to see this and you have to have a few opinions on it\u2014I just wondered with couples who cohabit: \u201cHow does that really work? Isn\u2019t it a fear-based relationship, where you\u2019re constantly having to be on your toes, performing, doing things just right, for fear the other person is going to be out of here or tell you to leave?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> Right; well, you know, I did a survey of 256 young marrieds for the making of the book. Thirty percent of those I polled had cohabited before they got married. The reasons they gave for cohabitation was this issue of compatibility: \u201cI want to see if we can work it out. I want to see if we are compatible. I want to see if we can make it,\u201d\u2014so: \u201cThis is sort of a trial run.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat they don\u2019t realize is that, in the trial run, you\u2019re going to find all these incompatibilities\/all these imperfections of the other person. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>15:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf <em>that<\/em> is your basis of marriage\u2014that I\u2019m not going to find those\u2014you will <em>never<\/em> enjoy a committed relationship. It\u2019s when you <em>commit<\/em> and you begin creating that kind of <em>safety<\/em> that marriage provides\u2014do you, then, learn how to embrace the imperfections of your mate and then enter into the transformational experience, I think, God intended marriage to be for all of us with that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I want to go back to year 13 in your marriage, where your husband has taken a couple of days for a sabbatical\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> [Laughter] I don\u2019t think I\u2019d use the word, \u201csabbatical\u201d! [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Well, you guys were at a point, where you were wondering, \u201cHow do we thrive in this?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> Yes; yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You said it was a little bit of a wakeup call for <em>you<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> What was the \u201cAha\u201d in that moment for you that you two think differently about your marriage? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> Well, I remember, while he was gone, I went downstairs. I was sitting on my sofa\u2014I was just crying out to God. I was just\u2014I was angry: I felt like, \u201cI didn\u2019t sign up for this.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>16:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI felt like, \u201cGod, I\u2019ve been trying to do what I thought You\u2019d asked me to do.\u201d I was just kind of feeling sort of resentful, actually. As I was sitting there and pleading, I heard, not audibly; but I heard deep in my heart Him say to me: \u201cLaura, get out of My way. I have got Gary.\u201d It just kind of was like: \u201cWhoa! Really?!\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI realized that I had been laying expectations on him of what I thought I needed; therefore, then, I got really disillusioned. I had developed a really critical spirit. I realized in that moment that: \u201cHey, Laura, He\u2019s got this. Do you trust Him? Are you willing to have hands off and let Him do what He\u2019ll do with Gary?\u201d That really was a huge wakeup call for me; such that, when Gary returned, it was like I was receptive to my own growth. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Spiritually speaking, what role did God have in bringing you two back together to start again? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>17:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> Well, everything; because, when I sensed God saying that to me, I\u2014my hands\u2014literally, I kind of <em>released<\/em> him; so I trusted God more. I realized I put my husband first. This is the state\u2014you know, we talk about the stages of marriages in the book. The initial stage\u2014you have this dream of the way it\u2019s going to be; and this is why it\u2019s hard for young couples. You\u2019ve got this dream\u2014so you have all these expectations around who your mate needs to be and what your life is going to be like. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat second stage of marriage, which is disillusionment, is when the wheels come off the dream, and you realize you are living with this real person, who has his own imperfections or her own imperfections. That disillusionment stage is where all the conflict comes, because those individual priorities and personalities start to reemerge\u2014that were submerged in that dream state\u2014because you\u2019re just trying to make the <em>we<\/em> work. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen you begin to see your first disappointments and disillusionments and: \u201cThis isn\u2019t what I signed up for,\u201d and \u201cThis isn\u2019t who I thought I married,\u201d\u2014and you begin to develop ways of making the differences you\u2019re experiencing go away. You use your tactics\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>18:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014you withdraw from them, you get critical of them, or you get contemptuous or defensive. You\u2019re just trying to get those differences\u2014that are scary\u2014to go away. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br>This was the beginning for <em>me<\/em> of being able to say: \u201cLet go, Laura. You\u2019re not going to fashion Gary. You\u2019ve got to leave the fashioning of Gary to God and just trust.\u201d It moved me into a space of needing to trust God and not hold Gary so tightly and realize: \u201cHe\u2019s not my all in all. I need to turn to the one who is sufficient for me and stop thinking it\u2019s my husband.\u201d Once I did <em>that<\/em> and turned my eyes to Him, I focused more on my growing relationship with <em>Him<\/em> and kind of left Gary to Him. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> At the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaway, we have a pivotal moment on Saturday morning, where we speak to both the husbands and the wives about receiving your spouse as God\u2019s gift to you in their differences\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>19:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014in their limitations \/ in their weaknesses.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014their flaws; yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yes; exactly. The point is: \u201cWill you trust God that He knows what He\u2019s doing when He put you two together in the first place?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou say: \u201cNow, wait a second! We weren\u2019t even acknowledging God when we got married back then.\u201d I\u2019ve got to tell you\u2014even for the person who is out in the spiritual tulies [out in the sticks] and they are not paying any attention to God, the tulies are not outside of God\u2019s control. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> [Laughter] The tulies? The\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> You\u2019ve heard of the tulies. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I think this is the first time, in 26 years, I\u2019ve heard you refer to the tulies. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> It\u2019s near Ozark, Missouri, Bob. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Okay; alright. I thought it was just around the corner from there. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yes, it is; but the reality of what you are talking about\u2014and you held your hands open like this and up\u2014is surrender\u2014you go: \u201cLord, God, You made my spouse. I\u2019m trying to change him\/change her,\u201d\u2014but if you had your way to change them, you\u2019d change them away from the very thing God intended for you\u2014to help perfect His image in your life. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>20:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> So, the question I have is: \u201cFrom that turning point, at 13 years into your marriage, to the point that the two of you looked at each other and said, \u2018You know, I\u2019m really happy that we\u2019re married,\u2019\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> Yes; yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014\u201chow much time and how much <em>work<\/em>?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> It was probably a year or two later. It was not that long, because I began to change\/he began to change. I mean, the shift was pretty remarkable. He knew when I let go, and he then had the freedom to be <em>himself<\/em> in our relationship. He didn\u2019t have to live up to my expectations anymore and weather my disappointment. He could just be who he was, and who he was\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014was pretty great. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> \u2014was pretty great; and he was <em>growing<\/em>. You see, what really was a game-changer for me was to be able to see that. What is hardest for me in Gary and his personality\u2014or his differences\u2014might be the <em>exact<\/em> thing God is using <em>in me<\/em> to change me and my life and fashion me into His likeness. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>21:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> God\u2019s perfect gift for <em>you<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> It\u2019s His; yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> It\u2019s the harder stuff that\u2019s God\u2019s gift to me. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> That\u2019s right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> It\u2019s not the stuff I appreciate, firsthand; it\u2019s the stuff I have to <em>learn<\/em> to appreciate. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> One of the reasons I brought that up is because\u2014I\u2019ve talked about this many times here\u2014I read a statistic, years ago, that in the state of Oklahoma, they talked to people who were on the verge of divorce \/ some who had filed for divorce, but they never went through with it. They checked with these folks five years later; and they said: \u201cHow would you rate your marriage?\u201d Eighty-three percent of them gave their marriage a four or a five, on a five-point scale, five years later when they\u2019d been thinking about divorce, five years earlier. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think it\u2019s important for people, who are listening\u2014who are in the tulies, if we can use that expression: who are in distress\u2014to know: \u201cListen, if you will persevere\u2014if you will keep your focus where it belongs; if you\u2019ll surrender, like Laura\u2019s talked about; if you\u2019ll deal with your stuff instead of trying to fix your spouse\u2019s stuff\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>22:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014there can be a pretty <em>great<\/em> future ahead for you.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think about the number of couples who have joined us at one of our <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaways\u2014who came\u2014and they thought their marriage was <em>over<\/em>. In fact, a lot of these couples came, thinking, \u201cOkay; we\u2019ll do this, and then our conscience will be clear when we get a divorce; because we can say we tried everything.\u201d They come, and they find out: \u201cOh, there is hope still for our marriage. We can make some changes. With God\u2019s help, we can be in a different place in our marriage than we are today.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI just want to say to couples, who are listening: \u201cIf you\u2019ve <em>never<\/em> been to a getaway\u2014if your marriage is in a <em>great<\/em> place \/ if your marriage is struggling\u2014come join us for a weekend this fall at one of our <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaways and find some practical biblical help and hope for your marriage.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tRight now, we are offering a 50 percent savings for anyone who will sign up for a getaway this fall. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>23:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou can go to our website to find out when a getaway is going to be in a location near you, or you can save 50 percent on a getaway gift card if you just want to get the gift card and cash it in later. This week and next week, the 50 percent savings are available if you will register for a getaway when you go to FamilyLifeToday.com or call to register: 1-800-FL-TODAY. Wherever you are in your marriage, this is a <em>great<\/em> investment for you to make; and we\u2019d love to see you at one of our getaways. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLet me also mention\u2014we\u2019ve got copies of Laura Taggart\u2019s book, <em>Making Love Last: Divorce-Proofing Your Young Marriage<\/em>. You can order it from us, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com; or call to order\u20141-800-FL-TODAY is our number. Again, the title of the book is <em>Making Love Last: Divorce-Proofing Your Young Marriage<\/em>. Order at FamilyLifeToday.com; or call to order: 1-800-358-6329\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>24:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014that\u2019s 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, sometimes in marriage, when we are in conflict, stuff gets revealed from inside us that we didn\u2019t even realize was there\u2014some ugly stuff comes out. We\u2019re going to talk more about why that happens and what we do when that happens with our guest, Laura Taggart. She\u2019ll be back with us tomorrow. I hope you can be here as well. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch. We also got some help from Justin Adams and Mark Ramey. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back tomorrow for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\tHelp for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2018 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>"],"_seopress_titles_title":[""],"_seopress_titles_desc":[""],"_seopress_robots_index":[""],"duration":["00:29:34"],"show_notes":[""],"_thumbnail_id":["294104"],"filesize":["27.08M"],"filesize_raw":["28392246"],"_uag_css_file_name":["uag-css-300371.css"],"_uag_js_file_name":["uag-js-300371.js"],"_uag_page_assets":["a:9:{s:3:\"css\";s:82560:\".wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-top svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-top .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: rgba(51,51,51,1);}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-bottom svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-bottom 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Taggart knows what it's like to despair over your marriage. Taggart explains how the wheels fell off her marriage around year 13. Taggart talks about conflict she sees couples having.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2018-09-13.pdf","transcript_content":"<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014yes; that\u2019s good. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I\u2019m wondering if you\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014should last; it should. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Stop it! Wondering if you can identify: \u201cWhat was the most challenging year of your marriage?\u201d Was it year one?\u2014or was it\u2014I know a little about your marriage\u2014you got married in \u201972. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> You know too much about my marriage after 26 years in the studio. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I know \u201976, four years in, was a challenging year. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I would have to say that was the most challenging year. I wouldn\u2019t characterize that our marriage was ever in trouble; we just went through a <em>lot<\/em> of tough stuff. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>2:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMy dad died. The ministry of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> started, and nobody knew what that was; and we didn\u2019t know what it was, frankly. Barbara had a heart that took off beating 300 beats a minute\u2014had to be rushed to the hospital, near death. Our son had surgery. I mean, it was one thing right after another over an eight- to ten-month period. I have to tell you\u2014both Barbara and I were on our heels, but our marriage had been formed on the Rock. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> So, the floods came, the winds blew and beat against that house, and the rain did as well; but because it was built on the foundation of Jesus Christ, our marriage was still standing at the end of that year. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes; you think about it\u2014we have been, for the last 42 years, helping couples know how to build a marriage on a firm foundation\u2014couples who have attended one of our <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup> marriage getaways. The getaway is all about understanding God\u2019s design for a marriage relationship. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>3:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI mention that here because, this week and next week, we are encouraging <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> listeners to join us at an upcoming getaway this fall. We\u2019re going to be in more than three dozen cities all across the country. If you sign up this week or next week, you will pay half price for your getaway registration. We\u2019re making this offer available as a way to nudge those of you who have never been to a getaway: \u201cCome join us for a weekend to invest in your marriage.\u201d If you\u2019ve been to a getaway but it\u2019s been a while, why not come back for a refresher and join us? Again, you sign up this week or next week, you\u2019ll save 50 percent off the regular registration fee. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou can find out when we\u2019re going to be in a city near where you live or find a good weekend for you and travel to one of our getaways. All of the information is available, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com. You can register, online, and take advantage of the \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t50 percent savings; or you can call if you have any questions and register by phone: 1-800-FL-TODAY is our number. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>4:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe offer is good this week and next week only; so come on out and join us for a <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> getaway, whether your marriage is in a good place or you are struggling a little bit. I think every marriage goes through a season\u2014whether it\u2019s relational or related to circumstances we\u2019re going through, where we\u2019re just not getting along with one another. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Right. We have a guest today who is going to help you divorce-proof your marriage, specifically your young marriage. Laura Taggart joins us on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Laura, welcome to the broadcast. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> Thank you. Great to be here. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> When you say, \u201c\u2026<em>Young Marriage<\/em>\u201d\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> How young do you have to be to qualify? [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014I was going, \u201cNow, wait a second here!\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> So, young marriage\u2014I\u2019m thinking under 15 years or so married. Typically, I\u2019m looking at that demographic set that\u2019s into their mid-thirties or so. The book is really, I think, relatable to any marriages; but I really wanted to focus on those young couples because they\u2019re struggling so much today. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes; the challenges I\u2019m talking about\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>5:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014I\u2019m thinking of the research I\u2019ve seen that says, \u201cThe first seven years can be challenging.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Then, the empty-nest can be kind of another\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> Yes; yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014challenge setting. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou experienced [challenges] early in your marriage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> Oh, yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Wasn\u2019t it year seven for you? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> It was year seven; yes. We had a very, very difficult time. My husband had been building his career, and I was home with kids. He was sacrificing a lot of time away from family, and we were just\u2014I was at a place where I was not handling it very well, and I was angry. So, we had a really difficult, difficult season there. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Was there a crisis point in there where you confronted one another and you said, \u201cI don\u2019t know if this is going to work\u201d? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> Well, there was a crisis point. I was in this season of disillusionment, and being critical, and what-not. Actually, it took until about year 13 until finally my husband had pretty much had enough of my complaining and criticism. He decided he was not going to put up with that anymore, so we had a real crisis right there.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Did he draw a line in the sand? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>6:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> He drew a line in the sand in the sense that he left for a very brief time. It was like a couple of days; and that was really a wakeup call for, I think, both of us to say, \u201cHey, we need to do something really different than what\u2019s going on.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Had you had your two children at that point? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> Oh yes; yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> So, there were children involved; and he had left\/he bailed out. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> He left for a couple of days\u2014he needed to clear his head, and he was trying to maneuver. His dad had passed away as well. He was in a place of, really, kind of reevaluating his life\/his identity. It was a season of uncertainty for sure. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> So, as you work with couples in distress today, which is a part of what you do\u2014you\u2019re involved in marriage ministry in Northern California\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> Yes; yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014not only a writer, but you headed up the Marriage and Family Program at your local church for years. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>As you\u2019re talking to young couples today, you can empathize with what they are experiencing; because you experienced some of it yourself. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> Yes; I have been in those places of despair; and yet, gotten to the other side of that despair and can see how someone would bail in the midst of that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>7:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYet, the sweetness of working it through and working it out is something I can also attest to. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Laura, there used to be what was called the Seven Year Itch, which sounds like what kind of happened to you guys. Your husband starting scratching and didn\u2019t finish for another six years. There\u2014it seems to me that the Seven Year Itch has been cut in half. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> Yes; that\u2019s a really good way to put it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Are you seeing that? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> I am seeing that. I\u2019m seeing young couples are, <em>early<\/em>, getting very disillusioned. I think they come to marriage with more idealized expectations; and when it doesn\u2019t work out as they think it should, they begin to think: \u201cHave I married the right one? Maybe, I should cut my losses now and find that more ideal mate.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThey really struggle when they start to have conflict; they don\u2019t know what to do. They don\u2019t feel\u2014have skills to work through that. Also, they think it shouldn\u2019t be like that. They have a belief that: \u201cReally, we shouldn\u2019t experience this kind of conflict.\u201d I do believe it\u2019s getting younger and younger that people are getting disillusioned when that conflict hits.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>8:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And that conflict is being fed by a number of cultural things that you shared with us before we came into the studio. What are you seeing in your practice with young people today? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> Yes; what I\u2019m seeing is that they are coming in with a lot of anger \/ a lot of unresolved issues. They find that their belief that things should be easier has caused them to not have the tenacity to work it through. For instance, they may come in, and they\u2019ve developed this pattern of distance and cutoff\u2014they don\u2019t know how to bridge that. There is a growing resentment\u2014they\u2019ve developed resentment quite quickly, actually.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn the mist of that disillusionment, they\u2019ve also adopted some of the values of the culture, which says: \u201cHey, we shouldn\u2019t be having these problems. If you found your real, true soul mate, it should be easier. They shouldn\u2019t expect change from me. They should be able to accept me as I am.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>9:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf there is any complaining, they\u2014oftentimes, it moves from complaining, which is completely legitimate in any relationship, to criticism and contempt; because, when the differences surface in an early marriage, they are scary. They don\u2019t have the thought that: \u201cWell, we just\u2014we\u2019re going to be different. We\u2019re going to accept those differences.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen they don\u2019t agree with me, or they have a different vantage point, or they come from a different set of values, then, when the conflict surfaces, they feel like: \u201cOh, I need to make that go away. I need to make the differences go away.\u201d So, they begin to do the criticizing or the withdrawing\u2014the contemptuous behavior. They begin to just get into high degrees of conflict, fairly early, because those differences are not okay for them\u2014they are really quite scary. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> We jumped right into the heart of marital conflict here. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to pull back a little bit and go to how relationships are forming differently today than the way they were formed when we got married. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> Yes; yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> It\u2019s not that our day was idealized\u2014I mean, we had our own issues\u2014but young people are marrying later today. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>10:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> Yes; correct. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Bob:<\/strong> They are marrying with different expectations and different ideas about what marriage should be; aren\u2019t they? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> They are. They are marrying later. They are pushing it off\u2014they are marrying, typically, in the late-20s\/early-30s. When they put off marriage that long, you would <em>think<\/em> that they have spent time finding the one that they want to marry\u2014they have a little more realistic view of what marriage should be\u2014but actually, they tend to be <em>more<\/em> idealistic, because they\u2019ve put it off. They think they\u2019ve found that one they\u2019ve been searching for, so they have these high degrees of expectations as they enter in. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThey also have the whole issue of technology and the influence of a culture that says: \u201cYou should have answers fast. You should have quick solutions. You want to keep your options open too.\u201d There is always this pursuit of what is novel, and new, and keeping options open. Young people\u2014often, they don\u2019t like the idea of being bound to a decision; they want to have the ability to change their mind. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>11:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe idea that\u2014of the influence of technology is: \u201cWe really don\u2019t want to think about doing the hard work of it. We want a more quick solution.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Just Google<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> Just Google it; yes. If the answers aren\u2019t there, then, maybe, there isn\u2019t a problem worth working on; you know? It\u2019s kind of like they begin to invite the options into the relationship; so that\u2019s difficult. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> As you are sitting down with a young couple today who has the idealized picture\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014the fairytale isn\u2019t working out the way they imagined it would\u2014there\u2019s stress or conflict in their marriage. One of the things you tell them is: \u201cThey need to rethink marriage from the ground up.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> In fact, that\u2019s really the first third of your book\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> It is. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014<em>Making Love Last<\/em>\u2014is: \u201cWe need to think about marriage differently\u201d; right? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> Yes; right. One of the ways we need to think about marriage differently is the idea that my mate\/whoever I marry is going to make me happy. <em>That<\/em> thought has a problem for two reasons. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>12:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOne is: \u201cThe mate is going to be imperfect, whoever they are.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> They are going to be disappointing you no matter what. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> So, that\u2019s the first thing that point of view misses. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe second is: \u201c\u2019They are going to make me happy,\u2019 is about <em>me<\/em>\u2014they are going to make <em>me<\/em> happy. Whereas, marriage is <em>not<\/em> about you\u2014it really is about <em>us<\/em> now and making marriage work.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, I think that\u2014also, the issue of compatibility\u2014I think people think, \u201cA happy marriage is a marriage where we are compatible\u2014where we have similar interests, where we have similar likes and dislikes, where we think alike.\u201d The truth of the matter is: \u201cMarriage means you\u2019re going to have to deal with incompatibility.\u201d I love what Tolstoy says about that\u2014he says, \u201cThe key to marriage is not about compatibility. It\u2019s really about what you\u2019re going to do with the incompatibility,\u201d\u2014so learning that we are not going to be thinking alike.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat whole soul mate notion has this idea that: \u201cIf I find that perfect someone, they are going to think like I do. They are not going to expect me to change in anyway. They are going to be accommodating themselves to <em>my<\/em> needs\u2014they are going to fit <em>my<\/em> life.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>13:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen they don\u2019t do that, then there are issues; and they feel surprised by that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> There are a number of folks that think marriage may be outdated and \u201cWhy get married at all?\u201d Comment on that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> Right; and that\u2019s not uncommon, especially among our younger millennial demographic. My comment about that would be: \u201cI think you have a very low view of marriage.\u201d God\u2019s picture of marriage is really about the deepest levels of intimacy you can experience\u2014it is emotional intimacy, sexual intimacy, spiritual intimacy \/ all combined\u2014and <em>that<\/em> in the context of a committed relationship of marriage. <br>\u00a0\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cThe marriage commitment allows there to be enough safety in the relationship\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yes; right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cthat you can, then, start to be truly vulnerable with one another and truly yourselves with one another. As long as there is nothing to hold you together\u2014there is no marriage commitment \/ there\u2019s no marriage covenant\u2014there is always this insecurity in the relationship that robs it of the level of safety necessary to build that kind of committed, covenant, deep level of intimacy in marriage.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>14:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Comment on this, if you would\u2014because you\u2019ve had to see this and you have to have a few opinions on it\u2014I just wondered with couples who cohabit: \u201cHow does that really work? Isn\u2019t it a fear-based relationship, where you\u2019re constantly having to be on your toes, performing, doing things just right, for fear the other person is going to be out of here or tell you to leave?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> Right; well, you know, I did a survey of 256 young marrieds for the making of the book. Thirty percent of those I polled had cohabited before they got married. The reasons they gave for cohabitation was this issue of compatibility: \u201cI want to see if we can work it out. I want to see if we are compatible. I want to see if we can make it,\u201d\u2014so: \u201cThis is sort of a trial run.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat they don\u2019t realize is that, in the trial run, you\u2019re going to find all these incompatibilities\/all these imperfections of the other person. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>15:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf <em>that<\/em> is your basis of marriage\u2014that I\u2019m not going to find those\u2014you will <em>never<\/em> enjoy a committed relationship. It\u2019s when you <em>commit<\/em> and you begin creating that kind of <em>safety<\/em> that marriage provides\u2014do you, then, learn how to embrace the imperfections of your mate and then enter into the transformational experience, I think, God intended marriage to be for all of us with that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I want to go back to year 13 in your marriage, where your husband has taken a couple of days for a sabbatical\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> [Laughter] I don\u2019t think I\u2019d use the word, \u201csabbatical\u201d! [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Well, you guys were at a point, where you were wondering, \u201cHow do we thrive in this?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> Yes; yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You said it was a little bit of a wakeup call for <em>you<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> What was the \u201cAha\u201d in that moment for you that you two think differently about your marriage? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> Well, I remember, while he was gone, I went downstairs. I was sitting on my sofa\u2014I was just crying out to God. I was just\u2014I was angry: I felt like, \u201cI didn\u2019t sign up for this.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>16:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI felt like, \u201cGod, I\u2019ve been trying to do what I thought You\u2019d asked me to do.\u201d I was just kind of feeling sort of resentful, actually. As I was sitting there and pleading, I heard, not audibly; but I heard deep in my heart Him say to me: \u201cLaura, get out of My way. I have got Gary.\u201d It just kind of was like: \u201cWhoa! Really?!\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI realized that I had been laying expectations on him of what I thought I needed; therefore, then, I got really disillusioned. I had developed a really critical spirit. I realized in that moment that: \u201cHey, Laura, He\u2019s got this. Do you trust Him? Are you willing to have hands off and let Him do what He\u2019ll do with Gary?\u201d That really was a huge wakeup call for me; such that, when Gary returned, it was like I was receptive to my own growth. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Spiritually speaking, what role did God have in bringing you two back together to start again? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>17:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> Well, everything; because, when I sensed God saying that to me, I\u2014my hands\u2014literally, I kind of <em>released<\/em> him; so I trusted God more. I realized I put my husband first. This is the state\u2014you know, we talk about the stages of marriages in the book. The initial stage\u2014you have this dream of the way it\u2019s going to be; and this is why it\u2019s hard for young couples. You\u2019ve got this dream\u2014so you have all these expectations around who your mate needs to be and what your life is going to be like. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat second stage of marriage, which is disillusionment, is when the wheels come off the dream, and you realize you are living with this real person, who has his own imperfections or her own imperfections. That disillusionment stage is where all the conflict comes, because those individual priorities and personalities start to reemerge\u2014that were submerged in that dream state\u2014because you\u2019re just trying to make the <em>we<\/em> work. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen you begin to see your first disappointments and disillusionments and: \u201cThis isn\u2019t what I signed up for,\u201d and \u201cThis isn\u2019t who I thought I married,\u201d\u2014and you begin to develop ways of making the differences you\u2019re experiencing go away. You use your tactics\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>18:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014you withdraw from them, you get critical of them, or you get contemptuous or defensive. You\u2019re just trying to get those differences\u2014that are scary\u2014to go away. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br>This was the beginning for <em>me<\/em> of being able to say: \u201cLet go, Laura. You\u2019re not going to fashion Gary. You\u2019ve got to leave the fashioning of Gary to God and just trust.\u201d It moved me into a space of needing to trust God and not hold Gary so tightly and realize: \u201cHe\u2019s not my all in all. I need to turn to the one who is sufficient for me and stop thinking it\u2019s my husband.\u201d Once I did <em>that<\/em> and turned my eyes to Him, I focused more on my growing relationship with <em>Him<\/em> and kind of left Gary to Him. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> At the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaway, we have a pivotal moment on Saturday morning, where we speak to both the husbands and the wives about receiving your spouse as God\u2019s gift to you in their differences\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>19:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014in their limitations \/ in their weaknesses.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014their flaws; yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yes; exactly. The point is: \u201cWill you trust God that He knows what He\u2019s doing when He put you two together in the first place?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou say: \u201cNow, wait a second! We weren\u2019t even acknowledging God when we got married back then.\u201d I\u2019ve got to tell you\u2014even for the person who is out in the spiritual tulies [out in the sticks] and they are not paying any attention to God, the tulies are not outside of God\u2019s control. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> [Laughter] The tulies? The\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> You\u2019ve heard of the tulies. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I think this is the first time, in 26 years, I\u2019ve heard you refer to the tulies. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> It\u2019s near Ozark, Missouri, Bob. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Okay; alright. I thought it was just around the corner from there. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yes, it is; but the reality of what you are talking about\u2014and you held your hands open like this and up\u2014is surrender\u2014you go: \u201cLord, God, You made my spouse. I\u2019m trying to change him\/change her,\u201d\u2014but if you had your way to change them, you\u2019d change them away from the very thing God intended for you\u2014to help perfect His image in your life. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>20:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> So, the question I have is: \u201cFrom that turning point, at 13 years into your marriage, to the point that the two of you looked at each other and said, \u2018You know, I\u2019m really happy that we\u2019re married,\u2019\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> Yes; yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014\u201chow much time and how much <em>work<\/em>?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> It was probably a year or two later. It was not that long, because I began to change\/he began to change. I mean, the shift was pretty remarkable. He knew when I let go, and he then had the freedom to be <em>himself<\/em> in our relationship. He didn\u2019t have to live up to my expectations anymore and weather my disappointment. He could just be who he was, and who he was\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014was pretty great. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> \u2014was pretty great; and he was <em>growing<\/em>. You see, what really was a game-changer for me was to be able to see that. What is hardest for me in Gary and his personality\u2014or his differences\u2014might be the <em>exact<\/em> thing God is using <em>in me<\/em> to change me and my life and fashion me into His likeness. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>21:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> God\u2019s perfect gift for <em>you<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> It\u2019s His; yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> It\u2019s the harder stuff that\u2019s God\u2019s gift to me. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> That\u2019s right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> It\u2019s not the stuff I appreciate, firsthand; it\u2019s the stuff I have to <em>learn<\/em> to appreciate. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> One of the reasons I brought that up is because\u2014I\u2019ve talked about this many times here\u2014I read a statistic, years ago, that in the state of Oklahoma, they talked to people who were on the verge of divorce \/ some who had filed for divorce, but they never went through with it. They checked with these folks five years later; and they said: \u201cHow would you rate your marriage?\u201d Eighty-three percent of them gave their marriage a four or a five, on a five-point scale, five years later when they\u2019d been thinking about divorce, five years earlier. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think it\u2019s important for people, who are listening\u2014who are in the tulies, if we can use that expression: who are in distress\u2014to know: \u201cListen, if you will persevere\u2014if you will keep your focus where it belongs; if you\u2019ll surrender, like Laura\u2019s talked about; if you\u2019ll deal with your stuff instead of trying to fix your spouse\u2019s stuff\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>22:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014there can be a pretty <em>great<\/em> future ahead for you.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think about the number of couples who have joined us at one of our <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaways\u2014who came\u2014and they thought their marriage was <em>over<\/em>. In fact, a lot of these couples came, thinking, \u201cOkay; we\u2019ll do this, and then our conscience will be clear when we get a divorce; because we can say we tried everything.\u201d They come, and they find out: \u201cOh, there is hope still for our marriage. We can make some changes. With God\u2019s help, we can be in a different place in our marriage than we are today.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI just want to say to couples, who are listening: \u201cIf you\u2019ve <em>never<\/em> been to a getaway\u2014if your marriage is in a <em>great<\/em> place \/ if your marriage is struggling\u2014come join us for a weekend this fall at one of our <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaways and find some practical biblical help and hope for your marriage.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tRight now, we are offering a 50 percent savings for anyone who will sign up for a getaway this fall. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>23:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou can go to our website to find out when a getaway is going to be in a location near you, or you can save 50 percent on a getaway gift card if you just want to get the gift card and cash it in later. This week and next week, the 50 percent savings are available if you will register for a getaway when you go to FamilyLifeToday.com or call to register: 1-800-FL-TODAY. Wherever you are in your marriage, this is a <em>great<\/em> investment for you to make; and we\u2019d love to see you at one of our getaways. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLet me also mention\u2014we\u2019ve got copies of Laura Taggart\u2019s book, <em>Making Love Last: Divorce-Proofing Your Young Marriage<\/em>. You can order it from us, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com; or call to order\u20141-800-FL-TODAY is our number. Again, the title of the book is <em>Making Love Last: Divorce-Proofing Your Young Marriage<\/em>. Order at FamilyLifeToday.com; or call to order: 1-800-358-6329\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>24:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014that\u2019s 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, sometimes in marriage, when we are in conflict, stuff gets revealed from inside us that we didn\u2019t even realize was there\u2014some ugly stuff comes out. We\u2019re going to talk more about why that happens and what we do when that happens with our guest, Laura Taggart. She\u2019ll be back with us tomorrow. I hope you can be here as well. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch. We also got some help from Justin Adams and Mark Ramey. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back tomorrow for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\tHelp for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2018 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>","theme_header_position":"","post_header_is_sticky":"","is_header_overlay":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast\/300371","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/podcast"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/91"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=300371"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/294104"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=300371"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=300371"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=300371"},{"taxonomy":"podcast_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast_series?post=300371"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=300371"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=300371"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}