{"id":300303,"date":"2018-07-19T11:00:00","date_gmt":"2018-07-19T15:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/grieving-the-loss\/"},"modified":"2024-10-07T22:41:28","modified_gmt":"2024-10-08T02:41:28","slug":"grieving-the-loss","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/grieving-the-loss\/","title":{"rendered":"Grieving the Loss"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Ron and Nan Deal share how losing their middle son, Connor, in 2009 at the age of 12 still has them reeling. The Deals share what has helped them, and hurt them, as they&#8217;ve grieved the loss of their son.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2018-07-19.mp3","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:28:01","filesize":"25.65M","filesize_raw":"26891688","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2847,2860,2879],"tags":[4280,2343,4457,2605,4458],"podcast_series":[7232],"cwp_profile":[3629,3300],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-300303","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-death-and-dying","category-hardship-and-suffering","category-loss-of-a-child","tag-death","tag-grief","tag-loss-of-a-child","tag-sickness","tag-tragic-loss","podcast_series-connors-song","cwp_profile-nan-deal","cwp_profile-ron-deal","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/300303\/grieving-the-loss","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/300303\/grieving-the-loss","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"jhbr0rFMyK\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/grieving-the-loss\/\">Grieving the Loss<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/grieving-the-loss\/embed\/#?secret=jhbr0rFMyK\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Grieving the Loss&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"jhbr0rFMyK\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2018-07-19.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2018-07-19.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> When Job received the news that his children were dead, Job responded by saying: \u201cThe Lord gives, and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.\u201d Ron Deal says, \u201cWhile that\u2019s true, when you face the loss of a child, your world still changes dramatically.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Sometimes, I\u2019ll say to parents: \u201cYou remember life before you had your first child? You remember how everything changed? Your schedule changed. Your thoughts about the day, and how you organized your life, and what really mattered to you, and what you did with your free time\u2014you know, like <em>everything<\/em> changes\u2014your sleep pattern changes; your food habits change. I mean, like it ripples into <em>every<\/em> aspect of your life. Same thing happens when you lose a child\u2014it\u2019s just all in reverse. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Thursday, July 19<sup>th<\/sup>. Our host is Dennis Rainey, and I\u2019m Bob Lepine. Every breath \/ the gift of life itself is a gift from God. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>1:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe have to recognize it\u2019s a gift over which He is sovereign. We\u2019ll hear more about that today from Ron and Nan Deal. Stay with us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. I\u2019ve often wondered, in my own mind, whether it would be easier or harder to have a loved one die from a prolonged illness, where you go down that long path with them and you\u2019re experiencing the journey for weeks or months, or whether the immediate loss of someone\u2014I\u2019ve wondered which is emotionally harder\u2014to walk the long path or to get a phone call one day and find out that a loved one is gone. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> You remember, Bob, that we interviewed Jerry Sitsser, here on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, author of <em>A Grace Disguised<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>2:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBasically, if he was here, he would say that loss is just that\u2014you can\u2019t compare losses. You just have to look at it and go: \u201cHer loss\/his loss is not greater than mine,\u201d \/ \u201cMine is not greater that his.\u201d There\u2019s been something that you value that you have truly lost. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe have with us a couple who we work with, here, at FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>\u2014Ron and Nan Deal, who have a story that they are continuing to tell about a loss they experienced. Ron\/Nan, welcome back. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Thank you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Nan:<\/strong> Thank you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Ron and Nan have been married since 1986. They have three sons, and Ron is the Executive Director of FamilyLife Blended<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, which is the blended family initiative of FamilyLife. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tEarlier, we talked with them about how a 12-year-old boy, by the name of Connor, woke up with a headache. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>3:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThey started treating the headache, and the headache became a cough. The cough became pneumonia in one lung and then both lungs. Then, they had to Air Evac their son from Amarillo, Texas, all the way to Dallas Children\u2019s Hospital. They encountered the unthinkable\u2014a loss like we\u2019re talking about. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe loss that you experienced\u2014this is going to be a <em>very<\/em> difficult question\u2014can you put it into words? Can you explain to our listeners what it is like to have a surprise like you had and lose a 12-year-old son? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> I can tell you it has been over nine years since we lost him, and I\u2019m still losing; because, every day I wake up, I realize another thing that hasn\u2019t happened \/ another piece of my life that\u2019s different\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>4:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014from the types of cars we drive to the types of house that we buy or think about purchasing\u2014to how much is in our college saving fund for our other two boys, because we didn\u2019t pay for a third; to the graduations that we will not experience; to the weddings we will not experience\u2014on and on it goes. It is not a one-time put-words-on-it loss. It is everything that loss brings with it\u2014loss. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI\u2019ve tried to put this into words for people in the past. Sometimes, I\u2019ll say to parents: \u201cYou remember life before you had your first child? You remember how everything changed? Your schedule changed. Your thoughts about the day, and how you organized your life, and what really mattered to you, and what you did with your free time\u2014you know, like <em>everything<\/em> changes\u2014your sleep pattern changes; your food habits change. I mean, like it ripples into <em>every<\/em> aspect of your life. Same thing happens when you lose a child\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>5:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014It\u2019s just all in reverse. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe lost the equilibrium in our family. That\u2019s really hard, sometimes, for me to articulate. Here\u2019s a practical way\u2014when it was movie night, and we were picking movies; you know? Connor and Nan always sided together; and that somehow balanced Braden, Brennan, and me; so the fun little family conversation around what we were going to do and what we were going to watch had balance to it. All of a sudden, Connor is not there, and we don\u2019t know how to make a decision about a movie\u2014that, a <em>thousand<\/em> times a day! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Nan:<\/strong> It\u2019s like that scene in <em>The Lion King<\/em>, where he says, \u201cSimba, look at the light\u2014everything that it touches,\u201d\u2014that is grief. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> It touches everything. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Nan:<\/strong> It touches every single aspect of your life\u2014to extended family and holidays; to the future weddings, where your son\u2019s picture is on the table, but he\u2019s not there. You\u2019re not the intact family\u2014it touches <em>everything<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>6:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> It\u2019s every time somebody says, \u201cHow many kids do you have?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Nan:<\/strong> Oh, moving here; yes! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> \u2014meeting people constantly. <br><br><strong>Nan:<\/strong> \u2014changing jobs. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> You know, here is the little thing that goes on in our mind: \u201cWell, I have three children,\u201d\u2014and by the way, if I can preach for a second\u2014\u201cWhy in the world would I say, \u2018\u2026two children\u2019?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cWell, you just need to accept, Ron\u2014that your son has died.\u2019\u201d \u201cYes; but he is still alive. We, as Christians, don\u2019t we believe that? Why would I say, \u2018He\u2019s not alive\u2019? That\u2019s just the dumbest thing I\u2019ve ever heard in my life.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> You know where Connor is. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> I know where he is. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> So, if I meet you today for the first time, and I say, \u201cHow many kids do you have?\u201d\u2014what\u2019s your answer? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Nan:<\/strong> Three. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Three. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I say, \u201cTell me about them.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> We\u2019ll tell you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> How will you?\u2014I mean\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> I will say, \u201cBraden is\u2014you know, 23.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Nan:<\/strong> \u2014our oldest is.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> \u201cHe\u2019s living in Austin, Texas, and doing great. Our youngest is in college. He\u2019s a freshman in college. Our middle son, Connor, died when he was 12 years.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Nan:<\/strong> \u2014a little over 12. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> If somebody is standing there, wondering what to say, and battling being silent versus saying something and maybe making a fool of themselves, you would say, \u201cSpeak.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>7:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Speak\u2014use his name\u2014say, \u201cTell me about Connor.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Nan:<\/strong> \u2014or \u201cI am so sorry. Tell me about him.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Because the next thing they are going to say is: \u201cWell, tell me about Braden,\u201d and \u201cWhat\u2019s going on with Brennan?\u201d\u2014you\u2019ll say that about them. Why would you not say it about Connor? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I wouldn\u2019t say it because I would think: \u201cI don\u2019t want to take you back to the pain. I don\u2019t want to ask questions and take you into grief.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> I\u2019m so glad you said that, because this is where we want to educate people. You\u2019re not taking me into grief\u2014I\u2019m already in grief. You\u2019re not taking me back to pain\u2014I\u2019m already in pain. I\u2019ve had people say to me, \u201cI don\u2019t want to make you feel bad,\u201d\u2014I already feel bad! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Nan:<\/strong> You can\u2019t make this worse. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> You cannot make this worse! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Nan:<\/strong> Your silence makes this worse, but you can\u2019t make this worse. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> So, what you do is say, \u201cTell me about him.\u201d Now, I have an opportunity to talk about my son! [Emotion in voice]\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>8:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe hardest thing is having a relationship with my son and not being able to share that with other people in any form or fashion\u2014not be able to share memories, or longings, or desires, or sadness. Talking about him does bring my tears to the surface, but it doesn\u2019t add to my pain. My pain is already there. What helps me is to be able to share that pain in a reasonable way with somebody who cares about that pain. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s John 11\u2014it is Jesus, with\u2014Lazarus is dead, and Mary and Martha are suffering. He goes and <em>cries<\/em> with them, for crying out loud. You know, jump into that space, even though we have the hope of heaven, even though He is life. And He [Jesus] knew that Lazarus was about to be raised from the dead\u2014even knowing that, Jesus joins them in their sadness. That\u2019s what we, as parents, who have lost a child long for. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Nan:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I mentioned my granddaughter, Molly, who died ten years ago; and she only lived seven days. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>9:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI suppose, over the last ten years, Bob, I\u2019ve probably mentioned her a couple dozen times, here, on the broadcast. I always try to call Rebecca and Jake\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> It\u2019s a good reminder; isn\u2019t it? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> It really is\u2014and tell them, \u201cI was bragging on Molly today!\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes; oh, we love to hear that; don\u2019t we? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Nan:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> You want people to enter into your grief with you by mentioning Connor and saying, \u201cHe was a great kid; wasn\u2019t he?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Nan:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> There are some rules around this\u2014I jokingly say. Entering grief with people does not mean platitudes that somehow tries to fix their grief\u2014that is a wrong thing to do: \u201cOh, God\u2019s got Him,\u201d \u201cGod needed another angel.\u201d That\u2019s just <em>dumb<\/em>, and all it does is step on my sadness, as if to say, \u201cWell, if you really were faithful, you wouldn\u2019t be feeling all of this.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>10:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat\u2019s another before and after for me\u2014another <em>before <\/em>Connor died, I thought faith was somehow the antidote to pain, which was silly. I look back at it, and I go: \u201cWhy did I think that? That\u2019s just dumb.\u201d Faith is <em>not<\/em> the antidote to pain\u2014it <em>informs<\/em> my pain; it <em>coaches<\/em> my pain; it <em>softens<\/em> my pain\u2014but it doesn\u2019t take away my pain. All you\u2019ve got to read Job, and Psalm 77, and Psalm 88\u2014and it\u2019s all throughout Scripture\u2014you see pain and faith, side by side. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen, I like to talk about the two rails. Our life now\u2014we\u2019re on a train\u2014and the train rides on two rails, like trains do. One rail of those is \u201cGod is good,\u201d and the other rail is \u201cSo, why didn\u2019t He show up? Why did He step back and let Connor die?\u201d The left rail is: \u201cI will see Connor again, and it\u2019s going to be a glorious day; and he gets to introduce me to Jesus.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>11:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe right rail is [Emotion in voice]: \u201cBut I miss him <em>today<\/em>,\u201d\u2014like: \u201cThat will be a great day, but today is a <em>sad<\/em> day.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> The left rail is: \u201cGod\u2019s got a bigger plan, and I know He\u2019s working something,\u201d and \u201cI, like Job, will never know what\u2019s going on in the background. I won\u2019t understand why Connor had to die, but it\u2019s okay because God\u2019s got this.\u201d That right rail is: \u201cYes; but it\u2019s a lot of pain, in the meantime, to have to walk out for what purpose I don\u2019t know\u2014that\u2019s difficult.\u201d See, those two things are side by side every stinking day of my life. I can\u2019t avoid them. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen somebody comes up and throws me a Christian platitude\u2014that says: \u201cHey, forget about your pain rail. There should only be a faith rail,\u201d\u2014that\u2019s not my world. That\u2019s not where I exist; that\u2019s not where I live; therefore, I now feel isolated from you. I can\u2019t trust you with the sacredness of my sadness, and I\u2019m just pulling back from you right now. You\u2019re no longer my friend. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>12:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> There is a verse I want to caution people about using unless they know God wants them to speak it. It is Romans 8:28\u2014it says, \u201cAnd we know that for those who love God all things work together for good for those who are called according to His purpose.\u201d If you quote that verse to somebody, you better make sure the God of the universe has prompted you in the Holy Spirit. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Yes; that\u2019s right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> In fact, if you feel the prompting, double check\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014just say, \u201cAre You sure, Lord?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u201cAre You sure, Lord?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u201cAre You sure?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Because this verse\u2014it can become a platitude\u2014to your point, Ron. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> It\u2019s all about timing; because if you say it in the <em>midst<\/em> of the really, really hard, that just feels like you\u2019re getting grapes stomped on. If somebody shares that verse out of a heart that cares and just wants to support and come alongside somebody\u2014I get that; that\u2019s fine. That\u2019s distinguishable to those of us who are grieving; but somebody who shares it, as if to say: \u201cSo, get happy again, Ron. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>13:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cGet over this stuff. Recover!\u201d\u2014look, there is no recovery. I believe that. There may be recovery from lots of types of losses in life. I don\u2019t think there is recovery over losing a child. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Now, there are going to be listeners, who move next to the radio and go, \u201cWhat did he just say?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes, I\u2019m serious about it. You don\u2019t recover. You are now a different person. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Nan: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> There may not be the same wound there, 20 years later; but there will be a scar. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> That\u2019s right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Nan:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> And the intensity can come back quickly. It recalibrates\u2014that is our word\u2014it recalibrates who you are. I\u2019m recalibrated in my\u2014still, nine years later\u2014in my sleep schedules, my outlook about life, how I think about things, the decisions I make, how I spend my money\u2014I\u2019ve been recalibrated in a <em>hundred<\/em> different ways. I am <em>not<\/em> the same person. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJust to illustrate this point\u2014maybe, my wife should tell the story\u2014but she had a very, very dear friend come to her, 18 months after Connor died, and basically said to her, \u201cI want the old Nan back.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>14:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Nan:<\/strong> I said: \u201cI buried her that day. I don\u2019t know where she is! This is the new Nan.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> We lost that relationship. We lost <em>tons<\/em> of relationships\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Nan:<\/strong> We did.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> \u2014with friends, who didn\u2019t know how to sit with us in our grief, who didn\u2019t know how to join us or accept the new us-es. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> We\u2019ve talked about the Book of Job\u2014several times, we\u2019ve referenced it. Job\u2019s friends, in that book\u2014it\u2019s pretty common\u2014they were doing great when they sat with him\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> \u2014in silence. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014and\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> \u2014then, they started speaking. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Exactly. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Nan:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I\u2019m sorry for laughing, but you said it; I didn\u2019t. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> It\u2019s true! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> So, for those of us, who would come and sit in silence, but there comes a point, where you do have to say something: \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>15:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cI\u2019m sorry for your loss,\u201d is\u2014we\u2019ve learned that\u2014\u201cTell me more about Connor,\u201d\u2014what else? If we are going to enter into conversation about this \/ if I want to communicate to you: \u201cI see your pain. I don\u2019t want to minimize your pain. I want to be a friend to you in your pain,\u201d\u2014apart from \u201cI\u2019m sorry for your loss,\u201d and \u201cTell me about Connor,\u201d\u2014what else? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Sharing memories: \u201cI was thinking about Connor the other day,\u201d and \u201cDo you remember that one time when da\u2026da\u2026da\u2026da?\u201d It may be a happy, funny story; and yes, share that stuff with us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNan got a text one day, on what would have been Connor\u2019s 18<sup>th<\/sup> birthday, from a very dear friend, who was just connecting with her around, \u201cThis is a very sad day.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u201cI know what day this is,\u201d\u2014yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> \u201cI know what day this is.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Nan:<\/strong> Yes; I would say the first two years are just indescribable. The first year is just indescribable, because you are doing all the firsts without them. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>16:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Nan:<\/strong> You don\u2019t know what that looks like. You\u2019re just being thrown into the waves\u2014thrown into the waves \/ thrown into the waves\u2014with each one of them\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes; school starting. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Nan:<\/strong> \u2014their birthday, Mother\u2019s Day, Father\u2019s Day\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014Thanksgiving; yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Nan:<\/strong> \u2014another child\u2019s birthday. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> In fact, the first Christmas had to just be almost excruciating; didn\u2019t it? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Nan:<\/strong> It was; it was. If we hadn\u2019t had family that came alongside us to do Christmas for our other two boys, I think we would have just called it off. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Nan:<\/strong> It was really hard. Then, you get through all of those, and you take a breath. Then, you get slapped with the reality of: \u201cYou have to do this all over again.\u201d <br>\u00a0\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Year number two. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Nan:<\/strong> That\u2019s why I think the first two years are <em>so hard<\/em>. I am here to tell you\u2014people give you six to eight weeks, and they are done. You\u2019ve got to do two years of really hard\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>17:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014four years of recalibrating and repositioning. It is <em>exhausting<\/em>. I\u2019m telling you\u2014it is the hardest work you\u2019ll ever do. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Here is another tip, Bob. When you greet somebody, who is grieving the loss of a child, say, \u201cIt\u2019s good to see you.\u201d Don\u2019t say, \u201cHow are you?\u201d\u2014you know the answer to that. They\u2019ve lost their joy; they can\u2019t smile. I didn\u2019t see my wife smile for a year; she didn\u2019t belly laugh for two years. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe didn\u2019t know how to take communion on Sundays; because it was such a difficult, tear-us-apart day. It used to be such a celebration that our family had this ritual\u2014we took it together. We didn\u2019t know what to <em>do<\/em> anymore\u2014like some of us were ready to do that, and some of us weren\u2019t. So, we just\u2014it didn\u2019t happen. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cIt\u2019s good to see you,\u201d was a statement of: \u201cI realize you are in a hard place,\u201d and \u201cI\u2019m your friend, and I\u2019m here.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Nan:<\/strong> I had a couple friends, who would say to me, \u201cHow are you <em>really<\/em>?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>18:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBecause a \u201cHow are you?\u201d\u2014you\u2019re left with, \u201cYou know how I am!\u201d\u2014or you don\u2019t want to say, \u201cWell, I\u2019m great!\u201d because you just buried your child; but when they really said, \u201cHow are you <em>really<\/em>?\u201d\u2014that was an invitation to say: \u201cYou know what? Today is a pretty good day,\u201d or \u201cI am really struggling.\u201d Those were the people that I really clung to; because I felt like they got a little bit of what I was going through or could, at least, relate to me. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Just one quick story about our boys\u2014our other two boys. I think there is actually a phrase used about siblings when a child dies: \u201cThey are the forgotten mourners.\u201d It\u2019s true. After a few months, most people stopped asking us, \u201cHow are you doing?\u201d and stopped coming around, and bringing food, and what not; but a few people stayed. Some other people rose to the occasion and were with us. Today, they are still very, very, very dear friends. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>19:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat happens for the parents, but it really doesn\u2019t happen for the children. My oldest son finished out his high school career at a Christian school and not one time in those remaining years did somebody on faculty or staff bring up his brother\u2019s death\u2014not once\u2014among the people you would assume would do that; right? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOur youngest son, one day\u2014probably three or four years after Connor had died\u2014came up to us, one day, and said, \u201cYes; Marsha\u201d\u2014one of Nan\u2019s dear friends. She and her husband became very dear to us. They\u2019ve been to Africa with us regarding our son\u2019s legacy. He [Brennan] said: \u201cYes; Marsha gets it.\u201d We said, \u201cWhat do you mean?\u201d \u201cShe doesn\u2019t say to me, \u2018How are you?\u2019 She says, \u2018Hey, dude, what\u2019s up?\u2019\u201d He said, \u201cThat\u2019s her way of saying, \u2018I know you\u2019re not doing well, and you miss your brother; but I love you, and I\u2019m here.\u2019\u201d Just little things like that, to a sibling, go an awful long way. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Here\u2019s what I think the listener needs to know about approaching a couple, who have gone through a loss like this\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>20:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014or, for that matter, a single person. People handle loss differently. They process it, as male and female, differently. As a couple, they face it differently than how you might process it with your spouse. You have to give them room; you have to give them grace. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> You have to be patient, and you can\u2019t step back and be a religious Pharisee, with your arms folded, going: \u201cSnap out of it! Would you just get the joy back? Move on! Life\u2019s in front of you.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWell, as you have delicately done, in an honorable way of Connor, you have reminded us that human life does matter. When there has been the loss of a parent\u2019s heart \/ piece of your heart gone\u2014he\u2019s in heaven\u2014it helps us know how to better help our friends. Thanks. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>21:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes; I know one of the resources that helped you and Barbara after the loss of your granddaughter, Molly, is the book,<em> A Grace Disguised<\/em>, by Jerry Sittser. This is a book that helps us understand how to process grief and loss and how to see God in the midst of it. Jerry takes us on his journey through grief after his wife, and his mother, and a child were all killed in a car accident. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt may be that, as a listener, this is not something you are experiencing right now; but you may know somebody who is in a season of grief \/ who has been through a loss like this. You may want to get them a copy of Jerry Sittser\u2019s book, <em>A Grace Disguised<\/em>. We have it in our <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> Resource Center. You can order it from us, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com; or you can call to order: 1-800-FL-TODAY is the number\u20141-800-358-6329\u2014ask about the book, <em>A Grace Disguised<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>22:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAgain, it is available, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, the reality is that loss and pain and grief are a part of life. This side of heaven, we experience these kinds of things; and we also experience God\u2019s grace in the midst of those things. At FamilyLife, one of our goals is to help equip families to be able to be ready for these unexpected seasons of grief by making sure that their marriages and families are founded on a solid foundation\u2014that they are built on the Rock\u2014so that when the rains come and the storms blow, your house stands. We want to effectively develop godly marriages and families; because we believe godly marriages and families can change the world, one home at a time. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis ministry is made possible because people, like you, who listen to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> and who believe in this mission\u2014they say: \u201cI want to help. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>23:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cI want to extend the reach of the ministry. I want more people to be helped by the practical biblical wisdom that is available,\u201d\u2014through the radio program, available online; in the resources we create; the events we host. Whether you are a regular Legacy Partner or an occasional supporter of this ministry, we just want to say, \u201cThank you for partnering with us to extend the reach of the ministry.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you can make a donation today, we\u2019d love to say, \u201cThank you,\u201d by sending you a copy of Dennis Rainey\u2019s book, <em>Choosing a Life That Matters<\/em>. It\u2019s a <em>great<\/em> book, whether you are new to the faith or you have walked with Jesus for years. This is a book that reminds us all of the foundational issues of life and how we build on that Rock so that we are ready to stand in the midst of trials. You can request your copy of the book, <em>Choosing a Life That Matters<\/em>, when you make a donation today, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com or when you call to donate\u20141-800-FL-TODAY is the number. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>24:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOr you can mail your donation to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> at PO Box 7111, Little Rock, AR; our zip code is 72223.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, tomorrow, we are going to hear about how Connor Deal\u2019s legacy continues to live on and how it is affecting children in an unlikely place. I hope you can tune in for that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\tHelp for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2018 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>"],"_seopress_titles_title":[""],"_seopress_titles_desc":[""],"_seopress_robots_index":[""],"duration":["00:28:01"],"show_notes":[""],"_thumbnail_id":["294104"],"filesize":["25.65M"],"filesize_raw":["26891688"],"_uag_css_file_name":["uag-css-300303.css"],"_uag_js_file_name":["uag-js-300303.js"],"_uag_page_assets":["a:9:{s:3:\"css\";s:82560:\".wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-top svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-top .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: rgba(51,51,51,1);}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-bottom svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-bottom 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and Nan Deal share how losing their middle son, Connor, in 2009 at the age of 12 still has them reeling. The Deals share what has helped them, and hurt them, as they've grieved the loss of their son.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2018-07-19.pdf","transcript_content":"<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> When Job received the news that his children were dead, Job responded by saying: \u201cThe Lord gives, and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.\u201d Ron Deal says, \u201cWhile that\u2019s true, when you face the loss of a child, your world still changes dramatically.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Sometimes, I\u2019ll say to parents: \u201cYou remember life before you had your first child? You remember how everything changed? Your schedule changed. Your thoughts about the day, and how you organized your life, and what really mattered to you, and what you did with your free time\u2014you know, like <em>everything<\/em> changes\u2014your sleep pattern changes; your food habits change. I mean, like it ripples into <em>every<\/em> aspect of your life. Same thing happens when you lose a child\u2014it\u2019s just all in reverse. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Thursday, July 19<sup>th<\/sup>. Our host is Dennis Rainey, and I\u2019m Bob Lepine. Every breath \/ the gift of life itself is a gift from God. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>1:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe have to recognize it\u2019s a gift over which He is sovereign. We\u2019ll hear more about that today from Ron and Nan Deal. Stay with us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. I\u2019ve often wondered, in my own mind, whether it would be easier or harder to have a loved one die from a prolonged illness, where you go down that long path with them and you\u2019re experiencing the journey for weeks or months, or whether the immediate loss of someone\u2014I\u2019ve wondered which is emotionally harder\u2014to walk the long path or to get a phone call one day and find out that a loved one is gone. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> You remember, Bob, that we interviewed Jerry Sitsser, here on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, author of <em>A Grace Disguised<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>2:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBasically, if he was here, he would say that loss is just that\u2014you can\u2019t compare losses. You just have to look at it and go: \u201cHer loss\/his loss is not greater than mine,\u201d \/ \u201cMine is not greater that his.\u201d There\u2019s been something that you value that you have truly lost. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe have with us a couple who we work with, here, at FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>\u2014Ron and Nan Deal, who have a story that they are continuing to tell about a loss they experienced. Ron\/Nan, welcome back. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Thank you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Nan:<\/strong> Thank you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Ron and Nan have been married since 1986. They have three sons, and Ron is the Executive Director of FamilyLife Blended<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, which is the blended family initiative of FamilyLife. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tEarlier, we talked with them about how a 12-year-old boy, by the name of Connor, woke up with a headache. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>3:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThey started treating the headache, and the headache became a cough. The cough became pneumonia in one lung and then both lungs. Then, they had to Air Evac their son from Amarillo, Texas, all the way to Dallas Children\u2019s Hospital. They encountered the unthinkable\u2014a loss like we\u2019re talking about. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe loss that you experienced\u2014this is going to be a <em>very<\/em> difficult question\u2014can you put it into words? Can you explain to our listeners what it is like to have a surprise like you had and lose a 12-year-old son? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> I can tell you it has been over nine years since we lost him, and I\u2019m still losing; because, every day I wake up, I realize another thing that hasn\u2019t happened \/ another piece of my life that\u2019s different\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>4:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014from the types of cars we drive to the types of house that we buy or think about purchasing\u2014to how much is in our college saving fund for our other two boys, because we didn\u2019t pay for a third; to the graduations that we will not experience; to the weddings we will not experience\u2014on and on it goes. It is not a one-time put-words-on-it loss. It is everything that loss brings with it\u2014loss. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI\u2019ve tried to put this into words for people in the past. Sometimes, I\u2019ll say to parents: \u201cYou remember life before you had your first child? You remember how everything changed? Your schedule changed. Your thoughts about the day, and how you organized your life, and what really mattered to you, and what you did with your free time\u2014you know, like <em>everything<\/em> changes\u2014your sleep pattern changes; your food habits change. I mean, like it ripples into <em>every<\/em> aspect of your life. Same thing happens when you lose a child\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>5:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014It\u2019s just all in reverse. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe lost the equilibrium in our family. That\u2019s really hard, sometimes, for me to articulate. Here\u2019s a practical way\u2014when it was movie night, and we were picking movies; you know? Connor and Nan always sided together; and that somehow balanced Braden, Brennan, and me; so the fun little family conversation around what we were going to do and what we were going to watch had balance to it. All of a sudden, Connor is not there, and we don\u2019t know how to make a decision about a movie\u2014that, a <em>thousand<\/em> times a day! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Nan:<\/strong> It\u2019s like that scene in <em>The Lion King<\/em>, where he says, \u201cSimba, look at the light\u2014everything that it touches,\u201d\u2014that is grief. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> It touches everything. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Nan:<\/strong> It touches every single aspect of your life\u2014to extended family and holidays; to the future weddings, where your son\u2019s picture is on the table, but he\u2019s not there. You\u2019re not the intact family\u2014it touches <em>everything<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>6:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> It\u2019s every time somebody says, \u201cHow many kids do you have?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Nan:<\/strong> Oh, moving here; yes! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> \u2014meeting people constantly. <br><br><strong>Nan:<\/strong> \u2014changing jobs. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> You know, here is the little thing that goes on in our mind: \u201cWell, I have three children,\u201d\u2014and by the way, if I can preach for a second\u2014\u201cWhy in the world would I say, \u2018\u2026two children\u2019?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cWell, you just need to accept, Ron\u2014that your son has died.\u2019\u201d \u201cYes; but he is still alive. We, as Christians, don\u2019t we believe that? Why would I say, \u2018He\u2019s not alive\u2019? That\u2019s just the dumbest thing I\u2019ve ever heard in my life.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> You know where Connor is. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> I know where he is. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> So, if I meet you today for the first time, and I say, \u201cHow many kids do you have?\u201d\u2014what\u2019s your answer? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Nan:<\/strong> Three. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Three. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I say, \u201cTell me about them.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> We\u2019ll tell you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> How will you?\u2014I mean\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> I will say, \u201cBraden is\u2014you know, 23.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Nan:<\/strong> \u2014our oldest is.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> \u201cHe\u2019s living in Austin, Texas, and doing great. Our youngest is in college. He\u2019s a freshman in college. Our middle son, Connor, died when he was 12 years.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Nan:<\/strong> \u2014a little over 12. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> If somebody is standing there, wondering what to say, and battling being silent versus saying something and maybe making a fool of themselves, you would say, \u201cSpeak.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>7:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Speak\u2014use his name\u2014say, \u201cTell me about Connor.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Nan:<\/strong> \u2014or \u201cI am so sorry. Tell me about him.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Because the next thing they are going to say is: \u201cWell, tell me about Braden,\u201d and \u201cWhat\u2019s going on with Brennan?\u201d\u2014you\u2019ll say that about them. Why would you not say it about Connor? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I wouldn\u2019t say it because I would think: \u201cI don\u2019t want to take you back to the pain. I don\u2019t want to ask questions and take you into grief.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> I\u2019m so glad you said that, because this is where we want to educate people. You\u2019re not taking me into grief\u2014I\u2019m already in grief. You\u2019re not taking me back to pain\u2014I\u2019m already in pain. I\u2019ve had people say to me, \u201cI don\u2019t want to make you feel bad,\u201d\u2014I already feel bad! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Nan:<\/strong> You can\u2019t make this worse. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> You cannot make this worse! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Nan:<\/strong> Your silence makes this worse, but you can\u2019t make this worse. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> So, what you do is say, \u201cTell me about him.\u201d Now, I have an opportunity to talk about my son! [Emotion in voice]\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>8:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe hardest thing is having a relationship with my son and not being able to share that with other people in any form or fashion\u2014not be able to share memories, or longings, or desires, or sadness. Talking about him does bring my tears to the surface, but it doesn\u2019t add to my pain. My pain is already there. What helps me is to be able to share that pain in a reasonable way with somebody who cares about that pain. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s John 11\u2014it is Jesus, with\u2014Lazarus is dead, and Mary and Martha are suffering. He goes and <em>cries<\/em> with them, for crying out loud. You know, jump into that space, even though we have the hope of heaven, even though He is life. And He [Jesus] knew that Lazarus was about to be raised from the dead\u2014even knowing that, Jesus joins them in their sadness. That\u2019s what we, as parents, who have lost a child long for. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Nan:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I mentioned my granddaughter, Molly, who died ten years ago; and she only lived seven days. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>9:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI suppose, over the last ten years, Bob, I\u2019ve probably mentioned her a couple dozen times, here, on the broadcast. I always try to call Rebecca and Jake\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> It\u2019s a good reminder; isn\u2019t it? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> It really is\u2014and tell them, \u201cI was bragging on Molly today!\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes; oh, we love to hear that; don\u2019t we? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Nan:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> You want people to enter into your grief with you by mentioning Connor and saying, \u201cHe was a great kid; wasn\u2019t he?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Nan:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> There are some rules around this\u2014I jokingly say. Entering grief with people does not mean platitudes that somehow tries to fix their grief\u2014that is a wrong thing to do: \u201cOh, God\u2019s got Him,\u201d \u201cGod needed another angel.\u201d That\u2019s just <em>dumb<\/em>, and all it does is step on my sadness, as if to say, \u201cWell, if you really were faithful, you wouldn\u2019t be feeling all of this.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>10:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat\u2019s another before and after for me\u2014another <em>before <\/em>Connor died, I thought faith was somehow the antidote to pain, which was silly. I look back at it, and I go: \u201cWhy did I think that? That\u2019s just dumb.\u201d Faith is <em>not<\/em> the antidote to pain\u2014it <em>informs<\/em> my pain; it <em>coaches<\/em> my pain; it <em>softens<\/em> my pain\u2014but it doesn\u2019t take away my pain. All you\u2019ve got to read Job, and Psalm 77, and Psalm 88\u2014and it\u2019s all throughout Scripture\u2014you see pain and faith, side by side. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen, I like to talk about the two rails. Our life now\u2014we\u2019re on a train\u2014and the train rides on two rails, like trains do. One rail of those is \u201cGod is good,\u201d and the other rail is \u201cSo, why didn\u2019t He show up? Why did He step back and let Connor die?\u201d The left rail is: \u201cI will see Connor again, and it\u2019s going to be a glorious day; and he gets to introduce me to Jesus.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>11:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe right rail is [Emotion in voice]: \u201cBut I miss him <em>today<\/em>,\u201d\u2014like: \u201cThat will be a great day, but today is a <em>sad<\/em> day.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> The left rail is: \u201cGod\u2019s got a bigger plan, and I know He\u2019s working something,\u201d and \u201cI, like Job, will never know what\u2019s going on in the background. I won\u2019t understand why Connor had to die, but it\u2019s okay because God\u2019s got this.\u201d That right rail is: \u201cYes; but it\u2019s a lot of pain, in the meantime, to have to walk out for what purpose I don\u2019t know\u2014that\u2019s difficult.\u201d See, those two things are side by side every stinking day of my life. I can\u2019t avoid them. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen somebody comes up and throws me a Christian platitude\u2014that says: \u201cHey, forget about your pain rail. There should only be a faith rail,\u201d\u2014that\u2019s not my world. That\u2019s not where I exist; that\u2019s not where I live; therefore, I now feel isolated from you. I can\u2019t trust you with the sacredness of my sadness, and I\u2019m just pulling back from you right now. You\u2019re no longer my friend. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>12:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> There is a verse I want to caution people about using unless they know God wants them to speak it. It is Romans 8:28\u2014it says, \u201cAnd we know that for those who love God all things work together for good for those who are called according to His purpose.\u201d If you quote that verse to somebody, you better make sure the God of the universe has prompted you in the Holy Spirit. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Yes; that\u2019s right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> In fact, if you feel the prompting, double check\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014just say, \u201cAre You sure, Lord?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u201cAre You sure, Lord?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u201cAre You sure?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Because this verse\u2014it can become a platitude\u2014to your point, Ron. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> It\u2019s all about timing; because if you say it in the <em>midst<\/em> of the really, really hard, that just feels like you\u2019re getting grapes stomped on. If somebody shares that verse out of a heart that cares and just wants to support and come alongside somebody\u2014I get that; that\u2019s fine. That\u2019s distinguishable to those of us who are grieving; but somebody who shares it, as if to say: \u201cSo, get happy again, Ron. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>13:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cGet over this stuff. Recover!\u201d\u2014look, there is no recovery. I believe that. There may be recovery from lots of types of losses in life. I don\u2019t think there is recovery over losing a child. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Now, there are going to be listeners, who move next to the radio and go, \u201cWhat did he just say?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes, I\u2019m serious about it. You don\u2019t recover. You are now a different person. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Nan: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> There may not be the same wound there, 20 years later; but there will be a scar. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> That\u2019s right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Nan:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> And the intensity can come back quickly. It recalibrates\u2014that is our word\u2014it recalibrates who you are. I\u2019m recalibrated in my\u2014still, nine years later\u2014in my sleep schedules, my outlook about life, how I think about things, the decisions I make, how I spend my money\u2014I\u2019ve been recalibrated in a <em>hundred<\/em> different ways. I am <em>not<\/em> the same person. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJust to illustrate this point\u2014maybe, my wife should tell the story\u2014but she had a very, very dear friend come to her, 18 months after Connor died, and basically said to her, \u201cI want the old Nan back.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>14:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Nan:<\/strong> I said: \u201cI buried her that day. I don\u2019t know where she is! This is the new Nan.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> We lost that relationship. We lost <em>tons<\/em> of relationships\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Nan:<\/strong> We did.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> \u2014with friends, who didn\u2019t know how to sit with us in our grief, who didn\u2019t know how to join us or accept the new us-es. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> We\u2019ve talked about the Book of Job\u2014several times, we\u2019ve referenced it. Job\u2019s friends, in that book\u2014it\u2019s pretty common\u2014they were doing great when they sat with him\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> \u2014in silence. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014and\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> \u2014then, they started speaking. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Exactly. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Nan:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I\u2019m sorry for laughing, but you said it; I didn\u2019t. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> It\u2019s true! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> So, for those of us, who would come and sit in silence, but there comes a point, where you do have to say something: \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>15:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cI\u2019m sorry for your loss,\u201d is\u2014we\u2019ve learned that\u2014\u201cTell me more about Connor,\u201d\u2014what else? If we are going to enter into conversation about this \/ if I want to communicate to you: \u201cI see your pain. I don\u2019t want to minimize your pain. I want to be a friend to you in your pain,\u201d\u2014apart from \u201cI\u2019m sorry for your loss,\u201d and \u201cTell me about Connor,\u201d\u2014what else? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Sharing memories: \u201cI was thinking about Connor the other day,\u201d and \u201cDo you remember that one time when da\u2026da\u2026da\u2026da?\u201d It may be a happy, funny story; and yes, share that stuff with us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNan got a text one day, on what would have been Connor\u2019s 18<sup>th<\/sup> birthday, from a very dear friend, who was just connecting with her around, \u201cThis is a very sad day.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u201cI know what day this is,\u201d\u2014yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> \u201cI know what day this is.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Nan:<\/strong> Yes; I would say the first two years are just indescribable. The first year is just indescribable, because you are doing all the firsts without them. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>16:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Nan:<\/strong> You don\u2019t know what that looks like. You\u2019re just being thrown into the waves\u2014thrown into the waves \/ thrown into the waves\u2014with each one of them\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes; school starting. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Nan:<\/strong> \u2014their birthday, Mother\u2019s Day, Father\u2019s Day\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014Thanksgiving; yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Nan:<\/strong> \u2014another child\u2019s birthday. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> In fact, the first Christmas had to just be almost excruciating; didn\u2019t it? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Nan:<\/strong> It was; it was. If we hadn\u2019t had family that came alongside us to do Christmas for our other two boys, I think we would have just called it off. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Nan:<\/strong> It was really hard. Then, you get through all of those, and you take a breath. Then, you get slapped with the reality of: \u201cYou have to do this all over again.\u201d <br>\u00a0\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Year number two. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Nan:<\/strong> That\u2019s why I think the first two years are <em>so hard<\/em>. I am here to tell you\u2014people give you six to eight weeks, and they are done. You\u2019ve got to do two years of really hard\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>17:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014four years of recalibrating and repositioning. It is <em>exhausting<\/em>. I\u2019m telling you\u2014it is the hardest work you\u2019ll ever do. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Here is another tip, Bob. When you greet somebody, who is grieving the loss of a child, say, \u201cIt\u2019s good to see you.\u201d Don\u2019t say, \u201cHow are you?\u201d\u2014you know the answer to that. They\u2019ve lost their joy; they can\u2019t smile. I didn\u2019t see my wife smile for a year; she didn\u2019t belly laugh for two years. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe didn\u2019t know how to take communion on Sundays; because it was such a difficult, tear-us-apart day. It used to be such a celebration that our family had this ritual\u2014we took it together. We didn\u2019t know what to <em>do<\/em> anymore\u2014like some of us were ready to do that, and some of us weren\u2019t. So, we just\u2014it didn\u2019t happen. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cIt\u2019s good to see you,\u201d was a statement of: \u201cI realize you are in a hard place,\u201d and \u201cI\u2019m your friend, and I\u2019m here.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Nan:<\/strong> I had a couple friends, who would say to me, \u201cHow are you <em>really<\/em>?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>18:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBecause a \u201cHow are you?\u201d\u2014you\u2019re left with, \u201cYou know how I am!\u201d\u2014or you don\u2019t want to say, \u201cWell, I\u2019m great!\u201d because you just buried your child; but when they really said, \u201cHow are you <em>really<\/em>?\u201d\u2014that was an invitation to say: \u201cYou know what? Today is a pretty good day,\u201d or \u201cI am really struggling.\u201d Those were the people that I really clung to; because I felt like they got a little bit of what I was going through or could, at least, relate to me. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Just one quick story about our boys\u2014our other two boys. I think there is actually a phrase used about siblings when a child dies: \u201cThey are the forgotten mourners.\u201d It\u2019s true. After a few months, most people stopped asking us, \u201cHow are you doing?\u201d and stopped coming around, and bringing food, and what not; but a few people stayed. Some other people rose to the occasion and were with us. Today, they are still very, very, very dear friends. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>19:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat happens for the parents, but it really doesn\u2019t happen for the children. My oldest son finished out his high school career at a Christian school and not one time in those remaining years did somebody on faculty or staff bring up his brother\u2019s death\u2014not once\u2014among the people you would assume would do that; right? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOur youngest son, one day\u2014probably three or four years after Connor had died\u2014came up to us, one day, and said, \u201cYes; Marsha\u201d\u2014one of Nan\u2019s dear friends. She and her husband became very dear to us. They\u2019ve been to Africa with us regarding our son\u2019s legacy. He [Brennan] said: \u201cYes; Marsha gets it.\u201d We said, \u201cWhat do you mean?\u201d \u201cShe doesn\u2019t say to me, \u2018How are you?\u2019 She says, \u2018Hey, dude, what\u2019s up?\u2019\u201d He said, \u201cThat\u2019s her way of saying, \u2018I know you\u2019re not doing well, and you miss your brother; but I love you, and I\u2019m here.\u2019\u201d Just little things like that, to a sibling, go an awful long way. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Here\u2019s what I think the listener needs to know about approaching a couple, who have gone through a loss like this\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>20:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014or, for that matter, a single person. People handle loss differently. They process it, as male and female, differently. As a couple, they face it differently than how you might process it with your spouse. You have to give them room; you have to give them grace. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> You have to be patient, and you can\u2019t step back and be a religious Pharisee, with your arms folded, going: \u201cSnap out of it! Would you just get the joy back? Move on! Life\u2019s in front of you.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWell, as you have delicately done, in an honorable way of Connor, you have reminded us that human life does matter. When there has been the loss of a parent\u2019s heart \/ piece of your heart gone\u2014he\u2019s in heaven\u2014it helps us know how to better help our friends. Thanks. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>21:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes; I know one of the resources that helped you and Barbara after the loss of your granddaughter, Molly, is the book,<em> A Grace Disguised<\/em>, by Jerry Sittser. This is a book that helps us understand how to process grief and loss and how to see God in the midst of it. Jerry takes us on his journey through grief after his wife, and his mother, and a child were all killed in a car accident. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt may be that, as a listener, this is not something you are experiencing right now; but you may know somebody who is in a season of grief \/ who has been through a loss like this. You may want to get them a copy of Jerry Sittser\u2019s book, <em>A Grace Disguised<\/em>. We have it in our <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> Resource Center. You can order it from us, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com; or you can call to order: 1-800-FL-TODAY is the number\u20141-800-358-6329\u2014ask about the book, <em>A Grace Disguised<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>22:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAgain, it is available, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, the reality is that loss and pain and grief are a part of life. This side of heaven, we experience these kinds of things; and we also experience God\u2019s grace in the midst of those things. At FamilyLife, one of our goals is to help equip families to be able to be ready for these unexpected seasons of grief by making sure that their marriages and families are founded on a solid foundation\u2014that they are built on the Rock\u2014so that when the rains come and the storms blow, your house stands. We want to effectively develop godly marriages and families; because we believe godly marriages and families can change the world, one home at a time. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis ministry is made possible because people, like you, who listen to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> and who believe in this mission\u2014they say: \u201cI want to help. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>23:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cI want to extend the reach of the ministry. I want more people to be helped by the practical biblical wisdom that is available,\u201d\u2014through the radio program, available online; in the resources we create; the events we host. Whether you are a regular Legacy Partner or an occasional supporter of this ministry, we just want to say, \u201cThank you for partnering with us to extend the reach of the ministry.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you can make a donation today, we\u2019d love to say, \u201cThank you,\u201d by sending you a copy of Dennis Rainey\u2019s book, <em>Choosing a Life That Matters<\/em>. It\u2019s a <em>great<\/em> book, whether you are new to the faith or you have walked with Jesus for years. This is a book that reminds us all of the foundational issues of life and how we build on that Rock so that we are ready to stand in the midst of trials. You can request your copy of the book, <em>Choosing a Life That Matters<\/em>, when you make a donation today, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com or when you call to donate\u20141-800-FL-TODAY is the number. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>24:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOr you can mail your donation to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> at PO Box 7111, Little Rock, AR; our zip code is 72223.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, tomorrow, we are going to hear about how Connor Deal\u2019s legacy continues to live on and how it is affecting children in an unlikely place. I hope you can tune in for that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\tHelp for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2018 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>","theme_header_position":"","post_header_is_sticky":"","is_header_overlay":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast\/300303","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/podcast"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/91"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=300303"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/294104"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=300303"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=300303"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=300303"},{"taxonomy":"podcast_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast_series?post=300303"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=300303"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=300303"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}