{"id":300349,"date":"2018-08-27T11:00:00","date_gmt":"2018-08-27T15:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/putting-your-spouse-in-the-front-seat\/"},"modified":"2024-10-07T22:41:31","modified_gmt":"2024-10-08T02:41:31","slug":"putting-your-spouse-in-the-front-seat","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/putting-your-spouse-in-the-front-seat\/","title":{"rendered":"Putting Your Spouse in the Front Seat"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Ron Deal talks about struggles that take place in a blended family between the biological children and the new spouse. While it&#8217;s tempting to want to put the children first, Deal cautions against it.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2018-08-27.mp3","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:26:53","filesize":"24.61M","filesize_raw":"25805281","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2937,2892],"tags":[4508,4510,4509],"podcast_series":[],"cwp_profile":[3300],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-300349","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-staying-married","category-working-as-a-team","tag-blended-family-struggles","tag-putting-marriage-first","tag-step-parenting","cwp_profile-ron-deal","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/300349\/putting-your-spouse-in-the-front-seat","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/300349\/putting-your-spouse-in-the-front-seat","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"N8jKjxPlto\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/putting-your-spouse-in-the-front-seat\/\">Putting Your Spouse in the Front Seat<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/putting-your-spouse-in-the-front-seat\/embed\/#?secret=N8jKjxPlto\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Putting Your Spouse in the Front Seat&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"N8jKjxPlto\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2018-08-27.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2018-08-27.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<strong>Bob: <\/strong>In a single parent family, it\u2019s not uncommon for a child to sit in the passenger seat while mom or dad are driving. When mom or dad get remarried, and now there\u2019s someone new in the family, that child may not like the idea that their seat in the car has been taken over. Ron Deal says we need to be aware of that and help those kids adjust to the new normal.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Why would they react harshly to this idea of putting your spouse in the front seat? What\u2019s going on for a kid? Well, sometimes they just want to ride in the front and they want what they want, but also there is: \u201cI\u2019ve been through some really rough stuff. I\u2019ve lost connection with somebody. My family has gone through major transitions,\u201d\u2014a tragedy of some sort: a death or a divorce\u2014\u201cI don\u2019t want to go through <em>another<\/em> one of those things.\u201d\u00a0 They are hypersensitive to the idea of being pushed aside, because they\u2019ve seen it happen already in their home.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>1:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Monday, August 27<sup>th<\/sup>. Our host is Dennis Rainey, and I'm Bob Lepine. We\u2019re going to talk today about strategies to help step-parents help their children adjust to the new normal of a stepfamily. Stay with us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. One of the key principles that we try to drive home in FamilyLife\u2019s<em> Art of Parenting<\/em><sup>\u2122<\/sup> video series, and something that you and Barbara wrote about in your book, <em>The Art of Parenting<\/em>, is that, in a family, the marriage relationship has got to be the priority relationship. For the sake of the kids\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014it\u2019s got to be the priority relationship. That\u2019s true in an intact family. That has some unique challenges that come along with it if you\u2019re dealing with a blended family.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yes. One of the biggest arguments we used to have with our kids, on our way to school, was who sat in the front seat\u2014[Laughter]\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>2:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014who got the front seat with daddy. You know, when mom is in the car with me\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Is there any debate at that point?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014there is\u2014there was <em>never<\/em> a debate; because they knew that next to daddy\u2019s heart was mama. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And by the way, that is our friend, Ron Deal, who joins us today on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Ron gives leadership to FamilyLife Blended<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> and appears here, from time to time, when we\u2019re talking about blended family relationships. Glad to have you here.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Thank you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And it\u2019s different in blended families.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Think about your scenario\u2014when mom gets in the car, there\u2019s no question\u2014mom\u2019s in the front seat; everybody knows it. Now, one of your kids may go, \u201cAh, it\u2019s my turn; but okay, I kind of understand mom <em>rightly<\/em> belongs in the front seat.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> There is no discussion!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> There\u2019s no discussion; there\u2019s no debate. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut what if the storyline had been\u2014they take their turns riding in the front seat, and there is no mother in the picture; you\u2019re a single dad. The kids ride in the front; everybody has their turn\u2014<em>they belong<\/em> there. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>3:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen you go and marry somebody, and now it\u2019s <em>her<\/em> that rides in the front seat. How do your kids react to that?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> What had been their territory\/their spot\u2014they\u2019ve just been displaced. We may think, \u201cWell, that\u2019s not a big deal\u201d; but that represents something. I mean, we\u2019re using it as a big deal about where mom sits in the car. This represents something about the order of the family that can be very threatening to stepkids.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> I have to say\u2014one of our most popular articles on FamilyLife.com, in the blended family section, is an article that is exactly about riding in the front seat. In fact, it\u2019s called \u201cPutting Your Spouse in the Front Seat.\u201d I write about this, at length, in two of my books: <em>The Smart Stepfamily<\/em> and <em>The Smart Stepfamily Marriage<\/em>. Why?\u2014because we have learned this is such a <em>critical<\/em> dynamic to get <em>right<\/em> for your blended family to do well.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Ron, I was just recently at a <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup> marriage getaway, talking to a couple in crisis. They weren\u2019t sure they could make their marriage work\u2014blended situation. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>4:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tShe brought kids into the marriage; he didn\u2019t have any kids from any previous relationships. We were having this conversation.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI said to her: \u201cI understand that you feel guilt and shame. You feel responsible for the loss you\u2019re kids have experienced. You want to do anything you can to try to make sure you\u2019re making up for what you brought into your children\u2019s lives. So, at times, you prioritize them ahead of your husband just because, emotionally, you\u2019re thinking, \u2018I\u2019ve put them through so much. I\u2019ve got to sacrifice <em>him<\/em> for their sake.\u2019\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat\u2019s the impulse a parent feels. Explain why that\u2019s a wrong impulse\u2014not a wrong impulse\u2014but why giving into it is a wrong response.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> That\u2019s a very well-worded question, and it\u2019s important to the answer. The impulse is understandable. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>5:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOf course, you\u2019re concerned about your children\u2014as I would say to this woman: \u201cYour mom heart is very deeply concerned about their well-being. They have been through a lot. You do see the pain in their eyes from the past. You don\u2019t want to see more pain in the present, so you want to take care of them and diminish that; so that means putting them in the front seat and asking your husband to ride in the back seat, in which he feels, in that moment, like he\u2019s in the trunk.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat is a marital issue, <em>immediately<\/em>, for the new spouse. That\u2019s why you can\u2019t put him in the back seat, because you are risking the stability of your marriage. Even though your marriage <em>followed<\/em> the children, you still have to have it in the front seat, so to speak, in order for your relationship to lead the home. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you\u2019re going to lead from a position of unity, this is both a parenting issue and a marriage issue all at the same moment. If you\u2019re going to position the new stepdad, in this case, beside you so that you can lead together, then you have to put him in the front seat. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>6:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou have to say to your children: \u201cI\u2019m\u2019 sorry. You\u2019re going to have to go to the back.\u201d You\u2019re going to have to, then, deal with their being upset and them feeling like, \u201cOh, you mean you love him more than us?\u201d You\u2019re going to have to deal with that <em>hard<\/em> moment.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd by the way, how do you deal with that?\u2014a lot of love, some big hugs, a little TLC: \u201cNow, get in the back.\u201d It\u2019s a combination of \u201cI get it. This is hard for you, <em>but<\/em> he\u2019s my husband. Now, he\u2019s going to ride in the front. I\u2019m thinking about letting him drive, but one thing at a time.\u201d [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I want to ask, at this point, if you treat this like Barbara and I did\u2014which was, instead of going through the battle, at the moment, of who sits in the front seat, you have a family time\u2014you just say: \u201cHey, you know what? This is a point of constant strife in our family, so here\u2019s how it\u2019s going to work.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes; you can anticipate this in a blended family and go: \u201cYou know what? We\u2019ve picked up on this\u2014there\u2019s some weeping and gnashing of teeth every time we have a front-seat moment in our home.\u201d\u00a0\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>7:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat does that look like? \u201cI consult my husband about parenting. I didn\u2019t ever have to ask anyone else before. I was a single mom; I could do whatever I wanted. Now, I stop for a minute and I ask him.\u201d The kids notice; and they go, \u201cWait a minute why are you asking him?\u201d Well, this is a front-seat moment: \u201cWell, I\u2019m asking him, because he\u2019s my husband; and I know things have changed.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And you want your kids to understand the loyalties are to the other parent. The marriage has to be a priority and that they need to feel secure in that commitment that you\u2019re not going to run the show by yourself\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes; absolutely.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014or let the kids hijack the car.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> So you do some proactive: \u201cHey, we\u2019re going to have a family meeting. Just want you guys to know that some things are going to change around here and this is why.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLet\u2019s just pause a second and talk about language, because I learned a hard lesson. When I wrote the first edition of <em>The Smart Stepfamily<\/em>\u2014it came out in 2002\u2014and in that edition, I talked very directly about this matter. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>8:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut I made a mistake in how I worded a few things. I used language that implied that, somehow, there was more love for the spouse than for the kids. I don\u2019t even remember exactly how I said it, but that\u2019s what a few people would walk away from. I\u2019d get letters, and I\u2019d get questions at conference events that I do around the country, even now. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI learned: \u201cWow! I have to change that, because\u2026\u201d\u2014for example, we say: \u201cIt is God first, then your spouse, and then your kids\u201d; right? What are we saying with that?\u00a0 We\u2019re saying, \u201cWe prioritize those relationships.\u201d Why do we prioritize marriage? Scripture talks about leaving father and mother; <em>cleaving<\/em> to your spouse\u2014<em>that<\/em> is the start of a new home\u2014it\u2019s the marriage relationship that lays the foundation. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut sometimes, when you say that to somebody who has children from a previous relationship, what they hear is: \u201cAbandon your children, reject them, leave them in isolation and spend all of your time and energy with your new spouse,\u201d\u2014that is <em>not<\/em> what we are saying. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>9:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen I wrote the revised, expanded edition of <em>The Smart Stepfamily<\/em>\u2014that came out in 2014\u2014I changed that wording. I was very careful, because I <em>knew<\/em> what people had heard. That\u2019s <em>not<\/em> what we\u2019re saying. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat we\u2019re saying is that there is one single important relationship in your home that will eventually bring stability to your home. But, now, notice\u2014in the beginning of a blended family, putting your spouse in the front seat actually creates a little instability in your home. Now, that\u2019s backwards; that\u2019s not something that is typical\u2014that\u2019s not true of biological families\u2014but it is true of stepfamilies. It\u2019s <em>another<\/em> adjustment for kids; but eventually, it <em>does<\/em> bring stability to your home because you, as a couple, are leading from a position of unity, and togetherness, and oneness. The children see that and honor that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Ron, we\u2019ve been talking about calling a family meeting and getting the stepchildren and the bio-children together and addressing them as one group. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>10:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt might be wise for the bio-parent of the children to address the issue separately from the stepchildren, so that it\u2019s not an \u201cus\u201d versus \u201cthem\u201d: \u201cHere\u2019s how we need to absorb this, as a little miniature family, as a part of the bigger family.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes; yes. That\u2018s wise. The message of that biological parent can be to their kids: \u201cLook, you\u2019re the greatest kids in the world, and no other children in the universe are more important to me than you guys. Oh, by the way, there\u2019s no other adult more important to me than my new spouse. Now, I realize that that means, for you, that you don\u2019t get as much time with me; and every once in a while I talk to him\u201d\u2014or\u2014\u201cher about decisions. We\u2019re a team. You may not always like that.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And \u201cAs the best kids in the universe, I want you to rally around this person I love!\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes; invite them to that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> This is not just a stepfamily issue.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I mean, in intact families, kids try to divide mom and dad. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>11:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> They try to compete; and in intact families, new mamas often give their heart, time, and attention to their kids\u2014and daddy is now on the sidelines\u2014because mom\u2019s got this new love in her life. So this child-centered versus marriage-centered issue happens in both intact families and in blended families. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI remember, again, in the <em>Art of Parenting<\/em> video series\u2014Bryan Loritts tells the story about getting invited to do ministry in Dubai\u2014they said: \u201cWe\u2019d like to invite you, and we\u2019ll send you two plane tickets.\u201d He said, \u201cOkay; Korie and I\u2014my wife and I are going to go to Dubai.\u201d He said: \u201cOne of my kids said: \u2018Why are you taking Mom? Why does she get to go to Dubai with you?\u201d He said, \u201cWell, because I kind of love her more than I love you.\u201d [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd you think, \u201cYou don\u2019t want to say that to your kid.\u201d No; it helped his child to hear\u2014and he went on to say: \u201cAnd you know what? Someday, you\u2019re going to leave; and mom and I are going to be together long after you\u2019re gone. This is what\u2019s important.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>12:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> This is a really good point, and I want us to unpack what you just said; because there is a difference in saying that in a biological family than in a stepfamily. Here\u2019s the difference. When you say that, tongue in cheek, to a child\u2014\u201c\u2026because I love her more than I love you,\u201d\u2014something inside of that kid kind of laughs along with it, because they know that your love for them is unmistakable; it\u2019s good and right that you love mom. In a blended family, that is <em>unclear<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Sometimes children say, \u201cIt\u2019s good and right that you love your new wife, my stepmother\u201d; but sometimes they\u2019re like: \u201cNow, wait a minute. I\u2019m your flesh and blood. How can you say that?\u201d So what has a positive impact in a biologic home can have a negative in a stepfamily home.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And the stepkids have likely been through some kind of loss.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> They have!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> So when you say, \u201cI love her more than I love you,\u201d they\u2019re hearing, \u201c\u2026loss magnified.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> \u201cOh, no! Here we go again.\u201d \u201cWait a minute! You said that you loved dad; and then you divorced. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>13:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cSo now you\u2019re saying that you love this person more than you love me. Does that mean you\u2019re getting rid of me?\u201d It does have very different implications, given the narrative of the family\u2019s journey, which is why this is important. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBy the way, what we\u2019re doing right now, guys, is <em>so helpful<\/em>\u2014this is what I call \u201cgoing around the Horn\u201d\u2014we\u2019re going around the family; and we\u2019re jumping into the shoes of the child and saying: \u201cWhy would they react harshly to this idea of putting your spouse in the front seat? What\u2019s going on for a kid?\u201d Well, yes, sometimes kids just want to ride in the front and they want what they want. But also there is: \u201cI\u2019ve been through some pretty rough stuff. I\u2019ve lost connection with somebody. My family has gone through major transitions,\u201d\u2014a tragedy of some sort: a death or a divorce\u2014\u201cI don\u2019t want to go through <em>another<\/em> one of those things.\u201d They\u2019re hypersensitive to the idea of being pushed aside, because they\u2019ve seen it happen already in their home. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOf course, they\u2019re not going to welcome this new person riding in the front seat of the family car.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>14:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat you have to do, as a parent, is understand that but not be paralyzed by that. That is the big mistake that biological parents make\u2014they see the pain in their child\u2019s eyes, and they go easy. All of a sudden, they\u2019re putting their kid in the front seat and their spouse in the back seat. That\u2019s the <em>wrong<\/em> move; because over time\u2014you may have prevented a little bit of pain in your child\u2019s heart in the moment, but you\u2019ve created a bigger pain, on behalf of your family, in the long run.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Are there some ways that you\u2019ve seen blended families put their spouse in the back seat without them understanding it? I mean, what are the issues that typically show up in a blended family, where the spouse ends up in the back seat or\u2014maybe, as you mentioned earlier\u2014the trunk?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> We had a woman write in on Facebook<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>\u2014follows us on FamilyLife Blended Facebook: \u201cI don\u2019t get any time alone with my husband when his children are here. For <em>weeks<\/em>, it feels like we\u2019re strangers.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>15:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTheir scenario is\u2014you know, his kids are at their biological mom\u2019s house most of the time. When they come to this house, then dad throws himself, 100 percent, into his kids. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, I want to balance this; because, on the one hand, I think that\u2019s important\u2014he\u2019s dad, and they don\u2019t get much of him. He needs to throw himself into his children; and yet, he needs to spend time with his wife, in their presence, so that they see that this relationship\/this marriage is really a big deal to dad. It\u2019s a delicate balance, but he\u2019s the one that has to keep that balance. If he gives 100 percent to his kids and 0 time to his wife while they\u2019re there, the message is: \u201cShe\u2019s in the back seat,\u201d\u2014that\u2019s a mistake.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Let me just offer, I think, what can be a helpful word picture here. When your kids show up\u2014and they\u2019re now entering into your family \/ into your marriage\u2014they\u2019re going to be with you for the weekend, or they\u2019re going to be with you for the next two weeks, or for a month in the summer \/ whatever it is\u2014you can look at it like: \u201cThe kids are here. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>16:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cOur life stops; and now, this new chapter\u2014where the kids are in the middle of it \/ where they\u2018re at the center of it\u2014that begins.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tInstead of thinking of it that way, I think blended families need to think: \u201cWhen the kids show up, they step into our journey. They become welcome passengers in a journey that is ongoing. We\u2019re glad to have them here, but they\u2019re coming into something that doesn\u2019t stop but something that is ongoing\u2014a relationship that is continuing. Life doesn\u2019t shelf out of one gear into another, but they hop in and we keep moving forward.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> That\u2019s leadership\u2014you are saying: \u201cThis is our family. Come join us; we want you to be a part of this.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, again, I have to acknowledge that that\u2019s harder than it sounds. There are some situations where it\u2019s difficult. For some children, they have felt slighted\u2014because of how things happened or how they got shifted around between homes\u2014so this feels like another \u201cI\u2019m just getting pushed to the side\u201d sort of moment.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>17:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI\u2019m a <em>firm<\/em> believer that biological parents have to move <em>toward<\/em> their children with intentionality, so they can move toward their spouse with intentionality\u2014it is both\/and. Really, this is where we come back to that language thing. Yes; it is God first, and your spouse second, and your kids third; but that doesn\u2019t mean you ignore your kids. And yes; your spouse is your priority relationship, but that doesn\u2019t mean you don\u2019t love your kids. It\u2019s not <em>either<\/em> your spouse <em>or<\/em> your kids\u2014it\u2019s both\/and\u2014of course, it is both\/and. But we recognize that there is a need for intentionality to position the marriage to lead the home. If you don\u2019t do that\u2014particularly, the biological parent hast to be the one to make this happen. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf they\u2019re unwilling\u2014let me share a quick story with you to make a point. I was talking with a guy, one time, about his life\u2014I said,\u201d Tell me about your childhood, growing up.\u201d He said: \u201cMan, I grew up in a blended family. My mom and dad divorced when I was very, very young. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>18:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cProbably around age five or six my mom remarried. I had a stepdad.\u201d Listen to his words\u2014he said: \u201cI love this guy. I called him, \u201cDaddy,\u201d almost from Day 1. He was important to me\/valuable to me. He\u2019s still my dad\u2014far more my dad in my life than my biological dad has ever been.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen these words came out of his mouth: \u201cBut I didn\u2019t respect him. Early on, my mom said to my stepdad, in front of us kids, \u2018Hey, listen, if anything every goes wrong around here, I\u2019m taking the kids and I\u2019m leaving.\u2019\u201d See, that was a <em>huge<\/em> back-seat moment. She said to her husband, \u201cI love my kids more than you, and I will choose them over you any day; so you better watch your step.\u201d What this young man picked up, at the age of five or six, is that: \u201cI don\u2019t have to respect him. Mom didn\u2019t respect him. He\u2019s not in the front seat; I am.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tListen to how <em>powerful<\/em> that backseat moment was in <em>undercutting<\/em> the stepdad\u2019s role in the home. You don\u2019t ever want to say that to your spouse in front of the kids. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>19:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tRather, the message needs to be: \u201cNo, honey; you\u2019re in the front seat,\u201d and \u201cYou and me\u2014we\u2019re going to lead these kids from this moment forward.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And I would say: \u201cDon\u2019t ever say the word, \u2018divorce\u2019 or say \u2018leave.\u2019 \u2018We may have conflict, but we\u2019re going to stick it out for a lifetime.\u2019\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Maybe a time out, but that\u2019s okay\u2014it\u2019s different than leaving.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Exactly. I\u2019ll never forget flying on a lengthy flight, one time, with a young lady seated next to me. I struck up a conversation with her\u2014she was on her way to her father\u2019s house\u2014she said:\u201d I have two homes. I spend one week in one place; one week in the other place,\u201d\u2014joint custody.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI\u2019m playing out this whole scenario of front seat\/back seat. I mean, we just have to stop and say: \u201cIf divorce is about to cause your intact to be split up, we\u2019re talking about complexity here that kids should not have to deal with. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>20:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cThey should not have to try to figure out who\u2019s in the front seat: \u2018Where do I fit with mom?\u2014with dad?\u2014with her new spouse?\u2014his new spouse?\u2019\u201d\u2014etc.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMy heart went out to that young lady, thinking: \u201cWhat must she <em>think<\/em>? What must be going on there? How could she be sorting through all the emotions that she was feeling?\u2014the fear: wondering who she was \/ whose home did she belong to?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> If there\u2019s any way to save a first marriage, do it! If there\u2019s any way to do that, seek reconciliation. Strive to make that relationship work, because you and your children are going to be walking out a tremendous amount of complexity and ambiguity if it ends in divorce.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I\u2019d encourage our listeners to go to FamilyLife Today.com and check out the blended family section that\u2019s there. Read some articles, listen to other broadcasts, and also come and join us at a <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> and get some training to head this stuff off at the pass. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>21:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou don\u2019t want to have to go through this. This is <em>not<\/em> the way marriage and family were designed, by God, to function. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You mention that you\u2019ve written on this subject of putting your spouse in the front seat. We have a link on our website, at FamilyLife Today.com, to the articles that you\u2019ve written; and we\u2019ve got links to the books you\u2019ve written. Again, there\u2019s information available, online, at FamilyLife Today.com.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou and your team are working now on an event that\u2019s going to take place October 24<sup>th<\/sup> and 25<sup>th<\/sup>. This is our sixth annual Summit on Stepfamily Ministry. It\u2019s going to be happening in Little Rock. In addition to you speaking at the event, Linda Ranson Jacobs, who heads up Divorce Care for Kids, is going to be here; Dave and Meg Robbins will be speaking; Lamar and Ronnie Tyler; and others. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe focus this year is on parenting in complex families. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>23:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis is an event for pastors, church leaders, laymen and women\u2014anybody who has a heart for step and blended families and wants to help those families thrive in local churches. They should plan to be in Little Rock October 24th and 25<sup>th<\/sup> for the 2018 Summit on Stepfamily Ministry. There\u2019s information available, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com; or call 1-800-FL-TODAY if you have any questions. Again, the website\u2014FamilyLife Today.com\u2014sign up for the Summit on Stepfamily Ministry happening in October.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI know this is a <em>busy<\/em> time of year for a lot of families, with people already back in school or heading back to school. Summer is winding [down]\u2014school supplies\/new clothes\u2014I mean, all kinds of things that just crowd this part of the summer. I want to ask you, in the middle of the busyness, to do something. Here, at FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, in the month of August, we\u2019ve had friends of the ministry who have come along and offered to match every donation we receive this month\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t24:<strong>00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014on a dollar-for-dollar basis\u2014up to a total of $500,000. This is the last week of the month. If we\u2019re going to take full advantage of this matching-gift opportunity, we need to hear from as many <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> listeners as possible this week.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo in the midst of everything else that is going on, can I ask you to go online and make a donation to help support the ongoing work of this ministry?\u2014or call if that\u2019s easier: 1-800-FL-TODAY\u2014you can make a donation over the phone. When you give to FamilyLife, your money helps us take this message\u2014this practical biblical help and hope for marriages and families\u2014take it to more people more regularly. That\u2019s where the money goes. Again, your donation will be doubled if we can hear from this week; so go to FamilyLife Today.com to donate, or call to donate at 1-800-FL-TODAY. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen you do, we\u2019re going to say, \u201cThank you,\u201d by sending a copy of Dennis and Barbara Rainey\u2019s new book, <em>The Art of Parenting<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t24:00\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s our thank-you gift for your support of this ministry. Especially this week, we want to say, \u201cThank you for getting in touch with us.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe hope you can join us back tomorrow. We\u2019re going to talk about how we can have conversations in this culture about Christian beliefs and Christian values without those conversations going south. Dr. Tim Muehlhoff from Biola University will be here to talk with us about that. I hope you can be here as well.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2018 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>"],"_seopress_titles_title":[""],"_seopress_titles_desc":[""],"_seopress_robots_index":[""],"duration":["00:26:53"],"show_notes":[""],"_thumbnail_id":["294104"],"filesize":["24.61M"],"filesize_raw":["25805281"],"_uag_css_file_name":["uag-css-300349.css"],"_uag_js_file_name":["uag-js-300349.js"],"_uag_page_assets":["a:9:{s:3:\"css\";s:82560:\".wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-top svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-top .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: rgba(51,51,51,1);}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-bottom svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-bottom 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Deal talks about struggles that take place in a blended family between the biological children and the new spouse. While it's tempting to want to put the children first, Deal cautions against it.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2018-08-27.pdf","transcript_content":"<strong>Bob: <\/strong>In a single parent family, it\u2019s not uncommon for a child to sit in the passenger seat while mom or dad are driving. When mom or dad get remarried, and now there\u2019s someone new in the family, that child may not like the idea that their seat in the car has been taken over. Ron Deal says we need to be aware of that and help those kids adjust to the new normal.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Why would they react harshly to this idea of putting your spouse in the front seat? What\u2019s going on for a kid? Well, sometimes they just want to ride in the front and they want what they want, but also there is: \u201cI\u2019ve been through some really rough stuff. I\u2019ve lost connection with somebody. My family has gone through major transitions,\u201d\u2014a tragedy of some sort: a death or a divorce\u2014\u201cI don\u2019t want to go through <em>another<\/em> one of those things.\u201d\u00a0 They are hypersensitive to the idea of being pushed aside, because they\u2019ve seen it happen already in their home.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>1:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Monday, August 27<sup>th<\/sup>. Our host is Dennis Rainey, and I'm Bob Lepine. We\u2019re going to talk today about strategies to help step-parents help their children adjust to the new normal of a stepfamily. Stay with us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. One of the key principles that we try to drive home in FamilyLife\u2019s<em> Art of Parenting<\/em><sup>\u2122<\/sup> video series, and something that you and Barbara wrote about in your book, <em>The Art of Parenting<\/em>, is that, in a family, the marriage relationship has got to be the priority relationship. For the sake of the kids\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014it\u2019s got to be the priority relationship. That\u2019s true in an intact family. That has some unique challenges that come along with it if you\u2019re dealing with a blended family.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yes. One of the biggest arguments we used to have with our kids, on our way to school, was who sat in the front seat\u2014[Laughter]\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>2:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014who got the front seat with daddy. You know, when mom is in the car with me\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Is there any debate at that point?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014there is\u2014there was <em>never<\/em> a debate; because they knew that next to daddy\u2019s heart was mama. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And by the way, that is our friend, Ron Deal, who joins us today on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Ron gives leadership to FamilyLife Blended<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> and appears here, from time to time, when we\u2019re talking about blended family relationships. Glad to have you here.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Thank you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And it\u2019s different in blended families.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Think about your scenario\u2014when mom gets in the car, there\u2019s no question\u2014mom\u2019s in the front seat; everybody knows it. Now, one of your kids may go, \u201cAh, it\u2019s my turn; but okay, I kind of understand mom <em>rightly<\/em> belongs in the front seat.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> There is no discussion!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> There\u2019s no discussion; there\u2019s no debate. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut what if the storyline had been\u2014they take their turns riding in the front seat, and there is no mother in the picture; you\u2019re a single dad. The kids ride in the front; everybody has their turn\u2014<em>they belong<\/em> there. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>3:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen you go and marry somebody, and now it\u2019s <em>her<\/em> that rides in the front seat. How do your kids react to that?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> What had been their territory\/their spot\u2014they\u2019ve just been displaced. We may think, \u201cWell, that\u2019s not a big deal\u201d; but that represents something. I mean, we\u2019re using it as a big deal about where mom sits in the car. This represents something about the order of the family that can be very threatening to stepkids.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> I have to say\u2014one of our most popular articles on FamilyLife.com, in the blended family section, is an article that is exactly about riding in the front seat. In fact, it\u2019s called \u201cPutting Your Spouse in the Front Seat.\u201d I write about this, at length, in two of my books: <em>The Smart Stepfamily<\/em> and <em>The Smart Stepfamily Marriage<\/em>. Why?\u2014because we have learned this is such a <em>critical<\/em> dynamic to get <em>right<\/em> for your blended family to do well.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Ron, I was just recently at a <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup> marriage getaway, talking to a couple in crisis. They weren\u2019t sure they could make their marriage work\u2014blended situation. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>4:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tShe brought kids into the marriage; he didn\u2019t have any kids from any previous relationships. We were having this conversation.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI said to her: \u201cI understand that you feel guilt and shame. You feel responsible for the loss you\u2019re kids have experienced. You want to do anything you can to try to make sure you\u2019re making up for what you brought into your children\u2019s lives. So, at times, you prioritize them ahead of your husband just because, emotionally, you\u2019re thinking, \u2018I\u2019ve put them through so much. I\u2019ve got to sacrifice <em>him<\/em> for their sake.\u2019\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat\u2019s the impulse a parent feels. Explain why that\u2019s a wrong impulse\u2014not a wrong impulse\u2014but why giving into it is a wrong response.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> That\u2019s a very well-worded question, and it\u2019s important to the answer. The impulse is understandable. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>5:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOf course, you\u2019re concerned about your children\u2014as I would say to this woman: \u201cYour mom heart is very deeply concerned about their well-being. They have been through a lot. You do see the pain in their eyes from the past. You don\u2019t want to see more pain in the present, so you want to take care of them and diminish that; so that means putting them in the front seat and asking your husband to ride in the back seat, in which he feels, in that moment, like he\u2019s in the trunk.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat is a marital issue, <em>immediately<\/em>, for the new spouse. That\u2019s why you can\u2019t put him in the back seat, because you are risking the stability of your marriage. Even though your marriage <em>followed<\/em> the children, you still have to have it in the front seat, so to speak, in order for your relationship to lead the home. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you\u2019re going to lead from a position of unity, this is both a parenting issue and a marriage issue all at the same moment. If you\u2019re going to position the new stepdad, in this case, beside you so that you can lead together, then you have to put him in the front seat. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>6:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou have to say to your children: \u201cI\u2019m\u2019 sorry. You\u2019re going to have to go to the back.\u201d You\u2019re going to have to, then, deal with their being upset and them feeling like, \u201cOh, you mean you love him more than us?\u201d You\u2019re going to have to deal with that <em>hard<\/em> moment.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd by the way, how do you deal with that?\u2014a lot of love, some big hugs, a little TLC: \u201cNow, get in the back.\u201d It\u2019s a combination of \u201cI get it. This is hard for you, <em>but<\/em> he\u2019s my husband. Now, he\u2019s going to ride in the front. I\u2019m thinking about letting him drive, but one thing at a time.\u201d [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I want to ask, at this point, if you treat this like Barbara and I did\u2014which was, instead of going through the battle, at the moment, of who sits in the front seat, you have a family time\u2014you just say: \u201cHey, you know what? This is a point of constant strife in our family, so here\u2019s how it\u2019s going to work.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes; you can anticipate this in a blended family and go: \u201cYou know what? We\u2019ve picked up on this\u2014there\u2019s some weeping and gnashing of teeth every time we have a front-seat moment in our home.\u201d\u00a0\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>7:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat does that look like? \u201cI consult my husband about parenting. I didn\u2019t ever have to ask anyone else before. I was a single mom; I could do whatever I wanted. Now, I stop for a minute and I ask him.\u201d The kids notice; and they go, \u201cWait a minute why are you asking him?\u201d Well, this is a front-seat moment: \u201cWell, I\u2019m asking him, because he\u2019s my husband; and I know things have changed.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And you want your kids to understand the loyalties are to the other parent. The marriage has to be a priority and that they need to feel secure in that commitment that you\u2019re not going to run the show by yourself\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes; absolutely.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014or let the kids hijack the car.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> So you do some proactive: \u201cHey, we\u2019re going to have a family meeting. Just want you guys to know that some things are going to change around here and this is why.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLet\u2019s just pause a second and talk about language, because I learned a hard lesson. When I wrote the first edition of <em>The Smart Stepfamily<\/em>\u2014it came out in 2002\u2014and in that edition, I talked very directly about this matter. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>8:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut I made a mistake in how I worded a few things. I used language that implied that, somehow, there was more love for the spouse than for the kids. I don\u2019t even remember exactly how I said it, but that\u2019s what a few people would walk away from. I\u2019d get letters, and I\u2019d get questions at conference events that I do around the country, even now. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI learned: \u201cWow! I have to change that, because\u2026\u201d\u2014for example, we say: \u201cIt is God first, then your spouse, and then your kids\u201d; right? What are we saying with that?\u00a0 We\u2019re saying, \u201cWe prioritize those relationships.\u201d Why do we prioritize marriage? Scripture talks about leaving father and mother; <em>cleaving<\/em> to your spouse\u2014<em>that<\/em> is the start of a new home\u2014it\u2019s the marriage relationship that lays the foundation. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut sometimes, when you say that to somebody who has children from a previous relationship, what they hear is: \u201cAbandon your children, reject them, leave them in isolation and spend all of your time and energy with your new spouse,\u201d\u2014that is <em>not<\/em> what we are saying. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>9:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen I wrote the revised, expanded edition of <em>The Smart Stepfamily<\/em>\u2014that came out in 2014\u2014I changed that wording. I was very careful, because I <em>knew<\/em> what people had heard. That\u2019s <em>not<\/em> what we\u2019re saying. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat we\u2019re saying is that there is one single important relationship in your home that will eventually bring stability to your home. But, now, notice\u2014in the beginning of a blended family, putting your spouse in the front seat actually creates a little instability in your home. Now, that\u2019s backwards; that\u2019s not something that is typical\u2014that\u2019s not true of biological families\u2014but it is true of stepfamilies. It\u2019s <em>another<\/em> adjustment for kids; but eventually, it <em>does<\/em> bring stability to your home because you, as a couple, are leading from a position of unity, and togetherness, and oneness. The children see that and honor that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Ron, we\u2019ve been talking about calling a family meeting and getting the stepchildren and the bio-children together and addressing them as one group. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>10:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt might be wise for the bio-parent of the children to address the issue separately from the stepchildren, so that it\u2019s not an \u201cus\u201d versus \u201cthem\u201d: \u201cHere\u2019s how we need to absorb this, as a little miniature family, as a part of the bigger family.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes; yes. That\u2018s wise. The message of that biological parent can be to their kids: \u201cLook, you\u2019re the greatest kids in the world, and no other children in the universe are more important to me than you guys. Oh, by the way, there\u2019s no other adult more important to me than my new spouse. Now, I realize that that means, for you, that you don\u2019t get as much time with me; and every once in a while I talk to him\u201d\u2014or\u2014\u201cher about decisions. We\u2019re a team. You may not always like that.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And \u201cAs the best kids in the universe, I want you to rally around this person I love!\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes; invite them to that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> This is not just a stepfamily issue.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I mean, in intact families, kids try to divide mom and dad. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>11:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> They try to compete; and in intact families, new mamas often give their heart, time, and attention to their kids\u2014and daddy is now on the sidelines\u2014because mom\u2019s got this new love in her life. So this child-centered versus marriage-centered issue happens in both intact families and in blended families. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI remember, again, in the <em>Art of Parenting<\/em> video series\u2014Bryan Loritts tells the story about getting invited to do ministry in Dubai\u2014they said: \u201cWe\u2019d like to invite you, and we\u2019ll send you two plane tickets.\u201d He said, \u201cOkay; Korie and I\u2014my wife and I are going to go to Dubai.\u201d He said: \u201cOne of my kids said: \u2018Why are you taking Mom? Why does she get to go to Dubai with you?\u201d He said, \u201cWell, because I kind of love her more than I love you.\u201d [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd you think, \u201cYou don\u2019t want to say that to your kid.\u201d No; it helped his child to hear\u2014and he went on to say: \u201cAnd you know what? Someday, you\u2019re going to leave; and mom and I are going to be together long after you\u2019re gone. This is what\u2019s important.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>12:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> This is a really good point, and I want us to unpack what you just said; because there is a difference in saying that in a biological family than in a stepfamily. Here\u2019s the difference. When you say that, tongue in cheek, to a child\u2014\u201c\u2026because I love her more than I love you,\u201d\u2014something inside of that kid kind of laughs along with it, because they know that your love for them is unmistakable; it\u2019s good and right that you love mom. In a blended family, that is <em>unclear<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Sometimes children say, \u201cIt\u2019s good and right that you love your new wife, my stepmother\u201d; but sometimes they\u2019re like: \u201cNow, wait a minute. I\u2019m your flesh and blood. How can you say that?\u201d So what has a positive impact in a biologic home can have a negative in a stepfamily home.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And the stepkids have likely been through some kind of loss.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> They have!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> So when you say, \u201cI love her more than I love you,\u201d they\u2019re hearing, \u201c\u2026loss magnified.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> \u201cOh, no! Here we go again.\u201d \u201cWait a minute! You said that you loved dad; and then you divorced. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>13:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cSo now you\u2019re saying that you love this person more than you love me. Does that mean you\u2019re getting rid of me?\u201d It does have very different implications, given the narrative of the family\u2019s journey, which is why this is important. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBy the way, what we\u2019re doing right now, guys, is <em>so helpful<\/em>\u2014this is what I call \u201cgoing around the Horn\u201d\u2014we\u2019re going around the family; and we\u2019re jumping into the shoes of the child and saying: \u201cWhy would they react harshly to this idea of putting your spouse in the front seat? What\u2019s going on for a kid?\u201d Well, yes, sometimes kids just want to ride in the front and they want what they want. But also there is: \u201cI\u2019ve been through some pretty rough stuff. I\u2019ve lost connection with somebody. My family has gone through major transitions,\u201d\u2014a tragedy of some sort: a death or a divorce\u2014\u201cI don\u2019t want to go through <em>another<\/em> one of those things.\u201d They\u2019re hypersensitive to the idea of being pushed aside, because they\u2019ve seen it happen already in their home. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOf course, they\u2019re not going to welcome this new person riding in the front seat of the family car.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>14:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat you have to do, as a parent, is understand that but not be paralyzed by that. That is the big mistake that biological parents make\u2014they see the pain in their child\u2019s eyes, and they go easy. All of a sudden, they\u2019re putting their kid in the front seat and their spouse in the back seat. That\u2019s the <em>wrong<\/em> move; because over time\u2014you may have prevented a little bit of pain in your child\u2019s heart in the moment, but you\u2019ve created a bigger pain, on behalf of your family, in the long run.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Are there some ways that you\u2019ve seen blended families put their spouse in the back seat without them understanding it? I mean, what are the issues that typically show up in a blended family, where the spouse ends up in the back seat or\u2014maybe, as you mentioned earlier\u2014the trunk?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> We had a woman write in on Facebook<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>\u2014follows us on FamilyLife Blended Facebook: \u201cI don\u2019t get any time alone with my husband when his children are here. For <em>weeks<\/em>, it feels like we\u2019re strangers.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>15:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTheir scenario is\u2014you know, his kids are at their biological mom\u2019s house most of the time. When they come to this house, then dad throws himself, 100 percent, into his kids. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, I want to balance this; because, on the one hand, I think that\u2019s important\u2014he\u2019s dad, and they don\u2019t get much of him. He needs to throw himself into his children; and yet, he needs to spend time with his wife, in their presence, so that they see that this relationship\/this marriage is really a big deal to dad. It\u2019s a delicate balance, but he\u2019s the one that has to keep that balance. If he gives 100 percent to his kids and 0 time to his wife while they\u2019re there, the message is: \u201cShe\u2019s in the back seat,\u201d\u2014that\u2019s a mistake.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Let me just offer, I think, what can be a helpful word picture here. When your kids show up\u2014and they\u2019re now entering into your family \/ into your marriage\u2014they\u2019re going to be with you for the weekend, or they\u2019re going to be with you for the next two weeks, or for a month in the summer \/ whatever it is\u2014you can look at it like: \u201cThe kids are here. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>16:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cOur life stops; and now, this new chapter\u2014where the kids are in the middle of it \/ where they\u2018re at the center of it\u2014that begins.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tInstead of thinking of it that way, I think blended families need to think: \u201cWhen the kids show up, they step into our journey. They become welcome passengers in a journey that is ongoing. We\u2019re glad to have them here, but they\u2019re coming into something that doesn\u2019t stop but something that is ongoing\u2014a relationship that is continuing. Life doesn\u2019t shelf out of one gear into another, but they hop in and we keep moving forward.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> That\u2019s leadership\u2014you are saying: \u201cThis is our family. Come join us; we want you to be a part of this.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, again, I have to acknowledge that that\u2019s harder than it sounds. There are some situations where it\u2019s difficult. For some children, they have felt slighted\u2014because of how things happened or how they got shifted around between homes\u2014so this feels like another \u201cI\u2019m just getting pushed to the side\u201d sort of moment.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>17:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI\u2019m a <em>firm<\/em> believer that biological parents have to move <em>toward<\/em> their children with intentionality, so they can move toward their spouse with intentionality\u2014it is both\/and. Really, this is where we come back to that language thing. Yes; it is God first, and your spouse second, and your kids third; but that doesn\u2019t mean you ignore your kids. And yes; your spouse is your priority relationship, but that doesn\u2019t mean you don\u2019t love your kids. It\u2019s not <em>either<\/em> your spouse <em>or<\/em> your kids\u2014it\u2019s both\/and\u2014of course, it is both\/and. But we recognize that there is a need for intentionality to position the marriage to lead the home. If you don\u2019t do that\u2014particularly, the biological parent hast to be the one to make this happen. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf they\u2019re unwilling\u2014let me share a quick story with you to make a point. I was talking with a guy, one time, about his life\u2014I said,\u201d Tell me about your childhood, growing up.\u201d He said: \u201cMan, I grew up in a blended family. My mom and dad divorced when I was very, very young. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>18:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cProbably around age five or six my mom remarried. I had a stepdad.\u201d Listen to his words\u2014he said: \u201cI love this guy. I called him, \u201cDaddy,\u201d almost from Day 1. He was important to me\/valuable to me. He\u2019s still my dad\u2014far more my dad in my life than my biological dad has ever been.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen these words came out of his mouth: \u201cBut I didn\u2019t respect him. Early on, my mom said to my stepdad, in front of us kids, \u2018Hey, listen, if anything every goes wrong around here, I\u2019m taking the kids and I\u2019m leaving.\u2019\u201d See, that was a <em>huge<\/em> back-seat moment. She said to her husband, \u201cI love my kids more than you, and I will choose them over you any day; so you better watch your step.\u201d What this young man picked up, at the age of five or six, is that: \u201cI don\u2019t have to respect him. Mom didn\u2019t respect him. He\u2019s not in the front seat; I am.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tListen to how <em>powerful<\/em> that backseat moment was in <em>undercutting<\/em> the stepdad\u2019s role in the home. You don\u2019t ever want to say that to your spouse in front of the kids. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>19:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tRather, the message needs to be: \u201cNo, honey; you\u2019re in the front seat,\u201d and \u201cYou and me\u2014we\u2019re going to lead these kids from this moment forward.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And I would say: \u201cDon\u2019t ever say the word, \u2018divorce\u2019 or say \u2018leave.\u2019 \u2018We may have conflict, but we\u2019re going to stick it out for a lifetime.\u2019\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Maybe a time out, but that\u2019s okay\u2014it\u2019s different than leaving.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Exactly. I\u2019ll never forget flying on a lengthy flight, one time, with a young lady seated next to me. I struck up a conversation with her\u2014she was on her way to her father\u2019s house\u2014she said:\u201d I have two homes. I spend one week in one place; one week in the other place,\u201d\u2014joint custody.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI\u2019m playing out this whole scenario of front seat\/back seat. I mean, we just have to stop and say: \u201cIf divorce is about to cause your intact to be split up, we\u2019re talking about complexity here that kids should not have to deal with. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>20:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cThey should not have to try to figure out who\u2019s in the front seat: \u2018Where do I fit with mom?\u2014with dad?\u2014with her new spouse?\u2014his new spouse?\u2019\u201d\u2014etc.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMy heart went out to that young lady, thinking: \u201cWhat must she <em>think<\/em>? What must be going on there? How could she be sorting through all the emotions that she was feeling?\u2014the fear: wondering who she was \/ whose home did she belong to?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> If there\u2019s any way to save a first marriage, do it! If there\u2019s any way to do that, seek reconciliation. Strive to make that relationship work, because you and your children are going to be walking out a tremendous amount of complexity and ambiguity if it ends in divorce.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I\u2019d encourage our listeners to go to FamilyLife Today.com and check out the blended family section that\u2019s there. Read some articles, listen to other broadcasts, and also come and join us at a <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> and get some training to head this stuff off at the pass. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>21:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou don\u2019t want to have to go through this. This is <em>not<\/em> the way marriage and family were designed, by God, to function. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You mention that you\u2019ve written on this subject of putting your spouse in the front seat. We have a link on our website, at FamilyLife Today.com, to the articles that you\u2019ve written; and we\u2019ve got links to the books you\u2019ve written. Again, there\u2019s information available, online, at FamilyLife Today.com.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou and your team are working now on an event that\u2019s going to take place October 24<sup>th<\/sup> and 25<sup>th<\/sup>. This is our sixth annual Summit on Stepfamily Ministry. It\u2019s going to be happening in Little Rock. In addition to you speaking at the event, Linda Ranson Jacobs, who heads up Divorce Care for Kids, is going to be here; Dave and Meg Robbins will be speaking; Lamar and Ronnie Tyler; and others. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe focus this year is on parenting in complex families. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>23:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis is an event for pastors, church leaders, laymen and women\u2014anybody who has a heart for step and blended families and wants to help those families thrive in local churches. They should plan to be in Little Rock October 24th and 25<sup>th<\/sup> for the 2018 Summit on Stepfamily Ministry. There\u2019s information available, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com; or call 1-800-FL-TODAY if you have any questions. Again, the website\u2014FamilyLife Today.com\u2014sign up for the Summit on Stepfamily Ministry happening in October.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI know this is a <em>busy<\/em> time of year for a lot of families, with people already back in school or heading back to school. Summer is winding [down]\u2014school supplies\/new clothes\u2014I mean, all kinds of things that just crowd this part of the summer. I want to ask you, in the middle of the busyness, to do something. Here, at FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, in the month of August, we\u2019ve had friends of the ministry who have come along and offered to match every donation we receive this month\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t24:<strong>00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014on a dollar-for-dollar basis\u2014up to a total of $500,000. This is the last week of the month. If we\u2019re going to take full advantage of this matching-gift opportunity, we need to hear from as many <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> listeners as possible this week.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo in the midst of everything else that is going on, can I ask you to go online and make a donation to help support the ongoing work of this ministry?\u2014or call if that\u2019s easier: 1-800-FL-TODAY\u2014you can make a donation over the phone. When you give to FamilyLife, your money helps us take this message\u2014this practical biblical help and hope for marriages and families\u2014take it to more people more regularly. That\u2019s where the money goes. Again, your donation will be doubled if we can hear from this week; so go to FamilyLife Today.com to donate, or call to donate at 1-800-FL-TODAY. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen you do, we\u2019re going to say, \u201cThank you,\u201d by sending a copy of Dennis and Barbara Rainey\u2019s new book, <em>The Art of Parenting<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t24:00\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s our thank-you gift for your support of this ministry. Especially this week, we want to say, \u201cThank you for getting in touch with us.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe hope you can join us back tomorrow. We\u2019re going to talk about how we can have conversations in this culture about Christian beliefs and Christian values without those conversations going south. Dr. Tim Muehlhoff from Biola University will be here to talk with us about that. I hope you can be here as well.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2018 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>","theme_header_position":"","post_header_is_sticky":"","is_header_overlay":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast\/300349","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/podcast"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/91"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=300349"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/294104"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=300349"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=300349"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=300349"},{"taxonomy":"podcast_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast_series?post=300349"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=300349"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=300349"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}