{"id":300285,"date":"2018-06-28T11:00:00","date_gmt":"2018-06-28T15:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/learning-to-love-in-a-stepfamily\/"},"modified":"2024-10-07T22:41:28","modified_gmt":"2024-10-08T02:41:28","slug":"learning-to-love-in-a-stepfamily","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/learning-to-love-in-a-stepfamily\/","title":{"rendered":"Learning to Love in a Stepfamily"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Ron Deal joins Robbie and Sabrina McDonald to talk about their blended family three years after saying &#8220;I Do.&#8221;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2018-06-28.mp3","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:26:05","filesize":"23.88M","filesize_raw":"25041079","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2882,10371,2894],"tags":[2585,2343,4436,2732,4188,4282],"podcast_series":[7226],"cwp_profile":[8839,3300],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-300285","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-developing-a-relationship-with-stepchildren","category-parenting-and-stepparenting","category-stepfamily-living","tag-blended-family","tag-grief","tag-how-to-move-on","tag-remarriage","tag-stepfamily","tag-widow","podcast_series-a-blended-family-checks-in","cwp_profile-robbie-and-sabrina-mcdonald","cwp_profile-ron-deal","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/300285\/learning-to-love-in-a-stepfamily","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/300285\/learning-to-love-in-a-stepfamily","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"Zxe6COFFdK\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/learning-to-love-in-a-stepfamily\/\">Learning to Love in a Stepfamily<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/learning-to-love-in-a-stepfamily\/embed\/#?secret=Zxe6COFFdK\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Learning to Love in a Stepfamily&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"Zxe6COFFdK\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2018-06-28.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2018-06-28.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<strong>Bob: <\/strong>The delicate dance between a stepparent and a stepson or stepdaughter is one that is perfected over time with a lot of attention to how the kids are feeling. That\u2019s what Sabrina McDonald has experienced as her husband, Robbie, has been learning how to deal with her son, Benjamin.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sabrina:<\/strong> <a id=\"_Hlk516778585\">Benjamin\u2019s really sensitive. He\u2019s one of these kids that just\u2014he\u2019s got his sensors out all the time, so he\u2019s listening to every little word Robbie says. If it has any tone of disapproval in it, whatsoever, he\u2019s disturbed. Robbie has gotten to where he knows that\u2019s going to happen; and he\u2019ll say: \u201cI\u2019m not upset with you. I love you. I just want you to know such-and-such and such-and-such.\u201d He\u2019s recognized that pattern on his own and trying to figure out that balance of \u201cHow do I be a disciplinarian but also let him know that I still love him?\u201d That requires a lot of communication.<\/a>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>1:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Thursday, June 28<sup>th<\/sup>. Our host is Dennis Rainey, and I'm Bob Lepine. How can parents in a blended family help one another learn to better relate to their non-biological children? We\u2019re going to explore that and more today. Stay with us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us on the Thursday edition. We\u2019re here for the\u2014what is this?\u2014the three-year\/36,000-mile tune-up. Isn\u2019t that what we\u2019re doing today?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014wheel alignment.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014oil change. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes; you\u2019ve got to check in with folks after they\u2019ve got some mileage under their belts. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe brought Ron Deal in\u2014who is the master mechanic.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> He is the mechanic. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014master mechanic. You wanted to make sure our listeners had the context for what we\u2019re going to do today. Rather than me foul it up, [Laughter] pull out your wrench and bring our listeners into the context of what we\u2019re doing today.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>2:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Thank you. Instead of you fouling it up, you\u2019re going to let me foul it up. [Laughter] It\u2019s good to be back with you guys. I always enjoy being on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tToday, yes; we are joined by some good friends. Robbie and Sabrina McDonald have been on this broadcast before\u2014Sabrina, a number of times\u2014but specifically, for our conversation today: Sabrina, we interviewed you about six years ago when you were a single mom. We talked about dating and the single parent and your experience being a woman dating and getting your head around that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Did I say a widow?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> A widow; that\u2019s right. By the way, welcome back, Sabrina, to the broadcast.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sabrina:<\/strong> Thank you. Glad to be here.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> And then, a couple of years later, we brought on you and your new husband\u2014that\u2019s Robbie. Robbie, welcome back.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Robbie:<\/strong> Thank you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> We spent some time talking with the two of you. You were two years into your blended family at that time. Here we are now\u2014another three years beyond that\u2014so about five years into your blended family experience. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>3:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe\u2019re checking in with you, again, on today\u2019s broadcast. Looking forward to some conversation.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I remember, Ron, a statement that\u2014I think it was Dr. Norman Wright, who said, years ago\u2014he said, \u201cWhen you start a first marriage, it takes three to five years for the adjustments to occur.\u201d Then he said, \u201cIf it\u2019s a blended marriage,\u201d\u2014there\u2019s a second marriage\u2014\u201cyou can take that and just about double it.\u201d It\u2019s about an eight- to ten-year process of making those adjustments; because you\u2019re, not just adjusting to one another, but you\u2019re adjusting away from patterns of the past that are just kind of a default to you. You\u2019ve been in this before; you did it <em>that<\/em> way before\u2014it\u2019s what you\u2019re used to. Now, you\u2019re with somebody new; you\u2019ve got to make those adjustments. This is a part of the trickiness that goes with first marriages, but it\u2019s intensified in a blended marriage; isn\u2019t it?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes; that\u2019s exactly right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>4:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think anybody, who is married, understands you make adjustments as life moves you through time\u2014and your family grows, and changes over time, and kids change in age\u2014yes; we\u2019re always making adjustments\u2014there\u2019s transition to the next phase. Same things are true for blended families. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOne of the reasons we\u2019re tracking with Robbie and Sabrina\u2014I really want our listeners to understand this, because I want to encourage people to go back and listen to those previous broadcasts\u2014is because we can only deal with life when it hits us; right? We don\u2019t know what tomorrow holds. What we\u2019re doing here, intentionally, is seeing how things have grown, how things have changed, how things\u2014how your family is evolving over time\u2014because I think that gives people a lot of perspective, in a blended family, as to what may be going on with their home.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And in your blended family, Robbie and Sabrina, there are four children; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Robbie and Sabrina:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Two from your marriage, previously, Robbie and two that you brought into marriage, Sabrina\u2014so \u201ctwo yours and two mine\u201d is how you\u2014that\u2019s how you verbalize that; isn\u2019t it?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Robbie:<\/strong> That\u2019s right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u201cYours and mine kids.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Robbie:<\/strong> \u201cYours and mine family\u201d; right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>5:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I want to just cut to the chase, Robbie. You work for the Army National Guard; right?\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Robbie:<\/strong> That\u2019s correct.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014non-commissioned officer. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou\u2019re now five years into this relationship. What would you say has been the biggest adjustment?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Robbie:<\/strong> I think the biggest adjustment is learning how to love people or the family, because everybody wants to receive love differently and receive parenting differently than what I was used to for my children.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Three years ago, when we interviewed you guys, Robbie, you actually said that you and Benjamin\u2014Sabrina\u2019s son: her oldest, who is now nine, by the way\u2014that you guys were kind of having it out. There were some power struggles in the home. He had been the man of the house, even as a very small boy, because his father had passed away. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>6:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHere you came, onto the scene, and you kind of had some expectations about obedience and parenting. Your style was a little bit different than Sabrina\u2019s, as I recall. You guys were trying to figure how to merge those things and those expectations. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tRobbie, do you mind just commenting: \u201cHow\u2019s that relationship, specifically with Ben, going? What have been some of the hills and the valleys, and the good points, and things that you\u2019re learning in the process?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Robbie:<\/strong> The relationship with Ben has actually gotten a lot better over the past few months, but it took a lot of time of us both learning each other. I had to take my time and let all that play out instead of just jumping in and becoming Dad. I had to work at becoming Dad.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I want to go back to just the major umbrella that you put all this under\u2014learning how to love. I think that\u2019s a beautiful summary of what happens to any two imperfect human beings when they enter this relationship called marriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>7:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And Ron, I\u2019ve heard you say that, in a blended family, the thing that the non-bio parent has to do is\u2014they have to recognize that Job One is to build that relationship before you try to do anything from a parenting perspective. That doesn\u2019t mean that the son doesn\u2019t need to show respect to the adult in the house, but there\u2019s a difference between showing respect and being a mom or being a dad. You just need to back off and let that develop; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes; what I love about what he said is that it was patience in his process of learning how to love \/ learning how to connect and that you had to rethink\u2014be flexible, learn, adjust along the way\u2014but patience is <em>so<\/em> important. If you just step in there with a high degree of demand: \u201cHey, I\u2019m your new dad. Let\u2019s get on with it. No questions asked,\u201d\u2014that sort of climate just backfires, generally speaking.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Robbie, can you give us an illustration, practically, of how that might work its way out between a stepfather and a son?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>8:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Robbie:<\/strong> Well, I just know it was so much easier for me to connect with my daughter, Katherine, than it was for me to connect with Benjamin. She was willing, and she was searching for that\u2014she was wanting that connection also. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBenjamin\u2014it seemed like he didn\u2019t really\u2014he\u2019s a loner\u2014he didn\u2019t really need the connection as much as Katherine did. I had to think of different ways that I could get him involved or be involved with what he does. I had to go out of my way to make sure that I praised him for the things that he did and he wanted to do.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Sounds like it was easier with Katherine\u2014she was more open. It was just more challenging to connect to Ben.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Robbie:<\/strong> Yes; definitely.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I\u2019ve talked with bio dads about this, and I\u2019ve been a bio dad. You have to learn: \u201cWhat are the things that your kids get excited about?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>9:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen, if you want to enter their world, you enter through those pathways. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I had one dad\u2014who was on our <em>Art of Parenting<\/em><sup>\u2122<\/sup> video series\u2014and he said: \u201cYou know, with one of our kids, if I said, \u2018Hey, do you want to go throw the football around in the backyard?\u2019 \u2018Yes!\u2019 He was all over that. Another kid: \u2018You want to go throw the football?\u2019 \u2018No.\u2019 But if I said, \u2018You want to go to Best Buy<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>?\u2019 \u2018Yes!\u2019 He wanted to go to Best Buy anytime I was going to Best Buy. I had to learn: \u2018What are the things that caused their eyes to light up?\u2019 and \u2018How can I enter their world on their journey, and come alongside them, and help enable that and make that possible?\u2019 This kid couldn\u2019t go to Best Buy on his own. He needed me to drive him there; so, all of a sudden, I\u2019m a good guy; because I\u2019m taking him to Best Buy.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And he needed your credit card. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> That too; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Okay; so\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Sabrina\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> That\u2019s right; you\u2019re thinking the same thing I\u2019m thinking.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I am; go for it!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes; you\u2019re watching this process of your husband and your son, and they\u2019re trying to figure stuff out. How does that affect you, as mom? What do you say? What do you not say? Any lessons learned there?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>10:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sabrina:<\/strong> Oh yes. I was just going to say Robbie has done such a good job of finding out the ways he could connect; because the first year that we were married, I desperately wanted a father for my son, who needed one\u2014very strong-willed, very hard to discipline, very rebellious, single-minded\u2014he wanted to do what he wanted to do. I knew that, if he had a father in the home, he would be a much better person. He has so much potential\u2014so much wonderful things about him. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen Robbie first got there, I said: \u201cOkay; I\u2019ve got my Army man. I want him to come in and straighten out my son,\u201d\u2014so I was encouraging him. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u201cPut on your armor and let\u2019s go.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sabrina:<\/strong> Yes; \u201cLet\u2019s battle!\u201d [Laughter] I wanted him to be the disciplinarian of the home\u2014I thought: \u201cThis is the way God set it up. This is the way it should be. The man is the head of the home.\u201d I had to realize, for stepfamilies\u2014that is a position that has to be earned\u2014it\u2019s not inherent. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>11:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen they\u2019re born into a biological family, they inherently have this respect for \u201cThis is Dad,\u201d and they\u2019re kind of brought up this way. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWell, this was a new person coming to our home\u2014I mean, a basic stranger. So that whole first year, we had a major setback; because I had created it. I had sort of forced Robbie \/ encouraged him to be this disciplinarian, and that was not received well. That put us backwards. I was very upset for the first couple of years; and I thought, \u201cThey\u2019re never going to get along.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut now, Robbie has been so willing to step outside of his box. He\u2019s not naturally a talker \/ he\u2019s not naturally a praiser\u2014he doesn\u2019t, you know, say: \u201cOh, great job. Wonderful.\u201d But that\u2019s something that really feeds into Benjamin\u2014Benjamin really understands that kind of language. He likes to feel\u2014he\u2019s the firstborn of my family, and he likes to feel that acceptance\/\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014words of affirmation.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sabrina:<\/strong> \u2014approval.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> That\u2019s one of the five love languages; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>12:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sabrina:<\/strong> Yes; and that\u2019s not Robbie\u2019s strength, but he has worked <em>so hard<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBenjamin\u2019s really sensitive. He\u2019s one of these kids that just\u2014he\u2019s got his sensors out all the time, so he\u2019s listening to every little word Robbie says. If it has any tone of disapproval in it, whatsoever, he\u2019s disturbed. Robbie has gotten to where he knows that\u2019s going to happen; and he\u2019ll say: \u201cI\u2019m not upset with you. I love you. I\u2019m not upset with you. I just want you to know such-and-such and such-and-such.\u201d He\u2019s recognized that pattern on his own. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI\u2019ve been really proud of the way that he\u2019s [Robbie\u2019s] interacted with him [Benjamin]; because that\u2019s been a really rough relationship\u2014you know, trying to figure out that balance of: \u201cHow do I be a disciplinarian but also let him know that I still love him?\u201d That requires a lot of communication with Benjamin, which is not a strength of Robbie\u2019s. He\u2019s worked so hard to reach out to Ben. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s been amazing to watch Benjamin go to school and <em>brag<\/em> about <em>his dad<\/em> and tell the kids about: \u201cOh, my dad\u2019s been in war.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>13:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cMy dad\u2019s been to Iraq. My dad can do this and that.\u201d I hear him talking a lot more now about \u201chis dad,\u201d \u201chis dad,\u201d \u201chis dad.\u201d It\u2019s gone from one extreme to the other.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Sabrina, I\u2019m just sitting back, listening to you. I <em>love<\/em> the way you describe something that isn\u2019t a strength\u2014you didn\u2019t call it a weakness. [Laughter] Really! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd you didn\u2019t see it\u2014obviously, as a listener\u2014but Robbie just reached over and patted her hand; I love the way you\u2019re looking at your husband\u2014and how he has fought through some major battles, probably more difficult than what you faced in going to a foreign country.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Robbie:<\/strong> To a point; yes. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And to win the boy over, and to keep on keeping on, and to keep on <em>loving<\/em>\u2014that\u2019s the love of the Scriptures\u2014it\u2019s not that you do it perfectly, but that you don\u2019t quit.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>14:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes; and that\u2019s what I was feeling too\u2014was the accommodation of Robbie to find a way to build that connection. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThree years ago, when we sat here and we talked to you guys, Sabrina, you articulated a little bit of regret over the pace of how quickly you guys\u2014you dated for six months \/ married\u2014and part of it was you were now realizing \/ at that point, you were realizing that you felt like Ben needed a dad. Here you are, again, saying, \u201cYes; I kind of pushed all of that, and then it backfired.\u201d So, three years ago, you were feeling some regret over that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, I want the listener to hear that, even though there\u2019s tension\u2014there\u2019s some awkwardness \/ there\u2019s some adjustments\u2014here you are; fast-forward three years\u2014things are better. Now, Ben\u2019s bragging on his dad at school. What a shift! What a change! That, Bob, is the kind of reward stuff that we talk about at FamilyLife Blended<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>\u2014that often the rewards come a little bit further down the road than you\u2019d like for them to come; but if you persist and keep finding a way\u2014and as Robbie did\u2014find that way to build a connection. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>15:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd by the way, words of affirmation may not come easily to you; but saying to him, \u201cHey, listen, I\u2019m not mad at you; but I love you,\u201d\u2014[those are] words of affirmation. You found <em>your voice<\/em> with Ben\u2014that\u2019s the key.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And to your point, Ron, somebody has said, \u201cWe\u2019re able to do less in a year than we think we\u2019re going to be able to do, but we\u2019re able to do more in five years than we think we\u2019re going to be able to do.\u201d In the dailyness of it, we can sometimes feel like, \u201cI don\u2019t know if we\u2019re making any progress on this thing at all,\u201d\u2014but you come back in for your three-year\/36,000-mile check-up\u2014and you go: \u201cWe are in a different place. We have made progress. We didn\u2019t <em>feel<\/em> it in the moment; but now, we can look and go, \u2018Okay; there\u2019s some good stuff that\u2019s happened here.\u2019\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And Sabrina, there has to be a mom or a dad, who are in a blended family, who haven\u2019t seen: \u201cHey\u2014that was my dad. He did this, and he did that; and I\u2019m proud of him.\u201d They\u2019re still waiting to hear those words, and it may be longer than five years. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>16:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat would you say to both that dad and that mom in that situation if it was similar to yours?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014still getting stiff-armed by stepson or a stepdaughter.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sabrina:<\/strong> I think I would say to the biological parent to\u2014you know, we\u2019re the ones that can see in our children, where they are struggling. The stepparent is still more of the outsider\u2014you don\u2019t know exactly what\u2019s going on. It takes a lot of support from the biological parent, and having that communication with their spouse, and saying: \u201cLook, here\u2019s where my child is struggling. This is what he or she needs from you.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe have a lot of those conversations, because Robbie\u2019s not a words-of-affirmation person\u2014I am. And I\u2019m a lot like my son in the way that we need to be loved. I would have to interpret for him; and I would say: \u201cThis is why he\u2019s upset by your tone,\u201d or \u201c\u2026you\u2019re saying things in this way or that way.\u201d To you, that just sounds like a normal command. Your kids are used to it, but my son is not. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>17:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cHe hears that; and to him, that means you\u2019re angry.\u201d We had to have a lot of those\u2014almost like a mediator or interpretation\u2014conversations\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yes; kind of like a foreign language.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sabrina:<\/strong> Yes; it really is. I\u2019m telling him: \u201cThis is how our family views that, and here\u2019s what you\u2019re saying to him when you do that.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tRobbie, to his credit, has been such an awesome listener. He listens to what I\u2019m saying; he considers it\u2014he doesn\u2019t just stiff-arm me and say: \u201cOh, no, no, no. That\u2019s not the way it\u2019s going to be around here.\u201d He really listens and wants there to be peace in the family. He tries really hard to emulate what it is that I\u2019m suggesting.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Okay; so let\u2019s check in on the other side. Three years ago, Sabrina, you have two stepchildren\u2014Robbie has two kids. By the way, I think we should mention your first marriage, Robbie, came to an end when your wife, Kari, passed away of cancer. Is that correct?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Robbie:<\/strong> That\u2019s correct.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> And you now have William, who is 28 and married, and Seth, who\u2019s now 18, in your home. What\u2019s your journey like with them?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sabrina:<\/strong> Well, three years ago, with Seth, we had a really good relationship. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>18:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, he\u2019s left and gone off to college. The struggle for me has been trying to figure out if the way he\u2019s reacting to me is a result of his going off to college and being independent or \u201cIs he trying to get away from me because now he can?\u201d [Laughter] I really don\u2019t know! I\u2019m not sure. I don\u2019t know if he\u2019s sure, but I\u2019m still reaching out to him. I\u2019m still\u2014I made a mistake of getting into kind of a heated battle with him, where I was just kind of\u2014I was yelling at him and saying, you know: \u201cI\u2019m not made of money! You\u2019re just treating me like an ATM machine!\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Hold it; hold it! I just want you to know something\u2014we sent six to college. [Laughter] They all treat moms and dads like ATM machines; and when they happen to be of the male species, if you hear from them, in the first semester, a couple of times\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014count that a victory.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>19:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> That\u2019s right\u2014a big victory; okay? I don\u2019t know your situation, obviously; but I just remember both Barbara and I went through, \u201cWell, we do have a son.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes: \u201cWe <em>think<\/em>.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u201cWe think he\u2019s up there,\u201d\u2014but they just didn\u2019t call. [Laughter]That\u2019s not how they were wired.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> I think the message here is: \u201cSometimes, it really is hard to know whether that\u2019s just a kid thing\u2014a developmental child \/ developmental moment with parents\u2014or if it\u2019s more stepfamily related.\u201d Honestly, I don\u2019t know that we\u2019ll always know the difference. But what I hear you saying is: \u201cThere\u2019s a transition taking place. You\u2019re at a season of your life, where you\u2019re trying to figure that relationship out.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sabrina:<\/strong> Yes; I think all of us are still trying to figure it out, because he was a teenager when we got married. It was a very\u2014we were\u2014at that point, he was really talking to me. He was at that stage, where he was just trying to figure out who he was and everything. Now, he kind of knows who he is; so I don\u2019t know that he needs that kind of feedback. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut it does\u2014when you\u2019re a stepparent, you keep telling yourself: \u201cThis is because he\u2019s this age. It\u2019s because he is this age\u2014\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>20:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014\u201cthat\u2019s what it is.\u201d But on the\u2014you know, you have the angel and the devil on your shoulders. One is telling you, \u201cIt\u2019s his age,\u201d and the other one is saying: \u201cNo; he doesn\u2019t like you. That\u2019s the reason why he\u2019s out of here, because he\u2019s <em>never<\/em> coming back.\u201d You have just this insecurity about: \u201cWhat did I do?\u201d and \u201cWhat can I do?\u201d and \u201cHow can I make him feel like he wants to be here?\u201d and \u201cI want this to be his home\u201d; you know?\u00a0 So, there is some anxiety there.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> What I\u2019d say here is\u2014you need to realize that a good bit of the teenage years are just tough; they just aren\u2019t very lovable. They won\u2019t let you know that they\u2019re listening, even though they really are. They need parents, whether you\u2019re a stepparent or a bio parent, to step in, keep loving \/ keep believing. Don\u2019t give up, and <em>certainly<\/em> don\u2019t let your teenager push <em>you<\/em> out and invite his peers in\u2014that\u2019s the last thing he needs.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes; a stepparent\u2019s got to be <em>shrewd<\/em> how you do that dance, because you can\u2019t press in as much as the bio parent can. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>21:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd you may\u2014Sabrina, as the mom here\u2014need to go to Robbie and say: \u201cI think something\u2019s up here. You may need to get a little closer to your son, because you\u2019ve got to be aware of the dynamic.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut I think your point, Dennis\u2014moms and dads\u2014they get these ques from their teenage kids, whether you\u2019re a bio parent or a stepparent\u2014you get these ques, like: \u201cBack off.\u201d You\u2019ve got to say: \u201cNo; I\u2019m right here. I\u2019m staying right with you.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u201cI\u2019m coming after you; because you need a parent in your life right now, who loves you and who believes in you.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I think the books, Ron, that you\u2019ve written for stepmoms and stepdads will be so helpful here. The books, <em>The Smart Stepmom<\/em> and <em>The Smart Stepdad<\/em>\u2014you just give good practical sound counsel on how to deal with these challenges that stepfamilies often face. We\u2019ve got, of course, these books in our <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> Resource Center. You can order them from us, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com; or call 1-800-FL-TODAY to order. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>22:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOnce again, let me remind folks: \u201cIf you want to listen to or view the content from our recent <em>Blended and Blessed<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup> one-day event for stepfamilies, we have the all-access pass available that will give you access to all of that content. You can use that with a small group or just view it on your own\u2014listen to these messages. Go to FamilyLifeToday.com for more information about the all-access pass or about Ron\u2019s books, <em>The Smart Stepmom<\/em> and <em>The Smart Stepdad<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, we have had a lot of folks who, over the last few weeks, have been downloading the <em>Growing Together<\/em> devotional series that we\u2019ve created to provide families with some content that you can engage around during the summer\u2014some things that will, hopefully, stimulate some good spiritual conversation in your home. There\u2019s still time to download that series. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>23:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe\u2019d love for you to use this content as you and your family, maybe, go on vacation this summer or when you have family meals together. You can find it on our website at FamilyLifeToday.com. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLet me just say a word of thanks to those of you who help make resources like this possible. When you support the ministry of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, you are supporting our efforts to effectively develop godly marriages and families. That\u2019s our mission, here, at FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>. We could not do it without partners like you. Some of you, I know, are regular monthly Legacy Partners. Others of you make donations as you are able. In either case, we\u2019re grateful that you\u2019re joining with us to provide practical biblical help and hope for marriages and families. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you\u2019re a regular listener, and you\u2019ve never made a donation, we\u2019d love to have you join the team. Go to FamilyLifeToday.com and donate today; or call 1-800-FL-TODAY to donate. And of course, you can mail your donation if you\u2019d prefer. Our address is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> at PO Box 7111, Little Rock, AR; and our zip code is 72223.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>24:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTomorrow, we\u2019ll continue talking about the challenges that one real stepfamily is facing as they try to navigate what can be sometimes choppy waters. Robbie and Sabrina McDonald will be back again with us tomorrow, along with Ron Deal. We hope you can be back with us as well. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\tHelp for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2018 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>"],"_seopress_titles_title":[""],"_seopress_titles_desc":[""],"_seopress_robots_index":[""],"duration":["00:26:05"],"show_notes":[""],"_thumbnail_id":["294104"],"filesize":["23.88M"],"filesize_raw":["25041079"],"_uag_css_file_name":["uag-css-300285.css"],"_uag_js_file_name":["uag-js-300285.js"],"_uag_page_assets":["a:9:{s:3:\"css\";s:82560:\".wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-top svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-top .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: rgba(51,51,51,1);}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-bottom svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-bottom 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Deal joins Robbie and Sabrina McDonald to talk about their blended family three years after saying \"I Do.\"","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2018-06-28.pdf","transcript_content":"<strong>Bob: <\/strong>The delicate dance between a stepparent and a stepson or stepdaughter is one that is perfected over time with a lot of attention to how the kids are feeling. That\u2019s what Sabrina McDonald has experienced as her husband, Robbie, has been learning how to deal with her son, Benjamin.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sabrina:<\/strong> <a id=\"_Hlk516778585\">Benjamin\u2019s really sensitive. He\u2019s one of these kids that just\u2014he\u2019s got his sensors out all the time, so he\u2019s listening to every little word Robbie says. If it has any tone of disapproval in it, whatsoever, he\u2019s disturbed. Robbie has gotten to where he knows that\u2019s going to happen; and he\u2019ll say: \u201cI\u2019m not upset with you. I love you. I just want you to know such-and-such and such-and-such.\u201d He\u2019s recognized that pattern on his own and trying to figure out that balance of \u201cHow do I be a disciplinarian but also let him know that I still love him?\u201d That requires a lot of communication.<\/a>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>1:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Thursday, June 28<sup>th<\/sup>. Our host is Dennis Rainey, and I'm Bob Lepine. How can parents in a blended family help one another learn to better relate to their non-biological children? We\u2019re going to explore that and more today. Stay with us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us on the Thursday edition. We\u2019re here for the\u2014what is this?\u2014the three-year\/36,000-mile tune-up. Isn\u2019t that what we\u2019re doing today?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014wheel alignment.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014oil change. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes; you\u2019ve got to check in with folks after they\u2019ve got some mileage under their belts. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe brought Ron Deal in\u2014who is the master mechanic.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> He is the mechanic. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014master mechanic. You wanted to make sure our listeners had the context for what we\u2019re going to do today. Rather than me foul it up, [Laughter] pull out your wrench and bring our listeners into the context of what we\u2019re doing today.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>2:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Thank you. Instead of you fouling it up, you\u2019re going to let me foul it up. [Laughter] It\u2019s good to be back with you guys. I always enjoy being on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tToday, yes; we are joined by some good friends. Robbie and Sabrina McDonald have been on this broadcast before\u2014Sabrina, a number of times\u2014but specifically, for our conversation today: Sabrina, we interviewed you about six years ago when you were a single mom. We talked about dating and the single parent and your experience being a woman dating and getting your head around that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Did I say a widow?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> A widow; that\u2019s right. By the way, welcome back, Sabrina, to the broadcast.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sabrina:<\/strong> Thank you. Glad to be here.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> And then, a couple of years later, we brought on you and your new husband\u2014that\u2019s Robbie. Robbie, welcome back.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Robbie:<\/strong> Thank you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> We spent some time talking with the two of you. You were two years into your blended family at that time. Here we are now\u2014another three years beyond that\u2014so about five years into your blended family experience. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>3:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe\u2019re checking in with you, again, on today\u2019s broadcast. Looking forward to some conversation.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I remember, Ron, a statement that\u2014I think it was Dr. Norman Wright, who said, years ago\u2014he said, \u201cWhen you start a first marriage, it takes three to five years for the adjustments to occur.\u201d Then he said, \u201cIf it\u2019s a blended marriage,\u201d\u2014there\u2019s a second marriage\u2014\u201cyou can take that and just about double it.\u201d It\u2019s about an eight- to ten-year process of making those adjustments; because you\u2019re, not just adjusting to one another, but you\u2019re adjusting away from patterns of the past that are just kind of a default to you. You\u2019ve been in this before; you did it <em>that<\/em> way before\u2014it\u2019s what you\u2019re used to. Now, you\u2019re with somebody new; you\u2019ve got to make those adjustments. This is a part of the trickiness that goes with first marriages, but it\u2019s intensified in a blended marriage; isn\u2019t it?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes; that\u2019s exactly right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>4:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think anybody, who is married, understands you make adjustments as life moves you through time\u2014and your family grows, and changes over time, and kids change in age\u2014yes; we\u2019re always making adjustments\u2014there\u2019s transition to the next phase. Same things are true for blended families. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOne of the reasons we\u2019re tracking with Robbie and Sabrina\u2014I really want our listeners to understand this, because I want to encourage people to go back and listen to those previous broadcasts\u2014is because we can only deal with life when it hits us; right? We don\u2019t know what tomorrow holds. What we\u2019re doing here, intentionally, is seeing how things have grown, how things have changed, how things\u2014how your family is evolving over time\u2014because I think that gives people a lot of perspective, in a blended family, as to what may be going on with their home.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And in your blended family, Robbie and Sabrina, there are four children; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Robbie and Sabrina:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Two from your marriage, previously, Robbie and two that you brought into marriage, Sabrina\u2014so \u201ctwo yours and two mine\u201d is how you\u2014that\u2019s how you verbalize that; isn\u2019t it?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Robbie:<\/strong> That\u2019s right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u201cYours and mine kids.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Robbie:<\/strong> \u201cYours and mine family\u201d; right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>5:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I want to just cut to the chase, Robbie. You work for the Army National Guard; right?\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Robbie:<\/strong> That\u2019s correct.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014non-commissioned officer. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou\u2019re now five years into this relationship. What would you say has been the biggest adjustment?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Robbie:<\/strong> I think the biggest adjustment is learning how to love people or the family, because everybody wants to receive love differently and receive parenting differently than what I was used to for my children.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Three years ago, when we interviewed you guys, Robbie, you actually said that you and Benjamin\u2014Sabrina\u2019s son: her oldest, who is now nine, by the way\u2014that you guys were kind of having it out. There were some power struggles in the home. He had been the man of the house, even as a very small boy, because his father had passed away. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>6:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHere you came, onto the scene, and you kind of had some expectations about obedience and parenting. Your style was a little bit different than Sabrina\u2019s, as I recall. You guys were trying to figure how to merge those things and those expectations. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tRobbie, do you mind just commenting: \u201cHow\u2019s that relationship, specifically with Ben, going? What have been some of the hills and the valleys, and the good points, and things that you\u2019re learning in the process?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Robbie:<\/strong> The relationship with Ben has actually gotten a lot better over the past few months, but it took a lot of time of us both learning each other. I had to take my time and let all that play out instead of just jumping in and becoming Dad. I had to work at becoming Dad.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I want to go back to just the major umbrella that you put all this under\u2014learning how to love. I think that\u2019s a beautiful summary of what happens to any two imperfect human beings when they enter this relationship called marriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>7:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And Ron, I\u2019ve heard you say that, in a blended family, the thing that the non-bio parent has to do is\u2014they have to recognize that Job One is to build that relationship before you try to do anything from a parenting perspective. That doesn\u2019t mean that the son doesn\u2019t need to show respect to the adult in the house, but there\u2019s a difference between showing respect and being a mom or being a dad. You just need to back off and let that develop; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes; what I love about what he said is that it was patience in his process of learning how to love \/ learning how to connect and that you had to rethink\u2014be flexible, learn, adjust along the way\u2014but patience is <em>so<\/em> important. If you just step in there with a high degree of demand: \u201cHey, I\u2019m your new dad. Let\u2019s get on with it. No questions asked,\u201d\u2014that sort of climate just backfires, generally speaking.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Robbie, can you give us an illustration, practically, of how that might work its way out between a stepfather and a son?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>8:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Robbie:<\/strong> Well, I just know it was so much easier for me to connect with my daughter, Katherine, than it was for me to connect with Benjamin. She was willing, and she was searching for that\u2014she was wanting that connection also. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBenjamin\u2014it seemed like he didn\u2019t really\u2014he\u2019s a loner\u2014he didn\u2019t really need the connection as much as Katherine did. I had to think of different ways that I could get him involved or be involved with what he does. I had to go out of my way to make sure that I praised him for the things that he did and he wanted to do.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Sounds like it was easier with Katherine\u2014she was more open. It was just more challenging to connect to Ben.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Robbie:<\/strong> Yes; definitely.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I\u2019ve talked with bio dads about this, and I\u2019ve been a bio dad. You have to learn: \u201cWhat are the things that your kids get excited about?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>9:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen, if you want to enter their world, you enter through those pathways. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I had one dad\u2014who was on our <em>Art of Parenting<\/em><sup>\u2122<\/sup> video series\u2014and he said: \u201cYou know, with one of our kids, if I said, \u2018Hey, do you want to go throw the football around in the backyard?\u2019 \u2018Yes!\u2019 He was all over that. Another kid: \u2018You want to go throw the football?\u2019 \u2018No.\u2019 But if I said, \u2018You want to go to Best Buy<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>?\u2019 \u2018Yes!\u2019 He wanted to go to Best Buy anytime I was going to Best Buy. I had to learn: \u2018What are the things that caused their eyes to light up?\u2019 and \u2018How can I enter their world on their journey, and come alongside them, and help enable that and make that possible?\u2019 This kid couldn\u2019t go to Best Buy on his own. He needed me to drive him there; so, all of a sudden, I\u2019m a good guy; because I\u2019m taking him to Best Buy.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And he needed your credit card. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> That too; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Okay; so\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Sabrina\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> That\u2019s right; you\u2019re thinking the same thing I\u2019m thinking.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I am; go for it!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes; you\u2019re watching this process of your husband and your son, and they\u2019re trying to figure stuff out. How does that affect you, as mom? What do you say? What do you not say? Any lessons learned there?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>10:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sabrina:<\/strong> Oh yes. I was just going to say Robbie has done such a good job of finding out the ways he could connect; because the first year that we were married, I desperately wanted a father for my son, who needed one\u2014very strong-willed, very hard to discipline, very rebellious, single-minded\u2014he wanted to do what he wanted to do. I knew that, if he had a father in the home, he would be a much better person. He has so much potential\u2014so much wonderful things about him. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen Robbie first got there, I said: \u201cOkay; I\u2019ve got my Army man. I want him to come in and straighten out my son,\u201d\u2014so I was encouraging him. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u201cPut on your armor and let\u2019s go.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sabrina:<\/strong> Yes; \u201cLet\u2019s battle!\u201d [Laughter] I wanted him to be the disciplinarian of the home\u2014I thought: \u201cThis is the way God set it up. This is the way it should be. The man is the head of the home.\u201d I had to realize, for stepfamilies\u2014that is a position that has to be earned\u2014it\u2019s not inherent. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>11:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen they\u2019re born into a biological family, they inherently have this respect for \u201cThis is Dad,\u201d and they\u2019re kind of brought up this way. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWell, this was a new person coming to our home\u2014I mean, a basic stranger. So that whole first year, we had a major setback; because I had created it. I had sort of forced Robbie \/ encouraged him to be this disciplinarian, and that was not received well. That put us backwards. I was very upset for the first couple of years; and I thought, \u201cThey\u2019re never going to get along.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut now, Robbie has been so willing to step outside of his box. He\u2019s not naturally a talker \/ he\u2019s not naturally a praiser\u2014he doesn\u2019t, you know, say: \u201cOh, great job. Wonderful.\u201d But that\u2019s something that really feeds into Benjamin\u2014Benjamin really understands that kind of language. He likes to feel\u2014he\u2019s the firstborn of my family, and he likes to feel that acceptance\/\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014words of affirmation.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sabrina:<\/strong> \u2014approval.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> That\u2019s one of the five love languages; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>12:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sabrina:<\/strong> Yes; and that\u2019s not Robbie\u2019s strength, but he has worked <em>so hard<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBenjamin\u2019s really sensitive. He\u2019s one of these kids that just\u2014he\u2019s got his sensors out all the time, so he\u2019s listening to every little word Robbie says. If it has any tone of disapproval in it, whatsoever, he\u2019s disturbed. Robbie has gotten to where he knows that\u2019s going to happen; and he\u2019ll say: \u201cI\u2019m not upset with you. I love you. I\u2019m not upset with you. I just want you to know such-and-such and such-and-such.\u201d He\u2019s recognized that pattern on his own. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI\u2019ve been really proud of the way that he\u2019s [Robbie\u2019s] interacted with him [Benjamin]; because that\u2019s been a really rough relationship\u2014you know, trying to figure out that balance of: \u201cHow do I be a disciplinarian but also let him know that I still love him?\u201d That requires a lot of communication with Benjamin, which is not a strength of Robbie\u2019s. He\u2019s worked so hard to reach out to Ben. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s been amazing to watch Benjamin go to school and <em>brag<\/em> about <em>his dad<\/em> and tell the kids about: \u201cOh, my dad\u2019s been in war.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>13:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cMy dad\u2019s been to Iraq. My dad can do this and that.\u201d I hear him talking a lot more now about \u201chis dad,\u201d \u201chis dad,\u201d \u201chis dad.\u201d It\u2019s gone from one extreme to the other.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Sabrina, I\u2019m just sitting back, listening to you. I <em>love<\/em> the way you describe something that isn\u2019t a strength\u2014you didn\u2019t call it a weakness. [Laughter] Really! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd you didn\u2019t see it\u2014obviously, as a listener\u2014but Robbie just reached over and patted her hand; I love the way you\u2019re looking at your husband\u2014and how he has fought through some major battles, probably more difficult than what you faced in going to a foreign country.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Robbie:<\/strong> To a point; yes. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And to win the boy over, and to keep on keeping on, and to keep on <em>loving<\/em>\u2014that\u2019s the love of the Scriptures\u2014it\u2019s not that you do it perfectly, but that you don\u2019t quit.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>14:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes; and that\u2019s what I was feeling too\u2014was the accommodation of Robbie to find a way to build that connection. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThree years ago, when we sat here and we talked to you guys, Sabrina, you articulated a little bit of regret over the pace of how quickly you guys\u2014you dated for six months \/ married\u2014and part of it was you were now realizing \/ at that point, you were realizing that you felt like Ben needed a dad. Here you are, again, saying, \u201cYes; I kind of pushed all of that, and then it backfired.\u201d So, three years ago, you were feeling some regret over that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, I want the listener to hear that, even though there\u2019s tension\u2014there\u2019s some awkwardness \/ there\u2019s some adjustments\u2014here you are; fast-forward three years\u2014things are better. Now, Ben\u2019s bragging on his dad at school. What a shift! What a change! That, Bob, is the kind of reward stuff that we talk about at FamilyLife Blended<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>\u2014that often the rewards come a little bit further down the road than you\u2019d like for them to come; but if you persist and keep finding a way\u2014and as Robbie did\u2014find that way to build a connection. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>15:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd by the way, words of affirmation may not come easily to you; but saying to him, \u201cHey, listen, I\u2019m not mad at you; but I love you,\u201d\u2014[those are] words of affirmation. You found <em>your voice<\/em> with Ben\u2014that\u2019s the key.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And to your point, Ron, somebody has said, \u201cWe\u2019re able to do less in a year than we think we\u2019re going to be able to do, but we\u2019re able to do more in five years than we think we\u2019re going to be able to do.\u201d In the dailyness of it, we can sometimes feel like, \u201cI don\u2019t know if we\u2019re making any progress on this thing at all,\u201d\u2014but you come back in for your three-year\/36,000-mile check-up\u2014and you go: \u201cWe are in a different place. We have made progress. We didn\u2019t <em>feel<\/em> it in the moment; but now, we can look and go, \u2018Okay; there\u2019s some good stuff that\u2019s happened here.\u2019\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And Sabrina, there has to be a mom or a dad, who are in a blended family, who haven\u2019t seen: \u201cHey\u2014that was my dad. He did this, and he did that; and I\u2019m proud of him.\u201d They\u2019re still waiting to hear those words, and it may be longer than five years. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>16:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat would you say to both that dad and that mom in that situation if it was similar to yours?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014still getting stiff-armed by stepson or a stepdaughter.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sabrina:<\/strong> I think I would say to the biological parent to\u2014you know, we\u2019re the ones that can see in our children, where they are struggling. The stepparent is still more of the outsider\u2014you don\u2019t know exactly what\u2019s going on. It takes a lot of support from the biological parent, and having that communication with their spouse, and saying: \u201cLook, here\u2019s where my child is struggling. This is what he or she needs from you.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe have a lot of those conversations, because Robbie\u2019s not a words-of-affirmation person\u2014I am. And I\u2019m a lot like my son in the way that we need to be loved. I would have to interpret for him; and I would say: \u201cThis is why he\u2019s upset by your tone,\u201d or \u201c\u2026you\u2019re saying things in this way or that way.\u201d To you, that just sounds like a normal command. Your kids are used to it, but my son is not. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>17:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cHe hears that; and to him, that means you\u2019re angry.\u201d We had to have a lot of those\u2014almost like a mediator or interpretation\u2014conversations\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yes; kind of like a foreign language.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sabrina:<\/strong> Yes; it really is. I\u2019m telling him: \u201cThis is how our family views that, and here\u2019s what you\u2019re saying to him when you do that.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tRobbie, to his credit, has been such an awesome listener. He listens to what I\u2019m saying; he considers it\u2014he doesn\u2019t just stiff-arm me and say: \u201cOh, no, no, no. That\u2019s not the way it\u2019s going to be around here.\u201d He really listens and wants there to be peace in the family. He tries really hard to emulate what it is that I\u2019m suggesting.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Okay; so let\u2019s check in on the other side. Three years ago, Sabrina, you have two stepchildren\u2014Robbie has two kids. By the way, I think we should mention your first marriage, Robbie, came to an end when your wife, Kari, passed away of cancer. Is that correct?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Robbie:<\/strong> That\u2019s correct.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> And you now have William, who is 28 and married, and Seth, who\u2019s now 18, in your home. What\u2019s your journey like with them?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sabrina:<\/strong> Well, three years ago, with Seth, we had a really good relationship. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>18:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, he\u2019s left and gone off to college. The struggle for me has been trying to figure out if the way he\u2019s reacting to me is a result of his going off to college and being independent or \u201cIs he trying to get away from me because now he can?\u201d [Laughter] I really don\u2019t know! I\u2019m not sure. I don\u2019t know if he\u2019s sure, but I\u2019m still reaching out to him. I\u2019m still\u2014I made a mistake of getting into kind of a heated battle with him, where I was just kind of\u2014I was yelling at him and saying, you know: \u201cI\u2019m not made of money! You\u2019re just treating me like an ATM machine!\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Hold it; hold it! I just want you to know something\u2014we sent six to college. [Laughter] They all treat moms and dads like ATM machines; and when they happen to be of the male species, if you hear from them, in the first semester, a couple of times\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014count that a victory.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>19:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> That\u2019s right\u2014a big victory; okay? I don\u2019t know your situation, obviously; but I just remember both Barbara and I went through, \u201cWell, we do have a son.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes: \u201cWe <em>think<\/em>.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u201cWe think he\u2019s up there,\u201d\u2014but they just didn\u2019t call. [Laughter]That\u2019s not how they were wired.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> I think the message here is: \u201cSometimes, it really is hard to know whether that\u2019s just a kid thing\u2014a developmental child \/ developmental moment with parents\u2014or if it\u2019s more stepfamily related.\u201d Honestly, I don\u2019t know that we\u2019ll always know the difference. But what I hear you saying is: \u201cThere\u2019s a transition taking place. You\u2019re at a season of your life, where you\u2019re trying to figure that relationship out.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sabrina:<\/strong> Yes; I think all of us are still trying to figure it out, because he was a teenager when we got married. It was a very\u2014we were\u2014at that point, he was really talking to me. He was at that stage, where he was just trying to figure out who he was and everything. Now, he kind of knows who he is; so I don\u2019t know that he needs that kind of feedback. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut it does\u2014when you\u2019re a stepparent, you keep telling yourself: \u201cThis is because he\u2019s this age. It\u2019s because he is this age\u2014\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>20:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014\u201cthat\u2019s what it is.\u201d But on the\u2014you know, you have the angel and the devil on your shoulders. One is telling you, \u201cIt\u2019s his age,\u201d and the other one is saying: \u201cNo; he doesn\u2019t like you. That\u2019s the reason why he\u2019s out of here, because he\u2019s <em>never<\/em> coming back.\u201d You have just this insecurity about: \u201cWhat did I do?\u201d and \u201cWhat can I do?\u201d and \u201cHow can I make him feel like he wants to be here?\u201d and \u201cI want this to be his home\u201d; you know?\u00a0 So, there is some anxiety there.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> What I\u2019d say here is\u2014you need to realize that a good bit of the teenage years are just tough; they just aren\u2019t very lovable. They won\u2019t let you know that they\u2019re listening, even though they really are. They need parents, whether you\u2019re a stepparent or a bio parent, to step in, keep loving \/ keep believing. Don\u2019t give up, and <em>certainly<\/em> don\u2019t let your teenager push <em>you<\/em> out and invite his peers in\u2014that\u2019s the last thing he needs.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes; a stepparent\u2019s got to be <em>shrewd<\/em> how you do that dance, because you can\u2019t press in as much as the bio parent can. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>21:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd you may\u2014Sabrina, as the mom here\u2014need to go to Robbie and say: \u201cI think something\u2019s up here. You may need to get a little closer to your son, because you\u2019ve got to be aware of the dynamic.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut I think your point, Dennis\u2014moms and dads\u2014they get these ques from their teenage kids, whether you\u2019re a bio parent or a stepparent\u2014you get these ques, like: \u201cBack off.\u201d You\u2019ve got to say: \u201cNo; I\u2019m right here. I\u2019m staying right with you.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u201cI\u2019m coming after you; because you need a parent in your life right now, who loves you and who believes in you.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I think the books, Ron, that you\u2019ve written for stepmoms and stepdads will be so helpful here. The books, <em>The Smart Stepmom<\/em> and <em>The Smart Stepdad<\/em>\u2014you just give good practical sound counsel on how to deal with these challenges that stepfamilies often face. We\u2019ve got, of course, these books in our <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> Resource Center. You can order them from us, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com; or call 1-800-FL-TODAY to order. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>22:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOnce again, let me remind folks: \u201cIf you want to listen to or view the content from our recent <em>Blended and Blessed<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup> one-day event for stepfamilies, we have the all-access pass available that will give you access to all of that content. You can use that with a small group or just view it on your own\u2014listen to these messages. Go to FamilyLifeToday.com for more information about the all-access pass or about Ron\u2019s books, <em>The Smart Stepmom<\/em> and <em>The Smart Stepdad<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, we have had a lot of folks who, over the last few weeks, have been downloading the <em>Growing Together<\/em> devotional series that we\u2019ve created to provide families with some content that you can engage around during the summer\u2014some things that will, hopefully, stimulate some good spiritual conversation in your home. There\u2019s still time to download that series. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>23:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe\u2019d love for you to use this content as you and your family, maybe, go on vacation this summer or when you have family meals together. You can find it on our website at FamilyLifeToday.com. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLet me just say a word of thanks to those of you who help make resources like this possible. When you support the ministry of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, you are supporting our efforts to effectively develop godly marriages and families. That\u2019s our mission, here, at FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>. We could not do it without partners like you. Some of you, I know, are regular monthly Legacy Partners. Others of you make donations as you are able. In either case, we\u2019re grateful that you\u2019re joining with us to provide practical biblical help and hope for marriages and families. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you\u2019re a regular listener, and you\u2019ve never made a donation, we\u2019d love to have you join the team. Go to FamilyLifeToday.com and donate today; or call 1-800-FL-TODAY to donate. And of course, you can mail your donation if you\u2019d prefer. Our address is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> at PO Box 7111, Little Rock, AR; and our zip code is 72223.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>24:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTomorrow, we\u2019ll continue talking about the challenges that one real stepfamily is facing as they try to navigate what can be sometimes choppy waters. Robbie and Sabrina McDonald will be back again with us tomorrow, along with Ron Deal. We hope you can be back with us as well. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\tHelp for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2018 FamilyLife. 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