{"id":300195,"date":"2018-04-05T11:00:00","date_gmt":"2018-04-05T15:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/tips-for-blending-a-family\/"},"modified":"2024-10-07T22:41:22","modified_gmt":"2024-10-08T02:41:22","slug":"tips-for-blending-a-family","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/tips-for-blending-a-family\/","title":{"rendered":"Tips for Blending a Family"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Ron Deal joins Steve and Misty Arterburn to talk about the complexities of a second marriage. Steve and Misty both experienced divorce in their first marriages. The Arterburns share what they have done to make their marriage work.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2018-04-05.mp3","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:28:37","filesize":"26.2M","filesize_raw":"27477629","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2859,2858],"tags":[2585,4328,4033,4329,4327],"podcast_series":[7205],"cwp_profile":[3300,3288],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-300195","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-dating-and-preparing-for-marriage","category-stepparenting-skills","tag-blended-family","tag-building-a-family","tag-divorce","tag-firm-foundation","tag-second-marriage","podcast_series-blended-family-tips","cwp_profile-ron-deal","cwp_profile-steve-and-misty-arterburn","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/300195\/tips-for-blending-a-family","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/300195\/tips-for-blending-a-family","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"wqzJwdffiN\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/tips-for-blending-a-family\/\">Tips for Blending a Family<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/tips-for-blending-a-family\/embed\/#?secret=wqzJwdffiN\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Tips for Blending a Family&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"wqzJwdffiN\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2018-04-05.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2018-04-05.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<strong>Bob: <\/strong>When Steve and Misty Arterburn married, they brought children into the newly-formed blended family, but Steve says they wanted to make sure that the children knew what their relationship with their new mom and dad was all about.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Steve: <\/strong>We did <em>not<\/em> want to be step-parents\u2014step-parents get stepped on. We wanted to be a bonus into their lives, so we claim ourselves as bonus parents and kind of come at it as a benevolent aunt or uncle would, in the very beginning, and <em>earn<\/em> their respect and ask permission, really, to be in their lives.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Thursday, April 5<sup>th<\/sup>. Our host is Dennis Rainey; I'm Bob Lepine. We\u2019ll hear from Steve and Misty Arterburn today about some of the things they learned as they blended a family together\u2014some of the challenges they faced along the way. Stay with us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>1:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. We\u2019re going to tackle a subject today that can be a little difficult to navigate. Our listeners know that we urge couples to keep their covenant \/ to stay married. Sometimes couples, for reasons that are beyond themselves, their marriages don\u2019t survive. That puts them in a position to go, \u201cOkay; what do I do now?\u201d We have some friends who are going to help have that conversation with us today.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>We do. Steve and Misty Arterburn join us on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Misty\/Steve, welcome back.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Misty: <\/strong>Thank you so much.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Steve: <\/strong>Thank you. It\u2019s great to be here.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>You guys both experienced divorce separately; and then began to date and, ultimately, got married. The thing that really resonates with Bob and me is that you brought your church into your relationship\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>2:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Steve: <\/strong>Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014to bring a sense of biblical judgment, and sound advice, and counsel as you established this relationship.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Well, and as you guys start to talk about this, we should acknowledge, as well, that our friend, Ron Deal, is joining us today.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I wasn\u2019t ignoring him. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I know you weren\u2019t, but I wanted our listeners to know he\u2019s in the studio with us. Ron gives leadership to the blended family initiative, here, at FamilyLife. We thought this is a conversation you need to be in on with us\u2014nice to have you here.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Glad to be here. Certainly glad to be with the Arterburns.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Steve: <\/strong>Yes; we hope we represent a smart stepfamily for you. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Well said\u2014well said.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>I think you do.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Steve: <\/strong>No; we really did, from the beginning, work with our pastors on overcoming some obstacles. Both of us felt like we met the biblical criteria for divorce and for remarriage, and that was kind of the foundation first.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Misty: <\/strong>We had a lot of people speaking into our lives\u2014we invited a lot of people into our relationship\u2014but also each of our own individual healing paths that we were on. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>3:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen you start dating someone, you don\u2019t know if this is going to end up in a marriage. The main goal was just for me to continue being healthy, and healing, and growing, and raising my boys to be healthy, and strong, and healing as well. Steve was on a path like that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Well, here\u2019s the way I think about the kind of situation both of you were in. I follow pro sports. I know, sometimes, a guy will sustain an injury that knocks him out for the season. He has to go to the doctors; he has to get bones reset; he has a lot of work that has to happen \/ there\u2019s some rehab that has to happen. The doctors want to make sure that, before they even think about him being back in the game, he\u2019s not going to tear something fresh.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Misty: <\/strong>Right; yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Steve: <\/strong>Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>So, when your first marriages ended, you were where all people are in that moment\u2014you were hurting and out of the game for a while. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>4:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Misty: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>What was the process of beginning rehab and realignment for you during those first few months after the divorce happened?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Misty: <\/strong>Well, it was a bit like walking off of a cliff. I mean, I didn\u2019t know if I\u2019d survive it either. I cried every day, for about four years, during the process and after the divorce\u2014a lot of pain \/ a lot of pain. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI had a mentor\u2014a female mentor in the church\u2014and we met regularly. She, not only covered me in prayer, but just gave me daily practical advice and encouragement. The elders of my church were involved\u2014they were looking out for me. I went two cycles through the divorce care recovery material, which was phenomenal and very, very healing. I just got into a community of people that are: everybody healing\u2014and we\u2019re all looking at our wounds, and we\u2019re getting input, and we\u2019re humbling down. It was a time when, actually, spiritually, it\u2019s a really precious time in my life.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>5:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, going through it was <em>horrific<\/em>; but it is a treasure to me now. I <em>lived<\/em> in the Psalms, and I just prayed those prayers, and I had experienced God in a new way. I couldn\u2019t know Him as a comforter at the level that I met Him during that very, very dark season. Those were some of the things I did.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Steve: <\/strong>Yes; and when I met Misty\u2014I just met her one time. I didn\u2019t ever talk with her for a long time after that; but as we did get to know each other, a year or so later, I was so impressed by her connection in church, and with her pastors, and mentors. We swapped counselors before we decided we could get married.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut for me, you know, I was surrounded by all these\u2014the <em>best<\/em> Christian counselors\u2014like Henry Cloud, John Townsend, and all these other folks\u2014and then I went to see a counselor. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>6:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI had an assistant who said: \u201cBy the way, you need to get some help. You look really bad,\u201d\u2014and I did. It was the darkest time of my life\u2014the pain. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI discovered something so strange\u2014that my pain was fear\u2014I just never associated fear and pain. I just thought fear was anxiety\u2014fear\u2014but it was so painful. I went to see this guy, Milan Yerkovich, who wrote a book called <em>How We Love<\/em>. He said to me, \u201cI\u2019m going to help you get your life back.\u201d I just burst into tears, because I didn\u2019t have a life. I would say my life was absolutely, totally, completely black for six months before I could even see any ray of hope or sunshine. It\u2019s been a very, very difficult process. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI would want to just say this, as a disclaimer\u2014that we\u2019ve been married almost 13 years, but we\u2019re not a poster child for remarriage\u2014it\u2019s <em>hard<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>7:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI was so fortunate to meet her. She wasn\u2019t <em>desperate<\/em>\u2014she decided to marry me\u2014desperation didn\u2019t decide to marry me. So often, it\u2019s desperation that makes that decision.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>You know, I\u2019m sitting here, listening to them talk, guys\u2014and Dennis, I just have to say\u2014we\u2019re hearing from them how it should be. I mean, they did it right. Misty, I wrote it down\u2014you said you were dedicated to healing, you were walking with God, [and] you threw yourself into a community. Steve, you got counsel \/ multiple counsel\u2014you know, allowed others to speak into your life. It was dark; you endured the darkness.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, I think one of the big mistakes people make is\u2014they run from their pain; and they run into a new relationship, because that makes you feel good\u2014so then that sets you up for making poor decisions. But you <em>endured<\/em> the pain\u2014you listened to God \/ you saw Him in it\u2014you\u2014and still, even then, that doesn\u2019t necessarily make you the poster child for an easy transition into a stepfamily life; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Misty: <\/strong>No.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>8:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>And that\u2019s the thing that I would want our listeners to catch\u2014is that, even when we do this the right way and you seek God in it, it doesn\u2019t just necessarily turn on all the lights in your life and everything is perfect; but there is a <em>better<\/em> way to go through the process and a way that makes things even harder.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>You both have five children.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Steve: <\/strong>Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Misty, you brought two children in; Steve, you one; and then you had two together. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Misty: <\/strong>Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>What did your children that you had prior to your marriage together\u2014what did they think when you started dating?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Misty: <\/strong>Well, we waited quite awhile before we introduced each other, because we don\u2019t want to introduce our children to people that they may attach to and then not stick around.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Steve: <\/strong>Not a good thing.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Misty: <\/strong>So we were very, very careful about that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Steve: <\/strong>And so often, when people get married, they\u2019re all excited about getting married; and the kids view it as a hostile takeover\u2014they don\u2019t want any part of it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Misty: <\/strong>Or they may idealize that, \u201cOh, this is going to be <em>great<\/em>\u2014this new person coming in,\u201d and that doesn\u2019t happen a lot.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>9:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>And I wonder, too, if maybe the parent is hoping that the child will help make the selection of a new spouse for them.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Misty: <\/strong>Yes; sure.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Steve: <\/strong>Oh, it\u2019s so true; and of course, often, the child\u2014especially the younger children\u2014they\u2019re wanting to cling onto anything that looks like something more than what they have. You really have to avoid that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTo answer your question about my daughter\u2014what <em>she<\/em> felt about Misty was: \u201cHey, she comes to my soccer games,\u201d\u2014at that time, soccer was everything\u2014\u201c\u2026not only comes, but she yells \/ she\u2019s engaged\u201d; and \u201cShe plays volleyball with me outside,\u201d and \u201cShe takes me on trips.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBoth of us came at this\u2014we did <em>not<\/em> want to be step-parents. We wanted to be a bonus to them; so we claim ourselves as bonus parents. Step-parents get stepped on; so we wanted to be a bonus into their life and kind of come at it as a benevolent aunt or uncle would, in the very beginning, and <em>earn<\/em> their respect and ask permission, really, to be in their lives versus: \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>10:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Step-parent speaking to child] \u201cHey, I\u2019m going to marry your mother,\u201d or \u201c\u2026your father. You will respect me. I will be the disciplinarian.\u201d That is the absolute <em>worst<\/em> scenario; and as you know, Ron, it\u2019s so common.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I want to pull back from the parenting angle for just a second and go back to your relationship with one another.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Steve: <\/strong>Okay.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>What was the gap for you, Misty, between when the divorce was final and when you started dating again?\u2014how long?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Misty: <\/strong>I can\u2019t remember\u2014I think it was close to a year \/ somewhere in there. In fact, the moment I took my ring off I started getting requests. My mentor suggested, \u201cWhy don\u2019t you put one of those purity rings on your finger and just keep the flies away?\u201d\u2014she said. [Laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat was <em>really<\/em> wise counsel, and I did it. I had several months just to focus on myself. I did\u2014I made mistakes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>11:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI don\u2019t want it to sound like, \u201cOh, I did it right.\u201d Dating was kind of messy, and you do\u2014your heart is gaping open\u2014and it just takes time to heal. But I had so much support.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>And Steve, how long for you\u2014from the time you were divorced and you started dating?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Steve: <\/strong>It was about a year. I had this\u2014I made commitment to John Townsend and Henry Cloud that I would not marry the first person that was nice to me, because they knew I was hurting and they felt like I could just fall into a trap. They said, \u201cYou must commit to date 20 people before you ever decide that you\u2019ve found\u2026\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>What did you think when you first heard them say that?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Steve: <\/strong>\u201cOh, okay. Let\u2019s see\u2014that ought to take about five years to do that.\u201d [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes; because you had a life with your children.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Steve: <\/strong>Yes; I did.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>And did you do it?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Steve: <\/strong>I did; absolutely.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>And looking back, was there wisdom in it?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Steve: <\/strong>Oh, it was so smart. And of course, I\u2019ve recommended it to other people. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>12:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMisty was the third person I went out with.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>She had to wait through 17 more?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Steve: <\/strong>Well\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Misty: <\/strong>I was not a fan of that season. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Steve: <\/strong>But she said, \u201cI don\u2019t want to be a part of this, so I\u2019m going to\u2026\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Misty: <\/strong>I did. I stepped out; and I said, \u201cI know you have to do what you have to do. I can\u2019t be a part of that, so I\u2019m just going to hang back. You go do what you have to do, and we\u2019ll see.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Steve: <\/strong>But what it did\u2014and it will do for anybody\u2014is I have <em>no question<\/em> that there is nobody out there that would ever be better for me\u2014I\u2019ve resolved all of that. I didn\u2019t rush into anything; and it provided some security for me, where I could fully, fully commit and not have one question mark in the back of my mind.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Misty: <\/strong>And to add to that, it\u2019s not 20 romantic relationships.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Steve: <\/strong>No, no, no.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Misty: <\/strong>It was 20 dates\u2014meet 20 different people\u2014just interact and get yourself having conversations again.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>That didn\u2019t include a speed dating night, where you got seven out of the way; did you? [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Steve: <\/strong>No; but\u2014don\u2019t tell John and Henry\u2014but it did include standing next to somebody in Starbucks and saying, \u201cHey, how are you doing?\u201d and all of that. [Laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>13:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo it wasn\u2019t a full 20\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Sixty-second rule!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Steve: <\/strong>Yes; it wasn\u2019t 20 dinners, you know.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>You know, the brilliance to me of that little strategy is\u2014I don\u2019t think there\u2019s anything special about the number 20. The point is\u2014when you were going on one, two\u2026five\u2026ten\u2026fifteen\u2026\u2014you told yourself: \u201cThis is not going to be the one. I\u2019m not throwing all of myself and my eggs into that basket. I have to have some discipline to measure how much I invest in this person and this relationship, because there are some other things that I have to do.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Steve: <\/strong>And it provided time\u2014to do that exercise provided time. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd here was the thing\u2014Misty is absolutely beautiful and has a great smile, and that\u2019s what I was attracted to\u2014first time that I met her. I kind of, a year later, thought, \u201cThat\u2019d be great if we had a date.\u201d Then, when we dated, there was this wisdom\u2014she\u2019s been in recovery for all this [time] \/ she had been in a process, and I was blown away by what was inside. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>14:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAll these other people would just be other people, and I had something to compare them to\u2014there was never any question. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut again, when somebody goes and marries\u2014well, you know this\u2014they have an affair with somebody, and they marry the person they have the affair with\u2014I mean, it\u2019s just a disaster waiting to happen.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>\u2014a disaster; yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>One of the things I appreciate about both of you guys is\u2014you\u2019re authentic and transparent, and you\u2019re open about who you are. I want to know\u2014in the time following your divorce, before you started dating, you had to come, face to face, with some parts of your own self that maybe you hadn\u2019t seen before that had to be addressed \/ had to be confronted. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Steve: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>What were those\u2014I\u2019m asking what those\u2014I\u2019m getting nosy! What were the ugly parts you found in there?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Misty: <\/strong>[Laughter] Well, yes; it wasn\u2019t pretty. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>15:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI was married, and addiction was part of our marriage before. I was very righteous about the way that I handled that and eager to put him down\u2014very, very hurtful. I was going through trauma. Co-dependency and trauma mirror each other a lot. My counselor suggested that maybe I\u2019d want to go to a recovery meeting. I stepped into a 12-step group for the first time and began to see that I really do contribute to the darkness\u2014that I am capable of great darkness. I started the process of humbling down.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI would say, before I got into recovery, I lived a life very much in <em>reaction<\/em> to what someone else was doing. My whole life was <em>defined<\/em> about the other person, and where they are, and how their actions and behaviors are. I didn\u2019t have a sense of myself. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>16:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen I got into recovery, and therapy, and those things, I started to just discover \u201cWho am I?\u201d apart from all this chaos. I started to define what I believe \/ what I think about things: \u201cWhat\u2019s my favorite movie?\u201d\u2014I couldn\u2019t even answer simple questions like that; it was all defined through what another person was doing.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Steve: <\/strong>She did some hard work. When my therapist met with her, and then I met with her therapist, then it was revealed, \u201cShe hasn\u2019t just been sitting around, blaming all of this on this other guy.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFor me, Bob, I set out on a mission to let everybody know that I wasn\u2019t the bad guy. I talked to Dennis, Dobson\u2014I mean, anybody I could talk to, \u201cYes; you know, I\u2019m not the bad guy here.\u201d It was in counseling that I was confronted about that. I had to come to grips with: \u201cI was a donor here. I mean, I had contributed; and here\u2019s how\u2014out of my insecurity, my fear, out of my disconnection\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>17:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014and, really, no experience at heart-to-heart relationship.\u201d Boy, that was\u2014that was tough. And then I had to begin a forgiveness process, and my pride did not want that to happen. It was a tough battle in the beginning.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>What\u2019s really important here is that the process of recovering well through the divorce meant looking in the mirror for you guys, which had to come to your aid when you started dating and looking forward into the future.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn fact, I have a specific question for you, Misty\u2014that may or may not be related to what you just said \/ I\u2019m not sure\u2014but in the book that you guys wrote together, <em>The Mediterranean Love Plan<\/em>, you talk about the importance of attunement with one another, as husband and wife. You say in the book that, in the face of fear, you have a tendency to lean back towards self-protection. Do you mind talking about that a little bit?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Misty: <\/strong>Sure. Yes; I wall up. I\u2019m very good at barricading my heart. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>18:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAs a little girl, what I learned to do, when threatened, I would get bigger\u2014I would escalate, and I would just get louder and bigger. What that earned me, with my father\u2014whom I love and adore \/ he passed away about five years ago\u2014but when I did that, what I got in return was his respect. I was one who would go, toe to toe, with him. In other relationships in my life, though, it didn\u2019t earn respect\u2014it just kept this cycle of escalation, and I wasn\u2019t finding resolve.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>With your first husband, you got righteous in the light of his addiction\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Misty: <\/strong>I got angry; I got loud; I put him down; I criticized him.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Yes; you got bigger.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Misty: <\/strong>It wasn\u2019t my problem: \u201cI\u2019m not the one with an addiction,\u201d\u2014you know\u2014\u201cWhy do I have to go to meetings?\u201d\u2014just arrogant\/arrogant.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Yes; so that pattern continued into that relationship. Had you not done some really hard work, and been open and humble, you might have just carried that right into this marriage relationship.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Misty: <\/strong>Right; right\u2014yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>19:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s been a good humbling down \/ a good practice for me to look at my own darkness. In dating \/ in that single-mom zone dating, I did things that I was shocked about myself. I had to start coming to grips with, \u201cI have my own sicknesses.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt just gave me <em>so much<\/em> compassion. In my heart\u2014what I noticed happening\u2014was that judgment began to really decrease. I have <em>very<\/em> little judgment for any person, because I know they are wounded \/ that person is <em>suffering<\/em>. They\u2019re doing the best they can in a very messy world, and it takes us however long it takes us before we find answers. For some of us, it\u2019s a really long, messy process.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>You\u2019ve used the phrase three times\u2014\u2014you\u2019ve talked about \u201chumbling down.\u201d Instead of hunkering down, it\u2019s a humbling down. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>And Dennis, I think if somebody\u2019s going to move to a place, where they can pursue a healthy relationship, humbling down is an essential element there.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>20:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes; and really, at the heart of humbling down is being teachable\u2014learning from God and admitting your faults, your fears, your inadequacies\u2014and being teachable. That\u2019s really at the heart of a great marriage\u2014people who haven\u2019t been divorced \/ people who are just trying to make their existing marriage go the distance.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI\u2019m thinking of Romans, Chapter 12:1 and 2, where the Apostle Paul exhorts us to surrender our lives to make our lives a living sacrifice\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014yielded to God. And that\u2019s what you\u2019re describing when you talk about humbling down. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd it [Romans 12:1, 2] also talks about not being conformed to this world. We didn\u2019t get a chance to talk about it, but you guys didn\u2019t sleep together when you dated.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Steve: <\/strong>No; we didn\u2019t; no.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I just have to say\u2014I have a concern, within the Christian community, that our standards are more of a reflection of the world than they are of the Bible. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>21:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Steve: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>We really need to protect one another in this dating relationship; and we have a lot to learn, I believe, in how Steve and Misty handled this relationship.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes; and I would hope everybody who\u2019s listening today is either already planning to be a part of the <em>Blended &amp; Blessed<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup> livestream event that\u2019s coming up on Saturday, April 21<sup>st<\/sup>, or if you\u2019re not planning to already, you make plans today. This is something you can do in your living room \/ in your local church; or if you live near Charlotte, North Carolina, you can come join us at the site where the <em>Blended<\/em> &amp; <em>Blessed<\/em> livestream is going to be happening. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tRon Deal will be there; Steve and Misty Arterburn will be joining us\u2014Bill Butterworth, \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDr. Rick Rigsby, Michele Cushatt. There\u2019s more information at FamilyLifeToday.com. You can find out where a <em>Blended<\/em> <em>&amp;<\/em> Blessed event is happening in a city near where you live; or you can sign up to host one of these events, again, in your home or your church. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>22:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGo to FamilyLifeToday.com and plan to be a part of the 2018 <em>Blended &amp; Blessed<\/em> one-day livestream event, coming up on Saturday, April 21<sup>st<\/sup>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd if you\u2019re looking for help today, for yourself or for someone you know who is a part of a blended family, we have copies of resources that Ron Deal has created\u2014books and articles\u2014all available at FamilyLifeToday.com. You might want to check those out as well. Again, the website\u2014FamilyLifeToday.com\u2014or call 1-800-FL-TODAY if you\u2019d like to order any of the books or if you have any questions about the upcoming <em>Blended<\/em> <em>&amp;<\/em> Blessed one-day event.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, this weekend, we have eight FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup><em>Weekend to Remember<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup> marriage getaways happening from coast to coast\u2014from Washington, DC, all the way to Seattle. Among those who will be attending this weekend will be pastors and their spouses. For years, we have scholarshiped pastors and spouses to the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaway\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>23:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014we\u2019ve made sure that the registration fees are covered. We\u2019ve been able to do that because donors, like you, have contributed to the scholarship fund so that pastors and spouses could be at a <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em>, registration-free.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI wanted to make sure you knew that so you could invite your pastor to attend a getaway, knowing that the cost is covered; but I also wanted to let you know that our scholarship fund is starting to deplete. If you\u2019d like to help send a pastor \/ a couple to a <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaway\u2014if you\u2019d like to help cover the cost, you can make a contribution today to the FamilyLife Pastors\u2019 Scholarship Fund. Those funds will go directly toward covering the cost for pastors and spouses to be at a getaway. You can donate, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com; or you can call to donate: 1-800-FL-TODAY. Make your contribution to the Pastors\u2019 Scholarship Fund, and those funds will be designated for that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>24:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOr, if you just want to contribute to the ongoing work of FamilyLife, and the cost of producing and syndicating this daily radio program, you can always donate, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com; or call to donate: 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d And we appreciate your generosity. Thanks for partnering with us in this ministry.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd we hope you\u2019re back with us tomorrow. Ron Deal will be here, along with Steve and Misty Arterburn. We\u2019ll continue talking about being a step-parent and the challenges that go along with that. I hope you can tune in.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine. We will see you back tomorrow for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\tHelp for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2018 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>"],"_seopress_titles_title":[""],"_seopress_titles_desc":[""],"_seopress_robots_index":[""],"duration":["00:28:37"],"show_notes":[""],"_thumbnail_id":["294104"],"filesize":["26.2M"],"filesize_raw":["27477629"],"_uag_css_file_name":["uag-css-300195.css"],"_uag_js_file_name":["uag-js-300195.js"],"_uag_page_assets":["a:9:{s:3:\"css\";s:82560:\".wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-top svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-top .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: rgba(51,51,51,1);}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-bottom svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-bottom 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Deal joins Steve and Misty Arterburn to talk about the complexities of a second marriage. Steve and Misty both experienced divorce in their first marriages. The Arterburns share what they have done to make their marriage work.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2018-04-05.pdf","transcript_content":"<strong>Bob: <\/strong>When Steve and Misty Arterburn married, they brought children into the newly-formed blended family, but Steve says they wanted to make sure that the children knew what their relationship with their new mom and dad was all about.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Steve: <\/strong>We did <em>not<\/em> want to be step-parents\u2014step-parents get stepped on. We wanted to be a bonus into their lives, so we claim ourselves as bonus parents and kind of come at it as a benevolent aunt or uncle would, in the very beginning, and <em>earn<\/em> their respect and ask permission, really, to be in their lives.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Thursday, April 5<sup>th<\/sup>. Our host is Dennis Rainey; I'm Bob Lepine. We\u2019ll hear from Steve and Misty Arterburn today about some of the things they learned as they blended a family together\u2014some of the challenges they faced along the way. Stay with us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>1:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. We\u2019re going to tackle a subject today that can be a little difficult to navigate. Our listeners know that we urge couples to keep their covenant \/ to stay married. Sometimes couples, for reasons that are beyond themselves, their marriages don\u2019t survive. That puts them in a position to go, \u201cOkay; what do I do now?\u201d We have some friends who are going to help have that conversation with us today.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>We do. Steve and Misty Arterburn join us on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Misty\/Steve, welcome back.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Misty: <\/strong>Thank you so much.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Steve: <\/strong>Thank you. It\u2019s great to be here.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>You guys both experienced divorce separately; and then began to date and, ultimately, got married. The thing that really resonates with Bob and me is that you brought your church into your relationship\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>2:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Steve: <\/strong>Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014to bring a sense of biblical judgment, and sound advice, and counsel as you established this relationship.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Well, and as you guys start to talk about this, we should acknowledge, as well, that our friend, Ron Deal, is joining us today.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I wasn\u2019t ignoring him. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I know you weren\u2019t, but I wanted our listeners to know he\u2019s in the studio with us. Ron gives leadership to the blended family initiative, here, at FamilyLife. We thought this is a conversation you need to be in on with us\u2014nice to have you here.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Glad to be here. Certainly glad to be with the Arterburns.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Steve: <\/strong>Yes; we hope we represent a smart stepfamily for you. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Well said\u2014well said.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>I think you do.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Steve: <\/strong>No; we really did, from the beginning, work with our pastors on overcoming some obstacles. Both of us felt like we met the biblical criteria for divorce and for remarriage, and that was kind of the foundation first.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Misty: <\/strong>We had a lot of people speaking into our lives\u2014we invited a lot of people into our relationship\u2014but also each of our own individual healing paths that we were on. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>3:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen you start dating someone, you don\u2019t know if this is going to end up in a marriage. The main goal was just for me to continue being healthy, and healing, and growing, and raising my boys to be healthy, and strong, and healing as well. Steve was on a path like that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Well, here\u2019s the way I think about the kind of situation both of you were in. I follow pro sports. I know, sometimes, a guy will sustain an injury that knocks him out for the season. He has to go to the doctors; he has to get bones reset; he has a lot of work that has to happen \/ there\u2019s some rehab that has to happen. The doctors want to make sure that, before they even think about him being back in the game, he\u2019s not going to tear something fresh.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Misty: <\/strong>Right; yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Steve: <\/strong>Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>So, when your first marriages ended, you were where all people are in that moment\u2014you were hurting and out of the game for a while. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>4:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Misty: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>What was the process of beginning rehab and realignment for you during those first few months after the divorce happened?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Misty: <\/strong>Well, it was a bit like walking off of a cliff. I mean, I didn\u2019t know if I\u2019d survive it either. I cried every day, for about four years, during the process and after the divorce\u2014a lot of pain \/ a lot of pain. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI had a mentor\u2014a female mentor in the church\u2014and we met regularly. She, not only covered me in prayer, but just gave me daily practical advice and encouragement. The elders of my church were involved\u2014they were looking out for me. I went two cycles through the divorce care recovery material, which was phenomenal and very, very healing. I just got into a community of people that are: everybody healing\u2014and we\u2019re all looking at our wounds, and we\u2019re getting input, and we\u2019re humbling down. It was a time when, actually, spiritually, it\u2019s a really precious time in my life.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>5:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, going through it was <em>horrific<\/em>; but it is a treasure to me now. I <em>lived<\/em> in the Psalms, and I just prayed those prayers, and I had experienced God in a new way. I couldn\u2019t know Him as a comforter at the level that I met Him during that very, very dark season. Those were some of the things I did.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Steve: <\/strong>Yes; and when I met Misty\u2014I just met her one time. I didn\u2019t ever talk with her for a long time after that; but as we did get to know each other, a year or so later, I was so impressed by her connection in church, and with her pastors, and mentors. We swapped counselors before we decided we could get married.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut for me, you know, I was surrounded by all these\u2014the <em>best<\/em> Christian counselors\u2014like Henry Cloud, John Townsend, and all these other folks\u2014and then I went to see a counselor. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>6:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI had an assistant who said: \u201cBy the way, you need to get some help. You look really bad,\u201d\u2014and I did. It was the darkest time of my life\u2014the pain. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI discovered something so strange\u2014that my pain was fear\u2014I just never associated fear and pain. I just thought fear was anxiety\u2014fear\u2014but it was so painful. I went to see this guy, Milan Yerkovich, who wrote a book called <em>How We Love<\/em>. He said to me, \u201cI\u2019m going to help you get your life back.\u201d I just burst into tears, because I didn\u2019t have a life. I would say my life was absolutely, totally, completely black for six months before I could even see any ray of hope or sunshine. It\u2019s been a very, very difficult process. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI would want to just say this, as a disclaimer\u2014that we\u2019ve been married almost 13 years, but we\u2019re not a poster child for remarriage\u2014it\u2019s <em>hard<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>7:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI was so fortunate to meet her. She wasn\u2019t <em>desperate<\/em>\u2014she decided to marry me\u2014desperation didn\u2019t decide to marry me. So often, it\u2019s desperation that makes that decision.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>You know, I\u2019m sitting here, listening to them talk, guys\u2014and Dennis, I just have to say\u2014we\u2019re hearing from them how it should be. I mean, they did it right. Misty, I wrote it down\u2014you said you were dedicated to healing, you were walking with God, [and] you threw yourself into a community. Steve, you got counsel \/ multiple counsel\u2014you know, allowed others to speak into your life. It was dark; you endured the darkness.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, I think one of the big mistakes people make is\u2014they run from their pain; and they run into a new relationship, because that makes you feel good\u2014so then that sets you up for making poor decisions. But you <em>endured<\/em> the pain\u2014you listened to God \/ you saw Him in it\u2014you\u2014and still, even then, that doesn\u2019t necessarily make you the poster child for an easy transition into a stepfamily life; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Misty: <\/strong>No.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>8:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>And that\u2019s the thing that I would want our listeners to catch\u2014is that, even when we do this the right way and you seek God in it, it doesn\u2019t just necessarily turn on all the lights in your life and everything is perfect; but there is a <em>better<\/em> way to go through the process and a way that makes things even harder.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>You both have five children.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Steve: <\/strong>Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Misty, you brought two children in; Steve, you one; and then you had two together. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Misty: <\/strong>Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>What did your children that you had prior to your marriage together\u2014what did they think when you started dating?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Misty: <\/strong>Well, we waited quite awhile before we introduced each other, because we don\u2019t want to introduce our children to people that they may attach to and then not stick around.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Steve: <\/strong>Not a good thing.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Misty: <\/strong>So we were very, very careful about that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Steve: <\/strong>And so often, when people get married, they\u2019re all excited about getting married; and the kids view it as a hostile takeover\u2014they don\u2019t want any part of it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Misty: <\/strong>Or they may idealize that, \u201cOh, this is going to be <em>great<\/em>\u2014this new person coming in,\u201d and that doesn\u2019t happen a lot.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>9:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>And I wonder, too, if maybe the parent is hoping that the child will help make the selection of a new spouse for them.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Misty: <\/strong>Yes; sure.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Steve: <\/strong>Oh, it\u2019s so true; and of course, often, the child\u2014especially the younger children\u2014they\u2019re wanting to cling onto anything that looks like something more than what they have. You really have to avoid that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTo answer your question about my daughter\u2014what <em>she<\/em> felt about Misty was: \u201cHey, she comes to my soccer games,\u201d\u2014at that time, soccer was everything\u2014\u201c\u2026not only comes, but she yells \/ she\u2019s engaged\u201d; and \u201cShe plays volleyball with me outside,\u201d and \u201cShe takes me on trips.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBoth of us came at this\u2014we did <em>not<\/em> want to be step-parents. We wanted to be a bonus to them; so we claim ourselves as bonus parents. Step-parents get stepped on; so we wanted to be a bonus into their life and kind of come at it as a benevolent aunt or uncle would, in the very beginning, and <em>earn<\/em> their respect and ask permission, really, to be in their lives versus: \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>10:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Step-parent speaking to child] \u201cHey, I\u2019m going to marry your mother,\u201d or \u201c\u2026your father. You will respect me. I will be the disciplinarian.\u201d That is the absolute <em>worst<\/em> scenario; and as you know, Ron, it\u2019s so common.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I want to pull back from the parenting angle for just a second and go back to your relationship with one another.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Steve: <\/strong>Okay.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>What was the gap for you, Misty, between when the divorce was final and when you started dating again?\u2014how long?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Misty: <\/strong>I can\u2019t remember\u2014I think it was close to a year \/ somewhere in there. In fact, the moment I took my ring off I started getting requests. My mentor suggested, \u201cWhy don\u2019t you put one of those purity rings on your finger and just keep the flies away?\u201d\u2014she said. [Laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat was <em>really<\/em> wise counsel, and I did it. I had several months just to focus on myself. I did\u2014I made mistakes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>11:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI don\u2019t want it to sound like, \u201cOh, I did it right.\u201d Dating was kind of messy, and you do\u2014your heart is gaping open\u2014and it just takes time to heal. But I had so much support.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>And Steve, how long for you\u2014from the time you were divorced and you started dating?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Steve: <\/strong>It was about a year. I had this\u2014I made commitment to John Townsend and Henry Cloud that I would not marry the first person that was nice to me, because they knew I was hurting and they felt like I could just fall into a trap. They said, \u201cYou must commit to date 20 people before you ever decide that you\u2019ve found\u2026\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>What did you think when you first heard them say that?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Steve: <\/strong>\u201cOh, okay. Let\u2019s see\u2014that ought to take about five years to do that.\u201d [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes; because you had a life with your children.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Steve: <\/strong>Yes; I did.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>And did you do it?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Steve: <\/strong>I did; absolutely.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>And looking back, was there wisdom in it?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Steve: <\/strong>Oh, it was so smart. And of course, I\u2019ve recommended it to other people. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>12:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMisty was the third person I went out with.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>She had to wait through 17 more?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Steve: <\/strong>Well\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Misty: <\/strong>I was not a fan of that season. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Steve: <\/strong>But she said, \u201cI don\u2019t want to be a part of this, so I\u2019m going to\u2026\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Misty: <\/strong>I did. I stepped out; and I said, \u201cI know you have to do what you have to do. I can\u2019t be a part of that, so I\u2019m just going to hang back. You go do what you have to do, and we\u2019ll see.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Steve: <\/strong>But what it did\u2014and it will do for anybody\u2014is I have <em>no question<\/em> that there is nobody out there that would ever be better for me\u2014I\u2019ve resolved all of that. I didn\u2019t rush into anything; and it provided some security for me, where I could fully, fully commit and not have one question mark in the back of my mind.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Misty: <\/strong>And to add to that, it\u2019s not 20 romantic relationships.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Steve: <\/strong>No, no, no.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Misty: <\/strong>It was 20 dates\u2014meet 20 different people\u2014just interact and get yourself having conversations again.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>That didn\u2019t include a speed dating night, where you got seven out of the way; did you? [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Steve: <\/strong>No; but\u2014don\u2019t tell John and Henry\u2014but it did include standing next to somebody in Starbucks and saying, \u201cHey, how are you doing?\u201d and all of that. [Laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>13:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo it wasn\u2019t a full 20\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Sixty-second rule!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Steve: <\/strong>Yes; it wasn\u2019t 20 dinners, you know.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>You know, the brilliance to me of that little strategy is\u2014I don\u2019t think there\u2019s anything special about the number 20. The point is\u2014when you were going on one, two\u2026five\u2026ten\u2026fifteen\u2026\u2014you told yourself: \u201cThis is not going to be the one. I\u2019m not throwing all of myself and my eggs into that basket. I have to have some discipline to measure how much I invest in this person and this relationship, because there are some other things that I have to do.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Steve: <\/strong>And it provided time\u2014to do that exercise provided time. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd here was the thing\u2014Misty is absolutely beautiful and has a great smile, and that\u2019s what I was attracted to\u2014first time that I met her. I kind of, a year later, thought, \u201cThat\u2019d be great if we had a date.\u201d Then, when we dated, there was this wisdom\u2014she\u2019s been in recovery for all this [time] \/ she had been in a process, and I was blown away by what was inside. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>14:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAll these other people would just be other people, and I had something to compare them to\u2014there was never any question. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut again, when somebody goes and marries\u2014well, you know this\u2014they have an affair with somebody, and they marry the person they have the affair with\u2014I mean, it\u2019s just a disaster waiting to happen.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>\u2014a disaster; yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>One of the things I appreciate about both of you guys is\u2014you\u2019re authentic and transparent, and you\u2019re open about who you are. I want to know\u2014in the time following your divorce, before you started dating, you had to come, face to face, with some parts of your own self that maybe you hadn\u2019t seen before that had to be addressed \/ had to be confronted. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Steve: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>What were those\u2014I\u2019m asking what those\u2014I\u2019m getting nosy! What were the ugly parts you found in there?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Misty: <\/strong>[Laughter] Well, yes; it wasn\u2019t pretty. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>15:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI was married, and addiction was part of our marriage before. I was very righteous about the way that I handled that and eager to put him down\u2014very, very hurtful. I was going through trauma. Co-dependency and trauma mirror each other a lot. My counselor suggested that maybe I\u2019d want to go to a recovery meeting. I stepped into a 12-step group for the first time and began to see that I really do contribute to the darkness\u2014that I am capable of great darkness. I started the process of humbling down.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI would say, before I got into recovery, I lived a life very much in <em>reaction<\/em> to what someone else was doing. My whole life was <em>defined<\/em> about the other person, and where they are, and how their actions and behaviors are. I didn\u2019t have a sense of myself. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>16:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen I got into recovery, and therapy, and those things, I started to just discover \u201cWho am I?\u201d apart from all this chaos. I started to define what I believe \/ what I think about things: \u201cWhat\u2019s my favorite movie?\u201d\u2014I couldn\u2019t even answer simple questions like that; it was all defined through what another person was doing.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Steve: <\/strong>She did some hard work. When my therapist met with her, and then I met with her therapist, then it was revealed, \u201cShe hasn\u2019t just been sitting around, blaming all of this on this other guy.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFor me, Bob, I set out on a mission to let everybody know that I wasn\u2019t the bad guy. I talked to Dennis, Dobson\u2014I mean, anybody I could talk to, \u201cYes; you know, I\u2019m not the bad guy here.\u201d It was in counseling that I was confronted about that. I had to come to grips with: \u201cI was a donor here. I mean, I had contributed; and here\u2019s how\u2014out of my insecurity, my fear, out of my disconnection\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>17:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014and, really, no experience at heart-to-heart relationship.\u201d Boy, that was\u2014that was tough. And then I had to begin a forgiveness process, and my pride did not want that to happen. It was a tough battle in the beginning.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>What\u2019s really important here is that the process of recovering well through the divorce meant looking in the mirror for you guys, which had to come to your aid when you started dating and looking forward into the future.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn fact, I have a specific question for you, Misty\u2014that may or may not be related to what you just said \/ I\u2019m not sure\u2014but in the book that you guys wrote together, <em>The Mediterranean Love Plan<\/em>, you talk about the importance of attunement with one another, as husband and wife. You say in the book that, in the face of fear, you have a tendency to lean back towards self-protection. Do you mind talking about that a little bit?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Misty: <\/strong>Sure. Yes; I wall up. I\u2019m very good at barricading my heart. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>18:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAs a little girl, what I learned to do, when threatened, I would get bigger\u2014I would escalate, and I would just get louder and bigger. What that earned me, with my father\u2014whom I love and adore \/ he passed away about five years ago\u2014but when I did that, what I got in return was his respect. I was one who would go, toe to toe, with him. In other relationships in my life, though, it didn\u2019t earn respect\u2014it just kept this cycle of escalation, and I wasn\u2019t finding resolve.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>With your first husband, you got righteous in the light of his addiction\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Misty: <\/strong>I got angry; I got loud; I put him down; I criticized him.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Yes; you got bigger.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Misty: <\/strong>It wasn\u2019t my problem: \u201cI\u2019m not the one with an addiction,\u201d\u2014you know\u2014\u201cWhy do I have to go to meetings?\u201d\u2014just arrogant\/arrogant.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Yes; so that pattern continued into that relationship. Had you not done some really hard work, and been open and humble, you might have just carried that right into this marriage relationship.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Misty: <\/strong>Right; right\u2014yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>19:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s been a good humbling down \/ a good practice for me to look at my own darkness. In dating \/ in that single-mom zone dating, I did things that I was shocked about myself. I had to start coming to grips with, \u201cI have my own sicknesses.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt just gave me <em>so much<\/em> compassion. In my heart\u2014what I noticed happening\u2014was that judgment began to really decrease. I have <em>very<\/em> little judgment for any person, because I know they are wounded \/ that person is <em>suffering<\/em>. They\u2019re doing the best they can in a very messy world, and it takes us however long it takes us before we find answers. For some of us, it\u2019s a really long, messy process.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>You\u2019ve used the phrase three times\u2014\u2014you\u2019ve talked about \u201chumbling down.\u201d Instead of hunkering down, it\u2019s a humbling down. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>And Dennis, I think if somebody\u2019s going to move to a place, where they can pursue a healthy relationship, humbling down is an essential element there.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>20:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes; and really, at the heart of humbling down is being teachable\u2014learning from God and admitting your faults, your fears, your inadequacies\u2014and being teachable. That\u2019s really at the heart of a great marriage\u2014people who haven\u2019t been divorced \/ people who are just trying to make their existing marriage go the distance.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI\u2019m thinking of Romans, Chapter 12:1 and 2, where the Apostle Paul exhorts us to surrender our lives to make our lives a living sacrifice\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014yielded to God. And that\u2019s what you\u2019re describing when you talk about humbling down. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd it [Romans 12:1, 2] also talks about not being conformed to this world. We didn\u2019t get a chance to talk about it, but you guys didn\u2019t sleep together when you dated.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Steve: <\/strong>No; we didn\u2019t; no.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I just have to say\u2014I have a concern, within the Christian community, that our standards are more of a reflection of the world than they are of the Bible. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>21:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Steve: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>We really need to protect one another in this dating relationship; and we have a lot to learn, I believe, in how Steve and Misty handled this relationship.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes; and I would hope everybody who\u2019s listening today is either already planning to be a part of the <em>Blended &amp; Blessed<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup> livestream event that\u2019s coming up on Saturday, April 21<sup>st<\/sup>, or if you\u2019re not planning to already, you make plans today. This is something you can do in your living room \/ in your local church; or if you live near Charlotte, North Carolina, you can come join us at the site where the <em>Blended<\/em> &amp; <em>Blessed<\/em> livestream is going to be happening. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tRon Deal will be there; Steve and Misty Arterburn will be joining us\u2014Bill Butterworth, \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDr. Rick Rigsby, Michele Cushatt. There\u2019s more information at FamilyLifeToday.com. You can find out where a <em>Blended<\/em> <em>&amp;<\/em> Blessed event is happening in a city near where you live; or you can sign up to host one of these events, again, in your home or your church. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>22:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGo to FamilyLifeToday.com and plan to be a part of the 2018 <em>Blended &amp; Blessed<\/em> one-day livestream event, coming up on Saturday, April 21<sup>st<\/sup>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd if you\u2019re looking for help today, for yourself or for someone you know who is a part of a blended family, we have copies of resources that Ron Deal has created\u2014books and articles\u2014all available at FamilyLifeToday.com. You might want to check those out as well. Again, the website\u2014FamilyLifeToday.com\u2014or call 1-800-FL-TODAY if you\u2019d like to order any of the books or if you have any questions about the upcoming <em>Blended<\/em> <em>&amp;<\/em> Blessed one-day event.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, this weekend, we have eight FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup><em>Weekend to Remember<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup> marriage getaways happening from coast to coast\u2014from Washington, DC, all the way to Seattle. Among those who will be attending this weekend will be pastors and their spouses. For years, we have scholarshiped pastors and spouses to the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaway\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>23:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014we\u2019ve made sure that the registration fees are covered. We\u2019ve been able to do that because donors, like you, have contributed to the scholarship fund so that pastors and spouses could be at a <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em>, registration-free.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI wanted to make sure you knew that so you could invite your pastor to attend a getaway, knowing that the cost is covered; but I also wanted to let you know that our scholarship fund is starting to deplete. If you\u2019d like to help send a pastor \/ a couple to a <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaway\u2014if you\u2019d like to help cover the cost, you can make a contribution today to the FamilyLife Pastors\u2019 Scholarship Fund. Those funds will go directly toward covering the cost for pastors and spouses to be at a getaway. You can donate, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com; or you can call to donate: 1-800-FL-TODAY. Make your contribution to the Pastors\u2019 Scholarship Fund, and those funds will be designated for that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>24:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOr, if you just want to contribute to the ongoing work of FamilyLife, and the cost of producing and syndicating this daily radio program, you can always donate, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com; or call to donate: 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d And we appreciate your generosity. Thanks for partnering with us in this ministry.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd we hope you\u2019re back with us tomorrow. Ron Deal will be here, along with Steve and Misty Arterburn. We\u2019ll continue talking about being a step-parent and the challenges that go along with that. I hope you can tune in.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine. We will see you back tomorrow for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\tHelp for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2018 FamilyLife. 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