{"id":300251,"date":"2018-06-05T11:00:00","date_gmt":"2018-06-05T15:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/embracing-your-present\/"},"modified":"2024-10-07T22:41:25","modified_gmt":"2024-10-08T02:41:25","slug":"embracing-your-present","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/embracing-your-present\/","title":{"rendered":"Embracing Your Present"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Elizabeth Oates shares how growing up in a single-parent home, and then in a home with a stepfather, shaped her views on dating and marriage.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2018-06-05.mp3","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:24:46","filesize":"22.68M","filesize_raw":"23782081","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2830,2860,2873,2862],"tags":[4407,4409,2918,4018,2877,4408,4410,4411],"podcast_series":[7219],"cwp_profile":[8834,3300],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-300251","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-children-of-divorce","category-hardship-and-suffering","category-mental-and-emotional-issues","category-understanding-differences","tag-children-from-abused-homes","tag-children-of-divorce","tag-conflict","tag-dating","tag-marriage","tag-recovering-from-abuse","tag-restoring-relationships","tag-single-parent-home","podcast_series-mending-broken-branches","cwp_profile-elizabeth-oates","cwp_profile-ron-deal","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/300251\/embracing-your-present","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/300251\/embracing-your-present","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"rc8qEgkbGm\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/embracing-your-present\/\">Embracing Your Present<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/embracing-your-present\/embed\/#?secret=rc8qEgkbGm\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Embracing Your Present&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"rc8qEgkbGm\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2018-06-05.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2018-06-05.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> When it comes to resolving conflict, the patterns we saw, as we were growing up in our family of origin, are often the patterns that we carry into our own marriage. That was the case for Elizabeth Oates and her husband. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> We were in an unhealthy pattern of\u2014we would disagree, and I would get <em>really<\/em> upset and really angry. I would say really harsh words. He would think: \u201cOh my goodness! We\u2019re getting a divorce\u201d; so he would retreat; then, I would get even angrier. And then, he would try to work toward me; and I would retreat. Here we have two people retreating, so nothing is getting resolved. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Tuesday, June 5<sup>th<\/sup>. Our host is Dennis Rainey, and I\u2019m Bob Lepine. How do you break the unhealthy habits of conflict resolution that you may have brought into your marriage because of what you saw from the family you grew up in? We\u2019ll explore that today. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>1:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tStay with us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. You know, when people grow up in homes, where there is dysfunction\u2014there are patterns that are unhealthy\u2014oftentimes, it\u2019s not until they\u2019re in their marriage relationship that some of the implications of their past start to show up. They start to try to form a healthy relationship; and they realize, \u201cI don\u2019t have the necessary equipment to know how to do that well.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Marriage, along with raising children, has a way of putting us in touch with some of those issues that we have to deal with. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe have two guests with us today. Ron Deal and Elizabeth Oates join us, again, on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Ron, Elizabeth, welcome back. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> Thank you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Thank you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>2:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s good to be here. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Ron heads up FamilyLife\u2019s blended initiative. Elizabeth is from Waco, Texas, and has written a book called <em>Mending Broken Branches<\/em> and is a cofounder and Vice President of a ministry called Project Restoration Ministries. Explain to our listeners what Project Restoration Ministries is all about. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> It\u2019s a ministry that offers lay mentoring to young couples as well as reduced-fee counseling. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> This is something that\u2014because of your own experience, you saw the need in your own life for this; and now, you\u2019re following what 2 Corinthian 1 says\u2014which is: \u201cComfort others with the comfort that you\u2019ve received\u201d; right? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> That\u2019s right. My husband and I were involved in a church, when we were first married, and received just some really excellent, supportive mentoring from some couples who were in a stage ahead of us. It was so impactful\u2014just\u2014especially for me, coming from a single-parent home; and then, as my mom was married and that marriage was really dysfunctional. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>3:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI really needed couples, who were in a healthy marriage, to pour into me in those first few years of marriage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMy husband came from a great, pretty healthy family; but even he, I think, trying to adjust to, you know, just normal issues that every young married couple deals with. I think those couples pouring into us were really helpful for him. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Do you remember when you realized, Elizabeth, that, as you were starting to form a family and you were now married to this wonderful man\u2014but there are patterns from your past that are starting to break through\u2014we\u2019ve already talked this week about this beach ball that we try to keep submerged that pops us\u2014do you remember when you found yourself blindsided by some of these thoughts or feelings that were showing up in your marriage, and you didn\u2019t know where they came from or how they got there? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> Yes; it happened really quickly after we got married\u2014probably the second month\u2014because, you know, the first month you\u2019re still in the honeymoon stage;\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> \u2014so everything is wonderful and peaches and cream; but the second month, reality sets in. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>4:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI didn\u2019t know how to be a wife\u2014I\u2019d never seen that healthy model. I\u2019d only seen an unhealthy picture of marriage. I thought, \u201cThe only way I\u2019m going to make marriage work is to be a \u2018picture-perfect housewife\u2019\u201d; but I didn\u2019t know what that looked like. I thought: \u201cI\u2019m going to have a four-course meal every night. I will be at his beckon call. I\u2019m going to create this wonderful unicorns-and-rainbows kind of marriage.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf anyone knows me\u2014that is the furthest thing from who I really am. [Laughter] In order to make this happen\u2014because I was also working and in seminary at the time, so I don\u2019t know how I thought I was going to get a four-course meal on the dinner table and keep a house neat and tidy\u2014but I dropped out of Bible study; I quit any book club; I quit activities. I was staying up late to finish course work so I could make his life 100 percent calm, and neat, and tidy\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>5:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014and I was <em>miserable<\/em>; therefore, he was miserable. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAbout two months after trying to live this fa\u00e7ade of a life, my husband came to me; and he just said: \u201cWhat is going on? This isn\u2019t <em>you<\/em>.\u201d We sort of had a big\u2014I want to say an argument\u2014but it was a big fight. [Laughter] Let\u2019s just be honest. I just said, \u201cYou know, I\u2019m just trying to be the wife that you want.\u201d He just kind of looked at me, super confused; and he said, \u201cWho says that I want this?!\u201d We had a great conversation then. I just confessed that: \u201cI don\u2019t know how to do this. I don\u2019t know how to be a wife. I don\u2019t know how to make marriage work.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI remember saying to him, \u201cThis is not what I signed up for,\u201d\u2014you know, we laugh about it now; because he just thought, \u201cWe\u2019re getting a divorce,\u201d because he came from a family, where he never saw parents fight. He\u2019s like, \u201cIf they did fight, they went behind closed doors.\u201d He had <em>never<\/em>, in his 27 years of life, seen his parents fight; whereas, I only saw parents fight. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>6:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, we were just coming at marriage from two completely different perspectives, and we just talked about expectations. We talked about roles and responsibilities \/ what we each wanted. That was\u2014I think the beginning of us really trying to figure out what we wanted our marriage to look like. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And I just have to step in here and say, \u201cI run into couples all the time\u201d\u2014you do too\u2014\u201cat our <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup> marriage getaways, who are hearing about expectations, and about roles and responsibilities, and about how to do healthy conflict; and for many of them, it\u2019s the first time anybody has every told them these things.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u201cThey\u2019ve never had this baseline of what a healthy relationship should look like; and they go: \u2018I wish we\u2019d heard this six years ago,\u201d or \u201c\u202616 years ago,\u2019\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014or \u201c\u2018\u202640 years ago,\u2019\u2014I mean, we get couples like that\u2014\u2018I wish somebody had told us this, back at the beginning.\u2019\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>7:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI\u2019d just encourage listeners\u2014if you\u2019ve never been to a <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaway, you\u2019ll be surprised at what you learn there that does set expectations for a healthy relationship.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> If I may, Elizabeth, let me ask you a question. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> Sure. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> So, obviously, you had a great desire to be pleasing to your husband \/ to provide and create an environment where he felt loved; and that\u2019s great. It also seems like there was a concern on the flipside of that. Your desire was to be pleasing, but your concern was: \u201cIf I\u2019m not pleasing\u2026\u201d\u2014what? Could you put words on that?\u2014what was the fear? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> I wanted to create a peaceful home, I think, because I had grown up with such an environment of chaos and constant tension. I wanted a home that was stable and calm. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> And there we have it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Right? There\u2019s the connection to the past. Her book is about mending broken branches. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen people do what you just did\u2014recognize that something\u2019s fueling me \/ something\u2019s driving me to take this certain course of action in my marriage relationship\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>8:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014or what have you: \u201cWhat is that that is driving me?\u201d \u201cOh! I grew up with chaos. I don\u2019t want to repeat that. I don\u2019t want my husband to feel disappointed. I don\u2019t feel secure about being a wife, and I\u2019m not exactly sure what that looks like. I never really saw that modeled. I don\u2019t want to mess up. I don\u2019t want him to be disappointed in me.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAll of those concerns are fueling your four-course meal activity, so you go from chaos to control; right? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> Yes! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> That\u2019s who you are, and that drives you. If you can identify that\u2014like you\u2019ve done\u2014then, all of a sudden, you go: \u201cWait a minute! Are those fears legitimate? Is that real? What\u2019s the truth?\u201d \u201cWell, the truth is: \u2018My husband loves me,\u2019 \/ the truth is: \u2018God loves me.\u2019 I think I can mess up, every once in a while; and it won\u2019t mean chaos like I grew up with.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAll of a sudden, you relax; your expectations get adjusted; you and your husband fall more in line with one another rather than inadvertently working against one another\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>9:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014that\u2019s the beauty of what Elizabeth is writing about in this book. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> That dance is difficult enough with the right blueprints\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Right! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014but if you are coming from a background\u2014like Elizabeth did, where she didn\u2019t have any\u2014it was a blank slate\u2014at that point, there\u2019s where you go back to what Bob was talking about earlier. You need to get the right blueprints to know how to build this thing called marriage and learn how to dance and to be in sync with one another. The <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em>\u2014I think that\u2019s its strength. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI just want to add to what you said, Bob\u2014encouraging listeners to come. They may be thinking, \u201cOh, that conference is just for people in trouble.\u201d No; it\u2019s for all people. When you come on Friday night, and they ask, \u201cHow many of you here have never been to a marriage conference?\u201d\u2014and Bob what happens? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> The majority of people raise their hands. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> It is 60\/75\/80 percent of the hands go up. You\u2019re in good company\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes; right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014other people wanting to find the blueprints of how you go about building your marriage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>10:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFor you, Elizabeth\u2014you and your husband stumbled onto the issue of boundaries, early on, in your marriage relationship; and that was a huge benefit to you. Explain what boundaries are\u2014at least, how you applied them in your life\u2014and then what the benefits were to you and Brandon in your marriage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> Boundaries are teaching other people how they are allowed to treat you. The benefit to us was that we were allowed to say, \u201cThis is how you can treat us, and we are not going to feel guilty about it.\u201d I think, being raised in the home I was raised in, I was taught that I was allowed to be treated any way that people wanted to treat me; and if I spoke up about it, then, there were consequences. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBoundaries gave me permission to have a voice, and it gave Brandon and me unity. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>11:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat was really powerful for us, because I had never had a voice in my family of origin. And Brandon is such a peacemaker\u2014he is very compassionate, very kind, very laidback and easygoing\u2014which is why I loved him, because I grew up in such chaos and such a volatile environment that I was drawn to his easygoing nature; but on the flipside, he also tends to let things go. He will fully admit this. He will not mind me sharing this, because we talk about this with our\u2014you know, on our marriage retreats that we lead and classes that we teach. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen it would come to dealing with my family of origin, he would just let things go and not stand up for me or not voice concerns just because that\u2019s his nature. When we read through <em>Boundaries \/ <\/em>talked to older mentor couples about boundaries, it really gave us a voice. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>12:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt allowed us to say: \u201cYou know what? This is how we want our marriage to look. This is how we want our family to look. This is what we will tolerate and what we will not tolerate for the health of our marriage and our family.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> What I love about what you\u2019re saying is\u2014you know, here you are reading, studying, talking, exploring together as a couple\u2014\u2014to have that attitude that says: \u201cWe need to learn; we need to be moldable. Let\u2019s help each other overcome and move past where we have come from\u2014you know, what we know \/ the rules, so to speak,\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cof how things should be\u2014and now, we\u2019re discovering, \u2018Hey, it can be more than that,\u2019\u201d and you\u2019re helping each other. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Ron:<\/strong> What a spirit of cooperation. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Well, this is where, as I talk with couples about this\u2014and I did this, just recently, at a <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em>\u2014I said: \u201cWe have a tendency to say, \u2018The issue we are dealing with is <em>you\u2019<\/em>; rather than us saying: \u2018Let\u2019s name the issue. Let\u2019s identify the issue. Let\u2019s put the issue on the table. Let\u2019s, together, talk about the issue,\u2019\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>13:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014and not personalize the issue and make the person the issue\u2014but let\u2019s say, \u2018Okay; what are the issues?\u2019\u2014and take us out of it\u2014\u2018And then, <em>together<\/em>, let\u2019s figure out a strategy for dealing with this issue that works for both of us.\u2019\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Earlier, Elizabeth, you were talking about you and your husband having a fight. Some of our listeners, when they hear that, they think of a boxing match, where two people are slugging each other. [Laughter] Well, it may be happening with words\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014but it\u2019s an argument; it\u2019s a disagreement; it\u2019s differences that are working their way out between two imperfect people. It\u2019s why we need the blueprints for building a marriage and knowing how to resolve conflict. You two did not know how to have a healthy conflict, and how to have a disagreement, and work through it all the way through to forgiveness but also to restoration. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> We do now, but we did not. We were in an unhealthy pattern of\u2014we would disagree, and I would get <em>really<\/em> upset and really angry. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>14:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI would say really harsh words; and he would think, \u201cOh my goodness! We\u2019re getting a divorce\u201d; so he would retreat; then, I would get even angrier. And he would try to work toward me; then, I would retreat. Here we have two people retreating, so nothing was getting resolved. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> It\u2019s hard to dance if you\u2019re retreating. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> It really is! [Laughter] When you have two turtles, who are tucking into their turtle shells, nothing is happening! [Laughter] And we were retreating for different reasons. I was retreating because I had only seen arguments solved in violent or unhealthy ways. He was retreating because he\u2019d never seen his parents solve conflict in a healthy way <em>and<\/em> because of his personality type\u2014because he is sort of that laidback, you know, more peaceful type. He just doesn\u2019t like conflict. I don\u2019t like conflict, because I\u2019m afraid of conflict. We just\u2014we come at it in different ways. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, yes; we just had to learn that conflict can be healthy. It can <em>move<\/em> you toward resolution and reconciliation. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>15:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt can be healthy <em>and<\/em> biblical. We\u2019ve had to work really hard\u2014we\u2019re going on 17 years of marriage. We don\u2019t always get it right, but we try. It takes a lot of humility, I think, to pursue conflict in a healthy way. I\u2019m much more prideful than my husband is. Fortunately, he is the one who usually takes the first step; but I\u2019m working on that. He\u2019s very patient with me. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Welcome to the process. [Laughter] We\u2019re all working on it too. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOne of the things you talk about in your book, <em>Mending Broken Branches<\/em>, is deconstruct your past and let go of old ways. As you just were talking there, I was thinking: \u201cThe old ways for you were anger, and loud, and the loudest person wins\u2014or something like that\u2014that\u2019s kind of what you learned. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> \u201cFor him\u2014he didn\u2019t know what conflict looked like, so the old ways for him were: \u2018Oh, no; we don\u2019t have any conflict. That should never happen, and we should get really afraid if it does happen.\u2019\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>16:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHow do you talk to yourself in a way that lets go of the old ways? I mean, what\u2019s that process like for people; do you think? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> I think you have to think about: \u201cWhat is your goal?\u201d What Brandon repeated to me\u2014and I write about this in the book\u2014he said the best thing to me during our first year of marriage; and he repeated it to me\u2014I am not exaggerating\u2014he probably said it a hundred times\u2014was: \u201cWe are on the same team,\u201d \u201cWe\u2019re on the same team.\u201d That concept to me was so foreign because of what I saw, growing up, and the short marriages that I saw was\u2014you know, my mom and my stepdad fighting against one another\u2014I really saw people who were just looking out for their own interests. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTo see it\u2014to hear him talk about a team concept of \u201cYou mean, we are working <em>with<\/em> one another?!\u201d I didn\u2019t grow up playing any team sports, so that team concept was foreign to me also; so he would explain it: \u201cI\u2019m for you. I am for you. I want what is best for both of us.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Okay; what he said was brilliant\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>17:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Ron:<\/strong> \u2014and foreign to you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> How did you tell yourself to adopt that? To me, that\u2019s like\u2014it\u2019s\u2014because it\u2019s one thing to hear, \u201cOh, we\u2019re a team\u201d; it\u2019s another thing to go, \u201cNow, how do I put that into action?\u201d How did you move yourself in that direction? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> It probably took that whole first year of marriage\u2014it was just repetition, repetition\u2014and finally, it just sunk in. I think just a lot of trust \/ a lot of patience. You know, I think, people who come from broken branches, that\u2019s one thing\u2014people let us down. For him to faithfully spend that year\u2014of just repeating that over, and over, and over\u2014and him showing me: \u201cI really am for you. I really am for <em>us<\/em>. I\u2019m not in this for myself. I\u2019m not trying to get something for my own selfish needs.\u201d After seeing that consistency for a year, I was able to let that sink in. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> There\u2019s a takeaway\u2014repetition. When you\u2019re trying to overcome something in your past, don\u2019t expect it to go away quickly. Stay after it\u2014keep trying; keep trying; keep trying; keep trying. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>18:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Well, the way we encourage couples to apply the same principle is to say: \u201cI am on the same team. You\u2019re not my enemy.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> \u2014enemy. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Your spouse is not your enemy. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> Right; yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> We repeat this over and over again. For a lot of couples, that\u2019s an epiphany: \u201cI\u2019ve never thought that my spouse is not my enemy. I always thought they were an obstacle. I thought they were against me, but they really are for me.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> It was an epiphany for her; right?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> It was! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Even though you hear that truth, it\u2019s hard to grab it. It\u2019s like: \u201cOkay; but I don\u2019t know what that means. What do I, now, <em>do<\/em> with that?\u201d That\u2019s where the repetition and keep working comes in. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> This is where I go to Romans 12:2, which is that great verse, where Paul says, \u201cDon\u2019t be conformed\u201d\u2014by the culture \/ by the world; don\u2019t be conformed by the patterns you saw in the past that were destructive, unhealthy patterns; don\u2019t let that mold you and shape you into the wife you\u2019re trying to be today\u2014\u201cinstead be transformed\u201d\u2014how?\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>19:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014\u201cby having your mind renewed [with truth]\u201d\u2014the truth of God\u2019s Word. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tEvery time Brandon would say to you, \u201cWe\u2019re on the same team,\u201d he was saying: \u201cThis is what\u2019s true here. I know the old patterns that are here, but here\u2019s what\u2019s true. We\u2019re on the same team.\u201d It was the repetition of that truth that finally broke through and said: \u201cWe are on the same team. I can trust that. I can put my weight against that, and it\u2019s not going to collapse. I am safe here.\u201d Now, you can walk differently. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> There is so much weight in what you just said. It\u2019s not just Romans 12\u2014you know, it\u2019s Romans 8: \u201cThe life controlled by the flesh is death. The mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace.\u201d It\u2019s Colossians, Chapter 3: \u201cTake off the old and put on the new.\u201d You\u2019ve got to think about what you are becoming. It\u2019s Philippians 4: \u201cWhatever is good and right and noble and praiseworthy, think on these things.\u201d That\u2019s how you renew your mind. The fact that that principle is repeated throughout the New Testament ought to tell us something. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>20:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> It\u2019s a theme; isn\u2019t it? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> It is a theme, and it\u2019s the pathway out of the old. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And you\u2019ve got to have blueprints to get out of the old and to establish the right kind of format for building your marriage and family. At the beginning of the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em>, we say, \u201cEvery marriage in this room is either moving toward oneness or you\u2019re moving toward isolation.\u201d The natural tendency of marriage is to move toward isolation for the very reasons Elizabeth outlined earlier. You\u2019ve got two broken people from two different perspectives; and if they don\u2019t have something that pulls them together in oneness, the natural drift of that relationship is <em>apart<\/em>\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> That\u2019s right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014two turtles pulling their heads in. [Laughter] That\u2019s why I just want to go back and kind of put a double underline\u2014get Elizabeth\u2019s book. This book, <em>Mending Broken Branches<\/em>, will help restore. It\u2019ll do some tree service\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014some family tree service\u2014[Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> It is pruning. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014in your home. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>21:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAlso, go online and check out the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em>. There\u2019s a reason why these conferences have been around for over 41 years. They\u2019re not advertised around who is speaking. They\u2019re advertised around the biblical blueprints for how you achieve that <em>oneness<\/em> that we\u2019re talking about here. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes; if the background of your family\u2014as you look at it today, you would say, \u201cI didn\u2019t grow up in a healthy relationship environment,\u201d\u2014then, this is a book that will help get you there. If the background of your family was healthy\u2014it doesn\u2019t matter where you were on the continuum\u2014the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> can be helpful as you seek to build a strong, healthy marriage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe\u2019ve got information about both\u2014the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> and Elizabeth Oates\u2019 book, <em>Mending Broken Branches<\/em>. You\u2019ll find the information at our website, FamilyLifeToday.com. You can order copies of the book or start now to register for an upcoming weekend getaway. Go to FamilyLifeToday.com for more information about these resources. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>22:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOr call us if you have any questions or if you\u2019d like to order by phone: 1-800-FL-TODAY\u20141-800-358-6329\u2014that\u2019s 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d Again, the website: FamilyLifeToday.com. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, we recognize, here, at FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> that not all families function the same way. There are unhealthy patterns of relating and communicating in a lot of families, and we believe the Bible gives us answers on how to correct those issues. It begins when we understand that we need to get our relationship with God right through Jesus Christ \/ become children of God; and then empowered by His Spirit, we are able to have human relationships that show love, and humility, and kindness, and care. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHere, at FamilyLife, our goal is to effectively develop godly marriages and families. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>23:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe do that every day through this radio program, on our website, through our events, the resources we create; but the goal of all of it is still the same\u2014to provide practical biblical help and hope for your marriage and your family. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe want to say, \u201cThank you,\u201d to those of you who help make all of this possible\u2014those of you who donate to support this ministry and, especially, those of you who are monthly Legacy Partners. We are grateful for your ongoing support of this ministry. If you\u2019re able to help with a donation during the month of June, we\u2019d love to say, \u201cThank you,\u201d by sending you Barbara Rainey\u2019s book, <em>Letters to My Daughters<\/em>. This is a book she wrote that actually began as letters written to her married daughters about how to navigate marriage, and life, and parenthood. Those letters, ultimately, became this book; and the wisdom is now being shared with tens of thousands of young women all across the country. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe book is our gift to you when you make a donation today to support the ministry of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>24:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou can donate, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com; or you can call 1-800-FL-TODAY to donate; or you can mail your donation to us at <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> at PO Box 7111, Little Rock, AR; and our zip code is 72223. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, tomorrow, we want to talk about the chapter in Elizabeth Oates\u2019 life where she and her husband had to put some boundaries in place in her relationship with her mom. That was tricky. We\u2019ll talk more about that tomorrow. I hope you can be with us for that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\tHelp for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2018 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>"],"_seopress_titles_title":[""],"_seopress_titles_desc":[""],"_seopress_robots_index":[""],"duration":["00:24:46"],"show_notes":[""],"_thumbnail_id":["294104"],"filesize":["22.68M"],"filesize_raw":["23782081"],"_uag_css_file_name":["uag-css-300251.css"],"_uag_js_file_name":["uag-js-300251.js"],"_uag_page_assets":["a:9:{s:3:\"css\";s:82560:\".wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-top svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-top .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: rgba(51,51,51,1);}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-bottom svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-bottom 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Oates shares how growing up in a single-parent home, and then in a home with a stepfather, shaped her views on dating and marriage.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2018-06-05.pdf","transcript_content":"<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> When it comes to resolving conflict, the patterns we saw, as we were growing up in our family of origin, are often the patterns that we carry into our own marriage. That was the case for Elizabeth Oates and her husband. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> We were in an unhealthy pattern of\u2014we would disagree, and I would get <em>really<\/em> upset and really angry. I would say really harsh words. He would think: \u201cOh my goodness! We\u2019re getting a divorce\u201d; so he would retreat; then, I would get even angrier. And then, he would try to work toward me; and I would retreat. Here we have two people retreating, so nothing is getting resolved. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Tuesday, June 5<sup>th<\/sup>. Our host is Dennis Rainey, and I\u2019m Bob Lepine. How do you break the unhealthy habits of conflict resolution that you may have brought into your marriage because of what you saw from the family you grew up in? We\u2019ll explore that today. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>1:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tStay with us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. You know, when people grow up in homes, where there is dysfunction\u2014there are patterns that are unhealthy\u2014oftentimes, it\u2019s not until they\u2019re in their marriage relationship that some of the implications of their past start to show up. They start to try to form a healthy relationship; and they realize, \u201cI don\u2019t have the necessary equipment to know how to do that well.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Marriage, along with raising children, has a way of putting us in touch with some of those issues that we have to deal with. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe have two guests with us today. Ron Deal and Elizabeth Oates join us, again, on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Ron, Elizabeth, welcome back. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> Thank you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Thank you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>2:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s good to be here. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Ron heads up FamilyLife\u2019s blended initiative. Elizabeth is from Waco, Texas, and has written a book called <em>Mending Broken Branches<\/em> and is a cofounder and Vice President of a ministry called Project Restoration Ministries. Explain to our listeners what Project Restoration Ministries is all about. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> It\u2019s a ministry that offers lay mentoring to young couples as well as reduced-fee counseling. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> This is something that\u2014because of your own experience, you saw the need in your own life for this; and now, you\u2019re following what 2 Corinthian 1 says\u2014which is: \u201cComfort others with the comfort that you\u2019ve received\u201d; right? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> That\u2019s right. My husband and I were involved in a church, when we were first married, and received just some really excellent, supportive mentoring from some couples who were in a stage ahead of us. It was so impactful\u2014just\u2014especially for me, coming from a single-parent home; and then, as my mom was married and that marriage was really dysfunctional. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>3:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI really needed couples, who were in a healthy marriage, to pour into me in those first few years of marriage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMy husband came from a great, pretty healthy family; but even he, I think, trying to adjust to, you know, just normal issues that every young married couple deals with. I think those couples pouring into us were really helpful for him. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Do you remember when you realized, Elizabeth, that, as you were starting to form a family and you were now married to this wonderful man\u2014but there are patterns from your past that are starting to break through\u2014we\u2019ve already talked this week about this beach ball that we try to keep submerged that pops us\u2014do you remember when you found yourself blindsided by some of these thoughts or feelings that were showing up in your marriage, and you didn\u2019t know where they came from or how they got there? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> Yes; it happened really quickly after we got married\u2014probably the second month\u2014because, you know, the first month you\u2019re still in the honeymoon stage;\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> \u2014so everything is wonderful and peaches and cream; but the second month, reality sets in. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>4:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI didn\u2019t know how to be a wife\u2014I\u2019d never seen that healthy model. I\u2019d only seen an unhealthy picture of marriage. I thought, \u201cThe only way I\u2019m going to make marriage work is to be a \u2018picture-perfect housewife\u2019\u201d; but I didn\u2019t know what that looked like. I thought: \u201cI\u2019m going to have a four-course meal every night. I will be at his beckon call. I\u2019m going to create this wonderful unicorns-and-rainbows kind of marriage.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf anyone knows me\u2014that is the furthest thing from who I really am. [Laughter] In order to make this happen\u2014because I was also working and in seminary at the time, so I don\u2019t know how I thought I was going to get a four-course meal on the dinner table and keep a house neat and tidy\u2014but I dropped out of Bible study; I quit any book club; I quit activities. I was staying up late to finish course work so I could make his life 100 percent calm, and neat, and tidy\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>5:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014and I was <em>miserable<\/em>; therefore, he was miserable. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAbout two months after trying to live this fa\u00e7ade of a life, my husband came to me; and he just said: \u201cWhat is going on? This isn\u2019t <em>you<\/em>.\u201d We sort of had a big\u2014I want to say an argument\u2014but it was a big fight. [Laughter] Let\u2019s just be honest. I just said, \u201cYou know, I\u2019m just trying to be the wife that you want.\u201d He just kind of looked at me, super confused; and he said, \u201cWho says that I want this?!\u201d We had a great conversation then. I just confessed that: \u201cI don\u2019t know how to do this. I don\u2019t know how to be a wife. I don\u2019t know how to make marriage work.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI remember saying to him, \u201cThis is not what I signed up for,\u201d\u2014you know, we laugh about it now; because he just thought, \u201cWe\u2019re getting a divorce,\u201d because he came from a family, where he never saw parents fight. He\u2019s like, \u201cIf they did fight, they went behind closed doors.\u201d He had <em>never<\/em>, in his 27 years of life, seen his parents fight; whereas, I only saw parents fight. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>6:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, we were just coming at marriage from two completely different perspectives, and we just talked about expectations. We talked about roles and responsibilities \/ what we each wanted. That was\u2014I think the beginning of us really trying to figure out what we wanted our marriage to look like. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And I just have to step in here and say, \u201cI run into couples all the time\u201d\u2014you do too\u2014\u201cat our <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup> marriage getaways, who are hearing about expectations, and about roles and responsibilities, and about how to do healthy conflict; and for many of them, it\u2019s the first time anybody has every told them these things.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u201cThey\u2019ve never had this baseline of what a healthy relationship should look like; and they go: \u2018I wish we\u2019d heard this six years ago,\u201d or \u201c\u202616 years ago,\u2019\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014or \u201c\u2018\u202640 years ago,\u2019\u2014I mean, we get couples like that\u2014\u2018I wish somebody had told us this, back at the beginning.\u2019\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>7:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI\u2019d just encourage listeners\u2014if you\u2019ve never been to a <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaway, you\u2019ll be surprised at what you learn there that does set expectations for a healthy relationship.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> If I may, Elizabeth, let me ask you a question. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> Sure. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> So, obviously, you had a great desire to be pleasing to your husband \/ to provide and create an environment where he felt loved; and that\u2019s great. It also seems like there was a concern on the flipside of that. Your desire was to be pleasing, but your concern was: \u201cIf I\u2019m not pleasing\u2026\u201d\u2014what? Could you put words on that?\u2014what was the fear? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> I wanted to create a peaceful home, I think, because I had grown up with such an environment of chaos and constant tension. I wanted a home that was stable and calm. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> And there we have it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Right? There\u2019s the connection to the past. Her book is about mending broken branches. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen people do what you just did\u2014recognize that something\u2019s fueling me \/ something\u2019s driving me to take this certain course of action in my marriage relationship\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>8:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014or what have you: \u201cWhat is that that is driving me?\u201d \u201cOh! I grew up with chaos. I don\u2019t want to repeat that. I don\u2019t want my husband to feel disappointed. I don\u2019t feel secure about being a wife, and I\u2019m not exactly sure what that looks like. I never really saw that modeled. I don\u2019t want to mess up. I don\u2019t want him to be disappointed in me.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAll of those concerns are fueling your four-course meal activity, so you go from chaos to control; right? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> Yes! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> That\u2019s who you are, and that drives you. If you can identify that\u2014like you\u2019ve done\u2014then, all of a sudden, you go: \u201cWait a minute! Are those fears legitimate? Is that real? What\u2019s the truth?\u201d \u201cWell, the truth is: \u2018My husband loves me,\u2019 \/ the truth is: \u2018God loves me.\u2019 I think I can mess up, every once in a while; and it won\u2019t mean chaos like I grew up with.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAll of a sudden, you relax; your expectations get adjusted; you and your husband fall more in line with one another rather than inadvertently working against one another\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>9:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014that\u2019s the beauty of what Elizabeth is writing about in this book. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> That dance is difficult enough with the right blueprints\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Right! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014but if you are coming from a background\u2014like Elizabeth did, where she didn\u2019t have any\u2014it was a blank slate\u2014at that point, there\u2019s where you go back to what Bob was talking about earlier. You need to get the right blueprints to know how to build this thing called marriage and learn how to dance and to be in sync with one another. The <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em>\u2014I think that\u2019s its strength. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI just want to add to what you said, Bob\u2014encouraging listeners to come. They may be thinking, \u201cOh, that conference is just for people in trouble.\u201d No; it\u2019s for all people. When you come on Friday night, and they ask, \u201cHow many of you here have never been to a marriage conference?\u201d\u2014and Bob what happens? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> The majority of people raise their hands. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> It is 60\/75\/80 percent of the hands go up. You\u2019re in good company\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes; right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014other people wanting to find the blueprints of how you go about building your marriage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>10:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFor you, Elizabeth\u2014you and your husband stumbled onto the issue of boundaries, early on, in your marriage relationship; and that was a huge benefit to you. Explain what boundaries are\u2014at least, how you applied them in your life\u2014and then what the benefits were to you and Brandon in your marriage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> Boundaries are teaching other people how they are allowed to treat you. The benefit to us was that we were allowed to say, \u201cThis is how you can treat us, and we are not going to feel guilty about it.\u201d I think, being raised in the home I was raised in, I was taught that I was allowed to be treated any way that people wanted to treat me; and if I spoke up about it, then, there were consequences. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBoundaries gave me permission to have a voice, and it gave Brandon and me unity. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>11:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat was really powerful for us, because I had never had a voice in my family of origin. And Brandon is such a peacemaker\u2014he is very compassionate, very kind, very laidback and easygoing\u2014which is why I loved him, because I grew up in such chaos and such a volatile environment that I was drawn to his easygoing nature; but on the flipside, he also tends to let things go. He will fully admit this. He will not mind me sharing this, because we talk about this with our\u2014you know, on our marriage retreats that we lead and classes that we teach. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen it would come to dealing with my family of origin, he would just let things go and not stand up for me or not voice concerns just because that\u2019s his nature. When we read through <em>Boundaries \/ <\/em>talked to older mentor couples about boundaries, it really gave us a voice. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>12:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt allowed us to say: \u201cYou know what? This is how we want our marriage to look. This is how we want our family to look. This is what we will tolerate and what we will not tolerate for the health of our marriage and our family.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> What I love about what you\u2019re saying is\u2014you know, here you are reading, studying, talking, exploring together as a couple\u2014\u2014to have that attitude that says: \u201cWe need to learn; we need to be moldable. Let\u2019s help each other overcome and move past where we have come from\u2014you know, what we know \/ the rules, so to speak,\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cof how things should be\u2014and now, we\u2019re discovering, \u2018Hey, it can be more than that,\u2019\u201d and you\u2019re helping each other. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Ron:<\/strong> What a spirit of cooperation. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Well, this is where, as I talk with couples about this\u2014and I did this, just recently, at a <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em>\u2014I said: \u201cWe have a tendency to say, \u2018The issue we are dealing with is <em>you\u2019<\/em>; rather than us saying: \u2018Let\u2019s name the issue. Let\u2019s identify the issue. Let\u2019s put the issue on the table. Let\u2019s, together, talk about the issue,\u2019\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>13:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014and not personalize the issue and make the person the issue\u2014but let\u2019s say, \u2018Okay; what are the issues?\u2019\u2014and take us out of it\u2014\u2018And then, <em>together<\/em>, let\u2019s figure out a strategy for dealing with this issue that works for both of us.\u2019\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Earlier, Elizabeth, you were talking about you and your husband having a fight. Some of our listeners, when they hear that, they think of a boxing match, where two people are slugging each other. [Laughter] Well, it may be happening with words\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014but it\u2019s an argument; it\u2019s a disagreement; it\u2019s differences that are working their way out between two imperfect people. It\u2019s why we need the blueprints for building a marriage and knowing how to resolve conflict. You two did not know how to have a healthy conflict, and how to have a disagreement, and work through it all the way through to forgiveness but also to restoration. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> We do now, but we did not. We were in an unhealthy pattern of\u2014we would disagree, and I would get <em>really<\/em> upset and really angry. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>14:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI would say really harsh words; and he would think, \u201cOh my goodness! We\u2019re getting a divorce\u201d; so he would retreat; then, I would get even angrier. And he would try to work toward me; then, I would retreat. Here we have two people retreating, so nothing was getting resolved. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> It\u2019s hard to dance if you\u2019re retreating. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> It really is! [Laughter] When you have two turtles, who are tucking into their turtle shells, nothing is happening! [Laughter] And we were retreating for different reasons. I was retreating because I had only seen arguments solved in violent or unhealthy ways. He was retreating because he\u2019d never seen his parents solve conflict in a healthy way <em>and<\/em> because of his personality type\u2014because he is sort of that laidback, you know, more peaceful type. He just doesn\u2019t like conflict. I don\u2019t like conflict, because I\u2019m afraid of conflict. We just\u2014we come at it in different ways. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, yes; we just had to learn that conflict can be healthy. It can <em>move<\/em> you toward resolution and reconciliation. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>15:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt can be healthy <em>and<\/em> biblical. We\u2019ve had to work really hard\u2014we\u2019re going on 17 years of marriage. We don\u2019t always get it right, but we try. It takes a lot of humility, I think, to pursue conflict in a healthy way. I\u2019m much more prideful than my husband is. Fortunately, he is the one who usually takes the first step; but I\u2019m working on that. He\u2019s very patient with me. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Welcome to the process. [Laughter] We\u2019re all working on it too. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOne of the things you talk about in your book, <em>Mending Broken Branches<\/em>, is deconstruct your past and let go of old ways. As you just were talking there, I was thinking: \u201cThe old ways for you were anger, and loud, and the loudest person wins\u2014or something like that\u2014that\u2019s kind of what you learned. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> \u201cFor him\u2014he didn\u2019t know what conflict looked like, so the old ways for him were: \u2018Oh, no; we don\u2019t have any conflict. That should never happen, and we should get really afraid if it does happen.\u2019\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>16:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHow do you talk to yourself in a way that lets go of the old ways? I mean, what\u2019s that process like for people; do you think? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> I think you have to think about: \u201cWhat is your goal?\u201d What Brandon repeated to me\u2014and I write about this in the book\u2014he said the best thing to me during our first year of marriage; and he repeated it to me\u2014I am not exaggerating\u2014he probably said it a hundred times\u2014was: \u201cWe are on the same team,\u201d \u201cWe\u2019re on the same team.\u201d That concept to me was so foreign because of what I saw, growing up, and the short marriages that I saw was\u2014you know, my mom and my stepdad fighting against one another\u2014I really saw people who were just looking out for their own interests. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTo see it\u2014to hear him talk about a team concept of \u201cYou mean, we are working <em>with<\/em> one another?!\u201d I didn\u2019t grow up playing any team sports, so that team concept was foreign to me also; so he would explain it: \u201cI\u2019m for you. I am for you. I want what is best for both of us.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Okay; what he said was brilliant\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>17:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Ron:<\/strong> \u2014and foreign to you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> How did you tell yourself to adopt that? To me, that\u2019s like\u2014it\u2019s\u2014because it\u2019s one thing to hear, \u201cOh, we\u2019re a team\u201d; it\u2019s another thing to go, \u201cNow, how do I put that into action?\u201d How did you move yourself in that direction? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> It probably took that whole first year of marriage\u2014it was just repetition, repetition\u2014and finally, it just sunk in. I think just a lot of trust \/ a lot of patience. You know, I think, people who come from broken branches, that\u2019s one thing\u2014people let us down. For him to faithfully spend that year\u2014of just repeating that over, and over, and over\u2014and him showing me: \u201cI really am for you. I really am for <em>us<\/em>. I\u2019m not in this for myself. I\u2019m not trying to get something for my own selfish needs.\u201d After seeing that consistency for a year, I was able to let that sink in. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> There\u2019s a takeaway\u2014repetition. When you\u2019re trying to overcome something in your past, don\u2019t expect it to go away quickly. Stay after it\u2014keep trying; keep trying; keep trying; keep trying. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>18:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Well, the way we encourage couples to apply the same principle is to say: \u201cI am on the same team. You\u2019re not my enemy.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> \u2014enemy. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Your spouse is not your enemy. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> Right; yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> We repeat this over and over again. For a lot of couples, that\u2019s an epiphany: \u201cI\u2019ve never thought that my spouse is not my enemy. I always thought they were an obstacle. I thought they were against me, but they really are for me.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> It was an epiphany for her; right?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> It was! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Even though you hear that truth, it\u2019s hard to grab it. It\u2019s like: \u201cOkay; but I don\u2019t know what that means. What do I, now, <em>do<\/em> with that?\u201d That\u2019s where the repetition and keep working comes in. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> This is where I go to Romans 12:2, which is that great verse, where Paul says, \u201cDon\u2019t be conformed\u201d\u2014by the culture \/ by the world; don\u2019t be conformed by the patterns you saw in the past that were destructive, unhealthy patterns; don\u2019t let that mold you and shape you into the wife you\u2019re trying to be today\u2014\u201cinstead be transformed\u201d\u2014how?\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>19:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014\u201cby having your mind renewed [with truth]\u201d\u2014the truth of God\u2019s Word. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tEvery time Brandon would say to you, \u201cWe\u2019re on the same team,\u201d he was saying: \u201cThis is what\u2019s true here. I know the old patterns that are here, but here\u2019s what\u2019s true. We\u2019re on the same team.\u201d It was the repetition of that truth that finally broke through and said: \u201cWe are on the same team. I can trust that. I can put my weight against that, and it\u2019s not going to collapse. I am safe here.\u201d Now, you can walk differently. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> There is so much weight in what you just said. It\u2019s not just Romans 12\u2014you know, it\u2019s Romans 8: \u201cThe life controlled by the flesh is death. The mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace.\u201d It\u2019s Colossians, Chapter 3: \u201cTake off the old and put on the new.\u201d You\u2019ve got to think about what you are becoming. It\u2019s Philippians 4: \u201cWhatever is good and right and noble and praiseworthy, think on these things.\u201d That\u2019s how you renew your mind. The fact that that principle is repeated throughout the New Testament ought to tell us something. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>20:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> It\u2019s a theme; isn\u2019t it? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> It is a theme, and it\u2019s the pathway out of the old. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And you\u2019ve got to have blueprints to get out of the old and to establish the right kind of format for building your marriage and family. At the beginning of the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em>, we say, \u201cEvery marriage in this room is either moving toward oneness or you\u2019re moving toward isolation.\u201d The natural tendency of marriage is to move toward isolation for the very reasons Elizabeth outlined earlier. You\u2019ve got two broken people from two different perspectives; and if they don\u2019t have something that pulls them together in oneness, the natural drift of that relationship is <em>apart<\/em>\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Elizabeth:<\/strong> That\u2019s right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014two turtles pulling their heads in. [Laughter] That\u2019s why I just want to go back and kind of put a double underline\u2014get Elizabeth\u2019s book. This book, <em>Mending Broken Branches<\/em>, will help restore. It\u2019ll do some tree service\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014some family tree service\u2014[Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> It is pruning. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014in your home. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>21:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAlso, go online and check out the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em>. There\u2019s a reason why these conferences have been around for over 41 years. They\u2019re not advertised around who is speaking. They\u2019re advertised around the biblical blueprints for how you achieve that <em>oneness<\/em> that we\u2019re talking about here. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes; if the background of your family\u2014as you look at it today, you would say, \u201cI didn\u2019t grow up in a healthy relationship environment,\u201d\u2014then, this is a book that will help get you there. If the background of your family was healthy\u2014it doesn\u2019t matter where you were on the continuum\u2014the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> can be helpful as you seek to build a strong, healthy marriage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe\u2019ve got information about both\u2014the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> and Elizabeth Oates\u2019 book, <em>Mending Broken Branches<\/em>. You\u2019ll find the information at our website, FamilyLifeToday.com. You can order copies of the book or start now to register for an upcoming weekend getaway. Go to FamilyLifeToday.com for more information about these resources. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>22:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOr call us if you have any questions or if you\u2019d like to order by phone: 1-800-FL-TODAY\u20141-800-358-6329\u2014that\u2019s 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d Again, the website: FamilyLifeToday.com. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, we recognize, here, at FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> that not all families function the same way. There are unhealthy patterns of relating and communicating in a lot of families, and we believe the Bible gives us answers on how to correct those issues. It begins when we understand that we need to get our relationship with God right through Jesus Christ \/ become children of God; and then empowered by His Spirit, we are able to have human relationships that show love, and humility, and kindness, and care. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHere, at FamilyLife, our goal is to effectively develop godly marriages and families. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>23:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe do that every day through this radio program, on our website, through our events, the resources we create; but the goal of all of it is still the same\u2014to provide practical biblical help and hope for your marriage and your family. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe want to say, \u201cThank you,\u201d to those of you who help make all of this possible\u2014those of you who donate to support this ministry and, especially, those of you who are monthly Legacy Partners. We are grateful for your ongoing support of this ministry. If you\u2019re able to help with a donation during the month of June, we\u2019d love to say, \u201cThank you,\u201d by sending you Barbara Rainey\u2019s book, <em>Letters to My Daughters<\/em>. This is a book she wrote that actually began as letters written to her married daughters about how to navigate marriage, and life, and parenthood. Those letters, ultimately, became this book; and the wisdom is now being shared with tens of thousands of young women all across the country. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe book is our gift to you when you make a donation today to support the ministry of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>24:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou can donate, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com; or you can call 1-800-FL-TODAY to donate; or you can mail your donation to us at <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> at PO Box 7111, Little Rock, AR; and our zip code is 72223. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, tomorrow, we want to talk about the chapter in Elizabeth Oates\u2019 life where she and her husband had to put some boundaries in place in her relationship with her mom. That was tricky. We\u2019ll talk more about that tomorrow. I hope you can be with us for that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\tHelp for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2018 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>","theme_header_position":"","post_header_is_sticky":"","is_header_overlay":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast\/300251","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/podcast"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/91"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=300251"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/294104"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=300251"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=300251"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=300251"},{"taxonomy":"podcast_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast_series?post=300251"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=300251"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=300251"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}