{"id":300253,"date":"2018-06-06T11:00:00","date_gmt":"2018-06-06T15:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/building-your-future\/"},"modified":"2024-10-07T22:41:25","modified_gmt":"2024-10-08T02:41:25","slug":"building-your-future","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/building-your-future\/","title":{"rendered":"Building Your Future"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Elizabeth Oates reminds us that the family we grew up in marks us, but it doesn&#8217;t have to define us. Oates and Ron Deal talk about establishing new relational patterns in marriage.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2018-06-06.mp3","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:27:08","filesize":"24.85M","filesize_raw":"26052300","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2830,2860,2873,2862],"tags":[4407,4409,4408,4410],"podcast_series":[7219],"cwp_profile":[8834,3300],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-300253","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-children-of-divorce","category-hardship-and-suffering","category-mental-and-emotional-issues","category-understanding-differences","tag-children-from-abused-homes","tag-children-of-divorce","tag-recovering-from-abuse","tag-restoring-relationships","podcast_series-mending-broken-branches","cwp_profile-elizabeth-oates","cwp_profile-ron-deal","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/300253\/building-your-future","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/300253\/building-your-future","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"NeeKkCVMq0\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/building-your-future\/\">Building Your Future<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/building-your-future\/embed\/#?secret=NeeKkCVMq0\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Building Your Future&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"NeeKkCVMq0\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2018-06-06.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2018-06-06.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> What do we do when our relationship with our adult parents becomes problematic for our family? That\u2019s what Elizabeth Oates and her husband experienced in their relationship with her mom. They recognized they needed to put some boundaries in place that would guard their family from unhealthy relationships. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> As we were starting to set boundaries, he just broke down, crying during a conversation. He says he always regretted that he allowed that to happen\u2014he said: \u201cYou know, I should have defended you. I should have stood up for you.\u201d It was very eye-opening for <em>me<\/em>; because I thought, \u201cOh, should you have?\u201d No one had ever stood up for me before. No one had ever defended me before. I didn\u2019t even know that was an option. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Wednesday, June 6<sup>th<\/sup>. Our host is Dennis Rainey; I\u2019m Bob Lepine. What can we do in marriage to protect one another from what can be difficult, or even toxic, relationships with our adult parents? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>1:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe\u2019ll spend time talking about that today. Stay with us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. We\u2019re spending some time this week just recognizing that the family we grew up in marks us; but it doesn\u2019t define us\u2014to be able to understand that, to be able to correctly evaluate the patterns of the past and what we grew up with, and see how that affects our relationships and our thinking and, then, to recalibrate and redirect our thinking around the truth\u2014that\u2019s an important part of what God has designed for us; isn\u2019t it? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I think it\u2019s an absolute part of what He\u2019s designed, Bob. If we don\u2019t deal with it, it\u2019s going to deal with us; and we\u2019re going to carry those seeds all the way to our grave. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Speaking of deal, we\u2019ve got our friend, Ron Deal. I just thought\u2014[Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I was going to introduce him last. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>2:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI\u2019ve introduced him first. I was going to introduce our guest, Elizabeth Oates. Welcome back, Elizabeth. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> Oh, thank you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> We\u2019re glad to have you back, Elizabeth. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> Thank you. I\u2019m happy to be here. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Ron\u2019s another matter. [Laughter] No; Ron Deal joins us as well. He heads up FamilyLife\u2019s blended initiative. Welcome back, Ron. You know I\u2019m kidding? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes; I do. Thank you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Absolutely! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> It\u2019s good to be here. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Ron, we wanted you to be in on this conversation because you work with couples, all the time, who are dealing with issues from the past as they try to form a healthy relationship. Unless you go back and address some of those issues from the past, you will find them starting to filter through. It\u2019s just like little fumes that come through the air duct. Unless you know the source of that, you\u2019re going to have some toxic fumes in the air; aren\u2019t you? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes; you know, we all have some dysfunction in our lives, no matter what your family story is. The beautiful thing about the topic today is\u2014we\u2019re talking about how God helps to <em>redeem<\/em> our lives in spite of what we\u2019ve grown up with. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yes; that\u2019s the title of the book, <em>Mending Broken Branches:<\/em> <em>When God Reclaims Your Dysfunctional Family Tree<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>3:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLest anybody out there, folds their arms and smugly says: \u201cNot my family tree. We\u2019re all perfect.\u201d [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I remember my mom used to watch afternoon TV talk shows. She would say, \u201cAll these people talking about dysfunctional families,\u201d\u2014she said\u2014\u201cThey\u2019re <em>all<\/em> dysfunctional families!\u201d\u2014right? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> That\u2019s right; that\u2019s right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Well, Elizabeth, you start early in your book talking about a visit that you and your husband Brandon made to your mother and her third husband. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> We\u2019re giving our audience a bit of a tip-off here of the family tree that you came from. You ran into some problems in that visit, as an engaged couple, with your peacemaker husband; and it completely took you off guard. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> Yes; my mom had been married for about four or five years at the time. We were\u2014Brandon and I were engaged, and we were all getting ready to go to a family event. It was a pretty tense situation. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>4:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTheir marriage was just tense in general. There was always a lot of fighting, and that was just the environment that I had grown up in; so I was used to it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI was used to a lot of anger being taken out on me, just in general\u2014whether or not I was the reason for the anger or not. I was used to being treated a certain way. I also knew that, if I spoke up or defended myself, that there were consequences; so I had learned to just take it and just very dutifully be quiet and not say anything. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMy husband is very laidback, which is what I love about him. He is very\u2014like you said, he\u2019s a peacemaker\u2014and he does not like to insert conflict where there doesn\u2019t need to be, which is ironic because he is an attorney. [Laughter] I tell him he needs to be a mediator, not an attorney. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen he saw this all unfolding\u2014he saw my mom and stepdad fighting\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>5:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014and he saw me becoming the target of some of their anger\u2014he was almost a deer in the headlights\u2014look of: \u201cWhat is happening here?\u201d He had never seen this; there was never arguing in his home. He didn\u2019t know how to respond\u2014he didn\u2019t know if he should defend me; he didn\u2019t know if we should leave; he didn\u2019t know if he should pull me aside. He said that he truly didn\u2019t know how to respond. He\u2019d never come across a situation like this. He says, \u201cI didn\u2019t even know married couples treated each other this way.\u201d He said, \u201cI\u2019d never seen this!\u201d so he did nothing.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Let me step in here and just say, \u201cThat\u2019s the same thing Adam did in the Garden\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> Exactly. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cwhen there was conflict between Eve and the snake. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> Yes! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u201cHe just sat there and said nothing.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> Exactly. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Brandon comes by this honestly; right? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> Exactly. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> There\u2019s a genetic predisposition here. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> That\u2019s right! So he did nothing. I, out of years of doing nothing, continued to do nothing. It wasn\u2019t until much later\u2014later meaning <em>years<\/em>\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>6:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014that we reflected on this\u2014it was as we were starting to set boundaries in our marriage that he just broke down, crying during a conversation. He says he always regretted that he allowed that to happen\u2014he said: \u201cYou know, I should have defended you. I should have stood up for you.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI thought, \u201cOh, should you have?\u201d No one had ever stood up for me before. No one had ever defended me before, so I didn\u2019t even know that was an option. I didn\u2019t even know to think: \u201cWhy isn\u2019t he defending me? Why isn\u2019t he standing up for me? Why is nobody interjecting for me?\u201d Then, it was eye-opening for him that he didn\u2019t stand up. I think he felt very regretful.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> He had a responsibility there. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> If we could turn this into a chat with wives, who really want their husbands to protect them\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014and step up and be their advocate \/ not their adversary\u2014in a situation like this, what does a husband need to know?\u2014and what\u2019s the best way to approach him around this subject of how your past has impacted you, as a wife?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>7:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> I think I alluded to it a moment ago\u2014but I almost didn\u2019t know that I had certain rights or that I had a voice. Like I said\u2014I didn\u2019t even know that standing up for myself was an option. I didn\u2019t know that I should want someone to stand up for me or defend me, because this is all I had known\u2014was people taking their anger out on me. I thought that was normal; I thought that was acceptable. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYes; I would have loved, more than anything, for him to stand up for me\/protect me. I think, in the moment, it would have scared me; because I would have been afraid of the consequences; but in hindsight, that is what needed to happen. I think it would have saved us a lot of heartache, in the long run, as far as having to set boundaries that we had to set later on\u2014because we did have to set some hard boundaries later on. Then, once we did, their reaction was: \u201cWait! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>8:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cWhere are these coming from, because you\u2019ve never had a problem with how we\u2019ve treated ya\u2019ll before?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, yes; I think any wife or woman would love for their husband, like you said, to be their protector, to be their defender, to stand up for them, to give them a voice. Yes, we do have our own voice; but when we come from a place of brokenness \/ a place of dysfunction, sometimes, our voice has been so squelched for so long\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> \u2014that we are almost mute, if not, just hoarse. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I think a passage of Scripture that every husband ought to be taught is 1 John, Chapter 4\u2014it\u2019s very simple: \u201cPerfect love casts out all fear.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Lest a husband miss this: \u201cYour wife, as a human being, has had things happen to her that has created fear in her life.\u201d Whether she looks secure or not, there are those cracks or holes in her heart, where she\u2019s been betrayed; and she doesn\u2019t want that to happen again. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>9:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe beginning point for this is to, first of all, have a conversation of: \u201cTell me how this impacts you when we go back home. How do you process what\u2019s being said to you?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u201cHow does that affect you?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Talk it through, as a couple\u2014not to barbeque your in-laws or to somehow put them down\u2014but just to begin to understand how you, as a husband, can begin to truly be an advocate for your wife. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> I am glad you said that\u2014how your wife might look secure \/ she might look strong\u2014because I am a very confident person\u2014very strong personality and very independent. I think that probably threw him off too\u2014was: \u201cWell, she\u2019s not saying anything; so I guess I shouldn\u2019t say anything,\u201d\u2014because in every other situation\u2014in every other group dynamic \/ in every other experience\u2014he\u2019s always seen me take charge \/ take the lead\u2014you know, always be in control. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>10:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis was probably the first time where he had seen me a little more timid \/ a little more meek and mild, which is just not my normal personality. It\u2019s not normally how I handle situations. Like you said, it\u2019s the one situation where I was a little bit\u2014I don\u2019t want to say, maybe, in fear\u2014but maybe, a little bit uncomfortable and reacting how I don\u2019t normally react. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> So, the heads up for us, as husbands and wives here, is that we see the surface; but we ought to be smart enough to know there is stuff under the surface\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> Correct. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014that we can\u2019t see and may be a mystery to us; but it is there. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> It affects how we think. I\u2019m just thinking\u2014I just had an exchange with my wife today about something that we\u2019ve been talking about \/ something that matters way too much to her. I said\u201d \u201cWhy does this matter so much to you? Why do you think this matters?\u201d She was able to pull back and go: \u201cI think there was this about my past. I think this happened back when I was a teenager.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>11:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI mean, she\u2019s going way back; but she\u2019s starting to put pieces together to say, \u201cI think this way and act this way\u2014I react to circumstances, because I see these things in my past.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI wouldn\u2019t see that on the surface; but being able to have those kinds of conversations is healthy for both of us,\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014because it helps me recognize how I can love her better\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014and it helps her understand things about herself more clearly. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> It\u2019s an ongoing part of the process. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> It is. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> It really is. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> It is. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You\u2019ve had these same kind of conversations after 40-plus years; right? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Ron:<\/strong> The principle, I think, here is be inquisitive <em>with<\/em> and on behalf of one another. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Sometimes, it\u2019s\u2014I\u2019m curious about <em>myself<\/em>, and I\u2019m inviting my spouse into that journey: \u201cCan you help me get a little perspective? What are you seeing in me?\u201d By the way, that is an act of humility; right? You really have to put on some courage and trust God in the moment to invite your spouse into that. That\u2019s an intimate moment when you do that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd sometimes, it\u2019s what you did, Bob\u2014it\u2019s you going, \u201cHuh?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>12:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI\u2019ve learned, in my own marriage, when I\u2019m confused about something about my wife, as it relates to how we\u2019re interacting or what\u2019s going on with her\u2014I\u2019ve learned that\u2019s an opportunity for me to get inquisitive and curious in a way that helps her and me discover what\u2019s under the surface. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> It\u2019s like I used to get frustrated, in my confusion, and get angry at her. Now, that was <em>my<\/em> issue; right? Now, I\u2019ve learned: \u201cWait a minute. Wait a minute. There\u2019s something here. Let me just go soft, and slow, and low, and just go: \u2018Huh? I wonder what that\u2019s about.\u2019 Then, pause.\u201d Oftentimes, it kind of bubbles up: \u201cOh, maybe, it\u2019s this,\u201d \u201cMaybe, it\u2019s that\u201d; and we discover something that helps us grow. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> We\u2019ve got to be careful here; because you can go probing some of these past areas, and you\u2019ll get toward sore spots. All of a sudden, inflammation pops up; and your spouse goes: \u201cDon\u2019t go near that! Don\u2019t touch that!\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> What you don\u2019t want to do is go: \u201cBob, you\u2019re my friend. Let me tell you\u2014you need to see something in yourself; right there\u2014you need...\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>13:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>That<\/em> is the probing that is aggressive; right? [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> But the soft, gentle\u2014\u201cHuh? I wonder what that\u2019s about.\u201d\u2014that\u2019s an invitation. That says, \u201cYou\u2019re safe in my arms right now.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Not to belabor this point, but to seek out a biblical counselor\u2014it may be that a third party needs to sit down with the two of you and help a husband unpack what he can\u2019t unpack for his wife. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I have to tell myself: \u201cWait a second, I can\u2019t fix this. This is not mine for the fixing. God has called me to love.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> You mean you\u2019re not Barbara\u2019s Holy Spirit? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I\u2019ve tried to be. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Okay. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Doesn\u2019t work; doesn\u2019t work. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Bob:<\/strong> I want to ask you a question about how you have talked about your past with your children. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> That\u2019s a good question. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> They have a grandmother, who is still alive\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014that\u2014and a painful part of your past\u2014her story; a grandfather who is now deceased that, I\u2019m guessing, they didn\u2019t really have any relationship with. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth: <\/strong>Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>14:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> They are curious about how Mom grew up. How have you dealt with that in a way that is honest without being condemnatory; you know? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> Yes; we kind of tackle it little by little. We answer questions as they come. They have a great relationship with my mom. She lives about three hours away, so she\u2019s not a day-to-day grandmother. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen it comes to questions, things do come out. I remember saying to my husband one time\u2014I think I was just fed up with the whole entitlement mentality that our kids have, which is just\u2014it\u2019s normal kid stuff. I made the comment of, \u201cIf my kids knew half of what I\u2019ve dealt with!\u201d\u2014you know\u2014and made some comment. My husband said, \u201cElizabeth, do you really want them to know?\u2014because, if they knew, that means they would have to live through what you lived through.\u201d You know, I took a deep breath\u2014I said, \u201cThanks for that reality check; okay.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI don\u2019t share a lot with them because I don\u2019t want to shape their view. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>15:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, I would never say I had a horrible childhood\u2014I don\u2019t feel like I did\u2014but I do see God\u2019s protective hand. I think that\u2019s what I want them to realize\u2014is how much God protected me throughout my life. I want them to realize the people God put in my life, who poured into me. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen this book came out, they, of course, asked me what it\u2019s about. I have to tell them just in terms that they understand: \u201cWell, you know, Mommy\u2019s parents were divorced; but God has done beautiful things in my life. This is a book for people, whose parents were divorced, that they want to create a healthy family. That\u2019s what this book is about,\u201d\u2014so just trying to explain it in those terms. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThey will ask me where my dad is; and I\u2019ll say, \u201cWell, remember Mommy\u2019s parents got divorced when I was little bitty?\u2014and my dad was just never in my life.\u201d They\u2019ll say, \u201cWhy?\u201d I\u2019ll say: \u201cYou know, sometimes, daddies just don\u2019t make good decisions; and sometimes, mommies don\u2019t make good decisions. My daddy just didn\u2019t make a good decision. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>16:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cHe chose not to be in my life, but you know what? I have a God, and God is my heavenly Father\u2014He will <em>never<\/em> leave me.\u201d So always trying to point them back to positive things, or point them back to Scripture, or point them back to God. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Ron, comment on how Elizabeth dealt with that with her kids and how you help couples deal with painful past situations. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> I think it\u2019s a delicate line, and she\u2019s articulated it well. On the one hand, I don\u2019t think you want to lie about your past. I don\u2019t think we want to deceive our children and say, \u201cIt was fine,\u201d when it wasn\u2019t. At the same time, you don\u2019t want to paint an awful, horrible picture. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBy the way, I suspect\u2014even though you didn\u2019t say it\u2014I thought I heard, in what you were saying, how forgiveness has softened you toward your parents\/stepparents and how that makes a difference then in how you tell the story to your kids. When you have found some understanding and some empathy for what was going on with your parent\u2014that softens your heart. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>17:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen you forgive them\u2014that softens your heart. You can tell the truth\u2014but in a way that is not harsh, or overly negative, or judgmental\u2014but in a way that is more factual, but it\u2019s laced with compassion. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> Right. Yes; I think that\u2019s a great point to make. If we can understand where our parents come from\u2014just take a look back in history\u2014understand a little bit about their own childhoods \/ understanding what makes them who they are and why they made some of the choices that they made\u2014even if you have some conflict with a sibling, trying to understand your sibling\u2019s point of view\u2014that\u2019s what\u2019s going to help you reach empathy. I think that is what leads to forgiveness. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYes; I\u2019ve done a lot of work, again, to reach forgiveness. I tell people, \u201cI <em>never<\/em> could have written this book if I had not reached a point of forgiveness.\u201d If I had written this book without forgiveness\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> \u2014it would have been a tell-all, splatter the family secrets across\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>18:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014it would have been a completely different book and a book full of resentment. That\u2019s not what it is at all. It\u2019s a book full of hope and healing and a book to help people reach redemption and restoration\u2014at least, I hope that\u2019s what comes across\u2014but yes; I hold no bitterness or resentment at all. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> That has to make a difference in how you tell your children your personal story. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> Right; yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Ron:<\/strong> It has to. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> Definitely. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> I am <em>so<\/em> grateful to Elizabeth, not just for writing this book, but for <em>living<\/em> it. I mean, <em>think<\/em> about the narrative here\u2014it\u2019s a story of a family that had some very difficult times. It was a fractured family\u2014she and her brother having to do a lot of things on their own; grows up \/ stepdad in her life\u2014he\u2019s harsh, angry; another divorce; another stepdad; a lot of loneliness in her teenage years. She didn\u2019t carry that forward another generation. She, with God, did the hard work\u2014mended the branches. Now, she\u2019s got a family\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>19:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014it\u2019s a <em>very<\/em> different story. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tPeople need to hear that: \u201cYour family story can be redeemed in one generation. You can be the turning point. That\u2019s what God <em>does<\/em>.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Dennis:<\/strong> You know, as you are talking, Ron, I couldn\u2019t help but think of the Ten Commandments. The first four have to do with our relationship with God. The fifth commandment is the relationship we have with our parents; and it says this: \u201cHonor your father and your mother that your days may be long in the land the Lord your God is giving you.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI honestly believe, if you want to be a great parent, you\u2019ve got to first go home with honor to your mom and dad. I\u2019m not talking about honoring evil, sin, dysfunction; but I am encouraging a listener to say, \u201cWhy don\u2019t you revisit where they came from?\u201d\u2014as Elizabeth writes in her book\u2014and to think about how you can take honor back home. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>20:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTo do that, you\u2019re going to have to work through forgiveness; because you can\u2019t honor somebody and hate them at the same time. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt could be\u2014I think; in fact, I believe it is true\u2014one of the benefits of the fifth commandment is it forces us to do business with Almighty God around what\u2019s in our heart toward our parents. Elizabeth has done that\u2014to your point, Ron\u2014you said she\u2019s modeled, really, what the Scriptures call us to model as well. <br>\u00a0\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tElizabeth, I\u2019m grateful to God for you and Brandon and your ministry to young married couples. Thanks for being on the broadcast. I hope you\u2019ll come back again and join us again someday. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> Thank you for having me. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I just want to go back to\u2014Ron, what you talked about. Your marriage\/your family can be the first in a new line. You can put a stake in the ground and say, \u201cWe\u2019re going to stop the patterns that have been a part of this family line, and we\u2019re going forward with some new patterns in our marriage.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>21:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you\u2019re going to do that and do it effectively, you\u2019re going to need some help. That\u2019s where Elizabeth\u2019s book, <em>Mending Broken Branches<\/em>, can be a part of that journey for you. I think this book with help you dig in and understand some of those unhealthy patterns and habits of the past and how you can begin to point your family in a new direction. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI\u2019m thinking, too, Dennis, about the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em><em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup><\/em> marriage getaway and how it has been a course corrector for a lot of couples, who needed a new direction for their marriage. You can find out more about Elizabeth\u2019s book, <em>Mending Broken Branches<\/em>, and about the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaways that we host when you go to FamilyLifeToday.com. You can order the book online. You can get information about upcoming getaways or even register for them online. Again, the website is FamilyLifeToday.com. You can also call if you have any questions. Our number is 1-800-358-6329\u20141-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>22:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, I got an email this morning from a listener\u2014this was so sweet. She wrote and said, \u201cYour broadcasts, in general, are so helpful\u2014such a blessing in my life as the first follower of Christ in my family of origin. I\u2019m now 36 years old.\u201d She said, \u201cI don\u2019t have the wisdom and discipling opportunity of a family, and I\u2019m very sensitive to and careful about the information I receive that it be biblically-based but also loving.\u201d She went on to talk about how she appreciates our tone, here, on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> as we seek to speak the truth in love\u2014full of kindness and compassion but also not wavering from what the Scriptures teach. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOur goal, here, on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is to provide practical biblical help and hope for your marriage and your family. And I want to thank those of you who make this ministry possible\u2014those of you who are helping us reach more people, more regularly\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>23:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014effectively developing godly marriages and families. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you can help us with a donation this month, we would love to hear from you. The start of summer is always a time when we have to look around and say, \u201cOkay; what can we move forward with, and what do we need to put on hold?\u201d because during these months we often see a decline in donations. We would very much appreciate hearing from you today. You can donate, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com; or you can call to donate at 1-800-FL-TODAY. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen you get in touch with us, let us know that you\u2019d like to receive a copy of Barbara Rainey\u2019s book, <em>Letters to My Daughters<\/em>. We\u2019re offering this book, this month, as a way to say, \u201cThank you,\u201d to those of you who can help with a donation. The book is great to have to pass along to somebody who is getting married or, maybe, to your adult daughters. This is Barbara sharing her wisdom on being a wife and a mom with her own daughters, first, and now with all of us through the book, <em>Letters to My Daughters<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>24:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tRequest it when you give, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com; or when you call 1-800-FL-TODAY to donate. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBe sure to be back with us again tomorrow when we\u2019re going to talk about living fit. We\u2019ll talk about living with healthy bodies but also with healthy souls, healthy emotions, healthy relationships, healthy finances\u2014all of it. Our guest, Pastor Ronnie Floyd, will be with us tomorrow. I hope you can be here as well. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you tomorrow for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\tHelp for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2018 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>"],"_seopress_titles_title":[""],"_seopress_titles_desc":[""],"_seopress_robots_index":[""],"duration":["00:27:08"],"show_notes":[""],"_thumbnail_id":["294104"],"filesize":["24.85M"],"filesize_raw":["26052300"],"_uag_css_file_name":["uag-css-300253.css"],"_uag_js_file_name":["uag-js-300253.js"],"_uag_page_assets":["a:9:{s:3:\"css\";s:82560:\".wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-top svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-top .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: rgba(51,51,51,1);}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-bottom svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-bottom 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Oates reminds us that the family we grew up in marks us, but it doesn't have to define us. Oates and Ron Deal talk about establishing new relational patterns in marriage.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2018-06-06.pdf","transcript_content":"<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> What do we do when our relationship with our adult parents becomes problematic for our family? That\u2019s what Elizabeth Oates and her husband experienced in their relationship with her mom. They recognized they needed to put some boundaries in place that would guard their family from unhealthy relationships. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> As we were starting to set boundaries, he just broke down, crying during a conversation. He says he always regretted that he allowed that to happen\u2014he said: \u201cYou know, I should have defended you. I should have stood up for you.\u201d It was very eye-opening for <em>me<\/em>; because I thought, \u201cOh, should you have?\u201d No one had ever stood up for me before. No one had ever defended me before. I didn\u2019t even know that was an option. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Wednesday, June 6<sup>th<\/sup>. Our host is Dennis Rainey; I\u2019m Bob Lepine. What can we do in marriage to protect one another from what can be difficult, or even toxic, relationships with our adult parents? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>1:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe\u2019ll spend time talking about that today. Stay with us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. We\u2019re spending some time this week just recognizing that the family we grew up in marks us; but it doesn\u2019t define us\u2014to be able to understand that, to be able to correctly evaluate the patterns of the past and what we grew up with, and see how that affects our relationships and our thinking and, then, to recalibrate and redirect our thinking around the truth\u2014that\u2019s an important part of what God has designed for us; isn\u2019t it? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I think it\u2019s an absolute part of what He\u2019s designed, Bob. If we don\u2019t deal with it, it\u2019s going to deal with us; and we\u2019re going to carry those seeds all the way to our grave. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Speaking of deal, we\u2019ve got our friend, Ron Deal. I just thought\u2014[Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I was going to introduce him last. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>2:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI\u2019ve introduced him first. I was going to introduce our guest, Elizabeth Oates. Welcome back, Elizabeth. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> Oh, thank you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> We\u2019re glad to have you back, Elizabeth. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> Thank you. I\u2019m happy to be here. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Ron\u2019s another matter. [Laughter] No; Ron Deal joins us as well. He heads up FamilyLife\u2019s blended initiative. Welcome back, Ron. You know I\u2019m kidding? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes; I do. Thank you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Absolutely! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> It\u2019s good to be here. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Ron, we wanted you to be in on this conversation because you work with couples, all the time, who are dealing with issues from the past as they try to form a healthy relationship. Unless you go back and address some of those issues from the past, you will find them starting to filter through. It\u2019s just like little fumes that come through the air duct. Unless you know the source of that, you\u2019re going to have some toxic fumes in the air; aren\u2019t you? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes; you know, we all have some dysfunction in our lives, no matter what your family story is. The beautiful thing about the topic today is\u2014we\u2019re talking about how God helps to <em>redeem<\/em> our lives in spite of what we\u2019ve grown up with. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yes; that\u2019s the title of the book, <em>Mending Broken Branches:<\/em> <em>When God Reclaims Your Dysfunctional Family Tree<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>3:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLest anybody out there, folds their arms and smugly says: \u201cNot my family tree. We\u2019re all perfect.\u201d [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I remember my mom used to watch afternoon TV talk shows. She would say, \u201cAll these people talking about dysfunctional families,\u201d\u2014she said\u2014\u201cThey\u2019re <em>all<\/em> dysfunctional families!\u201d\u2014right? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> That\u2019s right; that\u2019s right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Well, Elizabeth, you start early in your book talking about a visit that you and your husband Brandon made to your mother and her third husband. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> We\u2019re giving our audience a bit of a tip-off here of the family tree that you came from. You ran into some problems in that visit, as an engaged couple, with your peacemaker husband; and it completely took you off guard. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> Yes; my mom had been married for about four or five years at the time. We were\u2014Brandon and I were engaged, and we were all getting ready to go to a family event. It was a pretty tense situation. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>4:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTheir marriage was just tense in general. There was always a lot of fighting, and that was just the environment that I had grown up in; so I was used to it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI was used to a lot of anger being taken out on me, just in general\u2014whether or not I was the reason for the anger or not. I was used to being treated a certain way. I also knew that, if I spoke up or defended myself, that there were consequences; so I had learned to just take it and just very dutifully be quiet and not say anything. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMy husband is very laidback, which is what I love about him. He is very\u2014like you said, he\u2019s a peacemaker\u2014and he does not like to insert conflict where there doesn\u2019t need to be, which is ironic because he is an attorney. [Laughter] I tell him he needs to be a mediator, not an attorney. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen he saw this all unfolding\u2014he saw my mom and stepdad fighting\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>5:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014and he saw me becoming the target of some of their anger\u2014he was almost a deer in the headlights\u2014look of: \u201cWhat is happening here?\u201d He had never seen this; there was never arguing in his home. He didn\u2019t know how to respond\u2014he didn\u2019t know if he should defend me; he didn\u2019t know if we should leave; he didn\u2019t know if he should pull me aside. He said that he truly didn\u2019t know how to respond. He\u2019d never come across a situation like this. He says, \u201cI didn\u2019t even know married couples treated each other this way.\u201d He said, \u201cI\u2019d never seen this!\u201d so he did nothing.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Let me step in here and just say, \u201cThat\u2019s the same thing Adam did in the Garden\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> Exactly. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cwhen there was conflict between Eve and the snake. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> Yes! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u201cHe just sat there and said nothing.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> Exactly. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Brandon comes by this honestly; right? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> Exactly. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> There\u2019s a genetic predisposition here. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> That\u2019s right! So he did nothing. I, out of years of doing nothing, continued to do nothing. It wasn\u2019t until much later\u2014later meaning <em>years<\/em>\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>6:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014that we reflected on this\u2014it was as we were starting to set boundaries in our marriage that he just broke down, crying during a conversation. He says he always regretted that he allowed that to happen\u2014he said: \u201cYou know, I should have defended you. I should have stood up for you.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI thought, \u201cOh, should you have?\u201d No one had ever stood up for me before. No one had ever defended me before, so I didn\u2019t even know that was an option. I didn\u2019t even know to think: \u201cWhy isn\u2019t he defending me? Why isn\u2019t he standing up for me? Why is nobody interjecting for me?\u201d Then, it was eye-opening for him that he didn\u2019t stand up. I think he felt very regretful.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> He had a responsibility there. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> If we could turn this into a chat with wives, who really want their husbands to protect them\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014and step up and be their advocate \/ not their adversary\u2014in a situation like this, what does a husband need to know?\u2014and what\u2019s the best way to approach him around this subject of how your past has impacted you, as a wife?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>7:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> I think I alluded to it a moment ago\u2014but I almost didn\u2019t know that I had certain rights or that I had a voice. Like I said\u2014I didn\u2019t even know that standing up for myself was an option. I didn\u2019t know that I should want someone to stand up for me or defend me, because this is all I had known\u2014was people taking their anger out on me. I thought that was normal; I thought that was acceptable. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYes; I would have loved, more than anything, for him to stand up for me\/protect me. I think, in the moment, it would have scared me; because I would have been afraid of the consequences; but in hindsight, that is what needed to happen. I think it would have saved us a lot of heartache, in the long run, as far as having to set boundaries that we had to set later on\u2014because we did have to set some hard boundaries later on. Then, once we did, their reaction was: \u201cWait! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>8:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cWhere are these coming from, because you\u2019ve never had a problem with how we\u2019ve treated ya\u2019ll before?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, yes; I think any wife or woman would love for their husband, like you said, to be their protector, to be their defender, to stand up for them, to give them a voice. Yes, we do have our own voice; but when we come from a place of brokenness \/ a place of dysfunction, sometimes, our voice has been so squelched for so long\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> \u2014that we are almost mute, if not, just hoarse. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I think a passage of Scripture that every husband ought to be taught is 1 John, Chapter 4\u2014it\u2019s very simple: \u201cPerfect love casts out all fear.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Lest a husband miss this: \u201cYour wife, as a human being, has had things happen to her that has created fear in her life.\u201d Whether she looks secure or not, there are those cracks or holes in her heart, where she\u2019s been betrayed; and she doesn\u2019t want that to happen again. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>9:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe beginning point for this is to, first of all, have a conversation of: \u201cTell me how this impacts you when we go back home. How do you process what\u2019s being said to you?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u201cHow does that affect you?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Talk it through, as a couple\u2014not to barbeque your in-laws or to somehow put them down\u2014but just to begin to understand how you, as a husband, can begin to truly be an advocate for your wife. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> I am glad you said that\u2014how your wife might look secure \/ she might look strong\u2014because I am a very confident person\u2014very strong personality and very independent. I think that probably threw him off too\u2014was: \u201cWell, she\u2019s not saying anything; so I guess I shouldn\u2019t say anything,\u201d\u2014because in every other situation\u2014in every other group dynamic \/ in every other experience\u2014he\u2019s always seen me take charge \/ take the lead\u2014you know, always be in control. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>10:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis was probably the first time where he had seen me a little more timid \/ a little more meek and mild, which is just not my normal personality. It\u2019s not normally how I handle situations. Like you said, it\u2019s the one situation where I was a little bit\u2014I don\u2019t want to say, maybe, in fear\u2014but maybe, a little bit uncomfortable and reacting how I don\u2019t normally react. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> So, the heads up for us, as husbands and wives here, is that we see the surface; but we ought to be smart enough to know there is stuff under the surface\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> Correct. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014that we can\u2019t see and may be a mystery to us; but it is there. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> It affects how we think. I\u2019m just thinking\u2014I just had an exchange with my wife today about something that we\u2019ve been talking about \/ something that matters way too much to her. I said\u201d \u201cWhy does this matter so much to you? Why do you think this matters?\u201d She was able to pull back and go: \u201cI think there was this about my past. I think this happened back when I was a teenager.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>11:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI mean, she\u2019s going way back; but she\u2019s starting to put pieces together to say, \u201cI think this way and act this way\u2014I react to circumstances, because I see these things in my past.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI wouldn\u2019t see that on the surface; but being able to have those kinds of conversations is healthy for both of us,\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014because it helps me recognize how I can love her better\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014and it helps her understand things about herself more clearly. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> It\u2019s an ongoing part of the process. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> It is. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> It really is. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> It is. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You\u2019ve had these same kind of conversations after 40-plus years; right? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Ron:<\/strong> The principle, I think, here is be inquisitive <em>with<\/em> and on behalf of one another. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Sometimes, it\u2019s\u2014I\u2019m curious about <em>myself<\/em>, and I\u2019m inviting my spouse into that journey: \u201cCan you help me get a little perspective? What are you seeing in me?\u201d By the way, that is an act of humility; right? You really have to put on some courage and trust God in the moment to invite your spouse into that. That\u2019s an intimate moment when you do that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd sometimes, it\u2019s what you did, Bob\u2014it\u2019s you going, \u201cHuh?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>12:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI\u2019ve learned, in my own marriage, when I\u2019m confused about something about my wife, as it relates to how we\u2019re interacting or what\u2019s going on with her\u2014I\u2019ve learned that\u2019s an opportunity for me to get inquisitive and curious in a way that helps her and me discover what\u2019s under the surface. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> It\u2019s like I used to get frustrated, in my confusion, and get angry at her. Now, that was <em>my<\/em> issue; right? Now, I\u2019ve learned: \u201cWait a minute. Wait a minute. There\u2019s something here. Let me just go soft, and slow, and low, and just go: \u2018Huh? I wonder what that\u2019s about.\u2019 Then, pause.\u201d Oftentimes, it kind of bubbles up: \u201cOh, maybe, it\u2019s this,\u201d \u201cMaybe, it\u2019s that\u201d; and we discover something that helps us grow. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> We\u2019ve got to be careful here; because you can go probing some of these past areas, and you\u2019ll get toward sore spots. All of a sudden, inflammation pops up; and your spouse goes: \u201cDon\u2019t go near that! Don\u2019t touch that!\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> What you don\u2019t want to do is go: \u201cBob, you\u2019re my friend. Let me tell you\u2014you need to see something in yourself; right there\u2014you need...\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>13:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>That<\/em> is the probing that is aggressive; right? [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> But the soft, gentle\u2014\u201cHuh? I wonder what that\u2019s about.\u201d\u2014that\u2019s an invitation. That says, \u201cYou\u2019re safe in my arms right now.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Not to belabor this point, but to seek out a biblical counselor\u2014it may be that a third party needs to sit down with the two of you and help a husband unpack what he can\u2019t unpack for his wife. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I have to tell myself: \u201cWait a second, I can\u2019t fix this. This is not mine for the fixing. God has called me to love.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> You mean you\u2019re not Barbara\u2019s Holy Spirit? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I\u2019ve tried to be. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Okay. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Doesn\u2019t work; doesn\u2019t work. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Bob:<\/strong> I want to ask you a question about how you have talked about your past with your children. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> That\u2019s a good question. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> They have a grandmother, who is still alive\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014that\u2014and a painful part of your past\u2014her story; a grandfather who is now deceased that, I\u2019m guessing, they didn\u2019t really have any relationship with. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth: <\/strong>Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>14:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> They are curious about how Mom grew up. How have you dealt with that in a way that is honest without being condemnatory; you know? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> Yes; we kind of tackle it little by little. We answer questions as they come. They have a great relationship with my mom. She lives about three hours away, so she\u2019s not a day-to-day grandmother. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen it comes to questions, things do come out. I remember saying to my husband one time\u2014I think I was just fed up with the whole entitlement mentality that our kids have, which is just\u2014it\u2019s normal kid stuff. I made the comment of, \u201cIf my kids knew half of what I\u2019ve dealt with!\u201d\u2014you know\u2014and made some comment. My husband said, \u201cElizabeth, do you really want them to know?\u2014because, if they knew, that means they would have to live through what you lived through.\u201d You know, I took a deep breath\u2014I said, \u201cThanks for that reality check; okay.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI don\u2019t share a lot with them because I don\u2019t want to shape their view. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>15:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, I would never say I had a horrible childhood\u2014I don\u2019t feel like I did\u2014but I do see God\u2019s protective hand. I think that\u2019s what I want them to realize\u2014is how much God protected me throughout my life. I want them to realize the people God put in my life, who poured into me. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen this book came out, they, of course, asked me what it\u2019s about. I have to tell them just in terms that they understand: \u201cWell, you know, Mommy\u2019s parents were divorced; but God has done beautiful things in my life. This is a book for people, whose parents were divorced, that they want to create a healthy family. That\u2019s what this book is about,\u201d\u2014so just trying to explain it in those terms. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThey will ask me where my dad is; and I\u2019ll say, \u201cWell, remember Mommy\u2019s parents got divorced when I was little bitty?\u2014and my dad was just never in my life.\u201d They\u2019ll say, \u201cWhy?\u201d I\u2019ll say: \u201cYou know, sometimes, daddies just don\u2019t make good decisions; and sometimes, mommies don\u2019t make good decisions. My daddy just didn\u2019t make a good decision. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>16:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cHe chose not to be in my life, but you know what? I have a God, and God is my heavenly Father\u2014He will <em>never<\/em> leave me.\u201d So always trying to point them back to positive things, or point them back to Scripture, or point them back to God. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Ron, comment on how Elizabeth dealt with that with her kids and how you help couples deal with painful past situations. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> I think it\u2019s a delicate line, and she\u2019s articulated it well. On the one hand, I don\u2019t think you want to lie about your past. I don\u2019t think we want to deceive our children and say, \u201cIt was fine,\u201d when it wasn\u2019t. At the same time, you don\u2019t want to paint an awful, horrible picture. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBy the way, I suspect\u2014even though you didn\u2019t say it\u2014I thought I heard, in what you were saying, how forgiveness has softened you toward your parents\/stepparents and how that makes a difference then in how you tell the story to your kids. When you have found some understanding and some empathy for what was going on with your parent\u2014that softens your heart. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>17:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen you forgive them\u2014that softens your heart. You can tell the truth\u2014but in a way that is not harsh, or overly negative, or judgmental\u2014but in a way that is more factual, but it\u2019s laced with compassion. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> Right. Yes; I think that\u2019s a great point to make. If we can understand where our parents come from\u2014just take a look back in history\u2014understand a little bit about their own childhoods \/ understanding what makes them who they are and why they made some of the choices that they made\u2014even if you have some conflict with a sibling, trying to understand your sibling\u2019s point of view\u2014that\u2019s what\u2019s going to help you reach empathy. I think that is what leads to forgiveness. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYes; I\u2019ve done a lot of work, again, to reach forgiveness. I tell people, \u201cI <em>never<\/em> could have written this book if I had not reached a point of forgiveness.\u201d If I had written this book without forgiveness\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> \u2014it would have been a tell-all, splatter the family secrets across\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>18:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014it would have been a completely different book and a book full of resentment. That\u2019s not what it is at all. It\u2019s a book full of hope and healing and a book to help people reach redemption and restoration\u2014at least, I hope that\u2019s what comes across\u2014but yes; I hold no bitterness or resentment at all. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> That has to make a difference in how you tell your children your personal story. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> Right; yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Ron:<\/strong> It has to. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> Definitely. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> I am <em>so<\/em> grateful to Elizabeth, not just for writing this book, but for <em>living<\/em> it. I mean, <em>think<\/em> about the narrative here\u2014it\u2019s a story of a family that had some very difficult times. It was a fractured family\u2014she and her brother having to do a lot of things on their own; grows up \/ stepdad in her life\u2014he\u2019s harsh, angry; another divorce; another stepdad; a lot of loneliness in her teenage years. She didn\u2019t carry that forward another generation. She, with God, did the hard work\u2014mended the branches. Now, she\u2019s got a family\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>19:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014it\u2019s a <em>very<\/em> different story. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tPeople need to hear that: \u201cYour family story can be redeemed in one generation. You can be the turning point. That\u2019s what God <em>does<\/em>.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Dennis:<\/strong> You know, as you are talking, Ron, I couldn\u2019t help but think of the Ten Commandments. The first four have to do with our relationship with God. The fifth commandment is the relationship we have with our parents; and it says this: \u201cHonor your father and your mother that your days may be long in the land the Lord your God is giving you.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI honestly believe, if you want to be a great parent, you\u2019ve got to first go home with honor to your mom and dad. I\u2019m not talking about honoring evil, sin, dysfunction; but I am encouraging a listener to say, \u201cWhy don\u2019t you revisit where they came from?\u201d\u2014as Elizabeth writes in her book\u2014and to think about how you can take honor back home. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>20:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTo do that, you\u2019re going to have to work through forgiveness; because you can\u2019t honor somebody and hate them at the same time. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt could be\u2014I think; in fact, I believe it is true\u2014one of the benefits of the fifth commandment is it forces us to do business with Almighty God around what\u2019s in our heart toward our parents. Elizabeth has done that\u2014to your point, Ron\u2014you said she\u2019s modeled, really, what the Scriptures call us to model as well. <br>\u00a0\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tElizabeth, I\u2019m grateful to God for you and Brandon and your ministry to young married couples. Thanks for being on the broadcast. I hope you\u2019ll come back again and join us again someday. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> Thank you for having me. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I just want to go back to\u2014Ron, what you talked about. Your marriage\/your family can be the first in a new line. You can put a stake in the ground and say, \u201cWe\u2019re going to stop the patterns that have been a part of this family line, and we\u2019re going forward with some new patterns in our marriage.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>21:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you\u2019re going to do that and do it effectively, you\u2019re going to need some help. That\u2019s where Elizabeth\u2019s book, <em>Mending Broken Branches<\/em>, can be a part of that journey for you. I think this book with help you dig in and understand some of those unhealthy patterns and habits of the past and how you can begin to point your family in a new direction. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI\u2019m thinking, too, Dennis, about the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em><em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup><\/em> marriage getaway and how it has been a course corrector for a lot of couples, who needed a new direction for their marriage. You can find out more about Elizabeth\u2019s book, <em>Mending Broken Branches<\/em>, and about the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaways that we host when you go to FamilyLifeToday.com. You can order the book online. You can get information about upcoming getaways or even register for them online. Again, the website is FamilyLifeToday.com. You can also call if you have any questions. Our number is 1-800-358-6329\u20141-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>22:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, I got an email this morning from a listener\u2014this was so sweet. She wrote and said, \u201cYour broadcasts, in general, are so helpful\u2014such a blessing in my life as the first follower of Christ in my family of origin. I\u2019m now 36 years old.\u201d She said, \u201cI don\u2019t have the wisdom and discipling opportunity of a family, and I\u2019m very sensitive to and careful about the information I receive that it be biblically-based but also loving.\u201d She went on to talk about how she appreciates our tone, here, on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> as we seek to speak the truth in love\u2014full of kindness and compassion but also not wavering from what the Scriptures teach. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOur goal, here, on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is to provide practical biblical help and hope for your marriage and your family. And I want to thank those of you who make this ministry possible\u2014those of you who are helping us reach more people, more regularly\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>23:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014effectively developing godly marriages and families. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you can help us with a donation this month, we would love to hear from you. The start of summer is always a time when we have to look around and say, \u201cOkay; what can we move forward with, and what do we need to put on hold?\u201d because during these months we often see a decline in donations. We would very much appreciate hearing from you today. You can donate, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com; or you can call to donate at 1-800-FL-TODAY. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen you get in touch with us, let us know that you\u2019d like to receive a copy of Barbara Rainey\u2019s book, <em>Letters to My Daughters<\/em>. We\u2019re offering this book, this month, as a way to say, \u201cThank you,\u201d to those of you who can help with a donation. The book is great to have to pass along to somebody who is getting married or, maybe, to your adult daughters. This is Barbara sharing her wisdom on being a wife and a mom with her own daughters, first, and now with all of us through the book, <em>Letters to My Daughters<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>24:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tRequest it when you give, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com; or when you call 1-800-FL-TODAY to donate. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBe sure to be back with us again tomorrow when we\u2019re going to talk about living fit. We\u2019ll talk about living with healthy bodies but also with healthy souls, healthy emotions, healthy relationships, healthy finances\u2014all of it. Our guest, Pastor Ronnie Floyd, will be with us tomorrow. I hope you can be here as well. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you tomorrow for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\tHelp for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2018 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>","theme_header_position":"","post_header_is_sticky":"","is_header_overlay":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast\/300253","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/podcast"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/91"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=300253"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/294104"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=300253"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=300253"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=300253"},{"taxonomy":"podcast_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast_series?post=300253"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=300253"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=300253"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}