{"id":300129,"date":"2018-01-31T12:00:00","date_gmt":"2018-01-31T17:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/kindness-makes-a-big-difference\/"},"modified":"2024-10-07T22:41:19","modified_gmt":"2024-10-08T02:41:19","slug":"kindness-makes-a-big-difference","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/kindness-makes-a-big-difference\/","title":{"rendered":"Kindness Makes a Big Difference"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Shaunti Feldhahn dares anyone having trouble with a relationship to be kind to that person for thirty days. It will soften the heart of the other person and you&#8217;ll find that your attitude has changed, too.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2018-01-31.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:27:00","filesize":"24.72M","filesize_raw":"25915679","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2850,2821,2902],"tags":[4223,4221,4218,4220,4222,4219],"podcast_series":[7190],"cwp_profile":[3204],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-300129","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-character-development","category-reaching-out","category-resolving-conflict","tag-acts-of-kindness","tag-joy","tag-kindness","tag-mending-fences-between-friends","tag-praising-your-spouse","tag-relationship-skills","podcast_series-the-kindness-challenge","cwp_profile-shaunti-feldhahn","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/300129\/kindness-makes-a-big-difference","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/300129\/kindness-makes-a-big-difference","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"WLROxSUIvZ\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/kindness-makes-a-big-difference\/\">Kindness Makes a Big Difference<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/kindness-makes-a-big-difference\/embed\/#?secret=WLROxSUIvZ\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Kindness Makes a Big Difference&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"WLROxSUIvZ\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":["https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg",508,508,false]},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"kfairris@familylife.com","author_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/author\/kfairrisfamilylife-com\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"Shaunti Feldhahn dares anyone having trouble with a relationship to be kind to that person for thirty days. It will soften the heart of the other person and you'll find that your attitude has changed, too.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2018-01-31.pdf","transcript_content":"<strong>Bob: <\/strong>You think of yourself as a kind person? When was the last time you did something intentionally kind for someone else? Here\u2019s Shaunti Feldhahn.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> We\u2019ve heard a lot about the Random Acts of Kindness movements.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> <a id=\"_Hlk504165063\">A lot of us have done things\u2014you know, you pay for the beat-up car in the drive-through line behind you. Those kinds of things are really important, and they\u2019re good; but what we\u2019ve found is that they don\u2019t change <em>you<\/em>. Because, ultimately, what this is about is realizing: \u201cI am not nearly as kind as I think I am.\u201d I am somewhat deluded; right? And because I\u2019m a little bit deluded, I need some sort of a boot camp to <em>become<\/em> more kind.<\/a>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Wednesday, January 31<sup>st<\/sup>. Our host is Dennis Rainey; I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We\u2019re going to talk about your KQ today\u2014your kindness quotient\u2014and see what we can do to help all of us become a little more kind. Stay with us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>1:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. The thing we\u2019re going to be talking about this week is\u2014it\u2019s really a subject that, when I think of where this shows up in a family most often, I think of sibling rivalry. I think of the number of times we said to our children \u201cEphesians 4:32: \u2018Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another.\u2019 Say that back to me: \u2018Be kind\u2026\u201d You know, we just do that over\u2014in fact, we were shouting it at them\u2014that we were not kind. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Or Philippians\u2014I think Chapter 2\u2014where it says: \u201cDo all things\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cwithout grumbling or disputing.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> We are not naturally kind people; are we?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> We aren\u2019t\u2014I\u2019m just going to start the broadcast just by cutting to the chase. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tShaunti Feldhahn joins us again on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Shaunti, welcome back.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> It\u2019s always <em>awesome<\/em> to be with you guys.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>2:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> She\u2019s a best-selling author. She\u2019s written a new book called <em>The Kindness Challenge<\/em>, which we\u2019re going to be talking about right here. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut I want all three of us to answer a question. I know I\u2019m asking myself a question that I already know the answer [Laughter]; but \u201cWho is the kindest person you know, Shaunti?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> My assistant, Theresa.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And what is it that makes her kind?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> She is <em>constantly<\/em> thinking of others above herself. I mean, she\u2019s\u2014everyone has issues. She has issues, just like everybody else, but constantly putting others first.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I have a moment that marked my life in this area. I was in the 11<sup>th<\/sup> grade. I was standing at my locker with Becky Voss. Becky was a senior \/ I was a junior. We were talking about something at my locker in between classes. There was a group of girls walking by my locker, and they said something mean about Becky\u2014loud enough that we could all hear it. I mean, it was a classic mean-girl moment in high school\u2014right? I heard it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>3:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI looked to see who it was; and then I looked over at Becky, like: \u201cWhat are you going to do?\u201d because I thought maybe a fight was going to break out, there in the hallway. That\u2019s always fun when girls are fighting in high school. [Laughter] But Becky\u2014you could tell she was kind of stunned for a moment; and then, she looked over at me and she said, \u201cYou know, she\u2019s probably having a really hard day.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Wow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And I thought to myself, \u201cCome on!\u201d I mean, that was my thought, \u201cCome on.\u201d That feels a little like Pollyanna from the movies; remember? But that was Becky\u2014she was the kind of person who gave, what I later learned was the judgment of charity to others, where you always assumed the best about other people rather than assuming the worst. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And as I think about the word, \u201ckindness,\u201d\u2014well, I had to go and look it up in the thesaurus\u2014okay?\u2014to see what the synonyms are for this word: \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>4:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cCourtesy, gentleness, goodness, goodwill, graciousness, hospitality, sweetness, tenderness, understanding, charity, consideration and thoughtfulness.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI can just tell you\u2014after being in Barbara\u2019s family for 45 years and knowing her mom\u2014when I was given the opportunity to write a chapter in a tribute book that went to Barbara\u2019s mom, that was the statement I made about her: \u201cYou are the kindest person, Jean Peterson, that I have ever known. And I have watched you up close and personal, in all kinds of settings, when our family invades\/disrupts the farmhouse.\u201d [Laughter] There is no farmhouse in America large enough for our family!\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u201414 adults; okay?\u2014twenty-three grandkids. That\u2019s what you\u2019d call an alien invasion with your in-laws; okay? [Laughter] But I have watched her handle it, repeatedly; and she is the kindest person I know.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>5:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> We\u2019re talking about something that we <em>obviously<\/em> admire in other people. We\u2019re also talking about something that, in our culture, seems to be in short supply. There\u2019s a drought of kindness in our land; isn\u2019t there?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> No! Everybody\u2019s so sweet today. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Stop it. Stop it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> It\u2019s like\u2014I mean, you can\u2019t even\u2014I can\u2019t even watch TV anymore. I can\u2019t even go on social media, because it hurts my heart too much\u2014like: \u201cThis has gotten bad.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Why do you think we have become so toxic and so absent of kindness?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> To be candid, one of things\u2014because this\u2014the conversation today is all based on this big research study that I\u2019ve done; right?\u2014over the last number of years. One of the biggest findings to me is that we all think\u2014everybody listening to this\u2014we think: \u201cWe <em>are<\/em> kind. <em>We<\/em> are kind. It\u2019s those other people who aren\u2019t.\u201d We don\u2019t realize we are actually contributing to the problem, and <em>that\u2019s<\/em> one of the biggest disconnects.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>6:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And that would be my answer to the question is\u2014I think the Christian community has failed to take the high ground. If anyone ought to be kind, it ought to be people who are headed toward heaven\u2014who are forgiven by Almighty God, know that they have an eternal destiny, and they\u2019re here to represent the King of King \/ Lord of Lords and be an ambassador for Him. But in my opinion, we have joined in the fray by, honestly, jumping in the midst of politics and talking negatively about the other party. And I\u2019m not thinking of <em>a<\/em> party. I\u2019m just thinking of how we, as human beings, love to target people who don\u2019t agree with us\u2014people who\u2500\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Those other people.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2500other people who don\u2019t think like us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Well and take it out of the cultural for a second and let\u2019s just zero in on homes and families\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>7:00 <\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014husbands and wives being kind to one another \/ children being kind to siblings. A family that is characterized by unusual kindness would be an <em>unusual<\/em> phenomenon in this culture.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Well, here\u2019s the problem\u2014we think \/ I can guarantee you every single person listening to this, right now, is going, \u201cBut I <em>am<\/em> kind.\u201d Because we do value <em>that<\/em> and we just don\u2019t realize\u2014I mean, I will tell you\u2014when I started this process, I thought to myself\u2014we\u2019ll get into this\u2014but one of the elements of the 30-Day Kindness Challenge, which is what we call this thing that we were researching\u2014is to not be negative \/ like not say anything negative about somebody for 30 days. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI thought, \u201cOh well, that one won\u2019t be hard for me; because I\u2019m not negative,\u201d\u2014I literally thought this to myself. I\u2019m embarrassed to say this out loud. And then, I started studying the types of negativity. I realized, \u201cOh, I\u2019m negative <em>every<\/em> single day,\u201d because one of the types of negativity is exasperation; and I get exasperated with my kids all the time. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>8:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cOh my gosh! I am contributing to this toxic culture and had no idea.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Well, let\u2019s just listen to what the Apostle Paul said in Ephesians 4:29-32: \u201cLet no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as it fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice.\u201d And then listen to this summary here at the end: \u201cBe kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another\u201d\u2014how?\u2014\u201cjust as God in Christ forgave you.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>9:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think\u2014without the Scriptures and without yielding to the Holy Spirit\u2014I think all of us are given to being bitter\/angry\u2014taking it out on other people, especially those at home. And its why, I think, what you\u2019ve written here, Shaunti, is so important\u2014to give a bunch of Christian families, to begin with, a spiritual wheel alignment with their attitudes and their mouths.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Yes; all of us need it, and it is so powerful. Let me tell you\u2014once you actually start doing some of this, your eyes are <em>so opened<\/em> to the fact that: \u201cOh my goodness! I was being unkind every day. I was <em>modeling<\/em> this for my kids every day.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> If a couple looks at their relationship and they would say, \u201cYou know, my spouse is really a kind person,\u201d the chances of their marital satisfaction being high are almost 100 percent. I mean, who is married to somebody they think is kind and they\u2019re not happy in their marriage?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> The two go together, just inexorably.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Well, that\u2019s one of the things we studied; and they do go together. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>10:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI can\u2019t remember what the number is\u2014I need to look it up really quickly\u2014but it was something like 95 percent\u2014it was a <em>huge<\/em> number.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes; so kindness\u2014if you\u2019re in a marriage where there is friction \/ there\u2019s tension\u2014you may need a kindness wheel alignment. You may need a 30-day challenge to try to get things back in shape. If kindness is present between the two of you, as a spouse, you probably are one of those couples that other people say, \u201cHow do you guys do it?\u201d\u2014right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Yes. Well, and let me tell you\u2014honestly, one of the things that we found is\u2014even in a relationship where things are pretty good between the two of you\u2014you start looking at this and trying this, and your eyes are opened to so many ways it will be even better; because you\u2019ve suddenly seen\u2014like me and my exasperation\u2014you\u2019ve suddenly seen something that comes out in <em>so<\/em> many areas of your life\u2014not just in your marriage \/ not just in your kids. It comes out in <em>all<\/em> your relationships with people.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> So, Shaunti, give us an illustration of how you were unkind\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>11:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Oh no! [Laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014and how you were kind.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> You know, part of the problem is that I struggle with exasperation\u2014I really do. And that is one thing I\u2019ve had to learn in trying to do the 30-Day Kindness Challenge. I had to do it more than once.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Exasperated about what?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> So perfect example is if Jeff and I are in the middle of an argument\u2014like relatively recently we had a difference of opinion on something. I kept pushing and saying, \u201cHoney,\u201d\u2014you know\u2014\u201ccome on!\u201d He\u2019s like, \u201cOkay; I can\u2019t do anything right, right now; so I\u2019m just going to stop talking.\u201d I went: \u201cDarn it! There it is again!\u201d\u2014like that same seed in me. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThankfully, that has happened less frequently since I\u2019ve been doing this 30-Day Kindness Challenge\u2014multiple times\u2014but unfortunately, it does still happen. So, if you\u2019ve got Jeff on the phone, he would\u2014in order to be honest before God\u2014he\u2019d have to confirm that it does still happen every now and then\u2014but I\u2019m better \/ but I\u2019m better.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>12:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Okay; good. Good. That\u2019s good you can confess that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGive us an illustration of something you did do that was kind\u2014where you chose not to be exasperated and you chose to give him a blessing instead.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> You know, one of the hard parts for me\u2014probably like a lot of women is\u2014honestly, if I see something that is done in a different way than I would choose to do it; right?\u2014like\u2014I mean, no man can appreciate this. This has never happened to anybody; but <em>hypothetically<\/em>, when somebody does the dishes\u2014and then the wife comes along, hypothetically, behind that person who did the dishes and takes them out of the dishwasher and puts them in a different way\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014the \u201cright way.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>\u2014the \u201cright way\u201d; yes, of course. And to be able, when something is done in a way that your like, \u201cBut that\u2019s not the way it works!\u201d\u2014to be able to go: \u201cOkay; I\u2019m just going to chill,\u201d and \u201cI\u2019m going to <em>resist<\/em> that temptation to come along behind and say, \u2018You did not do that correctly.\u2019\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>13:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tEven though I would never say those words out loud\u2014to actually re-do it\u2014and to sort of sit on my hands and go: \u201cYou know what? It\u2019s fine. This is the way he\u2019d do it.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Here\u2019s where it comes out between Barbara and me\u2014it\u2019s packing the car \/ packing the back of the car. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Oh yes!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Now, Barbara\u2019s dad was a chief engineer of a US Steel plant, which means he could take the whole thing apart and have it rebuilt by tomorrow morning\u2014the entire US Steel plant. [Laughter] Alright? She has that engineering bent within her, even though she is an artist, which is an interesting combination. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI have learned that, instead of getting irritated with her \/ exasperated\u2014your word\u2014you\u2019re just naming my sin now. I\u2019ve learned that I just start out, at the beginning, saying: \u201cOkay; Sweetheart, where would you like me to put these suitcases? How would you like to put them in here?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> And \u201cI\u2019m going to stand here until you tell me\u201d; yes? [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Well, and it\u2019s really not in spite\u2014it\u2019s just realizing that, if I do it, it\u2019s probably not going to be right. [Laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>14:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI\u2019ve now learned to cooperate from the beginning; and it does get packed a whale of a lot better, by the way.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> What Mary Ann does\u2014she just goes and sits in the passenger seat until the car is packed and then we drive off\u2014so she\u2019s not engaged in it. [Laughter] I can do whatever I want back there.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> But here\u2019s what\u2019s funny about what you just said, Dennis. Seriously, is there are women, listening right now\u2014and probably some men\u2014but there are women listening, right now, who are going: \u201cWait; you mean doing it, otherwise, is unkind? You mean taking the dishes back out and redoing them\u2014like, \u2018You didn\u2019t do this correctly,\u2019\u201d\u2014or, you know, you packed the suitcases\u2014\u201c\u2018No, no\u2014no. You don\u2019t do it\u2014here, let me do it again. Let me do it this way,\u2019\u2014you mean that\u2019s unkind?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s one of the things that is <em>so<\/em> built into us. There are all these different patterns\u2014and somebody has this one and not that one\u2014but for example, that criticism\u2014you wouldn\u2019t think of it as a critical spirit, but that\u2019s kind of what it is. That\u2019s another example of a pattern of negativity that we <em>have<\/em> to be willing to see.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>15:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> So, it sounds like, if I am valuing other people, I am being kind.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Yes!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> If I\u2019m <em>devaluing<\/em> other people, I am being unkind. I\u2019m trying to kind of get to the <em>core<\/em> of what kindness is. If I esteem other people\u2014Philippians says \u201c\u2026count others as more important than myself,\u201d\u2014that\u2019s manifesting kindness. If I say, \u201cNo; I\u2019m really the important one around here, and you\u2019re less important,\u201d\u2014that\u2019s unkindness.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Yes; it\u2019s\u2014basically, you are looking out in all sorts of ways\u2014whether it\u2019s verbally, whether it\u2019s in your thoughts, whether it\u2019s in your actions. You\u2019re looking out for the best interests of the other person.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And you talk, in your book, about a difference between broad kindness and targeted kindness. What are those?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Yes; well, here\u2019s the thing\u2014this is where we have to deconstruct something that I think a lot of your listeners might automatically assume. We\u2019ve heard a lot about the Random Acts of Kindness movements.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>16:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> And a lot of us have done things\u2014you know, you pay for the beat-up car in the drive-through line behind you. Those kinds of things are really important, and they\u2019re good; but what we\u2019ve found is that they don\u2019t change <em>you<\/em>. Because, ultimately, what this is about is realizing: \u201cI am not nearly as kind as I think I am.\u201d I am somewhat deluded; right? And because I\u2019m a little bit deluded, I need some sort of a boot camp to <em>become<\/em> more kind. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat comes in a <em>targeted<\/em> relationship\u2014where I am going to look at this person I\u2019m in the house with every day, or maybe I\u2019m at work with every day, or maybe it\u2019s my mother-in-law\u2014whoever it is that I want a better relationship with. I\u2019m going to do these specific things, every day, to try to train myself out of \u201cOh my! I didn\u2019t realize I was doing that,\u201d and into some really good habits that I didn\u2019t realize I wasn\u2019t doing as often as I thought I was.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And this boot camp that you\u2019re talking about is something you\u2019ve included in the book\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>17:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014but it\u2019s also something that, during the month of February, we\u2019re encouraging our listeners\u2014you can take the 30-Day Kindness Challenge with Shaunti and with us. You can sign up for this; we\u2019ll send you an email every day\u2014a different email for the wives than for the husbands; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> If you want to sign up to do it, as a wife, for a husband or vice versa, absolutely. But you can also just sign up to do it for anybody\u2014or for your kids or whatever.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You can go to FamilyLifeToday.com\u2014you sign up; and then, every day for the next 30 days, you\u2019ll get instructions \/ you\u2019ll get a little prompt that will say: \u201cHere is your kindness challenge for today.\u201d You do this for 30 days. It\u2019s not so much the daily actions as it is the <em>resetting<\/em> of your thinking over a 30-day period.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Well, see, here\u2019s what happens\u2014and this is where I\u2019d love to get into what the 30-Day Kindness Challenge actually is. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>18:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBecause what we\u2019ve identified is\u2014if you do these three things for 30 days, it <em>totally<\/em> transforms your \u201cWow! I had no idea,\u201d and you\u2019re rebuilding a habit. It\u2019s the same thing, every day, for 30 days you\u2019re trying to practice.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> What three things? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> First is\u2014you pick this person; right? You say <em>nothing<\/em> negative about them\u2014either <em>to<\/em> them or <em>about<\/em> them to somebody else\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Okay; alright.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> \u2014because that\u2019s where we sabotage ourselves; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> The toxicity; right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Just as a quick example\u2014if I\u2019m irritated with Jeff, I can kind of be polite to him if I\u2019m trying to not be negative. But, you know, the common problem is\u2014I might go to my girlfriends at work and be like: \u201cUgg! You know what he did?\u201d I don\u2019t realize it, but I\u2019m sabotaging how I feel about him\u2014and oh, by the way\u2014I\u2019m training myself to be an unkind person. I would not think of it that way, but that\u2019s what I\u2019m doing. So, the first thing is: \u201cSay nothing negative about them\u201d; and we\u2019ve identified what those negativity patterns are.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSecond thing is\u2014every day for 30 days, find <em>one thing<\/em> that you can sincerely praise about them and tell them; <em>and<\/em> tell somebody else, every day, for 30 days. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>19:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo I can\u2019t complain about something he did; but I\u2019m looking for the stuff to praise\u2014and I think, \u201cYou know, he came home early in order to take the kids to their activities.\u201d I go to him and I say, \u201cThank you.\u201d And then I go to my girlfriends, or whomever, and say: \u201cYou know what he did yesterday? He took the kids\u2026\u201d What I\u2019m doing is, basically, Philippians 4; right? I\u2019m thinking on \u201cWhatever is excellent and lovely and worthy of praise\u2026\u201d rather than the stuff that\u2019s worthy of driving me crazy.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> And then the third thing\u2014every day for 30 days\u2014is to do a small action of kindness \/ a small <em>action<\/em> of generosity. You know, maybe it\u2019s not Jeff; right? \/ maybe it\u2019s not my husband\u2014maybe it <em>is<\/em> my mother-in-law or my kids. Maybe\u2014you know, one of the things I found, when I did this for my teenage daughter, is that an action of generosity to her, like most people, is <em>little<\/em> stuff. It\u2019s like she: \u201cHey; I know you\u2019re in the middle of something on your computer, Mom, but I found this funny YouTube video.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>20:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt is a little action of generosity to take five\/six\/seven minutes and turn my attention and look at her, and engage, and watch the video with her and laugh. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt might seem so little, but what that does\u2014is what all three of those things do\u2014is it says: \u201cYou\u2019re valuable,\u201d\u2014and it\u2019s telling yourself that as well. What we found is\u2014if you do those three things for 30 days, 89 percent of relationships improved\u2014<em>89 percent<\/em>\u2014which is <em>huge<\/em>. We don\u2019t see those numbers in social research.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> So, you can go to FamilyLIfeToday.com. You can sign up to take the kindness challenge; and during the month of February, we\u2019ll see if we can improve 89 percent of our relationships\u2014people listening to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I\u2019ll tell you\u2014we can bump it over 90 percent if you\u2019ll memorize Colossians, Chapter 3, verse 12. It\u2019s talking about\u2014almost like you put on clothing before you leave the house in the morning\u2014the Apostle Paul says\u2014listen carefully to what he encourages you to put on: \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>21:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cPut on then, as God\u2019s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassion, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you must forgive.\u201d That\u2019s a pretty good list right there!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> That is a pretty good list. That\u2019s, again, Colossians, Chapter 3, verse 12 and following. It really goes to the heart of what you are calling us to live out\u2014to walk according to the Spirit\u2014to put off the old man, to put on the new man, and to live out our faith in how we relate to one another.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tShaunti\u2019s got a book called <em>The Kindness Challenge: Thirty Days to Improve Any Relationship<\/em>. And if you\u2019d like to take the kindness challenge, we\u2019ve got an easy way for you to do that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>22:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGo to FamilyLifeToday.com; and you can sign up to get an email, every day, from us that will prompt you to do something kind each day. There will be some tips \/ some suggestions. It\u2019s a 30-day spiritual exercise. The month of February is a great month\u2014given its Valentine\u2019s month\u2014great month for you to take a 30-Day Kindness Challenge and see if it doesn\u2019t make a difference in your relationships\u2014in your marriage or your relationship with your children. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGo to FamilyLifeToday.com and sign up for the free 30-Day Kindness Challenge. Get a copy of Shaunti\u2019s book by that name. You can order the book from us, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com; or call to order\u20141-800-FL-TODAY. Again, the title of the book is <em>The Kindness Challenge<\/em>. You can order it from us, online, at FamilyLIfeToday.com; or call 1-800-FL-TODAY to order. Again, sign up for the kindness challenge and have the email sent to you every day that will prompt you on ways you can demonstrate kindness more regularly in your relationships. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>23:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd speaking of being kind, we want to ask you to do something that would be kind for blended or stepfamilies all around the country. We\u2019ve got an event coming up in April. It\u2019s the <em>Blended and Blessed<\/em><sup>\u2122<\/sup> one-day event. It\u2019s going to be in Charlotte, North Carolina; but it\u2019s going to be live streamed to churches and individuals all across the country. When we did this last year, we had <em>thousands<\/em> of people who joined us for this one-day event, and we\u2019re hoping to have even more this year. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, the cost to produce this event is significant; and so we\u2019re asking <em>you<\/em> to help us and to help blended families in the process. Make a donation that will help defray the cost of producing the <em>Blended and Blessed<\/em> live stream event. You can do that by donating, online, today at FamilyLifeToday.com; or call 1-800-FL-TODAY\u2014make a donation\u2014or mail your donation to us at <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> at PO Box 7111, Little Rock, AR; and our zip code is 72223. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>24:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd on behalf of those stepfamilies and blended families, who will benefit from this event later on this spring, I just want to say, \u201cThanks for partnering with us to make this event a reality.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI hope you can join us back tomorrow. Shaunti Feldhahn is going to be here. We\u2019re going to continue talking about kindness\u2014what it looks like and how we can be kinder people. That comes up tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> of Little Rock, Arkansas; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2018 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>","theme_header_position":"","post_header_is_sticky":"","is_header_overlay":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast\/300129","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/podcast"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/91"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=300129"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/294104"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=300129"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=300129"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=300129"},{"taxonomy":"podcast_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast_series?post=300129"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=300129"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=300129"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}