{"id":300103,"date":"2018-01-04T12:00:00","date_gmt":"2018-01-04T17:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/when-your-parents-need-help\/"},"modified":"2024-10-07T22:41:17","modified_gmt":"2024-10-08T02:41:17","slug":"when-your-parents-need-help","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/when-your-parents-need-help\/","title":{"rendered":"When Your Parents Need Help"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>guest: Jim Stroud | Series: Caring for Aging Parents | Jim Stroud, founder and director of Stroud Companies, a real estate company that owns and operates senior housing, tells how he became interested in elder care after his father had a stroke and could no longer live by himself. As Stroud looked at options, he realized that available facilities wouldn&#8217;t meet his father&#8217;s level of care and need. Stroud set out to change that for his father and other seniors.Show Notes &#038; ResourcesSonoma House &#8211; Assisted Living and Alzheimer&#8217;s CareDr. John Dunlop, a doctor of geriatrics in Connecticut, explains what it means to age well in all spheres of life-physical, mental, social, financial and emotional.Assisted Living Policy And Regulation: State SurveyHow to Check for Assisted Living ViolationsAssessing Assisted Living Quality: Consumer Reviews, Ratings &#038; Complaints<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Jim Stroud tells how he looked at elder care options for his father, and realized that available facilities wouldn&#8217;t meet his father&#8217;s level of need. Stroud set out to change that for his father and others.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"Jim Stroud tells how he looked at elder care options for his father, and realized that available facilities wouldn&#039;t meet his father&#039;s level of need.","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2018-01-04.mp3","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:32:19","filesize":"29.58M","filesize_raw":"31021503","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2847,2913],"tags":[4175,4174,4176],"podcast_series":[],"cwp_profile":[8810],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-300103","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-death-and-dying","category-empty-nest-and-midlife","tag-aging-parents","tag-elderly-care","tag-elderly-parents","cwp_profile-jim-stroud","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/300103\/when-your-parents-need-help","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/300103\/when-your-parents-need-help","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"QPN7lFF9pd\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/when-your-parents-need-help\/\">When Your Parents Need Help<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/when-your-parents-need-help\/embed\/#?secret=QPN7lFF9pd\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;When Your Parents Need Help&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"QPN7lFF9pd\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2018-01-04.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2018-01-04.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<strong>Bob: <\/strong>As our parents age, they can become set in their ways; and they can resist our attempts to try to provide help for them with their living situation. Here\u2019s Jim Stroud.\n\n<strong>Jim: <\/strong>Oftentimes, when they are dug in and they\u2019re independent\u2014is, number one, I go back to respect and sensitivity. I have to respect my loved one for what they\u2019ve achieved and the sensitivity of how to approach them. The worst thing is for your parent to feel they are being parented. <strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Thursday, January 4<sup>th<\/sup>. Our host is Dennis Rainey, and I'm Bob Lepine. How can we help our parents in a time of life when they need our help but may resist it?\u00a0 We\u2019ll talk more about that today. Stay with us.\n\nAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us.\n\n<strong>1:00<\/strong>\n\nOne of the challenges that a lot of moms and dads face is that\u2014right in the time when you\u2019ve got to be spending a lot of time, as a mom and a dad, taking care of your teenaged kids\u2014a lot of families find themselves also with new caregiving responsibilities that they hadn\u2019t stopped to think about.\n\n<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes; and we\u2019ve got a good friend, Jim Stroud, who goes way back to the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup> in Dallas, Texas, back in\u2014I suppose\u2014the 1980s. You and Lynn helped give leadership to that\u2014impacted a lot of people.\n\n<strong>Jim: <\/strong>That\u2019s right, Dennis. We got the phone call about being involved; and we said, \u201cYes.\u201d\u00a0 The next thing I knew\u2014is our home phone number was on the brochure. [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes; and you did a great job answering the phone, Jim. I want to thank you. Will you forgive me for that?\n\n<strong>Jim: <\/strong>Yes; if I say, \u201cThank you,\u201d I\u2019ll, then, have to ask forgiveness for my wife Lynn; because she was the one who did all the heavy lifting.\n\n<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes; she did.\n\nJim and his wife Lynn live in the Dallas\/Ft. Worth area. They have been married since 1981. They have two children.\n\n<strong>2:00<\/strong>\n\nHe founded, led, and then stepped out of leadership of a company that took care of people in the midst of aging. I want to know how you got interested in this in the first place. I think it had to do with your dad; right?\n\n<strong>Jim: <\/strong>That\u2019s correct. My father was a widower\u2014lived up in the panhandle of Texas in a very small town. He had a stroke and then a second stroke. On the second stroke, both my brother and I knew that he couldn\u2019t live at home by himself. We started the search that many of your listeners go through: \u201cWhat to do,\u201d \u201cHow to make the decision,\u201d \u201cHow to communicate with your father,\u201d \u201cWhat are the options?\u201d and \u201cWhat, spiritually, can you rely on through this journey?\u201d\n\nWe determined that he could come to Dallas; and after a while, I continued to talk to him\u2014if he was sitting here, he\u2019d used the word, \u201cbadger,\u201d which is very true.\n\n<strong>3:00<\/strong>\n\nThen, finally, I got the picture when he said, \u201cWhen I turn on the TV and the high school sports teams come on, if I don\u2019t recognize the mascots, that\u2019s not my home.\u201d\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes.\n\n<strong>Jim: <\/strong>I was taking him from his home. So, we realized listening\u2014which is an important aspect to what his needs were\u2014he wanted to stay in the panhandle of Texas.\n\nNext question was: \u201cWhat were the options?\u201d At that time, which was the late \u201880s, the options really were nursing homes. So, he moved into a skilled nursing home. We knew that it was more care than what he really needed. I talked with the administrator and pled, \u201cDon\u2019t let my father take tray service; because as soon he starts taking tray service into his unit, then he won\u2019t engage and be active at all into the community.\u201d\n\nSure enough, after four months, he was taking tray service. Within about a year, he lost the will to live\u2014a very painful process for our family. I recognized there was a need there.\n\n<strong>4:00<\/strong>\n\nHe subsequently passed away; and I thought, \u201cLord, how can I help other people not have to go through this situation?\u201d\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Well, as you talked about your dad, I was thinking about my grandparents, who lived in Flint, Michigan, all their lives. My grandfather worked at the GM plant in Flint\u2014that\u2019s where they raised their kids, and that\u2019s where they lived into their 80s. My mom\u2014meanwhile, she got married; and we moved around the country. She was living in Kansas City.\n\nWell, here Grandma and Grandpa are in Flint, Michigan; Mom\u2019s in Kansas City. When there are health issues, there is nobody but the neighbors; and you\u2019re not sure what you can depend on there. Mom started feeling like she needed Grandma and Grandpa to be close. So, she went and talked to them about moving to Kansas City. Just like your dad, my grandfather couldn\u2019t imagine leaving where he\u2019d lived his whole life and not cheering for the Detroit Tigers; right?\u00a0 [Laughter]\n\n<strong>5:00<\/strong>\n\nIt took some badgering on my mom\u2019s part to ultimately have them sell their house and move their belongings into a retirement community in the Kansas City area, where Mom was living.\n\nHere\u2019s how that marked my mom. After my\u2014both my grandparents passed and they died in their 90s\u2014when my mom got into her 70s \/ in her late 70s, she moved into an assisted living retirement community, a place where it was staged so that there was independent care for a period time; and then, if you needed more care, it was available onsite.\n\nShe moved in; and I thought, \u201cMom, you don\u2019t need that!\u201d\u00a0 She said: \u201cI don\u2019t now, but the time to move in is not when you need it. The time to move in is now, where you can build relationships and make friendships.\u201d\u00a0 She was loving me by making that choice to move in to that kind of a community. That\u2019s where she lived until she died.\n\n<strong>6:00<\/strong>\n\nIt was a <em>rich<\/em> period of more than a decade, where she lived in that community, and made friends, and had a level of care that was helpful, and then more care when it was needed.\n\n<strong>Jim: <\/strong>You know, it\u2019s interesting, Bob; because what you just said hits a number of elements that we are having to educate people on. Number one is recognition of the need: \u201cWhen do you recognize the need that one of your loved ones may need care?\u201d\n\nOftentimes\u2014as you mentioned, when they\u2019re \/ both of her parents were still alive\u2014you can look at the caregiver. It\u2019s going to be a natural sequence that one will become a caregiver for a season, or it could be for a longtime period. You find just the exhaustion factor that starts taking place. We often go in and say, \u201cWell, another good way, if you are visiting, is the refrigerator test.\u201d\u00a0 The refrigerator test is\u2014you open the refrigerator and see if there is ample food there to meet their needs. Another one is the expiration test.\n\n<strong>7:00<\/strong>\n\nI have to be careful; because my son, Will, comes into our house; and he\u2019ll look at the expiration on the food products\u2014[Laughter]\n\n<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>This has happened at my house too!\n\n<strong>Jim: <\/strong>\u2014\u201cDad, you\u2019re in this industry. Are you okay?!\u201d [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes; our daughter, Laura, comes back and goes, \u201cDad, this is beyond the expiration date!\u201d\u00a0 [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Jim: <\/strong>Right.\n\n<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>We\u2019re just trying to get the mileage out of the food. [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Jim: <\/strong>Right; exactly.\n\n<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>What are some of the other signals, though, that a loved one\u2014a mom or a dad\u2014may be in need of considering assisted living?\n\n<strong>Jim: <\/strong>Well, if you look at the appointments \/ their calendar\u2014and not just investigating\u2014because you have to have a respect for their dignity and you have to have sincerity\u2014but you ask, \u201cHow does your week look?\u201d\u00a0 Then, you follow up with it. Oftentimes, if there are appointments with a doctor or there is a social engagement, you follow back around and say: \u201cHow was that appointment?\u201d \u201cHow was that social engagement?\u201d\u00a0 If they don\u2019t talk about it or defer it, then, it tells you that transportation can be a problem.\n\n<strong>8:00<\/strong>\n\nSo, that\u2019s another good example\u2014is what I call the calendar test.\n\nLikewise, looking at what their interests are to see if they are engaging, behaviorally. Oftentimes, there is disconnect. It can be a weather change \/ it could be just a change in a social situation; but their behavior is not appropriate for it. You recognize there is disconnect between their outward behavior and what is actually causing that behavior.\n\n<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>You and I actually sit here, today, because I called you. In the process of the conversation, I mentioned some of the issues that I faced with my mom. I asked you\u2014I said, \u201cSo, what do we have that\u2019s available to help us, from a distance, to know how our parent\u2019s doing since we don\u2019t live next door?\u201d\u00a0 It maybe just kind of one of those gray areas, where we\u2019re not sure they\u2019re ready to move into an assisted living situation; but they are also sending warning signals out to us that the time may be approaching when they need somebody to\u2014\n\n<strong>9:00<\/strong>\n\n\u2014how did you describe it?\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014to badger them?\n\n<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014to badger them\u2014\n\n<strong>Jim: <\/strong>\u2014badger them.\n\n<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014a little bit?\n\n<strong>Jim: <\/strong>Yes.\n\n<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>But share about some of the technology that\u2019s available today that can help us <em>protect<\/em> our parents while they\u2019re away.\n\n<strong>Jim: <\/strong>Well, one of the first ones\u2014which I think is most valuable\u2014is fall prevention; because one of the biggest concerns for seniors is\u2014they\u2019re in their home; they\u2019re by themselves \/ they may even have their spouse there; but they are starting to lose coordination or ability to maneuver. What they find is that getting up at night, going to the restroom; and then, all of a sudden, there is a fall. Generally, when there is a fall, then that\u2019s\u2014it could be a broken leg or a pelvic issue\u2014and then, all of a sudden, the health starts declining. So, it\u2019s a genuine concern.\n\nOne of the things you can get is fall prevention.\n\n<strong>10:00<\/strong>\n\nBasically, it is a medallion\u2014you can wear it around your neck or on your wrist. You can press that; and what that ends up doing is\u2014alerting either in the house, or a neighbor, or 911 that there has been a fall.\n\nThe personal story that really drove <em>me<\/em> to this industry\u2014as I mentioned, my father had a second stroke\u2014well, when I found out that he was six hours on the ground\u2014\n\n<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Oh!\n\n<strong>Jim: <\/strong>\u2014in his bedroom, eight feet away from the phone, it broke my heart. Then, I realized, \u201cDad, I\u2019m not going to let this happen again.\u201d\u00a0 It\u2019s really\u2014that was the wrong attitude. The right attitude is\u2014I need to communicate with my father and say: \u201cDad, that <em>really<\/em> caused me pain. It <em>really<\/em> made me upset. How did it make <em>you<\/em> feel?\u201d because once you recognize, with your loved one, they have the same fears that the adult children have\u2014and the key is to communicate with them and then to listen to their answers.\n\n<strong>11:00<\/strong>\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Jim, you know there are some folks who\u2014they are a little settled in their ways. You can talk about fears and all of that; but by golly, they want to live in this house and die in this house, and they put up resistance. When you start saying, \u201cMaybe, it\u2019s time not to drive anymore,\u201d\u2014the loss of that freedom is <em>huge<\/em> for a lot of older people\u2014or when you say, \u201cMaybe, you ought to move to another place,\u201d \/ \u201cI\u2019m not; I\u2019ve lived here for 45\u2026\u201d What do you do, as a young person, if you\u2019ve got a mom or a dad who has just dug in?\n\n<strong>Jim: <\/strong>I think one of the best ways of communication that we share with adult children\u2014and now with your listeners\u2014is the indirect method. Oftentimes, when they are dug in and they\u2019re independent\u2014is, number one, I go back to respect and sensitivity. I have to <em>respect<\/em> my loved one for what they\u2019ve achieved\u2014\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Right.\n\n<strong>Jim: <\/strong>\u2014and the sensitivity of how to approach them. Oftentimes, indirect is a great way:\n\n<strong>12:00<\/strong>\n\n\u201cMom\/Dad, I had a friend [whose] mom\/dad did this. All of a sudden, it created a problem worse,\u201d or \u201cThey got up in the middle of the night and broke a hip. Then, all of a sudden, they\u2019re in the hospital,\u201d and \u201cThey <em>knew<\/em> that they had problems with their coordination,\u201d or \u201cThey <em>knew<\/em> the medications they were on were not the right medications,\u201d\u2014it\u2019s the indirect way of doing that.\n\nAnother way is what I call the personal approach\u2014that is: \u201cMom\/Dad, I love you. I appreciate all the sacrifice you\u2019ve given, and I\u2019m concerned.\u201d\u00a0 When your parent, as hard and entrenched as they can be, understands your heart and the direction you are coming from\u2014then, it\u2019s important; because the worst thing is for your parent to feel they are being parented\u2014and that\u2019s the situation where it becomes more reactionary and defensive.\n\nSo, the indirect way is a good way to start\u2014\n\n<strong>13:00<\/strong><strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\n\u2014likewise, the empathy of: \u201cThis is the way I really feel. I care for you\u201d; and then, the third thing is timing. Oftentimes, there are a number of opportunities\u2014healthcare fairs, senior centers \/ other areas. Compared to what it was 30 years ago, it\u2019s <em>vastly<\/em> different. Now, there are a number of organizations\u2014for-profit\/not-for-profit\u2014that have senior fairs where they can go to them. You can take your loved one and then they can meet individuals in the community\u2014either in the home healthcare area, or in the skilled nursing, or assisted living, or memory care\u2014and they start understanding that: \u201cThis care is very important.\u201d\n\nWhat happens with this care, when they start hearing satisfaction surveys\u2014that 90 percent of seniors, after six months, like where they live. Now, if you take that same survey, the first month, it\u2019s 30 percent\u2014\n\n<strong>14:00<\/strong>\n\n\u2014so it goes from 30 percent to 90 percent. We use the example of the rosebud\u2014you know, a rosebud, by itself, hasn\u2019t even bloomed; but it needs the right soil, it needs the right sun, it needs the rain\u2014the right amount of rain. If it doesn\u2019t get one of those three, then it can wither and die on the vine; but given the right soil, which could be a senior living community or staying at home\u2014the right care and the right social activities\u2014they blossom. That\u2019s what you see if the needs of a senior are met the right way.\n\n<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>One of the things that you continue to underscore and heighten is the respect for your parent. I really like that because, as they grow old, there is a good bit of aging that robs a person\u2014who has been very vigorous, maybe a hard worker, very smart\u2014where they are experience losses.\n\n<strong>15:00<\/strong>\n\nThey need an adult child to respect who they are and also give them a voice. Speak to that concept of giving your parents a voice as you talk about these issues.\n\n<strong>Jim: <\/strong>It\u2019s important because they\u2019re connection points. Oftentimes, a connection point can be the personal experience. As I always use the phrase, \u201cYou taught me,\u201d because if it\u2019s the \u201cYou taught me,\u201d it\u2019s the lesson you learned from your parent. Now, what you\u2019re doing is exercising that lesson: \u201cYou taught me to care. You taught me to respond. Now, what I want to do is recognize the need; and then let\u2019s talk about the decision. Let\u2019s not just sit there and have the elephant in the room. Let\u2019s really sit down and talk about this.\u201d\n\nAs Bob\u2019s story was with his mother, the key to that successful aging was timing. She made the decision at the right time to move in. The worst thing is when it\u2019s a crisis\u2014\n\n<strong>16:00<\/strong>\n\n\u2014to either bring in home healthcare in a crisis situation, because you have a crisis and someone else comes into the home\u2014or likewise, if you go into a hospital and then move into a senior living community\u2014it\u2019s a crisis environment. What you don\u2019t want is that situation. You want it to be one where it could be handled the appropriate way.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>We had an interview, a number of years ago, with a medical doctor, who cared for the elderly. He was in his early 70s, and he was deciding it was time for him to pull back on his practice. He lived in Chicago, but he was moving to Connecticut. I said: \u201cWhat\u2019s in Connecticut?\u00a0 A new practice opportunity?\u00a0 What are you\u2026?\u201d\n\nHe said, \u201cWell, our daughter lives there.\u201d He said: \u201cMy wife and I have recognized that we need to pick the place where we are going to retire and where we\u2019re going to live out our last days.\n\n<strong>17:00<\/strong>\n\n\u201cWe want to be near our daughter; but we also want to move there at a time when we can still form relationships and community with people our own age rather than trying to move there in our 80s, when it\u2019s harder to do that.\u201d\u00a0 He said, \u201cWe want to get to our 80s with our friends, not be trying to make friends in our 80s.\u201d\n\n<strong>Jim: <\/strong>That is so important; because if seniors are in their home\u2014and the natural progression is one of the parents pass away\u2014so, now, you have your loved one in a home\/their house\u2014that could be a home where you grew up in. Then, all of a sudden, there is a concern\u2014there is a concern about: \u201cYes; the yard needs to be mowed. Well, who is going to mow it?\u201d You have to put yourself in the mind of your parent of: \u201cI\u2019ve always been doing this and handling this before\u201d\u2014but now, it becomes a question of\u2014\u201cIf I\u2019m going to have a plumber come in and work on this, well, then, son, I would like you over here.\u201d\n\nWhat you find is what I call the work call\u2014it could be you\u2019re sitting at your desk and you get a call from a loved one, saying, \u201cThere\u2019s a workman here.\u201d\n\n<strong>18:00<\/strong>\n\nThen, all of a sudden, there is concern of \u201cWell, are they going to do it right?\u201d\u00a0 Then, the last thing is the money side of it. Likewise, a lot of these calls will hit women at work or women that are raising children at home at a point in time where the frustration level and the reaction can be very brief and not the right way.\n\nI always say, \u201cYou find out real quick that the home itself can really be almost a prison,\u201d because of the isolation that is there \/ that occurs; and then it\u2019s a negative spiral. Once that negative spiral begins, you have to recognize it; and it\u2019s a loving thing to do to step in.\n\n<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I wish, when I was kind of growing up\u2014and I\u2019m speaking now of truly growing up in my 20s, 30s, and 40s, when my mom was getting older\u2014someone would have equipped me to know how to think about my mom with respect, like you\u2019re talking about. You\u2019re really embodying, as you\u2019re talking about caring for the elderly, 1 Corinthians 13, which says: \u201cLove is patient and kind.\u201d\n\n<strong>19:00<\/strong>\n\nMy mom was <em>amazingly<\/em> patient and kind with me. As she grew older, she really needed me to be patient and kind with her. \u201cLove does not envy or boast. It\u2019s not arrogant or rude.\u201d\u00a0 I don\u2019t remember my mom doing that; but I do remember my need, as an adult, to be kind to her and not rude back to her if she was a little sharp with me. \u201cIt does not insist on its own way. It is not irritable or resentful,\u201d\u2014that means we have to forgive.\n\nSome, who are listening to our broadcast\u2014this conjures up all kinds of emotions toward parents because, now, they\u2019re having to take care of them; and they didn\u2019t feel like they were taken care of when they were a child or a young person, growing up.\n\n<strong>20:00<\/strong>\n\n<strong>Jim: <\/strong>That\u2019s why we often say, \u201cYou need to recognize anxiety, not only in your loved one\u2019s decision, but also in the process that you\u201d\u2014your listeners and we all\u2014\u201cgo through as adult children,\u201d because the anxiety is on both sides.\n\nOftentimes, we go to the Bible. When you look at Philippians, which I just love, where it says, \u201cBe anxious for nothing but in prayer and supplication with thanksgiving make your requests known to God,\u201d\u2014it\u2019s interesting because you say, \u201c\u2026with thanksgiving\u2026\u2014 and it\u2019s the embracing of: \u201cThis is a need in my parents\u2019 life. This is a time when I can <em>really<\/em> give to them,\u201d\u2014and not monetarily but support\u2014\u201cand I can do it in a way where I can use the biblical standards that I\u2019ve been taught,\u201d or \u201c\u2026I have learned how to care for them.\u201d\n\n<strong>21:00<\/strong>\n\n<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>And I just want to finish this passage here [in 1 Corinthians 13], because it speaks to the issue of the heart with adult children. \u201cIt\u2019s not irritable or resentful, does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things,\u201d\u2014that means it shoulders the weight \/ there is a lot of weight to shoulder in old age. \u201cIt believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.\u201d\n\nI just want to encourage our listeners, whether you are caring for an elderly parent yet or if it\u2019s in the future, to begin thinking about this and maybe check out some of the resources that are available\u2014we\u2019ll list a few\u2014and find the best way to provide compassionate, loving, godly care for your parents.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes; we\u2019ve got links on our website at FamilyLifeToday.com to help you with that. Again, go to FamilyLifeToday.com.\n\n<strong>22:00<\/strong>\n\nI want to mention a book written by a guest we\u2019ve had on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, Dr. John Dunlop. He wrote a book called <em>Wellness for the Glory of God<\/em>. It\u2019s a book that talks about how we can be ready for the aging process in our own lives\u2014how we can be alert to the changes that are going to take place as we age. Dr. Dunlop spent years of practice as a gerontologist and worked with patients who were aging. His book, I think, is very helpful; and it may be something for those of us\u2014who are over 40, over 50, over 60\u2014this would be a good book to read so that we can be wise about how we plan and steward our elder years. Again, the book is available, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com\u2014you can get more information there. We also have links to the interviews we did with Dr. Dunlop if you\u2019d like to listen to those.\n\nAs we begin this new year together, 2018, we again want to take a minute and say, \u201cThank you,\u201d to those of you who helped us finish out 2017 in a good, solid financial setting by making a yearend contribution.\n\n<strong>23:00<\/strong>\n\nWe\u2019re so grateful for the support that you offered in the closing weeks of 2017. We appreciate it. I don\u2019t have the final numbers yet on the matching-grant opportunity that we had, but we\u2019ll be in touch with you about that and let you know if we were able to take full advantage of that matching-gift opportunity.\n\nAnd we also want to remind you that the needs of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> are ongoing. If you are a regular listener to this program; if you are connected to FamilyLife through our website, our newsletters, the resources we have available; if you\u2019ve been to our events\u2014can I ask you to consider becoming a Legacy Partner and making a monthly contribution to support the mission of this ministry? Every time you donate, you\u2019re helping us take the message of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> to more homes, more families, more husbands and wives \/ more moms and dads more regularly.\n\n<strong>24:00<\/strong>\n\nFind out about becoming a Legacy Partner when you go to FamilyLifeToday.com. There is a link available there; or you can call if you need more information\u20141-800-FL-TODAY is our number.\n\nNow, tomorrow, we\u2019re going to talk again about our aging parents\u2014this time, talking about memory loss\u2014how can we tell if forgetfulness is something we should be concerned about or just a normal part of aging?\u00a0 Jim Stroud will again be with us tomorrow. I hope you can be back as well.\n\nI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\n\n<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry.\n\nHelp for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\nWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\n\nCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2018 FamilyLife. 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Stroud tells how he looked at elder care options for his father, and realized that available facilities wouldn't meet his father's level of need. Stroud set out to change that for his father and others.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2018-01-04.pdf","transcript_content":"<strong>Bob: <\/strong>As our parents age, they can become set in their ways; and they can resist our attempts to try to provide help for them with their living situation. Here\u2019s Jim Stroud.\n\n<strong>Jim: <\/strong>Oftentimes, when they are dug in and they\u2019re independent\u2014is, number one, I go back to respect and sensitivity. I have to respect my loved one for what they\u2019ve achieved and the sensitivity of how to approach them. The worst thing is for your parent to feel they are being parented. <strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Thursday, January 4<sup>th<\/sup>. Our host is Dennis Rainey, and I'm Bob Lepine. How can we help our parents in a time of life when they need our help but may resist it?\u00a0 We\u2019ll talk more about that today. Stay with us.\n\nAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us.\n\n<strong>1:00<\/strong>\n\nOne of the challenges that a lot of moms and dads face is that\u2014right in the time when you\u2019ve got to be spending a lot of time, as a mom and a dad, taking care of your teenaged kids\u2014a lot of families find themselves also with new caregiving responsibilities that they hadn\u2019t stopped to think about.\n\n<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes; and we\u2019ve got a good friend, Jim Stroud, who goes way back to the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup> in Dallas, Texas, back in\u2014I suppose\u2014the 1980s. You and Lynn helped give leadership to that\u2014impacted a lot of people.\n\n<strong>Jim: <\/strong>That\u2019s right, Dennis. We got the phone call about being involved; and we said, \u201cYes.\u201d\u00a0 The next thing I knew\u2014is our home phone number was on the brochure. [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes; and you did a great job answering the phone, Jim. I want to thank you. Will you forgive me for that?\n\n<strong>Jim: <\/strong>Yes; if I say, \u201cThank you,\u201d I\u2019ll, then, have to ask forgiveness for my wife Lynn; because she was the one who did all the heavy lifting.\n\n<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes; she did.\n\nJim and his wife Lynn live in the Dallas\/Ft. Worth area. They have been married since 1981. They have two children.\n\n<strong>2:00<\/strong>\n\nHe founded, led, and then stepped out of leadership of a company that took care of people in the midst of aging. I want to know how you got interested in this in the first place. I think it had to do with your dad; right?\n\n<strong>Jim: <\/strong>That\u2019s correct. My father was a widower\u2014lived up in the panhandle of Texas in a very small town. He had a stroke and then a second stroke. On the second stroke, both my brother and I knew that he couldn\u2019t live at home by himself. We started the search that many of your listeners go through: \u201cWhat to do,\u201d \u201cHow to make the decision,\u201d \u201cHow to communicate with your father,\u201d \u201cWhat are the options?\u201d and \u201cWhat, spiritually, can you rely on through this journey?\u201d\n\nWe determined that he could come to Dallas; and after a while, I continued to talk to him\u2014if he was sitting here, he\u2019d used the word, \u201cbadger,\u201d which is very true.\n\n<strong>3:00<\/strong>\n\nThen, finally, I got the picture when he said, \u201cWhen I turn on the TV and the high school sports teams come on, if I don\u2019t recognize the mascots, that\u2019s not my home.\u201d\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes.\n\n<strong>Jim: <\/strong>I was taking him from his home. So, we realized listening\u2014which is an important aspect to what his needs were\u2014he wanted to stay in the panhandle of Texas.\n\nNext question was: \u201cWhat were the options?\u201d At that time, which was the late \u201880s, the options really were nursing homes. So, he moved into a skilled nursing home. We knew that it was more care than what he really needed. I talked with the administrator and pled, \u201cDon\u2019t let my father take tray service; because as soon he starts taking tray service into his unit, then he won\u2019t engage and be active at all into the community.\u201d\n\nSure enough, after four months, he was taking tray service. Within about a year, he lost the will to live\u2014a very painful process for our family. I recognized there was a need there.\n\n<strong>4:00<\/strong>\n\nHe subsequently passed away; and I thought, \u201cLord, how can I help other people not have to go through this situation?\u201d\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Well, as you talked about your dad, I was thinking about my grandparents, who lived in Flint, Michigan, all their lives. My grandfather worked at the GM plant in Flint\u2014that\u2019s where they raised their kids, and that\u2019s where they lived into their 80s. My mom\u2014meanwhile, she got married; and we moved around the country. She was living in Kansas City.\n\nWell, here Grandma and Grandpa are in Flint, Michigan; Mom\u2019s in Kansas City. When there are health issues, there is nobody but the neighbors; and you\u2019re not sure what you can depend on there. Mom started feeling like she needed Grandma and Grandpa to be close. So, she went and talked to them about moving to Kansas City. Just like your dad, my grandfather couldn\u2019t imagine leaving where he\u2019d lived his whole life and not cheering for the Detroit Tigers; right?\u00a0 [Laughter]\n\n<strong>5:00<\/strong>\n\nIt took some badgering on my mom\u2019s part to ultimately have them sell their house and move their belongings into a retirement community in the Kansas City area, where Mom was living.\n\nHere\u2019s how that marked my mom. After my\u2014both my grandparents passed and they died in their 90s\u2014when my mom got into her 70s \/ in her late 70s, she moved into an assisted living retirement community, a place where it was staged so that there was independent care for a period time; and then, if you needed more care, it was available onsite.\n\nShe moved in; and I thought, \u201cMom, you don\u2019t need that!\u201d\u00a0 She said: \u201cI don\u2019t now, but the time to move in is not when you need it. The time to move in is now, where you can build relationships and make friendships.\u201d\u00a0 She was loving me by making that choice to move in to that kind of a community. That\u2019s where she lived until she died.\n\n<strong>6:00<\/strong>\n\nIt was a <em>rich<\/em> period of more than a decade, where she lived in that community, and made friends, and had a level of care that was helpful, and then more care when it was needed.\n\n<strong>Jim: <\/strong>You know, it\u2019s interesting, Bob; because what you just said hits a number of elements that we are having to educate people on. Number one is recognition of the need: \u201cWhen do you recognize the need that one of your loved ones may need care?\u201d\n\nOftentimes\u2014as you mentioned, when they\u2019re \/ both of her parents were still alive\u2014you can look at the caregiver. It\u2019s going to be a natural sequence that one will become a caregiver for a season, or it could be for a longtime period. You find just the exhaustion factor that starts taking place. We often go in and say, \u201cWell, another good way, if you are visiting, is the refrigerator test.\u201d\u00a0 The refrigerator test is\u2014you open the refrigerator and see if there is ample food there to meet their needs. Another one is the expiration test.\n\n<strong>7:00<\/strong>\n\nI have to be careful; because my son, Will, comes into our house; and he\u2019ll look at the expiration on the food products\u2014[Laughter]\n\n<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>This has happened at my house too!\n\n<strong>Jim: <\/strong>\u2014\u201cDad, you\u2019re in this industry. Are you okay?!\u201d [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes; our daughter, Laura, comes back and goes, \u201cDad, this is beyond the expiration date!\u201d\u00a0 [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Jim: <\/strong>Right.\n\n<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>We\u2019re just trying to get the mileage out of the food. [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Jim: <\/strong>Right; exactly.\n\n<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>What are some of the other signals, though, that a loved one\u2014a mom or a dad\u2014may be in need of considering assisted living?\n\n<strong>Jim: <\/strong>Well, if you look at the appointments \/ their calendar\u2014and not just investigating\u2014because you have to have a respect for their dignity and you have to have sincerity\u2014but you ask, \u201cHow does your week look?\u201d\u00a0 Then, you follow up with it. Oftentimes, if there are appointments with a doctor or there is a social engagement, you follow back around and say: \u201cHow was that appointment?\u201d \u201cHow was that social engagement?\u201d\u00a0 If they don\u2019t talk about it or defer it, then, it tells you that transportation can be a problem.\n\n<strong>8:00<\/strong>\n\nSo, that\u2019s another good example\u2014is what I call the calendar test.\n\nLikewise, looking at what their interests are to see if they are engaging, behaviorally. Oftentimes, there is disconnect. It can be a weather change \/ it could be just a change in a social situation; but their behavior is not appropriate for it. You recognize there is disconnect between their outward behavior and what is actually causing that behavior.\n\n<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>You and I actually sit here, today, because I called you. In the process of the conversation, I mentioned some of the issues that I faced with my mom. I asked you\u2014I said, \u201cSo, what do we have that\u2019s available to help us, from a distance, to know how our parent\u2019s doing since we don\u2019t live next door?\u201d\u00a0 It maybe just kind of one of those gray areas, where we\u2019re not sure they\u2019re ready to move into an assisted living situation; but they are also sending warning signals out to us that the time may be approaching when they need somebody to\u2014\n\n<strong>9:00<\/strong>\n\n\u2014how did you describe it?\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014to badger them?\n\n<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014to badger them\u2014\n\n<strong>Jim: <\/strong>\u2014badger them.\n\n<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014a little bit?\n\n<strong>Jim: <\/strong>Yes.\n\n<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>But share about some of the technology that\u2019s available today that can help us <em>protect<\/em> our parents while they\u2019re away.\n\n<strong>Jim: <\/strong>Well, one of the first ones\u2014which I think is most valuable\u2014is fall prevention; because one of the biggest concerns for seniors is\u2014they\u2019re in their home; they\u2019re by themselves \/ they may even have their spouse there; but they are starting to lose coordination or ability to maneuver. What they find is that getting up at night, going to the restroom; and then, all of a sudden, there is a fall. Generally, when there is a fall, then that\u2019s\u2014it could be a broken leg or a pelvic issue\u2014and then, all of a sudden, the health starts declining. So, it\u2019s a genuine concern.\n\nOne of the things you can get is fall prevention.\n\n<strong>10:00<\/strong>\n\nBasically, it is a medallion\u2014you can wear it around your neck or on your wrist. You can press that; and what that ends up doing is\u2014alerting either in the house, or a neighbor, or 911 that there has been a fall.\n\nThe personal story that really drove <em>me<\/em> to this industry\u2014as I mentioned, my father had a second stroke\u2014well, when I found out that he was six hours on the ground\u2014\n\n<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Oh!\n\n<strong>Jim: <\/strong>\u2014in his bedroom, eight feet away from the phone, it broke my heart. Then, I realized, \u201cDad, I\u2019m not going to let this happen again.\u201d\u00a0 It\u2019s really\u2014that was the wrong attitude. The right attitude is\u2014I need to communicate with my father and say: \u201cDad, that <em>really<\/em> caused me pain. It <em>really<\/em> made me upset. How did it make <em>you<\/em> feel?\u201d because once you recognize, with your loved one, they have the same fears that the adult children have\u2014and the key is to communicate with them and then to listen to their answers.\n\n<strong>11:00<\/strong>\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Jim, you know there are some folks who\u2014they are a little settled in their ways. You can talk about fears and all of that; but by golly, they want to live in this house and die in this house, and they put up resistance. When you start saying, \u201cMaybe, it\u2019s time not to drive anymore,\u201d\u2014the loss of that freedom is <em>huge<\/em> for a lot of older people\u2014or when you say, \u201cMaybe, you ought to move to another place,\u201d \/ \u201cI\u2019m not; I\u2019ve lived here for 45\u2026\u201d What do you do, as a young person, if you\u2019ve got a mom or a dad who has just dug in?\n\n<strong>Jim: <\/strong>I think one of the best ways of communication that we share with adult children\u2014and now with your listeners\u2014is the indirect method. Oftentimes, when they are dug in and they\u2019re independent\u2014is, number one, I go back to respect and sensitivity. I have to <em>respect<\/em> my loved one for what they\u2019ve achieved\u2014\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Right.\n\n<strong>Jim: <\/strong>\u2014and the sensitivity of how to approach them. Oftentimes, indirect is a great way:\n\n<strong>12:00<\/strong>\n\n\u201cMom\/Dad, I had a friend [whose] mom\/dad did this. All of a sudden, it created a problem worse,\u201d or \u201cThey got up in the middle of the night and broke a hip. Then, all of a sudden, they\u2019re in the hospital,\u201d and \u201cThey <em>knew<\/em> that they had problems with their coordination,\u201d or \u201cThey <em>knew<\/em> the medications they were on were not the right medications,\u201d\u2014it\u2019s the indirect way of doing that.\n\nAnother way is what I call the personal approach\u2014that is: \u201cMom\/Dad, I love you. I appreciate all the sacrifice you\u2019ve given, and I\u2019m concerned.\u201d\u00a0 When your parent, as hard and entrenched as they can be, understands your heart and the direction you are coming from\u2014then, it\u2019s important; because the worst thing is for your parent to feel they are being parented\u2014and that\u2019s the situation where it becomes more reactionary and defensive.\n\nSo, the indirect way is a good way to start\u2014\n\n<strong>13:00<\/strong><strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\n\u2014likewise, the empathy of: \u201cThis is the way I really feel. I care for you\u201d; and then, the third thing is timing. Oftentimes, there are a number of opportunities\u2014healthcare fairs, senior centers \/ other areas. Compared to what it was 30 years ago, it\u2019s <em>vastly<\/em> different. Now, there are a number of organizations\u2014for-profit\/not-for-profit\u2014that have senior fairs where they can go to them. You can take your loved one and then they can meet individuals in the community\u2014either in the home healthcare area, or in the skilled nursing, or assisted living, or memory care\u2014and they start understanding that: \u201cThis care is very important.\u201d\n\nWhat happens with this care, when they start hearing satisfaction surveys\u2014that 90 percent of seniors, after six months, like where they live. Now, if you take that same survey, the first month, it\u2019s 30 percent\u2014\n\n<strong>14:00<\/strong>\n\n\u2014so it goes from 30 percent to 90 percent. We use the example of the rosebud\u2014you know, a rosebud, by itself, hasn\u2019t even bloomed; but it needs the right soil, it needs the right sun, it needs the rain\u2014the right amount of rain. If it doesn\u2019t get one of those three, then it can wither and die on the vine; but given the right soil, which could be a senior living community or staying at home\u2014the right care and the right social activities\u2014they blossom. That\u2019s what you see if the needs of a senior are met the right way.\n\n<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>One of the things that you continue to underscore and heighten is the respect for your parent. I really like that because, as they grow old, there is a good bit of aging that robs a person\u2014who has been very vigorous, maybe a hard worker, very smart\u2014where they are experience losses.\n\n<strong>15:00<\/strong>\n\nThey need an adult child to respect who they are and also give them a voice. Speak to that concept of giving your parents a voice as you talk about these issues.\n\n<strong>Jim: <\/strong>It\u2019s important because they\u2019re connection points. Oftentimes, a connection point can be the personal experience. As I always use the phrase, \u201cYou taught me,\u201d because if it\u2019s the \u201cYou taught me,\u201d it\u2019s the lesson you learned from your parent. Now, what you\u2019re doing is exercising that lesson: \u201cYou taught me to care. You taught me to respond. Now, what I want to do is recognize the need; and then let\u2019s talk about the decision. Let\u2019s not just sit there and have the elephant in the room. Let\u2019s really sit down and talk about this.\u201d\n\nAs Bob\u2019s story was with his mother, the key to that successful aging was timing. She made the decision at the right time to move in. The worst thing is when it\u2019s a crisis\u2014\n\n<strong>16:00<\/strong>\n\n\u2014to either bring in home healthcare in a crisis situation, because you have a crisis and someone else comes into the home\u2014or likewise, if you go into a hospital and then move into a senior living community\u2014it\u2019s a crisis environment. What you don\u2019t want is that situation. You want it to be one where it could be handled the appropriate way.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>We had an interview, a number of years ago, with a medical doctor, who cared for the elderly. He was in his early 70s, and he was deciding it was time for him to pull back on his practice. He lived in Chicago, but he was moving to Connecticut. I said: \u201cWhat\u2019s in Connecticut?\u00a0 A new practice opportunity?\u00a0 What are you\u2026?\u201d\n\nHe said, \u201cWell, our daughter lives there.\u201d He said: \u201cMy wife and I have recognized that we need to pick the place where we are going to retire and where we\u2019re going to live out our last days.\n\n<strong>17:00<\/strong>\n\n\u201cWe want to be near our daughter; but we also want to move there at a time when we can still form relationships and community with people our own age rather than trying to move there in our 80s, when it\u2019s harder to do that.\u201d\u00a0 He said, \u201cWe want to get to our 80s with our friends, not be trying to make friends in our 80s.\u201d\n\n<strong>Jim: <\/strong>That is so important; because if seniors are in their home\u2014and the natural progression is one of the parents pass away\u2014so, now, you have your loved one in a home\/their house\u2014that could be a home where you grew up in. Then, all of a sudden, there is a concern\u2014there is a concern about: \u201cYes; the yard needs to be mowed. Well, who is going to mow it?\u201d You have to put yourself in the mind of your parent of: \u201cI\u2019ve always been doing this and handling this before\u201d\u2014but now, it becomes a question of\u2014\u201cIf I\u2019m going to have a plumber come in and work on this, well, then, son, I would like you over here.\u201d\n\nWhat you find is what I call the work call\u2014it could be you\u2019re sitting at your desk and you get a call from a loved one, saying, \u201cThere\u2019s a workman here.\u201d\n\n<strong>18:00<\/strong>\n\nThen, all of a sudden, there is concern of \u201cWell, are they going to do it right?\u201d\u00a0 Then, the last thing is the money side of it. Likewise, a lot of these calls will hit women at work or women that are raising children at home at a point in time where the frustration level and the reaction can be very brief and not the right way.\n\nI always say, \u201cYou find out real quick that the home itself can really be almost a prison,\u201d because of the isolation that is there \/ that occurs; and then it\u2019s a negative spiral. Once that negative spiral begins, you have to recognize it; and it\u2019s a loving thing to do to step in.\n\n<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I wish, when I was kind of growing up\u2014and I\u2019m speaking now of truly growing up in my 20s, 30s, and 40s, when my mom was getting older\u2014someone would have equipped me to know how to think about my mom with respect, like you\u2019re talking about. You\u2019re really embodying, as you\u2019re talking about caring for the elderly, 1 Corinthians 13, which says: \u201cLove is patient and kind.\u201d\n\n<strong>19:00<\/strong>\n\nMy mom was <em>amazingly<\/em> patient and kind with me. As she grew older, she really needed me to be patient and kind with her. \u201cLove does not envy or boast. It\u2019s not arrogant or rude.\u201d\u00a0 I don\u2019t remember my mom doing that; but I do remember my need, as an adult, to be kind to her and not rude back to her if she was a little sharp with me. \u201cIt does not insist on its own way. It is not irritable or resentful,\u201d\u2014that means we have to forgive.\n\nSome, who are listening to our broadcast\u2014this conjures up all kinds of emotions toward parents because, now, they\u2019re having to take care of them; and they didn\u2019t feel like they were taken care of when they were a child or a young person, growing up.\n\n<strong>20:00<\/strong>\n\n<strong>Jim: <\/strong>That\u2019s why we often say, \u201cYou need to recognize anxiety, not only in your loved one\u2019s decision, but also in the process that you\u201d\u2014your listeners and we all\u2014\u201cgo through as adult children,\u201d because the anxiety is on both sides.\n\nOftentimes, we go to the Bible. When you look at Philippians, which I just love, where it says, \u201cBe anxious for nothing but in prayer and supplication with thanksgiving make your requests known to God,\u201d\u2014it\u2019s interesting because you say, \u201c\u2026with thanksgiving\u2026\u2014 and it\u2019s the embracing of: \u201cThis is a need in my parents\u2019 life. This is a time when I can <em>really<\/em> give to them,\u201d\u2014and not monetarily but support\u2014\u201cand I can do it in a way where I can use the biblical standards that I\u2019ve been taught,\u201d or \u201c\u2026I have learned how to care for them.\u201d\n\n<strong>21:00<\/strong>\n\n<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>And I just want to finish this passage here [in 1 Corinthians 13], because it speaks to the issue of the heart with adult children. \u201cIt\u2019s not irritable or resentful, does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things,\u201d\u2014that means it shoulders the weight \/ there is a lot of weight to shoulder in old age. \u201cIt believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.\u201d\n\nI just want to encourage our listeners, whether you are caring for an elderly parent yet or if it\u2019s in the future, to begin thinking about this and maybe check out some of the resources that are available\u2014we\u2019ll list a few\u2014and find the best way to provide compassionate, loving, godly care for your parents.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes; we\u2019ve got links on our website at FamilyLifeToday.com to help you with that. Again, go to FamilyLifeToday.com.\n\n<strong>22:00<\/strong>\n\nI want to mention a book written by a guest we\u2019ve had on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, Dr. John Dunlop. He wrote a book called <em>Wellness for the Glory of God<\/em>. It\u2019s a book that talks about how we can be ready for the aging process in our own lives\u2014how we can be alert to the changes that are going to take place as we age. Dr. Dunlop spent years of practice as a gerontologist and worked with patients who were aging. His book, I think, is very helpful; and it may be something for those of us\u2014who are over 40, over 50, over 60\u2014this would be a good book to read so that we can be wise about how we plan and steward our elder years. Again, the book is available, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com\u2014you can get more information there. We also have links to the interviews we did with Dr. Dunlop if you\u2019d like to listen to those.\n\nAs we begin this new year together, 2018, we again want to take a minute and say, \u201cThank you,\u201d to those of you who helped us finish out 2017 in a good, solid financial setting by making a yearend contribution.\n\n<strong>23:00<\/strong>\n\nWe\u2019re so grateful for the support that you offered in the closing weeks of 2017. We appreciate it. I don\u2019t have the final numbers yet on the matching-grant opportunity that we had, but we\u2019ll be in touch with you about that and let you know if we were able to take full advantage of that matching-gift opportunity.\n\nAnd we also want to remind you that the needs of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> are ongoing. If you are a regular listener to this program; if you are connected to FamilyLife through our website, our newsletters, the resources we have available; if you\u2019ve been to our events\u2014can I ask you to consider becoming a Legacy Partner and making a monthly contribution to support the mission of this ministry? Every time you donate, you\u2019re helping us take the message of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> to more homes, more families, more husbands and wives \/ more moms and dads more regularly.\n\n<strong>24:00<\/strong>\n\nFind out about becoming a Legacy Partner when you go to FamilyLifeToday.com. There is a link available there; or you can call if you need more information\u20141-800-FL-TODAY is our number.\n\nNow, tomorrow, we\u2019re going to talk again about our aging parents\u2014this time, talking about memory loss\u2014how can we tell if forgetfulness is something we should be concerned about or just a normal part of aging?\u00a0 Jim Stroud will again be with us tomorrow. I hope you can be back as well.\n\nI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\n\n<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry.\n\nHelp for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\nWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\n\nCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2018 FamilyLife. 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